#anyways a bit of background context for the bad bitches who care about this stuff <3 (i love you bad bitches)

[enbyjane]

the truth is (a perspective on love)

context: edit based off a personal conversation with @onlineproblems about parental love, unconditional love and the love we deserve bonus: her wise perspective:

more bonus:

[theunconcernedembalmer]

how do u handle ur social anxiety? ive been struggling a lot with it lately to the point ive sorta been breaking down and what better way for advice than to ask someone that comforts u (mun[?] too)

Mun... might have something more useful for you.

aesops way of coping is probably avoidance but we all know that aint the best way aha. anyway this was one ask i could not stop thinking about because i read it n went (john mulaney voice) Huh my anxiety never got so bad till a break down, n then it happened to me a few days later. i do find this funny yes

anyway, the most useful thing ive learnt to handle my social anxiety (not entirely tho but its a good start) is to identify which trains of thought is Social Anxiety tm speaking so u can immediately know those r lies. stuff like Oh they’re laughing at me just as I walk by, they’re laughing at me, or Someone else is here, they probably hate me, I should go somewhere else but I cant, aaaaaaaaaaaaa

(if im not wrong,) usually theyre statements that are along the lines of “they hate you” or “you’re wrong”, n they’re based off an irrational fear of others that can be countered using evidence or, well, logic and rationale. things like “No one is keeping a checklist of your mistakes, you’re literally the only one doing that and scrutinizing each one of them, others dont care so much about these things.” (ive found this to be a very good counterargument to use for a lot of situations so im bolding it) or “You wouldn’t think that if someone else messes up, it should be the same for them. And if they say it isnt a big deal, it probably isnt”. for me i usually keep repeating these more logical explanations n counterarguments to myself to kinda quell the social anxiety voice for a bit. i know there are cases that it doesnt work 100%, but its a good start

n if ur also like me who avoids eating/ getting food cos theres human interaction involved, i kinda try to get my friends to drag me out whenever possible. no shame, even a simple “hey lets drop by the convenience store later so i can grab a snack” is better than starving for like. a day or so. its also cos of this whenever i plan my schedule for the day, i see if i can plan it such that its convenient for me to get food for both lunch and dinner (sorry im not one for breakfast aha). n also i find that if i dont like the food (sorry im a very picky eater), i would rather starve than eat, so now im willing to pay a bit more for food i like n will eat

or just having someone else to talk to about these kinds of things, and kinda having a second opinion of “was that weird of me” or “should i have done that” with someone (ppl give advice better to others than to themselves aha) really helps, i think. u could probably also ask for advice maybe (like this? XD) ((after i had a small meltdown that day i went to my boyfriend’s to complain for an hour n honestly that helped me to release a lot of distressed energy n its better than stewing in it for the rest of the day + i got some advice that i slowly worked on when i was feeling up to it enough))

im also still kinda bad at small talk with strangers, especially ppl whom i just met. i find a small trick to this (that again does not work all the time) is to try to find a relevant topic (background is also fine i guess, depends on context), n as they answer find something about their answer that u can branch off into another topic. it could be a personal anecdote that is remotely related to that topic, it just gives u things to talk about aha (eg someone saw me drawing n commented that one of their friends also draws, n i started talking about how i used to get really bad grades in art class. which wasnt quite the topic but it worked). n when ur ending ur turn to talk, try to have something that the other person can comment on/ answer. having said that, this is hard if the other person is equally awkward/ doesnt give u much to branch off on from their replies (i mean they really only answer your question n rarely elaborates unless prompted. eg “what did you have for lunch?” “pasta.” “oh, what kind?” “carbonara.”). then i say its only as awkward as u make it to be, perhaps u would be better off kinda just sitting together in silence. its not weird unless u make it, n not every moment has to be filled with conversation.

thank u so much for this ask by the way, social anxiety is a huge bitch to have n it sucks extra much that a lot of our fears seem incredibly stupid from a “normal” point of view n we are constantly on edge even if we seem 101% fine cos we’re not fine aha. but just know ur not alone in this, n i hope some of these might have helped. 

i guess i should put some sort of disclaimer here, these r just some of my own personal problems n the solutions i have are mostly for me (maybe except for countering the thoughts), so i understand if they might not work for others. so i kinda recommend just sitting down, identifying which aspects social anxiety is affecting n finding a solution that works for u is kinda the best. try out different methods, if they dont work thats alright, if it does then thats great. it takes a lot of time, admittedly i starved myself for a couple of semesters before i found this solution for myself. it also take a lot of constant effort to counter, n to that i wish u all the best, n good luck in finding methods that work for u <3

[rhydium]

Info dumbo about the StarFinite story?

aright u asked for it anon GET READY [cracks knuckles] this is gonna be long so obligatory cut in 3, 2........

