#authorgeek

[authorgeek]

Ukraine

Let me preface this with a disclaimer: I’m not Ukrainian. I’m coming from an American worldview and American alone. If you’re tired of reading what we have to say, and need to scroll to take care of your mind right now, scroll. Ignore this. This is mostly for me anyway, and I care much more about your health and lives than my notes or views.

I really don’t think Russia was prepared for this. Is it awful? Absolutely. But we’ve seen the Ukrainian citizens rise so incredibly, beautifully, tragically, and admirably to the occasion, as well as global allies come to their aid. These are just a few examples of the things I’ve read amidst the chaos:

They have assistance from France, who is seizing Russian assets.

American Liquor stores aren’t importing Russia made Vodka (a bigger deal than it sounds on paper).

Switzerland has broken a 500yr global neutrality to freeze Russian assets.

Ukrainian citizens tore apart a tank piece by piece while it was halted due to fuel shortages.

A chemistry professor told her Ukrainian students their homework was to make Molotov cocktails.

Able bodied young men are fleeing both countries to avoid being drafted, as they don’t wish to fight.

And this last point has been especially weighing heavily on my heart. No one - on either side - wants this. Russian citizens are ashamed at their government, but of course, can’t express this under risk of treason. The troops have been sent to starve and abandon their convoys on the Ukrainian streets, as Russia’s assets are inaccessible. Ukrainian citizens are facing horrific violence at the hands of men who, I do not believe, ever signed up for this. To that end, shame on the ones who did.

Personally, I really don’t want to hear any Anti-Russian rhetoric that isn’t Putin centered, especially from Americans. I stand with Ukraine, but be aware the family cooking Russian food for their restaurant or painting nesting dolls aren’t hurting anyone, and are likely as horrified as the rest of us. Miss me with the xenophobia, please.

Now, at risk of jinxing it by saying such things aloud, I see the potential of a small blessing in disguise. The silver lining of an ugly, ugly grey cloud.

I sincerely hope in 2024, Trump’s involvement with Putin specifically keeps him from reelection. I hope at election day, America can be protected from like violence, and senselessness. I hope we make the connection that having Trump back in office when he runs again is a terrifyingly dangerous possibility. As far as I am concerned this is Putin’s war (again, I have an admittedly narrowed POV here), and I hope he fails miserably. Trump’s proximity to him scares me as much as any of the rest of this. I can only hope when the time comes we put two and two together.

The bottom tagline of my Blog has been “Fight the Power, Sunflower.” Since I built this site. Now, more than ever, it seems applicable to what I wish to communicate here. 

[nauticalsim]

WCIF the hairs from your Pleasant makeovers? They are gorgeous! Thanks in advance!

Howdy! Lilith’s hair can be found here, and is the ‘Jumin Hair’, and Angela’s hair can be found here!

[rosymiche]

A bunch of anti-abortionists and Evangelical Bible-thumpers turned up on our campus yesterday. They had a bunch of photoshopped signs of what were supposed to be aborted fetuses and were attacking the LGBTQ+ community for existing (I know, they were trying to cover a lot of ground). So, my friends and I grabbed our chalk, donned our flannels and rainbows, and staged a mini-revolution on the corner of University and 13th. We wrote warnings about the graphic images the group had and invited anyone who wanted to to write a positive message. Pretty soon we drew in some students who were holding signs warning passers-by about what was going on.

For anyone who’s experienced something similar, just know that you’re allowed to engage with these people in a lot of different ways. Sometimes, direct engagement isn’t effective, but you still want to do something. You have options. Just remember, you are allowed to talk back. You are allowed to shoot them down. Freedom of speech isn’t just about them being able to say whatever they want, it’s also about your response. You might not be able to change their minds, but you can still support the people affected by their rhetoric. The only thing that hurts everyone is inaction. Do something, please, in any way you can and that you’re comfortable with.

Viva la révolution.

