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amywritesthings · 6 months

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silver underground. / chapter 19.

( Read on AO3 )

Pairing: levi ackerman x f!reader (attack on titan / shingeki no kyojin) Word Count: 5.3k Summary: flashback nine - also known as the calm before the expedition Warnings: mentions of death, anxiety, mentions of betrayal, unhealthy coping mechanisms, fighting, sexual themes

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CHAPTER 18 - FLASHBACK: NINE

Nights turn into years.

The Scouts, to your surprise, take you in as their own.

They don’t question the nature of your connection with Captain Levi.

They don’t even ask about your time in the Underground City.

All they’re curious about is the now — the living, present air that surrounds you; the sun that's finally giving your skin a healthy glow; the comradery that’s kept this group alive longer than any of the Interior betting pools imagined.

Together.

That isn’t to say living with the Scout Regiment has been a breeze.

The surface is almost just as tough as living in the Underground but with more light. Fighting titans is difficult and all-around terrifying, but the Special Operations unit is an otherworldly beast fit to take them on.

At the lead of Commander Erwin and the collaboration between Levi and yourself following close behind, there are more victories in bringing people back to their families than catastrophic losses in numbers.

In terms of discovery, however, the Scouts are lacking in their mission to find anything substantial:

The villages still crawl with titans.

Breaching the forest in order to continue forward proves to be a point of no return Erwin can’t figure out by strategy alone.

The injured trek back to the Walls is always humbling. Over and over, you’re expected to deliver new information to the desperate — and oftentimes ungrateful — people behind the Walls.

They berate you in the streets, throwing food rations and calling you and the other good-for-nothing Scouts crude names.

You’re taught early to ignore it.

(You aren’t willing to explain to Petra and the others that you and Levi have dealt with much worse at much younger ages.)

Anyone with the Wings of Freedom quickly becomes a communal punching bag, but at least no one dies.

Maybe the runts of the litter get eaten — maybe the cocky ones perish, the reckless ones break their necks, the terrified ones kill themselves — but at least no one you know dies.

(You’re okay with not discovering what’s beyond the forest, if it means none of the Special Operations squad dies.)

It isn’t long before you’re introduced to someone who becomes a constant in your life:

Hange Zoe, Section Commander — Levi’s first friend in the Survey Corps.

And, as it stands, they seem pretty hellbent on becoming yours, too.

Hange is a wild-haired, glasses-wearing individual that prides themself on their extensive titan knowledge.

Just like Levi, they stumbled head-first into your life and never left.

They appears one foggy afternoon a few months into your Scout Regiment career. Their first day to headquarters was a memorable one.

You never anticipated the sheer amount of words that could come out of one person’s mouth. One lengthy monologue after the next, Hange caught you up to speed on the titan research program — whether you cared or not.

The Special Operations team was more than happy to trap you with Hange at the mess room table for hours so that they could be spared.

(According to Gunther, enduring their rants is just considered Special Ops hazing.)

Jokes on them: you were happy to listen, because Hange reminds you so much of Isabel.

It’s bittersweet, sharing meals and traveling with someone just as excited about the world as your young friend had been. They marvel at the little things that surround them, their smile as joyous and free as the late redhead that you once shared a cramped Underground City bedroom with.

Hange acts as though they’d known you their entire life.

They treat you as if you’d always been a friend, a very good friend, and you don’t shy from kindness the way Levi does.

Levi, on the other hand, acts like a malevolent cat in their presence, but Hange takes it in stride.

You know Levi well enough to know it’s all an act — Hange is just as much his favorite within the Scouts as they are yours.

You’re not one to believe in fate, but many a night staying up talking to Hange about a future they see feels like your life, this strange life, was meant to be.

That, through the comradery of the Scouts, you can learn to trust again, to laugh again, to reinvent yourself again — and not hang onto Levi’s every movement like his shadow.

You create your own space within the Special Operations squad; one where you are praised for your quick thinking, ODM maneuvering, and fearlessness in battle.

You grow your own friendships.

Hardships.

Inside jokes.

Celebrations.

Bonds forged by strength and by trauma.

(Your own shadow.)

“Oi, where’s Levi?”

You had been busy reading reports in your former bunk room, now morphed and redecorated into your Lieutenant’s quarters.

It’d been a few hours since the last short-term mission ended — you had nearly gotten your ass handed to you by an eight-meter titan with a particularly animated body. Where most titans walk slowly, aimlessly, this one had a frenzied mission. A desire to run.

According to Hange, they're calling them Abnormals.

They’re a new type of nightmare that only keep showing up more and more every trip outside the Walls.

“Hello, earth to James,” Hange sing-songs as they wander in.

You glance up, distracted.

“Hmm? Where’s Levi?” you repeat. “I don’t know, why?”

“Because you two always have a sixth sense on where the other is,” Hange reasons, flopping down in the chair across from you. “It’s freaky.”

“The person who talks to titans is calling me freaky?” you ask with a smirk playing on your lips.

“That’s when you know it’s the truth,” they reply, not skipping a beat. “What is that whole thing about, anyway?”

“What?”

“Sorry, let me rephrase. I never asked: Levi came into the Scouts, right? In all his grumpy glory. Then two months later, you joined us.”

You squint as a response to Hange’s presented puzzle.

