#astarion character study

[lavenderfluorite14]

A Taste of Plums | Astarion x Female!Tav

Summary: Free from his master’s vampiric thrall for the first time in 200 years, Astarion’s mind, body, and heart war with each other over how to seize and solidify his precious, and precarious, newfound freedom. Luckily, Tav’s there to help. Or perhaps ruin all his carefully laid plans. Multi-chapter longfic.

Rating: 18+, Explicit Content, Porn with a lot of plot and a lot of feelings ❤️‍🔥

Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Angstarion, Astarion Character Study and everything that entails, PTSD, Descriptive Explorations of Emotional and Sexual Trauma, Manipulators to Lovers, Vampire Sex, Blood Kink, Blood Drinking, Grinding, Unresolved Sexual Tension. Tav is CIS female and a bard. Full tag list on AO3.

A/N: As a veteran vampire fucker, Astarion really is something special. Will be updating every two weeks. This will be messy in the best way possible.

Read on AO3 Chapter 2❤️‍🔥. Chapter 3❤️‍🔥. Chapter 4. Chapter 5. Chapter 6. Chapter 7❤️‍🔥. Chapter 8. Chapter 9. Chapter 10❤️‍🔥. Chapter 11. Chapter 12❤️‍🔥. Chapter 13. Chapter 14. Chapter 15.

❤️‍🔥=Smut

Chapter 1: Bite

Somehow, Astarion was watching the sun set. This simple moment, which the rest of his companions almost certainly took for granted, was a miracle to him. He had resigned himself to endless night a century ago, yet now here he was basking in a sunset like it was nothing. He stared at the fading sun until he couldn’t anymore, until his retinas burned and the last languid finger of light finally dipped below the horizon, abandoning Faerûn to a soft, somber twilight. Each precious, fleeting day was a gift and Astarion intended to feast on each one down to the marrow.

Somehow, Cazador Szarr had once again failed to find him. For 200 years his master had ruled Astarion’s waking moments with an iron fist. And then a small, wriggling little worm had miraculously interrupted Cazador’s vampiric hold on him. Imagine, a vampire lord losing to a worm. Astarion could die, again, of laughter. Yet even here, two weeks out from The Gate, Astarion felt his Master’s phantom eyes on him. He didn’t understand it but Astarion wasn’t a fool: he knew his time was limited. It was only a matter of whether the Mindflayers or Cazador would catch up to him first. Neither option was particularly good but the choice was easy, if he had one: he’d do anything, absolutely anything, to keep from returning to the Szarr Palace.

As the camp settled in for the night Astarion pantomimed preparing for bed, a routine he knew he was fumbling clumsily through. The night had been for hunting, seducing, fucking, killing. It had never been for relaxing. For reading. For chatting idly with people he wasn’t planning on stabbing in the back. For now at least. He knew they’d have no qualms about stabbing him, should they discover his condition. Even so, he had meditated more these last few nights than he had in decades. It cleared his mind a little, but it did nothing to calm the dread he carried in his bones. Nor did it assuage his gnawing hunger.

So far, none of his companions appeared to have figured out Astarion’s little secret. He watched each one of them carefully, scouring their faces, voices, and bodies for the smallest micro-expressions of suspicion. Karlach, Hell’s Above, didn’t seem to have much going on upstairs, a genuine blessing. Lae’Zel was too focused on reaching her blasted crèche to spare him a second glance, thank the gods. She could easily skewer him if she felt like it. Shadowheart was too busy guarding her own secrets to pry into his, although she could be oddly perceptive at times. Gale only stopped talking when he had his nose in a book, but he was still the resident wizard and needed to be watched should his, alleged, considerable intellect decide to return to him. The fact that Wyll hadn’t noticed was in itself suspicious, but perhaps the famous Blade of Frontiers wasn’t half the monster hunter he thought he was. Maybe Astarion could survive this after all.

And then there was Tav. Responsible, pretty, annoying, Tav. She had become the de facto leader of this ragtag tragedy, which was perfectly fine with Astarion. He did his best work from the shadows anyway. Tav spent her days settling their squabbles and running after every single irrelevant quest they were given like a dog after a ball. She was clearly too distracted, and too tired he often saw, to notice that he was more than he let on. Perfect.

Astarion wasn’t used to going unnoticed. He had accidentally drawn Cazador’s ire numerous times by simply existing. He had tried to fade into the background countless times, but Cazador’s cruel eye was always drawn to him. “Go on boy, do the only thing you’re good for.”

Well, he wasn’t completely unnoticed. He felt the way Tav’s eyes roved over him when she thought he wasn’t looking, felt her pulse hammering in her throat when they spoke to each other. She didn’t say anything and neither did he, but it was nice to know that he was still alluring even when disgustingly unwashed.

Astarion had the patience of a centuries old predator. Despite the ache behind his fangs, he waited until he could pick out the gentle snores of each one of his companions, not moving until Lae’Zel had made her 15th loop around their camp’s perimeter, which was more than enough time for her to lose herself in the banality of the night’s watch. He’d have to be quick, but he knew what he was hunting for: he had picked up on the heartbeat of a boar hours ago. It wasn’t a sound per se, but more of a pulse he felt in his gut. He honed in on its tantalizing rhythm, allowing himself to be drawn down through the forest and up back onto the road where the beast snuffled for food along the path. Easy.

His muscles tensed. His mind went blank. He slid through the night and tackled the boar, ripping into its neck with a savage bite. The boar thrashed against him but Astarion bit down harder, tearing into the beast’s jugular with a bloody squelch. It collapsed under him and Astarion brutally pinned it to the ground. He gulped down mouthfuls of blood so big that they hurt his throat as he swallowed. As he drank, he could feel the boar’s jerks become weaker and weaker, until its death throes were merely twitches. When there was no more blood, Astarion released his jaw and rolled away, gasping in the dirt as a wave of nausea engulfed him. He thought he was going to be sick. It was the most blood he had drunk in one sitting in 200 years and it sat heavy and bloating in his stomach. He was full. Satisfied? No. But he was full.

But even the fresh spoils of victory grow bland. His palate wasn’t made for beasts. He wanted something finer, something richer. Still, a boar was leagues better than a rat. But he knew, had known for some time, that his body needed more than animal blood to be truly nourished. It needed the blood of thinking creatures.

What would happen if he grew too weak, too feeble to fight? Would this merry band of would-be heroes leave him behind, alone in the wilderness for Cazador to find, if he couldn’t keep up? He would never go back. He’d die first.

You could do it, you know, a dark inner voice whispered to him. Why don’t you have a taste of your new friends?

No. He forced that impulse down. He was a vampire spawn, but he was not a monster. Were they frustrating? Deeply. But these indifferent strangers had been kinder to him than anyone had been in centuries, kinder than anyone who had actually known him. He would not risk whatever precarious piece of safety he had for a quick meal. He’d blow his cover. They’d hate him. They’d kill him. It was the only course of action that made sense once he was discovered. Which was only a matter of time.

Despite everything, his master’s old orders still echoed dully in his mind: Thou shalt not drink the blood of thinking creatures. He didn’t know if he could bite them, even if he wanted to. Cazador had forbidden it.

Astarion slipped back into his bedroll unnoticed, mission complete. He wasn’t tired, was too wired from the hunt and from the day’s fighting to truly rest, but he knew he needed to meditate if he was going to be of any use tomorrow. If he was going to continue fooling them into thinking he wasn’t a monster hiding in their midst. Rolling onto his side, he caught sight of Tav fast asleep in her tent, the flap carelessly unlatched. Tav, who had readily forgiven him after he had threatened to slit her throat. Tav, who looked but never touched. Tav, whose opinion and guidance seemed to matter the most to everyone in camp. Astarion sunk into deep reverie.

~~

“It’s dead, my friend. Are you really going to gawk at every piece of carrion you find?”

Astarion could flay himself. He hadn’t bothered to hide his kill from the other night because who seriously cared, there were dead beasts all over the forest, and of course Tav had quite literally stumbled over its exsanguinated remains. Crouching down to examine his kill, she pored over the corpse with thorough precision. He was dead. He was so dead unless he did something.

“Darling,” Astarion began, positioning himself right behind Tav, unsure what he was going to do but moving just to move. At the same moment Tav stood up and took a step backward, crashing into him. For a moment their bodies were completely flush, her back against his chest, her peachy bottom cushioned against his groin. Astarion reflexively reached out to place his hands on her hips, but Tav jolted forward and out of his grasp.

“Sorry!” She gasped, flushing a delicious rosy shade. She pointedly averted her eyes.

“It’s no trouble at all,” Astarion purred. Tav dared a glance up at him and he flashed her an easy smirk. “Are you completely satisfied?” He asked, layering the question thick with innuendo. “There are much better things we could be doing. Shall we go now?”

Somehow, Tav turned even redder. “It’s definitely odd, but a dead pig isn’t the weirdest thing we’ve seen so far,” she conceded.

“No, it’s not. It doesn’t even place in the Top 50 on this little adventure,” Astarion quipped. Tav laughed at that, a quick mirthful giggle. “I’m sorry, everyone. Let’s keep moving.” Tav hesitated for a moment, glancing back at Astarion for the briefest of moments, but she quickly continued onward, surging forward towards the head of the group. Astarion breathed a quiet sigh of relief. She had apparently noticed nothing.What a cute, malleable little idiot. ~~

The idea had occurred to him before, that second night underneath the stars. Back when he had thought that their little adventure might actually be over soon. Which had meant that Cazador’s punishments would be imminent. He had wondered aloud if their adventure may actually end the next day and Tav had said, as if it were the simplest thing in the world, “It doesn’t have to, we could keep traveling together.” Such a sweet gesture had stirred something in him. The others hadn’t seemed keen on him, nor on each other for that matter. But Tav was kind. Giving. She was already giving him safety by letting him travel with her. What else would she give him, if he played his cards right?

Would she let him drink from her? He was ravenous. He imagined her soft and pliant underneath him, arching her neck, begging for his bite. Astarion was dizzy at the thought of such submission to him, such power over her. He tried to imagine what she would taste like but his brain couldn’t supply an answer. If Cazador had forbidden it then humanoid blood must be delicious.

But why would she help him? No one offered help for free, especially not to a vampire spawn. Even kind, giving Tav also benefited from their traveling arrangement. And his safety in this little arrangement was only tenuous at best. If he didn’t want to be staked on sight, he’d have to sweeten the deal somehow.

He knew how, but something inside of him had hesitated that night. Now, he could kick himself. How many times had he seduced and in turn allowed himself to be seduced? He was a professional, this should mean nothing to him by now. At least Tav was pretty. Flustering her had been both useful and fun. He had certainly done worse. And after today, he was beginning to suspect that Tav may actually like him, just a little.

But still. He was free for the first time in centuries. Did he really want to spend his precious moments of freedom on his back again? Was this really all he was good for?

He just needed some time to think, he would figure this out.~~

Unfortunately, the rest of his cohort were not as amenable as Tav. Today Tav had chosen himself, Lae’Zel, and Shadowheart to explore the nearby forest, which made for a particularly sullen group. Unnerved by his close call yesterday, Astarion realized that he had to acquire more allies….make friends, as it were. Gods. He hadn’t made a real, genuine friend in centuries. The last time he had tried hung heavily in his heart.

Astarion knew that he was profoundly unlikeable. He had been told so many times. There was only one good thing about him, one thing he was good at and only one thing anyone wanted from him, so naturally he would lead with that. He was already working Tav. Lae’Zel was powerful and would make an excellent ally, but Astarion decided to let her come to him. She seemed the type who liked to do the conquering. Gale was a strong option but he was still pining over his goddess and Wyll would probably want to get married first. As appealing as they both were, he needed allies now. And Karlach was literally untouchable, which derailed the entire plan. That left the mysterious Shadowheart.