(Thanks to @authorgeek for the idea when these bastards turned up last spring! We’ll keep drawing as long as they keep turning up.)

[authorgeek]

Let me Break it Down for ya (and for me).

Fundamentally - for me, everything culminates to “Life, and Humanity is sacred and should be treated/protected as such.” Above property. Above Money. Above the judgement and opinions of others.

Now, for the nuance, and a practice in self-examination, specifically because I don’t want to leave this unexamined. I want to know I feel the way I do for a reason, and be able to record what those reasons are.

I am a disabled woman and I come from a long line of disabled family members. I’ve watched our pain be dismissed, and our diagnoses disregarded. I’ve heard my sister grow up being called the R slur and being asked about my physical appearance - “Are you short enough to be a M#dg#t (and yes, that’s a slur too)?” - much of my childhood. I’ve seen first hand how ableism dehumanizes us, especially when we cannot work/hold jobs, and commodifies us when we can. I’ve seen how America denies its most vulnerable healthcare (this includes the scariest buzzword of them all, abortion - because if we actually cared for the health of our women and children the need for abortion in the first place would drop right along with the number of unplanned pregnancies).

I am also a student who has grown up under the threat of gun violence in our schools. I’ve been through countless threat events and drills in preparation for an active shooter. (I thank God and consider myself lucky every time it crosses my mind that I’ve never personally been in an active shooter situation.) I am afraid of unattended cans/bottles/packages, loud noises, and public spaces because of the trauma this overhanging threat placed upon me and my peers as we grew inside of it. I’ve seen first hand how student voices are ignored and silenced by those in power.

I have black friends and loved ones. I try my very best as a white woman not to speak over them, but to amplify their voices, listen to, stand with, and defend them. I care more about black lives than city property, or profit. I also, as an infertile woman, love adoption and may one day raise a child of a different race and ethnicity than myself. I want to do so, prepared In love and knowledge of what that child’s experience will be like as a BIPOC or AAPI child in America. It is dangerous to pretend “their” problems do or should not impact me simply because I’m a white woman. There is no “them”. only “us” and I have the unique ability as white to act like it by following their lead, and I intend to fiercely.

I’ve found a community like no other among my LGBTQIA+ siblings. I have friends with They/Them pronouns. I use She/Hers but the found family and friendships I’ve made are deeper and more cherished than I will ever be able to express. The warmth and acceptance granted me, of questioning, and of exploration are so meaningful and I wouldn’t sacrifice them for anything. I never would have been able to come to terms with my own position within the queer community or found the language to communicate the way my heart works without them and I’ll never be able to thank them enough for that. I only hope I can return the same unconditional love they’ve shown me. 

In as simple as I can put it, there it is My most “nutshell” experience that’s led me towards what some may see as extreme, or as a certain “agenda”, specifically in my support of BLM or the Queer community. You may say it’s “Divisive” or “Intolerant” and lament my inability to find a middle ground or compromise. I lament your seeing humanity, in all its ever existing diversity and beautiful complexity, as “agenda” or “radical”. I cannot compromise because I do not wish to. I believe that disabled, queer, people of color are people. To compromise on that would be to compromise their humanity, and would make me a part of the problem. This is the problem I see with the white centrist or independent. If you’re looking for a middle ground and willing to find a compromise here, it’s because you weren’t truly valuing or seeing people as people in the first place.

[authorgeek]

Guilty Pleasures

I guilt trip myself so, so easily.

Reading for pleasure? Painting more flowers or pretty things in my sketchbook because I want to?

Playing Sims, Stardew Valley, and Animal Crossing because they’re fun?

Resting, watching kids movies and animated films because they bring me comfort?

It’s unheard of. I can’t do it without the voices in the back of my head screaming at me. “You’re wasting your time”. “You have chores”. “You’re being lazy”. “This isn’t productive.”

