Henry Danger Reader Insert | Captain Man x Reader: SEASON 1
Episode 10: Too Much Game
~The Man Cave~
Down in the Man Cave, Charlotte and (y/n) were struggling with the headquarter's failing equipment. The supercomputer, snack machine, tubes, the sofa: you name it, sure enough, it was on the blink.
Charlotte furiously tapped the buttons on the computer, but it was unresponsive, causing the young woman next to her to hit the control panel in frustration.
"Gooch? Hey! Gooch, are you there?" They were trying to get contact with the store above their heads, but so far they were unsuccessful.
"Stupid thing!" (y/n) kicked it for good measure.
"Mama." A baby doll came on the screen.
"Okay, that's not Gooch. Ugh, what is wrong with this thing?" Charlotte asked her.
"I don't know! I can do some of the repairs, but I can't work out what's wrong because of all the circuit boards and software in this heap of junk." (y/n) pressed the resignal button, hoping it would fix the fuzzy screen
"Gooch!" They finally managed to get some patchy images.
"Go for Gooch!" Charlotte asked him as his voice crackled from the interference.
"Where are Henry and Ray?" (y/n) questioned, wondering what was taking the superheroes so long.
"There was an emergency at the Swellview mall," Gooch told her.
"I know that!" She pinched her eyes in exasperation.
"Oooh, what happened?" Charlotte hadn't been down in the Man Cave for very long and wanted to know what was going down.
"Santa Claus was running around without his red pants," Gooch reported, confusing the girl.
"But it's not even Christmas." She looked at (y/n).
"Weird, right?" She was interrupted by the auto-snacker processing another order that they hadn't asked for.
"Your hot dog is ready." The A.I said.
"We don't want a freakin' hot dog!" (y/n) yelled at the thing, walking over to the thing and pressing a few buttons to cancel the food.
"You ordered a hot dog?" Gooch asked, not hearing some of their words over the bad connection.
"No. The snack machine is still broken and acting all crazy." Charlotte explained to him as (y/n) peered through the food window.
"R--repeat, y--ou'--re b-break--ing up," Gooch said in a distorted voice, the connection then breaking again.
"Gooch!" Charlotte tried to fix it again, revealing that Ray and Henry were back. Only, one tube came down with Ray, but there was no sign of Henry.
"Hey, guys." He greeted them in a tired voice.
"Hi, those Santa's pants?" (y/n) walked up behind Charlotte.
"Yeah." He replied, his voice telling her that the mission was more trouble than it was worth.
"So, where's Henry?" Charlotte piped up.
"He's right-- huh, that's weird." Ray thought the teen was right behind him, so he looked up the tube to see where he was.
"Henry? Come down." He yelled.
"I can't my tube isn't working." The boy's voice echoed down the shaft.
"Not another malfunction." (y/n) scrubbed her palm against her face. The faulty tube meant there was another problem in the cave that she had no idea how to fix, and she was supposed to keep the place under control and ready for action.
"Okay, hang on." Ray took out his remote laser and tried to manually tried to bring down the tube. It came down halfway before an error noise sounded and the tube retracted. Ray kept pressing it, hoping that it would work eventually.
"Do that and it'll break completely. And then I'll break your face." (y/n) looked at him with her arms folded, but her threat was empty as trying to break the man's face would actually break her fist.
"Ray?" Henry called out, wondering what was going on.
"Yeah?"
"If you keep doing that, I'm gonna vomit," Henry warned him and the woman smirked at Ray.
"Ha, and you're standing under the tube." And the man quickly stepped out from any falling puke.
"Your hot dog is ready." The snack machine said again, this time revealing a terrified Chihuahua.
"Aw, puppy!" (y/n) couldn't help but say. She didn't even know the machine could do that.
"What the..." Charlotte looked at her boss with a puzzled face.
"(y/n), what have I said? We can't have pets in the Man Cave." Ray assumed that his friend had tried to sneak the dog into their lives.
"He's not mine!" She said in an offended tone. She knew that buying a pet without getting his agreement would be rude and irresponsible, two things that she rarely was.
"That's our lunch that we did not order!" Charlotte stressed, the glitches around the room freaking her out.
"Argh, I thought we fixed that thing. Why does it keep--" Ray tried to use his controller to stop the auto-snacker, but then the couch started to spin around.
"Now, why is that spinning?" Charlotte asked as he and his best friend groaned.
"Because everything in here is a piece of crap!" The stress was getting to (y/n), and she was losing her cool.
"We gotta find a good repairman!" Ray told her, pressing his controller repeatedly, and the sprocket started playing up.
"Not the sprocket, too." He whined, throwing the Santa pants to the couch.
"Gooch!" The screen showed the Indian man with a patchy signal.
"Go for Gooch."
"Just get your toolbox down here and come help (y/n). We got a lot of stuff to fix." Ray tried to tell him, but the woman just growled in annoyance.
"Ray, you know there is only one repairman who can fix things down there," Gooch said, not naming any names.
"I'm not calling him!" Ray muttered back, the memory of the man making him angry.
"We need him, get on the damn phone!" (y/n) shook his shoulders, but he grabbed her wrists and looked into her eyes.
"No, we don't need him, and I will not let him back in our Man Cave!" He said sternly, but she didn't miss the way he said "our Man Cave". That had never been said before.
"I can't fix this stuff!" She tried to reason with him, but he just reached over to turn off the screen.
"Bye!" He said to Gooch.
"Don't you press that but--" Gooch and (y/n) said, not finished with the conversation, but it was too late.
"Who were you talking about?" Charlotte asked as the woman plopped down on Ray's knee in annoyance, his hand resting on her back to steady her.
"Schwoz." Ray spat out the name.
"What's a Schwoz?" Charlotte had never heard of a name like that.
"This guy that used to work with him. He built most of this place, all this cool stuff. He developed the technology we use, built all the weapons and devices. I'm telling you, he's a genius!" (y/n) told her about the man. He had been a good friend to her and was the only one she had properly told about how she felt about Ray. He had been sworn to secrecy and kept silent even when he and Ray fell out.
