#as beyonce said: bad bitches to the left money bitches to the right you can be both meet in the middle dance all night. sorry i've been

[lestatlioncunt]

🌕 + ☀️

[softluci]

this is for beyonce enjoyers ONLY

[the rest of yall can stand guard or smth idk but u have to be #REAL to consume this piece of media!]

i just wanted to come on here and let y'all know that mammon has actually had virgo's groove on repeat since it dropped and no one in the devildom has had a single ounce of peace. he fully believes he is beyonce's chosen. he refuses to listen to reason. he really needed this win. if it helps, there are intermittent bursts of energy and break my soul. but you're gonna have to give him a few more weeks before he listens to anything else. his vibe is unkillable right now, sorry to say.

while i'm here, i would also like to inform everyone that barbatos has not turned the album off at all; he actually keeps it on a loop for emotional, moral, spiritual, and physical support, something that only beyonce can provide in these trying times. solomon and asmo tried to invite him to their private listening party but he has a ritual every time beyonce releases and he needs to perform it by himself. his favorite is "america has a problem" because that's exactly how he tells dia, "no." ;; he actually cannot rank the rest of the album, do not ever ask him for a second favorite. it's alien superstar. category: sex-y Bitch, HE'S THE BAR! [bonus: when he realized That Man wasn't on the album, he actually opened a bottle of demonus just for himself.]

so the opening monologue in alien superstar actually plays in lucifer's head whenever he gets ready. that's just true. he listens to beyonce holding herself in the Highest regard and applies it to himself because who's gonna tell him it doesn't apply. he IS that girl, MOVE! speaking of move, that's his second favorite song off the album. something about "move move move move, yeah you gotta move move—" really speaks to him [because that's what he thinks as he's walking literally anywhere with a lot of people. if he doesn't know anything at all he knows every1 better move out his way!]

dia's favorite is move as well because . he's the Prince . it is engrained into devildom customs that everyone has to move out of his way. as far as he's concerned ms carter made that song for him. and when she says "me and my girlfriends, came out to play" ? do not. do Not. that line is about him, lucifer and barb like WHAT. [bonus: his second favorite song is cuff it because he luvs a little feel good song, esp one about a night on the TOWN! also he sings "can i sit on top of you" directly to lucifer it's true it's- [GUNSHOTS]

levi won't admit it but he did listen to the album in private because he understands that he would be the worst kind of loser if he refused to listen to beyonce. his number one is cozy because singing it to himself enough does help him feel a little more comfortable being himself it's chrew it's the feel good beyonce effect! his second favorite is virgo's groove, but he thinks virgos absolutely did not deserve it. if he's being honest, barb deserved it; it should've been leo's groove, and he'll say it whenever he gets the chance but he still shakes ass trust and believe that.

satan's favorite is thique. don't ask him questions about it, her lower register does something to him mentally. his second favorite is he listened to the album on his own as well, and called barbatos as soon as he was done, just to say, "she's done it again." and the two of them met up immediately to listen to it together [they've been doing this since self-titled]. barb had him practice his club dancing again. [no, i'm never gonna let that go because why is barb such a menace and sexy abt it like MOVE!]

asmo has not let go of alien superstar or pure/honey. he refuses to turn them off. beyonce said "category: sex-y bitch, i'm the bar" and it was like she planted something in his brain. that woman said "bad bitches, to the left. money bitches, to the right. you could be both, meet in the middle, dance all night." and it was like she took half of his soul and bottled it to keep. he has a favorite song for every single scenario; alien superstar for when he's getting ready for school, pure/honey for when he's getting ready to go Out, thique for when he's getting ready to go see solomon -

so belphie heard "MOVE OUT DE WEY" and sat up in bed. like i was there and i watched it happen. beel can confirm because he was also at the listening party. he hasn't turned this album off either, quiet as he keeps it. it's all he plays in his headphones; he really does think beyonce laced it with something and that he's been enchanted [made worse by the fact that he does not care that he hasn't listened to anything else in weeks].

beel was actually eating during the listening party [so he could be in top form for beyonce] and then "flip-flop, flippy, flip-floppin' ass BITCH!" actually made him stop chewing. belphie can confirm. he is also very partial to thique because . come on . come On. he keeps thique, pure/honey, heated, and alien superstar on a loop whenever he works out; he has no room for anything else it's true. something about "all my pretty boys to the floor," "category: sex-y bitch, i'm the bar" and "ass gettin' bigger" really just . does something to him when he's in the weight room. no one has come within 20 feet of him while he works out since this album dropped.

solomon's favorite is all up in your mind. yes he thinks about lucifer whenever he plays it, which is 10 times a day. you know, he really just . feels like ms carter was reaching out to him with that one, like she knew what he goes through every day with lucifer because, really . all he wants to do is be in lucifer's mind and lucifer barely gives him the time of day >:[ . [bonus: solomon's second fave is move; asmo saw his eyes when beyonce said "me and my girlfriends, came out to play" and can confirm that move legitimately turned solomon into a pure-blooded demon for the duration of that line]

simeon's favorite is plastic off the sofa </3 . i literally don't even wanna write any notes like everything speaks for itself u just have to feel it to get it. no but he really likes her softer songs it's true he told me; he likes to listen to it on a loop while he cleans and makes dinner. [bonus: he was the last person to listen to the album [listened two days after drop], so mammon sent him church girl and told him he'd like it, as an incentive to make him listen to all of it. simeon was . Not expecting a song called church girl to sound like that, but it's his second favorite song on the album . don't tell mammon . his third favorite is virgo's groove. Do Not Tell Mammon .]

bonus : if you share a favorite song with any of these men it means your souls are holding hands. so if u share a top song with anyone other than your favorite man it's time to reconsider who your favorite man is

bonus bonus: luke is not allowed to listen to this album because it is for grown people. luke actually isn't allowed to listen to anything that doesn't have a kids version. he isn't even allowed to listen to single ladies yall it's bad 4 him!

[isolctions]

AI’RINA RUE CASTILLO + discography.

i feel like i never really explained or went into detail about rue’s discography / musical evolution, & since it’s kind of important right now as far as her characterization goes right now, we may as well get into it now. so here we go. (links listed, u should prbly listen so u can get an idea of how / why she has two voice claims aside from r*iny being her original 2016 fc.)

rue first began making music at fifteen / sixteen years old. she became noticed by talent scouts and record labels in the miami area, and was signed on rather quickly to a major label after a few youtube covers and demos of hers got circulated. this is also around the time she distanced herself from her family & especially her mother.

on her seventeenth birthday, she released her first EP with positive reviews, a few cheesy music videos, TV performances, named as the next rising it girl, you name it. (see: limey.)

later that year, still seventeen and fresh faced on a major label, rue released her debut album to high critical acclaim. some major award nominations & wins, ranks on billboard, headlined her first US tour and performed a few shows overseas as well. began growing into pop / R&B princess status and becoming more of a known name. (see: this thing of ours.)

despite the high reviews and awards being thrown at her feet, rue didn’t like...actually have a connection to the music she was making at the time. like, yeah, she wrote some of the songs, but it was largely put together by a label-curated team packed full with sugary beats and a bubblegum pop voice. it wasn’t necessarily her style, but from seventeen to nineteen years old, that’s how she was marketed. ask rue about how she feels towards her first album now, she fucking hates it and you for asking the question.

by age nineteen & twenty, rue released yet another album, another EP, & embarked on yet another sold-out tour. household name status reached, grammy nominations received and some won, you know how it goes. around this time, her label decided that it was an absolutely genius idea to set her up with other powerhouse names within the music industry, so this began the on-again-off-again relationships she played arm candy to for publicity. didn’t really help that she was severely socially inexperienced, but hey, who cares! she’s trending! everyone’s talking about her and everyone wants her! money! (see: i knew i had a heart, chakra, hope & glory, how pretty you look, rate you.)

by twenty-one, rue was thoroughly sick and tired of the bubblegum good girl act. like, if she didn’t have such a borderline ab*sive strict upbringing, she might’ve had a britney moment with how much she was being controlled. that being said, she left her first label of four & a half years and signed on to another label that she felt she’d have a bit more freedom of creativity and of her image with. this led to yet another project, met with some hesitance at first, but fans and critics fell in love with the change of pace rue decided to go with. hello, endorsement deals!!! (see: project 11, minus carry me home. on my mind. teenage fantasy. beautiful little fools. fine lines. let me down. uptown top ranking.)

on her twenty-second birthday, rue overshadowed the absolute mess that was her first album by instead, pulling a beyonce & surprise-releasing her third album. yeah, so that shit went platinum. sold out world tour. multiple side-shows. festivals galore. more endorsements! more grammys! more awards! it was a blast. unfortunately, the down side was that despite the change in labels, her management was still more concerned with boosting her clout over her well-being by setting her up on dates with various other heavy hitting producers, writers, even athletes and designers. despite how much she loved her third album, this was like, the worst time period in rue’s life. but hey, at least she’s a platinum grammy winner & bought her first house in the same miami neighborhood she used to clean houses with her siblings in! (see: lost & found. get it together. be honest.)

over the past two years, rue went largely inactive. she still made appearances and did shows, of course, but her anxiety caught up with her and put her down bad. now, she’s working on finishing her next album, and has released some throw away singles here and there simply to get her nagging ass label off of her back and to keep her fans happy, bc she genuinely does love them. for the most part, she has almost exclusive control over the direction and general sound of her music, and it’s probably the most content she’s been with any release yet, even the throw away singles are much more personal to her than any other of her past releases. rue album four otw, babey!!! (see: a prince — likely an old, resurfaced demo she never released regarding her previous label / forced ‘relationship’ predicaments during her teens, come over, by any means — which zena directed!!, make it right.)

i also feel like, despite not being either of her voiceclaims, i firmly believe that rue at the very least wrote & recorded a demo of f.u.c.k. for herself. so we gon’ pretend that’s her song bc it is.

just a lil’ razzle dazzle, but rue’s a lil’ bit.....romantically stunted. kisses for anyone who gives this bitch enough Feels for her to write & release some genuine romantic shit, pls n thanks. :>

[francoiserenaldt]

This playlist is for one of my ILITW MCs, Desirée Ashton. I hope you enjoy! Song explanations under the cut.

wings little mix

mama told me not to waste my life / she said spread your wings, my little butterfly

I wanted to kick off the playlist with this song because it’s the closest I could get to establishing who Desirée is as a person. People have talked shit about her all her life; growing up poor and black in an affluent, predominantly white neighborhood will do that to you, so this song represents how she manages to rise above it everyday.

omg little mix

i don’t even know / why they fall like dominoes

My girl is...not the best at relationships. She’s very stubborn when it comes to what she likes in a person, so she ends up in a lot of situations where people who don’t interest her in any way are attracted to her. It’s about as nightmarish as you’d expect. 

pray for me kendrick lamar ft. the weeknd

if i’m gon’ die for you / if i’m gon’ kill for you / then i spill this blood for you +

i fight the world / i fight you / i fight myself

This song represents Desirée’s relationship with her twin brother, Devon. Because he’s so much more emotionally fragile than she is, she’s constantly defending him from the community. She would happily die for him, but it wears on her constantly.

no tears left to cry ariana grande

right now, i’m in a state of mind / i wanna be in, like all the time

Her emotional state is a series of high highs and low lows because she’s always going through some shit, so it’s really an occasion when she’s feeling good. 

scrolling adrianxpression

i’m looking in the mirror to make me reconsider / but the hole that’s in my heart / it just keeps on getting bigger

This one is her when her anxiety acts up. 

i was here beyonce

i gave my all / did my best / brought someone some happiness

Desirée gives a lot of herself to the people she lets in, which is why it hurts when no one mourns her.

elastic heart sia

I’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart / but your blade might be too sharp +

you won’t see me fall apart / cuz i’ve got an elastic heart

elastic bali baby

fucked it up, made it back / it’s elastic +

i wanna go off / yes, i know it is tempting

Her resilience through everything she’s gone through takes its toll on her patience, so when it’s gone...let’s just say you don’t want to be the one she’s mad at.

successful ariana grande

it feels so good to be so young and have this fun and be successful / i’m so successful

Before her family got rich, she had a borderline unhealthy obsession with working hard because her parents engrained it in her mind (“work or die” and “go to school or die in poverty” type stuff) so this is sort of her enjoying the product of all of her work in addition to the money she has now.

icy girl saweetie

i don’t got time for these hoes / speaking on my name like i’m someone that they know

This is her attitude toward naysayers as an adult (think ILB age). In Wings, she was bothered by the things people said about her. Now, she’s mostly dismissive unless they really cross a line.

bartier cardi cardi b

cardi took your man, you upset / cardi got rich, they upset, yeah

Self explanatory.

joan of arc little mix

i don’t need a man / if i’m lovin’ you, it’s ‘cause i can / i don’t want your cash / i put my own rock on my hand

As someone who’s been on both sides of the class spectrum, she’s pretty knowledgeable about the power of money and what it does to people. Knowing that information has made her really cagey about who she lets herself depend on. 

home with you madison beer

you do what you wanna, wanna do / but i’m not going home with you, home with you

7 rings ariana grande

been through some bad shit, i should be a sad bitch / who would’ve thought it’d turn me to a savage?

pop shit molly brazy

fuck all that squashing that beef / bitch you know there ain’t know ending that

Desirée holds a mean grudge. Nuff said.

one woman army porcelain black

i’m on the battlefield like oh my god / knocking soldiers down like house of cards

This could be taken literally or metaphorically depending on how you look at it.

vroom vroom charli xcx

all my friends are princesses, we keep it whipped and creamy / ice cubes on our tongues because we like to keep it freezy

I included this song because I could see her blasting this in the car (when she eventually gets one) while driving with the other girls in the cast. 

cocky af megan thee stallion

cocky as fuck and my friends cocky too / if you got beef with me, they got it too

6 inch beyonce

she fights for the power, keeping time / she grinds from monday to friday / work from friday to sunday

Desirée is a huge fan of throwing herself into her work when she’s dealing with other problems. She kind of...spirals when she doesn’t have a project to focus on and I thought this song was a good representative of that. Also there is no such thing as too much Beyonce. 

i don’t feel anymore kahlen barry

want you to think about / everything you’re leaving behind / walk out that door, i promise i won’t cry / because i can’t cry / i don’t feel anymore

She takes betrayal hard. Yeah, no one takes betrayal well, but she becomes a different person when she’s been screwed over by someone she let in.

love is blindness jack white

love is blindness / i don’t wanna see / why don’t you wrap the knife / around me

This is her view of her parent’s relationship. Without getting too much into it, they’re an example of everything she doesn’t want for her future partnerships.

ball w/o you 21 savage

you was my rock, heavy metal / now you ain’t shit to me +

gave you my all / you was my dawg

This is the song about Noah Marshall, plain and simple. 

teeth 5sos

you turn into somebody i don’t know / and you push me away, push me away yeah

Desirée can be two completely different people when she hates them.

fashion killa asap rocky

i love your linda farrow / i adore your dior +

smiling is your treasure, you’re so well put together

Desiree is very into fashion and dressing well, so the new money gives her a chance to really show out.

not friendly flo milli

ain’t no competition to me / girl, i always seem to win / when i’m done wit ha / i bet she won’t try that shit again

Desirée does not put up with anything that harms her or her loved ones. Period.

girls in the hood megan thee stallion

because the girls in the hood are always hard / ever since 16, i been having a job / knowing nothing in life / but i gotta get rich / you can check the throwback pics / i been that bitch +

these bitches mad mad / they wanna hurt me

Self-explanatory.

