#anyways the point is i want things to go back to normal but also no uni. i cant do this shit anymore

[naamahdarling]

I do want to say, because I know I am extremely and probably sometimes unfairly unforgiving of everything to do with the medical profession, that I had a really good experience last week with a team that was very empathetic and trauma-informed. The area of medicine is deeply triggering and I truly didn't know if I would even be able to talk or not. They were very understanding and respectful and I didn't feel like an inconvenience or a difficult patient, or like someone who was making a big deal out of nothing.

I know and they pointed out that I'm not the only person with this issue. This is actually common. It is utterly baffling to me that so many providers aren't able to cope with PTSD in their patients, especially patients whose trauma is medical in nature. These people treated me like a normal person who had experienced some very not-normal things.

Anyway, I had an unexpectedly hard time afterwards -- I figured the hardest part would be the appointment, and it super was not -- and have had a hard time off and on since. It has not been fun. It's been frustrating and confusing and upsetting and scary. But for once, none of that was the fault of the people I saw. I went in unsure I'd even be able to talk about it and nearly completely certain I wouldn't be able to move forward with the things I need to do. I figured I would probably have to white-knuckle it through a panic attack. I came out having held a productive conversation that left me scared, yes, but also hopeful and optimistic that I can move forward. And I didn't have a panic attack. It was a radical and unexpected change.

I worked hard for this. Any trauma is an awful thing to live with. The work of remaking yourself around the holes it punches in you is hard and confusing. The healing is often slow. In my case it comes with very few immediate rewards (it will actually make my life more difficult for a while because I'll have to deal with more medical interference, hooray). But it was time for me to do this and I have come far enough and worked hard enough to have the resilience to try, and I did it.

All we did was talk, but that would not have been possible a year ago. It was all I could do to ask for a referral because even naming the specialty was upsetting. I couldn't make the phone call to set up an appointment and when they called to try to do it, I hung up. Six or eight months ago I managed to dial the number and then hung up the instant someone answered. Last week I walked into the building and said out loud multiple words that make me feel like I have worms under my skin and which I can barely look at, let alone type. I didn't lose speech. This was a big win for me, and I'm thankful it went well, and I actually am proud of myself. I didn't even use any of my antianxiety meds that day, because I didn't think I would need them.

I don't feel grateful to the staff, I feel like someone finally did the bare fucking minimum, but I am very grateful, because I am not only what I feel. I am also what I know and what I do, and I am finally sort of getting those three things to match up in a way that they patch the holes in one another a little, and maybe someday I can stop slipping through the cracks.

I'm scared they will fuck up when I go to get some issues addressed, and they will betray me or harm me. I really am. Because hey, that's what my experiences have prepared me for, so that's a very natural way for me to feel. Rational, even.

I'm scared that I will look back at this appointment and feel stupid for having experienced any hope at all.

But even if it goes to shit, I still went in there and tried. I still did my best. And my best was okay. I was able to separate my fear from what needed to be done just a little bit. That means something. Because I didn't think I could do it at all.

[castiwls]

the great war - s.w

Paring; sam x reader

Prompt; 'my hand was the one you reached for. all throughout the great war'

Requested; @lailawinchesterr

Notes; im so so so sorry this took so long a-levels kicked my ass so bad but I only have one left thank god

Masterlist | Taylor Swift masterlist

The bed was cold as your hand reached out into thin air. The bed beside you was empty and cold as you rolled over, your eyes squinting slightly as you tried to push through the slight fog of your sleep-addled mind.

“Sam?” You spoke into the silence of the room, frowning slightly as your eyes adjusted to the darkness. Where was he? Ever since he’d gotten his soul back from the pit he’d been…different.

You’d caught him on numerous occasions staring or talking at empty spaces. He was more jumpy than usual to the point where you’d started announcing yourself whenever you entered a room.

The room was strangely quiet as you sat up rubbing at your eyes for a moment before swinging your legs off the bed. Grabbing a jumper of the bed you slowly inched open the bathroom door, a frown growing on your lips when you found the room empty.

