#anyways I probably shouldn’t vent anymore

[smilesrobotlover]

Now that I’m wiped out from designing all the boys with accurate height charts and full bodies, I decided to do full bodies for all the important side characters because I hate myself apparently!!! Here’s Tetra, Aryll, and Linebeck with their boy Windy!

[tootinyformyowngood]

…

[honeywiththemoneyloa222]

Hey, I just wanted to say that people shouldn’t depend on others entering the void for them. In all my 3-4 years since learning about the void, I never really understood this as a plan (to ask others to manifest for you) because the core idea is that we are the only ones who can make the decision to do it. This has always been the main idea. I feel like people cling on to the idea of others manifesting for them so that they don’t have to take responsibility for their own faith because they don’t trust or believe in themselves and it’s just easier to place that energy on someone else.

Since we are all god in our own reality nobody has any say over us unless we decide so. Even if someone enters the void for you, it all comes down to you. If you don’t take responsibility for your own faith/persistence then how do you expect to do it. You would just end up manifesting that you are trying once again and not actually doing it. I could see how people would say that knowing someone else manifested for them will make them believe and therefore enter. But still, everyone that I’ve seen who another blogger has manifested for them didn’t enter. It’s probably because they didn’t actually decide they could do it. And after that they just go back to the cycle of trying all over again because it didn’t work. But it wasn’t because of chance, but because of their own decision whether they realize it or not.

An example : I remember a user called junkyufairy (I think it might be wrong but it was similar to this) who documented their struggle with the void for a while. I remember when they posted their success story a while back, they had said that people tried to hex them or manifested against them for them to not enter the void. But they still entered void state because they kept persisting and didn’t let it decide whether they could enter void or not. No matter what other people tried to manifest for them, it didn’t manifest for them in their reality because they did not accept it. This proves that you have the only say in your reality regardless of what others try to manifest for you. They deactivated now so idk if you can see their account anymore.

I know people end up entering even if they don’t fully believe but that’s because they persisted in the idea they can until it became fact in their reality. You don’t have to feel like you need to already have the full belief in yourself or resort to turning to someone else to have it for you. It’s just as easy as persisting because you gradually begin to believe it more and more by always choosing to think as the person you want. Even if you don’t end up feeling like you do believe, I’ve still seen people enter through robotic affirming because of the persistence of reminding themselves of the new story. It’s always going to come down to your rules and your reality. You decide how you enter and when you do. Nobody else is god in your reality.

So don’t feel bad or stress about people asking you to manifest for them!!!

Anyways this is really long, but I just wanted to vent and hopefully help others realize their power. I am going to come back with a success story because I am going to persist. I’m still maybe going to be lurking in your account just so I can see your post about what you manifested. I’m just curious haha and I love seeing how peoples lives change from what they manifested.

Omg hiiii sweetie

This is so real!!

Like I can manifest for people but it’s really up to you

I’m the God of MY reality not theirs and they have to realize they’re the God of THEIR reality

I want people to see this post

You took the words right out of my mouth

Because I’m not able to just grant wishes but I could make a post about a guide

I don’t know how to make subliminals haha

But I could share some that I love!!

I believe in you sugar I know you’re gonna have a success story because you already are one!!

[the-royal-teacup]

I need a rant…

So, this has nothing to do with the terrible twosome, so feel free to skip…

Last night at around 1am a group of young little yobs decided to batter upon my front door, then run away shouting obscenities, laughing and carrying on.

Now, I wasn’t asleep, but it still scared me half to death because of course someone battering on your door in the early hours of the morning is going to scare you half to death! I opened my window and shouted some obscenities at them, but just received obscenities back, as they ran away.

I have security cameras, which caught the little shit that hammered on the door and then running away, but of course he had his hood up on his hoody and you couldn’t see him properly, not that submitting it to the police would do anything anyway and that’s the thing, these little yobs know they can do this kind of stuff and get away with it because nothing is done, not by the police or their parents for going around and causing grief for people!

You know what makes it worse? Is that I now feel un-safe at night in my home. I shouldn’t feel like that, this is my home, my safe haven and all because some little shits who thought it would be hilarious to scare someone to show off in front of their mates, after spending the night in a park drinking and probably causing more trouble for other people, now I feel scared to let myself go to sleep tonight!

What is it with some of this new generation? No respect for nothing or no one, they know they can get away with shit and their parents? Well, they either couldn’t give a shit what their kids do or they think the sun shines out of the backsides and that their kids would never do such a thing.

Now, me, as a thirty-six year old woman, if I had ever acted like that and my mum had found out? She would have marched me to the persons door and made me apologise. But, then, I would never have done that to someone. I’m not saying I was an angel, but I can tell you one thing it would never have crossed my mind to batter on someone’s door in the early hours of the morning, saying that I wouldn’t have been allowed to be out at that time in a morning, even if staying at a friends their parents wouldn’t have allowed it either!

It scares me what kind of world we are living in and the kids that will grow into adults and sometimes become even bigger dickheads, and all because you can’t discipline your kids anymore and you have to give them everything. I’m not saying every parent is like that, but for the most part most of these kids are being brought up with zero rules and boundaries and are allowed to get away with everything, whilst being rewarded for it!

I just needed to get this off of my chest. Cross your fingers for me that I can get a good nights sleep tonight and that it was just a one off, that they were showing off in front of their mates and the little shits don’t return, because honestly after everything you read and see that is one of my biggest fears right now that they will return because I reacted to it, probably stupidly, but it was such a blur that I just opened my window and just shouted at them and now I worry that because I reacted they will return and god only knows what they will try! I know, I know, I shouldn’t think like that, but my brain goes down alllll the different what if scenarios! 😩

If you read all this, thank you. Just needed to vent/rant a little.