If you read all that, I love you. Thank you for your time and I hope you have a good day!

[annie-banks]

Adore You - Harry Styles (2019) // you’re wonder, under summer sky // All About That Bass – Meghan Trainor (2014) // every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top // Alone Again – Betty Who (2014) // when it rains it pours and you drown me out // Anything Could Happen – Ellie Goulding (2012) // letting darkness grow, as if we need it's palette and we need it's color // Bad Girls - M.I.A. (2012) // leaving boys behind ‘cause it’s illegal just to kill // Bitch Better Have My Money - Rihanna (2015) // your wife in the backseat of my brand new foreign car // Blank Space – Taylor Swift (2014) // darling I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream // Bloodbuzz Ohio – The National (2010) // I was carried to Ohio in a swarm of bees // Bo$$ – Fifth Harmony (2014) // boss. Michelle Obama. purse so heavy gettin' Oprah dollas // Boy Problems - Carly Rae Jepsen (2015) // I think I broke up with my boyfriend today and I don't really care // Boys - Charli XCX (2017) // I wish I had a better excuse like I had to trash the hotel lobby // Butterflies - Kacey Musgraves (2018) // I was hiding in doubt till you brought me out of my chrysalis // Call Me Maybe – Carly Rae Jepsen (2011) // before you came into my life I missed you so bad // Call Your Girlfriend – Robyn (2010) // don't you tell her how I give you something that you never even knew you missed // Canyon Moon - Harry Styles (2019) // doors yellow, broken, blue // Chandelier – Sia (2014) // I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry // Cherry - Harry Styles (2019) // I confess I can tell that you are at your best, I'm selfish so I'm hating it // Circles - Post Malone (2019) // we couldn't turn around, 'til we were upside down // C’mon - Panic! At the Disco and Fun. (2011) // feels like I am falling down a rabbit hole, falling for forever, wonderfully wandering alone // C’Mon – Kesha (2012) // feeling like a saber-tooth tiger sipping on a warm budweiser // Cruise (Remix) - Florida Georgia Line ft. Nelly (2012) // she was sippin' on southern and singin' Marshall Tucker, we were falling in love in the sweet heart of summer // Daddy Lessons - Beyonce ft. Dixie Chicks (2017) // it’s your song // Dark Fantasy – Kanye West (2010) // too many Urkels on your team, that's why your wins low // Death of a Bachelor - Panic! At the Disco (2016) // the lace in your dress tingles my neck, how do I live? // Demons- Sleigh Bells (2012) // They're gonna stand em up six by six by six // Diane - Cam (2017) // And all those nights that he's given to me I wish that I could give them back to you // Diane Young – Vampire Weekend (2013) // you torched a Saab like a pile of leaves // Downtown - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Eric Nally, Melle Mel, Grandmaster Caz, Kool Moe Dee (2016) // neighbors yelling at me like, you need to slow down going thirty-eight, Dan, chill the fuck out, mow your damn lawn and sit the hell down // End of the Day - One Direction (2015)// I told her that I loved her, just not sure if she heard. the roof was pretty windy and she didn't say a word, party died downstairs, had nothing left to do just me, her and the moon // Fireproof – One Direction (2015) // riding on the wind and I won't give up // ***Flawless – Beyonce ft. Nicki Minaj (2013) // mayday, mayday, earth to bitches // Follow Your Arrow - Kacey Musgraves (2013) // if you save yourself for marriage, you're a bore. if you don't save yourself for marriage, you're a whore-able person // Formation - Beyonce (2016) // always stay gracious, best revenge is your paper // Forrest Gump – Frank Ocean (2012) // my fingertips and my lips, they burn from the cigarettes // Freaks and Geeks – Childish Gambino (2011) // I have worked all winter, I will not fail summer, in the back of the bush, like Gavin Rossdale's drummer // Gay Pirates - Cosmo Jarvis (2011) // and I hope they didn't tie up your hands as tight as mine. I'll see you on the bed of this blue ocean, babe, sometime // Get Lucky – Daft Punk ft. Pharrell Williams (2013) // the present has no ribbon, your gift keeps on giving // Glory - Bastille (2016) // and then you put your hand in mine and pulled me back from things divine, stop looking up for heaven, waiting to be buried // Good Grief - Bastille (2016) // caught off guard by your favourite song, I'll be dancing at a funeral, dancing at a funeral // Green Light - Lorde (2017) // I whisper things, the city sings them back to you // Grown - Little Mix (2015) // no regrets, it's a lesson learned 'cause what you think ain't my concern // Hayloft - Nickel Creek (2014) // young lovers with their legs tied up in knots // Holocene – Bon Iver (2011) // and at once I knew I was not magnificent // I Believe - Original Broadway Cast (2011) // and I believe that the Garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri // I Like It - Cardi B, Bad Bunny, and J Balvin (2018) // I like those Balenciagas, the ones that look like socks // I Love It – Icona Pop ft. Charli XCX (2012) // you're from the '70s, but I'm a '90s bitch // Judas – Lady Gaga (2011) // I'm just a holy fool, oh baby he's so cruel, but I'm still in love with Judas, baby // Juice - Lizzo (2019) // I be drippin' so much sauce got a bitch lookin' like RAGÚ // Just Hold On - Steve Aoki ft. Louis Tomlinson (2016) // feels like you're standing on the edge looking at the stars and wishing you were them // Laura Palmer – Bastille (2013) // what a year and what a night, what terrifying final sights put out your beating heart // Lemonworld – The National (2010) // I gave my heart to the Army, the only sentimental thing I could think of // Love on Top – Beyonce (2011) // I can see the stars all the way from here, can't you see the glow on the window pane // Make Me Feel - Janelle Monáe (2018) // it's like I'm powerful with a little bit of tender, an emotional, sexual bender // Making the Most of the Night - Carly Rae Jepsen (2015) // baby I'm speeding and red lights, I'll run // Meet Me in the Hallway - Harry Styles (2017) // just let me know I'll be on the floor, on the floor // Menswear – The 1975 (2013) // well, who's this? going for the kiss, I'm probably gonna yosh in your mouth // Mirrors – Justin Timberlake (2013) // if you ever feel alone and the glare makes me hard to find, just know that I'm always parallel on the other side // Monster – Kanye West ft. Jay-Z, Rick Ross, Nicki Minaj, and Bon Iver (2010) // you could be the king but watch the queen conquer // The Mother We Share - Chvrches (2012) // I'm in misery but you can't see, as old as your omens // My Church - Maren Morris (2016) // I just keep the wheels rolling, radio scrolling 'til my sins wash away // N****s in Paris - Jay-Z and Kanye West (2011) // Prince William's ain't do it right if you ask me 'cause I was him, I would have married Kate and Ashley // Oh, What a World - Kacey Musgraves (2018) // did I know you once in another life? are we here just once or a billion times? // Old Town Road (Remix) - Lil Nas X ft. Billy Ray Cyrus (2019) // cowboy hat from Gucci, Wrangler on my booty // Otis – Jay-Z and Kanye West (2011) // luxury rap, the Hermes of verses, sophisticated ignorance, write my curses in cursive // Pineapple Girl - Mister Heavenly (2011) // I am besieged by the vagaries of power. I'm all alone and lonely in this tower // Primadonna – Marina and the Diamonds (2012) // I know I've got a big ego, I really don't know why it's such a big deal though // Pumped Up Kicks – Foster the People (2010) // he's got a rolled cigarette, hanging out his mouth he's a cowboy kid // Radio - Lana Del Rey (2012) // pick me up and take me like a vitamin 'cause my body's sweet like sugar venom // Raising Hell - Kesha ft. Big Freedia (2019) // hungover, heart of gold, holy mess. doin' my best, bitch, I'm blessed // Rivers and Roads - The Head and the Heart (2011) // been talking 'bout the way things change // Royals - Lorde (2013) // we don't care, we aren't caught up in your love affair // S.O.B. - Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats (2015) // I'm going to cover myself with the ashes of you and nobody's gonna give a damn // Satisfied - Original Broadway Cast (2015) // it's a dream and it's a bit of a dance, a bit of a posture, it's a bit of a stance. He's a bit of a flirt, but I'm 'a give it a chance. I asked about his fam'ly, did you see his answer? his hands started fidgeting, he looked askance? he's penniless, he's flying by the seat of his pants // Sex – The 1975 (2013) // and she said use your hands and my spare time, we've got one thing in common it's this tongue of mine // Shake It Out – Florence + the Machine (2011) // our love is pastured such a mournful sound, tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground// Shut Up and Dance - Walk the Moon (2014) // my discotheque Juliet teenage dream // Silly Love Songs - Darren Criss (2011) // how can I tell you about my loved one // Some Nights - Fun. (2012) // this is not one for the folks at home, I'm sorry to leave, mom, I had to go. who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun? // Someone Like You – Adele (2011) // we were born and raised in a summer haze, bound by the surprise of our glory days // Sorry - Justin Bieber (2015) // *dolphin noises* // Spaceship - Kesha (2017) // I knew from the start I don't belong in these parts. there's too much hate, there's too much hurt for this heart // Stars - Fun. (2012) // some nights I rule the world with bar lights and pretty girls, but most nights I stay straight and think about my mom // Stitches - Shawn Mendes (2015) // needle and the thread gotta get you out of my head // Sunflower, Vol. 6 - Harry Styles (2019) // *gasp* your flowers just died, plant new seeds in the melody // Super Bass - Nicki Minaj (2010) // and he ill, he real, he might gotta deal. he pop bottles and he got the right kind of build. he cold, he dope, he might sell coke. he always in the air, but he never fly coach // Take Me to Church - Hozier (2013) // I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies. I'll tell you my sins, and you can sharpen your knife // Thank u, Next - Ariana Grande (2018) // she taught me love, she taught me patience, how she handles pain // The Pachanelly Canon - Gentleman’s Rule (2012) // I'm getting pages out of New Jersey, from Courtney B telling me about a party up in NYC. can I make it? damn right I be on the next flight. payin cash. first class. sittin' next to Vanna White // The Wire - Haim (2013) // I just know, I know, I know, I know that you're gonna be okay anyway // Theme From “Cheers” - Titus Andronicus (2010)// I'm sick and tired of everyone in this town being so goddamn uptight, but don't you worry, I'll do all the talking when they turn on the flashing lights // Thieves – She & Him (2010) // I'm not a prophet, old love is in me. new love just seeps right in and makes me guilty // This is America - Childish Gambino (2018) // tell somebody, you go tell somebody. grandma told me, get your money, black man // Trouble - Neon Jungle (2013) // lights up let's have a toke, pour more whiskey in my coke .. Truth Hurts - Lizzo (2017) // you coulda had a bad bitch, non-committal // Uma Thurman - Fall Out Boy (2015) // and I slept in last night's clothes and tomorrow’s dreams, but they are not quite what they seem // Wetsuit – The Vaccines (2011) // with a cool, cool breeze and dirty knees, I rest on childhood memories // What a Feeling - One Direction (2015) // when the air ran out and we both started running wild, the sky fell down // Wilson - Fall Out Boy (2018) // I'll stop wearing black when they make a darker color // Wolves - One Direction (2015) // I feel the waves getting started, it's a rush inside I can't control // You Need Me, I Don’t Need You - Ed Sheeran (2011) // melody music maker, reading all the papers, they say I'm up and coming like I'm fucking in an elevator // You’re in Love With a Psycho - Kasabian (2017) // I'm like the taste of macaroni on a seafood stick

Songs that would have made the list were they on Spotify: We Can’t Stop - Bastille // I Love Clothes (Deadbeat Summer) - Childish Gambino //  G.O.O.D. Friday - Kanye West ft. Common, Pusha T, Kid Cudi, Big Sean & Charlie Wilson // Driving in Cars with Boys - Lana Del Rey // Blurred Lines - Vampire Weekend // a number of mashups (Office Musik, What Makes You Da One, Live While We Die Young, Brush Your Bittersweet Shoulders Off, We Are Complicated)

[finderskeepersff]

40.

Waking out of the bedroom I screamed laughing “why though!?” I shouted over the music “because its a good ass song!” Jasmine shouted back to me “and it woke you up out of that bed, we can wake the whole block too. I wish you could drink” Jasmine has been on one hundred all week, I have well and truly been spoilt, never in my life did I think I would be in a mansion in the Hollywood hills, well I will be here for two weeks so we rented it out. As soon as we arrived we just met the owner and paid cash, I did think the owner would think weird of us for having that but he was none the wiser. I said it was Jasmine’ birthday so he was ok. He owns like so many places here, so Jasmine and I are living with the rich people. I could live here, I could really be bougie and live here. It’s so beautiful to just walk outside the back yard and look down at the Hollywood Hills, I didn’t think we had that much money. Jasmine and I counted it and I was like oh shit, ok this is a lot. I see why he is having a heart attack. The only thing that does put me back is the fact I am pregnant but it’s been fun either way “is he in that pool again?” Leyton has done nothing but be in that “he is, he even requested a mocktail, like who are you” he’s getting above himself “no matter what, if you and stupid get back together you cannot tell him about my dick appointment” Jasmine said it like I would “I wouldn’t but I do think your ex boo likes you still” Jasmine pulled a face “he’s got good dick and that is it, he near fainted seeing you. I don’t know what you’re doing with my brother, you have been getting men here all up on you and you pregnant. I was like dude, look at her stomach. These niggas don’t care” I laughed “he said I will be step daddy, he was bold” shaking my head laughing “step daddy, I think Cassius would put him in the ground” Jasmine walked off saying.

