#as i am writing these tags my dad is being a dickhead once more to my mum

[violetsystems]

#personal

I've been thinking about writing again mostly for clarity and getting things out of my head. I've spent the last few days silent for the most part aside from grunts, farts, and loud burps. I spend a lot of time alone and yet I live in the heart of a city. The time I do spend lately has been the same old shit really. Applying for jobs is a daily thing for the most part. You get a rejection letter from Lucasfilm the day after you finish Dial of Destiny and it's no Temple of Doom moment really. I'm used to the rejection and the loneliness of it all. And succumbing to that would be a failure in and of itself. So in the spaces between where things aren't working life goes on. For all the hushed glances from the corners when you leave to check your mail, there's a sort of worse form of desperation projected at me than from within. I see people I once knew glowing up around the world. They've come a long way from train wrecking the tag team dj sets we used to share in dirty basements. But I'm sure they secretly somewhere in the back of their mind feel one day they'll be found out. That's kind of the opposite for me. If somehow one day someone found out all the stuff about me people refused to tell them it would only reiterate what I write down here. And in that respect you star to learn that it cannot rain forever. Just like you can't really expect to feel good forever at the expense of a lie. Or at least a lie that relies on other lies to sustain itself. The narrative I hold these days is pretty simple if people would just ask me. And yet there's this hidden power that nobody asks. Nobody clarifies. They hint sure. Sometimes they even project the fear into me as if I really had the luxury to be afraid of anything at my age. My birthday is coming up. About my only plans were a train to the suburbs to have a lunch of Italian beef with my dad. He's more excited about celebrating it than I am. At his age, the jokes about being old feel more at my expense than his. And yet we're living in this time where people only get younger and older and everything in between is a hot mess. People are so desperate to fit into something that they forget about growing into themselves. And I've been here regardless doing my thing like forever now. What really has changed much other than the broken record of me saying the same old shit.

As negative as I feel about other people, I still enjoy things a lot more than I used to. I recognize talking to myself about the world's problems never solves anything. It just makes me upset. I'm sure I'd be way more upset if I still had forward facing social media to complain with the group. I use LinkedIn to find a job. And honestly, I'm not sure it is very successful for that. Sure the crown prince of a Middle Eastern country will sometimes celebrate your comment about sobriety here and there. But I'm not sure how much that really translates to a successful job search. If anything there are these occasional above world realizations that I am not indeed a fucking ghost. That regardless of what a bunch of losers I used to hang out with think, I still am my own person and life goes on. I've travelled around the world by myself and generally been able to make friends at a moment's notice. But my real friends are in the traditional cyberpunk sense amorphously underground in a sea of names, handles, and content. I appreciate that. I love it as much as I would love a dear friend. And the scariest thing to me culturally is understanding that this is way the digital world is now. You watch people trying to perform the same function on Instagram with a series of fake accounts, bar star dickheads, and forum trolls. What you do with a simple heart here on Tumblr is replaced with the same crying emoji four times over. However distant people think of contact on the internet has become, I still value a click on my dash here more than most things. I still live by the fact that what is cool is defined by people who actually have a quantifiable data set that I trust. I still understand that explaining it in three paragraphs now and again instead of every week still hits where it counts. I don't really fuck around with mainstream society. I never have. And most of the people who claimed to be underground and edgy are now trying to play rock festivals hosted by cults and military psyops. Maybe that's a little edgy for me to say. But I'd still rather work at a felafel place than trying to be seen in a maze of drink tickets, drugs, and bad credit card debt.

However over it all nostalgically I am, there's something else rising from the much lately in America that's worse. Getting a job shouldn't be a popularity contest at this point. I'm not old enough to claim age discrimination which is something to celebrate. My dad is technically still working. Since no one will ever be able to afford a house or retire then it really reiterates the point that everyone gets time stretched in the middle. Class included. I'm mentally very different enough from people to be avoided at all costs in conversation. I realize I've intimidated people over time through isolation. But now I don't smile enough for the camera. I don't have a video resume. I don't have an active TikTok account as an adult which I think is batshit crazy. I don't go out to the bar and network over the sports game. I try to interact with cybersecurity contractors who work for DARPA only to be shadow banned by a secret cadre of giga chads who troll as part of their job description for the US military. I read about how horrible the Chinese economy is and wonder how much of that propaganda in the news media owned by five corporations in America is simply racism. I get bullied into thinking America is all there is when my passport says otherwise. I've always been talked over. This is why I still take the time to write it all down here. But the imposter syndrome is like a cliff. At some point what I'm dealing with now is just as cutting edge as everything I've gone through. Six months from now everything I complained about people will be wailing to the sky. And I start to wonder if going through all this is just part of regular growth. It isn't like I haven't learned to budget better. Make better decisions about the future. Lift weights every day and practice kung fu. Communicate with the common man through the litter they leave behind. Watch shitty movies with flute scores and revel in anime I never got the chance to pay attention to fully. Hang out with my friends anonymously on the internet while people on crack make up conspiracy theories on some forum about what I'm really doing. It is funny to me in some ways that I am living the William Gibson novel that even William Gibson refuses to write. A future where we fail and make up for lost time by accepting life instead of wasting it. That's love. And if anything I've learned to love unconditionally in a very real way. So much so that it's hard to stomach how fake every other sentiment is right now. That's what solitude and writing is for. <3 Tim

[athina-blaine]

“But squid is good, right? Want to get the calamari as a start?”