...1!

so the uh, the au! the story!! w/e yall wanna call it! full disclaimer, i only began working on this whole thing a while ago, but it's totally taken over my fukn brain. like, we're talking big hyperfixation hrs. am i cringe for being this invested in my own content? yes? cool i do not Care >:3€

i should also throw it out there real quick that i am kin w/ infinite, n this is actually one of my two canons (both of which are my own aus lmfao wow). i didn't go into it expecting it to be but sfsfsgdfs here we are ig!! for that reason it's got extra importance to me n this definitely contributes to the euphoria i get from it!! it's a lil odd writing ur own canon,,? but i kinda just go w/ the flow!

the au n, the story that i will start Eventually, revolves around infinite n starline (obvi) n it's honestly just ... the tl;dr is big healing momence n, what's this? uh oh sisters !!! they are falling in love 😳😳😳

uhhhh so infinite is an android, made by eggman. that's like, the most notable canon divergence here! super important context to have. i've got a whole big theory on the possibility of sega originally intending infinite to be an artificial being (which i explored in the works for my Other canon too), stemming from not only the scene in forces wherein infinite comments on sonic's "data", but a line of dialogue from tails in one of the last stages of the game where he Literally Says "so this is where eggman built infinite". that ... i mean. that contrasts w/ episode shadow pretty hard don't it?? would explain why that dlc was so rushed, n the comic too. ANYWAY adsfsfs um that's a seperate ramblepost. yeah!!!

they are also agender n use they/them (primarily) as well as he/him!! so i'll be refering to them w/ those pronouns!

after the war, infinite is taken in by the resistance n, instead of being dismantled, they're basically given a chance to rehabilitate themselves. it's agreed that they won't be reprogrammed, as despite the potential risks, it feels wrong to do so; like a violation of their free will, individuality n thinking. if infinite is to be a good person, it's not gonna be bc other ppl recreated their entire personality, it's gonna be bc it's what they themselves truly want. robot ethics idk man!! u can't tell me that sonic n co wouldn't offer this to infinite if they offered it to metal in IDW,,,, i am Standing By This!!!

it's, yknow, a bit rocky, at first. infinite has to really fight the urge to return to eggman (something they already tried once, before the resistance found them; they were cast out). it's a struggle against what they were built to do, against giving into unhealthy familiarity over facing a, while healthier, unfamiliarity. new faces, a new life, turning their back on their mission n creator, it's like, a lot.

they work for/with the sonic crew, rebuilding the world they tore down as deemed fitting justice, being closely monitored for a bit as a natural precaution. as it becomes apparent infinite truly no longer has any ambition to harm others (they don't have much ambition for anything, really), they're then granted more freedom, n start taking on more important missions!! it at least gives them something to do, keeps them occupied. they have issues with dissociation, unreality, whether they're truly a real person bc, well, android. feeling purposeless, n a lack of worth, especially. a need to prove themselves. heavy stuff. i'll kinda go into that a bit more in a sec. their work grounds them, if only temporarily.

n soooooo... IDW comic stuff happens. metal virus time. starline gets kicked out of the empire.

now, as the comics are ongoing, n as this is already an au, there's gonna be divergence, n i must admit i haven't planned out all that yet. there's a lot i have to consider!! infinite being w the resistance/restoration is a big game changer ... tho i Do believe that they were absent, likely on a far out mission during most of the chaos. eggman doesn't know abt them, nor does starline or anyone else other than the sonic crew; n some civilians that recognise them.

i'm not 100% sure of Exactly when it happens, but i think it's just after bad guys, that infinite is sent to locate n bring in starline. it doesn't prove too difficult. there's a whole, starline realising "oh fuck it's you???", some bickering n, the two don't hit it off right away. they're both kinda like. not mentally stable ddgddgdds,,,

so uh. starline ends up essentially going thru the same sorta shit as infinite. careful watch, rebuilding, all that jazz, making sure he can be trusted. he's like... very very lost, quite like infinite is. the world has kinda calmed down, in the meanwhile.

it's at this point i'm gonna go ahead n drop a bit of a ramble i subjected my friends to a while ago, to articulate the way i see the two, n their dynamic together!! i was considering making this it's own post a while ago!

analysing their characters a bit... let's look at starline. Like. so we have this, in bad guys, which SENT ME tbfh;

i feel like it's the moment that triggers starline onto the path he is rn canonically,,, he's clearly like. rly mad n bitter. the core of this?? he wants his work n his efforts to be acknowledged.

he's big angry. still kind of in denial at this stage. he has himself obsessed w/ the idea of making eggman see him as Worthy, that if he just tries hard enough, that'll happen. he's dependent on eggman's validation, n i mean, it's no surprise; he's followed him a Long Time by the sounds of it.

then in the recent issue, hold the fuck up, bc we got, This;

god. my god it's all comin together now homies. this???? this right here??? it is the CLASSIC "i have to do this to prove i'm strong n powerful n smart n worthy n should be respected please Give Me Acknowledgement" ..... n who else is Like That? can u see where im going w/ this?