Drifting to the back of the group, he began poring over the many lines he had used throughout the decades to charm and flatter his targets. Shadowheart acted cold, but Astarion could tell that she was hiding some softness underneath it all. Perhaps he could coax it out of her with the right words, if he indicated that he saw the real her beneath the facade. Adopting a pensive air, Astarion smoothly sidled up her.

“Shadowheart. Such a dark name for such a delicate flower,” he said softly. He tilted his head to a thoughtful angle, trying to catch her eye with his sad, smoldering gaze. Shadowheart shot him an icy glare.

“I heard you practicing that back there. Next time, keep your pick-up lines to yourself.”

Ahead of them, Tav choked on a laugh. “Better you than I,” Lae’Zel scoffed. “If he had tried that on me, I would have ripped his tongue from his mouth.” Astarion audibly gulped and drifted far away from his hostile companions. Tav shot him a sympathetic glance. “Yeesh, tough crowd,” she said. Astarion snorted. “Some people have no taste,” he said. Tav laughed, but Astarion still kept his hands to himself for the rest of the day.

~~

He knew it would happen, but he didn’t think it would happen so soon.

“First, thou shalt not drink the blood of thinking creatures.”

Cazador was here. Cazador had found him and by the gods, Cazador knew all of Astarion’s new transgressions.

“I’m sorry, Master! I was kidnapped, I had no choice!” Astarion whipped around, crying out into the darkness. The darkness said:

“Second. Thou shalt obey me in all things.”

Which he hadn’t done. He had flagrantly disobeyed. Who would obey such cruel demands unless they were forced to?

“Third. Thou shalt not leave my side unless directed.”

He hadn’t meant to, he had been abducted! He didn’t choose any of this! But Astarion knew that Cazador didn’t care about that. “Please, not again,” he begged, knowing that it didn’t matter what he said.

“Fourth. Thou shalt know that thou art mine, you pathetic little worm.”

Astarion jolted awake, tossing off his bedroll with a shout. The campfire burned steadily, casting off the shadows of night. The deep supernatural darkness of his dreams was gone. His companions lay by the fire and in their tents, somehow still asleep despite his pitiful cry.

Cazador wasn’t here. Cazador was back in Baldur’s Gate and he was in the middle of the wilderness. He wasn’t going to be flayed. Yet. But it was only a matter of time. Cazador would be furious that Asatrion had somehow slipped off of his tight little leash. And worse, Cazador would be jealous when he discovered that Astarion could walk in the sun and he could not.

It dawned on Astarion: he can walk in the sun. He can cross streams. He can enter houses without permission. The tadpole had disrupted so much of his biology already. Perhaps it had fully broken Cazador’s hold. Maybe he could disobey completely. In every way.

He had gone to bed hungry that night. The boar had been too close a call for comfort. And he hadn’t been able to secure additional protection. Astarion had starved for centuries, he thought he could keep himself in check. But the promise of feeding on what he truly craved finally made his hunger unbearable.

He scanned the camp, taking in his companions sleeping forms. So relaxed. So unsuspecting. Who would have the honor of being his first thinking meal? Almost immediately his eyes found Tav, who was curled up by the fire. The flames flickered over her fine features, her beautiful skin. Shadows danced down the length of her neck, disappearing into the valley of her breasts, their round tops peaking shyly out from her loose camp shirt. He had never seen her so accidentally exposed, so vulnerable before. He had to taste her. She would be delicious, he just knew it. His body was moving of its own accord, drawn to her. Bending down beside her, Astarion ghosted his face across her neck, instinctively finding the intoxicating pulse of her heart beat. He bared his fangs, running his tongue behind them. He would be quick, gentle. He only needed a taste, just needed a moment of her warmth. She was so-

“What are you doing?”

Astarion recoiled sharply as Tav sat up, suddenly awake. He swore audibly and withdrew, retreating back to the shadows. “This isn’t what it looks like,” he gasped. “I wasn’t going to hurt you.” Tav stared back at him, surprise and horror dawning slowly across her face. Astarion thought he saw the beginnings of disgust. “I just, I just needed-“ He had no idea what to say. There was no way out, he was caught. “Blood.” His admission hung strangely in the air between them. Then Tav began to put the pieces together, at last.

“You…are you a vampire?” She asked, incredulous.

“Not entirely. I’m a vampire spawn. But I only feed on beasts! Deer, kobolds-“

“Boars,” Tav supplied.

“…boars too.”

“I knew you were acting strangely yesterday,”

“I’ve just been so weak, so slow. If I had a bit of blood, I could think clearer, fight better.”

There’s a pulsing behind his eye and then Astarion’s mind is yanked backwards to the first time that Cazador had compelled him to eat a rat. He hadn’t wanted to, had begged Cazador not to make him do this, but while his mind resisted his body had obeyed Cazador’s sadistic order. And yet, he had been so hungry that he couldn’t be fully sure what he had done in vampiric thrall and what he had done for sheer survival. He had eaten many rats since then, but that first one had been particularly humiliating. And now Tav knew.

“You didn’t eat them by choice. You ate them because he made you.”

“Yes,” Astarion admitted bitterly. “I ate whatever vermin I was so generously allowed to eat. You’ll eat anything if you are hungry enough.” Tav’s eyes softened and Astarion saw pity shining in her gaze. His lip curled.

“Why didn’t you just ask me?” She said.

“Would you have said yes?” He countered. “At best I thought you would say no. At worst, I thought you would drive a stake through my ribs.”

“I wouldn’t have done that, you’re my-“

“I’m your what, your friend?” Astarion sneered. “Vampire spawn have no friends. We’re created by monsters and the world sees us as monsters. Don’t patronize me, darling.” Astarion spat. Tav turned away, trying to hide her hurt in the flames of the campfire. Astarion regretted his outburst almost immediately. Pushing her away now could be fatal.

“And yet despite all that, I needed you to trust me.” He took a tentative step toward Tav, pitching his voice lower to a soft, seductive rumble. “And you can trust me. I swear it.”

“Strangely I do, I do trust you.” Tav’s voice was barely a breath, a whisper above the crackles of the flames. “I only meant that you’ve had numerous chances to kill me since the first attempt and you haven’t. You’ve even saved me a few times.” Astarion continued advancing.

“I’m glad, truly.” He said.

“And we still need each other.” Tav said this softly, sadly, as if she didn’t want to say it.

“We do indeed,” he agreed. “So, do you think you could trust me just a little bit further? In the spirit of needing each other?”

They were so close now. Tav turned towards him, the question in her gaze. He reached out and tucked a stray tendril of her hair behind her ear. “I only need a taste.” He allowed his finger tips to stray down the column of her neck. “I swear.” His mouth hovered over hers. Tav visibly shuddered underneath his ghostly touch. “Not a drop more than you need.” She said. So tough. So generous. “Of course, not one drop more.” He leaned in, his mouth above the shell of her ear. “Shall we make ourselves comfortable?” She nodded. Placing his hand on her hips, Astarion gently guided Tav downward onto her bedroll where he settled next to her, curling against her side.

“Will it hurt?” She asked. Her eyes were wide, her pupils yawning caverns. Astarion doubted that he looked any better. “I’ll be as gentle as I can,” he promised. He would try. He would try for her.

“I’m ready.” Tav bared her neck and closed her eyes, turning her face away. This was really happening.

Sliding his body over hers, Astarion lowered himself on top of her. Their bodies slotted together, her breasts pressing up into his chest, his pelvis settling down against her own. Astarion’s hand cradled her neck tenderly, cupping her chin in his lithe fingers. And then he struck, sinking his fangs quickly and precisely into her flesh.

Fresh lifeblood flooded over his tongue in hot, sweet spurts. She wasn’t delicious, she was exquisite. He pressed his lips fervently against her neck, desperate for more of her. His tongue lapped along her throat, seeking every rivulet of blood that escaped his lips. Tav’s gentle fingers came up to trace circles against his scalp and card between his curls. A warm shiver traveled down his spine and he groaned into her neck as he swallowed her down. Astarion mindlessly ground himself against her center and he realized with a surprise that he was hard.

“Astarion,” Tav gasped, her body arching up to meet his. His hand moved to her waist and began to slip underneath her camp shirt, gliding along her exposed flesh. He took a deep pull of blood from her, the deepest one yet.

“Wait, Astarion,” Tav’s voice was growing faint. A weak hand began to press against his shoulder and he immediately grasped it and forced it back down, harshly caging her in. He couldn’t stop. He would never let her go.

“Stop, please Astarion!” He heard how weak Tav’s voice sounded now and it finally broke the spell. He released her throat with a bloody gasp, forcing his body off of her.

Tav rolled over, clutching the ruin of her neck. She looked disheveled, debauched. A feast in every way. Astarion stood abruptly, reeling.

“That was amazing,” he whispered reverently. He was filled with an unfamiliar feeling. He felt light, strong. Brimming with energy. Astarion caught a trickle of her blood as it slid down his lips with a disbelieving finger. He licked it off with a slow thick swipe of his tongue, greedy for more of her. His desire for her was beginning to scare him.

“As delicious as you were, I need to find something more filling.” He spun on his heel but stopped himself from fleeing. He needed to leave before he seriously hurt her, but he didn’t like the thought of her crumpled and alone, used and then discarded. Like he had often been. She had placed her life in his hands for his comfort. He couldn’t ever remember receiving such a kindness before. He turned back to face her, still sprawled and heaving on her bedroll.

“This is a gift, you know. I won’t forget it.” And then he was gone, striding confidently into the night.

~

He didn’t think he could hate Cazador more than he already did. But to finally savor such nourishing blood from a beautiful, willing source did not soothe him. It did not bring him relief to finally feel strong and healthy, to finally pierce the mental fog that had clouded his mind for as long as he could remember. Drinking from an oasis after subsisting on spoonfuls of fetid blood for centuries did not bring him peace, but only deepened the darkest pit of his rage.

~

Chapter 2: Gift

[sexyapostate]

WIP WEDNESDAY: Astarion gave up hope of escape after the first few lashes. 

coming soon to an ao3 near you. tagged by @skiitter ♡

[squaregoals]

I made an Astarion playlist because I am a little more than a little hyperfixated on this game and him.

Astarion, The Pale Elf Playlist

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2HsZxHcyCzhRBAHLoJ6LFX

It's a mix of his romance plot, his two endings, songs I feel catch his vibe, and songs I feel like could be sung to him. Oddly it IS in an order but absolutely can be played in shuffle.

((Some highlights from the list)):

White Dove- Koda

I've got a bone to pick/ Somebody showed you all of the horror/ You weren't born with it// You're a silver tongued jackboot thug with/ White skin but you're no white dove/ And you're scared of us 'cause we show you love/ Until there's none of us left to love/ None of us left to love//I had this feeling that you'd betray me/If I gave too much and you took too much

There's so much to say, but this is just Astarion in general. He's true commitment avoidant, got this way because Cazador, and uses the people he's around. This song is a lot of his flaws.

Dr Sunshine is Dead- Will Wood and the Tapeworms

Well, who should I be then, if I'll never be the same?// I will be my sunshine, I will be my moon at night/ Who else could I be, when I can't fucking see?/ I will be my sunshine, I will be my moon at night/ I'm nowhere now, here's no one now to be// And if dreams can come true/ what does that say about nightmares?/ I'll stay awake tonight

This speaks to Astarion's strengths. He is strong willed and will do anything he can in order to succeed and survive, even if it's not something good for him. He'll depend on himself. The lyrics seem tame but that part of the song is so raw and emotional it gets me everytime. It fits him, as a lot of Will Wood songs do.

Good Looking Boy- Suki Waterhouse

You stop for breath and I sped up/Just to impress you// The skyline falls as I try to make sense of it all/ I thought I'd uncovered your secrets, but turns out there's more

This one is singing to him. For those that fell for him and found out he was just using you. Open to either him eventually reciprocating or not, but it reminded me of Act II romance conversations.