“This isn’t a valuable or productive use of my energy right now, and if I can focus on this - I can put that basket of laundry away.”

No. Actually, no! I’m learning that this is a form of self hate. And these voices in my head are not my own, but learned and collected from growing up under a lot of pressure to set aside pleasure and fun and rest for productivity and success and things that are “valuable” and “important”.

I value rest. I value fun. I value spending time enjoying myself. And it doesn’t take away from the fact that I am a hard worker. I am driven. I am determined to be successful, through being happy. My success isn’t going to look like the “traditional” model and the version of the dream we’ve all been fed. I can never fit into that box and I don’t think I’d want it if i could. It’s too narrow minded.

So Yes, Animal Crossing is very important. Because if I’ve stopped and let myself sit for a while and do nothing but collect shells and water flowers? It means I’ve allowed myself to enjoy something. To rest. I’ve allowed myself to drop the never ending pressure to “Make Something” of myself. I am me. I don’t need to make myself any more than that. Next step, do so without all the internalized shame.

From now on, I refuse to accept that self hatred and the harmful cycle of guilt every time my time could be “better” spent elsewhere. Time enjoyed is never wasted. I’m having fun. Why does that anger everyone so much? Why, every time, do others feel the need to look down upon it? What about me taking care of and enjoying myself is so against the rules? Why is it worse when I do it without shame?

I’ve figured out what works for me. I worked hard up front to allow myself time to take a break. I’d appreciate if it wasn’t treated like a waste - and instead - respected for the self-care it is. Not just for me, but like - can we extend that to everyone??? Please???

Thanks.

[authorgeek]

...Well, at least I’m Vaccinated, right?

The American Healthcare System is deadly. This is another health/life update.

As I write this, my mother is making phone calls on my behalf, just as she has my whole life. I got out of the ER yesterday and from picking up my medications at the pharmacy, to canceling my counselor today because of a sudden drop in coverage - the reason I didn’t want to/hesitate to pursue mental healthcare in the first place - every moment for the last four years have been overshadowed by my chronic illness. The last year more so than ever as I continuously say no to gatherings and meetings and leaving my home. A constant reminder of what we’ve been through, about how it impacts me specifically, and another round of the negative energy that comes from having those same conversations in an endless cycle. 

1) I am flaring and very much tied to my own home and our restroom. This last trip to the ER a few days ago put me on yet another round of steroids and soon enough I should be feeling physically better in a while after rest (hahaha), gentle diet, and time. Goodbye spring break, hello IVs and 3am blood draws. My nurses were angels btw. Thank you to all the healthcare providers who stepped in to begin getting me back on track.

2) Scheduling my last classes of Zoom Uni and drs is still hell. I have Zoom calls on top of Zoom calls between class and therapy (at least up until now) and trying to establish and create relationships with new Dr.s, a process that has made my and my family’s life a living hell since moving from campus and back, insurance battles, address and paperwork changes, prescription and test orders - something has been overly complicated, slowed down, held back...etc at every step of the way.

3) My mother - bless her - to sainthood - has been fighting on all our behalf at EVERY MOMENT. But she should NEVER have to put herself through this. I hate watching her do this, sit on calls, listen and watch as we get juggled from one department to another over and over like a carnival ride because no one will stop and help us. It is so painful to watch, and it is so endlessly frustrating to pick up and begin again and again day in and day out. She constantly tells me its her job and that she’s going to keep it up as long as I need - but I still know she never should have to go to bat for me like this and I hate it. I really really hate it.