i think most ppl are aware of infinite's character being extremely indicative of self worth/esteem issues n the need to prove themself, right?? the extreme adversity, repulsion, perhaps even fear toward the idea of being weak. the compulsion to prove otherwise, to show their strength, to become powerful, to conquer to make a point. their theme exudes this same energy as their behaviour in-game; an aggressive attitude, trying to assert themself, while if u rly listen...? the lyrics are actually really sad in places. it reeks of cover up, although composition wise, a v interesting thing to note is a lot of the more telling lyrics are prominent while some of the affirming ones are in the background. indicative of a desire to have their true feelings be heard but caught in a vicious loop?

okay okay that's yet Another different analysis. AHEM.

not to get deep on main (oh who the hell am i kidding that's the point of this entire thing) but i think starline has issues w/ his worth in a similar way to infinite. they both seem to have this need to Prove something, whether it's to others or themselves, n get caught in a toxic spiral of doing worse n worse things for Some kind of validation or acknowledgement. they'll go to really big lengths chasing that, n both of them ultimately sought validation in the wrong place n wrong way.

this is a big part of my starfinite dynamic,, n so, what happens, as they get closer n open up??? we have them BOTH realising together that they don't have to do fuck all to prove anything to anyone. they don't need to do all this to show they're strong n smart n worth something, not to anyone else OR themselves. they're enough as they are. they bond over that shared feeling that they have to do xyz, to prove themselves, n that desire to just finally be acknowledged n appreciated n help each other thru it. to help each other understand that other ppls approval, or lack thereof, doesn't define them, their strength, intelligence, and worthiness.

i feel like they have an interesting parallel between them in like... the above could be taken as a general analysis, but to go more in depth on this au specifically?? ...

starline followed eggman for presumably a long time n it no doubt left him feeling a heavy and deep regret for all that time wasted n spent on an unhealthy path. infinite kinda teaches him that what matters is what he's doing Now n also reminds him that if none of it happened, starline wouldn't have learnt a lot of the serious skills he has. n while starline still feels bad, he also realises himself that, he likely never would have crossed infinite's path if none of it happened. for that reason, he wouldn't take it back.

infinite has only been recently made, on the other hand. they haven't really existed long, yet, but so far their experiences haven't been very positive n it can be .... discouraging. starline sorta, shows infinite their limited experiences w/ the world are a very tiny fraction of what's out there, n things can absolutely change, yes, including for the better; that's the essence of life, a neverending, constant flow of change.

it's a big tale of moving on n letting go, honestly; made easier as they're doing it together. n as they heal n grow, well... these bitches gay. sfshshdgds like, ig that's putting it p bluntly but!! they start to trust each other, understand each other more. as they get to truly know who the other is, they both start developing The Feelings. they're both pretty oblivious n the reveal is totally unknown so far!! yeah, i know, bummer. i suck. boo. adafsfsds however i can say there will be lots of content in the making!! if that soothes the soul! i've got of ideas i hope to bring to life.

ofc there's still a lot of more specific things i haven't covered here so! if y'all want more juice hmu w/ more focused questions but !! this is the overview n i hope it was a decent read now that gave some uhhh! Cool Insight! yea!!! ✌

[kinetic-elaboration]

September 25: 1x16 The Galileo Seven

I took a half day off today and had a three hour nap in the afternoon. Now I’m feeling, I think, better?? Perhaps?

Anyway, today’s ep is The Galileo Seven, aka capitalizing on Spock’s popularity time.

Hmm, a vague and undefined phenomenon perfect for scientific study--Spock will love this. (Aka Kirk’s real reason for investigating the quasar. Just a little gift for the bf.)

Yeah Shuttlecraft Galileo! I love the shuttlecrafts; I think they’re adorable.

New Paris Colony.

The Commissioner isn’t wrong, though, like this probably isn’t the time to go on a random exploratory mission. Ah, yes, this weird space anomaly full of unknown dangers--let’s launch our most important officers right into the center of it while we have time sensitive supplies onboard. I mean come on, there’s a plague going on!

Love the shaky movements of the shuttle as it flies through space.

Hmm they’re exploring an unknown weird space thing and something goes wrong? Who could have predicted that? Other than Boma, who’s like ‘this is actually really normal though?’

Kirk’s sigh right before the credits lol.

Uhura taking over for Spock.

Those doors looked awfully, um... not metal when they opened. But I still like the design.

This is a good episode for understanding what ‘logic’ means to Spock. Like people, including people in this ep, talk about it as if it were just being emotionless and not caring about others but it’s a whole philosophy/value system and he adheres to it pretty well.

Shuttlecraft Columbus.

Kirk has such a big headache right now. He hates having someone step on his command toes.

I love this Bones and Spock conversation. “This is your chance for command.” “I am a logical man.”

