#at it. jenn if youre reading this i cannot fucking believe you got me to ride og wildcat honestly

[toytulini]

hit tag limit on the last post cos i started talking about roller coasters again 😔

[cbk1000]

Rant time, because I’m still livid about this, and Mr. Jenn is probably tired of hearing me shout about mouth-breathing edgelords who think they’re anti-authoritarian rebels when the only thing they’re rebelling against is common sense and basic human decency. I’ll put it under a cut because it’ll probably be long.

So today we go grocery shopping, and I decide I want a coffee drink because I need the caffeine and also because I’m far enough along in my healing process that I can use straws now, and normally I wouldn’t care about this, but now I want to experience the food and beverage world in all its variety. (You can’t drink from a straw for a while after having your wisdom teeth out because you don’t want to create pressure in your mouth that could dislodge the blood clots that form to protect the surgical sites.) I decide we’ll swing into a coffee shop that’s on our way instead of going to the Starbucks inside the grocery store we use.

We pull up, put on our masks, and head in. I notice a sign on the door that I just assume is a COVID notice about wearing masks and maintaining social distancing guidelines because all businesses have those nowadays. I do notice the phrase ‘constitutionally compliant’ and something about the governor, which pings my brain because it’s a bit odd, but I don’t think a whole lot about it and don’t actually read it (the sign is actually partially obscured by a Christmas wreath, and I’m starving and just want to get me drink and go home and eat; I ain’t got time to read when I’m hangry).

We walk in, and not a single person is wearing a mask. Not any of the employees, not any of the customers. We are the only ones. No one who comes in after us is wearing one either. It strikes me then that the notice on the door is actually some rant about how they’re not going to comply with mask mandates, probably because it’s ComMUnISm or whatever these fucking morons believe. I am LIVID. I manage not to blow up at anyone because at the end of the day, I really do not want to yell at minimum wage food service workers; obviously they did not set the rules (the owner for sure is a dick, though), and I don’t know if they’re doing this because they agree or because they’re worried about their jobs. Also, restaurants right now are supposed to be at 25% capacity, and only outdoor seating. Probably at least 50% of the tables inside were full. I should also note that they have a drive-thru and have been doing booming business this whole time (there are always lines around the block when I drive past), so this isn’t some owner desperate to save their livelihood; they were always able to remain open, they just were drive-thru only for a while. (And even if they were operating on the downlow because they’ve gotta’ pay their mortgage, that’s no excuse to be a fuckhead about masks. Every business has a dress code. Masks are a temporary, minor adjustment to that dress code. They are the bare minimum you can do in the pandemic. And you can’t even do that? Fine, jerkoffs.)

Some stats: our ICU is full. The hospital leaders right now are brainstorming on how to increase capacity for ourselves, and also so that we can try to accommodate patients from the west side of the state, because the entire fucking west side has almost no capacity in any of their ICUs. I am not a frontline healthcare worker, but the whole organization receives daily updates on COVID, and my boss goes to daily safety meetings on COVID so that we’re kept up-to-date on changes made to our policy; I am aware, better than most, of the situation and how critical a state our local healthcare system is in. And it’s a fucking joke to these motherfuckers. I was so angry I was shaking. As soon as I got outside, I unloaded on poor Mr. Jenn about what stupid assholes these people are. (Barely out the door, and not quietly; I’m sure the customers outside heard me.) I’m fucking tired of people thinking they’re edgy or rebellious because they can’t suffer the most minor inconvenience of having a piece of fabric over their face. I’m goddamn sick of the politicization of this virus. The local death rate is almost two percentage points higher than the state average, and people. Cannot. Do. The. Bare. Minimum. Wearing a mask is your goddamn hill to die on. Meanwhile your clown in the White House thinks he should be Dear Leader for the rest of his hopefully short life, playing out the EXACT SCENARIO you thirsty ass Rambo for Freedom wannabes always think you were put on this planet to Resist, and instead you’re protesting the act of wearing a piece of fabric over your face as you gag on your Kool-Aid and Trump’s tiny orange dick. Fuck you. Fuck all of you.

Anyway, I went home and immediately reported them to the Health Department. Fuck them.

[twoidiotwriters1]

Pure Blood 9 (Sirius Black x F!Oc)

A/n: Maybe the longest chapter I've written ... for now. 

Words: 3,298

Masterlist

Chapter 8  // Chapter 10

Chapter 9: Lies

"Jenna, please wait," I say, taking her arm. She stops and turns to me.

"What do you want?"

"Sorry, seriously, forgive me for being so abrupt with you the other day, it was not my intention,” She raises an eyebrow waiting for more. I sigh, "Sorry for being a bad friend.”

I pout and try with my best puppy eyes.

“You'll tell me what happened with Lupin?"

Oh, that.

"It's no big deal on its own…" I bite my lip. "He agreed with Evans to be the best in every class, a stupid plan to make me fail my classes. I found out and talked to Slughorn."

She looks at me in confusion and analyzes my pathetic excuse, but seems satisfied.

"Idiots, nobody can compete with the Slytherin princess,” I smile and she imitates me. That was close.

"That's me. We’re fine, then?"

"We are," She locks her arm with mine, "Let's go to Hogsmeade"

“Wait, you’re not going with someone else? It seemed like you had a plan-” I suddenly realize what’s going on, “You knew I was going to beg your forgiveness, right?"

She lets out a laugh.

"I know you very well P," I should have guessed.

We both walked to the carriages and arrived in Hogsmeade in no time. At this time, it was already starting to get cold, it wouldn’t be long before it began to snow. Hogwarts is beautiful when it’s covered in white.

I’m wearing my usual jeans, boots, light sweater and a small scarf, while full Jenn wore boots, gray socks, a pink skirt and a cream sweater. Her blond hair is in a cute ponytail, several boys sent flirtatious smiles and she ignores them all the same.

“D'you know what would be great?"

"Eat?" I answer when I feel my stomach roar. She laughs.

“Yeah, but just before you came to your knees to apologize,” I growl. “A senior boy invited me out. I said no because I didn't feel like it. I want to start studying, I have a herbology test soon.”

"And?" She sighs.

“It's something I had to tell you before but I was angry. The thing is, I don't see anything fun in dating guys anymore”

“Maybe you’ll find someone during our vacations”

"I wish- ah, yes!" She says, shaking me, "I talked to Regulus the other day, will you stop ignoring the poor puppy?"

“Don't call him that, and yes. We're fine, I'll talk to him later,” We arrive at the three broomsticks and sit at a table near a window. A waiter took our order and left.

Jenna updated me with all the gossip at school after being a couple of days apart. When did so many things happen? I have no idea. I’d never been aware of anything, Jenna and Regulus took care of that, even if I didn't ask for it.

"Evans rejected Potter again, but this time he made a whole scene, some say he took all that out of a muggle book, Juliet and-"

"Romeo and Juliet- Shakespeare,” I interrupt her and she seems surprised.

"How do you know that?" I feel my cheeks burn and I shrink in my place.

"I heard it once,” Vile lie, the other night Remus and I talked about the popular Muggles books. He told me the plot and read some lines.

"Anyway, the plan did not work and Evans rejected him, it was fun," In that we heard the bell of the entrance and a group of girls come laughing. They sit a couple of tables away from us. "Talking about the devil…”

Lily Evans was with her friends: Marlene Mckinnon, Alice Longbottom and Elsa Smith. They haven’t noticed our presence.

"Just ignore them," I say without thinking. Jenna looks at me confused.

"That's what I usually say, because you, my dear friend, are the first to get her claws out, especially with Evans." She says raising an eyebrow. I shrug.

"I'm not in the mood to fight,” The waiter brings our butterbeers and our food.

"Wait, I didn't ask for food-“ I raise my head to call the waiter, but Jenna doesn't let me.

"I asked, I know you haven’t eaten well and that should stop.” I grimace. "Now eat, it's just a chocolate croissant, you love chocolate!”

"You play dirty,” She laughs.

The conversation continues smoothly, but something’s changed, I could see Jenna looking at the table where Lily was. She watched, sighed and turned to me with an absent expression.

"You're good? Is the table over there more interesting than my super story about how I plan to be the best Auror ever? ” She is startled.

"Everything is fine, just-" She laughs nervously, "One of the girls has a beautiful blouse, I would like to know where she got it," she says… blushing?

Wait. What?

"You should ask them, they are not far" I say finishing my plate. She shares her head.

"I know you wouldn't be comfortable if I asked, besides, I don't want to bother.” I frown.

At what time has Jenna stopped doing things to avoid making me angry?

“Come on, I know you want to go there, don't worry about me. You're just going to ask them something”

“Sure?”

“You don't have to ask me for permission, Jenn. Just go.” She nods, happier than I thought. She gets up and goes to the table.

She interrupts the conversation, but something catches my attention: they receive her as another one of their group, make a place at the table.

I may be clueless, but I thought she was not welcome in that group either. I remember that Evans also treated her like me. This is odd, but I decide not to intervene and I only watch while I drink my beer, I surely look crazy, but I don't care.

They talk and laugh, Jenna seems in her element, when did they become such friends? I think I should pay more attention, will she ever tell me?

No, I dont think so. I finish my beer and the waiter arrives to collect everything, I pay him.

I think it's my time to go, I don't want to be watching all the time.

I get up and approach the table only to say goodbye to her, but on the way I realize something.

Marlene Mckinnon and Jenna share looks and complicit smiles, both are sitting facing each other and it seems they’re not really paying attention to Alice's story. 

I frown, but it all makes sense before my friend's actions. She takes Marlene's hand under the table and holds it affectionately, then they both laugh, Jenna places a strand of her hair behind her ear and at last, approaches Marlene to whisper something. She laughs.

This can’t be.

This cannot be.

That is the technique she uses to flirt! Actually, she has several, but with Marlene she has put them all together.

Jenna likes Marlene!

“Do you need something, Singh?" At that moment I notice that I’m right in front of your table, just watching and probably with my mouth open.

I shake my head.

"Sorry I just-" I don't know what to say, Jenna looks at me, maybe wondering if I saw her technique and of course I saw her. I share a look with her and bite my lip. "I... I was leaving and-"

I say, and they all just looked at me confused. Jenna gets up and takes me by the shoulders. I thought the surprises were ending, but no. A small glow catches my attention. I look at Marlene's hand and let out a gasp. Jenna quickly covers my mouth and surrounds me with her free arm.

"Well girls, we're leaving," She says as I try to talk about her hand causing only stifled noises. I move to get out of her grip, but it doesn't work.

Jenna drags me through the place until we get out of it, walks to a small alley and forces me to be against the wall without removing her hand from my mouth.

"Persephone!"

"You never call me that!" It's what I wanted to say, but only muffle noises keep coming.

"Stop moving!”

I can't with this. I pass my tongue over her hand and she screams.

”Persephone! That's gross!”

"Yes, good. You should wash your hands more often,” I complain and fix my clothes, “What the fuck was that?” She grimaces.

"What are you talking about?" I'm too tense for this.

"She has your bloody ring, Jenna!" I scream no matter who could happen to hear us, she doesn't try to shut me up, "Marlene Mckinnon! She has the ring that you never take off, the one you don't let me touch, the ring your mom gave you since you were little! Why the fuck does that mudblood-?”

No wait. That’s wrong. Jenna looks down for a moment and when it looks up my heart is shattered into a thousand pieces

"No, I mean-“ I clear my throat "Why does she have it... why?" Yes, better.

This is what I call progress. Her eyes tear up and she fidgets.

“Sorry, I didn't want to call her that. Sorry…” I say hugging her.

She cries a little on my shoulder and then returns the hug.

"What's going on, Jenna?" I say as we part, she waves a hand near her face.

"I didn't want you to know,"She sobs

"Wait, all that speech that you were fed up with all the boys here, was because you wanted to date girls?”

"Something like that,” We’re silent for a few seconds.

"I'm stupid."

"Persephone, I know what you think and maybe that's why I didn't tell you, but I think... I really like her, I don't care if we're girls or Muggles-“

"Stop there,” I say raising my hand "I am processing this.”

“P-"

"All this time, you haven't dated anyone since we came here, and I just told you that you would find another idiot out of Hogwarts?”

"Yes?" She replies.

"I'm stupid. How did I not realize before?" I hit my forehead, "Sure, because you could only be with a boy- ugh,” I growl. "There are also girls-“

I look at her.

"Of course you can be with one of them- well you're with one-“

"Wait, I don't understand. Are you upset that you didn't realize?" It seems like a joke, but yes. I sigh.

"Sorry for not being aware of all this, Jenna" I hold her hands, "I feel like I've been very selfish for many years…”

"Hey, honey," She takes my chin and laughs. "It's okay!”

"No, it isn't" I let go of her grip, "I just thought about my problems and I didn't realize many things -with Regulus or with you- I feel like crap.”

She laughs again.

"What are you laughing at, idiot? I'm having a moment,” Now she laughs louder.

"P, I can't believe it," She says, trying to calm herself down. "I was scared that you might get mad because I like a girl or because she is Muggles' daughter, but it bothers you that you didn’t know."

"I don’t see whah’s so funny,” I pout.

"Quiet, P. Everything’s fine,” She smiles shyly.

"Do you really like her?" I venture and she nods. Suddenly I scream, "My best friend is in love!”

She tries to cover my mouth again, but now I stop her, we both fight as we laugh.

"Don't say that strong word!” I let out a laugh.

"Strong word your ass,” At some point, my leg fail and I fall to the ground, Jenna just laughs.

“It's a pleasure to be your clown, seriously. I live for that,” I say sitting up. I rub my back.

"You're an idiot.”

"You too. An idiot in loooove,” I tease and she blushes “Oh, are you shy now?”

"No, it's just weird to hear you say it," She says, helping me to get up.

“It’s not bad to say it or be it. Besides, you are in love, why would you give her your ring if not? ”

I say brushing off the dirt from my clothes.

"Well, I had to give her something, after being together for so long,” I frown.

"How long have you been dating, Jenna?" She is surprised and realizes what she’d said. “Jenna?”

How is it that a few minutes ago we were laughing and now I'm afraid of what she could say?

"Two years…” she whispers, but I can hear her perfectly.

"What!?" She steps back.

"I can explain it-“

"I hear you…” I step back a little and cross my arms. She opens and closes her mouth several times. "You have been dating her for two years. And you didn't deign to tell me?"

"I didn't know how to tell you!” The tears are coming back.

“When were you going to do it? When we leave school? While living together or would you also hide it? While one of you were expecting a baby!?” I exploded.

“No- I…” I can't do this, I don't want to see her crying, but I can't just say ‘Oh, okay, it was only two years that you lied to me.’

“After the scene you did before coming here because I hid something from you and you had the biggest secret of all…” Now I’m tearing up. "You know? It hurts that you couldn't tell me, I thought we were friends.”

"We are, but... you don't understand” I let out a dry laugh.

“I don’t, you're right- For two years…”

I’ve had enough. I leave the alley and walk through the streets of Hogsmeade.

I may be exaggerating, maybe she really didn't know how to tell me, was she that afraid of me? She thought I was going to be angry about her blood status or her sexuality? How bad have I been? She was wrong not to tell me, but I was worse at creating that insecurity.

My vision is clouded by tears, I don’t see where I’m going until I collide with a man, I step back a little and clean my eyes.

"I'm so sorry, I didn’t know where I was going-“

"My intention was to come to you, sweetie." I look up to meet a tall man, he’s got dark hair and eyes. His face is covered with freckles and a kind smile.

"Alphard?" I say with a smile.

He opens his arms and smiles. I don't wait any longer and hug him as hard as I can.

“This is a good hug, not like Sirius's. That boy is shy for everything,” I laugh in his chest. We break apart.

"Why were you crying, my love?" He says touching my cheek.

"Oh, it's nothing" He stares at me.

"You know you can't lie to me,” I huff.

“I argued with my best friend…”

"Tell Uncle Alphard everything.”

________________________

"Did you talk to Sirius?" The man nods, eating his candy. After going to Honeydukes we sat on a bench near a small bush.

"Yes, he seemed very upset, he told me about the great news of marriage," I shudder, "How do you feel about it, honey?” I sigh.