"Yeah, he's a genius." Ray mocked her, not liking how she was going on about him. He wanted to be the one she spoke of with such adoration.
"He sounds awesome." Charlotte agreed with the young woman. This Schwoz sounded like just the guy they needed.
"Well, awesome guys don't steal your girlfriend!" Ray shouted at her, and (y/n) rolled her eyes.
"Ooh, wow." The teen looked down at the new information.
"Yeah, that's what I said when I found out that she'd been Schwoz'd!" Ray exclaimed, the memory still irritating him.
"Oh, please. She was just as much to blame!" (y/n) tried to make him see that the girlfriend was no good. Sure, Schwoz had done something wrong, but it took two people to cheat.
"Don't defend him!" Ray pointed a gloved finger at her.
"Don't be a dick then!" She replied, grabbing his finger and bending it back a little, the pressure making the man wince and back down.
The tube beeped, and they all thought Henry was finally coming down. He was, in a way. The boy fell down the shaft, landing on his feet and falling backwards. His knees ached from taking the brunt of the drop.
"Oh, man."
"Henry!"
"I'll get the first aid kit!" Ray and Charlotte looked at the boy in horror, as (y/n) grabbed her medical supplies and quickly ran to the groaning boy's side. She helped him up, and he looked at her with a dazed expression.
"That...that really hurt me." He said to her.
"My god, is anything broken?" She looked up and down his body, not seeing any visible injuries.
"I'm fine, it's all good." Henry smiled at her, as a beeping came from Ray's remote.
"Uh-oh. Oh, man." He cried at what it said.
"What's wrong?" Charlotte asked him, peering up at the screen.
"Santa Claus jumped outta the police car and now he's running down Swellview Boulevard," Ray whined, hating the thought of having to chase the pant-less man.
"But, his pants are right here." (y/n) picked them up from the couch and brought them over to him.
"Exactly, let's go." (y/n) handed them over and he and Henry went back to the tube area. They smacked their belts, but only Henry's tube came down. Ray slapped his navel several more times, however, nothing happened.
"Come on!" He yelled.
"Let's just both take my tube," Henry told him calmly.
"All right." The superhero grumbled, so Henry raised his tube and Ray shuffled over. He put his arms around Henry in a hug.
"Awwww, cute." (y/n) snapped a photo of them together on her phone, and they each gave her a bored face in return. Hitting his belt buckle again, they prepared for the tube, only this time, the opposite one came down.
"Seriously?!"
"Geez!" They both screamed as everything in the Man Cave began to malfunction at once.
"You better call Schwoz." Charlotte insisted.
"Never!" Ray hissed back.
"RAYMOND! CALL HIM!" (y/n) pointed her finger at him, the noise in the hideout was beginning to annoy her.
"Who's Schwoz?" Henry asked, having not heard about the clever man from the tube.
"He's this guy that used to work for me a long--" Ray was cut off when the tube over them came down and hit his head.
"OW!"He exclaimed, putting his hand over where he was hit.
"Just call him, please!" (y/n) didn't want anyone else getting hurt. No one else was indestructible, and that meant that she and the kids were at risk of serious injury.
"I hate him!" Ray seethed at her.
"I don't care!" She told him, as she ran to the computer, hoping she could at least she could get a tube working.
~The next day~
Ray, (y/n) and Charlotte were back down in the Man Cave trying to troubleshoot all of the problems.
"Hey, I really wish you'd get those things working." The tall man said to the two females, who turned around and glared at him.
"When you get off your butt and contribute to our efforts, then I'll take directions from you." (y/n) said to him, and he smiled sheepishly at her, and she turned back around with an amused expression. She couldn't stay mad for long, especially when he was looking so good in his tight, white, long-sleeved t-shirt.
The shouts of Henry falling down in the elevator drew their attention away from the fuzzy screens.
"Hey, something's wrong with the dumb elevator." He complained to the three after he stepped through the doors
"Why are you in such a bad mood?" Ray asked, sensing something was off.
"Because I got kicked off my dumb basketball team." He explained, as (y/n) stood next to Ray.
"Are you good at basketball?" She asked him, having never heard about the boy playing the sport before.
"No." He replied, just as the couch began to spin, making Ray, who was leaning against it, fall into (y/n). Her arms wrapped around him to stabilise them both.
"Charlotte! You made the couch spin again." Ray shouted at the girl on the computer, as he guided his friend away from the twirling couch.
"Well, why don't you hop on it and take a ride?" The girl snapped back, having had enough of his bossing around.
"Ray, the repairman (y/n) ordered is here. He's on his way down." The man said excitedly, knowing who was on his way down.
"What? You can't just send some stranger down here until we have him checked out." Looking between the woman mentioned and Gooch.
"I got to go." Before he could get into trouble, Gooch killed the link. Ray looked at (y/n) for answers, but then the elevator came down, the mystery man inside.
The doors opened, a small, strange man with a balding head and overalls on walked out and put down his toolbox.
"Hey." He greeted his old friends in a thick, foreign accent that was difficult to place.
"Schwoz," Ray said through his teeth, looking at the man in anger and then (y/n), who was smiling brightly at Schwoz.
"Get out." The superhero ordered him in a harsh voice, stalking towards the man, making (y/n) step in front of him and put her hands on his chest.
"Come on, Ray, don't be like that." She pleaded with him, but even her best puppy-dog eyes couldn't melt his anger.
"I mean it! I can't believe you brought him here! Out of here." He kept moving forward, forcing the woman backwards until she was stood next to Schwoz.
"That's Schwoz?" Henry asked, entertained by the man's funny appearance.
"You must be new sidekick, Kid Danger." The tech-genius smiled as he shook Henry's hand warmly. All the niceties were getting under Ray's skin.
"Don't you talk to Henry. You keep your Schwoz cooties off of him." Ray slapped the man's hands away from Henry, and (y/n) looked up at him in horror, shocked that her best friend, who was usually so amicable, was being so mean.