A small pit of fear began to stir in your stomach as you closed the door. “Sam?” You tried again. 

Biting down on your lip you thought for a moment. There were only so many places he could be when you were in a motel. You knew Dean had the Impala keys meaning that unless he’d wandered off he should be nearby.

Chewing on your lip for a moment you tried to calm yourself. Sam’s mental state had been far from steller and the idea of him wandering off worried you more than you’d like to admit.

Grabbing the room key you swung open the door - ready to go check Dean’s room. Though you paused your eyes fell to a form that sat on the small wall opposite your door.

“Sam?” The relief that rushed through your body bled into your tone. “What are you doing out here?” His shoulders tensed slightly for a moment before slumping back down.

“Couldn’t sleep. Didn’t want to wake you.” His voice was quiet as he spoke, his gaze focused on the dark horizon.

“Why couldn’t you sleep?” You quietly sat beside him, leaning into his warmth as the cold air nipped at your arms. Sam shrugged his thumb slowly tracing over his palm. “Sam. Don’t shut me out, please.”

Your voice was firm, almost begging him to tell you what was going on as you watched him. “I’m not.” He sighed running a hand through his hair. “It’s…it’s stupid anyways.” 

“If it’s bothering you it’s not stupid.” Your hand reached for his as a soft sigh left your lips. “I’m worried about you.” 

Sam’s eyes fell on your joined hands. He looked tired, the bags under his eyes more pronounced than normal. He almost looked defeated and it concerned you. You’d seen him quite literally go to hell and back and for a while things had been okay but now…now it’s like you were looking at a different person almost.

“Don’t be.” His eyes moved up to meet yours as he smiled - but it didn’t meet his eyes.

He knew you didn’t believe him when he told you it was simply nightmares. He also knew you would figure out sooner or later that the wall in his mind had fallen and now his own psyche tormented him.

He wanted to tell you, hell he wanted to scream till his lungs gave out that he wasn’t okay. But he wouldn’t.

Admitting it to you would make it real and he refused to make it real. 

His heart sank slightly as he heard your defeated sigh. “Okay.” You nodded squeezing his hand gently. “You don’t have to tell me but can you come back inside please.” 

He nodded feeling your arm brush his as you shifted closer. You sat like that for a moment before you stood your hand slipping from his. A small frown grew on his lips as he quickly followed you, his hand slipping back into yours on instinct.

The feel of your thumb instinctively rubbing back and forth against his hand made the cold which had been covering his bones melt away and for a moment the world seemed just a little more brighter as you pulled him into the room.

[brekwrites]

TSAMS final arc should be Sun and Moon vs. Their Editor

I think it’d be hilarious if the final arc is them starting to realize that the crazy amount of stuff that happens to them can’t be entirely coincidence and starting to investigate and then weird things keep happening to stop or distract them. And eventually they realize someone has been behind EVERYTHING all along.

The editor.

Then they have to try to figure out where the editor is and how they’re masterminding everything. And things get increasingly meta until they get sent to or find another universe where Sun and Moon’s names are Davis and Reed and the VAs are just regularly talking through them. And end up figuring out who the editor is by just asking Davis and Reed who edits their stuff and getting their name/username.

Then they go back and face off against the editor (the editor gets to play that character) in a “live stream” and once they’re defeated the video quality drastically decreases.

And then it ends with like. The whole family sitting in front of the camera saying it’s been real but we’re out, y’all. Thanks for everything but this was too much, we just want to live normal lives. And you’re just left to assume that things generally calmed down and it’s an openish ending and that’s kind of the point bc you don’t know what they’re doing after that.

Like wouldn’t that be insane? I’d watch the hell out of it.

(Also, ik that Sun technically started the gaming portion of the channel so he kinda had to hire the editor, but they could just say they reached out to him and he only knows them by that title.

