#askbox ; blood oath

[exsanguidus]

Controversial opinion; I think Ascended Astarion is the true Astarion. In DnD lore, vampirism amplifies a person's traits for whoever they are at the time they become a true vampire. A Paladin wanting to save people will end up ruling a city with an iron fist to keep people safe. A mage wanting to heal those they love will hurt everyone else to heal them. Astarion was on a journey with Tav - one from being controlled, owned, and tortured to being free, curious, and even powerful. Becoming a full vampire and ascending just amplified that. It forced a self-actualization, not a descent into villainy. I think Ascended Astarion is cannon Astarion. He will always be a vampire, and vampires in DnD are always the amplification of a true self. Without ascention, he is still malleable - but I don't think its what he wants. He wants to be powerful (protected by his own power too - his power being a means to self-preservation), he wants to be loved, seen, and free. Free of hunger, free to walk in the sun, free of Cazador. All these things are true regardless of the path you choose. But, they are all only attainable through ascension. When you ascend Astarion - he gets everything he wants and becomes who he truly is.

I'm going to start this with a disclaimer:

I work in the mental health field professionally and majored in Social & Behavioral Science, which is partly why I felt drawn to Astarion as a sort of case study. Characters rooted in trauma are interesting to me and I enjoy picking them apart to judge how real it feels. I utilize my educational and professional background to essentially guide how I write Astarion on this account.

That said, despite me being a professional in the field, all of what I have to say is my personal opinion and interpretation of Astarion's character based on how I interpret the material Larian gave us and the material that can be found in DND lore. Even in real life, things have variation and not all mental health struggles (getting over trauma is part of mental health) present the exact same way. There are theories that exist to try and explain some trends in mental health studies, psychology, and sociology, but again they're called theories for a reason.

Now, my response to this question will be under the cut and will include spoilers.

I know what lore in particular you're referencing, anon, because I've been going back to it a lot ever since I opened this account.

Astarion very much has an insecure attachment style born from his abuse at Cazador's hands. Specifically, an anxious-avoidant attachment type that leans more towards avoidant when he's first met and then begins to swing more towards anxious as he begins to get closer to Tav and the other companions.

Anxious-avoidant attachment types (also known as the “fearful or disorganized type”) bring together the worst of both worlds. Anxious-avoidants are not only afraid of intimacy and commitment, but they distrust and lash out emotionally at anyone who tries to get close to them. Anxious-avoidants often spend much of their time alone and miserable, or in abusive or dysfunctional relationships. Anxious-avoidants are low in confidence and less likely to express emotions, preferring to suppress them. However, they can have intense emotional outbursts when under stress. They also don’t tend to seek help when in need due to a distrust of others. This sucks because they are also incapable of sorting through their own issues. Anxious-avoidants really get the worst of both worlds. They avoid intimacy not because they prefer to be alone like avoidants. Rather, they avoid intimacy because they are so terrified of its potential to hurt them (Mark Manson, Attachment Styles and How They Affect Your Relationships).

Typically, most studies of Attachment Theory focus on the relationship of parents-children or romantic partners, but it can also be applied to any significant relationship someone has in their lifetime. Attachment styles thus are capable of changing based on new relationship experiences.

If you end up giving him the "good" ending where he denies the Ascension, it's implied in his final dialogue that he's actively working towards having a secure attachment type due to the influences of his fellow worm-afflicted associates - particularly Tav.

I think that it's important to also note that, even if Tav doesn't romantically connect with Astarion, he shows hints of desperately wanting someone to care for him, support him, and love him. He does want to know what sex would be like as something other than a tool, and especially what it would be like to actually want to have it just for the pure sake of enjoying having it.

You have to understand that Astarion doesn't even understand the concept of casual sex or friends with benefits. All those times he had to seduce people for Cazador was not casual sex or a friends with benefits situation. All of them were transactions with a means to an end. He got nothing out of seducing those victims besides the possibility of not incurring Cazador's wrath that night - but even then, there was still a possibility because Cazador was an abuser.

Abusers are incapable of providing genuine safety, but can manipulate their victims into believing an illusion of safety. Often times, they manipulate their victims into this by using phrases like "you made me do this by being disobedient", "it wouldn't come to this if you just did what you were told", and then weaponizing basic needs such as shelter, food, and social interaction. The bare minimum becomes something the victim is expected to be grateful for and viewed as a favor, which means anything beyond the bare minimum is expected to be viewed as a theatrical showing of care and love.

In game, Tav has the chance to hear Astarion tell the story of how Cazador turned him. He basically states that he got attacked by a mob due to a ruling he handed down when he was magistrate and then Cazador saved him and offered him immortality. It can be inferred that in his pre-vampiric days, Astarion had no idea that Cazador was abusive to his spawn.

This is likely because it seems that Cazador is careful about his public image. He doesn't allow his spawn to drink from humans, very likely not just as a means to further oppress them and dampen their potential power they could get from drinking people's blood, but also as a way to ensure there's not just a bunch of people out in the city being bitten and left alive to tell the story - or left dead on the street suspiciously.

He has his spawn seduce and lure people, particularly lower class people that would be harder for general society to realize is missing or just that he knows people who could actually challenge him wouldn't care for (you learn that reading some of the books and notes in Szarr Palace). The only exception to this is the kidnapping of Gur children, but even then it seems to fit his MO as it seems Gur are considered somewhat outcasts from the rest of Baldurian society due to their cultural differences.

It should also be noted that he himself doesn't do these seductions or kidnappings. He specifically chooses spawn to be his lackeys and that's likely so, if shit hits the fan and the spawn gets caught, he has deniability since he wasn't there. It's methodical and thought out to keep as many eyes away from him so he can still obtain what he wants and keep sailing under the radar.

Cazador is this methodical and purposeful as a result of his own trauma, which we learn about from the skull of his master in the dungeon of Szaar Palace. There's one interaction in particular with the skull in which Tav can learn that, at one point, Cazador attempted to rebel and usurp his master. Cazador failed and his master punished him via impalement. Not because Cazador had the audacity to try and usurp him, but because Cazador tried and failed. Cazador's master punished Cazador via torture because his master was disgusted by the fact that his spawn was too weak to succeed in such a plot.

Which brings me to my next point... it's not uncommon for victims of abuse to later become abusers. Hence the term Cycle of Abuse exists. Many abusers who were once victims often have the mentality of either "I'm not nearly as bad as my abuser was, they should be grateful I care enough to not be so bad" or "I survived and it made me tougher, they need to suck it up and let it help them build character" or both. They often fail to view their abuse as abuse and fail to recognize how their experience as abuse victims contributes into making them toxic and abusive to others.

There's many peer-reviewed scholarly articles you can find about the cycle of abuse, but one I particularly find useful is Editorial: Dissociation, and cycles of abuse across generations by David P.H. Jones. It talks specifically about parents and children, but I believe some of the general points made can be applied to Cazador and his spawn, as he crafts a very family-like setting that can be seen in the way that his spawn refer to one another as brothers and sisters.

This would thus make him the father figure, a role exponentially made important by the fact he denies his spawn education on things that could serve to give them ideas or the ability to leave him (for example, Astarion mentions that none of the spawn were permitted to learn about the language of the various symbols around the palace) and he consistently chooses his Golden Children (Favored Spawns) as a means of providing more false security. Do what he says, when he says, exactly how he says and don't complain then you will have benefits. You will be Favored, and to have his favor is the highest honor you could achieve.

Torture is clearly presented as Cazador's primary go-to for discipline. Research has also concluded that trauma has a way of affecting the brain and memories.

Trauma can prevent information (like words, images, sounds, etc.) from different parts of the brain from combining to make a semantic memory. The temporal lobe and inferior parietal cortex collect information from different brain areas to create semantic memory (The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine).

Astarion mentions a few times in-game that he can barely remember his life before Cazador, if at all, and a huge part of that is likely because of all the trauma Cazador inflicted upon him that exacerbated the natural occurrence of memory loss from aging (if vampires experience natural memory loss from aging, that is). This is most likely true for all of Cazador's spawn.

I say all this as a set up to truly answering you, anon, specifically where you say: "from being controlled, owned, and tortured to being free, curious, and even powerful. Becoming a full vampire and ascending just amplified that. It forced a self-actualization, not a descent into villainy."

I can argue that Astarion did not feel free up until after a decision to Ascend or not was made. And I argue that stance due to some dialogue he can have with Tav here he basically states that the power Ascension could guarantee that no one, even someone after Cazador is dead, could ever come in to oppress and hurt him again. Even with Cazador dead, he has such an intense fear of being enslaved and used that he turns to catastrophic thoughts as justification to why he needs to Ascend.

Catastrophic thinking is a cognitive distortion that occurs when people have a hard time weighing the likelihood of certain outcomes and believe that terrible or catastrophic outcomes—which are highly unlikely—become, in one’s mind, salient and extremely likely. (Tom Zaubler, MD, MPH).

Aside from the Gur, whom Astarion can manage to evade and even kill perfectly fine as just a spawn, we're not presented with any hints of another big bad in the vampire world that could possibly want Astarion. As such, there's not really any tangible threat, but rather a perceived threat that he believes is destined to darken his doorstep at any time.

His catastrophic thinking is a trauma response. His belief that he needs to be the most powerful being in the room as a way to be truly free is a trauma response. Cazador broke him down emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually to make him believe that he was weak and trapped. Furthermore, that he remained trapped because he was too weak to do anything about it.

You see how this goes full circle into how Cazador's master punished Cazador for not being able to successfully usurp him? It places blame on the victim, allowing shame and helplessness to root that the abuser can manipulate. We know that Astarion definitely feels shame because he tells Tav that. For most of his dialogue until the boss fight, he's constantly bringing up that he did what Cazador wanted and acted obedient because he had no choice.

This is true, he had to act in self-preservation to survive and unfortunately that meant he had to be subservient. A few dialogue choices you can have your Tav pick can challenge Astarion and say he could have still tried, to which he'll rightfully tell Tav that Tav has no right to judge him for the choices he made to survive.

When Astarion encounters Sebastian in the dungeon, its made pretty obvious how much guilt and shame he truly feels. Furthermore, that for all Astarion's protesting and exclaiming that no one has the right to judge him, a part of him did believe that he didn't do enough to try and escape enslavement. A part of himself blamed himself and believed he allowed himself to be abused when, in reality, he was put in a horrible situation with very limited options. He did the best he could in the moment, with what information he had in those moments.

I also want to argue that who Astarion is when we meet him isn't his true self. It's who he had to become in order to survive Cazador. Astarion doesn't even know who his true self is because he didn't have the opportunity to explore his own likes and preferences. Cazador molded all of his spawn because he had a specific purpose for them.

Not only that, but since Cazador would have to more directly deal with these spawn since he used them as lackies, he also would have molded them to behave in ways to his preference so that he wouldn't find their presence unbearable and feel inclined to murder them out of annoyance. This is also where the Favored Spawn being separated and set on a pedestal comes into play. Those who could please him and play to his wants and needs had better benefits. If all of the spawn are acting in self-preservation, they would want to be favored and thus would want to adapt themselves to things Cazador liked and approved of.

This would mean learning to be cruel to those less fortunate and not doing anything as charity. This is the reason why Astarion approves of some questionable decisions Tav can make. Astarion learned his ideals and morality from Cazador because he had to so he could know how to please Cazador and stay in his master's good graces. After a while, even if you started off disagreeing, forcing yourself to act a certain way can become a habit that sticks with you. You convince yourself to enjoy it too so it's easier to swallow.

Astarion craves power because he knows that power is the quickest, easiest, and - what he believes - most effective way to prevent him from having to use that method ever again. It's logical to want power to solve that.

