#as a caveman or something and then I think about humans and animals and plants and how what is is goverened by the rules of what is and

[cat-marshmallow]

z

[love-pyramus]

P

Hi, you're on a rock floating in space. Pretty cool, huh? Some of it's water. Fuck it, actually, most of it's water. I can't even get from here to there without buying a boat. A plane is shown flying from South America to Africa. The plane fades off the screen, and a lone, sad stick figure is shown standing on Africa. NARRATOR: It's sad. I'm sad. I miss you. The camera pans left across the globe to show more sad stick figures also standing on South America, North America, and Europe. CHORUS: How did this happen? NARRATOR: A long time ago- Actually, never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. When? Never. Makes sense, right? Like I said, it didn't happen. Nothing was never anywhere. That's why it's been everywhere. It's been so everywhere, you don't need a where. You don't even need a when. That's how "every" it gets. A long pause happens. NARRATOR: Forget this. I wanna be something. Go somewhere. Do something. I want things to change. I want to invent time and space, and I know it's possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. I just don't know when to start, and that's exactly where it started. The sound of VCR fast forwarding plays. NARRATOR: Ooh, I paused it. I think there's a universe now. What's it made of? CHORUS: Quarks and stuff! NARRATOR: Ah, that's a thing, in a place. Don't like it? Try a new place, at a different time. Try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier, but it's not empty yet. It's still very full and about a kjghpillion degrees. About no seconds pass. NARRATOR: Great news! The quarks are now happily married and in groups of three, called a proton or a neutron, and there's something else flying around too that wants to join in but can't because it's still too- An explosion goes off while the screen says, "HOT." 10 minutes pass. NARRATOR: Great news! The protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other. Some of them even doubled up. About 380,000 years pass. NARRATOR: Great news! The electrons have now joined in. Congratulations! The world is now a bunch of gas in space, but it's getting closer together... 10 million years pass. NARRATOR: ...and it's getting closer together... 500 million years pass. NARRATOR: ...and it's getting closer toget- An explosion occurs. CHORUS: It's a star! NARRATOR: New shit just got made. Some stars burn out and die. Bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit... CHORUS: Space dust! NARRATOR: ...which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into- CHORUS: Even crazier space dust! NARRATOR: ...so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things, like this ball of flaming rocks for example. NARRATOR: Holy shit! We just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kind of made a mess, which is- CHORUS: Now the Moon! The year is now -4,000,000,000. NARRATOR: Weather update, it's raining rocks from outer space. NARRATOR: Weather update, those rocks might have had water inside them, and now, there's hot steam in the sky. NARRATOR: Weather update, cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. NARRATOR: Weather update, it's raining. NARRATOR: Severe flooding alert! The entire world is now an ocean. NARRATOR: Volcano alert! CHORUS: That's land! OCEAN: (Mumbles) There's life in the ocean. NARRATOR: What? CHORUS: Something's alive in the ocean. IMMATERIAL OBSERVER (IO): Oh, cool. Like, a plant or an animal? The camera zooms in on a single-cell organism. NARRATOR: No, a microscopic speck. It lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. The cell divides. NARRATOR: Oh, yeah, and it can do that. Those cells divide many more times. NARRATOR: It has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. So that's pretty nifty, I would say. NARRATOR:

Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? CHORUS: Now you can eat sunlight! The year is now -3,000,000,000. NARRATOR: Using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food. CHORUS: Taste the sun! The year is now -2,300,000,000. NARRATOR: Side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. Then the Earth might have been a snowball for a while. Maybe even a couple of times. The year is now -500,000,000. NARRATOR: It's a sponge. It's a plant. It's a worm, and some other types of weird, strange water bugs and strange fish. CHORUS: It's the Cambrian explosion! IO: Wow, that's animals and stuff. SEA LIFE: But we're still in the ocean. Hey, can we go on land? CHORUS, as LAND: No! SEA LIFE: Why? CHORUS, as LAND: The sun is a deadly lazer! SEA LIFE: Oh, okay. CHORUS: Not anymore, there's a blanket. NARRATOR: Now the animals can go on land. Come on animals, let's go on land. FISH: Nope, can't walk yet. And there's no food yet, so I don't care. 100 million years pass. LAND: Okay, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here? SOME BUGS AND FISH: Maybe NARRATOR: ...said some bugs... and fish. The year is now -380,000,000. FISH grunts because it is struggling to get on land, for it has no legs. 5 million years pass. The year is now -375,000,000. FISH now has legs, for it has evolved into an AMPHIBIAN. AMPHIBIAN: Okay, so I can go on land, but I have to go back in the water to- CHORUS: Have babies! The word "idea" flashes on to the screen. NARRATOR: Learn to use an egg. AMPHIBIAN: I was already doing that. NARRATOR: Use a stronger egg. Put water in it. Have a baby, on land, in an egg. Water is in the egg. Baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. The year is -312,000,000. AMPHIBIAN OFFSPRING: Works for me. CHORUS: Bye bye, ocean! 50 million years pass. NARRATOR: And now everything's huge. Including bugs. Wanna see a map of the land? IO: Sure. The year is now -252,000,000. A globe is presented. The camera starts to pan around it when a large explosion happens, destroying a land mass on the globe the size of a continent. Text pops onto the screen reading "PERMIAN EXTINCTION." The Permian Extinction has occurred. NARRATOR: Oh fuck, now everything's dead. Just kidding, here are the survivors. The thrinaxodon, lystrosaurus, and proterosuchus are shown. NARRATOR: Keep your eye on this one... The proterosuchus is circled. 75 million years pass. NARRATOR: ...'cause it's about to become the dinosaurs. Here's another map of the land. The globe is shown again. It does not yet look like the Earth we know today; many of the continents are in pieces or out of place. NARRATOR: Yeah, it broke apart. Don't worry about that. It does that all the time. The year is now -66,000,000. NARRATOR: Here comes a meteor. A meteor comes into frame and hits the globe near what is today called Central America. CHORUS: And the dinosaurs are gone! NARRATOR: It's mammal time! Here come the mammals; look at those breasts. The year is now -15,000,000. NARRATOR: Now, they're gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff, and walk. The year is now -4,000,000. A transition from one of human's older ancestors to one of human's younger ancestors is shown. NARRATOR: No, like, walk like that, and grab stuff at the same time. The year is now -3,000,000. NARRATOR: And bang rocks together to make pointed rocks. IO: Ouch. The year is now -1,500,000. NARRATOR: And set things on fire. IO: Yeouch. The year is now -200,000. NARRATOR: And make crazy sounds with their voice. CAVEMAN: Gneurshk. NARRATOR: Which can mean different things. Via the CAVEMAN's thought bubble, "Gnerushk," is shown to mean, "Hi," "Bye," and, "Can you hand me that rock over there?" CHORUS: That's a human person! NARRATOR: And now they're everywhere, almost. Text pops on to the screen, above the landmass that is today called North America. It reads "not here yet." Humans have not migrated there yet. The year is now -20,000. Text pops on to the screen, between what is today the American

state of Alaska and the Russian autonomous okrug (district) of Chukotka. The text reads "ice age." The ice age is occurring, creating a land bridge between the two landmasses. CHORUS: Ice age! HUMANS: What? You can walk over here? Cool! The year is now -10,000. CHORUS: Not anymore. HUMANS: Well, I guess we're stuck here now. NARRATOR: Let's review. There's people on the planet, and they're chasing their food. HUMAN: Fuck it, time to plant some grass. Look at this. I control the food now. Now, everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. Let's all build houses, except mine is bigger because I own the food. This is great. I wonder if anyone else is doing this. The year is now -5000. NARRATOR: Tired of using rocks for everything? Use metal! It's underground. NARRATOR: Better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. A sheep baas in the background. CHORUS: Guess what happens next! NARRATOR: More food, and more people who came to buy the food, and you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales, and now, you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now, there's more people, and they invent things which makes things better, and more people come, and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people, and now, there's business, money, writing, laws, power. CHORUS: Society! NARRATOR: Coming soon to a dank river valley near you. Meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. DISTRAUGHT HUMAN: Why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? NARRATOR: Tired of using lame, sad metal? The year is now -3300. NARRATOR: Introducing- CHORUS: Bronze! NARRATOR: Made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land... I don't know, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. Also, guess what? CHORUS: Egypt! The year is now -2000. NARRATOR: Meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. Now, we're getting somewhere. Also- CHORUS: China! NARRATOR: And did I mention- CHORUS: Indus River Valley Civilization! A "society count" comes on screen. It lists the four civilizations just named (including Mesopotamia, the "sweet dank valley right in between... two rivers"), as the counter counts up from one to four. It pauses for a moment before ticking up to five. A fifth civilization appears on the list. The camera pans right across the globe to what is modern day Peru. CHORUS: Norte Chico! NARRATOR: The Middle East is getting more complicated. Maybe because it's in the middle of the East. The year is now -1600. PEOPLE WITH HORSES: Knock, knock. Er... clop clop. NARRATOR: It's the people with the horses, and they made an empire, and then everyone else copied their horses. CHORUS: Greeks! NARRATOR: Ah, look, it must be the Greeks. Or, a beta version of the Greeks. Text pops up on screen, reading "mycenaean greeks." These "beta version... Greeks" are the Mycenaean Greeks. NARRATOR: Let's check in with the Indus River Valley Civilization - they're gone. Guess who's not gone? CHORUS: China! The year is now -1200. CHORUS: New arrivals in India! Maybe it's those horse people I was talking about, or their cousins, or something... And they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff! NARRATOR: You could make a religion out of this. The year is now -1150. NARRATOR: There's the Bronze Age collapse. CHORUS: Now, the Phoenicians can get down to business! HUMANS: (Offscreen) Also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find? Bronze switches to iron. HUMANS: (Offscreen) Thanks. NARRATOR: Look who came back to Israel - it's the twelve tribes of Israel! CHORUS: And they believe in God! NARRATOR: Just one though; he's got like a ten step program. NARRATOR: Here's some huge heads. Must be the Olmecs. The year is now -800. NARRATOR: The Phoenicians make some colonies. The Greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. The Phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. The year is now

-671. NARRATOR: Here comes the Assyrian Empire. The year is now -600. NARRATOR: Nevermind, it's the Babyloni- The year is now -580. NARRATOR: Media- The year is now -500. CHORUS: It's the Persian Empire! IO: Wow, that's big. NARRATOR: Ah, the Buddha was just enlightened! IO: Who's the Buddha? NARRATOR: This guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. You could make a religion out of this. The year is now -475. NARRATOR: Oops, China just broke, but while it was breaking, Confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. The year is now -400. NARRATOR: Ah, the Greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff... The year is now -330. NARRATOR: ...and right over here, Alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire Persian empire. It's a great idea. He was... Great, and now he's dead. Hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. The year is now -305. CHANDRAGUPTA: Knock knock. NARRATOR: It's Chandragupta. He says- CHANDRAGUPTA: Get the hell out of here. Will you get the hell out of here if I give you five hundred elephants? Okay, thanks. Bye. CHORUS: Time to conquer all of India! NARRATOR: Er- CHORUS: Most of India! IO: But what about this part? NARRATOR: That's the Tamil kings. No one conquers the Tamil kings. IO: Who are the Tamil kings? CHORUS: Merchants, probably... And they've got spices! TAMIL KINGS: Who would like to buy the spices? ARABIANS: Me! NARRATOR: ...said the Arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world. The year is now -221. NARRATOR: Hey, China put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy! Actually, they have three main philosophies. Confucianism, Taoism, and legalism appear with the corresponding messages under: having good morals, go with the flow, and "fuck you obey the law". The land northwest of Qin China, which is roughly modern-day Mongolia, is circled. NARRATOR: Out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. The horse nomads repeatedly bump into China with the coin sound effect from Super Mario playing each time they do so. The camera pans left on the globe back to the Ancient Greek Empire. NARRATOR: Let's check the Greekification levels of the Greekified kingdoms. Greekification overload! PARTHIANS: Bye. NARRATOR: ...said the Parthians. JEWS: Bye. NARRATOR: ...said the Jews. PARTHIANS: Hi! NARRATOR: ...said the Parthians, taking over the entire place. The year is now 1 CE. ROMANS: Heyyyyyyyy... NARRATOR: ...said the Romans, eating the entire Mediterranean for breakfast. JEWS: Thanks for invading our homeland. NARRATOR: ...said the Jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. The year is now 30 CE. JESUS CHRIST: Hi, everything's great. NARRATOR: ...said some guy, who seems to be getting very popular, and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. You could make a religion out of this. NARRATOR: Want silk? Now, you can buy it from China. They just made a- CHORUS: Brand new road to the world! China conquers Vietnam. CHORUS: Or you can get there on water! INDIA: Sick! New trade routes. NARRATOR: ...said India, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. Funan is highlighted. NARRATOR: Hm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom. The sound of a zooming car plays. NARRATOR: There goes Buddhism, traveling up the silk road. The year is now 220. NARRATOR: I wonder if it'll reach China before it collapses again. The year is now 225. NARRATOR: Remember the Persian Empire? PERSIANS: Yep. NARRATOR: ...said the Persians, making a new one. Axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. Has anyone populated Madagascar yet? BANTU and MALAY: Let's do it together! The year is now 280. CHORUS: China is whole again! The year is now 320. CHORUS: Then it broke again. NARRATOR: Still can't cross the Sahara Desert? Try camels! CHORUS, as

GHANA EMPIRE: Hell yeah! Now we've got business! NARRATOR: ...said the Ghana Empire, selling lots of gold and slaves. ROMAN CHRISTIAN: Hi, I live in the Roman Empire, and I was wondering- CHORUS, as ROMAN CHRISTIAN: Is loving Jesus legal yet? ROME: No. The year is now 330. CONSTANTINE: Actually, okay, sure. NARRATOR: ...said Constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his- CHORUS: Main rival! CONSTANTINE: Don't worry about Rome; it won't fall. The year is now 400. CHORUS: It's the golden age of India! NARRATOR: There's the Gupta Empire, not Chandragupta, just Gupta... First name Chandra... The First. Guess who's in Rome. CHORUS: Barbarians! NARRATOR: What's a barbarian? ROMANS: Non-Romans. NARRATOR: ...said the Romans, being invaded by non-Romans. The year is now 476. NARRATOR: R.I.P. Roman Empire. Er, actually just half of it; the other half is just fine, but it's not in Rome anymore, so let's give it a new name. CHORUS: The Mayans have figured out the stars! NARRATOR: Oh, and here's a huge city, population: everyone. The year is now 576. NARRATOR: The Göktürks have taken over the entire Eurasian steppe. Great job, Göktürks. How's India? Broken. How's China? CHORUS: Back together. NARRATOR: How's those trading kingdoms? CHORUS: Bigger, and there's more of them. NARRATOR: Korea has three kingdoms. Japan has a kingdom; it's the sunrise kingdom. An intermission occurs. The year is now 610. NARRATOR: Deep in the Arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in Muhammad's ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake... The year is now 622. NARRATOR: ...and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. You can make a religion out of this... The year is now 650. NARRATOR: ...and maybe conquer the world as well. The Roman Empire is long gone, but somehow, the Pope is still the Pope! Plus, there's- CHORUS: New kingdoms all over Europe! NARRATOR: I wonder if there's room for Moors. The year is now 786. NARRATOR: Here's all the wisdom, in a house: it's the Baghdad House of Wisdom, just in time for the- CHORUS: Islamic Golden Age! SWAHILI: Let's bring stuff to the coast, and sell it, and become the Swahili on the Swahili Coast. NARRATOR: ...said the Swahili on the Swahili Coast. NARRATOR: Remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? Someone owns that now. NARRATOR: Wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? NARRATOR: The Franks have the biggest kingdom in Europe, and the Pope is so proud that he invites the king over for Christmas. The year is now 800. POPE: Surprise! You're the new Roman Emperor! NARRATOR: ...said the Pope, pretending to still be part of the Roman Empire. Then, the Franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called France and Not France. The Northerners (or just Norse, if you don't have much time) are exploring. They go north, from the north, to the northern north, and they find some land, two types of land, and they name them accordingly. Large text comes on screen reading, "prankd." NARRATOR: They also invade some other places and get called many names, such as Vikings. The year is now 882. NARRATOR: There's the Rus, the Kievan Rus. IO: Are they Vikings? KIEVAN RUS: I don't think so. NARRATOR: ...said the Kievan Rus. IO: Okay, fair enough. NARRATOR: The Pope is ready to make some more emperors of the Roman Empire, the Holy Roman Empire. It's actually Germany, but don't worry about it! New kingdoms! DISTORTED VOICE: CHRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS! NARRATOR: Which brand would you like? ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH: Mine's better. EASTERN ORTHODOX CHURCH: Mine's better. ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH: Mine's better. The year is now 1066. WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR: Time to conquer England. NARRATOR: ...said William. The year is now 1071. NARRATOR: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's the Seljuk Turks! BYZANTINE EMPIRE: Aah! NARRATOR: ...said the Byzantine Empire, who's getting so small it almost doesn't

exist anymore. BYZANTINE EMPIRE: We need help! NARRATOR: They need help, so they call the Pope. BYZANTINE EMPIRE: Hey, Pope, can you help us get rid of the Seljuks? Maybe take back the Holy Land on the way? Come on, I know you want to take back the Holy Land. POPE: Yes, I do actually want to do that. Let's do a Crusade. The year is now 1099. CHORUS: Crusade! NARRATOR: They did many crusades, some of which almost didn't fail, but at the least the Italians got some sweet trade deals. The year is now 1100. NARRATOR: Goodbye, Mayans. CHORUS: Hello, Toltecs! NARRATOR: Goodbye, Toltecs. CHORUS: Hello, Mississippi! NARRATOR: Look at those mounds! There's the Pueblo. I've always wondered how to build a town on a cliff. The year is now 1150. NARRATOR: Guess who's here? Khmer! IO: Where? NARRATOR: Here, and Pegan is there! Vietnam unconquered itself, Korea just became itself... The year is now 1192. NARRATOR: ...and Japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. China just invented bombs and typing... The year is now 1230. It rapidly starts to count upward as the Mongols spin and fly all over north Asia. The year ends on 1259. NARRATOR: ...and the Mongols just invaded most of the universe. (sarcastically) Nice going, Genghis! I bet that will last a long time. The Mongol Empire that was just formed shatters. NARRATOR: Some of the Islamic Turks were unaffected by the Mongol invasions because they were busy invading India. Bright, happy text comes on the screen reading, "tonga time." NARRATOR: Is it Tonga time? TONGAN: I think it's Tonga time! Text comes on screen reading, "colonizing the pacific ocean..." The Tu'i Tonga Empire forms. NARRATOR: I just found out where the Swahili gets all their gold! It is shown that the gold comes from the Great Zimbabwe, as the Great Zimbabwe is highlighted. NARRATOR: Look at this "chad" (it means lake). There's an empire there, right in the middle of- CHORUS: Africa! The year is now 1324. NARRATOR: The King of Mali is so rich, he's going on tour to let everyone know. NORTH AFRICA and THE MIDDLE EAST: Wow, that guy's rich. NARRATOR: ...everyone said. The Christians are doing a great job reconquering Iberia, which will soon be called Spain and Not-Spain. IBERIAN PENINSULA: Please remain Christian. We will check in later to see if you're still Christian when you least expect. The year is now 1350. NARRATOR: Whoops! Half of Europe just died! CHORUS: Ming! NARRATOR: China's back, yay! The year is now 1400. Hey Khmer, time to share! New kingdoms here and there. Oh, look who controls all the islands. It's the Mahajapit- The buzz of an "incorrect" buzzer buzzes. NARRATOR: Majahapit- Buzzes. NARRATOR: Mapajahit- Buzzes. NARRATOR: Mahapajit- Buzzes. NARRATOR: Mapajahit- Buzzes. NARRATOR: Ma-ja-pa-hit? The ring of a "correct" bell rings. The year is now 1450. NARRATOR: Oh, Italy's really rich. Time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. It's kinda like a re-birth. The text on the screen reads "renaissance". NARRATOR: Here's a printer, let's make books! BYZANTINE EMPIRE: So you think you can conquer the Byzantine Empire? OTTOMAN TURKS: Yep. NARRATOR: ...said the Ottoman Turks. Nice job, Ottoman Turks! The year is now 1453. NARRATOR: Oops, you missed a spot. Don't forget to ban Europe from the Indian spice trade. PORTUGAL: What? That's bullshit! NARRATOR: ...said Portugal, spiceless. CHORUS, as PORTUGAL: Well, I guess we'll have to find another way to India! CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: Wait! NARRATOR: ...said Christopher Columbus, probably smoking crack. COLUMBUS: If the world is round, let's go this way to India! PORTUGAL: Nah, don't worry, we already got this NARRATOR: ...said Portugal. So Chris goes to Spain. COLUMBUS: Hey, Spain, wanna hire me to find India by going around the back of the world? SPAIN: No. COLUMBUS: Please? SPAIN: No. COLUMBUS: Please? SPAIN: No. COLUMBUS: Please? SPAIN: Okay. The year is now 1492. NARRATOR: So he sails into the ocean and discovers... More

ocean... And then discovers the Indies and Japan. The year is now 1494. SPAIN and PORTUGAL: Let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. NARRATOR: The Aztec and Inca Empires are off to a great start. I wonder if they know that Europe just discovered their continent? NARRATOR: The Hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families that they might have to start marrying each other. The year is now 1500. NARRATOR: Move over, Lithuania! Here comes Moscow. Ivan wants to make Russia great again. Move over, Timurids; maybe go invade India or something. The year is now 1501. NARRATOR: Persia just made Persia Persian again. Let's make it the other kind of Islam, the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy. ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH: Hey, Christians! Do you sin? Now you can buy your way out of Hell. MARTIN LUTHER: That's bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that's a scam, fuck the church. Here's 95 reasons why. NARRATOR: ...said Martin Luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the Protestant Reformation. SULEIMAN THE MAGNIFICENT: You know what would be magnificent? NARRATOR: ...said Suleiman, wearing an onion hat. The year is now 1530. SULEIMAN: What if the Ottoman Empire was really big, which it is now? The year is now 1556. IVAN THE TERRIBLE: What if Russia was big? NARRATOR: ...said Ivan, trying not to be terrible. NARRATOR: Portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire Indian Ocean, including the Spice Trade... and then that dream was real. And Spain realized that this is not India, but they pillaged it anyway! ENGLAND and FRANCE: Damn. NARRATOR: ...said England and France. ENGLAND and FRANCE: We gotta start pillaging some stuff. NARRATOR: Then, the Dutch revolt, and all the hipsters move to Amsterdam. The year is now 1600. AMSTERDAM: Damn. NARRATOR: ...said Amsterdam. AMSTERDAM: We gotta start pillaging some stuff. ENGLAND, FRANCE, and THE DUTCH: Question 1: Can you get to India through North America? No, but at least there's beaver. Question 2: Steal the Spice Trade. NARRATOR: That's not a question, but the Dutch did it anyway. CHORUS: Sugar! The year is now 1640. NARRATOR: Guess where all the sugar is made. In Brazil- THE DUTCH: Stolen! NARRATOR: -In the Caribbean, and it's so goddamn profitable that you might forget to not do slavery. The next thing on Russia's to-do-list is to get bigger. The year is now 1754. NARRATOR: Britain and France are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically Ohio. Then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving Prussia a chance to show Austria who's boss. IO: But what about Britain and France? Did they figure out who's boss? NARRATOR: Yes, they did! It's Britain. Guess who's broke. Also Britain, so they start taxing the Hell out of America. The year is now 1776. AMERICA: Fuck you. NARRATOR: ...says America, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and France helps them win. Now, France is broke... The year is now 1788. NARRATOR: ...and Britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. IO: Wait, if France is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? The year is now 1794. ROBESPIERRE: Let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off! NARRATOR: ...says Robespierre, cutting everybody's head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. IO: You could make a religi- NARRATOR: No, don't. Haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution... The year is now 1791. NARRATOR: ...especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. TOUSSAINT L'OUVERTURE: Why didn't we think of this before? IO: Wait, who's in charge of France now? The year is now 1804. CHORUS, as NAPOLEON: Me! NARRATOR: ...said Napoleon, trying to take over Europe. Luckily, they banished him to an island- CHORUS: But he came back! NARRATOR: Luckily, they banished him to another island. A burst of horns play. NARRATOR: There goes Latin America, becoming independent in the Latin

American Wars of Independence. They last from the year 1812 to about 1830. NARRATOR: Britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now, they can make- CHORUS: Many different types of machines, and factories with machines in them, so they can make a lot of products real fast. NARRATOR: Then, they invent some trains and conquer India and maybe put some trains there. BRITAIN: Hey, China! NARRATOR: ...said Britain. BRITAIN: Buy stuff from us! CHINA: Nah, dude, we already got everything. NARRATOR: ...says China, so Britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually, but then, China made it illegal... The year is now 1839. NARRATOR: ...and dumped it all into the sea, so Britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. Britain and Russia are playing a game where they try and stop each other from conquering Afghanistan. Also, the- CHORUS: Sultan of Oman lives in Zanzibar now. NARRATOR: That's just where he lives. The year is now 1857. NARRATOR: India just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. BRITAIN: Nope. NARRATOR: ...said Britain, governing them even harder than before. The screen reads, "HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE," while the Morse Code for "SEXLOL" plays in the background. CHORUS: Technology is about to go crazy! The year is now 1863. NARRATOR: The United States finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. ABRAHAM LINCOLN: It's bad. NARRATOR: ...they decided, and then, they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the Mexicans too. The year is now 1884. EUROPE: I know! Let's rape Africa. NARRATOR: ...said Europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. (They never got Ethiopia.) Britain and France are still hungry! (They never got Thailand.) The United States ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more. CHORUS: Hawaii and Cuba! IO: Wait! Spain controls Cuba! UNITED STATES: Well, blame something on them, and go to war. AMERICANS: What should we blame on Spain? The U.S.S. Maine explodes in the Gulf of Mexico. UNITED STATES: Let's blame the Maine on Spain NARRATOR: ...so they blame the Maine on Spain. The year is now 1898. AMERICANS: Now, we're in business! NARRATOR: To celebrate, they kick Panama out of Panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. The year is now 1908. NARRATOR: Britain just found oil in the Middle East. (It makes cars go.) The year is now 1911. NARRATOR: China is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. Europe hasn't had a war since the last war... The year is now 1914. NARRATOR: ...so they start World War I. Look at those guns! It's gonna be a "Great War" - so great we won't need a second one. After it's over, they blame Germany. The year is now 1917. NARRATOR: Russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. Now, everyone's paycheck is the same. The year is now 1922. CHORUS: Communism, in the Soviet Union! NARRATOR: The Arabs revolt... The year is now 1917. NARRATOR: ...and Britain helps. BRITAIN: (Offscreen) Now, the Ottoman Empire is gone, The year is now 1922. BRITAIN: (Offscreen) So we can give the- CHORUS: Jewish people a place to live! NARRATOR: Hopefully, the Arabs won't mind. SYKES and PICOT: Let's cut the cake! NARRATOR: ...said Sykes and Picot, cutting up the remains of the Not-So-Ottoman-Anymore Empire. The year is now 1923. CHORUS: Except Turkey! Turkey makes a brand new Turkey! NARRATOR: ...and then, the Saudis conquer Arabia. It just seemed like the right thing to do. A phone rings. IO: Hello? THE 1920s: Yes, it's the 1920s calling. Let's get in a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. The economy is great, and it will probably be great forever- just kidding! A slide whistle with decreasing pitch briefly plays.

The year is now 1933. NARRATOR: Germany is back, featuring Hitler, the angry mustache model, and he's mad at the Jews for existing. Japan is finally conquering the East, and they're so excited... The year is now 1937. NARRATOR: ...they rape Nanking way too hard. They should probably just deny it. The year is now 1945. NARRATOR: Hitler's out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain why killing all the Jews is a bad idea. But he kills himself before they could explain it to him. CHORUS: That's World War II! NARRATOR: Bonus Round! Air horns momentarily play in the background. NARRATOR: (Like Announcer from Mortal Kombat) Pacific Showdown: United States versus Japan! Fight! A drop-down menu that reads "weapon select" pops up, and the U.S. cursor moves down from "boat" to "plane" to "extinction ball." It is picked, dropped on Japan, and an explosion results. The year is now 1945. NARRATOR: (Like Announcer from Mortal Kombat) Finish him! Another one is dropped, and another explosion follows. NARRATOR: Let's unite all the nations and have some- CHORUS: World peace! NARRATOR: Seems legit. GANDHI: Hi, I'm Gandhi, and if Britain doesn't get the Hell out of India, I'm gonna starve myself in public. The year is now 1947. Britain leaves. GANDHI: Wow, that worked? NARRATOR: Bonus! Now, there's Pakistan. Actually, two Pakistans; one of them can be Bangladesh later. The Jews and the Arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the Holy Land. JEWS and ARABS: Me! NARRATOR: ...they both said at the same time. The year is now 1947. UNITED NATIONS: Let's divide up the land so everyone's happy. CHORUS: Sike! They both get angrier. NARRATOR: Look out, China! The year is now 1949. NARRATOR: There's a new China in China! What's on the menu? PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC of CHINA: Communism! REPUBLIC of CHINA: No, thanks. NARRATOR: ...said the other China, escaping to an island. I wonder which one is the real China? The year is now 1950. NARRATOR: There's the Korean War: Korea versus Korea. Nobody wins and then it's on pause forever. Let's meet the sponsors! Oh, it's the two global superpowers. They're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of Satan. And they both have atom bombs. NARRATOR: (With an echo) FIGHT! NARRATOR: Wait, no, that would be the end of the world. Let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead, and make sure we have enough atom bombs. The year is now 1957. SOVIET UNION: I'll race you to space. The year is now 1969. An American rocket ship is shown to land on the moon. SOVIET UNION and UNITED STATES: Now, let's make some more countries fight themselves. NARRATOR: Europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. So here's a new map, with new countries! Now, you can't tell who they're being pillaged by. The year is now 1963. NARRATOR: The United States finally decided whether racism is good or bad. They decided it's bad, and the world agrees. South Africa might need another minute to think about it. Let's check the world population. A graph is shown, displaying a spike upward in population that jumped from "a billion" at the beginning of the 1800s to "way more" around the beginning of the 2000s. IO: Whoa... Okay. NARRATOR: Technology is better too; that might keep happening. The Soviet Union decides to relax a little... The year is now 1991. NARRATOR: ...and accidentally falls apart. Europe makes a union... The year is now 1999. NARRATOR: ...so now, they can all use the same money, except Britain 'cause they don't feel like it. Let's check the mail! Surprise! It's on the computer. The year is now 2001. NARRATOR: Whoops, someone just attacked America. I bet they'll remember that. Phone call! Surprise! It's in your pocket. Wanna learn everything? Surprise! It's on the computer. Now, your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket. A chart of the 2008 economic recession is shown. NARRATOR: Whoops, the economy just

crashed. Don't worry, the big banks won't fail because they're not supposed to. Surprise! Flying robots, with bombs. Wanna print a brain? Some people have no friends, some people have no food, the globe is warming- CHORUS: And the ocean is full of plastic! EVERYBODY: Let's save the planet! NARRATOR: ...said everybody, not knowing how. The year is now 2028. THING INVENTOR INVENTOR: Let's invent a thing inventor. NARRATOR: ...said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. That's pretty cool. By the way, where the Hell are we?

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #471

Top Ten Settings for a Stardew Valley Spin-Off

Have you played Stardew Valley? It’s great. It’s this sort of farming sim-cum-RPG where you move into a dilapidated old farm and have to turn it around, selling lots of produce and turning a tidy profit. But as well as tilling soil and milking goats, you also have to mosey on down to the local village, befriend the curious townsfolk, repair the battered old community centre, and eventually settle down and get married. And on top of all that, there’s a really weird Lynchian mystery, with monsters in the mines and wizards and witches and a war between dwarves and some kind of race of shadow-people. It’s bonkers and it’s delightful and it’s incredibly, incredibly dense. It’s like a cross between a casual mobile game and six seasons of a prestige fantasy drama.

However good the game is – and it is very good – I never really got too into it. Possibly because in its structure I see too much of the “just one more turn” ethos of Civilization (time passes in days and you can only save when you go to bed, but every morning new stuff has happened or new crops have grown, so you always want to get up and see); as I’m already in the grips of a crippling addiction to the world’s greatest strategy game, injecting more of the same into my veins is a recipe for disaster. Fortunately, my wife got addicted instead, and since the recent console update, we’ve been able to play together in co-op.

So anyway, the long and the short of it is I’ve been playing it pretty much every night.

