#anyways... saint shauna?

[biblicalhorror]

The yj subreddit is a cesspool of bad takes most of the time but I just saw someone make the connection between the strawberry lube and the fact that Shauna is shown eating "strawberries" when she's eating Jackie and I'm vibrating

[lheautontimoroumenos]

Jackie Taylor & Shauna Shipman in YELLOWJACKETS (2021-) / Antoine de Saint Exupéry, Le Petit Prince

[fabaceous]

like guys shauna literally NEEDS jackie to be dead in order to have the (in shauna’s head) ideal relationship with her. i saw this amazing post once that i cannot for the life of me find again (but if anyone has it on hand pls attach below as a supporting document 👇) about how shauna’s main crime is passive aggressiveness, which is to say, she is completely incapable of facing anything directly so instead she puts it through 10 trillion layers of filters and it comes out super warped and toxic.

if we extend that logic to her own feelings towards jackie (which we absolutely should) then there’s no WAY she’s ever going to let herself directly “worship” saint jackie in a positive way, like in the sense of confessing her love for her or EVEN allowing herself to have a crush or EVEN being an exceptionally devoted friend. she can’t confront the bad but she can’t confront the good either. there IS genuine love there and shauna clearly wants to experience the feeling of worshipping jackie otherwise she wouldn’t go through all these contortions! but because shauna is shauna, the safest way for her to experience that feeling is by hurting jackie and then self flagellating about it and convincing herself that this is love. and jackie dying, arguably by shaunas own hand, is actually PERFECT for shauna. it literally gives her enough material for the rest of her life!

once jackie is dead and becomes - dare i say - frozen as the eternal and unchanging saint jackie, shauna is finally free to worship her forever and ever, without the possibility of jackie putting a stop to the vicious cycle by calling her out on it and forcing a confrontation that would lead to EITHER the end of their relationship OR a reckoning with their feelings and the creation a new kind of relationship that shauna is not prepared to have.

and in either of these scenarios she will ALSO be forced to reckon with both her and jackie’s faults and accept that they are both flawed but redeemable humans rather than Saint Jackie and Sinner Shauna. this is apparently such complicated and uncomfortable idea to shauna that she would literally rather worship her dead best friend than have to face it.

so anyway. yeah. shauna needs jackie to be dead because Sinner Shauna needs her Saint Jackie. normal relationship for normal people

[shiqmns]

Everyone but You

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no crash au

part 2 at some point..

was listening to everyone but you by the front bottoms while writing this so take that as u please!

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shauna shipman—shauna fucking shipman, like #6 on the WHS soccer team, jackie taylor’s bestfriend—bitch to everyone except apparently you is pulling you away from a party, you!—

how the fuck did this happen?

lunch 3 days pre-party—that’s when things began getting weird, lottie matthew’s (who to the general public of Wiskayok high—is the second most popular girl, succeeded by non other than jackie taylor) comes up to you, you’re nose deep in a book, a jane austen book to be specific, and to be really specific ‘Pride and Prejudice’, you’ve got your headphones on, blasting whatever playlist spotify thinks you should listen to when you read consisting of mellow-sad-angsty songs; when suddenly you see a hand waving in front of you, you jump and set the book down before placing one of your headphones off your ear, only to realize it’s lottie matthew’s trying to get your attention. she questions you about your book but you can tell she’s not really interested—anyways, you out of everyone get an invite to some kind of party that she’s throwing on friday, invite by lottie only. you obviously agree—you’d be choosing even more social suicide if you didn’t (you’re already a loser)—with a simple yet unsure “okay” lottie nods and writes her address on your forearm, telling you 8 o’clock on the dot.

what the fuck?

2 days pre-party: vanessa palmer (she’d kill you for calling her that) and taissa turner sit at your lunch table, you don’t think you’ve ever seen one without the other following right behind (usually van following) anyways—tai mentions something about the party, and you simply answer with a “yeah, lottie invited me, i’ll be there” in which van replies with an “oh shit! i didn’t really think lottie would go through with it—you know for sh-“ tai puts her hand over vans mouth before giving a simple awkward smile and muttering a “see you there!”

weird, so fucking weird.

1 more day until the party you think to yourself in non other than english class, which by some weird coincidence you share with #6 of the WHS yellowjackets, shauna shipman. no one really likes her in this class—you don’t know why, i mean she can be abrasive and stick to her guns, but the girl knows her stuff. she’s never been rude to you. always answering anything with sincerity and kindness—why you get this honor? you have no idea. today in english class you pull out yet another jane austen book, this time it’s ‘Emma’, popping your headphones over your head and pressing play on that same spotify shuffle, you don’t even get a page in before you feel a tap on your shoulder, looking up, of course it’s her—shauna shipman, that red flannel on, those shorts—her hair tied up in that low ponytail, her bangs framing her face, her eyes—holy shit her brown eyes, you’d think she couldn’t hurt anything with those eyes—her lips, oh my god—

you’re struck out of your thoughts by her laughing and saying something like “you weren’t listening were you?” with an awkward apology you take your headphones off and set the book down “what’d you say?” you say softly, scared to have any sense of rejection from the harshness you know she’s capable of, but she proves you wrong asking about the book your reading and saying something about “The classics” whatever you’re just astonished that she’s even talking to you and it’s not yelling.

fuck you’re in deep, you think.

the day of the fated party, it’s 7:30 you’re on your way to the matthew’s estate praying and hoping that everything goes fine, even asking the saints to make some exceptions. you roll up and park in the driveway that must span at least an acre, noticing that there are more cars than just yours and the expected soccer team, and that fact alone immediately calms your nerves. 7:55; you make your way to the door and before you can even make an attempt to knock, #9 jackie taylor, opens the door not even making an attempt to look at you before she steps outside, crashing right into you. of course this would happen to you, based purely on instinct you grip onto her waist to keep both of you upright, and of course because why wouldn’t this happen to you? shauna fucking shipman is at the door as it happens—she sees you grabbing onto jackie taylor in broad daylight? nightlight? whatever nothing matters.

why the fuck does this happen to you?

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[magicalgirlagency]

Hello! Do you know any comprehensive list of magical girl webcomics? Or alternatively some that you recommend?

I'm gonna go for the ones that have caught my eye, visually and/or otherwise (in a randomized order). Hope you don't have anything to do, you'll be staying here for a while.

And I might even update it if I see something new!

Cloudy Wondrous, by Kaninchenbau;

Glitter & Guilt, by RockyBloo;

Star Warrior Cosmos Leo, by Sailorpossum;

Magical Warrior Diamond Heart, by Pyon;

Kid Chrysalis: Butterfly Warrior, by Gabriel Joy Reid;

Supersonic Girl, by Sandra Diaz (okay, this one's more superhero-y, but it follows some MG tropes, and therefore still counts!);

Stardust Slammers, by Brian Wolf;

Angel Blue, by LaurenceL;

DolceCubed, by Sunsetfork;

Pretty Heart Bouquet, by E. Hetrick Jackson;

Mistral, by Amy;

The Tale of Crystal Teresa, by RainicornDraws;

God Has Spite, by Isaac;

In Your Dreams, by Kakathain;

Miracle Sakura, by Aurora Dordain;

Heartful Masquerade, by HANNAHP0CALYPSE;

Magical Package - Lilaca, by Tsunyandere;

O Grimório Perdido, by Guibley;

Starhop, by Cuttles;

Defend!!, by Peachieevee;

Business Magical, by Pizza Paper (this one here's a novel rather than a comic, but it can be found within Tapas, so it goes here too!);

Pepper Pixie, by Soffy;

The Amazing Mirna, by TinyBabyGhost;

Sweet Little Resistance, by Peachchild;

The Good, The Bad, & The Magical Girl, by Failmonger;

Star Savior Bunny, by Kendell and Kay;

Starry Eyed, by Mahoupeach;

Eternal Guardian Kanae, by Edea;

Crossed Stars, by Nyxalwitch;

Pretty Witch!, by Max i mystic;

Foul Maiden Inez-chan!, by alchykiller;

Seasons of Avallen, by Gem.i.ni;

Celestial Princess, by Saint Bree;