The very first plot point could be them saying something while/after filming to the editor and then Moon being like “…who actually edits this anyway.” And Sun is like “ahaha idk.” Which is sus so Moon does some digging and the connection is encrypted, which is susser, and then things start happening to distract them.)

Tldr; Sun and Moon should fight their editor.

[thedemonsurfer]

-chinhands- I know everyone is up in a tizzy over Moon, but I wanna take a step back and look at the chain of events that have led to Moon's current state of mind.

And the root is Dark Sun.

So, Ruin Thanos-snapped a bunch of dimensions, and Solar is a casualty of that. Cue multiversal grief, Ruin getting locked up again, Eclipse getting bullied by Puppet and Frank into helping, and Moon declaring that he's going to find a solution.

Stuff happens next. Eclipse tries to pick a fight with Dark Sun and runs into his security system like a deer tangling with an electric fence, and also gets Something done to him. Moon finishes scanning Ruin, turns around for 2 minutes, and Ruin gets kidnapped (again). Moon hits a dead end with his research.

And Moon falls apart.

Up to this point, Moon had been pushing his grief off for later. There was a solution to this, he just had to find it. And that hope drained away over the course of the month, until he found a solution that involved sacrificing someone. Also the most justifiable candidate for this just left with spaghetti dinner.

Now, here's the crucial point. Because this is where Moon could have started to heal. He's being faced with the enormity of his grief, he's a few weeks behind his sibling on processing it, but he has the opportunity to do so here. There's nothing he can do to fix this, and he'll have to accept Solar's death.

This is fine. This is normal. This is healing.

And then Dark Sun showed up, grabbed Ruin out of the fridge, stapled him back together, and dropped him off on Moon's doorstep.

And Moon snapped.

Suddenly, he doesn't need to heal. He doesn't need to move on, he doesn't need to process. Opportunity is back on the table, and Moon latched onto it with hands and teeth, and he's not letting go.

It's not really hope anymore at this point, I think. It's desperation and fear. It's thinking himself a fool for even considering giving up on this chance. It's him moving his target from Ruin to Bloodmoon to possibly Eclipse or Stitchwraith or anyone else that's 'expendable'. It's using himself if he can't find a substitute.

And it's not about Solar, now. It's about control-- control over death.

And the root of control is fear.

And what he's afraid of, what Moon is actually fighting right now, is the fear of losing any more of his family. He has to bring back Solar, because it will prove that he can bring back any of them. If something goes wrong he can fix it. He has to fix it.

(I've got a whole aside comparing Ruin to Moon, but I started this thinking about Dark Sun specifically, so i'll try to stay focused)

So! That leads back around to what does Dark Sun get out of this?

Again, Moon was at a point where he could move on, until Dark Sun very deliberately intervened. This is exactly the same thing Ruin did by making Eclipse as a diversion to keep Moon occupied-- Moon is being nudged in a specific direction, and it's this plan for sacrifice. Eclipse apparently has an idea that won't involve sacrifice, and Dark Sun tampered with him so that he may or may not be dying (or his code is breaking down because it was based on Solar's).

So what does Dark Sun get out of it? Does he want to co-opt the procedure and use the energy or whatever for his own ends? Does he know the consequences and want to see them play out? Does he want a solution to the 'wiped from existence thing' as well, and is encouraging Moon to take the fallout if something goes wrong?

(They've said that time travel isn't a thing, I believe, which is a damn shame, because I think it'd be neat if Dark Sun was Solar in a time loop situation, where Moon brought him back but wrong and in the wrong time, and he's spent the past ??? years working back up to this point and is getting the loop closed. This isn't the solution but what if it was.)

Anyway, if Dark Sun interferes again to clear the way for Moon, that'll cement that he's directly benefiting from this, and we'll just have to see how things pan out.

OTL

[niinnyu]

Here's why I think the Gojo bait is not great writing and why you should maybe think so too (Spoilers till jjk 260).

We've spent the last few chapter consistently establishing a few things about our protagonist (Yuuji) and our antagonist(Sukuna).

