#beautiful as always strom <3

[whatsonmedia]

Thursday Thrill: Events of the Week!

WhatsOn editor, Nicole Newman has come up with new list of events for the week. The events are fun and thrilling to make your weekends fun-filled. Here are the list of events of the week! Dimension 1 - 5 Sept Off the back of a spellbinding event in 2021, Dimension Festival returns in the beautiful surroundings of The Garden Resort, Tisno, Croatia. This year Dimension is celebrating its 10th year anniversary; so this year for all the global devoted dance music lovers who partake in the annual pilgrimage to Croatia, to spread their dance wings, it’s sure to be one exclusive festival to be at.  As always the sellout festival hosts the hottest sun drenched sets and best night time parties. It’s a festival holiday that any festival aficionado will meet their desires.  It includes label parties, UKG celebrations, back-to-back exclusives, Detroit specials, debut sets, and much more.  The line up is huge and includes some of the finest international DJs flying in to keep you dancing all festival long, including Helena Star, ADAB, Adam Pits, Move D, DVS1, DJ Strom, OCB, Frankenstein, and many more. Its time to delve into another Dimension! Tickets & More Info>dimensionsfestival.com Beautiful People Festival 3 Sept Finishing off the summer in style the Beautiful People Festivals heads into London's Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park this September for its annual celebration.  The one-day danceathon showcases a pulsating day of all things house, soul, R&B, garage and disco.  The festival always delivers on one of the biggest line up of dance music finest in the heart of capital city. Music wise the festival offers platefuls of music lovin goodies with a mix of DJs and Live Acts spanning genres to feast your dance music tastebuds on such as US/Afro/Deep & Soulful House, Disco, Soul, UK Garage, RnB, Drum & Bass, Reggae and Hip Hop.  This years line up hosts Master At Work ‘Celebrates 25 Years of’, Arrested Development, Dave Lee Zr, Dj Spen B2b Teddy Douglas, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Artful Dodger, DJ Spoony, DJ Hype, Booker T, Bigger, Brandon Block, Jumpin Jack Frost, Masterstepz, Matt ‘Jam’ Lamont.  Beautiful People get your groove on! Tickets & More Info> beautifulpeoplefestival.com  Sundown Festival 2 - 4 Sept Sundown Festival is Norfolk's number one UKs bass and dance music festival.  Having built itself in high esteem with past festivalgoers for its location, polite staff and quickness to get into.  It brings in a full capacity crowd of music loving festivalgoers each year.  Set in some magical surroundings with art instillation, fair rides the best foodie stalls its offers the full on festival weekend away experience.   Now lets talk about the line up for the already sold out event!  Sundown Festival has curated one of the finest bass music royalty line-ups for 2022 for its festival home at the Norfolk Showground.  And includes AJ Tracey, Sean Paul, Andy C ft Tonn Piper, Charlie Sloth, Digga D, Jonas Blue, Ms Banks, Sigala, Wes Nelson, Yung Filly, Holy Goof, Jax Jones, Low Steppa, Majestic, Sam Divine, Shy FX, Tom Zanetti, Wilkinson and so many more Its time for the northern Sundown explosion! Tickets & More Info> sundownfestival.co.uk Electric Zoo Festival 2 - 4 Sept The international Electric Zoo festival arrives for its annual destination at Randall Island Park, on Labor Day weekend in New York City.  The festival has become one of the cities biggest annual dance music festivals to a sell out crowd.  Representing all genres of electronic music that festivalgoers could wish for.  Hosting top international DJs and live acts from across the globe to the four massive stage productions.  Its time for all New Yorkers and its lucky visitors to get their festival heads on for one stellar festival atmosphere and party on for this three-day EDM festival.  This years line up includes one of the biggest DJ rosters of elite with Loco Dice, Armin Van Buuren, Martin Garrix, Jauz, Carl Cox, Peekaboo, Clozee, Camelphat, Gorgen City, Afrojack, and many more Its time to release your inner animal! Tickets & More Info> electriczoo.com Tranzmission Festival 2022 4 Sept London’s Rave Festival returns for its 5th year, to finish off the summer in style with a massive line-up featuring the very best in Drum & Bass, Garage, Jungle, House & Old Skool. Who>DJ Fresh, Holy Goof, DJ Luck & MC Neat, Shadow Child (2012-2014 Set), GW Harrison, Slipmatt, Billy “Daniel” Bunter, Ellis-D, Raga Twins, Shabba D (On Vinyl), Slipmatt (1986-7 House set), El Matador3, Billy "Daniel" Bunter, Fat Controller Rave to the Grave! Tickets & More Info> tranzmissiom.london.co.uk Burning Man 28 Aug - 5 Sept Burning Man is the ultimate USA, people festival. With festival party people travelling from all corners of the globe to be part of this phenomenal event. The stage productions, art instillations and stunning event surroundings are like no other. Taking place for its annual festival shindig at Black Rock Desert in the Nevada desert, the festival is one big celebration for bringing freedom back into an increasingly regulated life. Starting in 1986, Burning Man has grown into a cultural imitation festival around the globe. Burning Man doesn’t like to go under the guise as a traditional dance music festival, its takes on a whole community spiritual vibe that’s spread across the city to make it one big event.  It will be one unforgettable experience that delivers of all aspects.   That said Burning Man always bring the best DJs for this non stop cultural festival which includes Carl Cox, John Summit, Diplo b2b Vintage Culture, Above & Beyond, Tiesto, Armin Van Buuren, Live sets from Infected Mushroom and so much more. Burning Man is a place where you’re festival dreams come true with this years theme ‘Waking Dreams’  Burn Baby Burn! Tickets & More Info>burningman.org Read the full article

[little-dragon-stories]

It took me too much time

A friends to lover journey for Jiyong and Y/n. Here’s how it all began.

Warning: Smut, language, cuteness overload. Oooh, in the smut part, there is a bit of masochism (not to an extreme, it’s cute. Said in another way, she loves it when it hurts a bit), outdoor sex.  Also, a big fear of storms, the mention of a fire.

W.C. 17796 (of pure hapiness... it made me very happy to write it <3)

Personal note: This is one of my fav gif of Ji. Let’s pretend that it’s him as he’s having a good time with his best friend, okay? Okay!

Sorry for that title and description, I didn’t know how to name it until now, LMAO.

Hopefully, you will love this one. It’s cute, sexy, funny. There is angst too.

Here it is

A double date, 5 years ago.

You were not sure if it was a good idea but you couldn’t refuse to go. It was a gift on a silver plate for your friend, more likely your favorite co-worker. Jiyong had agreed to go on a date with her but at one condition: it had to be a double date. Apparently, his friend Seunghyun was head over toes for you and was too shy to ask you out. It was the perfect occasion for Jiyong, maybe he would get some and his friend would have a chance to meet the girls he was silently in love with.  Well, most precisely, to have a complete conversation instead of the formalities you exchanged when you served him at the café.

You were working in a café where the boys came to relax and eat after their practice At the time they came, the café was almost emptied from the patreons.  They were the best friends in the world, bandmates working hard to pursue their dream in the music industry. They had made their debut a while ago and the reactions were enthusiastics. The press had good reviews of their albums and the fan base grew. They were starting big.

“It will be fun,” she said, “believe me, Seunghyun is such a cutie pie, a perfect match for you. Plus, you never went on a double date before so you can’t tell me that you don’t like it”.

“Okay but I’m only doing it for you. You owe me one girl...”

This is when you had met Seunghyun and Jiyong and got to have a real conversation with them. During the date, your friend was drooling in front of Jiyong, drinking each one of his words, a slanted smile across her face. It was cutely pathetic to witness.  

Because you weren’t in a place in your life to have a boyfriend, you made it clear with Seunghyun that it would not be possible. Oh! perfect he was! He had a beautiful face, a sharp sense of humor, a deep voice and a tender smile. He was just magnificent.  It could have worked, under different circumstances. It really could have.

When it was time to split and as much as they didn’t seem to fit together, Jiyong and your friend decided that they wanted to pursue the night together. Seunghyun had dropped you to your place, you exchanged phone numbers before you left his car. You didn’t fall for him the way he wanted but at least, he was a good person and you were willing to get to know him better, as a friend.

Even though the evening turned out to be a flop on the romantic level, something wonderful came of it. Your friendship with Jiyong and somehow with Seunghyun too. Just for that, the double date was more than worth it.

Present day

“Earth to the moon! 1.2, 1.2! There’s distortion on the line” Jiyong mocked.

“Sorry, I was thinking… Do you remember the first time we met?”

"Oooh! You mean the night I had the worst sex ever with that annoying bartender?”

“Damn boy, don’t be so mean. That poor girl did her best! She was probably so stressed to be in front of you. You were already a sex symbol back then!”

“True, I was undeniably sexy already” he said, shaking his butts but realizing what he just did, his cheeks turned pink.

Both of you laughed. You have lost your friendship with her the day Jiyong broke up with her, 2 weeks after the double date. Because you continued to talk to him, she cut you off of her life, telling you that you were not “on her side”. The last time you heard about her, she had divorced from her husband and was dating an old but rich CEO. She didn’t change at all, bitch was a sucker for money and status.

“Still Ji, you got to know me that night! You won in the long run, man!” you said, proudly flipping your hair.

“Aww! You’re so cute” he cooed, “True! What would I do without that adorable friend of mine that crashes my sofa each time they announce a storm” he said piling up the plates that had dried on the kitchen counter.

“Hey, it scares me okay?”

“Oh! I know you are scared but what the fuck am I suppose to do to protect you? I can’t stop the lightning from falling over your head!”

“YAH! You’re supposed to help me calm down! Not to scare the shit out of me!”

“Girl, you are so much cuter when you don’t have that badmouth!”

“I don’t want to be cute Ji! I just don’t want to die tonight! Did you see the sky? It’s gonna be hell of a storm, I’m telling you” you pointed to the window to mark your point.

“I hope we’ll survive!” he teased. He came closer to you and kissed your temple while one of his hands rested on your shoulder in a protective way. “At least you bought sushi! If we die tonight, it will be with a filled tummy. I have a new wine that will be perfect with it, too”.

“Ji, I don’t like it at all. I’m really scared. Don’t mock me”.

“I know, love! I’m just teasing you”.

Fun fact, you were not that scared of the storm anymore. Well, you were still scared but not petrified like you used to be. But because you had that habit of crashing his sofa and getting those nights in each time there was an appearance of a storm, you neglected to specify it to your friend.

“Anyway, I hope I didn’t ruin your plans. You can go, if you have a date you didn’t tell me about or something”.

“Nah, I have nothing to do that cannot be done from here, maybe just a little work.  Plus, I have to protect you from the lightning with my super powers! What would you do without me?” he giggled.

You smiled at him tenderly. Jiyong was such a wonderful person. You were more than happy that you had the chance to call him your friend. He always had your back and you always had his. It was like that, you two against the world.  For some reasons, each time something happens to one of you, the other would automatically feel it and call right away. It was like a premonition, a soulmate thing. It made you both smile and care for the other even more. 

Of course, when one of you was in a relationship things got complicated. Your partners didn’t always understand that need you both have to call each other on a daily basis. “If she/he is so important to you, why don’t you marry her/him”? You both heard that often.

“Awww! You’re my personal superhero! I like that! By the way, before you arrived, I filled your fridge with side dishes and lunch boxes. I cooked for myself, so I brought you some”.

“You’re a bad liar, missy. You cooked for us, not for yourself only. You even bought us matching lunch boxes last month”

“True… I cooked for the both of us! And true, I bought it knowing it was matching, I couldn’t resist! Don’t make a big deal out of it, it was just too cute. Instead of a bff bracelet, we have bff matching lunch boxes” you exclaimed.

“Aaaaaw! Finally, you admit it was made to match! Thanks hun, I love the boxes and I love even more the food that you put in it”.

“My pleasure Mr Kwon! Let’s shower before it rains”

“ Why do you keep saying that?”

“It’s common sense and commun knowledge that you can’t shower or bathe when it rains in case there will be a storm, okay? I’ll go first”.

You ran to the bathroom before he had the time to argue. You knew what he was about to say anyway. He told you many times but you were still really scared of it. When you were a teenager, lightning crashed a utility pole near your house, causing an electrical fire. The strong winds had pushed the flames and your house was set on fire despite the heavy rain. It all happened while you were in the shower. That night, you were babysitting your little brother and you had to evacuate the house in a towel with him in your arms. The bad association of shower and strom had stuck in your head even though there was nothing dangerous for real. You were doing your best and you were fighting against your fear with all the courage that you had, but you still had to work more. 

You turned the water off, got out of the luxurious shower and sighted with ease when your feet landed on the fluffy bath mat. Caressing the soft fabric with your toe, you wonder if you were walking on something that was worth more than the price of your car!

“Jiiiiii! Jiyong!" when he didn’t answer the tenth time you called out his name, you went out of the bathroom. You were wrapped in his bathrobe with your hair raised in a white towel  “Where the hell are you?” you called out.

“YAH! Don’t swear love. It’s not cute” He was adding the dressing on top of a roasted veggies salad he just fixed for you. He didn’t like it but he knew it was your favorite. Therefore, he always kept the ingredients in his fridge to be able to serve you one. That and your favorite chocolate, your favorite champagne and wine, your favorite ice cream and so much more little things that you cherish. 

“I don’t need to be cute because you already are whipped for me. Plus, I’m not your girl, so cute or not, you’re not supposed to care!”

“What are you saying? You’re the cutest girl of them all, why can’t you see it? You’re my sweet but bad mouthed girl”. 

At that moment, he lifted his head and noticed how you were dressed. More likely, not dressed, in front of him. You were so cute with your concerned face, frowning with an obvious concern written on your face. He turned his head to look the other way around, covering his eyes with one hand and blushing shyly.

“I’m sorry I took your bathrobe but you were not answering me”.

“I didn’t hear you, what is it that you had to come here naked?”

“I’m not naked, relax for god’s sake! Plus a body is a body, we’re all constructed on the same pattern. So please, just calm down”.

“I can’t relax. You’re naked in front of me”

“Not naked, Sweet baby Jesus. You wanna see what naked really is?” You teased, toying with the knot of the dressing gown. Of course you would never open it and flash your naked body to him like that but he was annoying with his conservative ass and you felt a little bit provocative.

“Yah! Keep it for your man, you naughty!”

“Jesus Christ… I won’t undress, take it easy. Anyway, I’m done with the shower. I just wanted to tell you that it’s your turn. Go, before the storm starts, it’s so dark it will soon. I’ll get dressed in your room, okay?”.

Uncomfortable, he didn’t argue and ran into the shower.

He didn’t like to see you undressed, for some reasons. He was always telling you “love, can you buy longer skirts next time?”, “A bikini, are you kidding me? Why not a normal one piece swimsuit?”, “Please Y/n, don’t walk around the house in just a towel”. Jiyong had a vision of nudity that was beyond your comprehension. You never saw each other naked, that goes without saying. And of course, you never complied to his demands, telling him that you were not more or less dressed than other women of your age, which was true. You were not wearing revealing clothes anyway, he was just too old fashion.  Maybe you were pushing it with the towel thing but hey! He was even worse than you, walking in his briefs way more often than you were ‘indecent’ yourself.

When he came out of the shower, you had comfortably draped your neck with a long scarf. You were wearing a Bigbang crop top with the inscription 'V.I.P for life" and short shorts that you wore to sleep only. A long cream cardigan buttoned up to your chin covered it all. You knew you wouldn’t need more clothes to stay warm, you had a big blanket resting on the armrest of his couch. 

You finished assembling the plates with the sushi, served yourself an extra big portion of his salad and put it all on the coffee table in the living room. The wine and the bottle opener were waiting on the table with some nachos, salsa and candies for later. It was usually sitting on the floor with your back leaning against the sofa as you started the evening. Normally you weren't able to finish a movie because one or the other often fell asleep before the end. More likely, it was him that fell asleep. Then, you would always gently slide his head on a small cushion over your thighs and stroke his hair. At the end of the film, you never had the courage to wake him up, you knew that his sleep was precious and that he often suffered from insomnia. You let him in the same position and fell asleep with your head uncomfortably leaned against the couch. In the morning, he had moved and would be in a different position, on the floor. You didn’t know that he never realised the scalp and head massages. Tonight, he will notice though.

Jiyong had the bad idea to put a horror movie at night like this one, when you were already nervous. He didn’t think twice, as soon as the movie you wanted to watch for so long was out, he bought it for you. He was not a bit interested in it but he knew you would be happy.

 “Tadam,” he cutely said when the title appeared on the screen. 

“Oh, thanks Ji, you remembered”.

“Duh! Of course, you kept rambling about it for days” he teased.

“I’m happy, at least I’ll be scared for something else than the storm. It’s perfect”.

The movie had started and really soon, Jiyong knew that he wouldn’t make it through the end.

It was the thunder that awakened him. There was rain, lightning and strong winds outside. Despite the storm roaring, he felt enveloped in a big comforting bubble, cocooned under a blanket like a burrito. Above all, the familiar and comforting smell, your smell, that shielded him with security and pure happiness. He felt as if he was in a dream. He was too comfortable to open his eyes but he knew his head was on your thighs and it was your hands on his neck.

Your hands… on his neck!  

You had slipped your fingers under his nape, cupping it, your thumbs resting gently on his throat. He felt vulnerable but yet, secure at the same time. He felt raw, in the most beautiful and pure way.  He recognised your scent, your warmth, your breathing. What was he doing, lying on you like that? He wasn’t sure but he never felt like home more than right now. A little confused, he opened his eyes and analysed his surroundings.

You were concentrated on what was happening to the screen, softly murmuring advice to the characters in order to, as far as he could tell, not being murdered with a chainsaw.  

“Stupid, stupid, stupid… Girl, at this point it will be natural selection… See, I told you! You deserved it, not gonna lie”

Jiyong smiled at your cuteness. This is when he felt your hands start to move on his neck.Your fingers were making a gentle downward pressure close to the base of the skull, you were stretching his neck muscles and it was orgasmic. He said nothing, did nothing and even stopped thinking. He refrained himself from groaning with pure happiness.

“See what you did there? How could you take such a dumb decision” still talking to the television. He wouldn’t be surprised if you start to throw food at the screen!

In this position, he could see you from a new angle. A “from above’ angle that gave him dirty thoughts. In a split second, that tender moment turned into a hunger. An intense impulse that he felt quite often recently. An unbearable desire combined with an impulse of the heart. It was a strange feeling, he had never felt like that before. 

If he turned his face 90 degrees and went just a few centimeters down, he would be right at the good place to please you with his tongue and lips and fingers… Just the thought of it made blood boil.

“Woah Kwon Jiyong! Stop it!” he thought for himself. “Are you so horny that you will try to hit on your sweet best friend and ruin 5 years of a solid friendship? Damn it boy!” But also, dirty things happened between you, once. Maybe it was possible again… But was it what he wanted, a one shot deal? He was quite not sure about it. 

Before he could stop his hormones from increasing, he felt his blood run directly to his crotch. He was so hard, it was almost as if all the blood contained in his body had decided to meet there. Your fingers continued to massage his neck, stretching the muscles, putting some pressure on different spots. You were completely unaware of his state, naive little creature that you were.

It could have been a perfect blissful moment but his fucking dick had interrupt. He knew it was unfair to stay like that, to let you massage him with the effect it had on the south direction his blood was taken. So, he took one of your hands and kissed your fingers before he sat up.

“Oooh, sleepy head. You’re awake?” you smiled at him with that beautiful smile of yours. You were not wearing any makeup, your hair was messy and your clothes didn’t match but you were just perfect like that. You had the most beautiful face he never saw in his life. How come he didn’t realise it sooner?.

“Hum mmm. You love the movie?” he placed a cushion on his middle to hide his erection.

“It’s good, yes! Are you okay? You’re pale!”

“Not surprising, the blood has left my head!”

“What? You have a headache?”

“Forget it. I’ll fresh up a bit. Be right back” 

He used to good advantage the fact that your attention was again turned towards the screen.  He got up in a hurry, hiding what he had to hide. He went to the bathroom and cleaned his face to cool down. Looking inside his briefs, he sighted! 

“Fuck you Kwon Jiyong! Fuck! Fuck! What’s your problem? She’s your friend, dammit! She is just a sweet and cute girl. What’s happening to me recently? Why have I started to dream of her? Why did I start longing for her? What are those bubbly sensations that I feel when she’s coming home to me?”.

Recently, he had noticed that not only his body reactions were different but that his emotions had changed as well. That he was more and more happy to see you. That he had way more thoughts about you than he used to. To a point that he even refused a date with an interesting woman just to be able to call you on time, just because he had said “I’ll call you before 9”. He said it, he had to comply, right? What did you talk about? Sweet nothings but it was still a wonderful moment. He allowed himself a few moments for the blood gathered in his penis to turn back. He had a crazy hard time getting there. 

Having the sensation that he was not feeling good, that something was not okay, you paused the movie and walked towards the bathroom. 

“Do you need something Jiyong? You are really pale, I’m not joking. It seems like you have seen a ghost” you said as soon as he opened the door.

He was mad, but not at you. He was mad at himself for the reaction his body had. Confused too. He also knew that he couldn’t tell you what just happened because you would tease him for days. Or worse, you would exclaim a loud and clear disgusted “EEEW” to tease him. That he couldn’t support.

“Listen, I’m going to sleep early tonight. You can continue the movie, don’t wait for me”.

Without an explanation he left for his bedroom and closed the door. It was rude but it was a necessity.

You came back to the living room and sat on the couch. Your thighs were still mild with Jiyong’s warmth. 

You couldn’t concentrate on the movie. What’s got into him? You stood up and walked towards his room, concerned. You just hope that he didn’t discover your ‘secret’.

3 years ago, on Christmas eve

After you finished hanging the garlands, you stepped back and enjoyed your hard work, satisfied.  Yesterday, Jiyong announced that the band would not be able to fly to Korea for Christmas. Something happened with their schedule and unexpectedly they had to stay in Hong Kong a little longer before they would resume their world tour. 

You didn’t want Jiyong and the boys to stay in their room and alone for Christmas. You had called Daesung’s girl of moment and Seunghyn’s sister and shared your plan with them. Youngbae’s girl had already joined him a couple of days ago. You would make a little reception for your boys. After all, no one should be alone on Christmas Eve. With the girls, you prepared it all.

“Can you taste the punch? I’m scared that I didn’t put enough rhum” 

“I did taste it and it was perfect” you answered. “Seunghyun will add wine in his glass anyway, wait for it” 

She laughed, it was exactly like his brother to do that. 

