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greyeyedmonster-18 · 2 years

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blame it on the weatherman

( a title that i came up with while marginally intoxicated and has very little to do with the fic; please enjoy my submission for Banana Train Covid Fic Fest.)

rita skeeter/gilderoy lockhart

cw: this is absolutely wretched. cursed flirting. banana mouth juices.

Rain, Rita decided, was the bane of her entire existence. Anyone who claimed to love rainy, stormy, cloudy days had apparently never had to take a train in one, which ended in a late arrival to an important meeting and soaked suede loafers that were decidedly not the choice for the in-climate weather. She had somehow made it through her meeting, trying to muster a modicum of professionalism while looking like a drowned rat, umbrella left at home, blonde curls plastered along her forehead and mascara streaming down her face, and was now able to sit in her absolute misery on the train heading back to her overpriced flat, rain still pounding on the windowpane behind her head.

The train smelled of smoke and washed-up dreams as she ran over the points she had missed in the meeting and another lost freelance journalism opportunity. Though, it would’ve gone entirely differently had the weather been different. She was certain

Ms. Skeeter, I’m not sure your…style is the right fit for this newspaper. We have a very firm policy on integrity and… fact-checking.

Blame her bad luck on the weather.

Blame my good luck on me.

She tapped her red nails against her teeth like a keyboard for a moment before absently chewing on a corner, chipping off the polish as the train stopped to let on more passengers. She pulled out her mobile phone from the inside of her bag, starting to scroll through her emails to see if there were any open calls she had missed or if any other jobs had emailed her back, only to see the blue wheel turn and her screen remain the same.

Again.

Just one more time to make sure, only half paying attention to the blue Chelsea boots that sat across from her. She paused her scrolling to let her eyes wander up trim calves trapped in tight black skinny jeans, continuing to a teal button-down shirt with an emerald green coat thrown over the top. The man's own blonde curls were perfectly coiffed, pushed back from his face, the umbrella he had remembered beside him.

His smile was enough to knock her out, fling her off the train and into oncoming traffic, it was so bright and brilliant. She attempted to return it, heart fluttering, certain she just looked somewhere between uncomfortable and unbelievably constipated.

“Excuse me, miss?” he said almost immediately

“Me?”

“I’m looking right at you, aren’t I?”

“Right, uh, hello.”

“You’ve got something on your teeth,” he said, and Rita immediately blushed, clapping her hand over her mouth.

Bad luck on the fucking weather.

She scrubbed one of her fingers over her teeth, pulling it away to see red pieces of nail polish now on the tip of her finger, grimacing slightly, “Did…I get it?” she asked.

The man merely smiled again, “Not quite, let me?”

Rita leaned forward in her seat across the aisle, lifting her lips to expose her teeth, just enough for the other man to rub his finger across her canine tooth a few times before pulling away.

“See. All set,” he said, sitting back in his chair, and Rita did the same.

“Do you always stick your finger in strangers' mouths?” she asked.

“Not a stranger if I get your name.”

She cleared her throat, “Uh…Rita.”

“Gilderoy,” he returned with another smile, “I do stick fingers in the mouths of people I know, however.”

“Strange hobby.”

“I’m a dentist.”

“That…that makes a lot more sense,” she muttered, looking down at her knee caps, for the first time noticing the run in her pantyhose just below the hemline of her tweed skirt. She pulled at the bottom of the fabric, hoping Gilderoy hadn’t noticed the way he had noticed chips of nail polish from across the aisle and the way he was probably noticing how much she had started sweating despite the weather outside.

“Your gums felt very healthy, on the bright side.”

“At least I have that going for me…think I could put that on a resume?”

“Healthy gums? Absolutely. It’s one of the first things I look for when hiring. No need for a resume. I just need a smile.”