Hail To The King- Avenged Sevenfold

Hail to the king/ Hail to the one/ Kneel to the crown, stand in the sun/ Hail to the king// Blood is spilt while holding keys to the throne/ Born again, but it's too late to atone

This one is steeped in Ascended route imagery. Like those lyrics? For real. The obvious, he's in power and can stand literally in the sun and will make people kneel in his victory. But also the last two lines I included, he achieved it through irreversible sacrifice. It's such an easy song to attribute.

Habits (Stay High)- Tove Lo

You're gone, and I gotta stay high all the time/ To keep you off my mind/ High all the time to keep you off my mind// Spend my days locked in a haze/ Trying to forget you, babe, I fall back down/ Gotta stay high all my life to forget I'm missing you

More towards the breaking up with Ascended Astarion route. Not meaning he'd be on drugs, but just trying to distract himself and high with power and conquest to try and ignore the fact he won't move on as easy as he says he can. Also covers some of the constant fear he now lives in, from what the subtext says of he now is more fearful post-ascension than pre.

Oleander- Mother, Mother

And if you leave me/ Rest assured it would kill me// Like an oleander/ White, white leaves/ Of an oleander/ White like me

This one I feel like is after he's really truly fallen for whoever he's with. Him singing to his love interest. Also he's pale white and snow white hair so theme and literally like oleander.

-----+++++++-------

I could go on, because I could seriously write a long character analysis based off each song. But this post is long enough lol.

Will make one for Wyll, and my specific Tav at some point.

[foresttt-png]

I finally figured out how to draw astarion’s face!

[expealidocious]

🍂 from october

— featuring sketches from studying his face

[alieninfunkyshirt]

>didn't like how his face looked in my style

>got real mad and spent last three days just studying proportions of his face💀💀

most of my art journey i was drawing in realism\semi-realism style, but it affected my mental health for the worse.. Sooo, now I'm relearning how to, y'know, have fun again? enjoy drawing? yeah i do struggle with creating an art style, that i would like and which would stick around for a long time, but.. i'm feeling better than ever right now!

but DAAAAMN old habits die hard.

[iampresent]

Listen your appreciation of Astarion will rise dramatically when you realize that on top of all the other shit he has going on, he is also legitimately dumb as rocks. Like, all the characters in Baldur's Gate are at least a little bit silly in one way or another, but it really takes something special to, after having escaped 200 years of being under an evil mind control curse, cheerfully and enthusiastically explore options for ingesting worms that will lead to a new, different evil mind control curse because you like. might get powers. And that's not even a certainty.

[lindenhe]

the song of rest

I also have a headcanon about Morwyn and Astarion gossiping in early mornings a least before Lae’zel gets up

[pythoria]

i don't think you can fully understand astarion until you do an origin run tbh, or at least watch a video of his dream and all the responses you can give. it's hinted at in the final dialogue with cazador with his "you've never forgiven anything", but astarion wasn't some indisciplined brat who "deserved" or "kinda asked for it". He would apologise and beg for forgiveness, he would mind cazador's wishes and schedule and be constantly anxious about it, and the only reason that he got the worst of his wrath wasn't because his personality is just abrasive and it angered cazador, it was purely for entertainment, because he begged the prettiest, he screamed the loudest, etc. You can make the argument that he was the most vulnerable of the spawn, the least powerful, the runt of the pack.

Sure, he wasn't a great person while he was alive what with all his magistrate bs, but he was young and a bit of a dick, not evil. When he was alive and kinda abused some of his privilege as a magistrate that was posturing, underneath it there was always weakness and self-doubt. And when he was stripped of that little power he had, he became his "truest" (or rather basest) self, which was a scared boy who wanted to make it big or impress his superiors. On some level I think he admired Cazador for all the power he had, and we know that at the ritual "he wanted to be just like him". I don't think he would ever purposefully anger someone he looked up to, even with all the shit he was forced to do. For 200 years he was an obedient puppet, and it was his shortcomings, not his defiance that earned him all the torture.

So when you meet him after the nautiloid crash, you aren't seeing a single genuine personality trait of his. Not until the love confession in act 2. All you're seeing for the majority of 2 acts is a mask, a character he created, as well as him in full survival mode. Of course he doesn't want you helping innocents, this might be his only chance to escape, he doesn't want that derailed. Honestly, you don't really see the "real" him until after you've killed cazador. For anyone who finished his quest, y'all know how different he acts in the graveyard scene. He's uncharacteristically soft, even nice, and yes he's angry and he can't undo centuries of suffering, but you've helped him come back to himself. By act 3 he already stops rlly dissaproving of helping people, and when talking to the gurs he's defensive because he doesn't want to get their hopes up and dissapoint them, not because he wouldn't give anything to help. Astarion at his core is sassy, sure, but he is undoubtedly *nice*. He's a good person, he feels so much guilt for what he's done and sympathy for his victims, and he *has* to push it all down lest the psychological pain alone kills him. He likes killing, sure, but more as a sport than a past time. And honestly i could go on and on but let's leave it at that for now.

[iicaru2]

so you know how when redeemed durge rejects bhaal withers shows up and basically tells their dad to fuck off because thats his kid now. i have a lot of thoughts about the dark urge and all of them are emotionally devastating but anyway. do you guys think astarion saw that and felt some horrible kind of numb, resigned jealousy because years ago he desperately prayed to every one of the gods to free him from cazador and got no answer— then this bhaalspawn haunted by the narrative turns up and Fucking Jergal intervenes just to save their life and flips both ao and bhaal the bird at the same time. because ive been thinking about that ever since my durge run and i need to inflict that pain on everybody else now.

[miramelindamusings]

BG3 has taken over my personal life haha so here's a sketch dump of my Tav! She's a half-elf Rogue with a Sage background. I wanted to go for an archeologist/explorer background - like a mix of Evelyn and Rick from The Mummy :)! I stole lots of paintings and it always made me laugh the animation of Tav stuffing a huge painting into her inventory so I had to do a comic of her actually trying to sneak one out haha

[lavenderfluorite14]

A Taste of Plums | Astarion x Female!Tav

Chapter 15: Deserve

Summary: Astarion is less than compassionate when he meets another person in a familiar plight.

Ratings: Some blood and violence.

Chapter 14: Feast

Read on AO3.

What remains of Waukeen’s Rest smolders and crackles in the pale morning sun. The crèche is near and Lae’Zel is impatient, but Tav insists they scavenge the inn for any unburnt supplies before they continue on. The dead innkeeper certainly won’t mind.

Astarion sulkily picks through the debris, bored. He doesn’t need potatoes, leeks, or carrots. He needs blood. And gold. And new boots. Maybe another health potion.

Tav needs food. Tav could use another health potion.

Without proper nourishment, her blood will taste like bile.

Somewhere in the distance, the widower they rescued yesterday wails for his dead wife. Tedious. Astarion shuffles through the stables, idly kicking up errant hay. Not only had the man lost his wife, he had lost her dowry too. Tav had of course offered to find it for him. Not a complete waste of time, but if they do find it then they should just keep it for themselves. Astarion could buy new gloves.

The dead are dead. Mourning them doesn’t bring them back. Feeling bad doesn’t change anything. Better to scrounge what you can from their ashes.

Fear suddenly ripples through the tadpole. Tav’s fear. He bolts blindly forward, letting the connection pull him out of the barn, sprinting instinctively towards the stables. Through the tadpole he can feel that Karlach and Lae’Zel are close behind him, all three of them barreling toward the pulsing knot of Tav’s terror.

What did the man say? Tav demands through the bond.   What man? Karlach asks.

The man in the cave!

What cave? Astarion snaps.

With the gnolls! The Zhentarim!

The handsome one? Karlach teases.

Just kill whatever it is and be done with it, Lae’Zel urges.

What was the password he told us!?

Ah, Rugan. The mercenary they had saved from gnolls. He had given them that strange treasure chest, warning them not to open it. Astarion had wanted to crack it open, but Tav had insisted they listen. But he’ll convince her to change her mind. He knows exactly how.

Little serpent, long shadow, Astarion answers.

Warm relief floods the connection. Astarion reaches the stables first, pivoting swiftly to tear open the door to a nearby shed, which thrums with Tav’s psionic signature. Inside, an archer has Tav pinned, pointing a flaming crossbow bolt directly at her chest. An oil barrel glistens behind her in the corner of the shed.

“Little serpent, long shadow!” Astarion barks. At his words the archer cautiously lowers his weapon, even as Karlach and Lae’Zel charge in through the door, weapons drawn.

“Helm’s orbs! Thought you lot were Flaming Fists,” the archer swears. He douses the arrow matter-of-factly, as if he hadn’t almost blown them all to smithereens. He gives them a once over, his eyes lingering over their mismatched armor. “Entrance is hidden down the hatch and behind the wardrobe,” he finally says. “Here’s the key.” He tosses Tav something small and silver. “We’re not sticking around after what happened here yesterday, so if you’re looking to trade, best be quick.”

Tav thanks him, slipping the key securely onto her key ring. The rough silver is shaped like a serpent curling around itself, baring its fangs. Something twists inside of him as she sidles past the oil barrel, making her way towards the hatch.

“Busy as usual, I see, almost getting us killed,” Astarion half-jokes, sauntering over to her side.

“Not intentionally, I promise,” she swears. The collar of her ridiculous Blazer of Benevolence jingles softly as she leans in towards him.

“Are you quite sure? Because since we’ve met, you’ve been nothing but trouble,” he accuses. Lae’Zel slips around them and down the hatch, but not before pointedly jostling Astarion on her way past.

“Well then, it’s a good thing you are here to rescue me, since I’m so much trouble,” Tav returns playfully, her eyes glittering with mirth. Astarion flushes too, hot with her blood and praise. Him, a hero? What nonsense. He forces out a light, hollow laugh and smiles so wide his face begins to ache.

“Oh Darling. If you are hoping for a knight in shining armor, then you are going to be waiting a long, long time,” he smiles, snaking past her and disappearing down the hatch. He doesn’t need the tadpole to feel Tav’s confusion and chagrin. But he’s not a hero. And he won’t pretend to be.

“Don’t worry about Fangs, mate,” he hears Karlach call out above him. “Maybe the tadpole crawled out of his eye and up his posh bum instead.”

“Maybe, Karlach,” Tav says. She forces out a hollow giggle of her own.

~

The Zhentarim had been expecting them. Not a good sign. And their leader, Zarys, had wanted to speak with Tav directly. She had called their party “friends of the family”, but Astarion had caught the sarcastic lilt to her words. He knows a trap when he hears one. But surrounded by so many armed and dangerous killers, they don’t really have much of a choice but to obey.

Even so, getting on the good side of deadly mercenaries could be good. These were his kind of people. It could be useful to network with like minds. If it doesn’t get them killed.

He remains close to Tav as she leads the way, down a tunnel, through an iron gate, and into a surprisingly well-lit grotto. Zhentarim loiter and loaf, eyeing them with both open amusement and suspicion. Every single one of them must be armed to the teeth.

“Please, I must rest! I cannot work under these conditions,” someone sobs. Up ahead, a grimy man crouches over what appears to be an easel. His face is streaked with sweat and dirt, and he works his paintbrush feverishly over a large canvas. He is painting at such a slap-dash pace that Astarion doubts the painting will be anything but sloppy. Off to the side, a group of Zhentarim, undoubtedly his captors, dispassionately observe his plight. “There’s just no need for this!” The man huffs, tossing his brushes aside and slumping down on a stool. “Free me now, and I will see that my patron rewards you,” the man begs. His upper lip quivers pathetically.

One of the Zhentarim, a man with fiery red hair and a finely waxed mustache, strides over and strikes the man hard across his face. The man recoils, knocking his brushes into the dirt. His palette topples over, splattering paint across his once fine silk trousers.

“You’ll do as you’re told, Mr. Artiste. Or else my knife may just take a liking to your fingers,” the Zhentarim threatens. The artist scrambles to pick up his things, painting again with renewed haste.