[hakirachan]

Hey guys. Hakira here. Just a rant below the cut, read if you want. Or don’t. I don’t care.

I usually don’t vent on this blog. It’s mostly full of crack, shits and giggles, which is why you probably weren’t expecting this kind of post. But I just need to explain something in case I suddenly stop posting one day. (I know you guys probably don’t care; in fact, most of y’all probs won’t see this, but I needed to post this anyways. Sorry.) It’s kinda depressing so feel free to keep scrolling now that you know that.

So, I’m at a really shitty point in my life. It feels like everyone’s against me, like I’ve got almost nobody supporting me, and I feel like I’m hated by everyone I’ve ever looked up to. I know, sooo original. Well, it’s deeper than that.

I’m still living with my parents (somehow), but it’s always been pretty toxic ever since I was a kid. As the youngest, I can guarantee that the “youngest sibling is the favorite child, oldest gets all the work” stereotype is complete bullshit. I was told to do some things that kids that age shouldn’t have had to do. At just 6-7 years old, I was forced to take heavy bags & boxes (and I mean 40-50 pounds each) of my dad’s old shit down to the curb and wait there until they got picked up by his friend (“to make sure it didn’t get blown away” or something like that) in the middle of a fucking snowstorm, with temps below -10 degrees Fahrenheit [around -23 degrees Celsius]. Almost lost my fingers from that. They made me set out & pack up most things for a family campout on my own when I wasn’t even staying at the campsite; I was staying home with a mean, nicotine-addicted (took out a cigarette the moment my parents pulled out of the driveway; refused to stop smoking even though the smoke was making my 8-year-old body nauseous) babysitter because I had a B- in one of my classes. I know this doesn’t sound that bad, but the problem is that I wasn’t even 10 when these things were happening. It’s not really anything too serious, but I was still basically ripped out of my childhood way too early. But, enough about my childhood; now my present life. I’ve relied on my friends for comfort for most of my life because of my dysfunctional home. Recently, though, my friends have become more distant and toxic. Spreading rumors, talking shit, leaving me out, and pulling pranks that go too far (like ruining the outfit I worked so hard to make the day before my band concert). I’ve only got three friends I trust; however, 2 of them I hardly talk to anymore (not because anything happened, we’ve just got different things going on in our lives). So, there’s only one real friend who’s always stuck with me. However, there’s nothing he can do about my family at home. As I said earlier, my family’s always been toxic and dysfunctional. It should have gotten better over the years, but no. It’s gotten worse. They’ve cussed me out, threatened me, and recently, I’ve even been a victim to some domestic violence. I talked to the cops about it, and to a lady from the state who deals with these kinds of things. However, since there were no visible marks and no proof of it, they couldn’t log it as abuse because they can’t just go off of what is said; they need some hard evidence to actually do anything. So, since I don’t have the money to move out of my parent’s house, I had to watch my only hope at escaping this mental and verbal (and now some physical) abuse quite literally walk out the door. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges for the longest time. And, I’m ashamed to admit it because I’ve talked so many people out of it irl, but recently I have been self-harming. Thing is, while I had helped so many other people, nobody ever helped me through these dark times in my life. In fact, some people (who I helped through their trauma) literally told me to self-harm and to just kill myself when I tried venting to them. I just can’t deal with this shit anymore. I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but I can’t see the “bright side” anymore. There is no more “bright side” for me. I’m on the edge right now, literally. But I’ve got you guys to thank for getting me this far. Thank you so much for being here for me, even though I don’t usually vent, and you guys didn’t know what I’ve been going through up until now, so you weren’t actively trying to support me. Even so, thanks for appreciating me and not treating me like I’m more worthless than a dead plant. I love you all, and I hope you guys have great lives. So, if I change my mind, then I’ll see you guys later. If not…well, don’t mourn me, I’ll be in a better place. So long, guys. also im gonna give this a few days in case things get better (though let’s be honest, they’re probably not gonna) so don’t miss me just yet. If I’m gone for like, over a week, then you can assume I finally freed myself from this hell

shoutout to my mutuals, you guys are awesome and were great help to me (im not gonna pin you so you don’t feel obliged to read/reply to my dumb rant): dumb-mc-sheep cldhart08 acronym49 cricketproofreads im-an-angy-alpaca trash-opposum

And special shoutouts to my two fav mutuals (sorry other moots) @family-disappointment and @avatarofstars! You two were some of the greatest motivators for me to keep going. I’m sorry that your efforts (while unintentional) probably weren’t enough this time. I love you both and wish you both the best lives you can have! (And sorry for bothering you with the tag, just wanted you to see this last little note to you both💜)

This is Hakira, signing out.

:)

[ventingbeec]

State of minds and the way your body feels

So i recently realised how feelings influence so much the way you see the world around you.

Idk how to elaborate it but i want to tell an experience i had.

So when i was younger for some reason i was afraid or idk to shop. Exactly, i was anxious about shopping in supermarkets. I don’t really know why?

Maybe because i thought people are staring at me and judging me, or maybe because i was low on money?!

So i found a picture where my friend showed me she bought a cup of noodles, and i remember i really wanted to try but for some reason i never searched for it, and even the few times i went with my mom at shopping and found something i wanted i would just leave it.

So now thinking about it it sounds so pathetic but back then it was such a blockage for me to do the most basic things.

