#avengers during quaruntine

[xianarcissamalfoy]

Tony: It’s been so long since we’ve started quarantine... I’ve more gray hairs in my beard than ever... Shuri came to visit and try to help make a cure but now...

Peter & Shuri: the floor is lava!

Everyone in the room: *scrambles to get off the floor*

Tony: *gets knocked over by Clint*

Tony: *groaning* somebody get help

Thor: dId SoMeOnE sAy GeT hElP?!?!?!

Loki: No! Nobody said-

Thor: *picks up Loki and yeets him out the window* gEt HeLp!!!

Peter: Thor you should’ve said YeEt

Thor: what is this ‘yeet’ you speak of?

Peter & Shuri: wHaT?!

Peter: tHiS bItCh EmPtY

Peter: YeEtUs MaXiMuS

Shuri: *throws the table she was gripping at T’Challa’s head* yEeT

T’Challa: *just lays on the floor passed out*

Steve: What the fUcK

Clint: LaNgUaGe!!!!

Tony: *unamused*

Natasha: *slams head on the wall*

Clint: I thought it was funny

Sam: the only thing funny is Bucky’s life

Bucky: BoLd Of YoU tO aSsUmE i HaVe A LiFe

Steve: WeRe AlL gOnNa DiE iN hErE!!

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Stephen Strange: Okay everyone, it’s come to my attention that you are all losing your minds during quarantine.

Tony: *frantically* Stephen, my awesome facial hair bro, you gotta help me. I can’t live like this anymore!

Stephen: alright, everyone. Calm down, I’m going to help you all survive through quarantine.

Clint: how?! Bruce snapped all my arrows!

Bruce: Clint tried to eat my shoes!

Peter: pass me the weed!

Shuri: your dick is now a noodle!

Tony: *sobbing in a corner*

Natasha: *hugging an empty vodka bottle* all my vodka! My poor, poor vodka!

T’Challa: *eating Nutella by the spoonful while laying on the island*

Steve: *bangs his head on the shield* ow!

Bucky: I told you not to do that

Steve: *pouts*

Steve: ....

Steve: *headbutts the glass wall*

Bucky: oh my fucking-

Sam: *bites Bucky’s metal arm* dude you taste horrible

Bucky: *crying*

Thor: *chasing Vision in just a towel* give me back Mjölnir!

Vision: *running around* no!

Wanda: *rocking back and forth inside a bubble made of her powers* We’re all gonna die we’re all gonna die we’re all gonna die

Pietro: I just finished running around the entire world, three times and my head nearly got blown off with a shotgun!

Pietro: *sees his reflection in the glass wall*

Pietro: well hello gorgeous

Pietro: *continues to flirt with his reflection*

Rhodey: I’m planning a missile launch on China you guys!

Harley Keener: *walks in, sips his Red Bull*

Harley Keener: ....

Harley Keener: *walks out*

Nick Fury: get your selves together!

Nick Fury: *locks eyes with Natasha*

Natasha: *growls*

Nick Fury: uh, g-good agent, good agent

Natasha: *pounces and beats him with her vodka bottle*

Nick Fury: Why’s it always the females?!

Stephen Strange: Yep. We’re all gonna die.

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Kit: *talking into the camera* so it’s been a few hours since I got all my stuff moved in

Kit: yeah I knew that I was gonna go crazy living here but it’s better than out in the streets

Kit: but I trusted that Mr Stark wouldn’t let anything happen to me

Kit: I was wrong

Three hours ago——

Kit: hey mister stark I lost my Harry Styles poster can you help me—

Kit: What the fuck

Pietro: *talking to the shirtless Harry Styles poster taped on the glass window* So mista Styles,

Pietro: I heard you like bad boys

Pietro: *takes a drag from a cigarette before hacking*

Pietro: o-oh *cough* s- *cough* shit

Kit: What the fuck is happening

Peter: hey Kit, Steve asked if you could grab his shield and bring it to him

Kit: *grabs the shield* yeah sure where is-

Shuri: this bitch empty!

Kit: yeet! *throws the shield in a random direction and nearly beheads Steve*

Kit: fuck

Ten minutes of Steve chasing her with a bowling pin later—

Kit: alright alright I yield!

Kit: *pants*

Steve: you touched Shiela!

Kit: you named your shield Shiela?

Steve: don’t talk about her like you know her!

Steve: *war cries before getting run over by Thor*

Thor: give me back Mjölnir!

Vision: I’ll give it back

Vision: if you can catch me!

Kit: Pietro, Harry told me he’s really scared of what you’re doing...

Pietro: *twerking on the glass*

Pietro: lies! He loves me!

Kit: ok then

—Baby Got Back starts playing over the intercom—

Clint: *from the air vents* I like big butts and I cannot lie!

Clint: *jumps out of the vent in just his boxers* all my other brothers can’t deny, when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face

Clint: *joins Pietro in the twerking* twerking competition!