That will teach him, Astarion thinks. That was barely even a punishment, honestly. Cazador would have actually cut off one of his fingers. 

Tav bristles next to him. Her gait slows, her head turns towards the Zhentarim. “What do you-"

“Darling.” Astarion cuts in front of her, blocking her view. “There’s nothing to see here. Let’s go see Zarys.” Tav’s eyes widen in shock.

“But they’re hurting him, Astarion.”

Astarion scoffs. “Of course they are. They’re mercenaries and slavers. It’s what they do.”

“But if we leave him, they’re going to hurt him even more.”

“And if we don’t hurry up, Zarys may hurt us,” he counters. “We can talk about this later.” Tav reluctantly relents, shooting one last look at the artist before she resumes walking.

“That’s cold, Fangs,” Karclach says.

“Darling, compared to you, everything is cold,” he replies dismissively. Karlach laughs a short, unamused bark. They all continue onward.

Zarys is a petite pixie of a woman, all sinew and sharp teeth. She hovers over a prisoner, bound tightly to a chair beside her. Zarys raises a hand sharply and backhands the prisoner with a sharp thwack! Astarion smells it: blood.

“You’re the one who recruited me, Rugan. You’re the one who taught me Rule Number One, remember?” Zarys’s lip curls as she circles around the chair. “You’re dead from the moment you steal from the Zhentarim,” Zarys recites. Rugan grunts, spitting out a dribble of spit and blood onto the stone floor.

“Which you should have known. That is, if you’d done your research before impersonating one of us,” she hisses in his ear.

Zarys’s eyes flick over to them and Astarion’s blood runs cold. If Rugan isn’t Zhentarim, then-

“But I’ll tell you what,” Zarys says, straightening up. She looks Tav in the eye. “You lot ‘ave already taken Rugan’s cargo. So, finish the job and I’ll let you live. Deliver it to Baldur’s Gate.”

“We will,” Tav agrees quickly.

“Good.” Their party, except perhaps Lae’Zel, breathes a collective sigh of relief as Zarys smiles. “Oh, and one more thing before you go. Kill him.”

“What!?” Rugan pulls fruitlessly at his restraints, struggling to break free.

Tav recoils. Astarion grabs her hand, squeezing her fingers tightly. She squeezes him back.

“Think about this, darling,” he whispers through gritted teeth. “We are surrounded by unscrupulous mercenaries who are armed to the teeth-"

“But he helped us!” Tav hisses back.

“And he can help us again by swiftly dying,” Astarion retorts.

“He’s innocent, Astarion. He doesn’t deserve this,” Karlach insists.  

A barrage of other innocent faces shuffle through his mind like a deck of cards. There are too many to remember. He can only see a few of them clearly anymore.

“That doesn’t matter,” he says. “And yes, we can.”

“I’m surprised you aren’t itching for a fight, darling,” Tav returns.

“Tempting, darling,” he admits. “But I prefer fights that I can win.”

“It’ll be tough, but we can take 'em,” Karlach argues.

“You istiks have not noticed, but we are standing in a puddle of oil,” Lae’Zel observes. “This place is trapped. We are at a strategic disadvantage. There is no glory in losing a fight you picked.”

“Unless we light the fuse ourselves,” Tav suggests. They all round on her.

“Are you insane!?” Astarion hisses.

“Maybe it could work. We’d just have to-"

“Are you really going to burn us to a crisp for some stranger you don’t even know?” Astarion asks, floored. Lae’zel grunts in agreement.

“We technically do know him-"

“You don’t know him!” Astarion hisses. “Do you care more about a stranger than us?”

“Of course not! But we-”

“We are not in one of your songs!” He spits at her. “How many times do I have to tell you? Your soft-hearted pandering is going to get us all killed!” Tav stares at him, her eyes wide and searching, flickering back and forth between his own. Her lips press into a hard line. 

“I’m beginning to think you aren’t going to accept my very generous offer,” Zarys interrupts. “Do it now, or you’ll be quite sorry.”

The grotto is silent. All eyes are on them. Tav and Zarys stare each other down, each one refusing to give in.

“Fine. We’ll do this your way,” Tav relents, stepping forward.

Astarion grips his daggers tightly, preparing to spring into action. If they are going to survive this, they will have to get out of the oil spill first.

Tav unsheathes a dagger tucked neatly in her jerkin. She grips it tightly as she moves behind a blubbering Rugan. She then produces a scroll of sleep, which quickly settles over Rugan, who slumps back in his restraints and bares his stubbled neck. Tav slices the blade quickly over the tender flesh, severing his jugular in an ugly spurt. Astarion swallows thickly as Rugan silently bleeds out in a lush waterfall of crimson. A cold grin splits across Zarys’s face.

“And just like that, everyone profits.” Zarys announces, her tone a playful singsong once more. “Alright recruits, stock up here and be on your way. Someone will make contact with you in Baldur’s Gate.”

Tav prestidigitates the dagger, sheathing it swiftly and tucking it back into her pack. She quickly turns away, silently leading the way back down the outcrop, back straight and head high. Tav sneaks a glance in his direction and as Astarion meets her gaze, his mind lurches forward and crashes into hers.

Regret, anger, resignation, despair, confusion. Tav’s mind is a swirl of contradictions. And at the center, shame. She wants him to like her so so much, and she can’t be sure he even does.

But the deeper he dives into her, the deeper she dives into him. The dark pit of his fear swallows her whole. It freezes everything it touches: grief, rage, desire, concern, compassion, warmth, the ghost of something else he is too afraid to name. It’s too big to let anything else in. And it has to be: Cazador is coming.

Tav reaches for his hand and gently brushes her fingers against his. Astarion flinches instinctively, jerking out of her grasp. Tav immediately retreats, yanking her hand backwards. She quickly hurries onward down the path, her face guarded and sad. 

It had to be done. Rugan was nothing to him. Cazador would have felt nothing, using him up and then tossing him aside. This was the only way. 

“You’re not wrong, Fangs. But you’re not right, either,” Karlach says, brushing past him. Astarion laughs, a loud high-pitched giggle.

“I don’t care about ‘Right.’ I care about staying alive,” Astarion snaps.

“Even if that means crawling on your belly like a snake?” Karlach returns.

“I’ve done worse things,” Astarion admits flatly. “And so have you, my fiery friend. I don’t know why you’re getting soft now.”

“Because I have a choice now,” she says. “And so do you, you know. You’re free.”

“Yes, I am,” Astarion replies, icily. “And freedom means I can do whatever I want.” Astarion storms back towards the grotto, ignoring Karlach’s disappointed stare.

Lae’Zel, bless her, says nothing.

“Well, don’t you all cut fine figures!” The cheerful, red haired man quickly waves them over as they make their way back through the cave. Tav beelines right to him. “If you have the gold, my pet artist will make you a most heroical likeness.”

Really? He would do that? For the first time in centuries, maybe Astarion could finally-

“You call that man your pet?” Tav asks, incredulous. Astarion speeds up, coming quickly to her side.

“Let’s say we’re his patrons, yeah?” the man smiles. “Found him wandering in the wilds alone. He needs protection. And if his paintings cover our costs, well, so much the better, eh?”

“This protection you’re offering sounds a lot like kidnapping,” Tav says.

“You looking to buy him? I’m open to offers, mate,” he raises his hands in a placating gesture. “But threats, not so much,” he adds darkly. Astarion knows that despite his friendly exterior, this man would have no problem slitting their throats.

Tav raises her hands, mirroring him. “I’m just saying. If he’s as talented as you say, someone is going to come looking.”

“And I would be happy to facilitate a proper reunion between them. For the right price, of course.”

“And what is the right price?”

“600 gold. No more, no less.”

“600 gold!?” Astarion exclaims. “That’s an absurd price!”

“He’s a famous artist! He’s worth a lot!”

“200 gold. You won’t get a better deal so far from Baldur’s Gate,” Tav claims. His eyes narrow.

“450.”

“400.”

“Done.”

“400 gold!?! You have lost your mind,” Astarion cries as Tav hands over the hefty chunk of coin. “For him? Do we have any gold left at all now?”

“Yes, now stop your whining,” Tav snaps. Astarion quietly seethes as Tav turns sharply away from him.

“I can’t say I’ve ever been bought before! Tell me, how much did I fetch?” the artist asks, his eyes hopeful with arrogant curiosity. But his expression quickly falls. “Nevermind, don’t tell me. There’s nothing more depressing than knowing one’s true worth,” he moans. “Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Oskar Fevras.”

Oskar immediately begins regaling them with increasingly sordid details about his love life. Astarion had heard the scandalous rumors from one of his victims, how Lady Jannath had taken a common lover, agreed to marry him, and then the lover had run off somewhere. This was Oskar Fevras? Lady Jannath must be a very lonely woman.

“Say, you couldn’t spare a little coin, could you? Ease the discomfort of the road, some,” Oskar asks.

“Tav,” Astarion warns.

“I can spare a little,” Tav replies, reaching into her coin purse. She rummages for a moment. “How much did you need?”

“Truly a pittance. A measly 200 gold will do.”

“Tavariella, no. I forbid you,” Astarion warns again.

“We can give you 100,” Tav offers. Oskar sighs.

“A bit stingy. But I suppose this will have to do.” Oskar takes the gold and shoves it deep into his pockets. “Until Baldur’s Gate, then.” He winks at Tav before promptly disappearing.

“Not even a proper thank you,” Astarion pouts. “I can’t believe you wasted all of our money on that oaf!” 

“He's an oaf all right," Tav agrees. "But an oaf or not, no one deserves to be enslaved." Her eyes flick over towards him, watching him carefully, and he cannot fight the sneer that creeps across his face.

“How much gold do we have left?” he huffs.

“We have enough. We’ll be fine.”

Astarion rolls his eyes. 

“Cheer up, mate. Think of this as your good deed for the day,” Karlach says brightly.

Astarion scoffs, kicking out at Oskar’s abandoned stool, which topples over pathetically. This annoying, untalented stranger is miraculously freed from his slavery and gets to go home with gold in his pocket to a doting patron. And what did he suffer, a slap to the face? A short imprisonment? Astarion would have begged Cazador for so light a punishment. Oskar didn’t deserve to be enslaved? Had he deserved -

“This has been foolish and a waste of time. A crèche is near, and my people will see that we are safe and re-stocked there,” Lae’Zel claims loudly. Astarion doubts that anyone else genuinely believes her. Maybe Tav.

Tav asks to see the Zhentarim’s wares and he reveals a treasure trove of stolen goods. Astarion immediately picks up a pair of fine leather gloves.

“Gloves of Thievery, a good choice,” the Zhentarim, called Brem, says.

“I want these gloves,” Astarion demands. “My current ones are getting old.”

“It’s only been a week, Astarion,” Karlach chides him.

“Githyanki warriors are capable of killing istiks with far cruder armor than yours. But still, despite your sniveling, those gloves are well-made,” Lae’Zel adds.

Tav picks through her coin purse, but Astarion already knows what she is going to say. “I don’t think I have enough for them, Astarion,” Tav reveals sadly.

“Well, not anymore,” Astarion replies snippily.

“I’m sorry,” she apologizes lamely. He says nothing. “I’ll get you new gloves soon. I promise,” she swears. Astarion sighs petulantly as Tav tucks her coin purse away.

Stop this. You know she means it. She adores you.

Of course she does. So many others had as well.

With no gold left to spare, their group quickly finishes trading. They decide to explore the cave for just a bit longer: there may be other treasures that the Zhentarim have not claimed still hidden in its depths. But once his companions are out of sight, Astarion loops back around and quietly approaches Brem, watching and waiting for an opening. After a moment Brem secures his wares in a crate, locking it before he moves away to speak with his companions. Jackpot.

Freedom means I can do whatever I want. I deserve those gloves. 