Right now i can spend hours in supermarkets, its the lamest thing ever, so why did i put that experience on a pedestal??

Another thing i used to put on pedestal when i was younger was a white pencil. I really really wanted a white pencil and i thought it was such an amazing thing, and when i bought my first one i was so happy, but then i coul afford to buy more so got a lot feon different brands to test them out and even now i have them, maybe for like 8 years?? They are around the house but i don’t care about them, they are lame, but i used to think omg such an amazing thing.

So my conclusion is that we tend to put such insignificant things on pedestal and think we can’t approach them when in real life they are lame af. But still i don’t have any wise advice to give tbh. I still want insignificant things, and i still think im not worthy having them when in reality they are probably very approachable, how to stop this?

So for example, i really want to be tall, like 5’7, can i really do this? probably? do i know how to? maybe idk? is there anything that’s stopping me? most certainly.

So because this is my vent blog anyways, i will talk nonsense.

1. I want to be tall because i want to or because others judge me cus im short?

I will enumerate some moments people judged my height.

1. My mom

so my mom always tells me i would be more beautiful if i was taller

when i was younger she would tell me to work out to grow taller

she pushed me to do a lot of things to grow taller

she always judge other short women calling them names so maybe i feel she thinks the same about me

do i want to be tall just to make my mom happy? i want this for her? i want to look a certain way so that she would stop judging me just for existing?? why does she wants this? shy can’t she love me just for who i am, if i was even more shorter shat would she think about me??

omg i feel like im about to throw tf up right now

i never realised i feel like this

how can i stop this?

am i worth it? probably, but how do i stop hating myself and caring what others think about me

i feel maybe they would never like me even if i was 7’1 so then what’s wrong with me? do i want to grow just to ignore them after and prove something? but i don’t heve to prove anything to anyone, am i right?

the only person i should care about it’s me

so is height really that important?

but i don’t know how to care about myself anymore?? what do i do?? skincare??

i’m so confused

i really want to fit in the society beauty standard so bad, i want people to accept me amd love and admire me

but why??? why do i care so much??

if i would have loved myself then would i care anymore about what others think?? idk how to live myself

i don’t think i have to do anything to love myself, i should do it just because i exist, but why do i feel so weird then

why do i want to prove something when i shouldn’t

2. my dad

i feel like i care about his male gaze

not in a weird way, but in a “i think my child it’s ugly way”

idk if you know that movie when a girl turns into a pig, like, her nose is pig like

and at some point her dad told her mom that

“we have to admit, we have an ugly daughter “

that line, that scene, why is that in my mind? why did it stuck from the moment hear it??!

it passed more than a decade but that line is my roman empire

why do i care about this so much

now that i write this, i never realised how much i cared about my parents opinion about my outside appearance but i do

i do a lot until it eats me alive

one time i was sitting at the dinner table and so my dad stared at me and then smirked

so my mom asked him why

and he giggled and said “look how much X looks like her grandfather”

my grandfather who is first of all a man, second of all a big, crooked, septum deviated, nosed man

i remember that moment so vividly, i wanted to disappear in that moment so nobody could ever see my face ever again

never

i don’t hate the way my grandfather looks, but i am aware of how he’s seen by the society

and i am aware that remark wasn’t something nice but something to point out ugly features

one time when was really into selfcare

and i really wanted to drink a gallon of water a day for health and also clear skin

my father overheard my discussion and he intervened saying that “where could that much water go through your body? for you maybe one cup of water a day”

and for me, that didn’t seem funny

that shattered me, i hate it, i hate so much being perceived

i hate so much being made fun of

i don’t want to look the way i look anymore

i hate me, i hate the way i look

why am i like this, why am i so weak? so skinny?? and some of you will sat it’s something good but it’s not, as a grown up woman i look like a little boy, i feel less of a woman

i feel im not worthy, i feel like i deserve absolutely nothing and i don’t understand why was i born and why am i still alive to suffer

i do i care a lot about shat people say about me

because in our society it matters a lot how people perceive you

i wish i didnt care but i do

i wish i was different but im not

i wish i could look like the beauty standards

i wish i could make my parents happy

i wish i could prove something

i wish i was loved and appreciated

i wish i wouldn’t have to hate myself so much

i wish i could just live in silence and be happy and eat and wash my body and sleep and play and do things i like and love myself

i wish i could just love the way i looked

everything about me

even my big crooked nose

i wish i could truly love it but it bought me so much pain

so much pain

for just existing and not bothering anyone it attracted so much pain

why do i have to look a certain way to not be bullied???!!!

why do we all have to look the same

after some pattern

i think i should stop caring about others

even my mom or dad but it’s kind of hard

[mechwife]

this prolly has nothing to do with anything, but im just venting over something silly

It’s probably really dumb. But anyways i remember my family members showing me transformers (the original series) as a child and it terrified me.

i was terrified of men, especially angry men because i was regularly trapped and s*xually abused by a horrible angry, violent man.