"Ray! It's been three years!" She pointed out to him, as Schwoz walked around the group.
"Yeah, three years since he stole my girlfriend." He replied, following the repairman's every move.
"If it makes you feel any better, I dumped her two weeks later," Schwoz told him, leaning the computer controls. His words made (y/n) wince. 'Why tell him that?" She groaned inwardly.
"Why would that make me feel better?" Ray exclaimed.
"Can I get something to eat?" Schwoz moved away from the subject.
"You could if that hunk-a-junk snack machine you built actually worked." Ray insulted him.
"I check it." The small man said, determined to prove that his machines were cutting-edge science, not junk.
"Don't order a hot dog," Charlotte warned him, remembering what happened yesterday.
Schwoz pressed the touch screen on the snack machine, and a probe dropped out. Holding it against the screen, he then clicked a few buttons, so the machine's software system would reset itself. The four people behind him just looked on in confusion.
"Now, would anyone like a nacho tower?" He said to the machine in his funny voice, and the computer responded immediately, creating a hot, steaming pile of tasty-looking nachos.
"Whoa, nacho tower," Henry said it as Schwoz did, and (y/n) took a nacho from the plate.
"He fixed the auto-snacker," Charlotte said, sounding impressed.
"Oh my god, I tried for hours last night to get that thing to work. And he made it looked so easy." She said the last part whilst looking directly at Ray.
"I don't care, you ruined our friendship. Now, I've only got one left." Ray replied, gesturing to the woman, which made Henry and Charlotte look at him with frowning faces.
"You know what I mean. And, you're not gonna fix it with a platter of hot, Mexican treats." Ray tried to say, the smelling enticing him, as Henry, Charlotte and (y/n) filled their faces.
"Well, I forgive you."
"Me too."
"I was never that mad." The superhero folded his arms after they voiced their support.
"Look, if you want me to leave, just tell me 'Leave'." Schwoz looked at the grumpy man.
"Leave, leave, leave, leave, leave," Ray repeated at him in an agitated voice.
"Stay, stay, stay, stay, stay." (y/n) said this time, looking up at Ray with hard eyes.
"I'm the boss here!" He whispered at her.
"I have to run this place! I need the equipment to work!" She snapped back, so Henry interjected.
"Shut up before you fall out again." He deadpanned to the friends, which made them break apart and look at each other apologetically, the tension dissolving immediately. Their hearts were still tender from the last time they argued, and they didn't want to be apart again.
"So you want me to stay?" Schwoz butted in, making Ray form a fist at his face.
"Because I could fix up all the broken schtuff around this place." He offered.
"Do it." Henry and Charlotte nodded.
"No!" While he didn't want to make (y/n) angry, he stilled hated Schwoz and didn't want him all over the Man Cave.
"Let him fix the broken schtuff," Henry said to him.
"Please, Raymond. Pretty please? I'll love you forever..." (y/n) fluttered her eyes at him and made her voice as sweet as she could, even though she was already sure she would love Ray until the end of time. The large man looked down at her, and couldn't resist how she gazed at him.
"All right, fix the broken schtuff. And give me a nacho." He said to Schwoz, giving in. Henry took the plate of food, as Ray went to sit on the couch, taking (y/n) with him. They giggled together as they sat down, and the three still at the computer looked their way.
"Ah, young girl is still in love, no?" Schwoz whispered to the teens.
"Oh yeah, totally," Henry answered as he put a chip in his mouth.
"And Ray finally asked her out?" He carried on, hoping that their pining was over.
"Ha, no. He'll never admit it to her." Charlotte said in a hushed tone, but the couple were still in their happy, little world and didn't see them talking to each other in a huddle.
"So he is still nincompoop? Man, it's been years since she told me. I thought she would have done something by now." Schwoz told them, their eyes widening at how long (y/n) had been crushing on Ray.
"She never said it was that long." Henry looked at the girl as she smiled and laughed along at what Ray was telling her.
"I had been here long time when Ray employed her. She was a hard worker and he couldn't help but love her." He sighed dreamily, remembering the good old days.
"But?" Charlotte said, expecting a twist.
"He kept dating the womens and she wanted to stay professional. So, here we are." Schwoz said, frowning at the pair, who were now looking at cat videos on (y/n)'s phone, her head on his chest and his arm around her shoulder.
"He's dumb." Henry said, pointing a thumb over his shoulder.
"And she's too shy." Charlotte analysed.
"They will realise one day, and they will get married and have lots of beebees. Now, children, I must work." Schwoz left them standing together and started working on the computer's video-chat system.
"What's a beebee?" Henry looked at Charlotte, who just shrugged and ate another nacho.
~
Schwoz was tweaking some controls at the back of the Man van, as Ray, Henry and (y/n) finished the nachos on the couch. Grabbing his remote, the repairman walked to the centre of the floor and turned to them.
"Now, who's ready for technological fun?" He asked them.
"Yeah."
"Give us your best shot." Henry and (y/n) answered him, but Ray was still cheesed off.
Running to the tube area, Schwoz went up and came down in the one opposite, proving they were working again.
"All right, he fixed them!" The woman smiled, a hand on Ray's shoulder.
"And I fixed the TVs and the sprocket. And watch this." Schwoz told them excitedly, running down from the tubes.
"Security lasers on." Schwoz pressed his button, and a series of red lasers appeared all over the Man Cave.
"OOh, lasers." Henry geeked out at the new feature, (y/n) grinning too. But Ray was still upset. The teen reached out to touch one and was still impressed when it burned his finger.
"Security off." The lasers disappeared and Schwoz leapt onto the end of the couch, next to where Henry was sat.
"Smoochy music on." A romantic love song began playing over the speakers, and the couch started spinning slowly as Gooch danced.
"That'll impress your girlfriends." (y/n) patted Ray's leg in an attempt to impress him, despite her words breaking her heart.
"Smoochy music off." Ray wasn't bothered by the new addition, because it was installed by the man who he currently hated.
