#barnett is such a fuckboi

[amplifyme]

Oh god, what is my life? I've fallen down the Love Is Blind rabbit hole on Netflix.

So here I am, glass of wine in hand, whispering to the cast of S1, "Oh, my sweet summer child," and vacillating between tears, laughter, and absolute horror.

[headcanonsformeforyouofmyships]

I just saw the show "Love is blind"

It is a program that bothers me but is addictive because of how bizarre it is. Fall in love with a person you met in a week and marry her/him in less than a month it's an intense madness. But if you enter this show you have to be willing to try to fall in love, like when you sign up for a show like that, you must be mentally and emotionally prepared to be honest and open yourself to have a connection, otherwise it would not make sense for you to sign up for an experiment like that.

Of the 30 people who participated in this experiment, only 10 became a couple not counting the couple that broke the second day

I think Barnett and Amber would work perfectly as a couple if they were in high school (living with their parents, thinking that the only concern is school, not thinking about marriage and just having a good time) because they both get along, have fun, they live in the moment and have a strong sexual chemistry, but their relationship is based only on fun and sex. They are not very mature, don’t compromise and hardly talk about serious/important things or the ways in which they would solve their problems. When difficult situations come I don't think they work, Barnett is very selfish and his decisions are based on his comfort (He chose Amber because she was fun, he is undecided and he was afraid of her, he preferred to break LC's heart than to face Amber's fury, instead of being sincere with both of them and telling them that he was not ready to have a real relationship) . She’s also immature and doesn’t have her priorities in order. Who prefers to pay $ 700 in makeup instead to pay that what owe from school knowing that the debt is increasing and thinks is ready to be a mother when are not financially stable, have no home and no job? She thinks a husband is going to solve her problems as if she were a disney princess, but no, what she need is to order her life or get a super rich sugar daddy and not a fuckboy who doesn't know how to deal with problems and looks pretty scared of the debts she has (I thought that Barnett was going to pass out at that moment for his face and because I would do that if she told me her debts and then that she wants to be a housewife and wants me to keep her). Both think and act as teenagers live in the moment without worries, not as adults ready to have a serious relationship and get married.

Jessica and Mark, I don't want them to end up together, she is an abusive manipulator who belittles him because he is not attractive enough by her standards so she's obsessed with a guy(Barnett the fuckboy) who sent her to the friendzone. I am Mexican, I understand that he was raised with my culture, it is normal for men to be taught to be persistent, passionates, affectionate and believe that if they try hard for a woman she will fall madly in love with you, but no, he needs to realize that there are people for whom it is not worth fighting for.

Kenny and Kelly, is one of the healthiest relationships there are, they understand each other, they talk about all things and find ways to solve problems without fighting, they respect each other, they have fun, they are economically stable, They are independent, their families get along good, they are friends and they are on the same page. It is the type of couple that could have a healthy and stable marriage or a mature divorce where children would not be traumatized. The problem is that it is a couple so well balanced and so undramatic that it does not work for a program, without drama people consider the couple boring and do not sell. If social pressure is difficult, it is more if producers, cameras, etc. are on top of you looking to find and exploit something bad in your relationship for the program to sell more. I think maybe they won't get married because they haven't been showy couple in the program for the lack of conflicts and maybe the producers have suggested that since they didn't have sex they should end their relationship to make things more interesting in the end of the show, but why they have that's the kind of relationship that is worthwhile in real life.

Lauren and Cameron, are similar to Kenny and Kelly but with the difference that they had sex and part that generates tension, conflict and drama, and they have to overcome that and not worry about what society will say for being an interracial couple. In a nutshell has a good balance between drama and a functional couple so the people loves them and think they are sexy, cool, romantic and nothing boring as Kenny and Kelly so they generates more attention in the show, so maybe they get married.