“Yeah, squid’s okay.” Mia’s phone buzzed and she glanced at it. She sighed, a sound that spoke of endless suffering. “But I think I’d rather have the cobb salad.”

“Is that your dad? What, is the squid going to give us food poisoning?”

“Yeah.”

Natalie laughed, but Mia hadn’t looked up from her menu.

-

Natalie Wilson just wanted her date to go well.

For @there-is-no-right-way​

Chapters: 1/1 [Complete]

Words: 3,505

Tags:  POV Outsider, Parenthood, Fluff and Humor, Dating, Cryptid Dads Cramping Their Teenage Daughter's Style

~

Taking one last moment to fix her hair in the mirror, Natalie leaned back in her car seat with a haggard sigh.

It was just dinner and a movie. Her and Mia literally ate at a Red Lobster and watched the new Magician’s Crescendo just last week. This was the same thing.

She pressed her face into the steering wheel.

Except that it wasn’t.

They were girlfriends now.

It wasn’t the same thing at all.

Without giving herself time to put the car in reverse and speed into the nearby pond, she shouldered the door open.

Relax. This was Mia they were talking about. Even if the date ended in Natalie absolutely humiliating herself, Mia would just take it all in with that adorable, secret smile of hers. They’d be fine. Their friendship would be fine. It’s fine. Natalie was fine.

She pressed the doorbell, trying to focus on its pleasant chiming as opposed to the panicked dance of her heart. The door opened and Mr. Sims was there.

“Right on time, Miss Wilson.”

Some of the stiffness left her shoulders. Miss Wilson. So posh. Pip pip tickety whatsit, and so on. A hoot and a half.

Mr. Sims smirked, and a heat rose to her face. Was she being obvious?

“Is, uh, Mia ready?”

“Just about. I believe she’s finishing up her hair. Come in.”

Mr. Sims led them through their tidy living room and into the kitchen where Mr. Blackwood was crouching over a pan. Looked like fish. The smell of garlic and spices wafted over her and her mouth watered. Man, she was starving. 

“Smells good, Mr. B.”

Mr. Blackwood looked up from the pan and smiled. “Thank you.” Lowering the heat of the stove, he turned towards them, wiping his hands on his apron. “You look beautiful tonight.”

“Aw.” She futzed with her short black skirt, which still had traces of cat hair, despite her efforts with the lint roller. “Thanks. The earrings are my mom’s, though. She’s letting me borrow them.”

“It suits you, love.”

Mr. Sims nodded his agreement. “Your mother was telling us about your violinist audition. How did that go?”

“Oh, man.” Her fingers had gotten completely tangled in the last bar and when the scout had said, Good luck on your performance, she had said, Thanks, you too. “I think it went okay. I don’t know, the scout was kind of standoffish. I don’t think she like the song I played.”

“You did fine. She was just battling a bout of indigestion.”

Natalie chuckled, but Mr. Sims’ expression didn’t change. He did that a lot, actually. Just saying these strange things, confident in stuff he shouldn’t be confident in. Perhaps it was just an unusual style of British humor?

Mr. Blackwood nudged his husband’s side.

“Go check on Mia, Jon. She won’t want to keep her date waiting.”

Thoughts of Mr. Sims’ oddities fled her head. Her date. That was Natalie, Natalie was Mia’s date. They were talking about Natalie and Mia. And their date. Their date.

She was so absorbed in the comment that she only somewhat processed the look Mr. Blackwood gave his husband. Something akin to the look her mom gave her when she rambled on too long about her true crime podcasts. Mr. Sims scrubbed the back of his head, the closest she’d ever seen him to looking sheepish, before making his way up the stairs.

Natalie prepared herself for more small talk with Mr. Blackwood, but there was a thumping sound, a yelp, and a moment later, Mia came charging down the stairs.

“I’m so sorry!”

Natalie was incapable of responding at first. Mia had curled her soft brown hair into ringlets and her eyes sparkled. She was wearing the necklace Natalie had gotten her for her birthday last year.

“So,” said Mr. Blackwood, “dinner and a movie, is it?”

“Yep,” Mia said as she rounded the corner, throwing her arm around Natalie’s shoulder. Natalie’s stomach swooped.

“Yeah, uh, we’re going to see that new Haunting’s Row movie.”

“Sounds like fun. Did I ever tell you where my husband took us on our first date?”

“Dad.”

“A library. And not even to the parts where everyone went to make out.”

“Dad.”

Mr. Blackwood laughed, either not noticing or choosing to ignore his husband’s scowl. “Well, you two have fun. Try not to stay out too late.”

“We won’t,” said Mia, herding Natalie towards the door. As Natalie walked down the drive towards her car, though, Mia turned to her fathers in the doorway.

“Be cool tonight, okay?” she said, her voice low. “Especially you.”

“Why especially me?” Mr. Sims asked. The glare he received from both his daughter and husband was enough to scorch Natalie ten feet away.

“I’ll make sure he behaves,” Mr. Blackwood said, clapping a hand on his husband’s shoulder. “Have fun, sweetie.”