"Whoaaa, he is impressive." Henry clapped and looked at Ray.
"Yeah, yeah." Captain Man just ate another nacho. Schwoz sat down from where he was stood.
"Too bad you can't use your technical skills to make me a better basketball player." Henry sighed at him, sparking an idea in the small man's mind.
"Hey... who says I can't make you a better basketball player, huh?" He smirked and nudged Henry, who didn't pick up on his hints.
"I did. Was I wrong?" He asked, Schwoz nodding with a devious smile.
~
Schwoz had found the gear he was looking for and started to put the sleeves onto Henry's arms.
"Cool sleeve. Feels good." The boy nodded once it had been programmed.
"I've seen better sleeves," Ray commented, taking a swig from his soda, as (y/n) dozed peacefully on his shoulder.
"What are the goggles for?" Henry asked Schwoz, ignoring his boss's comment.
"They are wirelessly connected to the sleeve using bloop-toop." The foreign man said to him, his ending words not making much sense to the teen.
"Bloop-toop?" Henry sounded confused.
"He means Bluetooth." (y/n) called to him, her voice rough from sleep and how she smushed her face back into Ray's chest.
"I don't understand but--whoa!" A rocket-propelled basketball hoop appeared from the ceiling once Schwoz pressed his controller again. Ray stood up, the woman on him complaining but following too as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes,
"I didn't know we had a hoop." She said through a yawn. Her attempts to repair the tech last night and therefore her lack of sleep was starting to catch up to her.
"Neither did I," Ray said, bringing her to his chest so she could rest on him again, enjoying the way her warmth seeped through his shirt.
"And now..take this and shoot the bashket." The small guy instructed Henry, a basketball dropping from the ceiling.
"Wait!" He suddenly stopped the boy, his loud voice making (y/n) jumped under Ray's arm. He petted her hair and she soon quietened down.
"What?" Henry wanted to know what he had done wrong.
"Close your eyes." Schwoz directed him, to prove how well the device would work.
"But I need to see." The boy insisted, but regardless, he did as he was told. Bouncing the ball once, he closed his eyes and shot the ball right into the hoop.
"What?" He looked extremely surprised.
"Hey, let me try one," Ray said, putting (y/n) down on the sofa and rushing off to get the ball. The young woman followed his movements through tired eyes.
Picking up the ball, Ray threw it as hard as he could at Schwoz, narrowly missing her on the couch.
"That was uncalled for!" She said, her rapidly beating heart waking her up in seconds.
"That's not what balls are for!" Schwoz looked at Ray with a hurt face.
"Well, you shouldn't have kissed my girlfriend." The superhero refused to let it go, much to the annoyance of his two friends.
"So, if I wear these goggles and this sleeve thing..." Henry took back the inventor's attention.
"You will make bashket every time." He smiled back at him with reassurance.
"Oh, man. This is amazing. Thanks, Schwoz. I'm going to destroy that Shawn Corbit guy." Henry smiled back as Ray stood with his hands on his hips.
"Let us celebrate with smoochy music and whirly lights." Schwoz turned them on and ran to get (y/n) on her feet, so they and Henry could dance to it. Ray watched on, his stubborn streak not letting him join in. (y/n) stepped off the couch and sauntered over to him.
"You know you wanna dance." She smirked at him.
"Maybe." He didn't smile, and couldn't look her in the eye.
"Come on, dance with me." She held out her hand and nodded back to the spinning couch, where Schwoz and Henry were coyly smirking at each other.
"Fine." The man caved in, after all, how could he refuse an offer like that?
~The next day, Swellview High~
It was the day of Henry's big match against Shawn Corbit, and Ray, Schwoz and (y/n) were walking to the gym where it was taking place. The woman's hand was firmly in Ray's as he dragged her along, harshly ignoring the smaller man.
"You could at least make small talk." She said to the man in front of her as they weaved through the corridors of Henry's school.
"I don't want to talk to him." He replied bitterly, Schwoz trying to keep up on his short legs. (y/n) rolled her eyes at Ray's words and they pushed open the doors to the gym. Walking in with their popcorn and snow cone, they saw how Henry was shouting perfectly thanks to the gadget Schwoz had built him.
Sitting down on a bench, Ray decided to sit way too close to a pretty looking woman at the end. Ignoring (y/n) and Schwoz on his left he turned up the flirting as he noticed her long legs.
"Hey there." His smooth voice greeted her, and (y/n) found herself in the middle of two males who both fancied one woman. 'Why me?' She cried in her head, remembering how this situation ended last time.
"Hello." The woman smiled back with a sweet tone. Schwoz could see how sad his friend looked at Ray's new interest, so he decided he would try to help out.
"So, are you a teacher?" Ray asked the woman, giggling with her.
"Yeah, I teach eighth grade Spanish." She told him.
"Caliente." The large man complimented her.
"Bueno." (y/n) could deal with Ray's flirting from afar, but being sat right next to it with him and a beautiful teacher to her left made her cross her arms.
"Ay, Dios Mio." She muttered under her breath, only Schwoz hearing her, so he made his move.
"I am Schwoz." The man leaned across the woman in the middle of them and grinned at the Spanish teacher.
"You say nothing!" Ray snapped back to him, not wanting another girl taken by the little man. How did he expect him to move on from (y/n) if he kept stealing the girls?
"Listen up! This is a game of one-on-one. Playing to ten. The winner stays on the basketball team, the loser goes home to his mommy." The coach explained to the two boys, even though (y/n) was fairly certain that 'Shawn Corbit' wasn't a boy and that the coach was a massive douchebag.
"Okay, let's get this over with. Henry, your ball." The manager made to pass the basketball to Henry but dropped it at the last minute. Switching on his sleeve, Henry gave a thumbs up to Schwoz and (y/n) who returned the gesture with encouraging smiles. Ray was preoccupied with making out with the hot teacher.