Damien and Giannina, they already seem married, but not in the good way, looks of those couples who go to therapy because they do not want to divorce but there is no sincere love in their relationship or if there only one of them feel it. I think they are cool for a romantic comedy where opposites attract, but in real life, fighting with someone all the time is not healthy at all. They are happy and super romantics for 3 seconds and they fight again, his family does not want her and they are different in the things that matter (for example, he and his family are Republicans, she is Venezuelan who is against what the government do, that's why he asked her if she agreed to change any of her ideals such as her political ideals and she almost beats him for suggesting that and she mention what she has to do for her family that lives in Venezuela). She is like the stereotype of crazy Latina Drama queen that has many mood swings and she is also a person with very liberal ideas and he is a very conservative guy who then tends to be half dick with his comments or with the fact that he wants her to change. Even if they got married, they wouldn't last. In less than a month they already fight like this in front of people, they shout, they insult/ignore each other, enduring such fights in a year will end badly

There are couples who baffle me so much that I wonder what they talked about in the capsules?

[rye-views]

Love is Blind. Season 1. 7/10

Lauren and Cameron is truly all I’m rooting for.

All the memes about this show are spot on.

Carlton didn’t need to react so negatively to Diamond. You’re being vulnerable, which was great, but you were being mean and horrifyingly rude. Stupid men.

Barnett, in the end, was not a fuckboy. Like he fucks around until he has to settle down and can now be serious. Amber really winning here, but howst??

Gigi yells too much and is so frustrating.

It’s amazing how different people can be and how people can’t communicate and so on.

When Jessica doesn’t know what she wants at her age, but Mark does.

Spoiler: [About males and females being put into pods and going on dates with each other. They can’t see other but can talk to each other through a thin wall. Then they get engaged if they want to and go on a honeymoon. Then they move in together into an apartment and then have a wedding. Barnett has three ladies in the beginning but ends up choosing Amber, who is on a lot of debt. Jessica is in between Barnett and Mark, but gets rejected by Barnett and chooses Mark. After meeting all in person, she tries again with Barnett, but is rejected ish again. Carlton and Diamond immediately go for each other, but he is scared to tell her he falls in love with people not genders. Kenny and Kelly are in love with each other but haven’t had sex. Cameron and Diamond are perfect for each other but she has doubts from it being interracial. Gigi and Damien fight a lot, but always come back to each other. Jessica and Mark have difficulty with their sex life.]

[onestepclosertog-d]

Barnett: If there were no other guys and no other girls here, I'd propose to you tomorrow.

Jessica: wow I'm so fucking happy right now, no one has ever said those words to me before :))

Omfg Jessica girl he just said he'd propose if you were the ONLY option... This is why you're single, you loved being played by fuckboys 💀

[pirate-bi]

im 10 years late to love is blind but these are my thoughts (im on ep 3)

lauren: 10/10 absolute icon. i want whats best for her

cameron: 9/10 can totally be a 10 i just am weary of wythe men. love him. hope he and cameron are together forever

jessica: that binch doesnt deserve mark. she and her 34 years of age can choke

mark: 9/10 he looks like latino Lauv and i love that for him. he's super cheesy like lauv too, same vibes

beret: whatever the hell his name is. y'know, the asshole. are we sure he isn't just bo burnham pretending to be a fuckboy? jury still out on that one. 1/10

amber: i like her. shes pretty. im gay. she deserves better than barrell. reminds me of dani from sense8 which we love 7/10

diamond: another icon. she saw right thru barnett (that might be his actual name) she the only bitch i respect (lauren u too) 9/10

carlton: bi king! although i dont vibe with him that much. hopefully he surprises me 6/10

gianna: was it gianna or giannina? gg. she reminds me of this one girl that was on teens react. very pretty, gay points. somethings off tho 7/10 ps. when she proposed i screamed

giannas guy im so sorry i forgot your name i like you so much ur a sweetie 8/10

kelly and kenny: i like them tho i forget they are there. 6/10

lc: deserved so much better

[hiddeningrid]

im binging love is blind on netflix since that’s where im at in my life

and like i can’t be the only one thinking that jessica is a bit of a hypocrite? she’s saying that barnett is a fuckboy for stringing her along, but at the same time, she’s stringing mark along when it’s obvious that she’s not feeling that strongly about him. i mean, they are engaged now.. it’s bound to end badly.

im on ep 5 so maybe they’ll pull through... but i really doubt it

[dragon-writer]

Barnett: “I feel like deciding who I’m going to marry within seven days is a hard decision.”