"Being honest- I'm angry, I didn't think they were going to do it, but at the same time I'm not surprised they did it,” I take a bite of my chocolate frog.

He nods.

“I understand you both. I think the strange thing was that they prepared it so soon, for me they did it at the beginning of my seventh year.”

"But you were never married, Uncle Alphard-“ He laughs.

"Maybe, but that didn't stop them from trying to arrange a marriage for convenience," I look surprised.

"How did you get out of that?"

"Oh, you have the same look as Sirius, but I'm sorry, it's not like I got out of that responsibility, sweetie," I grimace.

"So?"

He sighs.

“I had a girlfriend when I was about to finish school, of course she was pure blood. Not that it was a requirement for me, since I was young I did not share the same beliefs as my family, but I suppose I was lucky to find Endora,” He smiles nostalgic, “she was sweet and affectionate, it was also pure luck that her parents had a Good job in the ministry. We were in love, and we planned to get married. I was willing to leave a lot of broken hearts.” He jokes and I hit his shoulder. We both laugh.

"What happened?" His smile is erased.

“She… she got sick. Shortly after she died- I was devastated, my parents felt sorry for me, they also loved Endora- so they didn't pressure me to get married”

I see the man sitting next to me, looking at the floor, maybe remembering those good moments.

I always thought of Alphard Black as the best uncle anyone could have. He’s funny, affectionate, always helped us with mischief or covered us when we planned something. He made fun of the other adults and didn't take things seriously, he was our best accomplice, the best partner.

"If Sirius dies, I may have a chance," I said half-joking.

“I don't believe it, sweetie. My sister can be hell, I don't think she is as compassionate as our parents,” He says.

We both laugh. He looks at me and puts a lock of my hair away.

“You look as beautiful as ever, I don't understand why Sirius and you aren’t together…” At that moment I feel a knot in my stomach and I groan, causing a laugh from him.

"Don't even joke about it”

“Oh, young people… so stupid. They don't realize anything-”

"Shut up, old man.”

"Do you remember when we stole Walburga's birthday cake?" He says excitedly, like a little boy. I nod laughing.

“You distracted the adults while we stole it. But Regulus was very small and clumsy, the cake fell down getting everyone's attention.”

“The best thing was that we ate it anyway!”

This was what I liked most about Alphard, he always makes the pain in my stomach go away.

"Uncle, I thought you were gone…” The four marauders come to our side.

I settle in my place, uncomfortable because of their presence. Remus gives me a smile and I return it for a brief second.

“Can't I enjoy a day in Hogsmeade with a beautiful young lady, nephew?”

"You can, just that you're missing the beautiful lady.” James and Sirius laugh like idiots and I roll my eyes.

“Don't be a jealous child, Sirius. Behave.” I look at the man. Sirius stops laughing and clears his throat. The only adult he listens to is his uncle.

“It's a pleasure to see you, Mr. Black,” adds Remus, always so polite.

"Yes, it’s cool. Sirius was very selfish in not telling us that you would come,” Potter teases, hitting his friend.

"I had to talk to him about important issues," Sirius mumbles, looking at me.

“I'm glad to see you guys too. But I think I must go…” I can't help pouting, watching his movements, “Come on, sweetie. I promise to have another meeting with you” I nod while Sirius lets out a snort.

Alphard gets up and gives me a hug.

“You know you can write to me whenever you want, Persephone.”

“Okay…” He kisses my forehead and moves away a little. He waves goodbye to the others and puts a hand on Sirius's shoulder.

“I hope our conversations has served you, guys. Although, I forgot to mention something…” He smiles, “You should ask for help from your friends, you’d be surprised of how many unions can be ruined by a good plan”

Everyone sees the man in utter confusion. Everyone, but one person, that understood clearly what he’d meant.

Taglist: 

@treestarrrrrrrr @siriuslysirius1107 @thagreenmoonblack @madmaiden2890 @bloodorangemoonlight​   @ren-ela​   @avipshamitra​  @auroraaawrites   @findzelda

[jenniferkiesser]

Finding Heart Rocks

Spring of 2018 I got a call from my new marine who was in the School of Infantry at Camp Pendleton, “Mom I need you.”  I got on a plane to San Diego.  Watching my son wrestle during his coming of age moments in the military were hard and incredible.  There is this tension of wanted to hold him like a baby, punch the drill instructors in the face, while also this incredible pride at his emergence.  I was able to go on base, and he was able to spend a precious weekend with me on the beach.  I couldn’t believe I was sitting here with him alone.  Behind us was a path though our own war zone.  His father left us then shortly after our divorce I was reading his autopsy report that said he “jumped/fell” off a building in San Francisico, in a whirl drugs and brokenness. It had left me and our two sons in a spinning state of trauma and consequences  for several years.  As I sat on the beach with my son I knew I had to let him go.  He was headed into a branch of special forces, and he informed me, he would be in harms way. 

On the beach in Ocean side I’m welling and trying to hide the tears in side me… “I can’t loose you too.”  We sat together and prayed and I looked down and saw this heart rock.  I told him, no matter where you go, where you are stationed, what you do, I have your heart son.  I will never leave you.  I love you, I’m so proud of you, and I will be praying for you continually.  

We walked back to the shuttle as I looked at the bus full of boys.  “Baby Devils”, as I nickname them, new marines, with high and tight haircuts ready to be sent to their MOS shortly.  

I stood on the sidewalk as the shuttle pulled away.  I couldn’t believe I held it together until it was around the corner but I did.

I started to walk, then run towards the beach as the tears and terror was raising up inside of me.  The shock of what my son had just told me, the hard life I still needed to face behind me, was too much.  The guttural sobs came out with cried of “No, NO, NO” as my feet met the edge of the water.  “NOOOOOOOO.”  I just yelled at God.  My thoughts were whirling, angry threats welling up in my heart.  “If you take my boy from me God, my heart will turn from you out of pure pain, I cannot take any more loss, any more suffering.”  Gulping on my tears as the waves of emotion washed over and over my heart.

I looked over to my left and there was this sweet little hispanic family having a beautiful picnic.  Grandmpa, kids, auntie , all beautifully dressed and playing.  I caught their eyes, my tear stained face, and hateful snot dripping down and landing on my heart rock still in my hand.  I will never forget them, they looked at me with such compassion.  Not one word was spoken, but they were holding my pain sacred. Them, and the ocean.  I continued to cry softly now and stare out at the waves coming in, as they washed over my steps.

I began to walk down the beach, breathe, and calm down.  I began to notice that there was another heart rock.  Each step there was another.  Yes I would be the girl paying for a checked bag of rocks at the airport.  As I began to step the heart rocks were there for me in this tangible way.  They had been beaten and weathered in the surf but they were so beautiful in that moment.  A moment of peace filled my soul.  I felt impressed God was telling me, “Bradley will be in harms way, but I will protect him.  He will have an injury, but it will not take his life. I will heal all of his injuries Jenn.  He will be retired with honor and be given a completely new life.  I will reconcile the pain in his heart and the devastation his father caused.  Can you give me you heart?”  

I answered, “No.  NO.  Fuck no. Hell no.  My heart was almost like this stone in my hand, and it was once so tender.  But I will look around for heart rocks.  God, I know you are real, the problem is I do not believe you love me.   We are talking about a decade of horrible events.” 

For the next three years I began to walk out my “Heart Rock Journey”.  Each time something new happened, a little spark began to ignite in my own heart.  I’d also find a heart rock!   Maybe there is hope. Maybe there is something good under these rocks.  Maybe if I leave no stone unturned, and it’s all I can do, I will come alive again.  

As I placed that first heart rock from Oceanside on my dresser deep within I heard a voice say, “Jenn, if you can face your broken heart, you can touch the world.”  

I wasn’t sure if that voice was me, or if it was God, but I wanted to find out.  I decided to make my focus about facing that broken heart of mine in the only way I knew how, creatively.

As I share my art, my life with you, come with me, lets find heart rocks together. 

[thequeenofcronuts]

Justify My Love - Chapter 6 - If We’re Honest, Chasing You

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5

Book: The Royal Romance Word Count: 3,380 -ish Pairing: Maxwell x MC (Kristina Hampshire), Hana, Drake, OCs Warnings - Language

Series Tags @littleblossom357 @alj4890 @cosigottahavefaith

A/N In this TRR Series (Where books 2 and 3 are thrown to the wind): Kristina (MC) decides she cannot stay in Cordonia after the events of the Coronation Ball. Not so much caring about her own reputation, but caring for the life of the man she has been falling for, which is not the prince. She returns to New York and is faced with her heartbreak and regret while Maxwell is left in Cordonia struggling to understand the truth behind his feelings. Will they let each other go?

**All characters and named places are owned by Pixelberry Studios. Rights to the songs lyrics and  titles in this series belong to:

Justify My Love (Madonna) - Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, Universal Music Publishing Group, Reach Music Publishing, BMG Rights Management

If We’re Honest (Francesca Battistelli) - Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

Chasing You (Jenn Johnson) - Bethel Music Publishing

——————————

Kristina’s POV

- If We’re Honest -

The three friends watch as Kristina completely falls apart in front of them. Finally, she is giving in to all of her emotions outside a random hotel room in Atlantic City. Lisa immediately kneels down to comfort the small, broken girl into deep, steady breaths worrying she will hyperventilate. “Kris, look at me. Keep your eyes on me.” She eventually talks her friend down enough to be breathing somewhat more evenly. Daniel helps her to her feet, supporting her weight. “Kris, I think it's time we talk.” She slowly nods in agreement while Stephen scoops her up in his arms and takes her into the room she and Lisa are sharing.

He gently sets her on one of the beds propping pillows behind her for support. Daniel grabs a box of the hotel’s tissues and sets them, and himself, to her left. Lisa cuddles up next to Kristina's right side, while Stephen sets himself at her feet. Kristina looks at her friend's eyes filled with concern and love. I can do this. I have to, it's time. It has to be now.

Lisa speaks, “Kris, we know the truth is harder than a lie. We so love you and are here for you, so trust us. Your truth is safe with us.” She reaches across her friend and places an arm around Kristina’s with her own tears trying to escape. She sees so much pain in Kristina's whole being and it's killing Lisa to watch. After Kristina takes a deep breath her first words croak from a broken and deep place inside her heart and soul.

She explains everything in detail from the night of the bachelor party to this minute with her finds. If I’m going to get help I can't hold anything back.

“So, the night and morning after the bachelor party…..”

“Flying to Cordonia looking for a fairytale…

“The Social Season in Cordonia is long and exasperating because…”

“Maxwell, who sponsored me as a suitor for his house…”

“At first Maxwell was like a brother, but his support was so genuine and he was always by my side. He made me laugh and so happy when he…”

“I was falling hard, and not for the prince like I should. I tried to tell Maxwell once that I was falling for someone else, but he reactions was…”

“I wasn't sure where to go next, the scandal with Tariq which wasn't even real. Tariq had…”

She filled in all the details as she recounted everything through the Coronation night. “And I was dragged from the palace and sent home. I was so in love, well I still am so in love with my sweet, crazy ball of energy, and being his little blossom is everything to me. But I lost my honor with the court, and gained a reputation that would only hurt him and his House. I couldn't stay knowing that I would hurt his future, and I would damage the reputation that I was asked to help save.”

“By the end of Social Season, I thought he may be feeling something too, but now I think I was so wrong. Like I explained, even though he is a goofy and foolhardy energy-filled sweetheart, he also is fiercely loyal. I felt even if some lost stars had actually aligned for us, he should be loyal to the responsibilities he had to his brother and his House. I couldn't ruin that by being selfish.”

“He chased after me to the airport, but the the men of the King’s Guard that were sent to make sure I got on that flight held him back. He couldn't run to me and while it hurt like hell hearing him yelling to me, I knew I needed to do what was right by him. I didn't know if he felt the same way about me, but I told myself I wasn't going to ruin his life, regardless.”

“So, here we are tonight and all this is why I’ve given up.” It's quiet for a long moment, almost too long. Kristina begins to panic thinking that maybe admitting all of her stupidity tonight has pushed her friends over an edge. Finally Stephen breaks the silence first. “Well holy shit Kris. First and foremost we love you and want to stand by you in all of your decisions, but I wonder if we should talk about them.” Lisa through her own tears holds Kristina as close as she can, “I never thought in a million years this kind of story was possible, to anyone really. But to you, well, whatever you need, I am here.” “Yeah,” a quiet Daniel is finally heard just above a whisper, “I obviously wasn't there, and can't understand it all, but Kris it sounds like you had amazing friends, best friends, taking care of my best friend. I would never be able to thank this Hana and Drake you told us about enough.” Daniel’s own tears dropping as he wish he could have been there for her, but was eternally grateful to the man and women he’ll never meet.

Stephen, the free spirit of the group is actually quite serious, “ Kris, I think you owe it to yourself and Maxwell to reconnect.” Kristina shakes her head vehemently. “No, there is no way I can without hurting him. I fucked up. I haven't read their texts or listened to any of their message, and none of them were from Maxwell anyway. He made his choice. And you all know I got a new number and phone to avoid what was going on in my life. No one has come looking for me. It's obvious that it's over.”

“Why? How? You can still contact them. You need to Kris. I can't watch you not living your life anymore. You're killing me.” Daniel looks down at his feet. “I’m so sorry Daniel, but I can't. I have to stay here so my problems can't ruin him. Plus I didn't move any of their numbers to my new phone. I can't find them.” 

“FUCKING BULLSHIT KRISTINA!” She recoils at Stephen’s outburst and the his sudden use of her full first name.” “I have no idea how long it took you to really believe your own lie, but that's exactly what it is. You’ve hidden behind guilt and fear for too long. You don't even know if you did or didn't break his heart. You don't even know what he would have said before you got on that plane. And yet here you are still making up his own fucking mind for him. Stop it, no matter what is or isn't felt you can't be so selfish in this!”

Lisa is even hurt by her husband’s harshness. “What's done is done at this point Stephen, yelling at her doesn't accomplish a damn thing. All we can do is help and support her with whatever decisions she makes from now into the future!” Stephen groans. “Daniel, you’re awfully quite for being one of Kristina’s best friends.” She winces at the sound of Stephen using her full name again.

Daniel sits still for a minute more. “I can't be a ‘tie breaker’ here. Both you and Lisa have utterly strong points that are all valid.” He shifts turning to look deep into Kristina's red and puffy eyes. “Kris, you know your my best friend, and really more like a sister. I’m asking you to think hard about this, talk openly and honestly with me about it from here on out. We really are the only family each other has. I believe in my heart this isn't the end of this chapter in your life. I’m going to help you continue to write the next pages.” Kristina firmly hugs him. “We will too, Kris” Lisa nods to Stephen and he nods back. “Kris, lets talk about how to get your man back.”

The morning sun has been up for a while shining light into the darkness that was night. Taking Kristina by the hand, Lisa’s voice echoes though the room, “Lets get you a shower so you can be comfortable and get some sleep. We all need to get some needed sleep since we head home today. Stephen, would please you call down to the front desk and ask for late checkout. Daniel, make sure you sleep enough since you're the only driver on the car rental agreement. And Kris, your life begins again, now. We'll get him back.”

——————————

Maxwell's POV

- Chasing You -

“Thanks Bastien we’ll be at the townhouse shortly.” Drake ends the call and looks to Hana. “Bas looked at all of Tariq’s accounts in the last hour and everything in Tariq's spending points to him still being here in the same neighborhood.” “Drake?” “Yeah Hana? “You ever think about how scary it actually is that Bastien can find out almost everything about anyone?” Laughing Hana waits for Drake's response regarding the man that, for all intents and purposes, has been his father figure for so many years. “Well as long has he stays on our side and doesn't use his powers for evil”, they both smirk, “we should be okay.”

Maxwell begins to stir from his food induced coma, “That meal was incredibly remarkable! I would want to relive and revel in it with another go, but alas there are none in New York City. So, I will document it in my ‘Saving and Bringing My Kristina Home’ scrapbook. Which reminds me.” He grabs his phone. “Group selfie time. Say chheeeeessssseeeee.” Click. “Drake you look like we are driving to you to your own private hell… a night long ball. Look at least slightly less grumpy. This will go in Kristina's scrapbook and you want her look back fondly at her best friends in their quest.” “Fine. The things I do for her and you people.” “Here we go.” Click. “Awe Hana you look amazing! Drake you look, well like a somewhat less version of Grumpy Drake.”

