#single moment of realization which I do not know if this can be a logical realization or not

[cat-marshmallow]

z

[shiftinglea]

Death doesn’t exist.

Interestingly, in order for me to accept that I was the creator of my life, I had to learn more about death. It was a missing puzzle piece that allowed me to remember that I am God and can manifest whatever I desire.

But before that, I was quite doubtful about my ability to create. I would persist and believe (or try to anyway), but underneath all that, I had this encompassing fear of failure. Fear that by the end of my life, I would still not have succeeded with my manifestations. Fear of dying in regret and disappointment for not experiencing the life I desire.

And I thank my soul for guiding me to the book “Home with God” by Neal Donald Walsch, which allowed me to remember that there is no death. This book is a dialogue between the author and The God (aka the source of everything). When I was reading that book, it didn’t feel like I was learning something new. It felt like remembering something I already knew.

And in this post, I’ll be sharing information about death from that dialogue. Obviously, it’s your choice to believe it. But I would recommend you not listen to your mind. Listen to your soul; it speaks to you through your feelings. Intuition. Allow yourself to FEEL the information I’m sharing. Do not use logic for that; it’s quite limiting. So here we go:

Learning about death allowed me to stop fearing dying in regret and disappointment, which then produced confidence in my manifesting abilities and feeling at total peace every single day. There is nothing to be afraid of. Why? Because death doesn’t exist, and this is what I mean by that:

When people speak of death, they mean the end of life. But your life never ends. It’s the physical body that dies, and then at that moment, you discover that you are still alive. You keep on existing just in a different form. Death is simply an experience of leaving 3D and entering another dimension. And what’s the most fascinating thing: it’s different for everyone, or the experience of it is more like. Same with your life in physical form: it’s different for everyone depending on your beliefs, perception, and assumptions. You choose the experience of your life (consciously or unconsciously). The same with death: you choose your own experience of it. But what’s the same for everyone is that “death” has 3 stages.

The first stage is the same for everyone. “In stage one, at the moment of your death, you will instantly experience that life has gone on. This will be the same for everyone. There could be a brief period of disorientation, as you come to realize that you are not with your body, but, instead, are now separate from it.” During this stage, you realize even though your body died, your life hasn’t ended. For most people, it will be the first time they realize that they aren’t their bodies. The body is something you have. It’s not what you are. And then you move into the next stage.

The second stage is where everyone’s experience is unique depending on their beliefs about what happens after death:

• If you believe in reincarnation, for instance, you may experience moments from previous lives of which you have no previous conscious memory.

• If you believe that you will be enfolded in the embracing arms of an unconditionally loving God, that will be your experience.

• If you believe in a Day of Judgment or a Time of Reckoning, followed by paradise or damnation for all eternity, you will experience being judged and the judgment will turn out exactly as you imagined it would.

• If you died thinking that you deserve heaven, you will immediately experience that, and if you think that you deserve hell, you will immediately experience that. Heaven will be exactly as you imagined it would be, as will hell. If you have no idea about the specifics of either, you will make them up right on the spot. Then, these places will be created for you that way, instantly. You may remain in these experiences as long as you wish.

What’s important to know is that there is no Hell. But you can create hell for yourself if you choose to or believe that’s what you deserve.

However, you won’t stay there for one moment longer than you choose to. The moment you decide that you are done experiencing it, it’s finished. The same with Heaven.

Everyone remembers in the 2nd stage that they create their reality: in the physical and spiritual. In the physical realm, our creations may be delayed. But in the spiritual realm, our manifestations are instant. So you can experience whatever you desire for however long you wish. You can relive your life again or create a new one and enjoy that life for however long you want, and it will feel as real as in 3D. So during the 2nd stage, souls remember that they create their experiences and it’s instant. When they are done experiencing their creations, they move to the 3rd stage.

During the 3rd stage, you experience Ultimate Reality, which is merging with the Essence (God/Creator of all). You are enveloped with the infinite source of love and peace. You become one with The Creator. This is where you came from. It’s pure void. You are a pure being.

Every aspect of itself, every “good” and “bad” trait the soul thought it had is being absorbed by the Creator. It melts all shame, pride, fears, every character trait and leaves the soul with a beautiful emptiness. Experiencing nothing but Oneness. “Now you are merged with this Light and you feel dissolved. This “melting” completes the change in your identity. You no longer identify yourself in any way or at any level with the separate aspect of being that you called “you” in your physical life.”

The most fascinating thing is that you can experience the merging with everything during your physical life. This is what the void is for. When you reach the void state, you merge with Oneness where creation is instant.

During the 3rd stage of death, you can stay merged with the Creator for as long as you desire. But you won’t stay there forever because that’s it’s not what you desire. Because if you stay forever in this pure bliss and ecstasy, you would stop identifying it as “bliss” and “ecstasy”. Because there is nothing else there. There is no opposite of that. So you will desire to recreate yourself anew and choose your next physical incarnation because that’s the only way for you to experience your own magnificence.

The purpose of death is to reestablish your identity and to help you remember who you really are: One with God, an infinite source of creation. The purpose of physical life is to experience this knowing.

I want to point out the importance of your system of beliefs because they shape your life and your death (during the 2nd stage). You are constantly creating your reality. In physical life and after that. Some people think different rules apply in death (or in life). But no, it’s the same rules, the only difference is that your creations are instant after death. But again, they can be instant in your physical realm if you choose to believe that you can create instantly. It’s all about your beliefs and assumptions.

For most people who aren’t into LOA and don’t know that that’s are creators of their reality, their “death” will be the moment of remembrance that they are indeed creators. That they never stopped creating and they will see it clearly. But they don’t have to wait until death to experience themselves as God and creators. You can do it in physical life. It’s always your choice. You shape your life in physical and your life in spiritual.

For me, knowing more about death allowed me to stop feeling anxious about whether I’ll manifest my dream life before I die. The fact is that I never die, I just change my form. Life is eternal. It’s the body that dies. But you are not your body. It’s something you have. It helps you to experience wonderful things that you have chosen to experience.

[youunravelme]

to all the girls you've loved before part six

author's note: okay......so i can explain. i know it's been like four months, but i swear it wasn't on purpose and tbh i lost track of time. so here's it is after months of waiting. i promise i didn't forget about it, i just had other projects i was working on (like the 30k words i wrote for two separate fics) that really took up most of my inspiration. there is a time jump in this, but not a huge one. but enough excuses! here's to part six (which is 9.4k words, i figured y'all deserved it)!

pairing: single dad!mat barzal x reader

summary: being a nanny for rich people was probably the worst thing that ever happened to you, until you started working for mat.

warnings: children, rich people, fear of falling in love, moving into angst city baby

day forty-five

you woke up in an unfamiliar place. disoriented, you looked around, noting that it was still dark outside. there was a weight around your waist that was familiar in the sense that you'd felt that sensation before, but unfamiliar in that it smelled like someone new. your heart started racing at the feeling, until you recognized it for what it was: an arm.

your heart rate settled for a moment until you blinked and realized that while you were at home, you were in a different room and considering there was no crib, you could only make one leap in logic:

it was mat's room.

jason's words came back to haunt you almost immediately.

he'll get bored of you eventually. people always do.

your hands felt clammy as you slowly slid out of mat's hold. your knees were shaking. the air was too thick to breathe evenly, but you knew if you started hyperventilating in mat's room, he might wake up and freak out with you.

so you took some shaky breaths and then booked it back to your room.

you stared up at the ceiling for two hours until ella woke up. immediately, you got up, thankful for a distraction from the conflict brewing inside your chest.

when you opened your bedroom door, mat was standing across the hall in his own doorway. his hair was disheveled and his white tee shirt was askew, but it was clear he had the same thought as you.

the two of you stared at each other until one of ella's cries snapped you both back to reality.

"i'll get her," you said quickly before darting into ella's room and ignoring the feeling of his eyes on you. they burned into your back like someone was steaming the clothes hanging off your body.

in the crib, ella was kicking her legs and flapping her arms as much as her sleep sack would allow. and for a moment, you forgot the momentary discomfort at the sight of her gummy smile.

"good morning, sweet girl," you crooned. you reached into the crib and unzipped her sleep sack before picking her up and into your arms. she immediately snuggled into your chest, tucking her head under your chin.

you changed her diaper before heading out to the kitchen where mat was cooking eggs.

you wouldn't look him in the eye, just focused on getting ella into the high chair. mat walked past you, putting her plate of fruit on her high chair tray. it was the closest you'd been since that morning in his bed. and while it was technically innocent, it didn't feel innocent.

as much fun as he was, you'd forgotten that mat was still technically your boss, a friend too, but your boss nonetheless. and sleeping in his bed, regardless of how much you believed you needed it, was a mistake.

you couldn't lose this job, lose ella, lose sydney, but you didn't think you could handle losing mat. not entirely.

so you'd settle for losing the smaller moments of closeness. you'd stay professional with him if only for the sake of keeping your heart and income safe.

god, you hated thinking of him just as an income, but jason's words rang in your head like a small town church bell at noon. was he just waiting to sleep with you? was he just taking pity on you?

it was too early to get a headache.

you sat in a chair next to ella and checked your phone for any messages when a plate was placed in front of you with eggs made in the way you loved and a piece of toast.

"it was all i could manage without giving you food poisoning," mat said sheepishly.

you said a quiet thanks and turned your attention back to your phone, missing the way mat's face contorted into a frown.

"what do you have planned for today?" he asked, taking the seat across from you.

you shrugged, not feeling too keen on going out in public after what happened the night before. you weren't stupid, logically you knew new york was a large city and the odds of running into natalie or jason were slim, but you saw them last night and you weren't too eager to chance repeating the same thing.

"i think we'll just take it easy, stay home and hang out," you said. the words what about you were sitting on the tip of your tongue, but you kept your mouth shut.

mat hummed as he took a bite of his toast. "i'm gonna go work out with tito before practice, and then i think we have some interviews or media to do," he said.

you nodded but said nothing. when ella finished her breakfast, which looked like her tossing eggs onto the floor, you scooped the plate up and hurried back into the kitchen, excited to do something more than just sitting in a room with mat. you started washing the plate, not even thinking about the dishwasher three feet away.

"i can get that," he said, reaching around you and grabbing the plate straight out of your hands. he placed in in the dishwasher before grabbing the broom and sweeping up the eggs on the floor as he cooed at his daughter.

your heart lurched in your chest at the sight, at the view of him being so gentle and doting. you cleared your throat and dusted your clean hands on your pants to keep them from doing something stupid like pulling mat to you and asking him to hold you like he did last night.

"i hate to rush off," mat started as he placed the broom back in its corner and washed his hands. "but i told tito i'd actually be on time today." he got ella out of her high chair and kissed her chubby cheeks. "dada loves you ella bean," he said before approaching you.

you did your best to prepare for eye contact. but the bottom line was as soon as you met his eyes, you couldn't move, couldn't breathe.

he was the prettiest man you'd ever seen, with an even bigger heart.

you snapped out of it when ella reached for you, focusing on how her downy brown hair was growing longer, instead of how she was a complete carbon copy of her father.

for a second, you almost felt bad for her birth mother, nine months of being pregnant, all that labor, only for ella to look just like mat.

but then you remembered that same woman dropped her daughter off with him with just a note, and any lingering feelings of empathy and pity immediately vanished.

you took ella and scampered off to her room, ready to get out of mat's presence.

the two of you were playing with some of her toys when you heard mat call out a goodbye before the door shut behind him.

it wasn't until the lock clicked that you could finally breathe.

day fifty-five

"are you coming to the game tonight?" sydney asked over the phone.

you had your cellphone tucked between your shoulder and your ear as you prepped ella's lunch for the day. the baby in question was babbling to herself when she wasn't stuffing her face with the cheerios you gave her until you could give her lunch.

"uh..." you hesitated, trying to play it off like you were too focused on mashing up bananas.

"oh come on," sydney said. "i feel like i haven't seen you in forever."

"you saw me last week."

"that was seven days ago. you didn't even come to the game earlier this week. what was that about?"

the words were on the tip of your tongue, the truth dangled in front of you like low hanging fruit, but you couldn't get yourself to say it. not in his home, not when he would be getting home shortly, not in front of ella, even though she would never be able to repeat it.

sydney said your name. "are you there?"

you sighed through the receiver. "i'll be there."

"great! i'll pick you up!" she said before hanging up.

you and ella ate in silence until mat came through the front door. ella immediately squealed and threw her bananas in the air, some of which landed in her hair, other pieces ended up on the floor.

"ella bean!" mat smiled as he dropped his things on the ground.

he walked over and you shot up out of your seat to walk into the kitchen under the guise of grabbing paper towels to clean up her mess.

"how was she?" mat asked, taking over your job in supervising his daughter eating her lunch.

you shrugged even though he couldn't see you. "she's been fine. it's been a normal day."

"are you coming to the game tonight?" he asked. truthfully, he'd asked you earlier that morning, or maybe the word begged was a better word to use. you could tell he was disappointed that you hadn't gone to his game earlier that week, but he was never going to pressure you.

"yeah, we're riding with sydney."

"do you have anything to wear?" he asked.

your back was turned, so you didn't see the hopeful gleam in his eye. so when you shrugged and said "sydney said she would get me a shirt," you didn't see the way his shoulders sagged and how the corners of his mouth turned down.

when you turned back around, he was back to looking happy.

you started cleaning up the banana off the floor while mat handed ella her water cup.

"she takes a nap right after lunch, right?"

you looked up at him to find him already staring at you. his hazel eyes felt like they could see right through you, like they could tell you were pulling away and wanted to know why.

you nodded, rendered speechless by his gaze.

"i'll put her down, i've missed her." he booped her nose which made her immediately shriek and squeal. "i don't have to be at the arena for another two hours, so you're free to do whatever."

you expected as much, after his first long roadie, mat wanted to do everything concerning ella. considering he got back earlier that week before having a home game two days later, he hadn't been as present as he would like.

and the result was always a clingy mat.