So all i saw were a bunch of violent, angry men and it scared me. i remember soundwave being my first favorite because he seemed calm. This was my perspective as a small child, mind you

But yeah. i have a relative who was pretty into transformers. Collected figures and assumably the other iterations of the series as it progressed, which is well and fine

But he was always so mad at me? i guess i always said the wrong thing, thought the wrong thing, always had the wrong opinion on transformers. i remember always being scared of talking about it, my older relatives putting me in situations where they wanted my thoughts and opinions and it always ended with at least one adult mad at me.

i dunno, transformers was always a sore subject around him as i grew up. i just remember aging, and as i got older i pushed transformers further and further away from me and always felt incredibly uncomfortable about the franchise.

i guess now that im an adult and im working through my amnesia and remembering things like this from my childhood… im trying not to beat myself up and blame myself about it. I probably said dumb stuff and thought dumb stuff about the series, but i was probably not in any good condition to engage with the series to begin with. Not that that means being a little shit was right.

im trying to forgive myself. im trying to allow myself to have fun with it and feel like im “allowed” to be a fan of it. im no longer afraid of the series and its been bringing me a lot of fun and joy, particularly with my best friend and boyfriend.

idk. i guess im afraid of my two older relatives finding out i like transformers, and that i even like transformers YAOI. wow. How dare i— lmfao. It’s so fucking stupid.

ive been drawing and writing gay robots kissing for years and that doesn’t look like it’s gonna change anytime soon

i guess i feel unwelcome lmao. Not because of anyone online, just my family has made it always incredibly uncomfortable. But im an adult, not even a young adult anymore— i don’t need their permission or “blessing” to have fun and draw and write.

i dunno. This is all so dumb and i don’t know why im letting myself feel so anxious about it. It’s a bunch of silly robots doing silly things so it shouldn’t be that serious.

right?

[cas-coding]

okay so i have this friend. shes fun and a little uptight but she’s very much like, the friend your parents love bc she keeps swearing to a minimum and is good at card games. so she was over today. and we’re just playing cards, the two of us, and she starts talking about how hard it is for her to be straight in a thespian troupe full of queer people. shes like yeah in freshman year i had so many people harassing me to be gay. but im just not. and like that sucks. it does, like the whole pride movement is that sexuality shouldn’t matter and we should have equal rights to be proud of who we are, and like this group shames straight people. but that’s not my point.

she then went on to say that not everyone is probably as gay as they say. she cited one of my other best friends as an example. “he’s only ever dated girls, but he’s bi? that doesn’t make sense” so i reminded her that he did date a trans guy two years ago and called him his boyfriend, because trans men are men. and she replies, “well yeah, but *****’s boobs are pretty big, and he still has a, yknow, so like,” and then she seemed to remember she is talking to a trans guy and she thought the correct way to recover from this was to say that “your boobs are small though! like i can’t see them under your sweatshirt” which like wow okay. so im a ‘real guy” because i have the genetic privilege of small tits and hes not bc he doesn’t?

so idk how to feel about her anymore. and she saw i was uncomfortable and dropped it because yeah. but she didn’t apologize or ssy anything otherwise?? she is very religious and her family is deeply conservative, and she is much more liberal than them, so like yeah i feel like she’s at least trying but that was like a shitty take to say to a transguy’s face?? and yes my bestie’s ex boyfriend is a shitty guy but that does not mean we get to misgender him!! or talk about his tits!! thats kind of weird!!!

anyway thats all just a little vent. shes a good friend she just has those few takes where you’re like 🤨🤨🤨🤨

[ak47stylegirl]

Public Opinion 0.2

Okay, I just had to write more of this fic! It had me at gun point, what was i suppose to do? 😁😂

Prev. 

//Drops this in front of @gumnut-logic and @janetm74 😆😁//

---

“Gordon!”

Okay, yeah maybe he shouldn’t have sworn in front of his father, Gordon thought absentmindedly, receiving ‘the disappointed dad look’ in full. But come on, he was in shock! Give him a break!

“But Dad! They’re ganging up on a literal child!?” Gordon exclaimed, waving a hand at the screen. “How are you not more outraged by this?” 

Jeff pinched the bridge of his nose with a sigh. “I’m just as bothered by this as you are son, but there is nothing we can do about it…” 

“People are always going to have their opinions…”

Gordon scrunched his nose up, knowing that his father was right but still, he didn’t like it. 

“Anyway, I’m pretty sure he isn’t actually a child…” Scott added with a dismissive shake of his head, leaning against the couch. “Probably early twenties or something.”

Virgil lowered himself from the vent to stare at Scott in bewilderment. Gordon had also turned his head to stare at his bother. Did Scott really think that…that kid, was in his twenties? 

Did they need to get Scott’s head checked? Has Gordon finally driven Scott crazy???

Scott bristled at the stares, “What?” 

“Are you kidding me?” Virgil questioned with a perplexed chuckle, “I would bet five weeks of dish duty on him being at least in his late teens, if not younger…”

Five weeks of dish duty?! Gordon thought in awe at his immediate older brother’s confidence. Damn Virgie's confident about that….

Gordon would have only bet two weeks….

“Yeah Scotty, what planet have you been living on?” Gordon added, his words having an unintentional sharpness to them. “Even I can tell he was under eighteen…” 

“Boys…” Jeff frowned, noticing the storm brewing behind Scott’s eyes. 

“Well excuse me,” Scott scowled with an eye-roll, the heat and lack of rescues causing that famous Tracy temper to flare. “For being too busy doing my job to notice that the dangerous assassin is on the young side…” 

A wave of anger washed over Gordon, causing him to jump up. “Wait! So you agree with them?!”

Gordon didn’t understand why he was getting so bothered by this, nor so angry at Scott for even insisting that those…those people were right! It didn’t make sense but still, he felt like screaming at his brother over it. 

“Wha? No!” Scott’s eyes widened, shoulders squaring up as he faced Gordon head-on with a frown. “Of course not, I’m not agreeing with them! I'm just saying that they have a point-”

“What!? How the fuck do they’re a p-”

Virgil’s head was ping-ponging left and right, eyes wide in horror as his brothers seemed to (figuratively) go for each other’s throats. 