"Oh my god, do you mind?" She groaned at Ray as he was practically laying on top of her. 'Is he trying to kill me?' She whimpered inwardly but concentrated on the game as Henry started bouncing the ball and moving across the gym. He jumped up to make the hoop, but the vastly taller man used his height to slap the ball out of his hands. Running the ball up the court, Shawn fired and easily scored a goal.
"Hey, give me your phone!" Piper said to Charlotte as she recorded the match.
"Why?" The dark-haired girl couldn't see why she would need it.
"So I can shoot Henry's disaster from two angles." She exclaimed, not caring if Henry lost and got kicked off the team.
"I'm going to get some lemonade. You want some?" Ray looked at the woman as they broke apart from their kiss.
"Sure." The woman hadn't looked at her student's match once, and Ray turned to his sulking best friend.
"You want some lemonade?" He smiled at her.
"No thanks, I'm feeling a bit sick." She told him in a flat voice, her eyes not leaving Henry's game.
"Okay. Be right back." He patted her knee, not taking her tone as an annoyed one, but rather an interest in what was happening on the court. Realising he'd be a few minutes in the queue, Schwoz looked at (y/n) and whispered in her ear.
"Change places with me." The woman furrowed her eyebrows, taking her focus off the game for a moment.
"Why?"
"So, I can make move on lady teacher," Schwoz smirked at her, but she wasn't amused.
"Ray will kill you." Did this guy never learn?
"Just move." She slid down the bench with a sigh, as Schwoz took Ray's place and began to flirt in the teacher's ear.
Henry was struggling against the man he was playing with. He just didn't have the height to get around him, so every time he tried to shoot, Corbit took the ball from his hands and scored against him.
"Henry, try and score this time." Oliver Pook called from the sidelines.
"Thanks, Oliver!" Henry said to the boy sarcastically. As if he was letting Shawn win. Making another run up the court, he aimed and fired, but once again, the ball was smacked out of his hands, ran back down the court and passed through the opposite hoop. It carried on and on until Shawn was way past the set benchmark of ten goals.
"Come on, grandma. Anyone can make instant oatmeal." Shawn even made a phone call during the match, and Henry still wasn't able to score.
Henry was starting to tire and lose faith as the score went past 0-26. Shawn gave him back the ball, appearing to let him score just once, but as soon as he jumped, the ball was slapped out of his hands.
"How is this fair?" (y/n) said to no one in particular since the Spanish teacher was still being 'Schwoz'd' and Ray was still in the line for lemonade.
"I thought we were only playing to ten," Henry questioned the coach, nothing that he was 32 goals down.
"Oh yeah. Game over! Shawn wins! Have a nice life, Henry." The coach blew his whistle, officially ending the game, and he put his arm around the victor. Henry looked depressed as he went to his stuff on the sidelines.
"One lemonade for me and one lemonade for..." Ray came back over to his friends and saw Schwoz making out with the teacher as (y/n) typed away on her phone.
"Schwoz!" He yelled, making the small man jump up and run away, afraid that the larger man would hurt him.
"Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?!" Ray screeched, his fist closing around one of the lemonades, making it burst all over the floor. The teacher reached for the still intact cup, but Ray looked at her with wide eyes and pulled it out of her reach.
"No, no, no. No lemonade for you." He said to her with a miffed face. (y/n) stood up and put her phone back in her pocket.
"Come on, Casanova. She isn't worth it." She smiled at her friend and led him away from the pouty teacher, who clearly just wanted some free lemonade.
~After the match~
"Hey." Shawn Corbit walked up to Henry and sat down.
"Hi." The teen didn't really feel like talking to the man that beat him for a place on the basketball team.
"I'm sorry, man." The large male looked down in shame.
"Hey, you won fair and square," Henry said dejectedly.
"No, I didn't," Shawn revealed.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not 14," Shawn whispered to him, although it was pretty obvious already.
"I didn't think so. How old are you?" Henry asked him, wanting to know what the coach had pulled.
"I'm 26. I'm a grown man. I work at Master Prize Rent-A-Car." The tall man divulged his real identity.
"Well, how do you know Coach Bix?" The boy looked at him, not believing what he was hearing.
"He came in to rent a car. He pulled me aside and said, 'I want you to come play basketball for me.'" The man told the story."
"And you said okay?"
"No, I said no."
"Then why are you playing ball for him?" Henry asked, not seeing why Shawn would agree to play against a bunch of kids.
"Because he kidnapped my Lulu." The man said in a teary voice.
~At the Man Cave~
"Who the hell is Lulu?" (y/n) asked Henry as he retold them everything Shawn had said to him.
"Shawn's puppy. She's a cockapoo." Henry explained to her as she stood next to Ray, who was sat down at the computer and trying to process the story.
"Wait a minute. So you're telling us that your coach kidnapped Shawn's puppy..." Ray started, wanting to know if he had all the facts correct.
"The cockapoo." (y/n) nodded at him.
"And now he's forcing Shawn to pretend he's 14-years-old so he can play in your junior high school basketball team?" It sounded really strange when Ray said it all out loud.
"Crazy, right?" Henry looked at them both.
"Uh, yeah. Coach Bix is insane." (y/n) told the boy.
"Coach won't give him the puppy back unless our team wins the state championship," Henry said, making Ray angrily take out his gum tube and pop a gumball.
"Oooh, you're chewing. What are you gonna do?" The teen looked at his boss with an excited expression.
"They are two things I hate in the world, and one of the is guys who kidnap other guys dogs to make them do stuff." Ray declared, moving away from the supercomputer so he could transform into his costume.
"What's the other thing?" Henry looked confused.
"Celery!" (y/n) immediately knew the answer, remembering when she first started working for Ray and he made her pick it out of his food. That was the first time he saw her temper blow up, and it was also one of the first times his heart skipped a beat when she spoke to him. No girl had ever stood up to Captain Man and resisted his charms, making him realise how special she was.
"Yeah." Henry agreed. He also disliked the green stem vegetable.
"It ruins tuna salad," Ray explained and the woman groaned.