"sounds good," you said.

maybe you'd text sydney to hang out at a coffee shop for the time being. or maybe you'd lock yourself in your room under the guise of napping while you stared at the ceiling and wondered how you got into this situation.

as ella finished up, the idea hit you immediately.

erin, the woman who you nannied for first.

when mat put ella down, you snuck out the front door and across the hall, praying she would be home. you knocked and waited, fully expecting to turn around and go back to mat's apartment.

you stood outside for all of five minutes before turning back around and heading back into mat's apartment.

"everything okay?" mat asked when you walked back inside the apartment. he was just coming from putting ella down if having one of the baby monitors in his hand was any indication.

"yeah, i'm fine," you said. "i'm just gonna go lay down for a little while."

"oh," he replied. "thought we could watch one of those reality shows you like. felt like i haven't seen you in awhile."

you gave him a small smile. "rain check? i'm really tired."

mat smiled back, though it wasn't as confident as it usually was. if you looked hard enough, you could see the edges of it shake, like he was doing his best to keep up appearances.

but you headed back to your room before you could do something stupid like apologize for the emotional distance and ask for forgiveness.

you got got into bed and stared at the ceiling, only taking your gaze off of it to turn your baby monitor on. you weren't sure how long you were in that borderline comatose state, just repeating jason's cutting words in your head, when ella woke up.

you got up when she cried, fully expecting mat to be gone by then, considering it had been an hour and a half. but you walked into ella's room to see him pulling her out of her crib in his game day suit.

and it should've been illegal to see him snuggle and kiss her cheeks. to witness him cooing back at her as he changed her diaper. you leaned against the door frame, unable to keep your heart from soaring at the sight. just to think, a month and a half ago, he was terrified, now he was changing a diaper like he'd done it his entire life.

he didn't notice you until he turned around and nearly jumped ten feet in the air at the sight of you standing there. "jesus fucking christ," he said. "you scared me."

you couldn't help yourself. "you don't say," you quipped with a grin tugging at the corners of your lips.

mat closed the distance between the two of you and passed off ella. "i hate to run, but--"

"you don't have to explain yourself to me," you said. "we'll see you later."

he nodded and booked it out of the room, but not before pressing a kiss to the side of ella's head.

you heard the door lock behind you a beat later.

you and ella spent the rest of the afternoon lounging around before it was time to start getting ready for the game. you had her dressed in her barzal jersey and a coat while you slapped on a pair of jeans and a tank top, waiting for sydney to bring you the shirt you'd end up wearing.

it was a quarter to six when sydney knocked on the door. she had her daughters with her. winnie immediately went to see ella, who was sitting in her playpen with one of her toys in her mouth.

"you look cute," sydney commented before tossing the shirt at you. without even thinking about it, you tugged the shirt over your head and threw on the jacket you had laid out on the couch.

"so do you," you replied while slinging the diaper bag over your shoulder. you quickly scooped ella up and looked at sydney. "you ready?"

she nodded as the two of you got three kids out to her suv. you had ella in one arm, her car seat in the other, with her diaper bag weighing heavily on your shoulder.

fifteen minutes had passed by the time you got all the girls in the car and strapped in yourselves. you thought everything was normal until sydney turned the music on a little louder and looked at you from the corner of her eye.

"what's going on with you and m-a-t," she spelled out his name probably as a precaution to prevent winnie from picking up any details.

you froze, but tried to play it off. "what do you mean?"

sydney rolled her eyes. "don't play dumb. you asked me for a shirt to wear tonight instead of raiding his closet like you usually do. you didn't go to the game earlier this week under some flimsy excuse."

you sighed, knowing you had been caught.

but sydney wasn't done.

"not to mention, m-a-t asked me what happened at the bar because you'd been distant ever since and hadn't talked to him about it." sydney sighed. "i'm not mad," she said. "i just want to know what's going on with you, i thought things were going well. you two seemed..."

you looked over at the blonde. "seemed like what?"

she shrugged. "just thought you two were a good fit is all."

you groaned. "syd--"

"but we don't have to talk about it, i just think you need to have a conversation with him sooner rather than later."

whatever you had to say was cut off by winnie screaming out the lyrics of baby shark.

the five of you arrived with an hour left until the puck drop. thankfully, the wags rented a suite which meant you didn't have to contend with a huge crowd and ella didn't have to feel confined to just one seat the entire night.

grace along with the other wags greeted you and ella with grace offering to take ella from you in exchange for a margarita, an offer you couldn't turn down.

when the boys came out for warmups, you went with sydney and her daughters and ella down to the ice. ella fought the headphones on her head, she kept reaching for them but you had to pull her little hands away so she wouldn't hurt her ears.

it took a few seconds for matt martin to spot the five of you before he was skating over and waving at his daughters and wife. he smiled at you and ella, tapping the glass once before continuing his warm ups. it was seconds later when your mat showed up with a big smile on his face. ella shrieked, and though the sound was lost in the ruckus of the arena, mat looked happier.

your eyes met and the noise died down, even if it was for a brief moment.

you okay? he mouthed.

you nodded and gave him your most convincing smile. it seemed to do the trick because he was beaming back at you as he skated away backwards, eyes locked on yours.

you turned away and caught sydney staring with a smirk. and while she didn't say anything, you could almost hear her train of thought.

when the game finally started, you were all back in the suite. ella was clinging to you, refusing even the idea of being held by someone else. you couldn't blame her, it was getting close to her bedtime and she was always clingy around that time.

you did your best to pay attention to the puck, to the other players on the ice, but your eyes kept finding 13 whether he was on the bench or the ice. he kept glancing around the ice, probably following the puck like you should be, and occasionally talking to his teammates.

you turned when someone nudged you. grace was standing there with a cup of ice water in her hands. "do you wanna sit?" she asked. "i know your arm is getting tired." you smiled and nodded thankfully, following her over to a pair of seats.

she let you sit in silence for just a moment before she started talking. "are you okay? you seem lost in thought tonight."

part of you wanted to be annoyed with the constant interrogation. no one had ever asked you this many times if you were alright. but that thought alone had your heart lurching.

no one had ever checked on you this many times like sydney, grace, and mat had. it was an unusual feeling, and one that made your heart beat faster in your chest while also making your stomach turn.

"i've just got a lot on my mind," you said, hoping the answer would suffice.

grace nodded, like she could recognize when it wasn't worth the effort to keep pestering. "if you ever need someone to talk to, i'm here. i know running into an ex is never fun."

you kept a straight face even though grace hit the nail on the head.

the game continued on with the islanders winning 6-2. but you had been so out of it, if anyone asked, you wouldn't be able to tell them who the isles played against.

you made your way down to the locker rooms with ella sleeping against your shoulder and the diaper bag slung over the other shoulder. you would've put her in the car seat, but after an earlier attempt ended in her crying and screaming for ten minutes before she fell back asleep, you decided to just hold her. grace had the car seat in one hand so you wouldn't have to carry it while holding winnie's hand with her other one so sydney could carry her diaper bag and her youngest.

the three of you waited with the other wags, making small talk amongst yourselves like you had all night.

anders came out first and kissed his wife before greeting everyone else. matt came out shortly after with casey. his attention was immediately drawn to winnie who ran into his legs with zero hesitation.

you waited for ten minutes before your mat came out with his game day suit on and wet hair. it felt as familiar as your mother's homemade cooking.

he smiled when he saw you, anything anthony was telling him didn't matter anymore.

"what'd ya think?" he asked.

"you played a good game."

his gaze drifted from your eyes to your lips then to the baby on your shoulder. his brows creased in confusion. "she didn't sleep in the car seat?"

"we tried, but she screamed and wouldn't settle unless i was holding her."

he nodded before adjusting the bag in his hand so he had a free one to scoop the car seat out of grace's grip. he nodded towards the diaper bag on your shoulder. "want me to carry that?"

"you saying i'm not strong enough to carry it by myself?" honestly, you were supposed to be keeping things professional between the two of you, but you just couldn't help but quip back at him. not when he made it so much fun.

mat rolled his eyes and took the bag off your shoulder and slung it over his own. "let's go home."

day sixty-eight

with christmas approaching, you were spending all of ella's nap times, packing your bags and wrapping presents. thankfully, you had the foresight to ship your family's christmas presents to your parents' house.

it was just a matter of wrapping mat and ella's presents.

you might've gone overboard with ella's presents, spending too much money on books and a stuffed animal you thought was cute. mat's present was different.

it was always gonna be different.

originally, you weren't even sure if you were going to get him a present considering you were trying to keep things professional. but sydney let it slip that his present to you was really thoughtful, so you immediately left the apartment as soon as mat got home.

in the end, the tie felt a little impersonal, but you added a note, heartfelt enough to not be insulting, but maintaining an air of professionalism. you kept the presents in your room, knowing mat wouldn't try to guess what you got him if it was out of sight.

mat had roped you into decorating for christmas, a tradition he hadn't honored since moving out to new york, but with it being ella's first christmas, he was going all out.

with ella's first christmas approaching, mat's family made plans to fly in two days before to attend the game. you made plans to leave the city so his family didn't have to get a hotel room and you could miss the christmas eve traffic.

your bags were packed by the door while mat got ella ready.

"who's driving you to the airport?" he asked at the dinner table the other night.

"no one," you said after you'd swallowed your food. "i'm taking an uber."

mat made a noise in the back of his throat. "no you're not. i'll drive you. what time do you have to be at the airport?"

"mat, it's not that serious."

"it is to me. so again, what time do you need to leave?"

mat came walking down the hallway with ella all bundled up against the cold weather that was raging just outside the window. snow flurries were falling down at a rapid rate, something that might've concerned you had mat, a canadian, not been the one to drive you.

he handed ella off to you before scooping your bags up in one hand and opening the front door with the other.

"you don't have to carry my bags, mat."

"well, you're carrying my child, so why would i make you carry bags on top of that?"

"you could've carried ella!"

"not when i was planning on carrying your bags! now let's go, you don't want to miss your flight, now do you?"

the three of you headed out to his car and loaded it up. mat placed your bags in the trunk while you strapped ella in before you both hopped in the front and headed towards the airport.

"you excited to see your family again?"

you nodded. "it'll be good to see everyone again."

"you don't have any relatives you'd rather avoid?"

you couldn't help it, a laugh burst out of your mouth without your permission. "actually not this time around but--"

an alert on your phone cut you off.

flight BA4739 has been cancelled due to a mechanical issue.

"you've gotta be shitting me," you said.

mat glanced at you before quickly turning his eyes back to the road. his attention, though, was still on you. "what happened?"

"my flight's cancelled."

mat eased into the right lane and began the drive to the apartment. "are there any flights you can catch?"

you were a step ahead of him, checking every possible flight out of jfk and shaking your head when you came up empty handed. "it doesn't look like it." you sighed and pressed your head against the head rest. "god, i'm sorry mat. i know your family is coming in tomorrow and this puts a dent in things."

he scoffed. "it's fine, just means they'll have to get a hotel, but i can take care of that easy."

your eyes shot open. "mat, don't put them in a hotel, i can find someone to stay with."

"i'm not kicking you out of our home. that's ridiculous."

you clenched your jaw to keep it from dropping at his statement. mat said it so plainly, it was almost like it wasn't a big deal.

"mat--"

"listen, you're not going to a hotel, that's final. when we get home, we'll check for the next flight out and i'll buy the tickets."

"you don't have to--"

"consider it my christmas present to you," he said like there weren't presents under the tree with your name carefully written on them.

you rolled your eyes, but there was a smile tugging at the corners of your lips.

when the three of you got back to the apartment, you grabbed ella while mat took the bags. the second you three were settled, you were pulling out your laptop and double checking for flights. when you couldn't find anything, you sighed and resigned yourself to a white christmas in new york.

day sixty-nine

you and ella were dancing to christmas music in the living room when the barzals came in through the door.

"let me see my grandbaby!" nadia said, dropping her purse on the couch.

you handed ella over immediately, though you hung around for a second to see if she would cry. but ella just smiled and stuck a fist in her mouth.

liana came through next, hugging you briefly before turning her attention to her niece.

a man who you'd never met but knew to be mat's father walked in carrying bags of his own with mat following behind him. you fully expected to be bypassed in favor of ella, and you wouldn't even blame him. but he stopped in front of you and placed the bags on the ground at his feet. with a heavy hand he'd placed on your shoulder, mike barzal began to speak.

"thank you," he said. "thank you for taking care of my son and my grandchild. when we heard the news, my wife and i were trying to figure out what to do, but then mat called a few days later and sang your praises." he squeezed your shoulder gently. "i can't tell you how much it means to us knowing that you're here taking care of ella and helping mat."

you managed a smile, not really having the words to communicate how much having mat and ella has changed your life.

mike squeezed your shoulder one more time before walking over to where his wife and daughter stood.

mat approached you next, the bags he carried in were resting by the door.

"i can sleep on the couch, or go out and buy an air mattress and sleep in ella's room," you said. "just say the word."

mat rolled his eyes and elbowed you lightly. "quit it. this is your home too, i'm not kicking you out."

"i hope i didn't hear you offering to vacate your room," nadia turned around and faced you, quirking an eyebrow. "we're not going to make you leave."

"you wouldn't be making me do anything, i'm offering--"

"and we're denying the offer," she said matter of factly. "there's a nice hotel not too far from here."

"i don't want to split up your family for christmas!"

nadia approached and with the arm not holding ella, she reached out and squeezed your hand. "sweetheart, you've been taking care of my babies, you're family to me now."

you swallowed the lump in your throat.

"i'm sorry you don't get to spend christmas with your family," she started. "but i'm glad i get to watch you open the presents we got you in real time."

your jaw dropped. "mrs. barzal you didn't have to--"

she shook her head. "you deserve to be appreciated, sweetheart." then she directed her attention to ella. "isn't that right, baby?"

liana turned her attention to you. "are you going to the game tonight?"

you shook your head. "i'm going to grace's to help with last minute decorations for the team christmas party."

