#bandernsatch au

[titleleaf]

for the fic ask: 1 3 8

1. What's the fic you're most proud of?

forest in the desert (LA Confidential, Ed Exley/Jack Vincennes, 14.3k) has the grim distinction of having been the fic I loved the most riiiiight before all the shit came out about Kevin Spacey (including his actions while making that same fucking movie) so it's in shitty-actor purgatory now.

Technique-wise, I'm really proud of this is the hand (Black Mirror: Bandernsatch, Stefan Butler/Colin Ritman) -- it's a relatively short fic but written in CYOA/branching storyline format to mimic the game itself. It's not a sophisticated set of storylines or a complicated game but I had so much fun working it all out. It's playable in Twine! Imagine how many more of my unhinged projects could be Twine games too!

3. What fic are you emotionally attached to?

deep red bells (The Stand - Stephen King, Nadine Cross, 2.3k) is maybe the completed fic of my own I think about most often. I'd love to expand it but maybe it's fine as it is.

8. Does anyone in your personal life know you write fic? If not, would you tell anyone?

People I know from fandom IRL know I write fic (but generally don't read what I write, lol) and my older sister, who introduced me to fandom, definitely knows. My mother knows that my friends write fanfiction, but she writes original fiction and her opinion of fic is pretty low. She doesn't get why anyone wouldn't just make up something completely wholesale original in plot (she's a big plot-oriented person) and doesn't have much suspension of disbelief for stuff that from a fandom POV seems obvious to me. (Like "how is it possible that all the members of BTS are all gay in this zombie apocalypse RPF AU, that seems statistically unlikely", or "why do people enjoy this danmei if it doesn't accurately represent the experiences of gay and bisexual men in present-day China". Rigorous realism only, hdu.)

[imaginedisish]

I Can’t Lose You (Colin Ritman x Reader) (Bandersnatch)

A/N: LADIES AND GENTS LET ME TELL YOU I AM WINDED. This took SO LONG. It’s SO LONG. No one asked for this, but I’m sad and oddly emotional due to crazy things from the past????? Idk, enough of my drama y’all came for the imagine...here’s some crazy angst WITH LOADS OF FLUFF DON’T WORRY!!!!! I won’t be able to post tomorrow, but I will DEF BE POSTING THE OTIS SMUT AND THE COLIN FLUFF ON SUNDAY!!!!!! IT’S GONNA ACTUALLY HAPPEN PEOPLE! ANYWAY, PLS ENJOY THIS!!!!!

Summary: Colin reveals his past trauma with his father to the reader, and the old man pays an unwanted visit.

Warnings: Mentioned/implied child abuse/physical abuse, implied fighting, mentioned/implied mental abuse, lots of language, angst, FLUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Word Count: 2,318 uuuuuuuuuuwwwwwuuuuugggggghhhh so long

Your forehead presses against the cold and unwelcoming glass, yet you stay exactly where you are, peering down at the city street underneath you. It’s dark and late, the only light coming from other buildings and neon signs. The few people walking below look so small, so insignificant compared to the problems happening up above, yet the movement made your heart clench with fear. 

One of those people would be Colin, and in practically no time at all he would come up to your shared flat, and then… 

Well you didn’t know what would happen past that, specifically because you didn’t want to. You just knew that Colin hadn’t been there, that he had been so rushed with you lately. You were tired of it. After dating him for three years, and knowing each other for even longer, you expected more from him. It wasn’t even as though you expected perfection. 

You simply expected his love. 

The love he promised he would never be able to lose. 

You and Colin had clicked instantly. In fact, you had a crush on him from the very first second you saw him. You were going to meet your friend, Stefan, who worked at Tuckersoft, for lunch when you came across the blonde haired boy. He charmed you with the cock of an eyebrow, the glimmer of his crystal blue eyes. A slight adjustment of his square, silver frames, a quick kick to obnoxiously rest his feet on the desk in front of him, and you were all his. 

But it felt like things had changed. You imagined that on the nights that he told you he was working late, he was really with another woman. 