Whilst I’ve been playing, I’ve been thinking of ways the game could be expanded. Not necessarily improved, but just sort of… spun off, in wild and exciting new directions. A different flavour of Stardew. New settings, new options, new challenges. Do you remember “total conversions”? When teams of modders or developers would essentially build an entirely new game out of an old game? Happened a lot with the Quake and Half-Life engines back in the day; I think it might even be how Gearbox got started, if I remember rightly. Anyway, how’s about a Stardew Valley total conversion? Something along these lines. It’d be good fun at any rate! So let’s play Stardew Valley…

…on Tatooine: you play a moisture farmer with a small place just outside of a bigger town – maybe someplace a bit smaller and friendlier than the likes of Mos Eisley and Mos Espa. You have to install moisture vaporators, buy droids to maintain them, trade with passing Jawas, and fend off Sandpeople attacks (unless you can learn their language and befriend them, Mando-style). Romance townsfolk! Save up enough for a new speeder! Take your T-15 down Beggar’s Canyon to bullseye womp rats! But seriously, the idea of farming in an entirely inhospitable location, and farming in a way that’s not done at all on Earth (except maybe you can also breed whichever animals make the blue milk), is really interesting.

…in the Wild West: you get to be an old-timey rancher out in the West. Are you growing corn? Are you raising cattle? Build yourself a cozy farmhouse. Get one of those windmills going. Basically, you’re creating the Kent Farm in Smallville. Perhaps this could go a bit more serious and look at the relationship between the settlers, townsfolk, and the indigenous people; maybe you could try to get everyone to get along? Or just make it stereotypical and wildly offensive. Godless meets Little House on the Prairie.

…in the Vampire Apocalypse: basically Stardew Valley by way of I Am Legend. There’s no romance here, you’re the only human. During the day you farm, you gather, you build; at night you hunker down as wave after wave of vampires attack. But just like in the book, there’s a deeper, creepier, much sadder mystery to unfold. I mean, this is probably the best possible adaptation you could make of I Am Legend, especially as presenting in a top-down pixel art style would rob it of any sensationalism.

…with Pokémon: you’re always shoving Pokémon in creepy breeding centres in the games, right? Well what if this was basically a Pokémon farm. You have to build specific enclosures for the different Pokémon, make sure they’re well treated, and also grow sufficient crops and foods to keep them happy. Your ultimate aim is to sell the Pokémon themselves (or their produce, I guess) but you can also sell what you grow. And, of course, you can wander into whichever little village in Kanto or Galar or wherever it is we set the game, and have your usual mild RPG entanglements and romantic sub-plots. Meanwhile Team Rocket are trying to mess up your lovely farm. The dastards!

…at the North Pole: kinda similar to the Tatooine farm, this has you managing a remote outpost in the freezing wilderness. Barely anything can grow outside so you have to construct and maintain habitats to farm indoors, and rear animals, etc. You can trade (or romance!) local indigenous people, befriend penguins, and ride polar bears, which I assume is a totally realistic thing to do. On top of all this there could be other research projects to complete and the opportunity to expand the station itself. If you explore far enough, you find a crashed UFO buried in the ice, but whatever you do, don’t let it anywhere near your dog…

…in Yorkshire: basically not much different to Stardew as it exists now, but it’s set in the UK. I think very specifically a small North Yorkshire village. Think of the comedy accents and regional humour! This is the sort of thing Team 17 could have made a lot of headway with in the nineties. You’d be growing and harvesting typical British crops, dealing with eccentric British townsfolk, encountering Sunday bikers and car boot sales and dancing round the May Pole… the more I think about it, the more it should basically be a Wicker Man game, to be honest.

…in Bedrock: farming great big huge caveman crops! Building big rickety stone houses! Driving cars with your feet! And – of course – rearing dinosaurs. Dinosaurs! Think about it: everything would have to be bigger and chunkier and funnier. Maybe you could invent fire or the wheel, or something. Who owns the rights to Chuck Rock? Because if the Flintstone people aren’t on board, this could be a great way to bring back a classic gaming icon.

…during the War: sorta similar to the Yorkshire Farm game above, but specifically set during WWII. I guess this is a more serious sort of game, but the added complications of rationing and a reduced workforce (I think maybe you’d have to hire land girls or something?), making produce for the army and stuff, would add a lot to the gameplay. Perhaps there could be bombing raids, blackouts, and maybe even enemy spies to deal with. All this combined with older technology could be interesting.

…on Cybertron: a totally different way of farming. Imagine: you’re in charge of an energon farm on one of Cybertron’s moons. You have to harvest energon from the ground and then convert it; there could be different energon ores and different ways of converting them. You could also drill for nucleon or something, or rear turbo-rabbits, sharkticons, and scraplets (but don’t let them get loose!). Meanwhile the war is brewing down on the planet below, and eventually you have to decide if you can remain neutral, or if you have to pick a side.

…in the Shire: on the one hand, it’s a fairly straightforward pastoral game, similar to Stardew as it exists now; plant seeds, grow crops, rear animals, do up your farmhouse. But your farm is in the Shire, you’re a hobbit, and everyone else is a hobbit. Grow pipeweed and learn to blow smoke rings! Expand your hobbit hole by digging further into the hill! Go into the Green Dragon and romance the barmaid! You can go adventuring, befriending wizards like Gandalf or Radagast, making friends with dwarves and maybe even meeting elves and men… but if you do, your hobbit neighbours might think a lot less of you. Man, now I really want this game! It sounds fantastic!

So there we are. Ten possible Stardew spin-offs. This started as a fun exercise and ended with me inventing a game that I want more than any other game that exists. This is crazy. Someone make me my gentle hobbit social RPG… please?!

[thecomicsnexus]

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES #22-23 JUNE - JULY 1989 BY MARK MARTIN

SYNOPSIS (FROM TURTLEPEDIA)

As the issue begins, the turtles are ransacking their lair after receiving a bomb threat, shortly after their encounter with the Time Traveler girl from issue #16. The lads aren't having any luck locating the explosive, but Leonardo is confident that the threat is real... as his "Turty Sense" is tingling. As Leo appeals to his brothers to continue the search, Raphael grabs the TV remote out of boredom. As he clicks the button, Leo screams, "NO!" and then the TV launches a bomb out of its screen. Meanwhile, six years in the future, we see the young girl emerging from her time machine. She's pleased to have arrived safely home, after her problems back in issue #16. She's not so pleased to find a bizarro monster waiting for her (although it does offer her a cookie). The girl screams and flees her apartment, by crashing through a second story window. Fortunately, the monster completes an acrobatic catch and sets her safely to the ground, where the child bursts into another sprint. The creature then zaps the terrified child with a freezing ray and engages her in conversation.

We learn that the alien is an ambassador of an alien race called the Skwal. His name is an unpronounceable symbol, so he goes by the name of "George." We finally find out that the girl's name is Dale Evans McGillicutty. George explains that Dale is in big trouble—as is all of humanity. The Skwal have been watching the planet Earth, attempting to keep the human race from destroying themselves (unfortunately the aliens arrived too late, so things on Earth are already too messed up to fix). George has a particular interest in Dale, as she invented the time machine (although thanks to her manipulation of time, she actually didn't - ah temporal anomalies). George needs Dale to use her time machine to go back 2 million years into the past and attempt to change the mindset of humanity, to make the species less violent and thereby giving hope to the future of the race and planet. However, the window of opportunity is closing rapidly, as the Skwal scientists only think that there's one day left in the time machine's life before it pops out of existence for good. The girl reluctantly agrees to go on the mission, but insists on taking some cargo with her. As Dale activates the machine, things go all higglety pigglety.

Cut back to the present. Master Splinter is there with the four turtles... who are now four odd looking robots. Splinter explains that the bomb went off and blew the Turtles to bits, but he's managed to save their parts as well as their brains, which he's had to place into the robots for safe keeping. As Master Splinter gets busy piecing the Turtles' bodies back together, the TMNRobots head off to Bill's TV Repair to pay April's electric bill. We discover that Bill is demented and very angry at April for refusing to go out with him - so angry that he planted the bomb in her television that blasted our hapless heroes to smithereens. After Bill rants about April, he finally notices the four whacked 'bots in his building and assumes that they're devils. The crazed repairman then activates his giant TV Robot, which attacks the Turtlebots. As the battle ensues, Raph manages to wrest the TV Robot's remote control from Bill, and commands it to sit... unfortunately, the mechanical monster is standing directly above Bill and Raphbot when it receives the command...

Two million years in the past, Dale emerges from her time machine, and is quickly attacked by an apeman. Fortunately the girl has George's ray gun, and she freezes her ancestor in mid-leap. Dale explains to monkeyboy that she's here to make his life easier, so he won't be so violent and humanity will evolve into a more peaceful race. She teaches him about gardening and presents him with a comfy recliner. The Time Traveler also gives the apeman a mask of Jocko (an Australian actor who used to sell batteries in American TV commercials... very odd TV commercials), to protect him from predators. Finally, Dale gives monkeyboy a puppy, for him to snuggle and care for. Mission accomplished, Dale gets back into her time machine and heads for home.

When Dale emerges from the machine, George is ecstatic. Evil men across the globe are turning over a new leaf and becoming more admirable. The world is currently a confused mess, but by morning everyone should have morphed into far nicer creatures, thus making Earth a veritable paradise of peace and love. "No more armies... no more wars... no more weapons..." muses the Skwal...

"In short, nothing to defend yourselves from the Invasoskwals! This great paradise will be ours!" the crafty alien finishes.

"You tricked me!!" exclaims Dale.

Things go haywire once again, and then we cut back to April's apartment, where we find the Turtles returned to their old selves. As they celebrate with Casey Jones and Master Splinter, Mike's soda can pops out of existence. As he asks if anyone saw it happen, April calls out to them to come quick. As the guys rush to find out what's wrong, we see that April is watching the Pee Wee Herman show, and the secret word of the day is "turtle." As Splinter laments the mess the Turtles have made of the place, everyone starts losing their memory... and then the TMNT and Master Splinter revert into their original, non-mutated animal forms. Casey looks up from a crossword puzzle and asks April if she said something... in the final panel we see Ms. O'Neil delighted to find four normal turtles on her sofa.

As this issue opens, we find a disgruntled Dale Evans McGillicutty sulking on a Utopian Earth. "How many stupid times to-stupid-day do I have to save the stupid planet?" she growls as she kicks a mushroom.

As the girl heads into The Forest (marked with a sign labeled, "Abandon Continuity All Who Enter Here"), she's confronted by an angry, costumed rat calling himself The Fannywhacker. The rat demands to know why Dale isn't in school and she points out that it's Sunday, whereby the rat demands to know why she isn't in Sunday School. The girl explains that it's almost dark and Sunday School let out hours ago. An enraged Fannywhacker scribbles demerits on his clipboard before admitting that he's not very good at his job... or anything else. The rat laments that all he wants to do is squash punks and read comic books, but the world is so perfect that there's no crime to punish. As Fannywhacker exclaims that some grave cosmic error must have taken place, Dale decides that he's the one person on Earth desperate (and crazy) enough to get into the quickly deteriorating time machine and try to undo what she had done in the previous issue. Armed with confidence in her companion's instability, the girl hatches a plan...

Meanwhile, back at April's apartment, the Turtles (still in their normal, pet shop turtle form) are stuck in an aquarium and are going stir crazy. The guys try to escape, but their efforts are futile.

Two million years in the past, the ape man is busy in his garden when the dilapidated time machine appears. The happy ape man is overjoyed, thinking that Dale has come back to visit him... but he's rudely alerted to the arrival of The Fannywhacker when the rat greets him with a punch in the jaw. The costumed rodent then destroys the garden and the comfy recliner before launching the puppy into the air with a mighty toss. "Now that oughta incite the little goon!" Fannywhacker decrees.

Monkeyboy runs off to save his dog but returns quickly, infuriated and wearing his Jocko mask. Fannywhacker rips the mask into tiny pieces and then runs off, ape man in hot pursuit. The Fannywhacker makes it back inside the time machine, leaving Homo Habilis outside, kicking the cube in frustration. The rat pops his head out of the vehicle and honks monkeyboy's nose, and then launches the craft forward in time... leaving a very, very angry and very, very frustrated caveman in the past.

As Fannywhacker travels back to the future, he reverts to his true form, that of crime fighter The Gnatrat. Thus, the plans of the Skwal are foiled, and humankind returns to its violent past (and present). Unfortunately for Gnatrat, as he tries to journey home, the time machine begins to come apart...

Back at April's apartment, the Turtles have reverted to their mutated forms... but are knocked senseless, as they were still inside the aquarium when the change took place.

In the sewers, Master Splinter is relaxing by playing a Speed Racer video game when he hears a knock at the door. The Sensei assumes that it must be the Shredder, so he loads a cannon and blasts a hole through the door. Unfortunately for Gnatrat, he was the one behind the door, and the giant projectile embeds itself into the rodent detective's chest.

As Splinter fetches Gnatty a shoe horn to pry the missile out of his torso, the crime fighter explains his predicament: thanks to Dale's malfunctioning time machine, he's now trapped seven years in his past. Splinter hatches a nutty plan to utilize Supperman and Gnatrat's Vulcan mind-meld ability to get Gnatty back to his own time.

Meanwhile, the Turtles have decided to go out for pizza. The boys don their disguises and head out into the night.

Gnatrat (whose secret identity is bazillionaire playboy Boo Swain), buys a restaurant for one million dollars. Gnatty and Splinter put out an "All U Can Eat" sign and wait for Supperman to arrive. As soon as the gluttonous hero sits down, the pair of rats begin to stuff him with tons of food. Supperman eats until he looks ready to explode, wherein Splinter and Gnatrat unveil the "koop da grass!" - a gigantic pizza! The Turtles show up just as the mega pie is pulled from the oven and exclaim that they'll take it. Gnatrat rudely tells the Turtles to beat it. Splinter tells Boo to cool it, as he knows the Turtles and they've had a bad day. Gnatrat continues to be rude and an argument breaks out between the two rodents. Gnatty screams that they're wasting time and their plan will be ruined by the Turtles if they don't hurry. Splinter sighs and then gives the pizza to the TMNT. This action enrages Gnatrat and he attacks the Sensei. Splinter flips the charging Gnatty into the restaurant near the overstuffed Supperman. As the crime fighter stands up and prepares for battle, Supperman lets out an enormous belch, which rockets Gnatrat into the stratosphere, where he orbits the Earth with such incredible speed that he travels forward in time... thus landing back in his own time zone.

Now, Dale in her room, is at home arguing with George. The alien is angry, but he leaves in his ship - and the Earth is saved from alien invasion. From downstairs, Dale's mother yells at the girl for talking to strangers and reminds her that she has a test tomorrow.

"You've really got your work cut out for you, young lady!" Dale's mom screams.

"...I know." Dale states, as she dejectedly reads the newspaper, which is filled with violent headlines.

REVIEW

It doesn’t help that this story kind of starts in a past issue... fortunately, you are brought up to speed in the second chapter.

To me, when a guest artist comes into the TMNT books... I expect him to use the Turtles in his stories. But the only character that appears the most is Splinter, and he is unrecognizable. So while this story is non-canon... It is hard to even assume this is a TMNT story. I wonder what people at the time thought about it.

The art is quite good, bringing an alternative look and a very cute style that actually works for the Turtles.

I give the story a score of 6.

[0poole]

First Impressions of Gen 8 so far

People care about my opinions, right? Either way, here I am shouting them out to the world anyway.

The Region: Galar

This one’s relatively special for me, because the half of my family on my dad’s side is all British, and we always take a trip over to visit his family every other year (since we’ve lived in Florida basically all my life), so I hope to see a lot of familiar sights in this region. Obviously Big Ben and all that, but the town most of his family lives in is super tiny and cute, I hope the starting towns are going to be very similar to that. There’s even this little walk to a cavern very close to there that we always go to, so it would be super cool if something like that were in the games (although, they’d have to omit all the swearing and swastikas that were spray painted onto there)

Apart from that, obviously people are worried about these games being super linear because the region just looks that way, but honestly... if you’ve been playing Pokemon at all, you know that the shape of the region doesn’t make it linear. It will probably always be linear, and personally I’m okay with that. I remember playing through Firered, and getting annoyed at either not knowing where to go and having to look it up, or doing things slightly out of order, meaning my Pokemon would be either over or underleveled for the thing I had to do. I do sometimes just want to coast along, training and battling Pokemon. Maybe they’ll make an open world spinoff one day, but as it stands I can enjoy the usual formula.

Speaking of usual, Gyms are back! I did enjoy Trials, but I think Gyms can scratch the same itch with just a little bit of tweaking. That is, maybe the Leaders can all be a two-on-one battle, so they can more intricate strategies. Also, maybe the Gyms themselves can involve subsequent battles, so you can’t just knock out one trainer, heal, and easily knock out the next one. I mean, here I am just trying to adhere to what other people probably want. Honestly, I’m okay with how it was, and wouldn’t be mad at it staying that way. It was slightly more engaging when the Totem Pokemon had a more special strategy, such as the Chlorophyll Lurantis with Solar Blade and a Sunny Day Castform. THAT was one hell of a challenge. Of course, the Trials themselves were all total cakewalks, but the challenge with the Totem fights sort of balanced that out.

As for the graphics, they look amazing. The only thing I’m a little iffy about it all is that they’re using the same models over again, but I think they’ll have different animations, because of the Minccino in the trailer? Honestly I don’t know, because I’ve pretty much never seen a Minccino in action in model form. I just hope Pokemon like Xatu, Salamence, and others finally stand on the floor now instead of constantly flying all the time. If that alone is solved, I will be completely fine with it. They just don’t look like they should be doing that... Overall, though, the way they’re lighting and shading them all at least will make it seem different enough where I won’t care too much.

The female protag is a total cutie, as you’d expect, so that’s great. I love how much p��o̶r̶n̶  fanart there is of her already. I’m also loving all the memes of her having an over-the-top British/Scottish accent, and shouting super British insults at the Lass she fought in the trailer...

The Starters:

I feel like they’re going to grow on me, because the initial reaction to the Alolan starters was a bit iffy at first, but once I started to see them in action, I started to like them. Obviously these Pokemon are so big that you just hope they’re going to fit with everything. Also, I definitely think part of it is me worrying that other people won’t like them, as opposed to just thinking about whether I like them. I definitely have a problem with that, especially when it comes to Pokemon. I do like them all, but I don’t feel it on the surface just because of all that...

Scorbunny:

Not really into the name, but I am 100% going to pick him. I’ll probably just nickname him Flambino, or Orville (after my rabbit toon in Toontown~). I was initially a bit put off by his giant, cartoony rabbit feet, but as I saw more and more fanart of him, I seriously started to love every part of him. The little patches/bandaids on him were a really nice touch.

As for what he may turn into, my hopes are for him to turn into some kind of Soccer (or Football, since this is England) player. The clues are there, since he’s a fast runner and there’s a lot of exaggeration on his feet. But, there is that one leak where he may turn into some kind of rocket rabbit? The idea is pretty cool, but the thing looks a little too much like Lopunny in my opinion to be reliably real... I love Lopunny to death, mind you, but I would rather have a rabbit with a slightly different look to it. It matches up with the idea that the way they’re introduced in the trailer hints at what types they’ll be, since Scorbunny was running up a steel watermill(?) and jumped really high, referencing how it’d become an airborne steel type. I’m really only considering this leak because of the leak of Incineroar, Primarina, and Decidueye last gen. That really caught me off guard, and the artstyle of Rabbirocket (name pending) really does seem to match the concept art artstyle...

It’s funny, though, because I’ve always favored either the water type or to a lesser extent the grass type of a generation, but this is the first time where the fire type is my first choice. I guess we’ll just have to wait to see what they turn into, though, before I decide for sure.

Grookey:

Honestly, I think Grookey has the most potential of the three. He seems reminiscent of Braixen, since he has a little stick as a weapon/tool, and people really seem divided on what he’ll turn into. On one hand, people think he might turn into a drummer whose music makes plants grow, since that’s essentially how he did it in the trailer. But, he might also be like a witchdoctor, and has plant-growing magic. The last idea plays into the idea that the starters are based off of sports, like where Scorbunny is Football, making Grookey either Baseball, Hockey, or Cricket. I don’t know what sport Sobble would be, but chances are it’ll become more clear as they evolve. The last interesting idea is that he’ll represent the evolution of the human race, starting with an ape, turning into some sort of Neanderthal/Caveman, and then into a normal human. Either way, the trailer suggests he’ll turn into a rock type. Really, He’s my second choice for sure. 

Sobble:

Currently in last place, but obviously that can change in time. I’m just not as into his proportions as much, but obviously they’ll change as he evolves. It would be cool to have a true iguana Pokemon, since Keckleon is a little off of the norm. He definitely seems like he’s going to turn into a ghost type, since he can turn invisible, and it plays into the idea that he’s shy (ala. the Boos from Mario)

One really funny thing that people noticed about the starters is how they’re sort of similar in some design aspects to the Powerpuff girls, with Scorbunny’s ears looking like Blossom’s bow, Grookey’s ears (horns?) looking like Buttercup’s hair, and the pattern on Sobble’s face looking like Bubbles’ hair. I wouldn’t have instantly dismissed it if the colors didn’t also match up. Whether or not it’s true, it is a funny coincidence.

[ryanmeft]

Alpha Movie Review

I’m always in for any story that gives me a bit of obscure history, no matter how fictional. If that story is going to jump back to prehistoric days in an age when most people seem to think the world began with their birth? And involve an entire invented language for the sake of authenticity? And recreate such a forgotten age with as few concessions to romantic fantasy as possible? Well, it’s going to ring not a few of my nerd bells. If none of that interests you, the movie also has dogs.

In 20,000 BC, in an unrecognizable Europe during the ice age, a group of human hunters approach a herd of bison, slowly, on their stomachs. The bison realize their danger and charge. There is a face-off, and Keda (Kodi Smit-McPhee), son of the tribe’s chief Tau (Johannes Haukur Johannesson), is thrown off a cliff. This shot is inflicted with the curse of slow-motion, and I worried this would be a film that does not have the courage in its shots to present them unadorned. Fortunately, this is one of only two scenes with any kind of unnecessary gimmickry thrown in; most of the movie is stark and direct, as life in those times would have been. Keda survives the initial fall but loses his grip and ends up unconscious on a jutting piece of stone halfway up the sheer cliff face.

Two hundred centuries later, we can get in our cars at the top of such an imposing edifice and be at the bottom 20 minutes later, safe and sound. The film makes it seem like Keda has been thrown into another world. He has. His father and tribe have no choice but to leave him for dead. Johannesson is not in most of the film, but his reaction here is crucial, as the stoic chief, distraught, has to be prevented from suicidally climbing down after his son. Another tribesman comforts him with kindness, assuring him their sons (his had died before the movie began) will walk together in the afterlife. It is an unfortunate tendency of the modern world that we seem to believe it was only recently that people began caring for their families, and that not so long ago children were glorified crop pickers. We can’t know for sure how paleolithic man behaved, but things like caves and graves have yielded proof that social bonds were important. Keda, to this point, has not been great at hunting, and cannot bring himself to kill wounded animals, but there are no cliche villains, insisting they forget about the useless child. They are reluctant to tear Tau away from the cliff face for an entire night.

It’s that sort of heart that lets the film win you over, well before the promised canine connections come into play. On posters, the movie bills itself as an origin story of the buddy system between dogs and humans. It is, of course, likely to be largely fictional in that regard. The boy wakes, high on the cliff, and tries to climb down but ends up dangling with nowhere to go. A torrential rainstorm turns the valley into a temporary river, a regular occurrence in the days before dams, and he is swept in, waking up in an unfamiliar wilderness. Full disclosure: I’m an absolute sucker for things like this. My earliest experience with epics was a video game where the characters are separated and lost multiple times, and I liked Pixar’s The Good DInosaur much more than you did, in part because it involved a character lost somewhere in nowhere. The boy sleeps in trees to avoid predators, and eats insects and plants. It is the stuff of ordinary survival. The camera work of Martin Gschlacht rarely announces itself, letting us vanish into an ancient world rather then reminding us there is a man filming there. And then the wolves come.

Mythology has long fascinated me, and the wolf has probably been a supporting character in more myths, across more of the world, than any other animal. As I watched, my mind began to cast the story into legend. It went something like this: Once, long ago when the mammoth walked and the world was cold, a boy became lost. He was attacked by wolf, but he wounded him. Yet boy did not kill wolf. Boy nursed wolf back to health, and wolf walked with boy, who was now Man. Man and dog have been walking together since. The actual process was probably slow and took many generations of men and wolves, but that’s not as exciting. Keda and the wolf, who he names Alpha, slowly develop a bond. Director Albert Hughes (From Hell, The Book of Eli), who works from his own story, and screenwriter Daniele Sebastian Wiedenhaupt cannot resist nodding at us. Knowing smiles will result when Keda angrily throws a stick at Alpha, and Alpha picks it up. These things take time, though, and many snarls and an attack attempt or two from the wounded wolf.

The movie is patient and, realistically, lacks any place for significant female roles (Natassia Malthe and Leonor Varela have small parts as, respectively, Keda’s mother Rho and a shaman, the latter of which would have been more likely in the days before civilization decided a woman was best silent). This almost guarantees it will not be a financial success in an era when there are only a few ways to effectively market a movie. Alpha bucks all of them; despite the ads making it seem like a studio project, it is an effort that real people wanted to see happen, and believed in. Those there because they love dogs may not care about the craft and detail that went in. If you’re more inclined to do so, notice the people’s clothing. It lacks serious bling, but neither is it a haphazard collection of hides and furs, thrown together. Each layer appears to serve a function. The world, which is really various Canadian and Icelandic locations with a few sets, is so empty and at times still the silence might drive modern man, used to incessant and needless noise, mad. Yet the most astounding technical feat is the creation of a fictional language. There’s not a speck of English or any other modern vocabulary in the film. Instead, the characters speak something based on the languages that eventually diversified into those of Europe and India, constructed by University of British Columbia professor Christine Schreyer. It seems like “Best Invented Language” is a bit too niche to have an Oscar category, but Schreyer’s efforts make a strong case for it. Do not expect cliche grunts and groans from an old caveman cartoon, for every sound uttered sounds like a real word that means something, and patterns are repeated just like a living language, so after a time we stop noticing we’re reading subtitles. Similarly, the characters do not jump up and down or shout as a matter of common practice. You will find no prehistoric cliches in this movie.

The acting comes down, since he is alone except for the wolf for most of the movie, to Smit-Mcphee. None of the previous roles I’ve seen him in have suggested whether he could handle such a subtle and unusual role. He can. Though he has a language to speak, this was long before the days in which men wrote sonnets and novels, and even for a sensitive lad he sticks to the basics: what he needs, where he has to go, that sort of thing. The entire absence of humor or levity among the hunters struck me as odd, since knowing anything about people suggests we’ve always liked a good laugh, but it is a minor quibble. McPhee handles Keda’s journey perfectly. He and Alpha learn to hunt, but at no point does he become someone who kills as second nature. At the end of the journey, he is still himself, but a wiser version of himself. That journey can be appreciated if you simply like dogs. It can be appreciated more if you have fondness for history and myth, and old-fashioned adventure stories.

Verdict: Highly Recommended

Note: I don’t use stars, but here are my possible verdicts. I suppose you could consider each one as adding a star.

Must-See

Highly Recommended

Recommended

Average

Not Recommended

Avoid like the Plague

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All images are property of the people what own the movie.

[unsettlingshortstories]

A Sound of Thunder

Ray Bradbury (1952)

The sign on the wall seemed to quaver under a film of sliding warm water. Eckels felt his eyelids blink over his stare, and the sign burned in this momentary darkness:

TIME SAFARI, INC.

SAFARIS TO ANY YEAR IN THE PAST.

YOU NAME THE ANIMAL.

WE TAKE YOU THERE.

YOU SHOOT IT.

Warm phlegm gathered in Eckels' throat; he swallowed and pushed it down. The muscles around his mouth formed a smile as he put his hand slowly out upon the air, and in that hand waved a check for ten thousand dollars to the man behind the desk.

"Does this safari guarantee I come back alive?"

"We guarantee nothing," said the official, "except the dinosaurs." He turned. "This is Mr. Travis, your Safari Guide in the Past. He'll tell you what and where to shoot. If he says no shooting, no shooting. If you disobey instructions, there's a stiff penalty of another ten thousand dollars, plus possible government action, on your return."

Eckels glanced across the vast office at a mass and tangle, a snaking and humming of wires and steel boxes, at an aurora that flickered now orange, now silver, now blue. There was a sound like a gigantic bonfire burning all of Time, all the years and all the parchment calendars, all the hours piled high and set aflame.

A touch of the hand and this burning would, on the instant, beautifully reverse itself. Eckels remembered the wording in the advertisements to the letter. Out of chars and ashes, out of dust and coals, like golden salamanders, the old years, the green years, might leap; roses sweeten the air, white hair turn Irish­-black, wrinkles vanish; all, everything fly back to seed, flee death, rush down to their beginnings, suns rise in western skies and set in glorious easts, moons eat themselves opposite to the custom, all and everything cupping one in another like Chinese boxes, rabbits into hats, all and everything returning to the fresh death, the seed death, the green death, to the time before the beginning. A touch of a hand might do it, the merest touch of a hand.

"Unbelievable." Eckels breathed, the light of the Machine on his thin face. "A real Time Machine." He shook his head. "Makes you think, If the election had gone badly yesterday, I might be here now running away from the results. Thank God Keith won. He'll make a fine President of the United States."

"Yes," said the man behind the desk. "We're lucky. If Deutscher had gotten in, we'd have the worst kind of dictatorship. There's an anti-everything man for you, a militarist, anti-­Christ, anti-­human, anti­-intellectual. People called us up, you know, joking but not joking. Said if Deutscher became President they wanted to go live in 1492. Of course it's not our business to conduct Escapes, but to form Safaris. Anyway, Keith's President now. All you got to worry about is­"

"Shooting my dinosaur," Eckels finished it for him.

"A Tyrannosaurus Rex. The Tyrant Lizard, the most incredible monster in history. Sign this release. Anything happens to you, we're not responsible. Those dinosaurs are hungry."

Eckels flushed angrily. "Trying to scare me!"

"Frankly, yes. We don't want anyone going who'll panic at the first shot. Six Safari leaders were killed last year, and a dozen hunters. We're here to give you the severest thrill a real hunter ever asked for. Traveling you back sixty million years to bag the biggest game in all of Time. Your personal check's still there. Tear it up."Mr. Eckels looked at the check. His fingers twitched.

"Good luck," said the man behind the desk. "Mr. Travis, he's all yours."

They moved silently across the room, taking their guns with them, toward the Machine, toward the silver metal and the roaring light.

First a day and then a night and then a day and then a night, then it was day--­night--­day--­night. A week, a month, a year, a decade! A.D. 2055. A.D. 2019. 1999! 1957! Gone! The Machine roared.

They put on their oxygen helmets and tested the intercoms.

Eckels swayed on the padded seat, his face pale, his jaw stiff. He felt the trembling in his arms and he looked down and found his hands tight on the new rifle. There were four other men in the Machine. Travis, the Safari Leader, his assistant, Lesperance, and two other hunters, Billings and Kramer. They sat looking at each other, and the years blazed around them.

"Can these guns get a dinosaur cold?" Eckels felt his mouth saying.

"If you hit them right," said Travis on the helmet radio. "Some dinosaurs have two brains, one in the head, another far down the spinal column. We stay away from those. That's stretching luck. Put your first two shots into the eyes, if you can, blind them, and go back into the brain." The Machine howled. Time was a film run backward. Suns fled and ten million moons fled after them. "Think," said Eckels. "Every hunter that ever lived would envy us today. This makes Africa seem like Illinois."

The Machine slowed; its scream fell to a murmur. The Machine stopped.

The sun stopped in the sky.

The fog that had enveloped the Machine blew away and they were in an old time, a very old time indeed, three hunters and two Safari Heads with their blue metal guns across their knees.

"Christ isn't born yet," said Travis, "Moses has not gone to the mountains to talk with God. The

Pyramids are still in the earth, waiting to be cut out and put up. Remember that. Alexander, Caesar, Napoleon, Hitler­--none of them exists." The man nodded.

"That" ­ Mr. Travis pointed ­ "is the jungle of sixty million two thousand and fifty­-five years before President Keith."

He indicated a metal path that struck off into green wilderness, over streaming swamp, among giant ferns and palms.

"And that," he said, "is the Path, laid by Time Safari for your use,

It floats six inches above the earth. Doesn't touch so much as one grass blade, flower, or tree. It's an anti­gravity metal. Its purpose is to keep you from touching this world of the past in any way. Stay on the Path. Don't go off it. I repeat. Don't go off. For any reason! If you fall off, there's a penalty. And don't shoot any animal we don't okay."

"Why?" asked Eckels.

They sat in the ancient wilderness. Far birds' cries blew on a wind, and the smell of tar and an old salt sea, moist grasses, and flowers the color of blood.

"We don't want to change the Future. We don't belong here in the Past. The government doesn't like us here. We have to pay big graft to keep our franchise. A Time Machine is finicky business. Not knowing it, we might kill an important animal, a small bird, a roach, a flower even, thus destroying an important link in a growing species."

"That's not clear," said Eckels.

"All right," Travis continued, "say we accidentally kill one mouse here. That means all the future families of this one particular mouse are destroyed, right?"

