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ghoulangerlee · 3 years

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kisses on the forehead or kisses from behind for Malex😊

so it takes me a while to write oops, but I didn't quite have inspiration but then 3x08 happened and well... y'know. I GUESS this could be considered a 3x08 coda because it takes place after The Kiss sorta. I haven't watched 3x09 yet so.

So, this is just. sweet and syrupy smut; there's both forehead kisses and kisses from behind ;;

Really though, sometimes you just wanna see Michael fucking Alex and like, write what you wanna see and all that hahaha.

Posted on tumblr bc I'm in denial that I'm writing for this fandom oop. (Side note: If you wanna support a writer I do have a ko-fi :). Please be gentle this is the first time I've written smut since like, before April this year.)

it's all under the read more because it immediately starts as smut, sorry adlkfjd.

------

Michael drops a tender kiss to the back of Alex’s neck as he settles on his knees between Alex’s spread legs, one hand curled around his thigh, shifting it outward until he’s spread just so.

Alex sighs out Michael’s name, turning his head to the side so he can watch the man from the corner of his eye—the early morning light is just now coming through the slats of the blinds, peeking through the curtains and it bathes Michael in a warm glow that almost makes everything feel like a dream.

It’s not though, a dream, finally after so much time apart, he—they can have this again, but slower now, less of a crash landing and more like coming home.

“This comfortable?” Michael’s voice is barely above a whisper, his words spoke into the soft skin behind Alex’s ear as he settles his weight down onto Alex.

A hum forces it’s way out of Alex’s throat, soft and pleased as he bends his other knee a little, using the leverage to push back against Michael, feeling where the other man is hard and ready, “S’good,” he finally manages, the words thick in his mouth, syrupy.

A soft hiss falls from Michael’s lips, the rush of cool air against Alex’s skin making him shudder, already so over sensitive from the soft, careful touches that Michael had woken him up with that morning. “I think we can make it better than just good,” he whispers, pressing another kiss behind Alex’s ear, “You up for it?”

Alex snorts softly, reaching back to halfheartedly swat at Michael’s side, the early morning must be getting to him, the new vulnerability of the two of them being together make Alex a little sentimental, a little honest, and before he can stop himself—“I’d been hoping for something like this for longer than I’d been willing to admit to myself.” He admits, voice quiet but clear, “I couldn’t dare to hope and now…”

Though he trails off, Michael seems to understand the implication as he shifts to the side, just enough to make the next kiss land somewhere near Alex’s lips, and when Alex turns his head just right, he catches Michael’s mouth in a kiss so sweet and slow that Michael’s weight presses him down more into the bed as a warm hand curls around his jaw, taking some of the strain off, holding him there for several long moments.

Distantly, Alex realizes that it’s Michael’s left hand, something that was once a reminder that what they had couldn’t be anything beyond a secret somewhere in the desert, but now—there’s no bandana wrapped around his hand anymore, there hasn’t been last night when Michael kissed him at the Pony, either, and something releases in his chest, something warm and happy—love.

“Michael,” Alex murmurs when they finally break apart, “Michael, I need—”

Michael’s lips press against Alex’s temple, “I’ve got you,” he whispers, dropping another kiss to his hairline before he pulls back, grabbing for the lube he’d tucked under his shin earlier, trying to warm it.

He smooths a hand down Alex’s back, shushing him softly when he makes a noise of discontent, “I’m not going nowhere,” he promises, voice low and full of intent, “Finally got you where I want you and I plan to take advantage of it.”

As he speaks, he’s squeezing lube onto his fingers, spreading it slowly as he closes the cap and drops it back down to bed, “Easy now,” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to Alex’s shoulder blade as he presses a finger into him slowly.

“Michael,” Alex breathes out then, at the careful, gentle touch, slow and easy like they’ve got all the time in the—

Oh. He realizes as Michael’s finger slides in deeper, they do have time now, they can afford themselves this luxury of taking things slow, of exploring each other and relearning everything that drives the other crazy.

“Michael,” he says again, clenching his fingers in the sheets, pressing his forehead against his wrist as he squeezes his eyes shut at the sudden onslaught of emotion that seizes him.

It’s new and he thinks, briefly that he might be moving way too fast in the grand scheme of things but this is what love feels like. This is what loving Michael Guerin is supposed to be.

Michael presses a kiss to Alex’s shoulder, “You still with me?” he murmurs, curling his finger in a way that has Alex gasping and shifting under him. “Seems like you’re thinking too hard for what’s going on right now.” He whispers the words into Alex’s skin, and Alex can feel the curl of his lips as he says it, playful and teasing.

“Thinking about you,” Alex manages, the words muffled into the skin of his wrist, “Always thinking about you.”

Michael hums at that, and Alex hears the click of the lube cap again before another finger presses inside him, the suddenness causing him to gasp, “I’m right here, baby,” he says, voice filled with soft amusement, “Don’t have to think that hard about me.”

When Alex groans this time, it’s mostly out of exasperation, “Michael,” he says, “Don’t be a dick.”

Michael laughs then, leaning over to press a kiss to Alex’s temple, “Darlin’,” he coos, “I’m just teasing you, helping you relax a little,” he murmurs, “Tryin’ not to blow my load while I finger you, baby. Thinkin’ about how after all this time, it finally feels like I’ve come home.”

“Jesus,” Alex groans, “I’m not going to last if you keep talking like that,” he says, with the slightest hint of desperation in his voice.

Michael hums, pressing another kiss to Alex’s temple, “Think you can handle another?”

“Could probably take you now,” Alex murmurs, shifting under Michael again, a little in impatience, a little to get friction against his dick, “Didn’t want to come across as too easy or too much so soon, but—”

Michael shushes him again, “I’ve always liked how easy you get for me,” he whispers into Alex’s ear, “How much you wanted to be with me back then. Always eager to get your hands on me, always wanting mine on you…” he smiles when he feels Alex shiver, “It’s okay to want things, and I’m going to do everything I can to make sure you get them.”

Alex makes a punched out sort of noise, “I want to feel you,” he admits quietly, shifting under Michael again, “Next time, we can go slower, you can draw it out for hours if you want, I just…”

“I’m going to hold you to that offer for next time,” Michael murmurs with a smile, “I’d love to get you all desperate and eager for me, keep you like this for however long I want,” he presses a kiss to Alex’s temple, then cheek, then jaw, “But this time, we’ve both wanted this for so long, I’d be a fool to draw it out for much longer.”

Alex makes some sort of noise in agreement and within the next few minutes, Michael is carefully sliding his fingers out of Alex, pressing a lingering kiss to the center of his back before the weight disappears—

Before he can think too much, before his lust addled mind can protest, Michael’s back, and suddenly, Alex’s need to see Michael kicks his hard in the ribs, “Michael, Michael,” he says, and his voice sounds strange to his own ears, “Michael, I want to see you, please.”

Michael’s weight disappears for a moment, and then his hands, warm and only the slightest bit sticky from lube are on his sides, helping him roll over until he’s spread out almost in the center of the bed, staring up at Michael with flushed cheeks and half lidded eyes.

“There you are,” Michael says with a warm smile, settling between Alex’s spread legs, his palms resting against Alex’s inner thighs now, pushing outward just enough for Alex to feel the stretch of it, “Like this?”

Alex nods, pushing himself up with one hand so he can curl his other arm around Michael’s shoulders, pulling him down until their chests are pressed together, tilting his head up so he can meet Michael’s lips in a kiss—he throws every single feeling he can’t put into words into that kiss, curling his fingers into the back of Michael’s hair, tugging him closer.

Michael goes easily, one hand gently cupping Alex’s jaw to kiss him back just as sweetly.

“I love you,” Alex whispers when they part, breathing heavily, lips parted and red, tempting and Michael kisses him again, harder this time, a little more desperate.

Michael pulls away moments later, resting their foreheads together, “I love you too,” he whispers into the space between their lips.

Alex smiles up at him, his cheeks flushed, eyes bright and happy and Michael makes a soft noise, “Jesus, Manes, you’re going to kill me.”

“Only in good ways, I hope,” Alex says, running his fingers through Michael’s hair, “Now,” he murmurs, nudging Michael’s side with his knee, “I believe we were in the middle of something?”

Michael huffs softly, fondly, shaking his head at Alex before leaning down for another quick kiss, “You’ve got me all distracted again,” he mumbles, leaning back as Alex drops back down onto the bed, laughing softly to himself and looking so happy that Michael almost wishes he could take a picture of this moment and keep it somewhere he can look at it whenever he feels the self-doubt sink in.

“Let me distract you in other ways, then,” Alex says with a grin, finding the lube, half wedged under his thigh now, “I think you know what to do from here, right?” he asks, tilting his head in question.

Michael shakes his head, laughs and takes the lube from Alex, shifting closer as he squeezes some lube into his palm, “You’re the one who kept distracting me,” he says, hissing softly as he takes himself in hand.

Alex bites his lower lip as he watches Michael touch himself, “Uh huh, just giving you a chance to get yourself under control so it’s not over in two minutes,” he teases, raising an eyebrow at Michael when he looks up, “Now come on,” he says, somewhat impatiently. “I need you, Michael.”

Michael huffs softly, uses the hand already around his dick to steady it as he pulls Alex’s hips further into his lap, pressing the head teasingly against where Alex wants him the most—he waits, listens to the hitch in Alex’s breath before he pushes inside, slow.

It’s incredible, like coming home all over again and something that now Michael’s sure he could never live without.

Alex’s hands grab for Michael’s biceps, head pushing back against the bed as he moans, half Michael’s name, half gibberish, curling one leg around Michael’s lower back, trying to pull him closer.