Maybe Kitty came back? Maybe it’s someone new? You think to yourself. The “Kitty” scenario was the scariest to you, because it was the most realistic. Kitty had left Colin three months before you and he started dating, and she took Pearl with her. You were Colin’s best friend at the time, and you consoled him throughout the whole ordeal. If she came back all of a sudden, especially with Pearl, you thought maybe, just maybe, Colin would go back to her. 

When you asked Stefan, about it, he immediately shut you down. “No way, Colin legitimately is working on his game. Don’t worry (Y/N), we both know how Colin was when Kitty left, and just from that I can easily tell you he’d never go back to her,” Stefan had reassuringly said to you. A week later, you still didn’t believe him.

Suddenly, you hear the handle of the door to your flat twist, bringing you back to reality as keys jingle from the other side of the door. You immediately tense up, goosebumps spreading up and down your arms. You shudder, swallowing deeply as you push your fly-aways behind your ears. The door opens, and a familiar, tall, blonde figure trods into the flat. 

He removes his glasses and rubs his face tiredly, too caught up in his exhaustion to even notice you sitting on the couch as he passes you right by. 

“Colin, it’s one in the morning,” You choke as you feel the inevitable tears rush to your eyes. 

Colin jumps at your words. “Jesus Christ I didn’t see you there, love,” Colin mumbles, walking over to the couch, a hand brushing through his platinum blonde hair. He stands in front of you, placing his silver rims back on the bridge of his nose. He smiles lightly, and you shake your head. 

“We need to talk, Colin,” You finally muster the courage to say. Colin glances at you, a confused look spreading across his face. He pushes his silver rims farther up the bridge of his nose and takes a deep breath. 

“Look, I know I haven’t been home very often, but I-,”

You cut Colin off, holding back your tears with all of the strength inside of you. “Just stop, Colin. I feel like I don’t know you anymore. It isn’t that you aren’t home very often, you’re practically never home at all,” You pause, collecting your thoughts. “You leave before I wake up, and you come home when I’m already sleeping. And God, when you are home you’re such jackass to me…” You trail off, not sure how to go on. Those words hurt to say more than you thought they would. 

“I know and I’m so-,” 

You cut him off again, “Listen, if you don’t love me anymore,” You pause, taking a deep breath as tears roll down your cheeks, “just fucking tell me now. We can’t keep doing this Colin. I can’t keep doing this.” 

Colin shakes his head as he takes a seat in the chair next to you. His elbows rest on his knees, and he puts his head in his hands. “You really think I’ve fallen out of love with you, don’t you?” Colin asks, looking up for a split second before crashing back down to where he was. 

You nod. “Yes,” You say, studying his position. He looks miserable, almost as if your accusations and assumptions made him feel even worse than he had been. He really didn’t see this coming, You think to yourself.

“That’s absolutely fucking ridiculous,” He says, standing up abruptly. He paces the room angrily. “I’d do anything for you. I’d sell my soul, I’d jump in front of a train, hell I’d jump off the bloody balcony!” Colin shouts like a mad man, pointing towards the terrace as his ocean eyes grow wider, his nostrils flaring. You stare at each other intensely for a second, before he proceeds to pace back and forth across the flat. 

“Then why don’t you act like it, Colin?” You scream finally, standing up now as well. Colin stops pacing, his back now facing you. Silence falls upon the room once again. It feels like hours go by, and Colin still says nothing. 

“Fine,” You mumble, “Then I guess I’m leaving…” You trail off, running into the bedroom, ready to collect your things and leave. You hear Colin’s feet shuffle across the floor as he chases behind you. 

You violently throw the bedroom door open, rushing over to your shared dresser. Before you can open a drawer, Colin grabs your shoulders, forcing you to face him. 

“I’ve been pushing you away because I’m afraid I’m going to lose you!” Colin shouts, his face bright red, tears filling his eyes. 

You’re speechless. Colin had never said anything like this before. 

Colin breathes deeply, and then continues. “Kitty left me, and I thought she loved me. I know you aren’t her, I’m bloody terrified nonetheless.”

“I’m not Kitty, Colin. I’m not just going to be here one morning and gone the next. I love you.” Your voice is soft and reassuring. 

“Th-there’s some s-stuff I-I haven’t t-told you yet, too,” Colin stutters, turning away from you, moving towards the bed and sitting down on the edge of it. 

