#beautiful girl called me beautiful for no fuckin reason some folks really have all the rizz don't they

[wreckedhoney]

couple folks let me know they think i'm hot lately. my brain chemistry is changed. it helps that it's easy to have a crush on them. but it's chill im totally normal about it though. anyway it's been a while but i'm still thinking about it but im really cool about it and also different.

[neurodecadence]

hmm. prime numbers be upon ye

Emily I value you as a friend, but this is evil. I am just a poor sleepy dame and you want me to do maths? to find Prime Numbers? how dare you.

Anyway, let's do it.

2. Do you like to use the term queer for yourself? Or just LGBT, etc? Love queer as a term, adore it. My whole... deal is messy and not easy to discern and being able to say "ehhh you know that whole thing" is nice and easy.

3. Which pronouns do you use? So it's complicated a bit thanks to plurality (we have slightly different pronoun sets), but the shortest answer is "It/It's* for strangers and new people, It/She for friends and closer people". If I ever use She referring to myself, it's specifically one part referring to the other. *(yes I know the apostrophe is grammatically incorrect but the grammar was not written with the idea of it as a person pronoun in mind, so suck it, I am keeping it)

5. Are you "out" publicly? I mean I'm a six foot tall, broad shouldered entity in a wheelchair when I go out, who gave up on voice training because it's too much effort. I don't exactly have much choice BUT to be out, which is fine. I get a lot of kids being curious and I think that's sweet, when they look at me and are trying to process a LOT of thoughts all at once.

7. Are you the "token" queer person in your family? I don't have much of a family tbh. That's not just and edgy statement, my biological familia consists of me and my mother, every other person who shares my bloodline is not welcome near me ever again. I'm glad I don't have contact with them tbh, because I know I WOULD have been a token queer to a few of my family members, and I don't wanna be used like that.

11. Favorite (or just one you love) piece of LGBT media? Shiiiit, hard to narrow it down to one, you know. I might have to give it to The Last Girl Scout, by local tumblr legend Natalie Ironside. It's a story about queer love and building something beautiful in the ashes of the old, about healing, really healing, from trauma and pain, it's about connections and learning who you are through others. It's also about shooting fascists, a cool polish vampire, and communist political arguments. It's a good read, changed my life.

13. Do you choose to reclaim slurs, why or why not? I do it, but it's sorta tricky to express why. It's partly for the same reason I prefer It as a pronoun, it's about taking assumed power. What I mean is, as a visibly trans person, people are always playing the pronoun guessing game before I talk to them, running those guess and assumptions and deciding what they'll use at me. By using "It" as the preferred pronoun, there's a part of stealing that back, a bit of "you cannot have guessed that, and also if you intended to use that to misgender me, oooooh too bad bitch". In the same regard, calling myself a slur feel like taking power out of people's hands. Hands that may seek to wield it against me. I have faced institutional transphobia more than once, but it was always simple chafing microaggressions stacks atop one another. By saying out loud "yeah I'm a fuckin' tranny, what're you gonna do about it", it's like bringing a KS-23 4 Gauge Shotgun to a watergun fight (that's a very big gun by the by). Maybe I've overthought it a bit, and I'll admit, I don't make people in public use It pronouns for me because I don't really get out much (also a Pin for that might save some time), but that's my thinking on the topic.

17. Have you ever attended Pride in a big city/ large metro area? I really do not get out a lot. Also I forget that Pride month is february in Aotearoa and by the time I remember the parade happened weeks ago. So that's on me.

19. Do you feel safe and accepted in your local community? Pretty damn safe tbh. Folks around here practice the stance of "ain't gonna let that ruin my day". Doesn't hurt it's on the edge of a Uni district, lots of 20 somethings doing weird cool stuff. The only times I've dealt with problems have been petty bureaucrats with a lick of power exerting it at me. Then I go holler at higher ups and make their life a living hell. I'd feel bad, but maybe don't misgender me seventeen times in two minutes and verbally attack me on at 9pm on a monday night.

23. Do you prefer loud parties or quiet? Yeah I really don't get out a lot, and especially not enough to go to parties. Still I like a quiet gathering, if it's on the table. Everyone brings some food, there's music playing, no expectations but to be yourself. That kinda vibes.

29. Are you currently partnered, or if not are you interested in having partner(s)? I have two lovely partners, and I adore them to the end of the world and back. I'm not actively seeking any more romantic attachments, but I'm also not saying it's off the table (fate has a funny way with these things). My only problem atm is my dear partners are aaaaaall the way on the west coast of the USA, and I'm down here in kiwi-land. I'm not saying the distance isn't worth it, but I am saying I would like some more hugs in my future. Or sex. That'd be cool too.

31. Post a pic in your pride gear (or it can just be a selfie or anything else lgbt):

Have an image of this beast.

Okay that's everything, done, complete, kaput, finito. This is simply way too many words about myself but I can't NOT complete this order, especially since it's from cool pal Emily. If you read this far, please send me wishes that I get a good nights sleep at some point in June, I feel like I'm going nuts.

Well, Nuts-er, I mean.

[xlovelyyoongix]

playing the part | myg

summary: On set, Yoongi was your enemy but off set, he was your secret lover. 18+

prompt: y/n is the star of an action movie and Yoongi is her enemy. While they hate each other in the movie, they genuinely like spending time with each other in real life.

genre: action, angst, smut, fluff

warnings: violence, guns, fist fighting, near-death experience, swearing, unprotected sex (please be safe yall) female receiving, stimulation while being penetrated, creampie, aftercare, and feelings that can’t be said out loud.

w/c: 4k

Rating: 18+

a/n: I was initially going to post this at the very beginning of the year, but I ended up getting sick and testing positive for covid-19. (please don’t worry about me. I’m feeling much better now 😊) But a few of my followers have been asking about me since I haven’t posted in a while, so I figured I’d give everyone a quick update. I’m glad to be back and happy to be working on all of my WIPs I have planned for the month. Please everyone, social distance, wear your masks, and stay safe. Happy reading  💕

"I'm done playing games with you." Your furious words bouncing off the walls of the abandoned warehouse as the weight of your pistol points directly at the male standing in front of you. "Hand over the money, or I'll put a hole in your head," Your finger seconds away from the trigger.

Yoongi chuckles, a cocky smirk stretching across his lips. "You won't shoot me-"

BANG

Before Yoongi ever had the chance of completing his sentence, the melody of your warning shot echoes, causing a vibration of whitenoise to jolt the walls of your inner eardrums. Missing on purpose, the bullet still managed to graze Yoongi’s skin, a thin line of blood trickling down his cheek.

Yoongi snickers at your attempt to frighten him while wiping away the blood that stained his flesh. "Why waste a bullet when you could have easily taken my life?" His words oozing arrogance as his body strutted forward, emptying the gap between the two of you. "Is it because you don't have the strength to kill the man you love?" He taunts wickely, onyx eyes peering into yours.  

With Yoongi being this close in proximity, the muscles in your body begin to tense, jaw clenching tightly as your sweaty hands gripped the handle of your gun. "Shut up!" You shout, not allowing him to use your emotions against you.

Yoongi observes your hesitant behavior, licking his bottom lip enticingly. "How about I make it easier, so you don't miss next time, hm." He sarcastically hums, gripping the barrel of your gun to position the weapon against the flat of his forehead. "I've done the hard part; now, all you have to do is shoot, baby girl." He mocks with the pet name he once called you.  

It was at this intense moment, you begin to regret it all. Accepting a job that required your feminine charm to seduce a drug lord that just so happened to owe your client an uber amount of money. You've done it before, sleeping with the enemy only to assassinate them by morning, so why was Yoongi so different? Why was this so hard?

Was it the luxurious dates? His charming smile? Unworldly sex? You don't really remember, only knowing that somewhere along that line, loving him was no longer pretend. "I said, Shut up!" You shake your head in hopes of ridding your brain of all the useless memories that only made your job harder.

"FUCKIN' DO IT!" Yoongi shouts through clenched teeth as his grip around the barrow of your gun tightens.

Flinching with your eyes shut, your finger pulls the trigger, producing another loud bang that causes your wrist to jerk from the power of the gun. Your heart drops at the sound, and you're afraid to open your eyes, knowing the second you do, your vision will be met with your lover in a pool of his own blood.

"Fuck, you were actually gonna kill me that time, huh?"

The sound of Yoongi’s voice causes your lashes to jolt open, shocked that the man was still alive and well, standing before you. It was then you notice your weapon carrying, hand being pinned above your head. The swift bastard must have trapped you in the second before you pulled the trigger. "I have a job to do, and I won't let feelings get in the way of my mission." You announce proudly, but more so to convince yourself than anything else.

Yoongi clicks his tongue at your response. "Is that so?" Taking advantage of your pinned  position, he stares your body down with an almost hungry eye. Your smooth skin glistening with sweat, large eyes that seemed to out shine the moon, delectable lips slightly parted to breathe, and a leather body suit that hugged every heavenly curve; curves he was once oh so familiar with. But, it was also in that moment Yoongi realized, despite the lustful infatuation that pulled him towards you, he'd be damned if he let anyone take his life. "I'll just have to kill you first then."

Before you could react to Yoongi's threat, his stealthy foot sweeps from under you, knocking you off your balance. Your body collides into the ground, gun sliding across the cold concrete. "Shit!" You eye down the weapon, collecting your balance once again to dart towards the object but Yoongi's headstart nearly beats you to it.

He takes the chance to reach down to grab the pistol -possibly to use it to end your life- but your survival instincts emerge,  causing your body to fling forward, tackling Yoongi like a linebacker on a football field. "Son of a..." He sneers at the weight of your body straddling his waist, fist flying forward to attack his face. Blocking your attacks, Yoongi grows frustrated with how long the altercation has lasted. "Okay, baby girl, this ends now." Grunting, Yoongi  uses his upper body strength to flip you, landing on your back as his heavy body pins you in.

For a short moment, Yoongi takes the time to admire your beauty. Messy hair splattered around your glistening face, chest heaving in attempt to collect your breath and cheeks an exhausted pink. "You're so fuckin beautiful..." But as soon as the soft words left his lips, a hand reached behind his back, removing a silver gun from it’s holster. “Which is why it pains me to do this.” Cocking the weapon, Yoongi presses the hold metal to your temple. "But before you go, say one last thing for me."

You struggled with all your might to wiggle yourself from under Yoongi, but his masculine weight bore you to struggle. You also attempted to reach for your gun, only half an inch away, but it was to no avail. "What?" You question back with a sneer, but not because you actually care -or maybe you do- but more so to buy you some time before your death.

Yoongi snickers, leaning in to ghost his devilish smirk over your swollen lips. "Tell me, it wasn't all fake." His jet eyes begin to soften as the pad of his thumb caresses your cheek. "Tell me, you love me."  

Your heart skips a beat but not because of the adrenaline spiking through your veins, but because even after everything, the fights, the betrayal, his heavy gun pressed to your temple, you still loved him. In an ordinary world, you'd be considered a psychopath for falling for a drug lord, but you didn't live in the real world. You were a hitman, and with your busy schedule and the blood of your enemies permanently staining your psyche, there was no room for traditional romance. You convince yourself that was the reason for your undeniable infatuation towards the blonde-haired male, just a girl yearning to finally feel the warmth of love. "Go fuck yourself." It pains you to say it, but in the end, you'd rather die with pride than with the taste of affection on your tongue.

Yoongi winces at your aggressive words towards him. Despite his rugged exterior, he was capable of feelings, and he did love you. He loved you more than any woman he'd ever laid eyes on. Being in this predicament indeed penetrated his heart so deep, he doubted he'd ever recover. "That's a shame." Regaining his stern demeanor, Yoongi clenches his jaw and positions his index above the trigger. "Goodbye, baby girl." A second away from ending your life, the two of you are interrupted by a loud shout.

"CUT!" The director whistles the alarm, and the once dark warehouse illuminates with bright fluorescent lights, bringing the scene to a complete stop. "That's a wrap for tonight, folks," he calls from behind a row of cameramen. "I want everyone back on set first thing in the morning. We'll be finishing up the final scene of the movie tomorrow" The stage and camera crew breaking out in applause at the work that was completed.

With the scene finally over, Yoongi pulls himself from on top of you, kindly extending his arm to assist you up with an eyeing smirk.

"You're fuckin heavy, you know that?" You harshly joke, taking his hand to accept the offer to help you up.

"That's funny," Yoongi's voice dripped with seduction, using his strength to whisk your body into his chest. His soft lips ghosting over the shell of your ear to whisper, "You weren't complaining about my weight last night-."

"Shhh!" Your hand cups over Yoongi's mouth, shushing him before anyone could witness his handsy flirtation. "You know better than to act like this on set." You arch your brow, matter-a-factly.

Yoongi parts his lips to respond but was interrupted by his makeup team stepping on set. "Mr. Min, let's get you cleaned up and ready to go." Politely placing her hand on Yoongi's back, she guides him along before he could get a chance to say good-bye.

A slight giggle escapes past your lips as you watch Yoongi being dragged offset by his team. Your eyes begin to feel heavy for the need of rest, and your throat produces a yawn. Exhausted, you head towards the direction of your makeup team, ready to escape to the confines of your trailer for the night.

   1:30 in the morning is when you're finally able to leave set and head back to your trailer for the night. Stepping out of the shower and into your silk robe, you examine your body in the fogged mirror, muscles sore from stunts -you swore to your director you didn't need a double for- and bags under your eyes being the evidence of long working hours. You couldn't complain though you loved your job, the excitement, the thrill, everything that came with being an actress, and you wouldn't trade it for the world.

A small knock at your trailer door interrupts your thoughts, wondering who it could be at an hour like this. Possibly the director wanting to go over tomorrow's scene? Curious, you peek through the blinds, but not surprised by who you see. A smile slips across your cheeks as you open the door, revealing a handsome blond-haired male standing before you. "I think you're lost." You playfully tease, pointing to the row of luxury trailers in the distance. "Your lodging is that way."  

Yoongi smirks at your sarcastic facade, playing along to entertain your ploy. "No,." He quickly replies, walking up the steps to your trailer until standing directly under you. "I think I'm in the right place." His large hands slip across the silk of your robe, finding their favorite spot on your hips while seductive eyes peak at the curves of your cleavage.

"Is that so?" You question, arching a tempting brow, "So, what is an A-list Actor doing at my trailer so late into the night?" Your fingers trickle to the nape of Yoongi's neck, dancing circles across his ivory skin.

"Well." Yoongi's nose slowly dips across the curve of your neck, getting a tasteful whiff of your natural scent before his pink lips ghost over the shell of your ear. "I came to fuck my co-star."

Yoongi's daring confession causes a vibrating tingle to spike throughout your body, increasing the lustful heat growing between your thighs. Surrendering to the fervor your body craved, your plush lips crash into his, with tongues beginning to dance together in harmony. Lost in the passion, your hand locates Yoongi's collar, pulling him into your trailer, and with a swift kick, he closes the door behind him.

The actor wastes no time shoving you against the counter of your tiny kitchen, large hands fiddling with the lace of your robe. Your silk falls around you, pooling to the floor, unveiling the flawless secrets of your womanly beauty. "Fuck." Yoongi nearly growls at the sight of smooth skin, supple breasts, and voluptuous curves. "I've been waiting for this all day." He could barely finish his sentence before his hungry lips were attacking your neck, teeth nibbling and sucking the flesh while wandering hands located your nipple to tease.  

"Y-Yoongi." You whimper from his touch, body arching off the counter to welcome his ardors actions. "R-remember not to bruise me, okay." If it were up to you, you wouldn't complain about the trademark evidence Yoongi liked to leave throughout your body, but things spread fast in the media. You couldn't risk a 'dating scandal'; in the middle of shooting a major motion picture movie, the press would eat you alive.

"Shit, forgot, sorry." He mutters an apology, loosening his hold on your breast and trailing succulent kisses down your abdomen. "Guess I'll just have to leave hickies where people can't see them." A flash of greedy lust shimmers in Yoongi's eyes the moment he hoists your thigh over his shoulder. His mouth nearly watering at the glorious sight before him. "So fuckin' wet for me already." Teeth sink into his bottom lip enticingly, witnessing your glistening arousal coating over your heated sex. "Makes me wanna taste it." Yoongi's crafty tongue darts out, sliding between wet folds until lapping across a sensitive bundle of nerves that causes your body to weaken.  

"Fuck, Yoon...," You could barely finish your sentence as Yoongi's ambush on your needy clit caused you to fall mute. Your hand gripping onto the actor's shoulder, rolling your hips into his mouth to ride out your delectable pleasure. "M-more,"  

Knowing precisely what you desired, Yoongi slowly inserts two digits deep into your soaking walls. The second he hears your breathy moan,  his fingers curl at just the right angle, locating the spongy surface responsible for your g-spot. "Mhmm," You're a wiggling mess, so Yoongi uses his free hand to hold your hips in place while his mouth sucks up your clitoris once again.    

"Shit~." The delicious stretch of his fingers and stimulation on your nub causes the muscles within your abdomen to tighten. With your body preparing for an orgasm, your fingers move on their own to lock in Yoongi's thick hair, guiding him to where you need most. "B-baby, c-close." Words frantically falling from your trembling lips.  

Taking note of your approaching release, Yoongi stiffens his tongue, lapping figure 8s around your pink nub to send your body into overdrive. His thick fingers thrusting into your walls, producing creamy arousal that dripped onto his knuckles. Yoongi absolutely loved watching you like this, legs wobbling like jello, skin glistening with sweat, pretty lips moaning his name. He took pride in witnessing you being a fucked-out mess. His own personal, fucked-out mess. "Cum, baby."

As if on demand by Yoongi's words, the tightness within your abdomen bursts, body tensing as the magic of euphoria courses through your veins.  "Y-Yoon-, fuck~" Lashes slamming shut as an assortment of circling colors rupture behind your eyelids. Your body rides out it's sinful high only for your body to fall limp moments after.

The evidence of your orgasm drips between your thighs as Yoongi carefully removes his digits from inside you. Standing to his feet, his tongue licks the last of your arousal that lingered on his fingers, always making sure your lovely juice never went to waste. "Fuckin delicious." He smirks devilishly, hungry eyes peering down at your exhausted state.

You can barely catch your breath as your hazed vision attempts to focus on the handsome man before you. His thick brow wickedly arched, jet eyes glowing with ungodly lust as the corner of his lips curls smugly. An expression that only meant Yoongi wanted more. "Ready for my dick now, babygirl?" He's quick to make haste of his shirt, tossing it someplace behind him and stepping out of the thick material of his jeans.    

You gulp anxiously at Yoongi's erotic words, curious eyes trailing down the curves of his abdomen in awe as if you haven't seen his immaculate body 100 times before. "Mhm." You reply with a hum, teeth sinking into your lip while impatiently waiting for the reveal of his sturdy dick.

Yoongi chuckles at your minimalistic response, dropping his boxers to unveil the erect curve of his fat length. Stroking up the base of his impressive dick, leaning into your ear to whisper, "You know I need to hear you say it." His warm breath causes an array of goosebumps to accumulate across your skin, a delightful shiver slithering up your spine. "Tell me what you want."

Having moved between your legs, Yoongi's mushroom tip begins to tease against your folds. "I-I," Your lashes flutter as the heat of desire begins to spiral within you, as if you hadn't already experienced a powerful orgasm a few moments prior. "I want you to..." You mew, Yoongi positioned his tip at the soaking hole of your entrance, knocking you from your train of thought.

He grins smugly at your expression, always taking delight to taunting your body. "Tell me what you want me to do, or I'll stop-"

Knowing better than to keep Yoongi waiting, you nearly shout. "I want you to fuck me, Yoongi!" You sound needy, but that's beyond your worries. Your body wanted him, your aching pussy craving him, and if you had to play the part to get what you wanted, so be it.  

Not giving you a second to breathe, Yoongi's fat tip thrusts into your wet core. "Fuck~" You both curse in unison, you because of the delectable stretch that made your pussy full and Yoongi due to your drenched walls tightening around his girth.

"Mhm, Yoons~." You whimper at the sting of his stretched entrance, but you absolutely love the feeling.  How his dick fits perfectly snug within your walls, the throbbing of protruding veins and his oozing tip teasing at your moist cervix. You often fantasized about staying in this position forever. Having Yoongi live, deep inside you as time passed the both of you by; then again, you're also dying for him to bang your brains out. "Baby, please." You plead for him to start moving inside you.

With your tight pussy finally adjusted to his size, Yoongi's large hand's grip at your hips, beginning an easy pace in and out of your core. "Shit~" His teeth clench, hissing at the heavenly sensation of your narrow walls sucking at his length. "You're so wet and warm. Always taking my dick so well."  

Your lashes begin to flutter at the sensation of Yoongi's fat tip massaging at the area of your g-spot. "All for you~." You purr, scooting as close to the edge of the counter as possible, craving for his inches to reach further inside you. "Please," With brows furrowed together beggingly, eyes screaming for him to go faster.

Observing your desperate expression, Yoongi knew it was time for him to pick up the pace. He grips at your thighs, placing your legs around his waist while positioning his hips at the angle that could explore deeper into your slit. "Ah, shhhhhit." He hissed at the pleasure, hips beginning to snap in and out of your sopping core at an autopilot speed.

Your nails pierce into the flesh of Yoongi's shoulders, holding on as he pounded into you. With your neck lulled back, your head knocks into the shelf with every swift jap he punctures in, but you don't care. Your skin is on fire, and your pretty pussy, utterly addicted to the pleasurable attack. "Feels good," You hum, eyes locking down on the pornographic scene of your creamy slick lubing Yoongi's shaft as his dick pleasantly stretches in and out of your entrance. "Wanna cum all over your pretty dick, Yoon." You plee, lips in the form of a pout.  

Your whimpering need causes a carnal temptation to spike within the actor, producing the adrenaline he needed to please your every desire. "So cum, baby." His veiny hand slipping between your thighs, swiping across your clit while pounding into you.