You said in your ask: "He wants to be powerful (protected by his own power too - his power being a means to self-preservation), he wants to be loved, seen, and free. Free of hunger, free to walk in the sun, free of Cazador. All these things are true regardless of the path you choose. But, they are all only attainable through ascension. When you ascend Astarion - he gets everything he wants and becomes who he truly is."

In the most literal of terms, yes, Ascension gives him all of those. However, since the basis of him believing he needs power to be free is rooted in fear, that's not actually really freedom. That is still his fear ruling over him.

There's a stark difference in what someone wants versus what they need. He wants power, to be seen, to be loved, and to be free. What he actually needs is security, stability, support, consistency, empathy, and autonomy. The things he wants is what he believes will solve the empty cups of what he needs, and he believes that because the only example he had on how to act to get what you want - until the events of the game - was Cazador. He literally had no other example of how to get your needs met except through selfishness, cruelty, force, manipulation, and abuse.

Again, I reiterate. The Astarion we first meet is not Astarion's true nature. Astarion's true nature was corrupted by his abuse from Cazador and the subsequent trauma that followed. If it had been his true nature, he would have happily been Cazador's subject because their true natures would have been in alignment.

It only becomes his true nature if he allows that trauma to define him and decides that he needs to embrace it rather than fight it. That is then what gets amplified because that fear that roots those wants becomes amplified.

Honestly, it's impossible to say what would be canon for Astarion because there's too many factors.

Studies have shown that having more supportive and positive influences, even if its later in life after leaving the abuser, tends to work in favor of the victim breaking the cycle of abuse. As such, I think that if you make a Tav who's core values are autonomy, consent, second chances, and redemption and somehow manage to get high enough approval that he'd even consider caring what they think; then its more likely that Astarion would reject Ascension due to observing how much softer, kinder, patient, and merciful Tav is.

But if its a Tav that has no interest in getting to know him beyond the surface or Tav doesn't exist at all, I honestly think he would end up going through with Ascension. Mostly because, to me, it seems like he didn't really bother to have more than surface level interactions with the other companions and the other companions really only ended up getting to know him better as a result to Tav managing to get past his masking. He does not lower his mask on his own accord, only after certain things are done and said by Tav.

Unfortunately, I just don't really think any of the other companions you can pick up in-game would really be able to provide support and determined consistency in the same way that players can make Tav. Hence I don't think he'd end up caring enough about any of them to ever start to think that perhaps freedom can be defined differently than the way he initially believes, and would view Ascension as the only right way to get his needs fulfilled.

[wariocompany]

oh melbourne is nice and the people are like, fine, i just have a blood oath sworn on the graves of my ancestors to destroy and ridicule all aspects of the devils city.

Absolutely incredible people in my askbox today

[gothicstay]

lust. [intro]

pairing: vampire!felix x afab/gen. neutral! reader

warnings: not sure honestly, this is just an intro! if you see anything that needs tagging, please let me know!

proofread? no

a/n: hello! this is a new series i’ve been wanting to start this past week! basically, i couldn’t decide on writing a vampire or werewolf felix au, so i’m having you guys decide! once i finish writing the werewolf one, a poll will go up, and i’ll let you guys decide what i write! eventually i might write both but yeah! please leave feedback in my askbox or the tags and let me know if you enjoyed! (another note i do plan on these eventually having smut, so you’ve been warned!) please share as well, enjoy your day/night!

the things you have been told of blood-sucking creatures called vampires have been mostly true. however, we do have differences, and we blend right into the world around you.

vampires became a thing, really, when the first vampire made a blood oath with the Devil himself, and cursed him and his children with an unquenchable thirst for human blood and superhuman strength.

however, he only cursed them.

the children, however, were angry with their father. and, instead of talking it out with dear-old-dad, the children figured out how to make others join in what they felt was a constant suffering. though, that plan backfired when second and third generation vampires during the victorian era figured out how to co-exist with humans and not be thirsty for blood for long periods of time.

however, not every vampire liked that, or felt the same.

so, the vampire rulers at the time, in the 1800s made a force of sorts to deal with it. that’s the force that pretty much felix had grown up in, during the day playing video games and doing online university, and spending his nights fighting or dealing with the rogue vampires.

however, he did not expect himself to be protecting a human from a rogue vampire gang full time until they were dealt with or until they were bored of them.

and that’s how you got here, sitting on this vampire’s couch, wondering why the fuck you thought it was smart to call a vampire who this man called a “rogue” a “man who’d never get pussy” because you were annoyed at him during your last shift. definitely not how you wanted to start your summer, to say the least.

“do i really have to stay here?” you said, looking around the messy living room which only had a couch, a yellow coffee table (that was not matching the ugly read carpet), and a TV that stood on the ground.

“it was either me or a guy with a wife and three kids, and i can’t be able to guarantee the kids accidentally won’t confuse you for a snack.” felix said, trying to set up a air mattress for you to sleep on.

you groaned loudly, slumping into the couch. “am i ever allowed to go out? it’s too dark in here...” you look around, each window has the shades drawn.

“no, you’re under witness protection.” felix said, finally getting the mattress up finally, celebrating mentally. “you can open the blinds but it can’t be in this room, it would hurt me more then you.”

“I thought the windows here protected you?” You said, turning your head and perking your eyebrow up.

“Not really.” he said. “I’m a broke college kid who goes to school on his computer. The landlord won’t replace the windows no matter how much the regulations change and require him to do so.”

you sigh. “when can I then?”

“when i go to work.” felix said. “then you chill out there and you’ll get social interaction for the day that isn’t me.”

you groan again. “what can i do here then?”

“play video games, practice your cooking skills, catch up on sleep, something like that.” he said again, finally finishing the air mattress. “i recommend sleeping, i got a 7 hour watch shift tonight and those seats at work are not nap worthy.”

the vampire called felix was endearing, he was incredibly handsome. however, his way of un-life of sorts was close to driving you mind.

however, you agreed. a nap was definitely something you needed from the past two nights you just had. maybe you could properly sleep today, finally.

felix handed you a fuzzy blanket, a small smile shown visibly. “enjoy your nap, y/n. i’ll be in my room if you need anything.”

and just like that, he was off to his room.

another thing, this man was incredibly endearing. it was driving you mad, for certain. he may have seemed to not care, but he does.

you just hoped his job wasn’t going to be like this ugly ass carpet.

[kimvvantae]

Umbra; 7

➜   being ruled by an ancient commandment, your sole purpose is to serve. you were born to protect the king with your life, tied by an everlasting oath; you are nothing but a shadow, a silent and insignificant being. he appears to you like the sun, the warmest and brightest star in the sky, and gives you a chance to live. it is then that your entire universe starts to orbit around this sun, and you decide that you are truly willing to die for him.

pairing: King!Taehyung x (f) hybrid!reader

genre: royalty au, fantasy, angst  

warnings: descriptions of violence, blood and death that might be triggering.

word count: 11k  oOF

A/N: gOSH this chapter is a beast. i’m sorry y’all but i couldn’t hold back this time klaskdlsd after reading, y’all are cordially invited to the tea party in my askbox, where we can drink tea, eat cookies and discuss about this week’s chapter. what are your thoughts on it? what’s your favorite part so far? we can talk about anything, just stop by!

enjoy uwu

➜  Chapters: check up marterlist in bio!

“Chuu? I’m here,” I said, patting her shoulder softly.  

The girl groaned, but didn’t open her eyes. I looked back at Yoongi who was standing by the door with crossed arms, a shadow of concern over his features.

“What did the healer say?”, I asked.

“Infection. You know she gets sick easily,” Yoongi said, voice quiet and husky. “But she’s getting better. The fever ceased and she stopped vomiting. The medicine is working.”

I sighed and looked back at the sleeping girl. Chuu always had a fragile health because of her poor conditions when an infant. It was almost a common happening to see her like this, however it did not make us any less concerned. 

The moment I stepped inside the palace after so many weeks, I immediately found Yoongi and he told me about her condition. I “vanished” from my superior’s sight before they could give me any task and ran to visit her on her quarters. Fortunately, her state wasn’t as bad as the last time she fell sick. I’ve never been so frightened to lose her as I was that time.

Of course, a guardian is not supposed to feel anything over the death of others. But I just couldn’t bring myself to be so cold anymore.

As I was about to ask something, we heard someone entering the room, what made Yoongi slightly startled.

It was Martha.  

I frowned, looking at the chief of the servants. What was she doing this late at night?

She crossed her arms and stared at Chuu with a censoring gaze. "Is she awake?"

"No. Isn't it obvious?", Yoongi replied, glaring at the woman in front of him, anger taking over already. It always amazed me how he could be so blatant towards his superiors.

"I'm getting tired of your insolence, Yoongi! Perhaps you want to pass some days without any food?!" Martha snapped, eyeing him angrily.

"There's no need to scream. I'm right in front of you," I knew Martha hated when he sounded so unaffected by her, and Yoongi never missed a chance to do it. He never kept his head down.

I used to think it was a bad, stupid behavior. Now, I could just think of how brave he was.

Martha rolled her eyes and huffed. "I did not come here to argue with you. Instead, I want to make clear that, sick or not, that girl has to be up in the kitchen at five. Vanaheim's Royal Entourage will be here in a few days and I can't lose any staff. I won't let anyone have a break simply because of a flu or whatever. Understood?"

Yoongi tightened his jaw, gripped the sleeves of his shirt. If looks could kill, Martha would have fallen dead right there.  

"Understood." He said between gritted teeth.

Martha nodded and looked back at Chuu one last time, disgust on her features. And I felt disgusted by her. How could she look at Chuu that way? A lovely, hardworking young girl? Couldn't she see how sick she was?  

"This girl is bringing me problems ever since she arrived. I always say that we must never buy useless slaves..." she murmured to herself, clicked her tongue and turned around, leaving the room.

Anger took over me.

A small, quiet and evil voice whispered in my head... it would be so easy to hurt her... humans are fragile, tiny creatures. It would be so easy to punish her, teach her a lesson...

"Y/N? I'm talking to you."

I blinked and looked up at Yoongi, that stared at me with confusion.

"What?"

"We should let her rest for now. Hopefully she'll be feeling better tomorrow morning," he said, sighing. I nodded and got up from my sitting position near the bed, looking down at Chuu. She seemed peaceful at least. I adjusted her blankets and followed Yoongi out of her quarter.

We had much to talk.

"You look different."

I frowned. "What?"

Yoongi was still staring at me, all the weight of his body sustained on his hands. The nightly breeze played with his dark locks; his skin could be compared with porcelain under the moonlight. "I don't know. You just... look different."

I frowned and took the tip of my braid between my fingers. "I didn't even cut my hair..." Not that it was relevant, since my hair was always braided because of my conduct code. Yoongi shook his head.

"I'm not talking about appearance. It's just that... I don't know, your posture changed."

I still stared at him, utterly confused. We hadn't talked much for the past minutes, a peaceful silence reigning above us instead as we watched the night sky. It was a habit of us since we were children: sit on the roof of the servants' quarters and talk. Yoongi is a cat so he barely sleeps at night and enjoys high places naturally; I just learned to like this activity because of him.

I enjoyed Yoongi's company. He was a rather quiet man and I was even quieter, however our time spent together was never unpleasant. If Chuu wasn't with us we'd barely communicate at all.  

I liked it. The silence has been my friend since my birth. With Yoongi, I felt that I did not have to think too much or act perfectly aligned. I could just breathe and have someone's company.

"I still did not understand," I confessed, what made Yoongi ruffle his hair, thoughtful expression.

"You looked angry down there with Martha." He said. "I don't know if you're aware of it, but you barely ever show any emotion at all. You look like a doll all the time. And no, this is not a compliment: stiff and emotionless. So, seeing you show anger was... shocking."

I nodded. Another thing that I admired about Yoongi: he was straightforward. He did not adorn his words or tried to make them less harsh. His brutal honesty was what I needed sometimes.

Yoongi knew me very well, so it was understandable that he could notice I have changed, however it still surprised me. Was it that obvious?