“That guy is a hard nut to crack. You must have some kind of special sauce to get him to trust you so fast. Unless…”

The others still don’t know.

Well, they know — they know Levi is incredibly protective of you.

They know you look to his guidance before anyone else.

They know the two of you often disappear to spar.

(Surely they must know where you are almost every night but are too afraid to speak up. It doesn't hinder Scouting missions in the morning.)

“We knew each other before the Scouts,” you finally confess, and Hange’s eyes blow wide with the validation.

“I knew it,” they tell you, snapping their fingers. “The Underground City, right?”

You nod, folding the map in two. “Kids that grow up there stick together.”

The shift in Hange’s expression is almost comical, bordering on conspiratorial.

“Ah-ha. So you two have been fighting alongside one another for a long time. This puts my theory of a weird cranial connection to bed. It’s just childhood friendship.”

You have to try not to smirk. “Yup, just that. No conspiracies needed.”

“Well, that’s one mystery down.” They gesture to their bare neck with their index finger. “I’m still trying to figure out the deal with that, though.”

“Huh?”

“You know, the deal.” They lean over the table to blatantly point at the silver necklace peeking out of your button-down ivory shirt, its pendant sitting against your sternum. “With. That.”

Right.

The necklace you never took off. The necklace you care for with a delicate touch. The necklace that you sleep in, bathe in, fight in.

“It’s just a necklace.”

“Sure.” Their glasses slide down the bridge of their nose. “Just a necklace.”

You laugh, turning your report face down on the table. “Sounds like you don’t believe me.”

“I don’t.” Hange smirks. “I’m supposed to be observant, remember? Well, I have deduced in my observations—”

“Ooh, a deduction,” you tease.

“—that it has importance. So what gives? Does that have something to do with a certain someone?”

Too close to him.

You roll your eyes, sliding your hands from the table’s surface to lean back in the wooden chair.

“How come you wanna know about it so bad, then, if it’s just a necklace?”

“I said it isn’t just—”

“Uh-huh.”

“Oh, now you’re twisting my words.”

“And you’re about to lose your glasses,” you tell them, and they push the center up their nose in short defiance. “What’s the reason you’re so interested all of a sudden?”

Hange groans in the pale torch light, sliding down into their seat in dramatized agony. “Be-cause I saw a titan almost snap that thing in half and you went totally berserk.”

“So?”

“So! I saw how fast you sliced that thing up!” Hange chuckles. “Like you had a personal vendetta against the damn thing. That was supposed to be my new test subject, y’know.”

You chuckle low, burying your chin in the mouth of the emerald green cape around your shoulders. Under the fabric you hold the tiny gemstone, running it between your fingers with admiration.

“Titans should learn not to touch my shit, then.”

“Hey, shitheads.”

The deep voice makes you sit taller, lips parted with a greeting that never quite comes to fruition.

Hange stays hunched over the table as Levi steps into the room. His hand grips tightly around the circumference of a steaming tea cup.

“Hey, Levi,” Hange greets in return. “James was just telling me all about how you two knew each other before the Scouts.”

Levi shoots you a look, and your brow quirks. Nothing too big. His shoulders relax a fraction of an inch.

“Did you tell Four Eyes how I used to always win at spars?” He drops down in a seat at the table, draping his arm over the back.

“I would never lie to poor Hange like that.”

“It wouldn’t be a lie.”

“Would, too.” You gesture to Hange. “Section Commander, would you believe me if I said he won every fight?”

Hange squints. “I’d have to observe for myself.”

Levi smirks, his lips covered by the tea cup.

You groan, leaning over the table to plead your case. “Hange, you’re supposed to say yes.”

“Not without proper evidence!” Hange refutes.

You scoff. “Some friend you are.”

“See, Levi? She said I’m a friend,” Hange adds, pointing to you. They lean back. “One day you’re going to say the same thing.”

Levi snorts. “Sure, when I’m shitting myself dead.”

Hange squints at the raven-haired man. “Why is it always shit jokes with—”

“James.”

It’s neither Hange or Levi that says your name.

You turn to see Eld standing at the doorway of the kitchen.

He seems… uncertain of how to approach your bedroom despite how the door is already open for wandering company.

He shifts in his stance, clearing his throat.

“Commander Erwin wanted to speak with you,” Eld informs you, eyes flickering over your face.

The smile you have from your conversation with Hange begins to slowly fall.

“Something up?” Hange asks.

Eld ignores them, staring at you instead.

You turn your chin to Levi, but the captain doesn’t react. He continues sipping his tea in silence.

“Now?” you ask.

“Now,” he confirms.

You catch Hange’s eyes before pushing the chair out. “Alright, fine.”

It isn’t like Erwin to summon people, much less you. If he has something to say, he usually does so by seeking out the person in question himself.

Sending Eld only means that he may be discussing matters with the rest of the Levi Squad on an individualized basis.

Maybe it’s to debrief from the short mission a few hours ago.

Maybe he’s looking for counsel on the strategy map you’d been pouring over before Hange and Levi swung by.

Whatever it is, it doesn’t leave you with a great feeling in your gut.

Up the stairs and down a narrow corridor sits Erwin Smith’s office. He has the door slightly ajar, the room illuminated solely by half-lit candles.

You knock your knuckles against the wooden slab.

“Commander?”