I refuse to go greyhound again, we need to spend this money either way. I cannot deal with that again, I mean it was fun but no “you think I did wrong?” I do question myself sometimes “oh no sweetie, I would have shot him in the leg and took his money too. You’re nice, you left him a Beyonce note and that is funny. He is my brother and I say you did fine, Atlanta would have been where Cassius would have come, he would have harassed you but look at us, we are happy and smiling are we not? My mother said just be happy, she knows you’re safe and she is ok with that” his family are so sweet “I feel bad because you are his sister” I took his sister with me “and? What is he going to do besides be sad? Bitch we in Hollywood, we can pay to see Lil Wayne, he is doing a concert, we must go. We can get VIP, we can do this. You can use your pretty eyes, we got this girl. Pregnant bitches go out too, who cares. Little Cartier don’t mind” Jasmine touched my bump, like I said she is wild as fuck and continues to be on one hundred.

Am I fooling myself, I feel very sad about this. I never got the chance to shop with Cassius baby clothes and I am doing this on my own, I guess daddy is paying though “do you need help at all?” the store assistant asked me “erm, you know what I think I do. I have no idea on sizes at all” I am useless, she cooed out “is this your first time being a mother?” nodding my head “this is my” I paused staring at Jasmine “sister in law”Jasmine said “yeah and this my brother, I have no clue if to get a big size for my son” the assistant seems so sweet “oh we all get that, how far along are you?” she pointed at my bump “I am currently twenty three weeks, soon to be twenty four” touching my bump “you have a perfect sized bump, now we do recommend to get three to six months. From looking at your bump I wouldn’t go any higher, what was it you was looking at?” looking at the rack “I was wanting this Gucci baby grow, I think it’s cute. The grey colour” the lady went ahead of me to look through the sizes “what about this?” Leyton held up a Versace baby suit “I like that too, hold it” I said to him “this, now it will be somewhat big for him but he can grow into it” he will look so handsome in this, I know my son will be “I love it, this is the first piece of clothing I have bought for him. I have been so busy. He can thank his dad for spoiling him” I grinned.

My brother has got a tan, he done gone a shade darker “do you like it here?” reaching over, wiping the side of his mouth “stop” he moved my hand away laughing “I do, it’s so good. Look how many things we done, I’ve been Disney, I seen universal. This is the life, so many things we can do too. I love the home, it’s dope. Why can’t we move here?” pulling a face at him “we can’t because I am having this baby and once I do I want to be in Atlanta and I will be staying there. I don’t want to raise my kid here, it’s expensive too” I am so tight, I am only spending because this is his money “but you dropped a stack on the baby, come on. I know Cassius would do it for you” licking my lips laughing “no thank you, I am ok. Anyways you better eat all of that. I done paid for extra fries, fat ass” seeing Jasmine’ ex, once again he is here “what’s good my nigga” he dapped Leyton “hey Hunter” his parents called him Hunter, that is some sad shit “looking beautiful as ever Sofia, the sun in your eyes is just wow and Jasmine. Simple one” rolling my eyes looking down at my food “shut up, you speak too much so. How about you babysit for us, just like take Leyton somewhere and we can have some girl time?” Hunter looked at Leyton “do I look like a babysitter to you?” he spat “you do, I mean why not?” I asked him “why, where you both going?” he pointed at us both “well she wants to see Lil Wayne but no, so we found out Beyonce is playing and we have just bought tickets over the odds. Just that we rather not take Leyton, I love you but no” I have no idea why I trust this man but Leyton has been with worse people “if you give me a smile I will” I couldn’t hep but laugh but I looked away “if I smile then what?” Jasmine spat “then I say no!” he shouted “I am playing, you know I do it for you. Ok, if I get to order pizza and stay in the, mansion deal?” Jasmine nodded her head.

I know what my brother means, the vibe here is nice but I couldn’t live that lifestyle at all “Jasmine, he really likes you. I know you said he went with another girl but he loves teasing you and he does this for you” Jasmine kissed her teeth “the reason I went back home was because of him, I was so heartbroken. I couldn’t stay and he said it was a mistake but this girl, well the girl he did it with said he wanted it but I guess we will see. He is good for the dick, you can honestly live off that. Do that to my brother” I laughed out, she is so stupid “oh god, look who it is. The many calls he does” seeing the caller I.D, Cassius has not given up. He gives Jasmine at least thirty missed calls a day and she doesn’t pick up at all “you boys just wait there, pick it up” I said to Jasmine “me!?” she spat “and get shouted at” Jasmine and I walked into the corner “just do it, ask him what is wrong? I just want to know something” Jasmine sighed out “if he cusses me out then you take the phone” we stopped in a corner where it was more quiet, I just want to hear something.

Jasmine picked up the phone, I placed my head ever so close to the phone “hi Cassius” Jasmine said, her voice ever so high pitch. The line went dead quiet “you pick up now?” Cassius said “I didn’t know it was you calling, duh” Jasmine is about to annoy him “where is she? She is not in Atlanta so where is she?” hearing him say “she? Who is that?” Jasmine eye balled me and shrugged “Sofia, where is she!?” he spat “I have no idea, I am in Dubai” my eyes widened, what is she doing “if I come Dubai, I am coming there to kill you. Now you fucking tell me where is she!?” Jasmine just looked at me “I don’t know where Sofia is, the fuck” Cassius groaned out “you and mom are some lying fucking bitches, I am sick of you both. You dumb fucking bitch” grabbing the phone from Jasmine “it’s good to know you still have that same attitude” I said down the phone and the line went silent, not even a word spoken. I had to check the phone to see if it was still connected “where are you?” he asked “shopping for my son, you should see the cute baby grows he got. They are so cute, what else? Stop harassing Jasmine” that is all he has been doing “why are you doing this to me? You ran with my money, you left me for what?” what a stupid question to ask “I want a real man to teach my son how to be a man, I will never find that in this lifetime so I will do it on my own” I know this will annoy him “Sofia, you ain’t about to have no home to go too, stop fucking with me. You will be back in Barbados with your mom, you are your mother. You fucking stole my money, if you don’t come back I will kill Samuel” he is such a bastard “when you do Cassius, snort a line off his body” disconnecting the call “for you” turning on my heels.

“You have broken another phone” Ethan said at the side of me “anyways the Latino’s are here” I don’t know how to even feel, it’s just a weird thing to even feel or even think of. Myles opened the door for me “no funny business here” Kyle said as I got out of the car, I knew this would happen and they come running to me. They have nobody protecting them so they need me “is this your people?” I said laughing, this is nothing “you killed our leader homie” I have other plans for Samuel actually “who’s fault is that? Mine or yours? He was an easy target, maybe you should like your leader more. So what are you? His right hand man?” he has a big mouth “you know our people have nothing, they are dying out there because of you?” I laughed, it’s laughable “weak” I said walking around him “so what do you propose?” they have nothing “you picking at us Cassius, you know what you are doing. You continued to kill us ever since you killed our leader, you have left the bodies outside their family homes. That is evil! I want out!” he shouted, turning to him “there is never a way out unless you want to die, I can post your body too? Free of charge” bringing my head closer to his “I am sure your daughter wants to see her daddy’ dead body, I have been waiting for you” moving back from him “you’re right, we picked at y’all at the weakest time and it’s worked. Look at it, you know what let’s do this. You give me everything y’all have and we just take over? Done deal? Yeah?” he nodded his head “yeah? Ok good” walking around him “kill them all” I don’t care anymore, opening the car door as I got inside.

The care scale with me has gone, I don’t care “I have never killed so much in so little time” Kyle said getting into the back of the car with me “Ethan staying to clean?” I said as Myles got in the driver’s seat “he is yeah, where we going?” it’s rather a blood bath out there “erm, to the club” Kyle and Myles looked at each other before Myles looked ahead of him “I can’t believe we back in Brooklyn, we went to Atlanta for what? You have created so much shit Cassius” the car drove off slowly “Myles, you don’t do fucking shit but you come here to look pretty. Just fucking stick with the bitch you don’t want” Kyle groaned out “can we please not do this ok? Just shut up both of you, I am just not happy with you either. Cassius what the fuck? You know what I don’t know how you do it, how do you get hooked up on shit and then get off it, you’re a machine but why? Why have you done it again, you are becoming mad. This was not needed, you and I both know that” I don’t wish to speak to them “just take me to the club” it’s not worth it.

Taking in a deep breath resting my head back, wiping my nose with my hand and looking at the side of my hand “you said to me never take your own product, I told you it’s good when it’s free” Raphael said “why be in this world when you can be out of this world” dragging my eyes away from Raphael seeing Celine, licking my top lip as she waved at me. Waving her over “make room” I said to Kyle to move “how is you? Everyone?” she looked at me up and down and then at the table “Cass?” she sat next to me “how is Sofia? You’re not doing this again? I know what you’re like with this, don’t do that” scratching the side of my head “is that why she gone to California” my eyes widened at her “she has gone where!?” I spat, Celine paused “oh you didn’t know?” getting up from my position “her and Leyton have gone, he sent pictures and things. Cassius what is it?” that is where she has gone, clenching my jaw “Cassius this is why she has gone without you, I was shocked to see you here. I made a mistake” she was about to get up but I dragged her back down “show me the pictures” letting her wrist go “get me some weed!” I spat, Celine sighed out “I don’t think I want this” Celine tried to get up again and I also got up “remember when you begged me to keep you alive, fucking show me!” I spat.

Sliding across on the picture, staring down at the picture of Sofia with Mickey and Minnie. A small smiled played on my lips with the way Minnie is touching the baby bump “you smiled” looking up at Kyle “not really, ring Leyton’ phone now” passing Celine’ phone back to her “Cassius, why are you taking that again. I thought you was happy with Sofia? She don’t deserve that” she is irritating me “I swear, I will kill you, fucking do it” watching her tap Leyton’ name as it rang out “Cassius, you need to calm down” Kyle acting like I don’t know what I am doing “hey big head, where is Sofia?” Celine looked at me but looked away, she can’t stand to look at me “oh she has, then who are you with?” where has she gone “oh right, that is ok. Tell Sofia I called, just wanted to know when you was back. Speak soon” she disconnected the call “Jasmine and Sofia gone to a concert, and Leyton is with a friend at the home” she is cheating on me, gripping Celine’ neck “you get that fucking address! Now!” I barked “woah, woah!” Kyle pushed at me but I didn’t move “get off her!” Kyle shouted at me “fuck!” is the last thing I heard until everything went blank.

I took in a deep breath as I opened my eyes, looking around me and realising that I am just at home. I laid back down “where is Sofia?” I asked, I am sure she is here “Cassius you lose your damn mind, you know she ain’t here” Kyle said, touching the side of my head “who hit me?” getting up from the couch “me” Kyle said it without a care “she left me” I mumbled, I got a bad head pain now “Cassius, it’s best you accept that she left you” looking up at my mom “I will once I get something” getting up from the couch “get what? Cassius you need to stop, you about to get yourself fucked up” Kyle is just full of air, walking off “nigga! You get that something then we going to have problems!” Kyle shouted at me “you near killed Celine” that was it “she knows where Sofia is, you right” I pointed at him “Cassius, my nigga. Sofia doesn’t want to know you! Hear me out! I seen the note, she said she don’t want you. She left you because this is not the nigga she knows. You lost your mind, what you going to do? Go there and do what? Scare her, beat her? What!? Tell me” Kyle got in my face “you said you ain’t Jordan! You came out of jail being clean as fuck, you was so right. You met Sofia and you was happy and you do this! If I have to knock you out again Cassius then I will, you want Sofia back yeah? You want to speak to her?” I swallowed hard “Sofia is good people Cassius come on, I know this shit is not it. You know this, you know it. I know you don’t want to do this but this don’t need to be it. How many times have I told you that I ain’t ever seen real love until now and you do this. You blame your dad for being a shit person and he fucked you up and yet you prove everything he say. Come on Casssius I love you bro we all do” patting Kyle’ shoulder walking around him “Cassius, baby” my mom said as I walked by her and then stopped “it was never about the money” I said as my voice broke and then continued to walk up the steps “he needs to do this himself mama, we can’t do it for him” Myles said.

[katiebruce]

Year of the Silver Star

It’s taken me a while to sit down and right my annual end-of-the-year post. Normally, I’ve got this post done in the weeks leading up to New Year’s Eve, or, at the very least, the night before. Yet, here we are.

 I think part of it is my fear of letting go of what was such an incredible year for me. I know I’m basically alone in having had a great 2017—that’s okay, I’m usually an outcast anyways—but also a sense that I’ve peaked and will now plateau, if not avalanche, downwards into both my Saturn Return and my thirties. Whatever it may be, I owe it to both one of the best years of my life and one of the strangest starts to a new year I’ve ever had to document it.

 So, here it is.

 I started 2017 doing one of my favorite things: being out of the country. Sure, I was working, and sure, I wasn’t with my most favorite people, or in one of my favorite cities (not to shade Toronto, by any means)—but I had a good time. I had this overall feeling of excitement and change and that air of “anything is possible” that often accompanies the completion of a year--but somehow more than ever before. Something just felt right.

 I knew that starting the year off out of the country would provide ample travel opportunities and I made no hesitation in starting that right away. My best friend and I flew to Philly for a weekend—to see one of our favorite emo bands, mind you—and explored the frigid city in all its historic glory. About a week later, I flew to Vegas for my roommate’s bachelorette party, which, in and of itself, was easily one of the most eventful things that happened last year…

 February came and I turned 28 and celebrated with my girl gang at a library themed, Oscar Wilde bar. We got LIT-erary. I still find that fucking hilarious. We ended the night at our favorite watering hole, The good old Owl and ended up getting called The Spice Girls which was actually such a revelation for us (and even though Nicole wasn’t there, she somehow was the fifth we needed and the universe fucking knew it.)

 About a week or so later, me, Bethany and Lo flew across the fucking pond. We traveled London, Liverpool and Edinburgh for a week and froze our bloody arse’s off. In London, Lauren and I had a most memorable night where we were both kissed by a rose and wound up and a Beyonce bash, complete with face masks of Bey and all. I was catcalled in the most British way possible: “Oi, that’s a big bottom!” and I ended up meeting a guy we referred to as Mr. Grey for the better part of the year. He and I would, uh, well, fuck it. We’d have facetime sex at like, the most awkward hours and tbh it was sexy and made me feel great and I walked a little lighter and enjoyed how silly it was for a while. Of course, it ended a few months in, as these things often do, but I can’t deny the fun I had and I feel like I shouldn’t. Everyone should have sex with a sex monster (yes, that’s what I’m going to refer to him as now) at least once in their life. It was a wild ride.