"Oh, god," You moan—the attack on your sensitive nub precisely what you need to feel the pressure building within your core. "Fuck, baby," Your legs gripping tighter around his waist, encouraging him to keep up the speed that slammed into your cervix.

"So fuckin' wet." A throaty moan escapes Yoongi's lips, your walls sucking tightly around his girth as he fucked into you deeper. He could feel the familiar ball of tension tightening within his core, dick becoming increasingly sensitive upon the approach of his release." y/n," breath staggering in his throat as he grunts your name. "Fuck~, gonna cum soon." Glistening sweat pearling across his creamy skin, with jet eyes glossed with desire.

Your hips rock forward, matching the devilish speeds of Yoongi's thrusts as your eyes lock on him. The ends of his blonde hair paste to his steamy skin, lips, pink and swollen, and dumpling cheeks a rosy fluster. The expression in his glass orbs screamed that he was close. "Me too," you moan with arching feet and toes beginning to curl. "Cum inside,"

"Shiiiiiit," Despret to oblige your request, Yoongi continues his powerful ruts, the erotic sounds of your wet pussy guiding him. He could feel the muscles throughout his body starting to flex along with the anticipating tingle of his ballsack, begging to release its load.  "B-baby I,..." His thrust becomes sloppy, and the tight grip he has on your hips causes his knuckles to whitein.  He would explode any second.  

Even with his body tense, Yoongi doesn't let up the massage on your clit. Only speeding his swift swipes on your throbbing nub, sending spikes of electricity zapping throughout your body. "Y-y-y-Yoon...., g-gonna~," and just like that, an euphoric explosion happens within your core, blasting you into ecstasy. "FUCK!" Your back arches, your head lulls back, and the muscles within your wet walls clench around Yoongi's dick, sucking him in for dear life.

"___, g-gonna..." With one final thrust, Yoongi's pulsing dick shoots warm coats of cum into your core. His throat releases a horse grunt, eyes rolling back, and breath getting caught in his throat ."Hmm," He hums at the peaceful feeling, the pent up stress of a long workday finally vacating his body. "Fuck, you're pussy's so good." He chuckles, eyes fluttering open to witness your sweaty body stretched out across the counter, swollen pussy leaking his creamy cum.

Your exhausted body doesn't stop a smirk from slipping across your flustered cheeks. "You're dick's so good." responding to Yoongi's complement, chest heaving for air.

A gummy grin pulls across Yoongi's lips in observance of you. Your messy hair pooled around your face, skin lushly glossed, and large dewy eyes that expressed your body's satisfaction. You meant the absolute world to Yoongi, and being with you on and off set was the best year of his life. Getting to watch you grow as an actress and putting your best foot forward every day. You were Yoongi's muse, his love. "I'll clean you up." He runs a paper napkin under the warm fouset, placing the dampness across all the places between your thighs he left a mess.

You watch Yoongi in awe with your heart fluttering in your chest. It was clear the growing spark between the two of you was more than just sexual tension. You saw the way he'd sneak cute glances at you on set, how he'd be the first one to make sure you were alright after an intense stunt. You want to confess that you love him, that he meant more to you than just a person to fuck. But, the time wasn't right. The two of you still had a job that needed to be done. "Hey." Your small voice, grabbing Yoongi's attention. Instead of saying, I love you, you say, "Good luck on set tomorrow."

However, Yoongi finds the truth in your soft eyes, making it clear you held the exact same feelings that he harbored to himself for the past year. "Yeah," There wasn't a need for him to say much; he knows that you know the truth of his heart. "Good luck to you too."

date posted: 1/8/2021

[xpao-bearx]

Part 1 HERE

NOTE: OMG I really wasn't expecting for the previous first part of Heavenly Sins to blow up as it did, but I just wanted to give a huuuge THANK YOU to all of you amazing folks!! 🥰🥰🥰 Your support truly means so fooken much to trashy ol' meh and y'all are the reason I am writing this story series in the first place :')

I do have my ideas, but I still don't know much yet of what to do or even how long (or short) this story will get. So, if you would continue to give me your mindblowing support, it would seriously mean the W O R L D.

I do, however, very much enjoy writing Negan in particular so far. He's one of my absolute fave characters ever and JEFFREY DEAN FUCKIN' MORGAN NEED I SAY MOAR?!? 🥵💕💕

But this second part will be focusing a bit more on our beloved sheriff Ricky boi! Of course, Daryl will also get some much deserved love and attention tho I think he will appear in the story a lil later on.

Also, if you ever feel compelled, you are more than welcome to take some inspo from this story and make your own imagines and such! I'd love to see 'em, so please tag me 😁

P.S. There won't always be long ass notes like this, only if I wanna say something or bring up whatever is important. Also, if you wanna be tagged on any new/future story parts, then just tell moi and I will dedicate the latest one to the people who wanted to be tagged!

DEDICATED TO: The wonderful @buttercandy16 💖

"Heavenly Sins"

Part 2

After your little spiel, you haven't spoken to Negan since then. But on the way home after church, you passed by his house and found him tinkering away on his motorcycle (which you previously learned he interestingly named Lucille) in the garage. Not being able to help yourself, you paused in your tracks and just curiously watched him for a while.

His leather jacket was off, revealing a plain white t-shirt. The shirt was quite tight, and you noted how it perfectly hugged the taut muscles of his chest. Your eyes then slowly trailed to his toned arms, adorned by tattoos you wished you had a better look at. He stopped briefly, placing his tools down before grabbing the hem of his shirt and wiping the sweat on his forehead.

You didn't even think twice as your eyes dropped, hyperfocused on his abs. He wasn't the buffest guy out there, but he was lean and fit and--to put it bluntly--hot. A part of you screamed bloody murder to get a grip on yourself, to just turn your stiff body around and proceed on home. But another part completely squashed down those protests without even a fight; as if your pathetic excuse of a resolve wasn't even meant in the first place.

"Take a goddamn picture, darlin'. It'll last longer."

Your head snapped up, meeting the tantalizing hazel stare of Negan. His lips were curled in a smug smirk, and nevermore in your entire life have you wanted to both slap and kiss someone so badly.

But you only clicked your tongue, shooting him a sharp glare before (at last!) turning and walking away as you hid your blush. In the distance, his amused chuckle begrudgingly sounded like the sweetest fucking music to your ears.

♡♡♡

You woke up at 7:05 a.m. like you typically did the next morning, Monday. It was the dawn of a new week, and while most people dreaded it you actually didn't mind it so much. You had your job to thank for that.

Sure, it wasn't always easy, but it was worth it in the end. You loved teaching and spending time with the children, and you were even more ecstatic since you knew Judith was going to be at the daycare.

As you finished eating breakfast and preparing for the day, you grabbed your bag then went out the door. You opted to walk again today, the weather far too beautiful to miss plus the daycare really wasn't that far away.

Eventually arriving at your destination, you approached the daycare building's doors with a little spring in your step. Once inside, a young woman with her blonde hair high in a ponytail smiled and waved.

"Hi, Y/N! Goodmorning!" Beth Greene greeted energetically.

"Morning, Beth." You chuckled, the girl's radiant smile infectious. You've known Beth for some time now, especially since the Greenes were one of the oldest families in Alexandria and they were well respected. But you got along best with Beth, you thought she was the friendliest and she was also the latest hire of the daycare.

Stashing your bag away in your personal locker, you fixed yourself up a bit before getting your nametag and sticking it on your top. Looking up at the wall clock, you read that it was 7:50 a.m. Perfect, just in time for the kids' drop-offs.

You waited outside with Beth and the rest of the daycare workers, until finally the parents started rolling in. It was the usual; some of the children were wailing, snot snivelling down their nose as their embarrassed parents tried to tug them away from clinging onto their legs. You could only offer a sympathetic smile as you tried to help, while other children were much more relaxed and didn't even spare a second glance at their parents as they were dropped off.

"Well, that's about all of them." Beth piped up.

"Wait, we're still waiting for Judith." You said, searching for the toddler. "Rick said she'd be here."

Beth checked her watch, her brows creasing a little in worry. "That's odd. Sheriff Grimes is never late when he's dropping Judith off."

Just as she said that, there was a honk that disrupted the peace. You and Beth both spotted a crying Judith being held by Lori, the woman appearing utterly exhausted before her eyes locked with yours and didn't waste another second dashing towards you.

"Please don't run when you're holding Judith. Also, no honking is allowed on the premises." It was hard for you to keep the malice out of your voice, but you mentally gave yourself a pat on the back since you miraculously managed to not make it sound the worst it could get.

Lori raised a brow at you, but only handed Judith over to you. Judith immediately quieted down when she saw it was you, you cooing gently at her as she giggled and snuggled up comfortably against your chest.

"Rick will be picking her up later." Was all Lori said, pressing a quick peck on Judith's curly little head before parting ways. As Lori rushed back to the car, you saw Shane in the driver's seat shamelessly attack her neck with fervent kisses and you couldn't restrain an eyeroll.

"Fucking bitch..." You grumbled.

"Uh-oh. Bad!" Judith giggled again, clapping her hands gleefully.

"Right, right. Bad. Don't copy me, okay?" You laughed, completely forgetting about your aggravation as you rubbed your nose with Judith's and went inside.

♡♡♡

The rest of the day rolled along splendidly. No one threw a tantrum and for the most part, all the kids properly shared the wide assortment of toys and even did their activities orderly and on time. So, you decided to indulge them with a small yet much sought after reward.

Painting.

When it comes down to children, painting can be utter chaos. But you figured since they were being so good, you'd allow it. At the daycare you worked in, painting was quite a rare occurrence and that only solidified how much the kids adored it.

Once the materials were set out, it was a dizzying flurry of excited hands grabbing anything it could latch on to. As the kids went about doing their creative business, you found Judith all alone sitting in the corner playing around with some blocks.

"Whatcha doin' there, Judi?" You asked, sweetly calling out her nickname. "You don't wanna paint?"

"I wanna, but not with papers." She replied, shaking her head.

"Oh? Then where do you wanna paint?"

"I wanna paint on faces, but no one wants me to!"

"If that's the case, then I'd be more than happy to let you paint my face." You smiled.

"Really?!" Judith's whole face lit up, jumping up and wrapping her tiny arms around you as tightly as she could. "Thank youuu!"

You chuckled, ruffling her hair and watching as she happily gathered some paint and brushes.

♡♡♡

It was finally the end of a long day, and your face felt a bit itchy from the paint Judith put on you. But it didn't matter; as long as the little girl was happy, it was the best damn day ever.

You were holding Judith's hand as you waited outside for Rick to pick her up, and once he came up with his car Judith beamed.

"Daddy!"

"Hello, sweetheart. Did you have a nice day?" His face looked tired, his greying beard making him appear slightly older than he really was, but his smile was genuine as he carried Judith in his strong arms.

"The bestest! Y/N lemme paint her face!"

"She did, huh? What did you pai--oh my god."

You bursted into laughter at his reaction, flashing him a toothy grin. "In the words of Judi: You're a pretty tiger! Grr!"

"Now that you mention it, I can see it." Rick joined in your laughter, nodding his head. "Looks like we've got a talented lil artist in our hands!"

"Daddy, I wanna paint your face next! You can be daddy tiger and Y/N can be mommy!" Judith proclaimed.

You and Rick flushed pink at the same exact time, but Rick was quick to clear his throat and change the topic. "A-Anyways, Y/N, how 'bout me and the kids give you a ride? Thank you for today, by the way."

"No problem, and sure! Thanks so much."

As you settled in the passenger's seat, two hands covered your eyes from behind. "Guess who~?"

"Hmm..." You hummed, making a show of thinking. "Are you an elf?"

"No!" The hands were removed, Carl popping his head out from the backseat to look at you as he laughed. "It's me!"

"Oh, sorry! You're just so short, I thought you were an elf." You teased good naturedly.

Carl huffed, sticking his tongue out at you. "Y'know, in a few years, I'll be way taller than you!"

Once Rick was done buckling Judith into her carseat, he took his place in the driver's seat and drove out of the premises. You just talked about anything that came to mind: work, the weather, Alexandria's local shops, etc. To anyone else, maybe it seemed like regular boring conversation. But speaking with Rick was truly one of the highlights of any of your days. He was extremely easy to talk to, and he never failed to cheer you up. And it was obvious Rick was the same. He was allowed to simply be himself around you; to loosen up, momentarily forget about the stress and sometimes even the woes that came along with being the town's upstanding sheriff.

As you were nearing your home, Carl decided to cut in.

"Y/N, can we stay at your house? It's been a while since we had a sleepover." Carl asked, his baby blue eyes identical to Rick's alight with hope.

It wouldn't be the first time Rick and the kids would be staying over. You were very close to the Grimes family, sometimes even almost considering them as your own. You didn't mind it. Since you lived alone, it can get pretty lonely. And having people around surely brightened up the house and made you keep your sanity.

"I don't mind, but you gotta ask your dad." You chuckled.

Carl turned to Rick, pouting and giving his best puppy dog eyes. Rick rolled his eyes, but couldn't suppress an inkling of a smile.

"Yeah, yeah. But let me drop you and Judith off with Y/N first. I'll be back, I just need to get some extra clothes and essentials."

"YAY!" Carl cheered, Judith following suit as they both raised their arms and hollered.

"You're so whipped for them." You laughed, shaking your head as you looked at Rick.

"I ain't denying that." He sighed dramatically, grinning.

[violetwolfraven]

The Siren Borough

((I need a break from the reincarnation AU, so I figured I’d write this real quick. The idea’s been knocking around in my head for a bit, anyway, partially based on this post. Enjoy, y’all.))

...

Brooklyn had long been known as the ‘siren’ borough, the nickname having started years before Race even became a Newsie, but he’d never really thought about why.

True, many of the Brooklyn boys and girls were deceptively pretty, leading many to make the mistake of underestimating them. Because not all of the Brooklyn kids looked big and strong, (though many of them did) but all of them were capable of handling themselves in a fight, with even their smallest Littles able to throw good punches.

Of course, other boroughs had attractive yet dangerous kids, too, and though Brooklyn certainly had the bloodiest reputation and the most known kills, it still didn’t explain why people called them the Siren Borough.

Race didn’t know the real reason until the first time he spent the night in Brooklyn, a few months after the strike.

He was staying over because Spot was hurt, because Brooklyn had gotten in a rumble with Queens.

Race had never stayed so late, and he’d definitely never seen the Brooklyn kids tipsy the way they were now, passing around a few bottles of cheap booze as what must be every Newsie over the age of 14 lounged around on the docks, trying to distract themselves from the pain of their injuries and shake off lingering aggression.

They were called the Siren borough for a reason, apparently.

Because apparently when Brooklyn kids got drunk, they sang.

They sang folk songs and sea melodies, the kind of showtunes Medda performed and even a few hymns, though not many went to church.

They sounded pretty damn good, and Race could see why people called them sirens.

“Why didn’t ya tell me every single person in your borough can sing?” he asked Spot, genuinely impressed as he watched Hildy and Joey drunkenly imitating Medda’s showgirls as York, Hotshot, and Rafaela laughed at them.

Spot chuckled, “Ya never asked. But why did ya think everybody called us the ‘Siren Borough?’”

Hildy and Joey’s voices echoed across the water, hauntingly beautiful despite the fact that it wasn’t a song appropriate to be singing in a place where children could possibly hear.

Then Race realized.

He grinned, “Us?”

“Oh, no.”

“As in, you can sing, too?”

“No, Racer.”

“C’mon, please?” Race begged, “Please, light of my life, love of mine?”

Spot laughed, “You’re ridiculous, y’know that?”

“I make a point to be. C’mon, Spottie, please? Sing somethin’ for me?”

Spot glanced over at his kids, who were all pretty absorbed in listening to York singing some old love song Race didn’t recognize.

Him and Spot had sat so far off because... well, they were drinking, inhibitions were lowered, and though Spot’s inner circle of trust wouldn’t give a damn if they got mushy (though none of them except Hotshot knew about Spot and Race’s relationship), there were plenty of kids who would, and would use it against him if they knew.

“Well, there is one old song I know,” Spot admitted, “My ma used to sing it, and she said she got it from her great-grandmother. I ain’t sang it in a while, though. I ain’t sang in a while, period, so don’t expect it to be good.”

Race shrugged, unbothered, “It’s you, so I’m sure it’s good.”

“Shut up.”

“Gonna sing?”

Spot rolled his eyes, but he took a deep breath and cleared his throat.

“Yo Ho, Yo Ho, a pirate’s life for me. We pillage, we plunder we rifle and loot, drink up me hearties, yo ho.”

Race laughed, “Was your... great-great grandma a pirate?”

Spot just glared at him and kept singing.

“We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot, drink up me hearties, yo ho. Yo Ho, Yo Ho, a pirate's life for me. We extort, we pilfer we filch and sack, drink up me hearties, yo ho. Maraud and embezzle and even high-jack, drink up me hearties yo ho. Yo Ho, Yo Ho, a pirate's life for me.”

That was when Spot stopped, waited a second, then swore.

“Ah, fuck. There’s more, but I can’t remember the rest. Sorry to let ya down, but it’s probably for the best, anyway. I ain’t the best singer.”

Race smiled, “I thought it was great.”

Spot looked away, gazing out across the water, but Race knew he was just trying to hide that he was blushing.

“So, what kind of crazy person was your great-great grandmother if she could pass down a song like that?”

Spot shrugged, “It’s just a song, Racer.”

“Songs have meanin’,” Race insisted, “And personally, I think it’s pretty interestin’ that you might be descended from a pirate.”

Spot snorted, “Well, I’m pretty sure all the stories Ma used to tell me ‘bout her were just stories, but... well, she used to say that all our family are drawn to the sea, ‘cause we’s got sailin’ in our blood. ‘Cause our ancestor was the fiercest lady pirate who ever lived. And I guess I... I guess I’s felt that, a little, but... well, I left all that behind a long time ago. I ain’t talked to my mom since I ran away.”

Race put a hand on his shoulder, knowing how much Spot hated talking about his past. His mom and especially his dad were sore topics for him, and always had been. Hell, parents were a sore topic for Race, too. For a lot of the Newsies, really. Kids didn’t wind up on the streets for no reason.

“Well, if it makes ya feel any better, my pops used to say he had piratin’ in his blood, too.”

Spot laughed, “Really, now?”

“It’s true! He used to tell me stories ‘bout my great-somethin’ grandpa! Said he was one of the luckiest pirates ever!”

“Really? Who?”

Race grinned, “Dad used to say we was the last descendants of Captain Jack Sparrow.”

“Your dad used to say you were descended from Jack fuckin’ Sparrow? The pirate all sailors still remember ‘cause he was batshit insane?”

Race laughed at the skepticism in his voice, “Yeah, I never really believed it. Makes for a good story to tell the littles, though.”

Spot smirked, ”It’s funny. He was actually in some of my ma’s stories, too. Apparently, my great-great grandma took her riches, moved on land, and lived out the rest of her days without piratin’ once times started changin’. But the really interestin’ part was that her family offered to take Jack with ‘em cause he was a good friend of theirs, but he wouldn’t leave the sea. So, eventually, he got killed, and my great-great grandparents spent the rest of their lives tellin’ how stupid he was for not changin’ with the times.”

“Ooh. So I guess it runs in your family to be disappointed in mine.”

“Well, ya don’t leave much to not be disappointed in.”

Race slapped his lover in the arm, “Why do I love you again?”

“Maybe ‘cause I sing old pirate songs for ya.”

“Hmm. That must be it.”

A lot of the other Brooklyn kids already seemed to be passed out drunk, so Race felt safe enough to lay his head on Spot’s shoulder, the other boy leaning into the touch.

“I don’t sing that for just anybody, y’know,” Spot said quietly.

“I know,” Race said truthfully, “And honestly? I’ve never heard that song, and I heard a lot of old sailin’ songs when my dad was still alive. Maybe your great-great grandmother really was a pirate.”

Spot snorted, “Maybe. Of course, the stories also said her husband was the captain of a ship crewed by damned souls, so...”

“Yeah... well, even if parts of the story ain’t true, that don’t mean it’s all fake. What was your fierce pirate great-great grandmother’s name? Do ya know?”

Spot sighed, laughing a little as he leaned his face just slightly towards Race’s hair, “You’s really buyin’ into this, ain’t ya, love?”

“Just tryin’ to get the full story,” Race said with a cheeky grin.

Seeing that he wasn’t going to just give this up, Spot sighed again, rolling his eyes.

“Elizabeth Swan. Her name was Elizabeth Swan.”

[anarcho-mom-unist]

A survey of my ‘spotify wrapped’ from 2020

So, I listen to music between a lot of platforms, I hate how spotify operates as a company (and like in a way that’s pretty comparable to my loathing of the publishing/distribution sides of creative industries,) and I fucking refuse to ever pay for spotify askjdhd

However based on the aggregate of my 100 most-listened-to songs from a year of mostly hitting shuffle on an artist, album, or playlist on mobile, I do have some reflections and highlights. From that I made something of a survey of that list which includes my #1 and #100 song in addition to 1 song from each set of ten, for a total of 12 songs. These represent artists and genres I really got into this year, as well as longtime favorites that are worth talking about:

1. “Bad Trip” - Bad Trip (single) - Xena Elshazlii & Fady Haroun: "Bad Trip” is probably my favorite 2020 release, like if I had to pick one. The track has incredible energy, from the soft piano and vocalization intro to the verse with it’s sparse drums, subtle bass line, and slight strings to an absolute banger of a chorus with punchy staccato synths, reinforcement of the drum groove, and addition of an electric guitar. Elshazlii & Haroun pack a lot into 2-and-a-half minutes of music, and the variations in texture, mix, & music in each iteration of the song’s discrete sections are *chef’s kiss* ---verse 1 and chorus 1 are not identical to verse 2 and chorus 2, to say nothing of the short instrumental transition b/n the first chorus and second verse. Whenever I listen to “Bad Trip” I’m compelled to hit ‘repeat’ ---which is not a normal occurrence for me---and experience the builds and releases that this track brings once again. I don’t know much Arabic beyond the slang terms and exclamations that peppered my grandparents’ & parents’ speech when they spoke to each other in Armenian, but I’d be a liar if I didn’t tell y’all that “Bad Trip” is among the songs that make me want to learn the language so I can better sing along w/ them.