"are you taking ella?"

you shrugged. "i figured i'd leave that up to you. i can take her if you'd rather focus on the game and not a cranky baby.

nadia pressed kisses to ella's cheeks, enough that the little girl shrieked with laughter. "let's play it by ear, if she's cranky before the game, she can go with you, if that's alright."

you smiled and nodded.

as the day went on, ella stayed in pretty high spirits, even when mat left to head to the arena. she took a lengthy nap which gave nadia enough confidence to take her to the game. you ubered to grace's house, a secret that was meant to stay between you and liana, who saw you ordering the ride.

you arrived at grace's house five minutes before the puck dropped. in true hockey wife fashion, she had the game pulled up in the living room so you could watch while you worked. sydney's daughters were camped out in front of an ipad, watching bluey while their mom came in and out of the room with bags of groceries. grace's daughters, you were told, were already in bed.

"where's the baby?" winnie asked when she saw you.

you couldn't help yourself and laughed. "she's at the game."

"why aren't you with her?"

you smiled and squatted down to look her in the eye. "her grandparents are watching her, so i came over here to help."

winnie furrowed her brows, scrutinizing you. "but you're her mom, you're supposed to be with her. my mom is always with me."

"i'm not ella's mom, winnie. i'm her babysitter. like when your parents go out sometimes and they have a babysitter watch you? that's my job."

"then where's her mom?"

you opened and closed your mouth a few times before you realized the words just failed you. there was no way to say the truth other than plainly.

so you shrugged and said "i don't know."

sydney and grace rounded the corner and smiled when they saw you, greeting you with hugs.

"so it shouldn't take too long," grace started. "we're just adding a few decorations, sydney's gonna help me in the kitchen with prepping some of the food for christmas." her attention turned to you. "do you think you can handle the decorations around the house? it should just be the downstairs and the railings up to the second floor. nothing too extravagant."

you looked at the totes of decorations numbering in three total on the floor. "i can do that," you said.

grace smiled wide. "thank you, thank you, thank you!"

you smiled back and immediately got to work. it wouldn't take you long, the house was already pretty decorated, but grace had gone about and beyond and insisted on getting stockings for every player's family still in town, which was more than half the team. there was a table in the front entrance where you put the players' stockings and laid them out in neat rows.

on the stockings, there was the last name of the player with names below it being members of their family. marty's had sydney's, winnie's, and alice's name below his own. sorokin's just had his own name. but you hesitated when you pulled mat's out of the tote.

barzal was in big letters with ella's name underneath.

and then your own.

you blinked over and over, thinking maybe you were hallucinating.

"i hope i didn't overstep!" grace's voice startled you out of your stupor. "when mat told me you were staying in town for the holiday, i went ahead and added your name. do you know if his parents and sister are joining us?"

you shook your head. the plan was you'd be with the barzals christmas eve and christmas morning, but christmas night, when you went to the lee's house, nadia, mike, and liana would stay back. as far as you heard, anders had extended the invitation, but they declined it, not wanting to impose.

grace nodded. "okay, sounds good then!" she made a move to walk away but stopped when she saw the look on your face. you weren't quite sure what she was seeing from her perspective, but your mind was racing and your feet felt like lead. "are you okay? you seem in your head."

you shrugged. "just trying to figure things out."

"is everything okay with mat? you two seemed fine not too long ago."

and you were. but you hadn't told sydney or grace about how you slept in the same bed as mat the night you ran into your ex. and you weren't going to share that now. they'd both read into it, think things were different than they actually were.

"i just miss my family," you said.

it was clear she didn't believe you, but thankfully, grace let it go. she walked back to the kitchen while you continued to lay out the stockings.

you finished with the stockings shortly after, not sparing another glance to the one with your name on it.

it took another thirty minutes to finish the decorating before you joined grace and sydney in the kitchen. you took a seat at the bar and watched them prepare some of the dishes for christmas. it was mostly just chopping and putting things into pans and oven safe dishes.

you were halfway listening to the chatter happening between the wives when your phone buzzed.

liana told me you ubered to anders'?

mat.

you texted back, a small smile on your face. sydney was already here, i didn't have a ride otherwise.

could've asked me to drop you off.

two hours early? no thanks.

well, stay there until the game is over. i'm picking you up.

you rolled your eyes, but still couldn't keep yourself from smiling.

"what's mat saying now?" sydney asked.

"huh?" you asked, head snapping up to see two smirking blondes staring back at you.

"mat," grace said. "what did he say?"

"how did you--"

"you only smile like that with him," sydney explained. "certainly never smiled like that around your ex, the one time i saw him with you."

at the mention of jason, your stomach churned, but you kept up appearances.

you, grace, and sydney were chatting on the couches when the front door opened with matt, anders, and mat walking in. winnie, who was originally dozing off, popped up from laying on the couch to see her father standing there. she smiled and ran over to him.

anders walked in the living room and kissed his wife.

which just left you and mat, staring at each other across the room and not saying a word.

"how was the game?" sydney asked.

all three of the hockey players shrugged in unision. "fine," anders said before collapsing on the couch next to his wife. "how was your night?"

grace looked at you and sydney before smiling and turning to her husband. "i'd say it was productive and fun." you and sydney hummed in response.

matt came and sat next to his wife and a sleeping alice who was in sydney's arms. which just left an empty spot next to you and mat who was still standing in the doorway.

"barzy, you gonna come sit or stand there awkwardly?" anders chirped.

almost like he was snapped out of a daze, mat walked over and took the seat next to you, leaving about four inches between your hips and his. almost immediately, he threw his arm over the back of the couch behind your head.

you turned and looked at him for a moment, forgetting about the other people in the room. "ella with your parents?"

he nodded. "i offered to take her, but my mom insisted on putting her down."

"did you score at all tonight?"

he grinned and nodded yet again, but it was marty who cut him off.

"should've seen him! two goals, one assist."

your jaw dropped as you looked back at mat. "that's insane!" he immediately beamed at your reaction. your eye contact was broken up when his phone vibrated. mat's face twisted into a frown before he stood up and offered you a hand.

"hate to rush off, but my mom just said ella keeps crying and won't go to sleep, so we gotta go."

marty and sydney stood to their feet, each carrying a child. "we should also be heading out," matt said. anders and grace stood up a beat later, offering to walk all of you to the door.

matt and sydney exited first, with you and mat trailing behind them. mat's hand rested lightly on your lower back, something that had your knees trembling.

grace and anders hugged all of you goodbye and promised to see you in two days. they stood on the front porch and watched as all of you got into your respective cars.

mat didn't say anything until he was pulling out of the neighborhood. unlike the times before, the silence wasn't tense or awkward, it was just calm.

"did you have fun?" he asked.

"yeah, it was nice seeing them outside of hockey games and bar meet ups." you yawned.

"missed you at the game, it wasn't quite the same without you there."

"you scored twice and assisted on one goal, i'd say you did fine without me."

"could've gotten a hat trick if you were there."

you furrowed your brows, but there was a small smile playing at the edges of your lips. this felt normal, like nothing had changed, just you and mat. "how do you figure?"

he shrugged. "i always play better when you're there."

you almost did it. you almost asked him why. but you were scared of the answer, scared of what it would change.

scared that it wouldn't change a thing.

he's not gonna fall in love with you.

it was only a matter of minutes before you were back at your apartment. the two of you took the elevator to get to your floor.

you could hear ella's cries through the front door as mat hastened to unlock it. the second the door was open, every head turned towards the two of you. mat shut the door while you walked over to where liana was holding a crying ella.

ella immediately reached out for you, rubbing at her eyes when she finally settled on your hip. "sorry," you apologized to mat's family.

"what're you apologizing for, sweetheart?" nadia asked. she squeezed your arm before ushering her family to the front door. "we need to get to our hotel and get some rest. we'll see you three tomorrow."

"bye mom," mat kissed his mother's cheek and hugged liana and mike before walking them to the door and locking it behind them.

you stared at him, even as he turned around and made eye contact with you. you finally noticed a line on his forehead that you missed earlier.

you gestured to your own forehead. "you have a line right here..." you trailed off.

mat reached up a hand and felt for it before rolling his eyes. "it's from my helmet, dumbass."

you gasped and covered the one ear of ella's that wasn't pressed against your collarbone. "in front of the baby?"

"you said worse two days ago when you hit your hip on the kitchen counter."

you rolled your eyes, which seemed to be a recurring theme between the two of you that night. "i'm gonna try to take the queen to bed, wish me luck."

"i can put her down if you want," he said but you were already walking down the hallway and waving him off.

it took twenty minutes to settle ella down enough to go to sleep, and by the time you hit your mattress, you were out like a light.

day seventy-one

you woke up when the sunlight peeked through the blinds. your heart immediately shot to your throat when you realized you couldn't hear ella's sound machine through the baby monitor. the panic didn't settle when you turned over and realized it was off.

you jumped out of bed, barely remembering to throw on a sweatshirt over your tank top, and threw the door open.

you were immediately greeted with the sound of christmas music coming from the kitchen. it wasn't until you rounded the corner and saw mat making eggs with ella on his hip that you finally relaxed.

mat turned around at the sound of your heavy panicked breathing. his brows were furrowed and he moved the pan off the stove when he saw you were winded. "are you okay?"

"the monitor was off, i'm so sorry i thought i turned it on last night but i forgot--"

"i turned it off this morning," mat said. "figured you deserved a chance to sleep in."

ella smiled at seeing you and reached for you. mat didn't hesitate to walk her over, probably to make it easier to cook breakfast. you took ella and cherished the snuggles she gave you.

"when is your family coming over?"

mat tapped his phone, presumably to check the time or his texts. "fifteen minutes or so?"

you spared a glance outside. "will they be okay in the snow?"

"uh oh, mama bear's coming out," he teased. "we're literally from canada, my family will be fine."

you nodded, feeling heat crawl up your neck at the slight overreaction and concern.

the three of you sat at the table, eating the eggs and sausage mat made. normally, when you were with your family, you'd eat homemade cinnamon rolls, but maybe this year was about changing traditions and embracing them.

you picked up your phone and called your mom, waiting for her to answer. when she didn't pick up, you just shot her a quick "merry christmas" text and telling her to call you back when she gets the chance, that you couldn't wait to see her tomorrow.

by the time the three of you finished breakfast, his family was knocking at the door, greeting the three of you with an excited "merry christmas" when mat opened the door. while they got settled, you took ella out of the high chair and carried her into the living room.

you sat on the floor in front of the recliner and plopped ella in your lap while mike and nadia brought their wrapped presents in. mat and liana were the ones to pass them all out while their parents got situated on one end of the couch.

you were surprised to see some presents for you written in handwriting you knew did not belong to mat, part of you fully expecting nadia to have been bluffing two days ago.

when the presents were passed out, mat took the seat behind you in the recliner, even going as far as to let you lean against his shin for support.

"now, i don't know how you do it in your family, but in the barzal family, we going youngest to oldest, and we record everything," mike said, holding his phone up. "our sweet ella, though, is the first person to take away liana's long standing reign over opening presents first."

mat got out of the recliner, choosing to sit on the floor on your left, seemingly to help ella open her presents. you scooted back to use the recliner as back support now that mat was sitting next to you.

you heard a beep, presumably of mike's camera starting to record.

"let's open this one, ella bean," mat said to his daughter. he started ripping it at the edge, carefully placing the present in front of her and waiting to see if she did anything with it.

ella stared at it, but otherwise seemed uninterested

"look ella," you said, reaching around her and tugging the paper a little more.

she was uninterested until she heard the distinct sound of ripping. then she tried it for herself, laughing and clapping her hands when it made the noise she liked.

her first present was a puzzle made up of the letters of her name from liana. her next present was from nadia and mike, a box of playpen balls. you couldn't wait to open them, to get her settled in her playpen with them and watch her entertain herself.

mat helped her open the books everyone had bought her. he must've told his family she'd gotten into reading lately, because you weren't the only one contributing to her library.

mat's present to ella was a walker. she'd started crawling a few weeks ago, and mat was determined to get her to start walking before the end of the year.

your last present was the last one for her to open. it was just in a gift bag, and ella thoroughly enjoyed taking the tissue paper out once she got a hang of it. but nothing could've prepared you for the shriek that left her mouth when she saw the stuffed hippo.

you didn't think you'd ever seen her smile that big.

she reached for it with grabby hands, bringing it to her chest when she got it.

"guess we know her favorite gift," mat chuckled.

the rest of the morning was filled with the other presents being opened. you ended the morning with cute sweaters and a barzal jersey.

"so you can stop wearing mat's," liana had said. "figured you'd at least want something clean to wear to games."

mat had mumbled something under his breath, but when you asked him to repeat himself, he just pressed a kiss to the top of ella's head and kept his mouth shut.

when it was mat's turn to open gifts, you could feel yourself flush with embarrassment when he opened your gift. you didn't know the platonic way of saying "i got this because it would bring out your eyes," so you settled with "i thought you'd like it."

and he did, he swore it would be the tie he'd wear in the first game of the new year when you got back in town.

nadia made a wonderful christmas lunch. it was light because she knew you were going to the lee's in a matter of hours, but still better than anything mat could've cooked up.

it wasn't long before the three of you were saying your goodbyes with mike, nadia, and liana all promising to come see you soon, and to thank you for taking care of their newest addition.

just like any other time the three of you left the apartment, you carried ella while mat grabbed the diaper bag.

ella sat in her car seat, snuggling her hippo while mat drove.

"you must be pretty proud of yourself for that hippo gift," he said.

you smiled at him, reveling in the way he'd occasionally take his eyes off the road to look at you. "i am. i have an extra one in my closet just in case this one gets messed up."

his jaw dropped. "you're a fucking genius."

you weren't the last ones to get to anders' and grace's house, but you surely weren't the first. there was a line of cars parked on the street, none of which you recognized.

"are we taking the car seat inside?" you asked when mat put the car in park.

his hand paused over the door handle. "do you think we should?"

you shrugged. "we could always come back out and get it if we need it. but i'm willing to bet that she's gonna be passed around like a hot potato tonight."

mat rolled his eyes but sighed anyway. "as long as dobson doesn't hold her, it'll be fine." with that, he got out of the car and opened the back door to grab the bag.

"wait why?" you asked, getting out and unbuckling ella. "what's wrong with dobson?"

"he's like 23!"

you blinked. "am i missing something? why is that a problem?"

"he's too young to hold her, he'd do something dumb like drop her."

you rolled your eyes as you picked ella up, but said nothing.

the three of you were immediately accosted by christmas music and food smells when you walked through the front door of the lee house.