Those pants really are terrible. Everyone always on about the skirts but no one ever talks shit about those horrendous pants.

Spock gets to show off his legs standing in a V like that though lol.

Philosophy 101: The Trolley Problem.

“My choice [of who to leave behind] will be a logical one.” Stop bullshitting, Spock lol. “Idk man... logic?”

Well his decision just got easier by about 1/3.

It’s Pauna! Oh wait wrong show. Thank God.

Spock is talking about how this spear looks like something Native American but lbr it looks like a Vulcan spear and he should know. He’s the bitch with the ancient weaponry hanging on the walls of his quarters.

Spock could move the body way more efficiently, I mean he’s 3x stronger than these other fools. Look at the way he throws the spear as if it were made of cardboard. Which it is definitely, definitely not lol.

That quadrant name would make a good wifi password.

The commissioner truly has NO purpose here other than to be a human clock.

I understand Spock not wanting to waste time with the ceremonial duties of command or with burying a person while he could be working to save the people who are still alive...but I don’t believe for one moment he doesn’t know elaborate funeral services. The Vulcans love their rituals.

“We have no fuel! What alternatives?” Yeah lol that is pretty bad.

“Sensitive Vulcan ears.”

He literally just said they’re not tribal, Boma, are you not listening at all?

“I’m frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.”

Like Kirk always says, this isn’t a democracy.

Honestly this insubordination kinda seems like xenophobia to me in that I feel like everyone thinks it’s okay to be disrespectful to Spock because he’s an alien, because their human morality and philosophy is inherently right and Spock not following it is deserving of ire, even though he’s in command.

They’re on Spock’s back when he doesn’t seem to respect life enough and when he respects life too much like he cannot win.

Our duties to other life forms.

At least the reboots got Spock’s sass right.

I feel like Spock’s logical and emotionless responses are helpful though because I would be a straight up anxious mess. It just seems so clear to me, all the places where being unemotional is allowing him to act and keep control where a scared and confused person ruled by emotions would not be. I mean they’re all Officers and it’s not like McCoy and Boma are wandering around weeping or anything but still. Not all of Spock’s decisions are right but I’d be soothed by his attitude.

“Luck may be the only tool we have that works” reminds me of “Captain, you almost make me believe in luck.”

Kirk also makes a lot of command decisions here and it’s interesting to compare his style with Spock’s.

Loving the creature design and this is not a sarcastic comment.

“Certain scientific curiosity” about whether the crewman is dead. Sure okay.

See, I was right, he can lift and carry a grown man by himself.

That spear very much hit him lol.

Spock is upset. He lost a crewman. And logic isn’t working like it’s supposed to. I love that “They should have respected us” bit. He is a little arrogant, and for someone who’s spent most of his adult life around aliens, rather set in his idea that rational responses are the only responses.

He’s really having some revelations here. I bet he can’t wait to discuss all this with Jim.

I’ve seen that shot of Scotty just shoving a wrench in the wall and making sparks fly used in memes. Out of context it is quite hilarious.

Ugh, this is such a tightly constructed narrative. Love it.

Yeah, Boma, back off. This is just crossing a line.

“You will have your burial, provided the creatures permit it.”

Poor creatures honestly. These weird aliens keep showing up and bothering them.

This Captain’s chair is pretty wide too but Kirk manages to sit in it and look cool @ cpine.

Noooo you can’t leave them behind!

Uhura posing behind the Captain’s chair and looking at the screen like google earth always taking pictures.

Lol, space normal speed. (You’d think the Commissioner would show up at this point to be like bUt ThE pLaGuE but actually we never see him again.)

Those creatures aren’t even AIMING the spears they’re literally just throwing them parallel.

“Get us off, Scott.”

“Yes.... my first command.” Oh, Spock. I love him.

Love that Scotty’s really, genuinely proud of him. Scotty’s so Unproblematic. He really is just here to do his job and he’s never mean or causing trouble of any sort.

Jim will see the flares because he loves you!!

This poor actress playing the Yeoman has nothing to do. “Oh, it’s hot!”

Really living for Kirk’s face journey as he thinks all hope is lost and then realizes they’re (mostly) okay.

I want to hear what Kirk and McCoy are saying at the beginning of the last scene. I bet they’re talking about Spock.

Everyone gently making fun of Spock but in a ‘we love you buddy way.’ And Kirk using this, their one scene together all ep, to lay on the flirting extra thick. “Mr. Spock, you’re a stubborn man” is really pushing the flirtation meter off the charts.

They’re mocking him for making an impulsive decision but he was totally right AND he was totally logical imo? Like “you reasoned that it was time for an emotional outburst” is certainly one way to put it but another way is “the only possible chance we have of being detected AT ALL is to make a big scene and if it doesn’t work we’ll just die faster than we would have anyway” which is logical, and in fact, I think someone too caught up in their emotions might hesitate to do it. I mean, I’d probably hesitate--I think the emotional response to the situation is to want to stay alive as long as possible, even if you know--logically--that the difference between living another 6 minutes and another 26 minutes is nothing. You’d be better off giving away the chance for 20 extra minutes in exchange for a better chance of not dying at all. That’s logic bitches!