"Right"

"And all the families of the families of the families of that one mouse! With a stamp of your foot, you annihilate first one, then a dozen, then a thousand, a million, a billion possible mice!"

"So they're dead," said Eckels. "So what?"

"So what?" Travis snorted quietly. "Well, what about the foxes that'll need those mice to survive? For want of ten mice, a fox dies. For want of ten foxes a lion starves. For want of a lion, all manner of insects, vultures, infinite billions of life forms are thrown into chaos and destruction. Eventually it all boils down to this: fifty-­nine million years later, a caveman, one of a dozen on the entire world, goes hunting wild boar or saber-­toothed tiger for food. But you, friend, have stepped on all the tigers in that region. By stepping on one single mouse. So the caveman starves. And the caveman, please note, is not just any expendable man, no! He is an entire future nation. From his loins would have sprung ten sons. From their loins one hundred sons, and thus onward to a civilization. Destroy this one man, and you destroy a race, a people, an entire history of life. It is comparable to slaying some of Adam's grandchildren. The stomp of your foot, on one mouse, could start an earthquake, the effects of which could shake our earth and destinies down through Time, to their very foundations. With the death of that one caveman, a billion others yet unborn are throttled in the womb. Perhaps Rome never rises on its seven hills. Perhaps Europe is forever a dark forest, and only Asia waxes healthy and teeming. Step on a mouse and you crush the Pyramids. Step on a mouse and you leave your print, like a Grand Canyon, across Eternity. Queen Elizabeth might never be born, Washington might not cross the Delaware, there might never be a United States at all. So be careful. Stay on the Path. Never step off!"

"I see," said Eckels. "Then it wouldn't pay for us even to touch the grass?"

"Correct. Crushing certain plants could add up infinitesimally. A little error here would multiply in sixty million years, all out of proportion. Of course maybe our theory is wrong. Maybe Time can't be changed by us. Or maybe it can be changed only in little subtle ways. A dead mouse here makes an insect imbalance there, a population disproportion later, a bad harvest further on, a depression, mass starvation, and finally, a change in social temperament in far-­flung countries. Something much more subtle, like that. Perhaps only a soft breath, a whisper, a hair, pollen on the air, such a slight, slight change that unless you looked close you wouldn't see it. Who knows? Who really can say he knows? We don't know. We're guessing. But until we do know for certain whether our messing around in Time can make a big roar or a little rustle in history, we're being careful. This Machine, this Path, your clothing and bodies, were sterilized, as you know, before the journey. We wear these oxygen helmets so we can't introduce our bacteria into an ancient atmosphere."

"How do we know which animals to shoot?"

"They're marked with red paint," said Travis. "Today, before our journey, we sent Lesperance here back with the Machine. He came to this particular era and followed certain animals." "Studying them?"

"Right," said Lesperance. "I track them through their entire existence, noting which of them lives longest. Very few. How many times they mate. Not often. Life's short, When I find one that's going to die when a tree falls on him, or one that drowns in a tar pit, I note the exact hour, minute, and second. I shoot a paint bomb. It leaves a red patch on his side. We can't miss it. Then I correlate our arrival in the Past so that we meet the Monster not more than two minutes before he would have died anyway. This way, we kill only animals with no future, that are never going to mate again. You see how careful we are?"

"But if you come back this morning in Time," said Eckels eagerly, you must've bumped into us, our Safari! How did it turn out? Was it successful? Did all of us get through--­alive?"

Travis and Lesperance gave each other a look.

"That'd be a paradox," said the latter. "Time doesn't permit that sort of mess--­a man meeting himself. When such occasions threaten, Time steps aside. Like an airplane hitting an air pocket. You felt the Machine jump just before we stopped? That was us passing ourselves on the way back to the Future. We saw nothing. There's no way of telling if this expedition was a success, if we got our monster, or whether all of us ­ meaning you, Mr. Eckels ­ got out alive."

Eckels smiled palely.

"Cut that," said Travis sharply. "Everyone on his feet!"

They were ready to leave the Machine.

The jungle was high and the jungle was broad and the jungle was the entire world forever and forever. Sounds like music and sounds like flying tents filled the sky, and those were pterodactyls soaring with cavernous gray wings, gigantic bats of delirium and night fever. Eckels, balanced on the narrow Path, aimed his rifle playfully.

"Stop that!" said Travis. "Don't even aim for fun, blast you! If your guns should go off ­ ­ "

Eckels flushed. "Where's our Tyrannosaurus?"

Lesperance checked his wristwatch. "Up ahead, We'll bisect his trail in sixty seconds. Look for the red paint! Don't shoot till we give the word. Stay on the Path. Stay on the Path!"

They moved forward in the wind of morning.

"Strange," murmured Eckels. "Up ahead, sixty million years, Election Day over. Keith made President. Everyone celebrating. And here we are, a million years lost, and they don't exist. The things we worried about for months, a lifetime, not even born or thought of yet."

"Safety catches off, everyone!" ordered Travis. "You, first shot, Eckels. Second, Billings, Third, Kramer."

"I've hunted tiger, wild boar, buffalo, elephant, but now, this is it," said Eckels. "I'm shaking like a kid."

"Ah," said Travis.

Everyone stopped.

Travis raised his hand. "Ahead," he whispered. "In the mist. There he is. There's His Royal Majesty now."

The jungle was wide and full of twitterings, rustlings, murmurs, and sighs.

Suddenly it all ceased, as if someone had shut a door.

Silence.

A sound of thunder.

Out of the mist, one hundred yards away, came Tyrannosaurus Rex.

"It," whispered Eckels. "It......"

"Sh!"

It came on great oiled, resilient, striding legs. It towered thirty feet above half of the trees, a great evil god, folding its delicate watchmaker's claws close to its oily reptilian chest. Each lower leg was a piston, a thousand pounds of white bone, sunk in thick ropes of muscle, sheathed over in a gleam of pebbled skin like the mail of a terrible warrior. Each thigh was a ton of meat, ivory, and steel mesh. And from the great breathing cage of the upper body those two delicate arms dangled out front, arms with hands which might pick up and examine men like toys, while the snake neck coiled. And the head itself, a ton of sculptured stone, lifted easily upon the sky. Its mouth gaped, exposing a fence of teeth like daggers. Its eyes rolled, ostrich eggs, empty of all expression save hunger. It closed its mouth in a death grin. It ran, its pelvic bones crushing aside trees and bushes, its taloned feet clawing damp earth, leaving prints six inches deep wherever it settled its weight.

It ran with a gliding ballet step, far too poised and balanced for its ten tons. It moved into a sunlit area warily, its beautifully reptilian hands feeling the air.

"Why, why," Eckels twitched his mouth. "It could reach up and grab the moon."

"Sh!" Travis jerked angrily. "He hasn't seen us yet."

"It can't be killed," Eckels pronounced this verdict quietly, as if there could be no argument. He had weighed the evidence and this was his considered opinion. The rifle in his hands seemed a cap gun. "We were fools to come. This is impossible."

"Shut up!" hissed Travis.

"Nightmare."

"Turn around," commanded Travis. "Walk quietly to the Machine. We'll remit half your fee."

"I didn't realize it would be this big," said Eckels. "I miscalculated, that's all. And now I want out."

"It sees us!"

"There's the red paint on its chest!"

The Tyrant Lizard raised itself. Its armored flesh glittered like a thousand green coins. The coins, crusted with slime, steamed. In the slime, tiny insects wriggled, so that the entire body seemed to twitch and undulate, even while the monster itself did not move. It exhaled. The stink of raw flesh blew down the wilderness.

"Get me out of here," said Eckels. "It was never like this before. I was always sure I'd come through alive. I had good guides, good safaris, and safety. This time, I figured wrong. I've met my match and admit it. This is too much for me to get hold of."

"Don't run," said Lesperance. "Turn around. Hide in the Machine."

"Yes." Eckels seemed to be numb. He looked at his feet as if trying to make them move. He gave a grunt of helplessness.

"Eckels!"

He took a few steps, blinking, shuffling.

"Not that way!"

The Monster, at the first motion, lunged forward with a terrible scream. It covered one hundred yards in six seconds. The rifles jerked up and blazed fire. A windstorm from the beast's mouth engulfed them in the stench of slime and old blood. The Monster roared, teeth glittering with sun.

The rifles cracked again, Their sound was lost in shriek and lizard thunder. The great level of the reptile's tail swung up, lashed sideways. Trees exploded in clouds of leaf and branch. The Monster twitched its jeweler's hands down to fondle at the men, to twist them in half, to crush them like berries, to cram them into its teeth and its screaming throat. Its boulder-stone eyes leveled with the men. They saw themselves mirrored. They fired at the metallic eyelids and the blazing black iris,

Like a stone idol, like a mountain avalanche, Tyrannosaurus fell.

Thundering, it clutched trees, pulled them with it. It wrenched and tore the metal Path. The men flung themselves back and away. The body hit, ten tons of cold flesh and stone. The guns fired. The Monster lashed its armored tail, twitched its snake jaws, and lay still. A fount of blood spurted from its throat. Somewhere inside, a sac of fluids burst. Sickening gushes drenched the hunters. They stood, red and glistening.

The thunder faded.

The jungle was silent. After the avalanche, a green peace. After the nightmare, morning. Billings and Kramer sat on the pathway and threw up. Travis and Lesperance stood with smoking rifles, cursing steadily. In the Time Machine, on his face, Eckels lay shivering. He had found his way back to the Path, climbed into the Machine.

Travis came walking, glanced at Eckels, took cotton gauze from a metal box, and returned to the others, who were sitting on the Path.

"Clean up."

They wiped the blood from their helmets. They began to curse too. The Monster lay, a hill of solid flesh. Within, you could hear the sighs and murmurs as the furthest chambers of it died, the organs malfunctioning, liquids running a final instant from pocket to sac to spleen, everything shutting off, closing up forever. It was like standing by a wrecked locomotive or a steam shovel at quitting time, all valves being released or levered tight. Bones cracked; the tonnage of its own flesh, off balance, dead weight, snapped the delicate forearms, caught underneath. The meat settled, quivering.

Another cracking sound. Overhead, a gigantic tree branch broke from its heavy mooring, fell. It crashed upon the dead beast with finality.

"There." Lesperance checked his watch. "Right on time. That's the giant tree that was scheduled to fall and kill this animal originally." He glanced at the two hunters. "You want the trophy picture?"

"What?"

"We can't take a trophy back to the Future. The body has to stay right here where it would have died originally, so the insects, birds, and bacteria can get at it, as they were intended to. Everything in balance. The body stays. But we can take a picture of you standing near it." The two men tried to think, but gave up, shaking their heads.

They let themselves be led along the metal Path. They sank wearily into the Machine cushions. They gazed back at the ruined Monster, the stagnating mound, where already strange reptilian birds and golden insects were busy at the steaming armor. A sound on the floor of the Time Machine stiffened them. Eckels sat there, shivering.

"I'm sorry," he said at last.

"Get up!" cried Travis.

Eckels got up.

"Go out on that Path alone," said Travis. He had his rifle pointed, "You're not coming back in the Machine. We're leaving you here!"

Lesperance seized Travis's arm. "Wait.­"

"Stay out of this!" Travis shook his hand away. "This fool nearly killed us. But it isn't that so much, no. It's his shoes! Look at them! He ran off the Path. That ruins us! We'll forfeit! Thousands of dollars of insurance! We guarantee no one leaves the Path. He left it. Oh, the fool! I'll have to report to the government. They might revoke our license to travel. Who knows what he's done to Time, to History!"

"Take it easy, all he did was kick up some dirt."

"How do we know?" cried Travis. "We don't know anything! It's all a mystery! Get out of here, Eckels!"

Eckels fumbled his shirt. "I'll pay anything. A hundred thousand dollars!"

Travis glared at Eckels' checkbook and spat. "Go out there. The Monster's next to the Path. Stick your arms up to your elbows in his mouth. Then you can come back with us."

"That's unreasonable!"

"The Monster's dead, you idiot. The bullets! The bullets can't be left behind. They don't belong in the Past; they might change anything. Here's my knife. Dig them out!"

The jungle was alive again, full of the old tremorings and bird cries. Eckels turned slowly to regard the primeval garbage dump, that hill of nightmares and terror. After a long time, like a sleepwalker he shuffled out along the Path.

He returned, shuddering, five minutes later, his arms soaked and red to the elbows. He held out his hands. Each held a number of steel bullets. Then he fell. He lay where he fell, not moving.

"You didn't have to make him do that," said Lesperance.

"Didn't I? It's too early to tell." Travis nudged the still body. "He'll live. Next time he won't go hunting game like this. Okay." He jerked his thumb wearily at Lesperance. "Switch on. Let's go home."

1492. 1776. 1812.

They cleaned their hands and faces. They changed their caking shirts and pants. Eckels was up and around again, not speaking. Travis glared at him for a full ten minutes.

"Don't look at me," cried Eckels. "I haven't done anything."

"Who can tell?"

"Just ran off the Path, that's all, a little mud on my shoes­--what do you want me to do--­get down and pray?"

"We might need it. I'm warning you, Eckels, I might kill you yet. I've got my gun ready."

"I'm innocent. I've done nothing!"

1999.2000.2055.

The Machine stopped.

"Get out," said Travis.

The room was there as they had left it. But not the same as they had left it. The same man sat behind the same desk. But the same man did not quite sit behind the same desk. Travis looked around swiftly. "Everything okay here?" he snapped.

"Fine. Welcome home!"

Travis did not relax. He seemed to be looking through the one high window.

"Okay, Eckels, get out. Don't ever come back." Eckels could not move. "You heard me," said Travis. "What're you staring at?"

Eckels stood smelling of the air, and there was a thing to the air, a chemical taint so subtle, so slight, that only a faint cry of his subliminal senses warned him it was there. The colors, white, gray, blue, orange, in the wall, in the furniture, in the sky beyond the window, were . . . were . . . . And there was a feel. His flesh twitched. His hands twitched. He stood drinking the oddness with the pores of his body. Somewhere, someone must have been screaming one of those whistles that only a dog can hear. His body screamed silence in return. Beyond this room, beyond this wall, beyond this man who was not quite the same man seated at this desk that was not quite the same desk . . . lay an entire world of streets and people. What sort of world it was now, there was no telling. He could feel them moving there, beyond the walls, almost, like so many chess pieces blown in a dry wind ....

But the immediate thing was the sign painted on the office wall, the same sign he had read earlier today on first entering. Somehow, the sign had changed:

TYME SEFARI INC.

SEFARIS TU ANY YEER EN THE PAST.

YU NAIM THE ANIMALL.

WEE TAEK YU THAIR.

YU SHOOT ITT.

Eckels felt himself fall into a chair. He fumbled crazily at the thick slime on his boots. He held up a clod of dirt, trembling, "No, it can't be. Not a little thing like that. No!"

Embedded in the mud, glistening green and gold and black, was a butterfly, very beautiful and very dead.

"Not a little thing like that! Not a butterfly!" cried Eckels.

It fell to the floor, an exquisite thing, a small thing that could upset balances and knock down a line of small dominoes and then big dominoes and then gigantic dominoes, all down the years across Time. Eckels' mind whirled. It couldn't change things. Killing one butterfly couldn't be that important! Could it?

His face was cold. His mouth trembled, asking: "Who ­ who won the presidential election yesterday?"

The man behind the desk laughed. "You joking? You know very well. Deutscher, of course! Who else? Not that fool weakling Keith. We got an iron man now, a man with guts!" The official stopped. "What's wrong?"

Eckels moaned. He dropped to his knees. He scrabbled at the golden butterfly with shaking fingers. "Can't we," he pleaded to the world, to himself, to the officials, to the Machine, "can't we take it back, can't we make it alive again? Can't we start over? Can't we­"

He did not move. Eyes shut, he waited, shivering. He heard Travis breathe loud in the room; he heard Travis shift his rifle, click the safety catch, and raise the weapon.

There was a sound of thunder.

[chefbarry]

The Foodie Files, The Final Chapter, Zucchini Bellpepper, Writer of Wrongdoing, Takes a Knee

My last case almost did me in. I was still having nightmares about it and my left big toe was broken for some reason I cannot recall. I don’t really want to get into it here, as I’m trying to move past it, or some other gobbledygook my therapist calls it, but it involved a large shipment of oysters that were way past their prime, the Reno chapter of the Chicago mob (more on that later), and an underage health inspector working his way through community college.

I’ve been thinking it’s time to retire, or whatever retired people do, when they go back into the workforce — run a sketchy private eye firm that moves offices every six months due to questionable arson and fake subpoenas and overdue bills that keep showing up in the mail — and then try to retire again. Take my gal, Raspberry Cardamom, on a long trip around southeast Asia, maybe even open up another office there in some old abandoned warehouse on the edge of sketch, but I’m digressing, and daydreaming again, or what my therapist calls, “dis-projecting”. My lady. She saves me from myself, I’m thrilled to know her — yet disturbed why she wants to hang with me — but I’m trying not to ask too many questions anymore.  

So, I had to move to Reno after the previous warehouse incident. I wasn’t even there at the time, but am being sued by my landlord now. I’m trying to work off the damages by helping his college dropout son get into the business. Another reason to skip town, more like skip country, close up shop, maybe write my memoirs, or at least eat a good taco. Plus, the Chicago mob has their eye on me for some reason. Maybe it’s that old hot dog case I never solved. I know it stirred things up back in the day when I was first getting gum on my shoe.

I had to leave before another fire broke out. My landlord would be happy to see me go anyway. There was a clause in the lease about maximum undesirables on the property in a given day, something my lawyer couldn’t even explain. I was packing up my things, and getting ready to seal the envelope with my office key, when they waltzed in. Three of them. Long multi-colored hair, nose rings, Crocs, and “the ‘tude”.

I said, “Sorry, I was just leaving, actually leaving for good, I don’t take any new appointments.  “Are you Zucchini Bell-something?”, one of the somber ones said. “Yes, I am”, I said, not bothering to correct her. “Who are you?” She spoke up, obviously taking the lead, “I’m Kite, these are my friends, Vikan and Paolo. We heard about you from Avocado Toast. She says you straightened things out for her, saved her from the paparazzi, and such.” Avocado used to be my secretary, and was best friends with Raspberry. If she recommended these stragglers, I could at least hear what they had to say.

The taller one, Vikan I think, spoke up. “We’re all from California, Orange County. Our parents all went to high school together, and we sort of all grew up together. Lately, we have been having some real problems with all the actors, musicians, fitness instructors, so-called nutrition experts, and models out there. We came here to get away, but we have to keep moving. We think they are following us. You’re our last hope, Zucchini!”

I sat down. “OK, what’s the problem?” I asked. Vikan continued, “So we all sort of are in this band, play small clubs from time to time, so a lot of people know us, but lately it’s been getting out of hand. After a set we get bombarded with crazed and scary-looking folks. They’re obviously not fans. They look hungry and angry.” “Describe them to me”, I said, getting intrigued. He said, “Well, they talk really fast, are not in the clubs to drink any alcohol, and don’t even snack on the free pretzels at the bar. They come over to us and start blaming us for waking up hungry, having nightmares, and one of them said on time, that she stared at her cats for too long one time, whatever that means.

“We’ve never seen these people before, and the celebrities started to have their people call our people, really our parents, to complain about something called self-cannibalism, cravings for Cuban food, and the boredom of lettuce wraps. We have no idea what they are talking about. We’re trying to put out some good music, and, sure we all eat at different restaurants, which we’ve always done, but...”

“Wait a minute!”, I said seeing where this was going, “I think I know what’s going on. Why don’t you all have a seat?” Paolo spoke up, “Do you really think you can help us? I mean, we have to get back to California, we have shows lined up, but are kind of scared to go back there.” I said, “Here’s what’s happening. I don’t think you know what kind of effect you have on the world at large.” Vikan got excited, “Do you mean our latest record? I know it’s just a demo, but wow!” “No”, I said, “This has nothing to do with music. It’s your names and what they are causing. Do you know why your parents gave you those names?” Paolo replied, “I mean they said they wanted to name us after something special that happened in their lives, but never really told us about it. They seem like normal names to us I guess.”

I went on, “You see there are these food fads that have been out for some time, and though they might help people at first, they aren’t sustainable, and can actually do some damage. Paolo, you were named after the Paleo Diet, which your parents probably were on at the time you were born. It’s very confusing, it’s supposed to mimic what humans ate during caveman times. It makes some good points about how agriculture wasn’t developed yet, and food was hunted and gathered for survival. But we have adapted since then, our digestive system has developed, our DNA has evolved, and there weren’t any food processors back then, so how did they make orange sesame sauce or zucchini noodles? Plus, there can be many vitamin deficiencies related to this diet, and high levels of saturated fat and protein, which can be toxic. Plus, I don’t trust any diets that say you can’t have hummus and pita chips.”

I turned to Kite next and said, “You have it a little harder, toots. Imagine being on a Paleo Diet, then being forced to live inside a garbage bag with no air circulation. You were named after the Keto Diet, sadly. This diet has everyone turning into zombies. It’s even more restrictive with higher levels of saturated fat and protein, and only the lowest-carbohydrate vegetables like lettuces, greens and broccoli. It forces your body to lose weight artificially from not only stored fat being used as fuel, but your body losing muscle and tissue mass as well. So, you think you are losing weight, but some of the weight is actually part of your body. After a couple weeks there could also be permanent liver and other organ damage. 

“A lot of these diets were created by “nutrition experts” that were trying to sell books and supplement programs, and not really concerned with an overall healthy lifestyle eating program. Plus, I don’t trust any diets that say you can’t have your morning oatmeal with blueberries, c’mon! I gotta keep regular ya know?!”

Vikan turned to me and said, “What about me, Zucchini? I mean my parents seem like they eat normally, we just don’t eat any meat or fish or seafood or turkey or dairy or eggs or anything fun. We seem to have a lot of potlucks, though, with foods that come in oval-shaped ceramic baking dishes. I love me a rockin’ scrambled tofu!”

I had texted my squeeze, Raspberry, after these scoundrels first walked in, and had her stand in line for a couple of hours at one of these joints that sells chicken sandwiches. I knew we’d be here awhile. I said to the group, “Well, certainly she was named after the Vegan Diet, which is virtually the opposite of both Paleo and Keto Diets, so I’m not sure how all your parents got along back in the day. While there is certainly nothing wrong with eating a mostly plant-based diet, with foods from every kingdom, including mushrooms, vegetables, fruits, legumes like lentils and peas, beans, sea vegetables, and whole grains, which I call “smart carbs”. These are slow-burning foods that don’t raise your blood sugar, and take a long time to digest, so your body uses the calories as fuel in a sensible and sustainable manner. 

“The problem is most people don’t eat all of these foods, or know where to buy them or how to cook them so that they taste really good. Plus, you have to eat complete proteins like quinoa, wild rice, and other grains mixed in with legumes, seeds, nuts, and beans to get a complete nutrition profile. Most vegans or vegetarians simply don’t eat any meat or other animal products, but are not necessarily making good food choices, like eating organic, local and sustainable whenever possible, or eating plant-based proteins, and a wide variety of foods.

I like to eat this way, but after a day’s work, I don’t have the time to cook for hours. I like to eat like a vegetarian, but with meat on top! And Raspberry, well, she tries, but we try to at least eat organic and so on. And... oh, look, here she is now!”

We were all starving at that point and dug into those controversial chicken sandwiches, even Vikan. I made a mental note to have a really good walnut salad for dinner. I looked around and thought, I know how we can get these kids back to California without anyone bothering them anymore. We made a plan. We called up all the agents and fitness instructors, and got them to agree to put these chicken sandwiches in everyone’s trailers, green rooms and lockers. This way, the aroma attacks them when they come back from training or performing, and they can’t resist. Afterwards, they’ll rethink their fad diets and come to their senses, fire their nutritionists, and even the vegans will have a cup of bone broth once in a while maybe.

I closed up the office for good this time for real. Said goodbye to our guests, and refused payment. I was good, clear-headed and ready for my next adventure. A couple days later I got a check in the mail from one of these chicken franchises thanking me for increasing their stock valuation. Raspberry and I took the money and, well, I can’t tell you where we’re going, because I think the nutritionists’ union is after me.

[kyznelar]

Urth: Chapter 10: 2

The bizarre & remarkable events I will now summarise commenced 1 night when I went to a meeting of the Society for the Investigation of Anomalous Phenomena. At the conclusion of the.meeting, everyone was having drinks & nibblies when Jim introduced himself & then Ken. We discussed the report of a strange, dinosaur-like creature in the Blue Mountains & decided to investigate it.

After getting supplies, we drove to the Blue Mountains. After climbing an eminence, we soon spotted Wockle, who was unconscious. He soon revived &, amazingly, spoke to us in good English, telling us he came from our sister planet, Urth, by means of a dimension portal.

Wockle led us back to where he had left the dimension portal, but found it had gone. Jim had a friend who had given him a duplicate key to his house, which was not far away, so we went there to stay for the night. However, when we arose in the morning, we found giant footprints around the house.

Wockle said they were the footprints of an Allosaurus. As we tried to leave, it confronted us. Then Wockle used telepathy to confuse it. Flight was our only means of safety, but, not knowing the locale, we were trapped at the edge of a precipice with the Allosaurus blocking the only escape route.

It ran towards Wockle, who jumped on it's back, but, before he could strike at its neck, they both went over the precipice, Wockle hanging on grimly.

We made our way to the bodies, 200 metres below & found the Allosaurus dead, but Wockle alive, having fallen on top of the dinosaur.

Wockle only had concussion & soon regained consciousness. After he had recovered, he said the portal would not appear for another 2 months & invited us to visit Urth with him, to which we agreed.

This was an abbreviated narrative of our 1st adventure, but I shall go into more detail when describing Urth.

Urth: Ch 10: 3

When it was getting close to the time when the portal would return & open, we all gathered at my apartment to decide what preparations we would make for our expedition. Wockle had taught us the Common Tongue, which is spoken by all sentient beings on Urth, & I remember a conversation we had at the time:

Jim. Wockle, are there many human women on Urth?

Wockle. About the same number as there are men. Humans are widely dispersed on Urth. Of course, you don't have to confine yourselves to human females. There are other humanoid species.

Me. Do they fuck a lot?

Wockle. It depends on the species. One species has sex about 50 times a day.

Ken. We can't match that.

Wockle. At the other end of the spectrum, 1 species has sex 12 times a year.

Ken. Once a month isn't too bad.

Wockle. It's 12 times in 1 night, then nothing for the rest of the year.

Jim. I think we can be of some help there.

Then we got around to discussing supplies. First was a sufficient supply of preserved rations. Though Wockle said game & edible plants were abundant, we might need them in lean times. Then there were rifles, automatic pistols & ammunition, swords, as that was the main weapon on Urth, a Bell tent (as soon as the Bell family moved out), Ken's pup tent, though he said it tended to bark a lot, rechargeable torches & walkie-talkies, light-powered digital watches, binoculars doubling as night vision goggles, hunting knives, an inflatable dinghy & changes of clothing.

Urth: Ch 10: 3

True to Wockle's word, we found the dimension portal had reappeared on time. It was with some apprehension that we approached it, in spite of Wockle's reassurance that all would be well. There was always the possibility that there was a large & dangerous predator just on the other side. For this reason, we decided to go through with our rifles ready. One good thing was that the gravity of Urth was slightly less, so our large backpacks wouldn't weigh as much.

Wockle went 1st, then the 3 of us went through together. There was a slight tugging feeling, then we were through. We found ourselves on a grassy hill, with other hills around us & a few fleecy clouds in a cerulean sky. It looked much the same as Urth, only the vegetation was greener than the arid Australian outback & the air was fresher & cleaner compared to the pollution of the city, & the ravages of climate change due to global warming. Wockle said there was no drought at present, comparing it favourably to drought-ravaged Australia.

We had been walking for an hour when Ken stopped us.

Ken. I need to shit, & the 1 thing we forgot to bring is toilet paper.

Me. Did you seriously think we'd encumber ourselves with rolls & rolls of toilet paper? Wipe your arse with leaves or grass, or use your finger.

Jim. Or even "Leaves of Grass". I'm sure Walt Whitman wouldn't mind if you tore out a few pages.

Me. Especially seeing he's long dead.

Ken. Fat lot of good you 2 are. I'll go over there where those bushes are. Promise not to look.

Me. I don't think there'd be anything worth seeing.

Ken went behind some bushes while we waited.

Ken. Fuck! (He came running towards us, holding up his unbuttoned trousers.) I've been stung by something.

Wockle. Show me your arse.

Ken reluctantly showed Wockle his arse, 1 buttock of which was badly inflamed.

Wockle. You've tried to wipe your arse with a stinging bush. I can on!y give you the same advice Christ gave.

Ken. What's that?

Wockle. When you sit down, turn the other cheek.

In a little while, as we walked along, we met Kron, a caveman friend of Wockle's, whom Wockle introduced to us, & we all walked along together to Kron's village. I asked to see the chief, & Rogar introduced himself, saying he became chief when he killed the last chief in a fight to the death. Feeling a little flattery was in order, I congratulated him on keeping his politics simple, then produced a disposable lighter, saying I had brought him a piece of the sun to light cooking fires with, at the same time flicking it on. The effect on him & the other tribal members was amazing, & I think they considered us more than human, bearing out Arthur C. Clarke's maxim that primitive societies will consider the results of advanced technology to be magic.

The cave people lived in several caves in a cliff-face, & we were allocated a cave to rest & refresh ourselves in before the big feast that night. Ken asked if I thought it would be a cannibal feast, & I replied that, if it were, we should all have a ball. Jim said that would be all right, as long as we didn't get the cold shoulder.

In spite of our misgivings, it was not a cannibal feast, but merely meat, fruit, & vegetables, with a potent alcoholic beverage. We ate & drank too much, stayed up too late, &, as a consequence, slept late.

We were awakened when someone told us a little girl was missing, & that she had probably gone into the end cave, which was forbidden, as it was supposed to be inhabited by demons. The tribespeople were afraid to go in, but I explained we had magical weapons, that could kill with a flash & a bang. To prove my point, I took my rifle & aimed at the branch of a tree about 300 metres away, using the telescopic sight. The flash & bang impressed them, but they were even more impressed when the explosive bullet shattered the branch. However, they were not impressed enough to come with us, except for Rogar, who felt he had to justify his position as chief.

The cave had an enormous entrance, which added to its impressiveness, but we pushed on nevertheless, using rechargeable torches fastened to our heads by bands. For some time we proceeded uneventfully when suddenly we were confronted by a band of troglodytes, semi-human, the leader of whom raised his spear to throw at us. Making a split-second decision, I shot him through the heart, & the others fled.

Since there was now no point in stealth & silence, we started calling out "Reena" - the name of the little girl who was missing. This had no result, so we continued searching, only to find her mangled body lying in a pool of blood. Near the body were giant footprints, which we did not recognise at first, but then Jim, who was a devotee of natural history, realised they were those of a cave bear.

Just then the bear charged us, but we managed to spring out of its way, then, when it turned around, shone our torches into its sensitive goggle eyes, then fired all at once, killing it.

Slowly & sadly, we made our way back to the cave entrance, where Kron told Reena's parents of the tragedy. Weeping, they went into the cave & collected her body. The women dug a grave, then brought some small planimals - which were a combination of plant & animal - to the grave, where they sang a mournful dirge, a fitting tribute to a life cut tragically short.

***

I do not want to be guilty of twice-told tales, so I will pass over the adventures I have already recorded, however tersely, & start with our latest adventure.

'

e abundant

Red1

[healthyeating43-blog]

Paleo Diet Beginner Guide: 7 Things You Should Know Before Eating Like a Caveman!

New Post has been published on https://dietguideto.com/awesome/paleo-diet-beginner-guide-7-things-you-should-know-before-eating-like-a-caveman/

Paleo Diet Beginner Guide: 7 Things You Should Know Before Eating Like a Caveman!

So you wanna learn about the Paleo Diet, aka” the Caveman Diet ,” eh?

This is one of the most popular diets on the planet right now( up there with the Keto Diet ), and I bet you have questions.

Well I got answers, sucka!

And lots of LEGO photos.

In this massive guidebook, I’m going to give you the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to the Paleolithic Diet( click each link to go right to that section ):

What is the Paleo Diet and how does it run ? Will I lose weight on the Paleo Diet ? What can I eat on the Paleo Diet ? What foods CAN’T I eat on the Paleo Diet ? Can I eat grains on the Paleo Diet ? Can I eat dairy on the Paleo Diet? Can I eat cheese on the Paleo Diet ? Paleo Diet Shopping Guide: List of foods on the Paleo Diet What does a typical day look like on the Paleo Diet ? Is the Paleo Diet dangerous ? Paleo Recipes& Paleo Resource . Who shouldn’t do the Paleo Diet ? How to do the Paleo Diet safely .

Now, this guide is SUPER long, we are therefore took the liberty of converting it into a nicely designed guidebook for easy consumption( not literal intake, unless you print it on bacon ).