“Oh, they’re coming. I’m so nervous” you told her.

In the plane for HongKong, you had decided to open up to Ji about your new feelings for him. Lately you had come to the conclusion that you were in love with him. What you thought was just a mere flirt at the beginning, soon turned out to be much more. It was love, with capital A. You had taken your time to analyse your feelings but it was kind of obvious.  You were just not accepting the fact before, even though you were facing all the proof. 

What is the first thing that comes to your mind in the morning? Jiyong.

Who do you want to hug when you feel the need to snuggle against someone? Ji.

Who’s hand do you want to hold, when you walk on the street or discover a new city? Yep! Jiyong again.

Who do you want to make love to, when you feel that need between your legs?

Who makes your heart skip a beat because of his cuteness?

Who makes you a horny mess when he smiles?

Who do you think will be the father of your children, when you imagine yourself nursing a baby?

 Ji, Ji and Ji. Always him. He was your soulmate and the guardian of your heart. You couldn’t imagine a moment without him in your life. You wanted more. You wanted to take all of him. You had no choice but to tell him, you were not able to keep it for yourself anyway. He had even questioned you about the recent changes in your attitude. Soon, you won’t be able to hide it anymore, you rather should tell him while you were still having control over yourself. You were really scared of his possible rejection though. It was petrifying. But the possibility that maybe he shared the love was stronger and it made you so happy to imagine what you could become together. How your friendship would transform into love. Into love making. Into a deeper relationship.

It was decided. You will confess tonight, in the hotel room after the party.  You’ll deal with the consequences later.

You were waiting for the boys in the suite that you had reserved. It was a simple room that the hotel rented for meetings or private events like tonight. Because it was Christmas, it was available and you didn’t have any trouble making a last minute reservation.

The door of the suite opened on Jiyong’s manager. He was aware of the little reception, you needed someone to drag the boys in. They entered the room one by one. You didn’t notice the happiness on their face when they discovered the 3 ladies waiting for them with food, alcohol and gifts, you were looking for Jiyong only. Unfortunately, he was nowhere to be found. Seunghun came and closed the door for more privacy, already having a glass of punch in hands.

“Wait, Ji has not arrived yet”.

His features went grave but his voice remained soft and calm. He seemed sad. He seemed to be pitying you too, his concerned eyes looking at you the same way you imagine he will be looking at his child when he’ll say “Santa Claus doesn’t exist for real”.

“He won’t be coming. He had other plans for tonight, something that popped up. I’m really sorry”

“Is he okay? Where is he?”

“This morning, he met a woman in the restaurant of the hotel. A cute damsel in distress. Well, one thing after another, it turned out that he invited her to the concert. And well… they left together, if you know what I mean”.

Your heart started to beat really fast. You didn’t like the turn of the conversation. Seunghyun’s sister covered her mouth with a hand, shocked, as she realized what her brother was telling you. It seemed that they knew about your feelings for Ji. Were you that obvious?

“Oooh… Maybe she can come here too” you said but it was absolutely not what you wanted.

“I guess they’re having sweet fucking sex” Dae laughed as he looked as his girlfriend, implying that it’s what he will have too, later!

“Woah… okay… okay”

You sat on the couch next to you and held your head. There is no way in hell that you will let your pain show in front of Jiyong’s friends.  But there was also no way you could stop the tears from falling down your cheeks. Without a word, you left the suite for the room that you rented, in case Ji would reject you. 

You were still crying, the next day when he had knocked on your door and entered your room, all excited and agitated like a puppy. More likely, like a man who hit the jackpot recently. He seemed so happy about the night he had spent, butterflies dancing in his stomach as he was telling you how cute she was. How he had spent the night of his life. How he couldn’t wait to see her again. He was so excited and centered towards his own happiness that he didn’t notice your red and bloody eyes.  

“Ji, don’t stay with me then. Go meet her right now! I guess she feels the same way and you’ll take it where you left it!”

“But you travelled all the way here and prepared such a sweet party for me and the boys! I saw the pictures, it seemed so much fun”. 

“Yah! I’d rather stay with your friends and mine, by the way, than staying a minute longer with you while you imagine yourself having sex with another woman”

“Another? It’s not like I had that many women either”

It was not the sense of your word ‘another’ but you didn’t precise it. The word had slipped your lips anyway.

“True, I’m sorry. Go, Ji! Live up for your dreams! Wout! Wout!”  you encourage him, fist up in the air with the biggest smile that you could to hide your sadness. Your eyes were your pain untold and you wish you would tell him everything.

“Sure, hun?”

“Yes, sure thing. We’re taking the plane tomorrow. If I don’t see you by then, here’s my new year kiss” you said, planting a smack on his cheek. You needed to kiss him and hold him, just for a second. To steal him from her and keep him for yourself only, a short instant.  

“Merry Christmas Ji. I love you so much” you whispered. Of course, he didn’t catch the extra meaning you had implied “And may the new year bring you only happy moments, you deserve it”.

“Aaaw, Merry Christmas my sweet girl. May the year bring you a man that will make you happy, for once. You were unlucky lately”.

You laughed ironically.

“Nah, I’ll be okay on my own for a while. Go now”. How could he have unnoticed that you were in pure agony? That your heart had been pierced with a thousand arrows? He was always so attentive normally. That was a good thing though, you prefer him to be happy with her than unhappy with you.

“Thanks, you’re the best friend ever, so understanding. I’ll tell you everything in detail later”.

“... Have fun”

He left in a hurry without a single look back and it broke what remained strong inside of you. You crumbled on the ground, unable to support your own body weight any longer. You never thought you could be rejected by him without having a single chance to say a word. You never thought you would be broken like that. You will need a lot of courage to be able to face him again. But also, it would be worse if he disappeared from your life. There was no perfect situation here, either way you were losing a part of yourself.

“That man is so fucking stupid” you heard Seunghyun tell his sister by the door Jiyong had left open a moment ago. . “How could he do that? Is he blind?"

You closed the door, you didn’t want to hear more.  You cried all day and night, curled up in the bed. You didn’t see Jiyong afterwards, while you were in Hong Kong. He didn’t come back from his cloud, therefore he didn’t come back to you. 

He had stayed in a relationship with her for a whole year. The exact time it took you to get over him. Or did you really?

Present day

You tiptoed your way to his bed and benched in front of him. His eyes were closed, he seemed to be asleep already. In his sleeping state, he was frowning, this was unusual.

He was not but he didn’t say a word, still mad and shocked. He didn’t know how to deal with it, his sudden desire for you. He couldn’t just say “let’s fuck” and then pretend like nothing happened afterward, your friendship was on the line. The only time that something happened between you, something sexual, there was a context. And you didn’t ‘really’ do something together anyway. How can’t he forget about it? How can’t he put it aside and move on? Why was he trying to relive this with his partners afterward? But of course, it was impossible, they were just not you. He realised it now! If it was not that good with them, it’s because they were simply not the good person. They were not you.

“Ji, are you okay?” he heard you ask with worry.

No answer. 

You placed a hand on his forehead to see if he had a fever. Satisfied by his body temperature, you retracted your hand with much concern. You knew him way too much to buy his sleeping state.

“Ji, I’m scared, you didn’t seem well tonight, you were really pale. I will sleep by your side to check on you, do you mind? Like we did before, when we checked on my niece. Okay? I can’t guarantee that I’ll be as good as you were though.”

No answer. 

He clearly didn’t want to talk to you. Or was he sick and had passed away? 

“If you don’t want to, it’s okay. I’ll squat the couch or the bed in the guest room. But the couch is more comfy. Would you prefer if I leave your house? The temperature is still bad outside but I don’t want you to be uncomfortable around me”

“Y/n, can you jump on the bed and shut the hell up so I can go back to sleep”? his tone was harsh.

Shocked, not sure how to take it, you did as he said and waited there, looking at the ceiling. You were cold but didn’t want to move or even less, to slide yourself under the comforter where he seemed so comfortable and warm. He was facing the other side and you could almost hear him thinking. The cat came in the bed and sat on his master’s pillow. Jiyong sighted, chased A-Ye and turned on his back. He didn’t say a word, didn’t look at you, didn’t move a single muscle afterwards.

It’s his sweet giggle that woke you up in the middle of the night. You had fallen asleep but obviously, he didn’t. From the lamp sitting on the bedside table emanated a warm and felted light. Jiyong was eating ramyeons while watching something on his cell. Confused, you sat up and rubbed your eyes.

“You seem better, it’s a relief”.

 “I just realised something. Remember the other day when I joked about your google research?”

“YAH! How many times do I have to tell you, I did NOT search for blowjobs instructions”.

“I know now!” he laughed.

What happened was that, about 2 months ago, you made a google research on your laptop while you were waiting for him at his studio. You had written “How to give a good head massage” but the research bubble showed everything but the important last word. The word that changed the meaning of the whole sentence.

He didn’t want to believe you even when you showed him the page with explicit pictures of the head massage popping from the screen. He thought that you had just opened it fast, to save the appearances. He had teased you for days with that, mocking you gently. 

“I told you that I wanted to use a new technique when I massage your head. You didn’t believe me”.

“Because I didn’t know you were massaging my head. Now, I get it”.

“Why didn’t you believe me?”.

“Why didn’t you massage my head when I’m awake?”

“I don’t know”

“I don’t know either”

Your eyes met and you both laughed out loud. You were happy to have your friend back, at least momentary. You still didn’t know what happened earlier.

“Will you stop mocking me with the blowjob thing, now?”.

“Yes, I already stopped when I noticed that you were mad for real… Sorry hun, I mocked you. I should have known better”.

“Excuses accepted. Now, let’s forget about it… please”.

He didn’t talk for a minute, you were both lost in your thoughts. You grabbed the chopsticks he was holding and swallowed a large portion of ramyeon, hungry.

“Ji”

“Hum?”

“Why were you mad at me tonight?”

“I was not mad at you at all, I was mad at myself”.

“Why though?”

“I’d rather not talk about it”.

“Okay then, but I’m here if you want to”.

“I know... Now go back to sleep and stop eating my ramyeons”.

“Nah, feed me more. I’m starving. AAAAAH” You opened your mouth for him to feed you one bite. He did and gave you his bowl and chopsticks without further discussion. He had decided to let you eat it all anyway. 

“Here, take it” 

“Mmmm, it’s delicious. Thanks Ji” 

He looked at you closing your eyes to savor the noodles, not a single bit conscious that it would break him. He was so naive. When he heard the little moan that escaped your lips after you took a bite, he remembered everything you had said when you were talking about the ‘not blowjob’ research.

“You know, I talk with my partners, it’s their ‘instructions’ that I follow, not general tips made for a general audience on the internet. I adjust with their reactions too. Nobody loves it the exact same way”.

“Ji, for god’s sake! I told you that yes, I searched for that a long time ago, when I was young. From that, I improved my technique and I didn’t feel the need to search again. I wouldn’t be shy to tell you if I would REALLY have searched for it”.

and later that night...

“Please don’t believe that I’m a pro either, I’m not that good! It’s just that I really didn’t search. You know what, now that I think about it, I should search for it. We never know, maybe I could still improve” with a blink. 

Eating your ramyeons with appetite, you were unaware of the thoughts spinning in his head. You didn’t know that your relation was about to take a complete new turn. That the image he had in his mind right was nothing but pure. You were also really naive.

2 years ago or the ocean event

Jiyong had decided to bring you to Hawaii like this, on the spur of the moment and for no actual good reason. Dae and his current conquest joined your improvised journey and the four of you had flight to the paradisiac island for a whole week of pure bliss. 

You closed the door of your room and went down to meet Ji. He texted you that he was already down there, ready for the beach like you had planned before you split last night after you took a walk in the streets with the natives. 

“Hun, were you able to sleep last night?'' he asked, rubbing his beautiful sleepy eyes when you met in the lobby. You walked outside and sat on a bench near the entrance to apply the sunscreen he handed you. Of course, he knew that you would have forgotten yours.

“Nope, there were people banging in the wall and screaming like if they were in distress or something. Did you hear that? Why did she have to yell like that? I would have shove my dick in her mouth if I was her partner, at least she would have shut the fuck up. It was so fake!”

“Woah! You’re violent! Good thing that you don’t have a dick.  Don’t judge, you were not there. It’s just her way of expressing her pleasure, chill hun! No one is hurt”.

“Her pleasure? For 4 hours straight like that, no change in the pace! Come on Ji, you know better! She yelled all night long, how could that even be possible? No rupture in the tempo… No break, no slowing down, no changes in the play, nothing. It was fake, I’m telling you.  Maybe they were filming porn…”

He laughed, you continued.

“In a way or another, she was annoying. But the bitch got fucked and not me. I guess that’s the reason why I’m so pissed” you added. Seeing his eyes widened, you smiled.

“What? I have needs too”

“I don’t want to know” he giggled, placing his hands over his ears. At this moment, Daesung arrived and sat between you and Ji. Looking at one after the other, seemingly in shock.

“Did you hear it?”

“We did” you answered, ready to complain with him.

“It was sooo hot, right? Woah! It gave me and Shirl a lot of audio stimulations. It was nice, we kind of followed their rhythm.” he seemed shocked but pleased at the same time. Without another word, he stood up and left abruptly. You watched him leave in silence.

“Ji, I hate all the couples in the world. All of them”.

“Someone is not in a good mood today. When is the last time you got laid, I can’t pinpoint it”

“Because I never tell you when I do, we don’t talk about stuff like that… but it was a long time. Maybe last year or something”

You were in a relationship with a beautiful man when you had realised that you were in love with Jiyong last year. You were still trying to forget Jiyong, compelling yourself to stop loving him. It was impossible.

“Damn… it’s been a long time. So, your last boyfriend then”.

“Yep… I won’t ask you since you were in a relationship till recently”

“True, she was the last one. 2 months is long... Wait, where are you going???”

“I’m going to calm my hormones in the ocean. I’m suddenly horny and need a distraction. Hopefully the water will be cold enough”

“I’ll go with you, I need it too”

You entered the water running and laughing like kids. You felt light, like there was nothing going wrong in your life or in the entire world. You felt detached from reality but in a good way. The flowing of the tide was languorous, the ocean was forging its own sea-song.  The freshness of the water was invigorating. For at least an hour, you and Jiyong had bickered and played around, alone in your own little universe. You threw water at each other’s face, tried to immerse the other into the water, tried to surf on a cheap plastic plank that was abandoned on the shore, falling on each attempt and laughing like you didn’t have the chance to, lately. The only time you were out of the water was to take a sip of your drink that Daesung was keeping safe for you while sunbathing with Shirlee. It wasn’t quite a good idea to drink that much alcohol when horny … not a good idea at all. 

“Y/n… It didn’t work!” Jiyong said sheepishly.

“I mean it’s water,  it’s slippery… How could it worked” you answered, knowing exactly what he meant. 

“Water turns you on?”

“Damn… not the water itself. But a wet body against another wet body… I mean… Oh, shit! I didn’t mean that you turned me on, it’s not like that. It just reminded me of, you know… things I did in the past” 

It was a big fat lie. You never had sex in the water. But you won’t tell him that his hot and wet skin against yours made you even more needy than you were before. That the water dripping from his bang was sexy. That his muscular arms, shoulders and those damn abs were giving you bad thoughts. You couldn’t tell him anything like that.

“What are we gonna do about it?”

“I won’t do anything, what do you mean?”

“Well… maybe if we turn our back on each other, we can, you know… relieve ourselves. Together, doing our own little things but not... ”

“I got it Ji, no need to say more…”

Was it alcohol? The burning sun? His cute and so sexy smirk? For a moment, you played with the idea. Jiyong had reserved the most private resort he could find in the country and the beach was almost empty. You could see some people away but no one close enough to see anything that you were doing on the beach even less in the water. Some staff members were walking around, doing their own little things. No one cared about what you were doing. Beside, the water was deep blue and it was impossible to see through it.  You could easily jerk yourself off under the depth water and no one would notice.

“But if we turn around, Daesung will get suspicious, he will think we fight and start asking questions. He’s watching over us, you know”.

“Yes… But I can’t get out of the water hun, my cock refused to calm down”.

“You have a big problem, man. I’m so sorry for you” you mocked.

“You’re not helping at all” he was almost annoyed. You understood how he felt, after all, you were horny too. You were both adults, there must be a solution. After all, he proposed something interesting.

“Ji, you know, your hands are in the water right now and I see nothing. Go a little deeper, we won’t notice your arms and shoulders. Turn the other way around, that way you won’t see me while you… you know. I won’t see anything for sure. Don’t worry. Do what you have to do, I won’t look”

“Are you serious? What about you?”

“I’ll be just fine, no worry. I can wait for when I’m in my room”.

“Sure? Ok, you’re amazing!” he smiled widely.

You didn’t know it but as soon as he turned around, he was not so into it anymore. Maybe it was the thought of doing it with someone that was so exciting. A cute and stunning lady… so sexy in her bikini.

You had turned around to let him do his thing but horny you were too. Not to mention, Jiyong, the man you loved in silence for a complete year was about to stroke himself right now, you won’t miss it so you swan towards him. He was in a deep zone, but still able to touch the ground unlike you. You arrived from behind and hugged him tightly, your arms snaked around his neck, your knees keeping balance on each side of his hips, carefully not circling him.

“Is it good?” you murmured.

“What are you doing?”

“Joining the party” You didn’t know, but there was no party so far. His penis had even softened back to its almost normal size.

“Ooooh….”

Where Jiyong was standing you couldn’t reach the bottom, the water level reached your mouth, you tried and you choke on the salted water. You had to keep a hand on him.

“Hun, stay where you are, let’s do it together, but not together. Is it okay with you?”

“Oh Jiiii… I’ve already started” you purred.

“But you’re holding me…”

“Yes, I’m holding you. I won’t drown for an orgasm”.

“Fair enough… I shall get going too, then”

He was clearly not as cocky as he was 2 minutes ago. You figured that you surprised him with your initiative.

“If you prefer, I’ll leave you alone, no worry”.

“You know, I have a voyeur side inside of me, I love this idea too much to let you go”

“Good, cause I’m a tiny bit of an exhibisionnist… well, a big bit finally” you cutely added, knowing it was not an actual word.

He smiled and looked at you above his shoulder, shocked but excited to discover that spicy side of yours.

“Perfect match then” he stated.

“Turn your face around, put your hand on your dick and stroke yourself… let me do my thing…” you palmed his neck and guided his face the other way around so he would be looking at the ocean instead at you, holding onto his back like a baby koala.

“Lord, help me cause I’m a sinner”

He attentively tried to catch a hint on what was happening on his back. You were holding onto his shoulder with one hand and he didn’t see anything, didn’t feel anything. You were cautious not to make any wave. He wanted more visuals, not that he needed it. Just to add some zest to the experience.

“Are you doing it?” The tone of his voice, his signature soft voice, was the most comforting and exciting thing at the same time. He had the cutest and the sexiest tone ever.

“Ji, shut the fuck up”, you said a little short of breathe. So, you had started, he thought.

“Come on, give me something, love. Are you really masturbating?”

You stopped and this is when he noticed the difference of motion in his back, the difference of pressure your knees applied on his hips in order to stay still despite the waves. Suddenly, it was quieter, this is how he knew that indeed, you were doing it subtly.

“You want me to leave you alone?”

He turned around abruptly. Now facing you, the lust in his dark chocolate eyes was sparkling. A sight that you imagined so often, lightning up his beautiful features for your eyes only to see. Not to mention the sunlight gently caressing his skin. His eyes half closed because of the sun. His damped messy hair carelessly falling on his forehead and temples. This vision itself was enough for your heart to melt and your core to liquefy.

“Y/n, I don’t want you to leave. It’s just that I didn’t know if you were doing it for real, I want, I don’t know… I would like...”

“Don’t hold back, tell me exactly what you want, cause I’m horny here and I need to do something about it” you told him as you touched your thigh, a soft caress along your skin, looking straight into his eyes. You didn’t begin but you knew that the moment to come will be pure. Unselfish. Undemanding. Free.

He looked at the movement of your shoulder, he couldn’t see below that level. He wished he had chosen a turquoise and clear sea to be able to see everything that was happening under.

“I’m not sure of what I can ask in this kind of situation”

“Just if you still really want to, think of us as partners in crime.  We’re 2 needy adults that consent to masturbate side by side. We won’t touch each other, just be together while we’re both having fun with ourselves like you just suggested. Let’s say that everything that happens in the ocean, stays here in the ocean. We won’t remember it once we reach the shore and we’ll never talk about it anymore. Deal?”

“You’re wonderful. Deal”

“Now… close your eyes and touch yourself”.

Strangely, you were not uncomfortable with the situation. You knew that no matter what happened, you would be safe and respected. He would never mock you or judge you. You were free to be and act in complete harmony with your desires, without holding anything back. It was the perfect foundation for a meaningful dirty play. In that moment, your chemistry became an ever-bright flame.

He moved his hand down but refused to look anywhere but straight to your eyes. He never saw that luxurious expression on your face, never heard that carnal voice, almost too low to be heard. He needed to hear you moan. Were you the type to hold back because too shy to be heard? He doubts that, now. He wonders if you were more of a high-pitched sounds or a guttural moaner. Suddenly, it was the most important question to be answered.

“What are you doing?” This is when the now ‘face to face’ thing became more interactive. His piercing gaze was on you, it’s you that he was looking at, no one else. 

You smirked. He wanted to play that game, well you were hell of a player!

“You wanna know how I touch myself?” your voice was a low murmur, it sent shivers down his spine.

“Yes, tell me…” he gulped, unable to guess what was ‘really’ happening under the blue sea. How do you like to be caressed? What makes you cum?

“Right now, I’m taking it really slow and superficial…”

You paused to breathe. For obvious reasons, the oxygen demand in your cells has increased with all the symptoms that comes with it: fast heartbeat, short breath, your senses on red alert. 

 “I’m too excited, the second I touch my clit or slide a finger in, I will cum. I love that you’re asking me. It’s fucking hot” you miraculously were able to say.

“Your answer is hotter, believe me. You look really beautiful like that… So sexy…  tell me in detail everything that you’re doing”.

“I’m pinching my clit, I need to calm down... now squeezing it between my palms, it’s good” you moan softly. After a moment you shivered and it seemed that you stopped touching yourself, taking your hand out of the water to show him. 

“You were about to cum?” he smirked

“Fuck yes”.

“You love to touch yourself with me? You love that I look at you pleasuring yourself?”

You nodded, nothing else needed to be said. He grabbed your free hand, your right one, and nibbled every single fingertips, sucking gently. 

“It doesn’t taste anything but salt, damn it!”