Mia pouted scornfully for good measure, before leaning up to plant a kiss on both their cheeks and turning with a wave. The two of them loaded into the car and Natalie flipped on her selected playlist for the evening before backing out of the driveway.

“Oh, I love this song,” Mia said, and Natalia flushed at the praise, having carefully curated this playlist over the course of the last five days. Everything had to be exactly right, after all.

 “So,” Natalie started once they reached the highway. “I was thinking of that Thai place over on Victoria and 8th. What do you think?”

Mia was about to answer, but her phone dinged.

“Oh, just a sec.” Her phone clicked at she unlocked it. In the corner of Natalie’s eyes, she could see Mia’s nose scrunch, just a bit, the way it did whenever she was irritated.

“That your old man?”

Mia put her phone away with a sniff. “Yeah.”

Natalie raised a brow, waiting for an answer. Texts from Mia’s dad that got her to make that face were always interesting. Seeming to sense her expectation, Mia huffed.

“Giovanni’s place is doing free cannolis with a large pizza.”

“Oh, awesome,” Natalie said, flicking on her blinker to turn right at the next exit. “Your dad always knows the best deals in town. I don’t know why you get so grumpy about it.”

“I guess it’s not impossible he could have found it online or something. He's way too lame for that, though."

Well, yeah, where else would he have found it? The newspaper? Actually, Mr. Sims seemed like the type to still read newspapers.

“Your dads are awesome. My mom still shows off the doilies Mr. Blackwood made for her last Christmas. I love it when he calls me love, too. It’s so,” she tried to find the words and failed, “British.”

“Why, yes, British people in Britain.” Mia looked out the car window. “Have we moved countries since last I checked?”

“You know what I mean. You Englishmen with your adorable little accents.”

“We don’t have accents. You have an accent.”

“Don’t be silly.”

“Say aluminium.”

“That’s not fair.”

“Say it. A-lu-min-i-um.”

Natalie made a face. “A-lu-min-um.”

“You’re missing an entire I.”

“I am not. Americans don’t spell it with that I. We’re efficient like that.”

Mia settled back in her seat with a terse sound. “Efficiency, bastardization, whatever you want to call it.”

They both only lasted a few moments before bursting out into giggles. Their exit was fast approaching, and Natalie checked if the lane was clear.

“So, Giovanni’s?”

“Yeah, it’s hard to say no to a free cannoli.” Then, she added in a low grumble, “Even if it’s cheating.”

Natalie shook her head. She just didn’t get Mia sometimes.

As she drove down the darkening road, she glanced cautiously to her side. Mia’s hand was resting on the center console. Just sitting there. Probably cold, you know?

Holding her breath, Natalie crept one hand off the steering wheel and over to Mia’s (doubtlessly cold) hand. When she touched her wrist, Mia startled, and Natalie flinched back. Dammit. She should have asked first.

Then, Mia smiled and took Natalie’s hand, interlocking their fingers together. Oh, that was smooth. Mia was so smooth. Her heart pounded in her ears as her world shrank to the single point of their joined hands.

“Slow down!”

Whoops.

 Natalie’s only ever been to Giovanni’s once before, when she and the gang were skulking around downtown for carbs after Mia’s soccer practice. It was nicely decorated, and the lowlights set the intimate mood Natalie wanted.

However, the place was nearly empty, on a Friday night, no less. While it suited their purposes, she suspected there was a reason why the desserts were free.

The hostess jumped at the sight of them but led them both to their seats.

“So,” Natalie began, flipping through the menu. “Toppings.”

“Definitely green peppers. Onions, too.”

“No onions.”

“What? You love onions.”

“Yeah, but, you know,” a damning heat rose to her face, “for later.”

“Oh.” Mia’s lips curled as she stared at her menu. She cleared her throat. “I brought mints, okay?”

Oh, mints. Genius.  Why hadn’t she thought of that? “Okay, onions. Pepperoni?” Mia scrunched up her nose. “Oh, right. Miss I-Don’t-Like-The-Best-Pizza-Topping.”

“Look, you wouldn’t be so hot for it either if your dad was telling you about all the crazy butchers he’s run into as a bedtime story.”

“Right, right. The, uh, what was it? Bonepuller?”

“Boneturner. And he was a dickhead. Turned my dad’s bones right out of him.”

“My mom wouldn’t even let me watch that Disney movie about the kid vampire. You ever thinking about writing down some of those spooky stories? You and your dad are so imaginative with that sort of thing.”

“Nah, that stuff’s boring.”

Like a story about an invasion of parasitic flesh worms was boring. No accounting for taste. Perhaps Natalie would have to take it to paper herself someday. “But squid is good, right? Want to get the calamari as a start?”

“Yeah, squid’s okay.” Mia’s phone buzzed and she glanced at it. She sighed, a sound that spoke of endless suffering. “But I think I’d rather have the cobb salad.”

“Is that your dad? What, is the squid going to give us food poisoning?”

“Yeah.”

Natalie laughed, but Mia hadn’t looked up from her menu.

She took after her old man far too much, in Natalie's opinion.

 The movie theater, unlike the restaurant, was packed. They waited in line for fifteen minutes and when they entered the auditorium, only a few scattered seats remained.