“Lady Hana,” the driver addresses her, “as you requested we are arriving to the rendezvous point where you all will meet with the guards Bastien has sent to retrieve and return the subject.” “Thank you Rick.” Maxwell rubs his hands together. “So what's the plan guys? Kick down the door and take him out with blazing fists of glory? Or, Drake can use his mad defensive skills while I use my dancing skills to have the element of surprise and kick him down to pin him? Ooohhhh, are we crashing in through any windows, because if we are I wouldn't have worn one of my favorite shirts. You know fine fabric is no match for broken and shards of glass.”

“Maxwell, dear. We definitely appreciate your bold and vivacious desire to, um, handle Tariq-“ “But you’re not going.” Maxwell's face falls as he hears Drake's order. Thinking for a moment his face lights up again. “Great I idea Drake, I can get shots of the take down for the scrapbook from afar while no one notices. A perfectly covert operation. You guys are the best planners.”

Maxwell sees the frustration on Drake's face, which is now on the brink of anger. “EEPP!!” Maxwell squeaks and hides behind Hana the best he can in the car. Drake notices Hana's face light up like it does when she has a fabulous idea coming. “Drake, if Maxwell stays away and he can get some good pictures that might just help our cause. If Tariq comes willingly and it shows in the pictures, that could be used in the media for support of his statement.” “Ohhhhh, tricky Hana. I think you would be the quintessential spy. Oh my god, wait. Are you a spy Hana?” Maxwell's eyes widen as the realization hits him. Hana can't help but mess with him a little. “You’ll never know.” She winks. “That's exactly what a spy would say. Drake, keep an eye on her.”

Hana and Drake exit the car to get instructions from the guards and explain their plan of having Maxwell take pictures. “Please, please for the love of everything have someone be by Maxwell's side the whole time.” “We understand Mr. Walker,” Drake raises a hand, “just Drake.” “Yes, well Lady Hana and Drake we realize this will be our one and only chance here. None of us want to have to chase him again. Now if everyone is on the same page, the suspect will be arriving home in twenty minutes from retrieving his dinner and news periodicals. For someone who wishes to hide, he is rather predictable while keeping to an exact schedule. We won't be far from you two, and we have cast a wide net around the area in case he does run.”

Drake nods as he now has been given the entire plan. Hana begins to work into her extra charming character. “Right now I am so thankful for all the lessons to hide my true emotions. Rage on the inside, charm on the outside.” Everyone is in place with Maxwell complaining that he won't get any good shots from this angle and distance just when the expected return of Tariq is right on schedule. Hana and Drake wait for the signal to make their way and knock on the front door of the townhouse. After what feels like a lifetime with a few more knocks the door slowly opens.

‘Click’ Maxwell takes his first photo of the scene. The three have a moment of conversation on the porch then Tariq steps aside to let Hana and Drake in. ‘Click’. “Is that good or bad. Leaving them alone to just walk in like that? How can we know Tariq hasn't been planning something diabolical for a situation like this?” He asks the guard tasked with keeping him a safe distance away. “Please Lord Beaumont, I need to be able to listen for any calls on the radio.”

Minutes feel like hours. Maxwell checks the time. Only seven minutes have passed, though. Eventually the door opens again, Maxwell gets ready for more photos, but Hana and Drake walk out, alone. His heart sinks. Well assuredly will never get her to come back home without her name being cleared. Just as he is going to place his head in hands the townhouse door opens. Tariq has an overnight bag and walks with Hana and Drake. Oh my god! Oh my god! Maxwell almost drops his phone in astonishment but his hands move on their own and ‘click’ he gets the picture of the three as they walk toward the guards. It's another step in finding Kristina.

***************************

Hana, Drake, and Maxwell make the trek back to their hotel. Traffic isn't as bad as on the way to Tariq's, but still it's driving in LA. Maxwell asks a million questions on the way about their talk with Tariq. Of course in his excitement to really believe what's happening he asks some questions two or three times. Finally Hana and Drake get him to talk about their dinner plans and he agrees with his stomach growling. Room services it is again, as they pile into Hana's room.

As they eat Drake gets confirmation from Bastien regarding Tariq’s cooperation and getting on the plan, as well as  the flight information for the three to head to New York in the morning. Liam also calls Drake with much appreciation and the promise of hearing everything about the day as soon as his schedule permits. While eating Maxwell knows the perfect song to add to his new playlist called ‘Bringing Kristina Home’. While immediately adding it, he sings to himself the first couple verses:

‘You hide, I want to find you Go, and I will follow you I want to be where you are As You move, I’m right beside you, love I’m running after you I want to be where You are’

‘I’m chasing You, I’m so in love Captivated, I just can’t get enough I’ll spend my days, running after Your heart Your heart, Your heart, whoa I’m chasing You, with all my love Captivated, I just can't get enough I’ll spend my days, running after Your heart Your heart, Your heart’

He feels a slight nudge. “Earth to Maxwell. Penny for your thoughts?” With the turn of his body towards Hana he can't contain the thrill of knowing he’ll be in New York tomorrow. He grabs her by the hand and moves her to the center of the room. She beams at him as they dance to only a rhythm he can hear with the song in his heart. “It's good to have to back, Maxwell.” She tells him as they sway.

‘Heart, You’ve won my heart and soul And where You lead I’ll go I want to be where You are From the moment I rise to the moment I sleep My affection is for you, and even as I dream I want to know you, I’m after Your heart’

‘I’m chasing You, I’m so in love Captivated, I just can’t get enough I’ll spend my days, running after Your heart Your heart, Your heart’

“While I can't believe I’m admitting this, out loud, but it's nice to see you being more you, Maxwell. But-“ “No, not tonight Drake. Can I hear the ‘but’ tomorrow?” Maxwell pleads. He stops dancing with Hana and looks out the window while Hana gives a nod to Drake for him to continue.

“Maxwell you need to know that while we are heading to New York tomorrow, Bastien hasn't been able to locate Kristina, and he knows more than we do.  She closed all her accounts, let the lease on her apartment run out, and her phone seems to be disabled. He checked the bar but she isn't on the payroll. He made contact with the bar numerous times but each time he got the same answer, they have no idea where she is, they thought she was still in out of the country. That's when Liam knew that we had to take over completely ourselves. Bastien is needed for so many things for Liam and Cordonia. She could be in New York, or somewhere else entirely.”

“Maxwell, while everything Drake said is true, I know in my heart Kristina didn't leave New York. While I don't have proof right now, I know her best friend Daniel there is her only family. In America she has no one else.” Maxwell looks back at his friends. “I believe you're right Hana.” A smile creeping onto his face. “Drake, do we know how long Liam will cover this trip?” Letting out a rough breath and rubbing the back of his neck, “Honestly we don't. He wants her found and home as much as we do, but eventually…”

Maxwell beams, lighting up the entire room. “Well then, that's that. I believe what Hana knows and feels about Kristina, and for right now the three of us have unlimited resources. So I know in my heart we’ll find her, faster than you can imagine. My dreams are always big, and my determination to find her will never cease. Even if eventually I am on my own.” He dance walks to the door and heads out to the hall, but stops and spins back to his friends. “Get a good nights sleep and put those detective hats on kids, because we’ve got my lady to find.” He makes two guns with the fingers of his hands, pulls the triggers, and pretends to holster them. There is a skip in his step while he reaches his room. I’m coming for you, Kristina. Just wait for me.

‘This life, this love, was always meant to be A wild, crazy adventure discovering The thrill, the rush, the more of You I see The more it leaves me wanting You’re everything You’re everything’

‘I’m chasing You, I’m so in love Captivated, I just can’t get enough I’ll spend my days, running after Your heart Your heart, Your heart

[jeontrack-blog]

a u    r e v o i r

Hello there, As you can probably read by the title, this is going to be me bidding you all farewell. This has been on my mind for the past few months and of course it hasn’t been an easy decision to make. My blog has only been around for a year and three months and I have not been much active throughout, and I still wanted to see just how far I could go, but alas! my journey ends here; for now. I do not consider myself a big or recognized blog, especially as a writer here on this platform, and probably no one would even bat an eyelash that I am finally withdrawing as a writer here on tumblr; but I do not just want to leave without explaining why, especially to my mutuals and the 1K+ beautiful people that follow me, have read my writings, appreciated them and gave me support. I owe them everything. So first of all, I would not be able to upload anything for the incoming months. If you haven’t read my faqs, I am a senior high school student that already attends a health sciences med university and takes a specialized health allied, “pre-med level” strand of studies. You can only imagine how much my studies takes up most of my life to the point where watching kpop videos while on a three hour ride to my university is the only “me time” I have. There is no possible way I can balance writing/posting fics whilst studying. I am sorry but this is something I have to sacrifice for the sake of my future. Like everybody out there, I do have my own life. I hope you all understand. Secondly, aside from my usual constant state of writer’s block, I have lost motivation to actually type down writings I really want to write. And it is horrible because there are some ideas/plots that I come up with and absolutely fall in love with and I want to right them but I just can’t? Writing for this blog isn’t as enjoyable as it used to be, it has become a burden and I am honestly pressured to match everyone’s expectations for the writings I put out. I would still be on tumblr using another blog of mine, and would continue reading beautiful writings our amazing fandom writers put out and also continue being a trash for our boys; so in a way I have not left the tumblr realm all together; just the “being a writer” part. But who knows, maybe one day I’ll return and you’d be able to find my works floating around tumblr again, under another name, under a new persona. This, most definitely, is not the end; I have a feeling that I’ll find my way back again. Whether I would let it be known that I am Bey, the writer of the blog jeontrack, still remains as a decision I would embark on if ever the time comes. Being a tumblr writer has honestly been such a ride. Being able to share my writings was something that made me happy, and to think that even just one person enjoying them already makes my heart soar but to have more than a thousand of you?! Just. wow. I wish I could’ve celebrated such a milestone with you all, and I absolutely regret not being able to do so. So much had happened in this blog that I absolutely treasure. I found friends and people I trust, I even got the chance to talk and befriend writers I’ve long looked up to and had actually inspired me to finally make a writing blog of my own; and some of them even became my mutuals?? Like is this for real? Wow  I’ve learned so much throughout my entire stay on here as a writer, lessons and values that I’ll always keep in mind.  I have thought hard on whether I should deactivate/delete my account a day or two after posting this or if I should just leave it abandoned. And I’ve decided to leave my works up for your reading  pleasure, and for everyone who have appreciated them and had supported me. It is kind of like the little mark that I would leave in this platform. But of course my works are all still protected by a license. My leave does not mean you can plagiarize, repost, or translate my work. Please respect that. I am discontinuing my series Playing With Flames and the (only) fic on my WIP list as I leave. Thank you for being patient with me and I owe you my out most apology for letting you down.   Thank you so so much, I can never express the happiness you gave me and how much I am grateful for all of you. I love you all so much with my whole heart. And now for the last time, This has been Bey, writer of the blog Jeontrack, now logging out.  Under the cut are messages for my mutuals and people I hold dear, that not only became my friends, but had also grown to become my family around here.

So I wasn’t courageous enough to message each and everyone of you personally and I think I’ll just cry if I did.  To everyone in Bangtan Writing Squad. Do you know how much all of you mean to me? Do you know how lonely I was in here? You’ve all made me so damn happy and holy shit I’m looking at our gc now and oh god I’m tearing up because I’ll miss you all so so much. I’ll miss waking up and seeing messages from you all, I’ll miss how welcoming this network and it’s members was, how you all felt like my home on here. I was actually considering deleting my account earlier this year but it was postponed when I met all of you because you made me want to do well, to believe in my works, and I cannot thank you all enough for that. I’m sorry that I’ll be saying goodbye like this, I should’ve done better, I hope you guys don’t hate me. Lolita, Mocha and Icarus, my lovelies, I hope you guys are doing well. It’s too bad that we haven’t been too active lately, I could’ve spent more time with you  ;; I’ll surely miss our shenanigans so much and ahhhhhh godbhksva Lucy and Mak, my babies!!! Mak you’re such a wonderful person, never loose that kindness and positive outlook in life, I adore you so so much. Stay strong my baby. And Lucy hngggg I don’t even know what to say my words are failing me; I’ll miss you so much! Morgan, you seem under a lot of stress lately because of your work and I care for you a lot and I’d still probably worry and fuss about you even after I leave so please stay hydrated and don’t skip your meals. Please take care of yourself! Becca, Dia, Ate Ella, Karlee, Lex, Nell, Raven, Sky, Alex, and Yubin, such lovely people, I’m really going to miss all of you so much. Jacy and Nyx (Lucy too), thank you for being the best admins anyone can ever have. You’ve been so strong for  all of us and for this network. I admire you all so much. Euph, my baby, you’re messaging me on kakao as I type this and I want to fucking cry. I’ll miss this a lot. I feel like this would surprise you the most because we were just on the phone on call for about 3 hours, I actually really wanted to tell you but in the end I couldn’t. Please forgive me. I’m going to miss you so much my baby. Don’t hate me. I love you all so much, I will still be here tho, on another blog of mine and would still watch you and your works grow. I’ll be here supporting all of you. You make me so damn proud. I love you all so much. Thank you. You all have my heart. And lasty,  Jenn! I’m not sure if you’ll see this ahaha I might just break the news to you on SC later or just send you a link because I’m still scared. This isn’t really a goodbye for us since we know each other outside tumblr. But I apologize for not telling you about this. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to continue PWF, I’ve wanted to dedicate the last part to you. I love you so much and I am absolutely grateful to have you. You were my first ever friend on here. You’ve given me unyielding support and believed in me the most. I treasure you so so much. Good bye my lovelies. I wish you nothing but the best, both for your crafts/works on here and on your personal lives. You will always remain wedged in between every crevice of my heart.  

