#basically she’s at a town fair but in her dream she’s at the circus

[frankenruth]

Workin on fleshing out the circus AU..

[killian-whump]

I know you weren't a big fan of s6, so if you could rewrite it, what would you change?

Everything.

No, I’m kidding. I mean, there were some things I liked about S6 and would definitely keep around. I thought the S5 finale set everything up for S6 really well. I was excited for the Land of Untold Stories, and all the tales that were hinted at in the scenes that took place there, and I love Regina, especially when she’s the Evil Queen in flashbacks, so I was all amped up for the dual Reginas storyline. S6 looked great from that point.

Then it all went to shit.

The Evil Queen thing was SO over-the-top, and Lana was playing her in a campy and ridiculous way that didn’t appeal to me at all. In hindsight, I can see that they were trying to keep her “redeemable” and play up the whole “still Regina, even as the Evil Queen” thing for the storyline resolution, so they needed her to only be quasi-evil instead of evil-evil. Okay, fair enough, but it was still super disappointing and even downright cringey, and I will never forgive them for turning one of my favorite parts of the show into a circus act. Honestly, if they weren’t going to do the Evil Queen justice, I would’ve rather they hadn’t gone anywhere near her. So that would be change #1: Drop the camp or drop that storyline entirely.

And they could’ve dropped it entirely. That exciting land of Untold Stories they teased us with in the S5 finale was... a let-down. Yes, we got Jekyll and Hyde and Captain Nemo... but the Aladdin stuff they gave us was more fairytale than literary classic, and wtf was up with the ridiculous one-off shit like the Count of Monte Cristo? There were SO many classics they could’ve visited, and greater detail they could’ve gone into with the ones they DID visit... and the Land of Untold Stories was so COOL looking, with its wild mix of architecture and dirigibles and steampunk style. WHY would you create such a fantastical and fun-looking world, and then take everyone from that world and put them in OUR boring ass world? S6 should’ve taken place IN the Land of Untold Stories and brought us a lot more fresh takes and characters from that land than the pittance we got. AND MORE STEAMPUNK, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

I’m also still angry that they teased me with an asylum plot in the press before the S5 finale, then gave me a taste of it IN that finale... and then ripped it from my greedy, hot little hands. They didn’t even put Killian Jones in a straitjacket while they were there. What the fuck, guys? Who does that? That man was born to be put into a straitjacket for my enjoyment and you had him RIGHT THERE and even put someone in a straitjacket, but it was the wrong fucking someone. Had S6 stayed in the Land of Untold Stories, we could’ve had untold opportunities for more asylum whump, and they could’ve put Killian in a straitjacket and made all of my dreams come true.

And why the SHIT did they actually kill off Hyde when Sam Witwer was the best thing to happen to that show since Colin, himself?! I mean, yeah, the Jekyll and Hyde storyline was probably planned from the get-go to end in their deaths, but when you see what a complete GEM Hyde is, what with his penchant for the Evil Queen’s cooking and his ridiculously awesome facial expressions and his dashing dapper-do and Sam Fucking Witwer’s everything... change whatever the fuck you need to change to somehow keep this man on your show. And then they even went and full-on made this man redeemable and gave him a heartbreaking backstory right before they killed him. Like, fuck you? Seriously. Fuck everyone for that one. I will never forgive them for killing Hyde.

Okay. Moving on from my general complaints, we come to my Killian-specific complaints. And there’s a lot of them. S6 did that character SO wrong SO many times... I really just want to take it out back and beat the shit out of it.

For starters, his relationships were ALL thrown in the shitcan. It was like S3-S5 just never happened and he was right back to Square One with everyone, being that dastardly pirate that can’t be trusted and that no one could ever care about. People who clearly cared enough about him to go to the fucking Underworld for him in S5 were suddenly calling him a pirate like it’s a foul word, and blatantly telling him he’s not good enough to be part of the family. Yeah, I get it, they wanted some dramatic negativity before showing these characters fully accepting and embracing him as part of their clan... but you know what makes for really awesome storytelling? Realistic relationships that grow and evolve over the course of several seasons - which was what they fucking HAD before they threw them all in the shitter for fake “developments” that had already happened. And FYI, Henry was actually nastier to Killian in the beginning of 6x06 than he was during the Spell of Shattered Sight. Like, did no one at the writers table even pause in their pursuit of drama long enough to realize that if Henry really ever had that much animosity towards Killian, it would’ve come out THEN? Or, you know, at any point in the course of the last four seasons?!