Kirk sees some hope for himself here. “Oh, Spock can follow his heart??? Perhaps... to me??”

I am not a fan of these fake laughter endings. They are so overdone lol. Uhura is literally pointing and laughing in the background. It’s not THAT funny guys.

That said if Beyond had ended with some fake laughter it probably would have improved the film substantially.

And that’s it! An excellently plotted episode, really well done on the level of craft. I really get off on that kind of thing. I know a lot of shows that can write entertaining episodes/seasons/multi-season plots but don’t have any, well, real logic to them and that’s not necessarily the worst but then when you see something that’s really just well made, it... well for me it triggers a very certain satisfaction.

Also this is easily a top 3 Spock episode. Great character stuff.

Next up is the Squire of Gothos, which I think is one of the weaker S1 episodes. Not bad, just not Classic level like almost every other ep.

[flowurfields]

rant sesh!

does you blood pressure ever just rise exponentially when certain people text you!? because that’s me right now. over the years, i’ve found the best way for me to deal with any sort of overloaded stress is to sit down and write it all out.

long story [not really] short, i was living in a house with two of my best friends this past year for our sophomore year of college. once corona hit and sent us all home to quarantine we ended up moving back to our own homes and just continued to eat the rent as we loved our house and planned on living there for the remainder of college.

anyway, a couple weeks ago our landlord asks if we plan on renewing our one year lease. for some more background context, for whatever reason our landlord jim said that only one name could be under the lease. one of my roommates, let’s call her Bitch, has a super aggressive mom who kept on nagging the shit out of my dad. since my dad hates dealing with Bitch’s mom, he just said fuck it and put our name on the lease so that no one had to stress about it. this would fuck us over in the end...

so basically a couple weeks ago our landlord contacted us asking if we planned on renewing the lease. we all agreed, no issues at hand. with corona continuing to be a shitshow in america, our school promising us that we would be back in the fall started saying ‘haha oh jk things are really bad! maybe we’ll do online!” which changes things up a bit. me and my other roommate didn’t see a point in living up there if we didn’t need to be. we were basically on the page of let’s play this by ear and if we go online and want to move back home we’ll regroup and either find subleasers or something. Bitch, on the other hand was adamant on continuing to live nearby our school as she reasoned she would be seeing other people from our school and she couldn’t afford the luxury of returning home as she claims her dad is high risk (despite the fact that within the past couple of months she has gotten her nails done [twice], gone to malls, seen multiple friends, and attended a party). anyway, she freaked out that me and the other roommate wouldn’t be living at the house since we were talking about living at home if things were to proceed online. she kept on saying how she ‘didn’t want to be left alone’ and how her parents were worried we would ‘leave her alone’. to her credit, we were talking about living at home but i also made sure to say i would be living there at least part time since we just resigned that stupid lease. in my case, i would live there throughout the week and i may spend weekends at home where there is air conditioning (our house was built in like the 50s or some shit and there’s no AC and it’s consistent 80s thru October). still. just that one text message convo sent her into this weird frenzy and within a week she sends us a bomb and texts us how she just signed a new year lease somewhere else! just out of the blue! we were literally talking about having a discussion so we could work something out. nope apparently that was never an option for Bitch. 

that was the bulk of the drama. this all happened two weeks ago. it was dramatic as i was away with family while this was all going down. since i was left with the lease and my other roommate chose to stick with me, we decided it was just best if we let go of the lease altogether. meaning we had until july 31st to move everything out if we wanted to get back our deposit. which lemme tell u. moving on short notice is a pain in the ass. i also had several big items we shared while we all lived together, such as a huge tv, trash can, conventional oven, etc. but i finally after a week, i am all moved all out.

i was pretty glad to be pretty much done with this whole house disaster situation until Bitch texts saying how the house needs to be cleaned since it’s super gross or whatever and i’m not even kidding when i tell u my blood pressure ROSE. i basically tell her that maybe she should take it upon herself to find one (since my other roommate had to deal with getting rid of one of our fridges that broke,, and that was a pain). she responds all snippy saying how she’s been dealing a lot with helping our landlord find new tenants and blah blah blah blah and how she ended up leaving her key so she can’t get back in the house!!!!! (she moved out all of her stuff today since today is the last day and she just casually mentions how she left her key). lemme tell u BITCH WAS MAD (this time im bitch). i was like wow! how convenient for you to just leave your key when you choose to be done with all of this, when there’s clearly still something to work out. she just chose to put this situation between me and the other roommate as we still have our keys and access to the house. like am i psychotic or is that fucking rude? and so i call her out on that and then i’m like yeah that should be an obligation after you pulled out so last minute on our landlord and us lol. 

so that’s my rant. i can’t wait to be done for good with this whole housing situation. i doubt any of my 7,455 followers read this entire thing, but if you did hi! hope you’re doing well lol. if u seriously did care to read this, plz lmk what u think. like am i crazy or do i have a right to be mad i’m stressin rn. anyway xoxoxo plz stay safe and healthy. stay away from people who will screw you over!