“You can talk to me, Colin,” You say calmly, sitting down next to the blonde boy. You grab Colin’s shaking hand, holding it carefully in yours.

“It’s about my family, (Y/N),” Colin says, his left knee bouncing anxiously. Every time you had tried to ask Colin about his family, he’d brush the topic aside. You assumed he would tell you when he was ready, and now he was. 

“My mother d-died,” Colin swallows harshly, “when I was young. And my father started drinking. He’s a real asswipe, you know?” Colin chuckles, trying to make a joke out of his trauma. “He’s the type that t-takes o-out the g-good old b-belt a-and…” Colin chokes, tears streaming down his face. 

He takes off his glasses, setting them down next to him. Colin rubs his face, practically sobbing into his hands.

“Colin, you didn’t deserve to be treated that way, no one does. I’m so, so sorry,” You whisper, your heart clenching as you imagine the abuse Colin as endured. 

“Well, he’s back. He came to the flat in the middle of night two weeks ago, while you were sleeping,” Colin breaths, squeezing your hand tightly. “He somehow knows who y-you a-are, and he said that h-he’d hurt you i-if,” Colin pauses, “i-if I didn’t pay him off.” 

You don’t know what to say. Fear and anger fill your gut. You were terrified of Colin’s father, and you wanted nothing more than to make him feel all of the pain he made Colin feel. 

“I’m working extra hours to give him what he wants, but God I’m afraid to lose you. I can’t fucking lose you. I j-just c-can’t,” Colin sobs, shaking his head violently. “I’d rather die than lose you. I’ve lost so much, (Y/N), and I don’t want to lose you next.”

You shake your head, wrapping your arms around Colin, pulling him into a tight embrace. “You’re never going to lose me, Colin,” You hum, planting a kiss into the crook of his neck. Colin breathes heavily and sniffles a bit before pulling apart from you.

“My mom would’ve loved you,” Colin whispers. A small smile spreads across his face, and you imagine that he’s thinking of a reality in which you get to meet her. You had never seen Colin this vulnerable before. He was always so nonchalant, so cool, so collected. It was such a stark contrast from the usual Colin you saw every day.  

A violent knock, followed by a chorus of loud rapid ones boom from the front door, destroying the moment you and Colin had been sharing. Colin jumps up to his feet, fear filling his eyes. 

“Colin, is it him, your dad?” You ask, standing up as well. 

“S-stay here, okay? Things are going to be fine,” Colin says, kissing your forehead lightly before leaving the bedroom. You watch from the doorway as Colin moves across the flat and towards the door. He looks through the peep hole. “Shit,” he mutters under his breath. 

“Open up, boy! Right now!” A voice shouts from the other side of the door. Colin jumps in place, and turns around towards you. 

“I need you to close the bedroom door, and lock it. Right now. Do you understand?” Colin’s voice is firm and controlled. You shake your head violently. 

“No, I’m not letting you do this alone. What if he hurts you? Why don’t we just call the police, Colin?” Your voice is shaky, your gut filling with panic. Colin shakes his head. 

“Lock the door, (Y/N),” Colin says, facing you, his hand on the handle of the door, ready to open it. 

“I love you, Colin,” You whisper. 

“I love you, (Y/N),” Colin says back. You look deeply into his eyes one last time before closing and locking the door. 

You hear the door slowly creek open. 

“You better have the fucking money, you piece of shit!” A deep, evil voice yells from the front of the house. 

“Get the fuck out of my life you prick!” Colin screams. “It’s one thing to threaten me, but it’s another to threaten the love of my life, the future mother of my children!” 

“Please, I’m more than positive the last one left when she figured out the truth about you. No one wants you, Colin!” The voice booms. “No one wants a fucking damaged, worthless piece of nothing like you!”

“I’m not the worthless one here,” Colin says back. 

“Oh yeah? So then why did Kitty leave with your daughter? Why don’t I love you? Why is this new girlfriend going to leave you just like the last?” The voice questions angrily. “You’re a creep, Colin! A fucking weirdo with your silly video game whatever-the-hell-you-do! Worthless nonsense, just like you!”