Peter: *walking on the ceiling*

Bucky: ah, spider

Peter: no no wait!

Bucky: *hits Peter with a broom repeatedly* I got it

Shuri: Peter, Peter! I have a great idea!

Shuri: *sprays Peter in the face with a water bottle*

Peter: *hisses* peppermint?!!

Shuri: *laughs evilly*

Tony: *clinging to Bucky’s leg* Jesus take the wheEEEEEEEEL

Bucky: For the last time Tony I’m not Jesus and this is not heaven

Tony: so we really are in hell?!

Bucky: *screeches*

Steve: *attempts to ice a cupcake*

Steve: *piping bag explodes*

Steve: *has hot pink icing all over his face*

Steve: FuCk ThIs

Wanda: *attempts to meditate*

Wanda: *opens one eye*

Wanda: Pietro get your goddamn pants back on!

Kit:...

Kit: I’m too sober for this

Kit: *looks at Natasha who’s currently chugging her thirtieth bottle of vodka*

Kit: I’m just gonna... *runs back to her room and slams the door*

An hour later——

Tony: who the mother fucking hell left crap on my carpet?!

Everyone: *freezes*

Tony: well?!

Everyone:....

Tony:.....

Everyone:....

Tony: alright you don’t want to tell me? Fine. I guess we’ll just have to, go to court

Everyone: *gasps*

—In the court room—

Judge Pepper: Tony, state your case

Tony: someone left a pile of crap on my carpet

Tony: and I believe it was...

Tony: *turns around quickly and points a dramatic finger at Clint* Bird Boy!

Everyone: *gasps*

Judge Pepper: *bangs the gavel* do you have any evidence regarding your theory?

Tony: well, Friday, pull up the tape from twenty minutes before I found... the thing

*The flat screen TV shows Clint and Pietro twerking against the glass*

Clint: I really have to take a shit man

Pietro: then go take a shit

Clint: really?

Pietro: yeah man

Pietro: take a shit

Pietro: and loooooose!

Clint: *growls*

Pietro: *laughs*

Clint: Fine! I won’t take a shit!

Pietro: you’re gonna shit yourself, you’re gonna shit yourself!

Clint: no I’m not! Tasha, bring me that bucket!

Pietro: *dramatic gasp*

Pietro: you wouldn’t

Clint: *smirking* oh but I would

—Clip ends—

Tony: so you see your honor,

Tony: it had to have been Clint

Tony: it’s the same corner as the one he was in when he crapped in the bucket

—Dramatic whispers in the crowd—

Judge Pepper: *bangs gravel* order! Order in the court!

Judge Pepper: Clinton Francais Barton, what do you have to say?

Clint: *stands* Your honor, if I may, I’d like to call in a witness

—More dramatic whispers—

Judge Pepper: order!

Judge Pepper: bring in the witness

Pietro: *walks in, wearing a snazzy suit and sunglasses*

Pietro: *tilts head and sunglasses down at Kit*

Pietro: *fans out a deck of cards*

Pietro: pick a card, any card

Kit: *picks a card*

Pietro: now put it back in the deck.

Pietro: *shuffles the deck behind his back*

Pietro: is this, *pulls out a card with his number on it* your card?

Kit: no I had an ace of hearts

Pietro: that’s because, *smiles widely* you stole my heart *winks*

Kit: o k t h e n

Pietro: *stands before Pepper*

Pietro: your honor, I can confirm that Mr Barton, did not in fact, take a crap on Tony’s carpet

—Dramatic gasps—

Judge Pepper: Mr Barton, Pietro, are you prepared to stand by that

Judge Pepper: during the lie detector?

Pietro: yes your honor

Clint: anything to clear my name, your honor

Judge Pepper: *nods at Wanda*

Wanda: *uses her powers to go into their heads*

Wanda: *gasps*

Judge Pepper: Well?

Wanda: your honor

Wanda: the truth is...

To be continued—

[xianarcissamalfoy]

Tony: guys this is Kit

Kit: hi

Tony: she here to try and help us

Kit: Yep

Tony:.....

Kit:....

Tony: sooooooo

Kit: oh, right

Kit:....

Peter & Shuri: *watching how to survive quarantine videos on YouTube*

Steve & Bucky: *having a push-up competition while Clint and Natasha sit on top of them and gossip*

Wanda&Pietro: *trying to kill each other over who gets the remote*

Thor: *snoring*

Loki: *watching Kit*

Bruce: *snaps another handful of Clint’s arrows*

T’Challa: *sobbing while still eating Nutella*

Stephen: *loudly crunching on Cheerios while blasting Beyoné*

Fury: *dead*

Sam: HeY nOw

Sam: YoU’rE aN aLl StAr

Sam: GeT yOuR gAMe On

Kit:....

Kit: *turns to Tony*

Tony: well?

Kit: there’s no saving you

Tony: we’re going to hell aren’t we

Kit: yEp