"Ruins it," Henry said with him.
"I work with children." (y/n) grumbled, as Ray blew his bubble and became Captain Man.
~Coach Bix's House~
"Yeah, good old Salisbury steak." Coach Bix had only taken one bite of his dinner when his doorbell was pressed. He let out a groan and answered the door.
"Who is it?" He mumbled, still chewing his steak.
"Look through your peephole." Ray squeaked at him in a fake, high-pitched voice. The man looked through the hole, and that's when Ray punched through the door, knocking the guy backwards onto the sofa. He broke down the door and walked into the apartment, revealing himself to be Captain Man.
"Captain Man? Hey, I never said you could come in." The guy said to the superhero.
"Too bad, jerk." Ray snapped at the puppy-stealer. He crouched down by the dog cage next to the couch and freed the cute, little puppy. He could see why (y/n) wanted one so much.
"Hey, I didn't say you could touch that." Bix pointed a finger at the larger man.
"I didn't ask. Aw, you're a good baby. Aw, don't you worry, sweetheart." Ray cooed at the adorable creature, as he brought it into his arms.
"You better not take my puppy." The basketball coach seethed, but Ray wasn't scared of the pathetic man.
"It's not your puppy. Now, get in the cage." He hissed back.
"What? No, that's for a dog." The man protested.
"One..." Ray started to count.
"Maybe I'll get in the cage." The man submitted, not wanting to be on the receiving end of another one of Captain Man's punches. He crawled inside and Ray locked the door after him.
"Shawn, you can come in now." He called to the waiting man.
"Lulu!" He cried in joy at seeing his pet.
"Here you go." Ray passed her over, and Shawn was more than happy to cuddle her to her chest.
"Aw. Thanks, Captain Man." He smiled down at the squirming dog.
"Thank you, for liking puppies." The superhero smiled at the reunion.
"Come on, Lulu. Let's go buy matching sweaters." The man left with the puppy and Ray knew his work was done.
~Back at the Man Cave~
Henry was practising shooting a ball with Schwoz's techno-sleeve, Ray and (y/n) watching him with smiles on their faces.
"Whoa, yeah." He said when he scored the goal and patted the man's tummy in celebration. The elevator dinged and Schwoz stepped out sheepishly.
"Okay, I fixed the elevator."
"Good." Was all Ray said, so (y/n) took it upon herself to give the handyman the fitting recognition for his hard work.
"Thank you, Schwoz. I could never have fixed everything on my own." Her smiles and soft words made the man look at her bashfully.
"Yes, thank you. Now, leave my life." Ray's semi-polite tone turned cold, as he put his hands on his hips.
"Okay, boss," Schwoz said quietly, his distraught face breaking the young woman's heart.
"Ray..." Henry tried to reason with him.
"Stay out of this, Henry," Ray told him sternly, and (y/n) left his side, her face void of emotion.
"No, he can't go." Her face didn't move, but her eyes told them how she was really feeling.
"Goodbye, peoples. Schwoz out." The little man stepped into the elevator and pressed the button to close the door.
"Great. What happens next time something breaks around here?" Henery asked Ray.
"(y/n) can fix it," Ray said, as the woman blinked back tears.
"I don't know how! I can do some wiring and soldering but nothing like this." She sniffed and gesture to all the machinery in the Man Cave.
"No one else can fix this stuff." Henry pleaded, the woman steeling herself.
"Too bad. He's gone." Ray told him, but the elevator doors opened again.
"I still here." Schwoz waved and Henry and (y/n) smiled at Ray in hope.
"All right, Schwoz. You can have your old room back." Ray groaned and gave in. His best friend jumped on him, squealing with happiness that sank into his skin and made him smile with her.
"Yeah, baby!" Schwoz cheered and ran to join their hug. However, Schwoz wasn't (y/n) and his hugs didn't fill the larger man with love and joy in the same way.
"Get off!" He shrugged the foreign man off, but kept his arm around his best friend's waist, not ready to let go yet.
"Never leap on me again!" He pointed a finger at Schwoz, but (y/n) giggling at him, calmed him down quickly and the little guy ran off to reclaim his old bedroom.
Ray looked away in disgust at the thought of living with him again, but his face dropped into shock when (y/n) pressed a kiss to his lower cheek.
"Thank you." She smiled at him sweetly, her small peck making his heart beat faster than the ten-minute make-out session he had with the teacher earlier. Walking off, (y/n) left Ray in a daze with a stupid expression on his face.
"Schwoz! Don't touch anything till I get there!" She ran through the sprocket, intent on stopping the chaotic man in his wake before he could disturb the peace she kept in the headquarters.
Ray looked at Henry, his pupils dilated and his cheeks dusted with a pink blush. His hand still rested where her lips had been, making Henry grin.
"Should I leave the room?" He joked as Ray snapped out of his daydream.
"Shut up!" The superhero scolded him.
"All right, Ray... check this out." Henry moved on, taking off his goggles and the sleeve.
"No sleeve. Just the kid." Ray looked at him with a bored face. He knew that without the technology to help, Henry was terrible at basketball. Henry bounced the ball a few times, aimed and threw the ball at the hovering hoop, missing completely. The ball landed on a piece of equipment, which started sparking and short-circuiting from the blow.
"Schwoz?" They called the genius, as the machine stopped working.
"Don't tell (y/n) it was us," Ray said, holding his hand out for Henry to shake. His best friend would kill him if she found out they were playing basketball with sensitive apparatus around.
"Deal." They shook hands and smiled up at the two adults coming down from the sprocket.
"What have you done now?" (y/n) eyed them suspiciously.
"Nothing." They lied, and she still didn't believe them. There was always mischief going on down in the Man Cave.
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This summer, a Vancouver car mechanic named Max got a perplexing ping on his phone: Betty White was in Ukraine and needed his help. This was surprising because she had died on a Canadian highway back in January.
