#bc i keep thinking that like medication wouldn't be worth it if i didn't have a plan to actually improve my life but that if i had a

[aeolids-zenith]

i hate posts that are supposed to be positivity for people who lack friends or that say that social connections are like unexpectedly inevitable/straightforward to make or something, but then like. don't elaborate on how that is possible. it always just makes me feel more hopeless

[horce-divorce]

I keep flirting w the idea of resin and going back to "I wanna make dice" but no. just. no no no. I do want to make dice but It's not happening. Every time I start to think about it again I see some humbling shit about microplastics and suddenly desperately want to repent my sins and never touch plastic again.

I will use the rest of the resin jugs I have now and then I Might sometimes use UV resin as an accent on other artwork, or occasionally cast specific pieces. but I'm retiring the whole idea of Being A Resin Artist. It's cool and fun and I can't fucking keep doing it.

anytime I have to throw away something that didn't turn out, any time I have to use the Dremel or sand down the edges of a new piece, it makes me absolutely sick to my soul what I'm doing. Like I actually honest to god cannot live with myself as a fucking plastics manufacturer. I can't do it. I live on the shores of Lake Michigan and every time I rinse off a sanded down piece of resin im literally dumping plastic directly into that lake. That's disgusting. That goes against everything I've ever fucking believed since I was a tiny little child.

I still can't bring myself to call art resin "evil" on par with industrial plastics manufacturers, but every day I look at how many things around me are already made of plastic and aren't broken down yet- packaging. the handles on brushes. the handles on drawers. phone cases. shoes, tires, clothing- and I think about how much microplastic is already in our fucking bodies, and in the bodies of newborn babies, and in the bodies of fish in the sea, and in the rain. and then I think about how much more is out there waiting to break down, and I wonder, is the plastic in the ecosystem now just the tip of the iceberg? Even if we stopped using plastic globally tomorrow, how much more is still out there, in storage, unused in the basements and closets of our homes-- or currently in use!!-- patiently waiting to turn into microplastics hundreds of years down the line?

and then I look at the shit I'm making with resin and sure it's cool. it's very nice stuff. but absolutely none of it was fucking worth contributing to that. None of it. Not for a moment.

Yes, there are certain types of art you can only make with resin. It has a really cool effect on anything you put into it. It's super useful as a sealant. And for some things, plastic is the ONLY substance we can use for that item. Some things NEED that kind of packaging- notably medical supplies- but there's plenty of certain artwork you couldn't make without plastic, too. I hate the idea of a world without sopopomo's resin sculptures. Like, this is some of the coolest shit known to man, LOOK AT IT??? Im also a fan of those big log-resin tables, and like, those surf boards like rusted indigo does. I wouldn't dream of asking artists like this to stop using this medium, especially when they've clearly mastered it.

But your choice of material does end up saying something in the end. Thinking about the source of your materials and inspiration is part of the artistic process, but I really don't see any other resin artists talking about this... (Probably bc they stopped being resin artists if they felt this way, ig?) I mean I've seen some talk about the health hazards for YOU, because resin is also a freaky scary substance to fuck up with and it can burn your skin and give you lung issues and shit, in addition to being THE most harshly unforgiving art medium I've ever encountered.

But it kinda makes me feel insane? To be the only one wondering about this? Like the art you can make with resin is so beautiful, but it comes at SUCH a steep and ugly cost- and not just to your own health but to the environment and people and animals directly around you (you really need to have proper ventilation and full PPE to work with resin. and even cured resin, though nontoxic, can hurt you. Ever gotten a paper cut from freshly-cast plastic? It fucking SUCKS).

And it's so contradictory to me?? bc so many resin artists market themselves as like these witchy, down to earth, inspired-by-nature type of people, who are selling art to the same crowd. Myself included! There is enormous irony in saying "I love nature :)" and then encasing it in a vacuum sealed toxic plastic tomb. This was not lost on me personally, but I seem to be the only one who wants to like. Talk about it. Or address it as part of my artists statement, even. I feel crazy for it!!!! :/ I'm literally not even saying we should stop using resin as an art medium. I am licherally about to go pour some lmfao. I'm just asking like. What does it say about you as an artist-- what statement are you making with your art-- if that contradiction itself is the very approach? I don't know. I don't have an answer to that question and personally that makes me wanna back off, that's all I'm saying.