"you made it!" grace exclaimed, coming out of the living room to greet you. "grab your stocking and head to the couches, i think my husband is gonna do a toast and then we'll get started on dinner."

you nodded along and turned to look at mat who hadn't said anything. your heart dropped straight to your toes when you saw him pick up the stocking that made your mind go blank the other night. his fingers traced over his last name, then ella's name, then yours. he hesitated on yours though, fingers running over it like it was something delicate.

it felt weird to watch that moment, like you were intruding on something private, but before you could look away, he looked up at you. "did you see this?" he asked.

you nodded. "saw it the other night. are you mad?"

he quickly shook his head. "nope. just caught off guard." he glanced back down at the stocking before looking up at you and smiling. "let's get on with this, shall we?"

the night started with anders toasting to the team, but more importantly the wives and girlfriends and support behind each member who'd played a large role whether they realized it or not.

mat nudged you at that moment, which earned him an elbow in the side and a wink from anthony who stood next to him.

when they broke off for dinner, mat offered to take ella so you could get your plate first, but you declined, saying you could wait a few more minutes.

while he was gone, sydney approached. "so, how was this morning? get caught up under any mistletoe?" she nudged you. "get any sentimental gifts?"

when you thought about it, you didn't really. the gifts you got, while amazing, weren't tear jerking, which was surprising considering sydney had said mat's gift to you was thoughtful.

but what was thoughtful about a spa gift card and some bath bombs?

"nope, just the typical gifts, you know?"

sydney's face twisted a little before it righted itself when mat came back with a plate of food.

"got you what i thought you'd like," he said, handing the plate to you.

your brows furrowed. "i thought we agreed you'd eat first."

but he smirked. "no, you did."

"mathew. go eat!"

he shook his head. "not before you. now, let's trade, i'll take my child and you take the plate and go eat with sydney and the other wives if you want." mat handed the plate to sydney before taking ella and walking away before you could say anything.

you watched him walk away for a moment before turning to your friend, only to find her already looking at you. "what?"

she had a smirk for reasons you weren't sure you wanted to know about. "oh nothing."

the night continued on without much fanfare, with you and mat leaving around the same time as the martins again because of the children all three of you brought.

you'd made it back home before midnight. mat this time, wanted to put ella to bed, making sure to leave the hippo out of her crib.

you were in your room packing the last bit of your things so you could leave tomorrow and fly home. you were in the zone until you heard a throat being cleared. when you turned around, mat was leaning up against the doorway with a box in his hand.

"i know you're probably tired, but i have one last present for you."

"mat--"

"i didn't want to give it to you in front of my parents and liana, just seemed too personal." he offered no other explanation and just handed you the box.

you took it carefully, going to your bed and sitting down on the edge to open the present. when you pulled the lid off the box, you were staring at tissue paper until you pulled it away to reveal a photo album.

oh god.

it was the thoughtful present sydney had talked about.

you immediately pulled it out of the box and started flipping through it. the photos were some you'd never seen before, but they were all of you and ella. until you got further in, the photos went from just you and ella to you, mat, and ella.

you looked like a proper family.

sydney or grace must've had a hand in it, because half the photos you didn't remember being taken and they were all candids.

you could feel your eyes water, you noticed the pressure. but you kept wiping at your face to prevent them from falling onto the album itself.

you looked up at mat who looked the most unsure of himself since that first night he had ella. "i hope it wasn't over stepped, i just figured you would like to see how important you are to me, to us, me and ella." he gestured at the book. "some of the photos i took, others i got from grace and syd. i hope it's not weird or anything--"

but you were already up and crossing the room towards him.

a beat later you grabbed him by the back of the neck and pulled his lips to yours.

he responded not even a split second later, his mouth moving against yours. mat's arms came around your waist while your hands made a home in his hair.

was kissing always supposed to be this charged? to feel this right?

you had no idea how long you stood there, kissing mat, before you both pulled away to breathe. your eyes opened slowly, only to meet his hazel irises almost immediately.

and then reality hit you.

jason's words haunting you at just the right time.

he's not gonna fall in love with you. you're a no good bitch who didn't know what she had when she had it.

you pulled away instantly and stumbled back into your room, dodging mat's hold when he tried to reach out for you.

"what's going on?" he asked. "what just happened?"

you shook your head and grabbed your bag, moving past him without making contact. "this was a mistake," you said. "i have to go."

god you felt sick to your stomach.

mat was calling your name, but you kept walking, out the front door, down the stairs, and onto the street where you hailed a taxi.

it wasn't until you got in that you exhaled.

what the fuck had you done?

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[thatbuddie]

ok so bear with me here, this theory is based on nothing but vibes and dreams and delusions.

buddie is going canon in 8x12 which is also episode 118 of 911.

i still find it so interesting that they decided to make bi buck canon (i will never ever ever ever get over bi buck canon, btw) in episode 100 of the show. i know that nowadays episodes 100 of shows are not as big as they used to be (mainly because shows rarely make it to them) but they still mean something big. something big enough to warrant press and cakes and such. and what did 911 do with their 100th episode? they made it about bi buck. in a way that forever links the essence of 911 and bi buck forever. and i find that so incredibly beautiful.

it would be logical to argue that episode 8x12, which is episode number 118 of the show that revolves around station 118, has the potential to be something different and special too. i think that the best way to honor this would be by making it a mostly lighthearted team-focused episode. give me bottle episode at the station where the team receives 0 calls all shift, give me an episode from the 3rd person pov of the people that they help on calls and how they view the 118, give me a the 118 gets locked in a room silly episode, just give me something fun and heartfelt that shows the 118 as the family that they are!!! and then.... and then....

give me the first real confirmation of buddie going canon at the end of the episode. and i mean the very last scene of it.

they already connected a big episode (7x04 aka episode 100) with a very big moment that many many fans had been waiting for (bi buck). why not connect the other very core episode of the show (their 118 episode which is nothing really and yet so special of them) with the other big anticipated thing that fans have been dying for for years.

and like y'all, bi buck is important in and of itself and i hope we all know that. but bi buck is so intrinsically connected to buddie too. and i mean both in fandom and in the canon as well. like we know what subset of fandom has been reading buck as bisexual for seasons now and it's not most of the casual viewers (though i hope some did). it was the buddie fandom. and in 7x04 the way that buck's realization arc was so incredibly connected with eddie and their friendship is astounding. like i still can't believe that it went that way. and that is a deliberate choice. there were a thousand ways in which they could have done it and then said "we are putting eddie diaz, evan buckley's best friend and the guy that everyone who wants bi buck ships him with, in the center of it." so it would be very on brand for producers and writers to give us the actual buddie of it all in episode 118 which could be an episode to touch the core of the show -found family, the firefighting aspect, the hope- which at this point includes buddie as well.

now we know NOTHING about s8 right now so this is where more vibes just get added but it would also make sense that it happens in 8x12 because that it the second half of the season. i feel like s8 is gonna start a little "dark" (and i just mean sad) for the 118. gerard is gonna be ruining their lives and making everything wrong. and eddie is gonna be doing badly, y'all. of course he is. so we can use the first 8 episodes to "solve" these things. eddie can finally be in therapy again for more than his ptsd. the 118 can be fighting to get bobby buck. the bucktommy relationship can be worked towards a break up that moves buck to the next stage of where he's going. and then s8b starts. and we have a "lighter" feeling. hopefully chris is back. bobby is back. buck and eddie are single and we can see that there is something there but for now it has been things that still maybe not everyone can catch on to. so then 8x12 happens and BOOM. buck and/or eddie realize/aknowledge/voice the truth of it all: it's always been about buddie. and then we have 6 more episodes in the season to explore that!!! which is a pretty fair number, i think.

so yeah, that is my-based-on-nothing-but-i'm-now-convinced-is-happening theory for a buddie canon confirmation in 8x12 aka episode 118 of 911.

[rayshippouuchiha]

I had a gremlin thought and had to throw it at you. So we all know that JC and WWX revolved around JYL (as they should) and would 100% do what she told them to. Why had no one taken this to its logical conclusion? Let’s say it’s after another failed meeting in between JYL and her horrible fiancé she is doing the depressingly normal routine of trying to not be hurt while YZY is being horrible to WWX and JC. And she just takes a moment to breathe and wonder why them. What has she and her siblings done to suffer like this? One of the disciples comes over and offers her any help they can. This causes JYL to just have a moment of realization where she stops and tries to remember the last time anyone except those outside the sect asked the Sect leaders for anything. Because the people know that JFM is just passive at best and YZY is plain aggressive. JYL was raised to be a sect wife and basically shadow run a sect right? And let’s say she’s been doing this for years at this point. WWX basically owns the disciples and every resident of Lotus Pier. JC is Sect Heir and has every ounce of loyalty his people and siblings can give him. JYL has this vision of a sect run by the three siblings and it’s just so much better. I imagine for all that they were their mother and father JFM and YZY were very estranged from their children. It’s also basically canon that WWX hid so much of his power and skill from everyone as to not rock the boat. JYL rolls into her brothers rooms, sees the hurt that has been allowed to fester for to long and just decides it’s her turn to go feral. So now I present the idea of a coup. JYL points at the Sect and says I want it and her brothers go whole or in pieces? Now I don’t think any of the siblings is cold enough to kill JFM or YZY so I’m more leaning more towards talisman master over there creating a Jiāng version of Lan forced seclusion. Think about this would put canon in a blender and just shred it. We have Sect leader JYL, her co leader/Heir JC and their brother/Head disciple WWX. Think about WWX allowed to make the Jiāng a talisman powerhouse. Think about how a strengthened, united three person leadership which is really just JYL telling her brothers what to do and them doing it cheerfully. Everyone is validated, there isn’t constant fighting and money is rolling in from the talisman sales. The Jiāng all of a sudden are rising like someone strapped a rocket onto their ass. Let’s be honest the Lan are traditionalists who will swiftly be left in the dust by galaxy-for-a-brainWWX! Who invents like some people breathe. The Jin hold power by riches and let’s point again at our resident genius talisman master who rolls out the flags and compass. The Jiāng are getting richer by the second. The Nie are powerhouses and we have JC and WWX who are ridiculous and almost evenly matched. Lotus disciples are melee masters and going against one now makes a lot of people want to cry because Head Disciple WWX is going to drag his shidis into excellence one way or the other. JC is laughing on the sidelines because how do you think he got so powerful huh and let’s be real our angry grape loves watching people suffer. All of a sudden the Wen conquest doesn’t look to realistic anymore. Then WWX meets WN and WQ and decides to impulse adopt them and their entire branch. Then the Jiāng are now also the medical center of the Sects? Watch out Wens you’ve just lost the top spot to three teenagers two of which are really just following their beloved sisters lead. All I’m saying is JYL ruling the Cultivation World with her brothers cheerfully giving her whatever she wants while she can finally pamper them as she pleases. You want the horrible peacock? Fine buts he’s marrying in. Hey little brother you’re drooling over WQ huh? There is much mocking from single WWX towards his siblings. For awhile WWX is the only unmarried Lotus Pier sibling and boy is he hunted. Everyone is tripping over themselves to lock down the most eligible bachelor who is handsome and rich. And then WWX meets his LZ and how the tables have turned brother dear? Let’s just say the Lans are going to lose that fight before it even begins. LWJ is going to perish at their first meeting. Somehow this ends up a trend where the Jiāng end up pretty much never marrying out. Wow this got away from me but I now offer you this vision!

[twisted-wonderland-shenanigans]

Okay, either the scientist knew she was preggo or they just thought she was going through hormonal changes or whatever, there is NO WAY CROWLEY DOESNT KNOW THE HUMAN IS PREGGO.

Also, how much should I bet that Cater is just going to keep the whole world updated with every single DETAIL.

Oh, Lilia is going to have a FIELD DAY WHEN THE BABY IS BORN, same for Trein, he’s probably going to love it.

Referring to this fic snippet here:

Okay, to be fair, I forgot to mention that the events take place shortly after Yuu's arrival. Probably between chapter 2 and 3 given the timeline we have, which puts it at about...two, three weeks after the prologue and shortly after Riddle and Leona overblot.

As for the scientists/researchers, while logically speaking they would immediately jump at the chance to come to the island to start their studies, they first had to make sure these pictures circulating on Cater’s Magicam posts were legit first. Once it is established through a video or two that was posted, that's when they reach out to Crowley to make the arrangements!

And they actually arrive a week after the pregnancy announcement, so you can bet that they are very eager to get some studying done as quick as possible! 😂

As for the staff not realizing that fem!Yuu is pregnant, they are aware of what a pregnant monster's scent is like for sure. But because there hadn't been a human in centuries, even if Crowley was old enough to have been around humans, it's not like he remembers the scent off the top of his head! The staff would all essentially be like those confused cats and dogs trying to figure out what this strange bump is and why their human smells funny before instinctively feeling protective.

Can you just imagine Crowley building a nest for Yuu without realizing just *why* he was doing it in the first place? Or the blank stare he'd give the moment someone asked him like, "...why am I doing this??" and it only becomes clear shortly after the announcement, in which he tries to pretend he knew all along 😂

I'm also reminded of this one post where OP's cat had had multiple litters in the past and was so excited when OP got pregnant that the kitty kept trying to show her to the nest she made for OP's "kitten", and it was the sweetest thing I'd ever read 🥹

Anyway, you can bet your bottom madol that Cater will absolutely be keeping EVERYONE updated on Magicam throughout the whole process, and he is getting flooded with baby picture requests 🤣 It's also sweet how mothers come across the posts and try to offer advice that they'd learned on raising their kids, which is nice, though not all of the advice would really be practical based on species 😅 But at least they're sweet enough to offer that and words of encouragement! I can even see some inviting Yuu to a mother's support group meeting ;;v;;

You can also bet that Yuu will be receiving a lot of baby shower gifts and such from Cater’s followers. At least they don't have to worry about needing to buy diapers for a while! 🤣

Ooooooh yes, Lilia is going to be ecstatic to be able to hold and care for a baby again! He will offer to help watch over the little one (hadn't decided on a gender or name yet for the new baby) so Yuu can take a break, though don't worry about him trying to feed the baby his cooking. He learned and knows that milk is important for the baby, so he makes sure to have the bottles readily available even at Diasomnia~ (though Silver and the others make sure to keep an eye on him when it comes to feeding time just to be on the safe side)

Trein has already raised two daughters, and while he may not be interested in raising another, that's not to say he won't wind up spoiling the little human baby like any grandparent would! He'll also offer a shoulder for fem!Yuu to lean on and reassure her that she's doing a great job as a mother ;;v;;

[mishy-mashy]

The Resistance squatted in abandoned buildings. They were squatters.