4) Stuck at home, hospitalized, med changes, this all feels like I’ve time traveled a bit back to the very first days while being diagnosed. I feel a lot of old emotions coming back, a lot of unhealed childhood trauma I was never allowed to properly work through because life, and all its other crisis got in the way one at a time. As far as my mental health has been going, I haven’t felt this way since I was a young teenager, just entering high school after being housebound for 7th grade because I was too sick for a conventional school setting. It’s been crushing, and heavy, and I just feel...guilty...that other people have had to put up with me while I fight through this fog and watch. There is very little they can do, and it’s always awful to know the people who care about me feel as helpless to be there for me as I feel in general. Of course, these are the kinds of things I’ve been talking to my therapist about. Even while I am writing this, we are in  the process of leaping over that particular hurdle on the long racetrack we’ve been running. I wanted therapy. I need mental health assistance. And we’re going to fight to keep this same provider and keep jumping through all the right hoops.

5) All this to say - I’m not the only one dealing with this and that makes it worse because NO ONE should. And if something doesn’t break? If something isn’t radically changed, it’s going to result in loss of even more lives of people like me. Possibly me. I know people hate to hear this and I hate to say it - but “COVID only impacts the elderly and those with preexisting conditions” is complete and utter Bull. All you’ve said is that you don’t care about those communities of people. About my community. About me. These clerical errors, working from out of office, communication breakdowns, have ALL been exacerbated by a global pandemic that was so horribly mismanaged it’s resulted in this mess. I wonder how much higher the death toll would be if we calculated the lack of mental health resources, errors made on the admin. side due to these circumstances - how much bigger a number would we be looking at, and what do we do to change it - and to put in preventative measures against it ever happening again.

A fantastic way you guys can support me right now - if you’re wondering after reading all of this - is through my redbubble shop, even just sharing the link to the page means a lot. I’ll hopefully have some new designs up to share with you all soon. I’m going to try my best to go a bit radio silent for a while. I’m going to continue reading, painting, gardening, and doing classwork because that’s my current capacity. That’s me running at MAX, and while that may not sound like much it’s all I’ve got right now. I’m tired beyond words, I don’t really even want to keep writing about this any more. So, if you guys are messaging/trying to get a hold of me, thank you in advance for your patience. I may not be able to respond right away. The new term just started and I spent most of my break in the hospital so I gently ask that I take some time alone, for me. Thank you all - for your encouragement and love you’ve sent my way during this year, and for forever. I love you all for it.

[rosymiche]

@authorgeek @wibblywobbly-timeywimey-nonsense @ace-inspace

Relationships get so bananas when you start deciphering the other person’s love language.

Like I thought I was just acquaintances with this person because they never told me details about themselves and we just talked movies and writing . But then they made time to have coffee with me and they showed up out of breath because they ran. Like. RAN to be on time for coffee with me?

And I was like “i don’t mind waiting” cause I never want to run

But they said they wanted every minute they could get because I’m so busy usually

Which is when it clicked that I didn’t get how much they considered me a friend because I just straight away didn’t see MY signs of affection in them and went “cool! Casual buds it is.” But now that I’m seeing their signs of affection, I feel a little silly for dismissing them like that even though I felt like we could be best bros.

Anyway, some people show affection through time or intensity or commitment and not vocally. I really have to remember that!

[authorgeek]

Medical Update

My jaw hurts today. I’ve been clenching my teeth through the abdominal pain while doing my best to study and pay attention in my zoom Uni lectures. Today, those go from 10am to 5pm. I have been in insurance/transfer/records and testing limbo, in some capacity, since I was 18. That’s three years ago now. Mom has been fighting as best she can by my side to switch to a hopefully successful treatment (Entyvio) ever since I asked for it when I turned 18 and insurance wouldn’t let us try it. We’re just waiting for a call to get my first dose scheduled, but as of right now I have been without really any formal treatment. I am at about a 6-7 on my pain scale, and have been steadily resting there for a couple of days now. I’m needing the bathroom more and more frequently and am having an increasingly difficult time sleeping, sitting through (let alone participating in) a lecture, or studying for extended periods of time.

It’s getting more difficult to eat without pain, and my hands are once again constantly dry, my fingers and toes are cold all the time, and I’m often overall shaky or weak. My hands shook so badly while making breakfast this morning a jar of jam slipped from my fingers and shattered on the kitchen floor.