3. “City Lights” - Sailorwave II - Macross 82-99 ft. Kamei:  "City Lights” is the opener to Macross 82-99′s 2018 EP Sailorwave II, and it does that job immaculately. While I recommend the entire EP and an exploration of the Future Funk genre as a whole, you can’t go wrong with getting a taste of either through “City Lights.” The track bursts to life w/ synth brass chords and fast drums, quickly finding its way into punchy up-tempo horn line w/ light rhythm guitar and an active & bouncy bass line joining the mix. “City Lights” more or less goes from A to B to C and after the instrumental opening, the track shifts to a more under-voice horn line offering a countermelody to a mid-to-low register vocal line which is soon after joined by high voices punctuating the beginning of each phrase. The horns, guitars, and singers are cut from the track as the song enters its final section, a rap verse from featured artist Kamei accompanied with a slower-moving bass and light synth chords & wash in the middle register. Taken all together, “City Lights” ---like “Bad Trip” before it---packs a lot of music into a short duration & leaves me wanting more, which I especially long for when listening to the track outside of the context of the EP (which is what I usually do.)

12. “Turn to Hate” - Pony - Orville Peck: There’s a lot I could have done better in 2019, and “check out Orville Peck” is pretty high up there. “Turn to Hate” is a song that is at once heartrending, sincere, & catchy as all get out. Peck does one of my favorite possible things a musician can do on this track, and that’s make me Feel Things at a quick tempo. The vulnerable lyrics sung in outlaw country bass are supported by a fairly simple chord progression that acts as a solid foundation for a lot of texture ---moving guitar lines in the accompaniment part and middle-ground lines that move in and out of the melodic foreground. My moment of pure delight on the track is Peck’s laconic “yeehaw” that leads into a guitar solo that does so much work w/ its relative simplicity. “Turn to Hate” is an excellent song to get you into Orville Peck’s music if you aren’t already, if any of this piques your interest then I strongly recommend exploring his output of classic country meets 2010s indie meets camp gay sensibilities meets emotional realness. (This is as good a place as any to advise you to check out Yola and her album Walk Through Fire.)

27. “Water No Get Enemy” - Expensive Shit - Fela Kuti & Africa 70: I’m a newcomer to Afrobeat which is a fuckin’ shame because it contains a lot of the things I love most in music: rhythmic density and variety, jazz and “folk” idioms working together, a sense joy in the music-making with righteous anger at injustice in the music’s purpose, and a kick-ass horn section. "Water No Get Enemy” by Fela Kuti & Africa 70 is as good an intro as any to Afrobeat as it’s a delightful & excellent piece of music by the genre’s pioneer. It’s worth mentioning that in addition to its musical quality, Afrobeat is also deeply connected with Pan-Africanism and the resistance to the presence of European colonizers in Sub-Saharan Africa. To be frank, whatever I write can’t really do justice to this song or the musical movement from which it comes, go listen to it... a jam you can dance to while hating the British!? Immaculate. 

31. “Vardavar” - EP No. 1 - Tigran Hamasyan: The first of two songs from Armenian Jazz-fusion pianist/keyboardist and composer, Tigran Hamasyan, is a fast moving rhythmically dense piece of music named after the Armenian holiday of the same name ---Vardavar is a holiday of pre-Christian origin that Armenians celebrate in July in observance of the transfiguration of Christ, it involves throwing buckets of water on each other! Appropriate to its namesake, the running piano line through much of the track and the melodic lines are both exceptionally fluid and reminiscent of water. The rhythm of the tune follows a highly irregular subdivision of the bar that it’s best to feel along w/ as a listener ---seriously, unless you’re transcribing the tune or practicing/rehearsing it, don’t worry about counting---and get lost in with the flow of the music. Notable features of the track are the dense layering of instrumental/vocal lines on the melodic and countermelodic material, breakdowns & entire sections where the music takes to longer notes, “slower” feel & division of the bar, and a slower harmonic rhythm, unexpected unisons b/n instruments, and the transformation of Armenian folk melodies & texts between vocalized material and statements of the original material. There is no living musician whose work I love more than Tigran’s and if you’re not familiar with it “Vardavar” is an excellent place to start.

46. “Boyish” - Tropical Jinx - Little Big League:  "Boyish” is better known as one of the singles from Japanese Breakfast’s sophomore album Soft Sounds from Another Planet where Michelle Zauner presents the tune at a slow tempo with an unassuming instrumental accompaniment, wash of synths in the chorus, and low-register closing guitar solo which leaves the audience with a sense of melancholy & vulnerability. The original version from the 2014 LP of Zauner’s former band, Little Big League, offers a different take on the text: noisy guitars, driving rhythm, aggressive drumming on a rock groove, and a vocal delivery offering more of the rage of heartbreak than its sadness. Zauner refers to “Boyish” as an ‘ugly girl anthem’ and that intention is very apparent on this version of the track ---whereas the Japanese Breakfast take on it gave me a sense of being in the gender hinterlands b/n acceptable presentations of masculine and feminine. Both versions of the song are really worth seeking out for different reasons, and I chose to highlight Little Big League on this list because they’re a solid guitar-driven emo band that deserves appreciation in its own right.

50. “Dreaming” - Eat to the Beat - Blondie: What do I need to say about Blondie!? A CBGB act from the late-70′s that straddled the worlds of Punk and New Wave at their peak with a mix of an exceptional rhythm section (that bass!) diverse and compelling guitar work, and the captivating and ever-iconic vocals and presence of Debbie Harry. “Dreaming” might be my favorite song from Blondie and has had a special place in my heart since I first listened to them with my mom. It’s one of those songs that I’m tempted to call a perfect pop song: a joyful performance, lyrics that are at once simple and relatable ---whom amongst is unfamiliar with longing!?---music full of hooks & containing the kind of energy that just goes and takes you with it!

65. “Holy” - Shadow Theater - Tigran Hamasyan: The second entry from Tigran Hamasyan comes from his 2013 album Shadow Theater ---an excellent work as a whole---and is one of the slower, more spacious, and simpler tracks from it. “Holy” is a setting of the Armenian liturgical piece “Soorp Soorp” which is frequently used in the celebration of the Eucharist (even in the Armenian Protestant church I grew up in) and it’s achingly beautiful. There’s always something to be said about a musician capable of complex and virtuosic feats on their instrument doing something very simply and very well, and that’s what the entire ensemble brings ---including frequent collaborator Areni Agbabian who provides the vocals. Even as the texture thickens in the middle of the song, the middle ground & harmonic support coming from strings and bassoon (Ben Wendel) is simple, under-voice, and reverent. “Holy” is the kind of piece of music that offers an encounter with God ---even if one would never otherwise believe in something beyond the material; even just for a moment.

77. “The Day the World Turn Day-Glo” - Germ Free Adolescents - X-Ray Spex: X-Ray Spex is one of those bands I’ve listened to before on a recommendation I received ages ago but never really followed up on beyond the one song sent my way. “...Day-Glo” is a fuckin’ banger of song that just bursts with this wonderful energy from the jump & showcases the best qualities of X-Ray Spex’s sound: driving guitars, wild saxophone lines, and chaotically charismatic lead vocals from singer Poly Styrene. X-Ray Spex have an output that is wild and fun as hell to explore, and “...Day-Glo” is an excellent place to start ---you’d also do well to check out their more notable song “Oh Bondage, Up Yours!” 

84. “Marquee Moon” - Marquee Moon - Television: Listen, you don’t need to read some internet lesbian with a music degree go off about Television ---one of the most musically interesting acts to come out of CBGB and one of many definitive proofs that Punk is not a label that people should fucking fight about having a true definition of. Clear 11 minutes in your day, find a pair of headphones so you can experience the use of stereo in the recording and enjoy each element of the song, especially with regards to Tom Verlaine and Richard Lloyd’s interlocking guitar lines.

96. “Leylum” - Kokorec - Collectif Medz Bazaar & Sevana Tchak: Armenian folk music, baby!! Collectif Medz Bazaar offer a lively and joyful rendition of the classic folk song “Leylum” which has been burned in my mind from church and community gatherings ---the fun ones with music and all of your aunties dancing in a circle and such. Listen to this song and DM me if you aren’t dancing along of joining in on the response parts as best you can. I think this particular recording offers a nice entry point into an exploration of Armenian music, the instrumentation hits a lot of the staples of Armenian folk ensembles ---duduks, dohl, dumbek, clarinet, shvi, etc.---and the song itself is an up tempo dance tune which I find to be easier to start with than ballads or liturgical music.

100. “Electrastar” - Paradize - Indochine: Back in the hazy past of 2017, one of my friends from undergrad and I were hanging out and playing music for each other. In a departure from his usual library of French Baroque music, he played a song by French New Wave band, Indochine. That song was “Electrastar” which is a consistent favorite of mine, my favorite song from its album ---Paradize, which is already a solid record---and a great entry point into the musical output of a band which has been active for about 40 years. "Electrastar” features driving rhythm guitar, pulsing synth under the texture, eminently catchy chorus and post-chorus, and a very care-full and effective approach to the mix. Also, not for nothing but that album cover is 👀

Survey of 2020 Listening

[trickkombowerskru]

Road Trip-Henry Bowers Imagine

Request: Anonymous: Hey can you do an imagine where the reader gets a call saying she has to go pick up henry from juniper hills and she is like super successful and she isn't sure if she should but she ends up doing and they have a super cute road trip to her house and it's all fluffy. Also I love your work❤

A/N:I kinda went nuts with this prompt bc I really loved it so this one is real long strap in folks

Warnings: None

You exhale after an exhausting day at work, as you take off your coat. After an entire day of meetings, finalizing pieces, and reviewing editorials you were beat. You wanted nothing more than to get into the bath and have a glass of wine.

Then to follow that up by changing into sweats, and watching whatever new awful movie hit Netflix recently to turn your brain off and relax while you could before you had to be up the next morning to do it all over again.

As soon as you poured your wine your phone ringing obnoxiously loud killed the mood. You pick it up not recognizing the number at all, but seeing it was a call from Derry, Maine. Just upon seeing the town, a familiar feeling struck you, something that was pulling you to answer.

“Hi is this Y/N L/N?”

“This is she. “

“Hi this is Katherine with Juniper Hills Asylum.”

Why the hell was a random mental hospital calling you?

“Can I ask why you’re calling?”

“Ah yes, due to good behavior and new found evidence in the case that he did not commit these crimes, Henry Bowers is to be released early, and to the first person on his emergency contact form, which is you.”

Hearing his name again made you feel like you just got punched in the gut. And then you know the feeling. It was everything your first boyfriend had made you feel. You needed to take a minute to debate whether you would go.

“Oh I have another call I’ll call you back soon.”

“Alright.”

You think of all the pros and cons, you were in New York now which was a while 7 hours away, and it was one am, in order to get there by morning you’d have to leave at three or four. On the other hand you would feel terrible if he was thrown out on to the streets or something. Also the fact that the feelings were slowly coming back, along with memories.

You quickly call your assistant since you decided you would go. Who knows? Maybe it could even be fun.

“Hey Addison? Yeah something just came up I won’t be in tomorrow until late in the afternoon, maybe not at all.”

“Is everything alright Y?N?”

“Yeah fine, fine I just need to go on a business trip in Maine.”

“Oh okay I’ll be sure to get the email out”

“Thanks Addison you’re the best.”

You quickly called the number back.

“Hi Katherine I’ll be there.”

“Great tonight is his last night, he’ll be released to you when you arrive.”

“I can get there around 10.”

“10 am got it, we’ll let the other workers know.

You put your wine glass in the fridge and then proceed to grab a bunch of caffeine. By the time you had to go you were more than awake. The closer you got to Derry, the more memories came flooding back to you. Along with guilt, you remember when everything went down, and how you would go to see him.

Then you graduated and once every few days became once a week, once a week to once a month, and by the time you left Derry it was once every few months, and you had to break it off.

You hated hurting him like that, but you had no choice, seeing him even less would just hurt your relationship. You moved to New York for college, and worked your way up to the ladder to where you were now. Currently you were the CEO of a really large fashion magazine, really creating an empire.

You laughed to yourself remembering all the dumb shit you two got into, how he carved your initials into the kissing bridge, your first kiss, your first time, and just everything else.

It felt weird to be back in Derry, you never really forgot it, but you had somehow forgotten enough. Enough where you had made up enough to seem believable in interviews in case they had asked you about your childhood.

You take a deep breath to calm yourself down when you finally pulled into the parking lot. A sense of dread filled your entire body as you were lead down the halls into the lobby by a worker.

Before you entered you could see Henry waiting through the clear double doors, you smiled seeing how nothing had really changed. he still had that rough and tough small town charm and even still had his mullet, which you would be sure he got cut, later.

When the doors open, the look of awe on his face is so heartwarming. He had no idea it was you who was picking him up, his heart swelled seeing you again after all these years, looking somehow even more beautiful.

He was never mad at you for leaving, he actually understood it, and if he held you back, he would hate himself even more. So yeah while being stuck in this hellhole he still loved you and thoughts of you made him smile.

“Y/N,” he asks.

“Hey,” you say softly.

“Hey,” he replies.

Without missing a beat you are hugging, almost wanting to cry at the way he clutches to you as if you were his safe place.

You sign the papers and he practically takes your hand and runs out.

He takes a really deep breath in once outside.

“Aw finally some fresh fuckin’ air.”

“They didn’t let out out?”

“Eh sometimes, but not for long, I swear being stuck in those walls drove everyone even more fuckin’ nuts... it’s the little things you miss the most, but they add up ya know.”

“I guess get that. Like what?”

“Uh fresh air, a nice cig, good food, just to name a few,”

You nod the ride began extremely awkward. Not a word was said from you at first, worried he may have just been secretly mad or something.”

He seemed to pick up on this right away, as after about 25 minutes he looks over at you an smiles.

“I ain’t mad at you.”

“What?”

“For leavin’ I ain’t mad.”

You nod, feeling a weight taken off your shoulders.

And shortly after as cheesy as it was “I Melt With You”  comes on the radio. You smile and turn it up, looking over at him. It was your song back in the day because of a whole running joke. In no time you two are singing terribly at the top of your lungs and laughing.

“God remember that night we snuck out to go to prom. I still have no clue how I got you to go with me.”

“You were my girl, and beside I knew that shit would get me brownie points, and what happened it did.”

“Yeah yeah whatever you say Bowers, you still cut up the dance floor.”

“Maybe,” he smiles.

You pull to a halt when you reach one area.

He looks around and chuckles when he sees you get out of the car.

It was the kissing bridge, you look around and then see it, the carving he made all those years ago, still clear as day, you run your hand over it and grin.

You take a picture with you phone and then head back to the car.

“It’s still there. God I remember that night, on the way back from that shitty horror movie, first time you told me you loved me, after you did that carving.”

“Yeah...” he breaths out still taking in how gorgeous the sunlight bounced off the side of your face

The rest of the ride flies by filled with reminiscing and laughter.

You make stops every now and then at gas stations to refuel and get snacks and drinks.

Henry even surprises you with what you always used to get back in the day.

“You remembered?”

“Layer the blue and the red, blue on top, and then since for some reason it’s such a damn pair like we are a two pack of Slim Jims and I get one. ” he shakes his head with a laugh reciting what you used to say to him all the time when you went on snack “runs” back in the day as he pulls apart the pack, handing you one of them.

“I’m impressed. God it’s been so long since I have this absolute garbage combo!,” you exclaim taking a really big sip of the Slurpee.

“So where are we goin’ anyway? Where do you live?,” he questions a s he takes a bit of his Slim Jim

“New York,” you say his eyes light up and you can see a cute sense of childlike wonder in them 

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Once you hit New York you notice Henry’s eyes go large again  as he looks around at the hustle and bustle of the city and all the shops and stuff. Now though the crashing effects of the caffeine were starting to get to you, but you wanted to get Henry settled in, and then get him a few things, considering his old clothes definitely wouldn’t fit him, and lord knows he probably wanted out of that hoodie and uniform.

You take another sip hoping that the sugar will be enough to keep you up.

When you pull up just by the size of the outside of the building Henry was taken so back, but that was nothing compared to his face when he got inside.

“Holy shit Baby! This is like a fuckin’ mansion how do you not get lost? What do you do to live here?”

“I uh, I run a fashion magazine, and help design stuff, CEO of the company now actually,” you say feeling flustered hearing him calling you “Baby” again.

“God damn!”

“Yeah it’s pretty nice.”

“That’s an understatement.”

You laugh as he looks around.

“Okay so I’ll show you the bathroom so you can showers, and then I’ll just give you some men’s designs I have lying around here, then we can go out and I can get you a few things,”

“Hot water,” Henry says as you start walking him to one of the bathrooms.

“Huh?”

“That’s another small thing you miss, hot water.”

“They didn’t give you hot water?”

“They did at first, but then the damn shower busted and they never got it fixed.”

“Well you can take all the hot water you want, just leave your clothes on the chair there and uh I guess I’ll uh-”

“Burn em.”

“You want me to burn them?”

“I ain’t ever wearin’ that shit again, not like you wanna keep it.”

“Okay noted. I’ll burn it, and I’ll leave you fresh stuff in the guest room 2nd door to the left from here.”

He nods and starts stripping before you leave, making you laugh.

“Can you wait till I leave?”, you joke.

“Ain’t nothing you ain’t seen before,” he smirks, making your slight blush come back.

“Yeah well it’s been a while since I’ve seen it. I don’t know if anything’s changed<” you tease and drift your eyes downward.

“Only for the better Darlin’ not much to do in that hellhole, but walk around, watch the shit they had on the tv, read somethin’, or workout.”

You laugh again and shut the door, heading to your design room. to get him something casual, but nice. You luckily had some down played stuff from a shoot coming up. Sure you liked fresh stuff on your models, but you could always wash the stuff, and have it pressed to restore it. 

You quickly retrieve his outfit from the bathroom and lit your fire place throwing in stuff one by one slowly so it doesn’t grow too large, then grab some more caffeine to stay awake. 

Oh yeah you were going to for sure gong to crash at like 7 or 8 tonight and there was no way you were going to try and go in today, you’d be falling asleep during any meetings.

You pick up your phone, calling Addison again to let her know.

“Hey Girl.”

“Hey.”

“I just wanted to let you know that the maybe has definitely turned into a no go today, I am exhausted.”

“Aw I’m sorry, make sure you get some rest tonight okay?”

“Oh trust me I will soon. Just wanted to let you know that way you knew that you and Mark were still in charge and heads of the meetings and all that. I mean you can call or text if you need something during them of course, but yeah just wanted to give you a heads up on that. Plus they are smaller meeting anyway so I know for sure you guys will handle them perfectly.”

“Thanks.”

“Of course,” you say as you hear the shower finally shut off.

“I gotta go, but good luck I know you two will do great!”

“Alright. Thanks for the heads up. I can put an extra shot of espresso into your latte if you want.”

“Oh yes! I know I’ll definitely need it, I know I’m still gonna come in tired despite how much sleep I get tonight God knows I won’t wanna get up thanks. Okay see ya.”

“Bye.”

You turn around and your breath hitches for a minute when you see Henry in the outfit you had chosen. He almost looked entirely different then he did when you picked him up now that he was in actual clothes.

“So how do i look Sweetheart could I be in Vogue or what?,” he jokes striking a ridiculous pose with a smolder on his face.

“Sure. 

You let him pick out whatever he liked, along with helping him with a few things, and making sure he head a few nicer pieces and a suit, then go to the barber’s shop.

“Okay I know it’ll be shocking and all, but Hen....the mullet has to go you need to update your look for a full 2016 makeover.”

The look on his face was priceless.

You tell the guy how to fix it at least a bit, making sure the mullet goes, he could style it up if he wanted, but something told you he would just leave it with the slight bangs he had. either way it was for sure an upgrade.

When he was done he looked in the mirror, ran his hand through it a bit, you could tell he liked it. Then he puts his hand on the back of his neck, feeling it.

“Feels weird. Like I always had it.”

You laugh.

“You look good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you find yourself leaning in, in the slightest way to kiss him before catching yourself, your phone ringing saved you so you stepped out to take it. It was Addison making sure of a few things before the meeting started, but you were thankful for her timing.

You went back in mentally kicking yourself for that. Hoping he didn’t notice, which it didn’t seem he did. Like it would be weird after all this time to just pick things back up where they left off right? 

Like it had been forever and sure he may have been being flirty all day, but that could also just be because you were taking him in. Also would he even want that?

You shake your thoughts and then go to the apple store where you had the field day of teaching him his way around a modern phone. Were you spoiling him a bit? Yes. But you couldn’t help it, despite these feelings coming back, you wanted him to be able to find his way around the city, even if it wasn’t by your side.

Once you leave of course it starts to rain, you quickly rush into the house, changing into comfy clothes and grabbing a blanket. You eventually drift off, waking up somehow in your bed to the loud crash of thunder.

Did Henry carry you here? How long did it take him to find your room? Did he tuck you in or did you just pull up the blankets yourself? The thunder takes you out of your thoughts along with a squeaking sound. 

You check your phone it was midnight, you fell asleep around 7, and you had around 5 maybe 6 more hours before you had to get up, and head into the office. While you did wanna go back to sleep, you still felt pretty refreshed from that nap. First thing first though you wondered what that noise was. 

You pull on a hoodie and quickly find your source when Henry’s door was open. You see him toss and turn, seeming to be stuck in a nightmare. You knew he hated storms back then, they were harsh and loud, and reminded him of the lashes his father gave him.

It made sense that without any form of comfort over all these years, along with whatever else piled on top of that, that he would still be afraid. He wakes up in a gasp, wiping the cold sweat off of his forehead.

You gently knock on the door he looks over and slightly smiles seeing you.

“Hey,” you gently say.

“Hey Doll.”

“You still hate storms.”

He nods.