Love is Blind: “You fuckboy! You indecisive piece of shit!”

[writingrissa]

Rissa Watches: Love is Blind

Episode 2

So.

Barnett is a fuckboy.

Jessica just seriously hurt Mark after stupidly discounting what the other women were saying about they’re conversations with Barnett. And now she’s pissed because he’s saying to her what she basically said to Mark.

Also, please don’t jump down my throat, I am ginuinely asking this question. In Cameron’s case, if your sexuality is one that you feel needs to be disclosed to a partner, wouldn’t the time for that be before proposing? Or our circumstance is different because of way their relationship formed on the show?

It’s not in my purview to say “this is how he should handle it” but I’d like to know how other people feel about it.

EDIT: These some dumb bitches (excuse the language but that’s my exact thought). Do they all think they’re special to Barnett and the other women are just feeling something that’s not there.

[macgyvers]

okay so i finally finished watching love is blind and i have some THOUGHTS

cameron is the sweetest guy in the WORLD and everyone’s right like he is the epitome of calm ??? his voice ?? his persona?? he’s just like The Chill Scientist and the way he was crying when lauren walked down that aisle ?????? MA’AM you just KNOW it was so real for him ??? I HAVE MAD RESPECT for how he handled meeting lauren’s dad for the first time too??? THE CLASS??

i am LIVING for lauren’s family and how tight-knit everybody is (couldn’t help thinking how POCs will always have better family dynamics i said what i said) and i was BAWLING my eyes out when her father saw her in her wedding dress??? i hate her baby voice though and her “oh my god that’s sO cuUuUuUute” @ everything like shh no 

listen i keep forgetting kenny and kelly were even there in mexico but after that last episode, UMMMMM KENNY DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER 

say what you want to make yourself feel better kelly but you led the poor guy on and you can’t even admit it to yourself. lmao this chick is really out here talking about how she’s not as physically attracted to him as he is to her lmaoooo full of yourself much??? also like i don’t get it because she said the physical attraction was DEFINITELY there in mexico so idk what she’s going on about ????? talking about how she’s more into brunettes like okay you said you love him and call him your soulmate but won’t marry him because of his hair color?? LMAOOOOO 

kenny and kelly were literally the ones with families who were the quickest to get on board and YET LMAOOOOO kelly sucks. i said what i said

jessica is hands down one of the most annoying people i’ve ever had to watch on reality tv like the urge to literally skip all her scenes with mark was STRONG and she should STOP drinking because she’s a fucking mess. absolutely rude and disrespectful (not just when she’s drunk) and she’s just ???? NO. i like her even less than i like kelly and that’s saying something. also her constantly trying to initiate things with barnett like girl you’re EMBARRASSING yourself. i’m pretty sure she just stuck around for her 10 seconds of fame. she’s a sad, sad, sad woman. ALSO HER FORCED BABY VOICE JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IT MADE ME CRINGE SO MUCH LIKE SHUT UP like did y’all notice that by the end of the show, her voice went way deeper LMAOOO

mark is so sweet and so patient and so loyal but i agree like he related everything to his mom and it was a TAD creepy and he keeps saying such chliche things but he means well 

i genuinely did not think amber and barnett would actually end up getting married ??? but they did ??? do i see them lasting in the long run though?? lol nope !!! honestly i wouldn’t wanna marry amber like i’m sorry but her grilling him and making him choose a side between her and his family was just plain uncomfortable to see. she’s so aggressive and all over barnett and i was just like ‘girl STOP. respect yourself please. jesus’ 

barnett was a total fuckboy at first which i understood because he’s the best looking guy in the show and he is pretty funny and he knows all that but i appreciate that he didn’t do anything even when messica was drunkenly draping herself all over him

damian is a SCARY dude okay i don’t think he’s attractive at all and i just............ he seems like he’d be a really controlling boyfriend/husband like he wants things to go his way and when it doesn’t, he like tries to invalidate the other person’s feelings. i wish he had been paired up with someone a bit more emotionally mature so we can see if that’s actually who he is or if it’s a just reaction to someone as childish as giannina but oh well 

giannina is honestly so emotionally immature, so hot and cold, and when she feels an argument isn’t going her way, she runs away. she is also very hypocritical at times like with getting angry at damian for looking at his phone when she does the same thing. i liked her at first, and i appreciate her honesty and her realness, but she doesn’t need a boyfriend. she needs a sugar daddy. she’s honestly a brat and by the time the show was over, i was done with her. what happened with her at the altar was embarrassing af though and i do feel for her and she’s pretty af but.................... it’s a no from me dawg