Grab your Beginner’s Guide to the Paleo Diet free when you sign on in the box below: Get the FREE eBook! The Ultimate Beginner’s Guide to Paleo!

Discover if Paleo is for you

The one simple trick to know if your food is Paleo-friendly

Easy Paleo recipes for beginners to get you started

I identify as a:

Woman

Man

If you can actually apply the standards of the the Paleo lifestyle, you can get some pretty solid results.

As the great Mr. Flintstone once said, “Yabadabadooooo!”

What is the Paleo Diet and How does it Work?

Oh lord, another “diet.”

I know, it sounds like a fad/ marketing gambit, but The Paleo Diet isn’t really a “diet,” and it’s actually quite logical when you think about it.

It’s also the most time-tested diet ever.

Here’s the ENTIRE diet in a nutshell :P TAGEND

” If a cave person didn’t eat it, neither should you .”

As the theory runs, tens of thousands of years ago, before Nike, Cap’n Crunch, and Healthy Choice snacks, our ancient ancestors thrived as hunter-gatherers.

Although it’s been a really long time, our genetics haven’t changed that much since then.

And yet…these days we’re overweight, out of shape, stressed out, unhappy, sleep deprived and dying from far too many preventable diseases due to lifestyle choices.

So what the hell happened?

Agriculture!

And then delivery and Netflix.

A few thousand years ago, humans discovered farming, the agricultural revolution took off, and we advanced from hunter-gatherers to farmers.

We resolved down, formed societies, and the human race progressed to what we are today. Which is obviously great for a number of reasons :P TAGEND

Not get eaten by wild animals Electricity Automobiles Nintendo

The problem is that our bodies never adjusted properly to eating all the grains and sugar that we’re now consuming.

As paleo guru Robb Wolf sets it, think of a 100 -yard football field :P TAGEND

The first 99.5 yards are how long Homo-Sapiens spent as hunter-gatherers. As they became Really good at hunting and collecting our bodies adapted to that lifestyle over thousands of years.

That last half-yard represents our species after the agricultural revolution, where our diet has changed( but our genetics haven’t ).

So, instead of loading up on meat, vegetables and seasonal fruit, we’ve become a species “dependent” upon grains- bread, pasta, rice, corn, and so on.

66% of us are overweight, 33% are considered obese, and those numbers are only getting worse.[ 1 ]

Clearly something’s not right, and we need to fix it.

The Paleo Diet is an effort to go back to our ancestral roots.

To start eating how we’re biologically designed to eat, allowing us to tap into our genetic potential and start living healthier immediately.

To recap the rules of the Paleo Diet :P TAGEND

Only feed foods a caveman would eat See Rule# 1

Note that it doesn’t mention calorie counting or meal period or macro tracking. That’s part of the popularity of this diet: feed paleo approved foods when you’re hungry, and that’s it.

Will I Lose Weight on the Paleo Diet?

This is the question we get above all else :P TAGEND

” Will the Paleo Diet assistance me lose weight ?”

Probably. If you can actually apply the standards of the the Paleo lifestyle, you can get some pretty solid results.

It’s helped many people attain jaw-dropping transformations, including my friend Saint,( whose narrative you can read here ):

Or Staci from Team NF, our lead female trainer in our 1-on-1 Coaching Program ):

The Paleo Diet will work for you, if you do it right.

You need to have the right mindset, you need to focus on the right foods, and you need to structure your environment so that you’re not tempted to backslide and abandon the Paleo Diet after a few days.

However, it has nothing to do with what Fred Flintstone ate or didn’t eat.

It comes down to science and thermodynamics.

As I point out in our article on How to Lose Weight: What’s the Perfect Diet( For me ?), if you want to lose weight :P TAGEND

Eat fewer calories than you burn every day. Wishing to also be healthy? Eat mostly real food.

Want to KEEP the weight off?

Add# 3: Do those two things consistently for a decade.

Here’s WHY you’ll lose weight on the Paleo Diet:

You’re merely eating meat, fish, veggies, fruit, and nuts. These are foods that are full of nutrients, will build you feel full, but don’t have nearly as many calories as junk food. You are completely eliminating calorie-dense, often nutritionally insufficient, unhealthy foods. This means no grains( pasta, bread, rice ), no dairy , no beans. It also means no soda , no candy , no sugar.

And yup. When you merely eat real food and avoid all unhealthy food, you’re more likely than not going to run a caloric deficit- and thus lose weight.

Let me share a really obvious example.

200 calories of broccoli get you enough to fill up an entire plate :P TAGEND

Or … 200 calories will get you exactly 1/2 a Snickers bar :P TAGEND

Look at that: nobody can eat that much broccoli, and nobody merely fees half a candy bar!

My point is this: by eating Paleo-approved foods, you’re more likely than not to eat fewer calories than you did in the past automatically, which can lead to weight loss.

I dig into this in even greater detail in” Why can’t I lose weight ?” but it all comes down to” calories in, calories out .”

So YES, the Paleo Diet MIGHT help you lose weight.

You just need to eat fewer calories than you burn every day( Here’s how to calculate your Total Daily Energy Expenditure ). And that is easier when you are eliminating foods that people tend to overeat :P TAGEND

Candy Soda Pasta Bread Dairy

But that’s all about what we’re eliminating. What are we maintaining !?

what Can I eat on The Paleo diet?

In order to follow the Paleo Diet Lifestyle, here are the foods that are Paleo endorse :P TAGEND

Meat*- steak, ham, pork, bison, boar. Organs- liver, kidneys, heart. Marrows- considering a theme here? Eat ALL parts of the animal! Fowl- chicken, duck, hen, turkey…things with wings that( try to) fly. Fish- cod, tuna, salmon, and so on. Eggs- Look for omega-3 enriched cage-free eggs. Veggie- spinach, broccoli, kale, carrots, peppers, zucchini, onions, etc. Petroleum- minimally processed, derived from plants: olive oil, coconut petroleum, avocado petroleum. Fats: ghee, lard, or other animal fats. Fruits- apples, pears, bananas, grapes, strawberries. Nuts- almonds, walnuts, cashews, and their respective butters( almond butter is so good !) Tubers- Sweet potatoes and yams.

* If you can, aim for grass-fed beef and organic fruits and vegetables. But don’t go break the bank with your food purchases. Merely do the best you can.

As the Paleo Diet explains: Pick any of the foods from that listing and feed as much as you want of them.

You might have noticed that a lot of the foods above are loaded with fat. And depending on what your mom told you growing up, you might suppose fat is the devil.

So let me address that right away…

Do Eating Fat Make You Fat?

If you’re cut back on carbs, that means you’ll need to fill the void in your diet with the most controversial macronutrient :P TAGEND

Fat!

It’s gotten a bad rap over the past number of decades, so companies have been doing everything possible to stimulate everything low fat and “healthy! ”( while adding all sorts of preservatives, chemicals, and sugar ).

Yup…cut out the fat, increase the carbs….and appear where THAT has get us.

Why has fat been vilified? Rather than get into the politics of it myself, I’ll let Gary Taubes, writer of the incredibly thorough and well-researched Good Calories, Bad Calories take over.

As he discusses in an article he wrote for the New York Times a decade ago: [ 2 ]

These researchers point out that there are plenty of reasons to suggest that the low-fat-is-good-health hypothesis has now effectively failed the test of hour.

In particular, that we are in the midst of an obesity epidemic that started around the early 1980′ s, and that this was coincident with the rise of the low-fat dogma.( Type 2 diabetes, the most common form of the disease, also rose significantly through this period .)

They say that low-fat weight-loss diets have proved in clinical trials and real life to be dismal failings, and that on top of it all, the percentage of fat in the American diet has been decreasing for two decades.

Our cholesterol levels have been declining, and we have been smoking less, and yet the incidence of heart disease has not declined as would be expected.” That is very disconcerting ,” Willett says.” It suggests that something else bad is happening .”

” Low fat” foods were created to follow conventional wisdom that fat induce you fat( which as stated in the above article doesn’t stand up to scrutiny ).

When a company makes a low fat food, they remove the fat and have to replace the flavor with something.

That “something” is usually sugar( and often more calories ).

Crap.

So, according to Taubes and Paleo folks, fat has been vilified and the real focus should have been on sugar and carbs all along.

Because healthy fats are valuable additions to our diet.

Here are some examples of Paleo-Approved Healthy Fats :P TAGEND

Avocados Almond( and almond butter) Fatty cuts of meat Walnuts Coconut oil Olive oil

In the Paleo Diet, fat constructions up a large portion of one’s diet.

If you’re worried about consuming fat and how it will affect your cholesterol, read our Full Guide to Cholesterol

WhAT Foods Can’t I eat On the Paleo Diet?

If you are looking to strictly follow the Paleo Diet, then you can’t eat foods that did not exist back in” Caveman times .”

Why?

Because- as those in favour of the diet point out- cavemen couldn’t eat those foods because they didn’t exist. There was no way to create cereal and candy – you could only eat what you detected or hunted.

So, that’s what the Paleo Diet advocates as the reason for avoiding these foods. And it serves as a good mental model to check with yourself: “Could a caveman have eaten this dinner? ”

And when you start to answer this question, you specifying the foods that you’re not allowed to eat on the Paleo Diet :P TAGEND

Grains like pasta, cereal bread, and rice Dairy like milk and cheese Candy, cookies, ice cream, and other processed foods

The Paleo Diet also almost completely eliminates sugar outside of fruit. No candy. No soda. No powdered donuts. Yup, even the mini white ones from the grocery store where you can eat like 100 of them( accidentally, of course ).

Many studies have shown that an incredible number of diseases and lifestyle issues is also available reversed by cutting out sugar and processed foods.[ 3 ]

But I understand grains and dairy are a bit more complex.

Let me explain :P TAGEND Can I Eat Grains on the Paleo Diet?

Unfortunately , nope.

The Caveman reason why: Grain require some amount of processing, and thus Cavemen would not have feed them.

The science and psychological reason why: we have a tendency to overeat grains and the other ” no no” foods on the Paleo Diet. They are calorically dense, nutrient insufficient, and they can wreak havoc on some people’s blood sugar levels.

This leads to a sugar rushed be accompanied by a crash, which can lead to more emotional or hungry overeating…and the process starts again.

Rather than me explain that part with thousands of words, just watch this three-minute video-” Why You Got Fat :”

Let’s get into some more reasons Paleo proponents indicate avoiding grains: most contain gluten and lectins.

What are they and what’s wrong with them? I’m so glad you asked :P TAGEND

Gluten is a protein found in things like rye, wheat, and barley. It’s now being said that much of our population may be gluten-intolerant( hence all the new “gluten-free! ” items popping up everywhere ). Over time, those people who have gluten intolerant can develop a dismal array of medical conditions from ingesting gluten: dermatitis, joint pain, reproductive problems, acid reflux, and more.[ 4 ] Lectins are natural toxins that are present in grains to defend against consumption! Yup. Grain have evolved to keep themselves from being feed by us. These lectins are not a fan of our gastrointestinal tract, and they prevent the tract from repairing itself from normal wear and tear. This can cause all kinds of damage.

Long story short: many people cannot process grains properly, and they are usually the food that causes people to eat too many calories. So by eliminating grains from your diet, you’re more likely than not going to eat fewer calories without counting calories.

That’s a Paleo win!

Do I Need to Avoid Carbs on the Paleo Diet?

Not necessarily.

That depends on your goals and your body – you are a special snowflake!

Some people function well on a high fat, low carb diet.

Others function better on a high carb, low fat diet.

Personally, I function better on a higher carb, lower fat diet( which is how I lost 22 pounds in 6 months ).

I will say the Paleo Diet is USUALLY a Low Carb diet, and large quantities of carbs are not required for somebody to be healthy regular diet.[ 5 ].

After all, carbs aren’t evil- they’re just…carbs.

Here is the logic and psychology behind why the Paleo Diet is low carb :P TAGEND

On a typical Western diet, we ingest plenty o’ carbs, and our bodies convert those carbs to a sugar called “glucose.” This is our body’s preferred method of fueling itself.

In the absence of carbs to create glucose to fuel our bodies, we have to do a few other things instead :P TAGEND

Transform stored fat into glycerol and fatty acids( this process is called lipolysis ). Burn fatty acids for energy or transform the fatty acids into glucose for energy( this is called gluconeogenesis) In the absence of glucose( through fasting or following a Keto Diet ), your body are generating ketones for fuel( called “ketogenesis” ).

We’re going to focus on the forms of weight loss NOT related to ” ketogenesis .” Unless you are avoiding all carbohydrates while running Paleo, or you are doing long fasts, you most likely won’t be in ketosis while running Paleo.

We do cover Paleo vs Keto: Which is Better if you’re deciding between the two.

Back to weight loss and Paleo: when you cut back on carbs, and thus most likely Also cut back on total calories devoured, you are creating a caloric deficit in your body.

And eat a consistent deficit over a long enough time period, BOOM caveman weight loss.

So, fewer carbs= less glucose in your system, less sugar accidents, less “hangry” moments and smaller opportunity of overeating= fewer calories devoured on average.

If you’re worried about adherence to the diet, I understand – it’s the toughest part of Paleo- sticking with it!

Knowing what to eat is part of it, but following this fairly restrictive lifestyle in a modern surrounding surrounded by cookies and candy and bagels and pasta is really difficult!

If this whole” Paleo, Carbs, and Weight Loss” thing is stressing you out, you’re not alone!

In fact, people like you are the reason we created our 1-on-1 Online Coaching Program!

We work with busy people like you to structure a complete life overhaul: handcrafted workout routines, accountability, mindset alters, and nutritional strategies.

Can I eat Dairy on the Paleo Diet? Can I feed Cheese On the Paleo Diet?

This also depends. Strict Paleo folks tend to stay away from it- a portion of the world is lactose intolerant, and those that aren’t usually have at least some type of an aversion to it.

Why? Because hunter-gatherers didn’t lug cows around with them while traveling- milk was ingested as a baby through breast milk from their mother, and that was it.

So as Paleo-stans will tell ya, our bodies weren’t designed for massive dairy consumption.

There is evidence that some adaptation to dairy has taken place throughout the years, specifically with people with pedigree in herding cultures, but this is not the majority of the population.[ 6 ]

Paleo purists will avoid dairy like the plague, while other paleo-ish people have found that eating dairy in its various sorts work for their genetics, objectives, and lifestyle.

“What about Cheese? Can I eat cheese on the Paleo Diet? ”

You do you, boo. But if you’re going Strict Paleo, then unfortunately cheese is OUT too.

If you’re just looking to lose some weight while following a “mostly Paleo” lifestyle, then adding some high quality cheese into some of your dinners can be okay.

Some cheese will tend to have lower amounts of lactose or casein- the parts of dairy that can cause digestion challenges.

So, if you’re not sure your body is processing dairy properly, remove dairy from your diet and only introduce it back in when you’re ready to see how your body responds.

If you’re not losing weight while eating a” Paleo+ Dairy” Diet, you’re still eating too many calories.

Consider cutting out dairy and see how your body responds.

Paleo Diet Shopping Guide: List of Food on the Paleo Diet

Because I like you as person or persons, I’ve generated a printable Paleo Diet Shopping List PDF you can bring with you to the grocery store to help you decide what to buy and what to avoid.

Simply right click on the image below and save as :P TAGEND

Feel free to publish this out and bringing it with you to the grocery store. If you happen to run into somebody else who has ALSO printed out this sheet, feel free to high five each other while singing Baltimora!

What is a Typical Day Like on the Paleo Diet?

Here is an example of a typical day on “The Paleo Diet” :P TAGEND

Breakfast: Omelet with spinach with fresh fruit. Lunch: Grilled chicken, kale, and avocado salad with vinegar and olive oil. Snack: Apple slicings and almond butter. Dinner: Steak with asparagus and sweet potato fries. Dessert: Strawberries and a piece of 85% darknes chocolate.

That doesn’t sound so bad, right?

Make sure you check out our Paleo Diet Recipes and Resources section too for more options.

Start with a good protein source with each dinner( eggs, steak, chicken, fish, pork) and then add a vegetable or fruit.

That’s it.

If you feel hungry constantly, understand that changing up a diet can cause a body a few weeks of adjustment.

Remember, your body is learning to operate on both fewer calories AND fewer carbs- depending on how low carb you go this could be a DRAMATIC change.

And this is often referred to as “carb flu, ” and it can be miserable! Your body might take multiple weeks to adjust to these new habits.

Going from a processed, high sodium diet to a paleo diet you will very often end up eating too little sodium, which is an essential nutrient.

So if you’re feeling tired all the time, try adding some salt to your food or consider an electrolyte supplement- this is what we recommend with our Keto readers too.

Is the Paleo Diet Dangerous?

The dismissive criticisms of the Paleo Diet generally fall into one of three categories :P TAGEND

Cavemen had short lifespans. So there. A recent article said that cavemen feed grains. So there. Eating that much meat is unhealthy. So there.

As I said at the beginning of this article, it doesn’t matter what cavemen or cavewomen ACTUALLY ate.

The reason this diet works has nothing to do with what our bodies are designed to eat or what cavemen feed 1,000 s of years ago.

The Paleo Diet CAN help you lose weight because it gets you to cut out junk food, focus on eating real food, and gives you a framework to evaluate speedily every food selection :P TAGEND

” Did a caveman eat this? Yes or no .”

That’s it!

By following this ONE rules, you’re likely to eat fewer calories than you used to, and thus you’re likely to end up healthier than before.

I personally don’t follow a Paleo Diet, but I do appreciate the fact that it’s easy to comprehend and gets people to take a more active approach in their food!

So, disregarding the fear mongering, tenet, and anthropological criticisms of what cavemen actually ate, what are the ACTUAL critiques of the Paleo Diet?

# 1)” Why is the Paleo Diet expensive ?”

Admittedly, while I recommend eating organic fruits and veggies, free-range chicken, and grass-fed beef whenever possible, these products can be more expensive in conventional stores due to the processes needed to get them there.

However, farmers’ marketplaces often have well-priced meat, eggs, fruits, and vegetables that are locally grown and incredibly healthy.

Even if you’re spending a little more money than before, when you factor in your overall health, spending a few extra bucks on healthier food now is a wiser investment than thousands later on costly medical expenses.

Also, if you’re really short on cash, feeing the non-organic or grain-fed version of a meat, vegetable, or eggs is still better than feeing bread, pasta, fast food, and the like.

Most people simply compare the cost of a paleo snack with ramen noodles or pasta and bread and determine Paleo is prohibitively expensive.

Sure, it’s more expensive than those foods, but if you are smart with your money you can eat a much healthier snack and do so pretty inexpensively. Check out this guide on” How to Eat Healthy Without Breaking the Bank” for some tip-off and tricks.

( This doesn’t even factor in the whole” if you eat inexpensive unhealthy food now, you’ll pay thousands in medical bills and hospital visits and drugs later” argument which is valid too ).

# 2)” But cavemen had short lifespans! Of course they don’t have the diseases we do. We live way longer now .”

I agree with you here, but only because you don’t have to deal with the dangers of living back then. Again we don’t really care to live like cave people!

This is SIMPLY a construct that can help many build more informed food choices.

# 3)” Plenty of societies around the world consume grains and aren’t fat and unhealthy like us .”

Awesome- it seems like those people have found a solution that works for them. Have you read our big ass guidebook to eating a Plant-Based Diet?

The China Study is frequently cited when blaming the Paleo Diet- are concentrated on a vegetarian diet and consuming rice is healthier than the Paleo Diet. I respectfully disagree with the conclusions drawn from that book but that’s awesome if you want to go plant-based! [ 7 ] I’ll leave you to induce your own conclusions based on your own self-experimentation.

You’re here to learn about the Paleo Diet though, so let’s keep the focus there.

# 4)” But this is just a meat diet, and eating all meat is bad !”

First of all, consider your sources and do your research before jumping to the conclusions.

Next, this is not an all meat diet like the Carnivore Diet or uber-low carb diets like Keto or Atkins. The biggest component of the Paleo Diet?

Vegetables!

Every meal in a true Paleo diet has a moderate amount of healthy( properly raised chicken, grass-fed beef, hormone free, etc .) meat combined with nutritious veggies or a moderate sum of fruit.

# 5)” The Paleo Diet is too restrictive and I can’t live like this .”

This is the most valid criticism I personally have of the diet, as the best diet plan is the one you actually stick with and be adhered to on! The goal shouldn’t be to go” full paleo” for a few weeks merely going to go to how you were eating before.

Instead, the goal here should be to rethink your relationship with food and develop a strategy that you can live with permanently.

There’s nothing worse than going on diets and gaining and losing the same 20 pounds over and over. The Paleo Diet, like other diets, WORKS ONLY IF YOU STICK WITH IT PERMANENTLY!

This attains sense after all: stimulate temporary changes, get temporary results, right?

# 6)” Steve, I hate veggies. How do you construct veggies taste better? HALP .”

I got you. Heres how to start liking vegetables and how to attain veggies savour better.

We know this all too well, and we have helped thousands of people slowwwwly transition their diet over a long period of time to make change less scary, more permanent, and thus attain the weight loss permanent too!

If you’re overwhelmed or scared of changing too much, or maybe you’re just sick of dieting and want to find a solution that works for your busy lifestyle and situation, schedule a bellow with us to gain a better understanding of our 1-on-1 coaching program :P TAGEND

Paleo Recipes and Paleo Resources

Here’s our full list of Nerd Fitness Paleo/ Healthy recipes, and here are my three favorites :P TAGEND

10 Minutes of Prep, 10 Easy Meals Paleo spaghetti: freaking delicious, I promise How to Make Mini Paleo Pizzas .

I’ve also compiled a list of my favorite sites and recipe books in various regions of the internet that can help you get started :P TAGEND

# 1) Nom Nom Paleo -~ ATAGEND Michelle Tam and her husband Henry are amazing people, and their Paleo Blog is absolutely phenomenal. Great photos. Well written. Organized intelligently.

Their “Nom Nom Paleo” cookbook is a fun resource too, and a great place to get started with cooking for your Paleo lifestyle. Oh, what’s that? You have children and a spouse and you’re all trying to eat healthier too? This book is perfect for that as well!

# 2) Mark’s Daily Apple– Easily the most comprehensive resource on the internet for the Paleo Diet- Mark writes an article every weekday about everything Paleo, and it usually blows me away. Some of the posts can get overwhelming, so I indicate starting with his Primal Blueprint 101.

The Primal Blueprint– If you want to read about this stuff in a volume rather than on a computer screen, Mark’s book The Primal Blueprint is a great place to get started on not only what to eat, but why you should be eating it.

It’s educational, funny, real-world applicable, and teaches you how to primalize( just made that up) the rest of your life too.

# 3) Robb Wolf– Another great resource, and a guy I’ve already referenced in this article multiple times. Check out his site for a comprehensive FAQ on all things Paleo, a shopping list pdf( right-click and save ), and plenty of humor.

The Paleo Solution– This article would have been finished 3 hours earlier, but before I wrote it, I read ALL of Robb’s new volume. It severely had me laughing out loud at certain phases- not bad for a book on diet!

This book is a little less forgiving than Mark’s book above, but it’s still a great read.

# 4) Loren Cordain– Loren is considered the leading expert on the Paleo Diet- Robb is actually one of his students/ disciples/ Padawans.

Dr. Cordain is probably the foremost authority on this type of eating, which is why I actually enjoyed read both of his volumes.

MORE RECIPE RESOURCES :P TAGEND

Ready or Not! 150 Make Now Recipes– The newer book from Michelle Tam of Nom Nom Paleo. It’s super fun. Plus she’s wearing a Nerd FItness t-shirt in some of her photos in the book, so I might be sliiiightly biased Mark’s Daily Apple– Although he sells the cookbook on Amazon, Mark also lists over 100 free primal recipes on his site. Pick something on the list, run buy the ingredients, and follow the instructions! So easy even a caveman can do it. Everyday Paleo– Great images, easy to follow recipes, and pretty interesting combinations. Click on FOOD in the Nav bar, and the meals are broken down into breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

If you’re curious about The Paleo Diet’s recent popularity and thus it’s criticisms, we’ve written two other pieces on Nerd Fitness that might be of interest :P TAGEND

” The Paleo Diet Debunked ??” where I address a few of the more recent criticisms that have popped up.

” In Defense of a Paleo-Ish Diet” where I encompass how to live a mostly Paleo lifestyle but still enjoy the modern benefits of society.

Who Should and Who Shouldn’t Do the Paleo Diet?

I’m a fan of the Paleo Diet for the RIGHT person:

I love mental models that help us make sense of the world, and I guess for SOME people, the Paleo Diet has certainly help them cut down on overeating.

I personally do NOT follow a Paleo Diet, but I do have regulations that I follow.

Do whatever makes you happy and fits in your schedule. I like this kind of stress-free eating.

Regardless of whether or not grains should be vilified, I love this diet because I know it WORKS. I know people that have lost incredible amounts of weight and changed their lives within a matter of months.

People like Staci :P TAGEND

Regardless of how you feel about grains, we can all agree that eating more natural foods and less processed foods is better for you.

YOU SHOULD DO THE PALEO DIET IF :P TAGEND

You struggle with section control( entailing you can’t eat merely one cookie, or you tend to keep feeing even when you’re full ). You can stick with the changes you’re making permanently! Remember, temporary changes create temporary outcomes. You don’t mind eliminating some of your favorite foods completely.

YOU SHOULD NOT DO THE PALEO DIET IF :P TAGEND

The notion of giving up non-paleo foods makes you want to cry. You don’t mind learning about calories and want to track your food. Another diet sounds like a better fit for you!

Consider some of these other options instead:

The Mediterranean Diet which still includes portions of things like pasta or bread( note: I said PORTIONS , not platefuls )! Our guide on healthy eating and slowly adjust your nutrition- which would be my recommendation. My paleo-ish dietary philosophy that holds me healthy and happy.

If you want to lose weight and keep it off, you need to attain permanent adjustments to your nutrition.

If you don’t see yourself being able to permanently follow a Paleo Diet, I would advise a more’ wade in from the shallow aim‘ approach to dietary change!

How to Do the Paleo Diet Safely

Maybe you’re ready to try out this Paleo lifestyle, but you can’t commit fully. There are certain foods you refuse to give up, or you can’t afford to buy grass-fed beef at the moment.

That’s okay!

If you can even make a few small changes here and there( cut out liquid calories, switching out your rice for steamed vegetables, cut back on bread, etc .) you’ll start to see some changes.

Remember, 20% healthier is better than 0% healthier- as you get more comfy with the changes you can increase that percentage.

After all, I know how tough it is to stay loyal to a strict diet, especially without a plan to follow. It’s why we created free resources that can help you reach your goals faster without you also going crazy.

Get rid of the temptation: if you’re gonna go at this thing with a full head of steam, remove all the junk food from your house.

It’s going to take a few weeks for your body to adjust to burning fat instead of glucose, and you might want to eat poorly here and there. If there’s no food in your house to tempt you, it will be much easier to stay on target.

Now, it’s your turn.

Have you tried the Paleo Diet yet? What was your experience like? Have a criticism of the diet that I didn’t cover before? Do you have a favorite paleo resource?

Remember, one of the major Rules of the Rebellion is to question everything!

I hope this article gives you some food for thought( terrible pun, I know ), and gives you permission to question conventional wisdom and start addressing the issues in your diet!

In addition to this Beginner Paleo Guide, I hope you consider checking our 1-on-1 Coaching Program as well.

We have designed this program from the ground up to help people like you change their lives and fix their nutrition in a way that doesn’t suck.

Now, go forth. And feed like a caveman.

-Steve

PS: I’ll leave you with a mention of the Nerd Fitness Academy– it essentially gamifies your experience in transitioning into a Paleo lifestyle and diet, and provides you with specific instruction, snack plans, workouts, and a supportive community.

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photo sources: cavemen elephant hunt, caveman cooking over flame, cavemen hunt paleo bear, milk truck logo, darth vader vendor, storm trooper tomato, lego cook, chef and lego pig, lego explorer, lego muffin, lego bread and carbs, frozen caveman grok lego, lego clock, lego caveman forge for food, caveman with wheel, darth vader and ostrich lego, easing into water lego, lego man with pasta

Footnote( returns to text)

Adult Obesity Prevalence Map CDC.gov

What if its all Been a Big Fat Lie ? Take a look at this time magazine article on cancer patients who switched to a zero-sugar diet and assured positive results. You can read our full guide on Gluten check out the Inuit Paradox for a great read on societies that exist without almost any carbohydrates If you want to nerd out about this stuff, go wild with this study This is the most well-researched critique I’ve determine of the China Study: Denise Menger- China Study- Fact or Fallacy

Read more: nerdfitness.com

[computerguideworld-blog]

Paleo Diet Beginner Guide: 7 Things You Should Know Before Eating Like a Caveman!

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Paleo Diet Beginner Guide: 7 Things You Should Know Before Eating Like a Caveman!

So you wanna learn about the Paleo Diet, aka” the Caveman Diet ,” eh?

This is one of the most popular diets on the planet right now( up there with the Keto Diet ), and I bet you have questions.

Well I got answers, sucka!

And lots of LEGO photos.

In this massive guide, I’m going to give you the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to the Paleolithic Diet( click each link to go right to that section ):

What is the Paleo Diet and how does it work ? Will I lose weight on the Paleo Diet ? What can I eat on the Paleo Diet ? What foods CAN’T I eat on the Paleo Diet ? Can I feed grains on the Paleo Diet ? Can I feed dairy on the Paleo Diet? Can I feed cheese on the Paleo Diet ? Paleo Diet Shopping Guide: List of foods on the Paleo Diet What does a typical day look like on the Paleo Diet ? Is the Paleo Diet dangerous ? Paleo Recipes& Paleo Resources . Who shouldn’t do the Paleo Diet ? How to do the Paleo Diet safely .

Now, this guide is SUPER long, so we took the liberty of converting it into a nicely designed guidebook for easy consumption( not literal intake, unless you print it on bacon ).

Grab your Beginner’s Guide to the Paleo Diet free when you sign on in the box below: Get the FREE eBook! The Ultimate Beginner’s Guide to Paleo!

Discover if Paleo is for you

The one simple trick to know if your food is Paleo-friendly

Easy Paleo recipes for beginners to get you started

I identify as a:

Woman

Man

If you can actually apply the standards of the the Paleo lifestyle, you can get some pretty solid results.

As the great Mr. Flintstone once said, “Yabadabadooooo!”

What is the Paleo Diet and How does it Work?

Oh lord, another “diet.”

I know, it sounds like a fad/ marketing ploy, but The Paleo Diet isn’t really a “diet,” and it’s actually quite logical when you think about it.

It’s also the most time-tested diet ever.

Here’s the ENTIRE diet in a nutshell :P TAGEND

” If a cave person didn’t eat it, neither should you .”

As the theory runs, tens of thousands of years ago, before Nike, Cap’n Crunch, and Healthy Choice meals, our ancient ancestors flourished as hunter-gatherers.

Although it’s been a really long time, our genetics haven’t changed that much since then.

And yet…these days we’re overweight, out of shape, stressed out, unhappy, sleep deprived and dying from far too many preventable cancers due to lifestyle choices.

So what the hell happened?

Agriculture!

And then delivery and Netflix.

A few thousand years ago, humans detected farming, the agricultural revolution took off, and we advanced from hunter-gatherers to farmers.

We settled down, formed societies, and the human race progressed to what we are today. Which is obviously great for a number of reasons :P TAGEND

Not get eaten by wild animals Electricity Automobiles Nintendo

The problem is that our bodies never adjusted properly to eating all the grains and sugar that we’re now consuming.

As paleo guru Robb Wolf sets it, should be considered a 100 -yard football field :P TAGEND

The first 99.5 yards are how long Homo-Sapiens spent as hunter-gatherers. As they became Genuinely good at hunting and meeting our bodies adapted to that lifestyle over thousands of years.

That last half-yard represents our species after the agricultural revolution, where our diet has changed( but our genetics haven’t ).

So, instead of loading up on meat, vegetables and seasonal fruits, we’ve become a species “dependent” upon grains- bread, pasta, rice, corn, and so on.

66% of us are overweight, 33% are considered obese, and those numbers are only getting worse.[ 1 ]

Clearly something’s not right, and we need to fix it.

The Paleo Diet is an effort to go back to our ancestral roots.

To start eating how we’re biologically designed to eat, allowing us to tap into our genetic potential and start live healthier immediately.

To recap the rules of the Paleo Diet :P TAGEND

Only eat foods a caveman would eat See Rule# 1

Note that it doesn’t mention calorie counting or snack day or macro tracking. That’s part of the popularity of this diet: feed paleo approved foods when you’re hungry, and that’s it.

Will I Lose Weight on the Paleo Diet?

This is the question we get above all else :P TAGEND

” Will the Paleo Diet help me lose weight ?”

Probably. If you can actually apply the standards of the the Paleo lifestyle, you can get some pretty solid results.

It’s helped many people achieve jaw-dropping transformations, including my friend Saint,( whose narrative you can read here ):

Or Staci from Team NF, our leading female trainer in our 1-on-1 Coaching Program ):

The Paleo Diet will work for you, if you do it right.