And it goes without saying: I would never, ever, ever have had Killian be the murderer of David’s father. Or, at the very least, I would’ve never had the murder go down the way they showed it in the flashback. Have it be an accidental death. Have it be a pirate duel. Have it be anything but cold-blooded murder. First of all, it’s just not believable that David could forgive him so easily and so quickly for depriving him of a loving father for no fucking reason. Secondly, they spend four whole seasons showing us flashbacks of a pirate with a deeply-buried heart of gold, who kept wanting to make the right decisions... but ended up making the wrong ones time and time again. They never showed us, before this ridiculously cheap dramatic ploy, a man who willfully murdered people just for shits and giggles. Finally, Killian Jones is a motherfucking pirate. Stealing from the King is par for the course, but the whole “Dead men tell no tales” thing makes ZERO sense. Pirates thrive by striking FEAR into the hearts of their enemies, and you don’t get a solid reputation for being a cut-throat villain to be feared by literally killing off all the witnesses to your evil deeds. Pirates are like, one step short of going “BEHOLD! It is I, Captain PirateGuy, here to steal your gold and seduce your ladies! Be sure to tell all your friends and neighbors about this when we’re through.” So... yeah. Way to throw a completely nonsensical spanner in the works that makes literally NO sense and flies in the face of everything else you’ve said and shown about this character in the past. It’s shit, and I refuse to accept it, and they should be sorry for its very existence.

And then there’s Captain Swan. *sigh* This relationship fell prey to the same shit that ALL of Killian’s relationships were destroyed by throughout S6. Only it was much, much worse here - because this is supposed to be (and has been!) his closest, most important relationship. And yet... We see Emma blow him off and then lie right to his face in the very first episode. Then she lies some more in each of the next few episodes, and when her lies are finally revealed, she doesn’t even seem to give a shit about the trust she’s betrayed or the hurt she’s caused. And the fact that they even filmed that deleted scene with Emma giving Killian a flippant “I said I was sorry...” just shows how fucking tone-deaf those writers were. If someone lies to your face, repeatedly, over something of life-or-death importance and for a lengthy period of time, then basically gives you a “I said I was sorry, what more do you want from me?” twenty minutes after their lies are revealed, because you’re still sore about it... get the FUCK out of that relationship immediately, because that person does not give two shits about you.

Things only got worse when she snooped through his belongings, pushed him to propose on her terms and when she wanted him to (despite the fact that he was clearly drunk and troubled by something at the time), called off their engagement when he dared to keep something from her (despite the fact that she’d just recently spent weeks lying right to his face), believed that he would just abandon her completely despite everything they’d been through, lied to him again right before their wedding in the course of once again shutting him out and not letting him help her with something (even though that’s literally the EXACT reason she ended their engagement when HE was the one doing it)... I mean, come on. That is NOT the CS I signed up for, and I refuse to accept it as the CS that is my OTP.

Hence, the Dark Emma explanation was born in my head. And when it comes to changes to S6... I’d either completely re-write about 90% of S6′s CS storylines... or make my Dark Emma theory a reality. The theory is as such: Since Emma did not die in 5x11, but merely had her Darkness sucked into Killian/Excaliber before HE died... some residual darkness remained in her. Nothing much was seen/noticed in 5b (though Killian DID make a comment about her not sleeping...) because she was too focused on saving Killian. However, once she was back home, safe and sound with her man, the Darkness started showing itself. She lied to those she loved. She made uncharacteristically selfish decisions. She hurt people. She eschewed all she’d learned about letting others in and getting help from the people who love her. And it wasn’t until her literal and figurative death at Gideon’s hands that the Darkness was truly eradicated from her - and only THEN could she truly find her Happy Beginning.

Oh, and by the way, I also hate the writers for even HAVING Killian walk to the docks with a packed bag and even consider boarding the Nautilus and leaving town. No. Just... no. Having him even CONSIDER doing that is even worse than having Emma believe he WOULD do such a thing to her. It’s like they got the S6 writers out of a Cracker Jack box and not a single one had ever watched an episode of the show or seen this couple before in their lives. Their whole fucking SCHTICK is that he would NEVER abandon her, that he would follow her to the end of the world or time itself... and that, despite a lifetime of fears and abandonment issues, Emma Swan has come to TRUST that he would never leave her. YOU CAN’T JUST GO “LOL, THAT’S NOT TRUE NOW” AND EXPECT ME TO ACCEPT THAT SHIT. No. Fuck you. Fuck your entire season AND the boat it rode in on. Just... fuck, man. FUCK.

The wedding was nice, though. I loved the musical aspect. Everyone did great in it. It was a truly lovely episode in almost every way, although I didn’t care for Emma’s dress and especially not her hairdo. It was too stark, too severe, but somehow too fancy at the same time... and it seemed more Jen Morrison than Emma Swan to me. Other than that, though, it was lovely. Everyone looked lovely. The singing was lovely. The vows were lovely. Shame about the whirling black vortex of doom, though.

Speaking of things that suck, I would also like to set that fucking doily shirt that Emma wore in 6x17 on fucking fire. And she actually DARED to rescue my man in that atrocity. Did she not realize I would need to SEE that shitty article of clothing every time I admired that dashing rescue? Did no one think of the KWs of the world who would suffer from this fashion faux pas?!?!

Oh, and I hate that they literally had Emma burn Killian’s image in the curse and not have any kind of recollection. I mean, I get that they wanted Henry to make her believe, and the way they got him to do that was cute, but did they HAVE to show Emma looking at Killian’s picture burning in the fire and being like, “Eh, he might ring a bell, but not enough to bother thinking about for more than a second or anything.” I could’ve done without that scene, honestly, because it just comes off like, “This love isn’t strong enough to break through this curse!” and EXCUSE ME, but where’s the fucking fun in that? Haven’t any of those bitches ever read a goddamn fanfic?! LOVE BREAKING THROUGH A CURSE IS ALL THE RAGE, GUYS. That’s the kind of shit we like to read and see in our OTPs. What’s with this “Eh, let that handsome fucker on page 172 burn” shit??