“Yeah. Yeah they're the fuckin’ worst.”

“Well now that we’re both up you uh, you want me to make some cocoa?”

“Yeah..sounds nice.”

“You still want that dash of cinnamon?”

“Please.”

“You got it”

He sits on the couch, hugging one of your pillows, as you get to work on the cocoa., when it’s finished you add the final touches, and can’t help but sneak a glance at him shirtless, when he releases the pillow to take the mug.

He was definitely right in that joke earlier you notice that he for sure had lots of muscle still built up. You try and shake yourself out of your thoughts, but this time it just holds there.

“Um do you wanna sleep in my room tonight? It just sounds like your fear has gotten worse. I’d hate to leave you alone with that.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Once the cocoa is done, you put the mugs in the sink and go back to the couch. The thoughts cloud your mind again when he lays next to you, and you want nothing more than to either be held or to hold him. You just decide to let it out before it bottles up.

“Hey Henry?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you um...do you still have feelings for me?”

“That obvious huh?”

That took you for surprise.

“No actually I was in my head all day about it. When I got that phone call the other night some feelings came back, but once I got into Derry and saw you again they hit me like a damn bus. I just wasn’t sure how you felt.”

“Well now you do, the thoughts of you were the only thing that could get me to even crack a smile in that shit hole.”

“Do you...do you still love me?”

“Princess I never stopped.”

You lean up and finally after all these years kissed him again, and that was the final nail in the coffin with every single emotion blasting through your body. You pull away and he caresses your face.

“You had no idea how badly I’ve wanted to do that all day or to just do it again for so long.”

“Come ere’,” you say and as if it’s nothing has changed.

You remember the first time he came to you in the rain, not caring it was pouring or storming, he needed you after a particularly rough time from his dad. It was also the first time he came to you after his dad, and after a bit of comfort he told you the truth.

He shifted over into your arms, and you started to do what always used to calm him down, running your fingers through his hair.

“I missed you,” he says smiling up at you.

You kiss him again and quickly drift off again, getting back together with Henry or even really seeing Henry again was definitely not how you would have expected to spend a day, but you weren’t complaining.

He was here in your arms again and you were going to be here for him this time. You would be here to help him heal, to help him grow, and everything else.

[weasleysicon]

Conspicuous [Greaser!Ashton One Shot]

requested?: no

a/n: hello all, i’ve been very sad and stressed lately so i’ve decided to write a greaser!ashton one shot to fill that empty void in my life. the picture attached straight up gave me the inspiration. enjoy! i also recently hit 400 followers and i would like to thank everybody so much! i love u guys

warnings: language, violence, mention of violence, smut (i’ve never written smut before so i’m S ORRY if it seems a little awkward)

word count: 7.6k (this is the longest thing i have ever written in my enTIRE EXISTENCE)

another a/n: shoutout to my love, sierra (@cosmocalum), for helping me with this one shot when i was really stuck! love u buggy <3

Conspicuous, 1: standing out so as to be clearly visible. 2: attracting notice or attention.

1956

“SO, HEARD YOU’RE getting out today,” his cellmate, Vinny, piped from across their small shared cell. Ashton turned his attention away from the book he was reading, looking at the blonde man across from him.

“Seems that t’be that way,” he added quietly, not in the mood to have a conversation. Ashton Irwin was arrested for tagging and petty theft in 1953, leaving his entire life behind. He had everything he could’ve ever wanted, he was planning on finally giving the love of his life the promise ring his mother passed on to him, his family was finally opening their hearts to him, and he was surrounded with quite possibly the best people he could imagine.

He could still remember the day he was arrested; he could remember the look on his girl’s face as the cops busted into his small apartment and took him away from her, for three years.

“What are you gonna do once you’re a free man?” Vinny questioned, attempting to keep the conversation going.

“What kind of dumbass question is that, Vin?” Ashton grimaced, disgusted by such a question. He looked at Vin, who was holding a look of general wonder. He sighed, “if you must know, I’m going to get my girl. I know she’s been waiting for me all these years.”

“Irwin, she ain’t wait for you, bud.” Vinny wasn’t trying to sound like an asshole, but he felt that Ashton deserved the truth. “No girl ever waits for their fella in prison, no matter how much she loved you.”

Ashton turned his head back to the book, “she waited for me, Vin, I know she did.”

            -------

“Irwin, up! You’re out,” the guard sounded as he pulled open the cell door. Ashton closed the book he was reading and stood up to finally get out and find his girl. As he was walking through the corridor, some of the inmates were cheering, the others jeering. All of the words of anything but affirmation rolled off his back, he was getting out and they weren’t. Nearing the front desk, Ashton could see his best friend, Calum, sitting in the waiting room. A smile painted across his face, happy that someone came to get him. Rounding the corner to the desk, Ashton was presented with papers that he had to sign stating that he understood his parole and he was passed a bag with his belongings.

“Hey, mate,” Calum’s thick, gruff Australian voice sounded through his ears. Calum stood up from where he was standing to envelop his best friend in a hug, which Ashton very happily returned. “I’ve missed you, man. Streets ain’t been the same without you,” Calum said. He wasn’t lying, their small group of four hadn’t been the same once their key member was jailed, considering Ashton was like their leader in a sense.

Ashton flashed a small smile, “let’s go, Hood, I got things to do.”

As they neared Calum’s car, Ashton smiled again. “Still got your old Hudson Hornet? Nice to know that things haven’t changed much,” Ashton mused. Calum cracked a smile as he unlocked the doors and the two men slid into the car.

“What’re you gonna do now that you’re out?” Calum sounded, starting the engine. Ashton was ripping open the plastic bag and grabbed out the only two things he had on his person at the time of his arrest: his leather jacket, and his wallet. After sliding on the black jacket, he opened his wallet and took out the small picture he had.

“I’m gonna go see Sweet Pea, she’s gonna be over the moon that I’m out,” Ashton said quietly. He could’ve sworn he heard Calum’s breath hitch at the mention of Sweet Pea. The smile Ashton had on his face faltered a bit, “Calum, what’s wrong?”

“Mate, no one’s heard from Sweet Pea since you got locked up. She stopped coming around,” Calum said quietly, scared that if he said it any louder that Ashton would blow up.

Ashton’s head snapped away from the picture and towards Calum. She what!? He really had no words. She always told him that they were together forever, that they would always wait for each other, no matter what. “That’s… impossible. Maybe she just didn’t wanna hang out with you three dodo birds without me, take me to her house.”

Driving down the street couldn’t have been more awkward for Calum. He’d only scraped the surface of everything that’s changed. He didn’t even tell him the worst part of Sweet Pea dropping him, and honestly, he didn’t want to.

As they pulled up to her folk’s house, Ashton swung the door open and almost flew up the stairs to the porch. Upon knocking, the sound of laughter could be heard from inside and Ashton’s heart skipped a beat, that was his girl’s laugh. Knocking on the door, his heart was pounding in his chest. The door swung open, revealing some schmuck who didn’t look like he belonged in the house. “And who are you?” this mystery guy questioned.

A grimace took over Ashton’s face, “none of your business, where’s Sweet Pea?” As soon as he said her name, she appeared from behind the man, a worried look on her face.

“It’s okay, Johnny, it’s just Ashton,” she said, grabbing onto Johnny’s bicep. “Go wait for me in the kitchen, love, I’ll only be a minute,” as soon as she muttered those words, Johnny pressed a light kiss to her lips, causing Ashton’s eyes to almost bug out of his eyes. What in the actual fuck? Why is he kissin’ my girl? My girl! “Ashton--”

“Sweet Pea? What’s goin’ on?” Ashton asked. He couldn’t believe what was going on. His girl, with another man, kissing him and calling him love. “I just got out, babe, I’m here to take you home,” Ashton said, stepping closer, attempting to pull her into him. Sweet Pea backed away from him, rejecting his gesture with a swat of her hand.

“No, Ashton.” She ran a hand through her hair, trying to formulate the words she needed to get her point across to him. “You weren’t there for me, what was I supposed to do? Johnny’s good to me, Ash. He loves me, takes care of me, and most of all, he doesn’t get into trouble,” she explained. She wanted to wait for Ashton, she really did, but she couldn’t take the pain of not knowing if he was okay or not, if he was staying alive in prison or getting killed in the courtyard.

“You don’t belong with him, darling, he’s a fuckin’ preppy. He can’t protect you like I can, you know that, Sweet Pea,” Ashton tried to reason, stepping closer to her once again. When he reached for her again, he was met with Johnny stepping in front of her.

“I can do her one better, Greaseball,” Johnny taunted. “I can provide a life for her. The only thing you can provide for her is pain and danger, whereas I can give her the life of luxury a beautiful woman like her deserves--”

“You know nothing of our fuckin’ relationship, so I’d back up if I were you, you trust fund baby,” Ashton interjected, about halfway to sending Johnny to the emergency room with a broken nose.

“I know plenty, asshole. Get back in your buddy’s little car and tag a wall or something, trash,” Johnny finished, holding his arm out so Ashton couldn’t shuffle any closer to her. “She doesn’t love you, man--”

“Johnny, plea--” Sweet Pea tried to silence them, knowing now that Johnny was trying to get a rise out of Ashton.

“Men are talking, Sweet Pea. Go to the kitchen and find your mother,” Johnny turned his head ever so slightly to give her a hardened look. “I think you should leave, Trailer Trash.”

As Ashton was starting to step down the stairs, he turned around to glance at Sweet Pea once more, a look of sadness washing over his face. “You always said you’d wait, Sweet Pea, no matter what. You lied to me,” Ashton whispered the last part, scared that if he said it any louder, he would cry, which he did not want to do. Sliding back into Calum’s car, he let out an exasperated sigh and ran his fingers through his hair.

“For what it’s worth, mate, you still have us,” Calum said, trying to lighten up the mood.

Ashton whipped his head to Calum, “shut the fuck up and drive, Hood.”

             -------

“So he just showed up three years later—fresh out of jail—to… what? Try to get you back?” Rosie asked. Rosie was Sweet Pea’s long term best friend who knew every nook and cranny of Sweet Pea’s history with Ashton. It wasn’t hard to see the confusion in her eyes, this wasn’t a normal situation.

Sweet Pea swirled the tea around in her mug as they sat in the small diner on the Northside of town. Ever since Ashton was jailed, Sweet Pea steered clear of the Southside, scared that she might run into Ashton’s gang. “Yes! Then Johnny tried to pick a fight with him, calling him Trailer Trash and Greaseball, it just- it wasn’t good, Rose.”

“I can’t fucking stand Johnny.”

“Rose!”

“Well, it’s true. He needs to get off his high horse. You’ve been with him for, what, 11 months? You were with Ashton for 4 and a half years! Johnny doesn’t have shit on him,” Rosie expressed. Truth be told, Sweet Pea did feel something when she saw Ashton for the first time in three years. He was the first man she ever loved; he taught her how to be daring, showed her what true passion was. She could never forget that, no matter how much she wanted to.

She was angry at Ashton for getting himself locked up, yes, but he didn’t deserve to be dragged the way Johnny did. “I-I have to go, Rose. There’s something I need to take care of,” Sweet Pea blurted as she abruptly stood up from the booth and placed a few dollars on the table for her tea. She needed to talk to Ashton, to hear him out, without Johnny around. She didn’t know how she was going to do it, but dammit, it needed to happen soon.

             -------

“I’m sorry about that, man,” said Calum to his best friend, “what happened at Sweet Pea’s house this morning was uncalled for, you didn’t deserve that.” Calum was right. What happened at Sweet Pea’s house was uncalled for, but there was nothing he could do about it. Ashton appreciated having a friend like Calum though, he was always there and although sometimes he’s a little moody, he always made sure his friends and family were taken care of.

“It’s okay, Cal,” Ashton reassured. He sighed, he didn’t know what he could do to get her back, not when she’s with that fuckboy preppy. “I just-- I need to take my mind off of her. Would you mind taking me to my parents house? I need to apologize for not talking to them for three years.”

“Ashton--”

“I don’t have time to argue about this. Just take me, please, Calum,” Ashton pleaded. Calum obliged, as the two men walked out of Calum’s small apartment.

Pulling up to Ashton’s family home, he felt the same excitement and worry he felt as when they pulled up to Sweet Pea’s house earlier that day. Ashton didn’t keep in contact with his family while he was in jail, too afraid of the disappointment and the stress he’d be putting his mother and siblings through. As Calum’s car sat on the curb, Ashton stayed staring at the house. There was a different car in the driveway, which Ashton just waved off as the possibility of his mother purchasing a new car. But then he saw it. The curtains were drawn back and he had the perfect view of the inside of the house, where he saw a little old man cross into the living room and sit in a big arm chair that he also did not recognize. Ashton was… confused, to say the least. “What in the,” he whispered to himself as he unbuckled his seat belt.

“What are you doing, Ash?” Calum questioned, ready to stop his friend from going and scaring this poor old man.

Ashton looked at Calum for a split second before directing his stare back at the house. “I need to see who that is and why the fuck he’s in my mother’s house.” As Ashton was getting ready to open the car door, Calum placed a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

“Listen, man, this is going to be hard to hear,” said Calum, “your family moved out of town about a year and a half ago, nobody knows why or where they moved to.” At this, shock took over Ashton’s body. He slowly pulled the car door closed and sat there, shell shocked. His family left him.

“Th-They left me?” Ashton said in the smallest voice. Ashton wasn’t one to cry but dammit, this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

“Ash—“

“No, Calum, they fuckin’ left me! First, the love of my life decides to replace me with some preppy asshole and now my family up and left me! I have no one, man, no one!” Wiping a few stray tears off his cheeks, Ashton sniffled and the look on his face hardened.

“Ashton, you’re not alone, mate. You have me, you know my apartment is open to you,” Calum said quietly, “why don’t we get drinks tonight, huh? Might do ya some good.”

The ride to the bar was filled with silence, neither of them knowing the correct words to say. Ashton was a little more on edge, with good reason. The ride seemed to be going on a little longer than Ashton had remembered, noticing that they entered the part of town where Luke and Michael lived. Luke and Michael lived more on the Eastside of town, whereas Calum—and now Ashton—lived on the Southside of Grand Haven. “What are we doing, man?” Ashton asked, “I thought we were going to the bar.”

“We are, Ash, we’re just doing something first,” Calum assured him.

At this point, Ashton could add skeptical to the list of emotions he was currently feeling. “I can see that, but my question was what are we doing?” Ashton emphasized the question, hoping that Calum would catch onto the hint of annoyance in his voice. Calum did not.

“Just-- you’ll see, mate,” Calum said to his best friend, “you’ll see.”

Ashton sighed. “I fucking hate surprises, Hood.”

It turns out that exactly what Ashton thought was happening, was happening. They had picked up Michael and Luke to join them at the bar for the night. He wasn’t explicitly angry, he loved Michael and Luke to pieces, he just hadn’t told them that he was released from prison, much less anything else that was currently going on.

The rest of the car ride was awkward, to say the least. It was filled with small talk, mostly from Calum and the other two, with occasional head nods from Ashton to show he was still down on Earth with them. Every once and awhile, one of the boys would attempt to converse with Ashton about how he was doing, with no prevail.

About three hours later, Ashton was feeling light on his feet. He typically wasn’t one to get drunk quickly but not having a single drink for three years really changes a person's tolerance. Although he was feeling better, his thoughts were still consumed by Sweet Pea. He wasn’t sure what possessed him to get up begin walking towards the exit of the bar, leather jacket in hand, but that’s exactly what he was doing. He didn’t get far, as one of the boys tried to grab his bicep to stop him. “Whoa, whoa, whoa where are you going, mate?” Michael asked, trying to pull his friend back to where everyone else was.

“I’m goin-- I just need a breath of fresh air, mate,” Ashton said, “I’ll be back.” Knowing that he couldn’t keep him from going outside, Michael let him. As Ashton was standing outside, it seemed as if his brain and his feet were moving on autopilot. He wasn’t sure if what he was doing was the right thing, but the alcohol in his system was telling him otherwise. The bar they were currently at was located in the central part of Grand Haven, towards the back, but Ashton has made this walk many a time. The February air was quite chilly tonight, but his leather jacket kept him warm enough, as well as the alcohol in him. Walking down the street, Ashton was all in his head. He wasn’t quite sure of what he was going to say yet, he just knew he had to go to her.

About halfway to the Northside of town, the once busy streets of Grand Haven began to quiet down, as everyone was off of work and inside their homes. It was beginning to get colder as well, as it was nearing the later part of night. The walk from the bar to Sweet Pea’s house wasn’t very far, it was just taking Ashton longer since he was intoxicated and worrying about how he was walking so he wouldn’t trip and fall. He was so caught up in his own mind, he almost didn’t register the hand slamming on his shoulder. “Cal, mate--”

“Did you not hear me, Greaseball?” Ashton turned around to be face to face with some random townie. “Go back to your dumpster.”

Ashton blinked, suddenly it seemed as if the alcohol in his veins was leaving his body. “Excuse me?” He was confused for two reasons: why this person decided to bother him, and why in the hell did this townie think it was fine putting his hands on him?

“You don’t belong here,” the townie once again repeated. Ashton felt his face heat up, who was this person to say whether or not he belonged somewhere? Why does it matter? What was Ashton doing that bothered this person so much?

“Sorry you feel that way, mate,” Ashton said, “bye.” The townie obviously wasn’t pleased with Ashton’s tone of voice, seeing as he once again grabbed his shoulder and shoved him. If Ashton wasn’t already fuming, he sure in hell was now. As he turned around, he scowled at the person behind him. “What the fu--”

Ashton’s words were met with a fist straight to his mouth. Is this piece of shit townie really trying to pick a fight? It didn’t take long for him to react, swinging at the townie himself. Ashton let the anger that had been boiling in his body all day take over, swinging relentlessly at the guy, receiving a few punches to the gut and cheek himself. Ashton wasn’t going to stop until the man was on the floor and would leave him alone. With a few more swings to the stomach and chin, the townie was sent to the ground groaning. “Fucking hell,” Ashton muttered as he turned around to leave the man on the ground.

“You’re on the wrong side of town,” the townie groaned as he stood to his feet. Shouldn’t I be saying that? Ashton thought in his head as he turned around to once again come face to face with the townie. How in the fuck did he get up? The townie snickered, “you’re gonna regret coming back.” He reached into the pocket of his blue jeans and pulled out a switchblade, smirking at Ashton.

“What the fuck?” Ashton said, stepping back. The townie stepped forwards once again, swinging the switchblade, slashing him on his stomach. Ashton doubled over in pain, hand gripping his stomach. The townie swung again, this time slitting Ashton’s cheek. Shit, if Ashton thought he was in pain now, this was excruciating.

The townie crouched down to Ashton’s level, smirking, “you’re trash,” he spat, “go back to prison where you belong.”

             -------

The sound of the doorbell startled Sweet Pea from the half sleep state she was in. She glanced at the clock on the wall above the television set, 2:54 AM. She blinked a couple times, wondering who was at the door at such a late hour into the night. She flicked on the porch light, looking through the peephole. Ashton. It’s Ashton.

Sweet Pea quickly unlocked the front door and swung it open, to reveal a hurt Ashton. He half smiled upon seeing her, as that was all he could do without doubling over in pain. “Ashton,” she began, pulling her robe tighter around her as the chilly February breeze hit her unexpectedly, “are you okay? Let me take a look at you.”

Listening to her, Ashton sauntered over to Sweet Pea. She lifted her hands, running her fingers along his cheek, where the new slash made home. As her finger ran across it, Ashton hissed “Gentle, love,” he whispered, afraid that if he spoke too loud he’d scare the small, doe-eyed woman in front of him.

“Come on, let's get you cleaned up, okay?” She asked, carefully gripping his bicep so she could pull him inside her house. Sweet Pea lead him into the small kitchen and had him sit the table so she could get the first aid kit to tend to his wounds. Walking over to him ripping open an alcohol pad with his teeth, she looked into Ashton’s eyes for the first time that night. There was something in them she couldn’t exactly pinpoint; she didn’t know what she was doing. Here she was in her kitchen, cleaning up her ex-boyfriend-slash-ex-con after what seemed to be a bad fight at nearly 3 AM. “This is going to sting a little,” she warned him before bringing the alcohol wipe to his split lip to clean off the dried blood. Once again Ashton hissed, pleading Sweet Pea to be gentle, to which she replied with a small smile.

“I’m sorry,” Ashton started, “I shouldn’t have come to bother you, love.”

Sweet Pea sighed, “what happened to you?”

“I was at the bar with Calum and the boys and I needed to come see yo--”

“No, Ashton,” she said to him with her eyes shut as if she was trying to figure out what the right words were to say, “I’m not talking about tonight. I’m talking about in general. What happened to the man I once knew? My Ashton would not have gotten himself locked up.”

“Sweet Pea, please,” Ashton said. He’d been waiting to tell her why he got put into prison in the first place for the longest time, he just… he didn’t know how. How was he supposed to tell the love of his life that he was caught shoplifting when he already had a warrant on a tagging charge? “This is gonna be really hard for me to say, doll,” Ashton told the woman in front of him, looking at him with a sense of worry that Ashton could detect a mile away, “I was arrested on a petty theft charge when I already had a warrant out for tagging.”

“You… what? You had a warrant out for your arrest?” Sweet Pea was in shock, to say the least. She hung her head, pinching the bridge of her nose. Ashton had never felt more guilt for anything in his entire life and seeing Sweet Pea this incredibly disappointed in him made everything worse. “What’d you try n’ steal, Ash?”

“What?” Ashton asked, taken aback by her words.

“You heard me,” she said, “what did you try to steal?”

Ashton took a deep breath, “medication for Harry.” Little Harry Dawkins was Ashton’s youngest sibling, only twelve at the time of Ashton’s arrest. “He was-he was sick. Mum couldn’t afford the medication for him, I couldn’t afford the medication for him. I wasn’t going to let my little brother be in pain, doll, you know how much my siblings mean to me,” Ashton said quietly, lowering his head in shame. He looked at the floor and then slowly raised his head to make eye contact with Sweet Pea. “I’m angry at myself for getting arrested and leaving my family and leaving you for three years, but I’d do it again. If it meant Harry or Lauren or you were getting what you needed, then fuck, I’d steal anything.”