How hadn’t Natalie seen this coming? It’s not like Haunted Row 3 wasn’t the most highly anticipated horror event of the summer! She shouldn’t have insisted on that cheesecake alongside the cannoli, but Mia loved cheesecake. What were they going to do now?

Mia’s phone chimed again. Natalie turned, hopeful, like a dog to a bell. Yanking her phone out, Mia scanned the text, lips puckered like she was sucking on sour candy.

“There’s some seats over there.”

Natalie turned around, and, yeah, there they were. Two seats shoved in the far back. Not ideal, but better than nothing. She was equal parts relieved because the night wasn’t ruined, and stunned, because how? She glanced around the movie theater, not sure what she was looking for, but sure, whatever it was, was looking right back at her.

“I’m going to make a call real quick,” Mia said as they claimed the seats. She brought the phone to her ear, turning away from Natalie and lowering her voice to a waspish whisper.

“Hello? Jon! You said you wouldn’t— It was implied— Give Dad the phone. Do it. Dad? Yeah.” Mia nodded. “Yeah. Bury him in a board game or something. Okay. Yeah. Yes, Jon, I love you, too. Okay. Bye.”

She turned back to Natalie with a smile, a smile Natalie tried to return, but she felt it came out rather shaky.

“You said your dad worked with security cameras or something, right?”

“What? Pft. No, he’s a teacher at Frederickson. Where did you get an idea like that?”

“Uh—”

The movie started. Mia shushed her and Natalie glared, but settled in.

 They only got halfway through the before Natalie fled the auditorium with trembling legs and a pounding heart. She splashed her face in the bathroom, trying to control her breathing. The door opened, and Natalie looked up to see Mia in the mirror, and she groaned.

“I told you to wait. You’re missing the movie.”

“It’s Haunted Row. Everyone dies but the virgin and the dog, the end.” Mia put a hand on Natalie’s back, rubbing in soothing circles. “I don’t understand why you take us to these horror movies when you get scared so easily. They always give you nightmares.”

“They don’t always give me nightmares.”

Mia lifted a brow. With a frustrated sigh, Natalie shook off her hand.

“I mean, I guess I just like it.”

“How can you like it? You were about to burst into tears.”

“I don’t know.” It was hard to put into words, how being afraid made her feel. “You know how you like spicy foods, right? It hurts to eat, but it still feels good?”

Mia nodded.

“Well, it’s like that. I just like feeling that way.” She turned to the mirror with a sniff, grabbing a bundle of paper towels. “The bit with the spider was a bit much, though.”

“Don’t tell my dad. He’ll go on for hours on how adorable spiders are and that everyone else is just mean.”

Oh, Natalie was aware of the monologue. With a wet chuckle, she patted her face dry, thankful her mother had suggested the waterproof makeup that night. “Well, let’s go back.”

“You sure? I think they’re playing that new superhero movie further down.”

“I’m fine. I want to see the dog live.”

They took their seats back, and as the movie continued, dread slowly slunk back over her. If she curled up a little tighter into Mia’s side, however, well, that was okay, especially when Mia wrapped her arm around her shoulders and pulled her in close.

Things weren’t so scary after that.

 Natalie pulled up into the driveway, and that was it. Date over. But her shoulders were still stiff with tension.

She knew what she wanted to do, but how did you go about actually doing it? None of the articles were clear on that tidbit, in her opinion.

“Here we are,” she said.

Mia hummed, making no effort to leave. That was a good sign, right? But Natalie was still frozen in place. Oh, god, this was a nightmare.

“Don’t move.”

Natalie jumped. Mia was reaching towards her with both hands and gently brushed her shoulder. Her face became hot, but when Mia pulled back to reveal a spider in her palm, she leapt back with a shriek.  

“How can you just hold it like that?”

“Dad used to have a pet tarantula when I was a kid.”

Oh. Yeah, that made sense. She wasn’t expecting an actual explanation.

She slumped in her seat. The hysterical giggles started small at first, before they began wracking her entire body. “You’re so cool. I can’t believe …” Sobering, she swallowed down the words. “Well, I’m just glad you wanted to, you know. Do this. Together.”

“Yeah, I, uh,” Mia ran a hand through her ringlets, which had slowly relaxed and fuzzed over the course of the evening. “I’ve been wanting to do this for a while. I think you’re pretty cool, too.”

Mia was still leaning over the console, much closer than before.

“Is it alright if I kiss you?”

Natalie could just barely manage a jerky nod. They had forgotten the mints, but that was okay. It was simple, just two mouths gently pressed together, but it was Mia, therefore, it was perfect.

“I should probably get you inside,” Natalie said when they parted, her insides warm and gooey.

"Yeah, maybe."

Natalie was halfway up the sidewalk when she turned, expecting to find Mia by her side, but Mia was by the car. With her hands still cupped, Mia was furiously whispering at the little speck of a spider. Good grief, she could be a strange one, at times.

Gently depositing it on the ground, Mia straightened, clapping her hands clean. When their eyes met, she smiled, before gesturing to the house.

Strange, yes, but there was something oh so loveable in that strangeness.

“We’re home,” Mia announced as she burst through the front door. Her parents were crouched over the living room table, playing a game with cards and dice. Mr. Sims was so absorbed, Mr. Blackwood had to nudge him with his elbow, and he reemerged with a confused mumble.