[ozkamal]

"But the problem with me was that as soon as I started thinking about getting it together, I got this mad craving desire to fuck it up." Rebecca Godfrey“I am an over-thinker and an over-feeler. Over-lover. Over- needer. I would flood you. I would drown your respectable standoffishness. I don’t get over things, but I get under them well. I’d love you and you’d soak me through. You couldn’t handle me even if you wanted to.” Rebeka Anne, some people think I’m too much "I just want to pour my soul out onto someone and not have to worry about the mess I've made" "Sometimes I’m certain  those who are happy  know one thing more than us…  or one thing less."  - Anne Michaels “The Weight of Oranges” “I have this strange feeling that I’m not myself anymore. It’s hard to put into words, but I guess it’s like I was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling.” Haruki Murakami “Find something that you’re passionate about, devote your time and energy to it. But make sure what you’re passionate about is not a person, but a thing.”“I don’t really want to become normal, average, standard. I want merely to gain in strength, in the courage to live out my life more fully, enjoy more, experience more. I want to develop even more original and more unconventional traits.” Anaïs Nin“You have to accept that some people are not made for deep conversations, or for holding you together when you’re about to fall apart, or for keeping you from unzipping your skin, or for talking you out of suicide, or to love you through the worst moments of your life. Some people are made for shallow exchanges, and ridiculous banter, and nothing more. And that’s okay. That doesn’t make them horrible people because they simply aren’t able to handle a storm like you. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you won’t divulge all the gritty details of your horror show. It makes you smart. You have to accept that there will be people that cannot give you what you need. It doesn’t mean they are not worth keeping in your life. You just have to figure out who these ones are before you’re disappointed. And you have to keep them at arm’s length. You cannot expect everyone in your life to understand, to be nonjudgmental, to get it. But that’s okay, because not everyone was made to impart wisdom, or wax-poetic, or speak on politics and the depravity of society, or discuss how crucial it is that the stigma of mental illness be abolished. There are times when you have to get away from all that heaviness. You have to. And you will need superficial conversation about Kim Kardashian’s arse, or a debate on the colour of The Dress. You will need those ones. So don’t go round cutting people off and dropping your friends. You need people for all your seasons. You need people or you won’t survive this.” What my therapist told me this morning“Sometimes I wish I wasn’t as conscious as I am. It would be so much easier.” River Phoenix “I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.”  Sylvia Plath “I’m tired" “Sleep” “No you don’t understand” Do you understand?“What is necessary, after all, is only this: solitude, vast inner solitude. To walk inside yourself and meet no one for hours–that is what you must be able to attain.” Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet “Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll “Reading is not simply an intellectual pursuit but an emotional and spiritual one. It lights the candle in the hurricane lamp of self; that’s why it survives.” Anna Quindle“It would be that time - late at night - when your ears reach for any sound. When you can see more with your eyes closed than open.” Diary - Chuck Palahniuk“I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can’t see from the center.” Player Piano, Kurt Vonnegut “I think I’d like to say only that they should learn to be alone and try to spend as much time as possible by themselves. I think one of the faults of young people today is that they try to come together around events that are noisy, almost aggressive at times. This desire to be together in order to not feel alone is an unfortunate symptom, in my opinion. Every person needs to learn how to spend time with oneself. That doesn’t mean he should be lonely, but that he shouldn’t grow bored with himself because people who grow bored in their own company seem to me in danger, from a self-esteem point of view.” Andrei Tarkovsky “I’m one of those people who believe that words are some of the last forms of magic that exist” Lana Del Rey “She waited for the train to pass. Then she said, “I sometimes think that people’s hearts are like deep wells. Nobody knows what’s at the bottom. All you can do is imagine by what comes floating to the surface every once in a while.”” Haruki Murakami,  Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman “… we are capable of many things in all directions, of great virtues and great sins. And who in his mind has not probed the black water? Maybe we all have in us a secret pond where evil and ugly things germinate and grow strong. But this culture is fenced, and the swimming brood climbs up only to fall back. Might it not be that in the dark pools of some men the evil grows strong enough to wriggle over the fence and swim free? Would not such a man be our monster, and are we not related to him in our hidden water? It would be absurd if we did not understand both angels and devils, since we invented them.” East of Eden - John Steinbeck “I crave so much more than just a physical connection. I crave words and depth. I crave who you are and where you came from, your desires and fears. I yearn to know every inch of you beyond the surface.”“Admit it. You aren’t like them. You’re not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider, watching the “normal people” as they go about their automatic existences. For every time you say club passwords like “Have a nice day” and “Weather’s awful today, eh?”, you yearn inside to say forbidden things like “Tell me something that makes you cry” or “What do you think deja vu is for?”. Face it, you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator. But what if that girl in the elevator (and the…man who walks past [you]…at work) are thinking the same thing? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle. Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence. Trust your instincts. Do the unexpected. Find the others…” Timothy Leary  http://ift.tt/2l1RShO have very intense conversations with friends, people I really interconnect with. We talk about politics, important things. I like to talk about ideas and get people to be specific.” Jacqueline Bisset “Date someone who is interested in you. I don’t mean someone who thinks you’re cute or funny. I mean someone who wants to know every insignificant detail about you. Someone who wants to read every word you write. Someone who wants hear every note of your favourite song, and watch every scene of your favourite movie. Someone wants to find every scar upon your body, and learn where each one came from. Someone who wants to know your favourite brand of toothpaste, and which quotes resonate deep inside your bones when you hear them. There is a difference between attraction and interest. Find the person who wants to learn every aspect of who you are, and hold onto them.”I stopped explaining myself when I realized, People only understand from their level of perception“She’s never where she is. She’s only inside her head.” White Oleander by Janet Fitch“What I hate is ignorance, smallness of imagination, the eye that sees no farther than its own lashes. All things are possible. Who you are is limited only by who you think you are.” Egyptian Book of the Dead“I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body loved. And my soul understood.” Unknown you find a woman with a wild heart do not try to tame her. You must adore her recklessly, the way she is meant to be loved. Do not try to quiet her, for her roars will reach far and wide. She has something important to say. Help her say it. Do not get in her way. She stops for no one. Do not try to change the path she has chosen. Learn also to love the wind and let it change you.” C.B. Wild-Hearted Woman “I am not a puzzle to be solved. I am someone to be experienced- a soul to be tasted” jenn satsun“To be acutely conscious is a disease, a real, honest-to-goodness disease.” Fyodor Dostoevsky, Notes from Underground "Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul."“Sometimes words come out of me and I don’t know where they come from or why. They’re like falling stars tumbling through the universe; bright, burning things that can’t be stopped.” Glenda Millard, A Small Free Kiss in the Dark “That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you’re not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.”“My emotional life: dialectic between craving for privacy and need to submerge myself in a passionate relationship to another.” Susan Sontag, from Reborn: Journals & Notebooks “We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning.” Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood“I remained to much inside my head and ended up losing my mind.” Edgar Allen Poe “Protect yourself from your own thoughts.” Rumi I try to maintain a healthy dose of daydreaming to remain sane.” Florence Welch “I’m self-sufficient. I spend a lot of time on my own and I shut off quite easily. When I communicate, I communicate 900%, then I shut off, which scares people sometimes.” Björk "Desires, memories, fears, passions form labyrinths in which we lose and find and then lose ourselves again." Bernhard Schlink“I’ve always believed one could live many lives…even if just in our imagination. The world is open to us, and each day is an occasion to reinvent ourselves.” Ralph Lauren"I hunger for intensity. For love, affection, for tangible. For ineffable. For infinity. For discovery.  I hunger for knowledge. Life is filled with wanders and wonders. Die knowing something. Die loving something."“I fell in love with books. Some people find beauty in music, some in painting, some in landscape, but I find it in words. By beauty, I mean the feeling you have suddenly glimpsed another world, or looked into a portal that reveals a kind of magic or romance out of which the world has been constructed, a feeling there is something more than the mundane, and a reason for our plodding.” To Own a Dragon: Reflections on Growing Up Without a Father, Donald Miller “Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.” Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Jonathan Safran Foer“I am a jumble of passions, misgivings, and wants. It seems that I am always in a state of wishing and rarely in a state of contentment.” The Sweet Far Thing, Libba Bray “All profound distraction opens certain doors. You have to allow yourself to be distracted when you are unable to concentrate.” Julio Cortazar“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your soul. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.” Franz Kafka“Develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music— the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself.” Henry Miller Maybe that’s enlightenment enough: to know that there is no final resting place of the mind; no moment of smug clarity. Perhaps wisdom…is realizing how small I am, and unwise, and how far I have yet to go.” Anthony Bourdain “Night is purer than day; it is better for thinking and loving and dreaming. At night everything is more intense, more true. The echo of words that have been spoken during the day takes on a new and deeper meaning.” Elie Wiesel, Dawn “And like the sea, I’m constantly changing from calm to hell.” Dallas Green “Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity.” Christopher Morley“I feel so shut out, I’m always homesick. But when I get home. I find it’s something else I’m longing for.” Autumn Sonata “Without deep conversation, my mind becomes restless. I need passion and intellect, it’s a shame that a person often lacks one or the other.”“I didn’t say I liked it. I said it fascinated me. There is a great difference.” Oscar Wilde, adapted from The Picture of Dorian Gray “I want to talk to everybody as deeply as I can. I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night”“Loneliness is dangerous. It’s addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don’t wanna deal with people.” Hedonist Poet“I want to be loved and to be left alone.” David Swanger, “My Mother’s Nudes"“I know nothing in the world that has as much power as a word. Sometimes I write one, and I look at it, until it begins to shine.” Emily Dickinson“I am all in a sea of wonders. I doubt; I fear; I think strange things which I dare not confess to my own soul.” Bram Stoker, Dracula“I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me.” Virginia Woolf, The Waves“Not everyone can feel things as deeply as you. Most people, their feelings are … bland, tasteless. They’ll never understand what it’s like to read a poem and feel almost like they’re flying, or to see a bleeding fish and feel grief that shatters their heart…” Juliann Garey, Too Bright to Hear Too Loud to See “And never have I felt so deeply at one and, at the same time, so detached from myself, and so present in the world.” Albert Camus“My human capabilities aren’t sufficient enough to help translate what my soul wants to express.” JMC“Perhaps the world’s second worst crime is boredom. The first is being a bore.” Jean Baudrillard “We approach the void…but not to fall into it. We want to become intoxicated with dizziness and the image of the fall is sufficient.” Georges Bataille, Death and Sensuality“If you’re ever lucky enough to find a girl who is a hopeless romantic with a dirty mind, you should hold onto that. Because she’ll be yours at two in the morning and at two in the afternoon the following day. She’ll kiss you where it hurts and until it hurts. And that’s important. Someone who not only knows how to turn you on but also knows how to treat you right is someone worth a little something… and a little more than usual.”“I think if we didn’t contradict ourselves, it would be awfully boring. It would be tedious to be alive. Changing your mind is probably one of the most beautiful things people can do. And I’ve changed my mind about a lot of things over the years.” Paul Auster“I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know–unless it be to share our laughter. We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.” James Kavanaugh“Does she scare you a little? Good. She should make you fear her love, so that when she lets you be apart of it, you won’t take it lightly. She should remind you of the power that beauty brings, that storms reside in her veins, and that she still wants you in the middle of it all. Do not take this soul for granted, for she is fierce, and she can take you places that you never thought you could go; but she is still loving in the midst of it all, like the calm rain after a storm, she can bring life. Learn her, and cherish her, respect her, and love her; for she is so much more than a pretty face, she is a soul on fire.” T.B. LaBerge // Things I’m still learning at 25“Everything is strange. Things are huge and very small.” The Waves, Virginia Woolf"We are meant to discover our authentic nature-- the state of being in which we are inspired by ourselves, turned on, lit up, and excited about who we are."  Debbie Ford“Understand me. I’m not like an ordinary world. I have my madness, I live in another dimension and I do not have time for things that have no soul.” Charles Bukowski “All I ever really want to know is how other people are making it through life — where do they put their body, hour by hour, and how do they cope inside of it.” Miranda July, from It Chooses You “I want to meet people with fire in them, burning through life like a forest fire, too many people die out and survive on embers.” Adam Zucconi “A thinking woman sleeps with monsters.” Snapshots of a Daughter-in-Law, Adrienne Rich“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the sky.” Jack Kerouac “The hardest period in life is one’s twenties. It’s a shame because you’re your most gorgeous, and you’re physically in peak condition. But it’s actually when you’re most insecure and full of self-doubt. When you don’t know what’s going to happen, it’s frightening.” Helen Mirren “I love people. Everybody. I love them, I think, as a stamp collector loves his collection. Every story, every incident, every bit of conversation is raw material for me…I would like to be everyone, a cripple, a dying man, a whore, and then come back to write about my thoughts, my emotions, as that person.” Sylvia Plath“I just want to think deeply about things. Contemplate ideas in a pure, free sort of way. That’s all.” Haruki Murakami, Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage “Strangeness is a necessary ingredient in beauty.” Charles Baudelaire “You have to be interested. If you’re not interested, you can’t be interesting.” Iris Apfel “I always thought insanity would be a dark, bitter feeling, but it is drenching and delicious if you really roll around in it.” The Help, Kathryn Stockett “Everybody’s born with some different thing at the core of their existence. And that thing, whatever it is, becomes like a heat source that runs each person from the inside. I have one too, of course. Like everybody else. But sometimes it gets out of hand. It swells or shrinks inside me, and it shakes me up. What I’d really like to do is find a way to communicate that feeling to another person. But I can’t seem to do it. They just don’t get it. Of course, the problem could be that I’m not explaining it very well, but I think it’s because they’re not listening very well. They pretend to be listening, but they’re not, really. So I get worked up sometimes, and I do some crazy things.” Haruki Murakami,The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle“Words weren’t dull, words were things that could make your mind hum. If you read them and let yourself feel the magic, you could live without pain, with hope, no matter what happened to you.” Charles Bukowski (from Ham On Rye)“Certain kinds of knowledge rob people of their sleep.” Haruki Murakami, 1Q84“Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as a consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.” High Fidelity - Nick Hornby “For every devious scream in my head there is a divine whisper and it saves me every time.” VàZaki Nada“In man’s memories there are those things that he doesn’t reveal to all, but perhaps only to his friends. And then there are those he won’t reveal even to his friends, but perhaps only to himself, and even then in confidence. But then, finally, there are those that a man is afraid to reveal even to himself, and any decent man accumulates quite enough of those things.” Notes from the Underground - Fyodor Dostoevsky“I feel too much. That’s what’s going on. Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel the wrong ways? My insides don’t match up with my outsides. Do anyone’s inside and outsides match up? I don’t know. I’m only me. Maybe that’s what a person’s personality is: the difference between the inside and the outside. But it’s worse for me. I wonder if everyone thinks it’s worse for him. Probably. But it really is worse for me.” Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close“In spite of language, in spite of intelligence and intuition and sympathy, one can never really communicate anything to anybody. The essential substance of every thought and feeling remains incommunicable, locked up in the impenetrable strong-room of the individual soul and body. Our life is a sentence of perpetual solitary confinement.” Aldous Huxley“Mistakes are almost always of a sacred nature, understand them thoroughly.”“People who have monsters recognize each other. They know each other without even saying a word.” Benjamin Alire Sáenz“Intimacy is the capacity to be rather weird with someone - and finding that that’s ok with them.” Alain de Botton“Let’s clear one thing up: Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people. We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people.” Laurie Helgoe“Remember that the world began in a manic episode, too. God likes to hoard sharp  things, just like you. We are saving you. And we need to hear it one more time: Who knows best?” Lydia Havens, From the Voices, published in “Pouch” “Keep interested in others; keep interested in the wide and wonderful world. Then in a spiritual sense you will always be young.” Fredric March“fernweh [feyrn-vey]” (noun) This wonderful, untranslatable German word describes the feeling of homesickness for a far away land, a place you have never visited. Do not confuse this with the english word, wanderlust; Fernweh is much more profound, it is the feeling of an unsatisfied urge to escape and discover new places, almost a sort of sadness. You miss a place you have never experienced, as opposed to lusting over it or desiring it like wanderlust. You are seeking freedom and self-discovery, but not a particular home.“Getting lost was not a matter of geography so much as identity, a passionate desire, even an urgent need, to become no one and anyone, to shake off the shackles that remind you who you are, who others think you are.” Rebecca Solnit“Suddenly you’re ripped into being alive. And life is pain, and life is suffering, and life is horror, but my god you’re alive and its spectacular.”“I’m very interested in good and evil and the moral natures of people.” Antonia Fraser“I stay up just late enough until I am just exhausted enough that I can fall into my bed and sink into immediate slumber. Because I can’t stand lying in a bed in a dark room alone with just my thoughts for so many hours and hours.”“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too was a gift.” Mary Oliver“I crave space. It charges my batteries. It helps me breathe. Being around people can be so exhausting, because most of them love to take and barely know how to give. Except for a rare few.” Unknown“The ability to sit down with another person and talk for hours, about anything and everything, is more attractive to me than anything else.” Koi Fresco“The power to bring me out of solitude – or to push me back into it – had never belonged to another person. It was mine and only mine.” Martha Beck“We are travelers on a cosmic journey, stardust swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share. This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.” The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” bell hooks“My life is spent in one long effort to escape from the commonplace of existence.” Sherlock Holmes from The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle “Suffering and pain are always obligatory for a broad consciousness and a deep heart. Truly great men, I think, must feel great sorrow in this world.” Fyodor Dostoevsky (from Crime and Punishment)“Therefore, dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away… and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast…. be happy about your growth, in which of course you can’t take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don’t torment them with your doubts and don’t frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn’t be able to comprehend. Seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn’t necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when you see them, love life in a form that is not your own and be indulgent toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the aloneness that you trust…. and don’t expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.” Rainer Maria Rilke"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights“I felt a queasy mixture of relief and horror: when you finally stop an itch and realize it’s because you’ve ripped a hole in your skin” Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl“He wanted all to lie in an ecstasy of peace; I wanted all to sparkle and dance in a glorious jubilee. I said his heaven would be only half alive; and he said mine would be drunk: I said I should fall asleep in his; and he said he could not breathe in mine.” Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights“I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. You’re all locked up in that little world of yours, and when I try knocking on the door, you just sort of look up for a second and go right back inside.” Haruki Murakami “I cannot stand small talk, because I feel like there’s an elephant standing in the room shitting all over everything and nobody is saying anything. I’m just dying to say, ‘Hey, do you ever feel like jumping off a bridge?’ or ‘Do you feel an emptiness inside your chest at night that is going to swallow you?’ But you can’t say that at a…party.” Paul Gilmartin, The Mental Illness Happy Hour“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!” It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children. It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.” Oriah Mountain Dreamer“I’m half child half ancient.”I am fucking insane but my intentions are gold and my heart is pure“How strange it is. We have these deep terrible lingering fears about ourselves and the people we love. Yet we walk around, talk to people, eat and drink. We manage to function. The feelings are deep and real. Shouldn’t they paralyze us? How is it we can survive them, at least for a little while? We drive a car, we teach a class. How is it no one sees how deeply afraid we were, last night, this morning? Is it something we all hide from each other, by mutual consent? Or do we share the same secret without knowing it? Wear the same disguise?” Don DeLillo“Everyone has a 2 AM and a 2 PM personality.”“My problem is that I fall in love with words, rather than actions. I fall in love with ideas and thoughts, instead of reality. And it will be the death of me.” “My nights are for overthinking, my mornings are for oversleeping.”“Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood"George Orwell, 1984“‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless, it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.’” Louis C.K.“I’m not the same everyday. There are times where I’m loud and chatty, and there are times when I’m really quiet. I don’t think I can define myself.”“Personally, I’m a mess of conflicting impulses—I’m independent and greedy and I also want to belong and share and be a part of the whole.” Richard Siken, Spork Editor’s Pages: Black Telephone“There is no pleasure more complex than that of thought.” Jorge Luis Borges, The Immortal from Labyrinths, “Pick my brain. Ask me about my views on something. Dig deeper than the obvious. Let’s make each other think. Show me a different perspective.”“I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. If you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good.” Roal Dahl "I have the deepest affection for intellectual conversations. The ability to just sit and talk. About love, about life, about anything, about everything. To sit under the moon with all the time in the world, the full-speed train that is our lives slowing to a crawl. Bound by no obligations, barred by no human limitations. To speak without regret or fear of consequence. To talk for hours and about what's really important in life."“Human beings are made of water, we were not designed to hold ourselves together; rather run freely like oceans like rivers” Beau Taplin "You're under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago.""How is it possible to feel nostalgia for a world I never knew?"I am no longer afraid of becoming lost, because the journey back always reveals something new and that is ultimately good for the soul. “Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.” Janet Fitch, White Oleander“No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.” AristotleIt was a joy! Words weren't dull, words were things that could make your mind hum. If you read them and let yourself feel the magic, you could live without pain, with hope, no matter what happened to you.“I am hopelessly in love with a memory. An echo from another time, another place.” Michael Faudet My dear, Find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover. ~ Falsely yours“I don’t like small talk. Talk to me about life. Talk to me about your scars and the concealer you call your smile. Talk to me about the story behind your favorite song. Tell me about your dreams that sometimes seem too big for the Earth to contain. Tell me what wakes you up in the morning before your alarm clock does. Tell me about what makes shivers run down your spine. Tell me about what makes your eyes light up like the stars I can’t see in New York City. Tell me your story.”“Who has not asked himself at some time or other: am I a monster or is this what it means to be a person?” Clarice Lispector, A Hora Da Estrela “I appreciate the people who take time to look at the world a little deeper”Look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Be curious.” Stephen Hawking"I used to think I was the strangest person in the world. But then I thought, there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me, who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there, thinking of me too. Well, I hope, that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes it's true. I'm here and I'm just as strange as you.""There's nothing wrong with not understanding yourself"