Sweet Pea felt her stomach tie itself into knots at his words. Ashton always has been a family man. “I understand,” she told him, “you shouldn’t have stolen, though. You could have come to me, love, my parents would’ve been more than happy to get Harry the medication, they have the money for it.”

“I was supposed to provide for you, Sweet Pea, not the other way around,” Ashton said, head hanging low once again.

As much as she would like to suppress it, Sweet Pea couldn’t ignore the feelings she still felt for Ashton in her heart. This was the man she was with for almost five years, how could she not still feel something for him? Sure, he was in jail for three years and she’s with Johnny now but she couldn’t help but think of that would happen if she gave Johnny, and possibly her family up, all for Ashton.

By that morning, Ashton was long gone. Sweet Pea offered for him to sleep on the couch, seeing as he was in no shape to be on his own, which he was thankful for, he just didn’t want her family to find him in the morning. After she cleaned him up, they spent hours catching up and laughing about old stories from when they were still together. Although he wasn’t afraid to admit it, he was scared of his feelings for Sweet Pea. He knew he still loved her, of course he did, but she was with someone new and he had to respect that. As much as he wanted to swoop her into his arms and kiss both of their pain away, he knew that’d only cause more tension.

             -------

Ashton walked into the small diner that morning, he quickly caught sight of his three friends sitting in a booth towards the back. As he was walking to them, Luke looked up and smiled when he saw his friend. “Hey, fellas,” Ashton said as he slid into the booth next to Luke. Looking at the boys, Ashton could tell that Michael was nursing a hangover, as well as Luke.

“What happened to you last night?” Calum asked Ashton, “you can’t just disappear like that, man.You look horrible.” Ashton let out a huff. He knew that Calum was just looking out for his best interest, but holy shit, Ashton was a grown man who could take care of himself. Worry about yourself, Calum.

“I went to see Sweet Pea,” Ashton started. Upon hearing that, all of the boys suddenly perked up. “On my way there, some random townie stopped me, talking about how I was in the ‘wrong part of town’ and then pulled a fucking blade on me.” As soon as he said the word blade, Michael’s eyes went wide.

“Dude, are you okay?” Michael asked.

Ashton laughed, “I’m fine, mate,” he said to Michael, “Sweet Pea cleaned my wounds for me.”

“Sweet Pea? She took care of you?” Calum asked, almost as if he didn’t believe what Ashton was saying. What’s that supposed to mean? Ashton tried to hide his annoyance, but he wasn’t always the best at hiding his facial expressions.

“Yes, Calum, she took care of me. After that we talked for hours. I explained what happened to her and then we spent some time catching up,” Ashton said, “it was really nice.”

“You sound like a lovesick puppy,” Luke chuckled.

“So what if I’m in love? It’s not like my feelings for her have faded away at all,” Ashton raised his voice. Who were they to criticize him spending time with Sweet Pea? Why did it matter if he was still in love with Sweet Pea or not?

“Mate, we’re not trying to piss you off or anything,” Luke started, “but you need to take a look at the situation. She’s in a relationship with someone else, who she probably loves. I know this is hard to hear, but you need to accept the fact that maybe she’s moved on from you.”

             -------

“Mom, I need your advice,” said Sweet Pea, walking into the living room where her mother was sat in her chair with a cup of tea.

“Of course,” her mother said, setting down the romance novel she’d been reading. Sweet Pea’s mother was always the one person she knew she could always count on. Her mother gave the best advice which always had her best interest in mind.

“Don’t get mad at me, mom,” Sweet Pea said to her mother who now had furrowed eyebrows, “Ashton was over last night,” As soon as she mentioned Ashton, her mother's face went to normal, her lips forming into a small smile.

“I know that, honey,” her mother said, “I could hear your guy’s quiet laughter.”

“Mom!” Sweet Pea yelled, covering her face with her hands. “I need to ask you a question.”

“Shoot,” her mother already could guess what Sweet Pea was going to ask, but didn’t want to prod at her daughter, she wanted Sweet Pea to come to those revelations herself.

“When Ashton and I were talking, I-I felt something. Something that I haven’t ever felt being with Johnny,” Sweet Pea started. She wasn’t sure how exactly how to word her feelings to her mother, or even to herself. “I think-I think--”

“You’re still in love with Ashton,” Sweet Pea’s mother finished for her. As soon as the words escaped her mom’s mouth, her eyes went wide. “Don’t worry, sweetie, I already knew. How could you not still be in love with him? You were with him for almost five years, you wanted to plan a future with the man,” her mother said, and she was right. Before Ashton was jailed, Sweet Pea had sat down with both of her parents, explaining that she was in love with the ill-tempered Greaser who she saw a complete future with.

“I don’t know what to do, Mom,” Sweet Pea whispered, hanging her head down in frustration.

“You tell him, dear,”  her mother said, “love is too beautiful of a thing to let go like that. If you don’t tell Ashton how you feel and you stay with Johnny, you’re going to regret that for the rest of your life.”

Sweet Pea took a deep breath, her mother was right. I need to tell Ashton, I need to tell Ashton, I need to tell Ashton. The sentence kept repeating itself in her head over and over again until they didn’t sound like words anymore. But what about Johnny? “Mom,” Sweet Pea said, “what about Johnny? Isn’t it not fair to him for me to leave him for someone he considers ‘trailer trash’?”

“It’s more fair for you to leave the relationship now then it’d be if you stayed with him while in love with another man,” her mother said. Sweet Pea always knew her mother had great advice, but it only seems that she is purely talking from the heart right now.

“Mom, you are really passionate about this,” she laughed at her mother. Her mother smiled fondly, looking over to photo of her and her husband.

“Honey, I was in another relationship when I realized I was in love with your father. If I wouldn’t have left that other man, I wouldn’t have your father and more importantly, I wouldn’t have you,” her mother explained. Sweet Pea wasn’t in shock, as opposed to just in awe of her mother. “You need to fight for love, Sweet Pea. And let me tell you, Ashton Irwin is worth fighting for.”

             -------

A little over a week later, Johnny was sat at the dinner table with Sweet Pea and her parents. She’d been acting a little out of character tonight, with good reason. She had given a lot of thought to what her mother said and yes, she was going to end things with Johnny and confess her feelings to Ashton. How could she not? It wasn’t that Johnny wasn’t good to her, she just didn’t share the same chemistry with him that she has with Ashton.

The family ate in silence, the awkward tension rising in the room. Johnny very awkwardly cleared his throat and looked at Sweet Pea’s parents. “If I could have everyone’s attention, please,” he asked as he stood up from his seat, directing his attention to a very awkward looking Sweet Pea. “Sweet Pea, I love you. I know we haven’t been together very long, but I know we’re here to stay,” Johnny began, causing Sweet Pea and her mother’s eyes to almost bulge out of their heads. This cannot be happening. Sweet Pea whipped her head over to her mother, who was staring down at her plate, pushing the pot roast around. Helpful.

“Johnny, what are you doing?” She asked him. She had a feeling of what he was going to do, but she didn’t want to believe that’s what actually was happening.

Johnny sighed. “Let me finish, Sweet Pea,” he demanded. For someone who’s confessing their love, he’s awfully rude. “As I was saying, I wanna spend the rest of my life with you,” he said, moving from his seat the kneel in front of her. Sweet Pea couldn’t contain the gasp escaping from her mouth, as well as her mother. This was not happening right now. “Please, please, please marry me, Sweet Pea.”

She looked into his eyes for the first time that evening. This wasn’t the future she saw for herself. She didn’t see her elf as being a little housewife for a man who didn’t even appreciate her; she saw herself with someone who wants better for her and someone who was okay with the fact that Sweet Pea didn’t want the stereotypical family. Sweet Pea saw herself with someone much like Ashton. “I-I… Johnny, I need to talk to you,” she looked over at her parents, “alone.”

Sweet Pea’s parents excused themselves to the backyard, while Sweet Pea stayed seated in her chair. Johnny stood up and began pacing, which made Sweet Pea even more nervous. “What are we talking about?” Johnny asked, stopping so he was standing in front of her once again.

“Johnny,” Sweet Pea started nervously, “I don’t know how to tell you this.”

Johnny furrowed his eyebrows together, “tell me what?” His tone sounded a little harsher than Sweet Pea would like, not that she was surprised.

Sweet Pea closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath. It’s now or never. Opening her eyes, she muttered, “I can’t marry you, Johnny.” As soon as the words fell past her lips, Johnny’s eyes went wide and his once blank stare was hardened.

“Oh yeah?” Johnny started, venom lacing his words. “And why is that?”

“I don’t- I don’t love you…” Sweet Pea whispered.

At that sentence, Johnny scoffed. “You don’t love me?” he shouted. “Who do you love? Hmm? I wanna know the truth.”

“Johnny, I-I--”

“No I know who, you love that fuckin’ Greaseball, don’t you?” he sneered. “That piece of shit can’t provide for you. I don’t know why you think that being with him is going to be easy, Sweet Pea,” Johnny laughed, “if you’d marry me, you wouldn’t have to work a day in your life. That Greaser can’t offer you that. You’ll be working more than he does.”

Sweet Pea stood up from her seat, blood boiling that he could ever talk about someone so amazing in such a demeaning tone. “You know what, Johnny? Yeah, I do love that ‘fuckin’ Greaseball’, who’s name is Ashton, by the way. That man has shown me more love in the four and a half years I was with them than an entire lifetime with you,” she spat. Johnny looked a little taken aback at the newfound attitude Sweet Pea has acquired. “Before you judge someone, why don’t you actually get to know them? Ashton has more kindness in his pinkie than you have in your entire body, his smile can light up a room, and fuck, you can lose yourself in that man’s eyes for hours.” She didn’t know why she was telling Johnny all of this, perhaps she was more so talking to herself at this point than to him. “I love that ill-tempered man with the sweetest heart,” she ended, looking back at Johnny’s hardened face, feeling absolutely disgusted with herself for putting up with him for as long as she did. Shaking her head, she began to walk down the hallway where her bedroom door was. Looking back one last time, she smirked, “you can leave now, Johnny.” And like that, she single handedly realized two things: Johnny was a piece of shit and that she was sure that Ashton Irwin was the love of her life.

             -------

“You sure you don’t wanna go out with us, mate?” Calum asked Ashton. The boys had all been trying to convince Ashton to go to the bar with them again, but Ashton couldn’t bring himself to go.

Ashton flashed a small smile at his friends, “why don’t you guys just go? I’ll be fine here.” Not wanting to waste any more time, Calum just nodded and bid his best friend goodbye. Ashton sighed to himself, happy that he was finally alone.

Ever since the night that Sweet Pea took care of him, he couldn’t get her out of his mind. She was already always consuming his thoughts, now it was taken to the next level. He found that night at Sweet Pea’s house to be very therapeutic, knowing that it was probably time for her to know the truth.

For the next hour and a half or so, Ashton stared at the small black and white television set Calum had set up in the living room. The movie Casablanca was playing and Ashton couldn’t help but feel a sense of sadness. Sweet Pea absolutely loves this movie with her entire being, always watching it when it came on the television and of course forcing Ashton to watch it with her. Towards the end of the movie, there was a knock on the door, startling Ashton out of the relaxation he was previously feeling.

Standing up from the couch, Ashton went to the door and looked out the peephole. It can’t be. As if acting on autopilot, he swung the door open to reveal Sweet Pea. He looked her up and down, taking note of the upset look on her face. “Sweet Pea, love, why are you here?” Ashton asked her.

She looked up into his hazel eyes, and knew that it was time. “I need to talk to you, Ash,” she said to him, “it’s important.”

Upon hearing those words, Ashton’s heart rate picked up and he stood to the side, ushering Sweet Pea into Calum’s apartment. She looked around for a second, her eyes landing on the television set. “You’re watching Casablanca,” she smiled softly.

“Your favorite movie,” Ashton said to her. Sweet Pea turned her head away from the television and to Ashton once again in complete awe. He remembered.

As Ashton took a seat on the couch, Sweet Pea went over and sat down next to him. She didn’t exactly know how to tell him, but it shouldn’t be that hard, right? She had gotten over the obstacle of telling Johnny, but now she was faced with her biggest obstacle of all: telling Ashton her feelings. “So,” she awkwardly began, “Johnny proposed to me.”

Ashton’s eyes widened for a moment. She was goin’ to marry that piece of shit? “Oh-oh yeah? How’d that g--”

“I told him no, Ashton,” she interrupted him. Just then, she felt her breathing go slow. Ashton, on the other hand, swallowed one of the many lumps in his throat. “I told him no,” she repeated again, softer this time.

“You did?” Ashton asked. “Why?”

“Because he’s not the one I love,” she said, looking down at her lap. Sweet Pea looked up, looking gazes with Ashton, the confused expression very clearly painted on his face.

“He’s not the one you love…” Ashton pondered out loud, more to himself than to her.

Without thinking, Sweet Pea whispered, “I love you.” Had it not incredibly quiet in the apartment, the only noise coming from the television that was basically muted, Ashton could’ve missed the three words he’s been waiting to hear for the past three years. “You-you what? Really?” he asked.

Sweet Pea smiled, finally happy that she got what’s been eating her alive for the past week out into the open. “Of course I do, Ash,” she said, reaching her hand out to grasp his, “it’s you. It’s always been you.”

Ashton looked at her in complete and utter shock. He couldn’t believe that she actually said it to him. Sure, he knew she probably still had a little bit of love for her, but she was really good at hiding it. He closed his eyes, basking in the moment for a second. It was what Sweet Pea said next that made everything feel real.

“Ashton,” she said, catching him out of his own thoughts. “Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time.” She was quoting the movie, and the line couldn’t be more fitting for the moment.

Ashton collided his lips with Sweet Pea’s in what seemed like the most desperate, romantic, lustful, and overdue kiss either one of them had ever experienced. It was rushed, but slow. Sloppy, yet beautiful. Neither of them had even realized that in all this time, this was what they needed.

They kissed each other as if their lives depended on it, and before too long, they were shedding one another of their clothing. Ashton’s head was spinning, as this was the happiest he’s felt in the last three years. Heaven. This must be what Heaven feels like.

When Sweet Pea rid herself of her top, Ashton’s pink lips attached to her chest, sucking and marking her as his, leaving a fiery trail in his wake. Sweet Pea let a moan escape her lips, which was music to Ashton’s ears. He could feel himself getting more and more excited as the minutes were passing by, the excitement building in his stomach.

When Ashton flipped the two of them, so she was now beneath him, he finally pulled down both his trousers and his boxers in one swift movement. Ashton sighed at the simple relief he found from just freeing himself from the confines of his pants. He then pulled Sweet Pea’s pants and underwear down and sat up, smiling at her. “You’re so fuckin’ beautiful,” he said to her, making the heat rise to her cheeks as she pulled Ashton by his face down to hers to catch him in a messy kiss. As their lips moved in sync, Ashton trailed his hand down her body, stopping at her heat. When he slipped his fingers through her folds, Sweet Pea let out a squeaky moan, fueling Ashton to go further. “You’re so wet for me, doll,” he rasped lowly, “just for me.”

“Just for you,” she quietly moaned. Her moans grew louder and louder and Ashton began to pump his finger in and out of her, preparing her enough to handle his length. When Ashton decided to finally stop building the anticipation, he reached over to the coffee table and pulled the condom from his wallet. Sweet Pea chuckled, “I hope that condom isn’t three years old.” Ashton chuckled back at her awkward comment, sliding the condom on and lining himself up at her entrance.

He looked down at Sweet Pea, clutching her hips and finally pushing himself into her, earning a loud moan from her, to which Ashton replied with a low growl. As Ashton began to thrust, he felt all of his problems fade away. Here he was, with the woman he loves, who loves him back, sharing one of their most romantic moments. He wouldn’t have it any other way.

They were a mess of tongue, sweat, and the sound of skin slapping skin mixed with her soft moans became the soundtrack to the moment. Sweet Pea was nearing her orgasm, Ashton chasing his own, with his thrusts becoming less rhythmic and sloppier.

As Sweet Pea reached her high, squealing a moan, Ashton wasn’t far behind her. Letting a few curse words fall past his lips, he reached his own high with a sigh of relief. When he pulled out of her, Sweet Pea let out a quiet gasp from the sudden empty feeling. Ashton pulled off his condom, throwing it into the trash bin across the living room, taking time to pull on his boxers. He once again took his place on the couch and handed Sweet Pea her panties and his t-shirt, in case the boys came back earlier than he hoped.

And as Ashton and Sweet Pea were laying on the couch, post-sex, neither one of them had ever been more in love than in this moment. He placed a sweet kiss to her forehead, which was lightly covered in sweat, to which Sweet Pea cuddled deeper into his side. “I love you,” he whispered to her, “so fuckin’ much.”

Sweet Pea smiled up at him, “I love you more.”

taglist: @cosmocalum @roselukes @hotmessmichael @fucking5sos @calumculture @ohhmuke @ghostofch @kinglycalum @notoriouslyhood @slimthicccal @calntynes @astroashtonio @glitterprincelu @catchinqcalum @irwinkitten @talkfastfletcher @monsteramongmikey @hereforlukescruff

feedback is appreciated!

[potato-an0n]

What we all need to realize and learn about BTS

I’m not a blogger, or anything like that, but i feel like i want to share some thoughts about BTS’ speech for MAMA 2018. It might be long and disorganized, so bare with me here ok?

For those who aren’t caught up, BTS won almost every category they’re in (congratulations, again), but wen receiving the artist of the year award, they broke down and told us something.....kind of personal and shocking. Jin said in speech (while having an emotional breakdown) that they were thinking about disbanding earlier this year bc of personal reasons we may not know about. now......

Disclaimer: I obviously don’t know anything about them personally, and this isn’t a theory either, think of it as a speculation/ rant of what I think is what bts is going through. I’m using some stuff that we know about bts and what they’ve shared with us and combining it with common knowledge on celebrity life in general and fan culture, international and in Korea. So no hate in the comments, have a problem, talk to me reasonably and we’ll sort things out calmly. Ok, let the chaos begin!!!!!! 

We saw bts have a meltdown right in front of us and though they didn’t go into full detail on why they wanted to disband, despite having a successful 2017, I feel that it gave me a glimpse of how they felt about having all this success. It’s pressuring and overwhelming. Imagine being on top of the world, winning awards left to right, selling out stadiums, breaking records for most views in 24 hrs (Youtube stop deleting views plz), made it on top charts in every music streaming platform, rich af, and having the whole planet wrapped around your fingers. Bts got everything they dreamed of and accomplished so many goals, but do you ever consider the price for their success? I’ve watched this anime called My (boku no for the weebs) hero academia (watch it, highly recommend it) one of the characters mentioned a very interesting line:

“Once you’re at the top, others will try to bring you down.” as accurate as I can get.

Just, let that sink in a little. I mean, they’ve made a lot of distracks to the haters and that includes mic drop and burned them, but that won’t stop them from tearing bts into shreds. For example, raise your hand if you’ve heard somebody say this once in your life

“You listen to kpop? They look like girls? Do they wear make up? Why do you listen to this crap? They’re so overrated. You can’t even understand what they’re saying.” Kpop this, kpop that.

First of all, there’s this thing called English sub titles, use it. and you seem to enjoy despacito, even tho you probably don’t speak español. If you do, then kudos to you, use the fuckin subs! And those boys are more beautiful (in and out) than you’ll ever be, so don’t even try dissing on their looks wen you can’t manage to make yourself look nice for once. (Sorry off topic lmao.)

Anyways, next topic

Keep in mind, this is going to address the fan base, and know that not everyone is a bad fan, some of you guys are chill and total crackheads. just know, if you’re not a crazy fan, you’re not a crazy fan, so don’t feel the need to defend yourself when someone is actually telling the truth about the fan base bc you guys know damn well that the fan base is very aggressive.

I read a post that a research student made on the army, and some people were offended and this person made some good points and means no harm. What stood out the most was when they said, “We’ll be each others downfall.” It sounds over dramatic, but it’s actually very accurate. I mean, you guys seen the fan base, though I hang around the chill and funny armys, I don’t really see or  hear the toxicity of the fan base, however, I still see people post about the toxicity and it’s insane.

 Maybe that’s why bts almost disbanded, bc they couldn’t take it anymore. The pressure of remaining on top of the world, toxic fans stalking them, shoving cameras in their faces, crowding them in airports, not being able to anything without a fan spotting them (side note: some fans were respectful and gave them space, but some also stalked them and even caused an accident (look it up, it happened twice this year), cameras filming them every second of the day, and can’t really be friends with a girl bc dating scandals, let alone fall in love with someone, whether it’s a girl or a boy. This is mostly Korean fans, but this also implies international fans, but Korean fans are the ones who mostly get affected when an idol is dating someone and jealous af. Like seriously, THEY ARE NOT YOURS! Yes, you buy their albums, and merch, but that doesn’t mean you own them!!!!!! Get out of your weird, shitty fantasy mind palace and wake the fuck up!!! Same goes for shippers (mostly taekookers). You can still support them, but frikin, let them be people!!!! GOSH!!!!

Sadly, it’s the cost of being worldwide celebrities. We’ve seen their vlives, bomb/ run episodes, interviews, and burn the stage. All those combined barely scratched the surface on what they’re going through as celebrities. The hardships they dealt with getting here and now the hardships of being on top and maintaining that position, it’s exhausting, mentally and physically. And on top of that, their freedom is technically stripped away. Honestly, even if you say “I support them no matter what,” that’s good for you, but what about the rest of the fan base? If bts decides to come out and lay everything out there for us to see, what now? If they have a girlfriend or a boyfriend would these people still support them? Would you stay by their side? Bc that’s I think they fear the most, us leaving them if they show who they are. There are so many things we don’t about bts and we’ll probably never know, and that’s totally fine. We may be each other’s comfort, but we’re also the downfall of each other. We can’t have a perfect fan base, and there’s always toxic people out there, and are going to probably read this. If you are, look yourself in the mirror, is this who you want to be? If you’ve done some crazy shit and are in denial, then gtfo and get help. PLEASE!!!!! 