Oh, but that scene where Fiona serves the charred remains of the book to Henry on a platter would need to stay. That shit was stone cold savage. That bitch came to play, and that scene straight up told you that she was NOT going to be sitting at anyone’s Thanksgiving table next year, asking someone to pass the potatoes like she was just named People Magazine’s Redeemed Villain of the Year or something. She meant business.

Finally, I think I would’ve ended the show with the S6 finale. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed S7 and I loved KnightRook and Wish Hook and all the excellent Colin content we got that year... but in hindsight, the Hail Mary play of rebooting the series really just didn’t work, and S7 ended up as the “extra chapter” the series itself didn’t need. It’s not that I would want to give up the awesomeness of what we had... It’s just that I feel like if we hadn’t had it, we’d be unaware of what we were missing out on anyway, but the series as a whole would’ve maintained more of its impact and dignity.

But then, we were blessed with Wish Hook and the wonders of S7 Hooked Queen, so... :D I mean, coulda shoulda woulda, I’ve got ‘em now and you can’t take that away from meeee...

[somniumoflight]

Crossover Idea #7 – Hollow Knight and Katekyo Hitman Reborn!

Tsuna is pseudo-adopted by the Grimm Troupe

Okay so like, hear me out here. Tsuna and the Grimmchild. Tell me them being buddies and getting into shenanigans wouldn’t be cute, I dare you.

In all seriousness, though, there’s more to the idea than that.

So, what I’m thinking in terms of backstory here for this world is as follows – a long time ago, the world was more or less as we see in Hollow Knight, with great big wastelands between kingdoms that stripped travelers of their memories (and also of their minds, as per one of my headcanons) and gods maintaining the kingdoms that served as bastions from the Wastes.  Despite being basically an apocalyptic wasteland with the occasional oasis for people to live in, the world wasn’t actually dying.  Kingdoms, yes, but not the world itself, and it could have lasted for a long time so long as there were gods around.  However, this is where Kawahira’s people came in – their people were dying due to having no gods to maintain their kingdoms properly, and in an effort to save themselves they created the Tri-Ni-Sette as a replacement.  Thing is, it worked a little too well, and its effects actually covered the entire world.  While this meant that mortal life could flourish, the actual gods began to slip into obscurity – they’re still around, but far less important and powerful, and no longer necessary for maintaining life.

Now, fast-forward about 30,000 years.  Humanity has flourished and taken over most of the known world, though there’s still a small continent unexplored due to several bug gods banding together and creating treacherous storms in order to protect their kingdoms from being colonized.  The Tri-Ni-Sette is deteriorating, threatening the reappearance of the Wastelands, thus the need for the Arcobaleno.  However, most humans aren’t aware of this, save for the Arcobaleno themselves, and so they live in peaceful bliss.  However, the remaining bugs are all too aware of the Tri-Nii-Sette’s deterioration eventually bringing back the Wastelands, and their remaining gods have banded together to prepare.  Amongst one of these gods is Grimm, the Nightmare King and Master of the Grimm Troupe, who is one of the only gods (save for the Radiance and the Vessels, yes they exist too) who risks traveling through dreams to human continents.  He and his troupe travel from place to place, hidden as an eccentric and spooky human circus instead of the bugs they really are, drifting from town to town to gather Essence in preparation for the return of the Wastelands.

It’s during one of these trips overseas that they end up in Namimori, maybe two years after Tsuna’s Flames are sealed by Nonno and Idiotsu (Iemitsu).  The little Sky accidentally stumbles across their tents while trying to escape from his bullies, and though he is at first frightened by them (to be fair the Troupe IS pretty spooky and they throw fire around) they’re also a hell of a lot nicer to him than humans are and he’s quick to warm up to him.  The reverse is also true, and so while the troupe eventually leaves town, as they must do, they promise to visit again and the latest Grimmchild is left in Tsuna’s care both as a friend and to continue gathering Essence from Namimori.

Combining the Grimmchild, who is literally a fireball-spitting baby, with the sheer number of shenanigans that go on in KHR canon quickly sends canon tumbling off-track at break-neck speeds, while creating new shenanigans for Tsuna to deal with at a much younger age.

Details for this fic include:

The Grimm Troupe isn’t just made up of Grimm, the Grimmkin, Brumm and Divine – there are several Vessels in the Troupe as well who decided to come along with him and be part of the troupe (because even in a world where all bug gods are united under one goal, the Pale King is still a terrible father.) Amongst them is Ghost and “Pure,” aka baby Hollow Knight that was never actually used to seal the Radiance and is thus more or less fine, because the Vessels deserve good lives damn it.

The Vessels Do Not Understand People for the most part – emotions are hard for them.  They all like Tsuna though, and basically adopt him as another Sibling along with  Grimmsmol.

