#atsushi nakajima. headcanons / i’ve got one hundred hours to rearrange the stars

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tag drop pt. 2: misc anime

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you know, the more i offhandedly think about it today, i’ve realized that... atsushi probably doesn’t even know his real birthday for sure, it’s likely that what it’s SAID to be is just the day that he was found at the orphanage ( which was probably only ever used to remind him of how long he’s been there/classify the kids by age ). although, it’s probably not TOO far off given that he was discarded when he was infant-

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HEADCANON — ATSUSHI & SHIBUSAWA

Although the interactions between Tatsuhiko Shibusawa and Atsushi prior to the flashback shown aren’t expanded upon in canon, there are added details to their relationship that are important to my portrayal. While this is the background I will DEFAULT to as far as their dynamics are concerned, Shibusawa writers are not required to adhere to this, and I’m always willing to change things for specific interactions! 

When Shibusawa first arrived at the orphanage to seek him out, Atsushi did NOT trust him— after all, trust wasn’t exactly something that was easy to come by in his situation, especially given constant hostility from the headmaster, other staff, and the orphans. Survival tactics practically ingrained into his every move, Atsushi would have just kept his distance, kept his head down hoping he wouldn’t make the wrong decision in the presence of a guest and get himself locked up for another three nights. Except, that wasn’t exactly possible when the guest was there for him. He sure tried, at least, initial conversations full of short responses, skittish movements, and deep-seated fear of aggression.

After all, when he had never been given any sort of positive attention or care, of course Atsushi expected the worst. And yet, that never happened. For the first time, he learned what it was like for someone to talk to him without ( to his knowledge ) any harmful motives. To be asked questions about himself and what he likes, to simply be spoken to as a human instead of worthless scum. Even when he was found with blood stuck to his clothes and bruises littered across his skin, Atsushi found himself bewildered by the first time ever having his wounds taken care of. Of course, it was all a means of growing closer to Atsushi to extract his ability, but to a little kid shown benevolence in a relentlessly cruel environment, he found himself latching onto what he thought was genuine kindness after the walls broke down. 

It got to a point where Shibusawa was given his full trust, becoming the one person Atsushi felt truly safe around. As a result, Atsushi was eager to see him, willing to fulfill requests even if they seemed strange ( what he would later learn to be attempts at summoning his ability ). And when asked to accompany Shibusawa elsewhere, to be a key factor in helping his research, Atsushi practically jumped at the offer. Maybe, just maybe, if he did well enough, he would escape from this hell for good…

Flash forward to Atsushi strapped to a chair, the sinking realization— oh, this is what it all was for— hitting too late as excruciating volts of electricity course through his body and anguished screams rub his throat raw. Survival instincts kick in once the torture gets to be too much, and Atsushi comes to huddled over Shibusawa’s body in a pool of blood. All of it ends up repressed, of course, but upon reliving the memory, Atsushi remembers just how much that betrayal of his trust and hope stung too.

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based on the stained glass seen in the background of flashback scenes, it’s likely that atsushi’s orphanage was either a previously religious building that was converted into an orphanage or one that still upholds religious beliefs, although for the sake of my portrayal the kids there were in fact educated in religion. the IMPORTANT thing, though, is that atsushi was not only excluded from this to further his isolation from the other kids, but the headmaster/staff used it as another detail to push the idea that he’s worthless/some sort of hated monster because “no god will have faith in or accept him because of who he is”

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even when he isn’t in his partial/full tiger form, atsushi tends to exhibit a whole assortment of catlike tendencies, including: 

WILL want to sit in boxes. there’s an empty box lying around? atsushi is now curled up in it

he casually climbs up stuff a lot, even if it’s not really necessary for what he’s doing

he’ll stare at something for way too long and then just... suddenly knock it over, he’s sorry he can’t help it-

absolutely reacts to laser pointers, please take advantage of this

atsushi absolutely purrs sometimes, it’s a completely unconscious action that just... happens unexpectedly, essentially when receiving affection, that’s the key 

( when he’s in partial/full tiger form, those noises are more like chuffing/much more frequent )

in a similar vein, he also hisses, once again out of his control, it just happens

communicates with felines easier! not talking, obviously, but he seems to have a knack for understanding what their actions mean

naps in warm sunlight good... ( not at first, because he keeps the sleep schedule he had at the orphanage as habit, but can occur as time passes and he loosens up more )

... will definitely absentmindedly play with stuff like yarn or anything similar to little toys hE CAN’T CONTROL IT OKAY

HE’LL DO THE HEAD BUMP THING... this is less common/a little more subtle but if he trusts/values someone and they’re physically close in some sort of way at the moment.. soft head bump against them? yes.. 

i’m not saying he’s gonna react to catnip but what i’m saying is who’s gonna get him high off catnip-

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let me assign you a love language

a knife called grief

You have left your house, you have left those people behind, but what are you going to do about the memories which have taken root in you? You can run but not without them. You want someone to sit with you on this cool marble floor while the sun burns everything. You want them to cut your rotten heart and theirs too. You want to sit with it in front of you, let them see you with all your flaws, which haven’t been your fault but you have been made to believe so, and you want them to love you anyways. Because you know you’d do that for them.