And that’s all folks. Sorry if it’s messy, my writing is trash. But please, give the boys love, they really need it, and please respect them and each other. And to bts, please, think of yourselves. We appreciate the hard work you’ve done, we stan hardworking men, but you guys already have a lot on your shoulders and it sucks to put on a smile for us when you’re having a bad day. Just know, you guys are human and you’re allowed to feel things. I’m happy you guys are able to pull through, and I’m glad you guys even talked it out. If things get too hard, or pressuring, talk it out with one another or if you want, maybe talk to us about, it probably won’t really help, but we can try, if you’re comfortable with it.

OK I’M DONE AND EXHAUSTED and I’m fixing some spelling and grammar errors

 Also read some of the comments bc i missed some stuff and I’m too lazy to add in more and they point out really good stuff (for now at least).

[lollytea]

So like I know the good chunk of the snack pack is queer, and like they've all got each other and are super supportive of each other, but like how did their respective guardians all initially react to their kid when they came out to them? Just because I'm still working those bits out in my own head. All I really had thought about was Rosiepuff, as you know, and she's not alive in A Little Change ;w;;;

I’ve thought a few of these over in my head so I should probs write em out somewhere. Okay I’ll give like the official A Little Change Snack Pack parent reactions. If you’ve got like different ideas on what their parents are like in the human au, feel free to disregard. All this is pretty flexible

Branch and Creek: Just gonna get them out of the way first. They kept their mouths shut. Both of them were in households with a lack of communication. There was no coming out to speak of.

Poppy: Our Lord and Saviour Mayor Peppy is a middle aged and thriving bisexual and y’all can fuckign fite me on this. Ofc he was delighted when his daughter came out to him cuz shes comfortable enough to talk with him about it and hes really emotional about that and now he can proudly refer to them as a “Queer Household” FUCK YE BBY GIRL ITS YOUR NIGHT LETS DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WANNA PIZZA WITH GUMMY WORM TOPPINGS??? YOURE FUCKIN GETTING IT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. But like Peppy. Dude. Its Wednesday. Your kid has school in the morning and you two are watching Shrek movies and eating terrible pizza til fuckin 1am I don’t care if youre both queer youre both equally irresponsible I hate y’all

Suki: I feel like Suki never really officially came out when she was younger. Back when she was a teen, she acted more as an “Aggressively supportive ally” who got real excited over positive LGBTQ news on the TV and frequently brought up gay rights at the dinner table. Her parents are a pair of really quiet, really sweet librarians. They’ve never had a bad word to say about Suki’s blatant bi behaviour and were just chill in general. She never felt she needed to spell it out to them unless she ever were to bring home a girlfriend. Plus she wasnt entirely sure if they were familiar with bisexuality and her dad’s kinda half deaf so explaining it might take a while. TECHNICALLY she’s still not out to them in A Little Change. Like she hasn’t been dating Chenille that long but yeah, she does plan on telling them in the coming weeks. I can assure you they’ll be cool with it and she knows they will. (Sidenote: She has 2 brothers and a sister who she told casually years ago.)

Smidge: Smidge’s parents caught on pretty early that their kid might be trans. Like they were fairly young parents who had some trans friends so this wasn’t all that unfamiliar to them. They noticed as far back as Smidge’s preschool years and while they reasoned that it COULD just be a phase or whatever, they’d be prepared for whatever gender their kid turned out as. Meanwhile Smidge, who was having none of this beating around the bush shit, wasted no time in telling them that she wanted to be referred to as a “She” from now on. Tbh I think out of everyone, Smidge’s coming out was the most natural. It happened when she was real little so it didn’t take all that long for them to adjust to. She never did come out as ace. Like she probs will someday over a nice family dinner. But for now, she’s good.

Chenille: Now, I’m not gonna say the twins’ parents are homophobic. Well, maybe some internalized stuff they gotta work on. But they were very heteronormative in nature. Like they were definitely the type of parents who would call every boy their little girls played with “boyfriends.” They never meant any harm by it but it did irritate Chenille a lil bit. But yeah, they didn’t have any real beef with LGBTQ people, they were cool with all the Love Wins stuff but all of it just wasn’t relevant to their lives. It just never occurred to them that they’d have a gay kid y’know? They always thought queer folks were rarer then they really are. Well sURPRISE. Okay, they were pretty stunned once Chenille came out to them. But the knee jerk reaction to her confession is “We love you.” Like they’re surprised, they’re a little uneasy and it might take them some getting used to. But gotta assure the baby girl they love her. That’s important.

Guy Diamond: Listen to me. Mama Diamond is old. She’s tired. This goddamn country has aged her like you wouldn’t believe. She has seen the worst in people and so much of it has been because of prejudice. And while she MAY have had some issues with LGBTQ as a whole 20 years ago, those days are dead and gone, man. Because motherfucker, there is no way in hell she’s going to become like the people who treated her like shit when she first came here. HER SON IS GAY (”Bi, mom. Its bi.”) *HER SON IS BI AND HE IS A BEAUTIFUL, KIND AND TALENTED BOY WHOM SHE ADORES AND IF ANYONE HAS A PROBLEM WITH HIM YOU CAN MEET HER IN THE FUCKING PIT

Cooper: Honestly, I feel like when it comes to him, it was a casual chit chat over the dinner table. Coop’s mom and step-dad are just asking like “Sooo girlfriend?” And he just shakes his head and says he’s not interested in having one. So then Step-dad tentatively tries “Uhh….boyfriend?” Coop grins at that but shakes his head again. “Neither. Just don’t want that. Don’t think I ever do.” And that’s that. His parents nod along. Like they don’t really know about aromantic as a concept but hey, they aint gonna push the kid to date. Leave him be. They’re a chill as heck family.

Biggie: Was really close with his mom and came out to her like a year before his dad. Like out of everyone, Biggie was most definitely the one to cry while coming out. His mom cried too cuz fuck he needed to get that trait from somewhere. But yeah, it was a messy, mushy “i love you I love you I love you no matter what, you’ve grown up so much, I love you, I love you, thank you for telling me,” kind of coming out. Biggie and his mom are both emotional messes. His Dad was different. His dad just….didn’t know how to accept this development. It was kinda uncomfortable for him. I feel like it was at least….hmmmm 2 months. An awkward 2 months where Dad doesn’t know what to say to his kid so he barely says anything at all. It’s hard on Biggie, man. Fuck. But yeah, they do talk about it once Dad sorts his issues out and realizes he’s gonna lose his boy forever if he keeps this up. So he tells Biggie straight up that this is taking some time to get used to but he’s still his son and he still loves him a lot and he’s working on it.

[modeoheim]

and sparkling evermore

Strifesodos Week day 1 - Reading It’s still the 18th somewhere!  Cloud visits the library and explores poetry, one of his least favorite things, with his crush.  

The ShinRa library, tucked into a back corner of the 47th floor of the iconic Midgar Tower, was pretty nice.

Cloud hadn’t thought that too many military folks read a lot of books—perhaps that was presumptuous of him.  Heavily muscled, frightening military personnel didn’t really mesh with the image in his head of a bookworm (a nerd, like you were in Nibelheim if you read books for fun).  But to his surprise, he found both infantrypeople and SOLDIERs with books in their hands all the time.

 After all, missions could be long and tiring. There weren’t always stations to recharge your PHS or tablets.  Life in ShinRa Tower, despite what the bigwigs at the top said, could be tough and… boring at times, even.

 So perhaps some people read for the same reasons Cloud did—life at ShinRa was kinda crappy, actually, and books offered a nice escape during his personal time.  

The library wasn’t massive but there were lots of shelves in the space they did have that were packed with books, and even a couple tables and chairs.  Cloud liked it there… but honestly, he’d like it a lot more if Genesis Rhapsodos wasn’t always hanging around.  

He was there right now, in fact.

 Sometimes, when you got a crush on someone, it was like your whole body got itchy and flushed and irritated whenever they were close—that sort of thing happened to Cloud whenever Genesis was around.  His seventh grade teacher back home in Nibelheim was an incredibly pretty woman (especially by Nibelheim standards); whenever Cloud had gone to her math class he’d felt a prickling on his neck and his hands would become clammy.  Whenever she was behind him his senses would go on high alert and he’d become convinced she was staring at his back.  She never was; she didn’t give two shits about Cloud Strife. No one did.  

 It was like he couldn’t not be hyper-aware of Genesis’ presence.  It made reading and relaxing, which is what he came to the library to do in the first place, really, really hard.

 Today Genesis sat in a chair in the corner, strategically placed so that his back was to nothing but shelves and so (Cloud suspected) everyone could see him.  He even read theatrically, with one leg crossed over the other and his elbow on the armrest of the plush chair, his head cocked just so, temple resting against his knuckles propping his head up.  The other held his book open on his lap, occasionally turning a page, occasionally tapping a beat against the other armrest, occasionally resting on the hilt of his rapier, leaning against his seat.

 Cloud’s ears burned already.  No matter where he sat, unless it was on the floor hidden behind one of the stacks (he’d probably get in trouble from the librarian, an infantrywoman who cleaned her gun on the counter in between checking out titles), Genesis would be able to see him.  And really, Genesis had no reason to even acknowledge Cloud.  They’d met once or twice, yeah, in passing, through Cloud’s best friend Zack.  They were small Acts in the amazing life Genesis surely led, though.

 Cloud, hiding somewhere in the mystery section and peeking through gaps in the shelves, could see that two SOLDIERs were having a whispered conversation at the table along the wall over two military manuals.  At least half of the library was all warfare stuff, or mako-powered energy stuff.  The rest, though, was all pleasure reading, like any normal library out there in the world.

 There was a children’s section too, because a lot of ShinRa’s military personnel had children and spouses who came to visit or even occasionally lived in their dorms or apartment units with them, if they had a high enough rank.  

 And that was Cloud’s problem; Genesis Rhapsodos had plopped himself in the chair right in the middle of the children’s section, probably because it was the least used part of the library.  Cloud’s destination was the middle-grade chapter books directly to Genesis’ right.

 “Finding everything alright, Strife?” came a voice to Cloud’s left—his shoulders went rigid and he found himself saluting automatically, whirling on his heel to face one of his drill instructors.  Right—he’d forgotten that he volunteered here sometimes.  

 “Yessir,” Cloud said. “Just kinda browsing.”  

 “Okay.” Lieutenant Ketzer nodded, a dark-haired scruffy man.  “Relax; we’re both off-duty.”

 Cloud offered a hesitant smile.  “Sorry.”  All of his infantry buddies did the same thing—seeing their instructors who put them through hell outside of drills made them all trip over themselves.  

 Ketzer went back to his cart of books to reshelve the next aisle down, and Cloud steeled himself. Super casually walk over to Genesis—no, not over to Genesis, over to the youth chapter books near Genesis—grab a title that looked good, anything with magic schools or giant labyrinths or self-discovery themes, and retreat back to the second long table in the place, the one as far away from Genesis as he could get.  No, he’d do one better, and immediately check out his book and find a quiet corner of the Tower somewhere to read it.

 He moved.  Cloud tucked his hands in his pockets and slouched his spine a bit, fixing a bored expression onto his face.  He didn’t have his green scarf with him to hide most of his face but whatever—Cloud Strife could get by just fine without it.

 He glanced over at the SOLDIERs.  Still whispering.  Glanced over at Genesis.  He locked gazes with the man, just for a brief moment, blue eyes meeting blue eyes peeking curiously over the top of his book.  

 Cloud stopped, turned, reached out an arm, and grabbed the first book off the nearest shelf. Then he sat in the closest seat, just four down from the SOLDIERs, scooted the rickety wooden thing in with a horrifyingly loud creak, and flipped open to the first page.  

 While his flustered brain took a few moments to catch up, his eyes moved uncomprehendingly over the title of the book and then the first few pages.

 Ah. He’d been by the 811s in the nonfiction section and thus chosen poetry.  

 Cloud could have died. Well, okay, that was dramatic—but honestly, being forced to read poetry was almost worse than having to get close to Genesis Rhapsodos, who could kill him instantly with either his rapier or a well-placed wink or a hand on his thigh, and wow, that was a thought.  

 His skin prickled, feeling too tight for his body.  Cloud bent over the book, frowning, trying to look like he was focusing intensely on it. It felt like Genesis was watching him, but he wasn’t about to turn around to check.  Unlikely.  He could picture Genesis getting up and coming closer, and his shoulders tightened a bit more.

 Cloud rubbed his thumb over the edge of the page.  It was yellowed around the outside, but not as badly as some other books he’d found. His last book, about a girl who wrote stories into a notebook to manage her anxiety and increasingly got the real world and her made-up world conflated, was obviously well-loved; it had small tears and folded corners.  Someone must have been fond of this one too, judging by the wear of the book.

 Cloud turned the page, eyeing the shape of the poem (this one was all over the place—Gaia, poetry was a headache).  He felt sweat drip down his hairline, still embarrassed about the Genesis thing.  It still felt like the guy was staring at him.  

 A finger, covered in red leather, tapped the edge of the book.  Cloud’s eyes snapped up.  Genesis was crouched over him, standing behind his stiff wooden chair.   He was tall, and with Cloud sitting he didn’t even touch Cloud’s hair as he reached over to touch the book.  

 He sounded…excited. “You’re reading Poe’s works? What do you think?”

 Cloud looked down at his book, a bit startled.  He turned back to the cover and read the title: The Complete Poetry of Edgar Allen Poe. He went to a random page.  “It’s, um,” Cloud said, because the silence couldn’t stretch on for too long, “It’s nice.”

 Genesis shifted a bit, stepping to his side, a little closer now.  He was so big—Genesis had a hell of a presence to him.  His being clad in mostly red and smelling really good did not help.  Because Cloud was in the middle of a poem, Genesis turned the page backwards one and tapped the title.  “He’s more known for his short stories, obviously, but I found his attempts at poetry more interesting, personally. I’m biased.”  Genesis shrugged, and Cloud was struck by how casual the guy was, talking about something that it was obvious, even after two sentences, that he loved.

 Cloud knew Genesis liked poetry—Zack said that he was always reading this book that was like, an epic poem or whatever, called LOVELESS, didn’t he?—but holy shit, this guy really liked poetry.

 “You’re Zack’s friend, aren’t you?” Genesis tapped tapped tapped his chin, his soft lips pursing a bit as he eyed Cloud.  “I can’t believe he didn’t tell me that he’s friends with a poetry connoisseur.”

 It was probably because Cloud thought Genesis was so ridiculously fuckin’ cute that he found himself blurting out the truth.  The man was far too beautiful to be deceived; although Cloud didn’t know him, he had too much respect for Genesis to lie to him.

 “I’m sorry,” Cloud said, “I actually really hate poetry.  It never makes any sense to me, and I don’t know why I’m reading this.”  

 The nearby whispered conversation faltered a bit; Genesis shifted on his feet, his metal pauldrons clinking together softly.  He tilted his head, and Cloud did his old thing that he’d always done when he got embarrassed that cost him so many friends back home—he got angry and defensive. “Look,” he grunted, “It’s just not my thing, okay?  It’s fine that—”

 To his surprise Genesis sat in the chair next to him, his leg folded over the other, and interrupted him. “You hate poetry?  Bullshit.” He held up a gloved hand, and the other pressed over his heart like it was failing him. “I refuse to believe it.”

 Cloud trailed off awkwardly, gripping his pants tightly under the table with sweaty fists.  He didn’t say anything.

 Genesis pulled the book a bit closer so it sat between them.  “What about it don’t you like?”

 “Um.  I just prefer…stories, I guess.  It’s hard to follow what they’re talking about in a poem, especially if the words are all over the place.”

 It was an inelegant explanation, but Genesis seemed to understand.  He flipped through a couple pages, bypassing a poem that didn’t seem to follow any rhyme or reason (“free verse,” Genesis said) and stopped on one that seemed more structured.  “The Haunted Palace,” Genesis said, angling the book towards him.  “Is something like this a bit better for you?”

 Cloud peered at it. It was five paragraphs (were they called paragraphs in poetry? He forgot) and he read the first one.  His eyes slipped and slid over the text, sometimes landing back at the beginning of the line he had just finished.  He was a slow reader, too… and it made him nervous, with Genesis Rhapsodos politely waiting for him to be done, sitting two fucking feet away.  

 He finished the first paragraph and glanced up at Genesis, who watched him quietly.  “It’s uh, spooky?”  He hadn’t meant for it to come out like a question.  In fact, Cloud had only the vaguest idea of what Poe was talking about.  

 The side of Genesis’ mouth turned up.  “Have you tried reading poetry out loud?”

 “No.  Does it help?”

 “It helps some people. Try the second stanza.”

 In school, before Cloud had dropped out at age fourteen to help his mom afford to keep them alive, they’d sometimes do ‘popcorn’ reading where everybody had to take turns reading aloud.  No one read well in Nibelheim—their school system was shit.  No one had money for books.  It always made Cloud anxious.  He awkwardly swallowed and read, starting at the second para—er, stanza, “Wanderers in that happy valley through two luminous windows saw spirits moving musically to a lute's well-tuned law, round about a throne where sitting… por… porfyo… porphyr…o...?”  He stopped, flushing, stuck on a word he had never seen before in his life.  

 Genesis bent to look at the perplexing word, and Cloud caught a whiff of his shampoo. Nice.  “Porphyrogene,” he said, and then, “That’s not a word you see every day.”

 “Oh,” Cloud said, still feeling embarrassed.  He felt more anger roiling in his belly, about to burst out of him, about to attack his crush all because of something as silly as pride.

 “Poetry,” Genesis said, looking at Cloud kindly, “has a rhythm to it.  Motion.  Almost always.  So does prose in a novel, but poetry especially lends itself well to being read aloud.  If you read it all in one breath without considering the author’s intentional use of line breaks, syllables, or meter, you’ll miss out on a lot.  It might be why you struggle with it.”

 Cloud slunk a bit lower in his seat.  “Here,” Genesis said, and read aloud in a smooth voice that curled around Cloud:

 “Wanderers in that happy valley,   Through two luminous windows, saw Spirits moving musically,   To a lute's well-tuned law, Round about a throne where, sitting   (Porphyrogene!) In state his glory well-befitting,   The ruler of the realm was seen.”

 Genesis smirked at him. “What’s happening?”

 “Um, a castle,” Cloud said, remembering at least that much from the first stanza.  “I guess there’s some sort of ball, or a dance, and uh, spirits are dancing around.  There’s some sort of…king on a throne, I guess?”

 “Porphyrogenite refers to a son born after his father has ascended to King or ruler of an area.”

 “A prince,” Cloud amended.  “He’s really fancy.”

 It was easy to picture a man like Genesis on a throne, decked out in royal colors, a glittering crown, and splendid fabrics.  A bright, patterned vest with a cravat and a broach, something blue to match his eyes. Maybe boots with a large, imposing heel.

 “But evil things, in robes of sorrow,   Assailed the monarch's high estate. (Ah, let us mourn!- for never morrow   Shall dawn upon him desolate!) And round about his home the glory   That blushed and bloomed, Is but a dim-remembered story   Of the old time entombed.”

 Prince Genesis fought valiantly against the hooded things, dripping black ooze and stinking to hell and back.  His rapier glinted and fire burst from his hand, making the whole palace ballroom glow… but then the flickering flames illuminated dirty, dusty corners filled with shattered glass bits of a once-grand chandelier.  The throne was on its side, the legs busted, the fancy engravings lost under layers of muck and dust.  

 “And travellers, now, within that valley,   Through the red-litten windows see Vast forms, that move fantastically   To a discordant melody, While, like a ghastly rapid river,   Through the pale door A hideous throng rush out forever   And laugh- but smile no more.”

 Cloud was on the outside, peering in through a window, a small circle of ancient crud rubbed clean with the end of his sleeve.  The stone of the castle was cool on his fingers.  Prince Genesis was lonely in there, dancing, his splendorous outfit pale and ghostly-white.  He ached to join, but when he opened the door, running in, to join Genesis, the Prince and all of the ballgoers burst out, dissipating into the sunlight as soon as they hit it.

 “Oh wow,” Cloud said. “It’s so different when you read it.” Genesis looked…smug, and pleased. “Would you like to try?” He turned the page.  

 Cloud studied the next poem.  “If it’s okay, Sir… I’d rather not.”  Genesis looked a bit disappointed, but he nodded curtly.  Cloud then felt the need to explain—  “Reading is hard for me.  I didn’t finish eighth grade, and I wasn’t very good while I was in school, and…” He shrugged, his shoulders tight, putting up the old shields. He gestured at the middle-grade books near where Genesis was sitting before. “I read what I like and what’s not so much work it’s not fun anymore and if someone doesn’t like that I don’t care.  I don’t want to read poetry, alright?”

 “Oh—I apologize,” Genesis murmured after a pause, making Cloud’s eyes widen.  He briefly touched the back of Cloud’s hand, clenched into a fist again on his thigh.  It scalded Cloud’s skin, even through the red gloves.  He… really looked sorry. “I didn’t mean to—ugh, Angeal tells me I’m pretentious and normally that doesn’t cause problems.  Hm.  That was insensitive of me to assume someone’s level of literacy.”  He seemed to be mostly talking to himself.  

 “How about this,” Genesis said, meeting Cloud’s gaze, his mako-bright eyes hard to look away from. “I’ll read to you again sometime.”

 Cloud swallowed. Genesis tilted his head, a little coy—and then there it fucking was, a wink.  Cloud did not die from it like he’d always thought he would be; in fact, he wasn’t even wounded.  It gave him strength.  

 “…I’d be okay with it if you tried to get me into poetry, I guess.”

 “Mm.  I can’t have an infantryman who ‘hates poetry’ walking around.”

 “Definitely not.”