The Grimm Troupe knows about Tsuna’s Seal immediately upon meeting him thanks to nightmare-god-voodoo tricks, basically.  However, the lack of Flames doesn’t bother them, because unlike humans, who all have at least dormant Flames, Bugs don’t naturally have Dying Will Flames.  

This whole “all humans have Flames” thing is the source of Tsuna’s abuse by Namimori post-Sealing, though – he feels “empty” to them and instinctively they all hate that.  So Grimm, being a literal god albeit a weakened one, uses his own nightmare flames to start burning the Seal away a little bit at a time.  They’re just similar enough to Sky Flames that he can sort of get away with it without causing permanent damage so long as he’s careful, but due to the nature of his own fire Tsuna’s get a little… eldritch when he’s finally able to use them again.

Eldritch as in his Flames can now burn Essence and are made stronger every time they do so, and they feel really weird to normal Flame-Actives.  And may or may not cause nightmares in people they’re not compatible with.  It doesn’t help with human people in Naminori not liking him anymore, but hey, at least now the bullies leave him alone!

Tsuna, being an impressionable kid, starts emulating the Troupe after they’ve helped him.  He may or may not wear all red and black, and try to take dancing lessons after school.  He also may or may not be given a Grimm Troupe mask at some point and it sort of becomes his security blanket even when he’s not wearing it.

The Grimmchild is a grade A Accidental Troublemaker.  They’re old enough to be able to spit fire, but not old enough to know how to control it properly, so they catch a lot of things on fire when excited, or mad, or just in general, and usually by accident.  It happens so often that spontaneous combustion around town barely makes anyone bat an eye after a few years.

They start doing it on purpose as they get older though, mostly because some of Tsuna’s bullies can’t take a hint and need to be scared off sometimes until they smarten up finally and leave him alone.

Grimmsmol may or may not accidentally smack into babby Hibari while flying one night and catch the carnivore’s attention as a “baby carnivore.”  Hibari ends up actually helping gather Essence with Tsuna and Spooky Junior early on, which leads to him both going Active due to a particularly nasty restless ghost (which is where they get Essence from in the first place) and him ending up with a little bit of nightmare in his Flames as well… not that he needs them much, haha.

Something similar may or may not end up happening with Chrome (and later Mukuro, who escapes the Vindice earlier than canon to go to Namimori at Chrome’s suggestion), Takeshi, and also Ryohei (he thinks the little hellbat baby is EXTREME, enough said.)  Basically all Tsuna’s Elements end up with the nightmare flames thing going on to a degree.

The first time Tsuna’s new friends meet Grimm, they all basically decide we want to be like you. Yes, even Hibari, though he’s more focused on the whole super-powerful fireball-throwing “carnivore” thing than the oh my god you’re so cool/extreme sentiments the rest of them have.

Grimm ends up teaching them all how to “dance,” aka they all end up acrobatic fire-throwing fighter, though they each end up developing their own “dancing” style at his insistence.

The little differences all start stacking up until by the time Reborn arrives in Namimori, Tsuna’s Seal is already broken, he has four out of six element bonds, their flames are all slightly infused with nightmares due to proximity to Grimm Jr. and the Troupe, all five of them are already budding badasses due to Grimm’s lessons and them practicing when he’s not in town, and all of them are slightly creepy to everyone not in their circle.

Funnily enough, this Tsuna isn’t so reluctant about being a Mafia Boss, and Reborn is a lot more reluctant to teach the kid.  Tsuna figures that being a Mafia Boss would let him help the Troupe gather Essence more easily, since he’d have a lot more power and would know more about where all the gruesome deaths that create the Ghosts that create Essence in the first place would be.  Reborn, on the other hand, is unnerved by Tsuna and Co’s weird Flames and their eagerness to become Mafioso, and their calmness when confronted with death, which isn’t normal for civilians.  Hibari he can understand, he’s Fon’s nephew and technically already part of the underworld, but the rest of them? He’s actually pretty sure he’s accidentally discovered actual demons in disguise, which is pretty funny actually since he’s technically still more dangerous than all of them.

Reborn does end up in the Tsuna and Co. bandwagon eventually though, because once he knows the full reasons why they wanna be in the Mafia, and he sees the sheer chaos potential of the group (Grimmchild included), he’s all for training these little demons.  (And all for meeting Grimm because hey, actual god that can burn away Flame Seals without having Flames – maybe he has some insight into how to break the Arcobaleno curse?)

Bonus: Hayato is thrilled when he ends up being called in, not just because he has a chance to fulfill his dream but also because his future Boss is literally friends with a baby UMA and the baby UMA’s parents and family.  That and the Grimmchild really doesn’t like Bianca and is perfectly willing to try to catch her on fire when she’s nearby.

Good god that’s a lot of text.  Uh, whoops?

[weaselle]

I put them both in one post.