Like it's not really a moral judgement on other resin artists. I'm not saying all resin artists should want to quit. I know that EVEN COMBINED, all the individual resin artists in the world couldnt produce more trash than Nestle if we tried. this is about me, not about you.

It's just, after my friends supported me SO much in opening my Etsy shop, there's understandably a lot of questions about why I stopped posting/listing shit. it was admittedly going very well.

I just dont feel good about helping Nestle produce more trash lmfao! I don't think they need my help!

Cus again, who's paying the true cost at the end of the day? It's not just the monetary cost of the resin. If we're paying for Nestles & cos pollution, who's paying for mine? My lungs? My family's lungs? My cats, if they were to ever be exposed or get hurt on resin scraps? The wild animals and plants of this place I claim to love so much, who are just swallowing my garbage whole??

Like nobody else has to consider that if they don't want to. But that stuff matters to me. And it's worth so much more to me than a bunch of plastic keychains and shit that won't even sell for enough to buy me a week's worth of groceries.

Cus I see all the trash *I* manage to produce, as just one guy. then I think about, what about all the unused, unsecured resin in the world from people who didn't research proper disposal? From corporate manufactures who didn't care about regulations? What about all the uncured liquid components that never got disposed of properly! What about when wildlife inevitably gets into all that shit someday?

I walk along the beach and I pick up discarded scraps of plastic and broken beach toys in my spare time. and these days I think, "in 50 to 100 years this is exactly where all my lovingly crafted hard work will end up. with someone just like me picking up the pieces of trash on the beach." that's actually why I called my Etsy shop Rats Trash Stash. It was cheeky, and more about my skill level with resin than anything else, but the more I thought about it, the more it was eerily on the nose.

so anyway. y'all aren't my Instagram followers so you don't even know what I'm talking about and this means nothing to you lmfao... but it kinda sucks that resin as an art form kind of only became so widely available in the same breath as "we need to drastically reduce our plastics consumption."

Maybe in a world where every single thing isn't manufactured in the cheapest most toxic possible way, maybe in a world where corporations were forced to take responsibility for their garbage- maybe in that world, plastic has a small enough impact overall that it wouldn't tear me up like this to do resin art. but we don't live there. and I can't keep doing this shit, I'm literally losing sleep over it.

Anyway I'm writing all this bc in order to finish using said resin I have to go pour some. And it's just turned into this whole Thing now every time I get an idea I wanna pour, I have a whole ethical dilemma to work thru first before I can bring myself to mix a batch. So this is me attempting psyching myself up to go do that lmfao. 💀 I have a journal to finish.

But on that note, Ive actually super enjoyed making the journals and it's inspired me to get back into papermaking and bookbinding, so I think maybe I'll keep doing journals even after I put away the resin for good. We'll see. I dislike the idea of giving up resin tbh but the alternative seems much much worse.

[vizthedatum]

Decisions to protect myself

More and more, I am giving myself permission (it was always within my power) to protect myself.

I couldn't when I was growing up with my mom - not even to the police who showed up when she physically abused me so badly when I was six - I didn't want them to take me away - I lied - I kept lying my whole life - I knew she loved me but I also knew what she was doing was wrong - and I thought I was wrong and that I deserved it. I thought I deserved it all. I deeply thought I was stupid and if I tried harder, I wouldn't be such a stupid child. Nothing I did in my life made them think I wasn't ruining my life. They'd mock me telling me how I wouldn't get into community college... and I fucking made it into an Ivy League (I made it broken and shattered but regardless). And now, now that I'm out as trans and completely redefining my life... they think I've lost it.

--

That's it, right?

The moment I show who I am... when it goes against what you wanted me to be, that's when you think I've lost it.

After all the excuses and the effort I put into ALL of you - the moment that I need support... real support, you leave.

I was completely discarded by my spouse and their entire family - FAMILY who I considered my own. They did nothing to help me. My MIL, who I loved, .... she didn't get it. I had to cut off ties with her because she didn't understand why I was calling it domestic violence. I knew she would side with her child so I let her go.

--

What did it look like from the outside??

It's so easy to look at me like I'm crazy, I guess. I'm unreliable when I'm being gaslit and controlled. When I'm pleading with myself that they're not really doing anything wrong. When I only showcase the good and not the bad. See me crying - trying to reason with my abuser who I loved - listen to them explain how crazy and unreasonable I am....

I went to therapy for years. I maintained my friendships. I have documented how physically ill I was - in my medical chart. I was having severe flares. I was having symptoms I couldn't explain. I'd go nonverbal. Sometimes my body would just give up.