“I’ve got you,” Michael whispers, breathless, leaning close to press kisses along the curve of Alex’s jaw, “I’ve got you baby,” he repeats, feeling one of Alex’s hands come up to cup the back of his neck, holding him close, “Fuck, you feel amazing, so good for me, Alex.”

Alex makes a soft noise, shifting his hips further into Michael’s lap, “I missed this,” he admits with a sigh, sliding his palm up Michael’s arm, across his shoulder, “Missed us being together like this, feeling you like this.” He tilts his head, catching Michael’s lips in a sweet kiss. “You can move,” he murmurs into it. “I’m ready.”

The first several thrusts are slow, a little shaky, as if Michael can’t seem to believe he’s actually allowed to have this again, that this isn’t a dream, that Alex is here and real under him, whispering soft words of pleasure against his mouth.

Michael rests his forehead against Alex’s shoulder and Alex’s arms come around him, holding onto him as each near breathless affirmation grows in volume, Alex’s hands petting along his upper back, nails scratching against skin so gentle that Michael almost wants to cry—

“Faster,” Alex murmurs into Michael’s ear, palms spreading out against Michael’s skin as he digs his heel into Michael’s lower back, “Wanna feel it, Michael,” he whispers, “Wanna feel you all day, wanna remember this when I’m alone,” he drags his nails lightly up the center of Michael’s back, feeling him shudder under his touch, feels his hips quicken, feels the way Michael grabs him with both hands, hitching him higher into his lap, “That’s it—”

Michael makes a noise, something low and guttural as he pulls back from Alex’s shoulder, his lips finding Alex’s in a desperate kiss; deepening it almost immediately in a way that has Alex groaning into it, digging his nails harshly into Michael’s back.

“Gonna make you come first,” Michael mumbles as he pulls away, “Touch yourself for me, show me how good I’m making you feel, baby.” He brushes his nose gently against Alex’s before he’s glancing between them, watching Alex wrap a hand around himself, trying desperately to keep up with the quick pace Michael’s set.

It doesn’t take long after that, never takes long when they really get into it, Alex realizes somewhere distantly, they’d always been compatible sexually, everything about it explosive and mind blowing no matter the situation—but now, with Michael pressing kiss after kiss to every inch of exposed skin he can reach, with Michael whispering soft words against his shoulder, his chest, fucking into him just right, Alex can’t help himself—he gasps Michael’s name, long and low as he arches, feels Michael’s hand cover his as he comes, and together they stroke him through it until he’s sensitive and gasping, nudging their hands away with a shudder of almost too much.

Alex pulls him into another kiss, mostly gasping against Michael’s mouth, quietly urging Michael to keep moving, to keep going; half words of love and praise fall from his lips as Michael breaks away from the kiss, resting his forehead against Alex’s shoulder again, holding his hips tight enough to leave behind bruises and—fuck what a thought that is, and if Alex could get hard again, he probably would, at the thought of Michael marking him in a way that no one could see but the both of them would know.

“Come, Michael,” Alex whispers, tangling his fingers in Michael’s hair, giving it a light tug, turning his head to press a wet kiss to his temple, “Come for me, baby, let me feel you,” he murmurs, wrapping his free arm around Michael’s shoulders, holding onto him tight even as the shocks of overstimulation become just on the side of too much—he gasps when Michael’s teeth close over his skin, right on the curve of his shoulder and with one more good tug of his hair, Michael’s swearing softly into his skin, hips moving in quick, short thrusts as if he can’t help it.

Alex feels the warmth, the way Michael’s thrusts taper off until he’s pressed as close to Alex as he can, buried deep inside him, gasping wetly against his shoulder as he comes down from his high, Alex’s hands gentle now, one petting over his sweaty back, the other gently scratching Michael’s scalp.

“Fuck,” Michael eventually mutters, pulling back so he can look down at Alex, “We’ve still got it, huh?” he asks, face adorably flushed, looking completely fucked out as Alex feels and Alex laughs, gently pulling Michael down into another kiss.

Michael goes to pull back, to separate them, to clean up, but Alex just makes an impatient noise against his mouth, tugging him deeper into the kiss, into his embrace, until Michael’s weight is resting fully on Alex, pressing him down into the bed.

When they finally do separate, Alex laughs a little, brushing Michael’s hair back from his face, “I know we should clean up, maybe get breakfast, but I kind of want you right here for a little bit longer.” He admits softly, framing Michael’s face with his hands. “We have a lot to do still and I’m not ready for this to end just yet.”

“The afterglow?” Michael asks, leaning into Alex’s touch, eyes fluttering closed, smiling when Alex hums in reply. “I think we can stay like this a little bit longer, don’t think the world’s gonna end just yet.

Alex glances over at the window, where the curtain’s parted just enough to let in the early morning light—and Michael huffs a little, waves his hand as the curtains close on their own, the room suddenly a little darker than before.

“Michael,” Alex says, snatching his phone out of the air from where it’s floating just beside them, “What—”

“Set an alarm, give us an hour, and then, we’ll get ready and go save the world,” Michael says, “I think we can afford that, don’t you?”

Alex looks between his phone, at the time across the screen—it’s not even nine yet, and then he looks down at Michael who’s staring up at him with such a look of love that Alex’s heart seizes in his chest, “Okay,” he finally says, “Okay, yeah,” he blindly fumbles his way through setting an alarm, tossing his phone down onto the bed when he’s done, “An hour. Breakfast then? We can go to the Crashdown, together,” he says, extra emphasis on the word together.

Michael’s smile is bright, and he leans down, presses a kiss to Alex’s mouth, “I knew I could convince you,” he says, shifting enough to rest his head on Alex’s chest, “An hour for us and then we’ll face the world together.”

#malex #rnm #my writing #i find that posting this on tumblr vs ao3 just makes me feel better #bc i dont feel like i should write for this fandom??? IDK #i might crosspost to ao3 eventually bc i do like this fic

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heymacy · 3 years

Text

author interview

i was tagged by my beloved @iansfreckles 🧡🧡🧡

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

5, about to be 6! ✨

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

233,543 holy WOW

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Teenage Dirtbag

Teenage Dirtbag: The One Shots

pulling on your threads

The Ginger Intruder

Help Is Other People

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i don’t usually and i feel fucking awful about it. i don’t really leave comments either, but i’m getting better about that 🥺 i’m way better about answering asks, but even that’s hard sometimes because i don’t wanna put spoilers on people’s dashboards unintentionally. idk, i have a lot of anxiety surrounding that sort of stuff but i’m trying to do better! i’m challenging myself to respond to every single comment on chapter 1 of TLO 😤

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

oh boy. um, none of them? when i finish HIOP (i haven’t abandoned it, i’ve just been hella busy with TLO and life and stuff) it’ll have a similar sort of bittersweet ending as in TGP canon, but i don’t particularly like truly angsty endings. i honestly don’t know if i’ll ever write one. angst in a fic? yes, absolutely, tons of it, please. but i need a happy ending.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

teenage dirtbag 🥺🥰 those lil fuckers really did that, didn’t they?

7. Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

“Help Is Other People” is sort of a shameless/TGP crossover bc of characters & concepts, but it’s not exactly a “crossover” in the traditional sense? it’s probably the only one i’ll ever write bc it just happened to line up perfectly with the character journeys, it was never my intention to write a crossover because i personally don’t care for them lmao

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

shockingly enough, no. not in the comments or anything. i’ve had a few rude anons but their messages were written in such a way i knew it was a them-issue and i just happened to say/write something that they didn’t particularly like in that moment and became a target of their anger. if i ever did get a true hate comment, y’all would never know because i would never publish it & give them that sort of satisfaction, lmao. i mean, i might, if it was funny and i needed to make a point 👀

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yes, sparingly. well, until TLO comes along 🤭 then “sparingly” will be replaced with “gratuitously” for a while, oops 🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️ and all kinds, eventually. my only published stuff right now is awkward boyfriends content and TLO is…very different lmao

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

no, and holy shit that happens?? oh that’s fucked up

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

no, but oh my god i’d cry if that happened

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no! but i think it would be fun to try when i’m not so busy with other projects lmao (don’t worry, i’ll be stickin’ around this little sphere of the internet for quite some time)

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

all time? temperance brennan and seeley booth from “bones”. then ian and mickey, then my headcanon versions of alice cullen and bella swan. yes i’ve written fic for all of them. yes i enjoy my characters with a dash of ✨trauma✨ and what about it? 😌

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

none, i will finish every WIP i ever start goddammit 😤😤😤 (this is more for me than anyone else)

15. What are your writing strengths?

i have a hard time gauging my own strengths, so here’s what people have told me in messages/comments before: thoughtful world-building, immersive and/or cinematic writing style, creative storylines. and i’ll agree with them bc i’m trying to be better about doing that 💛

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

much like in real life, i talk too much. my writing is often long-winded and rambling and it’s definitely something i’m working on. i also change a lot of shit last minute so maintaining consistency with small details is difficult for me sometimes, and i lose a lot of writing time to double-and-triple-checking every little stupid thing 😭

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

i think it’s a really interesting artistic choice to write a fic in one language and have pieces of dialogue in another language within the story - if i came across that in a fic, i’d be hitting google translate immediately because i’d be so curious - it could be interesting to hide a lil easter egg in a story that way 👀

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

twilight FUCK OFF

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

i have literally no idea, i hadn’t written fic for 6 years before i started writing TD and i only started again because i was so invested in the characters!

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

teenage dirtbag 😍 my child, my love, my heart and soul, you’re everything to me 💛

i’m tagging: @arrowflier @gardenerian @sweetcresta & @xgoldendays 🥰

#author interview #fic things #tag games #about me #🥰💛✨

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ethelphantom · 5 years

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Heart Fragile

We’re back at angst with day 21, Broken. Oops? Some description of violence and stabbing but I don’t think it’s too graphic…? Also, no one dies so don’t worry about that. I’m not paralysing anyone either, not this time anyway. There’s also way too much italicised text used.