Rita bit back the comment that hiring on smiles felt like a poor way to run a business and instead chose to stare out the window behind the man's head. Caught in the pouring rain, late to a meeting, torn pantyhose--she might as well have let a handsome man pick nail polish out of her teeth that day. Just as she was certain, her luck was turning around, that maybe a man on the train was smiling at her because he found soggy-cardboard-box couture endearing instead of just trying to prevent her from embarrassing herself even further. If Gilderoy's smile didn’t send her into oncoming traffic, another mortifying instance and another case of bad luck was certainly going to. Rita dared to focus back in on the man who was now eating a banana and looking expectantly at Rita.

Had she been staring too long?

Had he thought she was staring at him?

Did he--

Gilderoy extended his hand across the aisle, giving her another smile.

And just as she did with the nail polish, Rita leaned forward and took a bite of a perfect strangers--well, perhaps not strangers, they were on a first-name basis and intimately involved via teeth picking-- banana. She choked it down, eyes watering, trying not to gag, having to finish chewing, gumming? Mushing? Remembering she didn’t particularly enjoy bananas and, for some reason, had accepted a bite from someone else. Her mouth was now coated in remnants of red nail polish and someone else's banana-mouth juices.

“Do you always take bites of other people's bananas?” Gilderoy asked.

“First time.”

“You’re excellent at it.”

“I’ll add it to my resume alongside healthy gums.”

“I’d hire you, I think.”

“Are you looking?” she asked offhandedly, swallowing down her pride with the last bit of banana. If she couldn’t be a writer, she could at least work in a dentist's office alongside an obscenely handsome man with impeccable fashion sense. “Not that I know…anything about teeth. Other than…I have them.”

“What do you know about then?”

“I’m supposed to be a writer. Apparently, my work is what most papers call trite and frivolous, though.”

“A writer?” The man asked around a mouthful of his banana and leaned forward again, “Of all the happenstances…I happen to be looking for one.”

“A biography for your dental website?” she asked.

“Think….bigger.”

“An…actual biography?”

He leaned forward, smiling slightly, “Rita...have you ever heard of…a long-con?”

Blame my good luck on me.

#banana train covid fic fest #rita skeeter #gilderoy lockhart #cursed bullshit

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theresthesnitch · 2 years

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Banana Train Covid Fic Fest

What *is* that?

I'm so glad you asked! You see, once upon a time, in a discord far away, @aqua-myosotis came to tell us a story that had her mortified and us all dying of laughter. So, in order to console our dear friend Cece, we did the only reasonable thing we could do.

We turned it into a writing fest.

We each took a different ship and told the exact same story. So pick your favorite writer, pick your favorite ship, or read every single one of them, because it is hilarious every time.

Completed fics:

I’m not in LOve by @blitheringmcgonagall ship: Jily (James/Lily) Summary: I'm not in love / So don't forget it / It's just a silly phase I'm going through

Before the Last Train Home by @mollymarymarie ship: Moonseeker (Remus/Regulus) Summary: On his way to a blind date, Remus meets a handsome stranger on the train and FOR SOME REASON takes a bite of a banana he's offered by said stranger.

Love Bite by @theresthesnitch ship: Wolfstarbucks (Remus/Sirius/James) Summary: Remus really just wants to have a carriage to himself for the train ride. Or he did, until Sirius comes in. He's even more willing to share when James comes in. Turns out, they might be willing to share, too.

Blame it on the Weatherman by @greyeyedmonster-18 ship: Beetlehart (Rita Skeeter/Gilderoy Lockhart) Summary: business transactions are final, if and only if, they include bananas (note: she’s posting to tumblr, so check her page or come back for a link later!)

Love in the time of Bananas by @aqua-myosotis ship: Drarry (Draco/Harry) Summary: A train, a banana - Classic Drarry.

In Progress:

Starkillerchaser by @fuckboyregulus

Wolfstar by @elder-millennial-trash

Sirius/Benjy by @caz66

Flintwood by @krethes

Have fun everyone! We did.

#banana train covid #fic fest #just discord things

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