“Fuck you!” Suddenly, you hear a thud, a groan, and then you feel the floor beneath you shake. Your heart beats rapidly out of your chest. “That’s what you fucking get!” Colin shouts. “Stay on the ground you fucking ass. You’re the pathetic one, not me. Now you’re going to crawl your way out of my flat, and I’m going to call the police. How’s that for a plan, huh?” 

“This isn’t the end. You’re a Ritman, you’ll turn out like me one day, trust me,” the voice says. 

“I will never, ever be you. Trust me,” Colin says firmly, and suddenly the door slams shut. 

You unlock the bedroom door, and swing the door open. “Colin?”  You whisper nervously. You spot the blonde haired boy, still standing at the front door. He turns around, his bright blue eyes somehow glimmering intensely even in the dimly lit flat. 

Colin rushes over to you, wrapping his arms around you, pulling you into his chest. 

“I’m so sorry, love,” Colin whispers into your ear. 

“You don’t need to apologize, Colin. None of this is your fault,” You breath. “I love you, and you deserve the world,” You pull apart from Colin, staring deeply into his eyes. 

Colin presses a soft, warm kiss against your lips. Your heart flutters in your chest, just like it did the first time you saw him, the first time you talked to him, the first time you hung out as friends, and the first time you hung out as more than friends. He made you feel so special, so needed, and you hoped that you made him feel the same. 

“Thank you, (Y/N),” Colin says as he pulls his lips from yours. 

“For?” You ask, not sure what it is you did. 

“You haven’t left me yet,” Colin giggles lightly, trying to poke fun at the extremely serious situation. 

“And I never will,” You say, smiling widely. He pulls you back into his chest, his warmth making you long to stay in his arms forever. 

[imaginedisish]

Shout (Colin Ritman x Reader) (Bandersnatch)

A/N: WOOAAAHH TWO IMAGINES (kinda because it’s technically tomorrow since it’s 12:17 am where I am) IN ONE DAY???? WHAAATTT!!! I felt bad because my posting schedule was extremely off this weekend, so I wrote this up this evening. This is based on an anon request I got a few days ago, and the title is based on the song of the same name by Tears For Fears. This imagine is pretty dark...so make sure you check out those warnings...anyway...Stefan smut will be posted tomorrow! Until then...enjoy this! (P.S: I hope I wrote this okay...I really don’t want to offend anyone...I just write what I get requested and hope  that I do the request justice. If you are offended, pls lmk...I will rewrite this or remove it immediately)

Summary: Thakur sexually assaults you in a meeting, and Colin refuses to let his disgusting behavior slide.

Warnings: Sexual assault/sexual harassment, angst, lots of language, fighting, blood, and luckily mega fluff in the end and as well as the middle for some relief...obviously mega canon divergence

Word Count: 1,983+

Your knee bounces up and down anxiously as the secretary to your left types away violently at her typewriter. You felt like a child waiting to be called into the principal’s office, and you hated it. 

It had been three months since you had started working at Tuckersoft as a game designer, and you absolutely loved it. You had made great friends, one of which being The Colin Ritman. You didn’t see him as any sort of celebrity, though. You saw him as someone you could depend on, someone you had come to love.

You and Colin clicked the very second you stepped foot into Tuckersoft. What started out as him simply admiring and appreciating your work flourished into a beautiful friendship, and eventually, a bit of a massive crush on your end.

Everything seemed to be going extremely well. That is, until you were called into Thakur’s office. His secretary had paged you so harshly, far too harshly for there not to be some sort of problem.

“(Y/N), Mr. Thakur will see you now.” Your head snaps towards the secretary, who’s words brought you back to reality. You stand up slowly, trying to brush the wrinkles from your dark green cargo pants away. You then reluctantly trod towards the door to Thakur's office, your heeled black boots thumping heavily against the carpeted floor. 

You hesitate before pulling down on the door handle as an unsettling feeling fills your gut. Your instincts beg you not to enter the office, but you know you have to. 

You take a deep breath, and slowly open the door. 

“(Y/N)! It’s good to see you mate!” Thakur calls out, a smile plastered across his face. “Now we need to talk! Take a seat!” He seems to be rather cheerful as he motions for you to take a seat in the armed chair across from him.

