#as ive been on the needs of people around me living as a severe people-pleaser desperately trying to circumvent conflict

[lith-myathar]

There's this shitty thing about having trained yourself not to have needs, which is that you become so good at hiding them that even when you think you're signaling that you're upset and need help, it's so outwardly subtle that nobody really notices or they read it as a signal to leave you alone.

(Which is so wrongheaded in and of itself, like one needs to ASK for help not wait in silent agony for someone to notice you're in pain.)

and that sucks because it makes you feel like no one notices when you're upset because no one actually cares about you enough to pay attention

[lilia-mayy]

TW: mentions of suic!de, ED, mental illnesses

a couple of weeks ago i laid in my moms arms crying and told her that i wanted to die.

yeah.

it wasn’t just because of my “friends” - ive had my fair share of unrelated mental health struggles, too. i’ve had diagnosed clinical depression since 7th grade, severe seasonal affective disorder (literally who named it S.A.D. why couldn’t have u called it seasonal depressive disorder), general anxiety disorder, ADHD (without hyperactivity, previously called ADD), panic disorder, anorexia nerviosa, and i have dealt with psychosis. lol yeah there’s quite the list there - and all of it is genetic. well, ok, events in my life and my upbringing have definitely brought them to the forefront at certain times, caused them to start, cause me to relapse, etc. my eating disorder is an exception because it was caused by my mom’s own toxic views towards food that she unknowingly and accidentally pushed onto me. i’ve recovered now and have learned to have a much healthier relationship with food - and have realized just how much my mom’s personal issues were projected onto me as a kid. if i’m sure my upbringing also had a major role in my anxiety disorder - my mom can also be a very anxious and overwhelming person. All in all, the disorders i have are also just coded in my DNA but external factors also played a role.

anyway, i digress about my family issues - imma do a whole post for that. i’m medicated for my anxiety/panic disorder so i haven’t had issues with that in a while, so what really has been affecting me recently is the depression and seasonal depression combo. it sucks ass. like winter is just such an ass time. not having daylight and being cold as shit constantly doesn’t encourage wanting to live and with the depression on top of it man i never stood a mf chance. my recent suicidal-ness was a combination of a mean-girl-induced identity crisis and personal mental health struggles. i mentioned in my last post that i now hate the person i was when i was friends with them. ok, yknow what imma give them some fake names cause being vague is just so unnatural. let’s call the 2 main offenders Diane & Ally. Not sure why those names came to mind but imma just roll with it.

The person i became with Diane & Ally was so lazy, unmotivated, stuck-up, and judgemental. I don’t want to go into a ton of details about them and rant because i’m trying to get them off my mind and in my past. But i will say that they are the most unmotivated, lazy, and judgemental people i’ve ever met. They do not have goals, they don’t care about getting into college, they treat school like it’s nothing. They expect everything to fall at their feet like they’re the main characters in a fucking netflix show. All they do is smoke weed and lay on their beds and talk shit together - no joke. They’re so quick to judge other people for having interests different than theirs or “tryharding” in school. Yea, ok... i’d rather be a try hard then peak in high school. I fell into their patterns when i was friends with them. i stopped being able to think about my future. i couldn’t see myself past college living a life, i had no goals, no dreams, no work ethic, nothing. yes, of course my mental health issues also played into this, but they definitely added fuel to the fire. so much fuel. fucking kerosine.

The person i became was also just not me. i was never once myself around them. it took the space between us for me to realize how disengenuous i was being to myself and my true personality. i am a positive person. i like to make people laugh. i like to have real, deep conversations - there’s nothing better in the world than having a good ass conversation with someone. i hate awkwardness and not being comfortable around people but for some reason i kept making excuses for the way i felt with them. i felt like a fish out of water and i was pretending to be someone i wasn’t. what i’ve realized is that they are not the people for me. they are not the right friends for me. and now i have to work on being okay with that.

I always prided myself on being above getting caught up in high school social hierarchy, but looking from a birdseye view, i made all these excuses for Diane and Ally (and the 3 other people that are kind of included in this group) because they’re popular. they throw parties (horrible parties, but still parties). people know them as the popular group. why the fuck did i care? why the fuck do i still care? this is the kinda self reflection i was talking about in my last post. i’m such a people pleaser and i want everyone to like me so much that i forced myself into this friend group that i cant stand to be around. they have the personalities of a fucking doorknob. What i’ve really realized from all of this is that i need to learn to be okay on my own. i need to be learn to be happy alone. i need to recognize that i am enough and i don’t need to rely on other people for happiness. i need to fucking love myself dude. i haven’t in so long. i wanted to die because i hated who i had become so much. this is why i’ve been trying to get more into spirituality and the law of attraction and all that shit. i’m gonna post updates on here on how that’s going but so far so good. i’m relearning how to love myself!!! yes!! aight that’s all i’ve got for now

-lilia