Crouching down, Astarion quickly swoops in, picking the lock with frightening ease. He slips the lid off. There’s a soft click and his stomach drops: he had seen the lock, but he had not seen the trap. The lid explodes in a burst of fire and wood, knocking him back on his ass. Shouting erupts throughout the cavern, the harsh echoes quickly becoming a roar of sound. Forcing himself to his feet, he swipes the gloves from the remnants of the crates and dashes away, racing to catch up to Tav and the rest.

“There you are, soldier!” Karlach calls out to him as he rapidly approaches.

“We need to go!” He urges, coming to a momentary halt before the group.

“What did you do?” Tav demands. The shouts of the confused Zhentarim grow louder. They will soon realize that their cargo is missing.

“It doesn’t matter, we need to go!”

Lae’Zel points to his new prize, clasped tightly in his hands. “Tchk. You stole the gloves.”

“Seriously, Astarion?” Tav reprimands him.

“I wanted them!” he exclaims. Tav swears loudly.

“You heard Zarys, we’re dead if the Zhentarim catch us." She shoots him an angry glare but ushers him forward, shielding Astarion from the pursuing Zhentarim. "We better pray there is another way out.” There's a sharp whizzing sound and an arrow strikes the cave wall near Karlach's broken horn, breaking into bits and showering them with wooden splinters. They all bolt, racing deeper into the cave as a hail of arrows rain down on them. 

“Watch it!” Karlach yells as a Zhentarim lobs an alchemist fire towards them. The glass bottle smashes into the cave floor, exploding into sharp fiery bits. Lae’Zel instinctively jumps back, accidentally throwing herself through the cave wall.

Through the cave wall?

“Tskva!!” Lae’Zel swears. “An illusory wall?”

They quickly dart through the illusion and into a much larger, much darker cave. The ground soon slopes sharply away into sudden, impenetrable shadow. A series of ropes and pulleys support a sturdy wooden platform suspended above the pit.

“Looks like a lift of some kind,” Karlach observes. “Where do you think it leads?”

“No idea,” Tav says. “But this looks like our ticket out.”

They each step onto the platform. They can hear the angry shouts of the Zhentarim nearby, but no one has come beyond the wall yet. Do they even know this passage is here? Lae’Zel grabs the lever and pulls, lowering them down, down, down into the deepening darkness below the earth. 

They are protecting him. They could have left him to the Zhentarim, but they are helping him escape. Astarion flexes his fingers, ignoring the strange and sudden urge to grab for Tav’s hand. Instead, he curls his hand into a fist, tightening his fingers around his stolen prize. His new gloves are exactly what he had wanted.

[khywren]

❛ pairing: Astarion/f!OC (Ysera) ❛ word count: 8.6k ┊ ❛ rating: 18+ MDNI ❛ tags/cw: angst, hurt/comfort, hurt no comfort, emotional sex, PIV sex, mentions of trauma and abuse, references to Astarion's past, blood, blood drinking

▸ preview: He had been purposely avoiding her before, vexed by his concern for her wellbeing, but it all seems so pointless now.

Why shouldn't he take as much as he wants – as much as he needs? He'd be stupid not to when she's offering herself so willingly. Sooner or later she'll tire of him, and what will he have then? Nothing but his pride and an empty stomach.

Her kind words hadn't saved him when he needed them most. They're nothing more than a distraction now, and a luxury he cannot afford to indulge if he wants to maintain his freedom.

--

OR: Sometimes all it takes is a little darkness to expose the light. AO3 ┊ masterlist

The shadow-cursed lands are easily the most depressing thing Astarion has seen in weeks. Descending into the Underdark had been awful enough (the bioluminescent mushrooms were, after all, a poor substitute for the warmth of the sun), but here, amidst the pervasive scents of death and decay, the darkness is nothing if not suffocating.

There's an unsettling weight to it, the way it bears down upon them all with an almost crushing force, as if it seeks to drag them down into some endless abyss.

Even when he had prowled the streets of the Lower City, he had found some refuge in the stars that dotted the night sky like so many glittering jewels, or the inviting glow of one of the city's many taverns and brothels.

It's hardly strange, then, part of him almost misses it. Here, where all traces of light have been snuffed out. Had he ever truly been content amongst the shadows, or was it just another of the many lies he had told himself over the years?

For this place is naught but shadow, the kind of creeping, carnivorous darkness that devours everything in its path. It's burrowed beneath his skin and made itself at home in his very bones, like an itch he can never hope to scratch. He would tear himself apart before ever hoping to purge it.

He hasn't felt like this since…

In the farthest recesses of his mind, he hears the scrape of stone-on-stone, recalling the hopelessness he'd felt when the last slivers of light he would see for an entire year refused to be sealed away with him.

Astarion shakes his head to rid himself of the memory.

A soft sigh leaves his lips as he swirls the wine in his glass, fingers wrapped around the delicate stem as he lifts it to his mouth and takes another sip. 

He needs a distraction.

His eyes drift lazily across the bar at the back of the Last Light Inn, searching for her as they always seem to these days.

Astarion's only salvation sits no more than fifteen feet away, but even her light has dimmed in this wretched place. It's evident in the way Ysera slumps her shoulders, the weary fatigue she conceals behind a put-together facade. Her tail hangs limply over the back of her barstool, as still and lifeless as his unbeating heart.

The rest of them might be fooled, but Astarion has worn enough masks to know when someone is playing a part. Watching her is like watching some unknown entity puppet her body, guiding her through the motions without any real respect for the craft. To say it unnerves him is an understatement; he'd find more life in a corpse.

As she takes yet another hearty drink of whatever she plundered from behind the counter, Ysera entertains the bard they met back in the grove with a strained smile and a hollow laugh that echoes harshly in his ears. Astarion remembers her name is Alfira, but only because Ysera had greeted her so fondly the moment they were reunited. There's nothing else remarkable enough about her to retain his interest for more than a fleeting moment.

One after another over the course of the evening, he has watched from afar as the tieflings that had survived the journey to Last Light have circled her like vultures, taking what they needed from her – reassurance, hope, a promise to ensure their safety. Alfira is but the latest scavenger, coming to collect the final scraps.

And Astarion is furious. At the tieflings, for being too weak to carry their own weight. At Ysera, for letting them use her without a second thought. And at himself, for being no better than any of them.

After all, had he not been the first one to take more from her than he was owed?

The stem of the wine glass cracks beneath his fingers, and Astarion pushes it aside before sliding gracefully from his seat. He hears Ysera echo the same empty promises she'd given the rest of the stragglers from the Grove, vowing to secure them safe passage to Baldur's Gate, as if any of them have any say in the matter. 

Alfira thanks Ysera profusely and excuses herself when she notices Astarion approaching. Lost in her thoughts, Ysera turns back to her drink, and Astarion watches her expression turn grim. She downs the rest of the alcohol in a single swallow, teetering on the barstool as she swipes another bottle and upends half its contents into her glass.

The subtle notes of vanilla, smoke, and cinnamon assault Astarion's senses as he draws nearer to her, but not before Ysera has gulped down most of what he assumes from the way she scrunches her nose and sticks out her tongue must be a rather strong batch of whiskey. Hardly his preferred drink, but it's done its job of getting her thoroughly drunk.

When she raises the glass to polish off the rest of it, she only manages to lift it halfway before Astarion intervenes and lays his hand over her wrist to restrain her. She whirls to face him, fire burning in her eyes as he pulls the drink from her hands.

“All right, darling,” he says gently, “that's quite enough of that. I'm not sure what you're hoping to find at the bottom of that glass, but I assure you it's not worth the headache.”

Ysera regards him with sullen fury, and her tail twitches irritability.

“Oh, don't spoil my fun.”

She lurches forwards to steal the drink back from him, but her movements are uncoordinated and slow, and Astarion lets out an amused chuckle as he holds the glass above her head while she swipes helplessly at it. When she finally gives up, he returns it to the counter behind her, well out of reach.

“This is what you consider fun?” he asks incredulously, raising a single brow. “Drowning yourself in cheap spirits? You look positively dreadful. ”

“Thank you for noticing.” Ysera huffs and folds her arms over her chest, and Astarion is quite certain from the look she fixes him with that she's imagining his perfectly arranged curls going up in flames. “Don't act like you're not just as miserable as the rest of us.”

For a moment Astarion hesitates, caught off guard by the truth in her words. But he decides in the end that it's just a lucky guess and shrugs his shoulders dismissively while brushing a stray bit of dirt off of his armor.

“Speak for yourself, my sweet; some of us are flourishing. In fact, I rather find myself quite at home here.”

Shadow, shadow, everything is shadow, he can't get out, there's no way out –

“Liar.” Her voice is slurred but rings in his mind with alarming clarity, ripping him from the memories that refuse to remain buried.

“You haven't come to my tent in days, and I know you're not feeding on anything out there because there is nothing.”

Ysera's temper flares, red-orange fire licking her palms before she clamps them shut to extinguish the flames. He can't decide if she's worried for him, hurt by his absence, or something else entirely.

“Listen, darling,” he starts, “you're hardly in any state to –”

“To what?” she shouts. “To stand by and watch you starve!?” Her body shakes with what might be a restrained sob, and something about the way she looks at him twists like a knife in his chest.

“You know I can't do that, Astarion! Let me help you.”

‘Please!’ His fists beat mercilessly on the stone, fingers scraped raw and bloody. ‘Someone help me!’ 

No one comes. 

The anger that's been simmering inside him erupts, and his eyes flash in warning. But she meets his ire with determination, either too drunk or too stupid to realize what she's done. The memories she's pulled to the surface, long since locked away.

Only then does he notice the staring. Half a dozen tieflings watch them with bated breath, eyes wide and curious. Even some of their companions have noticed the commotion.

Astarion schools his expression and twists his lips into a bitter smile.

“Fine.”

Ysera opens her mouth immediately, ready to refute his remarks, but she clearly wasn't expecting this.

“Wait… that's it?” she asks, narrowing her eyes as she peers up at him in disbelief. “Seriously? After all that, that's really all it took to convince you?”

Astarion responds with another shrug and a tilt of his head.

“Come now – do I really seem like the kind of person who would lie just to get out of an uncomfortable conversation?”

Ysera snorts audibly.

“Astarion, you are exactly that kind of person.”

A smirk flits across his face, silver brows arched as he leans in towards her. Ysera's back hits the counter as she retreats, and Astarion watches her nostrils flare as she breathes in his scent, caged beneath him with no intention of escaping. 

Her eyes travel to his lips, and there's little more than a hair's breadth between them when his hand closes around the handle of the glass behind her, and he withdraws suddenly from her personal space. 

She masks her disappointment well, but her eyes spark with a passion he hasn't seen in days.

Well, at least there's still some life left in her.

Astarion swirls the rest of the whiskey in her glass and swallows it. It tastes like ash in his mouth, but it's well worth the venomous look she throws his way. He sets the empty glass down beside her and saunters away with a flourish of his hand.

“I'll see you tonight, darling.” ————

The air here is stagnant as ever, but Astarion swears he feels a chill snake its way down his spine as he walks through their camp. There's enough distance between his tent and Ysera's for him to dwell on what she'd said to him earlier that afternoon, and no one around to stop his thoughts from wandering.

‘I know you're not feeding on anything out there because there is nothing.’

She's right, of course. The first night they’d arrived here, he'd snuck away from camp in the middle of the night and stumbled upon the body of a dead bear, lying peacefully on the side of the road as if in slumber. 

He'd sank his teeth eagerly into its fur, retching when its putrid blood had burned like acid in his throat. The same inky black ichor had oozed from every other creature he had come across, each less appetizing than the last.

By the third day, he was ravenous.

He'd slipped into Ysera's tent well after everyone had gone to sleep, but she'd looked so frail and cold beneath her blankets that the thought of drinking from her had physically repulsed him.

Each time he'd considered asking her again, the treacherous voices in his head had condemned him for his selfishness, filling him with an unfamiliar guilt that he still isn't quite sure what to do with.