Magical Girl Academe, by War Bunny;

Pokey! The Unicorn Magical Girl, by CherryRoseum;

A Magical Girl's Guide to Adulting, by Patrick McCabe;

SuperChic: Rosemary!, by CaptainHAHA;

Honey and the Moon, by Meadow;

Brownie & Barebones, by BubbiBrownie;

Lupe Mágica, by RoninYorch;

Magical Girl Grim Reaper, by Kimo_Neko;

Manual Prático da Garota Mágica, by HeitorPC;

Wimp Witch, by C. Cameron (it's even an indie animated series on YouTube and Newgrounds!);

Retired Magical Girls Support Group, by Hairballdraws;

CMYQ~n: Magical Girl Project, by Marikyuun;

High Spirits Neoma, by Oroor0;

Ghostly Tales, by Hey Izzy;

My Boyfriend is a Magical Girl?!, by IMTHEJOHKE;

Lola Magica: My Grandma is a Magical Girl, by SUPRPRETTYGENIUSMIKI;

Modern Magical Girl, by Replaythepun;

Saffron Wave, by Kellerybird;

Magical Girls in College, by Jay-Taku;

Archmage Ascending, by Magicmooshka;

A Magical Girl's Day Off, by Grant Newbold;

How I Loathe Being a Magical Girl, by Nomnomnami (unfortunately, with the end of Smackjeeves, this one has become most likely a Lost Media);

My Life as a Magical Girl, by Vickycreator1;

Magical Girl Institute, by Portia Hightower;

Magical Boy Troubles, by Red_Mend;

MAGICAL GIRLfriend, by Thisisshaetae;

Anomique: Magical Girls Must Die, by Crayaks;

Dame Daffodil, by Sakura-rose12;

Maho Shonen, by Yana & Nat;

Hover Girls, by Geneva Bowers;

Princess Love❤Pon!, by Shauna J. Grant;

Star Rangers: Magical Space Cadet Squad, by Kagura-kun;

Strawberry Seafoam and Vampire Magicka, by Bryan Golden;

SpectraSpell, by Lisa Harald;

Magical Boy Basil, by Fireside Stories;

Kakkikomi Magical Girls, by HachiwareHouse;

Magical Girl Initiative, by Ika;

Eldritch Magical Girls, by Marighoul;

Magical Mom, by Prinnstar;

Magical Boy, by The Kao;

Magikats!, by Eilie Astara;

Magical Printing: Magenta Ink, by Chicinlicin;

Agents of the Realm, by Mildred Louis;

Shattered Starlight, by Nicole Shartrand;

Mahou Josei Chimaka, by KAIJU;

Brujaha, by Acersecomic;

Mahou Shounen FIGHT!, by Scuttlebutt Ink;

Magical Girl Problems? Magical Girl Solutions!, by Veronica Agarwal.

And this is all I have so far. I wish I could tag the bloggers/creators (those who can be found here on this social, anyway), but I believe that I've exceeded the post's limit to do such a thing, lol. Plus, some of them might be even discontinued.

[r-osehips]

Yellowjackets season 2 predictions

(as of 3/18/23, just under a week before s2 begins)

it's ritual cannibalism not survival cannibalism (I feel like we're all on the same page with this one)

Lottie's cult incorporates saints/martyrs, the first two of whom are Laura Lee and Jackie

hunting is part of the ritual, perhaps inspired by the shrooms-fueled hunting of Travis last season

Jackie's necklace is used to mark whoever is chosen as the next sacrifice to hunt

Shauna joins the cult in large part because worshipping Jackie is the only thing that feels big enough to remotely match the level of guilt she feels for her death (also remember "I liked the saints. they were all so tragic.")

Nat and Travis are the only two who never, ever join the cult. hence the s1 convo where the others recall how they never would have made it without Nat; hence Travis and Nat's codependent closeness.

the coach has gotta die pretty early on in this season right?

Taissa is the one who eventually gets them rescued, probably by trying another hike out that is more successful than the wolf-attacked one in s1. this theory based entirely on the overheard line in her campaign ad where she says she wants to "lead New Jersey out of the woods." this might happen in a later season tho.

idk what's gonna happen with Shauna's baby but if it does get eaten she isn't one of the ones who eats it, because Jeff was v accepting of whatever he read in her diaries and I think that would be beyond the pale even for our favorite himbo wife guy.

adult Nat has a torrid affair with adult Lottie. this is not actually a theory but I'm putting it here anyway. #manifesting

[boneempress]

Pit girl wearing the heart necklace, Jackie giving the heart necklace to Shauna before the plane goes down, Shauna giving the heart necklace back to Jackie before she dies, Jackie not giving a fuck about Jeff but being broken by Shauna's betrayal anyways and concluding that love isn't real and dying for it, Lottie offering the bear heart up in thanks for its sacrifice, Lottie giving the necklace back to Shauna before they eat Jackie, Shauna giving everyone the okay to feast, Shauna consuming Jackie and living her life out in her stead and being haunted by her for the next 25 years, Tai and Van being their most authentic selves here in the woods in front of their friends who love them, Tai making masks for both of them as an act of love, "I <3 you", "I love you too", Van and Tai finding love and comfort in each other at the end of the world, Van seeing Taissa as a whole person and speaking to both halves of her, the Other Tai who was most connected to the wilderness seeking out Van after 25 years of dormancy, the Yellowjackets refusing to let Lottie die and laying down their lives for her because she has been the one leading them through the darkness, Shauna giving the heart necklace to Natalie because she loves her and does not want to kill her, Javi giving his life to Natalie and to all of them, Travis accepting that he must live for Javi's death to mean anything, Shauna pulling the wool over her eyes so she doesn't have to bear witness, Shauna presenting the meat to Travis first with the heart at the center, Travis eating the heart first as an act of love, Travis putting Natalie's hand over his heart to show his forgiveness and fealty, Travis and Natalie making a pact to live for Javi and for the trade that they made, Jeff seeing the brutal gruesome truth of what Shauna is capable of laid out before him and still understanding and laying down his life for hers, Misty laying her hands over Kristen's heart and still not being able to bring her back, Misty stopping the rest of them from eating her, Misty going to any lengths to protect her friends for the rest of their lives, Misty unthinkingly snorting drugs in Natalie's stead even though she knows she could've died for it, Misty being a 42 year old teenager desperate to be needed and loved, Tai being there for Shauna at the worst moments of her life, Shauna helping Tai sleep when they're 42 year old teenagers, Tai hallucinating her son being excited to see her again, Shauna stealing the van back for Mr Schwoozums, Akilah finding solace in loving something small and innocent even when it wasn't real, the girls throwing a baby shower for Shauna even while they're starving and going mad, the girls being broken by the stillbirth of the baby that they had poured all of their hopes into being able to LOVE and to care for. "Love is the only thing that matters!" "Do you BELIEVE in LOVE?" "I love you, Jackie." Coach Ben giving up on love before he even got on the plane. Lottie trying desperately to drink the poison and pull the queen card and finally make that promised sacrifice for her friends, and they won't let her. Natalie repaying Javi 25 years later by laying down her life for Lisa, who trusted her and helped her want to live again, in a split second without even thinking about it. The Queen of Hearts with her eyes scratched out, so she does not bear witness to the horrors.

Cannibalism as an act of communion, of canonization ("I love the saints - they're all so tragic"), devotion, grief, desperation, and LOVE. Cannibalism as sacrifice and as a choice to live - or to die - for one another.

[inmyhorrorsera]

Thoughts on the Yellowjackets finale:

The good:

The entire '96 timeline was almost perfect imo (needed at least one Jackie mention tho.)

Coach Ben saying FUCK THEM KIDS at the end

Nat little midsommar-ass smile when she is revered as their new Queen

Van-Lottie final interaction

Callie's interesting face at the end, she was hooked on the craziness!

I always expect great needle drops on the 96 timeline, but that Buffy Saint-Marie song on the current one? SLAPPED

The bad:

NAT DYING (I know her sacrifice made sense narratively I DONT CARE)

New Jersey police, apparently, who can get outsmarted by one single lil guy (this was BAD writing)

Tbh the entire '21 timeline :/ (too many men, some characters decisions that still made no sense, after Nat's death it got way too rushed (the season needed those 10 episodes).