His longing eyes never left yours. Just that, him desiring you, dirty talking to you, was sending you over the moon. He gently guided your hand in front of your core and his came back where it was: on your hip.

 “Jiii… now, I’m scratching it all with my nails, it hurts and it’s fun at the same time… ”

“YOU WHAT? Woah! You love when it’s painful?” he exclaimed, shocked. You were not exactly how he imagined you would be, sexually speaking. To be honest, he thought you were a sweet vanilla girl, one that prefers convenient sex more. That frosted side that he was discovering, pleased him a lot. 

“I love it when it hurts a little bit… I love when it burns… I love when it’s sucked hard. What are you doing?” you breathe slowly between each affirmation.

“Looking at you only, at the moment… I think I will cum in my pants just like that! Hands free orgasm! I bet your clit is swollen right now...”

“Let me see… oooh yes... It’s really sensitive. I’m tracing small lines up and down, it feels good. I won’t last long… I let my nail trails his way up… omph”

Your clit was indeed overflowing with blood. Knowing that Jiyong was watching made you more sensitive than you ever was before. Now that it has started, there was no way out of the game. You couldn't move away from his gaze even if you tried, like he’s eyes have short circuited your mind in the best possible way.

“So beautiful... Do you imagine your fingers to be someone else?”

“Nah! I’m right here with you, it’s already really arousing”

Of course, you won’t tell him that it’s his fingers that you imagine as you rubbed smooth circles across your clit. 

“Ji… It’s good… Now, I slide 3 fingers in… it’s so good… Jiii… I’m gonna cum… Oh lord… I knew I wouldn’t last” 

“I can see it… I feel your hips love… I bet you’re thrusting to meet your fingers, right? … you’re so hot”

You closed your eyes as you locked your hips against your hand, hitting your spot right away. With Jiyong’s obvious enjoyment, the ultimate pleasure hit you. You quivered erratically and in the process you pressed yourself against him.  His wet and slippery chest against yours was enough material for your next 5000 lonely nights. When your mouth founded his shoulder, you sank your teeth onto the trapeze muscle and took a big bite of him. You needed it to suppress your moans. He continued to encourage you, despite the pain.

“Don’t stop now, I’m sure you can surf on it a little longer… that’s it love… Softs movements this time, give yourself some tenderness, my wild flower… softer with your teeth too, please” he asked, cutely and you released some pressure on your teeth but kept your mouth there. “That’s it, moan for me… you make the hottest sounds I’ve ever heard”.

He was right, the orgasm lasted for a little while. Jiyong was holding you firmly against him, his head tilted against yours as he whispered sweet dirty words.You stopped the motion of your hand and stayed like that, holding onto him tightly. Pressing your whole self against his perfectly sculpted body. His soft skin. His melodic speaking voice. You needed time to calm your breath and heartbeat.  It was a one shot deal, you decided that you will take the best out of it for the time it lasts. Therefore, you snaked your arms around his neck, cautious not to touch his middle where his length was probably throbbing. The thought of it made you almost cum again, it certainly didn’t calm the fire that was still burning. Exhausted and feeling really brave, you’ll deal with the consequences later, your nose found the crook of his neck and you nuzzled against his watered and sun warmed skin, drops falling down on both of you from his damped and sexy hair. This intimate and loving contact was risky for your heart but his neck was so prettily offered, you couldn’t resist. It was hard not to nibble onto him. To kiss him. To taste him. To tell him that you love him.

You breathed slowly in his warmth for a moment, your body still trembling softly from the powerful orgasm you just had but mostly because of the proximity with him. The sensation of his strong arm holding your laps against his side while the other rested on the curve of your back, it was overwhelming.

“Your turn, now!” he needed his relief too, you hoped that you will be as hot for him as he was for you.

“Yes love, but can I do something first? You don’t have to say yes. I would like...”

“Don’t ask my permission, it’s our moment and I doubt that you want to do something that will harm me. Just do it”

He smirked, a fucking smirk that would have put you on your knees. A smirk that was never directed to you before. His hungry eyes were half closed but his gaze remained sharp. He was perfect. You felt his hands slide under your arms and played with the bikini top on your back.

“I want to feel you against me, may I?”

“Help yourself” you smiled, letting him play with the fabric of your top. It was so tiny, his fingers were gracing your skin and just that little contact was electrifying.

“What’s going on Ji? Is there a problem?” You teased as you joined your hands on the back of his neck, forearms on his shoulders. 

“Hun, where is the tie?” 

It was your turn to smirk. He frowned, scrutinizing your face. You were preparing something, it was obvious. 

“Remember my bikini? The knot under my boobs is what you’re looking for”.

“Oh my god! Like a bow on a gift! Isn’t easy to pull on a string and strip your boobs naked”

“Han, han!” you purred, with a tone that implied that you didn’t mind the strip tease. You teasingly stroked his calf with your foot. “So, what are you gonna do about it? If you want to feel my chest against yours, you know what you have to do”, you said, defying him.

“Are you challenging me?” he asked as his hands found your neck. His thumb traced a line down your throat and went lower to the swell of your breast. A soft and light caress, almost too soft to be felt. He wanted to tease you too, you were way too cocky and he needed to show you how he too, could be in control.

“Who’s challenging who now? You’d like me to pinch those nipples, right? To rub them between my fingers”

He said as he brought both hands in front of your boobs as if he wanted to grab them. But he never touched you. He stayed close enough for you to feel his warmth, feel a little contact here and there throughout the thin fabric, but never touching you for real.

“I’m sure you have a sensitive breast and that you are screaming from the inside right now. You would like to be touched so badly. Am I right?”

“...” excited at the idea, you could do nothing but grasp.

“Answer me, love”

“Yes, I would love your hands on my breast” you gulped.

“Well, too bad, you set the no touching rule” he winked “But I’ll free them and you’ll soon feel me, don’t worry”. It was ‘his turn’ and yet, you felt the center of the attention. The tables had to turn. 

His fingers slid down your breastbone, caressing your skin. There, he was touching you for real and it put you on fire again. He knew what he was doing, he noticed your shivers. When he found the bow, tied just under the swelling of your breasts, he had fun with the fabric before tearing the cords apart. Very slowly he pushed your bikini top to the side, his eyes on yours.

“So sensitive”

“Remember Ji, it’s no touching and no looking.” 

“You’ll be the end of me, you little brat”

He wasted no more time. With one hand, he grabbed you by the hip and dragged you closer. He turned his feet to the side to move his pelvis away from you and surrendered completely to what was to follow.

“Can I guide you?” You asked timidly.

“Yes, I’ve never tried that… Go ahead, be my hand”.

It was true. He had met willing women before but never playful the way you were. You were a mixture of sexy, dominant, cute and submissive. You loved it rough too, it seemed, even though what you were doing was quite soft. A perfect match for him.

“You’ll do exactly what I tell you to do. Okay?”

“Of course”

“Good… Let’s go… are you touching yourself right now?”

He showed you his free hand, the one not holding you.

“Let’s switch hands. I want you to hold your dick with your left…”

“YAH! Why my left? It’s not the good hand” he interrupted

“Oh, I know that” you winked “Go, now. Good!”

He sulked in annoyance but was ready to follow your lead nevertheless so he had switched arms. His right one was holding you against him, on that he won’t compromise.

“Very good Ji, let’s run your thumb on the tip slowly. Is it good?”

“Don’t apply much pressure on your shaft, keep your hand loose around it. We’re taking it slow!”

“I feel so vulnerable and so powerful at the same time, it’s ecstatic… I want more, give me more”

“ Shhhhh, one thing at the time. Don’t go too hard on it ok, gentle touch. Grab the skin between your penis and balls. Squeeze gently. Use your fingertips, it’s good, I see you love it. Palm it gently while your fingers tickle your balls… good… your face is telling me that we are doing a good job” he had closed his eyes shut. His breathing increased already.

“I need more”

“You’ll have more, shut it. Don’t hold your moans back though, ok? I want to hear your pleasure. Not too loud… that’s it, in my ear”.

“Baby can I stroke myself?”

“No, you can’t! Let go of me, I’ll stay in place no worry, look I’m rubbing myself against you… Good… Put your penis between your palms and roll your hands in opposite directions. If you like when it hurts, put more pressure, roll… roll… roll…” 

His face twisted in pleasure, moans slipping from his lips.

“Never done that to my dick, it feels good. Is this how you give a handjob?”

“I might do it, yes”

“mmmm, it feels so good baby… aaah”

You let him proceed and before you noticed a sign of impatience, you continued.

“Now, if you’ve never touched yourself like that, or never been touched like that, it might seem surprising. But obey, it will be good”

Curious, he opened his eyes and looked at you smirking.

“Okay…”

“Take your glands between your thumb and index and squeeze very geltly. Apply this pressure all around the circumference. Don’t brush your fingers together, it will hurt. Just put pressure. Squeeze... Are you there? Keep your fingers smooth but be firm on the grip. Press firmly.”

“It feels so good… aaah”

 “Apply as much pressure as you can take. It has to be a little painful, but just a little Ji, we want it to be fun”.

The only sounds slipping from his lips were soft moans. He seemed to enjoy the touch. Maybe you surprised him. You hope you did.

“Open your eyes Ji. I want you to know that it’s with me that you are jerking off with. Keep those eyes on me”.

“Of course it’s you… you’re the only one here with me”

“I certainly hope so. Now, circle the base of your cock with your thumb and one finger, only one. Don’t put too much pressure. Are you doing it?”

“Yes…”

“Move your hips back-and-forth. Fuck your own hand slowly, gently… Good job! It’s increasing, isn't it?”

“Yes, I could cum like that”

“Then loosen your fingers, loosen it right now!”

“I fucking hate you”  he was frustrated but he obeyed nevertheless.

“I know you do, I know… I’m so mean when you were so good for me” you took your sweetest voice, your innocent voice. One that he didn’t know you had.

“Keep your fingers loose and pump now, real slow. How does it feel?

“Way too good… but it’s not my hand”

“Ooooh, may I ask?”

“Yours” he said, looking straight into your eyes, waiting for your reaction. You blush, shy.

“Does my hand feel good, around your cock?” you were already back to the play.

“It feels better than mine...” he murmured. 

“Amazing, now, put more pressure around your cock and go just a little faster with those hips. Fuck yourself in my hand”

He moaned, sweet sounds falling from his lips. You pressed yourself against him, your hard nipples caressing him as you both breathed in and out slowly.

“You love it, when I guide you?” you whispered in his ear.

“mmm” he moaned

“Use your words”

His eyes started to roll back, aroused. It was beautiful to witness.  He was weak on his legs, holding still with a solid grip on your hip. 

“I love when you guide me”.

“I can see that you do. Let go of your cock and play with your balls a bit. Squeeze them. Feel their weight”

“Jesus Christ… I was about to cum

“Oh, I know” you teased murmured in his ear. “But I’m not ready to let you  just yet. Are you playing with your balls?”

 “Hum, hum...I never loved to play with my own balls before today…”

“Can you use both hands? Yes? okay. Grab your cock with your fist and stroke not so gently while the other hand squeeze your balls… good, you’re doing good… Stroke again slowly but with a strong grip. Ji, slow down, I see you are cheating. Good… Twist your shaft when you come up, slowly, does it feel good?” His grin told you that he really enjoyed it.

“Yes…. ah… Y/n,  you’re evilish”

His sweet sounds, his voice that you always found so soothing, was now turning you on, it lit a fire between your legs. Again.

“Faster baby, faster…. Now stop”

“What? No…I can’t stop” he continued to stroke, you could tell by the movement of his shoulder.

“No?” 

“Y/n… I’m… aaaah… Argh” he could barely stay on his feet while he ejaculated in a violent burst, screaming your name out loud.

“ARE YOU GUYS OKAY”? You heard Daesung asked from the beach.

“DON’T WORRY DAE, HE WALKED ON A SHELL” you answered, your eyes on Ji. 

The sight of him as he reached his orgasm was the definition of beauty and hotness. He was perfect and so was the moment. His head tilted to the side and his mouth twisted open, he was in a blissful agony.

“aaah… aaaah”

“Don’t you dare stop moving your hand, you have more juices, I’m sure of it. Feel me against you, imagine it’s my hand, mouth, core… Whatever you prefer but keep going. I want you to empty that load… Stroke yourself… continue”

One last softer moan, a great final thrill and he was done. You felt his whole body relax against yours and his face fell on your shoulder, panting. He kissed it gently as soon as his lips landed on your skin. He was breathing heavily in your ear, the most endearing melody of them all. Combined with the murmur of the waves, it couldn’t be more perfect.

You were not sure if your heart would survive this. Not sure at all that you will be okay with him, having a girlfriend later, now that you know how he sounds like when he was having sex. How he feels. How he looks. How playful he was. You don’t think that you will be able to breathe, imagining him with another woman. Making love to her… No, you don’t have the right to think like that… You were just a lost case.

You moved away from him and gave him your most reassuring smile. He cannot know what’s got into your mind right now. That suddenly, instead of letting go of him, you would do the exact contrary. You would snuggle yourself against him and stay there forever and ever, in the comfort of his arms. 

“Thank you, it was… I have no words. And we didn’t even touch!”

“I know, right?” 

“Will you be okay with it? At home, I mean”.

“Absolutely” you lied “You?”

“Okay, good then. Good. Me too.” He showed no signs that it could be otherwise.

Both amazed by what just happened, you walk away from each other. Reality was hitting you both and you didn’t seem to want that moment to end. Neither of you. But you had to go back to your reality now.

You wanted to fix your bikini top but he stopped you, grabbing your hand between his, keeping them against his chest.

“Let me do it, hun. With the non touching thing and in the middle of the ocean, the aftercare are limited. At least, let me put it back in place for you”.

You nodded, he continued.

“You’re okay? Are you always that rough with yourself?” he asked as you placed the triangle back in place, this you won’t let him do. You felt no judgement in his tone though, just curiosity.

“I was not rough today, Ji. I even showed you my vanilla side”.

“What we did was soft, I agree. But the way you caress yourself, and me indirectly, it was not the softest touch. I didn’t know you had that in you. It was nice, I loved it”.

“Agreed, it was really nice”.

He tied the knot back in place between your boobs. After one look to approve his doing, he declared that you were all good to get out of the tub.

“Do you regret it?”

“I don’t. You?”

“Nope”

“What happened in the water stays in the water?”

“Absolutely. Let’s forget it ever happened even though it will be rough”.

 You swam towards the shore gently, side by side, as if nothing sexual ever happened. 

“Do I have a mark on my shoulder”.

“Oooh, that? Oopsie” you answered cutely. 

“You think you’re a shark or something? Jesus, it will hurt for days”

“I’m sorry but not sorry at the same time, it’s hard to explain” you teased.

“You little brat”

“Am I?” You shrugged  “But how are you gonna hide it from Dae?”

“I won’t, I’ll say that I’ve been bitten by a fish. Even better! I’ll say that mama shark bite me”

You both laughed and you realised that he had swam behind you. Snaking his arms around your waist, he said 

“Thanks Y/n, seriously. I won’t talk about it, it’s the deal. But it will be really hard to forget”

“Agreed. Thanks to you too, it wouldn’t have been that magical without you”.

Even though you didn’t really touch each other, you felt connected to him in the most beautiful and voluptuous way. A bittersweet feeling invaded you. You didn’t regret what happened but you wish you could have more of him. All of him. His love, for example. 

Before you parted, the aching to be in his arms began anew.

Present day

When you opened your eyes later that morning, you were laid under his comforter. For some reason, at the end of the night you were agitated in your sleep and couldn’t rest comfortably.  It gave you a weird feeling of anxiety. Was it because you were in Jiyong’s bed? In 5 years of friendship, the only time that you found yourself here was when your niece got sick. More likely, pretended to be dying from a runny nose just to be taken care of by the man of her dreams, the one and only Jiyong oppa, as she called him so cutely. Jiyong was so endearing to watch as he rubbed camphre on her back with caring hands. He was taking care of the sick little princess as if she was really dying. It was touching and cute and adorable. It’s probably then that you realised that he was the man you loved. Damn, it was already 3 years ago, how can time fly that fast?

“What makes you smile like that” his voice was sleepy and soft. So soothing and familiar that you calmed down a bit. At least, felt less out of place.

“I just remembered when the little princess slept here, between us. She used all sorts of tricks to get you to take care of her. Damn, I should learn from her, she can get what she wants just clicking her little chubby fingers. She mastered the art” you joked.

“Aaaw! She was so sweet. It was fun to take care of her with you. I felt like I was a king”

You burst out laughing. 

 “Duh! I couldn’t take care of her, she only wanted you. Jiyong oppa here, Jiyong oppa there”.

You turned to face him, holding your head in your hand. It seemed that he was awake for a little while, he had filled an entire notebook with lyrics, drawings and song ideas.

“You couldn’t sleep”? you asked, reaching out to pull back a strand of hair that was falling before his eyes. 

“Nope, you snore too much,” he joked as he felt one finger grazing his skin. How could such a simple contact could feel so good? Because it was you, probably.

You knew he was teasing you. For some reasons, you felt the need to get closer to him. To cuddle up with him. To show him that whatever happened last night, you were there, by his side. But not knowing how he would react, you restrained yourself from doing it.

“Jiyong, can you believe that in 5 years, it’s the second time that I sleep in your bed? It’s so comfy, we should be doing it more often”

“You… you want to sleep in my bed?”

“Relax loverboy, I said it like that. I just realised that whenever I sleep here, it’s always on the couch… I didn’t mean anything. Anyway. I’ll get going, I have to work in the afternoon”. 

“Already? Normally you stay a little longer. Can you stay a little longer?”

“What’s gotten into you? Last night you didn’t talk to me. This morning I want to let you have your space and you want me to stay. I’m not following, Ji”.

“Well, I really want you to stay. I need to clear up my mind. I need to…” he stopped when your body crashed against his. His hands came to rest on your back, his nose on the top of your head. You felt so good against him with your scent invading him, it was endearing. He knew your intention was to comfort him. He knew you were just worried, thinking that something bad was going on. Maybe that was it, after all. Maybe it will soon be the end of your friendship because of his stupid ass. 

“I’ll stay like that for 5 minutes, then I’ll leave. I really need to get going, I have some shopping to do before my shift. If you want to talk, I’m here. Otherwise, I’ll just listen to your heartbeat and relax before the day starts. You’re so comfy, Ji.” 

You snuggled closer against him. His delicate smell was so familiar and appealing at the same time. You didn’t know where to place your hands, though. Hugging was not a habit of yours. Even less hugging in bed like that. In what situation did he put himself, he wondered. 

“I might have a question… Do you remember what happened in Jeju Island last year? Do you remember the kiss that we shared?”

You froze. You didn’t see it coming at all. Why asking you this after all this time? You coughed, sign that you were uncomfortable. Clearly, you knew what he was talking about. And your little cough won’t be unnoticed or misinterpreted by his sharp ass. He continued.

“Do you think about it, sometimes?”

“No, why would I?” you giggled, nervously. There was nothing funny with his question. “Sorry Ji, I didn’t mean to laugh, it’s not funny. You caught me by surprise”

“I do, think about it… From time to time, I do. Lately, I think about it even more often”

You moved away from him and laid on your back. You shouldn’t have come in his bed last night. You had crossed a line and it could be misinterpreted by him. What have you done?

“Why, though?" 

“Do I need a reason to remember good memories? You know, it was not a simple peck, it was so passionate and emotional. I’ve never been kissed like that before or after. Of course, I will think about it”.

“Well, yes, I do think about it too, indeed”.

Your eyes met his. He seemed sad, desperate and shocked. Something was happening in his life and he needed to remember comforting moments, you thought. Maybe he felt that raw and pure love that you had for him, when you kissed. 

“You loved it?”

“What’s that question? Ji, you’re making me feel uncomfortable. You were there, do I really have to tell you how I felt? Didn’t you feel me? See me? I have nothing to add.”

“Don’t be mad at me, please. I was just… I don’t know. But please, I beg you, don’t be mad at me today”.

“I’m not mad, I just don’t want to think about it, it won’t do any good. Listen, I have to go. I forgot that I have to give a lift to a coworker”.

“You’re running away from me” he said, grabbing your side to keep you from standing up.

“Yes. I am, I admit”.

“Please don’t leave me like that”

“Ji, I will be back, I’m not cutting ties with you. I just need to work. And when we meet again, I don’t want you to remember that kiss… or talk about it”.

“Then, what about the other thing we did, in the ocean?”

“Ji, stop. I don’t want to remember any of it….”

“Why? Do you regret what we did?” he wondered.

You tried to escape the bed but he dragged you closer to him instead. He captured you in his arms and kept you there. You still felt safe and you knew that he would let go of you the second you ask for it. Despite, you didn’t move back. 

“I promise I won’t talk about any of it… But, please. Can I please hug you a little longer. I need to… I just need it”.

He was so emotionally raw that you couldn’t refuse. After all, you will never be able to escape Jiyong for good, will never have the wish to do so anyway. You relaxed in his arms and gently leaned your head on the same pillow as him. He felt all the muscles of your body relax at the same time and you melted in his arms, cute little spoon that you were. Finally, you had let go.

“I lied. Not only do I want to talk about it, I also want to do it again. I want to do it all the time” he said. But it’s your cute little snore that answered on your behalf. You had fallen asleep, in the security of his arms.

“You chose your moment to fall asleep, you little brat” he laughed. 

It was a good thing that you didn’t hear it. It won’t risk your friendship for a dirty play. He couldn’t lose you, you were too important for him. He won’t let that happen. With a kiss on your head, he pressed his legs against the back of yours. Then, he abandoned himself to sleep, too.

Last year, sharing one hot kiss.

With a bunch of friends, you had rented a few condos units in Jeju Island to celebrate Jiyong’s birthday. He had a girlfriend at that time but it’s during this week-end that she had decided to break up with him, telling him that he was “too much to handle” for her liking.

What was supposed to be a fun week-end, turned out to be a blast for everybody except for Jiyong and you. How were you supposed to be happy when your best friend was crying alone outside in the dark.

“Leave me alone, Y/n. I just need some time”.

“I know, don’t worry, I only brought you a blanket, it’s frisky tonight!”

He noticed that indeed, you had laid a big comfy blanket on his shoulders. You knew better than him! He was cold and didn’t even notice. He sighed, heavy.

“See? I didn’t realise that it was cold. How can I notice that she was unhappy with me when I can’t even notice when the temperature drops”

“Ji, I know it hurts, believe me, I know…”

“Duh! As far as I know, you’ve always been the one to leave.Have you ever been dumped?”

“No, I haven’t but I know how a one side love feels like”.