[thotragnar0k]

i’ve been occasionally vague in my tags recently (don’t know if anyone actually reads them when i do add them but anyway) and I figured i should probably explain myself.

this past month of august has been really hard for all the good things that have happened in it. i’ve been feeling really upset about my body, my eating habits and my lifestyle, and while i thought being at home wasn’t helping, i was wrong (for reasons that will be explained in this super long post - i am so sorry people who don’t care about me).

i’ve never been happy with my weight. friends of mine have probably noticed that i put myself down a lot - saying self-deprecating things like I’m ugly and one such thing today i’m nowhere near pretty enough to a) marry rich and b) have a sugar daddy (you don’t need context here) - and it’s a problem i am subconsciously trying to fix. 

but as i was saying, my body and i have never been on good terms. i think that my curves are in all the wrong places, and i feel like i’m in that gross in-between where no clothes look good on me, and I don’t have the right proportions for my tall (5′7-5′8) body.

i celebrated my 20th birthday this year, twice technically. Once a few days before with my friends and another the weekend of with my family. Firstly the night out with my friends. Sidenote: I’m not a ‘night out’ kind of girl. I don’t really like to get hammered. I will, I just won’t drink so much that I’ll throw up - mostly because I’m lazy and down want to have to clean. But as we were all at home, I figured fuck it, lets go out-out. Sometimes you just need to go out and get drunk with some friends. 

three things happened that night that made me hate myself. three things, I don’t think I’ve actually told my friends (both of which are on tumblr and may see this if i don’t mass reblog other things immediately after it), or if i have I’ve played it off. 

the first thing: my choice of outfit. again body issues. and lack of night out clothing. i don’t own any jeans that actually sit on my waist. i have high waisted jeans but unfortunately they always slip down to my hips (under my muffin top). my friends looked gorgeous. i felt like i stood out, but in a really bad way. sure the dress i wore was nice, but it wasn’t anything like the outfits they were wearing; jeans and a fancy top. 

the second thing: dancing on a bar in coyote ugly. i did it because, you only dance on a bar once and they were doing it. i can’t dance. i have zero rhythm in this body. dancing on a bar did nothing to help my self confidence. i felt like everybody was watching me and judging me and it made me want to disappear into my bed and never leave it again. 

and the third thing, also happening in coyote ugly; riding a rodeo bull. sure i’d love to say that i was too drunk to care. but i wasn’t. i was tipsy sure, but not too drunk. the thing that made me hate myself during this section of the night out - i couldn’t even get on the bull. my thick ass thighs kept sticking to the seat of the bull and my weak arms couldn’t pull my fat ass up. Sure I got up eventually, but the embarrassment of not being able to get on a rodeo bull was enough to completely slam dunk my self esteem into a trash can and into a bottomless pit. so that was fantastic. 

concerning the weekend with my family; i found myself crying in the bathroom silently before we went to cardiff because i wanted to dress up nice because we were going to a nice steakhouse, but my problems with my body just made me want to hide under a big baggy jumper. 

and i did. i found my biggest, baggiest jumper and i hid in it, because I couldn’t stand to see my disgusting body in something vaguely form fitting. no one commented on it, no one cared, but i did. and to be honest, i think it ruined my birthday.

and thats so sad, that such a small insignificant thing could ruin a while day. but it did. and to me it didn’t feel like a small, insignificant thing. it felt like a huge weight on my shoulder, drowning me completely. it also impacted my relationship with my boyfriend. he noticed that i haven’t been texting him as much as i usually do (not that im crazy, i just like to know how his day is going) and when we were conversing I was barely responding and being quite distant. and i hate it that that’s a thing i do; isolating myself to deal with my problems. i’m better now. i talk to him as much as i used to do, if not slightly less because i have nothing to do at the moment and there’s no point texting him for a cuddle because i’m not anywhere near each other for that instant gratification.

there have been many a night this summer where i have depersonalised (link here for those who want to know more) because of these issues, and its so hard to pull myself out of that floaty feeling. I’m better at it now than I used to be, but it’s still so hard. 

i’ve had so many things i need to do in preparation for third year of uni but these episodes of depersonalisation have really stood in the way of actually doing that. i’ve got photos of a mutual that i need to retouch and send back to her but i can’t pick up the energy to sit at my laptop and do that work because i feel disconnected to part of my body. 