Adult Travis should've been there in the plane, next to Javi

The fact that both Walter and Mustache live to see another day (Jeff's still on fucking thin ice)

The ugly:

The way the adult yellowjackets mishandled Lottie's mental illness, I know they were in the wrong, but it appears the show didn't even try to make a point about that they were wrong.

Anyway, I reeeally hope s3 is better than this one, very excited to see more of Queen Nat, jealous Teen Shauna, adult Van, both Lotties, Callie and crossing my fingers Walter and Mustache Cop die offscreen on the way to their home planet or something.

[pastelbebee-blog]

Book Review #1

You're so Bad by Angela Casella

Fake relationship to lovers.

4/5 Stars

I really enjoyed this book. Both of the main characters were enjoyable. I liked their banter and conversations, the way they acted with each other, and that they were by each other's side for a lot of the book. Shauna, the female lead, is honestly someone who I would be friends with in real life. She's cool, does monster clay art, and has an amazing grandmother who raised her and is a wonderful person. Leonard, the male lead, is sweet, trying to hide his past, and someone who seems eager to always help out. He agrees to help out Shauna by pretending to be her fake boyfriend to her ex boyfriend and ex friend's wedding. Now, the main couple were great. Not a lot of problems between them, but more from the ex best friend. The only thing I don't like in this book is the ex boyfriend and ex friend. Trash human beings. They started their affair on Shauna's birthday, got engaged, and then decided to have the wedding on her birthday the next year. Trash. Shauna is a saint and is strong for agreeing to be the maid of honor. I would never. They wouldn't even be in my life, they would be in the trash where they belong. Then near the end of the book, the ex friend wants to come and then start crying talking about how she was jealous of Shauna. Girl, nobody wants your reason for being a terrible human, leave. Anyways, other than the trash couple who did get married and will be probably be miserable at some point (if this was real life), I absolutely enjoyed this book. Would I recommend it? I would, but always got to remember that not every likes the same books.

[juniperhillpatient]

“you’re the only one who’s always been there for me. you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. you know that right?”

vs. “I don’t know where you end & I begin.”

jackie telling shauna to wear the red dress & shauna getting mad & saying no & jackie saying “fine. wear whatever you want.” vs. shauna showing up in the red dress anyway. vs. shauna often wearing jackie’s clothes after jackie dies. vs. trying so hard to become jackie & live her future but feeling trapped.

jackie likes the saints because they’re so tragic & shauna keeps porcelain rabbits in her home but kills a rabbit in her garden & feeds it to her family. shauna is the wolf & jackie is the rabbit & they are in love but in a way that can never last do you understand???

[lingeringscars]

Harper kinda gives up on the idea of rescue around Saints. At that point she's pretty much switched her language to if. If they get out. If they get rescued. If they survive. Come season two, after Laura lee and jackie, she's firmly in that we're all gonna die out here anyway mindset.

She still goes after the moose, but each loss breaks her down further and further. Deep down she does want to survive though and that guides her actions. It makes it so she doesn't step up to do anything about shauna beating lottie or to save javi despite having fond feelings for both.

[vortahoney]

Doing the Shopping- Re-Animator

@dilfsisko @bashircore this is the 5 + 1 grocery store thing!!

Herbert did not like going to the grocery store. Apparently, it was unfortunate he had to eat at all. Thankfully, he now had a boyfriend who could do it for him, and Dan was more than happy to get away from the damned lab for a while.

Sometimes he purposefully took too long. Examining each product and making long conversation with anyone who would listen.

As he went along, he was looking for which register worker he would most like to talk to. He settled on a woman with dark brown skin, what looked like a tool belt under her store-issued vest, and a nametag that read ‘Amaya’.

“Good afternoon,” he gave a small greeting. “How are you?”

“Can’t complain.” Amaya shrugged.

“I couldn’t tell you the last time I left the house.”

“Been busy?”

“Ohh yeah. My um, partner-“ there was a snap of relief in Dan’s chest as he saw her excited reaction. “He doesn’t like doing the shopping. So I get stuck with it.”

“My girlfriend.” She put extra emphasis on the word. “Is the same way.”

“Well, my guy, Herb,” Dan continued, smiling widely with relief, as she rung up his canned peaches. “Well. He’s very passionate about his… work. He gets this look in his eye, real bright-like.”

“He sounds like quite the guy.”

“Oh he is, barely sleeps though.” He chuckled. “Oh um, I’ve got a coupon for that.”

She took it. “So what’s he do?”

“Hm?” He looked up as he put his grocery bags back in his cart.

“Your boyfriend. You said he’s passionate about his work. What is it?”

“Oh! He’s a doctor, kinda.” Dan smiled before leaving.

***

“Peaches again?” Amaya raised an eyebrow at Dan’s cart, which had a good twelve cans of peaches.

“Herbert’s been getting really into peaches.”

“Sounds um… obsessive.”

Dan laughed. “Oh yeah. He certainly can be. He’s in his lab right now, has been for awhile. He’s hell bent on his ‘experiments’. That’s how we met, actually.”

“Oh, you’re a doctor too?”

“Yeah, kinda.” Dan shrugged. “How’s Shauna?”

“She’s good. Just got a job at a sunglasses kiosk in Boston.”

“Pretty long drive.”

“Yeah. I guess it is.” She finished scanning the peaches. “Wait what does ‘kinda’ mean? Are you not a doctor?”

“You do not want to know, Amaya.”

“Alright,” she chuckled. “No further questions.”

***

Over the next few weeks, Dan went grocery shopping five times. Each time, Dan and Amaya grew ever closer. They always had new gossip for each other, about their partners or not. Dan talked about his books and his med school experience, Amaya talked about her job and law school applications. It was a great relationship.

“Amaya!”

“What’s the situation, Daniel?” She smiled. “Oh, no peaches today!”

“I got tired of them. We’re doing soup now. More variety there. Herb slept in his glasses last night.”

“They broken?”

“Just bent a bit. They’re all crooked now, it’s adorable.” Dan got out his wallet. “He slept at his desk over his notes.”

“Do you want me to help bring those out to your car?”

“Sure!”

Amaya grabbed a few bags. “So how was that book?”

“Hm?” Dan looked over at her.

“Oh, first time you came in. You bought a book called ‘The Saint’s Perversion’ from the newsstand.”

“Oh, didn’t finish it. It was erotica.”

Chortling, Amaya’s face scrunched up. “Did you expect it not to be?? It’s called ‘The Saint’s Perversion’, dude!”

He opened the trunk. A small green glint caught Amaya’s eye as she placed the bags in the car. Investigating slightly further, she noticed it was a syringe full of something glowing and green. “Hey, what is tha—“

Dan slammed the trunk closed. “Nothing! I gotta get back, good talking to you!”

“Alright! Tell Herb I said hi.”

“Tell Shauna the same!”

“Will do!”

***

Dan was unusually quiet in the checkout line, save for the small, angry murmurs to himself.

“So,” Amaya spoke up. “How’s Herbert?”

He gave a harsh laugh. “Busy as ever. Spending every day in that damn lab cooking up his…” he stopped before he could say ‘monstrosities’.

“I’m guessing you’re not on great terms?”

“No, we’re fighting. Again.”

“Again?”

“We fight more often than not these days.” He sighed, practically slamming his gallon of milk down on the counter. “He’s always working or yelling at something. The sex is… basically nonexistent. No, no, completely nonexistent. He’s too busy working. I’m too busy helping him! I told him today that I’m done with his sick power games and that I can either be his lab partner or his romantic one.”

“Why are you still with him?”

“I…” he paused. “I don’t know.”

***

Dan came in the next day, nothing but a pack of batteries in his hand. “Amaya!”

She leaned over her register. “You seem chipper. Get over your fight?”

“Sorta.” Dan smiled and looked down, bouncing on his heels. “You asked me yesterday why I’m still with him.”

“I did indeed.” She rested her chin on her palm. “I sense you’re going somewhere with this.”