[curious-minx]

“Did you know that Russian dolls are actually Chinese?”or how I learned to do the Time Warp in Alphabet City

Cut to: Tompkins Square park. A location that any professional dog walker worth their sidewalk salt inflicted dog paws has worked as a dog walker in New York City should be very familiar with. An area of Manhattan that  has a gravitational pull to it whereas most of Manhattan prefers to hold you at a distance or tickle you with a sweat soaked strap on and cackling finance bro pit stains.  

Back in the year 2019 (Otherwise known as The Year Of Loose Ends)  there was some sort of New York city public access event advertised on the nyc based the skint featuring Natasha Lyonne that I really wanted to attend.  NYC’s  the skint dot come is a digital guide to the scrappier and disingenuous side of nyc attractions. I am sure they will be broadcasting official boho Soho Covid-19 fashion bomb galas, sweaty stand up and inept wine tasting. Unfortunately my former roommate decided to leave the apartment completely unlocked because she was just that kind of witch and I had to course correct and miss the whole interview. A pretty weak New York missed connection but one that still rankles me, because who knows when we’ll be able to freely trot out our Hollyw00d starlets safely out into the public again. 

Natasha Lyonne is like if Joe the Camel were a Lioness (Joanne the Lioness?) adorned with a  flambeau crown of messy locks and a borrowed short king’s Columbo jacket. I haven’t smoked a cigarette in years but seeing Lyonne wield a cigarette in hand I am overcome every time with a second hand nicotine rush. The same way Jon Hamm makes me go ham for rye and vodka sodas. On her 2019 Netflix original curio Russian doll,  the series finds Lyonne delivering as a full force and auteur directing and overseeing the entire first season. A first season of TV that feels completely devoid of any studio exec middling and is actually filming on location. Russian Doll is one of the last and only interesting Netflix comedies focusing on original and interesting woman-centric stories. RIP Tuca and Bertie. RIP Lady Dynamite. Holding my breath for you Dolly Parton’s Heartstrings. 

This year Parks and Rec is sugar footing itself back into the NBC pasture and Amy Poehler in general feels  removed from the network (I guess she’s still making arts and crafts with Offerman which seems like a missed Covid content opportunity). Her latest  hands on deck executive produced project is a banal and ugly adult animated comedy The Duncans (or is it Dunceville, one can never remember these things). And lest we forget that she’s also in the adult swim orbit with Three Busy Debras. Remember 2019 Wine Mom romper Wine Country on Netflix? Poehler is operating at peak polarity. And unlike her SNL and award show gala gal pal Fey she hasn’t had to deal with any black face scandals, but instead had been quietly profiting off of the backs of countless thankless voices of the myriad talented people. Her UCB empire has since dried up and turned into something of a Wal-Mart of alternative comedy. As competitive as ivy league schools with even less reward.

Who can really blame Poehler of wanting to relinquish and brush away her origins in the UCB? Poehler is now a TV mogul and while she doesn’t have a Shondaland level keys to the kingdom she does still manage to have a growing pasture of content. How else could her brother have had the opportunity to foist his Swedish sitcom on an uncaring public? Bottom line, You don’t want to see Natasha Lyonne doing a Harold. That’s what. makes the Poehler collaboration a fun choice because clearly Poehler is putting her name on Russian doll as a means to an end to be in the same conversation as Lyonne.  In an interview with the LA Times (https://www.latimes.com/entertainment/tv/la-et-st-russian-doll-amy-poehler-natasha-lyonne-20190201-story.html ) Poehler calls Natasha Lyonne her personal Tony Soprano.