 Cloud walked on unsteady legs to the right bookshelf.  He and Genesis Rhapsodos were flirting.  This time he knew Genesis was watching him, walking closely behind.  He looked around until he found a book that interested him, a thicker book than usual, something with ghosts.  He was feeling a bit inspired after that poem.

 Genesis read the back flap.  “It looks good,” he said, handing it back.  “I hope you enjoy it, Zack’s friend.”

 “Oh.  It’s Cloud.”

 Genesis briefly ran his hand down Cloud’s back, lingering for the briefest of moments on his waist. “Please.  I know that, Cloud Strife.”  He winked again, making Cloud’s whole body buzz, and then he was gone, walking back to gather Cloud’s poetry book and reshelve it in the proper place.

 Cloud checked out, thanking the librarian softly, and went back to his bunk, his new book clutched in his sweaty hand.  He realized he and Genesis hadn’t set up anything as to when Genesis would read more poetry to him in that honey-sweet voice… but he had a feeling he’d find out sooner or later—perhaps when he went back to the library to return his book, and to get a new one, and Genesis would be sitting there with his legs crossed and his eyes lazily reading the text of a book, waiting for Cloud Strife, waiting for him.

[megsblackfirewrites]

An Alpha Omega: Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Vanessa stepped into Organic Chemistry and immediately beelined for the Omega shaking in the front row. Their heat scent wasn’t too powerful, but it was still strong enough for Vanessa to know it was there. She sat down beside the smaller woman and smiled reassuringly at her as she did her best to block the view of the leering Alphas from the other Omega.

“Hey,” she greeted. “You live on my floor, don’t you?”

“I think so?” the woman swallowed. “You’re roommates with the golden haired boy?”

The woman’s accent was thick, but still easy enough to understand. She liked it and found it amusing that Jack was best known for his hair. She needed to convince him to dye it blue or something, just to fuck with everyone. It would be hilarious; he had the hair for wild colours anyways. It didn’t get better than blond.

“Vanessa McCree,” she said as she offered her hand.

“Mei-ling Zhou,” the woman smiled. “Thank you for breaking their line of sight.”

“Figured you needed a hand,” Vanessa chuckled as they shook hands. “Like a bunch-a vultures this lot is.”

“Are all Americans this aggressive?” Mei asked.

“They ain’t like that in...uh, yer Chinese, eh?” Vanessa cocked an eyebrow.

“Yes,” Mei smiled. “And they are assertive but not...like this.”

“It is overkill,” Vanessa agreed as she leaned back in her chair and lounged. She would have kicked her boots up onto the desk if she had no manners. Alas, she did, so her boots stayed on the ground. “Must be nice to be able to walk around and not get sized up like a rack-a ribs.”

“A what?” Mei blinked.

“Uh, piece of meat,” Vanessa tried instead.

“Oh, yes, it is nice,” Mei smiled. “Sorry, I’m not good with my English phrases yet.”

“Honey, you can get as good as they get with phrases and us Southerners will still leave you wonderin’ what the fuck we’re talkin’ about,” Vanessa laughed. “We got a dialect all our own.”

“I can tell,” Mei giggled. “I apologize if I ask you to repeat something. Your accent is strange to me.”

“No worries,” Vanessa shrugged. “You just worry about takin’ notes. I’ll keep the hounds off ya.”

Mei smiled at her before she set her books out straight on her desk. Vanessa leaned back in her seat and snorted softly. At least Mei’s heat scent wasn’t overpowering. It was noticeable, sure, but it didn’t dig at the brain demanding attention. She wished hers was like that; everyone knew when she was in heat and they always drooled like dogs when she walked into a room. It was annoying and uncomfortable and really, she blamed her father for this.

“Hey,” a girl leaned forward towards Mei. “Name’s….”

“Piss off,” Vanessa growled as she leaned over. “We ain’t here fer you to flirt. We’re here to learn. So sit down and leave my girl alone.”

“Your...you’re mates?” the woman stared at her like she had three heads.

What? Where the hell did she get that idea? Nothing Vanessa had just said would have implied that. She was clearly just friends with Mei. She would have rolled with it no problem, though, if Mei wasn’t staring at her in terror.

“I didn’t say that,” Vanessa rolled her eyes. “We’re friends. You never call yer friends ‘yer boy’ or ‘yer girl’?”

“No; that’s weird,” the woman frowned.

“Different strokes fer different folks; now leave us alone,” Vanessa said as she turned to face the whiteboard as the professor got her slide show set up.

The Alpha sat back down without a word and the professor started gushing about the wonders of organic chemistry. Vanessa settled in her seat, listening to the professor talk and taking quick notes about important dates in the year. If all of her lectures were going to be like this, Vanessa was looking forward to them.

The woman was just full of energy. Her eyes were sparkling and she seemed to be vibrating across the floor. It was adorable and intriguing to watch. She must have had some powerful scent blockers on too because Vanessa couldn’t catch much of anything coming from the woman. It was a nice change to the overpowering stench that filled the room.

“I know that you’ll all do...is there a problem, sir?” the professor suddenly glared up at the stands.

“Sorry,” someone called. “That Omega’s scent is distracting.”

“You can barely smell it, asshole,” Vanessa shouted. “Yer just lookin’ fer an excuse to blame the Omega. As per usual, you fuckin’ slacker.”

“I can leave,” Mei whispered as she started reaching for her stuff.

“No, it’s fine, Mei-ling,” Vanessa soothed as she rested a hand on her shoulder. “You have every right to be here. His problems are his own. Just ignore him.”

“She’s quite right,” the professor snorted as she set her hands on her hips. “Anyone else having a problem with the scent of an Omega going through heat can leave the premises. They aren’t doing anything to disrupt you other than existing and that’s no reason to bar them from learning.” She shrugged a shoulder. “Besides, I’m in rut and you don’t see me slobbering all over the poor dear. Hell, I’ve had the misfortune of accidentally sending my entire third year organic chemistry class into early heats and we still carried on our lecture with only one person accidentally getting a stiffy. So don’t sit there and tell me one little Omega sitting five rows ahead of you is distracting you when I can barely smell anything.”

“You go girl!” Vanessa crowed.

The professor gave a quick bow before straightening up. “So, if we’re done being extra, let’s get into the lesson. The definition of organic chemistry is….”

“Same spot, huh?”

“Yah,” Jack smiled up at the Alpha as they took a seat beside him. “Creature of habit.”

“Nothing wrong with that,” the Alpha smiled at him.

Dear God, he hoped he could get the Alpha to keep smiling. It was the most beautiful smile he’d ever seen in his life. He didn’t want to see anything other than a smile on the man’s face for as long as he lived.

“I’m Jack, by the way,” Jack said. “Jack Morrison. I didn’t get to introduce myself the other day.”

“Gabriel Reyes,” the Alpha smiled and offered his hand.

Now that was a beautiful name made all the better by the beautiful shift into another language. Jack wanted to melt on the spot. Please, keep speaking that beautiful language, good sir.

“Spanish, right?” he asked.

“Sí,” Gabriel chuckled. “Nice ear.”

Jack smiled, fighting back the blush he felt sweeping over his face. Now was not the time to be embarrassed, body! You had to be smooth and suave to appear as more than a belly-exposing Omega! Quick, ask him what he’s taking! That’ll be thought provoking.

“So, you’re taking Agricultural Sciences?” he asked.

“No,” Gabriel tipped his head to the side. “General sciences.”

“Oh, cool,” Jack laughed. “Keeps the employment opportunities open.”

“It does,” Gabriel agreed. “You want to be a farmer or something?”

“Sort of,” Jack shrugged. “I think having a scientific background and understanding what chemicals can harm or benefit crops is incredibly useful in the field.”

“You couldn’t take something at a community college for that?” Gabriel asked.

Jack let out a fake gasp and pressed a hand against his chest. “Rude!”

“You know what I meant,” Gabriel laughed.

Jack grinned and shrugged. “Just making sure,” he laughed. “You enjoy chemistry?”

“I’m terrible at it, actually,” Gabriel admitted. “I can get by but that’s really not a good thing.”

“I can help tutor you,” Jack offered. “Chemistry’s one of my best subjects.”

“That would be fantastic,” Gabriel grinned. “Here, I’ll put your number into my phone for when I’m doing homework and need some help.”

“Sure that’ll,” he started to say before he froze.

Wait a minute. That was way too easy. He narrowed his eyes and Gabriel blinked at him. Was this a plow, good sir? He will not stand for this!

“Are you really bad at chem or you just saying that to get my number?” he growled.

Gabriel blinked before his eyes widened. “Holy shit, that would have been ingenious,” he whispered.

Jack let out a bark of laughter before he scribbled his number down on the corner of his notebook and pushed it towards Gabriel. Gabriel wrote his number underneath, carefully forming each digit so that it was easy to read.

“My fours and nines tend to look alike,” Gabriel admitted as he typed in Jack’s name and number. “There. All stored away for when I’m looking at my notes wondering what the fuck I wrote.”

Jack laughed as he slipped his phone into his backpack and waited for the professor to start talking at the front of the room. He had Gabriel’s number. He had Gabriel’s number sitting in his phone just waiting to be called or texted. He should not have been this excited over something like this.

“So a trans molecule is changing form?”

“No,” Jack said. “The carbon atom we’re using to name the molecule has changed direction.”

“Oh,” Gabriel frowned. He shifted his phone to his other ear and scribbled on his notes. “You know, this would be easier if you were here with me.”

“Yah, ‘cept I’d be dead as soon as I got within a foot of your dorm building,” Jack said.

Gabriel could almost hear the grimace in his voice. Jack wouldn’t be dead, but he might wish he was with the way the other Alphas swarmed. They even did that to the claimed Omegas and they were there visiting their mates and had every right to be there. It was a really big slap to the face for everything he’d been taught.

How could these people stand to be around themselves when they were so fucking disrespectful?

“Well, we could meet up at the library,” Gabriel offered. “Hear the second floor by the far shelves is quiet this time of day.”

“Library?” Jack asked. “Yah, I can meet you there. Just let me tell my roommate what’s up. You know; in case I get jumped.”

“No problem,” Gabriel smiled. “I’ll meet you there.”

They hung up and Gabriel put his book and notes in his backpack. It was only the second week of classes and already he was lost in chemistry. It wasn’t even that complicated, he knew that, but he’d look at what he’d written after class and it was like there was a swarm of question marks bouncing on his head.

Thank Chris he had Jack there to help him. The man had a gift for chemistry. Even when the rest of the class was staring at the teacher like he had three heads, Jack understood it all. It was nice to know that at least someone understood what the fuck was going on.

“Where you off to?” Gregory asked as he tipped a pop can towards his lips.

“Library,” Gabriel replied. “Getting a classmate to help me with something.”

“Ooh, that pretty Omega you have the hots for?” Gregory grinned. “Can I come with?”

“No,” Gabriel glared at him. “Don’t you have your own stuff to study?”

“Come on; I want to meet your future doll,” Gregory laughed.

“No,” Gabriel repeated. “I’m not having you creep him out. You’re way too...forward for someone like him.”

“What, you don’t want me flirting with him for you?” Gregory laughed. “Come on, bro!”

“Go study somewhere else,” Gabriel rolled his eyes before he headed for the stairs.

Like he wanted someone like Gregory around Jack. Gregory would probably scare him off with the way he talked. Or, worse, Jack might try to kill the other Alpha. He did not want to break up a fight between a startled Alpha and a murderous Omega.

He headed across campus towards the library, trying to keep the spring out of his step. He hadn’t had a chance to have time alone with Jack and he was looking forward to this. He’d wanted to ask Jack on a proper date, but he didn’t have the guts to. Something about Jack just screamed ‘I’m way too good for you, but it’s cute that you think you can talk to me’. Not that he was arrogant; he was just that amazing and Gabriel did not know how to handle that.

He was used to Omegas throwing themselves at him, whether playfully or seriously. He secretly loved it; he spent so many years worrying that he wasn’t going to be anywhere near as amazing as his sisters, only to hit high school and be considered the most eligible bachelor on campus. It was a nice feeling to have, knowing that he hit so many ‘potential mate’ checkboxes for so many different Omegas. Jack, however, was different.

He could tell Jack liked him, but he was keeping himself schooled. It wasn’t a state he was used to seeing in Omegas. They were almost always keeping their heads low, smiling nervously even when he made it clear he wasn’t a threat. Not Jack. Jack’s smiles were confident, his head was high, and the nervousness came from the same place that Gabriel’s did. It was a little disorienting, but Gabriel loved it.

He headed up to the second floor of the library and got an empty table far from the other students. Jack showed up a few minutes later, smiling as he sat down. He looked amazing and he smelt even better. Gabriel wanted nothing more than to ruffle Jack’s golden hair until he got the other man to moan happily at the release of endorphins.

“Hey,” he greeted. “So, about those trans molecules.”

Jack smiled as he opened his own notes and started explaining everything to him. Gabriel leaned in close to look at the diagrams and got a full whiff of Jack’s scent. Peppermint and winter-fresh danced across his brain and he lost his train of thought. He wanted to bury his nose in Jack’s neck and scent him, chasing that beautiful smell as far as it could go. He shook his head slowly before he pulled away.

“Problem?” Jack asked.

“I...okay, this is going to sound bad, but can I scent you?” he asked.

Jack’s eyes widened and a wonderful blush spread across his farmboy freckles. He wanted to cover each one in kisses, nuzzling that beautiful pale flesh until Jack begged for mercy. He was adorable and he needed to know that.

“Um, why?” Jack asked.

“Your scent’s making my brain go crazy,” Gabriel chuckled. “It can’t figure out which is your scent and which is your cologne. It’s driving me up a wall.”

Jack shook his head before he narrowed his eyes playfully. At least, Gabriel hoped that was a playful glare. If it wasn’t, he was going to be in for some deep shit.

“Okay,” he said. “On the condition that I can scent you too.”

Gabriel almost tap-danced in delight. Jack wanted to scent him too! That was the best news he’d ever heard!

“Sure thing,” Gabriel smirked.

He leaned in close and buried his nose in the hair just behind Jack’s ear. He inhaled slowly, drawing the sharp scent of peppermint and winter-fresh into his nose. He opened his mouth a little, letting the scent drag over his hard palate. He brushed his nose back from Jack’s ear, letting the golden strands tickle his nose. They were so soft and smelt faintly of clean soap shampoo.

“Mmm,” he purred as he continued breathing. “So the peppermint is you.”

“What else do you smell?” Jack asked as his own nose brushed over Gabriel’s neck, scenting slowly.

“Winter-fresh, bit of soap,” Gabriel murmured. “Touch of strawberry. It’s nice. You?”

“Cinnamon,” Jack murmured. “Bit of ginger, chocolate. Um, a type of Old Spice I’m not familiar with.”

“Swagger Red,” Gabriel chuckled as he slowly pulled away. “It’s my favourite.”

“I like it,” Jack said as he pulled away. “Your brain working again, Gabriel?”

“For now,” Gabriel smirked. “Might need to scent you again.”

“Next one will cost you,” Jack warned. “Now, as I was saying.”

Gabriel did his best to focus on the lesson, but he kept wanting to drag his nose against Jack’s cheek. He smelt so good; how had he not buried his face in that beautiful hair already? He sat beside him in class and he spent the entire time smelling peppermint and winter-fresh; how had he not just thrown all civility to the wind and buried his face in that soft golden hair? He had better control than he thought. His Momma would be so proud.

[mymusicalitylove]

thank u, next!

I have felt this entry brewing, but haven’t found the complete motivation (or let’s be honest, the time to dedicate) to get my ass on the laptop to let it surge from me, as I’ve felt it swirling in my brain the last couple weeks. 

I think I am at a good place in my life; these are my last few days prior to turning 33, and I truly feel a positive energy about what this year will bring me. I have already started, and will continue with my travel adventures... 

This past weekend’s 2019 debut adventure in SLO/Morro Bay: to explore Hearst Castle and all the overly fancy things it has for you to feast your eyes on. A coworker of mine and I joke that I am Belle from Beauty in the Beast, and I found myself completely infatuated with the grand library, just like Belle was in the Beast’s enchanted castle. I mean seriously, how intricate all the details of every wall/ceiling/piece of furniture of this castle were. Personally, I could not imagine having that much extravagance as my “vacation home” because I am a plain Jane, but to think of how much money is on that property.. dayum! I would really only want the library, because it was gorgeous. Okay, and maybe some of the gardens, too. And SLO, I fell in love with. Such a cute downtown area and all the little shops! I definitely shopped my little heart out on cute ass shit I don’t need, but loved and had to have. 

Next week’s adventure: to meet my dearest little sheronalet in North Carolina, and to fit in as many newborn snuggles into one week as I can! He has already stolen my heart just from pictures, and auntie Bo0 cannot wait to squeeze him and cover him in besos. Also looking forward to some serious Sherona bonding time with my NC folk. 

March’s adventure: to spend more time with my bestie and my growing peanut in Washington, and explore the tiny little town they now call home. I really am blessed to have so many littles all over the country for me to love on whenever I want. #professionalauntieairlines

April’s adventure: Italia. I have secured a partner-in-crime now, so it won’t be a solo journey like planned, but I am excited to start planning our excursions and see what troubles we can get into!

Further 2019 adventures still TBD.. but not a bad start to the first quarter, right?!

Now, let’s get to what my brain has needed to unload.. 

After the heartbreak of my life about three years ago, I ended up a shell of my former self, and resulted with a fucked up and jaded point of view towards relationships. I went through the grief, the loss of myself, the fatality of a dream that was never given the opportunity to shine, the realization that even though I was sure he was “the one”.. he wasn’t, or it would have been, and the lengthy, debilitating and then liberating process of getting back to becoming myself again. I fell in love with him, and I fell hard. Harder than I ever had before. And getting back up from it was truthfully one of the darkest times in my life. And I feel I did most of the damage to myself. My expectations. My fantasized dreamland. The pure abandon and openness of my heart to give to someone who I thought would help me grasp everything I always wanted. To someone who no matter how hard I tried, could not let me in; even though in his defense, I honestly think he tried to the best of his ability at the time. He had his own demons to face, and it was just not meant to be. The purpose of him in my life at the time didn’t hit me until a lot later, but I selfishly maintained hope (for way too long) that if we faced our own demons separately, we would eventually end up back together. He was everything I had not had before and desperately wanted, but that hope has become less than a distant memory, and more like a torturous joke I played on myself. Although I’d like to think I am completely over that situation, I still think he will forever hold a small piece of my heart until the day I die. And that’s okay. I am at peace with that.

Enter Ariana Grande: her words resonated with me from the first time I heard them in this song, and fell in line because my three major relationships have each taught me something different.   

One taught me love

One taught me patience

And one taught me pain

Now, I'm so amazing

I've loved and I've lost

But that's not what I see

So, look what I got

Look what you taught me

And for that, I say

Thank you, next

I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex

After healing from the one who ‘taught me pain’ I put myself back together in a slightly different way. Closed off, numb, guarded, and walls for days. I casually dated for about a year, wanting nothing from anyone but the ability to say that this serial monogamist had “played the field”. Guess what? I had my fun and it served its purpose, but I am still a serial monogamist at heart, and I always knew that deep down. The layers and layers of protection needed to come down some time, and I feel that they finally came down this past May. 

Enter unexpected, wonderful series of interactions with a handsome and appealing man who I will likely never see again. I feel that since meeting that patient’s son, I restarted a search for “my person” because those arbitrary interactions actually made me want to feel again, and reignited my desire to want to open up to someone and be vulnerable again.

I’ve had a lot of internal monologue about what I want (and don’t want) in a relationship, and just wants in my life in general. I’ve recently lost a significant friendship for reasons I feel could have been handled completely differently, but it is what it is. This unexpected loss caused me to reach a lot of realizations regarding all other relationships in my life. About continuing to invest in the ones that matter, and letting others go because they are no longer worth my precious time. I’ve also realized that I have often felt taken for granted. I don’t claim to be perfect; in fact, I know I’m far from it. But I do know that I am a rare breed, and I have grown into myself at a quicker pace than I feel most others my age have due to all the experiences under my belt. I continue to learn more and further love who I am every single day. There are also days where I can’t even stand myself, but even those are moments to learn from and take steps towards the ever-changing process of becoming the best version of myself. 

About 3 weeks ago I joined a dating site. Not one of those hook-up apps - an actual dating site that you pay for, with about 100 questions (probably 25 of which are actually unique, just repeated in several ways to make sure you’re consistent) asking about your personality/likes/dislikes. I was given the impression that this would be a different experience because this is a method where people actually want to meet someone serious and put their own hard earned money towards that goal.. let me tell you, not so different from the bullshit apps. Up until today, I did not have any meaningful connections with anyone and was thinking I got swindled out of my moneys for something I frankly had greater success with on one of the gratis hook-up apps! 

Shortly after opening this dating account, I watched a movie that was sort of mirroring my feelings of this whole “online dating world” in a comedic way. I truthfully do not thrive with this medium of meeting people; I’m old fashioned in wanting to meet people organically, and not because of some stylized way I am being viewed through filtered pictures and clever quips about who I am. Staying true to my “old soul” personality and realizing more often these days, I do not belong in this generation. But anyhow, this movie made me laugh so hard in many scenes because the female character resembled me, and the male character shared traits with different men in my life that I have been, or continue to be drawn to. There was one scene in the movie that unexpectedly made me tear up, and it was then and there that I realized how many times I have been taken for granted in my life. 

Enter movie scene: male and female character are sitting in bed after a meaningful and eye-opening couple of days, sharing a meal. They are discussing the woman’s previous relationship/broken engagement.

Male: “He’s so screwed.” (referring to her ex-fiance) 

Female: “What do you mean?”

Male: "You said that he met you in high school, right? So, he thinks that you are a ‘certain type of girl', and he thinks that he will meet that same type of girl later in his life, when he’s ready, but… when he’s ready, that girl’s not going to be there. He has no idea how rare you are."