“You’re not listening! All I was trying-”

“Boys! That. Is. Enough!” Jeff stepped between Scott and Gordon, looking beyond mad. “Now I would expect this behaviour from Gordon and Al-” Jeff cut himself off; stricken with grief.

The atmosphere felt ten times heavier. 

Jeff recovered, clearing his throat thickly as he leaned heavily on his cane; looking scarily aged. “-But not from you, Scott…” 

Scott had his head bowed in shame, knowing he shouldn’t have lost his temper like that. It was childish of him. And Scott was no child anymore…

“I’m sorry Dad…” 

“Yeah I’m sorry too…” Gordon mumbled, sheepishly scuffing his foot into the carpet. “I shouldn’t have bitten Scooter's head off…” 

“Yeah, you shouldn’t have…” Dad said sternly, sitting down on the couch with a heavy sigh. “I don’t want to see something like that from you two again, understand?” 

“Don’t worry Dad, it won't happen again.” Scott promised, before adding with a bashful look, “I kind of deserved it; I should have chosen my words differently…” 

Virgil finally let go of the breath he was holding, shaking his head at his brothers as he facepalmed. 

“Yeah no duh…” Gordon replied with a grin, as a sign of no hard feelings.  

“Oi!” Scott playfully rolled his eyes. “Watch it, tadpole…” 

Jeff shook his head wistfully, thinking back to a simpler time. If he just closed his eyes, he could almost imagine nothing had changed, that his family was once again whole- (Never whole, not without Lucy.)

That at any moment a blond teen would come running through the door, raging about something Gordon most likely did, and-

“Dad?” Virgil placed a hand on Jeff’s shoulder. “You’re okay?”

No. But were any of them? 

“I’m fine…” Jeff smiled reassuringly up at his middle child, lightly patting Virgil’s hand. “Don’t you worry about me…” 

Virgil didn’t seem convinced but knew when to pick his battles, and this wasn’t one he could win. At least not at the moment. Turning to Scott, Virgil asked, “So, what were you trying to say?”

Scott’s eyes flickered between Virgil and Jeff, lingering on his father for a moment longer before answering, “That they have a right to be sceptical…” 

Gordon crossed his arms, a thoughtful look on his face. 

“Look…” Scott placed his hand on Gordon’s shoulder, “Maybe the brain control thing was true, and if so, that is horrifying…” Scott explained; his blue eyes troubled. “-but that doesn’t change the fact that Phoenix is still dangerous…”

Jeff nodded, “Your brother is right…” 

“While they are a great help, they are powerful people with little to no limitation on their choices or actions.” Jeff's voice was grim, “Not much is known about them, and that makes them unpredictable…” 

Gordon could see what his father and brother were getting at, unchecked power is never something to be taken lightly. He understood that, but it still didn’t make the bad feeling in his stomach go away. 

“And such I want you boys should keep a level of caution up at all times around them…” Jeff stood up, shifting into his commander persona where his word was law. “Am I understood?” 

Virgil and Scott nodded, while Gordon glared at the rug conflicted. 

Jeff frowned, “Gordon..” 

Finally, after a long tense second, Gordon nodded his agreement. (Why was his soul and squid sense screaming in agony?) 

Fin.

[palettepainter]

*There’s a small typo in drawing 10, it’s supposed to say ‘and jumble up your words when you’re nervous’. Kinda funny that was the sentence I messed up on, talking about jumbling up words*

(vent-ish ahead, also bare in mind I’m no therapist or doctor this is just some research I’ve done)

This is probably one of the most personal posts I’ve made. So, honest thoughts about being twenty: these past two months have been a lot, it’s been filled with stress, anxiety, low self-esteem and inner child healing.

 I’ve known for a long time that I’ve had anxiety and have a strong grasp on how I think my troubles with anxiety began and why I’ve had issues with self love/holding friendships. In my primary school we didn’t have any sort of counsellor and any help I did get regarding my bullying was little as the school didn’t consider what I was going through was bullying. Nothing was done about it.

One thing I’ve come to realise over these past two months is that trauma is different to everyone, and trauma is simply how our bodys and minds respond to behaviours or situations we’ve been through. I’ve seen a lot of behaviours in myself that are often seen as after affects of trauma, but bullying let alone trauma was something my primary school didn’t educate us on well, the same went for secondary school. Looking back I was it was something they had taught us in Personal Development because, for pretty much 10 years, I’ve gone my whole life thinking the way I act is just who I am and that’s that. I couldn’t have gone through trauma, surely what I went through wasn’t traumatic enough. The teachers didn’t think it was, so why would my child self or present self think any different?

Turns out: constantly apologising for things you didn’t do, people pleasing and feeling as though you need to proove yourself constantly to your friends and act as their therapist and while also not being honest about your emotions and thoughts generally point towards some kind of trauma 

And it’s been harder then I thought accepting the fact that...yeah, I might be more damaged then I thought 

Around the time when I came to the realisation with outside help that I may have some inner trauma and inner child healing to do my little brother left primary school - the same primary school I went to - my year group when we left, to this day, has been known for one of the worst years with bullying (ironic looking back on that), and when my brother left this year - his year group was one of the best they had, considering they also had to deal with a pandemic and having handfuls of their classes taught over zoom. Combined with the fact that I know younger me will never get the apology she deserved...this kind makes me angry

I’m still learning how to be open and honest with my emotional and mental state with friends and family, being open with someone outside of family and writting stuff down I often find much easier and it’s hard for me to break those habits sometimes. And now that I’m turning 20, saying goodbye to my child and teenager years forever, it’s...scary. It feels like I shouldn’t be burdened by these things anymore, because I’m an adult, what happened gone ten years ago shouldn’t be holding me back, right? 