Russian Doll is a show built from the ground up by an exclusively female based creative team. I think it may explain why Doll’s depiction of New York  free of your typical white fuckbois and dilettantes that occasionally bog down these kinds of shows. All of the men in this Doll House are more or less leaning towards the unconventional character actor axis, and it’s Charlie Barnett’s performance as Alan that leads the pack. Barnett’s Alan makes for a perfect foil for Lyonne’s  Nadia and it might be due to the actor coming from a storied an interesting childhood raised on a sail boat in The Longboat Keys in Florida. As a twentysomething mostly cis white male I found these casting choices exhilarating. I suffer from representation fatigue and much prefer my creative outlooks contain perspectives I normally wouldn’t have direct access to. Like Nadia’s two besties, the artsy as hell queer and lesbian Maxine and Lizzy portrayed by two HBO alums Greta Lee (a brief but satisfying arc on High Maintenance, a show Russian Doll has a lot in common with) and Rebecca Henderson a similar brief arc on West World (a show i have not  been desperate enough in quarantine to revisit. Sorry to what I am sure is the horde of West Heads reading this right now). Also shout to Brendan Sexton III who is doing one of the most tasteful homeless performances since the Fisher King, and it blows me mind that he was one of the kids in cult classic Welcome to the Doll House. And there’s another fun Todd Solondz crossover with the smoky sexy dragon voiced therapist Elizabeth Ashley was in Happiness. 

Russian Doll like most recent streaming network offerings feels more or less lost and jumbled into the mix of content. Now in the throes of neverending Quarantine these Groundhog remixes and reimagining tickle a different portion of the imagination now than they did back in February 2019. Last year during its initial premiere  Happy Death Day 2U (the unexpected sequel to a mild campy horror comedy Happy Death Day) came out a week later.  I definitely recommend checking these movies out if you enjoy this series but not because they are all that similar besides the glaringly obvious overlaps in premise. Both creations focus on spotlighting a woman who is more or less a complicated anti-hero. There is a third Happy Death Day (Happy Death Day To Us!) in development and I have a feeling that it will realistically come out before there is another season of Russian doll. 

Will there still be able to be New York based TV and cinema set in and around New York with actors and background actors filling up sidewalks and parties again? Netflix has an annoying business model of swiping the table settings out from underneath series that are starting to get their footing. Netflix also seems more interested in making a viral season of reality television instead of an original scripted conceptual dramedy. The most spiritually connected property in Netflix’s cache is Black Mirror and a choose your own adventure style twist would be pretty satisfying set inside the Russian doll verse. Is that a feasible creative strategy filming every series into a choose your own adventure styled special? I am sure no one else wants to know what happens to Nadia and friends more than the Harry Nilsson estate who probably hasn’t been this thrilled with a licensing deal since the Popeye movie. 

Dammit I think I forgot to lock my apartment! I went out looking for my pet iguana Trail Mix who’s usually reliably perched at the Iranian health food bodega, but now I’m not so sure. Also, haven’t we already met before?

[blackkewpie]

Carlton and Barnett should've gotten together bc theyd be hotep/fuckboy solidarity

[theuniverseisholistic]

Dirk Gently or a fuckboy?? 99% of people get it wrong… (This reminds me of the Russian Dirk Gently book cover oh my god)

*edit* Samuel Barnett liked this on Twitter I'm dying

[pikapeppa]

Day 6 of Reyes Vidal Week: Liar Liar

Today’s fanfic prompt was a White Lie or a Hard Truth. I chose to go with lies, and to explore his relationship with his “ex-girlfriend”, Zia Cordier, a bit more closely.

Reyes goes a bit dark again today, and shows himself to be a bit of a douche before Ryder met him. (What can he say, he’s a handsome bastard, right?)

Lies.

Little white lies, total misinformation and misdirection, twisting the facts, subconsciously planting suggestions, lies of omission… Reyes Vidal was a master of them all.

Especially the little everyday kind of lie.

“What are you doing later?”

“I’m busy,” Reyes replied, not bothering to look at Zia as he pulled on his gloves. “Business deal. Might run late, but I’ll call you when I’m done.” Three short sentences, and three little lies: he was planning to work all night, but he didn’t have a meeting. There was nothing to run late. And he definitely wouldn’t be calling her later.