"Did something happen during your travel?" He asked, narrowing his eyes.

Yes, Yoongi definitely knew me very well.  

I pushed my legs near my chest and hugged them, resting my chin atop my knees. Instead of answering, I stared ahead in silence. Yes, many things happened during my travel. Things like interacting with other people freely, something that was completely foreign to me. Things like being "normal" for some moments, even though it was just pretending. Things like feeling freedom for the first time in my life - something absolutely denied to a dragon hybrid.

Things like Taehyung.

And also that gnawing, stinging sensation within my chest...

I needed someone to lighten me up. And this person would be Yoongi.

"Why do you hate humans so much?" I asked suddenly.

He groaned and rolled his eyes, annoyance shadowing his features immediately. "Y/N, please, if you're about to censure me again I'll leave..."

"No! You didn't understand," I said promptly, waving my hands. "I don't want to argue with you, Yoongi. I want to understand you."

The catman stared at me with mouth ajar, eyes narrowed.  

"Did you hit your head somewhere?"  

It was my time to roll my eyes. "Yoongi, please. This is important."

He still stared at me, looking suspicious, surprised and incredulous, all at once. I could understand why. Never did I make such question; I always said he was wrong, he should not hate humans, he should respect his superiors even when he was right, he should obey and obey and obey.

But Yoongi was right: I have changed.

I wanted to understand him. Of course, for a hybrid to hate a human wasn't a hard task, but I wanted to understand his motives. I wanted to know what my closest friend thought, because I never gave him the chance to explain himself and I never gave myself the chance to listen to him.

Yoongi went quiet for several moments. He stared ahead, adjusted his posture. "Honestly, the question should be how can someone not hate humans," he said.

I watched him in silence, eager to absorb everything he had to say. I knew Yoongi is not the kind to express himself easily, so it would probably take time.  

His eyes darkened. It was as if his shoulders weighted. I saw something on his gaze very similar to what I saw in Mrs. Dayo's eyes that day...

"I don't know my parents," he started quietly, voice deep and husky. "I barely remember anything about them. Just like Chuu, I was very young when they sold me to this... particular rich woman."

I knew he had reached a sensitive area. He passed his hand through his dark hair, inhaled softly.  

"Food in her house was great. I could eat anything I wanted. My room was big and comfortable. She bought me fine clothes and presents almost every day." Yoongi sighed and looked ahead. "She said she loved me. And I... I loved her, too. How couldn't I when she treated me so well?"

My chest tightened at each word of his, because I saw how Yoongi became smaller at each word. I have never seen him look... fragile.

"But then, as I grew up... I started to notice things weren't so perfect. Why didn't she let me play with other kids outside? Why did I have to stay inside the mansion all day? Why when she invited people to her house she introduced me as if I was some kind of exhibition? Why did she make me-"

Yoongi gasped at his own words.  

My fists tightened. He massaged his own forehead, looked down at his legs. I could feel that his each word felt like spikes within him. I hated seeing him in that situation.

"That's when I finally realized. I was her pet." He let a humorless, hurtful chuckle past his lips. "I was just one if her possessions. She didn't see me as her equal. She said she loved me, but if she did, why would she make me walk around with a choker on my neck? Why would she make those things to me?" He exhaled weakly and whispered: "I was just a boy."

I gulped, my heart so tight it hurt. Of course, I had an idea of what Yoongi went through on his past, however he never said it out loud – and he didn’t even need to finish. I could fathom the things the woman made him do...  

This explained so much about him.  

And again – there was that small voice in the back of my mind whispering, you went through similar things in your childhood...

“And why is that?”, he continued, a newborn anger growing on his voice – the anger I always heard when he touched this subject. “What gave her the right to own me like that? She had money, but it didn’t matter; she wasn’t better than me. She couldn’t tell me what to do. That’s why I ran away. My life has been miserable ever since, and I still despise myself for having no other choice but to work for humans here, but I am aware that it is the best chance I’ll have for now. I’d rather face Martha or other superiors every day than go back to that woman that treated me like a toy.”

“Freedom in a sewer is still better than slavery within a golden cage,” Mrs. Dayo’s words echoed in my ears.

“And it angers me. Why us hybrids are doomed for a miserable life since birth? What wrong did we do?” Yoongi crossed his arms, face frowned. I could see his hatred, his resignation, his revolt. “Why humans think they are superior? We are biologically different, but it doesn’t mean we’re animals. We have needs, we have desires, we have feelings. And no, I don’t care about the elves!” he looked at me as if I would interrupt him, however I just wanted to hear. “It’s been millennia since an elf stepped foot on Earth. I don’t know where they are now, I don’t know what happened and maybe I’m wrong, but if they cared about what happens here they wouldn’t have disappeared, so they have no right to tell us how things should be now. And it includes you.”

Yoongi stared at me seriously. There was still anger on his eyes, however I saw something underneath it... concern.

“I’ll never forget the day we met. You had a fucking poisoned arrow buried on your shoulder, Y/N. Did your master care about it?” He scoffed and shook his head slightly. “I don’t care if you truly believe that the elves ‘determined’ that your race should exist to protect kings. And even if it’s true, then they’re just pure evil. You were a kid. I know you’ve been through worse than me. But still, you’re so... submissive.”

I avoided his gaze, feeling somehow exposed by his speech. “This is not about me...”

“Yes, it is. It is about us. It is about en entire race.” Yoongi stared ahead, his gaze far away. “I’m always arguing with you about it because I want you to understand. Because I know you’re not the only one. How many hybrids think the same way as you? They simply accept their condition without saying a word. They’re slaves; just because their ‘owners’ treat them with minimal care they think they’re blessed, but they are still slaves. I could have anything I wanted from that woman, live a comfortable life; but I was still a slave. This is not our fate. This is not right. And it doesn’t matter how many years pass, even if I die being just a miserable man, even if I’m not able to change anything, I will never accept it. I won’t accept human’s crumbs. I want everything. I deserve everything.”

We fell in a deep, solemn silence.

It was almost hard to breathe. I knew Yoongi was a rebellious person, however I’ve never seen him speaking this way... with so much feeling.  

After everything I saw these past months, I could not ignore what he said. I could not ignore that flame inside of me, which just became stronger after I heard his words – as if my confused thoughts finally settled in a complete piece.

A part of me struggled. You are a dragon hybrid; you are a guardian. You exist to serve, to obey; this is the role the elves gave you, and you should feel honored. Hoseok’s voice echoed in my mind: “nothing is above honor.”

But then – there was that second voice, too. That second voice that was born the moment I accepted Taehyung’s offer, the moment I made a choice for the first time in my life, the moment someone offered me freedom for the first time:

Yoongi is right.

I shouldn’t. It was wrong. It went against everything I’ve ever done or learned my entire life...

But I agreed with him.

The whole Capital was at frenzy.

Vanaheim's Royal Entourage would arrive in a few days, so everyone - may it be at the palace or at the city overall - wanted nothing but perfection for their arrival. Squares were being decorated, streets impeccably cleaned, gardens reorganized; at the palace the work was just as hard, servants working with no rest to make every corner of the building pristinely clean and beautiful.

Vanaheim was Ëlv'en's greatest ally and one of the biggest and most powerful kingdoms of the continent. Placed at the Coast, they were well-known for the exportation of seafood, pearls, and their great navy, which possessed hundreds of ships both for war and exploration on their fleet. Rumors said that not even mermaids were brave enough to face Vanaheim's navy.  

Ëlv'en and Vanaheim held good relationships since the Five Great Kingdoms were stablished millennia ago. They had been partners not only in commercial accords but wars as well. That is why every ruler had to be very careful to keep this relationship working well. It reflected in why King Satoshi was coming himself to meet Taehyung, and not sending a representative in behalf of him.

Taehyung has been impossibly busy ever since the moment he stepped foot at the Capital again, working to make sure that the King's stay would be perfect. Since he wasn't meeting any foreign at the moment and staying inside the palace all the time, there was no need to follow him everywhere, however I saw him being followed by assistants and counselors all the time. When Taehyung wasn't inside his office working, he was resting on his royal quarters.

It was odd (and stupid), but the fact that we could barely talk made a hollowness set inside of me. I should not be feeling this way. I should be his shadow; quiet and imperceptible. I should not seek for his attention...

But I couldn't say I did not miss our secret expeditions, when I could pretend for a few hours that we did not have this insurmountable wall between us.

The fact is: I was deeply, utterly confused. Confusion was something I was not used to; my life has always been like a river floating peacefully in a single direction. Now, it felt like the angry sea under a storm.

Yoongi's words did not leave my mind. Why I always thought that he was wrong? It's not as if I had no idea hybrids where badly treated before. I didn't know so many hybrid villages existed before the expeditions with Taehyung, however I always knew most of them were slaves. I am a hybrid after all.

It felt as if I was blind all along; as if I was deaf, until someone finally took what was obstructing my ears and I was able to hear for the first time.

And what I heard were screams of pain and hatred. Voices yelling desperately to be heard...

Voices yelling for justice.

Why never did I hear them before?

And apparently, I was so out of my senses that I couldn't even hear literally, because it took me several moments to notice there was someone calling my name.

I turned around in the courtyard and saw Jungkook waving to me.

I walked towards the rabbit-boy. He looked physically way better than when we first met him – Jungkook had gained weight, his skin had a healthy color again, and he even cut his ebony hair, since when we met him his hair was long and horribly dirty. He still walked with a limp, but his injury was almost healed and he could do almost any task again – what he was doing at the moment, carrying some wooden crates towards the kitchen.

Instead of just letting him go, Taehyung decided that he still needed medical assistance and kept the young man with the Entourage. Jungkook barely interacted with anyone else, actually. Whenever Taehyung came around him, he would just nod and reply with monosyllabic sentences.  

He interacted with me, though.

It was odd, however I noticed that Jungkook felt somehow comfortable around be. Perhaps because I was one of the few females within the Entourage, perhaps because we were around the same age – I did not understand why, but he was slightly less stiff with me.

Just slightly.

I was the one who convinced him to come back with us and work at the palace. I knew they always needed manpower, and his good physique would be highly appreciated. As always, working at the palace wasn’t the best, but was also far from being the worst – and Jungkook surely knew the worst. He could work there for a while until he found out exactly what he wanted to do. Being honest, I didn’t even expect he would actually listen to me.

Of course, being a guardian, I shouldn’t have done what I did. But I’ve been doing a lot of things I shouldn’t lately, so I thought that one more thing wouldn’t hurt.

“Hello, Jungkook,” I greeted politely. “Are you getting used to the palace’s routine?”

The rabbit-boy cleaned his forehead with the back of his hand. “Perhaps. It’s not that bad.” He shrugged. “Is that woman Martha always so annoying?”

“She is worse,” I said honestly, what made Jungkook tilt his head – a very frequent habit of his, I could tell.

He exhaled and put his hands on each side of his waist, looking around. “Food is good here. The other servants are quite welcoming. I have more freedom than I had in my past work. I think having a bed is way better than sleeping on the ground. And, well... I like the fact that they call me servant and not slave.” he admitted. “Maybe you were right.”

“I’m happy to hear this,” I said, nodding.

“I am still a slave, though,” he murmured.

There it was again. That aggressiveness inside of him, a caged fire waiting for the right time to explode. I couldn’t judge him – not after what he suffered. I didn’t know what to say to ease his feelings. And honestly, I don’t think there was anything that could ease them at all.

“I can understand how you feel-” I started, only to be interrupted by his huff.

“No, you can’t understand me, Y/N. You’re a human, how could you understand?”

I stood there dazed for some seconds. Oh. Jungkook still did not know my true nature...  

“I am not a human, Jungkook.” I said quietly.

The rabbit-boy scoffed yet again, quirking one eyebrow. “And what are you, then? A dog?”