Worse still, he feels plagued by that same guilt even now, even after she has all but demanded he come to her tent and feed from her.

Astarion hesitates for only a moment before he thrusts open the flap of Ysera's tent, startling her from where she sits in front of her mirror to brush out the tangles in her hair. It's gotten significantly longer in the month and a half since they've been traveling together, cascading over her shoulders in satiny pink waves as she turns to face him.

Her face falls when she sees his conflicted expression, but she scoots towards him anyway and invites him to sit with a sweep of her hand.

“I was starting to think you were going to stand me up again,” she murmurs quietly, twisting her hands in her lap.

Relying on instinct has gotten him this far; Astarion finds himself settling back into familiar routines, letting a seductive smile play across his lips as he kneels across from her. He cocks his head to the side and clicks his tongue, purposely dragging his gaze over every curve of her body.

“And waste another moment without enjoying that delicious blood of yours? That simply won't do.”

Her heart leaps in her chest, a blush staining her cheeks. It's almost too easy, her concern for him seemingly forgotten in an instant.

He wants to feel proud, confident that he can still get what he wants from her when he wants it.

But the only thing he feels when he looks at her now is shame. It sprouts like creeping, twisting vines, suffocating him from within.

She hasn't bothered to light any candles, and Astarion suddenly finds himself missing the way her golden eyes glimmer like warm amber in the firelight. Ysera crawls towards him and settles comfortably in his lap like she's always belonged there, and Astarion instinctively inhales her scent, swept up in the aroma of roses and springtime that make him yearn for the sun.

He hasn't had the time to remember what it feels like to be cold, but everywhere she touches him breathes new life into his frigid skin, caressing him like the kiss of a nascent flame. She sweeps her hair obediently over her shoulder to expose her throat to him and waits for his instruction.

When Astarion lifts his hands to grip her waist and thread his fingers through her unbound hair, he's trembling.

Not in anticipation, but with anger. 

Astarion holds her more tightly than he should, and Ysera's spine immediately straightens. The racing of her heart suggests that she is afraid, and yet she still does not refuse him. 

How many years had he suffered, trapped in an endless cycle of misery under Cazador's cruel thumb while the buzzards stripped him bare? How hard had he fought to claw back even a modicum of freedom, only to watch her willingly submit to the whims of complete strangers whose lives were ultimately insignificant? To him , when he's done nothing but take and take and take?

With every poor, worthless fool she helps, she makes a mockery of him.

His rage is a volatile thing, barely leashed behind the fangs he presses into her throat. A soft whimper escapes Ysera's lips, and she clutches at his shirt. Somewhere on the periphery of his mind, he realizes he's hurting her, but the rush of blood that pours into his mouth as he punctures her neck without warning washes the thought away on a current of red. Her pulse pounds in his ears, and with every swallow he can feel his own strength returning.

He had been purposely avoiding her before, vexed by his concern for her wellbeing, but it all seems so pointless now.

Why shouldn't he take as much as he wants – as much as he needs? He'd be stupid not to when she's offering herself so willingly. Sooner or later she'll tire of him, and what will he have then? Nothing but his pride and an empty stomach. 

Her kind words hadn't saved him when he needed them most. They're nothing more than a distraction now, and a luxury he cannot afford to indulge if he wants to maintain his freedom.

Ysera yields without protest when Astarion bears down upon her, pushing her roughly onto her bedroll. He pins her beneath him, swallowing mouthful after mouthful of her blood as if in a trance. When his fangs dig deeper, she lets out a strangled sob, and the sound of it wrenches him out of his stupor just in time to realize just how close he'd come to losing control of himself completely.

Astarion refuses to look at her when he tears himself away from her throat, pointedly avoiding the ghastly wound he's left behind. The air is thick with the smell of her blood, and the drops that run down his chin bloom red against the white fabric of her nightshirt.

His stomach tightens. All this time, he'd fooled himself into believing he was the one in control.

But no matter what he does, he can't escape the one simple truth that he is weak. The only question now is who gets to hold his leash: Cazador or Ysera?

“Astarion?”

Ysera's voice sounds so fragile, timid and uncertain as she calls out to him. He grimaces when her hand cups his cheek with more tenderness he deserves, compelling him to look at her. He knows what he'll see when he does: revulsion, fear, betrayal.

But when Astarion forces himself to meet her gaze, the look of concern writ across her face fractures something deep within his chest, and he gasps for breath he no longer needs. 

“What's wrong, Astarion? Are you alright?”

The softness of her expression cuts him like a knife, and he pulls himself away as if he's been burned. 

“I should go.”

“What? I don’t – Astarion, wait!”

He's halfway on his feet by the time she reaches for him, hands just brushing past the collar of his shirt. 

Don't look back.

This was a mistake.

You gods-damned fool.

Another sob bubbles in her throat, and he keeps his back to her, certain that looking at her now would ruin him. He doesn't want to know what she looks like, broken and abandoned not by some nameless foe, but by someone else she trusted not to hurt her.

But it's worse than that, because he is afraid to know.

“Please… don't go.”

Astarion clenches his fists and walks away.

Their camp is still quiet as Astarion stalks back to his tent. He's halfway there when he sees a flicker of movement out of the corner of his eye, turning to see Gale and Shadowheart engaged in a hushed conversation together.

They glance at him from across the campfire, and their expressions grow stern as they survey the state of him. It likely doesn't take them long to piece together what has happened. The hand Astarion wipes across his mouth comes away red, stained with the remnants of Ysera's blood he hadn't had the time to clean up before he left her tent.

Astarion deflects their silent accusations with a scowl, daring either of them to speak. But they say nothing, and Astarion turns up his nose in defiance before returning to his tent.

They don't understand. None of them do.

The moment he returns to the privacy of his tent, Astarion wastes no time peeling his clothes off and throwing them to the far corner. Her scent clings to him anyway, and even after he's cleaned the blood from his mouth, it's all he can think of. 

He pulls on a fresh pair of trousers and makes himself as comfortable as he can, settling into his bedroll. The same one Ysera had insisted he keep once she found out he was trancing on nothing more than an old wooden board.

What must she think of him now, he wonders?

Astarion sighs and closes his eyes. He half expects her to come after him, but with each passing minute, he realizes it's nothing more than wishful thinking.

When he finally slips into an uneasy trance, all he sees is her face, twisted in grief.

————

Isobel's moonshield glows bright white and ethereal as Astarion slips through it like a phantom, his skin prickling as he emerges on the other side of the barrier.

He had been told Ysera had come this way not long after they had returned from their preliminary visit to Moonrise Towers, though he doesn't quite understand why she would choose this of all places until he spots her.

She's sitting on the flat top of the rock that extends over the lakeshore, and Astarion watches as she grabs a loose stone from the spot next to her and throws it as hard as she can into the water. Her tail thumps against the ground, and he can overhear her muttering about the drow they'd met shortly after coming face to face with Ketheric Thorm himself.

She grabs another rock and hurtles it farther than the last. Astarion finds it all rather amusing, and anger certainly looks far better on her than sorrow.

He clears his throat as he approaches, and she makes a noise of surprise when she turns to face him, scarlet coloring her cheeks.

“Astarion! Uh… hi. How long have you been –?”

Astarion gestures to one of his pointed ears and smirks through his fangs. “Long enough.”

Ysera's already buried her face in her hands when he sits next to her, and she inhales sharply before letting out a frustrated groan.

“It’s just – I don't – I can't believe that woman!” she seethes. Her teeth are halfway bared behind her snarl, body bristling with magic. She fixes her gaze on Astarion, expression softening when her eyes rove over his face.

“I can't believe she thought she could speak to you like that.” A string of Infernal curses tumbles from her mouth, and Astarion watches as she opens her palm and ignites a brilliant ball of white-hot flame.

“I still think Gale should have let me incinerate her.”

He hasn't seen her this upset in weeks, and an unexpected thrill of pleasure courses through him at the fact that it's all on his behalf.

“And that, darling, is why we leave diplomacy to the wizard.”

Ysera pouts at him. “Oh, come on. You would have enjoyed it too, and you know it.”

Without Gale's interference, Astarion has no doubt that their encounter with the blood merchant would have gone awry. The look of terror on Araj’s face when Ysera had summoned her magic and threatened her had been extremely entertaining, and he hadn't been the only one to be disappointed when Gale had intervened.

“True,” he says wryly, "but I hardly think the great General Thorm would have appreciated us attacking one of his little minions.”

Ysera snorts and rolls her eyes.

“He might if he knew how much of a bitch she is.”

Astarion throws back his head and laughs. It's the best he's felt in days.

“What?” she mutters indignantly. “We'd have been doing him a favor! Whether or not he deserves it is irrelevant.”

This time, when Astarion fixes her with a mischievous grin, it's completely genuine. His influence on her is evident; even a month ago, she never would have suggested such a thing.

“Well, there's always next time. And if she should happen to find herself in the way of a blade –”

“– or a fireball,” Ysera interjects, tail swishing excitedly back and forth. Astarion simply nods in agreement.

“It would be such a shame, of course, but accidents do happen.”

They look at each other for a moment, and despite the familiar ease Astarion can sense returning between them, her face remains inscrutable.

“In all seriousness, though…” Ysera says after a moment, “I'm sorry about what she said.”

Astarion stares out across the water and dismisses her with a wave of his hand.

“Don't be. What's done is done.”

What hadn't surprised him was the way Araj had spoken to him, intent on using him to indulge her strange fantasies. It's nothing he isn't already used to, and instead of feeling angry, the only thing he'd felt was numb. 

That Ysera would be against the idea was another given, but it was the ferocity with which she had defended him once he’d expressed his disinterest that he had found the most intriguing. 

Especially considering what had occurred between them only two nights prior to their visit to Moonrise. 

He still doesn't understand her, or why she insists on being so kind to him. Somewhere, some part of him that he thought long dead stirs to life, the part of him that dares to hope that maybe she might actually care for him.

The same way he's been too scared to admit he cares for her. The people he cares about don't survive for very long. She deserves better than that.

He's never really had someone to care for before – someone he could truly call his own. Everything he had had been ripped away from him the night Cazador turned him. Little by little, she had worked her way into his cold, dead heart, so quietly that he hadn't even noticed it until it was already too late.

“That doesn't mean I have to like it,” she's saying now, looking at him with more of that righteous indignation. “I promise I'll never ask you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, no matter what we're offered in return.”

A weight lifts from his shoulders. There's freedom in her words, the closest he's felt to it since waking up on that beach so many days ago. He reaches for it tentatively, as if it will slip through his fingers if he isn't very, very careful.

“Thank you.” 

He lets Ysera lay her hand over his, and together they listen to the waves break against the shore in silence. If they survive this, he vows to himself that he will confess everything to her, before he leaves. He'd thought it would be better to slip away quietly, to pretend like nothing had ever happened between them, but as she leans against his shoulder and strokes the back of his hand with a fondness she reserves only for him, he knows that he can't go through with it.

The best he can do for her now is try to convince her to stand up for herself so this doesn't happen again. Him. The tieflings. All of it.

“You'd do well to heed your own advice, you know.”

Ysera lifts her head from Astarion’s shoulder and looks at him in confusion.

“What's that supposed to mean?”

Astarion huffs a dry laugh, and she furrows her brow.

“Only that I haven't seen you smile once since we came to this place,” he says simply.

“I mean… yeah, just look at it. Do you blame me?” she counters, throwing her arms wide. She must expect Astarion to commiserate with her, but he only looks at her sternly.

“I'm talking about the tieflings, darling,” he says sourly. “You don't owe them even half as much as you've given them.”

“I…” Ysera bites her lip and looks away to avoid meeting his gaze. “It's fine.”

“Is it?” he presses.