 Beebs and I got inked in Liverpool on an absolute whim, and I had a sixty-year-old man tell me about the time he saw Bowie on the Ziggy Stardust tour as we listened to Lorde and he forever immortalized my love of The Thin White Duke on my forearm. This is when I really started letting go last year; I’m not very good at being impulsive. I may appear to be, but deep down I have grave anxiety about pretty much anything I do. I’ve just been lucky enough to have people who are willing to tolerate it and help me work past it in my adult life. But something changed in me in Liverpool, that drunken night where I not only decided I would get inked but thought up the concept mere hours before having it forever, and I can say I completely allowed this new girl to inhabit me and take over for the remainder of the year.

 I fell in love with Edinburgh and decided that, should I pursue a Master’s degree in the next few years, I’ll be going to school there. I’ve never felt quite as home as I did there. (I realize I’ve always said that about London, but trust me, if something was ever going to top Lahndo, it must be true love.)

 Me and the girls (all sexed up from chatting with all the foreign boys we did) had a most memorable night when we got home getting drunk at a sex store together and spending a collective $800 or so dollars on toys and lingerie. Self-care, bitches.

 In March, I watched as my roommates committed to a beautiful forever together. It was also my first time as a bridesmaid, and holy cow are weddings a lot of work. I’ve always said I’ll have a tiny wedding, if not just elope, but holy hell the experience from the inside only solidified that in my mind.

 Spring came and went and I grew my hair longer and cut it short again, yearned for warmth and visited my sister in Florida & flew to visit Kris in his newly adopted city of Denver. This is also around the time where I went on a few Tinder dates (Lord, help me) and fell, soul-crushingly head over heels for a guy I met one fleeting day at work…

 I took Acid on a third date which resulted in it also being The Last Date, but it made me see text messages as bubbles and I battled a dragon trying to get money from and ATM and watched a Star Wars for the first time (and last time) and had an evening of bad, trippy sex. Nothing like hallucinogenics to make you realize you are not in sync with another person, lol.

 So it goes.

 I traveled Europe for two weeks with Ellie which was lovely and exhausting. I returned to my beloved Italy, which was huge for me, as I always wanted to go before it had been ten years since the last time I stepped foot in the first foreign country I ever visited. We got drunk in San Marco Square and listened to battling string quartets and fell in love with foreign men we were too afraid to talk to and I was old enough this time around to know not to order a Long Island iced tea from a bartender who barely understood English in the first place…

 We eventually, by some form of absolute witchcraft, caught a flight to the tiny Greek island of Santorini and legit lived in a cave house for five days. We walked all over that tiny island and I let the sea breeze cleanse my skin and my hair and my heart and my mind. We watched the sunset every evening as if it were a spectacle to behold (it was—it always is) and just really let ourselves tell time by nature, and how it made our bodies feel. It was really a humbling experience to be in a place that’s so, so small. Going to Athens (via a ten hour ferry ride, mind you) was a bit of culture shock after being so confined for so long. Being in one of the most Eastern cities in Europe, however, really just made my itching to go to the middle east even more dire.

 I had a rough summer in terms of mental health; I hate summer flying (& the debilitating crush I mentioned above seemingly saved me—for like a week—and then left just as fleetingly as it arrived and left me in a pretty low place. I still dream about the guy regularly; I had two separate one’s last night.)

 I started taking Xanax again. Because, well, life is hard and my roommate has a prescription.

 I got to explore the beautiful, beautiful part of Wyoming that is Yellowstone National Park and got to see the beautiful, beautiful human being my best friend is becoming in the process. For a few days we camped, explored, and just really took in nature—even a death storm that threatened to turn our tent into a boat—it was a beautiful experience and I’m glad Nicole has found a place to call her home surrounding her with such beautiful, expressive people.

 August came and with the promise of September on its heels, I started to feel like myself again. Virgo season always does it to me; it’s my polar opposite and therefore, my most compatible sign. Ellie and I got another round of impulsive tattoos; strawberries—a quote stolen from Shakespeare that really just became a euphemism for our friendship throughout the year. We went to riot fest and I saw New Order and cried and Paramore (for the first time since I was, like, nineteen… and while we’re in a side note, let me just mention how much After Laughter was very much the soundtrack to my year and I’m not ashamed to admit it) and Ellie cried and we just had a very fun few days in the hot Chicago heat.

 I chose to recover from this by getting yet another tattoo; my largest & most intricate to date, so that made for an interesting, but wonderful day. It’s also worth noting that I got it in the south side of Chicago so, like, if I ever go to prison at least I’ve got that going for me.

 I returned to Milwaukee and had a riotous night with my girls where I got hit on by two famous band members and it was like, the stuff dreams are made of. I know it’s silly to assign worth to someone’s fame, but you have someone hit on you who has, like, a million Instagram followers & songs in like fifty different movies and see how it makes you feel & then judge me. This also started my love affair with the lesser famous band member who I’ve now entered into some weird “see you around Chicago” love affair thing for the past few months where we both flirt and ignore each other simultaneously. It’s wild.

 I saw so many bands and cried to so many songs and discovered so many artists and felt all the things.

 Friendsgiving came, and Nicole came, & along with her came The Con X tour. Without getting too into it, that was a huge shifting point for me & 2017 in general. The Con was an album that saved my life both metaphorically & also, like, physically, and to be able to stand outside of the depression that nearly took my life ten years prior and say, loudly, “I am still here and I like my life and sort of like the person I am but I am also trying to become better each and every day and it’s all very much worth it” is beautiful and powerful thing.

 My mom and I spent a wonderful weekend in Vancouver, exploring the cold north and even got to go whale watching, which was, honestly, one of the most breathtaking, awe inspiring experiences I’ve ever taken part in. Nothing will make you feel as small as floating in a yellow zodiac in the middle of the ocean surrounded by six Orcas and a baby (but fucking huge!) humpback whale will. Nature does a good job of reminding us of just how insignificant we are.

 The holidays just passed and I forgot about two ex-lover’s birthdays until days after each had past. I’m a big fan of dates; so this, too, was a huge thing for me. My Saturn Return stressed me out for months, yet finally arrived, subtlety, yet very directly. I assigned all my turmoil the Mercury Retrograde and the moon’s rotation yet also tried to use that bad air as a way to propel myself further into becoming better in some odd way. 

I spent a week at home in Tampa and the past week here in Chicago and I’ve been reflective and passive towards the new year, which is new for me. I celebrated the end of one of my favorite years, Year of the Silver Star, seeing Twin Peaks at one of my favorite venues in the world. I’ve lately adopted such a deep, profound love for Chicago that I can’t say was always there. I’ve always loved it here; don’t get me wrong. But lately I’ve just got this overwhelming sense of pride about living here and the person it’s shaped me to be. I truly live in the greatest city in America; it’s such a quiet, best kept-secret and it’s all fucking mine.

 So, in saying goodbye, I realize I am also going to be mourning the death of a good friend to me—2017—in the process. There’s a certain amount of fear that comes after having such a good year. Can anything else compare? Where will I go from here? What does the future hold for my small, insignificant experience on this planet?

 At least David Bowie can’t die again.

 2018 has had a slow, humble start. I think that’s going to be the theme, though—slow and steady. I’m cautious because I’m aging (twenty-nine in a few weeks. twenty-fucking-nine!) but also because of my fear and understanding of Saturn Return. I was just becoming comfortable with impulsive kb, and am now being faced with a wise, considerate version of myself. I’m really trying to act thoughtfully & with reason.

 I will not invite toxic relationships, old or new, into my life. I will not settle for less than what I what, just because I am afraid to voice what I do want. I will not let anything stop my travel plans—and boy, do I have a lot of them for this year.

 I will move out of my apartment, my home for the last seven years, in four short months. I will turn a new leaf. I will (finally) graduate college. I will likely have bad sex. But, I will also have good sex. Really, really good sex. I can feel it; it’s vaginal intuition. I will visit India and bask in the beauty of the Taj Mahal and dream of a love so wild that someone might dream of building me something so grand in order to express their feelings for me some day. I will visit Australia and New Zealand, Iceland, China and who knows where else. I will continue to learn about myself, slowly, humbly, and try to embrace the woman I am and the one I want to become.

So, 2018, Year of the Stardust, I salute you and your intrinsic ability to control what’s next for me. I know it’s going to be a transitional year; that’s inevitable. But I will do my best to accept your place in my life with open arms and love. I will try every day to better understand my place in this world, and what’s next for me. I will continue to grow up. I will end my twenties with you!

 I eagerly await your lessons and turmoil, & burn sage in beginning you, officially, tonight. (After all, it’s a full moon and that feels more like a fresh start than some mortal-made calendar, anyways.)

Cheers to you, Stardust. May the crumbling of my Silver Star bring only beauty within you.

[boystownbirdie]

LMWTV4U: GOT S7E4

Welcome back to let me watch TV 4 u! I watch TV so you don’t have to!

Today let’s explore Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 4 titled: The Spoils of War. Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure that’s the name of a Clint Eastwood flick, no?

Today’s recap will be a quick one (due to my own time constraints, not for lack of DRAMA) so let’s go! 

First, we watch Jaime and Bronn marching away from Highgarden, fresh off of poisoning Gma Tyrell…

Bronn is like, why the long face bro? We know that Jaime is having #emotions about Gma Tyrell’s confession that she poisoned Joffrey. Jaime is like I CANT SAY. And he gives Bronn some cash money for his services. We get a shot of the giant truck of money which is important to the later scenes. Then Jaime tells Bronn and Sam’s Dad and Sam’s bro (lol his name is Dickon which is ironic because he is not really a dick but his dad sure is) to go collect the harvest from the local peeps.

Next, we stop in to see QPC talking to her banker friend in King’s Landing…

She mentions said truck o’ money and is like ITS COMING, DUDE. CHILL. And he’s like let’s discuss stocks and bonds. And then they have a discussion about investing. It’s kind of boring.

Next, we see Littlefinger giving Bran a knife…

Which is the knife that was used  to try to kill Bran waaaaaayyyy back in season 1. If you’ll recall in season 1 ep 1, Baby Bran saw Jaime and QPC boning and Jaime pushed him out of a tower causing him to be concussed and paraplegic but also gain some of his vision-abilities. While he was still concussed, QPC (we assume) sent someone to kill Bran to ensure he never told their secret. So Littlefinger (LF) gives Bran this knife and is like, let me know if I can be of any assistance. Then Bran quotes some OG LF (“Chaos isn’t a pit. It’s a ladder”) and LF is clearly freaked because this means Bran could also know about his betrayal of Ned Stark in season 1.

Meera comes in to check out Bran’s new wheelchair and to tell him she’s heading back home. Bran is like kewl bai. And she’s like srsly? I risked my life for your and my bro died for you. And he’s like I’m not Bran anymore, I’m the 3 eyed raven. I no longer have feelings.

Speaking of no feelings, we see our old pal Arya roll up at Winterfell and we feel ALL THE FEELS. She’s stopped at the gate by 2 very salty doormen who are like naw bitch, private club, members only. And she’s like I AM AN OG MEMBER OF THIS CLUB. After some cajoling, they let her in and she sits in Winterfell for the first time since she left back in Season 1 and then disappears. Was anyone else worried that she’d left? I was. But fear not.

The doormen go to Sansa and they’re like umm some bitch who says she’s your sis is here but now she’s gone? And Sansa’s like, I know where she went, TO THE CRYPTS! So Sansa goes downstairs and finds her sis and they reunite and hug and it’s adorable. It’s esp adorable since we know that IRL these actresses are besties but they haven’t had a scene together since S1, so to see their chemistry as real life friends play out is so sweet. Arya tells Sansa she’s just been bopping around killing people and Sansa is like LOL WUT? And Arya is like hahahaha jk. Did anyone else shed a single tear when A and S were discussing their past traumas and A says “Well, our stories aren’t over yet” ?!?!?! Cuz I shore did.  

Then they go to see Bran who is still being real creepy and #nofeelings. Sansa tries to warn Arya that Bran is a real bummer now, so Arya’s like hi bro, I haven’t seen you in a million years. And he’s like yes you were heading to King’s Landing to kill Cersei but changed your mind. And she’s like ummm, k? And Sansa helpfully tells her that Bran has “visions” now. But then Bran basically spills the beans that Arya was not JK-ing about being a trained assassin now. And Sansa is a little creeped. Then Bran gives Arya that same knife he got from LF cuz he’s like...  you know how to use it better than me.

Ladyknight sees Arya, Sansa, and Bran walking through Winterfell together and Pod, her squire (which is basically like an apprentice?) is like YOU DID IT YOU GOT BOTH GIRLS HOME SAFE. And Ladyknight is like naw it wasn’t me, but Pod is like take some credit, hun. And she’s like K thanks. Later, we watch Ladyknight and Pod sparring. Arya meets Ladyknight again and is like can I train with you? And they have a cute lil’ sparring scene in which Arya shows off her skills gathered over the past 7 seasons and Ladyknight is like WOWZA! Meanwhile, Sansa is watching and she seems kinda jelly? Or maybe she’s just nervous about her sis being an assassin? Sansa is watching this all with LF, and as they leave we’re reminded that Arya doesn’t like the looks of this guy.

Next, we stop in on Dragonstone, where things get HOT AND HEAVY

Khaleesi is heading to meet Bae and chatting with her hottie translator, Missandei (Missi) about Greyworm. Missi SPILLS THE TEA and is like we did EVERYTHING BUT. And is like it was goooooood. And Khaleesi is visibly shook but in the best way. They meet up with Bae who’s like lemme show you some caves. The last time Bae went into a cave with a beautiful lady, he lost his v-card so this has got us thinking. Khaleesi is like I’m not scared of Bae I’ll go alone. Bae shows her that he’s got enuf rocks for his rock collection (aka project to save everyone from the ice zombie army), but he’s like, there’s something else you should see. He shows her these cave paintings from children of the forest (CoF) who we basically like neanderthals in GoT-world. He’s like look, the CoF’s drew pics of them working TOGETHER with humans to defeat the ice zombies.

While he’s giving the tour, he touches her hand to guide her flashlight. AND IT IS SO HAWT I nearly exploded. He’s like, we must all work together to fight the ice zombies, and she says, “I will fight for you, I will  fight for the North.” But first you gotta #bowdownbitches. And he’s like ummmmmm can’t? And she’s like please, let’s work together. And they truly almost makeout right then and there it’s so hot.