I probably won’t answer any messages if you guys send any in, as of posting this my actual birthday is the 29th so I likely won’t be online much anyway - at least not posting - but..yeah this was a self comfort comic I wanted to make 

[lev1athantwins2]

just a quick heads up that im now a spectator on artfight, due to personal reasons. idk if ill return to playing this season. super sorry if you were gonna attack me on there!

sorry for the small vent but its just like, really fucking depressing when ppl dont thank you for your art but take it anyways, and then almost nobody (shout out to the one person that did, i actually really appreciate that like you have no idea) attacks you no matter how much you advertise on the artfight discord. 

all i really wanted was a thank you but it seems that people just dont do that anymore. they take the art and just go. 

im really wondering if my art is just ass and nobody likes it enough to where they want to attack back.

granted, i 100% understand that nobody is owed me art in any way shape or form, but it still hurts to see that people would rather just take art from me and wouldn’t even entertain the possibility of attacking my characters in return.

artfight felt like a waste this year.

im sorry i probably shouldn’t be venting whatsoever on here. i sound like a selfish ass cringe nae nae baby. ill delete this later. sorry to anyone who read this cringe ass post. 

[welcometojackass2022]

ok im venting because omg i never want a relationship again

this man has made things so difficult for me, for starters he’s a complete fucking narcissist who has zero backbone and literally doesn’t have an opinion outside of his mum’s.

he is literally keeping my old phone and ds and not giving them back and any attempts of asking for them back have been ignored.

he was so manipulative and now i’m just left feeling like i have no sense of self anymore, i feel like i’ve lost who i am and idk what to do about it. im so tired and the idea of a relationship now literally makes me want to have a panic attack, i feel so alone and there’s so many emotions rn.

i just want to be normal again. i don’t even miss him, he was shit to me and i’m better off without him. however, im just so upset i gave him the time and energy when he treated me so shittily. it feels like he’s took everything from me and i’ve just got to rebuild myself again.

plus he shat his pants TWICE while i was with him, who does that??? and he low key smelled too, had this weird neck crust thing going on, idk why i was with him. he was ugly as hell too.

he also had the audacity to use me as like an emotional prop after we broke up but then when i needed space before we could have a proper conversation it was a problem.

i actually hate men.

anyway, sorry for how messy this is, i just needed to get this out. thank you for this <33

(and sorry for the grammar i know it’s probably shit)

he sounds HORRIBLE and I’m glad you’re away from him. I’m glad you don’t miss him, but I do wanna say that you shouldn’t beat yourself up for giving him the time and energy that you did, you had no way of knowing how he’d turn out. I truly hope things are better now, let me know if you need anything (other than money cuz I’m a broke college student lol). Much love <3

[staceymcgillicuddy]

I posted 178 times in 2022 (which is saying something considering I only got started this blog in November)

That's 178 more posts than 2021!

41 posts created (23%)

137 posts reblogged (77%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@cunnninghams

@hellcheerocracy

@chrissy-n-eddie

@hangon-silvergirl

@erythromanc3r

I tagged 158 of my posts in 2022

Only 11% of my posts had no tags

#don't mind if i queue - 89 posts

#hellcheer - 32 posts

#eddie munson - 21 posts

#chrissy cunningham - 21 posts

#chrissy x eddie - 20 posts

#eddie x chrissy - 18 posts

#fanfic - 17 posts

#edissy - 15 posts

#bsc diaries - 12 posts

#hellcheerxmas - 8 posts

Longest Tag: 92 characters

#there is nothing like that hit of pure adrenaline that comes with a new comment notification

My #1 post of 2022

Day 3: Chimney

December 1986 Hawkins, Indiana

@hellcheerxmas

“But how would it even work? The chimney thing?” 

Eddie blinks into awareness and looks at Chrissy, who’s been using his lap as a pillow since they finished passing their second joint of the afternoon back and forth. 

“Huh?” 

“The chimney,” she repeats, gesturing at the television, where Babes in Toyland is still playing. Chrissy’s choice, and he has no idea where she’s getting chimneys from because that movie is fucked up, even for her, but Santa’s not a participant. 

“Chris. You gotta… like. Ten thousand feet, sweetheart.” 

She gets what he means, even when he doesn’t. Lifts her head and twists her little body around, so she’s facing him. “Your chimney. In here. You guys don’t have one, so what did Wayne even tell you?” 

“That’s what you’re concerned about?” 

Blue eyes blink, and she worries her lip between her teeth. Eddie has to kiss her, so he does, only it doesn’t erase the frown marring her pretty face. 

“Eddie,” she says in that voice that means sex isn’t solving my problem, which, yeah, fair. 

“I dunno, it wasn’t, like, a thing? I never really believed in all of that.” Santa was well and good for some kids, but Eddie’s long been disabused of anything fantastical happening in real life. That probably explains the DnD thing—wanting to escape, blah blah blah—if he’s gonna get all psychoanalytical about his shortcomings. Which he isn’t. Doesn’t. Won’t.

“You didn’t?” Her voice quivers, and God, Eddie shouldn’t be so into how his childhood makes her all sweet with him as if he’s some sad Victorian waif, and she’s, like, round yon virgin, so tender and mild. 