You nod in response, pulling out the chair and quickly sitting down. Thakur clasps his hands together under his chin. 

“You know what?” Thakur questions, pausing for a second. “I hate this space between us, don’t you?” Thakur quickly stands up, dragging his large, black swivel chair behind him as he walks in your direction.

He finally reaches you, plopping himself down in his chair. Maybe it was the fact that he smelt like wet dog, but there was something that made you feel extremely uncomfortable about this interaction with Thakur. 

“This is better, no?” Thakur questions, smirking like the cheshire cat. 

You ignore the strangeness of his actions. “So what was it that you wanted to talk to me about, Thakur?” You ask, cutting straight to the point as you anxiously pull on the collar of your The Cure shirt. 

“Ah, yes!” Thakur scooches closer to you, “About the release of your game…” He trails off, pointing a finger in your direction as he rolls the chair even closer to you once again. You begin to feel more unsettled as the apparent space between you and Thakur seemingly disappears into thin air. 

Your heart jumps into your throat. “It’ll be released just in time for Christmas, I know. We talked about this already.” Your words are hurried, as you want nothing more than for this meeting to be over.

“About that,” Thakur pauses, moving closer to you so that his knee is now pressing up against yours. “That’s not going to happen, love.” You cringe at his use of the word love. It was something Colin called you often, but never Thakur. It felt so wrong to hear that word come out of his lips. Thakur opens his mouth once more. “That is, unless…”

Suddenly Thakur’s hand lands on your thigh, brushing the area slowly, making its way towards the last place you would ever want Thakur to touch you. 

You quickly push yourself back, jumping out of the chair. “What the hell?” You shout out, feeling nauseous and absolutely disgusted. 

Thakur pushes himself out of the chair, and rushes over to you. “Oh come on! Don’t be such a prude!” He says, walking closer towards you. You try to back away, but he has you cornered. He grabs your wrists forcefully with his hands. 

He pushes you up against the wall as tears rush to your eyes. 

“Get the fuck off of me!” You scream. But Thakur doesn’t listen. Before he could do anything else, you forcefully bring your knee up into his crotch, successfully kneeing the prick in the balls. 

“Holy shit!” Thakur cries out in a high pitched voice, backing away from you in pain. You take this chance to run out of the office. 

“What the bloody hell was going on in there?” The secretary asks firmly, standing up from her desk. You ignore her, and proceed to sprint down the hallway. 

Tears continue to rush to your eyes, an it feels as though the walls are closing in on you. The fluorescent lights burn your skin. You stop running, and rest your back against the wall. You slide down to the ground, pulling your knees into your chest. 

That’s when the tears begin to fall at free will. You sob heavily to the point where you can no longer breathe. It feels as though a million elephants are sitting on your chest. The world was spinning. You put your head down to rest on your knees. You feel helpless as your panic attack grows worse and worse. 

Then, out of nowhere, you hear a calm, familiar voice. “(Y/N)?” Colin coos. You lift your head from your knees, and you see the blonde boy crouching in front of you. He brings a hand to your cheek, trying to wipe the uncontrollably falling tears away. “Are you alright? What happened?” His voice is soft and reassuring. 

“Th-thakur…” You can’t speak. You didn’t want to recall what had just happened. It was all too painful.

“Did that son of a bitch fire you?” Colin’s voice is firm. “I swear, I’m going to kick his ass if he did.” You say nothing in response, and Colin brings a hand up to the back of your neck. He begins to play with your hair.

“H-he d-din’t fire me,” You’re finally able to stutter, inching closer to Colin. “H-he…” You trail off, staring into Colin’s eyes through the silver rims resting on his nose. You wished he could read your mind so you didn’t have to say what Thakur did to you. 

“Wait a minute,” Colin’s eyes widen with shock. “D-did that prick,” He pauses, attempting to fathom the words that were about to come out of his mouth. “Did he touch you?” He questions  softly, still combing his hand through your hair. 

You nod, suddenly sobbing heavily once again. Colin drops to his knees, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you tightly into his embrace. 

You whimper and sob into Colin’s chest as Colin plants soft kisses on the top of your head. 