https://www.reddit.com/r/quotes/comments/5v96c6/extensionalism/?utm_source=ifttt

[vincemarie]

Daryl, Bella and I went to dinner tonight at MaGerks in Horsham. It started with just Daryl and I, but Bella, while Daryl and I were halfway down Norristown Road heading to Horsham road, calls me to ask about my whereabouts. I told her that I had yelled up to her to let her know I was leaving. That I had thought she was sleeping.

“Can you and I go out to dinner? Grab a Sonic?”

“Of course baby. Would you mind going to dinner with Mr. Madden and I at MaGerks?”

“No, I don’t mind.” She says.

I make a U-turn. I look at Daryl and say “You don’t mind.” I already made the U-turn, so it’s basically my way of saying politely “You better make the right decision here buddy. Suck it up. I love you, but my baby comes first.”

  Daryl and I have some drinks. He orders some IPA. Asks the bartender to surprise him with an IPA. I order a Bulleit neat. We stand outside on the patio. I smoke a cigarette. We talked about life. Daryl teases Bella as usual. She’s her smart-ass way.

I get texted that our table was open. We walk back to the hostess area, and back to where we were near the patio door. “Crowded.” I say.

“What did you expect? It’s Friday night.” Our fucking Bella says to me. I’m thinking “How the hell do you know what a Friday night at a sports bar looks like?”

  I don’t order any food. Mama had stopped over earlier in the afternoon and dropped off some food. I had a bite then. I don’t eat typically after 4pm anyway. Except for our nightly snacks. That was a bad habit. But I loved that bad habit. It was our bad habit.

  Bella ordered the Mild Wings and Fried Mozzarella Sticks. “Shirley Temple?” I ask Bella.

“Nah, I’m fine with my water.” She answers.

I’m impressed. Healthy. Good decision baby. Way to make the right decision on your own. No one forces you to make a decision. We raised your brother and you so that you could make the right decision. We cannot be there for you every minute to make decisions for you. We can only raise you to hopefully you make the right decision. The rest is on you. You make your own path. You are both strong, smart, talented, leaders, and most importantly, compassionate. That means the world to me. Compassion. To stand up for what is right by others around you is compassion. Both of you are activists. You do not approve of the system and you voice it in your own way. Neither you nor myself pushed our babies to do or say anything. We allowed them to express themselves. We never taught them religion. We only taught them to believe in a God, a spirit, a higher power, call it whatever, why put labels on it? Treat people the way you want to be treated. Love others. Stand up for what is right. Be tolerant of other cultures, religions, ideologies, philosophies, and always listen. Talk less, listen more.

Neither you nor Bella could ever shut the fuck up. You both talked more and listened less. Must be a female thing. You love listening to yourselves talk. Ladies, we tune you out. I am telling you. We learn to tune the dial, the pitch, the levels all down to “0”. We can hear everything else around us clearly.

“You don’t fucking listen to me.” You always said to me.

“I do.” I would always reply. “Babe, I do listen to you.” Reinforcing to cover a lie. I seriously don’t remember a fucking thing you told me. I don’t even remember what happened yesterday. I’m at “Overload” capacity. More shit in my brain cannot get in. So you telling me about your PTO at Maple Glen Elementary and the fundraising events you used to put on with the rest of the board, I really didn’t listen. I just nodded. nodded. nodded a little more. But my mind was elsewhere. My mind was working.

  I dropped Daryl off to his house and drove back to our home. He was getting his cigars and heading over.

He and I had a great talk. He shared more of his stories. You loved his stories. You loved the way Daryl tells a story. No one could tell a story better than Daryl. He made you fucking laugh. Every time he made the open mouth “O” face you’d bust out laughing. Every story has an “O” face in it. His travels stories. His sick and twisted stories. Every one is better than the one before it. I remember once trying to tell a story that happened to Daryl and myself. It was a hysterical story that I can’t really share. I had to at one point stop myself and hand it over to Daryl to describe it to all. I was butchering it and I knew he’d do a better job at telling it. And of course, he killed it.

  Earlier while he and I were driving, he confessed to me how much he misses you. He misses your constant harassment of him. In texts, in-person, over the phone, car window to car window, any means possible to you to lay an insult. Insults, one after the other. He loved it when you insulted him. He looked forward to them. He almost used to set you up so that you’d insult him. You made him laugh like no other. You made all of us laugh. I miss the way you used to make me laugh.

  Yesterday was a lot of fun. I started it late in the day. I was lazy. I rented an AirBnB house in the city earlier in the week. Used to get us a room at the Monaco. This time, I wanted to change. I’m not ready to go to the Monaco. The Louix Award Show was last night. You loved attending the Louix’s. We were online looking for dresses for you a few days before I lost you.

  Check into the house  was at 3pm. I meet up with Jenn and David at the Studio first. I was picking Jennifer up first before we head to the house. We loaded your car with booze. Jenn and I headed over to the house. David was going to follow us there.

  I invited Carla’s nephew Frankie to come to the award show with me. The kid has the “It”. He’s going places. Reminds me of myself when I was his age. I’m going to take him under my wing and teach him the advertising business. He said he wanted to get into marketing. Brace yourself there Frankie, it’s going to be a wild ride. See you on Monday.

  He meets us at the house around 5pm. The Louix wasn’t starting until 6:30pm. We had time to drink, smoke, chill, dance, whatever. The house didn’t have any toilet paper. WTF? It has fucking Google Home, but no toilet fucking paper?

We had a blast laughing at silly shit. We were giddy. It was going to be a great night. All of us. Well, almost all of us. Rich and Charlie couldn’t make it. Rich is sick, still sick with a cold. Charlie was rehearsing for his role as the Beast in “Beauty and the Beast.” We’re all going to go see him perform. I asked him “How do you make a 5′ Jew into a 7′ Beast?” Laughingly. “Are your hooves also stilts?” I question him more. And in his Charlie way, he pauses to chew on a smart response to outdo my zinger. The best he came back with was that he keeps tripping on his shoes/hooves. Plus he’s wearing a long trailing cape that keeps obstructing his movement. I’m of course busting laughing at the image of him. I love him. He’s a fucking awesome guy. Honored to be working with such brilliance.

  We got there around 6:45. We were supposed to Uber over there, but Jenn was running late getting dressed. She said her husband Michael and her would just catch up with us there. So David, Frankie and I take your car and head over to Sugar House Casino where the Louix Award Show is taking place. I valet. Next car pulling over beside me is Ameet. Perfect timing. So now there are 4 of us out of 17. Gather the troops. Where are we meeting? Everyone is running late.

We finally get to the venue. You would have loved it. Oh my God would you have loved it. You would have been in your element. All sexed up, looking stunning as you always did, and in the middle of the casino. You’d be in your fucking heaven.

I say my “hi’s” to almost everyone I know. Hugs all around. Everyone was kind and supportive, no one over did it, just “Love”. They try to console me, but they also understand that tonight it’s about having fun. We’ll all chat about it at a later date over drinks. Hit me up and I’ll make it happen.

All 17 of us start to gather together except for fucking Sarah, she was running as usual, late. Her and Lubna just flat out suck with getting anywhere on time. Their body clock is super fucking slow.

The show starts, we were outside smoking on the balcony. Fucking brilliant venue. Convenient for us smokers. I go inside and sit at a seat at one of our two tables.

Ginger and the rest of the board had placed this Louix trophy on my seat. When I read it, I choked and teared up.

  Best of Show – Badass Bitch – Janine Fresta Marie – We Love You – Love Forever ADCP

  We won Louix’s for the piece you worked on as the Prop Master. You have never done it in your life. But I trusted you’d pull it off. And pulling it off you fucking did. You were amazing. Just flat out amazing. Not because you were my wife, no, you know better from me. If you “suck” I’ll tell you. No baby, you fucking rocked that shit. You fucked up here and there, but nothing that you couldn’t fix. And you fixed it as a professional would.

The piece won for Corporate Video something, Original Music, and I think some other category I can’t recall what it was at the minute.

I can see you here working on it.

[fvplayer src=”https://vimeo.com/257238649″%5D

  And here is the piece.

[fvplayer src=”https://vimeo.com/230911678″%5D

  We won for “Video Scripting” on this piece. Thank you Doug. You fucking Rock. This Louix is yours. Love you.

https://vimeo.com/252938755

  And we won “Corporate Communication” for this piece.

[fvplayer src=”vimeo.com/247836311″]

  We hanged for a little, some of us headed back to the house, while others stayed behind. I was one of the ones that headed back to the house. I was spent. I needed quite. I couldn’t handle the noise. I needed peace.

Jenn and I Uber’ed back to the house. I was too fucked up to drive and so was Jenn. David ended up driving your car back to the house. We met up with Jenn’s husband Michael at the house.

Sarah, David and not sure who else was going to come later.

  The house was okay, nothing really great about it. Fresh paint, minimal decor, all white. Modern with beautiful hardwood floors. 2nd floor has 3 nice-sized bedrooms. A bathroom centers the hallway connecting the bedrooms. I kept hearing the toilet water running. The 3rd floor is a master bedroom loft. That would be my room. I paid for the fucking house. I go first.

I wanted to take a quick power nap at 12:15am, but I choose to write to you instead. I needed to let you know. I couldn’t wait to tell you.

  Matt Paul texts me that he’s on his way over. That he needed the address to the After After Party house. I text him the address back. He’s 15 minutes out. Perfect. Take a quick nap.

  I climb the narrow steps down. I had my work boots on. I decided not to get all dressed up for the show. “Fuck it. I’m just going to be me.” I underdressed. You would have yelled at me had you and I went together and me looking like that. “You’re an asshole. I can’t believe you’re not even going to look nice. I can’t believe it.” A pause. “Could you please tell me what the fuck are you thinking? I don’t get it.” A breath. “Could you at least put some nice shoes on? I mean for fuck sake look how I’m going to look.” I’m just staring at you with a grin. Not a word. You already know. You accepted it. You accepted that I was going to do what I wanted to do, and no one was going to change my mind. But you tried. Your insults were your effort for me to change my mind.

I let you win some times. “Just make her happy, dumbass. Give this one up.” I’d tell myself and follow suit.

  A knock at the door. It’s Matt, he made it. I greet him in, we hug again. Love is in the air.

I pop open a beer for him. I get my Honey Whiskey.

  A knock at the door. I walk over and open the door. This you would have loved.

Let me set the scene up first.

  Earlier in the day, we were investigating the house as anyone does when they first walk into a vacation home, a room at the hotel, a foreign frontier. Jenn opened the basement door and screamed back to me: “Oh my God, there are rat traps down the steps. Holy shit, the size on those traps. Come look at these Vince.”

I walk over and climb the first couple of steps down. They’re all lining up down the steps. Size of a foot long and hand in width. Wrapped in some film of plastic. We assumed it’s the sticky plastic that rats could escape before the hammer comes down snapping their necks in half. What an awful way to die. Imagine another more intelligent specie setting up human traps that snaps your neck in half. But before you do, we’re going to fucking trap you with this sticky plastic to freak the shit out of you before we kill you.

Isn’t there a more humane way to remove them?

  Where was I? Right, the infamous “knock.”

  I know I could tell you all about it. But I thought, an exchange between the landlord and myself earlier today will do just enough to explain what took place. I had received a text from the landlord with checkout instructions:

  <– Me responding to his checkout instructions message –>

Thanks Frank. We’re all checked out. Tried our best to get it to its original shape when we walked in. I hate being a bitch about a few things that would better help your tenants have a better experience than we had: – Would be nice to have toilet paper stocked and available. Or at least an early heads up would have been appropriated.

– We had an interesting experience with a gentleman last night named Mike. He claimed to have seen one of our guests piss on a tree in the park across the street. He said he worked for the park and the Fine would be $300. I asked for his credentials and an ID, he handed me his drivers license. Ha. I politely asked him to write me the Fine and I would gladly pay it with the city. He threatened to call the police, at which point I advised him to do so and closed the front door. 5 minuets later he barges into the house demanding a resolution. I questioned him how he got into the house, he said he had a key and that he worked for you. Trying to resolve this issue, I ask him what can we do so he could leave us alone. “$20 and a beer.” He answers. “2 beers, no $20. You’re trying to hustle us?” I negotiate back. My producer hands him $20 and he left.

Not sure what type of operation this was, but totally unprofessional.

Have a great weekend.

Cheers, Vince

<– Frank –>

That’s totally not acceptable, this is my neighbor mike who has live there his whole life, while he does work for the parks department in no way is he someone who could write a fine. We have been letting mike take care of the trash weekly that is why he had a key. We will no longer be using his services, I wish you would have given me a call, I have no problem refunding the $20 plus for the toilet paper.