You need to have the right mindset, you need to focus on the right foods, and you need to structure your environment so that you’re not seduced to backslide and abandon the Paleo Diet after a few days.

However, it has nothing to do with what Fred Flintstone ate or didn’t eat.

It comes down to science and thermodynamics.

As I point out in our article on How to Lose weight: What’s the Perfect Diet( For me ?), if you want to lose weight :P TAGEND

Eat fewer calories than you burn every day. Wishing to also be healthy? Eat mostly real food.

Want to KEEP the weight off?

Add# 3: Do those two things consistently for a decade.

Here’s WHY you’ll lose weight on the Paleo Diet:

You’re only feeing meat, fish, veggies, fruits, and nuts. These are foods that are full of nutrients, will make you feel full, but don’t have nearly as many calories as junk food. You are altogether eliminating calorie-dense, often nutritionally insufficient, unhealthy foods. This entails no grains( pasta, bread, rice ), no dairy , no beans. It also entails no soda , no candy , no sugar.

And yup. When you only feed real food and avoid all unhealthy food, you’re more likely than not going to run a caloric deficit- and thus lose weight.

Let me share a really obvious example.

200 calories of broccoli get you enough to fill up an entire plate :P TAGEND

Or … 200 calories will get you exactly 1/2 a Snickers bar :P TAGEND

Look at that: nobody can eat that much broccoli, and nobody only fees half a candy bar!

My point is this: by eating Paleo-approved foods, you’re more likely than not to eat fewer calories than you did in the past automatically, which can lead to weight loss.

I dig into this in even greater detail in” Why can’t I lose weight ?” but it all comes down to” calories in, calories out .”

So YES, the Paleo Diet MIGHT help you lose weight.

You simply need to eat fewer calories than you burn every day( Here’s how to calculate your Total Daily Energy Expenditure ). And that is easier when you are eliminating foods that people tend to overeat :P TAGEND

Candy Soda Pasta Bread Dairy

But that’s all about what we’re eliminating. What are we keeping !?

what Can I eat on The Paleo diet?

In order to follow the Paleo Diet Lifestyle, here are the foods that are Paleo approved :P TAGEND

Meat*- steak, ham, pork, bison, boar. Organs- liver, kidneys, heart. Marrow- find a topic here? Eat ALL parts of the animal! Fowl- chicken, duck, hen, turkey…things with wings that( try to) fly. Fish- cod, tuna, salmon, and so on. Eggs- Look for omega-3 enriched cage-free eggs. Vegetable- spinach, broccoli, kale, carrots, peppers, zucchini, onions, etc. Petroleum- minimally processed, derived from plants: olive oil, coconut oil, avocado oil. Fats: ghee, lard, or other animal fats. Fruit- apples, pears, bananas, grapes, strawberries. Nut- almonds, walnuts, cashews, and their respective butters( almond butter is so good !) Tubers- Sweet potatoes and yams.

* If you can, aim for grass-fed beef and organic fruits and veggies. But don’t go break the bank with your food buys. Merely do the best you can.

As the Paleo Diet explains: Pick any of the foods from that listing and eat as much as you want of them.

You might have noticed that a lot of the foods above are loaded with fat. And depending on what your mom told you growing up, you might believe fat is the devil.

So let me address that right away…

Does Eating Fat Make You Fat?

If you’re cut back on carbs, that means you’ll need to fill the void in your diet with the most controversial macronutrient :P TAGEND

Fat!

It’s gotten a bad rap over the past number of decades, so companies have been doing everything possible to induce everything low fat and “healthy! ”( while adding all sorts of preservatives, chemicals, and sugar ).

Yup…cut out the fat, increase the carbs….and look where THAT has gotten us.

Why has fat been vilified? Rather than get into the politics of it myself, I’ll let Gary Taubes, writer of the unbelievably thorough and well-researched Good Calories, Bad Calories take over.

As he discusses in an article he wrote for the New York Times a decade ago: [ 2 ]

These researchers point out that there are plenty of reasons to suggest that the low-fat-is-good-health hypothesis has now effectively failed the test of day.

In particular, that we are in the midst of an obesity epidemic that started around the early 1980′ s, and that this was coincident with the rise of the low-fat dogma.( Type 2 diabetes, the most common form of the disease, also rose significantly through this period .)

They say that low-fat weight-loss diets have proved in clinical trials and real life to be dismal failings, and that on top of everything is, the percentage of fat in the American diet has been decreasing for two decades.

Our cholesterol levels have been declining, and we have been smoking less, and yet the incidence of heart disease has not declined as would be expected.” That is very disconcerting ,” Willett says.” It suggests that something else bad is happening .”

” Low fat” foods were created to follow conventional wisdom that fat hit you fat( which as stated in the above article doesn’t stand up to scrutiny ).

When a company makes a low fat food, they remove the fat and have to replace the flavor with something.

That “something” is usually sugar( and often more calories ).

Crap.

So, according to Taubes and Paleo folks, fat has been vilified and the real focus should have been on sugar and carbs all along.

Because healthy fats are valuable additions to our diet.

Here are some examples of Paleo-Approved Healthy Fats :P TAGEND

Avocados Almond( and almond butter) Fatty cuts of meat Walnuts Coconut oil Olive oil

In the Paleo Diet, fat constructions up a large portion of one’s diet.

If you’re worried about consuming fat and how it will affect your cholesterol, read our Full Guide to Cholesterol

WhAT Foods Can’t I eat On the Paleo Diet?

If you are looking to strictly follow the Paleo Diet, then you can’t eat foods that did not exist back in” Caveman day .”

Why?

Because- as those in favour of the diet point out- cavemen couldn’t eat those foods because they didn’t exist. There was no way to create cereal and candy – you could only eat what you discovered or hunted.

So, that’s what the Paleo Diet advocates as the reason for avoiding these foods. And it serves as a good mental model to check with yourself: “Could a caveman have eaten this meal? ”

And when you start to answer this question, you identify the foods that you’re not allowed to eat on the Paleo Diet :P TAGEND

Grains like pasta, cereal bread, and rice Dairy like milk and cheese Candy, cookies, ice cream, and other processed foods

The Paleo Diet also almost completely eliminates sugar outside of fruit. No candy. No soda. No powdered donuts. Yup, even the mini white ones from the grocery store where you can eat like 100 of them( accidentally, of course ).

Many studies have shown that an incredible number of diseases and lifestyle issues can be reversed by cutting out sugar and processed foods.[ 3 ]

But I understand grains and dairy are a bit more complex.

Let me explain :P TAGEND Can I Eat Grains on the Paleo Diet?

Unfortunately , nope.

The Caveman reason why: Grains require some amount of processing, and thus Cavemen would not have consume them.

The science and psychological reason why: we have a tendency to overeat grains and the other ” no no” foods on the Paleo Diet. They are calorically dense, nutrient insufficient, and they can wreak havoc on some people’s blood sugar levels.

This leads to a sugar rush followed by a accident, which can lead to more emotional or hungry overeating…and the process starts again.

Rather than me explain that part with thousands of words, just watch this three-minute video-” Why You Got Fat :”

Let’s get into some more reasons Paleo proponents indicate avoiding grains: most contain gluten and lectins.

What are they and what’s wrong with them? I’m so glad you asked :P TAGEND

Gluten is a protein found in things like rye, wheat, and barley. It’s now being said that much of our population may be gluten-intolerant( hence all the new “gluten-free! ” items popping up everywhere ). Over time, those people who have gluten intolerant can develop a dismal array of medical conditions from ingesting gluten: dermatitis, joint ache, reproductive problems, acid reflux, and more.[ 4 ] Lectins are natural toxins that are present in grains to defend against consumption! Yup. Grains have evolved to keep themselves from being feed by us. These lectins are not a fan of our gastrointestinal tract, and they avoid the tract from repairing itself from normal wear and tear. This can cause all kinds of damage.

Long story short: many people cannot process grains properly, and they are usually the food that causes people to eat too many calories. So by eliminating grains from your diet, you’re more likely than not going to eat fewer calories without counting calories.

That’s a Paleo win!

Do I Need to Avoid Carbs on the Paleo Diet?

Not necessarily.

That depends on your goals and your body – you are a special snowflake!

Some people function well on a high fat, low carb diet.

Others function better on a high carb, low fat diet.

Personally, I function better on a higher carb, lower fat diet( which is how I lost 22 pounds in 6 months ).

I will say the Paleo Diet is USUALLY a Low Carb diet, and large quantities of carbs are not required for somebody to be healthy regular diet.[ 5 ].

After all, carbs aren’t evil- they’re just…carbs.

Here is the logic and psychology behind why the Paleo Diet is low carb :P TAGEND

On a typical Western diet, we ingest plenty o’ carbs, and our bodies convert those carbs to a sugar called “glucose.” This is our body’s preferred method of fueling itself.

In the absence of carbs to create glucose to fuel our bodies, we have to do a few other things instead :P TAGEND

Transform stored fat into glycerol and fatty acids( this process is called lipolysis ). Burn fatty acids for energy or transform the fatty acids into glucose for energy( this is called gluconeogenesis) In the absence of glucose( through fasting or following a Keto Diet ), your body can create ketones for fuel( called “ketogenesis” ).

We’re going to focus on the forms of weight loss NOT related to ” ketogenesis .” Unless you are avoiding all carbohydrates while running Paleo, or you are doing long fasts, you most likely won’t be in ketosis while going Paleo.

We do cover Paleo vs Keto: Which is Better if you’re deciding between the two.

Back to weight loss and Paleo: when you cut back on carbs, and thus most likely ALSO cut back on total calories ingested, you are creating a caloric deficit in your body.

And eat a consistent deficit over a long enough time period, BOOM caveman weight loss.

So, fewer carbs= less glucose in your system, less sugar crashes, less “hangry” moments and smaller chance of overeating= fewer calories consumed on average.

If you’re worried about adherence to the diet, I understand – it’s the toughest part of Paleo- sticking with it!

Knowing what to eat is part of it, but following this fairly restrictive lifestyle in a modern environment surrounded by cookies and candy and bagels and pasta is really difficult!

If this whole” Paleo, Carbs, and Weight Loss” thing is stressing you out, you’re not alone!

In fact, people like you are the reason we created our 1-on-1 Online Coaching Program!

We work with busy people like you to structure a complete life overhaul: handcrafted workout routines, accountability, mindset alters, and nutritional strategies.

Can I feed Dairy on the Paleo Diet? Can I eat Cheese On the Paleo Diet?

This also depends. Strict Paleo folks tend to stay away from it- a portion of the world is lactose intolerant, and those that aren’t usually have at least some type of an aversion to it.

Why? Because hunter-gatherers didn’t lug cows around with them while traveling- milk was ingested as a baby through breast milk from their mother, and that was it.

So as Paleo-stans will tell ya, our bodies weren’t designed for massive dairy consumption.

There is evidence that some adaptation to dairy has taken place throughout the years, specifically with people with ancestry in herding cultures, but this is not the majority of the population.[ 6 ]

Paleo purists will avoid dairy like the beset, while other paleo-ish people have found that ingesting dairy in its various forms work for their genetics, goals, and lifestyle.

“What about Cheese? Can I feed cheese on the Paleo Diet? ”

You do you, boo. But if you’re going Strict Paleo, then unfortunately cheese is OUT too.

If you’re just looking to lose some weight while following a “mostly Paleo” lifestyle, then adding some high quality cheese into some of your snacks can be okay.

Some cheeses will tend to have lower sums of lactose or casein- the parts of dairy that can cause digestion challenges.

So, if you’re not sure your body is processing dairy properly, remove dairy from your diet and only introduce it back in when you’re ready to see how your body responds.

If you’re not losing weight while feeing a” Paleo+ Dairy” Diet, you’re still feeing too many calories.

Consider cutting out dairy and see how your body responds.

Paleo Diet Shopping Guide: List of Foods on the Paleo Diet

Because I like you as person or persons, I’ve created a printable Paleo Diet Shopping List PDF you can bring with you to the grocery store to help you decide what to buy and what to avoid.

Simply right click on the image below and save as :P TAGEND

Feel free to publish this out and bring it with you to the grocery store. If you happen to run into somebody else who has ALSO printed out this sheet, feel free to high five each other while singing Baltimora!

What is a Typical Day Like on the Paleo Diet?

Here is an example of a typical day on “The Paleo Diet” :P TAGEND

Breakfast: Omelet with spinach with fresh fruit. Lunch: Grilled chicken, kale, and avocado salad with vinegar and olive oil. Snack: Apple slicings and almond butter. Dinner: Steak with asparagus and sweet potato fries. Dessert: Strawberries and a piece of 85% darknes chocolate.

That doesn’t audio so bad, right?

Make sure you check out our Paleo Diet Recipes and Resource section too for more options.

Start with a good protein source with each dinner( eggs, steak, chicken, fish, pork) and then add a vegetable or fruit.

That’s it.

If you feel hungry constantly, understand that changing up a diet can cause a body a few weeks of adjustment.

Remember, your body is learning to operate on both fewer calories AND fewer carbs- depending on how low carb you go this could be a DRAMATIC change.

And this is often referred to as “carb flu, ” and it can be miserable! Your body might take multiple weeks to adjust to these new habits.

Going from a processed, high sodium diet to a paleo diet you will very often end up eating too little sodium, which is an essential nutrient.

So if you’re feeling tired all the time, try adding some salt to your food or consider an electrolyte supplement- this is what we recommend with our Keto readers too.

Is the Paleo Diet Dangerous?

The dismissive criticisms of the Paleo Diet generally fall into one of three categories :P TAGEND

Cavemen had short lifespans. So there. A recent article said that cavemen feed grains. So there. Eating that much meat is unhealthy. So there.

As I said at the beginning of this article, it doesn’t matter what cavemen or cavewomen ACTUALLY ate.

The reason this diet runs has nothing to do with what our bodies are designed to eat or what cavemen ate 1,000 s of years ago.

The Paleo Diet CAN help you lose weight because it gets you to cut out junk food, focus on eating real food, and gives you a framework to evaluate speedily every food choice :P TAGEND

” Did a caveman eat this? Yes or no .”

That’s it!

By following this ONE rules, you’re likely to eat fewer calories than you used to, and thus you’re likely to end up healthier than before.

I personally don’t follow a Paleo Diet, but I do appreciate the fact that it’s easy to comprehend and gets people to take a more active approach in their food!

So, disregarding the fear mongering, tenet, and anthropological criticisms of what cavemen actually ate, what are the ACTUAL criticisms of the Paleo Diet?

# 1)” Why is the Paleo Diet expensive ?”

Admittedly, while I recommend eating organic fruits and veggies, free-range chicken, and grass-fed beef whenever possible, these products can be more expensive in conventional stores due to the processes needed to get them there.

However, farmers’ marketplaces often have well-priced meats, eggs, fruits, and vegetables that are locally grown and unbelievably healthy.

Even if you’re spending a little more money than before, when you factor in your overall health, spending a few extra bucks on healthier food now is a wiser investment than thousands later on costly medical expenses.

Also, if you’re really short on cash, feeing the non-organic or grain-fed version of a meat, vegetable, or eggs is still better than eating breads, pasta, fast food, and the like.

Most people simply compare the cost of a paleo meal with ramen noodles or pasta and bread and determine Paleo is prohibitively expensive.

Sure, it’s more expensive than those foods, but if you are smart with your fund you can eat a much healthier snack and do really pretty inexpensively. Check out this guide on” How to Eat Healthy Without Breaking the Bank” for some tip-off and tricks.

( This doesn’t even factor in the whole” if you feed cheap unhealthy food now, you’ll pay thousands in medical bills and hospital visits and medications later” argument which is valid too ).

# 2)” But cavemen had short lifespans! Of course they don’t have the diseases we do. We live style longer now .”

I agree with you here, but merely because you don’t have to deal with the dangers of living back then. Again we don’t really care to live like cave people!

This is SIMPLY a construct that can help many attain more informed food choices.

# 3)” Plenty of societies around the world consume grains and aren’t fat and unhealthy like us .”

Awesome- it seems like those people have found a solution that works for them. Have you read our big ass guidebook to eating a Plant-Based Diet?

The China Study is frequently cited when blaming the Paleo Diet- are concentrated on a vegetarian diet and ingesting rice is healthier than the Paleo Diet. I respectfully disagree with the conclusions drawn from that volume but that’s awesome if you want to go plant-based! [ 7 ] I’ll leave you to induce your own conclusions based on your own self-experimentation.

You’re here to learn about the Paleo Diet though, so let’s keep the focus there.

# 4)” But this is just a meat diet, and eating all meat is bad !”

First of all, consider your sources and do your search before jumping to the conclusions.

Next, this is not an all meat diet like the Carnivore Diet or uber-low carb diets like Keto or Atkins. The biggest component of the Paleo Diet?

Vegetables!

Every meal in a true Paleo diet has a moderate amount of healthy( properly raised chicken, grass-fed beef, hormone free, etc .) meat combined with nutritious veggies or a moderate quantity of fruit.

# 5)” The Paleo Diet is too restrictive and I can’t live like this .”

This is the most valid criticism I personally have of the diet, as the best diet plan is the one you actually stick with and be adhered to on! The goal shouldn’t be to go” full paleo” for a few weeks merely to go back to how you were eating before.

Instead, the goal here should be to rethink your relationship with food and develop a strategy that you can live with permanently.

There’s nothing worse than going on diets and gaining and losing the same 20 pounds over and over. The Paleo Diet, like other diets, WORKS ONLY IF YOU STICK WITH IT PERMANENTLY!

This attains sense after all: stimulate temporary alterations, get temporary results, right?

# 6)” Steve, I hate vegetables. How do you induce veggies savour better? HALP .”

I got you. Heres how to start liking vegetables and how to construct veggies savour better.

We know this all too well, and we have helped thousands of people slowwwwly transition their diet over a long period of time to make change less scary, more permanent, and thus construct the weight loss permanent too!

If you’re overwhelmed or scared of changing too much, or maybe you’re just sick of dieting and want to find a solution that works for your busy lifestyle and situation, schedule a bellow with us to gain a better understanding of our 1-on-1 coaching program :P TAGEND

Paleo Recipes and Paleo Resource

Here’s our full list of Nerd Fitness Paleo/ Healthy recipes, and here are my three favourites :P TAGEND

10 Minutes of Prep, 10 Easy Meals Paleo spaghetti: freaking delicious, I promise How to Make Mini Paleo Pizzas .

I’ve also compiled a list of my favorite sites and recipe books around the internet that can help you get started :P TAGEND

# 1) Nom Nom Paleo -~ ATAGEND Michelle Tam and her husband Henry are amazing people, and their Paleo Blog is absolutely phenomenal. Great photos. Well written. Organized intelligently.

Their “Nom Nom Paleo” cookbook is a fun resource too, and a great place to get started with cooking for your Paleo lifestyle. Oh, what’s that? You have kids and a spouse and you’re all trying to eat healthier too? This volume is perfect for that as well!

# 2) Mark’s Daily Apple– Easily the most comprehensive resource on the internet for the Paleo Diet- Mark writes an article every weekday about everything Paleo, and it usually blows me away. Some of the posts can get overwhelming, so I suggest starting with his Primal Blueprint 101.

The Primal Blueprint– If you want to read about this stuff in a volume rather than on a computer screen, Mark’s book The Primal Blueprint is a great place to get started on not only what to eat, but why you should be eating it.

It’s educational, funny, real-world applicable, and teaches you how to primalize( just made that up) the rest of your life too.

# 3) Robb Wolf– Another great resource, and a guy I’ve already referenced in this article multiple times. Check out his site for a comprehensive FAQ on all things Paleo, a shopping list pdf( right-click and save ), and plenty of humor.

The Paleo Solution– This article would have been finished 3 hours earlier, but before I wrote it, I read ALL of Robb’s new book. It severely had me chuckling out loud at certain points- not bad for a volume on diet!

This book is a little less forgiving than Mark’s book above, but it’s still a great read.

# 4) Loren Cordain– Loren is considered the leading expert on the Paleo Diet- Robb is actually one of his students/ followers/ Padawans.

Dr. Cordain is probably the foremost authority on this type of eating, which is why I really enjoyed reading both of his books.

MORE RECIPE Resource :P TAGEND

Ready or Not! 150 Make Now Recipes– The newer book from Michelle Tam of Nom Nom Paleo. It’s super fun. Plus she’s wearing a Nerd FItness t-shirt in some of her photos in the book, so I might be sliiiightly biased Mark’s Daily Apple– Although he sells the cookbook on Amazon, Mark also lists over 100 free primal recipes on his site. Pick something on the list, go buy the ingredients, and follow the instructions! So easy even a caveman can do it. Everyday Paleo– Great paintings, easy to follow recipes, and pretty interesting combinations. Click on FOOD in the Nav bar, and the meals are broken down into breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

If you’re curious about The Paleo Diet’s recent popularity and thus it’s criticisms, we’ve written two other pieces on Nerd Fitness that might be of interest :P TAGEND

” The Paleo Diet Debunked ??” where I address a few of the more recent criticisms that have popped up.

” In Defense of a Paleo-Ish Diet” where I cover how to live a largely Paleo lifestyle but still enjoy the modern benefits of society.

Who Should and Who Shouldn’t Do the Paleo Diet?

I’m a fan of the Paleo Diet for the RIGHT person:

I love mental models that help us make sense of the world, and I suppose for SOME people, the Paleo Diet has certainly help them cut down on overeating.

I personally do NOT follow a Paleo Diet, but I do have rules that I follow.

Do whatever builds you happy and accommodates in your schedule. I like this kind of stress-free eating.

Regardless of whether or not grains should be vilified, I love this diet because I know it WORKS. I know people that have lost incredible amounts of weight and altered their lives within a matter of months.

People like Staci :P TAGEND

Regardless of how you feel about grains, we can all agree that eating more natural foods and less processed foods is better for you.

YOU SHOULD DO THE PALEO DIET IF :P TAGEND

You struggle with portion control( entailing you can’t eat just one cookie, or you tend to keep eating even when you’re full ). You can stick with the changes you’re making permanently! Remember, temporary alters make temporary results. You don’t mind eliminating some of your favorite foods entirely.

YOU SHOULD NOT DO THE PALEO DIET IF :P TAGEND

The idea of giving up non-paleo foods makes you want to cry. You don’t mind learning about calories and want to track your food. Another diet sounds like a better fit for you!

Consider some of these other options instead:

The Mediterranean Diet which still includes portions of things like pasta or bread( note: I said Sections , not platefuls )! Our guide on healthy eating and slowly adjust your nutrition- which would be my recommendation. My paleo-ish dietary philosophy that maintains me healthy and happy.

If you want to lose weight and keep it off, you need to make permanent adjustments to your nutrition.

If you don’t see yourself being able to permanently follow a Paleo Diet, I would advise a more’ wade in from the shallow end‘ approach to dietary change!

How to Do the Paleo Diet Safely

Maybe you’re ready to try out this Paleo lifestyle, but you can’t commit fully. There are certain foods you refuse to give up, or you can’t afford to buy grass-fed beef at the moment.

That’s okay!

If you can even make a few small changes here and there( cut out liquid calories, switching out your rice for steamed veggies, cut back on bread, etc .) you’ll start to see some changes.

Remember, 20% healthier is better than 0% healthier- as you get more comfortable with the changes you can increase that percentage.

After all, I know how tough it is to stay loyal to a strict diet, especially without a plan to follow. It’s why we created free resources that can help you reach your goals faster without you also going crazy.

Get rid of the temptation: if you’re gonna go at this thing with a full head of steam, remove all the junk food from your house.

It’s going to take a few weeks for your body to adjust to burning fat instead of glucose, and you might want to eat poorly here and there. If there’s no food in your house to tempt you, it will be much easier to stay on target.

Now, it’s your turn.

Have you tried the Paleo Diet yet? What was your experience like? Have a criticism of the diet that I didn’t cover before? Do you have a favorite paleo resource?

Remember, one of the major Rules of the Rebellion is to question everything!

I hope this article gives you some food for thought( terrible pun, I know ), and gives you permission to question conventional wisdom and start addressing the issues in your diet!

In addition to this Beginner Paleo Guide, I hope you consider checking our 1-on-1 Coaching Program as well.

We have designed this program from the ground up to help people like you change their lives and fix their nutrition in a way that doesn’t suck.

Now, go forth. And feed like a caveman.

-Steve

PS: I’ll leave you with a mention of the Nerd Fitness Academy– it essentially gamifies your experience in transitioning into a Paleo lifestyle and diet, and provides you with specific instruction, meal plans, workouts, and a supportive community.

###

photo sources: cavemen elephant hunt, caveman cooking over flame, cavemen hunt paleo bear, milk truck logo, darth vader vendor, storm trooper tomato, lego cook, chef and lego pig, lego explorer, lego muffin, lego bread and carbs, frozen caveman grok lego, lego clock, lego caveman forge for food, caveman with wheel, darth vader and ostrich lego, easing into water lego, lego man with pasta

Footnotes( returns to text)

Adult Obesity Prevalence Map CDC.gov

What if its all Been a Big Fat Lie ? Take a look at this time magazine article on cancer patients who switched to a zero-sugar diet and considered positive results. You can read our full guide on Gluten check out the Inuit Paradox for a great read on societies that exist without almost any carbohydrates If you want to nerd out about this stuff, go wild with this study This is the most well-researched criticism I’ve receive of the China Study: Denise Menger- China Study- Fact or Fallacy

Read more: nerdfitness.com

[fitnessexpert00-blog]

Paleo Diet Beginner Guide: 7 Things You Should Know Before Eating Like a Caveman!

New Post has been published on https://fitnessqia.com/awesome/paleo-diet-beginner-guide-7-things-you-should-know-before-eating-like-a-caveman/

Paleo Diet Beginner Guide: 7 Things You Should Know Before Eating Like a Caveman!

So you wanna learn about the Paleo Diet, aka” the Caveman Diet ,” eh?

This is one of the most popular diets on the planet right now( up there with the Keto Diet ), and I bet you have questions.

Well I got answers, sucka!

And lots of LEGO photos.

In this massive guidebook, I’m going to give you the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to the Paleolithic Diet( click each link to go right to that segment ):

What is the Paleo Diet and how does it run ? Will I lose weight on the Paleo Diet ? What can I eat on the Paleo Diet ? What foods CAN’T I eat on the Paleo Diet ? Can I eat grains on the Paleo Diet ? Can I feed dairy on the Paleo Diet? Can I feed cheese on the Paleo Diet ? Paleo Diet Shopping Guide: List of foods on the Paleo Diet What does a typical day look like on the Paleo Diet ? Is the Paleo Diet dangerous ? Paleo Recipes& Paleo Resource . Who shouldn’t do the Paleo Diet ? How to do the Paleo Diet safely .

Now, this guide is SUPER long, we are therefore took the liberty of converting it into a nicely designed guidebook for easy consumption( not literal intake, unless you publish it on bacon ).

Grab your Beginner’s Guide to the Paleo Diet free when you sign up in the box below: Get the FREE eBook! The Ultimate Beginner’s Guide to Paleo!

Discover if Paleo is for you

The one simple trick to know if your food is Paleo-friendly

Easy Paleo recipes for beginners to get you started

I identify as a:

Woman

Man

If you can actually apply the standards of the the Paleo lifestyle, you can get some pretty solid results.

As the great Mr. Flintstone once said, “Yabadabadooooo!”

What is the Paleo Diet and How does it Work?

Oh lord, another “diet.”

I know, it sounds like a fad/ marketing gambit, but The Paleo Diet isn’t really a “diet,” and it’s actually quite logical when you think about it.

It’s also the most time-tested diet ever.

Here’s the ENTIRE diet in a nutshell :P TAGEND

” If a cave person didn’t eat it, neither should you .”

As the hypothesi goes, tens of thousands of years ago, before Nike, Cap’n Crunch, and Healthy Choice snacks, our ancient ancestors flourished as hunter-gatherers.

Although it’s been a really long time, our genetics haven’t altered that much since then.

And yet…these days we’re overweight, out of shape, stressed out, unhappy, sleep deprived and dying from far too many preventable illness due to lifestyle choices.

So what the hell happened?

Agriculture!

And then delivery and Netflix.

A few thousand years ago, humans detected farming, the agricultural revolution took off, and we advanced from hunter-gatherers to farmers.

We determined down, formed societies, and the human race progressed to what we are today. Which is obviously great for a number of reasons :P TAGEND

Not getting eaten by wild animals Electricity Automobiles Nintendo

The problem is that our bodies never adjusted properly to eating all the grains and sugar that we’re now consuming.

As paleo guru Robb Wolf sets it, should be considered a 100 -yard football field :P TAGEND

The first 99.5 yards are how long Homo-Sapiens spent as hunter-gatherers. As they became Really good at hunting and collecting our bodies adapted to that lifestyle over thousands of years.

That last half-yard represents our species after the agricultural revolution, where our diet has shifted( but our genetics haven’t ).

So, instead of loading up on meat, vegetables and seasonal fruits, we’ve become a species “dependent” upon grains- bread, pasta, rice, corn, and so on.

66% of us are overweight, 33% are considered obese, and those numbers are only getting worse.[ 1 ]

Clearly something’s not right, and we need to fix it.

The Paleo Diet is an effort to go back to our ancestral roots.

To start eating how we’re biologically designed to eat, allowing us to tap into our genetic potential and start live healthier immediately.

To recap the rules of the Paleo Diet :P TAGEND

Only feed foods a caveman would eat See Rule# 1

Note that it doesn’t mention calorie counting or meal period or macro tracking. That’s part of the popularity of this diet: feed paleo approved foods when you’re hungry, and that’s it.

Will I Lose Weight on the Paleo Diet?

This is the question we get above all else :P TAGEND

” Will the Paleo Diet assist me lose weight ?”

Probably. If you can actually apply the rules of the Paleo lifestyle, you can get some pretty solid results.

It’s helped many people attain jaw-dropping transformations, including my friend Saint,( whose narrative you can read here ):

Or Staci from Team NF, our result female trainer in our 1-on-1 Coaching Program ):

The Paleo Diet will work for you, if you do it right.

You need to have the right mindset, you need to focus on the right foods, and you need to structure your environment so that you’re not seduced to backslide and abandon the Paleo Diet after a few days.

However, it has nothing to do with what Fred Flintstone ate or didn’t eat.

It comes down to science and thermodynamics.

As I point out in our article on How to Lose Weight: What’s the Perfect Diet( For me ?), if you want to lose weight :P TAGEND

Eat fewer calories than you burn every day. Want to also be healthy? Eat mostly real food.

Want to KEEP the weight off?

Add# 3: Do those two things consistently for a decade.

Here’s WHY you’ll lose weight on the Paleo Diet:

You’re merely feeing meat, fish, veggies, fruit, and nuts. These are foods that are full of nutrients, will construct you feel full, but don’t have nearly as many calories as junk food. You are altogether eliminating calorie-dense, often nutritionally insufficient, unhealthy foods. This means no grains( pasta, bread, rice ), no dairy , no beans. It also entails no soda , no candy , no sugar.

And yup. When you only feed real food and avoided all unhealthy food, you’re more likely than not going to run a caloric deficit- and thus lose weight.

Let me share a really obvious example.

200 calories of broccoli get you enough to fill up an entire plate :P TAGEND

Or … 200 calories will get you exactly 1/2 a Snickers bar :P TAGEND

Look at that: nobody can eat that much broccoli, and nobody only fees half a candy bar!

My point is this: by eating Paleo-approved foods, you’re more likely than not to eat fewer calories than you did in the past automatically, which can lead to weight loss.

I dig into this in even greater detail in” Why can’t I lose weight ?” but it all comes down to” calories in, calories out .”

So YES, the Paleo Diet MIGHT help you lose weight.

You simply need to eat fewer calories than you burn every day( Here’s how to calculate your Total Daily Energy Expenditure ). And that is easier when you are eliminating foods that people tend to overeat :P TAGEND

Candy Soda Pasta Bread Dairy

But that’s all about what we’re eliminating. What are we maintaining !?

what Can I eat on The Paleo diet?

In order to follow the Paleo Diet Lifestyle, here are the foods that are Paleo endorse :P TAGEND

Meat*- steak, ham, pork, bison, boar. Organs- liver, kidneys, heart. Marrow- insuring a topic here? Eat ALL parts of the animal! Fowl- chicken, duck, hen, turkey…things with wings that( try to) fly. Fish- cod, tuna, salmon, and so on. Eggs- Look for omega-3 enriched cage-free eggs. Veggie- spinach, broccoli, kale, carrots, peppers, zucchini, onions, etc. Petroleum- minimally processed, derived from plants: olive oil, coconut oil, avocado petroleum. Fats: ghee, lard, or other animal fats. Fruits- apples, pears, bananas, grapes, strawberries. Nuts- almonds, walnuts, cashews, and their respective butters( almond butter is so good !) Tubers- Sweet potatoes and yams.

* If you can, aim for grass-fed beef and organic fruits and vegetables. But don’t go break the bank with your food purchases. Merely do the best you can.