“You never told me that you were in love with someone that doesn’t love you back…” 

He was talking very slowly, struggling with his pronunciation. He probably won’t remember any of it tomorrow.

“I don’t tell you every single thing that happened to me. Listen, I’ll leave you alone. Text me if you need me, I’ll be here in a second”.

“Nah, stay here and share that bottle of vodka with me”.

He had caught sight of the bottle you were holding with one hand. Sitting by his side, you had handed him the precious liquid. He took a long sip, making an appreciation sound when he was done.

“Aaaah! Thanks, hun. The lost cause is happy”.

Judging by his speech and his general condition, it was far from his first consommation tonight. He was wasted. Once again, you stayed silent. You knew he was having an emotional breakdown right now, you’ve been there yourself. He was so in love with that model and he didn’t see it coming at all, of course he was broken. It was breaking your heart to see him that sad.

“You must be happy, right? You never loved her!”

“You think I’m happy when I can feel your sadness with every cell of my body?”

“You heard me”

“Jiyong, don’t go there. We’ll fight and I don’t want to fight with you”.

“Pfff. I know what you are thinking”.

“You don’t know, stop being like that”.

“Or what?” 

“Or nothing. Just stop. I explained myself many times before. You know why I never loved her. But she seemed to make you happy so I was making great efforts not to get in your way”.

“Ooooh, is this why I didn’t see you the last month or so?”

“Damn, didn't you realize that I had been discreet so as not to harm your relationship with the asshole”?

“I told you, I’m too stupid to realise what’s under my nose. She is right, I didn’t take good care of her”.

“Okay, Ji, that’s enough. She was a manipulative woman, she was using you to boost her own career. You did everything to please her and yet she asked for more. I told you all that before but you didn’t believe me. Next time, trust my intuition. I’m never wrong”.

“I thought you were jealous”.

“I wasn’t jealous. I was mad because she was treating you badly and you refused to see it. But yes, you’re right too. I was jealous… I got to see you less because of her and it hurt. You didn’t even notice that I disappeared from your life, it pissed me not gonna lie”.

“Oh no! Shit. I’m gonna throw up”.

He did throw up for almost 30 minutes outside in the parking lot and even after, when he laid in bed. You couldn’t let him in that state, scared that he might vomit in his sleep and choke on it. That night, you didn’t close your eyes, looking out for him. Wiping his mouth after each puke, cleaning the floor, giving him water, meds and fresh linen for his forehead. You did it because this is how he deserves to be treated. With care and affection.

Just before going back in Seoul, as you were about to close the door of the condo that you had rented for yourself, he appeared behind you and snaked his arms around your chest, in a protective manner.

“Y/n… I want to thank you for staying by my side all this time. I know you wanted to try hitting on Jae but you couldn’t because of me.  Thanks, I really appreciate it. And I’ll invite him over for you to meet again.”

“Don’t mention it, it’s alright. And turns out that Jae is a douche, so forget it”.

“What happened?”

“Well, yesterday morning, he came out of his condo with 2 girls under his arms”.

“What’s the problem? If they all consented…” you closed the door and turned towards him. He was clearly not getting the point here.

“Problem is, he didn’t invited ME”

“Ooooh…. I see”.

“No, you cannot get it. You don’t know what it is because you have never experienced it. All the girls are at your feet. You enter a room and all eyes are on you. Women want you, men want you. Elders want you as their son-in-law. You don’t know what it’s like to feel ugly, unnoticed and unwanted. I’m sorry but you…”

You couldn’t finish your phrase. He stepped towards him and held your face in his chest, whispering soft words in your ears while you cried not so cutely. You felt good, thus wrapped in the comfort of his arms.

“We were 4 women Ji. Fucking 4. He invited 2 of them to his bed, the other one is Youngbae’s girl. You know what it means? Out of the three, I was the fucking last choice. How’s that?”

“I’m sorry hun, I really am. But maybe, he didn’t invite you because you were taking care of me. YES! That must be it. He invited them 2 to replace the only one he wanted to have sex with. See? It takes 2 to replace you!”. He wanted to cheer you up and it was working. 

“You’re silly” you smiled even though you knew he was wrong.

You had calmed down, so you stepped back from him. You were normally not cuddly with each other. Not that you didn’t like the contact, it was just like that. His arms didn’t feel uncomfortable but it was not fun either. The whole situation, the whole week-end was not.

As he looked into your sad eyes, he did the only thing that came into his mind. It was stupid to do but he didn’t had much time to think about it, he acted on an impulse.

“Well, now you will be able to say that you were kissed by the legendary G-Dragon”

And he had leaned in, lifting your chin up with his index. 

What he wanted to be a soft peck became a surprisingly hot and feverish kiss. One that normally leads directly to bed, don’t pass go, don’t claim 200 dollars. Whose tongue was inside the other’s mouth first? He couldn’t tell.  After a short moment, he had withdrawn in shock but when your finger traced the spot on your lips that he just left, he had no choice but to dive in for a second taste.  

It was delicious. He melted into you like ice-cream under the warm sun and so did you. He felt like he belonged next to you, and you next to him. It seemed that your lips were drawn to fit his. That your tongue was made to dance with his. That his hands were the perfect size to circle your waist. Not only your bodies were in perfect harmony, that kiss held the sweetness of your friendship combined with a million loving thoughts. It all condensed into a moment of burning heat.  

He had just felt your boobs pressed against him and your mouth against his neck, a delightful sensation, when you heard someone coming your way. Youngbae was coming out of his condo, he would soon turn the corner and discover you. Unfortunately, you had to split apart. To stop that fire that had ignited. That desire that consumed you. 

“Ji, we shouldn’t have crossed that line…” you pushed him away.

“I know. Let’s forget it happened” he answered in shock, not sure about what just happened and why it was not a good idea. It was so perfect, it couldn’t be a bad thing.

“Good idea” 

It seems that you were equally eager to end the conversation. Obviously, both for different reasons.

“Are you mad, Y/n?” he asked later, in the plane.

“Mad about what?”

“Duh, the kiss!”

“What kiss?” you answered, determined never to think about what had just happened.

To this day, you never said anything about it. It was almost like a faded dream. Did it ever happen? 

Present day

When you had woken up after your little nap close to lunch time, you felt reposed and relaxed. Jiyong was spooning you, his arms clutching onto your waist. His warm chest rose against your back at the rhythm of his soft breathing. On your neck was the most satisfying thing that you ever felt in your life, Jiyong’s warm breath. Smiling, you softly turned around to face him, you needed to look at his perfect face. You made sure to be as quiet and gentle as possible not to wake him up. Unnoticeable like a mouse.

When you faced him, his naked legs automatically intertwined with yours. He dragged you closer to him with one strong arm and your hands landed on his chest. Snuggling your nose against his shirt, you felt butterflies dancing in your stomach, threatening to fly away with your heart on the same occasion.  Was the mornings in his arms always perfect like that?

“Mmmmm hun, you feel good” It was not a question, it was a statement whispered with his lazy voice. One that leaves no place to doubt, hatred or anxiety. A voice that could heal a broken heart and guide another out of the darkest places. 

He knew that it was you in his arms and still, he didn’t flinch. You felt so stupidly good that you had to stand up and leave. It was too perfect. Too intimate. Too soothing. Your heart won’t survive this. For the sake of your mental health, you had to leave now. 

“I have to go Ji, I’ll be late”.

“Already? No, stay a little longer. We’re so comfy”

He hasn't opened his eyes yet, still blurred from sleep. He seemed so peaceful, it was endearing. You didn’t know what was going on with him, but one thing was certain, he hadn’t been himself since last night.  He even had shown small changes in his behavior in recent weeks. 

Brushing these thoughts on the side, you moved away from his arms. You’ll have plenty of time to fall in the downward spiral of sadness later, thinking that you will never be his. That he will never be yours. You escaped the peaceful cocoon you were wrapped in and went out of his bed. Out of his house. Out of your own mind.

Later that day, after your shift

As you arrived at your place, you opened your message app and started to read it. At the same time, you took your shoes off by shaking your feet one by one, over the rug in the hall. Right after your shower when you sat on the couch with a bowl of Japchae, you passed out exhausted.

Meanwhile, Jiyong was upside down. He had spent the day thinking of you, your relationship. He was affirmative, his feelings for you had changed, he was deeply in love with his best friend. There was no doubt in his mind. And he had no idea how you would react to it.

He didn’t want to lose you, but the feeling was so strong now that he accepted it, he had to confess. He needed to. 

Unlike your habit, and the timing couldn’t be more paradoxical, you had left him on read all day. It happened once before but it was because you were too busy with work. Why did it have to happen on a day like today, when he was already so out of his mind. Did you feel him today? Did you realize the changes taking place in him? Was that why you ignored his calls and texts? Were you angry? Maybe you found him too clingy. Maybe he made you feel uncomfortable.  He was going crazy with all these questions when he realised that it was already 2am. It was obvious that he wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight. Sighting, he wore his ‘incognito costume’, meaning jogging pants, a hoodie, a face mask and a beanie. Nothing fancy, nothing to expose his identity. Hopefully, the streets will be empty at this time of the night.

He walked around his neighbourhood, wandering. He could only think of you, what your reaction could be when he’ll open his heart to you. He didn’t want to imagine the worst, he couldn’t imagine you rejecting him, his heart felt heavy with pain just at the thought of it. With the consequences that this could bring, the changes to your relationship. We should not dwell on it. He had to go heart first and confess, hoping for the best.

He realized that he was now in front of your apartment block, that he had been walking along your street for a while now, like a stalker. What if something happened bad to you? Just thinking about it made him anxious. He needed to see you, to make sure that first you were safe and warm and second that you were not mad at him. That he didn’t lose you. But why would you be mad? It was a downward spiral of thoughts. It had to stop.

He entered the building with his key, took the elevator and then ran in the hallway impatiently. He couldn’t wait to see you. To tell you. It was a strong and invalidating feeling, he had to confess. His heart had to come back to normal, otherwise he would go crazy.

Unable to wait for you to open the apartment door, he slammed it open. What he discovered inside broke him into pieces, in the best way possible. You were wearing that same old clothes he saw you so often with. That horrible kit that made him hiss in disapproval each time he saw you dressed in. There was nothing he could do to make you stop wearing it. He had tried it all.  Somewhere along the way, he had let go. It was a really good thing, it allowed him to discover you curled up on the couch with untouched food on the table near you. Your hands were hidden in the sleeves of your sweater, joined under your chin. You were so cute, peacefully asleep in your comfort clothes, his heart melted.

He squatted down in front of you and with much tenderness, he caressed your face. He didn’t want to wake you up, he just needed to touch you. He was finally able to breathe. 

You felt his hand on your cheek and automatically, you knew it was Jiyong. You must have been dreaming, you were at your place, alone. Humming with content, you whispered his name with a satisfied smile across your lips and turned to face the other side. 

“Sleep, hun… I’ll wait tomorrow, I can wait now”.

“Ji?” you exclaimed in surprise. “What are you doing here?” you asked as you rub your eyes and opened the light that sat on the low table. When you discovered his features, you jumped off the couch and sat on the floor in front of him. “What’s going on? What happened”.

He didn’t understand what you meant, he didn’t say anything yet 

“Ji, you cried! What happened?”

“I cried? ooooh, yes” patting his face he realized that he did, indeed, have semi-dried tears on his cheeks. So he cried and didn't realize it.

“Why??? What happened?” you asked in a hurry.

“Nothing happened. I just cried…”

“Something must have, you had cried and landed in my living room at 3 am” you cupped his cheeks and started a visual inspection of him. You needed to make sure that he was okay, that nothing happened to him. That he was not sick or hurt physically at least. He found you beautiful.

“I love you”

“Yes Ji, I know… love you too” you answered mindlessly as you scritized his face, concentrating on your inspection.

He grabbed your wrists and held your hands close to his heart. He had started to talk, he couldn’t stop now. He didn’t want to. With all his courage and all the hope he could gather, he repeated.

“Y/n, I love you” 

“...”

“I love you”

You understood what he just said, the words he pronounced but not quite the meaning. You locked eyes with him, searching for an answer to your unspoken question. His beautiful eyes were not sparkling exactly the same way than before. He seemed agitated and peaceful at the same time, it was strange.

“Ji? What’s going on? Are you drunk?”

“Yah… Pabo! Let’s sit more comfortably, I’ll explain”.

You both transferred on the couch, sitting face to face with your knees up under your chin. You held your legs against your chest in a comforting manner. He couldn’t resist the temptation to touch you and he placed a hand flat on your forearm, amazed by your beauty as much as touched by your obvious concern.

“Y/n… Let me talk please”

It made you smile. If the situation would have not been that tensed, you would have laughed your ass out and mock him. 

“I didn’t place a word Ji, I’m waiting for you to explain your interruption in my living room in the middle of the night. I think it’s fair to say that I’m letting you talk”.

“Yes, sorry” he scratched his head with shyness “what I meant was let me talk before you do. But first, why didn’t you answer my calls or texts today? I was scared something happened to you”.

“I figure, sorry Ji. I was dead busy today, couldn’t find the time to eat anything or rest. I took a shower and wanted to call you but the minute I sat on the couch, I fell asleep. I didn’t mean to make you worry”

“Fair enough… and what happened at work today? You had a good day? Did you finally decide to buy yourself a cat?”

“Ji…” you cut him. He was running around the bush and you became impatient. “Ji, tell me. What is it about?”

“I promise you that if you don’t feel the same way, I’ll be okay, I’ll manage to survive. Goodness, I’m petrified”.

While he took his sweet time to say what he had to say, an image was forming in your mind. Did he mean what you think he meant? It couldn’t be possible. Febrile, hope bloomed inside of you.

“Ji… what’s going on?”

“I love you”

The mocking gaze of your best friend was gone. Instead, in his eyes you saw a loving feeling come to life. You read in it doubt and hope. Lots of hope. In his eyes, new sparks you never thought that would shine on for you.  This beautiful vision speaked louder than words.

“I realised lately that you’re the one I want to share my life with. The affection I had, it changed into love. Now, I smile like an idiot when I hear your voice. I melt when you pronounce my name. I want my hands on you all the time. I want to hug you. I want to be a better person and make you proud. I want the world a better place just for you to be more safe. I want to make you happy, just like you make me. I want to kiss you. I want to hold your hand on my way to paradise if it exists, and I want to be born with you again in our next life. Say something please…”

“That hand of mine will hold yours till the end of our life and again in the next one. I promise you that”. 

It was not what he expected to hear. He was so scared that you would reject him, he never thought you would really share his feelings. He just hoped with all his heart, unsure and nervous. Therefore, he was unable to process the words you spoke.

“What?”

You didn’t repeat, instead you leaned in and kissed him, putting all your love in the kiss. The tenderness you feel for him, the passion too. You put all those intentions as your lips sealed with his. Tears went down both your cheeks and mixed together before falling on your clothes.

“You love me?” he asked between the kisses. “For real?” 

He cupped your cheeks with a tenderness that you never felt before. His hands on you was now the only thing that matters.

“Ji, I love you. I love you so much… loved you for years now”.

“Woah, really?”

“Let’s not talk about it yet, we have plenty of time ahead. But yes, I love you. I thought I was so obvious”.

“Not at all, I didn’t realize. I’m sorry love, to realize that you were mine this late”.

“It’s okay Ji, I never thought that you could love me back so I'm more than happy right now. I’m in heaven”.

“Me too”

You looked at each other, smiling shyly.

“I can’t wait to bring you out on our first date. It will be so nice to hold your hand… to show everybody that you are mine, that I’m the luckiest man who got the prettiest girl”.

“Aaaaw Ji”

Your heart was so light but it was beating fast at the same time. You were happy like you were never before. You felt fully and wonderfully alive, loved and overwhelmed. Jiyong’s features told you that he felt the exact same way about you. He had that shy loving smile of his. 

“Ji… Is this for real?”

“I could ask you the same”

“Love of my life…” you whispered as you kissed him a sweet and feverish kiss. You broke contact and plonged your eyes into his “you have no idea how you make me feel right now. I’ve been longing for you, for your kisses and touch all this time. I was loving you in silence and now I can finally touch you. I don’t mean sexually… Just to be able to cup your beautiful face like that and I’m in heaven” you said as you cupped his face and kissed the tip of his nose. 

“I doubt the ‘not sexually’ part but I know exactly how you feel. It seems like you are too far away from me. You would be sitting on my lap and you would still be too far. I’m craving for you”

“Come” you said, standing up. You took his hand in yours and as you walked backwards, you guided him towards your bedroom.  His smile grew bigger.

“Where are we going?”

“You confessed your love to me while I was wearing those clothes that you hate so much. I think it’s only fair that we take them off now… I mean, not to ruin your mood”

“You… you sure?”

“Not a bit… I’m scared that I will deceive you. I’m scared that you will not love what you see…”

“Shhhhh” he stopped you with a kiss “there is no such thing possible. You walked naked so many times before me, I already know all your curves”

“I never walked naked in front of you…”

“You do”

“Nope…”

“all the time…”

“Wanna see what naked is? Let me show you” you took your clothes off in the speed of light, exposing your naked forms in front of him. “See? Have you ever seen me naked like that before?”

He smiled a cocky smile and pushed the clothes that were on the floor with his foot. He didn’t answer your question; instead, he held out a trembling hand, the only clue of the fire roaring in him. He put it flat on the side of your neck. His touch was delicate and full of love. You felt his raw emotion in the way he was touching you, looking at you.  He couldn't believe he was so lucky. That you were his and you felt the same.

“I love what I see. I love every inch of that body because it’s yours. I will love and cherish it until the day I die”

A single tear fell down off your eyes. There was no cloud under your sky and if ever you meet some along the way, you will certainly find a way to overcome it. Of that, you had no doubt. 

“I love you Jiyong”

“I love you Y/n”

Without another word, he lifted you from the ground and transported you to you to your bed. With all the love he had, and all the love you had too, you started your new life together in the most beautiful way possible.

[whatdoesshedotothem]

Friday 30 August 1839

6 ¾

12 5/..

fine morning but dullish and windy. F59 ½° at 7 ½ am poor A- complained of pain last night left shoulder – bad – regular rheumatism – tied a woollen stocking round it this morning – breakfast at 8 ½ and over at 8 50/.. – very comfortable here – everything good and abundant – coffee particularly good – perhaps the best we  have had in Sweden – sent off forbud last night that we might be able to reach Falun in good time without hurrying off this morning – the morning was sunny between 6 and 7 and finer than now – off at 9 33/.. – very near at 10 (1/2 mile from O-) at top of hill fine view over wide expanse of country and Nasbysjö [Näsbysjön ](Naseby shoo) fine large peninsular – parted inland lake the extreme distance everywhere shut in by dark pine forest – the white steeple of our church at Ōvanssö seen distinctly scattered hamlets and farms as far as one can see – literally the North of Sweden seems more popular than the south parts that we have seen, and more foresty and laky and pretty and picturesque? off again in 7 minutes at 10 5/.. – nice drive – forest begins here at the point de vue – at Solberga at 11 10/.. forest almost all the way – with scattered hamlets a little solitary farms and barns good whitewashed church and scatted village at a little distance from our station small neat looking place with 2 or 3 cottages near – the [wintery] north of Upsala [Uppsala] more picturesque and better farmed than before – here at Solberga we are near pine wooded (forest) ranges of hill – much of the round-like moss on the stone today in the forest on boulder stone lying along the road sides – 1st observed in the foresty in the afternoon as we drove from Österby (Dannemora) on Wednesday Limpa broad that I like so much Hops (and [?] [?] as common in Sweden) (today and yesterday) – today Rye looking well – 3in. out of the ground – beautiful drive these 2 miles – (at 1 29/..) to Rörshylta [Rörshyttan]  as spelt at the station – forest and break and fine wooded hill and hamlets, farms and cottages – beautiful lake (left) soon after the station – there at 12 ¾

August Friday 30 to 2 10/.. we cotoyent (right) large wooded islandy, indented very beautiful lake (Greenshaw lake) to the village of Shăr-ran-soōn – baron Strom-sturn has a large and iron forge here white chateau and here (left) a higher water like a broad river soon extending (left) into another pretty lake that supplies the mills (forge wheels) good picturesque scattered village – nice little church – white splashed and red village – the other villages dark red-smeared with white window frames as usual – waited to write the above and en route again now at 1 42/.. – Lake (right) and forest-hilly – foresty laky and lovely today – wrote this as we walk our horses up a hill rocky forest – this stage hilly – sunny and fine since about noon or rather after till about 2 then dull but fair – beautiful drive to Smedby at 3 – hilly and sandy and heavy – much rain has lately fallen on the road – Smedby very picturesque scattered good village – large handsome whitewashed church – picturesque  nice little red station house – might sleep here and at the last station for both look tidy – good clean farming and land well cleared of stones – corn about ½ housed and about ½ in stook and some(yet to cut) – no wheat – rye almost all housed – chiefly oats and barley out and chiefly oats to cut – large herd of cows 1st stage go to a fair chiefly white (little) cows – worth about 30 rigs. dollars a piece – off again at 3 – had entered Dalecarlia about ¼ hour before Smedby – beautiful drive from there – these wooded hills of Dalecarlia very beautiful the dark pine relived by the light birch – much birch here – floating bridge just out of Smedby – and at 3 ¾ toll gate and broad river to cross by another float – bridge just below the gate where the toll 2sk. B. as before was for the bridge – bridge about 6 yards wide and 40 or 50 long? beautiful view on both sides the bridge – the station house at Uppbo neat but small close to the northern end of the bridge – the view  from this bridge next in beauty to Swine [?] [ferry] 1er on West End – off again at 4 and soon after sunny again – beautiful drive – hilly – forest, and 2 or 3 little lakes, and fine valley – difficult to say which stage today most beautiful always excepting the fine lake Here Strand at 5 13/.. – the clocks later – the horses ordered for

SH:7/ML/TR/13/0017

August Friday 30 5 ½ and not come my watch ¼ too late at the last stage – nice enough station house here – could sleep very well – alighted and writing very comfortably in a room upstairs – It was near here Strand (scattered village station house standing quite at one end) that Gustavus Wasa [Vasa] was concealed when nearly discovered by the Dane – what a beautiful picturesque might be made of the lake and wooded hills and fine vale as a background to the cottage and Gustaf Wasa [Vasa] – beautiful sunny evening now at 5 35/.. and beautiful sunset – beautiful drive great part of the way thro’ forest – more Scotch than Spruce – beautiful lake (let) up to the river at Falun – exactly ½ way at 6 35/.. a copper fonderie, the 1st we have seen – another in about ½ hour and then a 3rd in about ¼ hour  more – good handsome looking brick church – and large place and large whitewashed town hall forming a great part of one side of it – then cross the river over long wooden bridge and alight at our Inn at 8 40/.. – 2 good bedrooms – mine opening into a large very good salle à manger – we are in clover – writing till supper now at 9 35/.. fried little fish and veal cutlets and little pancakes, all very good – then coffee and sat talking till now 10 35/.. – fine day – F60 ¼° at 11 pm

[marciego]

for the song game thing, naty and ludmila? <3

sooo my guess here is that this ask is from @iristhedeadflower and if it's not, apologies both to her and to the actual anon, but even if i'm wrong, i learned it's her birthday today and i thought hey! why not work on this ask first! hope you will (both, if i ended up being wrong) enjoy it, and happy birthday iris <33

also we gotta thank the universe and spotify here because i think the song actually fits them so so much, so!!

stay alive by andy black

The ocean breeze blew, chill and fresh. Naty inhaled deeply, leaning against her car. The view was beautiful, she thought idly, but it didn't matter, not when she was facing Ludmila's back in the middle of the night, not when Ludmila refused to tell her anything. She had called her about two hours ago, her voice cold, almost emotionless. This is not normal, Naty had thought, and so she had showed up at the Castillo household in the middle of the night, unaware of the state she was going to find Ludmila in. Ludmila had snuck out through the back door, hopping in Naty's car without a word. As she started up the car, Naty had taken the time to look closely at her face, but it was as cold as her voice had been on the phone. That sight alone had made Naty's heart ache in her chest.