When Max last saw Betty White, his nickname for his Tesla Model Y Performance, they were both in rough shape after getting sideswiped on the highway. Max’s rotator cuff was torn in several places. The small SUV had bounced off multiple concrete barriers at high speed and was bashed in on all four corners, its wheels ripped to pieces. Coolant appeared to be leaking into the battery chamber. From his own work on EVs in the garage, Max knew that Betty was done for. “No auto shop would put a repair person at risk with that kind of damage,” says Max, whose last name isn’t being used out of doxing concerns. A damaged EV battery can become dangerous due to the risk of shocks, fire, and toxic fumes. His insurer agreed, and Betty was written off and sent to a salvage yard.
Months after he had last seen the car, Max’s Tesla app was now telling him that Betty needed a software update. It showed the car with an extra 200 kilometers on the odometer, fully charged, and parked in Uman, a town in Ukraine’s Cherkasy Oblast, midway between Kyiv and the front line with Russia’s invasion force. Minutes after that first ping, the app showed the car in service mode, suggesting Betty was undergoing repairs. “I thought it must be a mistake,” Max says.
There was no mistake. WIRED tracked Betty down to a Ukrainian auto auction website, looking good as new, maybe even better, with newly tinted windows and rearview mirrors wrapped in black. Betty 2.0 was being sold by “Mikhailo,” who wrote that the car had suffered “a small blow” in Canada and been repaired with original Tesla parts. The price, $55,000, was roughly the same as a new Model Y Performance costs in the US.
Betty White’s intercontinental resurrection was impressive but not unusual. For a long time, cars written off in North America have found their way to Eastern European repair shops willing to take on damage that US and Canadian mechanics won’t touch. In 2021, the most recent data available, Ukraine was a top-three destination for used US passenger vehicles sent overseas, close behind Nigeria and the United Arab Emirates. And Ukraine’s wreck importers and repairers are particularly known for their ingenuity. Some have made fixing EVs written off across the Atlantic into a specialty, helping to drive a surge in the number of electric vehicles on the country’s roads, even as the war with Russia rages.
Though few automakers sell new EVs in Ukraine, the share of newly registered vehicles that are fully electric, 9 percent, is about the same as in the US and nearly double that of neighboring Poland and the Czech Republic. Most of Ukraine’s refurbished EVs come from North America, and many arrive with major damage.
There’s a ready supply of crashed North American EVs in part because electrics are becoming more common, and also because in recent years, relatively new EVs with low mileage have been written off at a higher rate than their gas-powered equivalents, according to data from insurers. US and Canadian repair shops and insurers see them as more dangerous and difficult to fix. Scrapyards find it hard to make money from their parts and instead ship them abroad.
Ivan Malakhovsky is not afraid to work on cases like Betty White. His five-year-old repair business in Dnipro, in eastern Ukraine, fixes about 100 Teslas a month, roughly a fifth of them from overseas, and employs a staff that varies between six to 10 people. He’s currently away from home, serving with the Armed Forces of Ukraine, but he manages his workers, and sometimes makes software-mediated repairs, remotely. “We have problems in our lives and can fix them, whether a battery or a full-scale invasion,” says Malakhovsky. “Electric cars, electric car batteries—it’s no problem.”
An electric vehicle battery is made up of thousands of individual cells, which store and release energy. Sometimes, Malakhovsky says, he and his coworkers will break up large EV batteries damaged beyond repair and repurpose the cells to power electric scooters or even drones for the war effort. He says the vast majority of Teslas on Ukrainian roads were once involved in wrecks in North America.
The war has even boosted Ukraine’s EV resurrection business at times, by driving up gas prices and making electrics more attractive to drivers. Ukraine has a public charging network of some 11,000 chargers, according to Volodymyr Ivanov, the head of communications at Nissan Motor Ukraine—that’s more than the state of New York, and double the number in neighboring Poland. Since 2018, Ukraine’s government has removed most taxes and customs duties on used EV imports. In the US, electric vehicles tend to be expensive, and the average EV driver is still a high-income male homeowner. North American wrecks, Ukraine’s EV incentives, and its relatively low electricity prices have created a different picture.
“There is a joke here that all poor people are driving electric cars, and all the rich people are driving petrol cars,” says Malakhovsky. “Tesla is a common-people, popular car because it’s very cheap in maintenance.”
That’s a relatively recent development, says Hans Eric Melin, head of Circular Energy Storage, a UK-based consultancy that tracks the international flows of used EVs and batteries. He began watching the Ukraine market in particular a few years ago, after he noticed more ads for Nissan Leafs on auction sites listed in Ukrainian than in English. At the time, the Leaf, a pioneer among EVs, was essentially the only one that had been around long enough to develop a healthy used market. Over time, Ukraine’s electric fleet grew to encompass the full range of EVs sold around the world, including Teslas, as more cars hit the roads and aged or got into crashes.
Melin had suspected Ukraine’s EV boom would end with the war. “I was completely wrong,” he says. By this summer, Ukraine’s EV fleet had doubled since July 2021, to 64,312, according to data compiled by the Automotive Market Research Institute, a Ukrainian research and advocacy group.
Roman Tyschenko, a 25-year-old IT worker who lives in Kyiv, decided last September that he was sick of his Jeep’s $400-a-month gas bill. Friends had purchased used, damaged electric cars on an online auction website called Copart, a US-based public auto reseller with 200 locations around the world. He logged on and spent $24,000 on a gray 2021 Tesla Model Y that had taken a solid blow to its passenger side in Dallas, Texas. Its bumper was almost fully detached; its hood was tented; some of its airbags had deployed.
That Texan Model Y was likely declared totaled by an insurer. From there, it probably moved to a salvage auction in the US, where licensed exporters, salvage shops, and repairers tried to figure out how much value they could squeeze out of the wreck. The winner, or perhaps the insurer itself, listed the car on Copart, which made it available to anyone around the world who wanted a smashed-up Tesla and was willing to pay for shipping.