“Well, I can agree that he’s a difficult person. Difficult to work with, difficult to talk to, difficult to love… sometimes.” Dan’s face softened and he wrung his hands together. “But sometimes… it’ll be late at night, I’ll be staring at the ceiling, and he’ll have been working for… forty eight hours straight. And he’ll crawl under the sheets and curl into my side.”

“Awww.”

“He doesn’t really sleep. Ever. So it’s more for my benefit than his. But he does get bored easily, and he does this cute little thing where he traces circles on my chest. Or- or I’ll ask him a question about his work and he’ll just light up. Or when there’s an accident in the lab and the first thing he’ll do is make sure I’m okay. He cares about me, and… I think the world would be a worse place without him.”

Lightly smacking Dan’s shoulder, Amaya let out a small laugh. “Dan!! That was so cute!”

“You think?”

“Why are you telling me?!” Her voice was a squeak at this point. “Why aren’t you saying this stuff to your boyfriend?”

“I’m going to!”

“Did you really need the batteries?”

“Maybe not exactly…”

Amaya snorted. “Dude.”

“I wanted to make sure it was okay!!”

“It’s more than okay.” She squeezed his shoulder. “You should bring him around sometime.”

“If I can get him out of the house.”

***

Something was strange about the next store visit. A man was on Dan’s arm, a shorter man with big glasses and dark brown hair. Scowling, his arms crossed, he looked like he did not want to be there.

“Hey,” Amaya nudged her coworker. “Be, do you mind taking my register? I’m gonna make some rounds.”

She nodded. “You got fifteen minutes, I get out at four today.”

“I’ll be right back!” Amaya hurried off, waving at her. “Promise!”

She jogged up behind Dan. “Hey you two.”

“Hey, Amaya!”

“Yes, hello.”

“So, you must be the famous Herbert, then.” Amaya stuck out her hand to shake.

He did not take it. “Unfortunately, not yet. You may be confusing me with a different, more famous Herbert.”

“No, I just mean that Dan talks about you a lot. You and your work?”

“The work?” The man glared at him. “What have you—“

“Nothing specific, dearest.”

“You know I loathe when you call me that.” The blush on his cheeks betrayed his statement.

‘This is Herbert?’ Amaya thought to herself.

“Amaya, you aren’t at the register today?”

“Nah, I’m a ‘can I help you?’ right now.”

As they were talking, the man started drawing small, impatient circles on Dan’s bicep. Definitely Herbert.

“How’s the work been going?”

Herbert perked up, eyes brightening. “Fantastically. Our specimens have been responding excellently to the— um, the prototype.”

“I see what you meant, Dan. He is passionate.”

“This work is important.” Herbert frowned.

“I bet. Anyway, anything I can help you guys with?”

Dan shook his head.

“Well I’ll leave you lovebirds alone. Nice to meet you, Herb, I see why Dan likes you so much.”

“Likes… me?”

Dan gave a small, breathy chuckle. “Well, tell Shauna I said hi.”

“Will do!” She waved at them as she jogged back to her register.

So that was Herbert.

[romancevsreality-blog]

the bachelorette, season fourteen, episode four: welcome to heteronormative summer camp!

This season is a car wreck, and not the good kind.

I know, I know. “Amanda, is there ever a good car wreck?” I don’t know, ask Holly Hunter and James Spader in Cronenberg Crash how they feel about that1. Ask insurance companies! They would know!

No, this season is a car wreck because not only are the men absolutely wretched - who would have thought we could get worse than the combination of Chad, Chase, Robb(ie) and Dean - but Becca is basically a nonfactor, and production DGAF about spoilers and the casting of literal sex offenders. This has all resulted in some of the most boring television I have ever had the displeasure of viewing.

But alas, I do it for y’all.

The episode opens up right before the third cocktail party, and those without roses are terrified. David / Chicken Man literally fell out of a bunk bed because this show has so many similarities to summer camp. Speaking of, Clay, who is a professional football player, hurt his wrist so badly he had to leave the show. This is the most fucked up summer camp ever, and we haven’t even gotten to Paradise yet.

Ugh. Paradise. Remember back when Paradise was the best part of my summer2?

Star of the Floptastic Fantastic Four, Miles Teller, takes Becca aside to make her feel better after Clay’s departure. And that conversation means talking about the number of kids you want! That’s totally how I relax. Blake wants 3-5 kids, which Becca reacts the same way I do - COMPLETE AND UTTER HORROR. Men always want a bunch of fuckin’ kids because they don’t have to do the work. They don’t have a parasite that feeds on your nutrients for nine months, then you EXPEL that parasite from your body and you’re expected to take care of that parasite for the rest of your lifetime, including using your body to feed them for a while afterwards. Like, it’s a vagina - not a clown car. I fully intend to approach pregnancy as “That Really Cool Thing I Only Want To Do Once, Maybe Twice, Just For The Shits And Gigs of It All.” I can’t wait for my kids to read this blog.

Becca wants to name her daughter “Stevie”, which… I’m not even going to get started on that one. No, wait, I’m going to. I am totally pro-gender neutral names3, but STEVIE? Stevie. You are robbing your child of an adult name if you name them Stevie. No one trusts a 45 year old named Stevie. They both also agree with “Charlie”, which is cute as a shortened version of Charles or Charlotte. I am not calling anyone named Charlie Charlie after the age of 23. Charlie is a fuckboy4. They make out after baby talk, which is not what it sounds like.

Jordan is relishing in David falling out of his bed, and Jordan believes that God willed David’s hospital visit into the universe. Is this what I sound like when I talk about willing shit into existence? I’m going to stop ASAP. Anyway, Jordan, despite being happy David is gone, doesn’t even think it matters - he can woo Becca in 5 minutes as well as he can in 30. Premature ejaculation is common in the Haus of Jordan. He goes off on some nonsense about wearing a tie but not wearing a tie so Becca can get a read on him?

Jordan is doing some Nathaniel Hawthorne-esque symbolism through sartorial choices and I would watch an entire series of Jordan trying to tell women how he feels about them using his clothes rather than his words. Becca presents Jordan with a pair of golden lame hot pants, and Jordan takes that as being the Golden Boy and that Becca clearly thinks his junk is gold. Seriously. Someone greenlight this series.

David comes back while this is occurring, and he looks a fucking wreck. Black eye, nose all banged up - David done fucked himself right up. Jordan acts like David can do anything about the way he looks with his broken nose. Becca does her due diligence and takes him aside, and she tells him how handsome he looks. Becca, you’re trying it. David schmoozes the FUCK out of Becca about how happy he is to be back and how this hurt more to leave her than him. Jordan, still banking on his looks and his looks alone, is completely focused on how terrible David looks. Jordan’s confident he’s getting a rose tonight and David will get sent home simply because of what he looks like.

Jordan is such a delusional monster, but he’s literally not even the worst person there.

Becca, being a saint, offers David a rose because there’s no way David can stand through a 4-6 hour Rose Ceremony.I feel like this is the one form of compassion we’re going to see from these people this season. David relishes in the fact that he gets to show off his bruised face AND his rose to Jordan, and skips off to bed.

And then, David goes, “Hey Jordan, what’s up?” and Jordan is so butt hurt about it.

We head into the Rose Ceremony. Chris, Colton, and David already have roses, so they don’t have to worry about a damn thing.

Jason / Andrew Keegan, Wills, Nick, Christon, Lincoln (BOOOOOOOOOO), Blake, Garrett, Leo, Venmo John, Connor (I think?), Jordan, and Jean Blanc Ralphio are all recipients of this week’s roses.

Bye, Mystery Hottie Ryan and Man Bun Mike. We literally never knew anything about you guys.

Oh, and we’re going to a winter wonderland. We’re off to Park City, Utah4! I wonder if they’re going to leave the country after Lincoln’s eliminated because they can’t travel with a felon!

Someone at the styling team really hates Becca because they put her in a bright red puffer jacket that must have been taken from the set of A Christmas Story: The Musical, LIVE! from last December. Hopefully that’s the closest Pasek and Paul make it to this disaster of a show, but knowing ABC, they’ll find a way. We learn that Garrett, who I hate, gets the one-on-one date.