When they emerge from their cave of sexual tension, Tyrion is there to tell her about recent battles. As you’ll recall from last week, things did not go as planned with taking over Casterly Rock, since Jaime diverted the army South to take Highgarden. Khaleesi is like I’m starting to wonder if you aren’t actually loyal to your bro and sis, Tyrion. Then she asks bae what to do. He’s like well just don’t use dragons to kill innocent people that’s what the bad guys do.

Next, no-knuckles (NK) and Bae have a discussion about Khaleesi. NK is like, she’s fly, no? And Bae is like “she has a good heart” and NK is like, boi you been checkin’ out more than her heart. They see good ole Missi who asks ‘bout Bae’s name “Jon Snow” and he has to explain it’s because he’s a bastard. They ask her about why she loves Khaleesi so much and she says it’s cuz they chose her as their leader and also knows she could leave if she wanted.

Next up, Previously-traumatized-Theon washes ashore. Bae is pissed at him because he betrayed his bro Robb Stark many seasons ago and killed some people in Winterfell, but Bae says he won’t kill PTT because he helped Sansa escape. PTT explains that he needs Khaleesi’s help to get sis back from their Uncle-Crazy-Pants, but Bae is like, umm…. Khaleesi is gone…

Which leads us to the last scene…

Bronn and Jaime are checking out the people farming that they discussed before. Bronn and Sam’s dad and bro confirm that they were able to collect grains/harvest etc… and Sam’s mean dad mentions that the gold is safely in King’s Landing. Sam’s mean dad (SMD) is like here’s a good idea to get things moving along, let’s flog the stragglers but Jaime is like ummm…..naw. Once SMD rides off, Jaime asks Sam’s Bro Dickon (SBD) how he feels about battles and SBD turns out to be a real sweetie pie just like his bro. He’s like I don’t love to kill people but I will if I have to.

All of the sudden, Jaime and co hear a rumbling far off. The skies are kind of gray and they’re on the wrong side of a hill so they can’t really tell what’s coming, but they #getinformation #beyonce and prep for battle. Then, a BILLION DOTHRAKI (the horse ppl who love Khaleesi) roll up on their horses, raring to fight. Jaime looks, frankly, spooked. His army is like ummm…wtf. AND THEN KHALEESI FLYS OVER ON A DRAGON OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!

Before the Dothraki ride their horses straight into the Lannister army, Khaleesi is like breathe fire, babe, and her dragon scorches a bunch of the Lannister fleet. Then the fighting really starts. It’s a lot of Dothraki really giving it to the straight-laced Lannister army who’ve never seen people fight like this before. And then a lot of Khaleesi telling her dragon to breathe fire and wiping out her enemy. IT IS BADASS and also Jaime looks positively terrified.

At one point, Jaime is saved by SBD during battle scene. Jaime tells Bronn to get the giant dragon-shooter-machine and Bronn is like no way, you do it. And Jaime’s like I GOT ONE HAND BRO, CAN’T (it’s very but-you-ain’t-got-no-legs-lieutenant-dan). It seems like Bronn is gonna just bounce, esp since he loses his gold, but instead he heads to the dragon shooter and gets it locked and loaded.

Meanwhile, Tyrion is watching this mayhem and he seems kinda sad. A Dothraki dude is like wow, your people are bad at fighting and Tyrion sees his Bro Jaime out there and seems remorseful. While Tyrion watches his bro struggle on the battlefield, Jamie also looks around at the destruction and fire and seems deeply sad as well.

But back to the battle, Bronn is firing away at the dragon with the giant-dragon-shooter. After some misses, he finally hits the dragon and successfully wounds him. In retaliation, the Dragon blows up dragon-killer-machine (Bronn narrowly escapes). Wounded, the dragon has to land on the shore and Khaleesi hops off to survey the damage to her baby boi. Jaime sees Khaleesi and is like, well, here’s my chance. He’s riding toward her on his horse and Tyrion sees this all and keeps saying, “flee you idiot” because, presumably, he doesn’t want to see either of these people killed.

Jaime rolls up, about to stab Khaeesi and it looks like it might happen when all of a sudden, the dragon brings his head around breathes fire directly at Jaime. At the same time, someone (it looks like Bronn) grabs Jaime and pulls him into the water to escape the fire blast. BUT THEN we just get a clip of Jaime sinking into the water and MAYBE DROWNING?!?!?!?!?!! OMG THIS EPISODE WAS AMAZING I AM GAGGED.

Let’s recap

Biggest surprise this ep: KHALEESI ROLLING UP ON A DRAGON!! Also, is Jaime dead?!?!?!?!

Biggest letdown: the cave of sexual tension was kind of a letdown but I think it’s happening people, I think it’s coming.

Important fashion moments: I’m loving the little getup Arya is wearing during her sparring match with Ladyknight. Also everything Khaleesi and Missi are wearing is #bomb.

Who died this ep? A bunch of Lannister army people, maybe SMD? Also a bunch of Dothraki too. And then the big Q- maybe Jaime?

Thanks for reading!!! Follow me on tumblr! Tell your friends!

Also, a disclaimer that I posted last week:

You might IDGAF this but just to lay it out there, I purposefully avoid all other recaps/reviews/think-pieces about the latest episode in the time between watching the ep and writing this recap. Sometimes I will hop on to the GoT wiki page to find out a character’s name or check a fact but mostly it’s just my own notes that I reference.

WHY AM I EVEN SAYING THIS? I often will read other recaps/reviews after writing and posting this one and I’m like OMG WE HAD THE SAME REACTION/ SAID THE SAME THING about a scene or a character. So I guess I just wanted to say that any similarities between this recap and any other recap are unintentional and coincidental.

I know what you’re thinking: PROVE IT. Well, much like Bae trying to prove the ice zombies are real, I can’t prove it, I can only state the facts and hope that my time-worn face and honest peepers will be enough :)

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs: week 31

brief reviews of the songs that debuted on the 8.9.1997, 8.11.2007, and 8.12.2017 editions of the billboard hot 100

8.9.1997

10) "Never Make a Promise," by Dru Hill

See, the thing about this R&B song in which a person makes an eternal promise that separates it from all the other dozens I've heard in the past couple of weeks is, goddamnit I was really hoping I would come up with a joke by the time I got to the conjunction, I figured, y'know, I'd get the ball rolling, get some momentum, y'know? If I started saying words in the cadence of a joke, I would get with the program and sort of involuntarily make a joke. I see now the folly in my ways. I should've been better prepared for 1997. I knew milquetoast R&B was in store. I dropped the ball on this one, and dropped it in such a way that it did not start rolling, to tie it back to a metaphor from earlier. I promise to do better. And uh, fun fact about me, I never make a promise I won't keep.

87) "Down for Yours," by Nastyboy Klick ft./Roger Troutman

Pitch the Auto-tune a little lower, put in a few of those drums what sound like a dude roiling his rs to imitate a machine gun, and this is a perfectly acceptable 2017 pop/rap song. I just wanna real quick address something: I know I said last week that every 1997 rapper, short Magoo, was better than the best 2017 rapper, but I was speaking in terms of pop/rap. Like, if you only go by what charted, which is a mistake for so... so many reasons, 1997 rap is better? But once -- I mean, the Kendrick and Jay albums were fire, but more importantly, you've got folks like Vince Staples and Brother Ali and Joey Bada$$ and Lupe Fiasco and SZA making awesome, challenging works that aren't gonna chart. These charts are at once a sample of music history and the poorest imaginable representation of music history. Anyhoo, I don't know what previously held the title of 'most innocuous song to throw Bob into an existential tailspin over the general utility of the YAS project,' but it belongs to this dumb sack of song now!

90) "Never, Never Gonna Give You Up," by Lisa Stansfield

Hey: if nothing else, clicking on this edition of YAS 7s should give you a fun and cool new way to Rickroll your friends. Add a meta layer to your Rickroll game. I know this isn't actually a comment on the song, because how could anyone be aware of memes in 1997? All these songs predate Hamsterdance. Someone should have told Lisa Stansfield there was already a song called this, though. Anyhoo, I'm not actually talking about these songs at all. They're boring! This is probably the most okay song so far, but I'm putting it out of my mind to think about a boring meme about a boring song.

92) "Drink, Swear, Steal, & Lie" by Michael Peterson

aw this guy's just a big ol' dork. i love him! ii love his dork ass song about how in love with his girl he is. this song has one joke and it's still a vastly more complex and well-written song than any pi[50,000 word treatise on bro country redacted]anyway, this dude's great. like, i'm a pop/punk main, y'know? i love dorky and earnest jams. this hits that button squarely, y'all. i'm so into this.

only publishing the 1997 top 20 because changes happen with the other two and i value consistency

20) "Step by Step," by Whitney Houston (3.15) 19) "Can We," by SWV ft./Missy Elliott (8.2) 18) "On and On," by Erykah Badu (1.25) 17) "I Want You," by Savage Garden (3.1) 16) "It Must Be Love," by Robin S. (5.24) 15) "Smokin' Me Out," by Warren G ft./Ronald Isley (6.21) 14) "Fix," by BLACKstreet ft./Ol' Dirty Bastard (8.2) 13) "Silent All These Years," by Tori Amos (3.22) 12) "What They Do," by The Roots (1.11) 11) "Step Into a World (Rapture's Delight)," by KRS-One (4.5) 10) "I'm Not Feeling You," by Yvette Michele (2.22) 9) "Bill," by Peggy Scott-Adams (3.29) 8) "Just Another Case," by CRU ft./Slick Rick (7.5) 7) "I'll Be," by Foxy Brown ft./Jay-Z (2.15) 6) "Felton St.," Leschea (6.14) 5) "Bitch," by Meredith Brooks (4.26) 4) "Mo Money, Mo Problems," by The Notorious B.I.G. ft./Puff Daddy & Mase (8.2) 3) "Return of the Mack," by Mark Morrison (3.1) 2) "Hypnotize," by The Notorious B.I.G. (4.26) 1) "Not Tonight (Ladies' Night Remix)," by Lil Kim ft./Angie Martinez, Left Eye, Da Brat & Missy Elliott (7.12)

8.11.2007

47) "Stronger," Kanye West

Graduation is such a goofy album because it has three of the best Kanye singles of all time, including what, let's be real, probably ends up as the best song from 2007, but it's also Kanye's worst and least interesting album. It's Kanye at a crossroads, stuck between being the pop/rap god and the morose Auto-tune sadlord who makes 808s and MBDTF. This song actually finds Kanye at the perfect point in the crossroads. He's still making a towering achievement for the mainstream, but he's breaking out of being chop up the soul Kanye, moving into electronic territory, developing his sound into that direction in a way that doesn't quite sound like MBDTF but sounds like the first step on that road. It'd be a bold experiment if it didn't absolutely work, and this is an amazing song by any objective measure.

65) "Cyclone," Baby Bash ft./T-Pain

Man maybe I just haven't noticed it yet or maybe I'm just coming down from the "Stronger" high, but I forgot how horrible the generic crunk beat was to listen to. It hasn't been quite so prevalent, but heck whoever gave this dude the Lil Jon MP3s. I will say that T-Pain making noises to describe what it feels like when a woman dips it low is the tiniest little miracle of a thing, but boy, is my life not better with this song in it. OK I just got to the part where T-Pain makes that noise three times in a row, this song is an achievement in Western art and culture and the world is saved.

83) "Love Me if You Can," Toby Keith

who the fuck listens to toby keith for the ballads like who is this for who thinks of this song when they think of toby keith no legit dude just make dumbass party jams i don't get why this would ever need to exist

84) "Take Me There," Rascal Flatts

Like legit why would you give "Love Me if You Can" to Toby Keith when Rascal Flatts is literally right there. Songs like "Love Me if You Can" and this treacly pile of love song are why you made Rascal Flatts in the first place. I also enjoy the twist this puts on The Country Song. I don't think anyone ever came to Rascal Flatts for Authentic Country Music, so them saying they want the girl to take them to Main Street and the backroads is actually kinda sweet. Like, they're not posturing, they're saying, "Yeah, we're clearly city softboys, but we wanna see the small town blue jean nights that made my girl." Rascal Flatts: generally inoffensive yet again! They just keep comin'!

89) "Proud of the House We Built," Brooks & Dunn

I like this song because it reminded me of The Wonder Years' "Teenage Parents," and I appreciate the opportunity to think about The Wonder Years. I dunno, country hasn't really been problematic this week! This song is almost good! It's just a nice look back on life. "Yeah, it kinda sucked, butcha know what, we made it." Maybe it could've acknowledged that the tough times sucked instead of looking back smiling and saying, "I wouldn't have it any other way?" Hard times suck, dude. I know you haven't heard that Paramore jam yet, but hard times suck and you shouldn't idealize them. Especially when, you know, you're a millionaire, and people who are actually going through hard times are listening to you and saying, "Welp, guess this is my station in life!" Hey Bob you're going on a treatise on the sociological implications of bro country, and you are actually unable to write that. Please write about JoBros.

92) "Hold On," Jonas Brothers

What a week for songs named after far more notable '80s jams! (Actually Wilson Phillips w)I LOOKED IT UP AND DECIDED I DIDN'T CARE anyway did anyone else forget that Jonas Brothers are like legit songwriters? Like, this is definitely as good as any Simple Plan song, and Simple Plan was like a decade older than these kids. Does Simple Plan make good music? That's beside the point, which is that Jonas Brothers was never garbage. They were always making highly enjoyable pop/rock songs for the whole family, and they were capable of making these songs from an extraordinarily young age. We could've done worse, is what I'm trying to get at. Like, we had it pretty got dang good with the JoBros, friends! There's a world where JoBros fades into semi-obscurity and makes highly enjoyable Christian rock with Hanson, and also no one ever makes "Jealous," and that's a pretty OK alternate reality, that one.

100) "Hood Nigga," Gorilla Zoe

The most optimistic sentence on Wikipedia is, "This is Gorilla Zoe's only top 40 hit on that chart, to date." This song ain't bad! It would've been a fine #1 in some of those weeks where the best song was like "Do it Just Like a Rock Star." He has this really fun and gruff voice, maybe a little laconic but certainly pleasant to put in the ears, the beat is, as the kids might have said in 2007, knockin', and we have certainly heard worse things! Also the radio edit replaces N with F and of all the letters to replace the N, F is easily the funniest, because now this song is about a dude who can't get enough figs in his life. Fuck Cristal, this dude's got a Fig Newton cabinet.