I have a brother 10 years older than me and a younger brother and sister 5 and 7 years younger than me respectively. I call the older by his name, and also “dude” a lot. You know those twisty metal puzzles you have to figure out how to take apart or put back together, like puzzle rings and shit? He can do those in seconds without even thinking about it, like, idly while talking to you. He’s a daredevil bombs and blades tinkerer, and a practical joker. Once he told me he was getting out of the lake because it was noon and that’s when the sun shone straight down to the bottom and woke IT up, and then got out and snuck halfway around the lake to climb back in and swim up from underneath me to wrap a hand around my ankle and suddenly yank me down about ten feet at an angle toward the center of the lake. He went to jail for building a bomb, it’s a good thing they never found his other homemade weapons, like arrows with exploding tips, or the underslung potato gun mounted to the frame of his car. And I SAY potato gun but I saw him use his tester model to launch a wad of duct tape through a truck camper shell at the junk yard in the R&D phase, and he use to load it with a wad of something for batting topped by a snapple cap and a handfull of roofing nails and disintegrate mail boxes with it. He is a good wood sculptor and has a surprisingly delicate yet raw style when drawing with charcoal or graphite. He can take apart and put together almost anything. I could just write a whole book about his antics.

With my younger brother it’s mostly his name and “dude” quite often. Every once in a while, I will call him bro, or brother, but usually when I am low-key reinforcing our age difference. Like if he thought mom would react one way to something, but I had seen her reaction to that same thing before he was born or whatever, like, brother, I’ve known her longer. He is one of two people I know personally who may be legit geniuses. He used to play video games in the early 90′s by hacking their code and modding them - I’d walk in and he’d be 12 years old like “Instead of cannon balls, I made the cannon shoot cows that bounce around randomly a few times and explode, and I’m trying to make it so that each time a cow bounces, it spawns another bouncing cow bomb”. He has a… I want to say a Masters in Physics. His math teacher in high school tried to hold his interest by having him teach the first 15 minutes of each class. Once when the rest of us siblings were all standing around talking about sneaking out of the house, we asked if he ever did and he was like “why would I sneak out in the middle of the night… that’s when I sleep.” Now he’s a very mellow polyamorous hacker who brews his own beer and “isn’t allowed to tell you where I work, it’s so silly”

Our youngest I call by her name, and dude a fair amount, and a combination of the word sister and her name (like if her name was Brittany I would call her Sisttany) I do call her sister more than I use brother for my fraternals, but she calls us all brother quite a bit.  I think there are some complex reasons for that, but it boils down to her having been teased terribly and given a very hard time growing up by us, her brothers, who had a certain alliance against her. Of course by now we’re forced to admit that she is awesome and special and maybe the best of all of us. Certainly the coolest. Like, my younger brother is hella cool on paper, but when you’re in a room with him, he’s a little.. the only way he pulls it off is by truly not giving a fuck if people think he’s cool, which, as we all know, instantly awards coolness to whatever you’ve got going. On the other hand, when my sister is in a room, people laugh when she decides something is funny. Someone else is often making the decisions, but everyone only agrees to go along with them if sheagrees with them. She’s not wearing those clothes because they are cool, those clothes are cool because she’s wearing them, Once she worked at the same hotel I did for a while, and I asked her what she thought of it, and she said “I only ever want to work in a hotel again if I OWN it”. She was 19. She once knocked out her (now ex) boyfriend for forcefully taking his car keys away from her too roughly when he’d been drinking. He realized what he’d done too late to save him and she pulled him down from the fence he was climbing to get away from her so she could lay him out. She ran her own business for a while doing marketing stuff for publications and wineries and things, but she felt she was working too hard for the return she was seeing, and now she works for some firm overseeing the people who manage their social media or something.

And then there’s me, the Bard of the group, basically. I travel around on lots of adventures (I was arrested by the US airforce in Germany, I got stuck in England for a summer when they took my passport away from me at Heathrow - I stayed at a circus school with a few of the circus students who had no real home to go back to for the summer, and I put together a circus busking group with some of them and that’s how I made enough money to eat every day.) I used to write and produce full length comedies for the stage. I was SO sure I was going to be a con-artist, so I studied slight of hand and magic ( I ran a crooked poker game at recess) but as a young adult, when I picked my first pocket, I found I had no taste for stealing from real people (I’ll fuck up Coke any day, where’s Amazon’s pocket? Side note: I tapped the guy on his shoulder and handed his wallet back to him and said “I think you dropped this” and never picked a pocket again, but I can still do some pretty interesting stuff with cards and coins and things, Juggle knives and torches. that sort of stuff). Anyway, I adventure, and I write songs and stories, and my siblings mostly call me by my name, and very occasionally, dude. Also, my origins are steeped in mystery and my siblings are actually my cousins by blood, but that’s another story. Okay, here is that story.

My Grandmother was left-handed and the reason I love cooking and definitely some kind of Being. Her title was The Grandma. She had 4 great grandchildren by the time she died, and so her daughters became Grandma, but she was THE Grandma. She had this way about her, like she was incredibly present, but also paying attention to everything in the whole world. And then sometimes (notably when you fucked up) it was like she pulled her attention off all those things and put the whole thing on you; it was very unsettling. And she had the Voice, which she almost never used.