Fully dressed, he finally turned and gave her a charming smile… a smile that didn’t quite reach his cold bronze eyes. Zia was naked, lying on her side in bed, her eyeliner smudged, her bright red hair in disarray as she smiled up at him. Reyes liked Zia. That is, he liked her as much as he liked any other attractive woman: enough to sleep with her, enough to work with her, but not enough to be bothered otherwise.

He leaned down and gave her a perfunctory kiss on the lips, then headed towards the door. “I’ll call you,” he promised, then left with a casual wave goodbye.

Another lie. Easy as breathing.

Reyes gave a heavy sigh of annoyance and ended his omni-tool call. “Fuck’s sake, Zia,” he muttered.

Reyes and Zia had worked together on a few trades and deals, but she was slipping in her role with their current ongoing ‘contract’: smuggling ammo. They stole from the Nexus and the Outcasts’ supply lines, then sold the ammo back out to Kadara’s exiles (and the Collective, of course, unbeknownst to Zia), as well as to H-047c and the exile shuttles that stopped by in the port.  

Zia had introduced Reyes to the primary ammo supplier they worked with. And somehow she thought that entitled her to 50% of the profits, Reyes thought snidely, when in reality, that had been her only significant role in this deal: Reyes had been the one to arrange the trade routes, vet and hire the pilots, grease Colt Dalton’s palms and the other port staff to ensure they’d look the other way, set up the Collective spies to infiltrate Sloane’s ranks, and pay Kian to hold the ammo in Tartarus. All Zia had to do was tell him when the new shipments were due to arrive, and this was the second time she hadn’t done so.

She was lucky I even agreed to give her as much as 15% of the profits in the first place. She’s not worth what she’d paid, he thought, anger starting to simmer. He’d just received an irate call from Dalton complaining that other shuttles were being held up, and when the fuck was someone going to come and pick up the definitely-not-a-shipment of definitely-not-stolen goods that Colt definitely knew nothing about?

Reyes pursed his lips. He did not like when his business drew attention. He was going to have to cut her out of this deal. And dump her, of course. Nothing turned him off faster than laziness, sloppiness, and stupidity, and it seemed that Zia might be a combination of all three. He sent her a message asking her to meet him at Kralla’s Song for drinks that evening. As he knew she would, she sent him back an affirmative almost immediately.

That evening, he arrived at Kralla’s late as per his usual, and sat down at the corner table where she was waiting. “Reyes,” she purred, her face lighting in a flirtatious smile. She shifted towards him on the bench until their knees were touching, but Reyes moved his knee away. “You failed to tell me about the shipment yesterday,” he said without preamble, not even bothering to greet her.

Zia sighed, then swore. “Merde!” She tapped her omni-tool. “It’s that asshole Robert. It was his job to notify me. I’m sorry, Reyes. I’ll take over that job. It won’t happen again.”

“That’s true; it won’t. You’re no longer a part of this deal. This little fuckup proves that it would run more smoothly without you. I found another contact who will tell me when the shipments come. I’ll send you your cut for this week, then no more.”

Zia stared at him, her face slack with disbelief. Then she laughed - a hard, grating sound. “You’re fucking joking, right?”

Reyes stared back at her, his face blank. Even if it wasn’t her mistake directly, it meant she didn’t have control over her people. And Reyes couldn’t respect someone who didn’t have the respect of her own employees. “Nope. We nearly got outed because the shipment sat there for almost 24 hours without being picked up. It’s bullshit, Zia. I can’t have that.”

Zia slammed her fist on the table. Nobody noticed; slammed fists, yelling, and scuffles were a dime a dozen at Kralla’s. “You wouldn’t even have that fucking business if it wasn’t for me, you greedy son of a bitch!” she hissed. “You’re just trying to cut me out of my own goddamned deal!”

Reyes shook his head pityingly. “If I hadn’t cleaned up after your mistake, twice, neither of us would have any profits, and Sloane’s people would probably be beating our asses for quietly stealing from them. So, no. You’re out. I’m sorry.” Another lie; Reyes didn’t care, but an apology could sometimes soften the blow.