“Did you have a good time?” Mr. Blackwood asked.

Natalie nodded. “Yeah, we had a great time.” She turned to Mia. “I should probably head out, I promised my mom I'd come home right away. Study group tomorrow?”

"Yeah, sounds good," Mia said, dropping a kiss on Natalie's cheek. "Remind Greg it's his turn to bring snacks, okay?"

Natalie was too flustered by the kiss to come up with a response, and Mia waved as she raced upstairs. Mr. Sims got up from the table to walk Natalie to the door.

“I’m glad you had fun.”

“Thanks. And thanks for all the, uh, tips. They really helped us out.” She glanced down at her fidgeting fingers. “I really wanted tonight to go well.”

“Oh, don’t thank me. I’m rather in the doghouse for it. Nothing less than what I deserve, I suppose.”

“Yeah, I was wondering, though. About the, uh, movie theater seats?” She scrubbed her arm. How to phrase it? “Were you …?”

Mr. Sims stared. His eyes were so piercing.

“Never mind, it’s nothing. I should probably get going.”

Mr. Sims smiled, and there was a peculiar quirk to his lips. “Drive safely. And, again, don’t worry about the audition, I’m sure the scout loved what you played. Who doesn’t love Adele?”

He always had kind things to say. As he closed the door and Natalie turned to leave, she had a thought.

She hadn’t told anyone she was playing a pop song, not even her mom. It had been too embarrassing deciding to play such mainstream music, but it had been the only song she was confident in playing.

She turned, wanting to know who had told him, when she saw it.

Eyes.

Dozens and dozens of eyes.

The door closed with a definitive click!, but she could still feel it. Her legs were glued to the ground, waiting to be pushed into a fight or a flight. Forcing herself to move, she stumbled back to her car, and she had the most peculiar sensation that she was standing in front of an audience waiting to laugh at her.

Her hands shook on the steering wheel as her chest effused with fear. Real fear, not the pre-packaged popcorn fear from a scary movie, although she wouldn’t have even been able to make that distinction ten seconds ago.

A text tone pulled her out of her stupefaction.

>call me if u can’t sleep tonight, ok? <3

The tension hissed out of her body like a steaming kettle. She looked up and, in the window, she could see Mr. Blackwood and Mr. Sims arguing over something on the table. The board game, probably. Mr. Sims wasn’t looking at her. In any sense.

An old memory came back to her. It was only a few years ago, just before she started high school. Her dad had come to visit, and it had ended badly, as it usually did, and she had stormed out of the house, as she usually did.

She had walked and walked and walked until her legs hurt and the clouds turned from white and fluffy to dark and menacing. The road had stretched on and on behind her. She couldn't make it in time.

Then, a familiar car had rolled over the horizon and stopped just in front of her, and her mom's head popped out of the open window, crying and spitting fury and fire and ‘what-were-you-thinking’s. Mr. Sims was in the driver’s seat, watching her. Seeing her. His eyes had been soft and concerned.

She blinked. Mr. Blackwood and Mr. Sims were still in the window, only they were laughing now. Mr. Sims kissed the side of his husband’s head before they moved inside and out of sight.

She didn’t know what she knew, about Mia or her fathers or any of it. But there were a lot of things she didn’t know, right? The ocean was the epitome of unknowable, but she and Mia were still planning a trip to the beach at the start of summer vacation, you know?

Snapping the car in reverse, she craned her neck to make sure no one was coming down the lane.

And hey, her mom used to be in a cult when she had been a teenager.

Every kid’s parent had something weird about them, right?

[fenlily]

82 Times

RULES: Once tagged, write a post with eighty-two truths & then tag twenty-five people (if you can)

I was tagged by: @baxngtan - Thank yooou!

WARNING: This is going to be extremely long and probably not all that interesting.

NAME: Sofia

BLOOD TYPE: O negative

NICKNAME(S): Soph, Sophiebaby, Fenris, Fen, Dickhead, Bitch, Cow... You know, just cutesy stuff, because I am well-loved.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single, but emotionally unavailable, lol

ZODIAC SIGN: Cancer

PRONOUNS: She / Her

FAVOURITE TV SHOWS: I really don’t watch much TV, or even Netflix or dramas anymore, but I usually follow the GoT series, I used to love Call the Midwife, and when I can muster up the energy I watch Teen Wolf or RuPaul’s Drag Race or Supernatural or some other shit that’s easy to digest and forget about.

HAIR: I have it. It is brown and mostly straight.

HEIGHT: 172 cm, which I think is somewhere between 5′7″ - 5′8″?

DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ANYONE?: Not currently, no, but there are a number of people I find very attractive or would like to meet/get to know.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF?: Not much to be honest.

RIGHT OR LEFT HANDED: Right

FAVOURITE 3 COLOURS: Purple, Black, Green

CURRENTLY EATING / RECENTLY ATE: Bread

CURENTLY DRINKING / RECENTLY DRANK: Coffee

I’M ABOUT TO: Record a voice meme thing.

LISTENING TO: Jay Park - You Know

DO YOU WANT KIDS?: Yes.

DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED?: Yes

CAREER: Don’t have one yet, but hoping to work in games or with art or music.

Most Recent:

DRINK: Coffee. I drink a lot of coffee, I’m sorry.