Enter single insta-tear down my face. This spoke to me in so many ways because I feel that although I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, I am a pretty damn good woman who has a lot to offer to someone capable of appreciating my worth. I cannot tell you how many times I have been sought out after the fact, just because people realize what they had, now that they no longer have it. Boyfriends, guys I dated, friends, and it continues to be a common theme in my life. I try not to take someone for granted to that degree because I’d like to think that I am the type of person who gives people probably way too many chances. Conversely, when I am done, I am done and there’s no convincing me otherwise after that switch has been flicked. I know that I have taken people for granted in the past, but I think I have learned a lot from those experiences and try not to make those same mistakes. 

I am hopeful to see what the remainder of this three-month membership/sentence of this dating site has in store for me. At the very least, I went out of the online dating world with a bang (to my bank account)! And with that, I bid you adieu. My brain sure feels a lot lighter. #success

01/17/2019 - 2:27 AM

[imaginekpoptrash-blog]

God I feel old... ~ Admin Silver

This might be boring to y’all, but I’m feeling slightly sentimental so please bear with me. I realized something last night and Red semi-talked me into talking about it on here, despite the fact that I’m a few months early.

This summer will make ten whole years of me being a member of the Kpop community.

Ten. Years. Of my life.

I’m 23 years old–24 by the time my actual anniversary rolls around–so a decade is just short of half my life. I got into Kpop in the middle of summer 2007. I was going into my freshman year of high school the following fall, so Lord only knows how impressionable I was at that age. I was going through some things in my personal life during that time, and do you know what helped me through it? Kpop. Variety shows featuring my favorite celebrities. K-dramas. Looking at a lot of the things I do or think–mostly by way of fashion or music or even the way I look at cultures other than my own–I realize it all has been affected by the time I’ve spent in the Kpop community; especially considering how widespread the fandom is. Since I joined, I’ve made friends in various parts of the US, Canada, the Caribbean, all over Asia, Germany, the UK, I’ve even talked to folks from Australia and the Middle East!! I’ve met people from all kinds of walks of life. Simply because of a similar taste in music. It’s amazing how broad our fandom is, and seeing how much it’s widened since 2007 is kind of heartwarming for me. Hell, seeing how the fans have changed over the years is something fascinating for me to look on. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve talked to Red about that particular subject; and while it isn’t always positive, it’s certainly interesting. Even comparing how music and music videos from then and now thrills me to no end. I love talking about how both have evolved in ten years.

I’ve always ALWAYS been interested in other cultures (I can’t tell you how obsessed I was with Egyptian history in elementary school), and also foreign languages (I tried to teach myself Spanish and tried to teach myself how to read Egyptian hieroglyphs in elem). I was super interested in Japanese culture in junior high because of anime, and of course I was interested in England thanks to Harry Potter (I shit y’all not, I am the biggest damn nerd). But when I got into Kpop? All of my casual interests just kinda…went into overdrive. I wanted to know all I could about anywhere that wasn’t where I live. I wanted to travel, I wanted to learn every language I could, I wanted to read ALL THE HISTORY BOOKS!!! I’m still this way. Ten years later and my interests in the world, in people, in life, are still going strong. Stronger even. All thanks to the Kpop community. All thanks to the people I’ve met and the lessons I’ve learned while here. I’m not exaggerating when I say chances are I wouldn’t be me if I hadn’t gotten into this crazy shit. Hell, I don’t even know who I would be if I hadn’t found Kpop.

I know I’ve told the story a million times, but I want to talk about how I got into Kpop. I honestly don’t remember a lot of things from junior high for certain reasons, but this I do.

I used to read a lot of fanfiction, specifically anime fanfic, specifically Naruto fanfic. Other than fanfiction.net, there was this website called Quizilla (is it even around anymore??) and I had this one author on there that I ADORED. They were on hiatus, but I read and reread everything they had up. I was on the author’s uploads page one day and noticed there was a song embedded at the top. Being the curious loser I am, I clicked play. You know what it was? It was DBSK’s debut album title track Tri-Angle. I. Fell. In. Love. I was sooo into the mix of genres and how the song flowed from a classical piece into everything that the rest of the song was. I absolutely loved the song, and then when I found the music video to their second album title track Rising Sun embedded at the end of one of the author’s chapters, I just had to watch it. I loved what I was seeing, and needless to say I was impressed by U-Know Yunho & Xiah Junsu’s dancing and Max Changmin’s high notes. When the MV ended, the video shrunk and the scrollbar with various related videos popped up and I started scrolling. I remember watching music videos from Se7en, Rain, Lee Hyori, Super Junior, and so many other artists. You know how a snowball rolls down a hill and quickly grows larger and larger? That’s how my entrance into Kpop was.

I was a hardcore Cassiopeia from Day One. I still am. I cannot describe to y’all what I felt like when I went through DBSK’s split–though I’m sure many, if not all, of you know the feeling, yourselves, by now; and if you don’t, I pray that you never do. Anyway, I went from watching music videos to watching every damn subbed variety show that DBSK (and several of my aforementioned artists) was on that I could find. And back then it was a lot harder and took a lot longer to locate things than nowadays (so I want y’all to go to the subbing teams for y’all’s faves and say “thank you” dammit…stop harassing those beautiful hard workers about how long a project takes). I remember watching X-Man (my most fave), Heroine 6, Jihwaza, Love Letter, Family Outing, Star Golden Bell, We Got Married (back when it was actually good, man I miss those first few seasons), Idol Army…I’ll stop myself here before I get winded.

Remember when Se7en worked with Darkchild and released a song with Lil Kim? Remember when BoA worked with Sean Garrett to release a US album? Remember when everyone met on fan forums for their favorite bands instead of tumblr blogs and instagram accounts? Remember when JYJ appeared on Billboard, despite going through everything they went through with SM Entertainment, and released a song featuring Kanye West & worked with Darkchild for that album? Remember when 2PM debuted and the whole beast!idol thing really kicked off? Remember when U-Go-Girl was super popular and Taemin’s mushroom hair was the cutest thing ever? Remember the Chuseok dance specials where idol groups competed against each other? Remember when people were freaking out because Rain was going to be in Speed Racer? Remember when the WORLD joined in on the Nobody craze, making Wonder Girls the first Kpop artists to enter the Billboard Hot 100 chart, and then toured with the Jonas Brothers? Remember Daesung and Kim Jong Kook being the biggest brotp on Family Outing, and the Kim Jong Kook/Lee Hyori pairing nearly throwing out the Kim Jong Kook/Yoon Eun Hye pairing from X-man days? Remember when Wonder Girls had a movie on TeenNick????? Remember when Mirotic came out and everyone lost their shit when Micky Yoochun oh-so-subtly called out the broadcasting companies for literally censoring the line “I got you under my skin” during a fucking live performance in a huge year end show? Good times, good times.

Y’all don’t know how hard I’m trying not to cry right now, I’m feeling so damn sentimental. So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to share with y’all some of my most favorite music videos & live performances from my first few years of Kpop (below the cut), and if you guys are interested…come talk to me about this? Especially if you happen to be pretty new to the Kpop community! I love talking to new fans~

TVXQ - 2008 MKMF Performance (this was one of the last ot5 performances, and one of the best fucking performances in kpop history; also primo example why dong bang shin ki really are the rising gods of the east; not gonna lie, this one hurts me to watch sometimes)

Se7en - Crazy (there was a time when this was the only way i’d count to seven)

MBC Stars Dance Battle After School VS SNSD (fuckin bosses. the fuckin lot of ‘em)

Lee Hyori - U-G-Girl (i included my top boys, so i gotta include my top girl. can’t forget the queen, herself)

Baek Ji Young ft. Taecyeon (2PM) - My Ear’s Candy (good luck gettin this out ya head :D)

[mama-ghostie-61542]

A Thousand Lifetimes

Rated M++ For naughtiness.....And for language and themes.

If you recognize it--IT AIN'T MINE

Sorry for the OOC-ness

Chapter 5

'Are you still awake,' A voice asked.

I looked up to see I was entirely alone, with the alarm clock reading 02:04.

'Sorry, Mami,' I whispered.

I felt her breath on my cheek, 'You need to sleep, Haka. Late nights like this aren't good for you, my king.'

I chuckled, before answering, 'They aren't good for my queen either, but she does them.' I whispered and sent a caress to her. I could almost feel the gentle curve of her cheek in my hand. Could feel the pressure of her fingertips as she gripped my wrist.

'Not the point, my love. Bed. Now.'

I smiled softly as I snuggled into my blankets, 'Yes, Dear. As you command, My Darling.'

But, at the point where I expected her to softly whisper and fade back into the shadows like normal; I felt her curl up next to me, one long leg over my hip and her fingertips languidly caressing lazy circles on my back.

'Stop it or I won't get to sleep,' I said, plainly through whatever our connection was.

'Awww. Is someone feeling a little naughty before bed?'

'No,' I answered in the same teasing tone, 'Someone is always feeling a little naughty. It's why I take so many cold showers...But make no mistake, Woman. When I get my hands on you...' I growled as I sent her a deliciously dirty image that I had dreamed up.

That damned woman had the audacity to moan. Which went straight to my manly bits.

'Really,' she purred.

I reached down, adjusted my now raging erection, and pressed it into the mattress before responding, 'No, Dear. I would much rather have you here and pinned under me at the moment,' I growled as I felt her spirit shiver next to me.

'Do you know how difficult it is to wake up to the smell of you in my sheets when you do this? How it hurts me, kills me; to smell you, reach for you, and find nothing but the spot where you were. To want you so bad and having to control myself long enough to make it to the shower, before I bawl or moan; or both.' I sighed. 'I guess I just want to be where you are; to hold you, touch you, taste your skin. To fall asleep in your arms, with your skin against mine, and wake up to your beautiful eyes. Do you have any idea how sexy you are? Even in your pajamas, you are amazingly attractive.' I said as I gently caressed her face. 'I miss you. I just wish I knew where you are.'

As her spirit ran her fingers through my hair, she sighed, 'I know, my love. The distance bothers me too,' she whispered. 'Is there anyone else awake?'

'No. Just me, my sweet Ghost, and a raging boner.'

She chuckled, 'Why don't you go take a hot shower and take care of the problem?'

'No,' I answered. 'I save that until you're in the shower, I get to see every inch of your skin and watch the water run down your back and over your curves. That's when I have to excuse myself and handle things. Don't get me wrong, Mami, you are hot in clothes, but add water and you are dead sexy. Plus, I don't want these guys to walk in on me or catch me, so I save it for when I am at my apartment. It's hard to find ANY privacy in the dorms just to talk, much less to finally get off." I sighed. 'I may need to head home in the morning, anyway, so I can pay some bills.'

'Was that were you were the other day when you dreamed of it?'

I chuckled, 'Yes. I was paying my light bill. Then I played on the Xbox for a bit and fell asleep. Dreamed of you that night. You felt that,' I asked.

'Yep. Every inch.'

I smiled as I remembered the dream. It started out relatively innocuous, just snuggling with her. It ended with her holding on to my footboard while I did naughty things to her lady parts. If I think about it, I can still feel her skin and --umm--other things.

'Do you know how difficult it is to sit there and pretend not to feel your breath on my cheek or your hands on me. To pretend I don't feel your hot breath on my back, whispering all those things to me, as you slowly slide your impressive cock in to the hiIt. To have to sit there and pretend I'm not about to cum. It's torture.'

'We seem to torture each other don't we.'

'We do. But, I think its so we know which buttons and when to use them. So we know each other better than any one else. '

'Hmmm. True. We torture each other. As for adult time, well, projection is ok, but I would much prefer you here or me there. I have this crazy urge to just run. Just drop and run to where ever you are.' I sighed, 'If you told me where, I would be on my way as soon as I could.'

'I have told you where. At least a dozen times. Guess the astral translators don't like that bit of info getting out.'

'They don't. Every single time you tell me how to find you, it comes across as garbled. I think it's cause, if I know where you are, nothing will matter but getting to you.'

'And you would likely kill yourself doing it.'

'I would. I'd be so focused on you I'd end up walking off of some shit and braining myself. No more Kik.'

'No more Kik. No more Haka.'

'Nope. No, Elvis has left the building, folks,' I laughed.

She chuckled, 'Maybe I should call you that from now on,'

'What? Elvis?'

'Yep. Think about it. He made girls freak out. You make girls freak out.'

'True.'

'He made dudes jealous. You make guys jealous.'

'Again, true.'

'You both sing incredibly well,'

'I think he was better.'

'We are gonna have to agree to disagree, right there. Elvis wasn't sexy as hell.'

I could not help the blush that spread across my cheeks. My Ghostie just called me sexy. And from somewhere deep inside me, that nerdy 15 year old was giggling and grinning, 'She thinks I'm sexy'.

'You really think I am sexy,' I asked, playing with her.

'Abso-fuckin-lutely, Babe. Wish you could see what I see. There is more to it, though. It is in every flick of your eyes, it's the way you just seem to know what I want before I do and have no problem delivering just that, in spades. It is the way that, even from this distance, even through this connection, every touch feels like a prayer, a promise. It's in the way you tell me that foreplay starts with my morning coffee. And it is in the way you talk me. And...and. Fuck, we need to stop talking about this.'

'Why? Is it making you hot?'

'Tease.'

'Only til I get home, Ghostie.'

'Go to sleep, Haka. I will talk to you more in the morning, my love.'

'Yes, dear,' I replied. 'Love you, Mami.'

'Love you, Haka. Rest now, my King. I'll keep watch.'

I snuggled in as I felt her press her lips to my forehead, just under my hairline, and fade away. I wonder if she knows that every time she is here, I wish she didn't have to go back. Every time her spirit returns to her, she takes a bit more of my heart with her. Good Mother, help me, I am hopelessly in love with her. Moreover, something tells me she feels the same way about me.

I dreamt of her that night.

We were, somehow, in her great grandmothers home. She came around the corner, and I held my hand out to her, "C'mere, Mami." Then, I was slowly swaying in the living room with her to the soft music she had on, She fits perfectly in my arms, her arm looped around my shoulder, with her chin laying on her hand. My cheek pressed against the side of her head. She shifts her head so her cheek is resting on her hand, snuggling her face into my neck. Her hand laid delicately on my chest until I intertwine my fingers with hers and hold her as close to me as possible, whispering, "You need this as much as I do, Mami." Only to feel her breath on my neck as she sighs contentedly and whispers, "I love you." I tip my chin slightly and press a gentle kiss to her forehead, "Love you too, Mami."

As we are gently swaying, I whisper, "Someday, I will change your last name."

"Really," she chuckles, "To what?"

"Mine."

"Yeah?"

"Oh, yeah, Mami. I can promise you that." I answer as I gently put my finger under her chin and tip it up, before kissing her softly. I poured every ounce of love I could into her, hoping she would feel how I felt.

I finally have an idea of how tall she is. My god, she is tiny. I can fully see over her head. Oddly, somehow, I know that I will never see her in anything with more than a 3 inch heel. She is as accident prone and will probably hurt herself in anything taller. Which means, I will still be taller than her.

The next morning, I wake up smiling and slightly giddy. I am glad no one really notices the soft smile on my face or the look in my eyes. I catch sight of myself as I am getting ready to shave and I know that look on my face. I am so screwed. I force myself to stop smiling long enough to shave but that goofy grin is right back. I try multiple times to quit smiling like that, but I just can't seem to. As the day wears on, it eventually slides away, but then I will blink and almost see her, and that smile is back.

At almost two, I feel her whisper softly against my cheek, "Headed to bed, Haka. Love you, Sweets."

Unfortunately, before I have half a second to tuck her in, Min catches the small smile spreading across my face. In the next second, I am being dragged out of rehearsal, by the back of my shirt and hauled into a stairwell. "Spill," he yells as the door closes.

"What," I ask.

"Why do you keep smiling like a moron? Did you get laid?"

"What? No. I wouldn't do that to your sister," I growl as the smile slides off of my face.

"Is she the reason why you are grinning like an idiot?"

I can't help the smile that covers my face then. "She said she thinks I'm sexy," I giggle as I grin all over again.

Exasperatedly, Min looks at me before deadpanning, "Is that all?"

About that time, HyunWoo opens the door and pops his head in, "If you two hens are done discussing my sisters sex life, can we get back to work?"

"How did you," Min asks him.

"What? Do you think he is the only one who has that goofy fucking grin plastered on all day? Answer; No," He says as he holds the door open. "Sis about brained herself twice today. First with the cabinet door then with the deck railing. Let's go."

As I follow them back into our rehearsals, I ask, "Is she ok?"

He snorts, "She is fine. You know how hard headed she is," before looking over and growling something at Min. Who proceeds to snort with laughter and chuckle.

"Gimmie a minute, guys. Gotta tuck someone in," I giggle and turn around.

I don't see all 5 sets of eyes roll, nor do I really hear what has been whispered, but it sounds suspiciously like, "They are so cute, they still make me wanna puke."

I feel their presence more than see it at this point. I reach inside myself to that soft, silken thread, the one that always leads me to her. I reach out with my spirit and, somehow, caress her upturned cheek before leaning in to kiss her forehead and whisper, "You sleep, my sweet Ghost. I'll keep watch."

I come out of my slight meditation to all 3 of her brothers standing over me. "What?"

Honey is first, "How did you do that?"

"Huh," I asked.

"Get that serene look on your face in two seconds," Min added.

"Oh. That."

"Yeah that," HyunWoo interjects. "How do you slip into your meditation so fast?"

"It is sheer practice and Her. I just feel for her, the spot she holds. Then I follow the thread to her. It isn't that hard. Why are you looking at me like that?"

HyunWoo sighs, "Sorry. We didn't realize just how close you two are. You went from giggly to content and calm in two seconds flat."

I chuckle. "No need. She has never been more than a thought away since I started to remember when I was 13. The memories are weird sometimes. But, the first ones were our first life together. That was when we learned how to reach out to each other, to remember how each others spirit felt. See, feeling someone else's spirit isn't easy, but it gets easier with time. She and I have had 2000 years or so to hone that particular skill."

Feeling a whisper on my shoulder, I sat straight up suddenly. "Be ready. I am childless tomorrow."

Instantly, I knew that after our performance tomorrow night, another kind of performance awaited me. One infinitely more pleasurable. Tapping our thread, I sent down a few pulses and felt her spirit shiver in anticipation.

Wolf PoV

It was late in the evening when I finally had all of my chores finished and was ready for bed. This big bed was suddenly too big for just me. Don't get me wrong, I like being able to sprawl out, but it is almost always cold, lonely.

It helps when he has the time to tuck me in, though. It is not something I ask him to do. I just let him know I am going to bed, so he doesn't worry, and for some reason, he just does it. I feel the energy in the room change slightly and know, somehow, he is there. I snuggle in and feel his fingertips gently caress my cheek before leaning in to place a soft kiss on my forehead and whisper, "You sleep, my sweet Ghost. I'll keep watch."

Part of me wonders if he knows, how that simple touch is always what makes my night. I seem to sleep better when he does that. And his many diminutives never cease to amaze me or make me feel less loved. Whether its Mami or Ghostie, Woman or Baby; I always feel it. It brings to mind that song, To Make You Feel My Love.

That said, it is strange to feel his energy hovering when he is asleep. Like I know, somehow, that if I turned just half a second faster, I would still be able to see his outline.

I fell asleep, chuckling and whispering, "Be ready. I am childless tomorrow," down our connection. I couldn't help the shiver that ripped through me as he sent pulses of pure pleasure down our thread.

[venus-and-bluebells]

I had a really interesting experience today. I got invited by my Yurok language teacher to go on a trip with some other kids in school to Klamath to build redwood canoes/paddles, so of course I went (bc only a fool would pass up a fun day with your friends in a beautiful place helping create something wonderful like canoes and paddles). My friend and I had finished our work on paddles a while ago, and we were standing by one of the canoes that wasn't being worked on at the moment. This car rolls up with a couple of rednecks in it, one old, one young. The old guy gets out and starts looking at the canoes (passersby were being given little tours of the worksite and being told the different parts of the canoe). My friend told me the old guy had been there before, and left a bad taste in everyone's mouth because he was a Trump supporter, so we pretended we didn't see him, didn't offer him a tour, and kept talking. Then I noticed the younger guy in the car had like, locked his doors and was staring at my friend and I really intently and warily, like he was scared we were gonna mess with him or something? And like. I'm a dumbass white girl, I've never directly experienced racism (I do my best to combat it and learn more about it in order to defeat it, though, because fuck that shit), but like, it kinda felt like he was assuming just because most of the folks around him were native, he was in mortal peril or something? And dude. I have not been glared at harder EVER before than this guy. Not when I broke rules as a kid and pissed off my parents, not when I've said cruel things to others in stupidity, not when I've work really weird outfits that confuse people or make them uncomfortable for some reason, not when I've been openly feminist, not when I've been openly queer, and not when I've done anything. This guy was just glaring DAGGERS at me and my friend, and I think just then it kinda clicked for me that that's probably what racism feels like all the time...idk, I'm still s stupid white girl who has a lot to learn about the subject and how to fight it, but like. That guy was just so angry and so afraid, and of what? Canoes with a rich and beautiful spiritual tradition? A bunch of happy kids? A few old dudes? I don't get it, I don't fuckin understand how people can be so closedminded and stupid to fear other people for just doing their thing. Also, idk whether this guy was staring at me or my friend or both of us, but I was feeling ready to call him the fuck out. That shit bothered me so much.

Other than that (and the dumbass old white lady who said "powertools are cheating, that's not native" [to which my wonderful teacher basically said you're not living like you're in Little House on the Prairie, so be quiet you're cheating too]) I had a really great time! I didn't work on the canoes themselves (I was told that the spirituality of a woman building a canoe was kinda weird, and I didn't want to step on anybody's toes, so I did extra stuff that needed done like giving tours, tending the fire, and making paddles), but I got to hang out with my friend and make a few new ones, I got to be in a beautiful place, and it was just a really good day.

Also, if you haven't been to Klamath before, you should go this next summer and get a tour of the river in a redwood canoe! Those canoes are absolutely beautiful and fascinating, and so is the river. And like I said, there's a wonderfully rich cultural and spiritual history behind those canoes that you just don't have in a jetboat.