(Only she’s not a virgin, and he thinks the tender and mild bit might be about Jesus, but whatever. The point stands.)

“Wayne did shit for me, don’t worry about it,” he says, waving it off and wrapping a hand around the back of her head to pull her close, fitting his thumb into the groove at the top of her neck like he’s done a hundred times before. “And, I dunno. The chimney thing is like… it’s magic. Probably Santa’d come through the roof vent if he had to.” 

Chrissy sighs, and she doesn’t seem satisfied, but she lets him kiss her anyway. 

Two days later, Eddie finds an elaborate cardboard chimney stuck to the outside of his locker, accompanied by a note taped to a candy cane within. 

Just in case. XOXO, C

75 notes - Posted December 3, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

Tagged by @bisexualchrissycunningham and it only took me four days to get to it, so I'm tagging anyone who hasn't done it yet!

Favourite Colour: a very particular and pleasing shade of blue that straddles the line between 'baby' and 'cornflower'

Currently Reading: Kate Morton - The Distant Hours, and Colleen Hoover - It Starts With Us because EVERYONE I KNOW is reading it and I feel obligated to at least know what's going on. Non-fiction, I'm reading Bi by Julia Shaw

Last Song: Gold Lion by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Last Series: I don't watch TV anymore, I just cry when I think about consuming new media. No, but actually, it was She-Hulk.

Last Film: Rewatch, Fellowship. Brand new, Do Revenge, which was so dumb but my God is Maya Hawke hot.

Sweet/Spicy Or Savoury: Yes

Currently Working On: The Hellcheer Christmas one-shot that was promised, in which Chrissy wears an itchy santa outfit and Eddie is really into the idea of ringing her bell. I'm also still stuck on Chapter 12 of Soul because there is a VERY SPECIFIC moment I want to get right, which means I've stopped writing altogether out of anxiety. So that's been SUPER SWELL.

In my professional life, I have a book that's back from line edit that I haven't even touched, lol. It needs proofread and, like, published? I guess? So I can make money and eat? And then I probably need to write another book or two. But Hellcheer is so much more fun. :(

[symbioteburnout]

Tired of venting about this but I am just gonna give a bit of an update on my car situation.

I took my car back to the mechanic my Uncle recommended because my car is still leaking and leaving dark spots under the engine in the driveway (they’re usually around the passenger side). This has been going on for almost two weeks now. It started when I got a text from my Landlord saying I was leaving dark spots in the driveway and that he wanted me to get it fixed pronto so that whatever I was dripping didn’t stain/ruin the asphalt. I left some cardboard underneath it at work to see if I was dripping and I found dark spots, but I couldn’t tell if it was oil or coolant. Took a look under the hood and saw my engine was filthy and covered in oil.

On my Uncle’s recommendation, I took it to this mechanic who’s garage is over an hour from where I live now. I bring it in, he has a look at it and tells me my valve cover is cracked and that’s where the oil leak is coming from. Orders a new valve cover and gives me the quote (not as bad as I was expecting but 450 dollars just after I made a down-payment on an apartment is kind of a huge blow to my dwindling finances). I’m down my car for a couple days (the fix was actually done in one day, but I work nights and I wouldn’t have made it back to the garage before it closes if I used public transit), pick it up, With the new cover on, I assume I shouldn’t drip anymore, problem solved.

Wrong. Next day I pull out to go to work, dark spot under my engine.

I was planning on bringing the car into a garage that’s closer to where I live to have the oil changed anyway (also Uncle’s buddy’s garage isn’t open on weekends), but I’m curious as to what this is if it isn’t oil. Everyone tells me not to worry, that it’s probably just condensation from running the AC. Here’s the thing, I haven’t been running the AC. And even if I had, the condensation would have evaporated by morning, and water would not leave that dark of a spot. So that night, I wrap a sheet of cardboard in paper towels and leave it under the engine. Next morning I wake up to go to my oil change, check the cardboard and towels and see an orange stain on the paper towel. I talk with my Landlord, my Dad, and do a google search to see what orange fluid is and get two responses, one is that it’s coolant, the other is that it’s transmission fluid. I take it to the other garage for the oil change and tell them about the stains and that I just had the valve cover replace. This is a chain garage (specifically a Midas), they say they’ll give the engine a look while they’re changing the oil. They wind up having to clean the engine because the other garage, while they replaced the valve cover, they also left the engine covered in oil and coolant. Thankfully, Midas doesn’t charge me for the cleaning (but they replace my filters and wipers despite them only being in there a few months -_-). They tell me they couldn’t find any leaks but that the stains on the paper towels was probably coolant. They also said they found oil in the coolant line. They tell me to drive around like normal for a couple days, then bring it back for another inspection. (Oil change and other maintenance also takes a big chunk out of my paycheck) I call my Uncle’s garage again and talk to the guy I did before. I mention I’m still leaving stains on the ground and that it’s an orange fluid. He confirms this is coolant because he says he put fresh coolant in my reservoir after he replaced my valve cover because my coolant tank was almost empty. I tell him everything I was told at the Midas and he tells me to bring the car back for another look. I also mention that the car usually drips after I park, and only for a little while before stopping. If this was a leak, there would be constant dripping, wouldn’t just stop after a while so I’m assuming this is overflow. I also mention what Midas said about finding coolant in the oil, which this guy says is impossible because oil and coolant don’t mix. I take it back, he has another look at the car and I cancel my appointment with Midas since this guy is going to need to keep my car overnight again. Calls me a couple hours later to tell me my oil-cooler is leaking and that’s what’s caused the oil to get into the coolant. The cooler needs to be replaced, but the other problem is getting the oil out of the coolant line and reservoir, and also also that getting to the oil cooler to take it out and replace it will be more labor than before because he has to remove a bunch of parts to get to it. Same deal as before, have to wait a couple days before I can get my car because of my work schedule and transit lines. This repair costs more than the last one, almost 550. I go to the shop, he tells me the car is ready, but that because of the problem with the oil and coolant, he had to do a flush. He’s basically emptied the coolant reservoir and replaced it with water, if there’s oil in the coolant line, just adding more coolant will contaminate the new coolant and make the problem worse. So as it stands, I’m supposed to bring the car back once a week so he can perform more flushes on the coolant until we’re sure the oil is out. Before I leave, I ask him again, ‘will I still leave dark spots under the car?’, and he tells me ‘no, you shouldn’t.’. 