<– Me –>

Lmao. Save your $20 and the toilet paper. All good. We figured out what the odor was, we believe a rat was murdered down the basement last night. There must’ve been a rat massacre down there.

I think you may find one of our peeps stuck in the rat trap going down the basement steps. Just let him loose, he’s harmless.

Cheers, Vince

<– Frank –>

You guys are amazing, Please if you or anyone in your group find yourselves in Philadelphia again and need accommodations for the night, it’s completely on us we have more than just this place! We have about 15 other places all throughout South Philadelphia and Fishtown. So just let us know and we got you covered!!!

<-End->

  I had a cup of coffee late today. I’m wired. But I need to stop writing to you now. I have to go get some rest. Last night I had a rough night sleep.

  Good night my sweet.

  I love you,

  Me

                Day 20: Daryl, Bella and I went to dinner tonight at MaGerks in Horsham. It started with just Daryl and I, but Bella, while Daryl and I were halfway down Norristown Road heading to Horsham road, calls me to ask about my whereabouts.

[hellaspicaay-blog]

@ my crush(er) A.H

I’ve been hurting, crying, and drowing in my thoughts. I reminisced on the great times we had during summer school p.e. Everything was a learning experience. I learned so much from being around you and having you in my life. You made me want to better myself. I remember after realizing that I was digging you I knew I wanted to change my lifestyle. I wanted to eat healthier for you. I would try to enhance my features for you. I’d elevate my physique and all for you. Although you were so nice to me and would compliment me, I realized that behind your actions towards me was just a friendly motivated one. I read too deep into it. I interpreted everything so that’s it’d match how I felt about you. I projected my feelings onto you so that the whole thing would fall on hope to keep it going. I remember when I was with Taylor and Jenn at the quad talking about something during fall of 2015 and you came into the circle to talk to me. You told them that you needed to talk to me and I felt so special because you grabbed me by the arm and lead me out the circle just so that it’d be the both of us having a conversation. I remember that shy awkward smile you were giving me while asking me if I was gonna do cross country and I said yeah. I remember the excitement on your face. The tone of your body movements. You made me feel like a somebody. You made me feel capable. I’d always have you on my mind. Not sexually though. Your character and the way you just were was enough for me. Your beautiful mind and generous heart enchanted me. You believed in me. You hyped me up. You would always say hi to me whenever I’d pretend I didn’t see you during passing period. Was this always how you treated your guy friends? I felt honored to have you in my life. I remember taking a make-up test for Ms. D and I turned it into her. As i turned in my paper to her, you came in the door and greeted her. Then you told her how she should give me an A. After that you were complimenting me from my glasses, to my shirt, to my whole outfit and said how cool I looked. I was so awkward and was like “noooo” but with an awkward smile. I don’t know. Maybe I read too deep into your actions. Maybe I just have never met a guy that’d be so nice to me like you have to me. It was refreshing to see a guy interact with me so deeply like that. I will be honest, I joined cross country because I wanted to get fit and try something totally new but also because you told me to do it. You were the one that made me think “yeah I think I wanna do this” because I still wanted to be around that energy. I remember before the first cross country practice we passed by each other and I asked if you were going to practice and you were like “aww nahh man. Not today. But I’ll be going to the next one.“ I was kinda disappointed but I understood your decision. A few practices came and you still never showed up. I was filled with disappointment. Then finally you showed up to one practice and you acted like a stranger to me (or maybe you. Were just neevous around me and tried to conceal your feelings for me lmao 😭😭 I thought ahhaha). There I was hurt. It was weird cuz you’d treat me like I was a somebody sometimes then you’d treat me like you didn’t know me other times. As conflicted and frustrated I was trying to make sense of our whole relationship. Trying to understand you and my place in your life. I’d convince myself that it was no big deal. You were a straight guy just bein hella nice to me. Then track season came and I was excited to do hurdles. This time I did it for me (but kinda for you too cuz I didn’t wanna lose hope on a future with you in it 😭😭). But anyways on one bus ride to the practice you saw me sitting alone. But you just ignored me, no “hi” no “heyy man” nothing. I was questioning my worth to you. Then the next practice you were cheering me on on hurdles then we were talking about something and you started awkwardly laughing with that cute ass smile. Omg. Now you got me even more confused. But fast forward to senior year, I knew it was a new beginning. I was looking to forget bout you and build a new foundation within myself. I’ve “accepted” that you were not gonna be my bf. I’ve gotten through months not checking your Instagram on a daily basis. I thought I was healed. Then spring of 2017 came and it was college decision time. I got accepted into your school and some others. I was conflicted on whether i should choose sj or ucm. If I chose sj, I knew my feelings for you would rekindle and I’d look for hope again for the both of us. But while making my decision, it brought back all of those suppressed feelings. I tried to hide them again. I remember I unfollowed you prior to this dm on instagram. I dm’d you on how sj was and why you chose sj. Of course, you replied and gave me some good insight. Nothing more and nothing less. I was conflicted and frustrated again so I asked you some more questions yet I got the same tone in response. You had a girlfriend already at this point. Anyways, I had to think of my future too, so I chose ucm cuz I knew I’d be away from you. This was unhealthy for me to be so stuck on you and attached to your energy.

A couple months later, it was July 04, 2017. My brother’s girlfriend gave me the idea to throw a going away party. I was diggin the idea. Long story short. I was contemplating on inviting you or not but i ended up inviting you and you said “aww thank you so much man, I’ll definitely be there” or something along those lines. I was excited yet had doubts that you wouldn’t come. Fast-forward to my party day. After taking pictures with some people my bro opens the door and it’s you. YOU. My mind and heart could not process it. You, A.H. Came to my party (omfg 😭😭). So I give you that bro handshake and I tell you that they’re all in the backyard. I end up not walking you there cuz I’m nervous as fuck and I don’t wanna make it obvious that I got feelings for you. So I walked to the front door instead and went outside acting like it was for a purpose 😭. Then you started vibin and catching up with some old friends etc. omg. THEN Bodak yellow plays and I’m groovin to it and I see you groovin to it too. You start dancing towards me and reach for a bro shake. I come to you like a magnet and say “you know this song?l and you’re like “Bodak Yellow. Heck yeah man.” Then we start jammin to it. Then you start up a conversation with me. And my ears are all open and listening. BUT THEN my dad had to tap me on the shoulders and tell me to bring the box of pizza to the table for my other friends when they could just go inside and eat what they please. Anyways, I follow the order. And walk back out and you’re already talking to jamie L. So I give you your space and just go back to doin my thing.

After that party I cried so much about how blessed I was. I cried about 5-8 times on and off (even when I was brushing my teeth lmao). That was the highlight of my fuckin life deadass. So I start thinkin about all the ways you made me feel. Etc. i just had to let myself feel it all out. Make sense of it all. Try to accept what was and what is. I asked one of my favorite artists (and he responded. ILY Steve Lacy) about this and he gave me a some great insight on everything. I just had to connect all the dots and ask so many questions to the universe and myself. I’m a firm believer of “EVERYTHING IS EVERYTHING WHAT IS MEANT TO BE WILL BE.” I had to reconnect with my inner-self. And keep myself with myself. I did hurt. It was hard to sleep. It was hard to keep you off my mind. And it was hard to not feel. I had “not in that way” by Sam Smith on replay along with “Bad Religion” by Frank Ocean and other songs on replay because of all the overwhelming and frustrating feelings that I’ve been keeping suppressed. This is my only outlet (tumblr). I didn’t feel comfortable telling anyone even my cousins (even though they tried so hard to get it out of me and open up about my struggles. IM GAy. There I said it. But I hate telling people because they just disregard all the baggage and deep pain you went through living with all the internal conflicts. It’s so heavy on me. I guess I hate how no one will understand my pain which is why I refuse to open up about my sexuality. Along with it comes so many misconceptions and negative assumptions that I just cannot deal with. Anyways, back to you A.H. I realized that I do love you even if we only talk here and there. Even if you don’t feel the same. I’ve learned to accept that you won’t be my bf. And I guess I’ve been holding onto you for so long because I relied so heavily on hope that things would eventually work out for us. It’s been two years. Ever since the summer of 2015 to today August 08, 2017. I realized that the Universe has been sending me signals to move on and to let go. And to understand that what is for me will come into my life. God knows what he’s doing and maybe you just weren’t the right guy for me even though I really wanted you to be. So yeah, even as I type this I have doubts. I worry that what if I’m just not trying hard enough and that you’re just struggling to let your feelings out for me and all of that. But then, I reexamined your instagram and our convos. You have all you need. You have a girlfriend, you have a wonderful family, and you have so many people who love you. You are happy and that is all that matters. I love you and I’m working to fall out of love with you for myself. It’s time for me to heal. And it’s time for me to invest in myself more and the people who truly love and care for me. I’ve been so lost because of my selfish motives. It was such a blessing to cross paths with you it truly was. You made me who I am today. I definitely learned so much about “love” and friendships. I learned about myself and the universe. You will always have a place in my heart, but we just were never meant to have something more than what I thought we should have. Maybe I’ll see you next lifetime? Hmm, who knows. The Lord is beyond amazing and I need to trust him/her more and build with him/her more. I love you A.H. This is me releasing all of my suppressed thoughts about you so that I can be one step closer to healing myself. You will do so many amazing things in life especially since you’re such a great soul. I’ll be here on the side cheering you on. ILY. And I’ll miss you.

Sincerely, PJPT 💛💧✨💜✨💗✨

[longexposurelover]