Dedicated to @eat0crow mostly bc she said, when I mentioned what I was writing, that the idea was painful, so yeah, here we are. Basically, Crow, this was written while I was very much planning on digging the heart out of your chest with a spoon, tearing it to pieces and burning the remains. You’re welcome. I hope you like it though lol.

The next one is all fluff and humour and happiness, I swear. Absolutely no angst in that one.

Ao3

This is Maribat – Don’t like; don’t read

______________________________

Even after all those years, she wasn’t able to stay on her feet too long, wasn’t able to use her lungs in their full capacity. The dagger that passed her chest and pierced even her lungs had made sure of it. Thankfully, the blade had missed her heart, even if only barely, because had that happened, she would have had much less chance of survival. Her chances would have gone from slim to none.

A complete collapsed lung, the stab wound itself, her barely missed heart and the every now and then reoccurring collapse of her left lung made sure she would never be able to fully recover to her original state from that day.

No one was sure how she survived either. By all likelihoods, she shouldn’t have, but she did. The help hadn’t arrived in time, her heart was only beating by some miracle when they got to her, and she’d lost too much blood, but somehow every single one of those things was still just early enough to make her survival a slim possibility.

There had not been a sight of the responsible one after that. Not a single one. No one else knew who it had been, no one but Marinette. She knew and knowing hurt because she had trusted that person with her life. Her protector had become her predator, nothing to explain why things had gone so left behind.

She still carried the bitter grudge from that day within her heart.

❋❋❋

A pained breath escaped Marinette’s lungs. “What… I— Jason? You— How could you?” Marinette gasped out, eyes wide as the one she loved pushed something sharp through her chest. It was slow, and the burning pain it caused was agonising. They were in the dark of the hallways of his father’s manor, but everyone else was gone for the night. They had made sure of it, together. No one would help her even if she screamed.

Was that why he’d wanted the manor empty…?

❋❋❋

It took her years to figure out how to go on. Tim and Dick were always there for her every step of the way, helping her adapt to life again. Tim especially, he was there as she had wanted to do something useful, and there wasn’t much she could after that injury and that day, so she was officially the main designer for a lot of things in the Wayne Enterprises. In reality, she helped the family her beloved had left behind, by looking at the cases they got and had, coming up with plans on how to solve them, helping them through the comms on the rare occasions they needed to go on site.

Tim and Bruce had taught her the art of detective work the most, and Dick had been there to teach her a little self-defence in case something happened. He had also been the one to teach her the most about police procedures.

What they didn’t know was that she used those skills they’d taught her to be able to find where Jason was, what had happened to him and what the hell he was doing now. The betrayal she now knew wasn’t for anything she would have approved of, nothing she could see as justification for his actions, and yet he’d done it anyway. The fire of her fury and bitterness and pain for what he had done to her burned brightly inside her, scorching everything in its way and burning it all to ashes, and Marinette knew she would need to find Jason and have him face the consequences before she could find peace again.

He needed to pay.

The family had their suspicions of what had happened as Jason and Marinette were supposed to be the only ones in the manor at the time, but as Marinette had not given them any confirmation, instead wanting to let them believe what they wanted, to let them hold onto the tiniest speck of hope it wasn’t what it looked like, they were not looking into it. At least, not as much as she did. They thought that maybe, just maybe there was still a reason as to why it had happened. Or maybe Jason hadn’t even done it in the first place.

Marinette would let them believe so until she had Jason to confess what he’d done to them and in front of the law.

❋❋❋

She would have collapsed on the ground right then and there, but there was a steady hand on the small of her back, supporting her as it lowered her on the ground gently, before the hand moved to press down on her upper chest and something hard was on her knees. The two weighs made sure she couldn’t get up or fight back. Instead, the whatever Jason had used stayed inside her, the sharp pain of it piercing all of her.

She could feel her warm blood start pooling around her, soaking her clothes and staining everything around her. The smell of blood was choking, the stench of iron invading all of the air.

❋❋❋

It took Marinette two years and eleven months after the incident before he found any trace of Jason. He was hiding rather well, going on around the world with two other people. Marinette told no one where she was going, just told Tim she needed a short vacation since the anniversary of the night she lost Jason and was stabbed.

Tim had, as one might have guessed, granted her her leave, and even helped her pack. He did question where she was going, but after Marinette just shrugged and said she didn’t know, that she needed to just be because of the day, he let it be.

They both knew it was a lousy explanation but it worked regardless.

Marinette had bid Tim goodbye, though without him knowing, it might’ve truly been goodbye forever as she didn’t know how the trip would go. She had no idea. Anything could happen. She couldn’t trust Jason not to try to kill her again. After all, he had done it when she had had nothing against her, back when they were engaged. Who could tell for sure what he would do now that she was chasing him and trying to bring him in front of sweet justice, trying to drag him into the courtroom to be judged for the sins he’d committed.

And so, she set out on a journey.

❋❋❋

A look down confirmed what she’d been scared of. Jason had pushed a knife into her, into her chest. Her breathing fastened slowly, and the way her heartbeats echoed in her ears louder than ever before, faster than ever before, told her that he had managed to puncture her lung, too. His hands were coated in her blood, and she couldn’t get the sight out of her mind even when what she could see started soon swimming in her eyes.

“I’m sorry, baby. I had no other choice,” he murmured into her ear, pressing a light, barely-there kiss on her jaw. “From the day we met, I knew I’d hurt you eventually.”

❋❋❋

She ended up, after a month of chasing Jason and his merry band of outlaws — and how fitting was it that the day was the anniversary of the stabbing? Wouldn’t it be ironic if she got stabbed again by her once-beloved one? —, in Ecuador, in an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of Montañita. It was a known town, on some level anyway, but it was small, and considering the reputation of “let’s party ‘til the morning” that the town had, a lot of people would not come there. Most people who still knew Marinette would most definitely not come there if they were trying to find her.

Jason, on the other hand.

Jason would come to a place like this, especially if he was taking a break of sorts.

It wasn’t like he could really come to Gotham anymore anyway.

Not after that.

She had managed to get a ride there from someone in the town after explaining how she needed to see her acquaintance but couldn’t stay up too long since she’d been fatally stabbed a few years back, and she was definitely grateful for that little bit as she now stood in front of a huge, kind of intimidating warehouse.

Marinette took cautious steps, hesitating every step of the way. Her footfall sounded harsh, sounded heavy, but she wouldn’t stop. She couldn’t. Not when she had finally gotten here, gotten this far.

The heavy doors of the warehouse stood sturdy before her, intimidating, but Marinette took a deep breath and pulled the doors open.

❋❋❋

Marinette bit her lip, to the point where her teeth drew blood. It’s not like it mattered when she was already lying in a pool of her own blood anyway. “None of what we had was ever real, now was it?” she asked, a crack breaking her words. Her voice was desperate. Maybe he’d been forced to do it, maybe this was because otherwise, someone would kill someone from his family. Then she could understand, then she could forgive him. Even if it had been the goal from the beginning, she would forgive Jason if it was to save another human being, any other human being.

Jason just shook his head, smiling at her, even if the lines around his eyes told her that this was a smile full of sorrow. “No. None of it was ever real, but I wish it was. I truly do,” he whispered, twisting the blade even deeper. It drew a sharp, shallow gasp from Marinette’s lips before she coughed, staining the hand she’d brought to her mouth with blood.

❋❋❋

The darkness in the warehouse was scary. Marinette knew how to blend in with the shadows, but it wasn’t comfortable, so she stayed out of them as much as possible.

The problem was, she knew Jason knew how to do it as well. He could very well be hiding in them at the very moment.

The even bigger problem was, she had no idea whether his companions did.

That question got answered as she stepped inside a space that looked like people had been there only lately. She had only had a second of warning before someone much bigger than her jumped on her, the impact knocking her down and pushing the air out of her lungs. She was able to turn before hitting the floor completely, so they rolled around a few times, but the size of the other person ensured that she, in the end, ended up being the one with her back against the floor.

She felt how a hand moved to press down on her upper chest and something hard was on her knees. Her best guess, the other person’s knee and the rest of their leg. The two weighs made sure she couldn’t get up or fight back. The setting felt familiar as she struggled under the hold that was turning borderline painful.

The only differences were, the hand and the knee were pressing much harder than last time, and there was no blade in her chest. Thankfully.

A woman walked in from a room to their left, her brilliant, bright red, long hair touching the floor as she moved towards them.

“Who are you, and what are you doing here?” came the stern question — or well, it was an order but if Marinette thought of it as a question it was disguised as, she could ignore it more easily — from the redhead holding her, and wow, were all the people here redheads?

She shrugged as well as she could and kept scanning the space. The light in the space — wherever they were — had been turned on, probably by the woman as she’d walked in. It made figuring out what there was and where much easier. That gained her a punch (she dared to say it was light — surely this person could hit harder if he wanted to) and the hand on her chest pressed down even harder, which, in turn, made breathing difficult and had her coughing.

“Start talking. Hood wouldn’t want me to hurt a teenager if it can be avoided, but I’m not against doing it anyway if the need be.”

Marinette turned her eyes to the man before her eyes. A smirk grew on her face as she locked eyes with the man. He was familiar, she’d seen his face before. Tilting her head the slightest bit, she spoke directly to him. “Ooohh, you’re that guy,” she said, snorting. “I actually remember your face, though I’m not sure if he ever told me your name… Rob… Roni… Roly… No. That’s not it. Royce… A-ha! Roy! That was it!”