She draws her legs close to her chest and wraps her arms around them, resting her chin on her knees. For a moment Astarion thinks she won't respond, but she sounds so small when she finally tells him:

“My whole life, all I've ever done is hurt people. My parents are dead because of me.” She traces a hand over the jagged scars that mar her face, and Astarion remembers the sordid tale of how she got them.

“So is the man who gave me this.”

Dead by her own hands, after he'd carved into her face as a punishment for hurting him.

“And you too.” Astarion glances down at his chest, eyes following the path of the mark she'd left seared into his armor the last time her temper had flared, hot as the forge in the Underdark.

“I just…” Ysera sighs and hugs herself tightly, eyes downcast. “I just want to help people, if I can. I don't see anything wrong with that.”

At last, he thinks he understands. In her desperation to feel wanted, to convince herself she isn't just a mistake, she's destroying herself in the process. He sees his own self-loathing mirrored back at him like some vile, twisted shadow, always there, always whispering in his ear that no matter what he does, nothing will change.

“You'd sacrifice your own happiness for people who are more than willing to take advantage of that kindness,” Astarion observes dryly. “Doesn't seem like a fair trade to me.”

He knows she can't refute the truth. The seconds turn into minutes; and there's something deeply sad about the way she smiles as she finally turns to look at him again.

“And what about you?” she asks quietly. “Is that what you're doing, Astarion? Taking advantage of me?”

————

The next evening, Astarion finds himself outside Ysera's tent once again. He tells himself it's the hunger that has brought him to her proverbial doorstep, because it's more convenient to lie than it is to admit he feels the need to set things right between them.

That still doesn't make him any less anxious as he slips quietly into her tent. He finds her tucked under a pile of blankets, thumbing through one of the terribly written romance novels she's picked up from one merchant or another. When she hears him enter, she looks up at him and sets her book aside without a second thought.

Astarion has come to her tent enough times now that they have long since established a routine, and even though his visits have been infrequent as of late, she still seems more than eager to accommodate him.

Neither of them speak about what happened the last time he paid her a nighttime visit.

He leaves his boots by the entrance and makes himself comfortable amidst the pile of blankets she's used to line the floor of her tent.

“Back so soon, Astarion?”

“What can I say? I've missed you, darling.”

The truth slips through his lips like water through a sieve, even though he hides it behind a well-placed smirk.

Ysera combs her hands through her hair, tying it back and out of the way. Astarion's eyes follow the shape of her jaw before reluctantly settling on the bite marks on her throat. They've healed since their previous encounter, but it doesn't stop the memory of her, bloodstained and trembling, from resurfacing in his mind like a festering wound.

Yet when she crawls out from beneath her blankets and into his lap again, she does so without hesitation. There is no trace of fear in her golden eyes, and although her smile is hollow, she holds his face in her hands with a gentleness that cannot be anything but sincere.

Blazing heat follows the path of her fingers beneath his chin. Under her direction, Astarion lifts his head to meet her gaze. There is an emptiness there now, a cold detachment made all the more haunting in the flickering light within her tent that casts her face in shadows. The tenderness of her hands as they sink into his hair sends a chill down his spine, and despite himself he leans into her touch.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said, you know,” she says, twirling a stray lock of his hair around her finger. He hums thoughtfully in response.

“Do you want to know what I really want, Astarion?”

The shadow-cursed lands have stolen something from each of them, but they have taken the most from Ysera. Gone is all her reckless optimism and carefree laughter, her last and only defense against the darkness that dwells within her own mind. The woman in his lap may wear her face and speak with her voice, but it isn't her.

Astarion swallows thickly and nods.

“I want to think about something other than this place, or these worms in our heads,” she says, barely above a whisper. “Or why can't I sleep without these godsdamned nightmares.”

The dam breaks, and her body shudders with a quiet sob as she presses his face against her neck in a silent plea.

“You're the only one who’s ever made it all disappear,” she whimpers. “Help me forget, Astarion.”

He knows it is an impossible request. He's been trying to forget for two hundred years, long enough to know the weight of what she's asking of him. But he presses his fangs into her flesh like a balm all the same, soothing her as she sags against him and rakes her nails across his scalp.

He cannot make her forget, but he can distract her. He owes her at least that much. And for the first time in a long time, when he sinks his fangs into her neck and lets his hands slip beneath her nightgown, everything feels right.

Astarion’s hands drink in her warmth with the same eagerness he swallows her blood, roving over her curves and dragging his nails against her bare skin. She shudders at the contact and moans softly, pressing his face even more firmly into the curve of her neck.

“Astarion…”

When Ysera accidentally brushes her hand over the shell of his ear, Astarion groans into her throat, grabbing her by the hips and positioning her over the growing bulge in his pants to let her feel the hardening outline of his cock as he rocks his hips against her. She responds beautifully, grinding down against him the moment he pulls away. His tongue swirls around the puncture wounds on her neck, coaxing more delicious sounds from her before he pauses to admire his handiwork.

When he unlatches from her and sits back on his calves, a trickle of wine-dark blood spills over her collarbones, staining her skin with crimson as it disappears beneath her nightgown. Astarion’s fingers glide smoothly up her torso, yanking the garment down as her breasts spill into his hands. Her hips jerk forward again as he brushes over her nipples, pinching the taut buds between his thumbs and forefingers.

Ysera sighs softly when he presses his nose against her chest, and she tastes just as heavenly as he remembers as he runs the flat of his tongue across her flushed skin, following the trail of her blood. The marks on her neck entice him to drink more, but instead he nips a teasing path along her throat and across her jaw, breath fanning out against her ear as he drops his voice to a pleasing growl.

“You've told me all about what you want – now tell me what you need .”

“I–”

Her breath hitches as Astarion’s fangs press into her skin, and her hands fumble blindly for his laces.

“I need you,” she whines. “I need this .”

A laugh rumbles low in his throat, and Astarion rewards her with another nip. “Very good. You need my cock, darling? It's all yours.”

As Ysera works at his laces with trembling hands, Astarion braces himself for the familiar sense of dread that has been his constant companion during their nights together. But her touch is gentle, almost reverent, as she frees him from his trousers, and he finds that he doesn't hate the feeling of her hands on him perhaps as much as he should.

But Astarion smothers the thought as he catches a glimpse of her eyes, smouldering like golden embers beneath her lashes. 

At last, she's come back to him.

With one hand braced against her back, Astarion steadies Ysera as she lifts her hips, maintaining eye contact with her as she watches him expectantly. He pulls aside her underwear, exposing her quivering cunt as he lines his cock up with her entrance. 

“Are you ready for me?” he asks.

“Yes,” she answers.

Astarion understands the language of pain – what it means to finally feel something after feeling nothing for so long. He can see it now in her eyes, pleading for something she doesn't quite know how to ask for.

So with a quick snap of his hips, Astarion sheathes himself inside her in a single, harsh thrust. At the same time, his fangs pierce her neck again, blood running thick and warm down his throat. Ysera cries out and whimpers his name, but the way she throws her arms around his shoulders and clings to him tells him everything he needs to know.

Ysera rolls her hips each time he drives his cock inside her, letting him bottom out with each thrust. She's tight, pulsing around his cock as he works her open, and even though it must hurt she begs for more, more, more . 

Kneading her breasts in his hands, Astarion encourages her to keep moving, whispering words of praise into her ear when he's taken his fill of her blood.

“That's it. Good girl. Focus on me.”

Sparks ignite between them when their eyes meet, and even through her half-lidded gaze he can feel the intensity with which she watches him, devoting herself to memorizing every detail of his face, the way he holds her, and the fullness of his cock, warmed by her body and her blood as he maintains a steady pace inside her.

“More,” she sobs, bucking her hips and throwing her head back on a broken moan. “Please, Astarion…”

As much as he finds he enjoys the intimacy of having her in his lap, it makes things unnecessarily complicated. He misses the warmth of her body and the scent of her skin the moment he lays her back against the blankets, reaching for the nightgown bunched around her torso and pulling it over her head. Ysera waits patiently for him to reach for her underwear next, smooth fingers hooking beneath the waistband before he slides them down her legs and tosses them into the darkness.

She looks up at him, pupils blown, swallowing as Astarion gently spreads her legs and seats himself between her knees. Slicking his hand over his cock, he takes in the sight of her, pleased by the gentle curve of her mouth and the way her heart flutters beneath her ribs. He slides his length through her slick folds, gathering her arousal.

“Wait.”

Astarion pauses, confusion coloring his expression as he wonders what's gone wrong.

“I…”

Even in the darkness, he can see the flush that stains her cheeks, plush lips parted as she pants softly.

“I want to see you too.”

She smiles sheepishly when he rolls his eyes, and he huffs dramatically before grabbing the hem of his shirt and pulling it over his head. The rest of his clothes join hers in the same half-forgotten pile, and Astarion quickly returns to his place between her legs.

“Better, darling?”

“Uh-huh.”

It's difficult for him not to preen beneath her attention as he eyes travel over the sculpted planes of his chest and shoulders, but Ysera anchors her gaze instead on his face, studying him as though it's the first time she's seen it. 

He wonders what she sees when she looks at him, what she's searching for with those brilliant golden eyes. Ysera's breath hitches when he enters her again, hands on her waist as he seats himself fully inside her. He pulls almost completely out of her and pauses, waiting for her to whine in frustration before he slams home again. He does it again, snapping his hips forward with enough force that it nearly lifts her off the blankets.

The sound of her languid moans sounds like a symphony as he sets a feverish pace, grunting through gritted teeth as he fucks her hard and deep. Hands tucked beneath her knees, he gives her everything she'd asked for, taking pride in every whimper and moan that tumbles from her mouth.

“What are you thinking about now?” he asks. The lewd sound of their bodies moving together fills the silence between them while Ysera struggles to find an answer to his question, and she barely gets out a single word before her eyes slam shut and she buries her fists in the blankets.

“You.” 

He hits a particularly sensitive spot inside her and she cries out in pleasure, gasping for breath. “You, Astarion. Always you, always, always…”

The admission pleases him more than he cares to admit. He's seen the way some of the others look at her, and with every thrust of his hips he makes sure there will never be room for anyone but him.

The thought of her sharing this kind of intimacy with anyone but him is nearly enough to drive him mad. Her secrets, her hopes, her fears, all of them are his and his alone.

But what, then, does that make her?

Yours.

His mind rejects the obvious answer.

It's strange, he realizes, that even as his mind wanders, it remains fixated on her. He wants to remember the way she looks beneath him, trying so hard to keep her eyes focused on his face. He wants to remember the feel of her in his hands, the way she moans and whimpers only for him.

He wants to remember, because for the first time in so many years, he finally feels like more of a man than a monster.

Astarion adjusts his position and leans over her, and Ysera takes the invitation to gather his hands in her own. Their fingers lace together and she squeezes tightly. He can feel her magic brimming just beneath her palms, undulating in time with the steady drumming of her heart. Her eyes shine with the ferocity of a supernova, a dying star scattered into the cosmos.

He feels the tether on her power snap taut, and her body trembles with the effort it takes to restrain it. Ysera's throat constricts with a sharp gasp as Astarion drives his hips forward again and again, coaxing her closer and closer to the sweet oblivion he knows she needs with each delicious thrust.

The air crackles with magic when Astarion pins Ysera's arms above her head, lightning dancing between her outstretched fingers. She arches her back and writhes each time he thrusts into her, his pace unfaltering as he banishes any lingering doubts from her mind.

Her fingers flex and she looks away, a frightened animal in flight. Astarion grabs her chin between his fingers and tilts her head towards him to capture her mouth in a tender kiss. His tongue slides across the seam of her lips and she yields to him without hesitation. He greedily devours every delightful little sound she makes for him, kissing her in just the right way he knows will produce the exact response he wants from her.

“Don't run from me,” he says softly. It's more of a request than a demand, but she complies all the same. 

Her gaze returns to his face, albeit reluctantly, and Astarion doesn't know what comes over him when he smooths his thumb across her cheek and cradles her head in his hand. “I’ve got you.” 