And now, now she was standing here, facing the ocean, and facing Ludmila's back, and Ludmila was still refusing to say anything.

"What happened?" she asked at last, hoping to get Ludmila to confide in her. When her question was met with silence, she tried again, "Did something happen with Priscila?"

"Nat," Ludmila's voice was cold, sharp. Naty saw a shiver run down her spine, Ludmila crossed her arms - to shield herself from the wind or from Naty's words, she couldn't tell. "I don't want to talk about it," she ended up saying, her voice less sharp, almost resigned.

It hurt, seeing her like this. No matter what had happened between them, and what would ever happen, Naty had seen Ludmila at her worst, and she knew her at her best. I will always love her, she had told herself all those months ago, but at the time, she didn't know loving her would mean seeing her like that, and feeling completely helpless about it.

Still, she would endure this pain and even more, if it meant Ludmila wouldn't have to endure it alone, and she knew she wasn't the only one to feel like this. And so, that's what she decided to tell her, hoping, praying she could get her to open up.

"Ludmila, you're not alone," her voice was soft, nothing more than a whisper. Ludmila's shoulders tensed slightly at her words, almost imperceptedly, but Natalia noticed right away, because that's what she did, that's what she had always done. Looking, watching, seeing her. "You can talk to Violetta, or Federico," she felt her voice waver dangerously, she felt like she was slipping. But Ludmila needed her, and Natalia wasn't the person she once was anymore. She could be strong for the two of them. "You can talk to Diego." Ludmila tightened her embrace over her own arms at the mention of his name. Naty could see the shell cracking, could perceive the strom threatening to flood over them any second now. She had made up her mind a long time ago, she would stand in the eye of the storm right next to Ludmila. With a bit more strength in her voice, she said, "You can talk to me."

"No," Ludmila snapped. The wind blowing through her hair was getting stronger. "They hate me, all of them," her voice was shaking, barely holding onto the last shred of control she still had. "I hurt, lied and stole from Violetta." One sharp inhale, it wasn't regret in her voice, it was the cold, harsh truth. They both knew that. "I betrayed Federico's trust," the trembling in Ludmila's voice seemed to be getting harder to control. "And Diego..." she paused at that, seemed to gather her thoughts. Naty noticed Ludmila's nails digging into her arms, threatening to break the skin. "Diego doesn't even want to hear my name anymore," she said after a while, resigned.

Each word falling from Ludmila's lips twisted Naty's stomach, hurting her too. She wanted to yell at her, to force her to look into her eyes as she swore to her that she was loved, that she deserved to be loved. She wanted, needed her to understand she wasn't alone.

Instead, she bravely took a step forward. "Violetta loves you, and I know you love her too," she said to Ludmila's back, with enough confidence to get her to tilt her head towards her. She wasn't quite meeting her gaze yet, but they were getting there. "Federico would do anything to make you happy." Another step forward, Natalia could see Ludmila's gaze on the ground. "And Diego," she said, hoping to find the right words. She still couldn't understand the depth of Ludmila's relationship with Diego, couldn't see it as clearly as she wanted to, but she knew how important he was to her, and she knew how damaged their relationship was. "Diego is still here," she chose to say. Another step forward, Ludmila's back now right in front of her. "Despite everything, he's still here. Despite the anger and the hardships, he lets you break down into his arms every time you need it."

Silence followed her words, but it wasn't as hard to handle as she would have expected. Ludmila wasn't some sort of figure Natalia had to chase anymore, always further and further away, she wasn't out of reach. She was right in front of her, turning on her heels to face her. Ludmila looked down at her, her expression serious, but not as closed as it was when she'd come into her car.

"And you, Natalia?" she asked, her voice low.

Natalia inhaled deeply, locked their eyes. She didn't need to think about her answer. "I made a promise to myself a long time ago," she started, trying to convey all of her feelings in her words. "The promise that I'd never stop loving you, that I'd always care for you, that I'd help you in any way I can to get you through this." She never looked away once, making sure the meaning of each word would be implanted in Ludmila's mind. Softly, as if not to startle Ludmila, she added, "But I can't do it on my own, none of us can. Ludmila, we all want to help you, but you need to let us in."

"Let you in," Ludmila repeated, more to herself than to anyone else. Her face was less tense, almost vulnerable. Maybe she could hear it, someday. Maybe she would finally let Naty, or Diego, or Federico or anyone else finally, finally know what was actually going on.

"Ludmila," Naty knew she sounded desperate, but she couldn't help it. "We all want to help you, but we-" she cut herself off, closed her eyes. When she opened them again, she felt brave enough to continue. "I want to help you, but I just- I don't know how."

Ludmila's face relaxed, surprise, sadness and understanding mixing on her features. The wind was still blowing, but she didn't look like she would get caught up in the storm anymore. When she opened her mouth again, the words flew easily.

"For now, this is enough," her voice was soft, her smile comforting, contrasting with the wind blowing in Naty's ears. Naty smiled back at her, concern twisting her stomach, but relief washing over her.

Someday, she would wake up and finally get to listen to Ludmila, to know her hopes, her fears and her dreams. Someday, she would wake up to see the day Ludmila would finally let her in, let all of them in. But maybe, for now, this was enough.

[the-deeds-to-shibden]

Friday 30 August 1839

[Ann’s rheumatism is troubling her, but she continues bravely on. More foresty, laky, pretty, and picturesque landscapes are met with, while Anne waxes lyrical about Swedish bread that just hits the spot. A day of thoroughly entrancing views crowned with a good dinner - and tomorrow another mine visit beckons!]

[up at] 6 ¾

[to bed at] 12 5/” 

Fine morning but dullish and windy. F 59 1/2° at 7 ½  a.m. Poor Ann complained of pain last night left shoulder -  bad - regular rheumatism – tied a woollen stocking round it  this morning – breakfast at 8 ½ and over at 8 50/” – very comfortable here – everything  good and abundant – coffee particulary good – perhaps the best we  have had in Sweden – sent off forbud last night that we might be able to reach Falun in good time without hurrying  off this morning – the morning was sunny between 6 and 7 and finer  than now – off at 9 33/” – at very near 10 (1/2 miles from Ovanssö)  at top of hill fine view over wide expanse of country and Nasby sjö (Naseby shoo) fine large peninsular-parted inland lake the extreme distance everywhere shut in by dark pine forest – the white steeple of our church at Ovanssö seen distinctly scattered hamlets and farms as far as one can see – literally the North of Sweden seems more populous than the south parts  that we have seen and more foresty and laky and pretty and picturesque?  

off again in 7 minutes at 10 5/” – nice drive – forest  begins here at the point de vue – at Solberga at 11 10/”  forest almost all the way with scattered hamlets or little farms and solitary barns good white washed church and scattered village at a little distance from our station, small neat looking place with 2 or 3 cottages near – the country north of Upsala more picturesque  and better farmed then before – here at Solberga we are near pine- wooded (forest) ranges of hill – much of the rud-like moss on the stones today in the forest on boulder stones lying along the round sides – 1st observed in the forests in the afternoon as we drove from Österby (Dannemora) on Wednesday      Limpa bread that I like so much        Hops (and prunus padus common in Sweden) today and yesterday – today Rye  looking well – 3 inches out of the ground – beautiful drive these 2 miles – (at 1 29/”) to Rörshytta as spelt at the station – forest  and break and fine wooded hill and hamlets, farms and  cottages – beautiful lake (left) soon after the station – there at 12 ¾  to 2 10/” we cotoyent (right) large wooded islandy, indented very beautiful lake (greenshaw lake) to the village of  Shärransöön – baron Strom-sturn has a large white chateau and iron forge here and here (left) a higher water like a broad river soon extending (left) into another pretty lake that supplies the mills (forge wheels)  good picturesque scattered village – nice little church – white splashed and red village – the other villages dark red-smeared with white window  frames as usual – 

waited to write the above and en route again now  at 1 42/” – lake (right) and forest – hilly – foresty laky  and lovely today – wrote this as we walk our horses up a hill – rocky forest – this stage hilly – sunny and fine since about  noon or rather after till about 2 then dull but fair – beautiful drive  to Smedby at 3 – hilly and sandy – much and heavy rain has lately fallen  on the road – Smedby very picturesque scattered good village – large handsome white washed church – picturesque nice little red station-house – might sleep here and at the last station for both look tidy –  good clean farming and land well cleared of stones – corn about ½ housed and about ½ in stook and some yet to cut –  no wheat – rye almost all housed – chiefly oats and barley out and chiefly oats to cut – large herd of cows 1st stage going to a fair chiefly white (little) cows – worth about 30 rigsdollars apiece – off again at 3 – had entered Dalecarlia about ¼ hour before  Smedby – beautiful drive from thence – these wooded hills of Dalecarlia very beautiful – the dark pine relived by the light birch – much birch here,  floating bridge just out of Smedby – and at 3 ¾ toll gate – broad river to cross by another floating bridge just below the gate where the toll 2 skilling Banco as before was for the bridge – bridge about 6 yards wide and 40 or 50 long?  Beautiful view on both sides the bridge – the station house at Uppbo neat but small  close to the other end of the bridge – the view from this bridge next in beauty to Swinesund ferry (near Westgaard) 

Off again at 4 and soon after sunny again – beautiful drive –  hilly – forest and 2 or 3 little  lakes, and fine valley – difficult to say  which stage today most beautiful always excepting the fine lake Here Strand at 5 13/” – the clocks later – the horses ordered for  5 ½ and not come my watch ¼ too late at the last stage  nice enough station house here – could sleep very well – alighted and writing very comfortably in a room upstairs – it was near here Strand (scattered village station house standing quite at one end) that Gustavus Wasa was concealed when nearly discovered by the  Dane – what a beautiful picture might be made of the lake  and wooded hills and fine valley as a background to the cottage and Gustaf  Wasa – beautiful sunny evening now at 5 35/” and beautiful sunset – beautiful drive the great part of the way thro’ forest – more scotch than spruce – beautiful lake up – up to the river at Falun – exactly ½ way at 6 35/” a copper fonderie, the 1st we have seen – another in about ½ hour  and then a 3rd in about ¼ hour more – good handsome looking brick church  and large place and white washed town hall forming a great  part of one side of it – then cross the river over long wooden  bridge and alight at our Inn at 8 40/” – 2 good bedrooms – mine opening into a large very good salle à manger –  we are in clover – writing till supper now at 9 35/”  fried little fish and veal cutlets and little pancakes, all very  good – then coffee and sat talking till now 10 35/” – fine  day – Fahrenheit 60 ¼ at 11 p.m.

Anne’s marginal notes:

Overanssö

Ann’s rheumatism

fine view –

red rud-like moss

limpa bread

Dalecarlia

1st floating bridge near Smedby 2nd at Uppbo and view next in beauty to Swinesund ferry

Fahlu

WYAS pages:       SH:7/ML/TR/130016        SH:7/ML/TR/130017

A Dalarna landscape:

Church at Ovansjö (photo Jan Ainali):

Chateau at Stjärnsund (photo Holger Ellgaard):

Anne’s beloved limpa bread:

[plasterasher]

The 10 Days of Suffering

-The 31 prompts of October 2019 #1 -

Day one: I sit in his room. I don’t want to belive the reality that has put upon me by fate. I sit and cry while wearing his hoodie. I can’t and won’t believe it. It all just feels like a bad dream. I feel no emotions only the tears as they slip down my face.

Day 2: Thomas has forgotten about him. But not me, how could I forget the love of my life. His door is starting to fade just like he did. I go into his room and find his diary and a razor. I take both back to my room. As soon as I leave his door disappears. I fall to my knees and sob right in the middle of the hallway. Patton comes rushing to my aid and brings me to my room. He stays with me, letting me cry in his lap while he runs his fingers through my hair just like he used to do. I fall asleep clutching his diary.

Day 3: I decided against opening the diary because I feel like he wouldn’t have wanted me to. Logan is the first side to forget about him. When Patton told Logan his door was missing he didn’t even know who he was. I couldn’t believe it, were we really gonna forget about him? He was- no he is so important to us how could we just forget about him? I used the razor I took from his room to draw on my skin, I draw a rose that drips of blood. I think it’s beautiful but Patton though it was bad and took his razor from me.

Day 4: For some reason, I feel the need to check on Deceit. I don’t know why but I do. When I ask him how he was he said he woke up crying but he doesn't remember why. I freeze, I ask him if he remembers Virgil... He says no.

Day 5: A new side is forming. Well, a replacement side is forming. The new side is replacing my boyfriend! I won’t expect this. When the new side forms everyone greets him with smiles and compassion. That’s not the way we did it for him or any of the other dark sides. I don’t leave my room that day.

Day 6: Everyone has forgotten about him. Everyone is smiling and is happy they welcome the new side with open arms. They are confused, they don’t remember why I’m staying in my room, they don’t remember why I lock myself away, they don’t remember.

Day 7: I forgot his name today. I was so startled that I wrote his name everywhere in his favorite color. My room was now filled with purple words.

Day 8: I forgot him for a longer period yesterday. I started crying and forgot why. I can’t forget him, I won’t forget him. I decided today is the day I read his diary since I know he isn’t coming back. I read about all his happy moments and his sad ones, he talks about his panic attacks, he talks about his laugh attacks. What I would give to hear him laugh again.

Day 9: I finished reading his diary today but I also kept forgetting whose diary I was reading. I’m going to forget him. I don’t wanna forget him! I can’t forget him. At the end of the diary there a note to me it reads “Roman my love, it’s okay to let go. It’s okay to forget about me. Just know that I will always love you. But it’s okay I know you won’t remember me forever so it’s okay to forget about me. I wasn’t worth remembering anyway. -Your Dark Strom cloud”

Day 10: It’s getting harder and harder to remember him. A world without him even a thought or a memory of him is not worth living in. I refuse to forget him. I write my Goodbye letters and walk to the pit of forgotten. I look up into the dark abyss. “I’ll see you soon Virgil”. I fall into the pit letting darkness and a numb feeling engulf me.

[muted-galaxies]

vampire falls

Vampire falls chapter 1- this is our town and we run the show

Under her feet the staircase creaked, the feet belonged to Mabel Maria Pines,the once bubbly care free resident of gravity falls oregon, known by everyone in town. That was of course a different time in the towns history, before the vampires made themselves know, before everything changed. Gideon Gleeful, of all people, was the ruler of the vampires. Mabel sighed in expiration, she was main bait for Gideon, he wanted her, her everything and it made her absolutely sick to her stomach to think about.

Mabel pov

I am part of what I like to call 'the resistance', It's mainly just me, Wendy, Grenda, Candy and Tambry because really? Thats all thats left of the town. We founded the resistance  when Dipper went missing, just a month after the vampires came out of hiding. Honestly when the vampires took over, we all did have little budge on changing our ways to fit what they wanted of us. When Dipper was gone that morning , either taken to be blood cattle by the vampires or drained by one of them, I don't know and i choose not to think about it, the whole vampire take over became more real to me.

When the vampires took over, they took all the men and I don't know why i have a feeling about the time period of most of the higher up vampires, none of them were born before the 20th century meaning the concept of women having any rights is alien to them. To blend in the one rule we did agree to quickly was the dresses which we paired with choker to easily block vampire bites.

We had taken over the mystery shack as our base, we've lived here for the better part of two years now, it's a pretty convenient place actually, surrounded by magic forest full of mythical creatures that hate the vampires as much as we do. Oh and i can't forget the underground bunker where great uncle ford did most of his research about gravity falls' weirdness.

Getting to the bottom step i looked around and am greeted with a sight that had grown to be normal to me by now,  wendy was sat around the table with an old, clearly loved but beaten, ipad.i took in a breath,let it out and  I walked to her sitting down near her. She looked up at me, her green eyes had lost the colour they once held,her hair scruffier than when we first met, the vampires took such a toll on all of us

"good morning Mabel , sleep well" Wendy said her voice was scruffy and scratchy but i payed it little mind instead  i nodded at her. Mornings could go better i guess but they could go a whole lot worse at that thought my hand found itself near my neck,near a bite mark sure its hidden by a choker but the memory of it will always be there to me.

I used to cry most nights,wanting my brother back by my side, some people just don't understand the bond we shared,he knew all my secrets and i knew his.He always had my back and i'm sure he would be for me right now in this situation,I think he'd stand by me ,would he be proud of me for standing up and taking on responsibilities?

"So do we have any plans for the vampires,then " i asked shaking my head to bring myself back to reality.I reached for an apple in the middle of the table and took a bite of it,savouring the taste in my mouth.Wendy shrugged at me before going back to her tablet, i guess she's stumped. It wasn't that i wanted to go out and kill but i will admit i get a bit of a ' thrill ' from it ,im going insane . stupid Gideon , stupid vampires .

Thinking back on everything i pick up on changes, drastic ones from the blissful preteen i was 2 years ago.The main thing that always seems to strike me,and others, is my looks im skinny yes but even describing me as that is too large , arms that are nothing more than skin and bones, a waist that used to be my proudest feature but weirdly enough a chest area that has stayed firm in place, reminding people of my femininity. Attached to my right leg, under my skirt is an old belt fashioned into a strap that can hold a knife for close up combat. As for the dress , i had no choice in the matter, gideon personally picked this dark purple harlot type dress. The one thing i do agree with of gideons clothing choice is the black laced gloves to cover my bruised hands.

I'm not special of course in the dress department, ALL females in gravity falls were given dresses against their will, all from different time periods, all with different connotations to the vampires. Gretta for example was given a formal, yellow coloured dress that honestly lasted 3 days before getting ripped and not repaired. Candy on the other hand had her dress picked out by amelie, one of gideons elusive sisters that appeared when he came out as a vampire, was a lolita style dress with alice in wonderland elements, i think it was the bow on top her head that made it feel that way to me. .

The two teenagers had identical black and white dresses that the middle class apparently wore in the victorian era, wendy has to stick to the dress as she leaves the shack with us regularly. Tambre gets to stay out of the dress and wear something more comfortable for her.

"We do have one plan i guess , we Strom the vampire castle and take back some of the boys that should help us on our attack ratio " Wendy said bringing me back to the whole situation right infront of me, i look at the ginger girl with a raised eyebrow before looking at the other two girls, they had the same look i did.

With confirmation from candy and gretta i turn back to wendy once again, putting my hand on the chair so i could properly lean forward at a slight angle.

"OK so the plan is we send candy and Gretta out first then we send out Mabel and Wendy , got it " tambre said speaking up from the other side of the table, she looked up from her laptop as  we all nodded at her.

She produced a key, holding it up to show us all, the silver had clearly seen better days yet parts of it still managed to catch the light,she then pushed the key across the table  over to me "trust me , I have friends on the inside,well one but who's counting " she looked over at Wendy who sighed in relief, i'd assume that's probably the first news she's heard about any of  her friend's in a long while,the slight relief she felt however was quick to go replaced with the same stoic face she always wears.

With that i pushed the chair back into the table and turned to candy and gretta "well if that's our plan i say we do some training" i said, they looked at each other before looking back at me nodding, i nodded back and the two of them made their way towards what used to be the gift shop. I'm about to follow them when i feel a hand on my shoulder digging in slightly.

I turn around to see wendy clutching my shoulder giving me a worried look all of sudden "we need to act quick,gideon will be getting restless,he'll come for you mabel and you know it" i nod at her holding my hands close to my chest before stepping back,shrugging off her hand slightly

"Prepare for the worst" i say streching my arms out infront of me, lacing my fingers together "expect the worst"

Gideon POV

In the depths of the castle we had taken over in the first few days, was where i decided to sit grinding my teeth together,rubbing my fingers together. The silence is blissful though to me it cannot and never will be complete silence.

Still i sat in my study "mabel darling,you've outran me for too long,you'll be right beside me, just you wait" i said to myself before picking up my goblet of someones blood, the girl had struck one of my heart strings about 2 years ago when she was 12 now she had grown into a extremely beautiful 15 year old.I got a taste when we came back out of the shadows,that one drop has driven me crazy and I wanted to get her as mine and only mine for the rest of her life.

The sound of another person being drained came from the other end of the castle,it was peaceful to hear  a humans poor scream as they hold onto the last bit of life they have , don't fight what's coming affter all this is our town now and we run the show, i put the goblet back down on the table,relaxed into my  chair but then again  one thing still troubled me, always in the back of my hand, where was dipper pines .

That boy was supposed to be the way i would get Mabel to give up her fight against us and be mine,bite that human, drain him infront of her in a helpless state and take her. I knew i'd have to find that boy if i were to ever taste her again, its only a matter of time, he cant hide from me.