PHONE CALL: Mum

SONG YOU LISTENED TO: Monsta X - Beautiful

Have You Ever:

DATED SOMEONE TWICE: Nope. Never will either. I’m not a forgiving person, and I rarely change my mind about people, so if I have at any point decided you’re not good for me we’re not gonna be close ever again.

BEEN CHEATED ON: Not to my knowledge, but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened.

KISSED SOMEONE & REGRETTED IT: Yes

LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: Yep

BEEN DEPRESSED: Yeah, since the age of like 12 until now.

BEEN DRUNK & THROWN UP: Yes, once or twice as a teenager, but I no longer drink alcohol at all.

KISSED A STRANGER: Yeeeaah...

HAD GLASSES OR CONTACTS: I wear glasses, and I’ve used contacts.

HAD SEX ON THE FIRST DATE: Yep.

BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: Not that I know of?

TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: Yeah.

CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: Obviously.

FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: Not really.

In The Last Year Have You:

MADE A NEW FRIEND: Online, yes, IRL, no.

FALLEN OUT OF LOVE: Yeah. I kinda fell out of love with my ex a good year and a half before we broke up but I didn’t tell him about it then, and I don’t think I ever will. I kind of just carried on as normal and hoped I’d fall back in love with him, but I didn’t, and eventually I stopped seeing him when he had time off work and then after me rejecting his offers to come see him a few times he dumped me.

LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: Yes, a fair few times. Mostly while I have been playing games with a family member or close friend.

MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: Yeah, above mentioned ex being one of them. Had some really shitty “friends” who changed me a fair bit too.

FOUND OUT WHO YOUR TRUE FRIENDS WERE: Yes, on a number of occasions. I have a very very very very very small group of friends IRL that consists of maybe at most four or five people. But I only meet up with my friends like two or three times a year because I’m honestly the worst when it comes to socialising and spending time with the people I care about.

FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: Eeeeeyup. I was the subject of many many many rumours and trash talk while I was in high school and my friends or my brothers would find out and tell me about it.

KISSED SOMEONE ON YOUR FB LIST: Yep.

Which Is Better?:

LIPS OR EYES: Both, but I probably look at people’s eyes more than their mouths to be honest.

HUGS OR KISSES: Depends on who I’m doing it with?

SHORTER OR TALLER: Either is fine.

ROMANTIC OR SPONTANEOUS: Romantic. I’m not a hugely spontaneous person, and I would probably feel quite uncomfortable with someone who was very spontaneous.

SENSITIVE OR LOUD: Either, I guess?

HOOKUP OR RELATIONSHIP: Relationship. I’ve had a couple of hook-ups before and they honestly just made me feel like shit.

TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT: Hesitant. Think before act, people.

First:

BEST FRIEND: Don’t really think I have ever had a BEST friend, but I have a friend who I’m more willing to spend time with than others? Is that the same thing? I still only meet her like three or four times in a year though.

SURGERY: No major surgeries ever, the most I’ve done is get a contraceptive implant fitted in my arm, and then removed a few months later as it was making me really ill.

SPORT I JOINED: Um, not sure? It will be either ice skating or horse riding I think, I’m just not sure which one I started first, but I did horse riding for a longer period of time.

VACATION: The first vacation I had abroad from my home country was to the UK. We stayed in Brighton for two weeks with a friend of my mom’s.

Do You Believe In:

YOURSELF: Not in the fucking least, but I’m working on that.

MIRACLES: Nah.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: Nope.

HEAVEN: Only for pets. Humans don’t deserve heaven.

Extras:

HOW MANY PEOPLE FROM YOUR FB LIST DO YOU KNOW IRL: Almost all of them. Like a good 90% at least.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS: Yup, a dog and four cats.

DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME: I have thought about it, but only to change the order of my names, not the names themselves. And if I ever get married I’d probably want to change my last name.

WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY: I spent it in Sweden with my dad’s side of the family for the first time in like 15 years.

WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP TODAY: Around midday sometime.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING LAST NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT: Not sure?

SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: Graduating uni, if I actually pass.

LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM: I live with my mom, so like, two hours ago?

WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE ABOUT YOUR LIFE: There are A LOT of things I would change if I could, but I suppose the biggest thing would be to make it so that I didn’t have any kind of chronic illness anymore.

HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A PERSON NAMED TOM: Yeah, loads. And almost all of them were from Wales.

WHAT GETS ON YOUR NERVES: Liars, thieves, cheaters, just generally dishonest and disrespectful people. Also can’t stand people who brag, or look down on others.

Okay, so I’m not sure if I wrote out a full 82 things because I’m too tired to count. And ALSO this is a HELLA long meme, so if I tagged you and you don’t want to do it, that is completely okay.

Anyway, I’m tagging: @sugaappa, @blondekimseokjin, @creamyoongii, @taeiephant, @hoseokloved, @jins-b, and @alyssabriannex.