1. Yuuji's father's soul is a reincarnation of Sukuna's twin: This instantly creates a connection between Sukuna and Yuuji.

As if you needed one outside of Sukuna's constant mockery of his former vessel's lack of "competance", and that most of yuuji's biggest losses can be attributed to Sukuna, building his wrath brick by brick. But surely adds to it all.

2. Yuuji feels incredibly lonely right now: Anyone he's created any sort of meaningful (?) Bond with outside of just 'hey you're an ally I can fight alongside with' is currently either dead or greatly incapacitated.

3. Also ofc the absolute damage that Yuuji has started incurring on sukuna. Damage that the slew of sorcerors before him couldn't. Forget about everyone teaching him abou love, Yuuji will show him Burning Rage.

This while also having hinted at Yuuji being possibly strong enough to do so on his own. He can go head to head with the King Of Curses with or without the help of his fellow sorcerors once he is able to harness this power.

Anything that was Gojo vs Sukuna feels absolutely irrelevant with the build up that Gege themself has been creating through the past few chapters.

Gojo's form right at the end of the chapter undercuts the pacing completely. Readers are more interested in those last 2 panels of Gojo which are completely removed from and rather jarring to the buildup between Yuuji and Sukuna. Fan interest in Gojo isn't their fault because that's what the chapter makes you focus on.

The only way I see this continue the buildup is if this is somehow Yuuji's doing or done with his knowledge, in which case it'd have been better to end the chapter by showing that Yuuji is aware of it and has an ace up his sleeve, bringing it back to the 2 relevent characters, and for people to stew in what Yuuji could be up to for a week.

But no matter what Gojo's visage there means, Yuuji in this moment has been so greatly undermined, not by his lack of strength, not by Sukuna outright demeaning him, but by the writing itself. By Gege.

And oh, how Yuuji deserves better.

[da-proti-toku-grem]

how do you know the difference between a huge anxiety attack and a panic attack?

[babacontainsmultitudes]

[just venting a bit into the void you understand you understand 😌] Lately I've been feeling very caught between "I have a lot of thoughts on Sparrow and Normal and all that with the ending and teen talk and feel like I need to get them out and voice them for my own piece of mind and resolution" and "I am lacking the strength and energy to actually sit down and write it all out and kind of really just want to fully move on to other things (AUs, fics, anything else)" but my brain can't seem to commit to either and that's quite frustrating cause it's just left me very restless. *Sigh*. Idk! Just needed to complain about that a bit ig, it's silly but this is what has been ailing me as of late.

[bunnihearted]

🍷

[adlibitur]

not to be Me™️ but

[rohirric-hunter]

Seriously why does DoorDash recommend such completely random tip amounts

[callixton]

like genuinely What is going on with my sexuality rn. love the idea of gay sex with you unfortunately the idea of being touched by anyone else makes me feel sick rn. i know that’s new. yeah i also can’t stop thinking abt being punched by a specific boy. no yeah he’s straight that’s a dead end.

[infizero]

light and misa's "relationship" is rlly tragic and fucked but also in an isolated state its really fucking funny. ESPECIALLY if you consider them both to be arospec like i do

[volfoss]

also its very funny bc choosing a misdeeds mission will have mistos going up to you and being like 😒 do you REALLY wanna do this one. like the one im doing rn is about this sibling who was like hey. i dont want my sister to date. kill the guy shes dating. and mistos was like this is mushy relationship stuff and i dont wanna get involved :///// and when i get there, shalvas starts the battle with smth along the lines of i really dont want to do this but here we go. literally what is his deal

[steelycunt]

i have officially read. 40 books this year!! last year i read uhh?? i want to say like seven. wahoo!! :-)

[starrbucky]

.

[the-impossible-bird]

this last week has been the absolute Worst for me mentally and also made me feel like I'm despicable as a person and don't deserve anything nice and I'm not even that glad it's over for multiple reasons