[throughthedirt]

Season 1: Chapter Nine

Previous Chapter — First Chapter

Miles

It didn't matter that I was just shy of turning 44 years old. The University of Oregon campus was nearly 300 acres of property housing nearly 23,000 students from around the world. Sure, the majority were teens and young adults, but there was no shortage of older individuals seeking education. More so, I didn't have to be a student. I could be a teacher, a maintenance worker, the IT guy, even a fuckin' janitor. For all anyone knew, I belonged here. And the way I walked through those grand, window-framed doors - people knew. I had a purpose. Showing no signs of hesitation, fear, or confusion, I waltzed my way throughout the campus. For nearly an hour, I roamed the campus freely and without even batting an eyelash to any other person. I was mostly ignored by those who did notice me. But for most, it was like I didn't even exist - just like the rest of them. I was just another body in a mass of humans. But I was here for a reason, and that was to fulfill a job and keep a promise; an agreement that got me freedom in 6. Kyle Turner. Kyle fucking Turner. "Fuckin' football prick raped my niece and got off scot-free," as Correctional Lieutenant Dave Ward would say. The very first words of his that changed the course of my history at Oregon State Pen. And I had read the reports, the articles, the media frenzy - all in prison. I knew what he had done, and he was guilty. But a fully-paid scholarship and a hell of a lot of "hush-money" got him nothing. Not even a smack on the wrist. He walked. Went free. And Ward's niece? Well, things didn't go so great for her. Fearing him, she refused her admittance into UofO, afraid she would see him again. So the fucker had to die. And now it was finally time. 

Approaching the glass doors of the Performance Center, I made a fatal mistake. Reaching my hand out to pull on the handle, the door stayed shut. It creaked as I tried to open it - but it was locked. "Uh, hello?" A large football player called to me in his confusion, his mouth agape and his eyes squinted as he made his approach. He was as heavy as he was tall; his long, afro-style hair alone adding inches to his height. "This building is for authorized personnel only..." He said to me, pulling a plastic card from behind him and slipping it through the swipe-pad beside the door. The pad flashed green and the door clicked. Unlocked. This place was advanced, way more security than I could have ever imagined. University of Oregon had changed in the last 6 years. Turning to him, I gave a toothy grin and begin to chuckle. "Boy do I feel old, huh." He looked at me, cautiously as he stood before the door. But I didn't let him disappear into the building before I extracted needed information. "I'm actually lookin' for someone - maybe you can help me..." I iterated, "One of your football mates, Kyle Turner." The player gave me a saucy eye glare. "What about him?" Pausing, I conjured the biggest load of shit I could muster up in 0.2 seconds. "My niece, you know-" I started to chuckle, so much so that it interrupted my speech. "Ah man, this is embarrasing on her part, but she's... she's a HUGE fan of his. And I mean HUGE. She has posters of him all over her room, you know?" "Uh-huh..." Little interest from him. Only suspicion. But I didn't let him get another word in. "I mean she's just nuts for college football. Strange for a girl, no? I guess the world is changin' and I'm far behind. Heh, heh, heh." I chuckled again, trying to fluster the boy with too much information for him to process. "But ANYWAYS -" I continued, "Her birthday's comin' up and I was hopin' to get maybe a... you know... surprise appearance from him?" There was a look of confusion on the poor boy's face. "WITH COMPENSATION, of course." Another smile. "Uhhhhhhhmm, righttttt." He replied. "Let me..." He struggled to respond. Possibly the weirdest request he'd ever received, surely. "Let me go see if he's here. I'll be right back." "Sure thing, but ah-!" I held my hand up, a signal for him to stop as he reached for the handle. "Allow me," Taking the door by the giant O shape in its handle, I pulled the steel frame open to allow for the jock to head in. In respect to him, I closed it behind him, locking me out of the building once more. I stood there waiting. Waiting patiently. With my hands stuffed in my pockets, I casually swayed my body and whistled a chirpy hymn. To my surprise, it took only minutes for the door to open again. And out came Kyle fuckin' Turner in the flesh. And he wasn't a teenager anymore. No... He was a man, now. "Uh, hi-?" Kyle would greet me, without so much as a formal introduction. Fuckin' millennials. It took me a moment to sink in his appearance. Tall, 6'1, still shorter than me. A big guy, no doubt. But size didn't matter when it came to murder. Only intent, motive, and calculation. "Yes! Kyle Turner." Pulling my hand from my coat pocket, I extended it to him. "My name is Angelo Rossi. It's great to meet you!" Turner took my hand, shaking it as firmly as I was squeezing. But as he had taken my hand in his, I had also raised my other free hand to firmly grip his bicep. A sort of gesture of greeting, but it secretly to scope his muscular size. "Yeah, thanks." The fucker would respond. Yeah, thanks? Really? Really. Releasing his hand, I returned my superior 6 foot 3 stance to it's upright position and gave a fake, cheery smile. "My niece, she's a crazy fan." Pulling for my wallet, I slipped out a photograph of a teenage girl. "Her name is Nakoma. She's... half native half Italian, like me. Heh." Kyle took the photo in his hand, his eyebrows raising at the beautiful young lady he saw in the picture. Perfect, interest. "A looker, I know. Causes me more problems, ya know?" I chuckled, taking the photo back. "So listen, I came here hopin' I could hire you. For a job, of sorts." Kyle crossed his arms before him and looked at me curiously. "Oh yeah?" "Yeah, man. I'm organizing Nakoma's 16th birthday and I really want to make it special. She has posters of ya' all around her room and I thought, pffftttt, what better to surprise her with her favorite football player? Every teenage girl's dream, right?" I laughed again, thinking the idea is silly, but might actually work. "Nothin' major. There's be about 30 of her girlfriends there hangin' around the pool-" Realizing it was January, I instantly corrected myself. "Indoor pool, at her father's place. Big place, you know?" Kyle's head was nodding - Still interested. "Figured you can drop by for an hour or so, or even less if you're in a crunch. Sign some autographs, take some pictures. Grab a bite to eat, whatever you want. There'll be plenty of food, cuz, well, Italians, am I right?" Laughing again, Kyle's interest seemed to only be piquing the more bizarre and outlandish the story got. "Sounds fun." He smiled, bringing his fingers to his lips as he pondered the thought of 30 hot teenage girls in their bikinis. "But uh-" He started to sway. "I don't know-" "I'll pay you $5,0000. Cash." I confessed. His eyes widened. "$2,500 for showing up. $1,500 for autographs and another $1,000 if you take some selfies. You know' - the girls thing. Selfies, heh." I paused, my eyes growing darker as they remained hidden behind Aviator shades. "What do ya' say? We got a deal?" Swiftly changing tunes, "You know what, don't sweat the decision now. There's a lot of politics in sports, I'm old. I know it." I waved my hand in typical Italian fashion. "You gotta' business card or somethin'?" "Uh, nah but I can give you my number-" Perfect. A rich white kid, hot-shot jock, AND a moron. This was too easy. Handing him the photo, he retrieved a pen from his pocket and jotted down his digits. "Wow, thanks man. I appreciate you considering this." I waved the photograph of "Nakoma" and slipped it back into my wallet. "I'll give you a call something this week. Talk it over with your coach or manager or whoever you kids report to, heh." I put my hand out for him to shake again, "And nice meeting you again."

—   —   —  

I found myself roaming the halls of University of Oregon on my attempt to exit the campus. My curious mind sent me further and further into the campus maze - a prestigious multitude of buildings and intricate floor plans; each with its own purpose, meaning, and unique design. Deep in UofO, I stumbled upon the Department of Fine Arts. The halls were brimming from floor-to-ceiling with murals and artwork. Slowing my pace, I stopped to appreciate the work. I had always had an affinity to for paintings. My eye had always found itself drawn to the color red. Red. My dark irises wandered the walls, finally pulling towards a large, 5 foot canvas. It soared above me - dazzling in its ocean of red. The painting was of a woman, presumably dripping in blood. A sort of, Queen of the Damned. Intrigued, my eyes shifted to the small plaque stuck to the wall by the corner of the artwork. Nicola Strom. My stomach sunk as my heart skipped a beat. "Crucifixion." The words rolled off of my lips. My head retracted slowly as my eyes closed. "Mmmm."

—   —   —  

January 20th, 2018 - Five days after release. Eugene, Oregon had been unusually warm for January. For the most part, it was sunny and rainy on-and-off, with an average high temperature of 45 degrees F. Too warm for snow. At least, not enough sub-zero temperatures to keep it for more than a couple days, anyways. Luckily for this lovely Saturday evening, the rain had stopped early morning and the skies were greeted by a brightening sun. Kyle parked his Trail-Rated Jeep cruiser in front of the colonial-century home, red-bricked mansion. He ducked his head, looking over the place with his pale eyes as he took in the sheer size of the place. Although Eugene was home to old money - big money - it was also commonly inhabited by the middle class. Whoever owned this place... wasn't a white-collar, middle class citizen. Exiting his truck, he approached the front door, which was lavishly decorated with a Sweet-Sixteen balloon bundle. A clear indication he was at the right house. As he rang the doorbell, it only took a few seconds before he was greeted by a familiar face. "Mr. Turner." I said, standing tall with my hand cemented firmly on the back of the door. It was the first time he was seeing my hazel-speckled brown eyes. It was also the last. "Cute." I blurted, subliminally mocking his uniformed self as my eyes gazed over his full-football get-up. Shredded sleeves to show his pectoral muscles. How sleazy. Helmet and all. How sweet. "Come join the fun." I smirked, guiding him through the front door. "But maybe take off the helmet." Chuckling, Turner cracked a smile as he took a step into the house - which was, unsuspectingly, filled with the sound of laughing girls. "Too much, huh?" Kyle joked, unclasping the helmet and slipping his head free. His back was to me as I closed the door. "I thought mayb-" The moment he turned to face me, my hand - hidden behind the door the entire time - swung straight for his head. A thin medical syringe pierced into the side of his neck - administered by my right hand - Gloved. Protected. Injecting the cocktail of muscle relaxants, Kyle quickly deteriorated in a matter of seconds. His initial reaction to grab for my hand, but by the time he could react - it was already too late. He was losing almost all of his muscle ability. One. Two. Three. He hit the ground, unable to move, unable to moan, unable to call for help. With his body curled in the middle of the hallway, his eyes remained open - panicked. Looking down at his 6'1, 200 pound physique - which had been reduced to nothing in just seconds - I shook my head. Pathetic. His eyes followed my every move. He was conscious. Awake. Aware. I stepped over him and walked past him like he didn't even exist. Stepping into my living room, I smiled at the sound of giggling teenage girls filled the open-concept space. Walking over to the stereo system, I grabbed the remote and clicked - Off. Silence. Girls? What girls. There were no girls. Returning to his paralyzed figure, I crouched down to brood over him. I tilted my head to the side and grabbed his face between my gloved thumb and fingers. Squeezing his limp cheeks between them as I leaned his head to look at me. "Oh, Kyle." I made clicking noises with the back of my tongue. "Remember her?" Pulling a photograph from my back pocket - Sarah Ward. "Yeahhhhh." I flicked the photo in his face, nearly submitting to my urge to spit on him. "You're gonna die tonight." There was a dark, unforgiving grimace that crept my cheeks. "And it's gonna fuckin' hurt." Two, single-drop tears fell from the corners of his eyes. Hours had passed. Daylight turned to dark as night loomed over the city. Darkness was here. And it didn't come from the sky, nor the sun. Using Kyle's keys, I exited the mansion on the quiet, quaint street. E 22nd Avenue - a large strip of homes graciously spread apart; separated by the comfort of many, decades-old trees. I pulled the vehicle into the long driveway, reversing it rear-forward all the way to the side of the house. Two garage doors welcomed the Jeep, closing behind the front of it. It remained utterly hidden, safe within the confines of the home's garage. It would remain there until 3:45 in the morning, and a storm was brewing. The sound of the garage door sliding gurgled as it swayed open. Keeping the lights of the Jeep off, I placed it into drive and pulled it out of my driveway. The garage door closed behind me automatically, dismissing any evidence it had ever harbored a crime scene. My heart remained regular - beating as it would driving any other vehicle, on any other day, under any other circumstances. Humming, I drove the few blocks between the mansion and the University Campus. The Jeep came to the vehicle entrance of the Oregon Autzen Football Stadium. Like everything within the Performance Center, it required a swipe card to be unlocked and accessed. Holding out Kyle Tuner's card, I flicked it between the pad and waited. Flashing green, the gates to the field slid open. Although forbidden to bring any vehicles directly on to the terrain, it was 3:50 in the morning, on a Saturday. Too late for any players to be hangin' around during off-season, and too early for any maintenance workers or cleaners to begin their services. It was pitch-black, and between the sticky snow and the blowing winds - visibility was poor. Reversing the trail-rated wrangler, I slowly backed it up on to the field, parking the trunk of the vehicle directly in front of the brightly-yellow painted goal-post. Exiting the vehicle, I was dressed from head-to-toe in Kyle's football uniform, with the addition of a black long-sleeved T-shirt underneath. No tattoos were visible. Virtually nothing about me was recognizable. For all intensive purposes, I could very well be Kyle Turner. Unlatching the trunk, it swooshed open. There lay the true Kyle Turner. The flesh and blood. And there was a lot of blood. Taking the thick, twisted rope in my hand, I ran it from the back of the truck to the goalpost. Tossing it over the post's T-center, I caught it back in my hand and ran it back to the truck. The end of the rope was supported by a curled grappling hook. Kneeling behind the trunk, I fastened the hook to the hitch on the Jeep and found my way back to the driver's seat. Pushing the gears into drive, I slowly began to inch the vehicle forward until the rope strained - pulling viciously with the weight. Metal to the floor, I forced the truck into overdrive, suddenly gunning it forward and sending the object in the trunk to veer out of the vehicle. Decelerating the tracks, I watched in my review mirror as the item - two strong planks of crossed wood - reeled up against the T in the yellow goalpost. As it mounted to perfect height, I slammed the Jeep in park, and swiftly - excitedly- hopped out of the truck. It started slow at first, my heavy, rumbling laughter. But it evolved, soon developing into a magnified, thrill-infused maniacal cackle. Victory.

—   —   —   January 21st, 2018 - The Discovery. The lights to the stadium flickered on - lighting the dark early-morning. The sun would not rise for another hour. And for a group of football jocks mucking their way to football practice, it would be a morning they would never forget. Wailing. Loud, incessant, uncontrollable wailing. The sound of screaming echoed throughout the stadium; hair-raising in its velocity, and intensity. The scene brought a grown, 21-year old man to his knees. Vomit projected from his chapped lips as he puked vehemently on the immaculate, freshly-snowed grass - staining it flaxen. It brought a wave of nausea to the entire team. Some cried, some collapsed, some gagged, heaved, hurled. But most... most stood in shock. Hailed before them was the body of Christ - a crucifixion of their most valued team member. There lay the body of Kyle Turner, naked and colorless, with only the stain of bleeding red that covered his postmortem flesh. His genitals were mutilated. His penis split in three different directions. He had been completely castrated; his balls were absent entirely from his groin. An indescribable amount of blood has been loss at its expense, leaving a blood-pour of red human serous to cascade down his legs. Cause of death? Blood loss. Slow, agonizing, harrowing blood loss. The cross hung from the center of the goalpost, the snow beneath his purple-faded feet red with blood. His hands were staked on either side; his ankles crossed and tied. His neck - the same color as his bruised toes - was mounted by barbed wire. His head bore the same fate - crowned like that of Christ with blood trickling from his scalp. RAPIST - Carved with a knife in to his forehead. SINNER - The words dripped from his abdomen in crusting blood, beginning to harden... but still moist. Fresh. —   —   —   "Shocking news this morning on KVAL-13." Smitha George - Live News Reporter, would announce on national television. "A tragedy has occurred at University of Oregon. Senior Football Quarterback Kyle Turner, Star of the Oregon Ducks, was found brutally murdered at the campus stadium." She would go on, standing unshaken in the parking lot of the Performance Center. "Police have ruled the case a homicide after teammates found Tuner's mutilated body crucified on the goal-post of the end field." Spilling too much information for her own good - reporters classically interfered with investigations; often jeopardizing their efforts. "His hands and feet were reportedly pinned to a wooden cross, and his head wrapped in barb wire. Teammates report that the words "Rapist" and "Sinner" were carved on his body..." "... And that his eyes and lips were painted red, with blood." "Turner's vehicle, a Black 2017 Jeep Wrangler - was found abandoned at the scene. Police are looking for any information that may aid their efforts in solving this terrible case." She paused, staring into the camera as her words fed into the lives of millions of Oregon residents. "I'm Smitha George, reporting LIVE for KVAL-13 News." The clip ended.

[cycyno]

Aaaaaaand once again I got tagged do to a little random shuffling songlist! This time by my beautiful fiance @trshlrd​ ♥ I’m going to list 10 shuffled songs from my phone and will write down my favorite parts of each song.

HERE WE GO

1. Oomph! - “Wer schön sein will muss leiden”

Okay wow. So first of, the english title would be “Who wants to be beautiful must suffer” It’s from one of the few german bands I listen to and the band it’self, just like their lyrics are kind of rammstein-ish. I really like their songs though, especially since they go really deep and also have a freaky kind of ring to everything (all of them kinda satire). This was one of the first songs I knew of them. The text is pretty wild to be honest, so I’m writing down basically all of it

German Text:

Wer schön sein will muss leiden, mein Kind Die Welt wird dich beneiden, mein Kind Weißt du nicht: Wer seine Seele an die Hölle verkauft Wird immer jung sein, schön und schlank mit flachem Bauch Und ich weiß das willst du auch

Warum hast du so schlanke Beine Warum hast du so volles Haar Warum hast du so dicke Lippen Warum bist du so sonderbar

(Großmutter, Großmutter warum bist du noch so jung?)

[...] 

Hör mir zu, Wer schön sein will muss so viel Schmerz ertragen Drum schau mir bitte nicht ins Herz, mein Kind Wer schön sein will muss viele Wunden tragen Drum schau mir bitte nicht ins Herz...

[...]

Weißt du nicht, wer seinen Körper in der Hölle bestellt Bleibt immer jung, hat viel Erfolg und schwimmt im Geld Und das ist es doch was zählt

.

English Translation:

Who wants to be beautiful has to suffer, my child The world will envy you, my child Don’t you know: who sells their soul to hell Will stay young forever, beautiful and slim with a flat belly And I know you want that too

Why do you have such slim legs? Why do you have so much hair? Why do you have such thick lips? Why are you so strange?

(Grandmother, Grandmother why are you still so young?)

[...]

Listen to me, Who wants to be beautiful has to endure so much pain, So please don’t look into my heart, my child Who wants to be beautiful has to wear so many wounds So please don’t look into my heart...

[...]

Don’t you know, who orders their body in hell Stays young forever, has much succes and swims in money And that’s what counts (after all)

2. JUNE - “Pride of Tomorrow”

So I only got to know this song because I practically inhaled the D.Gray-Man anime. And I love it. The anime is just amazing and the music is as well! Always with such deep lyrics and I love it.

Japanese Text

Ushinatta mono uzumeyou to shite hazushite shimatta puraido Torimodosu yo kono ryoute de boku ni ha mieru ashita no hikari ga

Hitori asobi ni akiterumitai Kokoro no koe ha todoiteiru kai?

Yoru no michi ni mimi oshiatete Kikoeru mono sore ga kotae

Rikutsu janai kono omoi ga tashikana hitotsu no puraido Mukashi ni mita eiga mitai boku ni ha mieru ashita no jibun ga

.

English Translation

The abandoned pride those fallen have tried to bury, With these two hands of mine, I'll bring back the light of tomorrow I see.

It seems I'm tired of playing alone. Can you hear what my heart is saying?

In the dark, press your ears against the face of the road. You will hear the answer.

There's no reason. It's simply just pure pride I'm feeling, make no mistake. The future me I see is just like in the movies of old.

3. Oomph! - “Revolution”

And, again, a song I listened a lot to. Revolution was a song I got to know later on though and I still like it very much. It’s also not as much satire and offensive as the one before.

German Text

Erst wenn du laut bist, wird man dir zuhören. Und wenn sie taub sind, dann lass sie spüren.

Du stellst dich quer, machst Alarm, kämpfst für deine Vision. Was ist Schein, was ist nur Illusion. Du machst dich frei, denn du weißt sonst ist alles verloren, Nicht mit mir, das hast du dir geschworn,

Du hast die Macht. Du hast die Macht.

Du bist die Revolution, gegen den Strom, geh auf die Straße, hol dir den Lohn.

Du bist die Revolution, gegen den Strom, sing deine Lieder, Scheiß auf den Thron.

Du bist die Revolution.

Du machst nicht mit, denn die Welt scheint dir taub, stumm und blind. Lehnst den auf, stellste dich gegen den Wind. Du fragst warum, schreist heraus, was dich lange schon quält. Du bist frei, das ist alles was zählt.

.

English Translation

Only when you’re loud, they will listen to you. And if they’re deaf, then let them feel it.

You revolt, create a riot, fight for your vision What's fake, what's only illusion You free yourself because you know otherwise everything's lost Not with me, that's what you have sworn

You’ve got the power You’ve got the power

You are the revolution, against the river, Go on the streets, get your earnings

You are the revolution, against the storm, Sing your songs, shit on the throne

You are the revolution

You don't take part, and the world looks dumb, deaf, and blind to you Rebel, place yourself against the wind You ask "why," scream out loud what's been tortuing you for so long You are free, that's all that counts

4. Imogen Heap - “Speeding Cars”

I just love this song so much. It’s got a big message and every time I hear it I can’t help but sing along to it. Also I really like the sound of it so yeah.

English Text

Here's the day you hoped would never come Don't feed me violence Just run with me through rows of speeding cars The paper cuts, the cheating lovers The coffee's never strong enough I know you think it's more than just bad luck There, there baby It's just text book stuff It's in the ABC of growing up Now, now darling Oh don't lose your head 'Cause none of us were angels And you know I love you yeah

5. The Script - “Hall of Fame”

I think basically everyone knows this song. I love to listen to this song in various fandoms to be honest and just find the one person of all the characters that the song could fit to (I do that with basically every song ever so yea) It’s just super nice and I think it’s really catchy and is also kinda uplifting.

English Text

You can throw your hands up You can beat the clock You can move a mountain You can break rocks You can be a master Don't wait for luck Dedicate yourself and you can find yourself

Standing in the hall of fame And the world's gonna know your name 'Cause you burn with the brightest flame And the world's gonna know your name And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

6. The Fray - “1961″

I got to know this song in the Hetalia fandom. And I love it ever since. It has a nice ring to it and the songtext itself is just beautiful. And again, a good song to fangirl about with your favorite platonic relationships!