[jo-sleepycrow]

me feeling sad and frustrated about something that happened today under the cut, because i need to vent:

so today i went to a thyroid doctor because i need to make a couple of exams to know if i have a problem like my big sis has.

i was a bit nervous because i didn’t know what to expect (and i am an anxious person overall) but i was fine with it mostly. the thing is that my mum decided that she wanted to come inside with me to my consultation, i am twenty btw, even after i told her she didn’t have to. i was a bit fine with it, besides the fact that i was old enough to go on my own and didn’t want to be the adult that still goes to the doctor with a parent, but at least it wasn’t my father the one to go with me.(we are mad at each other right now tbh) 

ok so inside the doctors room, she began to ask all sorts of questions about my health and stuff and i thought it was kind of alright (im very awkward but its custom stuff to ask) when she suddenly asked if i was feeling tired lately and i remembered that one of the usual symptoms of a thyroid problem is depression. the thing is that i have had depression since i was 12, at least, (and before that i always was a bit of a sad kid, i think, having no friends really hurt me deep) and my parents always had weird mixed feelings about me and my mental health, always saying that they would do something to help and never end up doing shit, so imagine me, wanting to tell the doctor i have self-diagnosed depression and anxiety but feeling trapped by the presence of my own mother and their (my parents) dismissive attitude towards it. i wanted, and want so bad right now, to cry my eyes out with the need to say that out loud. i ended just saying that i am tired all of the time, which she dismissed by saying that uni is tiring and bla bla bla. 

the fact that i never had anyone clinically diagnosing me with depression, plus the never ending dismissal of my parents, made me question my own certainties and ignore my own feelings enough to not mention an important fact about my health.

i just want to cry so badly. it really hurts me to keep this thing inside when it’s something that affects me on a daily basis. it hurts that i can’t talk about this openly to my parents when i struggle every day to get out of bed, because they make promises they will never keep. because they don’t understand that most times i need silence and space to cope with this thing and all they do is yell until i do something or show up in the living room where they will ignore me.

i only had one psychologist in my life, i met him for one hour every week since i was 12/13 for like two or three years and at the time i hadn’t realised how much i hate going, how he didn’t care and just spent the whole hour on his ipad playing games and asking me stupid questions. i didn’t trust him and in consequence i never opened up much when he asked how i was feeling or what had happened to me. to him i was just another kid who had gone through a bad time and thanks to that he could laze around all day at work and gain money without thinking shit. i don’t want that to happen again.

i have been thinking about applying to my university's therapists for awhile now. at first when i mentioned that to my parents they said not, that they wouldn’t be good enough, and that they would find someone better for me (yeah right that didn’t happen either, thanks a lot), but a friend of mine went there and she got better! but every time i think of applying, intrusive thoughts get in my head and i keep thinking that i don’t need, that i am faking or that it isn’t worrying enough, because, ya know, i haven’t tried to hurt myself yet right?! because thinking i it would be better to not exist isn’t an actual suicide attempt... right? for fucks sake, i had a fucking awful breakdown because of some shoes at the end of 2018 that made me want to die, really want to die. i think it was the very first time that i actually wanted to die and didn’t feel much remorse for it. my parents couldn’t understand want i was feeling and only made things worse. like usual. my dad, who is someone that i am sure went through depression at some point in his life, just yelled at me and hurt me and said some really nasty things that will hurt me forever. when someone who was supposed to be always there for me only knows how to scream and threaten when someone is at their lowest point it makes someone really wonder if they are enough, if they are worth to keep living. my relationship with my father never recovered after that time. not that it was the best before, because a person isn’t mean and mad and threatening only once. it’s a non stopping pattern that for as much as they try to make up for it, it will never be enough. fuck that got more deep than i was expecting, but the thing is that i am really thinking about applying for a uni therapist for my last year, as it is free and whatever (oh yeah that’s another problem in my life, my parents live a shitty teacher life and bla bla bla we don’t have much money right now, another thing that always weighed me down mentally, yey!)

in conclusion: i don’t want my mum to go with me again but i am sure that she will want to so there will i be sad and anxious and quiet about my mental health and will do nothing about it! fuck me, right?! who cares?! not me, it seems.

[closethegoddamndoorswat]