Instead of replying his quite unpolite sentence, I just stared deep within his eyes in silence.

Jungkook still had that mocking demeanor for some moments. Then, slowly, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he stared back at me.

From confusion, pure shock.

His eyes widened. He stepped behind. His breath got caught on his throat.

“You are... y-you are...” he stuttered weakly.  

I just nodded once.

Jungkook let a shaky exhale, passed his hand through his hair. “I-I would never have noticed if you didn’t tell me... dragon,” he whispered the last word weakly.

“Yes. Believe me, I understand how you feel-”

“You are a dragon hybrid,” Jungkook repeated as if he hadn’t heard me at all.

Then, I saw a reaction I was definitely not expecting.

His big round eyes shining in pure amazement. His lips lifted up in a smile. He measured me from head to toe as if seeing me for the first time.  

Why did he look amazed? The only person I saw showing a similar reaction was Taehyung, but with Jungkook it was much more intense.

“This is why I felt something about you- something I couldn’t understand back then-” Jungkook continued, his maniac grin only growing. “A dragon hybrid! How can you camouflage yourself so well between humans? Why are you covering your own presence? Now that you told me I can feel it- It’s like- it's like a noise so constant you get used to it and don’t even notice it until someone points out, and now that you pointed out... I can feel your power!”

I watched him, completely confused, as Jungkook mumbled his nonsense.  

What?

“Of course I have to cover my presence. I am the guardian of the King,” I said, eyeing him.

And with a single sentence, all the amazement vanished from Jungkook's eyes, being replaced by shock...

And outrage.

"The King's guardian?", he crossed his arms over his toned chest, narrowing his eyes. "Why do you serve them?"

"You know why," I said, now even more confused. "It was the role the elves gave my species."  

However, after hearing Yoongi's words, after everything I went through for the past two months, even I thought my words sounded empty. I did not pronounce them with the same intent, with the same pride I used to pronounce.

It was just an excuse.  

I didn't even know if it was right anymore.

Jungkook rolled his eyes - eyes that just a few seconds ago looked at me with astonishment, now looked at me judgingly. "You are a dragon. How can you accept this situation? How can you willingly let them tame you? These... these humans?"  

"You don't understand, Jungkook. I chose to be here. I chose to protect the King," I said, tightening my fists. Who this boy thought he was to judge me like that? He didn't know me.  

"Why do you let them treat you like that?" Jungkook continued, once again, as if he hadn't heard me. "I saw that man slapping your face at the inn, one day before we came to the Capital."

I almost gasped.  

"He is my superior..." I said weakly.

"And?" Jungkook shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe it. You are- your race is the most powerful in existence, and you still let these humans treat you like this? You let them treat you like a slave? You submissively let them do it to you?"  

I could only stare at him.

I did not know what to say.

Jungkook shook his head again.

"My parents always told me about dragons. They said you were mighty and powerful. But now what I see is just disappointing."

Once again, I was confused. Why would his parents even tell him something about dragon hybrids in the first place? "And what did you expect of me?"

"Certainly not this." He stepped forward, suddenly lowering his voice. I could see the fiery anger burning within his eyes, within his soul. "You know very well how our race is suffering not only here, but through the entire continent. You know we are enslaved and treated like animals. However, you do nothing. Most of us can't fight against them, but you can. And you do nothing! You accept this situation, you agree with it. You let us rot and die."

"What?" I stared at him in disbelief. "Are you even hearing yourself? How can you blame me? This is not my fault!"

"If you have the power to change it yet you chose to do nothing, then yes, it is your fault!" Jungkook stormed, making me look at him in utter shock. "You prefer to serve a human, a man from a lineage of murderers, instead of helping the ones of your own race!"

"You are wrong." I immediately stepped forward, rage suddenly taking over me. I saw regret and fear passing through Jungkook's eyes for a moment, as if he realized he shouldn't have gone this far. I did not care if he offended me, but I wouldn't let him say such things about Taehyung. "His Majesty is not a murderer. You should know it. If it wasn't for him, you would be dead by now; he saved you. His Majesty is good."

Jungkook stared at me for some moments. I saw his anger calming down a little, but not disappearing. The flame was still there, burning him inside out.

"If he is good," Jungkook started, his voice quieter yet spiteful, "Then why did he make you his slave?"

"I am not his slave-" I tried to say.

"Can you quit your job?" He interrupted me. "Can you tell him you want to leave? Can you go anywhere without his or other superior's consent? Can you live a life of your own?" I slowly closed my mouth. I didn't know what to say. "We both know the answer is no. This is called slavery. You are just like me; you are a slave." He stepped closer to me, lowering his voice even more. "He might do some good things, like what he did to me. But he will never understand us or know what we feel. He is the most privileged one, why would he want to change anything? It might look like he will change things, but he does it to keep his good popularity. He is young, he is charismatic, people believe him easily. This is what the Kim Dynasty has been doing since the beginning. And if you don't believe me, then see things by yourself. You know him more than I do after all."

I hated it. I hated not knowing what to say. I hated not having an answer. I hated it that I could not defend my master.

I hated it that he managed to put this question inside of me.

Because something started to bother me terribly from the moment he pronounced these words.

"If she loved me so much, why would she make me walk around with a choker?", I heard Yoongi's voice saying quietly in my mind.

I carried something similar around my neck, too.

My medallion. One of the only five in existence. Five Great Kingdoms, five great guardians. The symbols that pointed me as Ëlv'en's Royal Guardian; symbols of loyalty and submission...

It was nothing but a choker.

A choker for a trained animal.

Why do you let them tame you like that?

No human should tame you.

"The King requests your presence at the principal hall."

That single sentence made a thrill rush over my body.

I thanked the guard that came to give me this message and closed the door of my room. What did he want? It's been days since the last time we've been close. Besides, it was already late in the night...

I gulped.

After dressing myself appropriately to be in the presence of the King, I left my room. A twirl of feelings made havoc inside of me - some I could recognize, some I couldn't. There was excitement, I couldn't deny. As wrong as it was, I missed him.

And there was... suspicion.

As if Yoongi's words weren't enough, now Jungkook's words also did not let me rest - especially what he said about Taehyung.  

I have always been suspicious of him. Again, I did not know why he chose me as his guardian, and honestly most of his intentions were unknown. Jungkook just added more fire to the pit.  

"If he is so good, then why did he make you his slave?"

Only a little time ago, I would never see things this way. I was always proud to be a guardian. But now... I couldn't deny that I partially agreed with what Jungkook said. I was a slave.  

Did it mean Taehyung was just another evil King...?

No, an angry part of me said. I tightened my fists, my steps echoing through the quiet palace hallways. Jungkook didn't know what he was saying; he didn't know Taehyung as well as me. I might not fully understand him, but he was the man that helped hybrids with his own power after all. How could it be considered a political movement when the hybrids didn't even know they were at the presence of their King? I knew Taehyung hated this situation, he hated seeing people suffer. Besides, he was good to me from the moment we met. Taehyung never forced me to do anything. He was the one who made me feel freedom for the first time in my life.  

He was not evil...

But I could not think much of it, because in the moment I saw him standing there my mind went completely blank.

It was odd how my heart was beating so fast. It's been just a few days since I did not see him from up close, yet the sight was enough to almost make me trip over my own feet. Why every detail about him was able to make me so amazed? His tanned skin, his soft dark hair, his broad shoulders and perfect posture. Graceful, but at the same time strongly masculine. Everything about him was perfectly balanced.

He had his hands inside the front pockets of his pants. Taehyung wore casual clothes (note that the royal standard of casual is what a common person would never be able to purchase). Black pants, navy blue shirt. I always thought he looked good in blue.

He turned around when noticed my presence and opened a small smile.

I stopped in front of him and bowed respectfully. "Good night, Your Majesty."

"Good night," he replied. It was also odd that I missed the sound of his quiet, deep voice.  

"Your Majesty requested my presence. Did something wrong happen?" I asked. Why was I feeling so stiff all of sudden?

"We're going somewhere," he said with no further explanations. "Follow me."

I did as he said in silence as he guided me through the palace. The whole building was utterly quiet, almost empty, only guards doing the nightly vigilance. Vanaheim's King would arrive the next day, so the place was already prepared for his arrival. It was time for everyone to rest before the big event.

Taehyung should be included, but as always, he did the exact opposite of what everyone expected.

I side eyed him. The King looked weirdly relaxed, his hands still inside the pockets. He smelled of soap and his hair was slightly damp, what told me he had just taken a shower. However, I still noticed the bags beneath his eyes.

"You're uncharacteristically quiet today," Taehyung said suddenly.

He was right. But somehow, it felt strange to be around him again. I did not feel so comfortable to interact with him inside the palace where he was the King twenty-four hours a day as when we were traveling. Also, I could not forget General Seokjin's warning...

"I am a quiet person, Your Majesty," I said sheepishly.

Taehyung chuckled quietly. "I know. Well, it's not a big deal. I enjoy your company, quiet or not."

It was also odd how my heart nearly stopped because of his sentence.

We arrived at one of the palace's side exits near the gardens. The royal garden was gigantic, millimetrically pruned into perfection. Millions of flowers, fountains made of gold gurgling water quietly, and there was even a maze made of bush walls. The scenery still looked beautiful even at night.  

We crossed the camp in silence and reached the almost hidden exit. There was a guard waiting for us. With no words, he handed us two simple hooded cloaks, which he put over our shoulders promptly. Before we left, Taehyung put his hand on the guard's shoulder and nodded.

"Thank you, Jaehyun," he said. The guard just bowed respectfully.

And in a few minutes we were walking freely through the city.

Most streets were quiet, but as expected of a big city there was a considerable number of people awake, inside taverns or restaurants, having peaceful walks at the Capital's many squares, enjoying the cozy night. Most big cities in Ëlv'en were safe, so it was not shocking to see kids walking around this late at night.  

I have never been out at that hour. I could not leave the palace without permission. Seeing people having fun, dancing inside taverns at the sound of loud music or simply enjoying themselves was somehow pleasing-

My mind went blank again when I felt Taehyung's hand holding mine.

"Your Majesty-" I gasped, completely shocked.

"It will be less suspicious if people think we're just a couple walking around," Taehyung explained quietly, sounding unbothered.

I swallowed and nodded weakly. "Alright."

Alright. Yes, alright.

We walked through a busy street, people just too drunk to even bother noticing us. Taehyung walked unhurriedly, his other hand still inside the front pocket.  

His hand was big.

It made a warmth spread through my entire arm, and my neck, and my face-

Focus!, I scolded myself. We're just holding hands. This is to make us less suspicious. There's no need to be so nervous.

He started to swing our hands between our bodies just slightly.  

There's no need to be so nervous.

Taehyung looked so carefree and young...

Don't be nervous! It will be embarrassing if your hand start sweating!

He looked up to the cloudless night sky. A faint smirk adorned his features.

His grip around my hand tightened almost imperceptibly.  

Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe-

"We arrived," Taehyung said, his steps coming to a halt.

I looked up to the building in front of us, placed in an empty street. The wooden board just above the front door said...

Royal Capital's Orphanage?

Taehyung stepped closer and knocked on the door three times.

Almost immediately, an old woman opened the door, a wide smile on her face.

"Tae Tae!" She exclaimed, opening her arms for a hug.

I frowned. Tae Tae?

Taehyung dropped my hand and engulfed the short woman into one of his tight hugs. "Zofia! It's been so long!" He said happily.

I watched the scene in utter confusion. I should be used to this already.  

It took me some moments to notice the small deer horns peeking from her grizzly hair. A hybrid.

"Get inside!" She said, still smiling and patting Taehyung's back softly.  

I followed them quietly, while that woman Zofia ruffled his hair and made questions such as "How have you been? How's your sister? Are you eating well?"

(I wondered why Taehyung held the love of each elder woman he encountered.)