English Text

Two brothers in 1961 On a road 90 miles too long Someone don't want us together but We just keep on walking cause we're one, we're one I got a voice and you got a reason For the glory we sing our broken song Take a side and I'll take the other one Two brothers under one nation

7. Manowar - “Sons of Odin”

One of my favorite songs of Manowar. In general, the song just sounds super powerful in a way and just pushes one a little when taking a walk with their two pugs in the forest (i love it okay)

English Text

Here to the blaze I wander Through this black night I ponder The edge of our mighty swords Did clash Fallen by our axes Helmets smashed

Glory and fame Blood is our name Souls full of thunder Hearts of steel Killers of men Of warriors friend Sworn to avenge our fallen brothers To the end...

One day too I may fall I will enter Odin's Hall I will die sword in hand My name and my deeds will Scorch the land

8. Brothers Bright - “Blood on my Name”

A song I discovered in the Dishonored fandom and up to this point I haven’t found any fandom where this song would fit better. I love all of this. The text, the kind of luring and threatening sound of it.. mh! (This is just a style of music that I really came to like)

English Text

When the fires, when the fires are consumin' you And your sacred stars won't be guiding you I've got blood, I've got blood Blood on my name

Not a spell gonna be broken With a potion or a priest When you're cursed you're always hopin' That a prophet would be grieved

Oh, Lazarus How did your debts get paid? Oh, Lazarus Were you so afraid?

Can't you see I'm sorry I will make it worth your while Made a dead man's money You can see it in my smile

9. The Phantoms - “Into the Darkness”

First off: I’m a massive Dragon Age fan and I loved this song ever since hearing it. It gives off the whole Dragon Age vibe (i mean there’s a reason why it’s an offocial song to the game) and this is just something I really grew to love.

English Text

War is coming War is crying out The world is shaking The sky is falling down - the sky is falling down

Into the Darkness - we are one Into the Darkness - we all must run Into the Darkness - we'll burn a light Into the Darkness - we all must fight, we all must fight

10. Billy Boyd - “The Last Goodbye”

OMG I LOVE THIS SONG BEYOND MEASURES I CAN’T HDFJSLKFSDHJKFSDH it’s going to be so hard for me to even pick my favorite part of all of this. I cried so much while listening to this song (and watching the last Hobbit movie in general and AHHHH I CAN’T)

ALL OF THE FUCKING TEXT I’M SORRY

I saw the light fade from the sky On the wind I heard a sigh As the snowflakes cover my fallen brothers I will say this last goodbye

Night is now falling So ends this day The road is now calling And I must away

Over hill and under tree Through lands where never light has shone By silver streams that run down to the sea

Under cloud, beneath the stars Over snow one winter's morn I turn at last to paths that lead home And though where the road then takes me I cannot tell We came all this way But now comes the day To bid you farewell

Many places I have been Many sorrows I have seen But I don't regret Nor will I forget All who took the road with me

[...]

To these memories I will hold With your blessing I will go To turn at last to paths that lead home And though where the road then takes me I cannot tell We came all this way But now comes the day To bid you farewell

I bid you all a very fond farewell

AHH THANKS SO MUCH AGAIN FOR TAGGING ME BABSO ♥ And since I don’t know who to tag ( @we-want-a-shrubbery I know she tagged you too but whatevs)

I TAG EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO DO IT (pls tag me)

[coldlongpromises]

CHAPTER V —  I’VE GOTTA WAIT FOR YOU DIE YOUNG  Sleep was never an issue for Aderith, even through her recovery. It always came to her swiftly, bringing an intense feeling of warmth and safety. The Stromic woman had never been one for nightmares, only haunted by them in times of intense stress while her mind worked things out in overtime, so thankfully only the first few weeks of her stay in Elwynn forest were plagued by bad dreams. Months later, when Leiona departs to drink with the other priests, no real nightmares itch the inside of Addy’s skull. Instead, phantoms drift just out of reach. (1, 2, 3, 4)

She remembers a beautiful man with silver hair who tasted like arcane and made her soul ache. His face is hard to place, ever-changing and vague in detail. Feminine and masculine features blend and slide across a pale visage. The lips always curl upward into a smile that both comforts and chills the Strom. One moment, he wears heavy plate armor. The next, his garb is heavy cloth.

A hollow sadness weaves through Aderith. She finds herself standing in front of him, her left arm lofted and fingers reaching - hand lit with swirling, shimmering purple flame. Before the half-elf’s fingers can reach Addy, he vanishes. More than anything, Aderith takes away a healthy dose of frustration and a soft panic at the back of her brain.

He was important, and she cannot remember him. Not his face, not his name.

The blonde is not afraid. Not really. Confusion replaces terror, discomfort blooms instead of anxiety. Fuzzy scenes play out in front of her, settings twisting and turning like an abstract scenic painting - a dirty city pub, a half-dead forest, a rocking vessel with red and gold flags, long golden grasses, luxurious Gilnean architecture filled with expensive furniture, a place where everything was dark. Dark. Dark.

Darkness.

A whisper. The fields of blood, the fields of blood, the fields of blood.

Faces form and vanish, too fast to process fully. When Aderith turns, makes an effort to move as far from the unsettling rush of information, her feet seem rooted. She should know these people, but none of them ring a bell. Their names are all on the tip of her tongue, bundling together and creating a hot knot in her throat. Tears threaten to overflow past her waterline, breath fast and panicked - silent in the nothingness.

Saul and Rickard’s faces stall her panic. They linger, as if aware that they’ve been recognized, both massive men sliding thick arms around Aderith’s back. She has never forgotten them, her brothers, their identical shapes are always easy to conjure. Even after Argus, they were guaranteed. Their presence slows her breathing. Rickard brings his hand up to squeeze her shoulder reassuringly. Saul pinches her the naked underside of her arm. Annoying.

There is a certain degree of incompleteness that still unsettles Aderith, despite the presence of  the Stromic duo. A gnawing knowledge that while her brothers complete a set of sorts, she is a ghost lacking a similar reflection. Even as Addy flashes on the homestead, her father and mother’s faces early in the morning before their first meal of the day, there is an empty seat, the bed beside her own in their lofty attic bedroom vacant.

Her breath quickens. Left in the darkness, the blonde fishes for the answer. Just like the identities of her earlier visitors, it sits at the front of her mouth and refuses to gather into a complete thought. Instead, a loneliness spreads across her insides from a deep place inside of the Stromic woman. A missing piece. Frustrated, Aderith balls her fingers into her palms. In the blackness, there is nothing to destroy. Teeth grit together hard, making her head pound.

In the far distance, another large shape approaches her at an almost impossibly slow gait. It is a man, built like her father, with wide broad shoulders. He is important, too. She remembers him, but only in bits. Fingers uncurl from their fists as slowly as the figure moves toward her. He has dark hair, he makes her smile often, he brings the same kind of warmth and safety that sleep does. A breath of relief snakes out of her trembling lips. Aderith has, thus far, kept the tears at bay.

When she remembers his willpower, he speeds his stride. This man is capable of burying his intense anger, the thing that threatens to push him over the edge. His self-control is something Aderith admires, she remembers, not only as a core principle when they fought side-by-side in combat but as a grounding, necessary attribute he could not survive without.

The frustrated, confused tears that flooded her eyes melt away as the figure nears. He is her favorite person. Massive arms wrap her newly lean, skinny, soft body and draw Aderith up. Some things are as fuzzy as others, as blurry, but he is the only thing she can recall with clarity. When he pulls back, Addy takes in his worried brows and the way his lips part to ask where she’d gone.

Alasdair.

She wakes to darkness and Leiona’s face looming over her, eyes wide with new fear.

“We have to go,” the priestess whispers.

[raspberryjones]

2017, In Review

If I am being honest, the #1 thing I will remember about 2017 is the one thing I want to forget about it: the rage and the hatred — specifically, my rage and my hatred. It had an intensity I’d never previously experienced, and hope never to again. But, of course, it is incorrect to place this emotion in the past. My anger has only slightly dissipated, and continues to burn every damn day. That said, it hasn’t just been a corrosive force, but a teaching tool as well, demonstrating that hatred born, suddenly and intensely, of a particular target and singular focus, can easily spread outwards, and will sooner or later turn back in on its source. Which is where I find myself now, exhausted and no better off.

I write this as a pre-amble to my list of favorite music/art because that is this year’s context - because this time around, the culture I admired, was inspired by and engaged with had to serve a (slightly?) different purpose. Or, maybe, a more intense one. There's always the question of how much a critical ear is guided by personal circumstances, and how much by social influence; it is a partner to the artistic process, always has and always will be. (One reason I continually dismiss the recurrent “end of criticism” jeremiads, because the doomsayers are merely writing obituaries for a particular process of thought or distribution system, rather than the art of the crit itself.)

But once I found some semblance of sea legs to ride through the current epoch — “some semblance,” because I believe not a single living creature shall escape The Now unaffected — I recognized a need for another critical way of looking at how/what we create, and at the purpose behind which we creatively consume. A way of seeing and hearing that not only anticipates the narrative but also lays groundwork for its next chapter. This is, of course, an imperfect measure, because culture doesn’t move in predictable directions, and almost any 20-20 prophet is likely to either be a speculator or a fool. Often, but not always.

Yet, if there was one underlying principle that guided me in 2017, it is to try and understand of what will come after the anger and the hate. Some of the answers were aspirational, some of them were reflexive, and others filled in important parts of the backstory that were missed because I was too busy paying attention to the shiny expensive things in the store window. Maybe it’s just an exercise of trying to steer the anger towards a more useful place.

(Image: Cauleen Smith, “I Have Nothing Left To Give,” flag at the Whitney Biennial 2017)

My 20 Favorite New Albums & EPs (alpha order): Beast, Vol. 1 & Vol. 2 (Pre-Echo) - Koen Holtkamp in Reichian techno mode Bitchin Bajas, Bajas Fresh (Drag City) - more here Brooklyn Raga Massive, Terry Riley: In C (Northern Spy) - back to the source Caterina Barbieri, Patterns of Consciousness (Important) - synth minimalism Celestial Trax, Nothing is Real (Purple Tape Pedigree) - if Dummy was now Delia Gonzalez, Horse Follows Darkness (DFA) - more here Earthgang, Rags (Spillage Village) - new ATLiens Four Tet, New Energy (Text) - more here Hampshire & Foat, Galaxies Like Grains of Sand (Athens of the North) - soft-focus apocalypse with improv Hypnotic Brass Ensemble, Book of Sound (Honest Jon’s) - brass as lense Ibeyi, Ash (XL) - now that’s what I call “pop” Jack Peoples, Laptop Cafe (Clone) - Drexciyan discoveries Jlin, Black Origami (Planet Mu) - more here Kaitlyn Aurelia Smith, The Kid (Western Vinyl) - more here Kendrick Lamar, Damn. (TDE) - legendary status Mr. Mitch, Devout (Planet Mu) - more here Ragnar Grippe, Sand (Dais)** - art-gallery percussion and minimalism    UMFANG, Symbolic Use of Light (Ninja Tune) - ambient minimal techno turns Vijay Iyer Sextet, Far From Over (ECM) - when funk veers 

(** officially a reissue, but originally a minutely pressed 1977 record, and its impact on me this year was oversized - possibly the single long-playing recording I most listened-to this year - thank you Adam.)

More (New LPs & EPs, Comps, Reissues): Alice Coltrane, The Ecstatic Music of Alice Coltrane Turiyasangitananda (Luaka Bop) // Banana, Live (Leaving) // Bjørn Torske & Prins Thomas, Square One (Smalltown Supersound) //  Carlos Nino & Friends, Going Home (Leaving) // Call Super, Arpo (Houndstooth) // Colleen, “a flame my love, a frequency” (Thrill Jockey) // Courtney Barnett & Kurt Vile, Lotta Sea Lice (Matador) // Dawit, Loose Joints vol. 1 (Soundcloud) // DJ Python, Dulce Compañia (Incienso) //  DJ Sports, Modern Species (Firecracker) // Dominique Lawalree, First Meeting (Ergot) // Hector Zazou, Bony Bikaye & Cy1, Noir Et Blanc (Crammed) // Hello Skinny, Watermelon Sun (Brownswood) // Hieroglyphic Being, Sarathy Korwar & Shabaka Hutchings, “a.r.e. project” (Ninja Tune) // Ifriqiyya Electrique, Rûwâhîne (Glitterbeat) // James Holden, The Animal Spirits (Border Community) // Jay Glass Dubs, Dubs (Ecstatic) // Joshua Abrams & National Information Society, Simultonality (Eremite) // Kelly Lee Owens, “s/t” (Smalltown Supersound) // Laraaji, Bring on the Sun (All Saints) // Les Filles De Illighadad, Eghass Malan (Sahel Sounds) // Moses Boys, Absolute Zero (Exodus) // Nicole Mitchell, Mandorla Awakening II: Emerging Worlds (FPE Records) // Pauline-Anne Strom, Trans-Millenia Music (RVNG) // Rainforest Spiritual Enslavement, Ambient Black Magic (Hospital Productions) // Roscoe Mitchell, Bells For the South Side (ECM) // Sudan Archives, "s/t” (Stones Throw) // Tom Rogerson & Brian Eno, Finding Shore (Dead Oceans) // Vorhees, Black Horse Pike (Styles Upon Styles) // Yasuaki Shimizu, Kakashi (Palto Flats) // Zara MacFarlane, Arise (Brownswood) // VA, Outro Tempo: Electronic And Contemporary Music From Brazil 1978-1992 (Music For Memory) // VA, Ron Trent pres. Prescription: Word, Sound & Power (Rush Hour) // VA, Ultimate Kwaito Hits (Universal South Africa)

Other Musical Year-End Summations I Produced or Contributed To: NPR Music: Our Favorite Dance & Electronic Albums of 2017 The Lot Radio: The Morning After Show - “The Year, After” episode Also: NPR Music: 50 Best Albums of 2017 NPR Music: 100 Best Songs of 2017

Three 2017 Playlists (Spotify): 2017 Raspberry Tunes - verse-chorus-verse, etc. 2017 Raspberry Trax - the dance-floor experience 2017 Raspberry Works - the “Morning After Show”/post-genre headspace

Seven 2017 Stories (I Wrote, Edited and/or Produced): Songs We Love: Ron Trent Shares Some Deep House ‘History’ (NPR Music) Philip Glass on Listening (and Composing) at 80 (Sonos) Give It Up For DJ Blackface (NPR Code Switch) Jazz Master, Humble Badass: Remembering Geri Allen (AFROPUNK) First Listen: Kaitlyn Aurelia Smith, 'The Kid' (NPR Music) How Vangelis’s Cult Blade Runner Score Became a Classic (Vulture) 'There Is No Done': Gavin Rayna Russom On The Dialogue Between Creation And Identity (NPR Music)

Maximum Impact (books, shows, songs, sites, memes): Anna Wise  // Arthur Jafa, “Love is the Message, the Message is Death” // B+, “Ghost Notes” // Bandcamp // “Black Radical Women 1965-85″ // Black Thought, “Funk Flex Freestyle” // Bottle Tree, “Open Secret” // Cardi B, “Bodak Yellow” // Carl Craig, “Domina (Versus version)” // Christian Scott Adjuah (feat. Elena Pinderhughes), “Encryption” // Devin Allen, “A Beautiful Ghetto” // Discwoman // Detroit Gospel Reissue project // Four Tet summer residency @ Analog Brooklyn // Geri Allen RIP // Goldie, “Redemption” // Jamie 3:26, “Testify” // James Baldwin // Jessie Reyez // Jim O’Rourke, “Fast Car” // Kara Walker, “Sikkema Jenkins and Co. is Compelled to present The most Astounding and Important Painting show of the fall Art Show viewing season!” // Kamasi Washington & A.G. Rojas, “Harmony of Difference” // Kaytranada // Khalil Joseph // KH, “Question” // John Akomfrah // “The Left-Overs” // London’s “jazz” scene // Neva’s playlist // Prospect 4 New Orleans // Rashaad Newsome (at DLectricity) // Ruth Azawa // Smithsonian National Museum of African American History and Culture // “Sonic Rebellion: Music as Resistance” (MOCAD) // South African house // The Lot Radio

[wolfy58]

1839 August Friday 30

Got up 6 ¾   Went to bed 12 5/..

Fine morning but dullish and windy F 59 1/2° at 7 ½ a.m. poor Adney complained of  pain last night left shoulder – bad – regular rheumatism – tied a wollen stocking round it this morning – breakfast at 8 ½ and over at 8 50/.. – very comfortable here – everything good and abundant – coffee particulary good – perhaps the best we have had in Sweden –

 Sent off forbud last night that we might be able to reach Falun in good time without hurrying off this morning – the morning was sunny between 6 and 7 and finer than now – off at 9 33/.. – at very near 10 (1/2 miles from Overanssö) at top of hill fine view over wide expanse of country and Nasby sjö (Naseby shoo) fine large peninsular-parted inland lake the extreme distance everywhere shut in by dark pine forest – the white steeple of our church at Ovanssö seen distinctly, scattered hamlets and farms as far as one can see – literally the North of Sweden seems more populous than the South parts that we have seen and more foresty and laky and pretty and picturesque?

 Off again in 7 minutes at 10 5/.. – nice drive – forest begins here at the point de vue – at Solberga at 11 10/.. forest almost all the way with scattered hamlets or little farms and solitairy barns, good white washed church and scattered village at a little distance from our station, small neat looking place with 2 or 3 cottages near – the country north of Upsala more picturesque and better farmed then before – here at Solberga we are near pine-wooded (forest) ranges of hill – much of the rud-like moss on the stones today in the forest on boulder stones lying along the road sides – 1st observed in the forests in the afternoon as we drove from Österby (Dannemora) on Wednesday

 Limpa bread that I like so much

 Hops (and prunus padus common in Sweden) today and yesterday – today rye looking well – 3 inches out of the ground – beautiful drive these 2 miles – (at 1 29/..) to Rörshytta as spelt at the station – forset and break and fine wooded hill and hamlets, farms and cottages – beautiful lake (left) soon after the station – there at 12 ¾

 To 2 10/.. we cotoyent (right) large wooded islandy, indented very beautiful lake (greenshaw lake) to the village of Shär-ran-söön – baron Strom-steern has a large white chateau and iron forge here and here (left) a higher water like a broad river soon extending (left) into another pretty lake that supplies the mills (forge wheels) good picturesque scattered village – nice little church – white splashed and red village – the other villages dark red-smeared with white window frames as usual – waited to write the above and en route again now at 1 42/.. – lake (right) and forest – hilly – foresty laky and lovely today – wrote this as we walk our horses up a hill – rocky forest – this stage hilly – sunny and fine since about noon or rather after till about 2 then dull but fair – beautiful drive to Smedby at 3 – hilly and sandy – much and heavy rain has lately fallen on the road – Smedby very picturesque scattered good village – large handsome white washed church – picturesque nice little red station-house – might sleep here and at the last station for both look tidy – good clean farming and land well cleared of stones – corn about ½ housed and about ½ in stook and some yet to cut – no wheat – rye almost all housed – chiefly oats and barley out and chiefly oats to cut – large herd of cows 1st stage going to a fair chiefly white (little) cows – worth about 30 rigs dollars a piece –

 Off again at 3 – had entered Dalecarlia about ¼ hour before Smedby – beautiful drive from thence – these wooded hills of Dalecarlia very beautiful – the dark pine relived by the light birch – much birch here floating bridge just out of Smedby – and at 3 ¾ toll gate – broad river to cross by another floating bridge just below the gate where the toll 2 sk. B. as before was for the bridge – bridge about 6 yards wide and 40 or 50 long? beautiful view on both sides the bridge – the station house at Uppbo neat but small close to the other end of the bridge – the view from this  bridge next in beauty to Swinesund ferry (near Westgaard)

 Off again at 4 and soon after sunny again – beautiful drive – hilly – forest and 2 or 3 little lakes and fine valley – difficult to say which stage today most beautiful always excepting the fine lake

Here Strand at 15[?] 13/.. – the clock later – the horses orderd for 5 ½ and not come my watch ¼ too late at the last stage nice enough station house here – could sleep very well – alighted – me writing very comfortably in a room upstairs – it was near here Strand (scattered village station house standing quite at one end) that Gustavus Wasa was concealed when nearly discovered by the Dane – what a beautiful picture might be made of the lake and wooded hills and fine valley as a back ground to the cottage and Gustaf Wasa – beautiful sunny evening now at 5 35/.. and beautiful sunset – beautiful drive the great part of the way thro’ forest – more scotch than spurce – beautiful lake up – up to the river at Falun – exactly ½ way at 6 35/.. a copper fonderie, the 1st we have seen – another in about ½ hour and then a 3d in about ½ hour more – good handsome looking brick church and large place and white washed town hall forming a great part of one side of it – then cross the river over long wooden bridge and alight at our Inn at 8 40/.. – 2 good bedrooms – mine opening into a large very good salle à manger – we are in clover – writing till supper now at 9 35/.. fried little fish and veal cutlets and little pancakes, all very good – then coffe and sat talking till now 10 35/.. – fine day – F 60 ¼ at 11 p.m.

 In margin:                         Overanssö

 Ann’s rheumatism

 fine view –

 red rud-like moss

 limpa bread

 Dalecarlia

 1st floating bridge near Smedby 2nd at Uppbo and view next in beauty to Swinesund ferry

 Fahlu

[wristwatchjournal]

Recap – 5 Things I Discovered When Visiting Raketa in Russia (And How Different It Is From Switzerland)

Not so long ago, we talked to you about Raketa and a pretty cool watch the brand launched, a tribute to the famous Polar exploration watches done in the early 1970s. But that wasn’t all. With a flight ticket in my hand, and Back In The U.S.SR. from The Beatles in my ears (I know, total cliché), I flew to Saint Petersburg and I visited the Raketa movement manufacture. I’ve visited well over 40 watch manufactures in my career, mostly in Switzerland and Germany… But nothing that can compare to what I’ve seen in Russia. A truly unique experience, an eye-opener, fascinating, unusual, emotional, nostalgic, touching, sometimes slightly melancholic but always human. 

Raketa…

The Raketa Watch Factory, founded by Emperor Peter the Great in 1721, is Russia’s oldest factory still active today. Created first to cut semi-precious stones to adorn the Royal family’s palaces (and then known as the Imperial Lapidary Factory), it was, under the Soviet era, transformed into a watchmaking company. First by delivering jewel bearings for manufactures, then becoming a movements and watches factory.

As of 1949, watches were produced under the names Zvezda et Pobeda by the Petrodvorets Watch Factory in Saint Petersburg. The major turning point occurred in 1961 when the brand Raketa was launched. On 13 April 1961, Yuri Gagarin made the first manned flight in outer space onboard rocket Vostok 1. In honour of this achievement, the Petrodvorets Watch Factory named its watches “Rocket” Raketa in Russian. From the early 1960s until the late 1980s, Raketa would be one of the world’s leading watch manufactures. Raketa watches were produced for the Red Army, the Soviet Navy, and for North Pole expeditions, as well as for civilians. In the 1970s the factory produced about five million mechanical watches per year.