New #1 hype! 20) "Lip Gloss," by Lil Mama (6.9.2007) 19) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 18) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 17) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 16) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 15) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 14) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 13) "Never Again," by Kelly Clarkson (5.12.2007) 12) "Can't Tell Me Nothing," by Kanye West (6.16.2007) 11) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 10) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 9) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 8) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 7) "Misery Business," by Paramore (7.21.2007) 6) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 5) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 4) "Beautiful Flower," by India.Arie (6.16.2007) 3) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 2) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007) 1) "Stronger," by Kanye West (8.11.2007) Hey guess what the alt-country song doesn’t end up being Record of the Year 2017. Also I made a minor adjustment to #20 because Lil Mama is going to stay around as long as I feel I cannot bop her in good conscience.

8.12.2017

40) "Back to You," by Louis Tomlinson ft./Bebe Rexha & Digital Farm Animals

Huh, well, I think I mind this the least of all the One Direction side projects! I'm down for a duet, even if this is just a little too low-key to ever attain Iconic Duet status -- drunk folks and karaoke wanna shout about love, and while I'm sure they'll appreciate the "you fuck me... up" phrasing, you're not giving them a lot to work wth. I've never minded Bebe Rexha as little as I do here, and just like in his boyhood, Louis Tomlinson doesn't do anything to ruin everything. This was passable. I wouldn't mind hearing this again, I wouldn't mind if a thousand lives were lived before I heard it again.

61) "What's My Name," by China Anne McClain 81) "It's Goin' Down," Descendants 2 Cast

Listen. Am I upset that this young woman's villain song does not in any way hearken back to "Poor Unfortunate Souls" in any way? Of course. Am I 15 years aged out of the target market for this song? I mean fucking obviously, I knew we'd be treading in these waters eventually. These are fine generic pop songs, the only true flaw in any being the fact someone looked at purple-haired girl and said, "She should be in a rap battle. I think she could convincingly hold her own in a rap battle," like I'm sorry sweetie you have an abundance of other talents and zero bars. It's charming. It's charming! Listen. Am I ready for China Anne McClain to rule the world for five yet-to-be-determined years in the future? Yes. Do I love Captain Hook's gay son? I LOVE CAPTAIN HOOK'S GAY SON

77) "Issues," by Meek Mill 79) "Wins & Losses," by Meek Mill 83) "1942 Flows," by Meek Mill 96) "We Ball," by Meek Mill ft./Young Thug 97) "Fuck That Check Up," by Meek Mill ft./Lil Uzi Vert 99) "Heavy Heart," by Meek Mill

So if I'm rating the theme weeks of 2017: 1) Kendrick Week 2) Jay-Z Week 3) Future Week 4) Meek Mill Week 5) Migos Week 6) Ed Sheeran Week 7) Big Sean Week 8) Drake Week 9) Bryson Tiller Week I was honestly surprised by how much I enjoyed these songs. Like, I'm actually adding the Meek Mill album to the library for future listening. "1942 Flows" and "Wins & Losses" are legit, they're engaging songs and Meek Mill brings passion to them, and maybe I'm just unfamiliar with the rest of Meek Mill's catalogue, but I honestly didn't expect to be involved in these songs. This seems like a fine album with which to kill a summer bus ride or two. Like, I can't remember the last time I heard a song with a Young Thug feature where I wasn't paying more attention to what Young Thug was doing. Meek Mill did fine work. (Worth noting: Wins & Losses is 15 minutes longer than DAMN., and I am curious what makes Meek Mill think he has 15 minutes' more of worthwhile thought than Kendrick.)

91) "Imitadora," by Romeo Santos

It was "Heroe Favorito," right, where I said I might enjoy Romeo Santos' whole thing on another day, when I was ready to accept him into my life? WELL HOT DIGGITY, Y'ALL, 'CUZ TODAY'S THAT DAY. I love his breathy falsetto thing over this song way more, it just fits. I'm also in love with this track, this gentle Latin guitar with occasional blasts of indie platformer main menu music. I don't know a better term to express what I mean because I'm bad at music, but these synth blasts play in the intro and outro and occasionally come back and they just take this track to another level. This is just phenomenal work from someone I now understand to be a veteran in the scene from the past seven months of limited engagement with the world of Latin pop.

I changed the top of the 2017 Top 20 again. 20) "Bodak Yellow," by Cardi B (7.22) 19) "Woman," by Kesha ft./The Dap-Kings Horns (8.5) 18) "Smile," by Jay-Z ft./Gloria Carter (7.29) 17) "Love Galore," by SZA ft./Travis Scott (7.1) 16) "Bad Liar," by Selena Gomez (6.3) 15) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 14) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 13) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 12) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 11) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 10) "Strangers," by Halsey ft./Lauren Jauregui (6.17) 9) "Either Way," by Chris Stapleton (5.27) 8) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 7) "Imitadora," by Romeo Santos (8.12) 6) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 5) "Hard Times," by Paramore (5.13) 4) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 3) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 2) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) Like #1 should be a mix of Most Impactful Song and Song I Enjoyed Most, and maybe #1 justifiably belongs to “Despacito” given how great that is, I’m still getting a lot of mileage out of “Issues,” and honestly as long as I’m not keeping up this silly idea that a song that was #90 for one week is the most iconic song of the year this useless list has at least some utility. Shoutout to the true heroes Paramore, though. And also Major Lazer, PARTYNEXTDOOR, and Nicki Minaj. I will never fucking forget you guys.

Who won the week?

2017 actually put up a rather strong fight, but there was no way Meek Mill and the Descendants 2 soundtrack were going to take down “Stronger,” even when it was being weighed down with Toby Keith. 2007 had a couple strong punches, and it was more than able to notch another point. 2017: 11 1997: 11 2007: 9 In next week’s post, we get to listen to Spice Girls AND Billy Joel, 2007 gives us Luke Bryan AND Robin Thicke, and I don’t know what fresh hell 2017 has in store but evidently Tay Tay collaborated with B.O.B. at some point in the recent past and it’s gonna be real fun to deal with B.O.B. the popular musician should it come to that. What an unproblematic and unremarkable artist who has precisely zero bad opinions which he expresses loudly!

[deli-counter]

do all 155 questions you reblogged

you are a good person

1: Full name Delaney Quinn _____

2: Age 19 

3: 3 Fears Failure, elevators, my college 

4: 3 things I love biscuits, broad city, carpeted garages 

5: 4 turns on men sighing, intelligence, deep, low voices, people who take action immediately in bad situations 

6: 4 turns off arrogance/narcism, men who talk about cars a lot, flip flops, really strong perfumes and colognes 

7: My best friend Matthew!!!!

8: Sexual orientation Straight

9: My best first date Every single first date I have ever had has been utter shit in every way and I could explain but there’s no time nor drive to do this 

10: How tall am I 5′4″ - 5′5″ maybe?

11: What do I miss Bahn mi......i am paleo now and it sux but I do love complaining about it and seeming important for doing paleo 

12: What time were I born Like 12:15pm

13: Favourite color green!

14: Do I have a crush like 100 but none are realistic, accessible, or serious 

15: Favourite quote “From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity.” - Edvard Munch 

16: Favourite place honestly i love my bathroom i love pooping and workin on my best self 

17: Favourite food gnocchi

18: Do I use sarcasm yeah i think everyone does 

19: What am I listening to right now broad city dialogue 

20: First thing I notice in new person how they greet you/tone i guess

21: Shoe size 6 1/2 - 7

22: Eye color brown 

23: Hair color dark brown but the dye’s faded into just muddy brown with some red how interesting

24: Favourite style of clothing vintage 

25: Ever done a prank call? yeah 

27: Meaning behind my URL i do theatre and i’m pretentious 

28: Favourite movie The Help 

29: Favourite song ??? stupid ass question idk 

30: Favourite band ??? stupid ass question idk 

31: How I feel right now ??? stupid ass question idk 

32: Someone I love My sister!

33: My current relationship status Single 

34: My relationship with my parents really great tbh

35: Favourite holiday Halloween 

36: Tattoos and piercing i have none 

37: Tattoos and piercing i want i would like to get my ears pierced 

38: The reason I joined Tumblr to complain to my friend Jenna 

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? No

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? No

42: When did I last hold hands? Yikes who knows 

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? 45 min?

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? yep

45: Where am I right now? my room 

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? i’m taking care of someone else and i do not like drinking

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? depends 

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? when i’m not at college yeah

49: Am I excited for anything? i’m in spring awakening and we start rehearsals on saturday!!

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? yes my sweet sweet matthew 

51: How often do I wear a fake smile? as dramatic as this question is, so am I, and a lot  

52: When was the last time I hugged someone? today I hugged my beautiful and perfect sister 

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? that’s okay it was for a scene 

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? oh yeah 

55: What is something I disliked about today? this was the worst day in a while so a lot 

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? dave malloy 

57: What do I think about most? anxiety dude and currently what caused my ptsd 

58: What’s my strangest talent? ?? idk i do a great Viola Dais in The Help impression as risky and bad as that sounds 

59: Do I have any strange phobias? sure but mostly just elevators 

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? in front 

61: What was the last lie I told? great question

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? neither 

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? yes and yes 

64: Do I believe in magic? I believe in the power of God so sure that counts

65: Do I believe in luck? nah 

66: What’s the weather like right now? it’s like 67 rn 

67: What was the last book I’ve read? I ready mostly scripts now so idk 

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? no 

69: Do I have any nicknames? Squeaky, Del, Delami, Lane, Joanne, Jew, etc. 

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? I had like a kidney stone that sucked. Idk about injury. A chunk of my nose is missing due to skin strep I had as a child. 

71: Do I spend money or save it? Both

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue? If I help it up there yeah 

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? I have an old Lady Be Good postcard near me with some pink on it, and Sorcerer’s Stone is beside me and there’s some pink on that cover 

74: Favourite animal? Koala I think 

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? Sleepin maybe or playing Sims Freeplay 

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? None he’s got one name like Beyonce 

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? The Private and Intimate Life of the House from Great Comet 

78: How can you win my heart? Genuinely respect me 

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? “Rip it up”

80: What is my favorite word? I like cynosure a lot. Someone called me that once and it was always very special to me. 

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr rossgellerfanclub 5 times 

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? does anyone wanna pay for my college 

83: Do I have any relatives in jail? no

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? shapeshifting 

86: What is my current desktop picture? a pixelated ocean and sky it’s very cute 

88: Bought condoms? no

89: Gotten pregnant? no 

90: Failed a class? maybe? to be seen 

91: Kissed a boy? yes

92: Kissed a girl? yes for a scene at school 

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? no

94: Had job? define job 

95: Left the house without my wallet? yes

96: Bullied someone on the internet? no

97: Had sex in public? no

98: Played on a sports team? no

99: Smoked weed? no

100: Did drugs? no

101: Smoked cigarettes? no

102: Drank alcohol? a sip once or twice and it’s bad man i hate it 

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? paleo bitch!!!!

104: Been overweight? ya

105: Been underweight? no

106: Been to a wedding? yes several 

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? yes easily 

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? yes easily 

109: Been outside my home country? yes

110: Gotten my heart broken? no 

111: Been to a professional sports game? yes

112: Broken a bone? no

113: Cut myself? yes

114: Been to prom? yes

115: Been in airplane? yes

116: Fly by helicopter? no

117: What concerts have I been to? american idol but the season with carrie underwood 

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? no

119: Learned another language? like partial sure

120: Wore make up? yes

123: Dyed my hair? yes

124: Voted in a presidential election? yes

125: Rode in an ambulance? yes

126: Had a surgery? no

127: Met someone famous? yes! a few but i don’t feel like listing

128: Stalked someone on a social network? we all have

129: Peed outside? no

130: Been fishing? no

131: Helped with charity? yes

132: Been rejected by a crush? yes

133: Broken a mirror? no

134: What do I want for birthday? cash and a nice dinner and maybe a kiss!!

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? 2! i would like a boy and a girl. Names like Ezra and Porter and stuff idk 

136: Was I named after anyone? Elaine from Seinfeld, cause her nickname was Laney 

137: Do I like my handwriting? it’s alright yeah 

138: What was my favourite toy as a child? i loved barbies man and I had a lovely babydoll 

139: Favourite Tv Show? 30 Rock 

140: Where do I want to live when older? NYC then Chicago then somewhere weird like Vermont and then Germany 

141: Play any musical instrument? i used to play flute and a lil piano but now like nothing. trying to work a vocal looper tho 

142: One of my scars, how did I get it? cutting myself

143: Favourite pizza toping? caramelized onion and basil 

144: Am I afraid of the dark? yeah a bit 

145: Am I afraid of heights? yeah

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? i made a friend online when I was like 12 and did not tell my parents lol 

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? yes of course

148: What I’m really bad at dancing 

149: What my greatest achievements are surviving ptsd is pretty fkn cool 

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me not discussing that here 

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery pay off college, pay off my parents debt, donate to charity, buy myself some luxury apartments and a dog, some amazing food, get some good bras, see a ton of shows on broadway!!!!!

152: What do I like about myself persistence and humor 

153: My closest Tumblr friend jenna we don’t talk much anymore but I’ll always love that b 

154: Something I fantasize about being a greek goddess or in the center of a victorian love triangle quite honestly 

155: Any question you’d like? ------ N/A

THANKIE!!!!!!!