He then looked at me. "Ah! Zofia, this is Y/N. She's my friend." He said happily. The woman's eyes fell on me and she smiled. I stepped forward and offered my hand for her to take, as I have learned to do when meeting someone, but instead of just the hand she took my entire arm and squeezed me in a tight hug.

"Y/N! It is a pleasure to meet you!" She said, laughing.

"Huh... the pleasure is mine, ma'am," I replied, bashful.

"Where are the kids?" Taehyung asked as Zofia finally let me go, looking around.  

"They are already sleeping, Tae. What did you expect? You came so late," she said, crossing her arms.

Taehyung looked disappointed for a second. I already knew he liked kids a lot. "Well, unfortunately we can't stay long anyway."

"There's no problem, Tae. I know you are very busy." She then put her hands on her chest and sighed, looking up at him with yelling affection. "I can't believe my little boy now is the King! You looked so beautiful during the coronation ceremony!"

Taehyung smiled and scratched the nape of his neck. As odd as it sounds, he did look like a little boy in that moment. "Thank you, Zofia. I promise I'll come back another day when I have more time." He then straightened his posture. "Where's Jimin?"

"He's in the office, waiting for you."  

Taehyung nodded and motioned me to follow him.

The orphanage was big and clean, although I could see some toys threw her and there. It wasn't a big surprise that Taehyung would know such place anymore.  

He opened a particular door and smiled. "Jimin!"

I followed him inside the office and saw another man, a human, probably the same age as Taehyung. He had honey blond hair and feline eyes, which were almost completely closed as he smiled and approached Taehyung.

They hugged and patted each other's backs for some moments, mumbling greetings to each other. As usual, I stood awkwardly some steps away. Who was that man? Why did Taehyung want to meet him?

I introduced myself and Jimin smiled sweetly in reply. There was a smoothness about him I didn't frequently see in common humans; his gaze was almost as piercing as Taehyung's.  

"So, why did you call me?" Jimin started, crossing his arms and leaning his hip on the wooden desk. "I have to say, all this mystery made me nervous. Why is Ëlv'en's King wanting to meet me in secret?"

I saw Taehyung rolling his eyes and they smiled at each other. Jimin said "Ëlv'en's King" with a mocking playfulness, as an old friend would say.

"I need you to do something for me, Jimin," Taehyung said, still smiling, however his voice got serious.  

"You understand that I can't do it without asking something in return, don't you?" Jimin said quirking one eyebrow.

Taehyung huffed and crossed his arms. "Of course you'll be fairly paid."

"Well, taking money from the King is not something that happens everyday. I can't let this chance go," Jimin said, shrugging, a mischievous smirk on his plump lips. "What is it?"

"I need you to find some archives to me at the Tower," Taehyung said. "I want to know the name of every shapeshifter in this continent. A wolf shapeshifter, to be more specific."

Oh.

So that's why we came here. I should've figured; Taehyung did not explain what he wanted to do inside the palace because it would be dangerous, since he thought the culprit was one of his own family and could be hearing our conversation.  

Jimin nodded. "Well, it won't be difficult. There aren't many shapeshifters out there." The blond man narrowed his eyes. "But why don't you ask for it yourself? You are the King, Taehyung. You could get anything you wanted from the Royal Mages."

"No questions, Jimin. For your own sake," Taehyung said seriously. Jimin still eyed him suspiciously, but ended up agreeing.

"Alright, I'll see what I can do."  

"Thank you." Taehyung then smiled sadly. "Unfortunately, I can't stay long. We can talk properly when I have more time."

"But I won't have time from now on," Jimin said, his eyes suddenly gleaming with excitement.  

He approached Taehyung and put his hand on his shoulder.

"Seulgi is pregnant, Taehyung."

The King looked at him in complete awe, his mouth forming a perfect "o".

“What?” Taehyung exclaimed, a huge, genuine smile growing on his lips. He immediately pushed Jimin (rather roughly) into a tight hug, both men laughing – while once again I stood there uncomfortably, feeling like an intruder. “God! I am so happy for you!”

“It was unexpected, but we’re happy, too,” Jimin said. If auras had color, Jimin’s would be bright yellow; pure joy.  

“Where is Seulgi?” Taehyung asked, finally leaving the shorter one.  

“She’s hidden and safe.” Jimin assured. I frowned. Why would she – Jimin's wife, apparently – need to be hidden? “I promise that when things get calmer, I’ll take you to visit her. She misses you, too.”

I watched as they kept talking with smiles on their faces. As usual, I did not fully understand the situation... but all I could focus on was Taehyung’s smile. Taehyung’s eyes shining in delight.

He got so happy simply because of other’s happiness.

How could someone like him be evil?

Our way back to the palace was silent, but it was my fault. I couldn’t think properly with Taehyung holding my hand.

The moment we stepped out of the Orphanage (after Zofia shoved Taehyung with hugs, kisses on his cheeks and said “may the elves guide you” to us hundreds of times), his hand immediately held mine again. I had to gather all of my self-control not to gasp. I was not used to such physical contact; however, if it was any other man, I would have pushed them away. With Taehyung, though...

Well.

He looked even more relaxed after our visit, a lazy smile on his lips all the time. We entered the palace’s property again and-

And he was still holding my hand.

Why is he still holding my hand? We’re not in the streets anymore, there’s no need to pretend-

“I have to keep reminding you all the time that you can make me questions, isn’t it, Y/N?”

I blinked, side eyeing my master. It was difficult to look at him when he was so close. He probably thought I wanted to make questions about today, when in fact I was trying not to combust.

“I apologize, Your Majesty,” I said weakly. Taehyung chuckled.

“You don’t have to apologize all the time, Y/N.”

“Oh. I apologize for apologizing too much.”

Taehyung laughed for real at this, looking at me playfully. “Was that a joke?”

“Unfortunately, I don’t know how to make jokes, Your Majesty,” I said.  

“And this was sarcasm.” Taehyung tilted his head slightly. Why did he look endeared? “Who are you learning these things from?”

Only if he knew my closest friend was the most sarcastic person in existence...

“Why does Jimin’s wife needs to hide?” I got brave enough and decided to ask, changing the topic completely to take his attention off of me.

“Because she’s a hybrid. You know how hard this situation is for pregnant hybrids,” Taehyung replied. I knew it; their babies could be stolen so they could be sold as slaves. It was a sad, common occurrence free hybrids had to deal with.

That’s not what shocked me, though.

“She is a hybrid? And they are married?” I exclaimed to myself. Taehyung nodded.

“Yes. Many humans are married to hybrids, Y/N. You just don’t hear about it because it’s against the law,” the King explained.

Before I could make any more questions about this strange and unexpected situation, Taehyung gasped and his steps came to a halt, making me stop as well. He stared up to the sky.

"It's full moon," he exclaimed, as if he had remembered something very important.

"It is," I murmured, looking at the silver orb glowing brightly in the cloudless sky.

Taehyung thought for some moments, then faced me. It was one of these moments which I couldn't bring myself to look away. And he has never been so close...

His eyes gleamed with newborn excitement. "Do you want to see something amazing?"

I stared at him in awe. How could a man look so pure? How could I say no to whatever he was proposing?  

"Yes...?" I said, confused.

Taehyung nodded, his grip on my hand tightening. "Then let's go. We don't have much time!"

And with that, he started to run towards the entrance of the palace, dragging me along.  

I accompanied his pace with no difficulty, our hurried steps echoing loudly through the building. Taehyung guided me through the labyrinth that is this colossal palace, turning on corners and going upstairs, never once slowing his pace. I recognized where he was leading me to: the royal quarters where members of the royalty had their private rooms, a zone usually forbidden to me. 

"We're almost there!" He said, stopping momentarily in front of a great painting, just as tall as the entire wall. I watched as Taehyung pushed the frame, revealing it to be actually a hidden door. It was not surprising; this palace had hundreds of secret passages, all of them which I had memorized...

But I never entered this particular passage.

Taehyung guided me inside and closed the door behind him; I saw a spiral staircase that led several floors up.  

"Let's go," he said, panting. We started to make our way up relentlessly until, after some minutes, we finally reached the top.

Taehyung opened one door and I found myself breathless.  

Not because of our run, though.

We were at the top of one of the highest towers of the castle, hundreds of meters away from the ground. It had no ceiling, what gave us a beautiful sight of the entire Capital, blanketed by the night.  

Taehyung finally dropped my hand, breathing heavily, and dried the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand. I too took some moments to recover my breath.  

Taehyung looked up. "Good. It seems we arrived just in time," he said.  

"In time to what, Your Majesty?" I asked. Wasn't this beautiful view the "amazing" thing he said before?

Taehyung stared at the horizon. Slowly, a smile creeped up on his lips.

He pointed ahead. "In time for that", he said quietly. I looked in the direction he was pointing, confused.

At first, it was just a tiny white point.

But it started to grow. It was approaching us, flying in the sky in our direction.

When I finally figured out what that thing was, I gasped loudly. Taehyung laughed.

I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing.

"Y/N, I introduce you my friend Alpha," the King said proudly.

I watched in utter shock as it finally landed on the tower, its gigantic wings making so much wind it made our hairs and clothes wave violently. Its feathers and fur were completely white. Head and wings similar of an eagle; bottom similar of a lion. Its eyes were icy blue - intelligent eyes that landed on Taehyung immediately.

It was...

"A griffin", I whispered in pure astonishment.

Taehyung approached the majestic creature, a wide smile on his lips. "Hi, Alpha. How have you been?"

The griffin stared at him and lowered his head. I watched in pure awe as Taehyung caressed his head, making the creature close his eyes, pleasured.

Taehyung looked back at me, who was still completely frozen in place. "Come here, Y/N!" He exclaimed, gesticulating for me to approach.

I stepped closer hesitantly. The griffin was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen; his snow-white body seemed to shine under the moonlight. He was colossal and his claws could rip a person apart. Beautiful, however powerful and lethal.

Taehyung held my wrist gently. "It's okay. He won't hurt you," he said quietly, guiding my hand to rest on the griffin's head.

The creature looked at me intently. I tentatively caressed him, and Alpha seemed to like it. I couldn't hold my smile.

"Alpha," I pronounced his name in a whisper. The griffin stared at me. I could tell he was too intelligent, so intelligent he could understand us to some level. I noticed his completely white body - the perfect camouflage. A creature of ice. "Were you born in Niflheim, too?" I asked. Alpha blinked slowly, as if saying 'yes'. My smile only grew. "Then it means you're my brother."

"He knows who you are," Taehyung said slowly, his voice barely audible over the sound of the wind. "He respects you."

He looked amazed. Not by Alpha; by me.  

I immediately avoided his gaze.

"How...?" I questioned, unable to formulate a coherent sentence.

"I saved him from hunters, three years ago. He was severely injured," Taehyung explained. I noticed a big scar crossing Alpha's face. "I also helped him to heal. After that, Alpha visits me wherever I go, always during the first full moon of a lunar cycle. I don't understand why he chose this specific date, though."

I nodded, my hand still resting on Alpha's head. He seemed comfortable. "It is said that griffins were the familiars of elves," I said quietly.

Taehyung nodded. "I know. That is, until mankind almost made them extinct." Taehyung sighed, staring at Alpha deeply. "I can't understand how someone could be able to hurt such creature. They almost don't exist anymore. That's why nobody knows about Alpha. I'm concerned that someone might hurt him again."

I nodded. An idea popped up on my mind.

"Do you think Alpha wants to be your familiar, that's why he follows you?" I asked.

Taehyung crossed his arms and shook his head. "Ah, no. I just think he wants to show his gratitude. Sometimes I think he sees me as his child," Taehyung chuckled. "He is not tied to me; he is free. That is how everyone should be, don't you think? Free."

In that moment, I couldn’t agree more with what he said.

But a small voice inside of me whispered... am I free, too?