I say all this, because UC, and IBD is generally called an “Invisible” Illness, and I find that to be entirely incorrect to us who live with it and those who love us. I think “Private” or “individual” or “Isolating” are better words. I can’t be there for my family, my friends, my boyfriend, or any of the people in my life who I love and care about. Not because I don’t want to be, but because my body betrays me. I am gritting my teeth and pushing through, sleeping when I can, eating what I can stomach. These things take all of the time and energy I have. I am tired, exhausted beyond the capacity of the word, and I have no more to give to the people I love. They sit by helpless, unable to ease my pain. That is not invisible. It is illness. It is Autoimmune Disorder. It is disability, by definition.

I am not asking for pity or sympathy. I am asking for empathy from those who understand living in a failing body, I am asking for prayers in the process and success of new treatments, and above all, I am asking for grace. I am doing the very best I can, and I am sorry that it is so often not enough. I am also asking you to VOTE and vote for Biden, as otherwise, the healthcare and medical system will continue to fail me and my family and it becomes more dangerous and more difficult for me to receive any form of treatment or care. Yes, it really does impact me on that personal a level.

All my love, and thank you for reading this far/supporting me along my journey.

- Jay

[authorgeek]

Blog Post/Book Update!

Ok, so I have never been closer to publishing my book. A WIP since I was 13 and 1st diagnosed. I’m going to be posting about this a lot in the coming months, so let me give you guys some quick info!

Below the read more, because I don’t like long posts. Thanks for clicking!

My current WIP is a fantasy-scifi novel for middle readers, preteens-adults. Full of pop culture references, my Alien Princess protagonist and her Knight best friend run around my world, meet quite the cast of mythological/magical characters, and go on some pretty fun adventures, if I do say so myself.

The best thing you guys can do to help, is stay tuned for updates as I work through the end edits (My ETERNAL gratitude to beta reader @rosymiche), finding a publisher and getting it on the shelves! I have been researching and scouting publishing houses as I type, and have found a local indie. printer I have fallen in love with. I have spoken to their editor, and plan on submitting my manuscript to them as soon as they open, likely next month!

So first, wish me luck, and stick around for more updates as that happens!

Next, once that happens, THAT’s where you guys come in- For me and all your wonderful writer friends...

ASK YOUR LOCAL LIBRARY/BOOKSELLERS to stock it! That’s right, you don’t want to buy it? You don’t have enough? Great! Ask your library to buy it for you and then BAM! You can go read it! You can get it for a friend if Alien Princesses aren’t your thing (but why wouldn't they be?), you can get it for your little sibling, who is undoubtedly going through their own Alien Royalty phase at exactly this moment, right? Of course they are!

You get my point. That’s all for now folks. Thank you for all your love and support that has carried me this far, and will continue as I move forward. I love you all very much, and know I am hard at work, excited to finally share my world with all of you! 

🌻💚🌻- Jay

[authorgeek]

My new icon, compliments to @impetuositys Pic crew game! Shout out to them! THIS ART STYLE IS SO CUTE, guys please go try it! 

[rosymiche]

My roommate and I are developing a comic at the moment, and I thought I would upload some character art! I haven’t uploaded any of the work we’ve done so far, but it’s been a blast. She designs the monsters and the architecture of the world, and I design the people. We’ve also been developing the plot using an RP format, so @authorgeek, @ace-inspace, and @dark-viverna have been slogging through our world as wonderful players. Sorry-not-sorry for last session, guys!! >D

[authorgeek]

🌻Under Construction🌻

Quick hiatus? Plus a URL change to @authorgeek, and like my real life, my page is never done changing and growing! I appreciate your patience with me as I manage, organize, and clean up. I’ve been running this blog since 2014, and in 5 years, I’ve grown and come into my own. It’s time that’s represented here in my internet home!