The shock colouring his face confirmed it, even if it was gone within moments.

“How did you—”

“And if you’re Roy, thanks for confirming it, by the way, that means you must be Kori. Not too nice to meet you, especially not in these conditions.”

“How do you know our names, kid?”

It seemed being thought of as a kid for a while longer would be a good idea if she wanted to get face to face with Jason, even for a moment. She knew they were his friends, they’d been friends back then too, but she had simply never met them so they didn’t recognise her. Yet, anyway.

“Heard them from an acquaintance. So, who’s the Hood you mentioned? Where is he?”

Roy simply scowled, without saying anything, and instead produced a knife somewhere. Marinette swallowed, trying to hide it as much as she could, but then she saw Kori moving just a little too randomly in front of a specific door.

There he was.

The time she would receive a payback for what he’d done was getting closer.

❋❋❋

“Why?”

A single word, desperate, sorrowful. Wishing for something, anything, that would justify what he did. What he was doing.

She never got an answer to that question.

❋❋❋

The knife in Roy’s hand crept closer to her, towards her throat.

Marinette could do nothing but laugh, even if it was slightly hysterical.

It shocked the two people present and startled them.

Marinette turned her head towards the door Kori was standing in front of and called out, “Hi Jay, such a lovely reunion this is! How have you been for the past three years? They all missed you. Would you believe if I said they still want to believe you innocent? They still want to believe you weren’t the one to hurt me!”

She wriggled under the hold a little more, tried to push Roy off of her, though with little success. “You going to have me properly finished off this time, Jay?” she asked, tears burning in her eyes as she had to remember the day she’d lost most of what she loved.

(“What… I— Jason? You— How could you?”)

“How cowardly do you have to be to not even show your face to me before making another person kill your ex-fiancée?”

(“None of it was ever real, but I wish it was.”)

The sharp gasp of Kori echoed in the space.

“It’s her.”

“Think you can’t take the life of someone who can’t even ever make a full recovery because of how long it took to get help, even with all those skills I know you have, or is it just that you can’t stomach killing the same person twice?”

“Jason’s going to flip once he—”

“Well, Jason? I know you’re there.”

(“I’m sorry, baby. I had no other choice.”)

The door behind Kori opened and she stepped aside.

❋❋❋

“It was inevitable, but if it makes it any better, I regretted having to do it every step of the way. Always since I—”

“Since you what?”

Another shake of the head. “I’m mainly sorry that somewhere along the line, I started to care about you. At some point, I fell in love with you.”

❋❋❋

The surprise Roy and Kori must have felt was enough for Marinette to be able to throw Roy off her. She stood up staggering, knowing that she needed support or a seat from somewhere if she wanted to be able to stay up for much longer.

Once the door was fully open and someone stepped out, Marinette swallowed as she was finally looking at Jason in the eye again, after so many years. For the first time since she had had to see him kill her.

“‘Nettie, I—”

“Don’t you dare ‘Nettie’ me! You left. You left me, you left Dick, you left Tim, Bruce, Damian, everyone, and not only that, but you tried to kill me. You don’t have the right anymore!”

The ‘you betrayed me and left me for dead but didn’t properly finish me off’ went unsaid. They both knew it was there anyway.

“What on Earth is worth betraying someone who loves you? Who loves you so much they would have done anything for you if you’d only asked? What on Earth, Jason?”

But Jason said nothing. He just shook his head. Just like back then.

“I’m sorry.”

“So you say.”

Jason walked closer to her, Marinette taking steps back automatically. She didn’t want to be so close, not when her last encounter with Jason had ended with a knife buried deep in her chest. The knife that had had no fingerprints when it had been checked, only her blood.

…Now that she thought about it, why had he left the knife there? He, like the rest of the family, knew well that if he’d taken it away, her chances of survival would have decreased significantly.

Jason just nodded, understanding. “It’s okay you don’t believe me. Didn’t expect you to.”

“Good.”

He didn’t stop moving towards her, and before long, she was back against the wall, unable to move further away. She resigned to her fate and lifted her chin, staring at Jason in the eye as he cornered her.

To her surprise, Jason dropped on his knees in front of her, making sure she was the one looking down at him and not the other way around. It seemed it was a surprise to Roy and Kori as well, judging by their faces and the jerking movement of their hands. Roy’s eyes had widened and Kori’s mouth had dropped open.

“I missed you, Marinette.”

She ignored the sting of pain that sentence sent through her.

“I did not miss you.”

A lie, if she’d ever heard one.

Jason just smiled at her sadly. “That’s fine, I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to forgive me either.”

“It’s not a question of ‘want’, Jay. Jason. It’s a question of ‘can’. I can’t forgive you for the pain you caused me,” she said, forlorn, a tear rolling down her cheek. “I can’t imagine what you were going to gain for doing that.”

Jason reached up to wipe the tear away but Marinette slapped his hand away. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” he asked, even as he made sure not to touch her anymore.

“Just don’t.”

Don’t touch me.

Don’t be so gentle.

Don’t look like you’re hurting.

Don’t seem so repentant.

Don’t make me regret this.

Don’t remind me of all the things that had me love you.

Don’t make me miss you.

Don’t say you missed me.

Don’t look like you want me to forgive you.

Don’t pretend you think it’s okay I won’t.

Don’t make me fall in love with you all over again.

There was a lot the simple ‘don’t’ could be and was.

Marinette would never say them out loud.

Suddenly, a sharp pain went through her knees and she had to take support from the wall. It wasn’t enough. Jason must have noticed, because as soon as she was falling, there was a hand on the small of her back and another in her hand, supporting her weight, just like he had so many times, just like… On that day.

And just like back then, Jason helped her down on the floor so she wouldn’t hurt herself, though this time she got to sit. The contact was so gentle, and Marinette almost wanted to cry, because this was something she couldn’t have anymore. Especially not if she succeeded in what she wanted to do because that would mean he would go to prison for over a decade.

“Are you okay?” Jason started, but Marinette interrupted him before he could get further.

“No! This is your fault. I told you, I can’t make a full recovery. This is only part of that,” she snapped at him, only realising she’d tried to stand up when she fell back down. Marinette cursed under her breath as her head hit the wall behind her and the hit had her wince. Sadness crossed Jason’s face as he saw her struggle.

“Do you think I liked hurting you? I did it because I had to, not because I ever wanted to, baby. I didn’t want to do it, and this?” Jason gestured at Marinette’s collapsed form. “I didn’t want this to happen either.”

“What did you expect to happen when you stabbed me? In the lungs? You only barely missed my heart, and I’m willing to bet it was on purpose. I know you have an aim better than that. At least I wouldn’t be alive anymore if you’d done that, if you only had pulled the knife out of my chest before you left, I wouldn’t need to suffer from all of this!” She released a breath she’d been holding and let out a broken sob. Her voice barely above a whisper, Marinette continued. “I would have done anything for you, but you… You ruined all that.”

“What do you want me to do, then?” The question was spoken more softly than Mari had remembered Jason was capable of, but she recognised it immediately nonetheless. The same fond, soft tone of voice he used when she was hurt or sad. The same tone that had always comforted her. The same tone he had used when he apologised as he twisted the blade in her chest.

It hurt to hear it again.

She loved it so much, and yet she hated it more than anything. Before anything else, she wanted to hear Jason use it while speaking to her again. Before anything else, she wanted to ensure she never had to hear it directed at her ever again.

“I want you to answer for what you’ve done. Confess what you did, in front of the family, in front of the law, confirm what I already know true to them as well,” she told him. It was the truth, even if it hurt. “I want to make sure I don’t get hurt again.”

“Then, let me do that.”

Marinette’s eyes snapped at Jason from the floor just as Kori and Roy shouted something, yelling at Jason, telling him to stop being stupid. Marinette could only stare at him in shock.

“What?”

“I said, let me do it. I’ll come with you. I’ll plead guilty in court if you want to take me there.”

Why, after imagining bringing Jason in front of the law for so long, did it feel so wrong and horrible now? Now that she was there? Now that Jason was offering to give himself up? Now that he was offering to turn himself in for her?

“You know just as well as I do that if that were to happen, you’d be imprisoned for at least a decade. How can you—”

“I know I don’t have much right to say it, but just like you don’t want to get hurt again, I don’t want you to hurt either,” Jason replied, standing up and looming over Marinette. On any other day, she would have flinched and been scared he would stab her again, but somehow all of this had her assured that he was not going to do anything she didn’t want, especially not to her. “I have hurt you enough as it is. I want you to believe I’m sorry. If that’s what it takes, then I will come with you.”

“I—”

“You don’t need to forgive me. All I want is for you to believe me when I say I regret what I did back then, I still do, and that I’m sorry.”

Roy and Kori tried to convince Jason that was a bad idea, what if they found out about everything else he’d done, what if they realised they could send him to the death row, but Jason just shushed them.

“It’s like you’ve already decided I’m going to die. Besides, this is ‘Nettie’s choice. No, sorry, Marinette’s. I hurt her. I meant to kill her. She’s the one that gets to choose. Bye you two, see you in like 15 years or so unless you wanna come to visit me.”

Then he offered a hand for her to grab on, which she, after hesitating for a second, took. Jason pulled her on her feet and let her use him as support if she needed it. “Do you need me to drive us to the airport?”

“I— you’d do that? Knowing where I want to take you? You’re not planning on stabbing me again, now are you?”

“No, I’m not, and yeah, yeah I would. Can you walk?”

Marinette huffed. “I’m not that helpless,” she spat, before adding, because she knew what Jason would ask next as he was already opening his mouth, “Yes, I can.”