Before I show the panels that show they used abandoned buildings, I just want to be logical about this for a moment.

It doesn't make much sense to assume these guys - looking around jump-into-university age (18-26) - could afford to make underground bunkers and metal-plated halls all across Japan, for their base. They wouldn't have the time, resources, or even support from others to make these places.

Where do they find the metal to hammer in? The posts? The knowledge of actually building tunnels or buildings from scratch without them falling apart?

Other than that, having a single stationary base (above-ground, for example), is not going to survive. All For One's supporters fight anyone who opposes him without him needing to say anything.

AFO rules Japan right now. Everyone is wary of each other. Look at how Bruce describes it as "the harshest era";

As All For One's supporters attack his opposers of their own will, and supporters don't even realize they're on his side, the Resistance has to constantly be on the move. They can't really trust anyone.

They can't have stationary bases, nor can they afford ANYTHING to make them. They would've been caught immediately trying to do a big project like that, especially if they needed supplies to do so from someone who likely works for AFO, even without knowing.

Japan was in economic and social turmoil. They can't trust the market to keep going and grocery stores to be open. Look at how Japan is with All For One and Tomura; people band together and stores are looted.

Money is obsolete. Society is divided between humans and "monsters" (Ability-users). You can't trust anyone because anyone could be his pawn. Time is running up as his control spreads everyday. Resources are being looted left and right. It's too dangerous to go outside alone. Even if you have a stun gun, what does that mean against Ability-users?

So what do they do with their limited resources? Trying to hide from the big guy? What "bases" do they have?

They hunker down in abandoned places that already exist and, again, are abandoned. No one's going to come looking for them in places that people have run from and left behind. Because these places are literally just that: places no one wants anymore.

You hide a tree in a forest. You don't make a big, special base somewhere that says "I am here!", and they don't have the resources or time to burrow underground or build that.

Hide in an abandoned building among many others. There's not many people in abandoned places, if they happen to be there at all. The Resistance isn't going to be found in the deserted buildings, but they still have to keep moving, because someone might be trailing them.

When they take Yoichi from the vault,

They're in a house. The couch is ripped, the mug is cracked, and so is the wall, with a questionable stain in the background. There are signs of fighting and abandonment, but it works.

Houses have food. Houses have clothes. Houses have beds. It's enough to sit in for a bit and heat up some water.

Not everyone packed their things and run. Some people just had to RUN. And when some places are full-on abandoned from an exodus, the Resistance is definitely gonna find some stuff there in the new "safe area".

Look below at where Kudo and Bruce hole up after Yoichi's death. No one's outside, there's a destroyed car, and there's some smoke further up the road.

The hospital/clinic room Bruce uses is ripped apart and unsanitary, but it's still the best they can do. I think that houses and a hospital would be their best bet for survival/using as a base; resources, lodging, and some sort of safety exist there. Especially in a hospital, which would have backup generators, a camera system, and even a PA system. Hospitals have to accommodate for lots of people (food, space, lodging), and have a lot of medical equipment they can use.

Basically what I'm saying is: the Resistance likely doesn't have a permanent base. They don't have the resources or enough safety to make their own. They squat in abandoned places and move constantly, because nowhere is safe, but they can't just waltz in public and declare where they are; they have to hide in plain sight while they bide their time. In the meantime, the places they use would have to be resourceful, or they're using what they have on their backs. The manga already shows them using a house and a hospital room.

[incarnadinedreams]

Spicy Probably Bad Take Unpopular Opinion Time:

While I think Jiang Cheng's reaction to the Jiang massacre and blaming Wei Wuxian was extreme and largely fueled by grief and trauma, I also think the fandom as a whole also goes too far in the other direction of calling it completely irrational and illogical. Acting as if there's no logical reason at all for Jiang Cheng to ever for one little nanosecond even consider that Wei Wuxian's behavior was a factor in their being targeted.

At the Tortoise of Slaughter cave, Wei Wuxian doesn't just defend Mianmian the same way Lan Wangji and Jin Zixuan were doing. He goes out of his way to verbally eviscerate Wen Chao in a particularly humiliating way, laughing at him the whole time, and followed that up by directly threatening his life and holding him hostage at sword-point.

It wasn't mere defiance. It wasn't merely defending people. It was funny, it was clever, it was brave and dashing and all of the things Wei Wuxian can be. It was an awesome moment - for the reader, anyway - that perfectly crystalizes all the flair and personality he had.

But there was no way someone like Wen Chao was ever, ever going to let that go.

It simply does not matter how right Wei Wuxian was. It doesn't matter how wrong Wen Chao was. The matter was never going to fade without serious retaliation. People with the sort of petty cruelty and pride of Wen Chao can tolerate nothing less than being laughed at.

Don't get me wrong, it was effective. It achieved his goals in the moment perfectly: he did save LWJ and JZX and Mianmian - by redirecting Wen Chao's anger, attention and the rage of a wounded pride onto himself. By so far eclipsing and outshining their defiance that they were nearly forgotten in the aftermath.

You can argue 'till the cows come home about the hypotheticals of what might have happened if he'd done nothing (do they all just die? does Wen Chao's plan that appears to be both cruel and stupid somehow work and only Mianmian gets the axe? seems unlikely), or perhaps if he'd merely stood with LWJ and JZX instead of wildly outshining them (do all three sects get annihilated as punishment instead of just the Jiang, making the Sunshot Campaign an impossibility?). I'm certainly not arguing that Wei Wuxian was inherently wrong for saving them, both in the specific action or in the possible outcomes.

But the truth is: Wei Wuxian did make himself a target, and even in-text he does not quite seem to realize the gravity of it, or at least avoids acknowledging it.

As Jiang Cheng slowly walked over, propping Wei WuXian up, they happened to hear the 'without any food' part of the conversation. Wei WuXian, "Jiang Cheng, there's a piece of cooked meat here. You want to eat it?"

Jiang Cheng, "Get lost! You really haven't learned your lesson, have you? Just what situation do you think we're in? You don't know how much I want to sew your lips together."

-- Ch. 53, ExR translation

This interaction pretty much sums up the entire 'evil summer camp' arc of the story. Throughout, it's been Jiang Cheng worrying about the Wens and Wei Wuxian largely dismissing the seriousness of the situation, and it continues right on through their return to Lotus Pier. (Though of course Wei Wuxian also frequently deflects from serious situations with humor in general.)

That's why when people insist that Jiang Cheng's displacement of blame to Wei Wuxian is completely, wholly, and totally irrational, and Wei Wuxian never did a single thing wrong, well... they were in a situation with no winning solutions. But Wei Wuxian did hold Wen Chao hostage at sword-point and go out of his way to humiliate him.

Which leads us to the famous Blame Wei Wuxian For Everything scene:

Holding him on the ground, Jiang Cheng continued to roar, "Why did you save Lan WangJi?! Why did you have to speak up?! How many times have I told you not to stir up trouble! Not to strike! Do you really want to play the hero so much?! Have you seen what happened when you played the hero?! Huh?! Are you happy now?!

[...]

In his heart, Jiang Cheng knew clearly that back in the cave of the Xuanwu of Slaughter at Dusk-Creek Mountain, even if Wei WuXian hadn't saved Lan WangJi, the Wen Sect would have found some reason to come over sooner or later. But he had always felt that, if the whole thing with Wei WuXian didn't happen, maybe it wouldn't have been so soon, maybe there would've been some way to turn things around.

It was this torturing thought that filled his heart with hatred and wrath. Unable to be let out, they cut up his innards.

People are certainly free to not really like 'don't be a hero' as a character's guiding philosophy, even if I personally find his approach realistic and refreshingly pragmatic. And it's exactly the amount of doubt involved, the ambiguity of it all, the endless what-ifs and maybes, that makes it so incredibly painful. What makes it tragic and compelling is that nobody is completely wrong or completely right; there are no winners here. That sometimes doing the right thing isn't enough to save you.

Anyway, all I'm saying is that I find it's not entirely illogical to feel like 'publicly humiliating and then threatening the life of tyrannical dictator's son' could in fact lead said son to hate and target them in particular, if only to accelerate the timeline. (As always, the real question is 'wtf were the adults doing this whole time, why weren't they more prepared' but that's not really the point right now.)

It almost goes without saying that Wei Wuxian was never the core problem - that was always the Wens. And even Jiang Cheng himself, in the midst of this extreme reaction, doesn't actually say they wouldn't have attacked, or that Wei Wuxian was morally wrong, or not a hero. Only that it wasn't worth it, that he didn't want to pay the price, that he'd rather people he doesn't care about die than the people he loves.

Even in this scene, as harsh as his words and actions are, his thoughts are actually a lot more nuanced than a lot of fandom seems to give him credit for. In the midst of that sort of extreme loss, I just can't blame him for feeling that way.

'Do the right thing, no matter the consequences' sounds great until losing everything and everyone you love are the consequences of someone else's right thing.

The collateral damage did not get to choose.

[vampv0id]

(Spoiler Warning for Mizumono)

I am such a fan of the Hannibal and Jack fight(s). It's so excruciating how long Hannibal remains undetected, that when he is detected, it doesn't immediately feel real. Hannibal spins such a savvy web, and makes Jack (and everyone else) believe he's this warm, selfless psychiatrist doing everything he can to help his colleagues and friends.

The little moment where they both look at each other for a few seconds before charging into the fight is so significant, Imo. It's the tension of being on the borderline. Their fight starts smack dab in the middle of Jack's past beliefs and fresh realizations. Hannibal is shedding the last bits of his cunning 'friend and psychiatrist' act. Jack is trying to remain tethered to this shocking reality to fulfill his objective of making Hannibal pay. He shifts from this previously unchanging belief that Hannibal isn't the man Will has warned, to this flabbergasted anger. You can tell that when he's looking at Hannibal he can hardly believe it. He's only coming in after Hannibal because from a logical point of view, he's seen enough evidence to know it's certainly him. But it still is so much for him to genuinely comprehend. There's that piercing tension between them. Hannibal just stares through Jack's soul for those small seconds. His eyes say "I know, and though I didn't plan it, now you know," in a very bitter way. And you just know that he's shutting down inside with shame for allowing himself into a position to be 'betrayed' by Will. He's more out of control than ever, and he has to actually wrangle for power instead of having it in the palm of his hand. His meticulousness has been taken through a coup, and for once, he has been the one blindsided. Now all the calculations and tabs he has kept have turned to dust, and he feels pummeled with the idea of lack of power.

There's so many other rushing thoughts I feel they must have been having as well. One side of Jack during the throw down must feel like he's still attacking his completely innocent colleague and friend. Hannibal is a master of puppetry. He knows every single detail to misconstrue. And this fake version of him assimilated so well. He felt so real. And the other side of Jack is probably revisiting every little interaction he had with the man, thinking about how many lies were packed into each day. He's looking back and finally clicking the motivations into the the behaviors. It must have felt like fighting two men at once. Everyone that realizes what Hannibal is has a variation of this.

Jack's looking back and thinking of all the horrible things he missed. He's ashamed. Because of how he permitted a serial killer to harm the countless victims and torture and single out Will, but even more so because he let himself be disrespected and lied to. The most dangerous serial killer in the area came into his department/his house and slyly mocked him. That's what bothers him the most (which is kind of fucked up of you, Jack,).

Hannibal was falling apart inside because of his hurt from Will's double-dealing. Will had went for the most vulnerable part of him, which was his rare trust. Hannibal is most likely so preoccupied with his heartbreak, that he was probably a little disappointed he couldn't fully relish Jack's contempt. He goes on this slaughter spree, feeling so humiliated and abandoned by Will that he needs to maim everybody, even more than usual. He flocks to this vice to numb his self-loathing, the way he always has. To convince himself he's powerful and better than everyone.

Hannibal's love for Will was a leap of faith, and therefore, to his own thinking, naivety and weakness. He feels cornered by his shame, so weak for showing the closest thing to love he someone like him can give to another human being. The bile of the vulnerability he digested is coming back up his throat, and he needs to do something to feel powerful again. So he does what he always does. Rubs salt in the people that believed him up until the point of realization's wounds. He savors his near complete mutilation of Jack, manipulates Abigail into an anticipated promise of safety as long as she does what he says, and instructs her to shove Alana out the window. And then, reduces Abigail to another victim, in front of Will after gutting him. But while he reduces everyone around him to prey, he reduces himself to an almost childish animal burning with hurt pride.

[shiftinglea]

Explanation behind “You already have your desire”

Since I started my LOA journey, I've had a healthy amount of skepticism towards the idea of already having our desires. Some part of me agreed with that and said, "Yes, I indeed have my desires" (it was my soul saying that to me). But my logical mind would be like, "No, you don’t. Look at your physical life. Do you see your desire?"

And while I knew that all LOA bloggers would tell me to believe in my imagination/4d and not my 3d, I still struggled.

Until I finally found the perfect explanation of why I should trust my 4d more than my 3d.

And I’m here to share these insights with you.

It all comes down to realizing that all outcomes, all desires you have, every single potentiality exists here in the Now. They are happening all at once. But we are not perceiving them all at once. We are experiencing a certain reality at a time depending on our actions, assumptions, thoughts, and beliefs.

I will give a good analogy that I already used in one of the asks. Imagine you are in a huge room with different objects inside. A huge skeleton of an elephant is grabbing your attention first. This is what you are perceiving. But you want to find a certain book and after some searching, you find it. The thing is, the book was always in that room, you just didn’t notice it.

The same with your desires. They are always here but you are not observing them.

At every single moment you are always choosing what reality you are perceiving depending on your thoughts and assumptions.

And when you perceive a certain outcome, you know that other possibilities are still there and are available to you. You just aren’t aware of it with your senses.