Zia laughed bitterly; apparently his sorry wasn’t enough. “You selfish, greedy, traitorous motherfucker,” she hissed. Reyes noted the tears in her eyes. “So what, that’s it? You’re finished with me? Just like that?”

Reyes nodded again; both of them knew that this meant the end of their liaison as well as their business. “I’m sorry, Zia.” More lies.

Zia shook her head, raising her eyes to the ceiling to fight back the fall of tears. She gave a little snort of laughter, and Reyes could hear the tiny sob hidden there. She stood and slid out from behind the table, then looked down at him, her face twisted with pain. “You’re a selfish, cruel fils de pute, and one day you’ll be sorry. Did you hear me?” she yelled as Reyes didn’t bother to look at her. “I said you’ll be sorry!” She raised her fist to strike him.

Reyes sighed inwardly, his anger starting to boil, stirring the darkness of the Charlatan. He could grab her fist, tackle her to the ground, even slit her throat before she even knew what was happening, but he had to keep up his appearances as the simple, charming, well-connected smuggler. The time wasn’t right to show who he really was. So he took a deep breath through his nose, swallowed his anger and allowed her to swing at him, blocking her fist with his forearm. She hauled her arm back again, and Reyes permitted her to slap him across the face. Then he stood slowly, his patient, calm persona masking the violent darkness of the Charlatan just beneath. “Just leave, Zia,” he said, his voice purposely dripping with pity. “Before you embarrass yourself further.”

Zia’s chest heaved with emotion; indeed, they had collected a small, drunk audience of melodrama lovers. Zia swallowed hard, her eyes still hot with tears, then finally turned on her heel and stormed towards the stairs.

“Take care of yourself,” he called after her, rubbing salt in the wound… and purposely reinforcing his reputation as the always-joking, never-serious fuckboy. Lies. All lies. He strolled over to the bar and held up a finger for Umi.

Umi rolled her eyes and slid him a cup with two fingers of whiskey. “That was cold,” she said. There was no judgment in her tone; only a statement of fact. He liked Umi for that; she was blunt and matter-of-fact, and didn’t seem to give a shit about anyone. Reyes shrugged. “I know. I’m such a mean bastard,” he said, and gave Umi a flirtatious grin. She stared back at him, her arms folded, totally unimpressed. “You’re also a cheap bastard,” she replied. “You never pay your damn tab.”

“And yet, you’ve never threatened to cut my balls off like you have all the others,” he chuckled, leaning his elbows on the bar. “Why is that, Umi?”

Umi scoffed and opened her mouth, no doubt to deliver a scathing reply, but a crowd of salarians stumbled over to the bar and started yelling orders. Umi threw him a look of deep annoyance, then started filling orders. Reyes chuckled, chugged his whiskey, then turned to leave. “I’ll pay you next time,” he called to Umi as he walked away. “I promise!”

He heard her colourful curse of a reply and chuckled again. Another little lie; unfortunately, he rarely paid Umi, all for the sake of his reputation as a shady wastrel. But what Umi didn’t know was that she actually got a major discount on all her stock, thanks to him (and with some enthusiastic help from Coleman Barnett, who was obviously smitten with her). A benign deception, for once.  

As he reached the top of the stairs of Kralla’s Song, a salarian at the railing stopped him. “Hey. Interested in joining the Collective? We might be able to use someone who can keep a cool head and quell such a - shall we say... emotional display... with your kind of calm.”

Reyes smiled and shook his head. “No, I don’t want to get involved with turf wars. But thanks for the offer.” He walked out the door and headed for his apartment in the port.

That was the biggest lie of all. Nobody was more involved in the Collective than Reyes Vidal. And when the time was right, the Charlatan would reveal a truth-bomb that nobody realized: that Sloane Kelly was a dead woman walking.

[writersblockisabitch]

JtV Theory Time!

So it is been a while since I last did this (about a year) but with what happened last week (let’s call it The Fuckening) I felt like it was time to wildly theorize with regards to JtV’s  season three finale.

So our beloved lesbians are royally fucked thanks to our least favorite fuckboy (who the fuck fakes cancer?!?) but I am here to tell you there is still hope.