[outerspace-castaway]

just found out that there are people who hate taylor swift so much that they make videos on youtube explaining why they hate her.

so far I've only watched 3 and wow these girls know nothing about taylor but they hate her so much. I did rant in their video comment sections:

video 1:'why I hate taylor swift' channel: daniella

my rant:

 you literally say what you know about taylor is what the media portrays yet that set you off enough to make a video about her being a horrible, fake person. really? fucking really/ there are a lot of parody videos of taylor /fan made videos etc, and they have not been taken down. 1 famous youtubers video gets taken down and yall lose your shit. btw taylor's mgmt team is more than just her. taylor didnt have a guitar teacher. when she was about 11 a computer guy came over to fix her families computer before he left he taught her a few begginers chords then years laters trys to profit off of her name. taylor has a right to me pissed by that. taylor isnt the first or last celebrity to get thing copyrighted. kanye and beyonce for exaple have hunders of things copyrighted. also taylor isnt getting things copyrighted just bc, she's doing it so big companys cant used her image without her knowing. and ps she doesnt have any lyrics that say "party like its 1989" im guess youre getting that confused with prince's 1999, where he says 'lets party like its 1999' its called being HUMBLE do you not know the meaning of the word humble, i guess you dont, futhermore even tho taylor is surprised when she wins, she does not cry every time. and even if she did why does someone crying bother you? she literally wrote a message about why she took her music off spotify saying that "she doesnt need anymore money", she said she "has enough money to pay her dancers from her tour alone' she pointed out how smaller artist, like indepent artist dont get paid properly by spotify bc spotify takes most of the money for themselves, she also said music is art and art should be free.....adele too her music off spotify too, i'll be waiting for your video attacking adele... btw what your obsession with sticks being in asses? this video was pretty much just full of lies instead of going by the medias portrayal of a person how about try and look for the truth. who am i kinding you as well as everyone in the comments dont care about the truth do you? just sad and pathetic really.

 video 2: 'why I hate taylor swift' channel: july2ish

my rant:

 kim exposed taylor: taylor was not told "i made that bitch famous" she should clarified that was the lyric but she didnt lie --- omg you hate her bc she dated harry are you in 4th grade, he asked her out. "im about feminism" but you hate her for dating hs taylor doesnt like papa following her -- you hate her bc of her wealth --- dont people pay for spotify too???? -- she didnt sue fans they were sent ciest & disist letter until their copyright issues were straighted out --- the guy wasnt a guitar teacher he was a computer guy who came to the familys home and taught her a few chords before he left, and he wasnt sued -- she copyrighted a stylized version of the year 1989 that was made for her tour not the year or number 1989 here is who taylor swift sued: THAT GUY WHO SEXUAL ASSUALTED HER BY PUTTING HIS HAND UP HER SIRT AND ON HER ASS.

video 3: '6 reasons i hate taylor swift' channel: queen maryah watkins productions (comments were disabled so I left this on her channel)

1. her pr team didnt clarify which lyric she was offended by, she thought kanye was going to use "i made her famous" that is what taylor said in the video kim posted. kanye didnt tell her "i made that bitch famous" "perfessional victim" thats some bullshit. she writes aboutr her feeling, a majority of her songs are NOT about breakups but love songs. ps she isnt the only artist to write about break ups 2. taylor's dad invest in big machine records after she signed to the label. shes very talnted, she does work hard and she walked away from a record label who wanted to sign her because they would alway taylor to write her own music so she walk away then was discovered and signed by scott borschetta then her dad invested in big machine records

3. she doesnt have to dance, really why the hell does that matter? no her voice isnt like whitney or beyonce, its softer, she cant do big notes like they do that doesnt mean she can sing. shes a great guitar player why doent you actually watch her play and she plays multiple intruments well as fpr her lyrics she writers masterpieces, listen to something other than shake it off or wanegbt.

 and are you really saying you hate her because of her look and her fashion choices do you not hear how petty that is 4. calling out nicki is the ONLY time shes ever did anything like that. and are you seriously mad bc she gets excited for friends accomplishments? ed sheeran is her best friend. she didnt say she was looking forward to controversy, she said she was looking forward to telling people she knew about the song, not about wanting controversy from it. 5. "has not integrity for music.." she wants people to understand that music is art and should be treated as such, as for writing TIWYCF under a fake name, she and calvin agreed to do that together 'catfished, disillusioned, perplexed', are you fucking with me? swifties were excited when we found out taylor wrote it. you think she lies on her album credits bc of one fucking song? my god could you get anymore stupid? 6. im tired of this "greedy" bullshit. its a lie she didnt say she wants more money for youtube y\this is some bull you pulled out of you ass. she literally said in her apple music letter that she did not need anymore money. go fucking read the damn thing its on her tumblr page. i cannot tell you how pathetic and stupid you sound in this video, this video is filled with lies get a fucking life

video 4: 'rant why i hate taylor swift explicit' channel: lacye leuko

her pr team didnt clarify which lyric she was offended by, she thought kanye was going to use "i made her famous" that is what taylor said in the video kim posted. kanye didnt tell her "i made that bitch famous" therefore she did not have full compltee knowledge. kanye deserves shade but her point was to uplift young girls, something she been doing for years, she used kanye lie to her benefit

kanye is an ass who does & says bad things to many people dont act like he doesnt deserve to be shaded.

her rep leak the info, he should have informed first but why does that bother you?

taylor never confirmed bad blood is about katy, katy did that herself. taylor doesnt have a prolem with tina and amy she was just pissed about the joke.

she's not a snake the video proves kanye didnt say 'i made that bitch famous' the lyric she was told ' i made her famous'

nothing was wrong with selena defending her friend.

i cant believe how you and other taylor haters really dont want to see the truth about taylor.

a few etsy fans were sent Cease and desist orders because of copyright issues, there are still thousands a taylor swift fan artwork on etsy. if those copyright issues were fixed those fans art were probly put back on etsy.

the only female she is fueding with is katy and by that i mean, katy keeps findong ways to talk about her but she keeps her mouth shut about katy.

taylor swift: does charity work. ispires many young girls, is a great role model. you know nothing about how she influences her fans for the better. how she gives speeches and messages of positivity to her fans. you know nothing about the reall taylor swift, just tabloids and bullshit

// 'So, About Taylor Swift Getting Put On Blast... Watch white Feminism Work'

channel Sensei Aishitemasu // its a 33 minute video. this person wasted 33 mintues of their time to talk aout why they hate taylor (im definitely NOT going to watch that)

i still said something anyway: im not watching this video bc im sure its bullshit just like the others, but why did you waste 33 minutes of your time to bitch about a pop singer and her "white feminism" you hate taylor swift GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND GROW THE FUCK UP. and black people idk how this little white girl hurt you so damn much, I can say that be im black too and get bullied on twitter by other black ppl who are offended I like this white singer. she doesn't do the things you like, shhes not an activist, she writes breakup song songs, she cant sing like whitney, who tf cares? IGNORE HER!. change the channel, turn off the radio when shes on, don't pick up magazines with her face on them, stay off her twitter and instagram. just fucking leave her alone, its not that hard to do.

i just cant wrap my head around these people having so much hate for taylor. shes a good fuking person. no shes not perfect, yes she makes mistakes but for the ove of god there are worst people than her in the entertainment industry but shes treated like the devil

how does taylor have these people so easily pressed and bothered?

[barbienickiminaj-blog1]

Feeling myself Nicki Minaj ft. Beyonce

Yo B, they ready Let's go I'm feelin' myself, I'm feelin' myself I'm feelin' my, feelin' myself I'm feelin' myself, I'm feelin' my, feelin' my, feelin' myself I'm feelin' myself, I'm feelin' my, feelin' myself I'm feelin' myself, I'm feelin' my I'm with some hood girls lookin' back at it And a good girl in my tax bracket Got a black card that let Saks have it These Chanel bags is a bad habit I-I do balls, Dal Mavericks, my Maybach, black magnet Bitch, never left but I'm back at it And I'm feelin' myself, jack rabbit Feelin' myself, back off, cause I'm feelin' myself, jack off Heard he thinks about me when he whacks off Whacks on? Wax off National anthem hats off, then I curve that nigga, like a bad toss Lemme get a number 2, with some Mac sauce On The Run Tour, with my mask off I'm feelin' myself, I'm feelin' myself I'm feelin' my, feelin' myself I'm feelin' myself, I'm feelin' my, feelin' my, feelin' myself I'm feelin' myself, I'm feelin' my, feelin' myself I'm feelin' myself, I'm feelin' my Changed the game with that digital drop Know where you was when that digital popped I stopped the world Male or female, it make no difference I stop the world, world stop... Carry on Kitty on pink, pretty on fleek Pretty gang, always keep them niggas on geek Ridin' through Texas, fearin' for his breakfast Everytime I whip it, I be talkin' so reckless He said "Damn Nicki it's tight, " I say "Yeah nigga you right" He say "Damn, bae, you so little, but you be really takin' that pipe" I say "Yes daddy I do, gimme brain like NYU" I said "Teach me, nigga, teach me. All this learnin' here is by you" I'm whippin' that work, he diggin' that work I got it, tiny sips of that 36 of that real Hank full of that bounce baby Come get you some of that bounce baby I'm feelin' myself, I'm feelin' myself I'm feelin' my, feelin' myself I'm feelin' myself, I'm feelin' my, feelin' my, feelin' myself I'm feelin' myself, I'm feelin' my, feelin' myself I'm feelin' myself, I'm feelin' my Cookin' up the base, lookin' like a kilo He just wanna taste, buildin' up my ego Ego, ego, ego, ego, ego, ego, ego, ego Ridin' through Texas, smokin' all off Talkin' bout that high-grade, baby hold up I can heal your migraine Bitches ain't got punchlines or flow I have both and an empire also He gettin' gifts from Santa Claus at the North Pole Today I'm icy, but I'm prayin' for some more snow Let that ho ho, let that ho know, he in love with that coco Why these bitches don't never be learnin' You bitches will never get what I be earnin' I'm still gettin' plaques, from my records that's urban Ain't gotta rely on top 40 I am a rap legend, just go ask the kings of rap Who is the queen and things of that Nature, look at my finger, that is a glacier, hits like a lazer Trippin' on that work, trippin' off that purp Flippin' up my skirt and I be whippin' all that work Takin' trips with all them ki's, car keys got b's Stingin' with the Queen B and we be whippin' all that D Cause we dope girls we flawless, we the poster girls for all this We run around with them ballers, only real niggas on my call list I'm the big kahuna, go let them whores know Just on this song alone, bitch is on her fourth flow You like it don't you? Snitches! Young money

[rexylafemme]

this precious time when time is new

things come full circle all the time. ruben touched down in nyc on saturday. micah and i trekked to laguardia to get him, laughing on the way about how ridiculous we all were in the bay, how we bet our lil ruben looks more grown now, seasoned, hehe. the last time micah, ruben, and i were together was for the full pisces supermoon in late summer, september 2015--the night before micah would move back to nyc, our last full night at our house all together. a month before ruben would leave, two months before i would leave. this time, ruben arrived in time for the virgo full moon, pisces’ opposite, in late winter 2017, the coldest, snowiest week we’ve had.

that last night together in september, we drove to alameda beach armed with paper, some stones, herbs & flowers, gifts & letters from ex-whatevers & poem drafts to throw to the ocean, ruben’s signature drink: fireball whiskey (ew), a blunt, some candles, a mini speaker. all the trappings for a spell for letting go, for saying goodbye. bitch better have my money on in the car ride there, our heads hanging out the window, boisterous--our anthem for that year (/always), being broke, undervalued, and continuously doing too much work for too little or free, retail and retail and food service and gigs and workshops and unofficial art modeling and freelance writing and recording and plans that kept falling through. now we were in the home stretch. we laid down our blanket, we set out our herbs, our stones, our candles. we sat in a triangle, wrote silently for awhile: what we would surrender to the bay, what we would leave there, what we couldn’t keep or hold anymore. also, what new journeys we needed new strength for.

we went around and said some words about what we’d written, said some sentimental stuff about each other. poured out some fireball, passed it around til it was gone--so sickly sugary & spicy like melted/liquefied big red gum, coating yr mouth and throat. we stuffed our losses in the bottle and walked to the shoreline. we fumbled trying to figure out a way for all three of us to hold the bottle while we threw it, haha. the moon hung to the left of our viewscape, leaving a moving trail of yellow on the water as we watched the bottle bobble away. i walked into the water alone up to my waist--feeling grateful, trying to absolve myself of this place and all its failures, looking up at the moon and asking it my questions about what next and help and please don’t let us lose this. hearing micah and ruben laugh from the sand, smiling to myself with love for them, sighing and crying a little. no turning back now, can’t hold onto everything, nothing is forever, and then it was over, the night. tomorrow everything would be different. just one more chip off an already broken heart. 

“nothing’s changed!” micah exclaimed laughing as we stood propped against the subway doors on the Q train to brooklyn. ruben and i fake-fighting, the bates motel norma and norman faux-codependence theatrical game we’d play-- we all go a little mad sometimes, there’s a cord between our hearts, etc. the three of us hugging and giggling. after almost two hours of traveling from queens to flatbush, we wound up at micah and sharmin’s for game night. i was in the middle of a two-week marathon of insomnia and ptsd nights, so i was feeling raw/cranky/crazy/depleted/negative and was waiting for my affections to catch up with the present moment. ruben! friends! games! you don’t wanna go home and write by yourself, rex, you fool. it’s saturday night! but knowing when i’m like this, at night i get all weird & doubtful & dark, but reminding myself to just be myself, relax, remember what’s good, no pressure, if you need to leave, you can. and you might even enjoy yourself. and of course i didn’t wind up going home til 2am, spent and full, as suddenly the future hit--clocks springing ahead to 3am for daylight savings.

but before that, sharmin’s friends arrived trickle by trickle until there were about ten of us.  uno, jenga, slapjack, drinks, snacks, bullshit, taboo (team names: beyonce v. solange, and ruben and i were on the solange team, the weirder, low key underdog, and we won), stories, music, nintendo, laughter, newness, familiarity. it felt so nourishing to be in a room full of working class folks, folks from queens and bk, and ruben & micah: the two down suburban qts, home people--that easiness and fluency that comes with not having to explain yourself, everyone just getting it, breathing room & shared experiences.  micah and i trying to explain all the wild connections between the people in the bay and the people out here. how i met sharmin, tanya (& tres tho only briefly), and jesse through black brunch organizing in 2014 when i was visiting home from the bay. learning sharmin and jesse both were from my qnz hood and knew my childhood bff ro through other organizing avenues. jova and reuben knew sharmin, too, and tanya and tres, jova having told me tanya and i needed to know each other way before this meeting bc of our poor white femme nyc/nj lives. later, when i moved home and jova was so right about tanya and me, and someow tres & tanya had known micah round the way (?!?!?!). and before that, when micah first moved back to nyc, he called me to talk about some amazing femme he met at the club--something that never happens for us--being so enchanted or even pursued at the club (partially bc we never even bothered to go), and as he described her, i was like, “wait, is her name sharmin???” hehehe, clearly micah can’t get enough of catty witches from queens. explaining the connections between all the ex-friends-&-lovers, too--nyc, the bay-- disenchantments & the chaos and the relief that it was all over. happy to be laughing about it now. ending stories. we have no past, we won’t reach back; keep with me forward all through the night.