I fought for our relationship to the best of my ability until I realized I was in serious danger.

They did not fight for us - they just thought they were right.

They had a six-figure job, kept me trapped within our home due to fear of covid, berated me, denied how serious the emotional abuse was, didn't work on repairing our relationship, did NOT seek therapy or any external help, refused to come up with solutions with me, imposed ultimatums, convinced their ex (babe, you're not a great mental health advocate if you're going around telling people I'm having a psychotic breakdown - bc even if I were, that's ableist! You literally could have done the noble thing and refused to interact with me - but you didn't - you cruelly defended your ex because you sided with them) that I'm making shit up, tried to get me to block my lovers (and they knew about each and every one of them - I did not keep shit from them) despite not blocking their exes, convinced me systematically to let go of friendships and isolate myself, undermined my sense of worth, REFUSED TO GET HELP FOR OUR MOUSE INFESTATION THAT WAS WORSE THAN OUR RISK FOR COVID OMFG WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU, tried to take my meds away, judged me for being so ill I couldn't do things, threw tantrums when I needed my own space, probably called me abusive when I left food in the sink which I tried so hard not to do (it only happened bc I needed to stage how I did dishes (Oh yeah, I did dishes most of the time because they couldn't - did y'all know that? Did y'all know how much household coordination I did while being chronically ill and in pain? They hated asking for help so I had to either beg them to help me when I was physically weak, pay for people to help, plead/beg for them to allow people to help us, or do it myself) because of my fatigue and illness you ableist dumb motherfucker... and more. And the last time we had sex, it was rape. It undoubtedly was. You had such little empathy for me that you can't even tell. You made my life miserable because I went to MN and left you alone because I had to go help my brother - something you knew I would do in a heartbeat. You denied how badly you were hurting so you hurt me instead. You hurt your best friend and spouse who LOVED YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. Look at me now - does it look like I'm having a breakdown? Is my rage all a joke to you? You think I'm insane because you don't think I'm allowed to have my valid feelings? Does it make you happy to know that you destroyed your relationship with your autistic, trans, brown, traumatized spouse who loved you so much? Do you acknowledge that I'm finally able to live my life? I can move more - look at how different I look - my inflammation is down - and I do not care if I am putting myself at covid-risk (I'm vaccinated and more knowledgeable about my risk because I'm a fucking epidemiologist who knows that my social needs are just as important than preventing infection). Do I need to spell it out for you? I tried so hard to diagnose what was going wrong with my life... it was you (and my mom and all my trauma), but acutely, it was you.

And if you had worked on yourself and us - I would have stayed with you forever.

I really hope the divorce gets finalized this year.

Next time, I'm having a prenup, a huge wedding, couple's therapy wayyyy before we get married, an insistence on inner work for the both of us (this is a requirement for all relationships from here on out), and more.

I deserve the fucking world, and I hate that you all almost had me believing that I did not.

[anaalnathrakhs]

many things on my mind lately but if i can nitpick something from the past i really really hate how dismissive mental health professionals can be when you think or even KNOW that the solution they propose wouldn't work for you.

like i knowwwwwww eating disorders twist one's perception of reality. i know that. it still doesn't mean that you get to act like i'm a stupid ungrateful bitch for refusing your One treatement solution. you can tell me politely "sorry but that's all we can offer you", certainly not try to guilt me into doing something that would shoot dead my mental health bc i make my parents soooooo sad uwu and i'm soooooo completely unaware and unconscious of what i'm doing. like god. i have priorities of my own perhaps. i know why i'm the way i am better than a random nutritionist who saw me for fifteen minutes and maaaaaybe read the mess that is my medical file.

like really. how can you sit down a depressed eating-disordered person, and tell them "so, you have to get a feeding tube, and you won't go out or do any type of exercise for at least a month and live in the hospital" and start being rude and condescending the second they refuse. like what, so i just give up everything that helps me keep going? i say fuck school fuck having a social life, let's stay in a room 24/7, and that's supposed to help my depression & other problems currently manifesting as anorexia?

sorry kid i know you have serious food problems that prevent you from eating in canteens & the likes since birth, a guilt complex over how costly your daily life is and how burdensome you are to other people, intense longing for freedom and control of your own life, body image issues, self-worth issues, and anhedonia. so, i say, we remove any kind of pleasure from eating food, during a costly burdensome and time consuming treatement that will be entierly on our terms, at the end of which we'll measure how well you recovered from this recent problem by making you do something you've never been able to do in your entire life. and if you refuse clearly you're too mentally ill to know what's good for you.

he didn't look me in the eye and call me an ungrateful bitch but he strongly implied so, i assume with the goal of guilting me into abiding to his easy one-size-fits-all treatement.