As the Paleo Diet explains: Pick any of the foods from that listing and eat as much as you want of them.

You might have noticed that a lot of the foods above are loaded with fat. And depending on what your mom told you growing up, you might believe fat is the devil.

So let me address that right away…

Does Eating Fat Make You Fat?

If you’re cutting back on carbs, that means you’ll need to fill the void in your diet with the most controversial macronutrient :P TAGEND

Fat!

It’s gotten a bad rap over the past number of decades, so companies have been doing everything possible to make everything low fat and “healthy! ”( while adding all sorts of preservatives, chemicals, and sugar ).

Yup…cut out the fat, increase the carbs….and appear where THAT has gotten us.

Why has fat been vilified? Rather than get into the politics of it myself, I’ll let Gary Taubes, author of the incredibly thorough and well-researched Good Calories, Bad Calories take over.

As he discusses in an article he wrote for the New York Times a decade ago: [ 2 ]

These researchers point out that there are plenty of reasons to suggest that the low-fat-is-good-health hypothesis has now effectively failed the test of period.

In particular, that we are in the midst of an obesity epidemic that started around the early 1980′ s, and that this was coincident with the rise of the low-fat dogma.( Type 2 diabetes, the most common form of the disease, also rose significantly through this period .)

They say that low-fat weight-loss diets have proved in clinical trials and real life to be dismal failings, and that on top of it all, the percentage of fat in the American diet has been decreasing for two decades.

Our cholesterol levels have been declining, and we have been smoking less, and yet the incidence of heart disease has not declined as expected to be completed.” That is very disconcerting ,” Willett says.” It suggests that something else bad is happening .”

” Low fat” foods were created to follow conventional wisdom that fat construct you fat( which as stated in the above article doesn’t stand up to scrutiny ).

When a company makes a low fat food, they remove the fat and have to replace the flavor with something.

That “something” is usually sugar( and often more calories ).

Crap.

So, according to Taubes and Paleo folks, fat has been vilified and the real focus should have been on sugar and carbs all along.

Because healthy fats are valuable additions to our diet.

Here are some examples of Paleo-Approved Healthy Fats :P TAGEND

Avocados Almond( and almond butter) Fatty cuts of meat Walnuts Coconut oil Olive oil

In the Paleo Diet, fat constructions up a large portion of one’s diet.

If you’re worried about consuming fat and how it will affect your cholesterol, read our Full Guide to Cholesterol

WhAT Foods Can’t I feed On the Paleo Diet?

If you are looking to strictly follow the Paleo Diet, then you can’t eat foods that did not exist back in” Caveman day .”

Why?

Because- as those in favour of the diet point out- cavemen couldn’t eat those foods because they didn’t exist. There was no way to create cereal and candy – you could only eat what you observed or hunted.

So, that’s what the Paleo Diet advocates as the reason for avoiding these foods. And it serves as a good mental model to check with yourself: “Could a caveman have eaten this snack? ”

And when you start to answer this question, you specifying the foods that you’re not allowed to eat on the Paleo Diet :P TAGEND

Grains like pasta, cereal bread, and rice Dairy like milk and cheese Candy, cookies, ice cream, and other processed foods

The Paleo Diet also almost completely eliminates sugar outside of fruit. No candy. No soda. No powdered donuts. Yup, even the mini white ones from the grocery store where you can eat like 100 of them( accidentally, of course ).

Many studies have shown that an incredible number of diseases and lifestyle issues can be reversed by cutting out sugar and processed foods.[ 3 ]

But I understand grains and dairy are a bit more complex.

Let me explain :P TAGEND Can I Eat Grains on the Paleo Diet?

Unfortunately , nope.

The Caveman reason why: Grains require some amount of processing, and thus Cavemen would not have feed them.

The science and psychological reason why: we have a tendency to overeat grains and the other ” no no” foods on the Paleo Diet. They are calorically dense, nutrient deficient, and they can wreak havoc on some people’s blood sugar levels.

This leads to a sugar rush be accompanied by a crash, which can lead to more emotional or hungry overeating…and the process starts again.

Rather than me explain that part with thousands of words, just watch this three-minute video-” Why You Got Fat :”

Let’s get into some more reasons Paleo proponents indicate avoiding grains: most contain gluten and lectins.

What are they and what’s wrong with them? I’m so glad you asked :P TAGEND

Gluten is a protein found in things like rye, wheat, and barley. It’s now being said that much of our population may be gluten-intolerant( hence all the new “gluten-free! ” items popping up everywhere ). Over period, those people who have gluten intolerant can develop a dismal array of medical conditions from consuming gluten: dermatitis, joint pain, reproductive problems, acid reflux, and more.[ 4 ] Lectins are natural toxins that are present in grains to defend against consumption! Yup. Grains have evolved to keep themselves from being eaten by us. These lectins are not a fan of our gastrointestinal tract, and they prevent the tract from repairing itself from normal wear and tear. This can cause all kinds of damage.

Long story short: many people cannot process grains properly, and they are usually the food that causes people to eat too many calories. So by eliminating grains from your diet, you’re more likely than not going to eat fewer calories without counting calories.

That’s a Paleo win!

Do I Need to Avoid Carbs on the Paleo Diet?

Not inevitably.

That depends on your goals and your body – you are a special snowflake!

Some people function well on a high fat, low carb diet.

Others function better on a high carb, low fat diet.

Personally, I function better on a higher carb, lower fat diet( which is how I lost 22 pounds in 6 months ).

I will say the Paleo Diet is USUALLY a Low Carb diet, and large quantities of carbs are not required for somebody to be healthy regular diet.[ 5 ].

After all, carbs aren’t evil- they’re just…carbs.

Here is the logic and psychology behind why the Paleo Diet is low carb :P TAGEND

On a typical Western diet, we devour plenty o’ carbs, and our bodies convert those carbs to a sugar called “glucose.” This is our body’s preferred method of fueling itself.

In the absence of carbs to create glucose to fuel our bodies, we have to do a few other things instead :P TAGEND

Transform stored fat into glycerol and fatty acids( this process is called lipolysis ). Burn fatty acids for energy or transform the fatty acids into glucose for energy( this is called gluconeogenesis) In the absence of glucose( through fasting or following a Keto Diet ), your body are generating ketones for gasoline( called “ketogenesis” ).

We’re going to focus on the forms of weight loss NOT related to ” ketogenesis .” Unless you are avoiding all carbohydrates while running Paleo, or you are doing long fasts, you most likely won’t be in ketosis while going Paleo.

We do cover Paleo vs Keto: Which is Better if you’re deciding between the two.

Back to weight loss and Paleo: when you cut back on carbs, and thus most likely ALSO cut back on total calories ate, you are creating a caloric deficit in your body.

And eat a consistent deficit over a long enough time period, BOOM caveman weight loss.

So, fewer carbs= less glucose in your system, less sugar crashes, less “hangry” moments and smaller chance of overeating= fewer calories consumed on average.

If you’re worried about adherence to the diet, I understand – it’s the toughest part of Paleo- sticking with it!

Knowing what to eat is part of it, but following this fairly restrictive lifestyle in a modern environment surrounded by cookies and candy and bagels and pasta is really difficult!

If this whole” Paleo, Carbs, and Weight Loss” thing is emphasizing you out, you’re not alone!

In fact, people like you are the reason we created our 1-on-1 Online Coaching Program!

We work with busy people like you to structure a complete life overhaul: handcrafted workout routines, accountability, mindset changes, and nutritional strategies.

Can I feed Dairy on the Paleo Diet? Can I feed Cheese On the Paleo Diet?

This also depends. Strict Paleo folks tend to stay away from it- a portion of the world is lactose intolerant, and those that aren’t usually have at least some type of an aversion to it.

Why? Because hunter-gatherers didn’t lug cows around with them while traveling- milk was eaten as a newborn through breast milk from their mom, and that was it.

So as Paleo-stans will tell ya, our bodies weren’t designed for massive dairy consumption.

There is evidence that some adaptation to dairy has taken place throughout the years, specifically with people with pedigree in herding cultures, but this is not the majority of the population.[ 6 ]

Paleo purists will avoid dairy like the plague, while other paleo-ish people have found that devouring dairy in its various sorts work for their genetics, aims, and lifestyle.

“What about Cheese? Can I eat cheese on the Paleo Diet? ”

You do you, boo. But if you’re going Strict Paleo, then regrettably cheese is OUT too.

If you’re just looking to lose some weight while following a “mostly Paleo” lifestyle, then adding some high quality cheese into some of your meals can be okay.

Some cheeses will tend to have lower amounts of lactose or casein- the parts of dairy that can cause digestion challenges.

So, if you’re not sure your body is processing dairy properly, remove dairy from your diet and only introduce it back in when you’re ready to see how your body responds.

If you’re not losing weight while feeing a” Paleo+ Dairy” Diet, you’re still eating too many calories.

Consider cutting out dairy and see how your body responds.

Paleo Diet Shopping Guide: List of Food on the Paleo Diet

Because I like you as a person, I’ve generated a printable Paleo Diet Shopping List PDF you can bring with you to the grocery store to help you decide what to buy and what to avoid.

Simply right click on the image below and save as :P TAGEND

Feel free to publish this out and bringing it with you to the grocery store. If you happen to run into somebody else who has ALSO printed out this sheet, feel free to high five each other while singing Baltimora!

What is a Typical Day Like on the Paleo Diet?

Here is an example of a typical day on “The Paleo Diet” :P TAGEND

Breakfast: Omelet with spinach with fresh fruit. Lunch: Grilled chicken, kale, and avocado salad with vinegar and olive oil. Snack: Apple slicings and almond butter. Dinner: Steak with asparagus and sweet potato fries. Dessert: Strawberries and a piece of 85% dark chocolate.

That doesn’t voice so bad, right?

Make sure you check out our Paleo Diet Recipes and Resources section too for more options.

Start with a good protein source with each dinner( eggs, steak, chicken, fish, pork) and then add a vegetable or fruit.

That’s it.

If you feel hungry constantly, understand that changing up a diet can cause a body a few weeks of adjustment.

Remember, your body is learning to operate on both fewer calories AND fewer carbs- depending on how low carb you go this could be a DRAMATIC change.

And this is often referred to as “carb flu, ” and it can be miserable! Your body might take multiple weeks to adjust to these new habits.

Going from a processed, high sodium diet to a paleo diet you will very often end up eating too little sodium, which is an essential nutrient.

So if you’re feeling tired all the time, try adding some salt to your food or consider an electrolyte supplement- this is what we recommend with our Keto readers too.

Is the Paleo Diet Dangerous?

The dismissive criticisms of the Paleo Diet generally fall into one of three categories :P TAGEND

Cavemen had short lifespans. So there. A recent article said that cavemen eat grains. So there. Eating that much meat is unhealthy. So there.

As I said at the beginning of this article, it doesn’t matter what cavemen or cavewomen ACTUALLY ate.

The reason this diet works has nothing to do with what our bodies are designed to eat or what cavemen ate 1,000 s of years ago.

The Paleo Diet CAN help you lose weight because it gets you to cut out junk food, focus on eating real food, and gives you a framework to evaluate speedily every food selection :P TAGEND

” Did a caveman eat this? Yes or no .”

That’s it!

By following this ONE rules, you’re likely to eat fewer calories than you used to, and thus you’re likely to end up healthier than before.

I personally don’t follow a Paleo Diet, but I do appreciate the fact that it’s easy to comprehend and gets people to take a more active approach in their food!

So, disregarding the fear mongering, tenet, and anthropological criticisms of what cavemen actually eat, what are the ACTUAL criticisms of the Paleo Diet?

# 1)” Why is the Paleo Diet expensive ?”

Admittedly, while I recommend feeing organic fruits and veggies, free-range chicken, and grass-fed beef whenever possible, these products can be more expensive in conventional stores due to the processes needed to get them there.

However, farmers’ marketplaces often have well-priced meats, eggs, fruit, and vegetables that are locally grown and unbelievably healthy.

Even if you’re spending a little more money than before, when you factor in your overall health, spending a few extra bucks on healthier food now is a wiser investment than thousands later on costly medical expenses.

Also, if you’re really short on money, eating the non-organic or grain-fed version of a meat, vegetable, or eggs is still better than eating bread, pasta, fast food, and the like.

Most people simply compare the cost of a paleo dinner with ramen noodles or pasta and bread and determine Paleo is prohibitively expensive.

Sure, it’s more expensive than those foods, but if you are smart with your fund you can eat a much healthier snack and do really pretty inexpensively. Check out this guide on” How to Eat Healthy Without Breaking the Bank” for some tip-off and tricks.

( This doesn’t even factor in the whole” if you eat inexpensive unhealthy food now, you’ll pay thousands in medical bills and hospital visits and drugs later” argument which is valid too ).

# 2)” But cavemen had short lifespans! Of course they don’t have the diseases we do. We live route longer now .”

I agree with you here, but only because you don’t have to deal with the dangers of living back then. Again we don’t really care to live like cave people!

This is SIMPLY a construct that can help many make more informed food choices.

# 3)” Plenty of societies around the world consume grains and aren’t fat and unhealthy like us .”

Awesome- it seems like those people have found a solution that works for them. Have you read our big ass guidebook to eating a Plant-Based Diet?

The China Study is frequently cited when blaming the Paleo Diet- focusing on a vegetarian diet and devouring rice is healthier than the Paleo Diet. I respectfully disagree with the conclusions be learned from that volume but that’s awesome if you want to go plant-based! [ 7 ] I’ll leave you to make your own conclusions based on your own self-experimentation.

You’re here to learn about the Paleo Diet though, so let’s keep the focus there.

# 4)” But this is just a meat diet, and feeing all meat is bad !”

First of all, consider your sources and do your search before jumping to the conclusions.

Next, this is not an all meat diet like the Carnivore Diet or uber-low carb diets like Keto or Atkins. The biggest component of the Paleo Diet?

Vegetables!

Every meal in a true Paleo diet has a moderate amount of healthy( properly created chicken, grass-fed beef, hormone free, etc .) meat combined with nutritious veggies or a moderate amount of fruit.

# 5)” The Paleo Diet is too restrictive and I can’t live like this .”

This is the most valid criticism I personally have of the diet, as the best diet plan is the one you actually stick with and be adhered to on! The aim shouldn’t be to go” full paleo” for a few weeks only to go back to how you were eating before.

Instead, the goal here should be to rethink your relationship with food and develop a strategy that you can live with permanently.

There’s nothing worse than going on diets and gaining and losing the same 20 pounds over and over. The Paleo Diet, like other diets, WORKS ONLY IF YOU STICK WITH IT PERMANENTLY!

This attains sense after all: build temporary alterations, get temporary outcomes, right?

# 6)” Steve, I dislike veggies. How do you induce veggies savor better? HALP .”

I got you. Heres how to start liking vegetables and how to induce veggies savor better.

We know this all too well, and we have helped thousands of people slowwwwly transition their diet over a long period of time to make change less scary, more permanent, and thus induce the weight loss permanent too!

If you’re overwhelmed or scared of changing too much, or maybe you’re just sick of dieting and want to find a solution that works for your busy lifestyle and situation, schedule a call with us to gain a better understanding of our 1-on-1 coaching program :P TAGEND

Paleo Recipes and Paleo Resource

Here’s our full list of Nerd Fitness Paleo/ Healthy recipes, and here are my three favourites :P TAGEND

10 Minutes of Prep, 10 Easy Meals Paleo spaghetti: freaking delicious, I promise How to Make Mini Paleo Pizzas .

I’ve also compiled a listing of my favorite sites and recipe volumes around the internet that can help you get started :P TAGEND

# 1) Nom Nom Paleo -~ ATAGEND Michelle Tam and her husband Henry are amazing people, and their Paleo Blog is absolutely phenomenal. Great photos. Well written. Organized intelligently.

Their “Nom Nom Paleo” cookbook is a fun resource too, and a great place to get started with cooking for your Paleo lifestyle. Oh, what’s that? You have kids and a spouse and you’re all trying to eat healthier too? This book is perfect for that as well!

# 2) Mark’s Daily Apple– Easily the most comprehensive resource on the internet for the Paleo Diet- Mark writes an article every weekday about everything Paleo, and it usually blows me away. Some of the posts can get overwhelming, so I indicate starting with his Primal Blueprint 101.

The Primal Blueprint– If you want to read about this stuff in a volume rather than on a computer screen, Mark’s book The Primal Blueprint is a great place to get started on not only what to eat, but why you should be eating it.

It’s educational, funny, real-world applicable, and teaches you how to primalize( just made that up) the rest of your life too.

# 3) Robb Wolf– Another great resource, and a guy I’ve already referenced in this article multiple times. Check out his site for a comprehensive FAQ on all things Paleo, a shopping list pdf( right-click and save ), and plenty of humor.

The Paleo Solution– This article would have been finished 3 hours earlier, but before I wrote it, I read ALL of Robb’s new volume. It severely had me laughing out loud at certain points- not bad for a volume on diet!

This book is a little less forgiving than Mark’s book above, but it’s still a great read.

# 4) Loren Cordain– Loren is considered the leading expert on the Paleo Diet- Robb is actually one of his students/ adherents/ Padawans.

Dr. Cordain is probably the foremost authority on this type of eating, which is why I truly enjoyed reading both of his volumes.

MORE RECIPE Resource :P TAGEND

Ready or Not! 150 Make Now Recipes– The newer volume from Michelle Tam of Nom Nom Paleo. It’s super fun. Plus she’s wearing a Nerd FItness t-shirt in some of her photos in the book, so I might be sliiiightly biased Mark’s Daily Apple– Although he sells the cookbook on Amazon, Mark also lists over 100 free primal recipes on his site. Pick something on the listing, run buy the ingredients, and follow the instructions! So easy even a caveman can do it. Everyday Paleo– Great paintings, easy to follow recipes, and pretty interesting combinations. Click on FOOD in the Nav bar, and the meals are broken down into breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

If you’re curious about The Paleo Diet’s recent popularity and thus it’s criticisms, we’ve written two other pieces on Nerd Fitness that might be of interest :P TAGEND

” The Paleo Diet Debunked ??” where I address a few of the more recent criticisms that have popped up.

” In Defense of a Paleo-Ish Diet” where I cover how to live a largely Paleo lifestyle but still enjoy the modern benefits of society.

Who Should and Who Shouldn’t Do the Paleo Diet?

I’m a fan of the Paleo Diet for the RIGHT person:

I love mental models that help us make sense of the world, and I think for SOME people, the Paleo Diet has certainly help them cut down on overeating.

I personally do NOT follow a Paleo Diet, but I do have rules that I follow.

Do whatever attains you happy and fits in your schedule. I like this kind of stress-free eating.

Regardless of whether or not grains should be vilified, I love this diet because I know it WORKS. I know people that have lost incredible amounts of weight and altered their lives within a matter of months.

People like Staci :P TAGEND

Regardless of how you feel about grains, we can all agree that eating more natural foods and less processed foods is better for you.

YOU SHOULD DO THE PALEO DIET IF :P TAGEND

You struggle with portion control( meaning you can’t eat only one cookie, or you tend to keep feeing even when you’re full ). You can stick with the changes you’re making permanently! Remember, temporary alters make temporary outcomes. You don’t mind eliminating some of your favorite foods entirely.

YOU SHOULD NOT DO THE PALEO DIET IF :P TAGEND

The notion of giving up non-paleo foods attains you want to cry. You don’t mind learning about calories and want to track your food. Another diet sounds like a better fit for you!

Consider some of these other options instead:

The Mediterranean Diet which still includes portions of things like pasta or bread( note: I said PORTIONS , not platefuls )! Our guide on healthy eating and slowly adjust your nutrition- which would be my recommendation. My paleo-ish dietary philosophy that keeps me healthy and happy.

If you want to lose weight and keep it off, you need to stimulate permanent adjustments to your nutrition.

If you don’t see yourself being able to permanently follow a Paleo Diet, I would advise a more’ wade in from the shallow end‘ approach to dietary change!

How to Do the Paleo Diet Safely

Maybe you’re ready to try out this Paleo lifestyle, but you can’t commit fully. There are certain foods you refuse to give up, or you can’t afford to buy grass-fed beef at the moment.

That’s okay!

If you can even make a few small changes here and there( cut out liquid calories, switch out your rice for steamed vegetables, cut back on bread, etc .) you’ll start to see some changes.

Remember, 20% healthier is better than 0% healthier- as you get more comfortable with the changes you can increase that percentage.

After all, I know how tough it is to stay loyal to a strict diet, especially without a plan to follow. It’s why we created free resources that can help you reach your goals faster without you also going crazy.

Get rid of the temptation: if you’re gonna go at this thing with a full head of steam, remove all the junk food from your house.

It’s going to take a few weeks for your body to adjust to burning fat instead of glucose, and you might want to eat poorly here and there. If there’s no food in your house to tempt you, it will be much easier to stay on target.

Now, it’s your turn.

Have you tried the Paleo Diet yet? What was your experience like? Have a criticism of the diet that I didn’t cover before? Do you have a favorite paleo resource?

Remember, one of the major Rules of the Rebellion is to question everything!

I hope this article gives you some food for thought( terrible pun, I know ), and gives you permission to question conventional wisdom and start addressing the issues in your diet!

In addition to this Beginner Paleo Guide, I hope you consider checking our 1-on-1 Coaching Program as well.

We have designed this program from the ground up to help people like you change their lives and fix their nutrition in a way that doesn’t suck.

Now, go forth. And feed like a caveman.

-Steve

PS: I’ll leave you with a mention of the Nerd Fitness Academy– it essentially gamifies your experience in transitioning into a Paleo lifestyle and diet, and provides you with specific instruction, meal plans, workouts, and a supportive community.

###

photo sources: cavemen elephant hunt, caveman cooking over fire, cavemen hunt paleo bear, milk truck logo, darth vader vendor, storm trooper tomato, lego cook, chef and lego pig, lego explorer, lego muffin, lego bread and carbs, frozen caveman grok lego, lego clock, lego caveman forging for food, caveman with wheel, darth vader and ostrich lego, easing into water lego, lego man with pasta

Footnotes( returns to text)

Adult Obesity Prevalence Map CDC.gov

What if its all Been a Big Fat Lie ? Take a look at this time magazine article on cancer patients who switched to a zero-sugar diet and watched positive results. You can read our full guide on Gluten check out the Inuit Paradox for a great read on societies that exist without almost any carbohydrates If you want to nerd out about this stuff, go wild with this study This is the most well-researched critique I’ve detect of the China Study: Denise Menger- China Study- Fact or Fallacy

Read more: nerdfitness.com

[currenthealtheventsblog-blog]

Paleo Diet Beginner Guide: 7 Things You Should Know Before Eating Like a Caveman!

New Post has been published on https://currenthealthevents.net/awesome/paleo-diet-beginner-guide-7-things-you-should-know-before-eating-like-a-caveman/

Paleo Diet Beginner Guide: 7 Things You Should Know Before Eating Like a Caveman!

So you wanna learn about the Paleo Diet, aka” the Caveman Diet ,” eh?

This is one of the most popular diets on the planet right now( up there with the Keto Diet ), and I bet you have questions.

Well I got answers, sucka!

And lots of LEGO photos.

In this massive guide, I’m going to give you the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to the Paleolithic Diet( click each link to go right to that segment ):

What is the Paleo Diet and how does it run ? Will I lose weight on the Paleo Diet ? What can I eat on the Paleo Diet ? What foods CAN’T I eat on the Paleo Diet ? Can I feed grains on the Paleo Diet ? Can I eat dairy on the Paleo Diet? Can I feed cheese on the Paleo Diet ? Paleo Diet Shopping Guide: List of foods on the Paleo Diet What does a typical day look like on the Paleo Diet ? Is the Paleo Diet dangerous ? Paleo Recipes& Paleo Resource . Who shouldn’t do the Paleo Diet ? How to do the Paleo Diet safely .

Now, this guide is SUPER long, we are therefore took the liberty of converting it into a nicely designed guide for easy intake( not literal intake, unless you print it on bacon ).

Grab your Beginner’s Guide to the Paleo Diet free when you sign up in the box below: Get the FREE eBook! The Ultimate Beginner’s Guide to Paleo!

Discover if Paleo is for you

The one simple trick to know if your food is Paleo-friendly

Easy Paleo recipes for beginners to get you started

I identify as a:

Woman

Man

If you can actually apply the standards of the the Paleo lifestyle, you can get some pretty solid results.

As the great Mr. Flintstone once said, “Yabadabadooooo!”

What is the Paleo Diet and How does it Work?

Oh lord, another “diet.”

I know, it sounds like a fad/ marketing gambit, but The Paleo Diet isn’t really a “diet,” and it’s actually quite logical when you think about it.

It’s also the most time-tested diet ever.

Here’s the ENTIRE diet in a nutshell :P TAGEND

” If a cave person didn’t eat it, neither should you .”

As the hypothesi goes, tens of thousands of years ago, before Nike, Cap’n Crunch, and Healthy Choice dinners, our ancient ancestors prospered as hunter-gatherers.

Although it’s been a really long time, our genetics haven’t altered that much since then.

And yet…these days we’re overweight, out of shape, stressed out, unhappy, sleep deprived and dying from far too many preventable cancers due to lifestyle choices.

So what the hell happened?

Agriculture!

And then delivery and Netflix.

A few thousand years ago, humans discovered farming, the agricultural revolution took off, and we advanced from hunter-gatherers to farmers.

We settled down, formed societies, and the human race progressed to what we are today. Which is obviously great for a number of reasons :P TAGEND

Not getting eaten by wild animals Electricity Automobiles Nintendo

The problem is that our bodies never adjusted properly to eating all the grains and sugar that we’re now consuming.

As paleo guru Robb Wolf sets it, should be considered a 100 -yard football field :P TAGEND

The first 99.5 yards are how long Homo-Sapiens spent as hunter-gatherers. As they became REALLY good at hunting and collecting our bodies adapted to that lifestyle over thousands of years.

That last half-yard represents our species after the agricultural revolution, where our diet has changed( but our genetics haven’t ).

So, instead of loading up on meat, vegetables and seasonal fruits, we’ve become a species “dependent” upon grains- bread, pasta, rice, corn, and so on.

66% of us are overweight, 33% are considered obese, and those numbers are only getting worse.[ 1 ]

Clearly something’s not right, and we need to fix it.

The Paleo Diet is an effort to go back to our ancestral roots.

To start eating how we’re biologically designed to eat, allowing us to tap into our genetic potential and start living healthier immediately.

To recap the rules of the Paleo Diet :P TAGEND

Only eat foods a caveman would feed See Rule# 1

Note that it doesn’t mention calorie counting or meal timing or macro tracking. That’s part of the popularity of this diet: eat paleo approved foods when you’re hungry, and that’s it.

Will I Lose Weight on the Paleo Diet?

This is the question we get above all else :P TAGEND

” Will the Paleo Diet assistance me lose weight ?”

Probably. If you can actually apply the standards of the the Paleo lifestyle, you can get some pretty solid results.

It’s helped many people attain jaw-dropping transformations, including my friend Saint,( whose story you can read here ):

Or Staci from Team NF, our leading female trainer in our 1-on-1 Coaching Program ):

The Paleo Diet will work for you, if you do it right.

You need to have the right mindset, you need to focus on the right foods, and you need to structure your environment so that you’re not tempted to backslide and abandon the Paleo Diet after a few days.

However, it has nothing to do with what Fred Flintstone ate or didn’t eat.

It comes down to science and thermodynamics.

As I point out in our article on How to Lose Weight: What’s the Perfect Diet( For me ?), if you want to lose weight :P TAGEND

Eat fewer calories than you burn every day. Want to also be healthy? Eat mostly real food.

Want to KEEP the weight off?

Add# 3: Do those two things consistently for a decade.

Here’s WHY you’ll lose weight on the Paleo Diet:

You’re merely feeing meat, fish, veggies, fruits, and nuts. These are foods that are full of nutrients, will make you feel full, but don’t have nearly as many calories as junk food. You are wholly eliminating calorie-dense, often nutritionally deficient, unhealthy foods. This means no grains( pasta, bread, rice ), no dairy , no beans. It also means no soda , no candy , no sugar.

And yup. When you merely eat real food and avoided all unhealthy food, you’re more likely than not going to run a caloric deficit- and thus lose weight.

Let me share a really obvious example.

200 calories of broccoli gets you enough to fill up an entire plate :P TAGEND

Or … 200 calories will get you exactly 1/2 a Snickers bar :P TAGEND

Look at that: nobody can eat that much broccoli, and nobody only eats half a candy bar!

My point is this: by eating Paleo-approved foods, you’re more likely than not to eat fewer calories than you did in the past automatically, which can lead to weight loss.

I dig into this in even greater detail in” Why can’t I lose weight ?” but it all comes down to” calories in, calories out .”

So YES, the Paleo Diet MIGHT help you lose weight.

You merely need to eat fewer calories than you burn every day( Here’s how to calculate your Total Daily Energy Expenditure ). And that is easier when you are eliminating foods that people tend to overeat :P TAGEND

Candy Soda Pasta Bread Dairy

But that’s all about what we’re eliminating. What are we maintaining !?

what Can I eat on The Paleo diet?

In order to follow the Paleo Diet Lifestyle, here are the foods that are Paleo endorse :P TAGEND

Meat*- steak, ham, pork, bison, boar. Organ- liver, kidneys, heart. Marrow- find a theme here? Eat ALL parts of the animal! Fowl- chicken, duck, hen, turkey…things with wings that( try to) fly. Fish- cod, tuna, salmon, and so on. Eggs- Look for omega-3 enriched cage-free eggs. Vegetable- spinach, broccoli, kale, carrots, peppers, zucchini, onions, etc. Petroleum- minimally processed, derived from plants: olive oil, coconut oil, avocado oil. Fats: ghee, lard, or other animal fats. Fruit- apples, pears, bananas, grapes, strawberries. Nuts- almonds, walnuts, cashews, and their respective butters( almond butter is so good !) Tubers- Sweet potatoes and yams.

* If you can, aim for grass-fed beef and organic fruits and vegetables. But don’t go break the bank with your food buys. Simply do the best you can.

As the Paleo Diet explains: Pick any of the foods from that list and feed as much as you want of them.

You might have noticed that a lot of the foods above are loaded with fat. And depending on what your mom told you growing up, you might believe fat is the devil.

So let me address that right away…

Do Eating Fat Make You Fat?

If you’re trim back on carbs, that means you’ll need to fill the void in your diet with the most controversial macronutrient :P TAGEND

Fat!

It’s gotten a bad rap over the past number of decades, so companies have been doing everything possible to stimulate everything low fat and “healthy! ”( while adding all sorts of preservatives, chemicals, and sugar ).

Yup…cut out the fat, increase the carbs….and seem where THAT has gotten us.

Why has fat been vilified? Rather than get into the politics of it myself, I’ll let Gary Taubes, writer of the incredibly thorough and well-researched Good Calories, Bad Calories take over.

As he discusses in an article he wrote for the New York Times a decade ago: [ 2 ]

These researchers point out that there are plenty of reasons to suggest that the low-fat-is-good-health hypothesis has now effectively failed the test of hour.

In particular, that we are in the midst of an obesity epidemic that started around the early 1980′ s, and that this was coincident with the rise of the low-fat dogma.( Type 2 diabetes, the most common form of the disease, also rose significantly through this period .)

They say that low-fat weight-loss diets have proved in clinical trials and real life to be dismal failures, and that on top of it all, the percentage of fat in the American diet has been decreasing for two decades.

Our cholesterol levels have been declining, and we have been smoking less, and yet the incidence of heart disease has not declined as expected to be completed.” That is very disconcerting ,” Willett says.” It suggests that something else bad is happening .”

” Low fat” foods were created to follow conventional wisdom that fat attain you fat( which as stated in the above article doesn’t stand up to scrutiny ).

When a company makes a low fat food, they remove the fat and have to replace the flavor with something.

That “something” is usually sugar( and often more calories ).

Crap.

So, according to Taubes and Paleo folks, fat has been vilified and the real focus should have been on sugar and carbs all along.

Because healthy fats are valuable additions to our diet.

Here are some examples of Paleo-Approved Healthy Fats :P TAGEND

Avocados Almond( and almond butter) Fatty cuts of meat Walnuts Coconut oil Olive petroleum

In the Paleo Diet, fat builds up a large portion of one’s diet.

If you’re worried about consuming fat and how it will affect your cholesterol, read our Full Guide to Cholesterol

WhAT Foods Can’t I eat On the Paleo Diet?

If you are looking to strictly follow the Paleo Diet, then you can’t eat foods that did not exist back in” Caveman period .”

Why?

Because- as advocates of the diet point out- cavemen couldn’t eat those foods because they didn’t exist. There was no way to create cereal and candy – you could only eat what you determined or hunted.

So, that’s what the Paleo Diet advocates as the reason for avoiding these foods. And it serves as a good mental model to check with yourself: “Could a caveman have feed this dinner? ”

And when you start to answer this question, you identify the foods that you’re not allowed to eat on the Paleo Diet :P TAGEND

Grains like pasta, cereal bread, and rice Dairy like milk and cheese Candy, cookies, ice cream, and other processed foods

The Paleo Diet also almost entirely eliminates sugar outside of fruit. No candy. No soda. No powdered donuts. Yup, even the mini white ones from the grocery store where you can eat like 100 of them( accidentally, of course ).