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself, and at the end, chose 25 people to tag i was tagged by @goldun-days LAST: 1.) drink: agua 2.) phone call: my mama llama 3.) text messages: actual text messages was me explaining to my “friend” that when nobody responds on the groupchat it’s because we DONT want to converse or have her blab on.. except in a polite way? 4.) song you listened to: currently Migraine by TOP, but before it was Growing Up by Macklemore ft. Ed Sheeran 5.) time you cried: yesterday i got teary eyed because self-titled top HAVE YOU EVER 6.) dated someone twice: uhh yeah more than twice tho more like six times 7.) been cheated on: emotionally? yes. physically? no 8.) kissed someone and regretted it: havent really had my first kiss yet so nope 9.) lost someone special: not really 10.) been depressed: uhhh yeah fam 11.) gotten drunk and thrown up: nope, i havent done any drinking yet LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12.) Mint greeny blue 13.) black 14.) used to be maroon but thats the color of a school that wait-listed me so i’ll say purple! IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 15.) made new friends: HELL FUCK YES 16.) fallen out of love: ive never loved anyone, not romantically 17.) laughed until you cried: yeah, family stories and old family pictures.. also ezra and ry convos 18.) found out someone was talking about you: who hasnt tbh 19.) met someone who changed you: SHANNON YOU COMPLICATE MY FEELINGS SO MUCH BUT YOU HAVE DEFINITELY CHANGED ME 20.) found out who your true friends are: OH HELL FUCKING YES I HAD ALL SUMMER OF THAT 21.) kissed someone on your Facebook list: ew who uses Facebook? Also, never kissed 22.) how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: again, no Facebook 23.) do you have any pets: MHM JOSIE NAMED AFTER THE SONG JOSAPHINE BY DISPATCH SHES A BRINDLE MUTT FROM A SHELTER WE LOVER HER V V MUCH 24.) do you want to change your name: hnnnnng kinda but more for the fact that i dont associate with my birth name at all and less because of gender identity 25.) what did you do for your last birthday: the usual: go to my grandparents’ house and eat a melting cake and watch my grandfather and uncles shoot off fireworks while we try not to burn ourselves with sparklers. 26.) what time did you wake up: around 8:30 but then i went back to bed for three hours 27.) what were you doing at midnight last night: Kiking with Ezra i think 28.) name something you cannot wait for: my band to actually write some gotdamn music 29.) when was the last time you saw your mother: three hours ago 30.) what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: That i wasnt such a dickhead about practicing music 31.) what are you listening to right now: Part II by Paramore 32.) have you ever talked to a person named tom: there was a helper guy who was a college student named Tom at our rock band camp.. he played ukulele :) 33.) something that gets on your nerves: my own acne 34.) most visited website: probably either tumblr or ao3 35.) elementary: Fuckt™ ((public school, home school, charter school my mom started while home schooling me.. yeah.) 36.) high school: Stop Reminding Me I Know I Have No Plan Because Everywhere Rejected Me Stfu 37.) college: hopefully nowhere, id rather be touring 38.) hair color: Reddish-orange-brown because i have brown hair dyed with henna 39.) long or short hair: short!! 40.) do you have a crush on someone: more like multiple people i would date and/o make out with but feel no need to stress over making anything official or pining for aged 41.) what do you like about yourself: surprisingly, a lot.. i like my lips tho! They arent TOO small or too big theyre a lil plump and small like all of my features 42.) piercings: just standard ear piercings but i wanna pierce more shit 43.) blood type: fuck i think it’s O negative idk?? 44.) relationship status: single and lonely,,, hmu babes 45.) nicknames: my mom calls me Pessa (short for however u spell princess in italian), my brother calls me Chlub, and my friends that call me Toni use the nickname Tono 46.) zodiac sign: cancer 47.) pronouns: they/them or she/her 48.) fav tv show: House M.D. ((Patrick stump had a cameo ;) )) 49.) tattoos: non but i wanna get lots of lil important black symbols and shit 50.) right or left handed: right i am the majority FIRST: 51.) surgery: nope, not yet 52.) piercing: ears 53.) best friend: Elizabeth or Katy, i forget which came first 54.) sport: soccer i think, like p much everyone 55.) vacation: my dad’s aunt has a house on Martha’s vineyard that we used to rent and i think we’re trying to rent it again this year and it’ll be so great to go back!! 56.) pair of trainers: i have no fucking clue i dont remember 57.) eating: nothing 58.) drinking: water sorta 59.) about to see: nothing 60.) listening to: A Love Like War by ATL ft. Vic Fuentes 61.) waiting for: perpetually waiting for acceptance letters from schools ayy 62.) want: piercings and tattoos and a partner 63.) get married: idfk yet man 64.) career: HANDS FUCK DOWN A MUSICIAN ILL SELL MY SOULD TO PETE WENTZ ILL SUCK A DICK I JUST WANT TO BE ON WARPED TOUR AND BEBIN A BAND PLEASE WHICH IS BETTER 65.) hugs or kisses: both?? I dont have much experience in the latter tho 66.) lips or eyes: couldnt care less 67.) shorter or taller: taller because i think it’s impossible for anyone to be shorter than me 68.) younger or older: imma say older because maturity level needs o be above average like mine 69.) romantic or spontaneous: whichever suits the person better! 70.) nice arms or nice stomach: idfc as long as one holds me and i can tickle the other one 71.) sensitive or loud: LOUD BITCH 72.) hook up or relationship: atm, honestly, maybe just hook up because idk if i can deal with an emotional relationship? 73.) troublemaker or hesitant: neither HAVE YOU EVER 74.) kissed a stranger: nope 75.) drank hard liquor: nope 76.) lost glasses/contact lenses: dont need them so nope 77.) turned someone down: yep 78.) sex on first date: nope to both 79.) broken someone’s heart: nope 80.) had your own heart broken: not really, i did get real pissed at him tho 81.) been arrested: nope 82.) cried when someone died: nope 83.) fallen for a friend: uhhh maybe 84.) yourself?: Good™ 85.) miracles?: meh 86.) love at first sight?: should walk by again 87.) santa claus?: as much as brendon urie not being a fuckboi.. no 88.) kiss on the first date?: yeah if both parties are down 89.) angels?: DONT GET EXISTENTIAL ON ME BINCH 90.) current best friends name(s): Ezra the Mega Ultimate Squish and Ryan, AKA CatAssJones 91.) eye color: Boring Brown 92.) favorite movie: Deadpool and/or The Blues Brothers.. Anyone can do this, just say i tagged you in it!! P.S. ...We're on a mission from Gahd.