Alpha suddenly moved, straightening his posture and watched us from above. Taehyung put his hands on his waist. “It’s time for him to leave. He never stays long when I’m at the Capital; he knows it’s dangerous to be in such a crowded city.” The King smiled and waved to the ethereal creature. “See you soon, Alpha.”

The griffin landed his gaze on Taehyung for some moments, then he looked at me. I could see and feel the purity of his soul. A creature so imposing and noble, the last reminiscent that elves once lived among us in Earth. I never thought I would live long enough to see one in person. So little of them remained after the elves disappeared...

“Bye, Alpha,” I said softly. “It was a pleasure meeting you.”

Alpha looked at me intently, and I swear I saw him nodding his head. We stepped behind when he extended his immense wings, flying away with yet another gust of wind.

We watched in silence as the creature became smaller and smaller, until he disappeared in the night.

“This is yet another secret I ask you to keep,” Taehyung said lightheartedly. I nodded.

“Of course, Your Majesty.”

Stepping away from him, I looked around. The sight was breathtaking; the city below looked like a glowing map. The sight extended kilometers and kilometers in front of us, so far I could see where the city ended, so far I could almost see the Styx River at West and the Great Forest Baïkarh at East. Legends said Baïkarh hid the entrance to Alfheim and the Styx River hid the entrance to Helheim; East and West, good and evil, mighty and dishonored side by side.  

“It’s wonderful,” I whispered to myself, putting my hands over the parapet made of stone.

“I’d rather say frightening.”

I frowned and looked back to my master.

Taehyung seemed uneasy, shifting the weight of his body uncomfortably. His eyebrows were frowned in a concerned expression, he gulped and suddenly looked small-

“Is Your Majesty scared of heights?” I questioned, quirking one eyebrow.

The King scratched the nape of his neck, looking bashful. “Is it embarrassing?”

I couldn’t help but smile. “Of course not, Your Majesty. This is a common phobia,” I reassured him.

Taehyung almost screamed when he saw me sitting on the parapet, my legs swinging into nothing.

“Hey- this is dangerous! You shouldn’t-” he tried, approaching one step.

He froze whein I extended my arm encouragingly in his direction in silence.

“Hm, I don’t think so...” he murmured, staring at my hand with pure fright on his eyes.

“It’s alright,” I reassured him again. “I won’t let Your Majesty fall.”

Taehyung looked at me. He definitely caught the slight tone of challenge in my voice. The King sighed, passed his hand through his hair and rolled his eyes, giving in. “I hope you’re not trying to kill me, Y/N.”

He approached with hesitant steps, gripping my hand. Very carefully, he sat by my side on the parapet. It was almost like seeing a cat approaching water. Taehyung gulped, his legs wobbly, his hand gripping mine so tightly it would’ve hurt if I weren’t so accustomed with pain.

“Wow, this is high. Very, very high.” he gulped again; I could feel his hand shaking slightly against mine. His voice sounded uncharacteristically high pitched and I had to control myself not to laugh. “Oh my God, I think I’ll vomit-”

“Don’t look down. Look ahead instead,” I advised.  

Taehyung did what I said, however his body was completely stiff. “How can you be so relaxed when we’re hundreds of meters away from the ground?”

“I am focusing in the view instead of caring about the danger, Your Majesty,” I said softly. And of course, there was the fact I can actually fly, but he didn’t know about it.

“Hm. Okay.” Taehyung went quiet for some more moments. “I get quite talkative when I’m scared, so you’ll have to bear me right now.”

“If it makes Your Majesty feel better,” I said, still looking ahead.

“I remembered something interesting these days,” Taehyung continued, his voice sounding slightly maniac at the moment. “I remember you from when I was little.”

I widened my eyes, shocked. “You do?”

“Yes. Sometimes, I had the impression I saw a little girl following my father. Seokjin said it was the angry spirit of a dead princess that haunted the palace. I couldn’t sleep for weeks.” Taehyung laughed shakily. I smiled too, imagining a frightened young Taehyung under the blankets, trying to sleep. “When I told my father, he simply scolded me as always.”

I side eyed him; it’s been a while since I noticed Taehyung held some hard feelings towards his father, yet he never said it out loud. “He was indeed a severe man,” I said very carefully.

Taehyung huffed. “He was beyond severe. It’s alright, Y/N. We don’t need to pretend. We both know he was not a good person.”

The words got stuck in my throat.  

That was unexpected; the stinging sorrow in his voice, the amount of feelings he had within himself. And more importantly – I never thought of my past master this way...

Not yet.

“I... can’t say it for sure,” I admitted, suddenly feeling that turmoil of feelings again. It’s been a while since I’ve been remembering my interactions with King Taejun; he was severe and serious, did not accept any failure. Yet – saying out loud he was bad was something hard to do.

Taehyung watched me in silence for some moments.

“Did you love him, Y/N?” he asked quietly.

I didn’t know what to say.

More importantly, I didn’t understand why he was asking me that.

Love? I respected King Taejun. He was my sun, the reason I would wake up every day. He was the main purpose of my existence. But... love?

“I don’t know,” I whispered, almost as if it was a secret confession. “I don’t know what love is.”

Taehyung nodded and looked ahead.

“It’s alright. I don’t have much experience in this area, either. At least when it’s about paternal love.” I watched him in silence, eager to hear more – especially because I noticed how his grip in my hand was softening, how he was slowly relaxing as he talked. “I was a long-awaited son, but not for the right reasons. My father needed a heir, someone to carry on his legacy. But my mother always had a fragile health. They tried to have children multiple times and failed. My father was going desperate; if he did not have a child of his own, then one of my cousins would become the heir. The crown would leave the principal branch of the Kim House, and disgrace would fall on his shoulders. So you can imagine how satisfied he was when my mother finally gave birth.”

I nodded slowly, encouraging him to keep talking. I did not know why he decided to talk about his life, but I was more than satisfied.

“In the end, I don’t think Taejun saw me as his son after all. I was just the heir, the crown prince. And in order to carry his legacy, he wanted me to be like him.” Taehyung tilted his head. I could see his mind was far away, drowned in memories. “I had classes with the teachers he chose about the themes he wanted. He never approved my interest for magic, because he thought it was useless. However, when I bothered him way too much, guess what? He chose who would teach me.”

“Sir Gael,” I remembered. Now things were starting to make sense. Taehyung nodded.

“Yes. I was always surrounded by people that thought like him. People that said things like pure-human supremacy and unholy hybrids.” He huffed, rolling his eyes. “I would escape to that Orphanage we visited when things got too boring, you know. I met Jimin and Seulgi there. In that Orphanage, both human and hybrid kids grow together with no difference between them. While at home I heard things like unholy hybrids, at that Orphanage I played with these kids and they were just... normal. How could them be bad and unholy? Even as a kid I could see there was something wrong with it.”

His entire body was relaxing slowly, voice getting lower. His grip around my hand was comfortable now.  

“When I was old enough, I finally got tired of my father wanting to control every aspect of my life. I wanted to see things with my own eyes, to learn from people that did not think like him, to see the real world. Me and my father fought every day. It felt like hell, honestly.” Taehyung let a quiet, humorless chuckle past his lips. “Until we finally made a deal. How did he like to say? “You don’t gain things, you negotiate them.” And so did I. Taejun finally let me go. For the past six years, I’ve been traveling the world. I’ve been visiting places, learning from different people.”

“This is how Your Majesty met your mentor?” I asked quietly.

“Yes. This is how I met Petrus. My father would never approve it if he knew who was teaching me, but now he couldn’t tell me what to do.”

“And this is why people know you as ‘Vante’”. So many things were getting clear right now, like the fact that I barely knew or remembered anything about him; he has been away. Taehyung nodded.

“I wanted to get close to people, hybrids in special, but if I went to them and introduced myself as the crown prince they would probably kill me or worse. I’m sure you noticed how the common population hates the royal family. Because of that, Vante was born. My disguise was more a safety measure than anything... well, being honest, as I started to help people in these villages, I didn’t want them to know who I was after all. Everything I did as the prince would reflect in my father’s reputation, and I didn’t want to make him seem good at this point.”

“Didn’t your father know what Your Majesty was doing?”  

“Not really.” Taehyung said, tilting his head. “I knew he sent people to follow me, but I always managed to escape. Of course, sometimes I had no other choice but come back for official events and such. In the meantime, I was just Vante.”

I watched him in silence for some moments, just the sound of the wind between us. His hair waved softly. “Your Majesty likes being Vante.” It wasn’t a question, for I already knew the answer.

“Being Vante is simple. No luxury, no pretending, not having to impress everyone all the time.” Taehyung sighed deeply. “Unfortunately, I can’t be him anymore from now on.”

I frowned slightly. What did he mean?

“Who do you like the most? Taehyung or Vante?” he asked suddenly, voice playful, making me avoid his gaze, flustered.

“You and him are the same person,” I said sincerely, making Taehyung roll his eyes.

“You know what I mean.”

“But that’s what I see. You and Vante are the same, I don’t see any difference between you. Both are good people that cares for others.”  

Taehyung stared at me, a smile slowly growing on his lips. “So, that means you like me.”

My lungs failed.

“I- well-” I stuttered, looking at anything but him, feeling my entire body get hot when he suddenly intertwined his fingers with mine. Why did I get so nervous? Why was my heart beating so fast? He didn’t even say something shocking – he was my master, so it was no surprise that I would like him, right?

But King Taejun used to be my master, and my heart never fluttered when I was around him. Not this way...  

Why is that? What does he mean by “like”? “Like” in what sense?  

Taehyung laughed loudly. It seems that he was already very comfortable.

“Well, I personally prefer Vante,” he said, looking at our intertwined hands. While his was warm, mine was cold. “Vante is a simple guy. Kim Taehyung... he is complicated. He has many secrets.”

Again, I saw a glimpse of sorrow in his eyes. Beautiful, dark eyes. How could he be so honest, but at the same time so difficult to understand? It felt like staring at the surface of a lake; beautiful at sight, but impossible to know its true depth.

It was scary how I wanted to get into this lake.

“It seems that Your Majesty isn’t afraid of the height anymore,” I pondered after some seconds of silence. Taehyung chuckled.

“No, I’m still frightened. Please, don’t ask me to do this again.” A small smile adorned his lips. “But... you were right. The sight is beautiful.”

I smiled too, focusing in the gorgeous sight in front of us.

Trying to pretend that I didn’t notice how he said that last sentence looking at me, and not at the landscape.

I watched as King Satoshi entered the Throne Room accompanied by his Entourage.

The short man smiled widely as his gaze locked with Taehyung’s, who was approaching as well. Vanaheim’s king has always been a warm person, as far as I remembered; he didn’t change much in appearance, his long black hair the same, as well as his extravagant green attire. He was considerably young, barely fifty years old.

Instead of shaking Taehyung’s hand when they were close enough, King Satoshi hugged my master, patting his back and smiling.  

I couldn’t really focus on them because of the other man behind Satoshi – barely a shadow.

Yuta.

Vanaheim’s dragon-guardian stared at me with confused and shocked eyes. However, instead of showing anger the way Hoseok did, Yuta locked gazes with me and nodded respectfully – his way to greet me in silence. Yuta has always been a pondered and calm man after all, the exact opposite of Hoseok.

I knew my brother was probably judging me, though, and yet again I would be forced to give explanations – but not now.

Satoshi put his hands on Taehyung’s shoulders and measured him from head to toe, eyes shining.

“Ah, look at you, Tae. The elves sure have been blessing you. I remember just yesterday you were a skinny brat running around. The man you’ve become!”  

Taehyung laughed loudly, and I could hear his laugh was sincere. Satoshi’s choice of words was quite inappropriate, but for a man that was similar to an uncle, it was no problem.

After greeting Taehyung, King Satoshi proceeded to greet the Queen Mother, Seojeon, in one of her rare appearances. The woman was still incredibly beautiful; it seems that the years had no effect on her at all. He then greeted Taehyung’s younger sister, Princes Yeri – just as beautiful as her mother.