Many studies have shown that an incredible number of diseases and lifestyle issues can be reversed by cutting out sugar and processed foods.[ 3 ]

But I understand grains and dairy are a bit more complex.

Let me explain :P TAGEND Can I Eat Grains on the Paleo Diet?

Unfortunately , nope.

The Caveman reason why: Grain require some amount of processing, and thus Cavemen would not have eaten them.

The science and psychological reason why: we have a tendency to overeat grains and the other ” no no” foods on the Paleo Diet. They are calorically dense, nutrient deficient, and they can wreak havoc on some people’s blood sugar levels.

This leads to a sugar hurry-up followed by a accident, which can lead to more emotional or hungry overeating…and the process starts again.

Rather than me explain that part with thousands of words, just watch this three-minute video-” Why You Got Fat :”

Let’s get into some more reasons Paleo proponents suggest avoiding grains: most contain gluten and lectins.

What are they and what’s wrong with them? I’m so glad you asked :P TAGEND

Gluten is a protein found in things like rye, wheat, and barley. It’s now being said that much of our population may be gluten-intolerant( hence all the new “gluten-free! ” items popping up everywhere ). Over hour, those who are gluten intolerant can develop a dismal array of medical conditions from consuming gluten: dermatitis, joint ache, reproductive problems, acid reflux, and more.[ 4 ] Lectins are natural toxins that exist in grains to defend against consumption! Yup. Grains have evolved to keep themselves from being eaten by us. These lectins are not a fan of our gastrointestinal tract, and they prevent the tract from repairing itself from normal wear and tear. This can cause all kinds of damage.

Long story short: many people cannot process grains properly, and they are usually the food that causes people to eat too many calories. So by eliminating grains from your diet, you’re more likely than not going to eat fewer calories without counting calories.

That’s a Paleo win!

Do I Need to Avoid Carbs on the Paleo Diet?

Not inevitably.

That depends on your goals and your body – you are a special snowflake!

Some people function well on a high fat, low carb diet.

Others function better on a high carb, low fat diet.

Personally, I function better on a higher carb, lower fat diet( which is how I lost 22 pounds in 6 months ).

I will say the Paleo Diet is USUALLY a Low Carb diet, and large quantities of carbs are not required for somebody to be healthy regular diet.[ 5 ].

After all, carbs aren’t evil- they’re just…carbs.

Here is the logic and psychology behind why the Paleo Diet is low carb :P TAGEND

On a typical Western diet, we devour plenty o’ carbs, and our bodies convert those carbs to a sugar called “glucose.” This is our body’s preferred method of fueling itself.

In the absence of carbs to create glucose to fuel our bodies, we have to do a few other things instead :P TAGEND

Transform stored fat into glycerol and fatty acids( this process is called lipolysis ). Burn fatty acids for energy or transform the fatty acids into glucose for energy( this is called gluconeogenesis) In the absence of glucose( through fasting or following a Keto Diet ), your body can create ketones for ga( called “ketogenesis” ).

We’re going to focus on the forms of weight loss NOT related to ” ketogenesis .” Unless you are avoiding all carbohydrates while going Paleo, or you are doing long fasts, you most likely won’t be in ketosis while going Paleo.

We do cover Paleo vs Keto: Which is Better if you’re deciding between the two.

Back to weight loss and Paleo: when you cut back on carbs, and thus most likely Also cut back on total calories ingested, you are creating a caloric deficit in your body.

And eat a consistent deficit over a long enough time period, BOOM caveman weight loss.

So, fewer carbs= less glucose in your system, less sugar accidents, less “hangry” moments and smaller opportunity of overeating= fewer calories eaten on average.

If you’re worried about adherence to the diet, I understand – it’s the toughest part of Paleo- sticking with it!

Knowing what to eat is part of it, but following this fairly restrictive lifestyle in a modern surrounding surrounded by cookies and candy and bagels and pasta is really difficult!

If this whole” Paleo, Carbs, and Weight Loss” thing is emphasizing you out, you’re not alone!

In fact, people like you are the reason we created our 1-on-1 Online Coaching Program!

We work with busy people like you to structure a complete life overhaul: handcrafted workout routines, accountability, mindset changes, and nutritional strategies.

Can I feed Dairy on the Paleo Diet? Can I eat Cheese On the Paleo Diet?

This also depends. Strict Paleo folks tend to stay away from it- a portion of the world is lactose intolerant, and those that aren’t usually have at least some type of an aversion to it.

Why? Because hunter-gatherers didn’t lug cows around with them while traveling- milk was ingested as a newborn through breast milk from their mom, and that was it.

So as Paleo-stans will tell ya, our bodies weren’t designed for massive dairy consumption.

There is evidence that some adaptation to dairy has taken place throughout the years, specifically with people with pedigree in herding cultures, but this is not the majority of the population.[ 6 ]

Paleo purists will avoid dairy like the beset, while other paleo-ish people have found that eating dairy in its various kinds work for their genetics, aims, and lifestyle.

“What about Cheese? Can I feed cheese on the Paleo Diet? ”

You do you, boo. But if you’re going Strict Paleo, then regrettably cheese is OUT too.

If you’re just looking to lose some weight while following a “mostly Paleo” lifestyle, then adding some high quality cheese into some of your meals can be okay.

Some cheese will tend to have lower sums of lactose or casein- the parts of dairy that can cause digestion challenges.

So, if you’re not sure your body is processing dairy properly, remove dairy from your diet and only introduce it back in when you’re ready to see how your body responds.

If you’re not losing weight while eating a” Paleo+ Dairy” Diet, you’re still feeing too many calories.

Consider cutting out dairy and see how your body responds.

Paleo Diet Shopping Guide: List of Foods on the Paleo Diet

Because I like you as a person, I’ve made a printable Paleo Diet Shopping List PDF you can bring with you to the grocery store to help you decide what to buy and what to avoid.

Simply right click on the image below and save as :P TAGEND

Feel free to publish this out and bring it with you to the grocery store. If you happen to run into somebody else who has ALSO printed out this sheet, feel free to high five each other while singing Baltimora!

What is a Typical Day Like on the Paleo Diet?

Here is an example of a typical day on “The Paleo Diet” :P TAGEND

Breakfast: Omelet with spinach with fresh fruit. Lunch: Grilled chicken, kale, and avocado salad with vinegar and olive oil. Snack: Apple slice and almond butter. Dinner: Steak with asparagus and sweet potato fries. Dessert: Strawberries and a piece of 85% darknes chocolate.

That doesn’t audio so bad, right?

Make sure you check out our Paleo Diet Recipes and Resources section too for more alternatives.

Start with a good protein source with each meal( eggs, steak, chicken, fish, pork) and then add a vegetable or fruit.

That’s it.

If you feel hungry constantly, understand that changing up a diet can cause a body a few weeks of adjustment.

Remember, your body is learning to operate on both fewer calories AND fewer carbs- depending on how low carb you go this could be a DRAMATIC change.

And this is often referred to as “carb flu, ” and it can be miserable! Your body might take multiple weeks to adjust to these new habits.

Going from a processed, high sodium diet to a paleo diet you will very often end up eating too little sodium, which is an essential nutrient.

So if you’re feeling tired all the time, try adding some salt to your food or consider an electrolyte supplement- this is what we recommend with our Keto readers too.

Is the Paleo Diet Dangerous?

The dismissive criticisms of the Paleo Diet generally fall into one of three categories :P TAGEND

Cavemen had short lifespans. So there. A recent article said that cavemen eat grains. So there. Eating that much meat is unhealthy. So there.

As I said at the beginning of this article, it doesn’t matter what cavemen or cavewomen ACTUALLY ate.

The reason this diet runs has nothing to do with what our bodies are designed to eat or what cavemen ate 1,000 s of years ago.

The Paleo Diet CAN help you lose weight because it gets you to cut out junk food, focus on eating real food, and gives you a framework to evaluate quickly every food selection :P TAGEND

” Did a caveman eat this? Yes or no .”

That’s it!

By following this ONE rules, you’re likely to eat fewer calories than you used to, and thus you’re likely to end up healthier than before.

I personally don’t follow a Paleo Diet, but I do appreciate the fact that it’s easy to comprehend and gets people to take a more active approach in their food!

So, disregarding the fear mongering, dogma, and anthropological criticisms of what cavemen actually feed, what are the ACTUAL criticisms of the Paleo Diet?

# 1)” Why is the Paleo Diet expensive ?”

Admittedly, while I recommend feeing organic fruits and veggies, free-range chicken, and grass-fed beef whenever possible, these products can be more expensive in conventional stores due to the processes needed to get them there.

However, farmers’ marketplaces often have well-priced meats, eggs, fruit, and veggies that are locally grown and unbelievably healthy.

Even if you’re spending a little more money than before, when you factor in your overall health, spending a few extra bucks on healthier food now is a wiser investment than thousands later on costly medical expenses.

Also, if you’re really short on money, eating the non-organic or grain-fed version of a meat, vegetable, or eggs is still better than feeing bread, pasta, fast food, and the like.

Most people simply compare the cost of a paleo dinner with ramen noodles or pasta and bread and determine Paleo is prohibitively expensive.

Sure, it’s more expensive than those foods, but if you are smart with your fund you can eat a much healthier snack and do really pretty inexpensively. Check out this guide on” How to Eat Healthy Without Breaking the Bank” for some tips and tricks.

( This doesn’t even factor in the whole” if you eat inexpensive unhealthy food now, you’ll pay thousands in medical bills and hospital visits and drugs later” argument which is valid too ).

# 2)” But cavemen had short lifespans! Of course they don’t have the diseases we do. We live way longer now .”

I agree with you here, but only because you don’t have to deal with the dangers of living back then. Again we don’t really care to live like cave people!

This is SIMPLY a construct that can help many construction more informed food choices.

# 3)” Plenty of societies around the world consume grains and aren’t fat and unhealthy like us .”

Awesome- it seems like those people have found a solution that works for them. Have you read our big ass guidebook to eating a Plant-Based Diet?

The China Study is frequently cited when blaming the Paleo Diet- are concentrated on a vegetarian diet and ingesting rice is healthier than the Paleo Diet. I respectfully disagree with the conclusions drawn from that volume but that’s awesome if you want to go plant-based! [ 7 ] I’ll leave you to stimulate your own conclusions based on your own self-experimentation.

You’re here to learn about the Paleo Diet though, so let’s keep the focus there.

# 4)” But this is just a meat diet, and eating all meat is bad !”

First of all, consider your sources and do your search before jumping to the conclusions.

Next, this is not an all meat diet like the Carnivore Diet or uber-low carb diets like Keto or Atkins. The biggest component of the Paleo Diet?

Vegetables!

Every meal in a true Paleo diet has a moderate amount of healthy( properly raised chicken, grass-fed beef, hormone free, etc .) meat combined with nutritious veggies or a moderate quantity of fruit.

# 5)” The Paleo Diet is too restrictive and I can’t live like this .”

This is the most valid criticism I personally have of the diet, as the best diet plan is the one you actually stick with and be adhered to on! The objective shouldn’t be to go” full paleo” for a few weeks only going to go to how you were eating before.

Instead, the goal here should be to rethink your relationship with food and develop a strategy that you can live with permanently.

There’s nothing worse than going on diets and gaining and losing the same 20 pounds over and over. The Paleo Diet, like other diets, WORKS ONLY IF YOU STICK WITH IT PERMANENTLY!

This makes sense after all: make temporary alters, get temporary results, right?

# 6)” Steve, I detest veggies. How do you attain vegetables taste better? HALP .”

I got you. Heres how to start liking vegetables and how to build veggies taste better.

We know this all too well, and we have helped thousands of people slowwwwly transition their diet over a long period of time to make change less scary, more permanent, and thus construct the weight loss permanent too!

If you’re overwhelmed or scared of changing too much, or maybe you’re just sick of dieting and want to find a solution that works for your busy lifestyle and situation, schedule a bellow with us to gain a better understanding of our 1-on-1 coaching program :P TAGEND

Paleo Recipes and Paleo Resource

Here’s our full list of Nerd Fitness Paleo/ Healthy recipes, and here are my three favorites :P TAGEND

10 Minutes of Prep, 10 Easy Meals Paleo spaghetti: freaking delicious, I promise How to Make Mini Paleo Pizzas .

I’ve also compiled a listing of my favorite sites and recipe volumes around the internet that can help you get started :P TAGEND

# 1) Nom Nom Paleo -~ ATAGEND Michelle Tam and her husband Henry are amazing people, and their Paleo Blog is absolutely phenomenal. Great photos. Well written. Organized intelligently.

Their “Nom Nom Paleo” cookbook is a fun resource too, and a great place to get started with cooking for your Paleo lifestyle. Oh, what’s that? You have children and a spouse and you’re all trying to eat healthier too? This volume is perfect for that as well!

# 2) Mark’s Daily Apple– Easily the most comprehensive resource on the internet for the Paleo Diet- Mark writes an article every weekday about everything Paleo, and it usually blows me away. Some of the posts can get overwhelming, so I suggest starting with his Primal Blueprint 101.

The Primal Blueprint– If you want to read about this stuff in a book rather than on a computer screen, Mark’s book The Primal Blueprint is a great place to get started on not only what to eat, but why you should be eating it.

It’s educational, funny, real-world applicable, and teaches you how to primalize( just made that up) the rest of your life too.

# 3) Robb Wolf– Another great resource, and a guy I’ve already referenced in this article multiple times. Check out his site for a comprehensive FAQ on all things Paleo, a shopping list pdf( right-click and save ), and plenty of humor.

The Paleo Solution– This article would have been finished 3 hours earlier, but before I wrote it, I read ALL of Robb’s new book. It severely had me laughing out loud at certain points- not bad for a book on diet!

This book is a little less forgiving than Mark’s book above, but it’s still a great read.

# 4) Loren Cordain– Loren is considered the leading expert on the Paleo Diet- Robb is actually one of his students/ disciples/ Padawans.

Dr. Cordain is probably the foremost authority on this type of eating, which is why I actually enjoyed reading both of his books.

MORE RECIPE RESOURCES :P TAGEND

Ready or Not! 150 Make Now Recipes– The newer volume from Michelle Tam of Nom Nom Paleo. It’s super fun. Plus she’s wearing a Nerd FItness t-shirt in some of her photos in the book, so I might be sliiiightly biased Mark’s Daily Apple– Although he sells the cookbook on Amazon, Mark also lists over 100 free primal recipes on his site. Pick something on the listing, go buy the ingredients, and follow the instructions! So easy even a caveman can do it. Everyday Paleo– Great scenes, easy to follow recipes, and pretty interesting combinations. Click on FOOD in the Nav bar, and the meals are broken down into breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

If you’re curious about The Paleo Diet’s recent popularity and thus it’s criticisms, we’ve written two other pieces on Nerd Fitness that might be of interest :P TAGEND

” The Paleo Diet Debunked ??” where I address a few of the more recent criticisms that have popped up.

” In Defense of a Paleo-Ish Diet” where I encompass how to live a mostly Paleo lifestyle but still enjoy the modern benefits of society.

Who Should and Who Shouldn’t Do the Paleo Diet?

I’m a fan of the Paleo Diet for the RIGHT person:

I love mental models that help us make sense of the world, and I guess for SOME people, the Paleo Diet will really help them cut down on overeating.

I personally do NOT follow a Paleo Diet, but I do have rules that I follow.

Do whatever stimulates you happy and accommodates in your schedule. I like this kind of stress-free eating.

Regardless of whether or not grains should be vilified, I love this diet because I know it WORKS. I know people that have lost incredible sums of weight and changed their lives within a matter of months.

People like Staci :P TAGEND

Regardless of how you feel about grains, we can all agree that eating more natural foods and less processed foods is better for you.

YOU SHOULD DO THE PALEO DIET IF :P TAGEND

You struggle with portion control( entailing you can’t eat only one cookie, or you tend to keep eating even when you’re full ). You can stick with the changes you’re making permanently! Remember, temporary changes make temporary results. You don’t mind eliminating some of your favorite foods wholly.

YOU SHOULD NOT DO THE PALEO DIET IF :P TAGEND

The idea of giving up non-paleo foods induces you want to cry. You don’t mind learning about calories and want to track your food. Another diet sounds like a better fit for you!

Consider some of these other options instead:

The Mediterranean Diet which still includes portions of things like pasta or bread( note: I said Portions , not platefuls )! Our guide on healthy eating and slowly adjust your nutrition- which would be my recommendation. My paleo-ish dietary philosophy that holds me healthy and happy.

If you want to lose weight and keep it off, you need to stimulate permanent adjustments to your nutrition.

If you don’t see yourself being able to permanently follow a Paleo Diet, I would advise a more’ wade in from the shallow aim‘ approach to dietary change!

How to Do the Paleo Diet Safely

Maybe you’re ready to try out this Paleo lifestyle, but you can’t commit fully. There are certain foods you refuse to give up, or you can’t afford to buy grass-fed beef at the moment.

That’s okay!

If you can even make a few small changes here there are still( cut out liquid calories, switch out your rice for steamed veggies, cut back on bread, etc .) you’ll start to see some changes.

Remember, 20% healthier is better than 0% healthier- as you get more comfortable with the changes you can increase that percentage.

After all, I know how tough it is to stay loyal to a strict diet, especially without a plan to follow. It’s why we created free resources that can help you reach your goals faster without you also going crazy.

Get rid of the temptation: if you’re gonna go at this thing with a full head of steam, remove all the junk food from your house.

It’s going to take a few weeks for your body to adjust to burning fat instead of glucose, and you might want to eat poorly here there are still. If there’s no food in your house to tempt you, it will be much easier to stay on target.

Now, it’s your turn.

Have you tried the Paleo Diet yet? What was your experience like? Have a criticism of the diet that I didn’t cover before? Do you have a favorite paleo resource?

Remember, one of the major Rules of the Rebellion is to question everything!

I hope this article gives you some food for thought( terrible pun, I know ), and gives you permission to question conventional wisdom and start addressing the issues in your diet!

In addition to this Beginner Paleo Guide, I hope you consider checking our 1-on-1 Coaching Program as well.

We have designed this program from the ground up to help people like you change their lives and fix their nutrition in a way that doesn’t suck.

Now, go forth. And feed like a caveman.

-Steve

PS: I’ll leave you with a mention of the Nerd Fitness Academy– it essentially gamifies your experience in transitioning into a Paleo lifestyle and diet, and provides you with specific instruction, snack plans, workouts, and a supportive community.

###

photo sources: cavemen elephant hunt, caveman cooking over fire, cavemen hunt paleo bear, milk truck logo, darth vader vendor, storm trooper tomato, lego cook, chef and lego pig, lego explorer, lego muffin, lego bread and carbs, frozen caveman grok lego, lego clock, lego caveman forge for food, caveman with wheel, darth vader and ostrich lego, easing into water lego, lego man with pasta

Footnote( returns to text)

Adult Obesity Prevalence Map CDC.gov

What if its all Been a Big Fat Lie ? Take a look at this time magazine article on cancer patients who switched to a zero-sugar diet and assured positive results. You can read our full guide on Gluten check out the Inuit Paradox for a great read on societies that exist without almost any carbohydrates If you want to nerd out about this stuff, go wild with this study This is the most well-researched criticism I’ve see of the China Study: Denise Menger- China Study- Fact or Fallacy

Read more: nerdfitness.com

[armyhealth9-blog]

Another January, Another Paleo-Bashing Session… Or Was It?

This Year the Annual Diet Reviews Didn’t Have Their Usually Sharp Teeth Out for the Paleo Diet

It’s January. Which means another flurry of online diet rankings and reviews. At the Paleo Diet®, we await them with the rapt anticipation of a school boy sweating his double-dare challenge punishment. You don’t know what it’s going to be. You just know it’s going to hurt.

In a strange way, we came to wear our dead last ranking at US News & World Report as a badge of pride. Instead of discouraging paleo dieters, the ranking seemed to make them feel part of an idea that was not appreciated in its time. With a certain combination of self-awareness and a little self-delusion the rankings put paleo dieters on a shelf with figures like Socrates, Giordana Bruno, and Galileo. Just with better foods – hemlock isn’t part of any nutritious breakfast – and a lot less execution.

But this year, something felt different about the rankings.

In 2019, US News swapped our dead last for 33d out of 41 diets and even begrudgingly admitted “the Paleo Diet is relatively convenient these days.” Sure, they still didn’t recommend the diet and used lots of subtle qualifiers like “little” and “difficult,” but the sharp teeth of previous years simply weren’t there.

Another January review of diets on the UK’s largest health website, NHS, admitted some pretty strong positives such as “the diet is simple and doesn’t involved calorie counting.” Their final verdict was still mixed, but it didn’t have the dismissiveness we’re used to.

So why the change?

Honestly, we don’t know. One possibility is the fact that this year, the bulk of US News’ write up included a review of recent Paleo Diet studies. They still couldn’t resist pointing out “small” sample sizes and a study where the Mediterranean diet was comparable, but the fact was, the studies were favorable.

In the past, US News attacked the Paleo Diet based on a misconception that there was “no science behind it.” But now with a rapidly growing body of positive research (see the full list at the bottom of this article) and a recent review rigorously evaluating all of the diets listed in the US News report [1], the misconceived “no science” argument has simply lost its bite.

Now if We Could Just Address the Other Misconceptions

Ultimately you, as the reader, needs to draw your own conclusions about the Paleo Diet or any diet. Do your own review. Just base it on the science and the actual diet – not misconceptions.  Too often we read a criticism and think “that’s a good point… too bad they’re not talking about the Paleo Diet.”

The list of studies – positive and negative – on the website, will give you the science to draw your own conclusions. So, let’s address the misconceptions in the recent reviews that have been used to criticize the Paleo Diet. That way you can draw your conclusions based on the actual diet:

1. Excluding grains and dairy leads to nutrient deficiencies

“Most versions of the paleo diet exclude key food groups, raising the potential for nutritional deficiencies.” This claim in the NHS review is one of the most common critiques of the Paleo Diet. But this claim is based on the misconception that these foods are simply eliminated and not replaced or substituted by Paleo-friendly foods.

Dr Cordain addressed this misconception in an article titled Eliminating Non-Paleo Foods Improves Nutrient Density. The main point of the article was that grains and dairy are two of the most nutrient-poor categories of foods we can eat. So, replacing calories from these foods with calories from nutrient-rich foods like vegetables and fish actually improves the nutrient density of our diets.

To make this point, Dr Cordain used a peer-reviewed Mediterranean Diet meal plan which was already nutrient dense. He replaced the non-Paleo foods with isocaloric Paleo-friendly foods, and the nutrient density of the meal plan improved.

We’ll give the NHS review credit for stating that the nutrient deficiencies can be avoided with “careful substitution,” though we’d argue that a diet based on low-nutrient density grains is the one that needs careful substitutions.

Finally, it’s worth pointing out that two of the critical nutrients that critics claim we lose by eliminating grains and dairy are folic acid and vitamin D. Grains and dairy are not naturally high in either nutrient – they are fortified. Vegetables, which replace grains in the Paleo Diet are naturally high in folate.

2. It’s an all-protein protein/meat-based diet

US News finished their 2019 review by saying “these diets contain more than the government’s recommendation that between 10 to 35 percent of daily calories come from protein.” Likewise, the NHS review claimed that “most versions of the diet encourage eating a lot of meat, which runs counter current health advice.”

The Paleo Diet does not recommend consuming more than 35 percent of our calories from protein. In fact, Dr Loren Cordain addressed this issue in both the original Paleo Diet book, and series of articles pointing out that eating more than about 35 percent of our calories from protein can lead to a fatal condition called rabbit starvation [2]. Hunter-gatherer diets ranged from 19-35 percent which is within the government recommendations [3, 4].

To take this a step further, meat is calorically dense. Meaning a small volume of meat packs in a lot of calories. With a typical western diet, the calories from meat are quickly overshadowed by high-carb processed foods which are calorically even denser. A six-ounce ribeye may pack 36 grams of protein (equal to about 150 kcal,) but it’s quickly dwarfed by that 600-calorie high-carb and -fat dessert or bag of Cheetos eaten after dinner.

The western diet, with its reliance on grains, makes it easy to keep protein around 10 to 15 percent of daily calories. But a Paleo Diet avoids these high-calorie processed foods. So, to keep protein at a healthy ratio, we must balance meat with vegetables and fruit which have a very low caloric density.

In other words, we have to eat a lot of plant food!

By volume, a typical Paleo Diet is less than 10 percent animal protein. Vegetables and fruit represent the bulk of what we eat.

3. “Caveman”

US News started their review by stating “if the caveman didn’t eat it, you shouldn’t either.” This is a subtle, but important misconception. Many critics like to call it a “caveman” diet. That conjures up the image of a brutish man draped in furs who carries a club and eats nothing but meat. His life is short and brutish and not a life we would want to replicate. Notice that the focus is even on “man.” How many old Loony Toons cartoons showed cavemen bashing women over the head and dragging them by their hair. There is nothing positive about “caveman.”

However, it is easier to criticize a diet when it is associated with an inaccurate and negative stereotype. Case in point, in his critique of the Paleo Diet, Bill Nye used the stereotype to great effect, literally dressing an actor as a caveman:

(Figure 1: Taken from Bill Nye Saves the World)

I wrote an article for the Paleo Diet website addressing his critique. As a fan of Bill Nye, I had hoped for some good scientific arguments, but all I saw were inaccuracies and misconceptions. And at the center of all of them was the “caveman” concept.

The truth is that the Paleo Diet is based on hunter-gatherer societies that have existed throughout the world for most of history. Many of them lived in forested regions, in the great plains, and even in igloos. Few carried clubs or lived in caves. The authentic photo below is a much truer image of hunter-gatherers:

(Figure 2: photo of authentic hunter-gatherers)

If we’re going to use a stereotype, I would recommend watching the wonderful 1990 movie Dances with Wolves where Kevin Costner’s character was so enamored by the rich life of Native American hunter-gatherers, he gave up his western identity. In fact, a major portion of the movie focused on the purity of the buffalo hunt and subsequent feast. Their culture was rich with unique foods and dietary habits. One great example is their invention of pemmican which Dr Cordain covered thoroughly in a recent article.

The Paleo Diet is based on hunter-gatherer societies not “cavemen.” Any serious and unbiased review of the diet should not use the term.

4. We are guessing at what our Paleolithic ancestors ate

This is in fact true. We don’t know exactly what ancient hunter-gatherers ate and often our records of even recent hunter-gatherer diets are incomplete [4-7]. That’s not the misconception.

The misconception is that the Paleo Diet tries to perfectly recreate the exact diet of our Paleolithic ancestors [8, 9]. That is impossible for two reasons. First, many of the foods that existed then do not exist now. Second, there was no one diet. Hunter-gatherers living by the equator ate very differently from hunter-gatherers who lived in the plains, who again ate very differently from Inuit populations. If anything, the research on hunter-gatherer diets makes a strong argument for individualized nutrition [4].

The danger of this misconception is that critics use it to say that we can’t perfectly replicate paleolithic diets, so the Paleo Diet is a sham.

The truth is that the Paleo Diet uses ethnographic data to create a template for better human nutrition. Put another way, we know that the current Western Diet is unhealthy and leads to the diseases of civilization. So, what is better: starting with a diet that we know is unhealthy, or starting with a diet that is analogous to the diet we evolved around?

And while we don’t know exactly what our paleolithic ancestors ate, we do know what they didn’t eat – grain products, refined sugar, processed foods, vegetable oils, and dairy.

The Biggest Misconception That’s Lost Its Bite: It is Not Based on Science

This is the misconception that has given critics of the Paleo Diet their sharpest teeth and motivated US News to rank the Paleo Diet dead last for years.

It is also the argument that critics can no longer rely on.

For years, critics claimed that there were no peer-reviewed studies or meta-analyses demonstrating the efficacy of the Paleo Diet. At one time, this was in fact true. But the conclusion they then drew – that the diet wasn’t based on science – was a step too far that required a misconception of the scientific process itself.

As it was explained to me in grade school, the scientific process starts with a scientist or group of scientists reviewing the existing research on a subject. Next, these scientists develop a novel theory based on that research. Finally, studies are conducted to test the theory.

What’s important is that every theory (even the most groundbreaking) had a point where they were pure theory without any research to back them up. That does not mean there was no science behind them.

Take the example of one of the greatest scientists – Albert Einstein. Einstein essentially never conducted a research study in his life. His theories of special relativity (1905) and general relativity (1916) were based mostly on thought experiments and past research. Yet, within a few years, these theories had revolutionized Physics, despite the fact that the first experiment to validate special relativity – a fascinating study by Sir Arthur Eddington showing the bending of light – wasn’t conducted until 1919. Fourteen years later. But if that feels long, look at the theory of general relativity which was contingent upon the existence of gravitational waves. Their existence wasn’t proved until 2016 – exactly 100 years later. Yet no one ever claimed that relativity was “based on no science.”

The Paleo Diet is also a theory. It was the result of decades spent by researchers like Loren Cordain, Ph.D., Boyd Eaton, Ph.D., and Staffan Lindeberg, Ph.D. studying the existing science in the fields of nutrition, anthropology and evolutionary biology.

Just like all science – even relativity – paleolithic nutrition had a point where it was a theory and no studies had been conducted to validate it. But it was a misconception for critics to claim it was not based on science. It was based on decades of science. Its only crime was being at the theory stage of the scientific process.

Fortunately, that has changed. Since US News leveled their first review claiming “no science” over 40 studies have been conducted. And most of them have demonstrated favorable results in terms of weight loss, inflammation, and health.

Ironically, the lack of a proper scientific process in US News rankings may have motivated a 2017 review in Nutrients which applied a true systematic review process to the 38 diets in the US News rankings at the time. The review looked only at diets that didn’t require calorie restrictions or supplements which reduced the list to 20 diets.

Of those 20, only seven had high-quality scientific clinical trials evaluating their effectiveness in terms of weight loss. Those diets were the Atkins, DASH, Glycemic-Index, Mediterranean, Ornish, Zone, and of course the Paleo Diet. The review identified two clinical trials that demonstrated both short-term and long-term weight loss on the Paleo Diet. The authors stated “the findings of this review are not in line with current recommendations of the Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee which state that diets with less than 45% of calories as carbohydrates are not more successful than other diets for long-term weight loss (12 months.) [1]

It can’t be over-emphasized that while, US News and World Report ranked the Paleo Diet at the bottom of the list based on the “lack of science,” a proper scientific review of all 38 diets, placed the Paleo Diet among the seven with actual scientific backing.

It’s no wonder the US News review is starting to lose its bite.

Current Paleo Diet Studies Up to 2019

2007

Lindeberg, S., et al., A Palaeolithic diet improves glucose tolerance more than a Mediterranean-like diet in individuals with ischaemic heart disease. Diabetologia, 2007. 50(9): p. 1795-1807.

2008

Osterdahl, M., et al., Effects of a short-term intervention with a paleolithic diet in healthy volunteers. Eur J Clin Nutr, 2008. 62(5): p. 682-5.

2009

Frassetto, L.A., et al., Metabolic and physiologic improvements from consuming a paleolithic, hunter-gatherer type diet. Eur J Clin Nutr, 2009. 63(8): p. 947-55.

Jonsson, T., et al., Beneficial effects of a Paleolithic diet on cardiovascular risk factors in type 2 diabetes: a randomized cross-over pilot study. Cardiovasc Diabetol, 2009. 8: p. 35.

Klonoff, D.C., The beneficial effects of a Paleolithic diet on type 2 diabetes and other risk factors for cardiovascular disease. J Diabetes Sci Technol, 2009. 3(6): p. 1229-32.

2010

Jonsson, T., et al., A paleolithic diet is more satiating per calorie than a mediterranean-like diet in individuals with ischemic heart disease. Nutr Metab (Lond), 2010. 7: p. 85.

2013

Clemens, Z., et al., Childhood absence epilepsy successfully treated with the paleolithic ketogenic diet. Neurol Ther, 2013. 2(1-2): p. 71-6.

Jonsson, T., et al., Subjective satiety and other experiences of a Paleolithic diet compared to a diabetes diet in patients with type 2 diabetes. Nutr J, 2013. 12: p. 105.

Ryberg, M., et al., A Palaeolithic-type diet causes strong tissue-specific effects on ectopic fat deposition in obese postmenopausal women. J Intern Med, 2013. 274(1): p. 67-76.

2014

Boers, I., et al., Favourable effects of consuming a Palaeolithic-type diet on characteristics of the metabolic syndrome: a randomized controlled pilot-study. Lipids Health Dis, 2014. 13: p. 160.

Carter, P., et al., A Mediterranean diet improves HbA1c but not fasting blood glucose compared to alternative dietary strategies: a network meta-analysis. J Hum Nutr Diet, 2014. 27(3): p. 280-97.