As Jason was already walking to the doors, Marinette still stood there. “Are you not going to tell your friends proper goodbye?” she asked, frowning and tilting her head. “If this— if this goes like I’m planning for it to go, and if you’re not about to have them break you out, you won’t be seeing them for at least a decade, not much anyway. I don’t think it’s fair to leave them without as much as a bye, as you did with me, even if this goodbye involved much less blood and fewer near-death experiences.”

Jason turned around, surprised for a second, but then smiled at her. “Thank you,” he whispered as he went past her, so quiet even Marinette barely heard it. Marinette walked outside, waiting for Jason as she leant against the wall of the warehouse. The bright sunlight almost blinded her after the darkness that seemed to be the general setting of the warehouse.

Eventually, Jason emerged from inside, helped her to get on his motorbike, and then they were good to go. Considering the amount of money Marinette had, thanks to her job and relation to the Waynes, getting them plane tickets rather fast.

Somehow, Marinette ended up crying silent tears half the time Jason was asleep because she was no longer sure if she wanted this.

She would go through with it anyway.

She’d waited too long to stop now.

❋❋❋

Marinette could only stare into his eyes. She didn’t have the strength to do anything but that, and maybe close her eyes, but she needed to see Jason’s face, his eyes. She needed to.

“Did you truly? Then why? Or did you stop loving me? Was it all a lie when you told me you loved me only an hour ago?”

The tears that had threatened to spill from her eyes now flowed down her face. Jason wiped the tears from her eyes and pressed a kiss on her nose. “I— I did love you. I still do. Probably always will. I just… had no other choice. I’m sorry, baby. I hurt people, it’s all I’m good at.”

❋❋❋

The family was shocked, surprised, disappointed, sorrowful, when they heard what Jason had done, when they heard Jason himself confess what he’d done to Marinette, his then-fiancée. Or, well. It’s not like they ever actually broke off the engagement, not even between the two of them. Both still wore their engagement rings on the thin chains around their necks.

Bruce, Damian and Tim refused to shed tears at the trial and the hearing. Dick did not even hide it. Cass looked ready to cry but didn’t.

None of them tried to hide their sadness and disappointment about the events at the sentencing, but none of them would have ever tried to oppose or affect the punishment.

14 years in prison.

The entire sentencing, Marinette kept her chin up, ignored the burning tears in her eyes and the hollow emptiness in her chest as she watched Jason accept his sentence before glancing quickly at her and smiling.

Marinette sat as far from the rest of the family as she could the entirety of it, guilt eating at her.

She knew she shouldn’t. She was the one wronged, she was the one whose fiancé had betrayed her for god knows what and gotten nearly killed by the person she had trusted the most in the world.

Marinette stood up, and once everyone was silent, she spoke. “Excuse me, Your Honour, but may I talk with the defendant after this is over?”

Sighing, the judge looked at her like she’d gone crazy (Marinette wasn’t too convinced that wasn’t what had happened) before answering. “Alright, you may, you’re the plaintiff after all. There will be at least one officer watching over the exchange to ensure your safety, ma’am.”

“Thank you, Your Honour.”

❋❋❋

Marinette forced a sad smile on her face, even through her fury and the feelings of betrayal and sorrow, because she didn’t know how else she was supposed to react. “I guess—”, she coughed, more blood spilling from her mouth, “—this is a lesson in not trusting people, right?” she asked, smiling through her pain, crying, her sight blurring with tears and the blood loss. Her eyes closed, now unable to keep them open. She could feel Jason stroking her cheek a little, as though in a gesture of comfort before he stood up and just, walked away from her.

❋❋❋

“I’m sorry again, baby.”

“Please, don’t.”

“Alright. I love you. Go live your life. Never feel guilty for starting again, if you even do feel guilty in the first place. I hope you don’t. Find a new partner if that makes you happy, destroy all my stuff if you haven’t already, yes, even the bike,” he told her. “You don’t need to worry about the others, they would never harm you, especially since I told them you’re untouchable.”

Marinette let the tears roll down her cheeks as she pressed her head into his chest. “Why do you try to ensure my safety after what you did?” she asked through her tears and felt Jason’s chained hands wipe her tears away. “I can’t stop loving you, and I hate it. I wanted— I wanted to—”

“It’s okay, baby. I understand.”

“All I wished was to live with you until death do us part but then—”

“Yeah, I know. I fucked up. I love you. I don’t blame you for any of this, it was my fault in the first place.”

Once their time was up, the officers took Jason away. Or well. Were about to, anyway.

“If we had never met, it would have saved us both some grief,” Marinette whispered. She thought he hadn’t heard her, but then he smiled at her.

“I suppose, but I don’t regret meeting you, not aside from the fact it led me to nearly kill you. That’s all I regret. Smile with the sky. Let your smile bloom forth in a riot. For me, one last time. I don’t want to see you cry, not today. It’s supposed to be the day you’ll finally be in peace,” he told her. She forced a small smile on her face. “Here, at last, is her smile: burn it into your memory; you won’t see it often.”

She could recognise the words. Jason had read them to her once or twice before… everything. They were words he had told her when he proposed, and right now she wondered if he had already known he was going to soon do what he did already back then.

Perhaps.

That thought ate her alive, but so did Jason’s willingness to go through with this and the love she could still see in Jason’s eyes. She looked into Jason’s eyes and tried to keep the smile on her face even as she would have rather cried and collapsed on the spot, or maybe into Jason’s arms. And then again, she didn’t want to touch him ever again in her life.

As he walked past her, accompanied by the officers, he whispered one last thing to her.

“Thank you, for making sure I would pay for what I did to you, baby. Thank you for showing me you were still alive.”

It was only on that day that she was told Jason had called their family to save her. She finally understood why they so stubbornly had decided to believe Jason wasn’t to blame until now.

That night, Marinette cried herself to sleep.

❋❋❋

The burning, stinging pain in her chest faded and numbed as the surrounding world faded away as well. The only thing she could hear was the faraway voice of Jason, she heard it like she was underwater, but it was there.

“If you somehow by some miracle survive alive from this, make sure I will have to pay, have the law make me pay, ‘cause this happened for no reason you would ever consider noble. There’s nothing that could ever justify what I have done to you. I’m sorry.”

____________________________

@kris-pines04 @thethirdwheelfriend @maribat-is-lifeblood @abrx2002 @persephonebutkore @rebecarojas07 @corabeth11 @kadmeread @freshbark @maribat-march2020 @catsandfanfic @fertileleaf @cutechip

#Jasonette #jason x marinette #Maribat #maribatmarch2020 #ml x dc #dc #dc x mlb #jason todd #marinette dupain cheng #fanfic #fanfiction #ethel's writing

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russian-romanova · 5 years

Text

the blood oath

title: the blood oath

pairing: young!bill denbrough

word count: 2K

warnings: mentions of blood and injury, a line of sarcasm near the end

notes: short little blurb bc i adore bill so much. i tried to make it separate from the actual scene will bill and beverly, but we’ll see how that turned out. also i don’t think i’ve ever written a kiss before this i have no idea how those work oops

summary: after defeating it for the time being, the losers make a promise to return twenty-seven years later if it comes back.

+ + +

Two months ago, you had almost died. All of you had, but you remember the specific feeling of staring at It, looking like a clown as he had for many of your encounters, and thinking that none of you were going to make it out of the sewers. You had almost lost both Stanley and Mike to different forces that day, and you had lost Beverly -- although by some miracle you had gotten her back.

There had been that immeasurable feeling of fear, greater than any emotion you had felt before in your life. It looked from one loser to the next, and your heart had stopped beating. You would swear on it, it had lay frozen in your chest for a good few seconds when Its eyes fell momentarily on you, and only remembered when It was looking at the next kid.

You were going to die, you knew it. You were thirteen years old, in the height of your small life, and you were going to be murdered by a demonic clown in a sewer. If you hadn’t been so scared, you would have peed your pants. It had captured Beverly, could have killed her if It wanted to. Who’s to say It couldn’t do the exact same to every one of you, feeding on your fear before eating you whole.

Then you had looked towards Bill Denbrough, and things seemed to be okay again. He had looked back at you, his young face furrowed in some sort of determination you had never seen before. It was the determination of a man, the man you would see twenty-seven years later, not the determination of a thirteen-year-old boy. Bill had looked at you, nodded sharply, and then the two of you had looked away. After that, you could breathe again.

Then It had gotten Bill too, and you thought all hope was lost once more. It has Bill in Its wicked grasp, and It told you that if you left the two of them, you could get away from all of this. If it had been any of the other losers, you would have considered it for a split second. You wouldn’t have left, never in a million years, but the back of your mind would have held the idea for less than a second.

This wasn’t any of the other losers though, this was Bill. You felt the same fear you felt earlier in your stomach, the fear that accompanied the idea you would positively die. Somehow worse, was the idea that he would die. That It would kill Bill Denbrough, and then it would kill every single one of you, not that it would matter because without Bill you were just a bunch of kids.

It was September now.

You had defeated It, at least for now. This was one of those things you wouldn’t know without time, without roughly twenty-seven years of time. You could hope It was gone forever, but deep down you all knew It would be back. It was for this reason, at least in your mind, that you had all come back here.

Eight of you sat in a field near the Kenduskeag, forming a small circle that you could give your secrets into. Bill had called each of you individually and told you how the encounter was something that needed to be talked about. You had all battled It, gotten out of the sewers and gone your separate ways, only to return the next day in the Barrens as if nothing had happened. As if It had been a dream, the fight an accompanying nightmare.

It wasn’t a dream here, not when you sat together in silence. Here, looking from face to face, it was real. For this short time, all the details were vivid in your memory. Beverly was speaking now, her eyes moving from person to person as she recalled what she had seen as she floated. “I can only remember parts, but I thought I was dead. That's what it felt like. I saw us, all of us together back in the cistern, but we were older, like our parents' ages.”