Erwin is sitting at his desk with pages of letters, diagrams, and what you presume to be Hange’s crude drawings of the titans they had captured three months prior. His dark emerald trench coat hangs loosely from the chair’s back.

His piercing blue eyes lift, staring straight at you.

“Come in, Lieutenant.”

You were never a fan when he called you that.

Lieutenant — it was a fake title to keep the masses from ever questioning your spot on the Special Operations squad, same with Levi.

Citizens never questioned it. Military Police, however, were never a fan.

Yet when Erwin said it, it always followed with something you wouldn’t enjoy hearing. Like you were being chastised for something before you knew the crime you’d committed.

“Is something the matter?”

“Not explicitly, no,” Erwin tells you, dropping his gaze to his papers briefly before glancing back up. “Close the door, please.”

Great.

Something was wrong.

You roll your eyes, closing the door. Your back stays pressed against it, arms crossed over your chest.

Maybe Levi became close with Erwin throughout the years, acting as his right-hand man through the thick of battle, but you had no interest in crowding his flank.

You didn’t like the method to Commander Erwin’s madness. It often went to great lengths at the cost of others; casualties be damned so long as the mission was successful.

You’re certain that’s why the public hates all of you.

Erwin, however, does not cater to the public’s opinion of himself, not when he can keep pushing towards the forest no one can quite yet conquer.

“I need you to be honest with me, Lieutenant,” he sighs, pushing his papers to the side.

You quirk a brow, staying put against the door. “I didn’t eat the rest of the potatoes, if that’s what you’re about to accuse me of.”

The blonde smirks, albeit briefly. “No, it has nothing to do with food rations.”

For a moment, the two of you stare each other down. You clench your jaw and neutralize your expression as he tries to decipher you well before the inquiry is asked.

It’s a game of mental chess.

You won’t give him the satis—

“Lieutenant, what is your connection to Captain Levi?”

You pause.

This question sounds like a layered spring trap — step too close with a simple answer and Erwin has the potential to drown your words in assumptions and claims.

Your heart beats a little faster.

“You already know my connection to Captain Levi, sir.”

“You don’t need to sir me,” Erwin says, like the casual coolness of the statement will somehow ease the tension cinching your shoulder blades together. “And I never heard it from you, not directly.”

“Because you stuck my face in some mud and talked over me the day you made me think my business partners were dead,” you reply with little tact.

Erwin can’t help but smile at the snip. It’s annoying how he takes everything in stride.

“Yes. I didn’t give you much choice to explain yourself then, so I will ask you now.”

He locks eyes, and you can’t escape.

“What is he to you?”

Everything stills.

You don’t like where this is headed.

Although you spent plenty of nights in Levi’s bedroom, sometimes even switching it up to linger in yours, you both had been so careful to keep the relationship out of sight and out of mind.

You clench your jaw tighter. “Levi Ackerman is my former business partner, just the same as Isobel Magnolia and Furlan Church.”

“And?”

“And?” your brows knit. “And he is… a friend. Family.”

“A very close friend,” he surmises with a thick brow raised in question. “One you would move mountains to protect, yes? Even if you could not be beside him?”

The implications of his words instantly make you distrust the Commander’s intentions with this conversation.

While you feel close with the Scouts within the Special Ops squad, there is no mistake to be made: only one name rings true as your top priority.

And it isn’t Erwin. It isn’t Hange. It isn’t Petra, or Oluo, or Eld, or Gunther.

Fear grips your heart.

Like a cornered animal, you speak out of turn.

“Are you implying you have a plan to split us up?”

To move you to another squad.

It’s the first idea that pops into your panicked brain.

A captain and a lieutenant on one team didn’t really ring fair — not when you could lead up your own squad.

You don’t want to.

“Is that what this is? To gauge whether or not I’d be willing to transfer? To finally move me to some other squad so I can lead alongside Levi Squad?”

“No.”

“Because if the intent of this question on whether or not I would hurt someone that would try to separate us, Commander, then you are sorely mistaken to think that I would be alright with—”

“James,” Erwin coos, voice deceiving soft when he lifts a palm. “I have no intentions to separate or reorganize Levi Squad.”

You realize what you just blurted.

What you’ve revealed.

You gave him all of your cards, tossing them clear to the desk in front of you.

Fuck.

You close your mouth, afraid you’ve done something horrible wrong.

Erwin gives no sign of winning the upper hand in his expression. He does, however, keep his brow gentle.

“Something new came to my attention while you were on your mission,” he tells you with purpose in an effort to calm the tension in the room. “An opportunity to navigate the forest in full with the potential to eliminate the predicted death rate. Eighty percent to forty. Slashed in half.”

You stare, choosing your next words very carefully.

“The forest is untouchable.”

“It is.”

“The last strategy didn’t work.”

“I know, Lieutenant.” He leans back in his chair. “It’s a risky mission. One that requires the best Scouts I have at my disposal. I believe, if we use my new formation, then we can pierce through the forest and find our way on the other side.”

You try to connect the dots eons away from one another.

If Erwin wanted to give you a job, then why didn’t he just say it?

“...you know I’m willing to go, Commander,” you tell him, brows knit.

“I know you would be,” he replies, “but Captain Levi is not willing to take that risk.”

Your blood runs cold.

What?

Your chin juts abruptly to the left, head tilting as you try to process what he’s saying between the lines.

He knew you would say yes to the risky mission. You’re happy to take the risky missions.