If Tyschenko hadn’t brought the Texan Tesla to Ukraine himself, it had a good chance of being shipped there anyway by someone who professionally flips cars to countries like Ukraine. These exporters look for wrecks potentially worth more than their scrap value, but little enough that an expensive US repair and resale wouldn’t make sense. Some ship vehicles directly to Ukrainian repairers and pay for the fix, while others import damaged cars and relist them for sale to Ukrainian buyers who can figure it out for themselves.
It takes a damaged North American car between one and five months to reach a nearby port. Before the war, wrecked cars headed to Ukraine’s Port of Odessa on the Black Sea. Since Russia invaded in 2022, they come through Klaipėda in Lithuania on the Baltic Sea, or Koper in Slovenia on the Adriatic, and are brought to Ukraine by truck. A shop like Malakhovsky’s can fix a Tesla in somewhere between one week and one year, depending on the damage.
Tyschenko arranged for his Model Y to be shipped to a local repair shop in Kyiv, where it arrived in February 2023, five months after he hit the Buy button online. The technician sent him videos of the EV’s ongoing revamp every few weeks, and Tyschenko stopped by to visit a handful of times. By May, he had paid the technician some $25,000 for his work and was driving the Model Y around Kyiv.
Two months later, the battery died and Tyschenko spent another $4,000 to replace it—a demonstration of the risks of electric vehicle rescues. Still, he’s happy with how things worked out, and now pays just $10 to $100 a month to refuel his car, depending on whether he charges at home or at public stations.
Finding parts to repair Teslas and other EVs can be a challenge. On Facebook and Telegram, groups like “Renault Zoe Club Ukraine” host thousands of EV owners who barter with each other for spare parts. Oleksandr Perepelitsa, a 25-year-old electric vehicle repairer in Kyiv, says that when he first began his work three years ago, he and his business partners would buy two wrecked Teslas from overseas to create a single working vehicle to sell to local Ukranians. “Even that was profitable for us,” he says. Now, business connections can send Tesla parts from the US or Europe, or repairers buy cheaper Chinese reproductions.
The success of Ukraine’s EV resurrection industry is the flip side of the failure of insurers and manufacturers in North America to figure out what to do when a shiny new EV becomes roadkill.
US insurers are more willing to write off vehicles of all kinds that in the past may have been fixed. New vehicle repairs have gotten more expensive, in part due to vehicles getting more complex and computerized, as well as a shortage of vehicle technicians. In the past decade, the damaged cars up for auction “are better and less damaged,” Copart CEO Jeff Liaw told investors on an earnings call this year.
Industry-wide data is hard to come by, but numerous sources suggest that EVs are more likely to be written off than gas-powered cars, and can be declared unfixable after even minor crashes. A Reuters analysis this year found that a “large portion” of damaged EVs sold for scrap were low-mileage, nearly-new vehicles. While one in 10 new cars sold in the US and Canada this year are forecasted to be electric, the infrastructure and expertise needed to assess and fix damaged EVs can be patchy. “In an ideal world, electric vehicles are as easy to repair as internal combustion engine vehicles,” says Mark Fry, research manager at Thatcham Research, which crunches auto market data for insurers and other clients. It recently found British EVs get written off at disproportionately high rates.
The main reason EV repairs are so tricky comes down to a lack of agreement on how to handle EV batteries after a crash. Worldwide, there is no industry standard for measuring battery health. Vehicle manufacturers sometimes refuse to sanction battery repairs because of liability concerns. “If you repair the battery, what's it going to be like after another two, three years and another 50,000 miles?” Fry says. It’s easier to let nearly new vehicles be declared dead than to find out.
The North American scrap industry is also somewhat leery of EVs, says Megan Slattery, a researcher at UC Davis who studies what happens to damaged EV batteries. Scrap businesses generally make money by taking cars apart to extract the most valuable widgets to resell. But dismantling a battery takes dedicated workers, equipment, and—most important of all—space, due to the fire risks of storing lithium-ion cells. Many mom-and-pop dismantlers don’t have any of that.
Plus, EVs tend to have simpler drivetrains, with more plastic and large, prefabricated body components that can’t be easily pulled apart. In some electric vehicles, the battery is built directly into the car’s structure, making it especially difficult to dismantle or repair. All of that means that exporters looking to sell to eager buyers abroad have less competition when bidding on totaled cars.
In the US, there’s increasing pressure to keep broken EVs from heading overseas. Regulators are concerned about safety, hoping to better track broken batteries through shipping channels as fears rise of fires sparked by used EVs, including on cargo ships. Another is to avoid dumping e-waste on countries without the means to recycle or repurpose, and instead keep the valuable minerals inside batteries local. Battery recycling startups have received vast amounts of private and public investment—both in Western Europe and the US, with funds from the Inflation Reduction Act—with a promise to help shore up raw material supply chains. But so far, they have received only a trickle of used batteries.
Policies that wind up choking off the export of EV wrecks would in some ways be a shame, Slattery says. More stringent European Union export rules for used cars and EV batteries in particular are one reason why the supply of Teslas to Eastern Europe is so dependent on North American wrecks. Without them, the electric revolution would be much less advanced in places like Ukraine, where US and Canadian write-offs have helped support the emergence of charger networks, trained repair specialists, and a wide familiarity and acceptance that electric propulsion is not just green but also practical.
In North America, there's a widespread belief that “people don't want electric vehicles and that it's just laws and regulations that push us to buy them,” says Melin, the used EV analyst. “There are other markets that want to have electrics.” It’s a testament to a system that is working, Melin adds, that used EVs end up in places like Ukraine, where new models are difficult to come by.
For Max in Vancouver, Betty White’s reappearance overseas did cause some headaches. The car was still logged into his Google, Netflix, and Spotify accounts, potentially allowing the new owners to access his personal data. When he asked Tesla support, he was advised to change his passwords, Max says. (Tesla did not respond to WIRED’s questions.)
But looking back on the crash, and now driving a new Model Y—named Black Betty—Max says his old car’s resurrection is the best possible outcome. “I’m happy to see that Betty White has lived to see another day,” he says.
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