Bill looked at Bev before asking, “What were we all doing there?”

She paused, looking at the grass under her shoes before shaking her head. “I just remember how we felt. How scared we were. I don't think I can ever forget that.” And that was understandable, of course it was. You had all been terrified, and you found yourself thinking back to how sure you had felt that you were going to die. Nothing you had faced before had been that frightening, and it would be twenty-seven years before anything did again.

Suddenly inspired, Bill shot off of the log he was sitting on to his feet. “Swear it.” He began, and you noticed a shard of glass between his fingers. “Suh-suh-swear if It isn't dead, if It ever comes back,” Bill paused, his eyes briefly meeting yours. “We'll come back, too.”

You gulped, unsure. But as Bill looked at you, and you at him, you felt the sense of security return to you that you had all felt in the caves. Bill knew what he was doing. He was your fearless leader, and he would never let you down.

Fully trusting him, you stood up.

One by one, the other losers followed. When everyone was on their feet, Bill looked down at his own hand and brought the glass to it. Wincing, he pushed the shard into it and sliced a line. For a moment, he looked down at it in thought. None of you rushed him.

Slowly, he walked towards you and your already extended hand. You looked up at Bill. and his silent look said it all. The cut was going to hurt, but you knew that already. If you got the sudden urge to duck out, all you had to do was think of George Denbrough, and how hurt Bill had looked when It had used Georgie to trick him. He had cried tears that had been stuck inside him since Georgie had given him that final goodbye, stomping off in galoshes Bill would never see again. Bill had never cried in front of you like that, not with his eyes so raw and puffy, face in complete agony. If you got the urge to run away again, you would remember Georgie and how Bill had looked at him, and your feet would be planted again.

The glass moved above your palm, biting into the area between your forefinger and your thumb until blood began to show. Knowing it was deep enough, Bill glided the shard across your hand, ripping and tearing at your skin until he deemed it was enough. The glass was withdrawn, and you winced at the finished product. Staying strong, you lifted your head to look at Bill, who was watching your reaction carefully. His mind was already that of an author’s, capturing details for later recollection. Neither of you spoke, and after a moment Bill moved on.

You looked down at your hand. It was smeared in red now, reflective of the messes you would make with finger paints when you were much younger. ‘The blood helps the pain,’ You reasoned. ‘The blood covers the cut, and it can’t hurt so bad if I can’t see it.’

One by one, Bill sliced open every loser’s palm with the same line. When he was done, Bill took his place back in the circle next to you and held out his hands to either side. None of the action was awkward; you all silently knew what to do. Silently, you grabbed Bill’s hand with your own left hand and reached for Beverly’s with your right.

At this moment, it seemed complete. You were all connected, as you had been for a while now and suspected you always would be, but here it was physical. You were connected by hand and blood, the warm blood of one loser smearing onto the hand of the next. Simple and truthfully, you were permanently connected.

But as soon as you had all known what you were doing, you knew to stop. All eight losers dropped their hands, and Stanley broke the comfortable silence. “I gotta go. I hate you.” He grinned at Bill, who seemed relieved that Stan was only joking. Bill gave Stan a goodbye, and the curly-haired boy was the first to leave the group. Eddie was next, a connection so large yet one none of you would ever make or even remember. Then Mike, Richie, Ben, and Bev all made their way back towards the populated part of Derry, where they could go home and begin the long process of recovery.

Nearby you and Bill, the Kenduskeag rolled by over rocks, ambiently centering you. “Can you believe school’s starting next week?” You asked Bill softly.

He looked up. “No. I kind of wih-wih-wish it wuh-wuh-wasn’t, though.” You nodded in response. No matter how horrible of a summer you had all had, it had still been summer.

“I can’t believe we spent our whole summers fighting a fucking clown,” You mumbled.

“At least it was suh-something,” Bill said, shrugging before he looked at you. Out of the blue, he added, “I’m glad y-you’re oh-oh-okay.”

You met his eyes, smiling. “I’m glad you’re okay, too.” You added softly, all at once remembered the softer part of the fear that had eaten away at you when you thought you had lost Bill to It. The burning emotion had been care when you boiled it all down. Why had the thought of It getting Bill frightened you so much more than it had when you thought It had gotten Beverly or Mike? Because you cared.

In a moment of bravery, you realized that Bill Denbrough must have cared too.

The realization was shared, and Bill moved forwards in a natural way. However, you beat him to it, pushing yourself towards him until your lips met. It was somehow completely unlike how you would have imagined kissing Bill was like -- not that you would ever have done that -- but it was perfect at the same time. The thought that you were kissing Bill Denbrough didn’t even hit you until the two of you released, pulling away to look the other in the eye.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say after one of those,” You answered honestly. “I liked it though.”

Bill turned bright red. “Oh, oh-oh-okay, muh-muh-me t-too.” His eyes flicked to the grass and then back up to you.

“I thought it was really nice,” You added.

He nodded. “Muh-me t-t-to.”

Satisfied with his answers, you leaned closer to kiss Bill once more. This was something you could certainly get used to, you realized, smiling softly against his lips.

Bill felt it, moving his head back to smile back. “Wuh-what?”

You shook your head. “Nothing,” You said before leaning in for a third time. And it was true. For the first time all summer, you felt happy and free. Absolutely nothing was wrong.

#bill denbrough #i love bill freaking denbrough so much guys it hurts #bill denbrough x reader #bill #denbrough #it #club #it 2017 #blood oath #litterally this is my favorite scene in the movie i cry every time #i have to go do homework now but please enjoy :)

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blue-hi · 5 years

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i’ve been awake since 4:30 am and it’s 9:00 now so i need to get this out because it’s been months and i havent been able to spit the whole thing out and i need to SAY something so i think i’ll jst yell into the void so

thanks

ive had insomnia since at least mid october. cant really remember now when it started. i’d keep waking up in th emiddle of the night, always around 2 or 3 am and it would take ages to get back to sleep.

ive never been one for all nighters and i like getting a full night’s sleep and all of a sudden i wasn;t getting it and for no reason too. this scared me. it still scares me. i reached out to my mom for idk emotional support??? i didn’t want to be alone

“this happens to other people too” started out as a way to help but the way she said it sounded like she was dismissing me and what was happening. like it would all clear up soon so i had no reason to bother her

then the week before halloween almost all my classes assigned projects or had a test and they were all assigned at the same time at the end of the week and were all due at the same time on halloween. the saturday before halloween and after i got all the assignments i slept particularly awfully and i just broke down in th emiddle of the library. like all day and i couldn’t stop. that scared me even more bc if it happened once it can happen again

im terrified. that’s the core of the issue

that day my mom and aunt got me a plane ticket to fly home for the next weekend to see if being home would fix things. we even had a doctor’s appointment it didn’t fix anything. the doctor told me things i already knew but also decided i had generalized anxiety disorder and that was why i couldn;t sleep even though i wasn;t scared until after it started and i slept terribly that night again. i was hysterical. i still had no idea why i couldn’t sleep i shouldn’t have paced that loud in the hallway but yeah i wanted attention i felt alone. maybe it was selfish but i just wanted a hug and i knew then i was in for the long haul and i didn’t want to be afraid AND be alone but my mom just yelled at me (which she had the right to i was being not-great) and i felt i was burdening her. that’s when i realized she either can’t or won’t be there with me or both

i went to the counselor at my school and i just vented. not all of this but some of it and i had other problems at the time like my major and some classes but those had all worked themselves out by the end of november i also went to the health center and got a little bottle of this drug called hydroxyzine and that started helping a little bit. i was taking tylenol pm every night before that and apparently this was something stronger

then thanksgiving rolled around and i was still having some issues. one thing i remember most vividly is twin and i were going to drive to our dad’s house for the day. normally i drive but i handed the keys to twin because i hadn’t slept well and didn’t feel like driving. my mom noticed and asked why i didn’t want to drive and i SHOULD have lied and said that i wanted twin to practice but i told he truth and said i felt too tired to drive and she rolled her eyes at me later in the break one morning she asked me how i slept again and i said poorly and i was still half asleep but i swear she scoffed

then i knew i REALLY couldn;t expect her to help me. not even with the sleeping but just with support.

i went back to the school counselor (different person though) and! my mom still doesn’t know about that visit. she doesn;t know that counselor said that insomnia sometimes predates depression symptoms. should i tell her that? that’s also terrifying. i managed to get out of high school without really any mental illness issues so i;m a lucky one but that’s what i’m scared about going forward

i feel like it’s not as serious as it feels and that no i don’t have anxiety and no i don’t have depression (yet) and that i should just suck it up until i do but also i can have emotions because i;m a fucking person and ‘m allowed to tell people about them without feeling like a burden or a fake bc god forbid i have a single negative emotion in front of someone. i’ve always been a “good girl low maintenance child” and FUCK that

weirdly i started to sleep well during finals week and these past 2 weeks on break too but i think that’s because the hydroxyzine started to kick in. except oops now my supply is low and i have about a week or two left until i completely run out and the little bottle says NO REFILLS LEFT so i have to figure out how to get more for the semester last night i tried to go to bed without taking one to see if i’ve gotten any better. news flash nothing’s changed without it and now everything that had gone away in the last 3 weeks all the anxiety and hopelessness and tiredness and terror all came back last night and right now i feel like i;m back in the library again bc i can’t stop crying

what if i can’t get more before the semester starts?? if i’m like this during break what’ll happen when i have to stress again?