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@dairata​ asked: 081. Repression and 137. Unhealthy for Atsushi <3 // headcanon exploration

081. Repression

   Due to his heavily traumatic childhood, Atsushi has repressed a lot of memories— there’s the most obvious example, that being his repression of the incident involving Shibusawa. Even after the two of them knew one another for a considerable amount of time and Atsushi grew to trust him, being tortured and subsequently killing Shibusawa caused him to fully repress everything about it, even simply knowing the man. But this isn’t the ONLY instance of repression. Atsushi’s memories ( up until joining the ADA ) are more scattered than most, and specific instances that he’s able to recall tend to be more few and far between. To him, his life at the orphanage doesn’t have as much of a linear passage of time, the years simply blur together. Some incidents are very clear in his head ( ex. the nail ), some he doesn’t remember at all, and some occurred so many times they just muddle together. Ultimately, this can lead to triggers unlocking those more repressed memories sometimes too.  

137. Unhealthy

 Atsushi was very unhealthy for a very long time. Once again, the orphanage was a HORRIBLE environment to grow up in in every sense of the word. Even aside from the constant physical and verbal abuse: he only wore rags, he slept on terrible beds in the cold, he was rarely fed enough food ( and what he did get was far from nutritious enough, not to mention the points system the orphanage ran on and being deprived for days ), he was underweight for a long time, he was never given care when sick. After facing the harshest treatment there, his ability is likely the only reason he’s alive, really. A lot of this improves upon leaving the orphanage, and he gets to be much physically healthier, however... that’s not even touching on the unhealthy coping mechanisms and lasting emotional damage done to him- 

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anonymous asked: atsushi 094 // headcanon exploration

094. Body. 

  There’s a lot that Atsushi tends to dislike about himself, and his body isn’t exempt from that list. It isn’t quite about his appearance, at least... not in the way most might initially think, since he’s not concerned how he looks or perceived “attractiveness.” Rather, it has to do more with his body existing as a constant reminder of his past. Despite his power, he’s still covered in scars, ones he can’t conceal as easily the more his body is exposed. He sees the body that was beaten, bruised, and broken every day. He sees something that he never had any real control or authority over for the first eighteen years of his life. The words about his own worthless and the belief that he must be some kind of monster drilled into his head are a part of how he perceives his physical self, as well. He tries not to dwell on it ( he doesn’t look at himself all that much anyways ), but he can’t really help it either. 

       Since joining the ADA, even as he still sees his body as a reminder of all those flaws, he does try his best to take better care of it. Obviously, he gets to have a much healthier lifestyle with access to consistent food, water, and hygiene and he’s no longer severely underweight, but that doesn’t always stop old habits and trauma responses from kicking in. After all, he’s so used to going hungry for days on end that he’ll forget to eat or simply think he’s fine for much too long ( until it hits him eventually ), or he’ll avoid grabbing himself food out of irrational fear of punishment. 

  Finally, Atsushi requires significant of trust and comfort to express a lot of this to others—sometimes, he’ll talk about or show some of his scars, but that’s when he feels he needs to make a point. Otherwise, the act of showing his body, flaws and all, and feeling more secure than frighteningly vulnerable, would be a huge leap for him.

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annnnnnd tiger boye tag drop even though i still have content to catch up on i know myself by now

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although atsushi repressed the incident with shibusawa until the memories are uncovered in dead apple, he is shown to have momentary instances of panic and fear at the mentions of shibusawa’s name before remembering— similarly, he carried over a subconscious severe fear of electrocution ( despite being unaware of what caused it for a long time ). while that kind of threat isn’t all that common, the idea of it would make him feel panicked and sick, and he found himself not liking lightning that much

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you know, i feel like now might be a good time to point towards this bullet in his docs-

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tag fix pt. 3 bc tumblr despises me ( last one this is it tumblr just thought it could get rid of my CRINGE apparently i think not- )

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@casecmplx​ asked: 021 for @sushi uwu // headcanon exploration

021. Amazing.

Gonna try not to be too angsty for you here lmao, Atsushi genuinely thinks the Armed Detective Agency and everyone there is amazing. Of course, he has a VERY high opinion of Dazai, since he was the first one of them he encountered after being out of the orphanage for a few days— as... much as he can be, Dazai was the person to give him a chance for something he never had before and became a mentor to him. As well, he quickly began to value everyone there— Kunikida, Ranpo, Yosano, Tanizaki, Kenji, Fukuzawa, Kyouka later on.

 It took some time to get used to the environment and his ability, but the ADA quickly became the most IMPORTANT thing in his life. Before them, Atsushi never had any kind of real family or supportive environment, so they gave him something he ends up valuing a lot. He thinks they’re all impressive, and special, and would pretty much do anything for them at this point.