First off, Rose did not kill Scott. The hopeless romantic in me wants to believe it is because she would not lie to Luisa about it. But the writer in me can see the dramatic irony in sending a criminal mastermind to jail for the one crime she didn’t commit. And it makes sense too. Rose plans for everything and if she had committed this murder (which she would have done with much more finesse, just saying. HE WAS STILL WEARING HIS FUCKING NAME TAG! THIS IS MURDER 101, PEOPLE) she would never have gone back to the Marbella while an investigation into his murder was going on. She would have never expected her name to come up as a suspect in this murder because she didn’t do it! You can’t plan for something you didn’t do.

So I hear you ask “why was she on the beach then?” Answer: she wasn’t. At that time there was still someone around who looked exactly like Rose in her mask: the real Eileen. 

Yes, it was the real Eileen who killed Scott! But she has not motive you say. Well, I am here to tell you she did. Let’s say Scott was being Scott and found out there were two Eileen’s and decided to blackmail them into keeping their secret, like he always does. And he approached the real Eileen, which gave her two choices: just leave and let Rose and Luisa deal with it, or tell Rose and Luisa about Scott and then leave. 

But don’t forget, Rose threatened to have Eileen killed if anything went wrong with their plan. So leaving quietly was no longer an option because Rose would have found and killed her. That leaves telling Rose about Scott, which would have most likely resulted in Rose killing Scott and then Eileen to cover her tracks. Meaning that Eileen had two options that both resulted in her death. So she chose the third option: kill Scott, tell no one and get the fuck out of Miami. Which is what she did.

Now we have the real killer, but we still have an unmasked Rose in handcuffs, and not in a good way. So even if Rose manages to proof she did not kill Scott (those horrible pink streaks in fake Eileen’s hair are gonna play a roll in this. Mark my words) she is still on the hook for all the Sin Rostro stuff. Which is enough to earn her the death penalty ten times over (not that JtV would ever do that, it doesn’t fit with their message) so how is she gonna get out of that one?

Well, I’ll tell you. Rose spent most of last season parading around in a different mask, namely that of one Detective Susanna Barnett. What case was Susanna working on again? The Sin Rostro case! Michael literally handed her every scrap of evidence they had collected against her! No one would have batted an eyelid if she went into the evidence room to check something out for their case. So if I was a criminal mastermind with access to every bit of information the cops had to build a case against me, I would fuck with it. Disappear things, mess with files, taint DNA evidence, just tamper with ALL the evidence so that the police can use none of it. Leaving them with empty hands and no case a judge would ever allow into a courtroom. So if Rose is not a fucking idiot (which she is not) and the writers did not forget about this (which they probably have) there is no longer a case against Sin Rostro, meaning Rose is off the hook for that too.

That leaves us with only one crime which evidence she could not have tampered with: Michael’s murder. 

Now Rose could go to court for that and argue causality; that her shooting him in the chest months ago had nothing to do with Michael’s heart exploding. She would fail. No jury is gonna buy that shot to the heart didn’t lead to heart failure, even if there are months in between the two events. (Trust me on this, I study law. Causality is a bitch)

No, the smarter way to go is to deny the whole thing. She didn’t shoot Michael. Susanna did. There is no hard evidence that Rose was Susanna. None. Just that she was possibly in league with her. The only reason the police know Susanna was actually Rose is because I assume Luisa told them. Meaning that the whole trial is based on Luisa’s witness testimony against Rose, because Luisa is the only one (apart from Rose of course) who knows with certainty Susanna and Rose are the same person. And sadly the police can force Luisa to testify against Rose. Except for one little thing: spousal privilege. 

If Rose and Luisa were married, Luisa can’t be forced to testify against Rose in order to “keep peace in their marriage”.

So my predictions for 3x20 are that we are gonna have a shotgun prison wedding between Rose and Luisa to parallel Xo and Ro’s wedding, and that the episode will end with Rose walking into the Marbella a free, no longer wanted woman with Luisa on her arm, ready to ruin Rafael’s life with the addendum to Emilio’s will and a court ordered DNA test. A girl can dream right? 

Sorry for this long, very long, very ramble-y theory but my other ship was just kicked off their show so I have to keep up hope for something.

Would love to yell about this some more with anyone that’s interested! Two theories are better than one after all!