Knowing that everything you can imagine exists here in the now allows you to relax and not worry about how to get it. Because you know that it’s already here even though your physical senses don’t perceive it yet.

What you need to do is to persist in this knowing that your desire is yours even though your senses don’t show it yet. This persistence will allow your desires to “physicalise” (but not really since they have always been there you just changed your perception).

Another good analogy that can help with grasping this concept is DVD. Imagine a disk with your favorite movie on it. You have watched this movie so many times and you know the ending.

So you are not stressing when characters are going through some tough times because you know that this movie has a good ending for them.

Think of your life as an infinite library with DVDs. Each DVD has a different reality that you can perceive and be a part of. When you imagine your desire/fulfill your inner man/know that your desire is yours/affirm, etc., you are literally choosing which DVD/reality you will perceive.

So when something “bad” happens, you don’t need to stress because you know how this “movie” will end. You have already seen the outcome (imagined it and accepted that it’s yours).

Your state, thoughts, and beliefs align you with a particular ending of each movie/outcome of reality. That’s why it’s recommended to think as if and to embody the state of having your desire because it aligns you with a reality where you are a person with your desires.

So disregard your senses and don’t allow them to tell you whether you have your desires or not. You always do. You just need to switch your perspective and see that it has always been there 🙏❤️

[justi-faiz]

"Justice For Kaixa" is the rawest depiction of trauma in Tokusatsu History.

Hello, I am Wil Justifaiz and this is my first ever attempt at structuring something for Tumblr so please be patient with me. Faiz has been my favourite show in all Tokusatsu, maybe my favourite piece of television ever, despite is very notable flaws. The story of finding your place in a world that refuses to accept you and will villainize you, that will treat you like a monster no matter what you do, the story of overcoming trauma that Faiz represents really speaks to me.

Every single character in Faiz is a victim of severe trauma that shapes their story throughout the entire show but none of them manages to foil and progress the show in the way that Masato Kusaka does. In my completely honest opinion, Kamen Rider Kaixa is the best anti hero the franchise has ever seen and no other character has ever managed to even remotely capture the complexity of his character. A complexity that is on full display in his focus episode, Episode 37: Justice for Kaixa

//SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRETY OF KAMEN RIDER FAIZ!!!

Justice for Kaixa takes place shortly after Takumi's secret identity as an Orphnoch is revealed to the rest of cast, an event that fundamentally shakes up the dynamics of the tightly knit friend group that Faiz is known for. The episodes prior to this primarily focus on how this impacts Takumi's relationships with Mari, Keitaro and Yuji as they all struggle to truly adjust to this change. However prior to this episode, there is very little exploration of what Kusaka, Takumi's biggest detractor and the primary hater of Orphnoch's, thinks beyond it just being a justification for his hatred. This is addressed directly in this episode as Justice for Kaixa serves as an explanation and an elaboration of WHY kusaka is the way he is, why he has all those unexplained quirks and why he tends to get defensive and begins to gaslight people whenever he feels like his control over a situation is questioned.

During the following conversation with Kiba, Kusaka accidentally slips up when talking about Takumi, his hatred of Orphnoch distracting him from the possibility that Mari and Keitaro could take offense from that. This is unusual of the always reserved and calculated Kusaka who tries to always appeal to Mari and Keitaro in order to sustain a social control over them, something which shows to us as the audience just how deep Kusaka's hatred of the Orphnoch goes. But why...

Kusaka during the rest of the scene tries to reassert his dominance over the discussion by comparing Takumi to Sawada, even if his point is very much false, something he may or may not be aware of (depends on how you interpret his view on orphnochs, he could genuinely mean this, I am not sure), however Kusaka's logical stance and well worded points that directly draw from Mari's personal struggles is exactly what Kusaka thrives on. The reason he gets away with everything he does in the show is because he can CONSISTENTLY make a good case for himself and KNOWS how to justify his place there depending on who he is talking to. This is Kusaka's strong point, the core of Faiz's drama and THE MOST IMPORTANT DETAIL OF KUSAKA'S CHARACTER THAT SO MANY PEOPLE GET WRONG, Kusaka's need to be in control of everything in his life is the DIRECT RESULT of his trauma and it's what shapes him into the toxic and controlling piece of shit that he is. (and why I really like his writing 98% of the time.) Kusaka, as well worded as his points were, slowly comes to realize that, he didn't succeed in persuading Mari that Takumi needs to die. This is the set up to what I believe to be the best depiction of trauma induced panic attack that I've ever seen in a piece of media. Mari calling Takumi even if Kusaka's told her to stay away is what makes Kusaka realize he is losing control over the situation, a situation which hits VERY CLOSE to the most traumatic moment of his life.

The next shot we see of Kusaka is him aggressively cleaning his hand, a trait that he has displayed ever since his debut, as he mumbles in frustration as to why Mari can trust an Orphnoch so willingly, the very thing that got them all killed all these years ago. Kusaka is very much aware that Mari has no recollection of the event but the irony of it all, how she shows such unconditional love to the very thing he has been trying to protect them from just sets something off in him. Along with that Kusaka begins to feel frustrated that all his efforts to impress Mari, the only person Kusaka seems to have any real feelings of affection for, the only person who Kusaka is willingly to do anything for and the only one who he desires affection from, is seemingly betraying all his efforts without even acknowledging ANY of them. This is the part of the essay where I need to point out, Kusaka's entitlement to Mari's affection is OBVIOUSLY a toxic trait that is very much KUSAKA'S FAULT, just because I will rationalize WHY he has this tendency doesn't mean that Kusaka is JUSTIFIED in any of this. Kusaka's mommy issues and desire for Mari's affection often times has Kusaka disregard Mari's feelings for the sake of comforting himself. Kusaka isn't exactly an incel like Micchy gaim but his unhealthy obsession with Mari is very much a fundamental character flaw.

This is where it happens, one of my favourite scenes in the entire genre, Kusaka PTSD triggers as we finally receive the pay off to his little hand washing quirk as the blood of that night is covering his hand. Seeing this scene for the first time gave me chills, everything about the way things unfold, the score setting in the panic, the build up to it, the eventual "jumpscare", the incredible directing work and of course the highlight that makes it all work together so nicely, the sheer horror in Kusaka's face, an absolutely phenomenal performance by Kohei Murakami that manages to PERFECTLY portray just how scary this hallucination is to Kusaka, just how desperate he is to suppress that night from his brain. All of it is simply brilliant. The show does not try to soften or stylize or shyly draw an allegory to it, Kusaka's panic attack is raw, it's scary and it's very real. They did not shy away from showing just how helpless the all powerful and calculated Kusaka becomes during these episodes, being "reduced" to a screaming and panicked mess, lashing out at his surroundings as he smashes anything his way in this panicked state, trying everything in his power to convince himself that this night never took place.

The scene is chaotic, Kusaka violently trying to scrape the blood of his hand but no matter how hard he scrubs it the blood just won't come off, he fidgets he tries to look away, his breathing becomes heavy and erratic, the sharp violin and the thuds keeping you at the edge of your seat as we see this character who has always been in control breaking down as all his efforts accomplish nothing. No matter what he does, nothing will ever scrape off the warm, crimson blood from his hands and that is terrifying. It's a constant reminder that no matter what Kusaka attempts he will never EVER be able to overcome this event, he will never be able to clean off that blood from his hands. This scene explains EVERYTHING about why and how Kusaka is the way he is, this moment of sheer panic ends as abruptly as it started but it's message is still clear, the blood is something only Kusaka can see, a trauma he can't clean off, even if it's not visibly there anymore, his hand will never be rid of the blood it touched that night, Kusaka will NEVER be able to get rid of what happened to him that night. That's what makes Kusaka's character so tragic, that no matter what he does, he will never find peace.

Even if his hand is clean, Kusaka has been so shaken up by this very moment that he is still manic and unable to compose himself no matter how hard his tries as his panic attack continues. Kusaka looks disgusted and completely shaken up during this entire sequence as he gets up and begins to just smash shit up before he spots the only other thing in existence that acknowledges that he was there that night, the poster with his name written on it. Nothing and no one else in the entire world knows what happened but that poster, the only thing that forces his to acknowledge that night AND THUS if he destroys it, then nothing else can force him to acknowledge that night. The way Kusaka drops on the floor as he desperately tries to erase his name from the poster with a box character almost makes you feel bad for him because he isn't angry, he is desperate and that's what makes it feel so sad. Kusaka is reduced to a complete mess that is completely alien from his usual self because of how debilitatingly traumatic this memory is for him.

The roughness of how he gets to cutting up the poster is pure directing brilliance that is exclusive to it's time, the very wide shots that make Kusaka look small, the way Kusaka can't even compose himself to place it on the table, throwing everything around in his attempts to place it on the table, the messy and very rough attempt to tear out his name. All of it is genuine scary and sad to watch.

Mari catching him during this episode is another great choice to really add onto just how hard it is for Kusaka to control himself during one of these episodes, Mari confronting him as he fails to properly compose himself for long leads to one of the only moments where Kusaka gets violent with anyone that isn't an orphnoch, Takumi or Yuji as his composed and friendly facade COMPLETELY dissipates when confront with his trauma. Not even Mari, the most important person in his life is safe from this need to repress that memory at all costs. This shows Kusaka's need for control in full display because it provides us with the reason, Kusaka losing control of a situation reminds him all too much of that day where he was too helpless to save Mari or himself. Kusaka's need for control is a self defense mechanism, that night left him incapable of ever being vulnerable again whether its socially or physically, Kusaka is a character which every bit of his backstory serves as a reminder to the audience that this is a man who has gone through INDESCRIBABLE trauma without ever receiving any professional help to mend his broken psyche. This is why I find myself able to like Kusaka's character because, even if his actions are unforgivable they are all very rational once you understand who he is and why he is like this. Kusaka is an asshole who was forged through trauma. A narrative that often gets overlooked in recent media is how not every traumatized character is innocent and soft and just needed a big ol' hug to become a good guy. Don't get me wrong, I love characters like that too but Kusaka portrays a really ugly truth that genuinely makes me question why he is such a rarity. He is a traumatized person that never got the help he should have received, he never resolved his traumas and if I may mention a previous episode, his only guidance in life, his adoptive father enable and directly leads him into his path of self destruction, a topic I could and probably will go on about in my inevitable Kusaka deep dive, however the core of this message is how Kusaka is a bad person because he never resolved the issues he had, he never got the help he needed and he has never felt safe since that day, his entire life is a series of unfortunate events. A lot of people forget that Kusaka is an orphan as well, the reason he cares for Mari so much is because she provided him with the protection that he was looking for from his deceased(or maybe she just left him) mother.

Kusaka is what happens when a traumatized person never finds a way to healthily resolve his problems, that gets encouraged to indulge in his darkest thoughts in order to feel safe. This is what makes him such a perfect foil and anti hero. Takumi is also traumatized and yet, while takumi resolves his issues by finding people that will unconditionally love him and bonding with others like him while Kusaka isolates himself further and tries to find a way to be above others so he doesn't get hurt.

This is also why I get so pissed when people call Kusaka a villain, he is very much not that. A big part of kusaka's appeal to me atleast is how he is an anti hero because, much like you and me, he is a normal human. He isn't some sort super villain, he consistently fights for a just(on paper) cause, he is a hero who is a bad person. That's what makes him so unique. He is a bad person that isn't evil.

I'm running out of images so I won't go into as much detail about the rest of the episode + this is what I wanted to talk about mostly but yes, Mari telling Kusaka that Takumi could be the orphnoch that ruined his life is a vital piece of information that in his mind justifies all his hatred against Takumi but in order to assure this theory he needs to calm down, this is where we see Kusaka slip back into his usual persona to ease Mari into sharing the information he needs.

The drama sparked from this episode is just phenomenal and the character work it does for Kusaka is equally as good, I do heavily suggest to people that feel like they still don't fully understand Kusaka to take a look into his 2 character songs, Existence~KAIXA-nized Dice and Red Rock. Both of these songs delve deep into Kusaka's ideology, Existence explores his belief that only he knows the reality of the world, that only he can change fate for he is the only one who is truly "aware". To simplify it, Kusaka sees himself as the main character and everyone else is an npc he has to befriend or take down, that only he knows what's best. Meanwhile Red Rock explores Kusaka's need to be the victor in the end along with the previously stated inability to be vulnerable around others, in a world where people can betray you, Kusaka finds it impossible to confide in anyone for he may be caught of guard and be hurt once again by it. Kusaka wants his peace and does not trust ANYONE to help him with it. So until he wins, he will keep on fighting, he will fight until he has full control over fate itself. That's what makes Takumi such a good foil for him, because Takumi questions said authority while displaying no real drive of his own. It's a fight between the most driven and determined man who is set on revenge vs a man who has no ambition beyond maybe seeing tomorrow. Their rivalry is peak.

The reveal of the blood not being shed by Kusaka and instead being Mari's blood that Takumi supposedly shed is just a great touch, it recontextualizes Kusaka's protectiveness of Mari during the events of faiz while being a genuinely shocking and REALLY well shot scene.

The episode ends in Kusaka trying to resolve his problems by avenging mari's life along with his. In his mind executing Takumi is the only way he can find peace as he prepares to kill him, only held back by Yuji's attempt to rescue Takumi.

This episode is quite honestly one of my favourites in all tokusatsu and what makes Kusaka go from just an asshole that brings forth REALLY GOOD drama, to a tragic, three dimensional character who I can understand and empathize with while rooting against him at every turn. He is truly the most nuanced anti hero in the franchise and there will never be a character like him. I'm so glad that Kohei Murakami thinks so too, often referencing his role as Kaixa and celebrating KAIXA-day every September. He is a one of a kinda character that I genuinely think people should genuinely take another look at and try to see more to him that just how much of a dislikeable asshole he can be. How kaixa's belief that he determines fate is the grave act of hubris which leads to his eventual demise... Thank you all for reading! Faiz is my favourite piece of tokusatsu to ever come out of Toei and it means a great deal to me. I only now realized I never took a deep dive of it before so I thought I should give it a go by analyzing one of my favourite episodes. If you liked it please let me know, I really appreciate all the support! Also kusaka in my mind is 19 and no ancient site from 2003 can convince me that he is actually 21, that's stupid and weird. THANK YOU, BYEEEE!!!!!