i came downstairs at 8 to do organic chemistry on khan academy because if i can’t sleep then i might as well do something productive. mom came down to get ready for work and she saw me and asked me if i was upset about not sleeping again

i was an idiot and said yeah - that’s what i hate too. i want to be honest about mental health with people and how i’m doing but to stop this i need to lie to her. now i’ll always be fine! and she never has to know if i;m in a bad way just as she likes it and i feel a w f u l about it. it makes be feel petty and petulant but i’m non confrontational. i want to tell her everything i;ve written here and just be so honest she has to listen to me instead of dismissing me every time but every time she asks i clam up and i failed again this morning she accused me of wanting to feel scared because “i hadn’t tried everything yet”. she and family members for christmas sent me some things that are supposed to help like a light developed by insomniacs or a winter light and i really do appreciate all of it, but they all came when the medicine was working so i didn’t NEED it. last night was different because i am a scientist and am my own guinea pig and i wanted to see what would happen if i didn’t take the drugs. i’ll use all of that tonight in Phase 2 of the Worst Experiment Ever but she wouldn’t LISTEN to me when i said that either.

now i’ll just say nothing. why should she know it’s only caused both of us stress. i wish she would take this (insomnia! depression!! mental health woo!) as seriously as she took my acne when i was 12. still now if i have a zit she feels entitled to touch my face. do you wanna know how you can help??? stay away from me and don’t wonder why i kind of want to tell her. she’s coming back home in a couple of hours bc it’s new year’s eve and i might still be in a state who knows but i’ll choke again and she’ll yell at me again and nothing will have changed

people have asked me how my semester went and “it’s been a shitty one,” i wanna say but normally i just say that i’m glad it’s over only for my parents to swoop in and say “it can’t have been all that bad i mean you did well with your grades in the end” like !! i pulled that B in physics out of my ass! just because i did ok academically because i’m lucky and good at school doesn’t mean my health was great! my dad can’t help me either because i’ll say that my mental health recently isn’t as good as it could be and he just goes “aww sweetie.” and that’s it. nothing else. thanks dad. i know you don’t know what to do with that information and i don’t fault you for that because emotions have never taken precedence in either household (except for all the curse words i learned from my mom when she’s inconvenienced)

all of this and i still don’t know why i can’t sleep normally

thanks for reading this fkn novel all of this has been on my chest for a LONG time and i haven’t had the chance to say any of it and if i get the chance i’m afraid i’ll forget something (i probably did here, too). i truly mean thank you. this has been cathartic to write, even though i still need to go to a counselor or something. i hope your new year (and decade!) is bright

#i don't know what else to say or do

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survivormetaverse · 3 years

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Episode 14 - "This will be a fun finish" ~Amy

I'm so sorry Colin. I really thought you'd play your idol. I didn't mean to send you home, just weaken you. I was hoping to pick between Amy and Elle to send out 😬

Sigh... I miss him 🥺 I think I'm gonna try to self-destruct this round. Keep you posted ❤️✨

Wait so Amy just told me they swapped the votes last minute on Anastasia, so she would've gotten 3 votes or something. Did nobody catch on that she had immunity then?

Ahahahahaha fuck Colin somehow went home and it's partly my fault but it was a mix of a mess. Colin really believed jodi and jared were voting with him to get josh which seemed odd from the start. I have been talking and I think I know or as much as I can. I was the sole vote on jodi lol but I didn't get the memo to do anastasia until 859 and didn't have time to switch so I thought it would still be okay but somehow elle colin and I all voted differently lol whoopsies. Now I'm told jared used his idol on jodi but if Josh knee we were split I don't think he did. I think anastasia actually voted colin with Josh and Jared. Anastasia And jodi aren't budging that they voted elle so I guess jared could have given her the necklace to get colin. I am just so mad I didn't vote the same as elle 🤦🏻‍♀️ I'm hoping josh believes elle used an idol so he votes with me and elle. I might need to use my steal this go and that would get it to 3-3 minimum and if Josh voted with me it would be 4-3 but I think Jared still has his idol. I am legit so sad about colin like I obviously flipped to save him and legit wanted him to win and I would come in second lol now I'm worried I won't make it bc Jodi is spreading I have an idol and obviously josh wanted to flush idols last round that's why he did that. I know hosht wants anastasia in his f3 but I'm just hoping he wants jared and or jodi out more but I think he wants me and elle out ☠️ the fact is if jared still has his idol he's safe now but he need to make it seem like we are voting him. I'm just so confused about the last one hahahaha I was going around asking like I'm not mad just confused lol. And I called colin before talking through everything and myself and elle I guess said I think we are fine ☠️ I can't believe it honestly just shocked. That's the thing like even when I said jared was lying to colin whichever round before colin was still trusting him and look jared did it again he is good at lying haha shooooot. This will be a fun finish. F6 and I just don't know how it's going to end. Rn I think I'd like any mix of elle josh or anastasia at the end WITH me but I won't be surprised if it's them but also elle said they might self destruct. So basically I don't know if I should use the steal and save my idol or just idol since I think it will be live. I guess if elle just says vote me out but like I need their number the next round. If I idol then elle votes with me next go, we'd be okay until 4. That's probably as far as I'm making it lol. That's my update 😭😭😭😭 sorry colin I wish you were still here

Nothing. This round really scares me because playing in the middle could really come back to haunt me. I wouldnt mind Jared leaving then i could have a better chance of winning immunity but at the same time all these advantages and Elle’s potential idol scare me. Jared revealed that i was the one who flipped last round but im reassuring her that it was just to flush idols.

My brain wheels are turning and Im realizing how scary this round is. Me Jared or Jodi will probably be leaving unless we play exactly right. There is a steal a vote so we cant split vote... So we would have to vote either Amy or Elle and pray they dont have an idol. Also Josh is with us now yayy!! And Josh talked to me about us voting to make a move not necesserily with everyone else so we can build our resume. We just need more info at this point. Elle literally told Jodi to vote her what. And Amy isnt talking to me that hard so I think Amy has an idol maybe idk

OKAY! Amy has a single vote blocker and we don't trust Josh bc he voted Colin (even admitted it smh have shame man COLIN IS DEAD he's not dead but i do miss him hi Colin reading this❤️). I talked to so many ppl today why does everyone want me for my brain lol it's like the opposite end of objectifying someone 😂 I'M MORE THAN AHIGHLY DEVELOPED HIPPOCAMPUS, YOU GUYS 💔 jk jk anywaysss Video called with Jodi she is so sweet ❤️ also so stressed :( hate to see it also sorry everyone I told that I didn't have anything I didn't at the time??? But then Amy gave me her vote blocker so That's gonna be a thing tonight lol. Here's the plan: - Told Josh to vote Jodi bc he's too insecure of an ally now to trust that Amy and I are actually voting... - Jared, who may or may not still have an idol idk but he's annoying me with the question of it all lol use it or lose it at this point (but ty Jared for wearing pink all the way back 💖 still have not spoken to you sicne May lol) - Use the vote blocker on Jared's vote Any believes they're voting her and I believe that's likely! Who knows lol either way: 3 Elle/Amy 2 Jared 1 Jodi (maybe) Vote blocker used, now it's 2 Elle/Amy, 2 Jared, 1 Jodi Revoteeeee Elle or Amy, Anastasia, Jodi, and Josh get to revote (or something, i forget how this game works whatever I'm fine with whatever happens tonight and I'm bored of confessing oop! Amy just told Josh I have a vote blocker bc she transferred it to me 😂 and earlier I told Josh I didnt (bc I didn't) oml so help me I try to plan so enatly but then this game get messy anyway... xoxo, gossip girl

I am not sure what to do. I wanted to do a 3-2-1 on Elle and Anastasia, but it's so risky as Amy essentially can control what the outcome of this vote is. Elle and I had a weird call. they said that they "expected to self destruct in the early merge", and "feel free to vote" for them, they "don't really want to win". That's practically code word for "I'm going to idol you out of this game". Also, I studied the Stings series wiki to see that Colin has idoled before in a previous invisible round, so that's why I thought he'd idol here. I also realized after revisiting that today might actually be a reward challenge for information from the invisible round, since that's also what happened in that same season. We must be there for tonight, it's only 10 minutes (according to Amy) but heck, we got a plan anyways.

Wow, my first written confessional! This is only because my video confessionals will take too long to upload, and I'd hate for Raffy to give me a strike. Anyways, things got messy today but the plan right now is to split votes between Amy and Elle. The goal is for one of them to go home while also getting an idol out of the game. The reason things got messy was because we originally proposed a 3-2-1 plan to Amy, but realized (1) she wasn't fully on board with us and (2) that we couldn't burn Anastasia like that in having her be the decoy vote. If Amy is actually with us, she's going to be pissed if she's still in and realized we lied to her yet again. If Amy isn't actually with us and is leaking our discussion to others to try to redirect the target to us, then clearly I don't feel as bad.