The last time Grandma traveled on an airplane with us, we were going though security and she couldn’t go through the metal detectors because by then she couldn’t get out of the wheelchair for longer than twenty seconds at a time. The TSA agent said she was going to search her or pat her down instead, and reached for my Grandmother. And Grandmother said, in the Voice

“Don’t touch The Grandma”

The TSA agent blinked and looked at grandma’s eldest daughter (a celtic witch if ever there was one) who merely shrugged and said “…don’t touch the grandma”.

TSAgent hesitated as if about to reach forward and insist, thought better of it, called TSA Supervisor over. TSA Supervisor explained everything to The Grandma - it’s just a quick pat-down, everybody who can’t go through the detectors has it done, they won’t even ask her to stand - and then reached forward to pat down my grandmother

“Don’t. Touch. The Grandma”

TSA Supervisor’s hands stopped as if hitting glass. She looked confusedly back and forth between the TSA agent and my grandmother for a second, and then the confusion left her face and she stepped aside, looked at the TSA agent and said “Don’t touch the Grandma” and waived us through security. They didn’t even scan the rest of us

It’s a shame she couldn’t fly anymore after that, she loved to fly; when her first husband died, she married P, a WW2 B52 crewman who taught her to pilot small planes, and they would fly up and down the coast to any cities they wanted to visit - she knew the West Coast in a way few people do.

One morning in the deserts of Nevada a year after P’s death she woke me up and said “get dressed, were going to into town to the casino; P visited me in a dream last night and told me I’d win a video poker jackpot with a royal flush today” and we drove into town so she could spend fifteen minutes playing video poker. I say fifteen minutes, because after fifteen minutes she hit her jackpot with a royal flush in hearts, and we went back home.

She used to sit in her chair in her living room with her back to the kitchen wall, and I’d go to leave the kitchen and I’d hear her from the other room “don’t you leave my kitchen mat like that” and I’d look over my shoulder at the mat in front of the sink, and sure enough, it would be all rumpled up; sorry grandma.

Grandma and I shared a birthmark, a red stain I won’t describe fully. And my grandmother and I were both adopted. Let me explain.

My Grandmother was adopted by a nice family.

And then that family all died, and she was adopted AGAIN.

She grew up and married a man whose Irish father I am named after: K, who came here from Ireland to work the Alaskan gold rush. She and her husband lived with his father K for a while, and this is a story about that:

Every Sunday. great grandpa K would go off on his own for a couple hours to “walk in the woods”. Grandma followed him one day. K walked into the woods, packed a pipe, sat down with his back to a tree, and took a small handful of nuts and seeds and fruits and leaves out of his shirt pocket. He scattered them around. Soon, as if expecting him, several animals came and helped themselves. The squirrels climbed all over him, on his head even. The raccoons sat in his lap. The birds sat on his knees and shoulders and in his beard and peered into his face. The deer checked his jacket for more snacks. After they hung out for about an hour, they all went on their way. Then K smoked his pipe and went home.

Grandma and K’s son had 5 kids.

One died as a child.

The eldest became an ER nurse and a savant witch. She would never admit she is a witch, but there’s a horseshoe over her door (not the front door, mind you, but the door she actually uses) and she’s the one who taught me to always leave a single spider in your house when you clean. She has a natural way with plants and animals -  the deer eat everything but her herb garden, which isn’t even fenced. This year one of them stayed in her backyard for nearly two months raising twins to be big enough to take back to the herd. She recognizes the individual squirrels and birds in her yard and knows their personalities and habits and things about their families. And of course as an ER and ICU nurse, she’s a hell of a healer.

The youngest was a witch, but sadly neglected, remained immature. Still, she had talents. She could fool people and make them laugh as easy as breathing, like some kind of glamour. Every long line of strangers she ever waited in became a party among friends. Could literally smell if you were lying to her. As in, she’d lean close and take a couple deep sniffs and then be like “Nope. Tell me, where did you really go after school?”

The only brother became a wandering holy man of sorts. Used to hitch-hike around the country in robes and junk, with a small, like, cult; then he quit them to just grow his own holy experience. He died in his 30s.

And the middle sister was my mother. She was double jointed and very dyslexic, and everyone says she was incredibly gifted in many ways. She did intricate artwork in ink, fractal gardens and faux woodgrain that was made of salvador dali faces, stuff like that. She was self taught on the piano, used to just walk up to a piano and play songs she made up on the spot that sounded how she was feeling and little crowds would gather. Made her own exercise equipment. Could pick up an accent within minutes and become semi-conversational in days. She had me with a half Japanese guy in the Air Force (he didn’t stick around). Then when I was about three, she sent me to live with her eldest sister, because her life got too, ah, interesting. Like, her partner had a hit put out on them. It wasn’t safe for me. By the time I was six it all caught up with her, and she died in an accident when she jumped out of the passenger side of a car and tried to run away as it stopped at a red light.

That’s when her eldest sister adopted me. The paperwork was messed up and my name is different on my birth certificate, my SS card, and my ID. Then, the person who filled out the “messed up” paperwork was fired, but I’m still a mystery to the bureaucratic world.  