[the-fluff-piece]

hi !! could you do 20 - sexy - smoker !! i love him and never see enough of him :,)

Hello Anon,

I have to agree, we never see enough of him! And he is trying so hard with letting his tits hang out and being grumpy.

I hope this story is close to what you meant - unless you meant that you meet your ex together with Smoker,(I realize some prompts are not clear) in which case you can just write another request, I have ideas for that, too!

I know I am taking forever for the Event but I swear I will write every single story 🤩 eventually.

This is part of the milestone Follower event

Also check out my masterlist

Here's

I forgot I missed you

You're part of the Marine and serve in a different company than Smoker. Your relationship with him was short, bur surely memorable. Eventually, you ended it because he was so busy hunting the straw hat.

Now you're one big marine conference - and run into him!

Fuck, it's my ex - and he's smoking hot

Sometimes, a break up is the absolute logical thing to do - and you did it. You just couldn't remember why right at this moment. Smoker had you pinned underneath him on the couch of your hotel room, his mouth was greedily kissing your neck, sucking and licking at your skin as he moaned. His gloved hands were holding you, as if he could make you his again by keeping you in his arms. Doubt has taken you over as soon as his gaze fixated on you and demanded an answer.

You met again, the first time after the break up, on a marine conference on a beautiful island. Both you and him had to sit by the debates - and his eyes had devoured you the whole day.

When you went back to your room, he was behind you. You didn't mind, he would never hurt you, not even if he felt betrayed. You had hoped you could talk about everything, get some closure, but all he wanted to know was if you had a new guy. It had only taken a drink and Smoker's initiative to turn you into the panting puddle of goo that couldn't even remember her own name anymore.

There hasn't been anyone else - who could measure up to this man? Even now, looking down on his handsome face as his mouth was caressing your collarbone, you couldn't believe anyone could make you feel like this. His body was pressing down heavily on you and his deep grunts echoed in the small room.

"Why?" He asked again, propping himself up on one hand. Your mind could hardly process the question as he took your hand in his and began kissing it. "Missed you so much" He whispered into your palm. "It hurt so much" the obvious pain in his voice made you flinch and sucked you back into the moment.

"I missed you, too." You answered.

"Than why" his brown eyes looked at you, searching for a clue.

"I missed you all the time..." You told him, "even when we were a couple. You were always out, hunting. Always away. I never saw you. I was so tired of waiting." Your voice broke as you saw the shame in his eyes.

"I brought this over myself, didn't I." He conceded and kissed your forehead. "I just..I have my duties!" He tried to defended himself, knowing well that he hunted pirates with an obsession no one had ordered.

Enough talk, he would make this night count, somehow get you back.

"Just...one last time" He asked.

"One last time" You told him, knowing that both of you would never be satisfied. In that moment, you couldn't care less as he began to remind you again why you had agreed to a long distsnce, secret relstionship with a high-ranking officer. He was so controlled when he was the marine soldier Smoker, but when he was alone with you, he turned soft, hungry for your love and attention.

His longing was obvious in every touch and every word. It hurt you, too, that he'd be gone again, hunting pirates and saving the world, as soon as this conference was over.

The chaos of love, desire and longing turned to sadness the next morning when you watched him get ready for the day. It would be the last time you saw his muscular back as he got dressed, the last time to see him style his hair in the mirror. When he brushed his silver hair to the side he caught your gaze in the reflection and smiled at you.

"Don't look so upset" He told you kindly.

"Aren't you at least a bit sad? The conference ends today. Tonight we'll be on ships to opposite sides of the world." You answered, indeed upset at how relaxed he seemed. Did he overstate his feelings yesterday?

"Have faith" He said mysteriously as he threw on his jacket. He sat down next to you on the bed and removed his glove to touch your cheek with his fingertips and kiss you goodbye.

Faith in what? You wanted to ask him, but when he was this secretive from the beginning, he wouldn't talk.

You could barely hold yourself upright as you sat there, listening to the slow torture that was Kizaru's speech, fighting exhaustion. You barely slept. You could think of little else than how Smoker held you in his arms and told you he'd never let you go again.

Finally, after what felt like an endless day, the conference ended, everyone was flocking to their ships, ready to get home. You didn't even catch a glimpse of Smoker's white coat when all the officers made their way to their ships. Eventually, you also moved towards the docks were transport back to the east blue waited, when admiral Kizaru called you into his temporary Office.

He was a strange man who could supposedly kick with the speed of light - but talked like a snail on sleeping pills.

"Ah, Ms y/n, sit down, I have new orders for you. You are getting transfered" his mouth chewed out the words as if he had to think about every one of them very carefully.

"Sir?" You asked, confused. Why a transfer?

"Dear Ms, I am not sure what you did...." He sucked in air ridiculously slowly "but it was requested that you join..." He paused like a moderator reading the winner from a card, "the grand line's G-5." He ended and folded his hands.

"You're to report at dock 12 in 30 minutes. Dismissed." He turned back to his paperwork, signalling that you are to leave now.

Saluting, you left the room. The stress of having to talk to one of those admirals and on top to one who's speech pattern can only be described as nerve wrecking was driving your blood pressure up, making your ears ring.

You're getting transferred...to G-5?

As ordered, you sought out dock 12, where a ship of ragged looking men was waiting. They were wearing their uniforms far away from any regulation you knew and were infamous for their cruelty and bad behavior. It was strange to see a pink coat among them - Captain Tashigi was trying, and failing, to get them to load the ship according to standard procedure.

"No, not there! Don't throw that!" Her meek voice could not be heard among the general chatter and you only understood her as you got closer.

"Captain?" You made your presence known.

"Ah! Y/n!" She blushed and lost her composure entirely. She didn't work well with the knowledge about your connection to her direct superior and mentor.

"You uhm you came to see Smoker?" She asked, looking everywhere but in your eyes.

"Not exactly..." You tell as you hand her the slip with your new orders.

Her eyes went wide.

"Ah, our newest addition!" Smoker's booming voice could be heard clearly through the cacophony of screaming soldiers.

"Y/n will support our efforts with her skills" He informed an absolutely dysfunctional Tashigi.

"I trust that we will work well together" He announced in the most official tone - that was only betrayed by his wide, happy grin. A sight his men probably didn't see often, a few creates fell as they stared and tried to make sense of it all.

"Get back to work you lazy idiots!" He bellowed, immediately getting them under control.

"Let's get to marine base G-5, your new home" He said and and turned around, leading you up the ramp to the deck.

So I hope you liked it!

I am always happy about comments and likes and reblogs, they keep me motivated

[darklordazalin]

Azalin Reviews: Darklord Saidra d'Honaire

Domain: Dementlieu Domain Formation: Not specified (707 BC old sources) Power level:💀💀💀 ⚫⚫ Sources: Van Ricthen’s Guide to Ravenloft (5e)

I wrote of the original Darklord of Dementliue, Dominic d'Honaire last week. In the good doctor’s latest guide, the Domain of Dementlieu has maintained it’s love of decadence masking the truth with virtually every citizen maintaining the lie that they are more than they appear to be. Saidra D’Honaire, the new Darklord, being the grand duchess of delusion.

Saidra grew up on a small farm with her father who claimed he was exiled from his rightful place as a Duke by his younger brother. Saidra threw herself fully into this fancy. She bullied other children into entertaining her, declaring it her right because of her “superior” birth. These children must have been of a timid nature to put of with that nonsense.

Saidra’s father remarried a successful merchant who already had two daughters of her own. This new found family scorned Saidra and her fantasies and treated her like a servant despite the family’s wealth. Saidra’s father must have been absent or dense or both as he did nothing about this.

When a nearby Duke died and when she asked if it was her father’s wicked brother, her father finally told her the truth. He was the Duke’s servant and fled after he was caught trying to steal from him. Saidra was unable to face reality and prayed over her mother’s grave for guidance. What she got was a grandmother type appearing seemingly out of nowhere who granted her jewels and attire so she could attend the masquerade ball for the new Duke’s coronation.

It is never wise to accept magical gifts from unknown individuals. I think all of us Darklords can agree that they rarely give such things for free and typically have a malevolent purpose. Though, from the start, Saidra did not hold much to logic and realism, so it is no surprise that she accepted these gifts without question.

At the ball the glamour that surrounded her captured the Duke’s attentions and Saidra’s original plan of murdering him to claim what was hers was quickly replaced with the idea of marrying him. I’m curious to hear how she planned on murdering him in front of an entire ballroom of people and claiming his title without complaint seeing as she only brought a single blade with her…

None of these vague plans mattered in the end, because at midnight a plague overtook the guests and killed them all. As some do upon their inevitable deaths (trust me, I’ve seen it enough to know), the Duke confessed that the true Duke had no legitimate children and he was actually the son of a common servant who fled the household after an attempted theft. Realizing that this man she had contemplated marrying moments ago was not an actual Duke and was her brother, disgusted Saidra so she killed him with her blade before the plague did.

I would guess that this plague was part of Saidra’s untold deal with the “grandmotherly” figure who granted her “wish” earlier that evening. The plague claimed Saidra as well and when she awoke she was an undead wraith bound to the Domain of Dementlieu.

She is now the Duchess she always dreamed of being, but in her undead condition, cannot enjoy many of the decadence and delicacies that title grants her. To blend in with mortal society, she must wear a mask, which resulted in her hosting a masquerade ball once every 7 days. There she delights in unmasking those she deems unworthy or trying to disguise themselves as being above their alloted station all the while fearing her own exposure.

When not holding her little, pointless parties, Saidra stalks the streets as a wraith cloaked in a crimson shadow. Her people refer to this form of hers as the Red Death.

Saidra is a regular wraith in an elaborate mask who can occasionally cast one power spell (Disintegration) at pretenders. A woman forever clinging to a fantasy when the life on a farm is just as noble if not more so in many cases. The fact that she kills her subjects regularly at her parties without consequence (yet anyway), indicates she has sufficient control over her people. Still, a brave group of individuals could easily confront and expose her and I would wager that none of her subjects would interfere.

[lovebeinaprincessworld]

Challenging fate (Tom Riddle x reader)

soulmate!au

Chapter 7

Masterlist

Parts: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Epilogue

Description: There were a lot of unexpected things happening the day of the Battle of Hogwarts. Being send back into the past to change the course of history was definitely one of them.

2106 words

And of course Dumbledore was right. As soon as you stepped around the corner a few corridors away from his office, you stood infront of Tom. Simultaneously you wondered if this was even Tom anymore. His expression was hard and serious and you had no idea what he was thinking. “Where the hell were you?”, he asked with a deathly calm voice and gripped your upper arms tightly.

This was way scarier than if he would’ve yelled. The lack of an answer seemingly made him even more angry and his grip on you tightened to the point it was starting to hurt and you were sure you’d have bruises. “Tom stop, you’re hurting me”, you whispered, averting your eyes getting anxious at the thought of being face to face with the monster he could become.

His grip immediately loosened and you could feel his posture sagging a little. “I’m sorry I…I didn’t mean to I was just so worried, you were gone for over a day!”, he exclaimed his stoic mask falling and a worried tone finding its way into his voice. Not answering again, you gave into your urge and pulled him into your arms, your natural instinct telling you to comfort your soulmate.

No matter what was written on that note, you still loved him. And maybe Dumbledore was right and there was a logical explanation for everything. Please, just please let there be an explanation, you thought. Without noticing, your tears were wetting his sweater and he pulled away slightly. “Please, tell me what happened?”, he asked again, but this time he sounded way more caring than before.

You took a deep breath and pulled yourself together. Now was the moment, you had to tell him now. Wiping your tears away you became aware again that you were still in the middle of the hallway. “Come on, I’ll tell you everything”, you had to swallow down more tears and guided Tom to the Room of Requirements.

Tom was looking at you slightly shocked when he realized what you were doing, walking up and down infront of the wall. Of course he knew about the room, why did you ever think he didn’t. “You know-“, he started when you stepped into the cozy small library with comfortable couches and armchairs you summoned. “I’ll explain later”, you cut him off, which you could tell he didn’t like, because an unhappy frown made its way into his face.

“Sit sown?”, you asked after you sat down yourself on a couch and he was still standing there rigidly. Slowly he made his way over and sat next to you. “Okay, I have to tell you something”, you sighed slightly overwhelmed. “I honestly don’t know where to start and everything I tell you will also sound absolutely crazy, so please let me finish okay?”, you looked at him pleadingly and after a few seconds he just nodded with a guarded look in his eyes.

“First of all I want you to know that I love you Tom, I really do”, you wanted to make sure he knew you had been honest about your feelings. He just stared at you willing you to continue but it still hurt a little that he didn’t say it back. You could understand him though, considering you’ve been gone a whole day and now are taking him here and were behaving so strange.

“Okay so, I’m gonna give you a quick idea of what happened, but the easiest way for you to believe me and really understand every single thing, is for you to…use Legilimency when I’m done”, you told him this first so he wouldn’t run for the hills when you told him you’re from the future.

“How do you know I can-“, he started shocked, but you cut him off again. “You’ll see”, you smiled a little, “just promise me you will?” “I don’t know (Y/N), it would not feel right to invade your privacy like that”, he visibly had his doubts which gave you hope again that not everything was lost. “I understand and I love you for being so considerate, but I need you to promise me you’ll do it?”, you emphasized the importance of this, taking his hands into yours and he let you.

Staring into your eyes for a moment he nodded and you continued. “This may sound crazy, but to get to the point, Tom I’m…from the future”, you finally said it out loud, feeling immediately relieved but also anxious. His face looked at you disbelievingly, but he stayed silent so you continued. “More precisely I’m from 1998 and I was sent back in time by Professor Dumbledore. This is really hard to say out loud, because we’ve been together for a year already and I feel like you’re not that person, but…in the future nobody knows you under the name Tom Riddle anymore.”, you had to take a short break willing back the lump in your throat, Tom’s face looked like it turned into stone the entire time.