and knowing she’ll read this, she’ll say just send them over to me un-edited; but the nit-picky, perfectionist part of my brain refuses to let me do that. i can’t send them to you because these aren’t perfect. they aren’t right. i can’t send them because this stray hair is out of place or this photo isn’t quite correctly exposed and sure, it seems trivial but it isn’t to me. 

i went to a convention this past weekend; asylum steampunk in lincoln. i was helping my mum sell her books, occasionally assisting a photographer and his team, and running around taking photos. it was an odd convention; i felt as though i’d both done a lot and nothing at the same time. usually i feel so tired after a multiple day convention that i need a four day nap to catch up. but i was actually okay. 

i learned a lot about myself at that convention. firstly, i oddly like talking to people and selling books. sure it’s hella tiring for just sitting behind a stall and occasionally selling a product. but chatting to people was actually really nice. my family tend to stick to ourselves. for welsh people (y’know that stereotype that welsh people never shut up) we don’t tend to socialise much, and networking is not our strongest asset. 

the other thing i, well i guess i re-learned; photographing people at conventions for fun is actually fun. For the past three or four conventions i’ve been to - comic, gaming and steampunk - i’ve always been thinking about how i can use the photos as a series for university. but this time; i wasn’t thinking about that. i wasn’t caring if the background was any good, or if the lighting was perfect. i was just taking the photos. and it was so relaxing and fun. it wasn’t work.

for three of the four days we were at that convention, i got into the spirit and i dressed up for it. One of the outfits, that was sort of like a steampunk-y mechanic was a wide-full leg jumpsuit that my mum and i made together a few weeks before. i tracked half of my journey of that on twitter, (the bits i did, the cutting the fabric etc - my mum actually sewed the whole thing together- though i did give her a shoutout on twitter for all her hardwork). I actually really enjoyed wearing that outfit (mostly because the pockets were s o b i g), for the other two days i went slightly more piratey, wearing striped brown and black l=pants and a flowey striped white shirt one day and a light lace skirt and off the shoulder top on the other. that skirt, i don’t know why i don’t wear it more often (aside from the fact it doesn’t fit any outfits i have and i’ll look like an idiot wearing it anywhere other than a convention) because i think i look so good in it (baring in mind the lack of body positivity i have, this is a big deal).

the other thing that i’ve been doing this summer is i’ve been getting into make-up and even fashion i guess, trying to learn how to do that stuff (man it’s hard, why didn’t i start earlier). make-ups not so much of a problem in what i’m about to talk about, but watching fashion videos on youtube is rather annoying when you’re an average to slightly above average weight. I’ve not found (until today, the videos i’m watching right now as i write this) any youtubers that are fashion related that are anywhere near the shape/weight that i am. They’re either super skinny waifs who can fit into anything they want (and like that one i saw, saying that a size fourteen is a great size for oversized clothing - bitch please, stop) or plus size and self confident with those curves in the right places and much bigger than i can relate to. not that there’s a problem with either, there’s just not as much representation for the ‘average’ person. there probably is and i just haven’t found it (currently watching lucy wood) and i need to look better into it. i can guarantee that is definitely the case. but still i’d love youtube to recommend those youtubers to me please.

something that i did realise from the steampunk weekend was that i was so busy ‘working’ if you can call it that, that i forgot to eat the crap that i usually eat during the day, and i guess i forgot to drink water (which is not a good thing, drink water kids). but the main thing is not eating crap all day, paired with the amount of walking i did that weekend (almost 30,000 steps over four days) has actually made me lose half a stone since the last time i weighed myself at the end of july. (so i’m very pleased about this) 

so sure, while third year is going to be so, so stressful, i’m making steps towards feeling better about myself and making sure i do 5-10 thousand steps a day and not eat as much crap as i usually do, but most importantly; learning to love myself and my body. 

oh my god this post is so long. i’m so sorry anyone who reads all this. 

tl,dr: the month of august has been depressing, body issues galore and i’m probably being ridiculous but i’m trying to get better.

[tumblunni]

AH FUCK I REMEMBERED IT AGAIN I swear its like clockwork, i keep making this post like once a damn year

OKAY SO THIS SCENE

now i like i never actually cried at persona 4, its actually my least favourite persona game cos it has so much bigoted stuff you have to ignore to get to the actual plot. At least those sorts of moments were sidequest only in P3 and P5 BUT THE ANIME ADAPTATION I knooooowww that the anime has a load of flaws but like I think I’m the only one who preferred it to the game. or at least this ONE SINGLE EPISODE was great, and SO GREAT that it was better than the anime and the game combined! and I never cried at anything in the game but this one damn anime scene made me sob like a happy equivelant of P3′s ending scene sobs... and now i end up associating this one particular remix of the boss battle theme with that scene instead of the game and GAH i cant hear it without being hyped!!!