"But the problem with me was that as soon as I started thinking about getting it together, I got this mad craving desire to fuck it up." Rebecca Godfrey“I am an over-thinker and an over-feeler. Over-lover. Over- needer. I would flood you. I would drown your respectable standoffishness. I don’t get over things, but I get under them well. I’d love you and you’d soak me through. You couldn’t handle me even if you wanted to.” Rebeka Anne, some people think I’m too much "I just want to pour my soul out onto someone and not have to worry about the mess I've made" "Sometimes I’m certain  those who are happy  know one thing more than us…  or one thing less."  - Anne Michaels “The Weight of Oranges” “I have this strange feeling that I’m not myself anymore. It’s hard to put into words, but I guess it’s like I was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling.” Haruki Murakami “Find something that you’re passionate about, devote your time and energy to it. But make sure what you’re passionate about is not a person, but a thing.”“I don’t really want to become normal, average, standard. I want merely to gain in strength, in the courage to live out my life more fully, enjoy more, experience more. I want to develop even more original and more unconventional traits.” Anaïs Nin“You have to accept that some people are not made for deep conversations, or for holding you together when you’re about to fall apart, or for keeping you from unzipping your skin, or for talking you out of suicide, or to love you through the worst moments of your life. Some people are made for shallow exchanges, and ridiculous banter, and nothing more. And that’s okay. That doesn’t make them horrible people because they simply aren’t able to handle a storm like you. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you won’t divulge all the gritty details of your horror show. It makes you smart. You have to accept that there will be people that cannot give you what you need. It doesn’t mean they are not worth keeping in your life. You just have to figure out who these ones are before you’re disappointed. And you have to keep them at arm’s length. You cannot expect everyone in your life to understand, to be nonjudgmental, to get it. But that’s okay, because not everyone was made to impart wisdom, or wax-poetic, or speak on politics and the depravity of society, or discuss how crucial it is that the stigma of mental illness be abolished. There are times when you have to get away from all that heaviness. You have to. And you will need superficial conversation about Kim Kardashian’s arse, or a debate on the colour of The Dress. You will need those ones. So don’t go round cutting people off and dropping your friends. You need people for all your seasons. You need people or you won’t survive this.” What my therapist told me this morning“Sometimes I wish I wasn’t as conscious as I am. It would be so much easier.” River Phoenix “I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.”  Sylvia Plath “I’m tired" “Sleep” “No you don’t understand” Do you understand?“What is necessary, after all, is only this: solitude, vast inner solitude. To walk inside yourself and meet no one for hours–that is what you must be able to attain.” Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet “Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll “Reading is not simply an intellectual pursuit but an emotional and spiritual one. It lights the candle in the hurricane lamp of self; that’s why it survives.” Anna Quindle“It would be that time - late at night - when your ears reach for any sound. When you can see more with your eyes closed than open.” Diary - Chuck Palahniuk“I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can’t see from the center.” Player Piano, Kurt Vonnegut “I think I’d like to say only that they should learn to be alone and try to spend as much time as possible by themselves. I think one of the faults of young people today is that they try to come together around events that are noisy, almost aggressive at times. This desire to be together in order to not feel alone is an unfortunate symptom, in my opinion. Every person needs to learn how to spend time with oneself. That doesn’t mean he should be lonely, but that he shouldn’t grow bored with himself because people who grow bored in their own company seem to me in danger, from a self-esteem point of view.” Andrei Tarkovsky “I’m one of those people who believe that words are some of the last forms of magic that exist” Lana Del Rey “She waited for the train to pass. Then she said, “I sometimes think that people’s hearts are like deep wells. Nobody knows what’s at the bottom. All you can do is imagine by what comes floating to the surface every once in a while.”” Haruki Murakami,  Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman “… we are capable of many things in all directions, of great virtues and great sins. And who in his mind has not probed the black water? Maybe we all have in us a secret pond where evil and ugly things germinate and grow strong. But this culture is fenced, and the swimming brood climbs up only to fall back. Might it not be that in the dark pools of some men the evil grows strong enough to wriggle over the fence and swim free? Would not such a man be our monster, and are we not related to him in our hidden water? It would be absurd if we did not understand both angels and devils, since we invented them.” East of Eden - John Steinbeck “I crave so much more than just a physical connection. I crave words and depth. I crave who you are and where you came from, your desires and fears. I yearn to know every inch of you beyond the surface.”“Admit it. You aren’t like them. You’re not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider, watching the “normal people” as they go about their automatic existences. For every time you say club passwords like “Have a nice day” and “Weather’s awful today, eh?”, you yearn inside to say forbidden things like “Tell me something that makes you cry” or “What do you think deja vu is for?”. Face it, you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator. But what if that girl in the elevator (and the…man who walks past [you]…at work) are thinking the same thing? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle. Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence. Trust your instincts. Do the unexpected. Find the others…” Timothy Leary  http://ift.tt/2l1RShO have very intense conversations with friends, people I really interconnect with. We talk about politics, important things. I like to talk about ideas and get people to be specific.” Jacqueline Bisset “Date someone who is interested in you. I don’t mean someone who thinks you’re cute or funny. I mean someone who wants to know every insignificant detail about you. Someone who wants to read every word you write. Someone who wants hear every note of your favourite song, and watch every scene of your favourite movie. Someone wants to find every scar upon your body, and learn where each one came from. Someone who wants to know your favourite brand of toothpaste, and which quotes resonate deep inside your bones when you hear them. There is a difference between attraction and interest. Find the person who wants to learn every aspect of who you are, and hold onto them.”I stopped explaining myself when I realized, People only understand from their level of perception“She’s never where she is. She’s only inside her head.” White Oleander by Janet Fitch“What I hate is ignorance, smallness of imagination, the eye that sees no farther than its own lashes. All things are possible. Who you are is limited only by who you think you are.” Egyptian Book of the Dead“I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body loved. And my soul understood.” Unknown you find a woman with a wild heart do not try to tame her. You must adore her recklessly, the way she is meant to be loved. Do not try to quiet her, for her roars will reach far and wide. She has something important to say. Help her say it. Do not get in her way. She stops for no one. Do not try to change the path she has chosen. Learn also to love the wind and let it change you.” C.B. Wild-Hearted Woman “I am not a puzzle to be solved. I am someone to be experienced- a soul to be tasted” jenn satsun“To be acutely conscious is a disease, a real, honest-to-goodness disease.” Fyodor Dostoevsky, Notes from Underground "Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul."“Sometimes words come out of me and I don’t know where they come from or why. They’re like falling stars tumbling through the universe; bright, burning things that can’t be stopped.” Glenda Millard, A Small Free Kiss in the Dark “That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you’re not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.”“My emotional life: dialectic between craving for privacy and need to submerge myself in a passionate relationship to another.” Susan Sontag, from Reborn: Journals & Notebooks “We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning.” Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood“I remained to much inside my head and ended up losing my mind.” Edgar Allen Poe “Protect yourself from your own thoughts.” Rumi I try to maintain a healthy dose of daydreaming to remain sane.” Florence Welch “I’m self-sufficient. I spend a lot of time on my own and I shut off quite easily. When I communicate, I communicate 900%, then I shut off, which scares people sometimes.” Björk "Desires, memories, fears, passions form labyrinths in which we lose and find and then lose ourselves again." Bernhard Schlink“I’ve always believed one could live many lives…even if just in our imagination. The world is open to us, and each day is an occasion to reinvent ourselves.” Ralph Lauren"I hunger for intensity. For love, affection, for tangible. For ineffable. For infinity. For discovery.  I hunger for knowledge. Life is filled with wanders and wonders. Die knowing something. Die loving something."“I fell in love with books. Some people find beauty in music, some in painting, some in landscape, but I find it in words. By beauty, I mean the feeling you have suddenly glimpsed another world, or looked into a portal that reveals a kind of magic or romance out of which the world has been constructed, a feeling there is something more than the mundane, and a reason for our plodding.” To Own a Dragon: Reflections on Growing Up Without a Father, Donald Miller “Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.” Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Jonathan Safran Foer“I am a jumble of passions, misgivings, and wants. It seems that I am always in a state of wishing and rarely in a state of contentment.” The Sweet Far Thing, Libba Bray “All profound distraction opens certain doors. You have to allow yourself to be distracted when you are unable to concentrate.” Julio Cortazar“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your soul. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.” Franz Kafka“Develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music— the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself.” Henry Miller Maybe that’s enlightenment enough: to know that there is no final resting place of the mind; no moment of smug clarity. Perhaps wisdom…is realizing how small I am, and unwise, and how far I have yet to go.” Anthony Bourdain “Night is purer than day; it is better for thinking and loving and dreaming. At night everything is more intense, more true. The echo of words that have been spoken during the day takes on a new and deeper meaning.” Elie Wiesel, Dawn “And like the sea, I’m constantly changing from calm to hell.” Dallas Green “Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity.” Christopher Morley“I feel so shut out, I’m always homesick. But when I get home. I find it’s something else I’m longing for.” Autumn Sonata “Without deep conversation, my mind becomes restless. I need passion and intellect, it’s a shame that a person often lacks one or the other.”“I didn’t say I liked it. I said it fascinated me. There is a great difference.” Oscar Wilde, adapted from The Picture of Dorian Gray “I want to talk to everybody as deeply as I can. I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night”“Loneliness is dangerous. It’s addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don’t wanna deal with people.” Hedonist Poet“I want to be loved and to be left alone.” David Swanger, “My Mother’s Nudes"“I know nothing in the world that has as much power as a word. Sometimes I write one, and I look at it, until it begins to shine.” Emily Dickinson“I am all in a sea of wonders. I doubt; I fear; I think strange things which I dare not confess to my own soul.” Bram Stoker, Dracula“I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me.” Virginia Woolf, The Waves“Not everyone can feel things as deeply as you. Most people, their feelings are … bland, tasteless. They’ll never understand what it’s like to read a poem and feel almost like they’re flying, or to see a bleeding fish and feel grief that shatters their heart…” Juliann Garey, Too Bright to Hear Too Loud to See “And never have I felt so deeply at one and, at the same time, so detached from myself, and so present in the world.” Albert Camus“My human capabilities aren’t sufficient enough to help translate what my soul wants to express.” JMC“Perhaps the world’s second worst crime is boredom. The first is being a bore.” Jean Baudrillard “We approach the void…but not to fall into it. We want to become intoxicated with dizziness and the image of the fall is sufficient.” Georges Bataille, Death and Sensuality“If you’re ever lucky enough to find a girl who is a hopeless romantic with a dirty mind, you should hold onto that. Because she’ll be yours at two in the morning and at two in the afternoon the following day. She’ll kiss you where it hurts and until it hurts. And that’s important. Someone who not only knows how to turn you on but also knows how to treat you right is someone worth a little something… and a little more than usual.”“I think if we didn’t contradict ourselves, it would be awfully boring. It would be tedious to be alive. Changing your mind is probably one of the most beautiful things people can do. And I’ve changed my mind about a lot of things over the years.” Paul Auster“I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know–unless it be to share our laughter. We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.” James Kavanaugh“Does she scare you a little? Good. She should make you fear her love, so that when she lets you be apart of it, you won’t take it lightly. She should remind you of the power that beauty brings, that storms reside in her veins, and that she still wants you in the middle of it all. Do not take this soul for granted, for she is fierce, and she can take you places that you never thought you could go; but she is still loving in the midst of it all, like the calm rain after a storm, she can bring life. Learn her, and cherish her, respect her, and love her; for she is so much more than a pretty face, she is a soul on fire.” T.B. LaBerge // Things I’m still learning at 25“Everything is strange. Things are huge and very small.” The Waves, Virginia Woolf"We are meant to discover our authentic nature-- the state of being in which we are inspired by ourselves, turned on, lit up, and excited about who we are."  Debbie Ford“Understand me. I’m not like an ordinary world. I have my madness, I live in another dimension and I do not have time for things that have no soul.” Charles Bukowski “All I ever really want to know is how other people are making it through life — where do they put their body, hour by hour, and how do they cope inside of it.” Miranda July, from It Chooses You “I want to meet people with fire in them, burning through life like a forest fire, too many people die out and survive on embers.” Adam Zucconi “A thinking woman sleeps with monsters.” Snapshots of a Daughter-in-Law, Adrienne Rich“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the sky.” Jack Kerouac “The hardest period in life is one’s twenties. It’s a shame because you’re your most gorgeous, and you’re physically in peak condition. But it’s actually when you’re most insecure and full of self-doubt. When you don’t know what’s going to happen, it’s frightening.” Helen Mirren “I love people. Everybody. I love them, I think, as a stamp collector loves his collection. Every story, every incident, every bit of conversation is raw material for me…I would like to be everyone, a cripple, a dying man, a whore, and then come back to write about my thoughts, my emotions, as that person.” Sylvia Plath“I just want to think deeply about things. Contemplate ideas in a pure, free sort of way. That’s all.” Haruki Murakami, Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage “Strangeness is a necessary ingredient in beauty.” Charles Baudelaire “You have to be interested. If you’re not interested, you can’t be interesting.” Iris Apfel “I always thought insanity would be a dark, bitter feeling, but it is drenching and delicious if you really roll around in it.” The Help, Kathryn Stockett “Everybody’s born with some different thing at the core of their existence. And that thing, whatever it is, becomes like a heat source that runs each person from the inside. I have one too, of course. Like everybody else. But sometimes it gets out of hand. It swells or shrinks inside me, and it shakes me up. What I’d really like to do is find a way to communicate that feeling to another person. But I can’t seem to do it. They just don’t get it. Of course, the problem could be that I’m not explaining it very well, but I think it’s because they’re not listening very well. They pretend to be listening, but they’re not, really. So I get worked up sometimes, and I do some crazy things.” Haruki Murakami,The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle“Words weren’t dull, words were things that could make your mind hum. If you read them and let yourself feel the magic, you could live without pain, with hope, no matter what happened to you.” Charles Bukowski (from Ham On Rye)“Certain kinds of knowledge rob people of their sleep.” Haruki Murakami, 1Q84“Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as a consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.” High Fidelity - Nick Hornby “For every devious scream in my head there is a divine whisper and it saves me every time.” VàZaki Nada“In man’s memories there are those things that he doesn’t reveal to all, but perhaps only to his friends. And then there are those he won’t reveal even to his friends, but perhaps only to himself, and even then in confidence. But then, finally, there are those that a man is afraid to reveal even to himself, and any decent man accumulates quite enough of those things.” Notes from the Underground - Fyodor Dostoevsky“I feel too much. That’s what’s going on. Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel the wrong ways? My insides don’t match up with my outsides. Do anyone’s inside and outsides match up? I don’t know. I’m only me. Maybe that’s what a person’s personality is: the difference between the inside and the outside. But it’s worse for me. I wonder if everyone thinks it’s worse for him. Probably. But it really is worse for me.” Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close“In spite of language, in spite of intelligence and intuition and sympathy, one can never really communicate anything to anybody. The essential substance of every thought and feeling remains incommunicable, locked up in the impenetrable strong-room of the individual soul and body. Our life is a sentence of perpetual solitary confinement.” Aldous Huxley“Mistakes are almost always of a sacred nature, understand them thoroughly.”“People who have monsters recognize each other. They know each other without even saying a word.” Benjamin Alire Sáenz“Intimacy is the capacity to be rather weird with someone - and finding that that’s ok with them.” Alain de Botton“Let’s clear one thing up: Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people. We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people.” Laurie Helgoe“Remember that the world began in a manic episode, too. God likes to hoard sharp  things, just like you. We are saving you. And we need to hear it one more time: Who knows best?” Lydia Havens, From the Voices, published in “Pouch” “Keep interested in others; keep interested in the wide and wonderful world. Then in a spiritual sense you will always be young.” Fredric March“fernweh [feyrn-vey]” (noun) This wonderful, untranslatable German word describes the feeling of homesickness for a far away land, a place you have never visited. Do not confuse this with the english word, wanderlust; Fernweh is much more profound, it is the feeling of an unsatisfied urge to escape and discover new places, almost a sort of sadness. You miss a place you have never experienced, as opposed to lusting over it or desiring it like wanderlust. You are seeking freedom and self-discovery, but not a particular home.“Getting lost was not a matter of geography so much as identity, a passionate desire, even an urgent need, to become no one and anyone, to shake off the shackles that remind you who you are, who others think you are.” Rebecca Solnit“Suddenly you’re ripped into being alive. And life is pain, and life is suffering, and life is horror, but my god you’re alive and its spectacular.”“I’m very interested in good and evil and the moral natures of people.” Antonia Fraser“I stay up just late enough until I am just exhausted enough that I can fall into my bed and sink into immediate slumber. Because I can’t stand lying in a bed in a dark room alone with just my thoughts for so many hours and hours.”“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too was a gift.” Mary Oliver“I crave space. It charges my batteries. It helps me breathe. Being around people can be so exhausting, because most of them love to take and barely know how to give. Except for a rare few.” Unknown“The ability to sit down with another person and talk for hours, about anything and everything, is more attractive to me than anything else.” Koi Fresco“The power to bring me out of solitude – or to push me back into it – had never belonged to another person. It was mine and only mine.” Martha Beck“We are travelers on a cosmic journey, stardust swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share. This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.” The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” bell hooks“My life is spent in one long effort to escape from the commonplace of existence.” Sherlock Holmes from The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle “Suffering and pain are always obligatory for a broad consciousness and a deep heart. Truly great men, I think, must feel great sorrow in this world.” Fyodor Dostoevsky (from Crime and Punishment)“Therefore, dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away… and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast…. be happy about your growth, in which of course you can’t take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don’t torment them with your doubts and don’t frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn’t be able to comprehend. Seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn’t necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when you see them, love life in a form that is not your own and be indulgent toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the aloneness that you trust…. and don’t expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.” Rainer Maria Rilke"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights“I felt a queasy mixture of relief and horror: when you finally stop an itch and realize it’s because you’ve ripped a hole in your skin” Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl“He wanted all to lie in an ecstasy of peace; I wanted all to sparkle and dance in a glorious jubilee. I said his heaven would be only half alive; and he said mine would be drunk: I said I should fall asleep in his; and he said he could not breathe in mine.” Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights“I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. You’re all locked up in that little world of yours, and when I try knocking on the door, you just sort of look up for a second and go right back inside.” Haruki Murakami “I cannot stand small talk, because I feel like there’s an elephant standing in the room shitting all over everything and nobody is saying anything. I’m just dying to say, ‘Hey, do you ever feel like jumping off a bridge?’ or ‘Do you feel an emptiness inside your chest at night that is going to swallow you?’ But you can’t say that at a…party.” Paul Gilmartin, The Mental Illness Happy Hour“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!” It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children. It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.” Oriah Mountain Dreamer“I’m half child half ancient.”I am fucking insane but my intentions are gold and my heart is pure“How strange it is. We have these deep terrible lingering fears about ourselves and the people we love. Yet we walk around, talk to people, eat and drink. We manage to function. The feelings are deep and real. Shouldn’t they paralyze us? How is it we can survive them, at least for a little while? We drive a car, we teach a class. How is it no one sees how deeply afraid we were, last night, this morning? Is it something we all hide from each other, by mutual consent? Or do we share the same secret without knowing it? Wear the same disguise?” Don DeLillo“Everyone has a 2 AM and a 2 PM personality.”“My problem is that I fall in love with words, rather than actions. I fall in love with ideas and thoughts, instead of reality. And it will be the death of me.” “My nights are for overthinking, my mornings are for oversleeping.”“Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood"George Orwell, 1984“‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless, it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.’” Louis C.K.“I’m not the same everyday. There are times where I’m loud and chatty, and there are times when I’m really quiet. I don’t think I can define myself.”“Personally, I’m a mess of conflicting impulses—I’m independent and greedy and I also want to belong and share and be a part of the whole.” Richard Siken, Spork Editor’s Pages: Black Telephone“There is no pleasure more complex than that of thought.” Jorge Luis Borges, The Immortal from Labyrinths, “Pick my brain. Ask me about my views on something. Dig deeper than the obvious. Let’s make each other think. Show me a different perspective.”“I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. If you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good.” Roal Dahl "I have the deepest affection for intellectual conversations. The ability to just sit and talk. About love, about life, about anything, about everything. To sit under the moon with all the time in the world, the full-speed train that is our lives slowing to a crawl. Bound by no obligations, barred by no human limitations. To speak without regret or fear of consequence. To talk for hours and about what's really important in life."“Human beings are made of water, we were not designed to hold ourselves together; rather run freely like oceans like rivers” Beau Taplin "You're under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago.""How is it possible to feel nostalgia for a world I never knew?"I am no longer afraid of becoming lost, because the journey back always reveals something new and that is ultimately good for the soul. “Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.” Janet Fitch, White Oleander“No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.” AristotleIt was a joy! Words weren't dull, words were things that could make your mind hum. If you read them and let yourself feel the magic, you could live without pain, with hope, no matter what happened to you.“I am hopelessly in love with a memory. An echo from another time, another place.” Michael Faudet My dear, Find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover. ~ Falsely yours“I don’t like small talk. Talk to me about life. Talk to me about your scars and the concealer you call your smile. Talk to me about the story behind your favorite song. Tell me about your dreams that sometimes seem too big for the Earth to contain. Tell me what wakes you up in the morning before your alarm clock does. Tell me about what makes shivers run down your spine. Tell me about what makes your eyes light up like the stars I can’t see in New York City. Tell me your story.”“Who has not asked himself at some time or other: am I a monster or is this what it means to be a person?” Clarice Lispector, A Hora Da Estrela “I appreciate the people who take time to look at the world a little deeper”Look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Be curious.” Stephen Hawking"I used to think I was the strangest person in the world. But then I thought, there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me, who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there, thinking of me too. Well, I hope, that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes it's true. I'm here and I'm just as strange as you.""There's nothing wrong with not understanding yourself"

https://soundcloud.com/distant-grand

[survivor-all-stars-blog]

Cosmos Tribal Council #6

Welcome back to tribal! After last round’s exciting vote, let’s see if tonight causes just as much chaos.

Kait - Is there a specific power player in this game or is it being controlled by a group? Also, why do you have so many crazy photos ready to go at all times???

I don't get cute, I get drop dead gorgeous.

MJ - On the application, we asked everyone if they would take a friend to FTC even if it meant they would lose. Has your opinion on that topic changed as this game has progressed? Also, do you like pickles?

I still firmly stand by my answer to that question in the application. If you're putting friendship over the game, you deserve to lose. A good friend will be your friend after the game, regardless of the decisions you make. We're at final 8, everyone should be playing for themselves and playing to win, and if that's not the case, then let me know so I can prioritizing voting you out.