Assuming they filmed this in February/March, making Garrett and Becca walk the streets of Park City could be considered cruel and unusual punishment. It definitely looks like one of those days that you think it’s warm because of the sun, but a breeze comes through and you think you’ve been slapped in the face. I don’t miss the cold. Becca brings Garrett to a an alpaca shop, which is not what I expected to be. Less alpacas, more sweaters. Becca sees her dad in Garrett, and honestly, this girl got her heart broken on national TV and doesn’t have a dad and clearly is going to look like that in a person.

And then we learn that Lincoln is a flat earther.

Okay, so Lincoln is:

Slimy

Rumored to have issues pooping in public

An actual convicted sexual assaulter

A FUCKING FLAT EARTHER?

AND HE’S BLACK???????????????

I hate being like “Man, this guy is making it look bad for everyone”, but I feel like if my friend Rae, who is also a Nigerian-American, heard any of this stuff about Lincoln, she would find him and chop his head off. He is making Nigerians look bad, and this is after Jackie Aina falsely accused another YouTuber of international bank fraud. Lincoln is worse than accusing someone of international bank fraud.

All the men are looking at him like he’s bonkers. He literally cannot fathom the idea of friction, gravity, or astrophysics. He invites an astrophysicist, the primary viewing group of The Bachelorette, to discuss it over hot chocolate.

I don’t even want to acknowledge Lincoln as a person anymore. Is he gone yet?

Back at the house, we hear Venmo John speak for the first time all season, and it turns out he has a weird voice. Is that mean? He’s talking with Jean Blanc Ralphio, who basically is this season’s anxiety bomb - he just needs to take a deep breath and chill out.

Garrett and Becca take a ski slope up to the top of a bobsledding track, and honestly, I really wish that they had just superimposed footage from Cool Runnings over this entire scene. We meet Shauna Rohbok and Valerie Fleming, who are silver medalists at the US Bobsled team, who also happen to be married to each other. My favorite part is Garrett putting two and two together than these two women are married to each other and that lesbianism isn’t a thing pornography made up and pretending to be super cool with that5.

Cue bobsledding montage.

Becca and Garrett sit down to “dinner”, and Becca immediately compares him to her dad. Garrett’s like “thanks dawg,” and then Becca’s like “okay, time to talk about your former relationships! Time to unveil your deepest personal traumas to me, this camera crew, and the rest of America!” Of course Garrett got married and divorced young - less than three years from dating to divorce, god damn - and he thinks it was to the Wrong Person. She was emotionally abusive and isolated him from the rest of his family, and he was the first member of his family to get divorced so he has Baggage. I mean, I still hate him. But that’s still unfortunate. Garrett reaffirms he’s there For Becca and he wants it to work for them, and that gets him a rose, and a dance in front of a band and a live audience. Again, do we ever hear from these bands again? Or the audience members, at that?

Back at the house, there’s a....

DATE CAAAAAAARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jordan, Chris, Star of War Dogs Miles Teller, Nick, John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor (I Think?), Christon, Colton, and Jean Blanc Ralphio are on the date card, which means My Boyfriend Wills is going on the other one-on-one date this week. And a ton of the dudes in the room are P I S S E D about that.

The guys all go to join Becca, who is wearing her best Lumberjack Chic outfit in a wheat field that’s somehow not covered in snow. Are they sure this is really Utah? They’re literally having a lumberjack bash, because… this show has a budget of $15 an episode, and they spent half of it on bobsledding lessons. They are literally going to throw axes and chop wood, because heteronormative activities on an arbitrary scale of masculinity is a great way to measure a man’s ability to be a good husband. Jean Blanc Ralphio, Frat Fink6 and He Who Shall Not Be Named are both disasters at chopping wood. I literally cannot be bothered to write anything positive about this because I do not understand the POINT. At some point the guys are literally lifting and pushing over logs?

This would never work for me. The guys, to make things worse, are split into teams to do a relay for Becca’s heart. There’s a ton of “separating the men from boys” things going on, and I thought that was determined by age and maturity, not by… being able to climb a 30 foot tall log. Maybe that’s just me? The final competition boils down to Venmo John vs Star of the Divergent Series, Miles Teller, and in a shocking twist, Venmo comes in first, and he gets a golden axe7.

If they wanted a date where the men wore plaid, I would much rather have all of them do their best Kurt Cobain impressions in a “grunge themed” group date. I had a much more insensitive punchline to that joke, so I’m just going to leave it at that for now.

It’s time for the After-After-After-After-After Party, and the first person to take Becca aside is Jason / Andrew Keegan, and basically he just talks about how nice it was to see Becca having fun. That’s it. He’s nervous because he cares about Becca so he’s finding it hard to be aloof, and agrees to just embrace that. Okay.

Is Jason working on me? Oh my god. He sounds genuine when he says this. NOOOOOOO, DO NOT LET ME FALL FOR ANDREW KEEGAN’S CULT!!!8 Colton tells Becca he’s been in love before, and this dude is a virgin who’s been in love? What the fuck? Jordan is wearing the hot pants Becca gave him under his clothes, and honestly, Aaron Samuels wishes. He takes off his pants to show her and kiss Becca, and she literally tells him she can’t take him seriously before sashaying away to the other men on the couch.

Jesus, Jordan is annoying. Colton and Frat Fink are irritated especially, and is the next to join the Jordan is Not Here for the Right Reasons camp. They think his behavior is disrespectful, and Colton wants his shenanigans to be over. Jordan asks if Colton thinks Jordan should be tired of all these men taking him aside to talk to him, and Colton’s like “yeah… because you’re annoying, dude.” He calls Jordan a motherfucker, a clown, all kinds of things. Colton calls himself “One of the Good Guys”, something I can certifiably say is unlikely to be true. Jordan is harmless and Becca clearly doesn’t see him as a real option, so this is all unnecessary.

Jean Blanc Ralphio takes Becca side to present her with a perfume, and it is at this moment that I realize his FIRST AND LAST NAME is Jean Blanc. This entire time I thought Jean Blanc was his first and middle name and I let out an entirely involuntary “THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.” at my office. The perfume is called “Miss Becca Blanc,” which is so weird. We don’t even find out what it smells like before Jean Blanc Ralphio tries to exchange the perfume for a kiss, which Becca is not about. She can smell something unpleasant in the air, and it’s not JBR’s cologne - it’s Desperation, by Calvin Klein. At this time, Leo comes in to interrupt9 and that basically starts Jean Blanc Ralphio on a shame spiral. He wants to turn that frown upside dizity, but he doesn’t know how.

He decides to take life by the balls and interrupt Lincoln’s time with Becca. He wants to affirm how he feels about Becca, and tells her that he’s falling in love with her.

Basically, this is Jean Blanc Ralphio:

Becca’s response:

Me, at home:

Also Me:

Becca doesn’t know anything about this person, or what brought on these feelings so quickly, but Becca is overwhelmed. Not just whelmed. She’s not even close to the same page, they’re in separate chapters. It may feel like it’s been a year, but it’s the fourth episode, Jean Blanc Ralphio. You feel NOTHING except a mild erection, and Becca’s allowed to not want you there anymore because she thinks your feelings are deeper than hers and she doesn’t know if she can get there with you. Becca asks if she can walk him out.

Jean Blanc Ralphio asks about his gift on his way out, and Becca offers to give it back. Uh, Becca? It was a gift. Likely it’s water with food coloring in it and a Microsoft Word label, he doesn’t need it back. And that’s when Jean Blanc Ralphio digs his grave.

Basically, Jean Ralphio expected to give Becca a gift and that would get her so aroused and turned on that she would fall madly in love with him straight away, and confessing his love to her was simply a tactic, not his actual sentiment. He fully admits to basically saying that because he wanted to stay there and because he thought that’s what she wanted from him. Uh, this girl just had her heart shattered on national TV from a dude’s insincerity, it’s the exact OPPOSITE of what she wants right now. Becca is so mad and basically shoves him out the door. Becca goes to talk to the other dudes in pure anger, and cancels the rest of the night. No one’s getting the group date rose.