origin stories. apparently, the first night ruben moved into our 668 apartment, micah and i were hosting a big party. i laughed and apologized retroactively, but it so sums up where we were at at the time. ruben said it helped him integrate tho, he felt welcomed and i remember being so thrilled to introduce him to everyone. realizing how much the three of us got each other through those two years--all the drama, all the marches, the confusion, blowouts, heartbreaks, housing scares, bad jobs, the nights, the mornings--waking up with glitter on our faces, splayed eyeliner, party carnage, or just waking up to work & life fatigue, big breakfasts, sitting in the sun on our stoop year-round. so much we shared and still a lot of room for things we couldn’t say and didn’t have to. but, how home the three of of us felt to each other then, and now, and how we extended that sense of home to others--sometimes guests sleeping over in every room of the house except the kitchen, our place a safe zone on march routes, multiple sets of people staying with us through rocky times, the big meals we’d host when i was working at  farmers’ markets & the spice shop simultaneously, pooper cat game nights, the trigger warning performance series + parties we threw out of the house. talya called our place the gay frat house (tho i have to say in defense that it was quite clean). leo sun/leo rising/leo moon trio. so familiar, so sweet, so effortless, so open. our little clubhouse, our little family. remembering is good if you don’t let it be the fear in you.

i think we felt lacking then, i think we felt we couldn’t get our footing or find somewhere where we belonged-- but looking back, we created what we didn’t have and we invited other people into it. all the adult misfits. we got burned by being open indiscriminately and it made us shrinking violets by the end, but we’re blooming again now. riding that bloom wave.

at one point the other night, i overheard sharmin say to a friend, “aren’t they so cute? they’re such teen boys over there.” as we were sitting in a corner doing our thing. and that was always true of our vibe-- our bond full of youthful, long-lost brother feels. but, soft, feminine boys, & sometimes we’re not boys at all. 668 40th st, living one up from hell, we’d joke, which maybe is what gifted us that mythical queer fountain-of-youth gene where we look 17 forever. young leos. after long days of work + grad school madness (me) or undergrad madness (ruben), in between assignments, projects, art, meetings, shifts, we were always watching movies from our childhoods, making forts, running around in our underwear, making art on the floor in the living room, doing drag, playing board games, talking shit, pushing each other around and wrestling and cuddling and teasing each other, holding hands and being protective of each other when we had to. our intimacy--so easy & necessary & good & a balm from the bad intimacies we got lost in at times. we grew together: we all taught each other things and challenged each other, especially through our differences. bb ruben had never met a trans person before and micah and i were like “well, here we are!” and both of us so different in our trans-ness. we were all so inviting & open to excavating each other so we could be better at honoring who we all were.

and in new york now, finally living here on my own terms, regardless of the obstacles: housing scares and failures, the last of the bad intimacies (i hope), and family, i am thinking of who i was before. the sense of un-belonging that’s had me leaving new york over and over, the pain of lineage that had me craving escape, craving to be someone else, craving to leave them all behind. while simultaneously always trying to make sense of the people i come from so i could make sense of myself: the grief i never let go of, the contradictions, the violence and the nourishment of us. how all of this and my own self within it--freakish, theatrical, full of shadows, so of them & yet so so other--had me always searching. the people, the others: i was always looking for and the ones i always found. there were the inexplicably lovable yet destructive ones who reified all of the patterns in me i was always trying to leave behind, and then i finally did. bye. and then all the people who were so new; whose influence, paired with my own, allowed us to make something from nothing-- magic, create beauty from old tragedies, whether we spoke of them or not. cosmic people, like ruben and micah, the pretty, sweet boys. boys who weren’t afraid to cry or to touch or to admit to love and fear and failure and wanting. and the three of us, whoever we are and will be, knowing our love was/is strong enough to withhold our leaving, being apart, and all of the transformations that would flush out of walking away, of change. that there would always be a road back. paths that cross will cross again!

and ruben is still here until saturday, so my sentimentality is running away with me. blame it on my wild heart. hehe.

[finderskeepersff]

39. Part 4

Jasmine looked at me in shock “but why though?” I couldn’t help but kind of laugh “because” Leyton walked over to us “I need to pee” nodding my head “go and pee then” taking his backpack from him “he will be handsome when he grows up but why the fuck are we going Greyhound? Bitch what?” turning to Jasmine “so if you can see in my hand I have a duffle bag, in that duffle bag I took Cassius money” Jasmine gasped “so I don’t want to be questioned, I rather go the long way and besides. I guess it will be fine” Jasmine stared at me all wide eyed “you took that money? Like that money, the you know money?” nodding my had, she gasped again “you took the money, oh my god. That is thousands, oh shit. Oh now I am nervous. Sofia!” Jasmine is scared for nothing “just trust me, it’s better off this way. And besides it will be fun” Jasmine sighed out all wide eyed “this is deep but fun, wow. So we can spend that” I smiled at her “let’s have fun” there is so much money that it makes me sweat “oh girl, he is going to be so shook when he wakes up. But you pregnant, all that journey is not good” Leyton ran back over to us “there is a lot of breaks, it’s fine. I rather be anywhere than be near him. Ok so you done? You want to get some snacks and whatever? Hold your shit” passing him his backpack back to him “Leyton, do not walk off like that. I have no phone either” he put his backpack on “I won’t” he walked off again “where is your phone bitch?” Jasmine doesn’t know half it “well I left it with your brother” Jasmine gasped again “he will harass me now” I knew that “also, I left him a nice note, I hope he likes Beyonce” I sniggered walking off to get some snacks for myself.

I shot up in bed out of breath, wiping the sweat from my forehead “fuck” I said to myself as I laid back on the bed, that must have been a bad dream. Wiping the sweat from my forehead again and then resting my arm out. She still won’t sleep in a bed with me, I won’t really do shit with her if she thinks that but it is what it is. Kicking the covers off of me, I have more pressing issues like that hit in Atlanta happening. Getting up out of bed and sitting on the edge of the bed sighing out, I have really sweated out. Wiping my face reaching over to grab my phone, grabbing my phone and bringing it into my eye-view “huh” I said confused staring down at this phone, this is not mine. Looking at the side table seeing two stacks of money “the fuck” grabbing the money from the side, I froze seeing the engagement ring and a note. Looking back at the phone and then at the ring, placing the money on the bed and the phone. Grabbing the note from the side, opening the note up and a picture fell out of. Reaching down and picking the picture up from the floor, turning it around seeing the scan picture of my son. I swallowed hard placing it at the side of me, reading the note.

By the time you’re reading this I am gone, you should be glad I wasted my time writing this but I did. I am leaving you, I don’t want you, I don’t want your money, oh wait. I do. I took your money, hopefully those stacks is a thank you and will last you until you get the next call for money.

Looking behind me, I shot up out of bed throwing the letter on the floor and rushing to the corner of my room “bitch!” she took the money, I know she better not have fucking left me. Grabbing my sweatpants from the floor, quickly putting them on and dragging the door open. Running down the steps, she took the money. I needed that fucking money, running down the second pair of steps “move” I said to Bryce and rushed into the living room “Sofia, I know you better be here” walking into the living room “she ain’t here” my dad said ever so calmly “you what?” I said to him “Sofia gone boy, and Jasmine. They gone to Atlanta” grabbing the paper from out of his hands “you better be fucking wrong” throwing it at him before walking off. Running up the stairs, I know she didn’t leave me. Running to Jasmine’ room, trying to open it “who the fuck put locks in this house” stepping back before kicking the door, it didn’t move “Cassius, stop it” my mom said behind me, kicking at the door again before it even moved to open. Pushing open the broken door, looking around the bedroom. She has gone, she has taken her make up so she has really gone because Jasmine won’t leave without that. Looking on the bed seeing my hoodie on the bed, this is mine and Sofia would wear that “Cassius” my mom coyly walked into the bedroom “where is she? You know, I know you know!” I pointed at her “I just know they have gone to Atlanta, they left this morning. Early morning” walking closer to my mom “and you fucking knew? All this time you was plotting? She fucking took my sister with her and my money!” punching the door “get out of my way!” I spat, my mom moved to the side.

Pressing my phone to my ear as it rang out, I know she ain’t doing this right now “what’s up?” Kyle took his damn time with picking his phone up “I want you to go to my home, Sofia should be there. Find out, she fucking took my money and then when you see her get that money from her!” I am so angry and then she leaves me “woah, woah, woah! What has happened?” Kyle said “she left me and then took my money!” the phone line went quiet “did she find out what you did to her dad?” kissing my teeth “fucking no! Just find out and fucking call me, she should be there!” disconnecting the call, why don’t niggas listen. I have a hit going on there and she is fucking there “fuck!” throwing my phone on the floor, rubbing my face. I know she didn’t do this to me, I am so fucking angry right now. Seeing the note on the floor, picking it up. Let me finish this shit.

I’ll be in Atlanta or whatever, but I just want you to know that this is not a joke. Every word that came out of your mouth to me will be the reason why you will be crying and not me, you would think I should have been stronger towards my mother but I loved you, I love you so much that I gave myself to you. You know what Cassius like Beyonce says I will be far away, I'm far away but I ain't fucking with nobody and trust me when I say that me and my baby, we going to be alright, we going to live a good life. You will only want me when I'm not there and if you want your dick sucked you better call my cousin. You will always get second best, Bye Cassius.

Screwing the paper up, she left me “are you calm yet?” looking up at my mother “I feel sorry for any nigga that gets in my way, I am going to kill. You are liar, I fucking hate liars and you are lying to my face. You fucking knew she was leaving me, you’re my mother! Are you stupid?” what is wrong with her “you need to see how you are being Cassius, it’s not nice. Jasmine told me she slapped you and you gripped her arm, this is not a life. She is pregnant Cassius” my mom is irritating me “you know what, you fucking give me the money you have! Now, that is my money, you fucking piss me off and lie to me behind my back. Get out of my room” I am so angry, when I know she is there then I am going to Atlanta and sorting her out, she is being stupid for no reason.

My mom glared at me, she is angry with me “you always break this house, you always fucking do it” I trashed my room but I needed to get my anger out “Kyle” answering the phone “there is no Sofia here, I have been watching and waiting for over four hours now. Nothing” disconnecting the call, looking at my mom “where is she, where the fuck is Sofia! Where is she with my fucking money!” I shouted “shout at me again, boy you better not shout at me again Cassius. Ask me nicely” I swear to god she tests me, I paused for a moment “where is Sofia?” I asked nicely “I don’t know now shut up” I fucking knew she was going to do that, fucking Jasmine has her phone. Tapping on my contacts, scrolling down to Jasmine and tapping her name “this is on you, if she doesn’t answer I will be fucking killing someone” Josiah sighed out, pressing the phone to my ear as it rang out “she left you because you was acting like a big man and you now want to kill us” slapping the back of his head “the bitch isn’t picking up, I want that money from you. I want all three million from you!” I pointed at my mom, she is walking with my money.

“He is a grown man, I can’t control him” hearing my dad say “you damn right, I will beat your ass too. You made this, you wanted this and here I am now fucking get me my money back. Jasmine, where is she because if I find her” I will end up doing something I regret “you have been so engrossed in your money that you have lost something so priceless Cassius, while you have been banging things, shouting abuse at everyone. Scaring Bryce that he is crying and Josiah had to take him out, you are acting so blind sided by money that you have lost your son and you are in denial Cassius. You think about that money, that is all you will see. I am a bad guy Cassius but I heard all of your first cries now you will get that money back but you won’t get that moment back” my dad said to me “shut the fuck up” I walked off, I don’t need someone like him preaching to me when he fucked me up “you’re a shit person, and you talking to me about love and shit, fuck you!” walking back up the steps, she told me to go to Celine “I will make everyone in this house cry, you better get your fucking daughter on that phone now!” I shouted, I am going to kill Jasmine.

Staring down at the scan picture Sofia left me, placing the photo to the side of me and grabbing Sofia’ phonee. The fact I don’t know where they gone, either of them but I know my mom does. Maybe there is clues on her phone, tapping in the password and it unlocked just like that. With the way Mia and her friends are speaking in the group chat, they do not know where she is. I have been seeing the pop ups that come up, tapping on her messages and then seeing that she has been texting Jasmine. Tapping the messages, scrolling down a little “sorry that happened to you, I did think he was going to harm you” I read out to myself what my sister wrote “I think he was close, I don’t know what stopped him but don’t be sorry. I will sleep in the bed with you, will wait until he has gone to sleep or has gone. He is staring at me” Sofia wrote and that is it, not a single clue. My burner phone started ringing, unknown number too but I answered “yo” placing Sofia’ phone down at the side of me “we outside, we need to do clean up and some meetings. Them Latino’s are after your blood” Wheezy said “coming” disconnecting the call, I have had such a bad day that my enemies are going to beg me for forgiveness cause they going to get it.

“Oh wow mom, that is really going to make me want to come home, that is not cool at all. Can’t you control him?” Jasmine said at the side of me, clearly speaking to her mom. Cassius has done nothing but call her phone, maybe I should have kept Jasmine out of this “I will and mom, just please be careful with him. He will get over it” I have not let go of this duffle bag and I can’t, it’s just not something I want to let go and lose “well Cassius wants to kill me, not even you. Me” looking over at Jasmine “that bad?” I said, she nodded her head “he is making everyone’s life hell, trashing things. He’s worked out that you’re not going Atlanta, yay?” I had to laugh “he’s kicked off saying about what you took, my mom said he’s very much in denial about things and is obsessing over something else. She said he has screwed the note up several times and threw it, he keeps reading it and then getting angry at it. We’re ok, nobody knows but what did you put in the note? Why didn’t you show me” laughing at myself “I find myself funny, don’t mind me” I just knew that his money would get to him “you know when I said Beyonce, I quoted lyrics from Sorry to his ass” Jasmine gasped “you keep shocking me Sofia, oh my god please tell me you quoted the last verse?” nodding my head “of course I did” I laughed “we should so do a video of you singing now you wanna say you're sorry, now you wanna call me crying. Oh my gosh! This is hilarious, I mean yeah that would piss any guy off” I couldn’t help myself doing that “I ain’t sorry” I said looking out of the window.

I thank god for these breaks, cause that enclosure of that bus is not doing it. I need to stretch my legs out “please tell me we are catching a flight back?” Jasmine walked back with Leyton “we will be, promise. You look so sleepy” touching Leyton’ face “just a little, Jasmine keeps saying I will be handsome when I grow up” I chuckled “you will be, but you will be a good boy. I want you to be better than me, or anyone for that matter. I know you can do it” I will try my best to make sure he does “he can be whoever he wants to be, he got a dope sister. Like you lucky to have her, I wish I had a sister. Living with boys is not good” Jasmine said “how come Cassius didn’t come?” Leyton had to ask “he is busy, he couldn’t come” I don’t want him to know my issues “that is not good, Sofia. Why can’t I live closer to you, I can’t see you when you’re in Atlanta?” shaking my head “I can’t look after you, auntie said she will and that is what you do. You go school, and you can then stay over at the home” I refuse to have Leyton be another problem for me.