#cursed bullshit

[greyeyedmonster-18]

blame it on the weatherman

( a title that i came up with while marginally intoxicated and has very little to do with the fic; please enjoy my submission for Banana Train Covid Fic Fest.)

rita skeeter/gilderoy lockhart

cw: this is absolutely wretched. cursed flirting. banana mouth juices.

-

Rain, Rita decided, was the bane of her entire existence. Anyone who claimed to love rainy, stormy, cloudy days had apparently never had to take a train in one, which ended in a late arrival to an important meeting and soaked suede loafers that were decidedly not the choice for the in-climate weather. She had somehow made it through her meeting, trying to muster a modicum of professionalism while looking like a drowned rat, umbrella left at home, blonde curls plastered along her forehead and mascara streaming down her face, and was now able to sit in her absolute misery on the train heading back to her overpriced flat, rain still pounding on the windowpane behind her head.

The train smelled of smoke and washed-up dreams as she ran over the points she had missed in the meeting and another lost freelance journalism opportunity. Though, it would’ve gone entirely differently had the weather been different. She was certain

Ms. Skeeter, I’m not sure your…style is the right fit for this newspaper. We have a very firm policy on integrity and… fact-checking. 

Blame her bad luck on the weather.

Blame my good luck on me. 

She tapped her red nails against her teeth like a keyboard for a moment before absently chewing on a corner, chipping off the polish as the train stopped to let on more passengers. She pulled out her mobile phone from the inside of her bag, starting to scroll through her emails to see if there were any open calls she had missed or if any other jobs had emailed her back, only to see the blue wheel turn and her screen remain the same. 

Again.

Just one more time to make sure, only half paying attention to the blue Chelsea boots that sat across from her. She paused her scrolling to let her eyes wander up trim calves trapped in tight black skinny jeans, continuing to a teal button-down shirt with an emerald green coat thrown over the top. The man's own blonde curls were perfectly coiffed, pushed back from his face, the umbrella he had remembered beside him.

His smile was enough to knock her out, fling her off the train and into oncoming traffic, it was so bright and brilliant. She attempted to return it, heart fluttering, certain she just looked somewhere between uncomfortable and unbelievably constipated.

“Excuse me, miss?” he said almost immediately

“Me?”

“I’m looking right at you, aren’t I?”

“Right, uh, hello.”

“You’ve got something on your teeth,” he said, and Rita immediately blushed, clapping her hand over her mouth.

Bad luck on the fucking weather.

She scrubbed one of her fingers over her teeth, pulling it away to see red pieces of nail polish now on the tip of her finger, grimacing slightly, “Did…I get it?” she asked.

The man merely smiled again, “Not quite, let me?” 

Rita leaned forward in her seat across the aisle, lifting her lips to expose her teeth, just enough for the other man to rub his finger across her canine tooth a few times before pulling away.

“See. All set,” he said, sitting back in his chair, and Rita did the same.

“Do you always stick your finger in strangers' mouths?” she asked. 

“Not a stranger if I get your name.”

She cleared her throat, “Uh…Rita.”

“Gilderoy,” he returned with another smile, “I do stick fingers in the mouths of people I know,  however.”

“Strange hobby.”

“I’m a dentist.”

“That…that makes a lot more sense,” she muttered, looking down at her knee caps, for the first time noticing the run in her pantyhose just below the hemline of her tweed skirt. She pulled at the bottom of the fabric, hoping Gilderoy hadn’t noticed the way he had noticed chips of nail polish from across the aisle and the way he was probably noticing how much she had started sweating despite the weather outside. 

“Your gums felt very healthy, on the bright side.”

“At least I have that going for me…think I could put that on a resume?”

“Healthy gums? Absolutely. It’s one of the first things I look for when hiring. No need for a resume. I just need a smile.” 

Rita bit back the comment that hiring on smiles felt like a poor way to run a business and instead chose to stare out the window behind the man's head. Caught in the pouring rain, late to a meeting, torn pantyhose--she might as well have let a handsome man pick nail polish out of her teeth that day. Just as she was certain, her luck was turning around, that maybe a man on the train was smiling at her because he found soggy-cardboard-box couture endearing instead of just trying to prevent her from embarrassing herself even further. If Gilderoy's smile didn’t send her into oncoming traffic, another mortifying instance and another case of bad luck was certainly going to. Rita dared to focus back in on the man who was now eating a banana and looking expectantly at Rita.

Had she been staring too long?

Had he thought she was staring at him? 

Did he--

Gilderoy extended his hand across the aisle, giving her another smile.

And just as she did with the nail polish, Rita leaned forward and took a bite of a perfect strangers--well, perhaps not strangers, they were on a first-name basis and intimately involved via teeth picking-- banana. She choked it down, eyes watering, trying not to gag, having to finish chewing, gumming? Mushing? Remembering she didn’t particularly enjoy bananas and, for some reason, had accepted a bite from someone else. Her mouth was now coated in remnants of red nail polish and someone else's banana-mouth juices. 

“Do you always take bites of other people's bananas?” Gilderoy asked.

“First time.”

“You’re excellent at it.”