The next day, My Boyfriend Wills has been prepped with the knowledge that Becca had a hard night the night before. Everyone saw Becca’s genuine, real anger the night before, and they have all realized Rebecca ain’t no one to fuck with. Becca’s an emotional mess from the night before still, and she feels weird.

Probably because you haven’t dealt with having your heart broken on national television, Rebecca.

My Boyfriend Wills approaches Becca in the snow, and he gives her a huge hug. They both talk about not wanting to talk about what happened the previous night, so of course that’s going to be the main focus on the evening. They’re going to go on snowmobiles so they don’t have to talk about anything, and Becca has a wonky eyelash. They have a snowball fight, My Boyfriend Wills has an ASMR voice, and it’s all pretty wonderful. They go to dinner, and Wills reveals that his Deep Romantic Trauma is from his ex-girlfriend wanting to open up their relationship and him not being game for that. He refers to this as a “Hall Pass”, which implies that it’s less wanting Openness, but her looking for an excuse to cheat. But Wills isn’t afraid of commitment whatsoever, he’s afraid of not being Enough.

Oh, Wills. I get that.

But that honesty and respect for Becca gets Wills a rose. Yas, My Boyfriend Wills.

Back at the house, the dudes who got fucked over by Jean Blanc’s fuckery cutting the group date short - Nick and Connor (I think?) - and Chris Harrison comes by for five seconds to reveal that Becca knows her choices and there isn’t going to be a cocktail party that evening, it’s going straight to the Rose Ceremony. Nick and Connor (I think?) are upset and fucked up about this.

Becca:

It’s time for the Rose Ceremony.

Leo, Colton, Blake, Jason, Connor (I think?), He Who Shall Not Be Named, John, Frat Fink, David, and Jordan get roses. Bye Nick, Bye Christon10. Jordan is shook he’s in last place, even though he’s been there before.11

Oh, and we’re off to Vegas!

Next Week: Tons of Vegas references! The Bellagio fountain! Becca is feeling amazing! Frat Fink is this guy’s “what about my attention? I’m better than these guys!” And David vs. Jordan in the desert for my favorite part of the season - the two-on-one.

See you then!

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

I’m so mad my hottie mystery banjo boyfriend is a MAGAhead, I cannot.

Oh my god, not only is Jordan’s identity Being Ridiculously Good-Looking, he also feels the need to bring up his crotch enough that I’m genuinely worried he might really be a Ken Doll down there.

The only good part of this week’s group date was the butts. Oh my god, the butts.

Seriously, was this season lit with the Benjamin Franklin’s lightbulb?

Okay, but god BLESS Jean Blanc Ralphio for having a name but also providing me with the opportunity to look at a bunch of gifs of  my Future Husband Ben Schwartz for this recap. #soloboloforevolo

I love that My Boyfriend Wills has a sweatshirt with his name on it.

Has the Rose Ceremony order always had the implication of favor? I didn’t know it was an official ranking of where you are to the lead.

Super Telling Of How Terrible This Season Is: this episode didn’t get a “funny behind the scenes moment featuring the guys while the credits roll” scene.

Or if you’re my mother, ask James Spader in general - she has this weird theory he’s a weirdo and it’s my favorite thing. Like, she cannot deduce whether he’s a weird person or he’s really, really good at playing weird characters. I love his sliminess. ↩︎

Now it’s Claws. Are you watching Claws? You should be fucking watching Claws, god damn it. It's on Hulu! Get on it! ↩︎

Hi Jordan! ↩︎

Fun Fact: for years, I thought Park City was named because they had an Olympic Park there. Text STOP to stop useless facts about my life! ↩︎ ↩︎

My other favorite part? Shauna Rohbok is a lesbian Mormon. ↩︎

My friends call Chris Rat Fink, but I think Frat Fink is an even better variation because he totally was the gross frat guy in college. ↩︎

Something tells me Jordan is having a conniption somewhere. ↩︎

Then again, it would be the biggest compliment to be hot enough to be offered a spot in this cult. ↩︎

He is so shrouded in darkness and his hair I literally had to guess based on a floral print and a voice who this is. It could have been anyone. ↩︎

God, I hope Christon makes it into paradise and they bring back Scallop Fingers / Christen / Krysten / Kiersten and we get their names confused. ↩︎

He also compares himself to a sponge, and Monet X Change would like a FUCKING WORD. ↩︎

[jordan102791]

Pixie Love Note part 3

Wulf stretched out across the cold other half of the bed and groaned. It had been a long, while pleasurable night, but he knew he had to get up and get a shower. Then he needed to get dressed and toss the rest of his stuff in a bag before meeting the guys to eat and getting back on the bus. He rolled out of the crisp white sheets tangled around his hips and headed for the bathroom to get started.

*****

Tossing the last things into his bag, there was a rapping at his door. He could guess fair certainty who it would possibly be. Jogging to open the door, he found Gage, Pete and Tyler waiting in the doorway. Charlie undoubtedly had spent the night with Maggie and was getting the two of them loaded back on the bus before going to eat and hitting the road. They talk about rockstars like they're all slags, but Wulf had never seen anyone as in love as he'd seen Mags and Charlie. If he was really being honest with himself, he found himself watching them in wonder sometimes. He wondered what it would be like to love someone so much it hurt to breathe when they weren't with you.

"Oy, didn't you bring a girl back last night," Tyler asked right out the gate.

"Yea, why?"

"Well where is she?" He looked up from the contents of his bag to see the other two looking around for something, while Tyler met his level gaze.

"Yea, she was kinda cute," Gage said with a suggestive eyebrow raise.

"Not my cup of tea, but she was good looking," Pete chimed in.

"How could she not be your 'cup of tea'? You'd bang anything that moves," Wulf quipped.

"I didn't say I wouldn't fuck her, I just wouldn't take her home to meet my mom."

"Like you'd take anyone to meet your mom," Gage threw in.

"True."

"Anyways, where is she? Need any help running her off," Tyler asked. All the guys, except maybe Charlie had met an overzealous fan or two that refused to leave the next morning. And it was up to the others to help get rid of them.

"Nope. She's gone." He wasn't sure why, but he felt that small pang again that said he was disappointed she left without a goodbye.

"Gone? Run her off already, or did your morning breath take care of it for you," Gage asked.

"Neither, she was gone when I woke up."

"Wait. She left? On her own," Tyler asked, his eyebrows creeping high up his forehead in surprise.

"Damn, must be losing your touch man," said Pete.

Wulf rolled his eyes and heaved a loud sigh as he hoisted his duffle over his shoulder and grabbed his jacket from the chair. "Whatever, let's go. I can't seem to find my room key though."

It's fine, you don't need to return it. As long as you have all your stuff, you should be good. Besides the maids will probably find it when they clean up later," Tyler replied.

*****

Piper slide her fingers over the smooth flat surface, before scraping gently against the plastic where the card had been punched out. Rubbing her hands across it reminded her of the strong hands that had rubbed her down the night before and on into the early hours of the morning, tipping her lips in a small smile at the memories. And they were certainly memories she wanted to hold onto for a while. She fiddled with the key card in her jacket pocket as she walked up the porch steps to her mother's house.

Her mother was a saint and without her she never could have done the rest and relaxation nights she got every once in a while to recharge her batteries. And her mother got to spend more time with Piper's two daughters at these sleep overs. The girls loved it and Piper got a much needed break from all the stresses of the world for a night. Piper opened the screen door and greeted an empty hallway before her.

"Mommy!" Piper heard a little girl's voice that could only belong to her five year old, Talia. She heard other quieter voices that she knew must belong to her mom and the eight year old Lana. She'd barely made it three steps down the hallway when Talia popped her head around the corner and took a running leap into Piper's arms. Lana and her mother followed closely behind to fill out the hug.

"So how was the concert," her mother asked.

"It was fantastic, they played some of the old songs from when we were kids and it really took me back. I wish Shauna could've come with me, but it was still great. I got to talk to Jason Wulfson backstage afterwards too. We talked music and it was pretty insightful. If I didn't feel close to the music before I certainly do now," Piper said with a fond smile on her face.

"Mama, can we go with you next time too," Lana asked.