But Captain Levi…

“What does Levi have to do with this?” you ask before you can help yourself.

“Levi came up with the strategy to breach the forest in conjunction with my formation, but he requested that I not allow you to join us.”

Erwin rests his palms against his ribcage, lacing his fingers together. He sighs through his nose, contemplating.

“You see, now, why I wanted to know what your relations were to him.”

That ice-cold stream in your veins quickly shifts to molten.

He went behind your back?

“Levi wouldn’t do that,” you murmur, but you're not certain when you speak.

(Because it wouldn’t be the first time, you realize; deep in your gut.)

“He did,” Erwin corrects. “He has. An hour ago, to be exact.”

While you were talking to Hange?

“I’m good for the mission, Erwin,” you tell him, using his first name despite how you feel about familiarity with him.

“I know you are, James,” he replies with less formality. “And I’m willing to bypass Levi’s wishes if you want to join us on the expedition beyond the forest.”

Your mouth dries up.

Everything feels… nauseating.

There is a betrayal festering in your belly, one you cannot ignore in front of Erwin.

You have to go.

You have to find Levi.

“Permission to be excused?” you abruptly request. “I think I need to speak with Captain Levi myself, but rest assured I am going on that expedition.”

“Excused, Lieutenant,” he signs off, staying seated.

You never rip open a door so fast in your life.

Your boots echo down the corridor, face hot with embarrassment and worry.

Why would he tell Erwin not to let you go?

Why would he do that behind your back?

You round the corner, headed straight for his bedroom. When your hand jiggles the knob, it’s locked shut.

Then you continue further down the hall to the next room on the opposite end.

Your room.

Levi continues to sip tea slowly at your table, reading over the map you had folded up with mild interest.

Hange is nowhere to be found.

Good. It’s easier if they’re gone.

“Ackerman.”

The abruptness of his last name has him as still as a statue.

Only his gray eyes flicker up past the cup, pausing in his sip. Your lip curls as you force the words out of your mouth.

“We’re sparring.”

Levi sets his tea up on the tiny saucer below. “Excuse me?”

“I said we’re going outside and fucking sparring, Captain,” you snarl. “Let’s go.”

Because you can’t yell at him.

Not here, not when there’s a possible audience in the echoing hallways.

You hear the wooden chair scrape across the floor, and slow boots step out into the hallway with you. You don’t look back.

Down the stairs, around the foyer, and out of the headquarter entrance you go — with every step, the more upset you get.

“This night has gotten dramatic,” he calls to you once he reaches the mouth of the sparring ring. “What did Erwin have to say?”

You turn on the heel of your boot, remaining silent.

You want him to say it first. To confess.

(You want him to prove that Erwin is lying.)

He doesn’t.

He just waits, infuriatingly patient.

“You know what Erwin had to say,” you seethe. “How could you?”

He blinks twice, inhaling slowly through his nose.

Then, he shrugs off his uniform jacket and hangs it by a nearby tree branch. He rolls up his sleeves to his elbows.

“I need you to make sure Hange doesn’t get eaten by their next test subject," he flatly explains.

“Oh, so we lie to each other now?” you ask. In a cascade of pops to your left hand, you crack your knuckles.

“James—”

Too late.

You throw the first punch, and he dodges it easily. His gaze hardens.

“Sloppy,” he comments.

Hurting Levi isn't your goal, but you don't know what else to do with this rage. This is the only way you can properly express the uncertainty festering in your belly.

Levi gets that.

He doesn't judge that.

To quell your budding panic attack, he'll easily deflect your advancements and tire you out.

(He's the only one. He's always been the only one.)

“You have some fucking nerve," you bite, nostrils flaring. "You wanna know what he asked me before he told me about your little forest plan?”

You kick him, and it happens to land.

You’re fairly certain he gave you a freebie.

His brow quirks, so you continue.

“Erwin asked me what we were.”

That seems to pause his defense, though he easily pushes away your next punch.

“And?”

“I told him we fuck.” The whites of Levi’s eyes grow. “Every single night under everyone’s noses — on every surface of his precious little headquarters —”

“You didn’t.”

“Yeah, asshole, I didn’t. I’m lying. Kind of like you lied right to my face.”

“I didn’t lie to you about the plan.” Levi throws a half-hearted punch for good measure. You deflect. "Can't lie if I didn't tell you about it."

“Shut — up.” You snap, throwing another hard hook at him.

Like lightning, he deflects. When he grabs your wrist, you struggle to rip your arm out of his grip. Levi drags you into his chest, keeping you trapped against him, the air heavy between you.

Panting through your nose, you work through your fury and hurt by staring him down.

“I’m going.”

His eyes narrow. “No.”

“What the fuck has you so scared, Levi?” you beg, and he falters for a moment. “We promised we’d be at each other’s sides, so what gives?”

Levi considers your words, searching your face. He keeps the mask up, not allowing you in — which hurts.

“You saw one today, right?” he murmurs, low and dangerous. “An Abnormal.”

The creature's wild, deranged grin still lingers in your mind’s eyes. How it ran at you on all fours, unlike any titan you’ve ever seen before. It was terrifying, but you don’t have to tell him that.

He's seen them, too.

“According to our intel, that place is crawling with Abnormals. The forest floor is a suicide pit. That’s why we can’t push on.”