“I’m so sorry, love. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. Everything is going to be fine,” Colin whispers, his arms still wrapped tightly around you as he gently rubs the small of your back. 

You feel safe in Colin’s arms. You feel like no one could hurt you now. Your troubles, while still in the back of your mind, melt away temporarily as your nose is filled with Colin’s distinct scent of vanilla, cinnamon and cigarettes. 

“Th-thank you,” You mumble into his chest. Colin continues to pepper the top of your head with gentle kisses. 

“There’s no need to thank me, love,” Colin purrs, pulling apart from you. “Now, I’ve got something to take care of quickly. Stay here, I’ll be right back.”

Before you could protest, Colin quickly pushes himself off the ground, adjusting his silver frames, and storming off in the direction of Thakur’s office. 

“Colin, wait!” You call out, standing up, attempting to catch up with the blonde boy. He ignores your call, and continues to sprint towards Thakur’s office. Colin turns a corner, leaving your line of sight. 

What the hell is he going to do? You think to yourself as you pick up your pace, turning the corner that Colin went down. 

You spot Colin as he approaches Thakur, who’s back is facing Colin. 

“Hey, dickhead!” Colin shouts, causing Thakur to turn around instantly. 

Without hesitation, Colin runs up to Thakur, his hand in a fist. 

“Fuck you, you fucking prick!” Colin yells, his fist coming up to punch Thakur with all the strength he has inside of him. “That’s what you get for touching her, fuckface!” Colin screams as Thakur falls to the ground in shock. 

“Stop Colin, please don’t hurt me anymore mate!” Thakur cowers, cover his face with his hands. 

Colin’s knuckles are bleeding. He ignores his injury, standing over Thakur, grunting as he harshly kicks Thakur in the crotch. Thakur’s hands immediately move to the affected region as he cries out in pain.

“I’m in love with that girl! How dare you fucking touch her?” Colin yells, pointing towards you, his face red, and his brows furrowed in anger. His eyes don’t leave Thakur for one second. “And I swear to fucking god, if you ever even think about touching her again, you won’t just be on the ground,” Colin spits in Thakur’s right eye, “You’ll be in it, mate.”

Colin swiftly kicks Thakur in the groin once more, and storms towards you. 

Once Colin meets your side, he slowly intertwines his fingers with yours, and pulls you out of the Tuckersoft office. 

You don’t know what to say as you and Colin walk down the many flights of stairs, exiting the building and walking out onto the streets of South London. 

After some thought, you know exactly what to say.

“Y-you’re in love with me?” You ask, stopping in your tracks, staring up at Colin. He nods once, as if it was a widely known fact. 

“Yes, of course I am,” He states matter of factly. Colin continues to walk along, in turn pulling you along with him. He stares deeply into your eyes. “I don’t expect you to give me any sort of answer. I know how much you’ve been through today, and I don’t want to pressure you into anything.” Colin looks forward again, pulling you swiftly through the city streets. 

But you stop again, pulling Colin closer to you. “I-I l-love you too, Colin. I-I really do.” Your quick answer takes him by surprise.

Colin smiles widely, his brows arching upwards. You had always seen him smirk, but you had never seen him smile. 

That smile, that damned smile made your heart flutter in your chest. It made you feel safe despite everything that had happened. 

Colin pulls you into a tight embrace, one hand pressed against the small of your back, the other on the nape of your neck.

“Thank you, again, Colin,” You whisper into his chest. You pull apart from him, and look down at his right hand. His knuckles are still a bloody mess. You grab his hand, holding it carefully in yours. 

“I’m fine, Colin says, his ocean eyes staring into yours. He adjusts his glasses nonchalantly with his free hand. You shake your head in disagreement. 

“Let’s get you cleaned up, yeah?” You giggle for the first time all day. Colin smiles again, and nods in response. You pull lightly on his hand, leading him forward. 

“But, if you get to take care of me, then I get to take care of you too, got it?” Colin says firmly, arching a brow in your direction. You nod in response, and the corners of Colin’s mouth turn upwards. 

While you had been through so much, Colin seemed to make things feel okay. 

You felt better now, especially with him. 

And that meant the world to you.