Check under my car this morning before I go to work, what do I see? MORE DARK SPOTS!

I don’t know if this is just part of the process, if it’s still overflowing or what but, I’m getting frustrated, and I can’t keep bringing this thing back for repairs because I am running out of money. I have one more paycheck this month but that needs to go to my rent and other bills, I can’t keep doing this!

My Dad and I have talked and he has said it might just be time to retire this car (it’s a 2012 Cruze, almost 11 years old now). I was already planning on getting new wheels but, again, I am broke, I can’t afford a down-payment right now. I was hoping I’d get at least another year out of this car but I’m not even sure I’ll get a few months out of it at this rate.

I’m supposed to bring the car back to buddy’s garage next wednesday anyway for another flushing, so I’ll let him know I’m still dripping but... I can’t keep doing this. I need to pay my rent, I need my car to get to work because using public transit takes too long, is crowded, and I’m usually not home until 2 in the morning, get maybe 4 hours of sleep so I can go back to work to do a 12-13 hour day to try and get overtime so I can afford all these maintenance costs, and my other bills. Just... ugh!

Why’d this have to happen RIGHT after I moved???

[aa06115286]

I don’t really know if I should title this, or how I would if I should.

I have that feeling again, like I want to go to sleep and not wake up again. I don’t want to die, not really. But just being able to sleep forever in my bed doesn’t sound so bad, it’s honestly close enough to how I want to die anyways. I guess that feeling comes down to a lot of things.

There are very few things in my life that make me happy anymore, truly happy. Making my dad proud is some of those. Spending time with family, talking to friends. And one other thing, but I’m too embarrassed to say it, I almost did before. I wrote a whole thing about it but decided it didn’t need to be said. And it’s the dumbest thing too, you probably wouldn’t even judge me. But still.

You know, It would be so much easier too, for everyone. You wouldn’t have to put up with me anymore, my mom would have less work, she might be happier. The only people who I genuinely believe would care are you, my dad, and my grandma. And it would be easier for me, I wouldn’t have to deal with my moms hypocritical asshole bullshit. I wouldn’t have to deal with the stress of making my dad happy, I wouldn’t have to deal with school.

Im just not doing well, I’m crying for the first time in a while. And it’s the stupidest thing pushed me here. My mom bugging me about getting a job, she doesn’t stop fucking talking about it. It’s all she talks about to me anymore, fucking school and a goddamn job. It pisses me off

The first day of summer she mentioned it one time to many and I snapped. I turned to her and said that I want to enjoy my childhood while I still have one, adults don’t get summer breaks. I guess she doesn’t know that, she’s unemployed. And she constantly talks about not having money, she said she quit her job to be able to take me to school but that’s bullshit, I trusty believe she would have enough time. I don’t know what changed in her.

I don’t want to get a job, because I one don’t need one. And two because I don’t think I’m in a good enough spot mentally. It my mom doesn’t realize that. Or she doesn’t care.

Why can’t people just leave me alone, that’s why I transferred ownership of that discord server and why I left, because I don’t want to hear from people anymore. I just want to live my life in a bubble, away from everyone else and the world. I wouldn’t have rejoined if my friend didn’t ask me too.

I don’t to have to do anything anymore, I don’t want to have to please anyone, and I don’t want to care anymore.

Im a really sad person aren’t I? Venting to a suicidal person to feel better. I feel like shit, I shouldn’t be venting to you. I really shouldn’t be. I know how you take in others pain. I only do because I actually know you care.

I’ll be okay, I promise.

[bratdykebarbie]

crybabypilled whinemaxxing

(pls ignore this I’m just venting/realizing why I’m alone lmao)

how am I a grown ass adult and yet I still feel the same sinking jealousy about crushes that I felt in fucking middle school

that overwhelming sick feeling that I will never be good enough for someone,

I will never be someone’s crush or someone’s fantasy beyond what I can give of my body,

and I don’t think I will ever find a person to spend my life with

I am too much of the things I shouldn’t be and not enough of the things I should be

reflecting on the fact that my first ever girlfriend cheated on me and my first real serious long term girlfriend probably cheated on me

her shitty friend who hated me and was mean to me and tried to get her to convince me to have an open relationship and honestly I’m sure she probably fucked him anyway

and my most recent ex who just couldn’t deal with me anymore

her “I can’t date anyone right now, I need to work on myself” bullshit that she tried to give me when she dumped me in early December

then was posting pictures with a new girl with captions about being in love w her on New Year’s Eve

I think I am fundamentally unloveable and everyone who has ever loved me unconditionally either secretly had conditions, used me for anything they could get, or they’re fucking dead

I want to sleep I’m so fucking sad rn