“So?”

“So?” His brows knit. “If we push in, then that means they may run the other way. They may sense we have a titan held captive here. I need you to stay with Hange and Moblit while they experiment on that freak to make sure they’re safe.”

Deja Vu hits you.

“I’m going,” you robotically repeat as you work through why this feels so familiar.

“You’re not, I — did you not just listen to me, shithead?”

“I’m going,” you repeat once more, convincing yourself more than him.

Levi eases up on your wrist, panting.

"This is a waste of time.”

He pushes you away and turns a heel, heading back towards headquarters.

“Hey," you murmur.

The abrupt jolt of violence is what you need to wake up: to realize you’ve had this conversation before.

“Hey! I’m talking to you!” you shout after him.

He doesn’t look back.

A humorless laugh leaves your mouth before you launch into your final plea.

“You’re always so quick to walk the fuck away.”

That gets him to stop.

His eyes, wide with his own budding fury, stare back at you, so you continue to speak.

“The second you think my life is in danger, you shut me out. It's textbook Levi. You stop thinking of me as a viable teammate and more like someone you should babysit.”

Levi’s nostrils flare. “James.”

“No, you listen to me, you piece of shit,” you angrily snap. “You sidelined me back in the Underground City on our last job, and look what happened. It failed. We lost everything. You got taken to the Scouts. Isabel and Furlan died.”

“Stop.”

“Countless times you’ve chosen Eld and Gunther to join you on camp watch when we’re beyond the Walls. You’ve never once asked me to take the hard watches.”

“I was avoiding the look of favoritism,” he growls, gritting his teeth.

You keep going with a small, humorless laugh. “Oh, I see right fucking through you, Levi Ackerman. The countless times you’ve put me with Petra or Oluo? With Hange and Moblit? What’s the excuse you always, always, use?”

He turns his cheek, but you push your hand against his face to turn him back to you.

“Protection, that’s right. I have to protect people. I always have to fucking protect everyone while you play martyr. Humanity’s Strongest, right?”

His eyes turn to slivers of anger. “Don’t.”

“That’s what they’re calling you behind the Walls," you mock. "Captain Levi, Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, always willing to do the hard shit. You don’t give a damn that I’m worried sick over not having your back. It's only about your fears, never mine. Now you’re escalating it to, what, forbidding me to go on missions with you, too?”

“You fought an Abnormal for the first time today,” he quickly argues back, under his breath to keep control of his volume. “What did you say in your report? An eight-meter titan almost got you? You were lucky to escape, right?”

You can’t help but scowl. “Yes, but—”

“But, what?" he challenges with a hiss. "You wanna go back out to the den where they all shit together? Was one not enough for you today?”

“That’s what Scouts do, Levi,” you argue, rounding him as he starts to walk away again. You walk backwards, keeping in time with his steps. “We know the risks.”

“You’re not going.”

“You don’t have a fucking say in that.”

“I do.”

“Levi, no you don’t. You don’t own me,” you seethe. “Why do you think you can just order me around to sit back and watch you fight these things without me? Why don’t you trust me to fight beside you for once? Why—”

“Because if I lose you this time, then that’s it!”

He shouts, unlike himself. The volume surprises you as much as it does him.

You freeze, eyes growing wide and mirroring his own.

The echoes bounce off the trees, rustling the wind.

“I lost you when we were kids,” he confesses with a slight crack to his voice, exhausted. “I lost you when the job went wrong — James, please, I love you so goddamn much and I will lose my fucking mind if something happens to you.”

Your expression unravels, softening in his broken plea for absolution.

“Yeah, I leave you out and I am sorry if that hurts your feelings, but if I don’t have you to come home to — then what the fuck is this for?”

He is out of breath, as if a giant weight has lifted.

The emotion is far too much for him to handle.

He’s grasping at straws to hold him steady.

“Nothing will happen to me.” You see a flicker of grief pass over his stern face. “Levi, I’m not going anywhere. Hey…”

You near him, pulling his face towards you by cradling his head in your palms.

He closes his eyes, breathing sharply through his nostrils as he tries not to relax into the moment.

“You don’t know that,” he protests under his breath. “The forest is dangerous.”

“But if I have you watching my every move, how could we lose? Fighting right by your side and never leaving it,” you remind him, running a thumb gently along his cheekbone. “Remember when I promised you I wouldn’t die on you?”

He scoffs, but you duck your chin to meet his eyes.

“Y’know, the first night you…”

“Yeah, yeah, I remember,” he interrupts.

You can’t help but smile. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, shithead, of course I do," he deflates, opening his gray eyes to study you. A light shade of pink peppers his cheeks. "Not exactly a night I could forget."

You continue caressing his cheek, knowing how much it can soothe him.

He fights it, but ultimately he relents.

Releases.

"I won't die on you," you repeat, firmer this time.

"I know," he exhales. "Because if you died on me, I’d drag your ass out of wherever shitty afterlife they stick you in and bring you back myself.”

You believe him.

For a moment you both stand here in the dark, coming down from the adrenaline.

After a minute passes, you speak softer.

"We'll clear the forest."

"I know."

"And we'll be able to return to the Walls with the first update in years."

"I know."

“And then when you're done meeting with the Commander, I’ll be waiting in your bed—”

Levi’s eyes snap open from the outwardly bold suggestion. “James—”

“—with a dozen apologies in a dozen different positions—”

He presses a hand over your mouth to muffle the other dirty things you want to say before they turn into giggles.