“King Satoshi, it is an honor to receive the Minatozaki Royal House in our Kingdom,” Taehyung said when the greetings ended. Satoshi nodded.

“I am excited to begin our negotiations, Taehyung. I’m sure that the bond between our kingdoms will get stronger than ever. We have many issues to discuss, but I don’t want to delay things; you probably already know our main theme.”

Probably nobody noticed it. Nobody knew Taehyung as well as me. He stiffened just slightly for a single moment – too fast for anyone to notice.

When King Satoshi spoke again, I could understand why.

I not only understood, but also felt a foreign, deep and agonizing pain strike my heart like an arrow. Something I shouldn’t be feeling, something that didn’t make any sense. But I felt anyway. As stupid and inappropriate as it is, I felt it.

In that moment, I finally realized: Taehyung wasn’t just a master to me.

And he would never be anything more than this.  

Satoshi’s voice sounded lighthearted; however, each word of his echoing in the vast Throne Room just made me feel smaller until I wanted to disappear:

“I came here to talk about your betrothal with my daughter, Princess Sana.”  

[sinnhelmingrmoved]

For the meta ask: This may be self-absorbed, but how does Hel feel about denying Baldr his return to the living? Did she know Frigg's messengers would fail at their task of gaining oaths of love from all living things? Did she actively work in tandem with her father Loki, who secured through a disguise that *one* being would refuse to swear to love Baldr? Or was the wager's failure a surprise to Hel as well?

For two months, this has lain in wait in my askbox. I have nurtured it, kept it hidden from light lest it fade, held it in my arms and raised it as my own child. And now, at last, as my 6,666th post, it’s time to talk about The Baldr Incident, and Hel’s one act of true cruelty.

Let’s begin.

Hel, for her part, will forever feel shame and guilt about Baldr. What she did was monstrous, and for reasons entirely beyond his control. She has returned many creatures the chance to return to life for sensible reasons, bloodless and passionless logic that says if she releases one petitioner, a thousand more will swarm her hall and demand to know why they are not worthy. It’s a slippery slope, and she simply does her job in refusing them, in refusing those living petitioners that arrive to plead the souls of their loved ones.

And then there was Baldr. 

Hel could have answered Frigg’s rider in that same way – No, I cannot, it is not mine to defy Death. I rule, I do not barter. But she saw a chance to get back at her own wounds, to hurt Asgard as deeply and cruelly as they hurt her family. She had been her father’s most beloved, too, and Odin would hear no petition for her return. So she made a terrible game of it, being in the death throes of her girlhood and eager to act rather than think. If the messengers could succeed in this task impossible, Baldr would be returned. She knew as soon as she spoke they would fail. She wanted hope to turn to ash in Odin’s mouth so he would know her father’s agony, so he would know her as no friend of his.

She did all of these things to get back at Odin, but Baldr paid the price. She wasn’t at a point to realize how horrible an action that was.

And she came up with it all on her own. There was no midnight scheming with Loki, no whispering form beyond the veil to guide her. She was the sole parent of this scheme, some part of her she now fights to keep buried guiding her to take blood for blood the way her father had in sending Baldr to her to begin with. She knew exactly what would happen because she designed it that way while pretending to be magnanimous, like she was giving Asgard a chance to see their golden son returned.

No one knows the blade of it. They speak of her as fair, that she gave that chance, and she wants to scream her throat bloody that they didn’t see through it.

But it’s too late to do anything about it now. She and Baldr sit hand in hand in Eljudnir, unreachable by either father. They are victims of the schemes of their sires, and of Hel’s wickedness. How many bodies did she create by refusing Asgard? She thinks, often, that Sigyn’s sons could have been spared if she had been able to act on the mercy that she now preaches. 

There’s blood up to her elbows now. The bones lie where they fell. All she can do now is try to be better, because there is no atonement for this, not in her eyes. She just has to make sure her youthful sadism cannot grow, and that’s the end of it for her.

Baldr just… has this way of making her very self-aware and sick with herself. But she’s old enough now to have just accepted what she did and what it caused. She lives with it the way others died for it. And if she has any hate for herself, he’s the deep seated root of it.

[higuchimon]

Hi, list 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you if you want to.

Five things that make me happy... in no given order...

Low blood sugars. well, reasonable blood sugars. Those are very good sights to see.

Days when the writing just flows and I can make progress on my stories.

Speaking of writing, getting comments/reviews/reblogs (especially with tags that talk about what I wrote!) will make me squee! Could I get more of that, please?

Good food that I can eat (which isn't as often as it once was. Being diabetic means I have to be careful more than I like to be). But tonight I'm having fish and Suddenly Salad and I am a happy Higuchimon.

Yubel x Juudai. Seriously, gX in general, but those two in particular make me so very happy. I mean, Juudai fused their souls for the literal purpose of fulfilling his oath to Yubel! You don't get devotion like that every day.

Honorary mention: roses. They're beautiful. This is also why my favorite Digimon is Rosemon.

[16ruedelaverrerie]

Dear anon, it is extremely kind of you to display this sort of interest in my status as a creature who continues to exist as an entity separate from her terrible pointless blog! On the other hand, I can’t say that I have the same strength of belief in myself, because all my waking hours are consumed by work and can I truly be said to exist if I have no consciousness of my own existence? What is the ontological status of a life that does not experience itself? Actually no, this is an irrelevant argument because all I want to be when I grow up is a hyena decked out in gold who has zero capacity for introspection. I think the real problem has nothing to do with philosophical questions, it’s just that MY LIFE IS SUPER BORING AND I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO DRAW COMICS :( Jesus Christ, you are telling yourself, all I do is put in a brief request for content and I have to sit through some obnoxious patter about how she could be bounded in a nutshell and count herself the king of infinite space, were it not that she has bad dreams.

More truly awful askbox answers under the cut, most of them from MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS AGO (I’m so sorry!!!!!) because I feel very rude making askbox posts so I put them off until this happens, and then I’m just a different kind of rude, so... I’m still working on being an adequate human being.

 AREN’T THEY GREAT?! THEY’RE SO GREAT AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. Prometheus is so ornery and taciturn and thoughtful and HERMES IS A LITTLE SHIT ~but also surprisingly vulnerable~ kfl;dhg WHAT A FARCE, PAIRING RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS ARE ALWAYS SO HILARIOUS. In my mental sequel Hermes runs an anonymous blog about Arcadia’s coffeeshop scene and is just generally contemptuous of every single establishment and every single roast offered within municipal bounds. Prometheus is like, Well should we move then? To someplace with better coffee? And Hermes is like ARE YOU FOR REAL? WHO WOULD I MAKE FUN OF THEN???

 ;____; Thank you, I will do my best! Honestly I think the blog might be so all over the place that even if I did update more frequently, there would be very little guarantee that the updates would be content that you would enjoy seeing... but you have made your petition, you must live with the consequences now. Let your regrets warm you in the hellish wasteland you will have wrouuuuught

 She’s just SO PUT-UPON and I love that about her :’) I think whenever Troy comes up I try to force Polydamas into the conversation in whatever strained way I can because I love Polydamas so much, but in my head they share that kind of exhausted long-suffering deadpan attitude that I’m so fond of! They know better than anybody around them and they’re super fed up with it, but also they’re fundamentally decent people so FUCK THIS, I’M OUT OF HERE isn’t an option for them and therefore they must endure another day surrounded by idiots who don’t give them the credit they deserve. (This is not a mythologically rigorous reading, but leave me to my vices!)

Ooh what if they got together for regular vent sessions over tea, wow new headcanon accepted v v v

 Anon I probably would have done the same. It always seems to be the case that certain objectionable folks are very charming in person, especially one-on-one, which I suppose is 1. part of why they hold the power they hold, and 2. a luxury they have because they’re not fighting for anything. Also if I’m perfectly honest I haven’t kept up with Harold Bloom’s opinions, if he’s changed his mind since his I MUST DEFEND THE DISCIPLINE AGAINST THEORY AND POLITICS days then I wouldn’t know about it! In the end I just hope that anyone he still has structural authority over is having an okay time of it all.

 Ahhhh I’m so sorry anon, I didn’t read RoTK in an English translation so I’m afraid I don’t have firsthand recommendations! I have heard some good things about the Moss Roberts translation, though-- maybe leafing through that to see if it’s your cup of tea might work!

I find that food does the best job of soothing over diaspora guilt, but also I recognize that not everyone has that kind of wildly emotional relationship with food, so try having food next to the RoTK books and consuming both of them at once for maximum effect(???) Godspeed you anon, my thoughts are with you.

 MY GOD THIS IS SO PRECIOUS thank you so much for the work you put into it!!! omg the background music is amazing and you guys have such fabulous delivery and the pacing is ACES ALL AROUND, would watch this anime ceaselessly *___* Thank you again, I am VERKLEMPT AT YOUR TALENT

I WANNA LINK IT SOME MORE TIMES IN A FUTILE ATTEMPT TO CONTAIN MY LOVE

SO

GOOD

 Hahahaha anon I think it’s so great that you had this experience with LM and you were like hmm you know who I’m going to tell about this... that weirdo on the Internet that makes too many comics about Courfeyrac being a wreck of a human being. But that was absolutely the right choice to have made, because THE WEIRDO IS OVERJOYED TO HAVE HEARD THIS STORY! Tell me where your relationship with LM has gone since this message, have you accidentally fallen into the fandom and read a million fics? Have you moved to London? Have you MOVED TO PARIS? Are you standing outside of the dessert shop at 16 rue de la verrerie right now thinking about gay roommate shenanigans and unnerving the pastry chefs inside with your facial expressions???

Actually I think it’s just as well that the musical isn’t entirely helpful in keeping the names straight, because some amount of confusion obfuscates the fact that Bahorel is missing altogether-- and what’s any decent party without Bahorel! Nothing, that’s what. Too decent, that’s what.

 You say this as an expression of support and I thank you for it, but know that I will consider this a blood oath if I get a tenure-track job and end up publishing a monograph. YOU SAID YOU’D READ IT. 400 PAGES ON THE NICETIES OF CHRISTIAN SALVATION THEOLOGY MAY BE AWAITING YOU IN YOUR FUTURE

[exsanguidus]

re headcanon: how do you think Astarion will go about marriage proposal? will he be nervous or smarmy. would he even want to marry at all?

This is going to be a long answer. Also, should note this is of course in reference to non-Ascended Astarion.

Since I headcanon Astarion as a Moon Elf, I think 3e and 3.5e lore on how elves view love, romance, and sexuality is probably pretty close to what Moon Elf culture practices, seeing as they're stated to be rather adventurous and tend not to stay in one place for too long.

3.5e Elves Reddit Citing 3e

This is also why I headcanon that Astarion is rather open-minded to the idea of Tav taking on another lover or having threesomes/foursomes together.

That said, I think that deep down he prefers monogamy, particularly because he's selfish in the sense he wants to have something of his own that he doesn't have to share. Especially after those 200 years he didn't have himself for himself and the fact he can't recall ever genuinely being loved just for being himself rather than what he can offer.

But so long as Tav reassures him that it won't affect their relationship negatively and he won't be neglected in love, affection, and care, he's not opposed. He trusts Tav enough to be responsible, honest, and communicative.

He also mentions, if you approach him about being with Halsin post-his quest, that while the idea of change has always sort of terrified him because it's an unknown, he's accepted that life happens and if Tav does end up falling for someone else, he's confident he'll eventually be ok because he has himself.

Now to get to the actual question at hand: how would Astarion go about a marriage proposal.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but he wouldn't. At least not in the sense that Humans think of marriage and marriage proposals.

He's definitely read about them in the sappy and smutty romance novels he's read, but he personally doesn't subscribe to the idea that he needs to showcase his true love for his partner like that because his partner would know through actions and words they speak to one another privately exactly how Astarion feels about them.