“I’ll add it to my resume alongside healthy gums.”

“I’d hire you, I think.”

“Are you looking?” she asked offhandedly, swallowing down her pride with the last bit of banana. If she couldn’t be a writer, she could at least work in a dentist's office alongside an obscenely handsome man with impeccable fashion sense. “Not that I know…anything about teeth. Other than…I have them.”

“What do you know about then?”

“I’m supposed to be a writer. Apparently, my work is what most papers call trite and frivolous, though.”

“A writer?” The man asked around a mouthful of his banana and leaned forward again, “Of all the happenstances…I happen to be looking for one.”

“A biography for your dental website?” she asked.

“Think….bigger.”

“An…actual biography?”

He leaned forward, smiling slightly, “Rita...have you ever heard of…a long-con?”

Blame my good luck on me.

[confusedlamb]

sorry chapter 3 of idv fifth academy isn’t out yet, have a bonus jack

[narwhalsarefalling]

the problem with being in academia while having a not-very-common american surname is that you and your cousins always get a “3% plagiarized” score because we all have published papers under our last names.

this WOULD be solved if any of my 3 academia cousins changed their last names when they got married, but they already had their PHDs/MDs at that point and it was legally and logistically too much of a headache.

so anytime i have to turn in a paper it always has this “3% plagiarized” score on turnitin just because of my full name. and it ALWAYS gets flagged in the system JUST because of ONE unique word.

[egophiliac]

(it probably wasn't actually Idia's fault)

(or was it)

some quick initial reactions to celebrate Diasomnia Day One! it felt like a bit of a short intro, but oh, what a tasting menu of things to come.

[mblue-art]

hhappy pocky day 11/11!! here's some self-indulgence ft oreo man///

[cpunkwitch]

"you shouldnt get it, you'll just become reliant on it"

"you dont need it you just want attention and special treatment"

"youre not actually disabled-"

i curse you with spontanious combustion.

[yaralulu]

Sjm had the chance to show us that something was happening between vassa and lucien when cassian visited them in acosf but instead we got jurian teasing vassa and lucien literally playing third wheel.Sjm could’ve veryyy easily made it so lucien was the one doing the teasing but she didn’t.She had her shot and she most definitely did not shoot it.Not a single indication of vassien in that scene,just proof of what lucien has been telling us since acofas—vassa and jurian want to smash 🤷.

[bishiglomper]

Smut writers who keep true to Alastor's sex-repulsed asexuality but put him through the struggle of being horny asf are the real MVPs

They're so real for that (o´ω｀)ノ+･｡*

[hiraeth-daydreams]

Living well with your aromanticism, not despite of it, gets easier when you notice that this world wasn't made for you. You are not restricted by expectations, you don't have to follow a pre-planned course of steps to what happiness should be at; being aromantic can bring upon you the will to mold your life to whatever shape you want, because you know fully well what's expected won't fulfill you. Instead, you have the power and time to find what does.

You can live alone, unabashedly happy, surrounded by the little things that give you comfort.

You can build meaningful, long-lasting relationships that have not even a hint of romance.

You can have fleeting relations with people that make you feel good and not deepen your bond.

You can have one-night stands and leave before the morning comes if it feels right for you.

You can be present in your family or community, helping and being helped by people you trust and feel like a gift of being part of.

You can hear stories from the mouth of your companions and elders, and tell your own.

You can find beauty where people don't usually care to look at, revel in how much wonder is within you.

You can do what people usually feel like they need a romantic partner to do, without the limitations or complications one would need to fit themself around; ranging for dates to caring for children.

You can pursue hobbies, engage with art and craftsmanship, explore nature, do research, fill your days with the joy of creation all by yourself, just because you can.

The world was not built for you, but it doesn't mean it can't fill your days with joy, or that you can never belong in it. There is so much more than romance.

[nat-20s]

Pitching Red Dwarf to people as "it's like if Doctor Who was exclusively about roughly the same four people all of whom fucking suck. It is one of the best sci-fi shows in existence. So much of it is so so bad."

[quirkle2]

so what if . slime rancher au

[the-real-sasuke-uchiha]

Shikamaru buried the murderer of his sensei alive and you don't call that "curse of hatred". Imagine what he would have done if someone exterminated his whole family and grave robbed them to implant stolen body parts on themselves. I honestly think you don't appreciate me for how trully chill and rational I am in comparison to the average shinobi.

[ventiswampwater]

AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981)  dir. John Landis

[overtake]

It’s objectively great for Daniel that he does not hold intense grudges against the people who wrong him because I know he’s living life happy and unburdened by the type of never-ending primal rage I feel on his behalf. However, I fear I must compensate for his positive attitude because some of these people do deserve retribution. I am constantly feeding pure wrath & fury into the universe for him so karma might still come back at them.

[the-curators-bullshit]

ummmm okay so your local mysterious tour guide barbie is like so incredibly happy rn for ✨secret✨ reasons and wants to be flooded with rickroll links so she can spread the joy :)

who has some ????

[hyprlnk-blckd]

when i can't get myself to start drawing i will do. this. and. 75% of the time i will be able to start drawing and i. h