He kisses the back of his hand and shakes his head.

“You’re a fucking nightmare.”

Eventually he lets go, and you press a chaste kiss to his lips.

“I mean it. We’ll come home.”

A moment passes, but Levi eventually pulls your forehead to rest against his.

“Yeah. Right home.”

Author's Notes:

CHECK OUT THIS AMAZING FLASHBACK ART THAT @ariessential CREATED! I have it saved to my desktop so I can admire it while I'm writing. I'm obsessed.

Happy holidays to those who are celebrating this weekend! Next chapter is the final flashback. I am sure you all know where this is headed, so all aboard the pain train. Your reblogs, comments, and engagement with this story keeps this engine going. Thank you, thank you.

deleted scene 02. :: an alternate version, aka the first draft, of that forest moment in chapter nine.

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sixpennydame · 11 months

Text

Make. Believe. ❖ Drabbles

The WIRED Interview

A/N: I wanted to explore some of the interviews and other promotions that Actor!Levi does for the final part of Attack on Titan, but that don't quite fit into the Make. Believe. storyline.

Big shoutout to @fictional-d-supremacy who gave me the idea for the WIRED interview. This is just pure fun between Levi and Zeke. Enjoy!

Make.Believe. Series

“Hi, I’m Zeke Yeager.”

“And I’m Levi Ackerman, and this is the WIRED autocomplete interview.”

WIRED has searched for the internet’s most burning questions about Zeke and Levi, to which they’ll take turns answering. Zeke loves these kinds of things. Levi…

…not so much. But he tolerates it, and always has a good time with Zeke, who seems to be his constant interview companion.

Levi picks up the board with the pre-chosen questions and peels off the first one. “Is Zeke Yeager like his character in Aot?” Levi looks at Zeke. “I mean, I have opinions on this.”

“And your opinions are that of course I am nothing like my character in Attack on Titan. I do not want to commit mass eugenics, for one thing.”

“True..” Levi pauses, “but you are a bit of an asshole.”

“What?!” Zeke shockingly yells out. “I’m the nicest!”

“Yes, you are.” Levi looks at the camera and mouths silently, “he’s not,” then smirks.

Levi pulls off the next question. “Does Zeke Yeager play baseball? He does..”

“Yeah, I do, actually. I played baseball in high school and went to university on a baseball scholarship. But then the acting bug bit and I put my lucrative baseball career behind. Who knew it’d become such a big part of my life again.”

“Ok, next one..” Levi reads, “What is Zeke Yeager’s haircut called?”

“Oh this is the 90’s boy band special haircut right here.” Both men laugh. “It’s all about that middle part, baby.”

“That beard isn’t 90’s boy band though,” Levi teases.

“Well, we can’t all have beautiful baby faces like yours, Levi.” Zeke reaches over and strokes Levi’s cheek. “As smooth as a baby’s butt.”

Levi shoos him away. “Alright, alright, not in front of the cameras.”

“Oh right…that’s for later..” Zeke winks.

Levi rolls his eyes. “This is the last one. Is Zeke Yeager monkey?”

They both look at each other, confused. “Is Zeke Yeager…monkey…” Zeke says slowly. “Is that a complete sentence?”

“Who writes these?” Levi laughs.

“The internet is a strange, strange place.” Zeke straightens up in his seat and looks straight into the camera. “No, dear internets, I am not ‘monkey’. I am just a man - a simple, good-looking, talented man,” he says with conviction.

Zeke lifts up the board beside him and pulls off the tape on the first question. “Your turn, buddy: Is Levi Ackerman short?”

“Define ‘short’.” Levi laughs. “I mean, yes, by most standards, I suppose I am. It used to bother me when I was younger but now…well, it doesn’t matter to me.”

“But don’t tease him about his height,” Zeke cuts in, “because he will punch you in the arm.”

“No, I just do that to you,” Levi retorts.

“Awww, I’m special..” Zeke pulls the next tape. “Does Levi Ackerman hate Zeke Yeager?” Zeke looks at Levi with puppy eyes, but Levi stays silent. “Well?”

“Define ‘hate’.” Zeke makes a motion as if he’s stabbing his own heart. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding. No, I don’t hate Zeke. Our characters loathe each other, yes, but off-camera, we’re actually good friends.”

“Dare I say…best friends?” Zeke puts a hand on Levi’s knee.

“Good friends,” Levi says as he raises an eyebrow.

“…that are practically best friends.” Before Levi can respond, Zeke reads the next question. “Is Levi Ackerman dating Hange Zoe? Oooooh…”

“I get this one a lot. No, Hange and I aren’t dating, but we do hang out a lot together, when we have time. They were one of my first friends I made on set and will always have a special place in my heart.”

“Just like I have a special place in your heart,” Zeke smiles before tearing off the tape on the board. “Did Levi Ackerman date Erwin Smith?”

Levi smirks. “As if I would be so honored.”

A pause. “That’s all you’re gonna say about that? You’re such a tease, Levi,” Zeke replies. “Last one here..” Zeke tears off the tape slowly, “Is Levi Ackerman single? Apparently, everyone is obsessed with your love life, Levi. Actually, he-“

“I am, at the moment, yes,” Levi breaks in. Zeke stares at him, but quickly hides the surprise on his face. “Well, you heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen. The man is single.” Zeke smirks at the camera, “As am I.” He winks.