[lacefuneral]

I know this is a very personal question and you 100% don't have to answer if you don't want to, just delete this and I won't ask again. but, I'm a trans guy and I've been looking into HRT and the possibility of going on T, which is something I wanna do but it's not something I wanna do forever. there's not as much information as I would like on starting and then stopping T, so I hoped I could ask you some things?

basically, I want some of the effects T will have on my body, and I don't mind leading with some of the "side effects"/less desirable things that it will also do to my body. that's all cool, I know all that. but I've read in some places that after taking T for long enough it may becomes necessary to remove certain organs (uterus and ovaries I think), it said smth about estrogen production vs T, and from that point on the person needs to either continue taking T for the rest of their life or, if they want to stop, they'll probably need to take estrogen. I don't know, it wasn't explained that well and I couldn't find much information about it either.

I obviously don't want that, I don't want to have to depend of artificial hormones my whole life (regardless of if it's T or E, but I def don't want E) bc it's a hassle. I know that every body is different and everyone reacts different to different things, but I was hoping you could tell me a little about your experience with stopping T? I understand it's pretty recent, so maybe not much has changed, but I was hoping you had some more information about the whole thing.

thank you, and sorry to bother you. and again, if this isn't something you want to talk about you can delete this ask and I won't mention it again.

Oh sure, no problem! I'm gonna put this under a readmore because it's long and because some of this stuff should be content warned.

(cw for mentions of the following: cancer, genitalia, death, medical transphobia, dysphoria, menstruation, pregnancy, TMI/sexual stuff)

So, I stopped T two years ago for various reasons. I felt like the permanent changes were good enough - that staying on T wouldn't really be worth it because my voice already dropped, I could grow facial hair, I had an adam's apple, I had lower growth - basically everything I wanted from testosterone. I wasn’t going to experience any additional positive changes.

There were also a lot of side effects I knew I could rid myself of by stopping: inability to cry (due to smaller tear ducts), high libido (I already had one and T made it worse), untreatable acne, and vaginal atrophy. Combined with the fact that injections were physically painful and difficult for me, often requiring multiple attempts (I'm fat and I had a lot of scar tissue in my thighs that built up over time as I kept injecting) and that insurance didn't cover the cost of my prescription.

So, my decision to stop T had nothing to do with my organs. That wasn't really something I factored in at all. Everything is still intact, so to speak, and I intend to keep it that way. I have no plans to undergo a hysterectomy. I did consider it at one point, because the thought of having a uterus inside of me was dysphoric - like a kind of parasitic body horror - but I don't feel that way anymore. It's just another part of my body.

The one downside is that I do have periods again, which sucks, but I'm not willing to do anything about it. There's no need for me to go on birth control because I’m in a gay t4t relationship, and I refuse to have an invasive implant or take a medication that may negatively impact my mental health just so I don't bleed each month.

There aren’t a lot of studies on prolonged testosterone usage in transmascs, so it hasn't been proven that T actually damages these organs. It's something that may be possible, but it seems to be more of fear-mongering than anything. In fact, transmascs are capable of getting pregnant and having healthy children even after using T for several years (although continued use during pregnancy is not recommended). Transmascs can experience problems with their reproductive system... but so can people who are not on T.

We know the story of Robert Eads, which is extremely tragic. In his case, he died because he was denied medical care for his ovarian cancer (due to transphobic doctors being unwilling to treat him) not because he was on T. Unfortunately, I feel like his story has been mythologized and that's where this misconception comes from. This idea that taking T for too long will give you cancer.

I will say this though: menopause is a thing. And it happens to everyone who has ovaries. So at some point, when I'm old, I will have to switch to a synthetic hormone. You can technically live without a regulating hormone, but I've seen what happened to my mom, who had a hysterectomy/oophorectomy and isn't on any hormones... it's not great. She's sick often, full of arthritis and osteoporosis, and has many chronic health issues. The body deteriorates, essentially. 

But for most of your life? You should be able to get by with the estrogen your ovaries produce, should you decide to stop T. But if you decide to stay on T, it probably isn't gonna destroy your organs, and I think you'll be okay.