so yeah TO EXPLAIN THE CONTEXT FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVENT SEEN IT In the game: shadow mitsuo is a tough boss fight but has no emotional story stuff around it, also is not very climactic at all cos its obvious from the start that he’s a fakeout final boss In the anime: THE OPPOSITE OF ALL DAT In the game: protagonist has no dialogue and no canon personality In the anime: THEY GAVE HIM A DAMN GOOD ONE In the game: protagonist never gets a Shadow and thus never gets any doubts or fears or triumph over them which unlocks super extra power and makes you cry like a damn bitch In the anime: GUESS WHAT THEY ADDED

And FUCK it is SUCH a good plot and I am SO angry that it wasn’t in the game cos now I have to tell people to watch a terrible anime adaptation just to see this one uncharacteristically impossibly universally good bit that somehow snuck in! It’s so great because they establish Yu’s personality as ‘the comically serious guy’ and he’s just so much more loveable when he’s quiet but not silent, and only pipes up when he needs to break his own badass rep with a really silly comic relief moment. I will forever imagine his anime personality as canon, it makes the game so much better! And like once you’ve got so attatched to him you get the surprise awesomeness of him getting a Shadow episode, which you weren’t expecting cos its just Game Rules that the protagonist is always infallable and voiceless.

And I love how they pulled off that surprise, too! They show the gang about to fight Mitsuo before the opening credits, and then afterwards it seems like we’ve flashed forwards to after the fight. And like, it being a bad adaptation somehow makes it work even better?? It wouldn’t seem out of character for them to have skipped some minor fights in a montage sequence. And then the episode just continues, and you’re expecting that any second everyone will find out that Mitsuo wasn’t really the real villain, but instead it just keeps rolling into a happy ending?? And it just keeps going AFTERWARDS, and shows it all turn sour and scary and Yu has to face his demons And its so relateable what his troubles are! his biggest fear is losing his friends and finding out the people he cares about don’t care as much about him, or that he’s useless and could be easily replaced by someone better. His bad ending isn’t anything big or supernatural, it’s just the ordinary anxiety of finishing high school and wondering how long you’ll be able to keep in touch. And it works so well as a love letter to the game?? Cos you see him struggling to get the words out, you see him slowly becoming actually silent, and becoming actually superfluous in his own life. You see him fading into the background as everyone else leaves and nothing would even be different without him. if anything IS different, its them being HAPPIER without him! So its a deconstruction of his original gameplay limitations, and also a dark subversion of the game’s happy ending of everyone finishing high school, etc.

And then its just SO GOOD and SO CATHARTIC in the end HOLY FUCK Cos you find out they’re ACTUALLY STILL FIGHTING MITSUO And Yu is trapped inside an illusion of his own shadow and you never even noticed it happening! And then he has his big triumphant moment of facing himself and moving forward and you see his friends reach through the illusion world and pull him back to reality and then he unleashes THE MOST WELL COREOGRAPHED BEATDOWN IN ALL OF HISTORY God, this gives me the same sort of feels as Garnet vs Jasper in Steven Universe! Its a similar moment of a normally unflappable character being defeated, then coming back stronger after an emotional sequence and winning in a rematch that’s synced super well to an awesome song! (tho an instrumental here, not as cool as having relevant lyrics!) But MAN the fight is so fucking cool even with the anime’s sometimes terrible animation and tendancy to have the friend characters not actually do anything, lol. That’s still a problem here cos it’s unintentionally comical how they stop fighting and step back to let Yu deal the final blow, but I mean it works cos its A REALLY FUCKIN GREAT ONE, and they still contributed more than usual by holding bac mitsuo offscreen while Yu was trapped, yknow? BUT ANYWAY THE SCENE AND WHY ITS MY FAVOURITE THING EVER AND I REWATCH IT WHEN I’M DEPRESSED TO KILL ALL SADS Yu does an epic rolling thunder of Every Damn Move In His Moveset All One After Another In An Animation Train (Holy Fuck This Explains How Every Other Episode Had Zero Budget) And cos of how the magic works in this setting he gets to dramatically call out all the names to the beat of the music and the english voiceactor fucking nails the exact nuance of the original and I am SO HAPPY cos he barely got to say two words in the original game! its just Good. its just Really Good.

anyway have a link its probably not as cool out of context or maybe its not as cool if you dont relate intensely to anime Yu’s neuroses or have a dumb bunni brain that’s easily manipulated by Cool Musics And A Guy Yelling Ara Mitama but have it anyway and now i am gonna shut up about this until probably twelve months later when I remember it again

i cry evertiem

seriously man i know that feeling of like.. the triumph of realizing a certain negative thing you believed about yourself is wrong, or standing up to an abuser, or conquering some part of your depression, or just generally a triumph over self hate against all the odds! And I really wish that i could get an awesome theme tune and gloriously animated boss battle actually blowing up those negative feelings and then they never return. But I guess that just means that real life people are even more badass, cos we don’t get one big epiphany moment, we keep fighting and defeating all those self doubt boss monsters throughout our lives. I’m like twelve yu narukamis! :D