The historical Petrodvorets Watch Factory, not used anymore. The Raketa watches are currently produced a few metres away.

The dissolution of the USSR and uncontrolled privatizations were dramatic for Russia’s production facilities, including the local watchmaking industry, which was almost decimated. Still, for the last few years now, a team of passionate people, led by British, French and Swiss entrepreneurs have decided to restore Raketa to its former glory – maybe not in terms of numbers, but in terms of watchmaking, with true “Made in Russia” watches, including entire movements made in-house.

And here are 5 unusual facts I’ve discovered when visiting Raketa in Saint Petersburg, Russia.

1 – There’s a Choral… Yes, A Choral!

We start with something that has nothing to do with watchmaking, but that says a lot on what to expect when visiting Raketa. Some European watch brand might have their own soccer/football teams or a works council that organises trips for employees�� children… Raketa has something else, something a bit outdated, properly unusual, very nostalgic and touching at the same time: a choral.

While we were visiting the ateliers, David Henderson-Stewart, the man at the head of Raketa now, took his phone out of his pocket and gave a call to one of the women you see in the video above, a sort of matriarch who represents the retired employees of the manufacture. And in less than an hour, she managed to gather over 10 of her sisters in arms, all dressed up in traditional costumes and ready to perform the in-house choral. Clearly, this isn’t something you’ll see in Switzerland…

2 – Almost all the movement parts are done in-house

The concept of in-house or manufacture movement has been a great argument for Swiss and German brands for the past two decades. A sort of must-have for any brand that wants to demonstrate its savoir-faire and gain respect on a horological level. However… this in-house notion is vague and isn’t clearly defined by fixed rules and requirements. In fact, almost no brand can claim to make a movement 100% internally. Some parts are almost always out-sourced (for obvious reasons). However, Raketa isn’t located in the Swiss mountains and doesn’t have access to the same network as Swiss brands… That means finding solutions.

One important factor with Raketa is that the movements are almost entirely produced internally, to the exception of certain parts (such as jewels or ball bearings for instance). Plates, bridges, screws, wheels, springs, oscillating weights, balances or even escape wheels are produced in this manufacture, in the most traditional way. From raw material to finished product, everything is performed internally, even the plating or galvanisation of the parts that are done in a small atelier near the manufacture, by a lady with Ray-Ban glasses and a cigarette in her mouth – really… this is something special.

3 – And that includes the hairspring!

One of the most crucial parts of a watch movement is the hairspring, the small circular spring that allows the balance to move back and forth – in short, the beating heart of a watch. There are probably a handful of Swiss watch brands that craft hairspring in-house, and another handful of external suppliers that deliver the rest of the industry. Seeing them made in-house is quite exceptional since the production process is complex, time-consuming and requires multiple steps – drawing, rolling, cutting, coiling, pairing, pinning/soldering, poising and shaping the terminal curve (a process we explained in details here). That’s what it takes to transform a 1mm wire into a 60-micron concentric spring that will guarantee the precision of the watch.

As said, seeing this being performed in Swiss or German manufactures is already quite an event. But like the rest of the parts of the movement, Raketa makes its own hairspring internally, the old-school way – no CNC, no laser-controlled tools, no ultra-advanced technology here. It is done with the means at their disposal (post-WWII machines), with a certain cleverness and the experience of a century-old manufacture. If not cutting-edge, it is still remarkable.

4 – It’s a trip back in time

Forget about the clinical manufacture of IWC. Forget about the massive plants of Rolex or Patek Philippe. Forget about the rooms full with dozens of CNC machines, as you’ll find in Chevenez, TAG Heuer’s movement manufacture. Forget about the ultra-advanced Master Chronometer laboratory developed by Omega. Forget about the beautiful yet modern ateliers of Armin Strom. Or the high-end skills performed at Breguet. Raketa reminds you what watchmaking was back in the 1940s or 1950s when women and men – and not computers – were crafting parts of a movement.

So certainly, visiting Raketa won’t be a refined, luxurious experience. However, it has something else, a soul, an outdated charm, a feeling of simplicity combined to cleverness. Machines are old, full of oil and noisy. But they work, they are maintained so the parts can be produced and the movements assembled.

Visiting a manufacture in Switzerland or in Germany is something I’d recommend to anyone interested in watches. It’s a must in a collector’s life. And in the same vein, if you visit Russia one day, I can only recommend going to Saint Petersburg and visit Raketa. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and something you won’t forget.

5 – It’s more human than anything else I’ve seen before

Last but not least… This is certainly the most human experience I had when visiting a watch manufacture. The living memory of the brand is here, in the head and heart of the people that have worked there for decades and still today make this possible. No caption here, just some devoted employees who live for Russian watchmaking.

More details at raketa.com.

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[tripstations]

Sealife encounters around the world: readers’ travel tips | Travel

Winning tip: Farne Islands, Northumberland

This May, my boyfriend and I took a boat trip to the Farne Islands, off the coast of Northumberland. We were hoping to see some sea birds and I was expecting to see a puffin or two, if we were lucky. But we saw guillemots, Arctic terns, fulmars, shags, razorbills, kittiwakes and hundreds of puffins. We also spotted grey seals lounging on the rocks. My expectations were already blown out of the water, but then on the return journey we came across a pod of bottlenose dolphins. The captain did a handbrake turn and they jumped alongside the boat. As a child I adored dolphins but had never seen them in the wild– it was such a magical moment and so unexpected. • Farne island boat trips at National Trust website Ellen

Humpback whales, Madagascar

A humpback whale breaching off Île Sainte-Marie, Madagascar. Photograph: Paolo Torchio/Barcroft Media

With two friends I was on the last lap of an adventure in Madagascar, spending a few days relaxing on Nosy Boraha (also called Île Sainte-Marie). We took a canoe out to the sea to get closer to migrating humpback whales, and noticed a mother and calf in the distance breaching from the water. After a few minutes they disappeared, leaving the three of us scanning the horizon for signs of movement. Suddenly, a few feet from our canoe, the huge eye of the mother appeared, deep, black, and staring straight at us. She was giving us the once-over and, deciding we were not a threat, she rolled over to reveal her calf, nestled against her belly. We sat for a while, gazing, and then they dived, turning into hazy smudges as they disappeared. William

Every week we ask our readers for recommendations from their travels. A selection of tips will be featured online and may appear in print, and the best entry each week (as chosen by Tom Hall of Lonely Planet) wins a £200 voucher from hotels.com. To enter the latest competition visit the readers’ tips homepage

Orcas, Orkney

An orca seen off northern Scotland. Photograph: G Leaper/HWDT

“Orcas!” shouted Dave, a Stromness resident, our friend and host. Having been notified on his Orkney cetacean alert app, he was glued to his telescope, viewing a pod of six orcas in Stromness harbour. “Looks like they are moving towards the coast, get in the car!” Slinging on our warmest waterproofs, we raced down to the Point of Ness via the campsite and arrived as the pod rounded the headland. The two adults guided their four young on their breakfast fishing spree along the coast at Guardhouse Park. As they headed off up the coast out of sight, we headed back for our own breakfasts, elated. Beverley Cattermole

Great white sharks, Cape Town

A great white shark hunting for seal off Simon’s Town, just south of Cape Town. Photograph: Alamy

A couple of years ago I was in Cape Town for a wedding. The city is one of the best places in the world for spotting great white sharks, and we hopped on a conservation boat with some PhD students studying great whites’ behaviour in Hout Bay. The boat took us to Seal Island, about 20 minutes out. Around 30,000 seals were crammed on to what was essentially a very large rock. Deafened by the noise of the seals, we watched as great whites started circling the island, picking off young seals one by one. The sheer power of the sharks was intense. To top the trip off, we were followed by a pod of around 20 dolphins on the way back to shore and spotted a Bryde’s whale descending. Incredible experience. Neil

Turtles, Barbados

A female leatherback turtle heads back to the Caribbean Sea after nesting. Photograph: National Geographic/Alamy

In Barbados it is not uncommon to see hawksbill, green and leatherback sea turtles, but you are normally surrounded by dozens of other tourists, especially if you are on any kind of organised trip. For an altogether more relaxing swim with the likelihood of encountering these magnificent creatures, I often head to Carlisle Bay early in the morning. At that time of the day everyone is at the far ends of the beach and the tourist boats are nowhere to be seen. We have spent many a peaceful hour snorkelling around the shipwreck and coral, almost always in the company of a handful of sea turtles and huge shoals of reef fish. Kirsty Yeomans

Rockpools, Fuerteventura

Rockpools on the coast of Fuerteventura in the Canary Islands. Photograph: Alamy

Is there anything more captivating than a rock pool? Discovering these miniature ecosystems on a holiday in Corralejo, Fuerteventura, took me straight back to my childhood. Aged five, crouching on a Cornish beach, prodding anemones and scooping more sand than sea life into a bucket, life couldn’t have been more glorious. Now older, I’ve recaptured that pleasure, spotting tiny hermit crabs, suckerfish and curious little beautifully coloured blennies. Transparent shrimp tickled my feet as they investigated me, and crabs emerged from their rocky shelters to graze on algae. I could have spent hours watching all these fascinating little creatures. Robyn

Otter, Isle of Skye

‘The otter was too engrossed to notice us.’ Photograph: Pete Davis

There was a hissing sound like an angry cat and I looked up to see my first British otter in the wild – the culmination of many years of unsuccessful otter walks from the River Otter in Devon to the Isle of Mull. Otters are claimed on many rivers and much of our coastline but they have been avoiding me for years! My wife caught up with me just as the otter disappeared into Broadford Bay. We headed back down the coast savouring the late afternoon light and suddenly the otter re-emerged from the sea and climbed out on to a rock with a newly caught crab. It was too engrossed to notice us this time, and we enjoyed a superb and extended view of this beautiful and elusive creature. Pete Davis

Puffins, Staffa, Inner Hebrides

Puffins on Staffa. Photograph: Alamy

A 50-minute boat ride from Fionnphort, Mull, off the west coast of Scotland, is the Isle of Staffa. Landing on the island, you walk up a steep set of stairs and along a ridge before stopping at the cliff edge to watch puffins dive for fish. The puffins seemed unafraid of people: when we sat down to recover from the walk a puffin landed next to us to watch for fish. Its bright beak against a grey north Atlantic sky was beautiful, and watching the playful nature of the puffins’ dives was so absorbing we nearly missed the boat home. The three-hour trip costs £35pp with Staffa Tours from Mull or Iona. Jennifer

Whales in the winter, Norway

An orca surfaces off the coast of northern Norway. Photograph: Audun Rikardsen/Science

The polar night, minus 20C, just above the Arctic circle in Skjervøy (four hours’ drive north-east of Tromsø) and I’m surrounded by pods of humpback whales and orcas. This is the only place in the world where the two animals share their skills to hunt herring. (This is a subject of scientific enquiry, so visitors and tours should follow guidelines at visittromso.no.) To be on a still boat, encircled by the curious animals, hearing only the sound of their powerful breath in a magical setting is nothing short of mesmerising. Most trips take place between November and January, according to the whale and herring migration. Whales, aurora borealis and frozen fjords – there’s a lot to love about this trip. • From £130 for 3½-hour trip, wildseas.no, also from Lyngen and Tromsø, (see visittromso.no for more trips). Edward Thianpiriya

Kayaking and whales, California

A humpback whale shows off its tail fin in Monterey Bay. Photograph: Chase Dekker/Getty Images

If your best whale sighting has been a glimpse from a crowded whale-watching boat, you need to go kayaking at Moss Landing in Monterey Bay. Dave, our guide, told us we’d see half a dozen whales, plus some seals and otters. That was an understatement. We quickly lost count of the whales, and couldn’t even begin to count the otters. Not only that, but seeing them at eye level, without a boat rail separating you, really brings home their true scale and majesty. Dave warned us it might not be the safest thing we would ever do, but it was undoubtedly one of the best. • Humpback whales/sea otters tour $75, April-October, santacruzkayak.com Sam

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[lenaglittleus]

40 Yoga Quotes to Inspire Your Practice

As both a yoga instructor and a writer, I love to share yoga quotes with my students. I find that inspirational yoga quotes can sometimes be just what you need to find a deeper connection to your practice, or provide a link between what’s happening on your mat to what’s going on in your life.

Quotes about yoga can serve as an introduction to using mantras in your practice, or help you stay inspired and motivated, whether you’re new to yoga or you’ve been doing downward dogs for decades. Yoga is a mind-body practice—no matter which type of yoga you do—and it’s helpful to give your mind something to focus on as you move on your mat.

The kinds of quotes I share with my students vary from class to class. Sometimes I share funny yoga quotes to lighten the mood during a challenging flow, and sometimes I share more profound quotes on balance and how to make the most out of the practice. I frequently read from the classic Yoga Sutras, and other times I select a more modern source. When my students are in restorative yoga poses that are held for five minutes or longer, I like to read passages from whatever inspirational book I’m reading at the time (Brené Brown and Jen Sincero are always well-received).

Here are 40 of our favorite yoga quotes to motivate and inspire you, whatever your mood may be. Pick some favorites and think of them the next time you go to a yoga class, whether that’s at a studio or at home.

40 of the Best Inspirational Yoga Quotes

1. “Yoga is a light, which once lit will never dim. The better your practice, the brighter your flame.” — B.K.S. Iyengar

2. “Yoga is the ultimate practice. It simultaneously stimulates our inner light, and quiets our over-active minds. It is both energy and rest. Yin and Yang. We feel the burn, and find our bliss.” — Beachbody Yoga Expert Elise Joan

3. “Move your joints every day. You have to find your own tricks. Bury your mind deep in your heart, and watch the body move by itself.” — Sri Dharma Mittra

4. “The nature of yoga is to shine the light of awareness into the darkest corners of the body.” — Jason Crandell

5. “True yoga is not about the shape of your body, but the shape of your life. Yoga is not to be performed; yoga is to be lived. Yoga doesn’t care about what you have been; yoga cares about the person you are becoming. Yoga is designed for a vast and profound purpose, and for it to be truly called yoga, its essence must be embodied.” — Aadil Palkhivala, Fire of Love

6. “I had discovered something; there was a pleasure in becoming something new. You could will yourself into a fresh shape. Now all I had to do was figure out how to do it out there, in my life.” ― Claire Dederer, Poser: My Life in Twenty-three Yoga Poses

7. “Yoga is not a work-out, it is a work-in. And this is the point of spiritual practice; to make us teachable; to open up our hearts and focus our awareness so that we can know what we already know and be who we already are.” — Rolf Gates

8. “Change only happens in the present moment. The past is already done. The future is just energy and intention.” ― Kino MacGregor

9. “I think it’s interesting that the opposite of being active in yoga is not being passive. It’s being receptive.” — Cyndi Lee

10. “Learning to be present with yourself and to abide in that which is steady and comfortable does not allow space for self-judgment. When you live this way, you are practicing yoga: you are living fully.” ― Judith Hanson Lasater, Living Your Yoga: Finding the Spiritual in Everyday Life

11. “Yoga begins with listening. When we listen, we are giving space to what is.” — Richard Freeman

12. “If we practice yoga long enough, the practice changes to suit our needs. It’s important to acknowledge that the practice isn’t meant to be one practice for everybody. The beautiful thing about yoga is that there are so many different approaches. As we go through our life cycles, hopefully we are able to find a practice that suits us. And if you practice yoga long enough, that will change many times. What exactly that looks like is going to be different for each person.” ― Tiffany Cruikshank, founder of Yoga Medicine

13. “The body benefits from movement, and the mind benefits from stillness.” — Sakyong Mipham

14. “My biggest struggles have been my biggest teachers.” — Kathryn Budig

15. “Yoga does not transform the way we see things, it transforms the person who sees.” — B.K.S. Iyengar

16. “Yoga is the perfect opportunity to be curious about who you are” — Jason Crandell

17. “The very heart of yoga practice is ‘abyhasa’ – steady effort in the direction you want to go.” –Sally Kempton

18. “In asana practice we learn to cherish each breath, to cherish every cell in our bodies. The time we spend on the mat is love in action” — Rolf Gates

19. “The yoga pose you avoid the most you need the most.” — Anonymous

20. “…just enjoy yourself. For many years I mistook discipline as ambition. Now I believe it to be more about consistency. Do get on the mat. Practice and life are not that different.” — Judith Hanson Lasater

21. “I bend so I don’t break.” — Anonymous

22. “That’s exactly how it is in yoga. The places where you have the most resistance are actually the places that are going to be the areas of the greatest liberation.” — Rodney Yee

23. “Throw your hair in a bun, downward dog like a boss, and handle it.” — Anonymous

24. “Remember, it doesn’t matter how deep into a posture you go – what does matter is who you are when you get there.” – Max Strom

25. “Sometimes in yoga I feel like a graceful swan. Other times I feel like a baby giraffe trying to use its legs.” — Anonymous

26. “When we have the confidence to be truly, unabashedly and radically ourselves, we breathe life into who we were meant to be. We burn with a desire to ecstatically share our unique and priceless gifts with the world.” — Elise Joan

27. “Yoga is not for the flexible. It’s for the willing.” — Anonymous

38. “Balancing in yoga and life is a reflection of our inner state. Can we dance with change? Can we fall and try again with playfulness? Do we have the focus, skill, and attunement to find the still point within it all?” – Shiva Rea

29. “Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous

30. “When we push for immediate results and instant healing, we never inhabit the important in-between phase, which is where much of the learning and growth actually happen.” ― Bo Forbes, Yoga for Emotional Balance

31. “Yoga is a dance between control and surrender — between pushing and letting go — and when to push and when to let go becomes part of the creative process, part of the open-ended exploration of your being.” — Joel Kramer

32. “The yoga pose is not the goal. Becoming flexible is not the goal. Standing on your hands is not the goal. The goal is serenity. Balance. Truly finding peace in your own skin.” ― Rachel Brathen, Yoga Girl

33. “Yoga is not about self-improvement. It’s about self-acceptance.” Gurmukh Kaur Khalsa

34. “Here and now is where yoga begins” – The Yoga Sutras

35. “Yoga exists in the world because everything is linked.” – T. K. V. Desikachar

36. “Yoga is the journey of the self, through the self, to the self.” — The Bhagavad Gita

37. “Yoga is 99% practice and 1% theory.” — Sri K. Pattabhi Jois

38. “The soul is here for its own joy.” — Rumi

39. “Yoga is not a religion. It is a science, science of well-being, science of youthfulness, science of integrating body, mind and soul.” ― Amit Ray, Yoga and Vipassana: An Integrated Life Style

40. “The attitude of gratitude is the highest yoga.” —Yogi Bhajan

from News About Health https://www.beachbodyondemand.com/blog/inspirational-yoga-quotes

[throughthedirt]

Season 1: Chapter Three

"JONES!" Correctional Lieutenant Dave Ward would shout at me from the State Pen's exterior doors.

"Fifty-one. Fifty-two. Fifty-three. Fifty-four. Fifty-five."

​

"Hey, man-" Another inmate would try to flag my attention, but to no avail. "Hey, Shotgun!" He would call again, this time using the nickname everyone knew me by.

"Fifty-six. Fifty-seven. Fifty-eight. Fifty-ni-" Interrupted by Scuttle, my cell-mate, I slowed my pace; lowering my chin from the pull-up bar in the courtyard's outside gym. Hanging from the post above me, my thick biceps bulged as they held my heavy weight. I looked to him with squinted eyes, the blazing sun shinning directly in my face.

"Ward's callin' ya." Scuttle tapped me out, swiftly pointing to the gate over 100 feet away. Shrugging his lithe shoulders, the 5 foot 6 African-American teenager was only 19 years old, and lucky (for his tiny sake) that he had been assigned to me as a prison mate.

Grunting, I tossed my large figure to the ground, casually walking through the yard to the gate's door. There was confusion, though I didn't show it. Without even a shirt to cover my tattoos, the only pieces of clothing that weren't entirely drenched in sweat were my State Pen uniform trousers. As I came to face Officer Ward, he stuffed a random clean shirt into my chest and commanded, "Put this on, now." Without hesitation, I pulled the grey tunic over my head and slipped my arms into it. "You have a visitor." He would add.

Visitor? What visitor? I hadn't had a visitor here in the entire 3 years of my incarceration.

Cuffing my wrists and ankles, Lieutenant Ward lead me and two other lesser prison guards towards the designated visiting area of the penitentiary. Stationing one guard inside the room and another out, he motioned for me to enter the room. As the doors opened and I took a curious step inside, my pupils contracted as my eyes fell on upon you. You.

Miss Nicola Strom. The very last person I would have ever imagined would be behind that spectral glass.

There was a stark difference between me now, and me from the

trial

. I had shed nearly 40 founds of fat, but converted most of it to muscle. These three short years in prison had aged me, it seemed. My once brown disheveled hair had began to grey; streaks of silver forming throughout my slicked strands. My stubbled, coarse beard had aged and grown to a similar fate. My forehead sported creased wrinkles and the bags under my eyes made me look tired, and restless. Yet, despite all of this, somehow... I looked

better

.

Taking a seat in the cold, plastic chair, my eyes fell to the 80's-style phone that awaited. Swallowing firmly, I placed my cuffed hands together before me and returned my deep brown eyes to roam the pale of your face. I took a moment to stare at you, not even a flinch to pick up the phone, nor a shred of hesitation as I stared into your dull, colorless eyes. I sat for a seconds in silence, mocking the very phone that you were itching to reach for. What seemed like mere seconds felt like hours as I stared at you - taking in all the details of your freckled, beautiful face.

Finally, my hand reached for the phone, though my eyes never left yours. Bringing it to my ear, I stayed expressionless as I waited to hear your sweet voice. “Hel-- Hello Mr. Jones." You would say, choking on your own greeting as fast as you offered it. Instantly, a chuckle began to brew on my weathered face. I broke my locked gaze on you to dip my head down in attempt to reign in my inappropriate laughter. Resurfacing my head back up immediately, I broke my silence. "Nicola." My rooted voice was croaky, but firm. "Don't speak. Just... listen." I shook my head lightly as the gaze of my dark orbs intensified.

Taking a deep inhale, I abandoned the phone from my ear and proceeded to tap it on my lips as to ponder the potential of my words. Bringing the phone back to my ear, I sighed. "Oh Nicola." My tongue passed ever so briefly on my bottom lip as a wicked grimace stretched over my face. "I always knew you'd come back to me."

Next Chapter