So here I am, same birthmark as my psychic grandmother, orphaned son of a savant creative criminal and a Japanese-American soldier, named after my Irish, gold hoarding, bearded, pipe-smoking beastmaster great-grandsire; raised by a celtic witch, hidden away from the official world. Sometimes I feel like all those hero origin stories are trying to call me out of hiding. More about my adventures soon.

[toomanysurveys9]

Have you ever held hands with the last person you texted? last person i texted was my cousin and his wife at the same time. i don’t think i’ve ever held either of their hands. only one i might have held hands with is my cousin and that would have been years ago when we were younger. i think we used to play red rover so i might have for that. i just don’t remember who all used to play red rover. Can you remember the last conversation you had before you went to bed last night? Who did you talk to, and what did you talk about? i think the last person i talked to was jacob and i was just saying i knew things were frustrating right now while we are all trying to get situated in the new house, but that it’ll get better and easier. Are you okay? Be honest. If not, why not? i’m honestly not okay, but i’m trying to be for wy. i have to be. but last night my family got in a huge fight and my brother said he’s never coming back to this house just because my parents went to a movie and dinner with us, that we invited them to, after rose and lilli went to bed. well, rose woke up while we were at the movie and got in erin’s makeup that she left open and on the floor in her room... got makeup in their room and on the banister. we were able to get it cleaned up, so no big deal. erin laughs off the mess in her room and my brother loses it. they start fighting. then he starts telling my parents they’re not allowed to leave the house without lilli and rose (one: totally not his kids so not his call, two: lots of parents i know go out with family or friends when their kids are sleeping and another person, especially an adult is at home, and three: we invited them to the movie, they wouldn’t have went if we hadn’t). and he also told my parents that they need to be responsible for themselves because evidently they aren’t since they are living in this house with us. but we wouldn’t even have this house if it weren’t for them paying for the down payment. and we’re fine with them living here... they are going to help pay the bills, and whatever. and this isn’t even my brother’s house to be all shitty about. we weren’t happy she did what she did but she’s a kid, and it happens. now my parents are upset and depressed and my mom is saying this isn’t their home now and they’ll try to be out in two months... but we really don’t mind them being here while they get their stuff together. they’ve done it for us forever. it’s all just a mess.... Well, how’s your view of things today? not very good. pretty bleak really. i have to do laundry and work on getting our room done (because that’s pissing jacob off more than what happened with rose) but i am seriously lacking motivation to do shit today after last night. i’m just.. depressed.

How do people get addicted to such weird things, like house cleanser? i really don’t know. i think in most cases, they just try it one day and they like it, or it helps them feel better somehow, so they just keep doing it.

Do you watch Skins? never seen it. never been interested based on the little i know of it. Know any Gleeks? (yourself included) my sister watches it, but i don’t know if she is a “gleek”. Do you know what Bosco Sticks are? yeah. my high school used to serve them. everyone seemed to love them, with the exception of me. haha. If so, aren’t they like, amazing? i didn’t really care for them. Do you like your hoodies tight, or a lil’ oversized? oversized. i don’t like any clothes tight except maternity clothes when i’m pregnant. Have you ever been sailing? i have not. no where really close enough to do all that. Do you have any jewelry/accessories with owls (an owl..?) on it? i used to. i don’t know if i still have it..