The gentleness of his own voice surprises even himself.

Ysera has always been afraid of herself, but never of him. He can't understand why. He's hurt her. He can't be certain he won't do it again, before everything is over. Whatever monster dwells within her must be truly terrible if it would convince her to seek solace in someone like him, no matter how much he's come to crave her affection.

She clings to him like so many others before her, legs lifting to encircle his back to keep him close, tail coiling tightly around his leg. An instinct to beg for more of the only thing he has to offer her. 

But what he can't dismiss as instinct is the way she looks at him, bright and warm as the first rays of the sun as dawn breaks over the horizon. Mere inches separate them, and Astarion can feel her breath fanning out over his lips with each sigh and gasp she makes beneath him.

“Astarion…”

His name sounds like honey on her tongue. Despite himself, Astarion recoils from the longing in her voice, his expression impassive despite the terror that takes hold within him and encircles his unbeating heart like a fist.

He remembers so few of his victims, but there is one he will never be able to forget. The man he had refused to condemn, the one and only time he had rebelled against his master’s orders. He had looked at Astarion the same way Ysera does now, had spoken his name with the same yearning that it had doomed him to a year of starvation and suffering.

No , he wants to scream, don't say it.

This isn't what he wanted.

But it's no use. He watches, helpless, as her mouth falls open and her hand raises to brush a stray curl behind his ear.

“Astarion, I lo –”

He crushes his mouth against hers, swallowing her confession with a desperation he hopes she will mistake for affection.

Astarion understands love the way a scholar understands facts and figures – from a distance and with cold indifference. He's grown adept at mimicking its trademarks, the mannerisms of genuine devotion, to be used as a means to an end but never to be indulged in.

Because allowing himself to hope for anything more would be to invite his destruction.

And yet, as Ysera kisses him back and murmurs the words against his lips again and again, Astarion can't stop himself from reveling in how good they sound. If he must be weak, let it be for something worthwhile.

I love you, Astarion. I love you. I love you.

He doesn't respond, his mind a whirlwind of contradictions. If it bothers her, Ysera doesn't let him see it. Instead, she winds her arms behind his back, touch featherlight as she traces the scars carved into his flesh. With each pass of her fingers, she erases the pain he'd been made to feel when he'd received them, if only for a fleeting moment.

Astarion doubts she's even aware of what she's done to him, that each time she touches him with such gentleness it makes him want to abandon centuries of habit and believe that they might actually have a future together. Tonight was supposed to be about her, but in everything she does, somehow she still prioritizes him.

“Ysera.”

He tests the feel of her name in his mouth, spoken with the same devotion she's given him. Her entire body shudders in response, and Astarion finds that he rather likes it. The need to please her becomes an all-consuming thought in his mind and he lowers his head, taking the peak of her breast into his mouth as he continues to roll his hips into hers at a pace that brings them both immense satisfaction.

Ysera lets out a keening whine when Astarion pinches her nipple between his teeth and flicks it with his tongue, mirroring the gesture on her other breast with his hand. The hands on his back instinctively tighten, nails pressed into his skin.

“I wonder if I could make you come for me like this,” he groans, voice low. “Would you like that, Ysera?”

She murmurs something immediately that sounds like “yes”, but Astarion considers his options. She'd probably agree to anything he said now, if she thinks it would bring her the relief she seeks. And he can give her so much better than that.

“Perhaps some other time,” he says, chuckling when she whines in protest and writhes beneath him.

One hand slips beneath her, cupping the base of her tail while the other drags a torturously slow path down her stomach towards the place their bodies are joined. Ysera sucks in a breath, trembling in anticipation. She lets it out on a strangled shout when Astarion circles her clit with his thumb; at the same time he caresses the underside of her tail, sending tremors of pleasure throughout her body. 

Her eyes fly open, hazy with arousal. “Again,” she pleads, canting her hips to press herself against the hand on her clit.

A single fang gleams behind Astarion’s lips.

“I thought so,” he purrs. He alternates his strokes, teasing both her tail and her clit between every thrust of his cock inside her. Her cunt tightens around him and he bites back a moan, watching her fall to pieces in his hands. 

“Astarion. Astarion. ” She says his name like a mantra, clinging desperately to him as he guides her to the edge, keeping her just on the precipice. He knows her body well, enough to build her pleasure to a roaring crescendo, and only once she begs for release one final time does he finally give it to her. With one last pass of his hands and thrust of his cock, Ysera finally lets go, gnashing her teeth and arching her back off the blankets as she shatters beneath him. Her chest heaves as she gasps for breath, riding the cresting wave of her orgasm as Astarion increases the pace of his thrusts and follows her quickly over the edge.

His hand comes away from her cunt slick with her arousal, and Ysera watches him slowly lick his fingers clean, enraptured by the sight of it. Astarion pulls out of her with a sigh, fixing his hair and bushing away the curls that have fallen over his eyes.

Ysera glances between Astarion and the entrance of her tent; he can tell that she's afraid he will leave. On any other night he would collect his clothes and go, but he can't bear the thought of abandoning her again, not after everything that has occurred between them.

He feels her relax the moment he takes the liberty of laying down beside her, and although his back is turned he can still hear the way her heart skips a beat as she sighs in relief. She settles in beside him, and they slip into a comfortable silence.

Is this what it would be like if they were together? Enjoying one another's company without obligation or expectations? The emptiness he feels now has nothing to do with what just transpired between them and everything to do with the fact that she isn't still in his arms, sharing her warmth with him.

Astarion feels her hand hovering over him, hears her reconsider before rolling over onto her other side and drawing the blankets up to her chin. They lay together in the darkness, but the silence soon becomes suffocating.

Astarion’s mind races, a thousand different thoughts waging war within him. Guilt wraps its way around his heart like strangling vines, each pricking thorn gnawing away at his already fractured composure. He moves before his brain has time to remind him it's a bad idea, rolling over to face her.

Ysera makes a muffled noise of surprise when Astarion slips his arm over her torso, tucking her tightly against his chest. He holds her close enough to calm the tempest raging inside him, indulging more than he should by burying his nose into the nape of her neck and inhaling the scent of her. 

She deserves to know the truth. And tomorrow, he will tell her everything. But for now, he grants himself this small mercy, entertaining the fantasy that this could be forever, that he could be the one to bring back her smile. Because when she finally lets him go – and she will, once she learns of his deception – at least he won't have to wonder what it might have been like to be hers.

————

Astarion has been awake for hours by the time he sees Ysera emerge from her tent, hair disheveled as she rubs the sleep from her eyes. He'd been loathe to extract himself from her arms earlier that morning, but the longer he let it carry on the harder he knew it would have been to go through with what needs to be done.

Ysera smiles softly at him as Gale passes a plate of food into her hands, and she brushes Shadowheart off as the cleric fusses over the fresh bite marks on her neck. Shadowheart skewers him with an accusatory scowl, but her temper cools when she notices the soberness of his expression. Whatever she thinks happened between them, she doesn't press any further.

When breakfast is finished and the plates have been cleared away, Astarion grabs Ysera's attention and leads her away from the others.

He doesn't want an audience – not for this.

She follows him quietly to the edge of camp, and they come to a stop just before the barrier of the moonshield. She seems to pick up on his stiff posture, and her reaction to his expression when he finally turns to face her seems to confirm her worst fears.

“Do you have a moment?” he asks. “I… I think we need to talk.”

[xxnashiraxx]

She's My Collar

✶Pairing: Astarion x female!Durge | Astarion x Ofelia

✶Warnings: MDNI. Implied Loss of Virginity, Blood

✶Word Count: 640

✶Summary: A tale enduring the test of time- of secrets and love and mournful longing. Light and dark. Devout and denied. Woven into their lives like the red string of fate.

I have no idea what possessed me to grind this out, but. I've had She's My Collar on repeat for a week and it's just stuck in my brain. Have my perspective on Astarion's yearning for Ofelia and for a very vague look ahead for the main fic. Unnescessary to read the big one!! But if you'd like more on them, they're in my pinned masterlist! ❤ Thank you for reading!

✶Song:

Atonement, heavy upon his back. His cross to bear through a verdant pass, a sprawling underground teeming with danger and beauty, a landscape wretched and choked by shadow. The weight follows, vigilant and punishing, grinding thought to dust beneath the absence of the sun.

Black and blue, a veil unrelenting. Darkness cloaking his still heart and clinging to seeking fingers in shame and contrition. Bruises indigo and stark beneath a covetous gaze, the color melting his mind into melancholy appetence.

Her. Sun-bright in the corners of her eyes, in the raven locks that drape over her body. Skin kissed by the light, rich toned and warm to the touch. Maddening curves, full and bewitching. She moves with a grace unbound by centuries of torment, though the weight upon her back remains just as potent.

Red and yellow, dripping from her fingers and painting her in accusations from the dead. Golden pinpricks flashing in her brown gaze, tearing through the hole in his heart to make a home in the space in between. A heat that saps the cold from his limbs and wreaths him in a dastardly crown of thorns that dig and dig and dig.

Whispered words and revelations that sting and cut- severing threads and reknitting them beneath distrust and agony. The yellow begins to flicker and fade, and the weight on his back becomes unbearable. Closing around his throat- a debt ravenous for payment. And he pays.

Torturous, slow, it doesn’t return until she’s begging him to snip the thread and let the weight crush her. To grind her into nothing, held like a fragile porcelain doll in his hands. He refuses, the squeeze of selfishness burning in his neck. Greedy for that light- refusing her tear-sodden pleas as they dig like the nails in his shoulders.

One little sentence, snapping bone and tearing sinew- to loosen the binds or rend his head from his shoulders beneath their eager pinch. A choice, imploring him forward to either break her beyond repair or finally relent.

“I love you…”

He surrenders to her words implicitly, shackles slipping from him to clatter and thunder in the void between his ribs. Rays that render him weak, on his knees before her, fingers decorating her hips like they’ve always been there- always belonged. Home.

Home in the violent light, in its ceaseless ache for him. In her careful palms, cradling sharp jaw and pointed ear. Mapping every angle until they soften into the pliant devotion that was written on his bones the moment his sanguine hunger was sated on her red.

Crimson that damns her to the masses. Crimson that lifts her above them all. His deference sincere, thrust into him against his will. A piety both pure and prurient.

Time, like the water that laps at the blazing tower, beneath the tree that blossoms to life and lifts the curse from the land. Beneath her patience and adoration, every touch feather light- every sup holy.

Almost lost, almost stolen from him. Ripped free and sewn back together under hands that beseech her to come back. To return. To his arms, to him.

His web of lies sundered, shattered into nothing as a feeling lost to the slow drag of years and torture blossoms among the decay. Brilliant petals, drowning the blue, drowning the black. Weight slipping from their shoulders as he loses himself to the embrace of her eternal worship.

Crimson, vivid and dripping down her thighs, under his fingers. Crimson in his eyes, eviscerating and impassioned, melting them together beneath her scorching skin and his blazing infatuation. A seizing of limbs, of breath. His love savage and voracious, he sates it inside her, against her lips, against her skin.

His sun. His salvation. His purpose.

More valuable than any treasure he could steal, any gold he could possess.

His Ofelia.

[beautifulbows924]

A bit of a character study (if you squint), but as someone with atrocious self esteem/body dysmorphia, I feel like I don’t see many fics exploring how difficult it would be to suddenly find out your partner only found you attractive as a means to an end.

The possibilities! From the realization that Astarion never truly wanted them—to the staggering amount of insecurities that discovery could form—to the self loathing that could arise from both.

(I don’t want to write this. I tell myself. Like the liar I am.)

[oceansubconscious]

This is the most self-indulgent thing, but I wanted to delve into how Astarion hasn't seen himself in 200 years because he doesn't have a reflection.

The very last stanza is a play on how Astarion uses his looks to survive, and how a gardner removes only the ugly, withering flowers from his garden.