"Sweetie, this was very grown up music, but ya know what, I promise we'll go see a concert together soon. All right?" The girl's smile was all Piper needed to ensure she'd make it happen. Maybe Shauna or her mom would join them too depending on what she could find available. She did miss getting to go do fun things with them so often, but a mother's job is never done.

*****

"So how was it," Shauna asked excitedly. She'd been just as big a fan of the Pixie Fighters growing up as Piper had. And if she hadn't had a mandatory all hands on deck incident at the office, would have probably been right by Piper's side. It was late and Piper was exhausted for not sleeping more than an hour the night before. Though she admitted to herself it had been totally worth it. But she had promised a recap for her best friend, since she couldn't make it. Piper gave a yawn and went into the details of the concert.

"And you went backstage, right?"

"Yep. Even talked to Jason Wulfson."

Piper was sure she had lost some hearing in the ear pressed to the phone when Shauna began squealing. "Oh my god! How was it? Is he still as gorgeous up close?"

"Oh yea. Definitely still hot as hell."

"I don't even like long hair, but I would totally make an exception for that boy."

"Same. In fact... I may have... Kind of... Made an exception last night."

"Does that mean what I think it means?"

"Well I can't read your mind, but I think probably." Piper pulled the phone away from her just in time to miss the brunt of another ear shattering scream.

"Oh my god! How was it? You have to give me all the details. Best friend code and such and yadda yadda." With that, Piper went through every juicy detail from the elevator to the last romp early early that morning. "Was it as magical as it sounds?"

"I don't know if magical is really the right word here, but head spinning certainly fits."

"My little girl is growing up so fast."

"Oh whatever, I'm the one with the two kids here," Piper chuckled at her friend.

"Yes, but how often do you really go out and get laid? Let alone, by my forever crush, Wulf."

"I go out sometimes. It's just hard, you know that. Guys our age are starting to try and settle down and all I'm looking for is a little bit of play every once in a while. It's just easier to be alone sometimes than deal with someone pushing for a commitment from me."

"Yea I know. Have you thought anymore about maybe doing the relationship thing again? I mean it's been three years."

"No, I... I don't want that. I'm better off alone."

"All right, but maybe one day you'll meet a great guy... or gal if you've decided to switch hit," Shauna said in a voice heavy with humor. "And it might change things. I just don't want you to ignore it because you put your blinders on."

"Yea I know, but for now at least it's not in the cards. I had love once, who am I to steal away someone else's chance."

"Sugar, you know that's not how that works at all, right? Just because someone could go off and give their love to someone else doesn't necessarily mean they would."

"Yea, I probably know that better than anyone. Anyways, I'm worn out and need to head to sleep. I just wanted to call and tell you about last night."

"As you should. Well goodnight love, and at least think about what I said. You have so much love in you. It's a shame for it to get wasted."

"Yea thanks. Goodnight hun." She barely hung up the phone before she passed out sprawled across the bed atop the sheets.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Peru had the same problem as Albuquerque

But they fought back and lost only 10 people. Lucas will bring them home now.

The problem with last night is using qE2 system and New Mexico being evil is they switched out the maps. So i was on my phone and it cut me off the internet. So i knew they were doing something.

They're usually lazy cowards so i didn't expect that. When looking at Shaunas she kept asking if someone was knocking and Uncle Donald looked but nothing showed up

So they had switched the satellite maps at the international space station to take out their GPS and leave everyone else.

Well just so happens I actually do notice people getting shot. When they say "i got shot"

I got tired of pulling bullets from Derek so,i just stood in front of him until our guys got there and he played dead.

Always play dead. That's my number one in mass shootings. I guess that they didn't know that because they been in human trafficking and aren't used to mass shootings cause that wasn't really a concern in the 80s. But yeah. Next time hide and play dead. Because it was an ongoing issue I couldn't type it because they would just look for you and the military was there to kill the evil. So.

10 years ago Albuquerque was much safer. So i had the auto missle run to skip all squared off deep pockets and all round deep pockets all manmade looking shit including mines.

So then we second sweep and the ones that the the i call it a laser although its not, the satellite scan recognizes how people disappear so then it will leave the missle to allow those deep pockets to still show on a list. Anyway it's some other galaxy shit I don't really remember too much of. Thr satellite and missle work independently and codependent. William designed that part so Idk i just know it works

And then some of us were afraid i might be evil. So that is why it's still skipping New Mexico. Well.. He asked ... He said you're fine now but you think you might turn evil to,get off this planet? And i said may be. Cause Idk and I didn't know can you kill billions of people and not be considered evil? Even of they were evil because you can help them change to be better people. So I really didn't even know if i wasn't evil.

I hadn't healed any one in Well over 20 years, including myself and was using the very same waters qE2 was to heal myself. So yeah I wasn't feeling like a saint at all!!

So we skipped the entire state and then locked out the missle in certain areas because William did believe in my saintness. And knew y'all would need me. So he wanted to protect from a quick and swift exit from me. Matt drew up the missle plans and William told him how And I drew up some of it as well.

Because Matt didn't trust I would stay. Or JJJR and they all had taken a secret vote with 14 people to skip shooting me.

I said it represented 1 of each of the 13 original colonized states and an extra so it was fine.

Last night helped Peru because they did have that issue with out being locked down.

So any and all dead will return 2 days before Christmas at one of the most romantic places on Earth. They will meet and have their last thoughts and little party together. Then Christmas they will all return to their homes of loved ones.

Some have been dead centuries so they need to find each other and talk and decide where to live.

Obviously if we are eradicating evil and clones now they won't be able to come back. And William changed his vote to not skipping Oklahoma. And everyone else did as well Because they believed if I went back i wouldn't leave.

So now Chinnooks will use sonic waves to blast down all deep bunkers. They can go to, the core with the correct speed and repetitive of shooting to eradicate the evil in.

There's only 3 handfuls left and I heard from a guy in a round one that has issues. So the military is there now.

I was right about New Mexico being the last. It was the last in the United States...

So Albuquerque is on lock down. We had already gotten most kidnappers we knew of in Albuquerque and rapist last week. But not all have admitted or been caught.

So all but one GPS have been flushed from New Mexico. 2 in Oklahoma. And the sewers are all lit up. Unfortunately so are septic tanks but don't worry. The satellite they accessed got disabled for their access.

My phone has super security but they can sometimes access the internet.

I know the military lets some y'all look at my screen but its a different system and its only a peek a boo system. They can't access anything. Then after any hack attempt I get updates. I downloaded a new game last night because I was bored and needed something mindless to do. Because I can't watch tv but I need to do something with my hands. So thats how they scrapped my internet to limited activity.

So it was unknown what was going on. But we saved everyone and Lucas is working on Peru.

They're saying since i found my sister they assume i found all my kids.

Well sorry but you're killing my friends. I saw at least 3 dead.

Just because you think you know me doesn't mean you do. Just because ive had amnesia doesn't mean i won't remember. And the eQ2 put the closest to Me closest to me which was obviously NYC because she noticed that she thinks I had most power there and to tap my power she would need me to have the most powerful near me, duh.

And some of her minions are jealous she put me on a pedestal when they did all the work and I did nothing.

I did a lot to trick and deceive her. Sorry you just wanted to suck her teat. Because I succeeded at my goal to cut it off.

Abu is picking on me.

Alrighty so that's that.

This morning where I had been shot and the bullet came out was full of dead smelling pus and dark maroon blood. And it hasn't been a problem for several weeks although where it went in has been swollen and sore although shrinking in size...,

I am bullet proof unlike most humans but qE2 wanted to know i was so she could kill me, unlike the Chinese so for that day I was able to be shot in unimportant areas .... Like the torso i used a pillow over me to disguise i couldn't be shot. Then it was altered by another galaxy to make it bulletproof, the blanket and pillow and cup and clothes and all I had used.

So I know that shit hurts and I know it sucks.

I feel like I'm sitting on a fresh one, myself.

But there's a time thing today after 12 hours all left in bullets will auto remove safely.