What’s the closest thing to you that’s red? there’s some red, among other colors, on the pack of wipes on the back of the couch. Have you ever been fishing? a few times. it’s alright for awhile, but i get bored of it kind of quick. Have you ever heard of the movie ‘Frozen’? ugh. yes. my little sisters love it. What’s your favorite Bath & Body Works scent? oh man. i don’t know. there are so many good ones... one is definitely watermelon lemonade though! Have you ever received an anonymous gift? nope, at least not that i recall. Do you brush your tongue? not as often as i should i guess. i don’t like gagging. What kind of laugh do you have? i don’t know. but i don’t really like it. Do you plan on seeing The Black Swan? i’ve never seen it. i don’t remember hearing about it either... Do you keep a scrapbook? nope. Are you afraid of flying? it’s not my favorite. Would you rather go to Disney World, or Pleasure Island? disney world. i don’t even know what pleasure island is. and i’m too afraid to google it. Have you ever camped out somewhere for an event the next day? nope. i have not. Do you do anything regularly that could damage your body? nothing comes to mind, but it’s possible. Who will you be with Saturday night? it’s saturday and i’ll be here with my family, minus my brother and his girlfriend. What woke you up this morning? first time was jacob’s alarm. then jacob. and wyatt woke me up for the day. If you took a drug test would you pass it? yeah. i’ve never done a drug in my life. Did you kiss or hug anyone today? wyatt. Who was the last person you rode in a car with? my brother, his girlfriend, wyatt, and jacob. right before things went to shit after we got home from watching ant-man and the wasp. Do long distance relationships work? they can. Who do you wish you were with right now? i kind of want to just run away with wyatt for awhile. take a break. Is anything bothering you? family drama. What do you want to do right now? i don’t know. drive far away. Are you listening to music right now? i am not. Are you in a good mood? i’m trying to be. What are you doing this weekend? well, after last night, probably nothing, which is honestly fine with me. i’m fine just focusing on caring for wy and not interacting with really anyone. Are you talking to anyone while doing this? i am not, with the exception of wyatt on occasion. When were you the saddest in your life? probably high school.. Do you use eBay to buy or sell? neither really. i use amazon.. What makes you mad? family drama. people using me. owing people. Have you ever sang in public? i have a few times. Do you have a job? i’m a stay at home mom right now. Next concert? no plans for next concert. When is the next time you will take a shower/bath? Which one will you take? tomorrow probably and i only take showers really. As a child, did you ever get the chance to go to Disney World/Disneyland? nope. What state do you live in? What’s the best aspect about this state? indiana. i guess it’s kind of nice that it’s full of smaller towns, cos the people, although there never seems to be much to do. Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you? i know people.. Are you planning on going anywhere with someone, some time today? probably not. it’ll probably be a stay at home day. we were going to light off the rest of our fireworks... but that probably won’t happen now. Do you find your school to be loaded with hot guys or not so much? i’m not in school. Do you like to watch gay guys’ fashion do’s & don’t’s videos on YouTube? haven’t watched any so can’t really say. i’m not really into fashion though. What kind of cell phone do you have? (ex. flip, slider, or traditional.) it’s a smart phone. samsung galaxy s8+ to be exact... What would you consider the stupidest movie you’ve ever watched, ever? the purge movies or paranormal activity movies. also not a fan of the ted movies, or similar ones. Would you beat up anyone at the moment, if you absolutely had the chance? no. i’m really not a violent person. What color are the curtains in your room if you have any at the moment? they’re white in our bedroom. Is there anyone you are currently trying to get out of trouble? Why? no. i’m not. Are you one of those people who don’t like children of any kind at all? obviously not. i love kids. Are you planning on going anywhere today? Where are you going exactly? probably not. but i might go to the bookstore with my parents and grandparents depending on jacob. When was the last time you rode a horse, if you’ve ever ridden one? i have maybe rode a pony when i was little at the fair or something but that’s it. i did ride an elephant when we went to the circus one time many years ago. Are you plotting anything at the moment? If so, is this plot against anyone? not really, so no. If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? my brother lives with his girlfriend’s parents. rest of the siblings live with us. Do you know anyone who has or has had any kind of mental illness/disorder? yeah. it runs in the family. Do you ever listen to music so you can actually change your emotion? i have. usually now i just need some wyatt hugs. Have you ever gotten searched by the cops? when i visited a prison in high school. but that’s it. When was the last time you went to the mall? it’s been a few weeks. When was the last time you had a smoothie? a few weeks ago. Any fun plans for tonight? doubtful. everyone is still in a bad mood after last night.... Do you like fried rice? i do. When was the last time you cut your hair? before i got married, so it’s been a couple years. Are you wearing any socks? i am not. Did you dream last night? i did but i don’t remember much. Do you like melted cheese? i like cheese fries, and i like grilled cheese, so yeah. How are you sitting right now? criss-crossed. Are you currently wearing bobby pins? i am not. i basically never do. Are you a fan of ice hockey? i’ve never seen it. Do you want any piercings? not really, no. How often do you use the coffee maker? never. i don’t drink coffee really, unless i buy an iced coffee.. but i don’t do that often and i don’t make my own. When you were in elementary school, did you change best friends a lot? not really, no. i’ve never been great at making friends, so the friends i did make tended to be ones i had for a long time. Where was your last car ride to and from? well, we went to the movies so last time i was in the car was driving home from the movies. What were you doing at 4am this morning? sleeping. Did you drive at all today? i haven’t so far. Do you own any shoes from Demonia? i’ve never heard of that brand, so no. Can you see a cat from where you’re sitting?
 nope. he’s upstairs. Is banana bread better with or without chocolate chips? either way is good. How many Aeropostale hoodies do you have? none. Is there a high chance of you going out to the movies soon? we went last night. it’ll probably be a very long time before we go again. What body part aches you the most right now? none at the moment. What was the last thing you ate? i had strawberry banana yogurt for breakfast. Do you remember what initially got you hooked on surveys? myspace. this girl i used to consider my cousin (through my mom’s former foster parents) used to do them all the time. Does your sibling have a significant other? my brother does, and my fifteen year old sister does. What does your last text say? last text i got said “Yeah it is :) :)”. Are you someone who hates to read? nooo. i love reading. a lot. What was the reason for your last tear shed? my entire family fighting last night. it was bad. and then i was losing it crying, jacob wouldn’t hug me cos he was frustrated with everything, but wyatt started hugging me and patting me, and it was the sweetest thing. i feel bad my fifteen month old son was the one to comfort me though.

Who did you last go out to eat with? my mom, dad, brother, his girlfriend, jacob, and wyatt.. If your parents searched your room, would they be mad at what they’d find? no. i’m an adult. Do you have any plans for the weekend? not anymore. What was the last thing you drank? baja blast slushie last night that i barely touched because of all the fighting. Do you have any bruises? i have some small ones i don’t know what they are from.