“Everyone just calls you Lord Voldemort, He who must not be named or you know who”, you told him and the Name Voldemort broke him out of his trance. “How do you know-“, he had a slightly panicked look on his face (as far as Tom could look panicked), but again you cut him off. “I told you I’m from the future”, you gave him a sad smile, “anyway, the point is I’m here because Dumbledore found out I am your soulmate and thought that maybe if we met I would be able to prevent all the horrible crimes you…you would be committing in the future.”

Following your full confession a long heavy silence ensued and you both didn’t move. “Why are you telling me all of this now?”, Tom broke the silence with a cold voice letting go of your hands and your chest was hurting slightly, scared of what might come. You hurried to pull out the note out of your pocket and handed it to him. He didn’t seem to recognize it at first but when he read the word on it his icy mask cracked again.

“This fell out of your pockets when you hurried off to meet your followers yesterday”, you whispered, the word followers slipping out and his head snapped up probably wondering how much you knew. “That’s why I was gone, I spent the night in here because I didn’t know…”, you let the rest of the sentence hang in the air, your voice chocking up at the uncertainty of your future together.

At the sight of the tears welling up in your eyes Tom seemed to feel forced to say something, but his mouth only opened and closed a few times, not knowing what to say to all of this. “I…I want to show you the future you will face if you really go through with everything Tom, a future without me, because I won’t be by your side if you choose this path”, you quietly said, pointing to the piece of paper still in his hands.

At the mention of a future without you he looked uneasy but tried to hide this from you. “Show me”, he said and looked up again into your eyes. You just nodded and kept your eyes locked on his, concentrating on opening your mind to make this easier, and quicker than you thought you felt his presence in your mind. You saw him look through everything from your childhood to finding out you were a witch like your sister, going to Hogwarts and meeting Harry and Ron and Susan and all your other friends. It didn’t feel unpleasant though, it felt intimate and soft.

Finally he arrived at the point where Voldemort started to rise again and saw himself in he ministry fighting against Harry. He went through all the things you learned about his past and the Horcruxes and he saw the horrible year under Umbridge and the day of Dumbledore’s death when the Deatheaters attacked. At last he saw you fight in the Battle of Hogwarts, narrowly avoiding unforgivable curses left and right and then he saw himself again, more clearly this time.

Laughing about the death of Harry and you being pulled away from the scene. He even looked into your life with him a little, maybe to make sure you were indeed not lying about loving him. Just as suddenly as this started, it ended again and the room came back into focus. Tom was panting, gripping the couch so hard his knuckles turned white.

His pupils were blown wide and he looked so vulnerable you were pushing down the urge to pull him into you, wanting to wait how this turned out. “That…that thing was me?”, he said after calming his breathing a little, sounding thoroughly shocked. “Yes”, you whispered looking at him uncertainly.

A long silence followed, Tom deeply in thought and you were waiting for something - anything - to leave his mouth. “The note wasn’t from this year, I looked them up some time last October and forgot it was in my coat pocket”, he finally said meeting your eyes. You were relieved about this confession. “Does that…does that mean you’re not planning anything like that?”, you looked at him hopefully and he took your hands again. “No. I was not planning anything like that since Christmas last year and nothing I just saw changed my mind. And before you ask, when I meet with my friends, believe me they are not my followers - anymore at least - we do not plan to take over the world”, he told you and you were so incredibly relieved about him saying that, that you couldn’t hold back anymore, and as if reading your mind, he pulled you into his arms.

A few silent tears trickled down your cheeks again but you pulled yourself together before he pulled back a little. “But…what about being immortal Tom? I know how much effort you were planning to put into that”, you silently asked and he took your chin between his fingers. “I would rather spent one lifetime with you than hundreds without you”, he whispered and a small genuine smile made its way onto his face, “and as you may have noticed already, I do not think the way I did about muggleborns anymore either, thanks to you.” You couldn’t help but smile too, and he closed the distance between you two, pressing his lips to yours softly.

“I think you did change me after all”, he chuckled after pulling back a bit, but instead of answering you pulled him right back.

You knew you still had to talk to him about going back to the future, and again (may it be because of the soulmate bound or not) he seemed to know exactly what was weighing on your mind. “Don’t you want to ask me something?”, his face held a small smirk. You knew that he saw the decision he had to make in your mind and having no idea what he thought about it, you were rather reluctant to ask him to make it.

“Would you…would you come back to the future with me?”, you decided to overcome the fear and get it over with. He smiled at you and answered right away. “I will go with you”, he whispered softly laying his forehead against yours. To say you were shocked would be an understatement, but knowing you wouldn’t answer him right away he just kissed you gently, making you lean into him.

“Tom are you sure? I just…can’t believe you’re leaving it all behind just like that”, you said doubtfully, though still happy that he wanted to come with you. “I’m not leaving everything behind ‘just like that’”, he told you, “I’m choosing a future with you, a happy one as I dare to hope and not the miserable one that would have awaited me without you. I can not believe I am saying that, but I am really grateful to Dumbledore for sending you to me.”

“And regarding your point that I am leaving everything behind, what is there to leave? The people I associate with in my house? Or my muggle father and the damned orphanage?”, he asked me seriously and I realized that maybe, if there is nothing good in your life, it’s easy to slip down a dark path.

“Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be. And maybe it will give you some sense of closure. But you should probably think about if there are things you want to do before we go back”, you added, slowly stroking his cheek making him lean into your hand. “I will, we can talk to Dumbledore later. But for now, can we just stay here for a while?”, he asked and you nodded with a smile, relaxing into his arms, incredibly glad that it did turn out this way.

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Only one chapter and the epilogue left I feel kinda sad :( anyway hope you enjoyed!!

@darkenwolfie @salleun @dannalikestoread

[oddeyes588]

Uh oh it's a little late but guess who's posting about Oshi no Ko again, courtesy of chapter 147~

I have no goddamn clue what Aka is cooking.

As if ANYBODY knows what Aka is cooking LMAO. At this point we're all just here going along for the ride, regardless of where it ends up. At the very least, I'm stubbornly keeping my faith in him... and also theorycrafting. That's what this post is. Buckle up, folks. Spoilers below... here are my thoughts and speculations on the latest chapter.

In any case, starting with the first part of the chapter, featuring Kamiki. Honestly? I kind of doubt that Ruby didn't recognize him. It's not even a case of anime sameface, if Akane could recognize the uncanny resemblance, then so should Ruby... especially considering her current feelings for Aqua (lmao).

Which does beg the question... being that if she DID recognize him and her romantic feelings for Gorou haven't dumbed her down (which is the worst case scenario), why would she talk with him like this? Well, it's made clear by Ruby herself... she isn't sure.

Thanks to Aqua, she's abandoned the path of revenge, entrusting it all to him (without knowing just how badly he's doing mentally as a result). She's "poured out" her hatred so that she can move on, so that she can pursue the dream she's held in her heart throughout both her past life and her current life. To be an idol, to shine even brighter than Ai, one of the "stars" that kept her going when she was Sarina.

She's also learned, through acting for this movie, the unfortunate truth that nothing in this world is as simple as black and white. Hikaru Kamiki, her father, the one who killed Ai... he was never as simple as a malicious and unforgivable villain. He's a boy who has gone through severe hardships that sent him down the path to being the broken individual he is today.

But that doesn't mean she can forgive him. No matter where he came from or why he did it, the fact remains that he took Ai from them. She wants to pour out her hate, but that feeling stubbornly remains. Thus, she's at a dilemma. Is it right for her to continue hating him? Can she really move on if she does?

I think that's why she talks to him, why she tells him all this, while acting like he's just a stranger. In interacting with him directly, she hopes to receive an answer on what to do. (God I will pop the hell off if I actually got this right. Give me this, Aka. Tell me I'm just as batshit crazy as you are.)

Now, obviously I can hear the cries about how that really isn't the smartest play. I mean, come on girl, you are dealing with a literal murderer. There is not a single instant during this interaction where she isn't in very real danger... but impulsiveness is one of Ruby's defining traits. I think we need to stop expecting her to do the logical thing. She was in broad daylight, so she must've figured he wouldn't have killed her THERE... but it's hard to tell at this point.

She took her opportunity to give voice to her thoughts to the very subject of her hatred, but revenge isn't her goal anymore. Aqua brought her off of that path, even if she doesn't realize the consequences of leaving it all to him. In any case, those are my thoughts on Ruby.

Now, for Hikaru...

God he's so fucked up. God it's so interesting to me that his star turned white in that moment.

It couldn't be clearer where Hikaru's insane fucking headspace is at. He kills those with potential, those who shine the brightest, because by depriving the world of that light he can feel the "weight" of his own. Fucked up! Truly, not a single person in this family is okay.

But again, it's interesting to me that his star was white in this moment. We see him approaching Ruby as if to push her down the stairs, but it makes me wonder if he really was going to kill her. If he was going to kill her, wouldn't his star be black? The stars mean a lot of things symbolically, but murderous intent seems to be a theme with the black stars...

...or maybe he's just so fucked up that killing is, for him, what gives him those white stars. If feeling the weight of his life after killing is what he lives for, then maybe that's what gives him that light, even if only briefly.

For the moment, it's all speculation. Akane comes in with the save and gets Ruby away from him before anything can happen... and honestly, I gotta wonder what Akane's place is in all of this.

As we know, Akane is trying to put a "stop" to Aqua's revenge. What this means exactly is up in the air... since I doubt she's here to make it so Hikaru gets away scot free. She was willing to kill him herself for Aqua, after all, and hell... it seems like even Hikaru is willing to accept Aqua's revenge.

So it begs the question as to what "stopping" Aqua means in this regard. Is she just trying to stop him from "killing" Kamiki? Is she still planning to kill him herself to take that away from Aqua? What is my girl cooking?? Aqua's mental state aside I don't think you should want to help this guy, Akane.

But back to Hikaru... or actually, more specifically, the ending of the movie arc.

Yeah we sure did rush through this, didn't we? But honestly... I'm actually not complaining, but not because I didn't like this arc.

Because I think it makes sense that we've rushed through all of this. Because in the end, though this movie is possibly at least 90% accurate according to Akane... I think there's much more to this than what's been written in the script. What we've seen of Ai and Hikaru was all written as a story... and that's it.

We don't know how much of it is true.

I think that's why we've brushed past everything so quickly. Stuff like all the scenes we didn't see, Ai's rejection, etc etc... I think those were skipped because Aka isn't going to show us that through the context of a movie where we can't tell how much of it is really true.

I think we're leading up to seeing the details of Ai and Hikaru's relationship through Hikaru's own eyes, and that's why we've skipped so much.

...alternatively, the next chapters will include the parts of the movie we've missed out on seeing, but I think my idea is better, actually—

In any case, those are my thoughts. If it turns out that I got ANY of this even slightly right, I'm going to be reblogging this to hell and back. Let me into your headspace, Aka Akasaka.

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

Honestly, what’s so bad about caring about and loving Jimin only and not the others though? I respect and admire them all, I just don’t love the others as much as I love Jimin. OT7s seem to love crucifying “PJMs” or “solos”.

This is an old ask but everything is still valid today.

There's nothing wrong about it. Armys are just entitled and they want to control everything people do and say. Trying to dictate who you can love/like it's plain insanity. Even in a real life group of friends you don't care about everyone in the same ways.

Same goes for shippers, because they can wholeheartedly believe one member cares about other the most, but get angry if someone else believes a different thing? Either we all agree that they all care for each other the same or we're all allowed to have our own opinions about it.

They have it against Jimin solos probably because they've always made themselves known and spoke out. Also, because most of them are taekookers or JK stans or Taehyung stans, and that's self explanatory. Most of them are literally solos of taekook, but of course they have their little armys accounts and pretend that they love all of them. Then they log in to a different account and write defamatory pieces on Jimin. How many of those accounts lately haven't been exposed for liking a tweet from a Jungkook akgae?

The truth is that 90% of the people that like Jungkook, hate Jimin. And that's just how it is. Be it because they're taekookers or because they're JK akgaes, they have ALWAYS been the most hateful towards Jimin. But they pretend and make everyone believe their little ot7 act because they know army is Jungkook's only and biggest fan base. Even as solos they lick armys ass because they know who's pulling the weight. Pjms have never begged armys for nothing, and I really mean nothing. If they're calling them out about something, it's because army is supposed to be Jimin's fandom but not really because pjms like them or need them.

I'm not saying alllllll armys are bad and I actually defended them plenty when face came out because they also supported it, though only for a week and their support has never really been for the right reasons but well. Don't look a gifted horse in the mouth, I guess.

However, they can't see how much space they're giving to other solos to thrive in the fandom because they're only looking out for pjms. 90% of those "JK biased" armys and even jikookers are literally Jungkook akgaes.

I've talked a lot of times about the way jikookers have weaponized Jimin's love for JK; they used it to fight taekookers and others and Jimin only got hate in the process because it was an easy target, I mean it was already a weapon anyways. You only use a weapon to defend the person behind it, which was Jungkook in that case. They still do that, "Jimin loves him how could you hate him!1!!1". What does that have to do with anything.

They couldn't and can't use Jungkook because his "affection" was so easily debunkable. For most of the decade, they barely even had moments they could use of Jungkook being nice to Jimin. Jimin's travelling with him to his debut and posting about all of his releases and chart positions. Jungkook: one (1) single weverse live is all they got in 10 years lmfao.

And got hate too because I will keep saying it, people who like Jungkook, don't like Jimin. Pjms realized this long ago, that's why they're so against jikookers. They knew that nobody who liked Jungkook would ever be their or Jimin's ally. As opposed to Jungkook and Taehyung akgaes who have each other's backs -because they're both the same.

Armys have also weaponized Jimin's love for the members but against pjms. They use it as a reason for pjms to not love him, that's madness???!?!?!!?! All those tweets the last couple of days basically going "do you really love a person as kind and supportive as Jimin? Ha! It must suck for you." Do they even hear themselves.

By their logic, shouldn't they support Jimin the hardest? I mean, he's literally the only one who's supporting the members they love, so why the resentment? Why use that against Jimin and not use it in favor of Jimin? Let's not even go on what does that say about the other members support for Jimin. Which is close to being nonexistent. No, Jungkook watching lives to an audience full of armys and his own akgaes that despise Jimin wasn't support or promo either.