Astarion would really just start referring to his partner as his Wife/Husband/Spouse one day. And then after that, just start using their surname along with his own like that's what his name has always been.

For example, I ship exclusively with my buddy Vex's Tav OC Annette Harlow (@knivesong). So, in our post-game verse Astarion refers to himself as Astarion Harlow Ancunín as his completely full name. He wasn't asked to and he doesn't just going around announcing it randomly to everyone, but he decided that on his own and tells people when its relevant to do so because that's how he decided he wanted to show Annie's place in his life while still respecting both their individualities and unique personhoods.

I also recently put up a headcanon that elves traditionally wear wedding bands on their right hand, if they choose to wear any at all. I believe Astarion would wear the True Love's Caress ring on his right ring finger. He originally didn't until post-his quest, I imagine, but eventually would have just quietly moved it to that finger of his own accord.

I also recently wrote a headcanon that post-game, rather than claim and move into the Crimson Palace (Szarr Palace), he gets himself a nice spot in Baldur's Gate where he can live in the apartments above his own perfume shop. He would legitimately just assume Tav was going to live with him, at that point, and put in furniture to accommodate both of them and take into consideration Tav's tastes in his decor choices.

All that is basically my long way of saying that Astarion would basically just marry Tav via Common Law Marriage. Basically everyone just recognizes those two as married even if they didn't have some big solemnized ceremony.

Astarion doesn't believe in any of the gods anyway. Acknowledges they all exist, since they literally do and can be physically seen, but he won't worship any of them ever. So he wouldn't really think it's important to have their relationship solemnized by an outside source as long as they both solemnize it via consent and mutual understanding of the perimeters of their relationship.

He doesn't care how others view their relationship because, to him, his relationship with Tav is strictly between them and no one else's business.

Of course, if Tav ever brought up that they actually wanted an official marriage proposal and a legitimate marriage ceremony with all the bells and whistles, he'd be all for it because:

I. It's a reason for him to dress up and be Extra.

II. It would make Tav happy.

In that case, he would be the most Extra of Extra about it. Not nervous because he already knows the answer would be yes, but nervous because he wants to make sure he does it right in a way his partner would be pleased with. He'd make a whole performance out of it and it'd be this massive grand gesture. Mind you, that doesn't mean it'd be this huge public display with like releasing doves and hiring a troupe of bards or anything, but something elegant that feels expensive and intimately grand.

It'd probably be so Extra that Tav would facepalm, but he'd just remind them that they asked for it and he doesn't go halfsies on things like that because he has standards for the both of them.

[exsanguidus]

“ Has anyone ever told you that they are proud of you? Well, let this be your reminder then.

I am proud of you. I see you. I hear you. And I also understand you as a spawn myself. Cazador does not define you. The tadpole does not define you. Those horrid leetle demons in your head do not define you either. You have been suffering and fighting for decades…believe me, I know it gets tiring.

But you are still here. You are still existing. You are still fighting despite all the shit that life has thrown at you — and that takes guts, sweet swan. You are a valiant, resilient warrior with battle scars for days, whether that be mentally or physically. Each wound tells a story and a reminder that you got through that ailment, you can sure as fuck get through the next. And I think that makes you courageous and admirable.

Fuck physical looks. Sure, da, you are attractive and pretty. But I think your soul, however damaged it is, is the most beautiful fucking piece of art I have ever seen. I want to hold my palms to your chest and feel those beautiful emotions your soul projects. I want to look past your skin and hold your spirit. You as a person, a soul, a spirit, and at your very core, are worthy of love.

I am so fucking proud of you, Astarion. And I do not think I will ever not be — not even past my immortality. “

Astarion's brows knit together tightly as he listened, his head cocked as he remained unblinking. He was reluctant to listen to such flowery words because kind words never existed. Not for him. Not unless it came with the expectation of him getting on his back soon after.

He stood there defensively, nose turned up with a small sneer and a hand propped on his hip while the other waved in the air dismissively. He scoffed, even. Yet the fellow spawn continued - resilient and unyielding.

Astarion kept up his air of aloofness, but that mask was beginning to crack as her words wrapped around him. Perhaps it was because she was a fellow spawn that he was more susceptible. That he wanted even more to hear Bethanne out.

Cazador was his bastard vampiric father who only had words of belittlement and contempt. And praises he had to offer were simply praises of narcissism for himself. I have made thee stronger, as strong as I could mine ungrateful whelp. In a strange sense... Beth's words almost felt motherly. A stark contrast to Cazador.

His rough demeanor melted slowly, evident in the way his body language shifted from haughty and disapproving to something softer. Something... sadder?

His narrowed eyes become their more relaxed rounded version, a sheen of wetness glistening below the crimson irises. He had the look of a lost kitten about him.

He had the look of a wounded child that was finally met with a pat on the head instead of a kick to his back.

❝ I... ❞ his gaze flitted elsewhere as he shifted his weight uncomfortably. How was he to respond to this? ❝ ...Thank you. ❞

He would have to sit there in silence for a moment to process these words. To process the fact that someone was proud of him? And, of all people, another vampire. Vampires were the main threat to other vampires. It was as if their inherent nature to break down and destroy one another.

Perhaps that was why Bethanne's words seemed to sink so deeply.

[exsanguidus]

@knivesong

A little smirk danced over the vampire's features as he watched Annette begin to approach. It was a habit of her's, he'd noticed, to come check-in with him after she returned from her little ventures and gotten comfortable in her camp clothes.

❝ I always love when you come sauntering over. ❞

He admired the sway of her hips as she walked and the way her lips pulled into the sweetest smile, one he noticed was reserved especially for him, when she greeted him.

❝ What can I do for you, my sweet? ❞

Astarion couldn't help the dreamy little sway of his shoulders as he sounded the more endearing nickname.

It was to his absolute joy that she had come to inquire for a kiss. He'd happily give her a thousand kisses a day, if she so asked. He leaned forward to meet her, lips parting into the kiss just enough to taste the sweetness of her lips while leaving the kiss just chaste enough the others wouldn't stare. They could have far more intimate kisses in the privacy of one of their tents later tonight.

When Annie pulled away, he gave a soft whimper and a breathy declaration.

❝ I do rather like that, you know. ❞

Astarion was absolutely smitten.

[exsanguidus]

*hands him a soda*

Astarion blinked at the small cylinder offered to him. What a curious thing... metal, it appeared to be when he inspected it closer. It was certainly not something he'd ever seen before.

❝ What is it? ❞

Not the most graceful way to ask, especially when his nose was scrunched up so. But he took the object, nonetheless, and began to examine it even closer.

He couldn't recognize the lettering on the side. Perhaps some language outside of Faerûn? If that was the case, then whatever this thing was had to be some sort of delicacy to have made it so far.

Astarion turned the cylinder over in his hands once, twice, thrice times before he noticed the little tab on the top. How was he to know that it was unwise to pop it open after handling it so roughly?

His curiosity was met with an aggressive spray of bubbling liquid, causing him to immediately drop the object and take hurried steps back.

❝ What in the hells did you give me?! ❞

He waved his arms about in flustered anger, spitting every so often to get the foreign taste of the liquid from his mouth. His disgust and displeasure was palpable.

❝ Uhg, whatever it is, it's revolting! ❞

Astarion disapproves.

[exsanguidus]

*draws penis on his forehead in his sleep*

Astarion disapproves.

How cruel to defile and litter the body of a being who has no reflection to gaze upon himself.

And to do so when they are in a vulnerable state such as Astarion, when he is deep within his nightly Elf Trance. His only reprieve from the cruelty of the world, unless his terrors choose to persist as nightmares.

You think you have the last laugh, but he has allies who care enough to not see him running about looking the fool.

He will not forget this violation to his personhood.

[exsanguidus]

Astarion how often to you eat solid foods?..like non-blood food.

A silver eyebrow quirked at the question at hand, his arms crossed over his chest as if his day had been spent in absolute boredom. ❝ Vampires don't require food, so there was never any to be found in Szarr Palace. Hells, he hardly had the vermin on hand that he would allow us. ❞

And he certainly didn't eat food when he was sent out to lure people. That would have been a waste of precious hunting time. ❝ I didn't start sampling any solid foods until the little... illithid excursion, let's call it. ❞ He hummed a moment and shifted his weight from one foot to the other before giving a careless wave of his hand.

—— ❝ Honestly, I find actual food to be rather underwhelming. Like there's something missing. No soul, I suppose you could say. ❞ There was a devilish grin applied to the saying, as he was rather pleased with his play on words. ❝ But I will say, unimpressive tastes aside, I've found some of the textures enjoyable. I quite enjoy things with a nice, solid crunch to them. ❞

Astarion didn't know that one of the pitfalls to vampirism was that regular food would forever taste bland and lifeless. It was a joy meant only for the living. How treacherous to be met with things that could smell so delightful, but turned to ash within your mouth.

And how was he to know? Cazador was not a sharing master, and that applied to sharing information as much as anything else. Perhaps it was a mercy that Astarion had long since forgotten the true taste of food, as it meant that there was nothing for him to miss. ❝ I don't indulge in the habit often. It's a pointless activity and it just depletes Tav's resources all the faster. But I won't turn down the pleasant sting of alcohol in my throat. ❞

[exsanguidus]

hands him a hamster. :)!

To say he was confused by this exchange was putting it mildly.

❝ Karlach... I'm not sure what you have or haven't heard, but I think now is the time that I let you know my diet consisted of rats and other small things much like this for nearly 200 years. ❞

Was this her way of saying he looked hungry? What was he supposed to do with the thing?

Astarion simply blinked at the hamster as it sat in the palms of his hands, completely unaware to the fact he could end it's tiny, little life right then and there.

Hold on... was this..?

❝ .... Karlach is this the hamster that Minsc's is always talking to? Why in the hells would you bring me this? ❞

Once thing he'd deduced about Karlach is that she had a soft heart. A little too soft for his liking, which was surprising given the tales of horror and mayhem he'd heard before Tav agreed to help Wyll go after her. But, it was a little endearing that she cared for beings smaller and lesser than her.

❝ Perhaps we should return it before Minsc comes looking, hm? I'd rather like to be able to get around camp without looking behind my shoulder. We can be partners-in-crime for something else, darling. Something that won't potentially get me staked. ❞

He knew Minsc was serious when it came to that hamster. Maybe even a little unhinged. Normally, Astarion would find that amusing. But not so much if that chaos would be directed to him.

[exsanguidus]

*shrinks to the size of a doll and begins to climb him*

There was nothing Astarion hated more than vermin. Than the feeling of something crawling on his skin to dirty him up.

He fidgeted uncomfortably when he felt something scuttling on his skin, but didn't look up from the book he was casually flipping through.

It wasn't until he felt a yank on his pant sleeve that he finally looked up, confusion coloring his face before annoyance did.

Astarion scoffed then, closing his book with a loud thud and an exaggerated roll of his eyes.

❝ Did Gale put you up to this? Gods above.. was it Tav? ❞

A sigh suspired from the vampire's lips and he pinched the bridge of his nose, seemingly to keep his annoyance in check so he wouldn't just kick the little creature away.

❝ I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed. ❞

[exsanguidus]

What would you do if you suddenly went bald?

Well, he certainly wasn't expecting a question like that. He knit his brows together in a mixture of disgust and incredulity, absolutely offended by the very words.

❝ That won't be happening. ❞

Astarion's words were firm. Hostile, even. They were a warning.

His voice lowered into a growl, the snarl forming on his lips as he leaned closer. Closer than any vampire with a look so intense should be to a living being.

❝ If you touch even a single head on my hair, I will rip your heart out, eat it, and leave your pathetic excuse of a carcass out for the birds to pick apart for their young. ❞

Perhaps it's best to leave the subject alone.