[sommeliercourses]

Bless You, For You Hath Zin’d (ZinEx 2019 Highlights)

MS, MW, friend of 1WD, and exceptionally cool wine geek Doug Frost is not a man to mince words. As a media guest recently for the 2019 incarnation of Zinfandel Experience in San Francisco, I managed to catch up briefly with Doug, who had this to say regarding Zinfandel continuously being cited as the quintessential American grape variety:

“That’s utter bullshit.”

This is, of course, because Zinfandel is actually of Croatian origin, where it sometimes goes by the name of Tribidrag (which might also be the name of a character from The Silmarillion… I’m not sure). In the shorter-term history of American fine wine, however, Zinfandel does have deeper roots than most other grapes, Croatian or otherwise. As Frost put it, “back in 1961, Sonoma’s principal grape was Zin.”

The wonderful Walkabout chaos of ZinEx 2019

ZinEx, for me, consisted of several tastings, both media-only and open to the public, though I find the former a lot easier to digest than the latter (I’m not exactly a large guy, so it’s not easy to signal my way to a spit bucket with a mouthful of high-octane red wine in a crowded room). The minor suffering was worth it, of course, as ZinEx was chock full of excellent examples of the surprising versatility of California’s adopted Croat wonder-boy grape.

Following are highlights from my ZinEx encounters (skipping badges, because there are just too many recommendations, 90% of which would just be tagged “Kick-Ass” anyway)…

NV Rock Wall Sparkling Zinfandel (Lake County, $40)

Let’s just kick things off the right way – with something bubbly, and something totally unexpected. What the actual f*ck is this doing here, all earthy and bright and exciting and turning our expectations of burly Zin firmly on its ear? As Rock Wall winemaker Shauna Rosenblum perfectly described this to me: “It’s like one of those barrel-aged [beer] sours, but without the Brett and lactose!”

2016 Robert Biale Vineyards Aldo’s Vineyard Zinfandel (Napa Valley, $85)

Hailing from Zin grown on clay soils, Aldo’s is a gorgeously layered red; bay leaf spiciness, and red/blue/black fruits that have both depth and length, all bound together in a stylized, excellent experience.

2016 Scott Harvey ‘Vineyard 1869’ Zinfandel (Amador County, $49)

Most of this fruit comes from 147+ year old vines, and they are doing their part to up the perception game of Amador in general. Sporting bay leaf, leather, black licroice, berry compote, plums, raisins along with savory and floral notes, this is broad, generous, powerful, and yet able to capture a bouncy step within its friendly fruitiness.

2016 Peachy Canyon ‘Willow’ Zinfandel (Paso Robles, $44)

Nothing to weep about here. Winemaker Robert Henson attributes this wine’s sweeter array of spices, plums, mint, roses, and bramble to the “pure chalk” soils that extend down “at least fifteen feet,” making the vines work for their suppers while their western location in Paso allows for more ocean influences. This is an open, deep Zin, with textbook ripe tannins, and yet hints of greener herbs and red cranberries that liven it up.

2017 Bedrock Wine Co. Evangelho Vineyard Heritage Red (Contra Costa County, $45)

Morgan Twain-Peterson, son of Zin icon Joel Peterson, literally grew up with the grape, and that shows in the Bedrock Evangelho (here acoompanied by Carignane and Mataro). Savory, quite herbal, and rocking the cranberry and peppercorn before moving into darker/riper plum flavors, this is a sultry, supple, spicy, and well-made red. A big, powerful boy it is, too

2016 Ravenswood Winery Single Vineyard Belloni Zinfandel (Russian River Valley, $42)

Not to be outdone by his offspring, the company that Morgan Twain-Peterson’s father famously founded is not exactly slouching in the single-vineyard Zin department, either. A focused, mineral, and refined effort, Ravenswood’s Belloni has ample dried herb action, graphite hints, and an approach to its powerful dark fruit flavors that’s akin to a big fist in a velvet glove.

Riiiiiiiinger

2005 Ridge Vineyards Lytton Springs (Dry Creek Valley, $NA)

Folks, this is what we call a “ringer.” Ridge president David Amadia showed up with this aged beauty, which is based on about 77% Zinfandel from field-blend 1901 plantings. It’s stunning. Black cherry, bramble, graphite, earth… this is juuuuust starting to soften and is now coming fully into its own as a stellar product of a stellar DCV vintage.

2016 Berryessa Gap Zinfandel (Yolo County, $22)

Berryessa Gap’s winemaker Nicole Salengo seems deceptive; while youthful, she is packing a decade of experience under her belt, as well as studies in Geology and viticulture. Yolo sits about thirty miles east of Rutherford, and Salengo is convinced it’s an area that’s worthy of its own terroir discussions; to wit, her 2016 Zin (of which only 600 cases were made). Based on a Primitivo clone, this is leathery, smoky, meaty stuff, with powerful dark cherry flavors; but the real delight comes in the tea-like herbal notes and vibrant acid profile.

2014 DeLoach Vineyards Saitone Vineyard Olivet Bench Zinfandel (Russian River Valley, $45)

By the numbers: 300 cases, 25% new oak, 1895 (head-pruned) plantings that are 90% Zin. For all of its sexiness, this red is fresh, bright, herbal, focused, and textured. Sure, there’s raspberry compote galore, but the vivacity and concentration are so natural that they exude texture, purity, and a sense of purpose.

2016 Pedroncelli ‘Courage’ Faloni Vineyard Zinfandel (Sonoma County, $32)

Queue the Cowardly Lion… Anyway… 2016 is the inaugural vintage of this red, crafted from fruit that has been farmed for three generations in the northwest valley floor of Dry Creek.  Sexy, supple, savory, sultry, and supersized, this is Big Boy territory done right, with a splash of cardamom for good measure.

2015 McCay Cellars Faith Lot 13 Vineyard Zinfandel (Lodi, $32)

Michael McCay is now Lodi’s patron saint of elegance, continuously teasing out a more feminine side of the burly grape. The Faith Lot is right on that target – spiced plums, saline, minerals, currants, cranberries, roses, all with length, juiciness, verve, and an sense of reserve that belies the age of its 1915 source fruit plantings.

2016 Hendry Block 24 Primitivo (Napa Valley, $39)

Whaaaaaaat. The. Hell?!?? Napa Zin that’s not overdone, overpriced, and made from the oft-maligned Primitivo, to boot? Broad, floral, and vibrant, this is a red to love. Dark cherries, plums, incredible spiciness, and oodles of pepper. You can get lost in a wine like this.

2015 Domaine de la Terre Rouge Easton Shenandoah Valley Estate Zinfandel (Sierra Foothills, $35)

Head-trained vines, influenced by the cool air of nearby Carson’s Pass make up Easton’s plummy, jammy Estate Zin. There’s a lot of ass being kicked here, with cardamom, clay, pepper, and nearly to-die-for texture.

2012 Beekeeper Cellars Madrone Spring Vineyard Zinfandel (Rockpile, $NA)

Ian Blackburn included 20% Petite Sirah in this Zin, and it’s kind of a crime that there’s no more left… though it makes a compelling argument for seeking out the rest of his low-production reds. Smoked meat, roses, pepper, and spices give way to both structure and heft, that in turn gives way to a sense of crisp, clean clarity.

2016 Once & Future “Frank’s Block” Teldeschi Vineyard Zinfandel (Dry Creek Valley, $50)

No one escapes ZinEx without encountering Joel Peterson and his wines, which now are under the Once & Future label, and the fabled Teldeschi vineyard, its 30 acres of early 1900s plantings on gravelly clay loam having produced some stellar Zins. Joel’s version includes small amounts of Carignan and Alicante Bouschet, with the result being both complex and crowd-pleasing. Layers of red and black fruits, moving from jammy to tart, rounded out by roses, violets, and a beautiful sense of tension.

Cheers!

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Copyright © 2016. Originally at Bless You, For You Hath Zin’d (ZinEx 2019 Highlights) from 1WineDude.com – for personal, non-commercial use only. Cheers! Source: http://www.1winedude.com/zinex-2019-highlights/

from Linda Johnson https://meself84.wordpress.com/2019/03/28/bless-you-for-you-hath-zind-zinex-2019-highlights/