So final plan is 2-2-2 Elle Amy (whomever) if vote stolen, it means Amy isn't with us, we vote 3 Amy Very high chance I get idoled out here, but this is about as much as I can plan. Last time I got voted out, I tried to play so perfect. So perfect I didn't get a vote. Not getting a vote ended my game ☠️ We'll see.

https://youtu.be/CeYz2tRXRBg

https://youtu.be/wFgih-KTPMU

https://youtu.be/_RTe9xDPDes

~~~

Edgic:

Power Rankings:

Jodi: Manipulating the situation in her favor

Josh: Probably will make it to the end

Jared: Probably will make it to the end

Anastasia: Is on the bottom of the 4 person alliance

Amy: Is on the bottom but has advantages that no one suspects she has

Elle: People think they have advantages and is getting targeted over it

The group was given 5 minutes to discuss out loud who to vote out unanimously. If it wasn't unanimous, the whole group would go to rocks. After 5 minutes, they were allowed to play advantages if they wanted to. Elle chose to play their Vote Steal on Anastasia. For this round, a Vote Steal would immune the person it was used against. Additionally, this person would not be able to vote or have a say in the discussion. The group was given an additional 5 minutes. During the discussion, everyone except Elle (who wanted to go to rocks) said they would vote Elle. Then, when the vote was announced, the tribe instead went to rocks as it was not unanimous. Josh was rocked out

#episode #episodes

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survivorsolomonislands · 7 years

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Episode 11 “BUT IM SAfE” (Lexi)

johnny: i love allie so much. we must save you both 4 votes zak 3 votes aro. we will make it johnny: flips and gets himself voted out why do i always align with the stupid people. i really want to know.

*continues to sip my rum bitterly* Pretty sure if I lose this immunity I'm going home next. I honestly don't trust a single person in this game anymore, not that I had a lot of trust with anyone to begin with but y'know. Johnny was one of the few people I felt I could work with, and I'm on the fence about Ryan now, he came to me about the vote about Johnny and I told him I breaking up a group would be better and now Johnny is gone. Mitchell is saying it was Ryan, Ryan is saying Mitchell already had it planned out before, and Willow is saying Johnny was a threat. I mean I think it was Mitchell's and WIllow's groups but I can't be sure. The only thing I can be sure about is I'm on the bottom here.

(a little bit later)

UPDATE: there is no way in hell i'm winning this challenge.

Welp... it took 3 fuckin seasons but i think i'm finally... in a power position on tumblevivor. I think i'm finally fuckin on top. And tru, I was a significant power player in both Machu Picchu's and Malaysia's pre-merges, but by the time the merge came, I was unsuccessful both times in forging a legitimate and feasible path to the end of this game. After Matt was voted out, I cursed my luck - AGAIN i had failed. AGAIN i was to wait and watch my ally's be picked off by Allie's. But then Willow came, changed it all, and we pulled off the biggest fucking move of this game - which I orchestrated - by taking out Johnny. And just as you'd imagine, the whole game fucking opened up. Willow and I've got a F3 with Allie, a F4 with Aro and Zak, and now I've got people coming to ME. Wanting to work with ME. Because, for now, I'm on top. And when that happens, people are going to want to tear you down, so immunity is now more important than ever... as is this next vote. I need to keep myself shored up as well as possible. My 3-way alliance chat w Aro and Zak is them wanting to target Allie w our F4 deal and Luca. I don't want that. Allie's shady and she betrayed me but at the end of the day she's also a number for me and Willow moving forward. RTP wants to work with me. For the first time ever in this game, LA hit ME up instead of me having to approach her. I think I can work with Luca. Lex, though... she gotta go. She doesn't benefit me at all, she's a former winner, she's done nothing in this game ever to make me feel good with her... her ass gotta be grass. Voting out Allie eliminates an out, and a potential endgame plan, for myself, which would allow Aro/Zak/Luca to become a F3 deal should they want to. A F5 of our F4 and Willow does not look good for me ! So I'd want the rest of the game to shake out something like this: 9th - Lex; 8th - LA; 7th - RTP; 6th - Luca; 5th - Zak; 4th - Allie, leaving a F3 of myself, Willow, and Aro, which I'd like to think I can win. Letting Allie get deep into this game is a risk but I'm willing to take it because the composition of the jury combined with her seeming desire to go to the end with me both prove good to my overall game. It's within reach, if I can just hold on to it. For the first time... maybe I could fucking win.

So here's a recap of what happened last round. - Me, Zak, Mitchell and Willow form a plan to get the majority to split the votes 3-3 so that we can put 4 votes on Johnny - We had no idea if they were 100% going to split or not but King Johnny comes to our aid because he decides to form the same exact plan but with 4 votes on Allie instead - We chose Johnny over Allie because he was the leader of the rookies alliance and with him gone most of them are free agents

This round *should* be fine, with Zak's flare and Willow on our side for good (hopefully) we have 5 votes for sure. They're planning on voting Allie and also working on turning Luca so hopefully they dont have an idol rip. I know this might come off as cocky since its only final 9, but I've been thinking about endgame a lot ever since tribal. I'm 100% confident that Willow will win any final 3 but I genuinely wouldn't mind going to the end with Zak and Mitchell because they're awesome folks aaaand they're kiiiinda getting cocky so it might give me a shot to win. Willow is amazing too but she's too big of a threat so if we get to the end she would have to go at 4 or 5

if i go home bc i played myself into not fuckin spelling reservoir correctly i'm gonna fuckin punch johnny frat boy in the face when i get to ponderosa

I'm a terrible person, I keep forgetting Luca is still in this game and I work with him. But, I mean anyone who reads my confessionals should know I'm a terrible and salty af person. Also i think the rum actually gave me a hangover, apparently bourbon and 151 doesn't mix, who knew? And I just did the immunity challenge and completely fucked up, I got a big zero, there is a reason I try never to spell anything out loud, I need to see things written. [sos]

https://youtu.be/coM4svs6ydY

LMAO I FUCKED UP THAT CHALLENGE SO BAD. I'm just really hoping other people messed up on the first word bc I don't wanna be the only one who got zero, thats embarassing. The second after I said "drout" I was like wait shit thats wrong its spelt "drought" oops!

This challenge will probably be my most shameful moment of TS, a fucking zero, I'm still not over it. But with Mitchell winning immunity there goes the main person i wanted out, which could be a good thing cause it made me rethink. I think Willow needs to go, I was so worried about Allie being a middle man between Lex and Willow that I overlooked Willow may be the real threat here. When she started gunning for Lex I just assumed it was because she was worried Allie might pick Lex over her cause they seemed so tight, but after that vote she was with Mitchell's group, and the same with Jacob's vote. Once, it can pass by as nothing but twice? and on the vote that blindsided Johnny, she's more in with that group than I thought. If I happen to be right about this, then this is our last chance to weaken their side before they get majority and I'm totally fucked because Mitchell and I might talk and get along but I think him saying he wants to work with me is 100% fake and he's just playing the game and there is no way I even make F5 with him. The biggest problem I see right now is Allie. She is the vote I really need to get to pull this off, and I'm not sure if she'll flip on Willow or not.

(a little bit later)

So apparently I freaked out Allie this morning, with coming to her about voting Willow. MY BAD. She doesn't wanna vote Willow, which I can understand, Willow has been her person throughout the game. I knew trying to flip her was a long shot but I figured I should try anyways. But I was able to make her question their relationship, since Willow has been leaving her out of plans lately. I feel like tribal is gonna be mess, but let's see how this goes~

Why do I have a funny feeling either me or Zak is gonna get idold out tonight

All day it seemed too goddamn good to be true. It looked like Lex was going to be 7 votes out, but then fucking willow and zak and aro had to be paranoid!! And IDK EUFHEWUEidsz WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE SAYING OR DOING!!!! Granted, I don't think Lexi has an idol or would play it if she does; and I CAN think that, since I have immunity and my neck is on the line. But they're fucking going CRAZY overboard with counter measures that would send Allie home anyways???? Even if Lex didn't have an idol????? This vote is gonna be so fukcing messy bc everyone in my alliance can't just sit STILL. jesus christ i still hope it'll be 7 votes lex or maybe 5 votes lex 2 votes allie but like... i don't fuckin get it. these kids are so dumb.

I'm fairly confident someone's lying or an idol is being played tonight and I'm gonna be packing my bags at tribal. Like... I've done so much work in this game and I'm not ready to go and this seems like such a simple vote but so did the vote when everyone was lying to me and Matt was voted out. Oh my godddd I'm not in the mood to get 9th place!!! I might have to pull out my flare tonight and we might have to flip the vote last minute because this Lexi puta probably has a fucking idol and she's voting me!!! I just really feel like something fishy is going on tonight and I'm not excited

I JUST MADE FUN OF PEOPLE FOR GETTING SPOOKED BUT NOW I'M SPOOKED TOO AND IDK WHAT THE FUCK TO DO WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK

(a bit later)

OK SO FINAL TALLY BASED ON WORDS PEOPLE HAVE SAID: 5 ON LEX 2 ON LA 1 ON ARO 1 ON ZAK. WHAT I EXPECT: 5 ON LEX 2 ON LA 2 ON EITHER ARO OR ZAK. DO I EXPECT TO GET FUCKED?????????????/ YEEEEEEEEEES FUCK YEEEEEEEEEEES BUT I GOT IMMUNITY ZAK GOT A FLARE IF AN IDOL COME OUT A FLARE COME OUT WE GOTTA RISK IT FOR THE BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISCUIT LET'S DAAAAAAAAAAAANCE

[5/4/17, 9:07:12 PM] Mitchell Kalabang: I heard the vote was gon be for aro [5/4/17, 9:07:17 PM] Mitchell Kalabang: if ur down for that??   On 5/4/17, at 9:09 PM, lex wrote: > Hi my vote it for zak (selfie) i really do love making big moves. i would like to thank ryan la luca and allie for making my shadiness possible this round. it really means a lot to my soul. this round started off pretty chill considering someone i thought was my biggest ally left in what has to be the weirdest tribal in quite a while. but johnny fucked himself up by targeting allie and i to the people we are closest to in the game? like did he honestly think we wouldnt find out... but i kept my mouth shut and pretended i did not know what he was doing cause if there is one thing i have learned in this game its to never plan shit at the last second cause its not going to end well for anyone. so he left and everyone was like yes we love each other hooray great hair babe but that all changed when the willow monster attacked. BUT IM SAfE AND I HAVE YET NEEDED AN IDOL! WOOOO PALAWAN ME WOULD NEVER!

#thequeenstaysqueen

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