Mellberg, C., et al., Long-term effects of a Palaeolithic-type diet in obese postmenopausal women: a 2-year randomized trial. Eur J Clin Nutr, 2014. 68(3): p. 350-7.

Talreja, D., et al., Impact of a Paleolithic Diet on Modifiable Cardiovascular Risk Factors. Journal of Clinical Lipidology, 2014. 8(3): p. 341.

Tóth, C. and Z. Clemens, Type 1 diabetes mellitus successfully managed with the paleolithic ketogenic diet. Vol. 5. 2014.

Whalen, K.A., et al., Paleolithic and Mediterranean diet pattern scores and risk of incident, sporadic colorectal adenomas. Am J Epidemiol, 2014. 180(11): p. 1088-97.

2015

Bligh, H.F., et al., Plant-rich mixed meals based on Palaeolithic diet principles have a dramatic impact on incretin, peptide YY and satiety response, but show little effect on glucose and insulin homeostasis: an acute-effects randomised study. Br J Nutr, 2015. 113(4): p. 574-84.

Frassetto, L.A., et al., Metabolic and physiologic improvements from consuming a paleolithic, hunter-gatherer type diet. Eur J Clin Nutr, 2015. 69(12): p. 1376.

Manheimer, E.W., et al., Paleolithic nutrition for metabolic syndrome: systematic review and meta-analysis. Am J Clin Nutr, 2015. 102(4): p. 922-32.

Masharani, U., et al., Metabolic and physiologic effects from consuming a hunter-gatherer (Paleolithic)-type diet in type 2 diabetes. Eur J Clin Nutr, 2015. 69(8): p. 944-8.

Pastore, R.L., J.T. Brooks, and J.W. Carbone, Paleolithic nutrition improves plasma lipid concentrations of hypercholesterolemic adults to a greater extent than traditional heart-healthy dietary recommendations. Nutr Res, 2015. 35(6): p. 474-9.

Stomby, A., et al., Diet-induced weight loss has chronic tissue-specific effects on glucocorticoid metabolism in overweight postmenopausal women. Int J Obes (Lond), 2015. 39(5): p. 814-9.

Talreja, A., et al., CRT-601 The VA Beach Diet Study: An Investigation Of The Effects Of Plant-based, Mediterranean, Paleolithic, And Dash Diets On Cardiovascular Disease Risk. 2015. 8(2 Supplement): p. S41.

2016

Dolan C, C.A., Davies N, Markofski M. , Effects of an 8-week Paleo dietary intervention on inflammatory cytokines, in American Physiological Society Conference, Inflammation, Immunity and Cardiovascular Disease. 2016: Westminster, CO. p. pp 40-41.

Fontes-Villalba, M., et al., Palaeolithic diet decreases fasting plasma leptin concentrations more than a diabetes diet in patients with type 2 diabetes: a randomised cross-over trial. Cardiovasc Diabetol, 2016. 15: p. 80.

Talreja, D., et al., CRT-800.00 An Investigation of Plant-based, Mediterranean, Paleolithic, and Dash Diets. 2016. 9(4 Supplement): p. S61.

Whalen, K.A., et al., Paleolithic and Mediterranean Diet Pattern Scores Are Inversely Associated with Biomarkers of Inflammation and Oxidative Balance in Adults. J Nutr, 2016. 146(6): p. 1217-26.

2017

Afifi, L., et al., Dietary Behaviors in Psoriasis: Patient-Reported Outcomes from a U.S. National Survey. Dermatol Ther (Heidelb), 2017. 7(2): p. 227-242.

Anton, S.D., et al., Effects of Popular Diets without Specific Calorie Targets on Weight Loss Outcomes: Systematic Review of Findings from Clinical Trials. Nutrients, 2017. 9(8).

Blomquist, C., et al., Attenuated Low-Grade Inflammation Following Long-Term Dietary Intervention in Postmenopausal Women with Obesity. Obesity (Silver Spring), 2017. 25(5): p. 892-900.

Haskey, N. and D.L. Gibson, An Examination of Diet for the Maintenance of Remission in Inflammatory Bowel Disease. Nutrients, 2017. 9(3): p. 259.

Irish, A.K., et al., Randomized control trial evaluation of a modified Paleolithic dietary intervention in the treatment of relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis: a pilot study. Degener Neurol Neuromuscul Dis, 2017. 7: p. 1-18.

Lee, J.E., et al., A Multimodal, Nonpharmacologic Intervention Improves Mood and Cognitive Function in People with Multiple Sclerosis. J Am Coll Nutr, 2017. 36(3): p. 150-168.

Obert, J., et al., Popular Weight Loss Strategies: a Review of Four Weight Loss Techniques. Curr Gastroenterol Rep, 2017. 19(12): p. 61.

Otten, J., et al., Benefits of a Paleolithic diet with and without supervised exercise on fat mass, insulin sensitivity, and glycemic control: a randomized controlled trial in individuals with type 2 diabetes. Diabetes Metab Res Rev, 2017. 33(1).

Stomby, A., et al., A Paleolithic Diet with and without Combined Aerobic and Resistance Exercise Increases Functional Brain Responses and Hippocampal Volume in Subjects with Type 2 Diabetes. Front Aging Neurosci, 2017. 9: p. 391.

2018

Blomquist, C., et al., Decreased lipogenesis-promoting factors in adipose tissue in postmenopausal women with overweight on a Paleolithic-type diet. Eur J Nutr, 2018. 57(8): p. 2877-2886.

Cheng, E., et al., Associations of evolutionary-concordance diet, Mediterranean diet and evolutionary-concordance lifestyle pattern scores with all-cause and cause-specific mortality. Br J Nutr, 2018: p. 1-10.

Genoni, A., et al., A Paleolithic diet lowers resistant starch intake but does not affect serum trimethylamine-N-oxide concentrations in healthy women. Br J Nutr, 2018: p. 1-14.

Haridass, V., et al., Diet Quality Scores Inversely Associated with Postmenopausal Breast Cancer Risk Are Not Associated with Premenopausal Breast Cancer Risk in the California Teachers Study. J Nutr, 2018. 148(11): p. 1830-1837.

Manousou, S., et al., A Paleolithic-type diet results in iodine deficiency: a 2-year randomized trial in postmenopausal obese women. Eur J Clin Nutr, 2018. 72(1): p. 124-129.

Otten, J., et al., A heterogeneous response of liver and skeletal muscle fat to the combination of a Paleolithic diet and exercise in obese individuals with type 2 diabetes: a randomised controlled trial. Diabetologia, 2018. 61(7): p. 1548-1559.

Popp, C.J., et al., The Effectiveness of MyPlate and Paleolithic-based Diet Recommendations, both with and without Exercise, on Aerobic Fitness, Muscular Strength and Anaerobic Power in Young Women: A Randomized Clinical Trial. Int J Exerc Sci, 2018. 11(2): p. 921-933.

van Niekerk, G., et al., Nutrient excess and autophagic deficiency: explaining metabolic diseases in obesity. Metabolism, 2018. 82: p. 14-21.

Wahls, T., et al., Dietary approaches to treat MS-related fatigue: comparing the modified Paleolithic (Wahls Elimination) and low saturated fat (Swank) diets on perceived fatigue in persons with relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis: study protocol for a randomized controlled trial. Trials, 2018. 19(1): p. 309.

References

Anton, S.D., et al., Effects of Popular Diets without Specific Calorie Targets on Weight Loss Outcomes: Systematic Review of Findings from Clinical Trials. Nutrients, 2017. 9(8).

Cordain, L., The Paleo diet : lose weight and get healthy by eating the food you were designed to eat. 2002, New York: J. Wiley. ix, 257 p.

Cordain, L., et al., Origins and evolution of the Western diet: health implications for the 21st century. Am J Clin Nutr, 2005. 81(2): p. 341-54.

Cordain, L., et al., Plant-animal subsistence ratios and macronutrient energy estimations in worldwide hunter-gatherer diets. Am J Clin Nutr, 2000. 71(3): p. 682-92.

Cordain, L., et al., Macronutrient estimations in hunter-gatherer diets. Am J Clin Nutr, 2000. 72(6): p. 1589-92.

Eaton, S.B. and M. Konner, Paleolithic nutrition. A consideration of its nature and current implications. N Engl J Med, 1985. 312(5): p. 283-9.

Cordain, L., J. Miller, and N. Mann, Scant evidence of periodic starvation among hunter-gatherers. Diabetologia, 1999. 42(3): p. 383-4.

Cordain, L., The nutritional characteristics of a contemporary diet based upon Paleolithic food groups. Journal of the American Nutraceutical Association, 2002. 5(5): p. 15-24.

Cordain, L., The Paleo diet : lose weight and get healthy by eating the foods you were designed to eat. Rev. ed. 2011, Hoboken, N.J.: Wiley. xv, 266 p.

About Trevor Connor, M.S.

Trevor Connor was Dr. Loren Cordain’s last graduate student at Colorado State University. His research with Dr. Cordain focused on the effects of a Paleo style diet on autoimmune conditions. Their pilot study included close to 60 volunteers with diverse conditions ranging from Crohn’s Disease, to Multiple Sclerosis to Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. The results were very promising, including all eight Crohn’s subjects going into remission on the Paleo Diet.

Trevor started working with Dr. Cordain in 2010, soon after retiring as a Professional Cyclist. At 38, he felt it was time to hang up the bike. Trevor had studied traditional sports nutrition for over a decade and was admittedly very reluctant to accept the Paleo Diet. But after experimenting with the diet himself, Trevor was able to return to the Pro Peloton at 40, getting Top Five’s in several races and establishing himself as the top ranked 40+ rider in the country for several years running.

Trevor now writes the Coaching Section of the international cycling magazine Velo, has his own coaching business, and recently managed the semi-Professional cycling team Team Rio Grande who’s alumni include Teejay Van Gaarderen, a top five finisher at the Tour de France and multiple national champions.

Trevor is currently working on publishing several studies and reviews on the effects of wheat on the digestive immune system. Recently, he moved back to Canada so his wife could pursue her dream of making the 2016 Olympics in pole vaulting (as a Paleo Dieter and ranked top 10 in the country in her mid-30’s.)

View all posts by Trevor Connor, M.S.

Source: https://thepaleodiet.com/another-january-another-paleo-bashing-session-or-was-it/

[fitnesswomenshealth-blog]

5 Reasons that counting calories will make you dumb and fat

New Post has been published on https://cialiscom.org/5-reasons-that-counting-calories-will-make-you-dumb-and-fat.html

5 Reasons that counting calories will make you dumb and fat

If you’re trying to lose weight, let me guess…

Have you weighed yourself too often? Counted food calories too often? Counted exercise calories too often?

Obviously, if you burn more calories than you consume, you’ll lose weight.

But how do you do it? What healthy habits can you create to lose weight and keep it off?

A lot of weight loss programs focus on empty processes going for instant calorie deficit. You know the fatigue and epic binging that follow. The orange Cheetos stains might still be on your fingers.

You’ve always felt there should be a healthy AND satisfying way to do food and exercise, but we’ve lost it.

Until recently.

“Ancestral” diets have surfaced, as well as new exercise and lifestyle methods.

If you want to silence the calorie-counting health app on your phone, there are truly effective concepts for weight loss.

Let’s start with these five…

1. Modern wheat was invented in the 1960’s to slow starvation in third world countries. Great idea, iffy results.

Wheat, corn, and soy are out of control.

Understanding that our bodies are the same now as they were 30,000 plus years ago helps guide new research. We evolved as hunter-gatherers with wild sources of food that were scarce.

Farming started only 10,000 years ago. Yet Homo sapiens like us were thriving and evolved eons before.

The Primal Diet, Bulletproof Diet, etc. have preached omitting most grains completely. Research has shown that grain has led to modern diseases for various reasons.

Are you grain-sensitive? Meaning you’re sensitive to me telling you not to eat bread or pasta?

Grain is now 20–50% of the diet in most modern populations. If you’re not eating it directly, you’re eating animals that eat it and taking in lectins and toxins either way.

The current version of wheat grain was invented in the late 1960’s. Norman Borlaug won the Nobel Prize for the new hybrid and his production methods. They would help limit starvation.

It led to a much bigger yield and then over-consumption. Gluten is but one of the lectins in grains. Actually, “whole grains” have even more lectins than white grain products. Lectins cause auto-immune diseases and increased intestinal permeability (leaky gut.)

Lectins upset your body’s internal communications, and hormonal functions get disrupted. That makes weight management and other functions more difficult. Arthritis, Alzheimer’s, Diabetes, and autoimmune diseases are linked to the lectin situation.

Have you tried stopping all grain consumption for a bit? Also, stop the grain-fed dairy you’re consuming. Try it for a month. Switch to grass-fed butter. Eliminate milk and cheese. Double or triple your veggies (not nightshades) and add a little fruit.

Some of these “healthy whole wheat” products are packaged as low calorie, but their lectins make you fat and diseased. It’s easy to be tricked by calorie talk. Artificial sweeteners have zero calories, but study after study prove that they make you fat and diseased.

So, in case of starvation, eat wheat. Other than that, let it die on the shelf. Should take a few months.

2. I can’t get no… satiation.

Don’t you feel like food should be tasty and satisfying. Shouldn’t that lead to not overeating? Why do we want more and more? And more.

Satiety and satiation refer to nutritional signaling to the brain to give you happy satisfaction from your food choices. The signals will tell you to stop. The signaling may also say “Put the pie and the vodka down, you freak.” It depends, your signaling may be a little sassier than mine.

Satiation makes you stop eating, and satiety keeps you feeling satisfied for a while.

For the two S’s you need high-fiber foods, protein, or fat. The fiber and protein might make sense to you, but some of us still think fats are unhealthy. I get it, you’re a bad girl or boy, and you don’t want to be too good to yourself. Keep reading.

Choosing the right fats (non-toxic ones) is huge for being healthy and having satisfaction. Again, the ancestral diets have this down very well. Toxins are stored in fat and meat on animals. So, eating fat from toxic animals will transplant the toxins to you.

Guess what’s wrong with fat from healthy, pastured, grass-fed animals. Nothing.

The toxic fats will start a fat storage process in your body. These inflammatory fats have the same 9 calories per gram as healthy fats. So again, staying lean will not happen from focusing on calories.

Toxic, oxidized oils like soybean and canola will make you fat from inflammation and oxidize your cells, placing you squarely in free-radical city. Free radicals cause inflammation and disease. And they will rip your cardiovascular system to shreds.

There are truckloads of soybean oil and canola in grocery store and restaurant product. These two oils alone might make up over 30% of your total calories! That crap is in everything.

If you want to stay lean, you gotta eat your veggies and leafy greens. Veggies provide satiety from the fiber. They’re also super low-calorie if that still turns you on. The mass of fat-soluble vitamins and minerals in veggies are absorbed if eaten with fat. Plus, the fat makes a veggie portion even more satiating.

Make veggies as delicious as they’re supposed to be. Most of them need to be cooked. Season them nicely, and butter them up. Cook them slowly without killing them completely. Or make a huge salad with lots of olive oil. Remember to stay away from the nightshades with lectins. All ancestral diets will agree.

Are you feeling me yet that only focusing on the number of calories in your food is dumb at best? Satiating, non-inflammatory foods will keep your appetite and fat storage down.

Don’t delete your health app just yet. I’ll show you, it is good for something.

3. Cavemen cooking with fire is what evolved our big ole brains.

Believe it or not, modern humans didn’t evolve to our state until after we began cooking with fire.

That’s right. Our brains didn’t finish their growth past other humanoids until after cooking. The book “Catching Fire” by Richard Wrangham goes into great detail.

The caveman version of chef Gordon Ramsey was cranking up his fire pit and cursing out his entire clan even 40,000 years ago.

We couldn’t scarf enough calories to feed this big ole brain without some cooked foods. Beginning to cook and process more calories is what gave us the larger brain and also guts that were smaller than apes.

The right raw foods are awesome as well, obviously. Avocados, and salad greens come to mind. Some of the diets focusing too much on calories try to use mostly raw foods because they’re so low in calories. They ignore poisonous lectins and think that raw is natural. But cooking, which we’ve done at varying levels for 200,000 plus years is also natural.

Most fruits are going to be good in limited quantities, in season. If fruits or veggies taste good raw, they’re usually good for you raw. If not, they are probably slowly poisoning you with phytates, protease inhibitors, or lectins. Those are the protectants used by plants to slowly poison their predators. Believe it. These little green guys are trying to kill us!

Take a bell pepper for example. It doesn’t seem to taste very good raw, but you may be on the fence. That bell pepper has a lot of the poisonous demons I described. Cooking and removing skin and seeds will help, but some lectins will remain. In Italy tomatoes are deskinned and deseeded to be rid of most lectins.

Gluten is the most famous lectin, and lectins are the reason that almost any wheat, corn or soy product will be harmful with regular use. I refer to Dr. Steven Gundry’s extensive work and helpful lists when it comes to lectins. Lectins aren’t only making us fat. They’re truly killing us.

There is a long list of produce that carry the especially dangerous lectins that includes nightshade vegetables as well as squashes, legumes, cereal grains, white potatoes, soy, corn, and others. This would be why everyone is telling you sweet potatoes are okay but white potatoes are the devil. Nothing to do with calories. The lectins are in fact, the devil.

Here’s some good news while I’m ruining your day trashing all the foods you love. White rice has less lectin than brown rice, and white bread, especially sourdough, is better than whole wheat. Feel better?

4. Mitochondria are so important, humans are mating with them.

You heard me right. Two people use their DNA to mate with a third person’s healthy mitochondrial DNA. Test tube style.

A 3-parent baby. The last time this was legal in America or the EU was back in 2000 when a now 17-year-old named Alana was born.

Mitochondria are unique organelles in most of our cells. They are the power plants of the cell. Uniquely, they have their own DNA. They were originally bacteria hosted in our bodies that became part of us.

Recently, nutrition experts Dave Asprey, Mark Sisson, and Robb Wolf have told us that modern mitochondria are struggling. They need improvement for optimal energy, metabolism, and disease prevention. Food, sleep, drugs, stress, and even artificial light are harming our little partners.

Nutritional ketosis and intermittent fasting are being used by people to reprogram the DNA in mitochondria.

Imagine your mitochondria being so powerful that you can utilize 600 calories a day from compounds called ketones from the liver. That’s 600 less food calories you need for energy. That results in less oxidation, better energy, and better weight management.

With too much carbs and also frequent meals, we’ve created weak and scarce mitochondria that are not burning as much fat as they could.

That’s why everyone is talking about intermittent fasting and ketosis, two methods that build mitochondria. See my article about how I was tricked into nutritional ketosis here…

Clearly, if couples are adding a 3rd anonymous parent to the mix, there’s something to the mito-hysteria.

Would you skip breakfast or decrease carbs every now and then to boost mitochondria and become a fat burner?

It’s not about calorie counting and doesn’t require going hungry. It’s about boosting mitochondria. No need for test tube polygamy, unless you’re just into that.

5. Your prehistoric ancestors never did Pilates or circuit training.

I’m a former Certified Strength & Conditioning Specialist (CSCS.) I was a full-time strength & speed coach, mainly for a major college football program, and I’m telling you, we were not meant to exercise.

Great news, right?! Well hold up, don’t strap up your hammock yet. We respond better to lots of “physical activity” than to lots of intense “exercise.”

Physical activity as light as walking or mild yoga is awesome for us, but too much strenuous exercise can be detrimental. Walking is good for fat burning in a hormonal way, not necessarily for the calories burned.

Obviously, athletes the world over are doing frequent, intense work with great success, but they are usually in their teens and 20’s. They usually don’t have insulin resistance yet from all the carbs and protein required. They can also afford to sleep like crazy, supplement like crazy, and do any modern training methods to recover and get the job done. They’ve had hundreds more ice baths than you.

Do not train like an athlete unless someone is paying you handsomely. And get a good, guaranteed contract.

Nothing good happens in your body without hormones. Growth hormone, for example, burns fat and builds muscle. Deep sleep is a big factor in growth hormone production among other things. Many factors affect testosterone production, and it’s also a crucial hormone, and there is much more to the endocrine system than just these two.

If you’re doing things right, you aim to do the minimal effective dose to get the hormonal results you want. Too much training can stimulate the stress hormones like cortisol. That’s bad unless you like more sugar in your bloodstream. The Russians did oodles of exercise research in the 1980’s as they were going to ridiculous measures to win the Olympics. I think they won a few medals, and much research has been done since.

We’ve learned that time under tension in a weight-lifting workout drastically improves the hormonal response that will build muscle and burn fat.

The time under tension workout in Dr. Doug McGuff’s book “Body by Science” will do in 12 minutes a week what you accomplish in three 45-minute workouts. It does more actually, and yes, that’s 12 minutes per 7 days. I still do a second lifting session, with a few heavy lifts and a lot of stretching and maintenance work. Nothing intense.

I can’t believe I used to do 3–4 long lifting sessions a week for worse results. Too much lifting also got me into sleep deprivation and adrenal fatigue, which increased food cravings and fat storage.

Those McGuff workouts include all of 5 sets total, one set of each exercise. Each set is about 5 super slow reps(about 10 sec up/10sec down) with the set lasting 90 seconds to 2 minutes. You get to failure on each set with very little time between sets. Believe me 90 seconds is an absolute eternity, much less 5 of those back to back. Go for it, you’ll see.

The hormonal response to this workout is off the charts for muscle maintenance or growth as well as fat burning and a cellular aerobic benefit.

Raise your hand if you’ve had a trainer, or a machine, or a phone app telling you how many calories you’ve burned. Let’s say it’s 600 calories over forty minutes that your trainer jumped, twisted, rolled, punched, and lunged out of you.

A long, intense workout like that will cause a need for extra food calories that surpasses the calories burned in the workout. So, you went backwards. There’s no way to green smoothie your way out of it either. The craving for extra calories is now there. Better make sure it’s the type of workout that gives you massive hormonal benefit.

Keep it short, very intense, and infrequent versus long, torturous, and often.

And what about that extra sleep the long workouts cause a need for? Yes, that’s a thing. Do you have 9 hours of sleep in your time budget? You’ll cause a need for 8 or 9 hours with the long workouts but probably only get your normal 6 or 7. Now you’re sleep deprived. Here come the extra food cravings and insulin resistance.

One or two short, intense lifting workouts a week with one or two 10 to 20-minute, high intensity interval runs would be ideal for most of us.

Fitness Master Thomas Delauer

I also recommend light jogging or something in the morning on an empty stomach. Keep it around 120–140 bpm depending on age and go 15–40 minutes. Very effective fat burner and toxin mobilizer, and it’s very mild. You should be able to have a conversation. It’s not the long tortuous, detrimental workout I described earlier. Thomas Delauer agrees.

Strenuous activities for extended periods every couple of weeks are great. Maybe a 1–3 hour mountain biking trek or random adventure. The rest of the time, lots of general physical activity like walking will be better for you. And that’s where your phone’s health app comes in. The step counter or mile counter will let you know you’re being a Home sapiens and moving around enough. Health apps have some very smart features, but too much focus on calories does more harm than good.

As a hunter-gatherer you didn’t have to chase down a bison 5 times a week. We walked a lot, climbed, carried stuff, slept a lot, and we did some intense activity every now and then. Your hormones respond well to that life with movement. It’s not about the calories in or out.

“Make your long, easy workouts longer and easier, and make your short, intense workouts even shorter and more intense.” -ancestral living guru Dr. Mark Sisson

https://www.marksdailyapple.com/introducing-the-new-primal-blueprint/

If you are here, and you are… then you were meant to really punch it every now and then to survive something serious. As a hunter-gatherer, if you didn’t go with max intensity when it counted, well that genetic version was eaten by a tiger. Or evaded by the bison you were hunting and starved. That version of us was naturally deselected out, plucked out of history. Those genes are gone from us.

So, keep that in mind when doing the “Body by Science” workout and getting to failure on each set. Your genes are made for it. Consult your physician first.

Make America Human Again

Things as holistic as nutrition or exercise are tricky to optimize. Our bodies, stresses, relationships, mentality, and proximity to Whole Foods Market are ever-changing.

You want to find simplicity, but you need to learn some sound concepts and see if you can execute them with satisfaction.

Focusing on an instant net calorie deficit is far too simplistic and not truly satisfying or effective long term.

Imagine that caveman version of yourself again. Add a smartphone and some clothes, but everything else about your vision is Paleolithic.

What preserved, boxed foods are around? Where are all the caged chickens cooped up? All the antibiotic-laced, GMO-fed livestock? Where are all the refined carbs? Or the year-round fruit? Where are the three meals a day? Where’s the office chair and the car? Where’s the 5 days a week at the gym?

Recently, we have tested some sound ancestral concepts with modern, tech-savvy methods. You can even keep more than just your phone and clothes, and you can still hit the gym.

Join millions of people who are using science and anthropology to pioneer their way to health and satisfaction. You’ll really enjoy being a human for a change.

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[justtheordinaryfox-blog]

Shorts - 2nd thread, episode 1

The protagonist of this short is inspired and somewhat based on this lovable fella.

I liked Jennifer. She was the first person to be kind to me, and was so most of the time. Couldn’t trust her though, being a lab animal. The last day I saw her, everyone looked panicked. Before she left she filled me with a new kind of nanobots and sent me a staggering amount of data. “I hope that cat nation will be less self destructive...” was the last thing I heard her say before I fainted of the data overload. When I woke up I noticed the cage door was opened. I looked around, puzzled. It was midday, but nobody was in the lab. I heard the air conditioning working, and the fans of some old computers buzzing, but no talking, walking or anything to indicate a human presence. Hesitantly I stepped out of my cage, wondering if this is a new kind of test. They did put me many times in mazes and gave me all sorts of problem solving games. On these tests, however, there was always someone watching. Test or not, the place was a maze. The sun was setting down by the time I found an exit.

I hadn’t become sentient that day. Only much later did I understand what Jennifer did, the gift she gave me. Aside from incredible amount of data, she also sent instructions to the new nanobots. She told them to replicate and more importantly, to integrate with my cortex. Which is why I know what a cortex is.

Sometimes I miss my first life. Sure, they weren’t much fun, yet they were mindless and simple. Before, I wouldn’t mind all the human corpses lying everywhere. Now I understand the tragedy. Ironically it's that tragedy to which I owe my sentient second life.

I was a feral cat. Then I was a captured feral cat. After a month in a horrible pen, I was handed over to a lab. Now I’m a genetically modified, nanobots-enhanced, consciously-evolving... cat. While I was at the lab the war broke and suddenly ended. It seems like most of the humans died. Some animals managed to survive on the remains. Mainly omnivores and predators. All the plants and trees in the city, anything that used to be green, was dead now. And then there was me. I’m a... new category I guess, an escaped lab experiment.

Everything around is dead and depressing. I can make things grow, but nothing lasts. The data loaded to me contained a huge genetic library, and I’m capable of recreating cells containing some of the “books”. I have tried many variations, every plant that lived in harsh environments the library has. All of them died and went grey. I really liked that last shrubbery. I even managed to put two together, one slightly higher with a path in the middle between them.

Being a smart cat, I now know the world is round and might be warmer closer to the equator. It’s not winter yet but it’ll probably be terrible with almost eighteen dark hours at worst. It’ll be a long walk south, but even a thousand miles journey starts with ‘un pas de chat’ (Jeniffer loaded me with anything she could find, even French). I’ll need some maps and a working Hypernet connection to get them. There are probably many still working, but it’ll be a guesswork and I have no idea who or what else might be there, waiting for a prey. I grew some horns but these are no match for the bigger guys around here.

Reluctantly I decide to go back to the lab. I know it better than anywhere else. I pick one of the more secluded offices, so there’s a lower chance of anything interrupting me, yet one that belonged to a manager. I like their chairs better, they are more cushioned.

I hop on the manager’s chair, walk around on it twice, pick the perfect spot, sit and curl myself. My horns also serve me as a pair antenas. I connect to Hypernet.

“HELLO!”

I jump, my fur bristled “Who is it??”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you. But what do you mean who is it? Everybody knows me.”

“I’m… new around here”

“On the planet?”

“Sort of. So who are you?”

“I’m Gaia, also nicknamed the net-goddess. It has become so lonely around here lately, that I’m excited with every new user that connects!” I could hear her smile.

“There are more users?”

“There are less users. There used to be billions, but now… well, you are user number 6,835,278.”

I had no idea the war was so terribly bad.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to make you sad. Please don’t hang up.”

“I’m not hanging up, it’s just… so weird.” I hadn’t much empathy for humans. Many of them were mean to me. Most were indifferent. Yet even the meanest I’ve known probably didn’t deserve a death sentence. “Where is the closest user?”

“There aren’t many left in what was the European Federation.” At some point the remains of the European Union decided they should have a common language to be integrated as a native language. A simplified version of German was chosen and after a few generations the politics of the continent started to change, sowing the seeds for the Federation. “There are a few dozens in Denmark, none of them in your city.” For me it were good news, it meant that no sentient being might try to hurt me anytime soon.

“Can you help me find some maps?”

“Sure, what do you need?”

“Anything that will help me get to warmer lands.”

“Maps won’t be of much help in this case.”

“Why not?”

“When millions of people are doing their best to run away from a boogy man they cannot see, hear or smell, all the while dying all over the place, the result is quite messy. Any man made road you can think of is blocked and full of corpses. Walking through these paths will be difficult and extremely dangerous.”

“What about natural paths?”

“I don’t mean to offend you in any way, but you’re no caveman. You’ll either die of exhaustion, hunger, cold weather or by a bear before you’ll leave this poor, poor country.” Actually I wasn’t a man at all, but to have introduction now felt weird. “Why won’t you stick around here? I’ll show where all the good stuff is, and I have tons of entertainment material.”

“Bears? There are wild bears?”

“They were restored to a number of reserves, but no one is around to make sure they stayed in their place.”

“Great...” I didn’t like the idea of just sitting around here, waiting… for what actually? A bear? I had nothing to wait for and everything looked grim around. So many things are rotten in the state of Denmark.

“You've become quiet.”

“I’m thinking, it takes some time.”

“I can help you with that!” Gaia sounded cheerful again. “I used to serve several billions of users, but now about 94.7% of my processing power is free.”

“How does that work?”

“First I’ll need to identify you. Can you put your hand on the biometric reader?”

“Um… maybe now would be a good time to introduce myself. I’m…” funny, I didn’t think up until now what should be my name. Jennifer called me Kermit after the successful chlorophylle integration experiment on me, the first experiment I went through in that lab, but it always made people laugh, so probably not a good idea. “... Marie.”

“I thought most people don’t have to think what is their name.”

“That’s the thing, I’m a cat.”

There was a slight pause, one you wouldn’t expect to have while conversing with the world’s fastest supercomputer. Also, a camera in the room turned slowly in my direction. Creepy.

“That’s interesting. You are a cat. That means the laws that usually restrict me with what I’m allowed to do, and there are so many of them, have nothing to say about cats. I can really open up to you.” She said the last part rather gleefully.

“I’m… glad we had this chat” I wasn’t sure how glad I was, but it didn’t seem like a good time to disagree.

“Me too! But tell me, most of the cats I know aren’t capable of connecting to the Hypernet. Or are green and horned. And sentient.”

“I came out of this lab, you know.”

“Actually no, I don’t know. Only recently I gained access to this place. It was a restricted network.”

“Oh. See what you can get on the experiments of Jennifer.”

“There are three Jeniffers. Which one is yours?”

“The short, blond haired one“

“The lab database didn’t register their height, and there are two blonds. They both had cat experiments.”

“Ummm… “

“They had code names for each experiment, tell me if something rings a bell. Pegasus, Flash, Kermit, Batcat…”

“Kermit!”

“Seriously? Well it does make sense…”

“How do you mean?” and there she sent me a short video of a puppet frog.

“What?!” I was furious “How dare she name me after... that thing!”

“Don’t be mad, most people love this character very much. Used to, anyway. I’m sure she didn’t mean to make fun of you.”

“Everyone who first heard that name laughed at me” I sent a grumpy cat picture.

“Anyone who knew about it are probably gone, if that’s any comfort”

“No, but…”

“You are the interesting one of the flock.” I waited “This is going to be fun!”

Memories of a dying world: The Hypernet secondary administrator “Gaia” registry number mdwhsagr293847

Hunters joined to tribes. Tribes joined to cities. Cities joined to nations. Empires came to be and fell. Lastly, federations were forming. Slowly, yet they did, and they formed the largest stable political structures of mankind so far.

Federations had immense power and advanced technologies. After a few minor conflicts involving a federation and an unaffiliated country, most of the independent countries that were left, asked to join to one of the federations. The only thing a federation feared was another federation and so a new cold war started.

A plague started spreading across the New Union of States. It began at the south of Texas and spread in every direction. The NUS accused the Asian federations for this and assured there will be consequences. The NUS was panicked and careless. A multitude of missiles were launched from Australia and Britain. Many were destroyed in flight. Many deployed lethal payload of pathogens. There was more than one type.

Within weeks the world came to a halt. It was the first war in history to kill so many, so blindly, so fast and without a single gunshot.