When I stopped T, I experienced these positive changes: My face and body became rounder (which was epic for me because I like to appear androgynous/feminine), it takes longer for my facial hair to grow back after I shave (epic for the same reason), my libido is lower, my vaginal atrophy reversed, my lower growth is more sensitive, my acne cleared up, and I can cry again (it’s so cathartic!). I also smell different? Not better or worse, it's just its own thing.

Negative things? I experienced erectile dysfunction for 2 months but it went away on its own (yes that can apparently happen to trans men and no, there is no information online about it), and I did experience slight shrinkage, but nothing too noticeable. Oh and the period returning, obviously. But overall, I feel like it was worth it, in my case, to stop T. 

I list it among the best decisions i’ve ever made, along with starting T in the first place and having top surgery. Zero regrets for any aspect of my transition thus far.

[snnbnny]

hiii bunn ! it’s me (kurisu @/hyeque) i wanted to join your birthday event and i wanted to know if i could get a matchup, preferably a romantic one!

below is a ss of stuff i’ve said about myself from a previous match-up (keeping things consistent). in addition i am an infj-t and a scorpio sun and virgo moon. lastly i would like a male match up from haikyuu and jjk ! thank you for hosting this event and happy birthday! thank you for always being so sweet and engaging with my account <3

╚⏤╗Hai Risu!!! Welcome to the party! I hope you have fun here!╔⏤╝

╰┈➤FOR HQ, you have been matched with....

-> The smug and calculated guest that showed up despite previous hesitations, Kei Tsukishima!!! Kei was invited, but knowing his lack of fondness for some of those invited and a rather dismissive attitude towards the entire event, we had thought Tsuki wouldn't show. But he did! and we're glad he did because there would be no one better for you to be matched with!

AT THE PARTY YOU TWO WOULD...

-People watching from a part of the venue with a good view, preferably something like a balcony. You two would do the little game of weirdly specific assumptions about the party-goers. At one point you were almost found out because you were laughing to loud. -Talking about video essays you had seen together, turns out you had both just watched this specific VE that came out recently about the Cretaceous period. The two of you proceed to make plans to watch a couple VE's you agreed upon together. -Criticizing the music being played, saying which ones you loved and hated. Which did lead to friendly discourse but nothing to serious. You decided to trade Spotify's and create playlists for each other. Despite the odds, you two actually did pretty well. -At the end of the night, he would invite you to stop by the Sendai museum sometime and he would give you a tour. That was of course, in exchange for him to hear you sing something.

I PAIRED YOU TWO BECAUSE...

-You just have the energy that your soulmates -Ik he's one of the main characters you simp for, and I did try to find someone else to not seem like I was choosing Tsuki bc of that but tbh I couldn't wholeheartedly say I could have done that -Virgos and Scorpios are excellent matches (i don't check these until after the pairing) -two nerds, one mean the other real nice -You two are the same, you take time to open up and trust others -He's hiding a lot of vulnerability and low-self esteem. I feel like you can be the boost Kei needs! -Always watching video essays together, I feel like he'd find science and medical ones especially fascinating

╰┈➤FOR JJK, you have been matched with....

->The stoic and straight to the point, Kento Nanami, who probably doesn't want to be here. Like Kei, he was invited but we didn't think he would show. This didn't really seem like his scene, especially with colleagues around. When he was asked to come, he told us straight out. "I don't believe that I want to go." Yet here he is, and believe me, he now believes it is worth it. Not only did he meet several others from other universes to have intelligent conversations with him but he also found you Risu

AT THE PARTY YOU TWO WOULD...

-Converse about intelligent topics such as science and medicine, things you gathered knowledge from the recent video essays you have watched. -You introduce him to the concept of video essays, trust me he gets hooked. -You also speak of creative activities, he never finds time to partake in any himself but that doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy them. He wants to see and hear anything you have on hand that you created. -He asks to take you to this theater preformance he has tickets for, an excuse to see you again and get your number.

I PAIRED YOU TWO BECAUSE...

-I think you two would mesh well, not being to out of hand for each other, and you both are knowledgeable -He wouldn't force anything out of you that you don't wish to say, respecting the need for time to develop trust -Kinda the same last few reasons as Tsuki -Cancer and Scorpios are compatible!

● The party has only just begun my friend●

══✿══╡°˖✧✿rb, likes, and comment✿✧˖°╞══✿══