I love fried pickles.

Steffen - What's more important - keeping people you can beat or keeping people that will take you to the end? Additionally, how did your exams go?

I feel the answer is a mixture of both, cause what if the people will keep me cause they know they can beat me, its like a catch 22, you don’t know what the right move is in the end until you’re either out of the game or the ftc votes have been read.

Also I got a similar question about my exams from my pastor when he asked about my exams and this is how is went.

Wes - What is your strategy at this point in the game and how will it help you get to the end? Do you think the jury will want to vote for you because your name is short and easier to write on the parchment?

I don't really have the luxury of playing specifically for jury votes when talking to anyone left on the cast is literally the same thing as strategizing here in tribe chat, so stick that loaded question in the trash where it belongs. I know exactly how people in the game view me.

Lydia - Last round you played an idol but it looks like you didn't have to. Are you regretting your decision now? Just like you regret that night we spent out the light house.... why haven't you called me back?

Obviously I regret it. And look in a mirror. That's why.

Jenn - There were a lot of shocked people after the last vote. How did you ensure no one came back to camp feeling left out or hurt? Also pineapple on pizza - yes or no (if you say no you may or may not be "voted out" by the hosts)?

What I've said and will continue to say about Pat's blindside is that he was playing a game worthy of winning and that was scary. I'm hopeful people understand that from a game perspective. I didn't want to sit in jury watching Pat at the end regretting that something could've been done but wasn't. ALSO AND MORE IMPORTANTLY! Pineapple should never go on pizza. That's sacrilegious.

Jack - Last night week it felt like a major, power-shifting move was made. Did Pat's vote out shake the game up or is everything back to the old status quo? Also what are your top 5 K-Pop artists??

I think last vote was kind of like a bottle of soda. Last round the bottle was shaken up, opened, it exploded and now I think it's just kind of settling. Who knows maybe it will be shaken up again I don't really know. It's all a big question mark for me at this point in time.

As for my top 5 KPOP Artists (I'll put my favorite song by them too):

1. Girls' Generation Noah fence but you can literally not name a more iconic group than this one. Fight me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b09U0KLv6I4

2. Mamamoo These four are literally incredible and they are amazing and they are all beautiful and talented. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2OFPvYxZuY

3. Oh My Girl! One of their members is suffering from anorexia right now so they really haven't been in the limelight for quite some time, but they really produced some bops back in late 2015-early 2016. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isUudT58Xfk

4. Red Velvet All 5 of them are really cute and fun and SM keeps letting them produce bop after bop after bop. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QslJYDX3o8s

5. f( x ) SM Entertainment really hates them cause they haven't had a comeback in a year and a half but their last album is probably one of my favorite kpop albums ever. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4j7Umwfx60Q

Jimmy - How much of a factor is jury management when deciding who to vote out next? And is jury management a bigger factor than alcohol???

It's 40 factor, that's how much! That's a decent amount of factors but I'm not voting folks out to keep the jury stoked, I'm doing to be able to kick about here longerAs for the alcohol, yes it's more influential! Doing this shit is tough when I keep accidently finding myself plastered

Some interesting answers for sure (mainly Jenn’s, I can’t believe she hates all that is good and pineapple). Well no sense lollygagging around, time to vote!

Lydia stands.

“I'm playing an idol for Wes. I see the irony, I know. But fuck it.”

Kait stands.

“i'm playing my idol for mj“.

Both of these are in fact hidden immunity idols. All votes for MJ and Wes will not count.

In addition to Lydia’s idol being a hidden immunity idol, it is a special Whirpool idol. After this tribal council, all advantages in the game will randomly be swapped around! However only those with advantages will receive anything - that means if you have no advantages, you cannot get anything from this idol. You will be PMed to be notified of the switch if you had an item :~)

First vote: Wes. Hi, nice too meet you, and you are? Does not count.

Second vote: Wes. the big man of the Wild Wild West. Does not count.

Third vote: Wes. Does not count.

Fourth vote: MJ. I have almost no faith in this working. Good game tho. Does not count.

Fifth vote: Wes. i hope your cat is doing well today. Does not count.

Sixth vote: MJ. Why did you try to throw me out Does not count.

Seventh vote: MJ. I told you to watch Twin Peaks but you never did. Unforgivable. Does not count.

Eighteenth person voted out of Tumblr Survivor: All Stars and the sixth member of our jury:

Eighth vote: Steffen. Just for insurance? but if this backfires? NUT!

Steffen the tribe has spoken. It’s time for you to go.

Another day, another slay, another interesting idol play. Everyone certainly is living up to their title of being an all star - I can’t wait to see how the rest of this game plays out now that you all are truly playing to win.

[doloresourladyofpain-blog]

Let’s get the maudlin out of the way.

Part One of How I Got To Be This Way

I grew up in a very religious, insular community. I was kept socially sequestered from the secular world, religious schools and summer camps and after school programs. I was in all-girls schools until I was 15. I was luckier than some girls I knew though, because I was allowed some books, music, and internet access. I never believed in God, maybe a result in an early onset of depression and anxiety (somewhere around nine or ten years old) that hasn’t relented. Since I knew I wasn’t going to be able to follow the strict path religion had set out for me, I’ve been pretty agnostic about my personal morals ever since. I cannot be good and do right, it isn’t in me. And if this is so, then there seems, still, to be nothing quite stopping me from doing exactly as I please. My teenage years were marked with elaborate suicidal fantasies. I never planned to reach adulthood or if I did, I assumed I would have to become a different person to do it. I was trying to keep myself on ice, in stasis, so the daily miseries of adolescence in a world I didn’t belong wouldn’t reach me. During the daylight, I listened to bad music and ignored boys altogether. By night, I read dark novels and fanfiction where the heroes all get seduced and thoroughly fucked by the villains. I touched myself every night, with distinct visions in my head of sexual torture. I wanted to be taken away by some dark, older man who would force me into objectification. He would subject my body and mind to unimaginable horror. I would enjoy it, sublimate myself in it, eventually lose myself entirely. My earliest sexual fantasies involved being killed and eaten. 

Then there was the cutting. Like many teenagers of my generation, I struggled with this habit for a few years. There are a thousand reasons why we would get into this, but for me it was the way the pain made me stop thinking. Thinking is half a torture for me, always. I have no discipline and too many thoughts. My mind runs in a thousand different directions and loses reason quickly. I could keep it in some order for school, but anything else was a struggle, until I started cutting. Since I was interested only in this pain and was terrified of discovery, I would use a safety pin, making about one shallow, ragged cut per session by dragging it over once spot, over and over, carving a little rut into my skin. The pain would slowly build, starting as a little sting, washing over me in increasing waves of white and red, building to a dark, velvety pulse. Afterwards, I would get into bed, masturbate, and fall asleep. Though it’s nearly entirely faded, in the right light, I can still read the white scar of words “I’m so sorry,” where I cut them on to my upper thigh.

The first time I was properly flogged, the man who did it would keep this exact pattern. The slow build up, the steady rhythm across my skin, over and over. The darkness washing over me until all I was and all I had was the pain. The slap of leather was a kindness greater than any I had previously known.

But that was a few years in the future yet. First, I had to leave the community in which I grew up and get to college, far away from my family and living on campus. That was when I met Jennifer.

I think of Jenn and it is still just like Plath said, “I think I made you up inside my head.” It was dreamlike, to find her, someone so perfect, so perfectly like myself it was almost a horror. As if I was looking into a mirror, as if I could open my mouth, and she would speak instead. We looked nearly identical, with dark eyes and golden brown hair down past our hips. We came from the same religious group, wished desperately to please parents who couldn’t be pleased. We each dressed a little ridiculously, trying to be goths, princesses, warriors, fairies, whores, and ordinary teenagers all at once. We were both 17 and twisted as sin itself. 

As soon as we met, we could not be separated. Day and night we shared our favorite books, music, films, our strangest thoughts and darkest desires and found them reflected in each other, down to the cutting scars. The difference, I suppose, was that Jenn was wilder than I was and more vulnerable. More prone to making bad decisions, but they were the bad decisions I had always wished I could make. I was committed immediately to join her in this, to come along for the ride. To talk to the strangers that she met on the internet, to wear skirts that flashed our pussies when we sat down in psych lectures (both of us hated to wear underwear), to play imagination games like we were children again, where she was the serial killer and I was the victim. (”Aw, kitten,” I can still hear her giggle, “Do you like my knife?”)

Jenn, had in the two weeks since we started college, met Ian. Ian was terrible, just fucking terrible. He had bad skin and wouldn’t wear enough deodorant and considered himself a black hat hacker in a group he met on 4chan. But he was tall, with cheek bones like knives and eyes like ice, and a cock that still makes me weep to think of it. Jenn was fucking Ian, and she had to share that with me too. This was my first kiss. We established immediately how this would work: we would all date each other, girlfriend and girlfriend and boyfriend. Jenn and I would be Ian’s subs, his slaves. This was all perfectly natural, exactly as it ought to be. Our friends were all weirdos, impossibly nerdy and strange, so none of them really questioned it.

(Well, alright, the boys would question it, breathlessly, eyes wide. And I would go into details, just to watch the sweat bead on their face, their pupils dilate. to hear them stutter through their next question. This kind of power, unlike most others, tastes sweet to me, rich and warm and sweet. Why do you think I’m writing this blog?)

This began the best months of my life. Under Jenn and Ian’s tutelage, I grew into myself rapidly. My grades were near perfect, I made friends easily. I went out on the weekends, I joined student groups and took on new responsibilities. It was the sessions in Ian’s dorm room, I believe, that facilitated all this.

I had trouble losing my virginity. My hymen was very difficult o . Ian and I would try weekly, to immense amounts of blood and pain and little success. He would pass me to Jenn, watch her soothe me, pet my hair and kiss my forehead and then dip her fingers into my bloody pussy. She was fearless and bold, rubbing and pushing, and getting me wet all over, staining me red from my thighs to my stomach. We would turn back to Ian, to his hard, heavy cock. We were small and he was large and he could accommodate both us kneeling between his spread legs. We would lose ourselves in this animal exploration of his cock with our mouths. Like kittens, licking and sucking, running up and down from the slit to the balls. Our tongues would meet at the head to swirl together, dripping drool everywhere. I learned the savage triumph of feeling the blood surge up inside a cock under my lips. 

I belonged there, right there. I was exactly where I was meant to be. Jenn guiding me into worshipping Ian. Her hand gentle at my side, his hand hard at my throat. He had me kneel on the floor and watch him fuck her, bend her over and pound her from behind while she purred and keened.

Jenn and I, we pushed this to its limits. We brought new toys into play nearly daily, now candle wax, now ropes, now ice. Our favorite was knives. She had one of those rainbow finish titanium knives that you can buy for cheap at a Renaissance Faire pre-dulled. An amateur’s knife. We loved it. She used it on me just like I used to use the safety pin. She’d saw the edge back and forth on my thighs until the tip of the knife would catch on something and then she’d push it deeper, widen the cut, bring up the blood. She carved Ian’s name on my back.

Once when I lay my head in her lap, she read to me the following passage from one of my favorite books, Sheridan Le Fanu’s Carmilla:

“Dearest, your little heart is wounded; think me not cruel because I obey the irresistible law of my strength and weakness; if your dear heart is wounded, my wild heart bleeds with yours. In the rapture of my enormous humiliation I live in your warm life, and you shall die--die, sweetly die--into mine. I cannot help it; as I draw near to you, you, in your turn, will draw near to others, and learn the rapture of that cruelty, which yet is love; so, for a while, seek to know no more of me and mine, but trust me with all your loving spirit.”

I felt all my insides turn to liquid, melt like her wicked candle wax. I looked up at her and she smiled at me, so kind and young, so ancient and cruel. I thought I had passed into another world with her, a dark home that had been waiting for us all our lives. A door had been unlocked when we first kissed to this new, better place.

She held me on her lap while we read about gruesome sexual murder cases. We shopped for panties and candy. We took positions together on the boards of campus associations, studied and aced our classes together. God, I have never been with someone that way, before or since. We were one soul in two bodies and once we were reunited there was nothing we couldn’t do. She was my first and I regret always how I squandered her. How was I to know how rare it was to find someone like that? We had fallen into each other. I was innocent and I was stupid. I didn’t know that people spend their whole live searching for what we had.

Ian and I spent time by ourselves, certainly, under a very different dynamic, nearly combative. Never had two people been so ill suited in personality and so wildly attracted to each other. Once, he tied me to his bed to stop me from going to a student group meeting. I used the rough edges of my front teeth to saw the through the binding, while he watched, wondering if I would be able to do it. When I did, he pinned me all over again and tied me tighter. I wanted to give myself over entirely to his rule. He took me into his control without asking, like I was his by right. He gave me instructions and commands so casually. I was his before I knew what had happened.

He finally fucked me properly nearly three months after we began trying. It was finals, I had been up all night, and in the early dawn, he pushed himself into me, fully and entirely. While I am not of those romantics who believe that there’s necessarily significance to one’s first time, this was something special. Not for who it was with, but because of who I am. I’m a cock whore and this was the first time I’d taken a cock in me. He didn’t use condoms and I learned what it was like to be owned from the inside out. Ian was too big for me and I cried from the pain, but I’d never been wetter in my life. I’m sure the noises I made were loud enough to wake half his building. I writhed and kicked and shuddered. I screamed, called him Master, swore I’d do anything for him, called for God, begged for more. It was beginning of an obsession. For all the darkness I had in me, this is where it really began. Because it turns out that I’m a slut, really and truly. I love to get fucked by a good hard cock - I want it nearly all the time, whether I’m consciously thinking about it or not.

Ian awakened this in me, saw it immediately for what it was. I was lost, from there on in. He, the nasty boy, knew it and used this shamelessly to his advantage. He could subjugate me without words, without even trying. If I knew he’d fuck me, I’d let him do anything else to get there. It was then that he introduced me to his own obsession: the steel boned corset. I bought one for myself because I have deep love for Victorian novels and period romances. And of course, because he asked me to. The first night he laced me into it, he immediately fucked me. He told me he wanted me in it every time he saw me. I went one further - started wearing it for 6 hours daily, to train my waist. I couldn’t eat with it on and I began to develop acid reflux, but every time he saw me in it he’s bend me over his bed and fill me with that huge cock from behind. While he pounded into me, he’d spank my ass over and over, pull at my hair, make me beg him for it, then reach around and finger my clit until I came screaming. This before saying hello to me. By the time I had reduced my waist to close the corset entirely, he had instilled a Pavlovian response. To this day, when I lace into a corset, my pussy throbs with need. When I’m laced into one, I'm immediately halfway to subspace, regardless of what’s happening around me.

Subspace: that infinite, floating space in my mind, better than any high. It is the emptiness that waits to be filled with infinite patience. It lends me the resilience to endure anything asked of me. I am stone and water in that place, ocean and mountain. There is so much power there I feel as like a God when I remember that I contain that. It’s mystical to me, that another can awaken in me the exact qualities I need to be theirs. I daydream about the quiet of it.

Ian liked Emily and I to be as sluttish as possible. It says everything about his level of sophistication. Here he has to elegant young ladies as his own and when they ask him how they should dress to please him, he insists that we go as truck stop hookers. I know that this has its own function, the humiliation of wearing something like that. I can’t say I don’t still get off thinking of the shame of the things he had me wear. But he wasn’t thinking that far ahead. To him, this was the height of attractive clothing for women: a tank that showed half my tits, a corset, a miniskirt, no underwear, a pair of heels. He had the two of us walking in broad daylight like that, constantly. He had no class, but I was a good girl, and I was a perfect whore for him. And when the two of us were out in our Ian’s Whores outfits, with our long hair, sweet smiles, and our asses and tits nearly out of our clothes, the reactions we received were priceless. Our reputations on campus were legendary - let alone what happened when he took us to parties. He liked to give us quotas - when had to dance with a certain number of men, make out with another number of them, all while wearing his matching collars.

This was perfect to me: bent to another’s will, embodying his fantasy, I was more free and powerful, more myself, than I ever dreamed I could be. And while all this fell apart under our the pressures of our various neuroses (as it inevitably would), it has set the tone for me since.