——

The filming ends and the bright lights dim as Levi and Zeke get up from their chairs. “Hey nice job, man. That was fun,” Zeke exclaims as he grabs his jacket from an assistant. “But that last question..”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Levi quickly blurts out. There’s an awkward moment of silence between the two men, then, “I mean, it wouldn’t have worked out, right? We both have so much going on right now and for all I know she’s already in Iceland and has completely forgotten about me.”

“Sounds like you haven’t forgotten about her, though. That’s your problem right there.” Zeke puts his arm around Levi’s shoulder. “I’m going out with a very lovely makeup artist tonight for some drinks and she has a very lovely friend. You should come with us.”

He should go; it would do him good to relax a bit with a friend and have a few drinks. But to meet another girl - to flirt and make small talk and feign interest..

..he’s not ready for that.

“Nah, I think I’ll pass this time. I just want to take it easy tonight.”

“Your loss. But I guess I’ll do my best to entertain two pretty ladies on my own.”

“I’m sure you’ll manage somehow.” Levi laughs. “See you at the Vanity Fair shoot?”

“Another chance to hang out with the world’s hottest shortie? I’m counting down the days!” Levi punches him hard in the arm. “Ow!”

#let me know if you have any other ideas for drabbles!#these are so fun!#sixpennydame make.believe.#sixpennydame drabbles #actor!levi #aot actor au fan fiction #aot actor au #aot drabbles #aot fanfiction #snk fanfiction #snk levi ackerman #levi ackerman #levi ackerman drabbles #zeke yeager #actor!zeke yeager #zeke jeager

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softeninglooks · 1 year

Text

levi ackerman | one of those mornings

reposting this levi x reader one shot i wrote some time ago on my old blog because i can’t remember the email i used to log onto that account and i really enjoyed writing it back then. minor corrections included 🌷☀️

“You’re staring.”

A hoarse chuckle left your lips while your eyelids were lifting slowly, lazy rays of sunshine falling onto your face, inundating your beautiful eyes with light; even half-asleep, his intent gaze had burned into your peaceful features, gently drawing you away from slumberous half-consciousness and into a languorous waking. Dawn greeted you with the warmth of a bourgeoning spring day and the caress of grey eyes that held your whole world in them.

“Tch,” Levi breathed out softly, fingers sweeping a few strands of hair away from your face; his lips weren’t quite a smile yet, but he couldn’t take his eyes off you. “Can’t I enjoy the only moments you’re not covered in titan shit?”

“Fair enough,” your palm covered Levi’s hand, which you brought to your lips, leaving a tender kiss on it. “Good morning, Levi.”

“Good morning, Y/n.”

Your fingers interlaced, the Captain leaning forward to plant a feathery kiss upon your forehead, his pointy nose barely bumping into your skin. He regained his place beside you, a little closer than before, the tangled sheets you shared agreeably shielding you from the morning breeze flowing in through the half-open windows.

“You woke up earlier, didn’t you?” you mused, moving your hand up over Levi’s taut forearms, then neck, until it ended on his cheek.

“Yes. The kettle’s on.”

“Thank you for not waking me up. And coming back.”

“I couldn’t miss this.”

Levi’s unconcealed sincerity—that same deep care he couldn’t always say but always expressed whenever he took care of his soldiers and friends—sent shivers down the beating walls of your heart. If any goodness existed in this world, then it lay within Levi’s soul, the hopeful glow of stars guiding a solitary wanderer radiating off his small frame. In spite of what others said and imagined, you knew the strength of Levi’s kindness, unstoppably pulsing even behind every harsh word and violent action, and ordering him to always stand back up, no matter the cost. He had given away everything—even his humanity, some thought. Yet you knew, better than anyone else, how deeply human Levi Ackerman was.

Your fingers threaded in Levi’s silky raven hair, which you brushed away from his forehead lovingly, your eyes locked in a quiet mutual understanding. Levi tried his best, but words didn’t come easy to the short Captain; so you would talk instead, feeling his grip tighten over your skin when his heart was touched like never before; or you wouldn’t talk, and let yourself be in the moment, which spoke louder than sentences.

For the longest time, Levi had been seen as a weapon—a soldier, unreadable, harsh, cold, efficient. Humanity’s strongest, with death-sowing hands and crimson-stained blades. But then, for the first in his entire miserable, brutal life, someone had glimpsed the man within. The man whose dedicated heart was yet to be buried, and who had never believed there could be redemption for someone like him—someone whose sole purpose had become to avenge. But then you came; and suddenly, someone was asking him about his mother, about the sky he would contemplate at night with Isabel and Furlan, about his favourite kind of tea. And that had never happened before. And if Levi could’ve broken the thick silence that had been his companion for far too long, he would’ve told you that you had brought him back to life. But not yet, not when a part of him still battled to keep his head over the water, but one day, he would. Perhaps on a morning just like this, when there would be no more war.

But for now, lying in bed together, your fingers carding through his slightly dishevelled hair, his hand lingering on your bare arm, was enough. Sooner or later, the day would come when he would finally gather all the words he needed.

#levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman fanfiction #aot fanfiction #attack on titan fanfiction #attack on titan x reader #levi ackerman fluff #attack on titan #aot #my writing #writing

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thecuriousquest · 11 months

Note

Levi yandere alphabet

Yandere Alphabet: Levi Ackerman

Tag List: @issamomma

Warnings: Yandere themes, dark shit, non con/dub con, kidnapping scenario, dacryphilia, blood kink (hematolagnia), knife kink, mentions death a lot, nudity, controlling behavior, dominant, sadistic behavior, possessive behavior, submissive, degradation, sexual needs mentioned

Checkout my Master List here.

—————————————————————————

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Levi would be the type of Yandere that, oddly, wouldn’t smother you. He is infatuated with you, but with his cold and distant nature, he isn’t the kind that would show you a lot of affection. Maybe a kiss on the cheek or forehead here and there, maybe him guiding you with a hand on your lower back. That’s about it, though. He’ll always love having you on your knees for him, however. If you WANT affection from him, that would be the best way to go about it.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

Levi is in such a WONDERFUL position. He doesn’t even have to get his hands dirty. With all of the Titan attacks, he could just see one going in the direction of one of your love interests. Oh no, he’s too far away. Can’t get to him in time. Oh no…said love interest is now out of the question. He’ll watch the entire ordeal with a smirk. If he really wants to, he’ll probably punch soldiers or threaten them with dishonorable discharge if they don’t clean up their act around you.

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

Let’s just pretend that this busy man even has the time to abduct you. He will definitely mock you. He’ll tease and patronize the shit out of you. “Oh, you don’t want to be here? You don’t like it here? It’s a shame that I don’t really give a shit about what you want.”

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

Yeah, he’s a man with needs. He’s going to fuck the absolute hell out of you whether you want it or not. He’ll still manage to get you off, though, priding himself on the fact that he thinks he’s a gentleman.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

Levi isn’t going to expose his heart to you for some time. After a few years, he’ll utter the words, “I really care for you.” That’s it. That’s the best it’s going to get.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

He gets a sick pleasure from seeing you start a fight because it urges him to dominate you. He’s pinning you down, forcing you to drop whatever weapon you found. It makes him feel powerful, makes his cock twitch with masculine energy as he watches you squirm beneath him until you become so tired that you submit.

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

He is a literal hunter, and you’re his prey. He’ll give you a fifteen minute head start. He will even go as far as using his ODM gear to track you down. Whipping through the air, he’ll find you, and then you’re in for it.

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

Yandere Levi is into knife play. Anytime he gets out a sharp object to caress and cut your skin with, you’re shuddering under his touches. You hold your breath, knowing that he has already littered your skin with small scars. With his name still stitched into your hip, you whine as he marks you. This is your hell.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

You’re his pet, his submissive. You’re always going to be just that until the day he dies. His future consists of you sitting by his feet while he drinks tea, following him around while he does paperwork or goes to meetings. Your place is either at his feet, underneath him, or by his side. This is the future he envisions with you.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

He’s going to calculatingly wait until the right moment to strike. He’ll send soldiers home in shame, putting a black mark on their name. Dishonorable discharge is the name of the game with Captain Levi. He lashes out with you, however, if you’re the one getting handsy with other men. He will still send those soldiers home, but he’ll scold you until your ears bleed.

“What are you? Some kind of whore?! Do you have any idea what this is? This is the Survey Corps, and you’re a part of my squad. Do you even know what that means? In a way, you represent me, so quit acting like a slut, and keep it on your pants, cadet! I shit you not, if I find you doing anything like that again, I am going to tie you up against the whipping post so that everyone can witness your punishment.”

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

He’s still cold, but he’s less cold with you than he would be around others. He really likes having an arm around you. It makes him feel like he has some kind of power over you. He loves that feeling, and most importantly, he knows you can’t do anything about it.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

He’s ordering you to clean up your space more often, demanding that you take better care of yourself. When you’re helping him with paperwork, he’ll sneak you extra rations. If you’re lucky, he’ll even let you have tea with him. This is his way of showing you that he cares for you. He wants to make sure you’re staying clean and hygienic. He needs to know that you’re not going to bed starving. He likes to have you relax around him.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

He’s still making the same comments he does around everyone else. He’s even calling you a “shitty brat” at times. Even on cleaning days, he’s forcing you to participate with the other cadets. The only difference is that he’ll compliment you on your cleaning efforts whereas he’s telling Erin to redo whatever he just did.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

Whippings with his belt, over the knee spankings, being forced to clean while naked, or lectures are his favorite methods to punish you. He’s a very hands on disciplinarian most of the time.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

All of them. You no longer have the pleasure of making your own schedule. It’s already been deemed by your captain. This is just one example of how your rights have been stripped away. Another one is how your freedom from degrading treatment and cruel punishment has been taken from you because Levi loves to humiliate you, even publicly sometimes.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

You’ll find that his patience wears thin easily. If you even attempt to talk back, he’s going to shove two fingers in your mouth and slap you with the back of his hand. He’ll keep pushing you until you stop pushing back. “Give me a reason. Give me a fucking reason to punish you, brat.”

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

He is the type that will move on, but it will be hard for him at first. He’ll miss your presence. You were a flicker of light in his world of Titans and death. You being gone means he has to go through the process of finding someone to love all over again, and nobody will ever be able to hold a candle to you. He’ll tell his new toy, “You’re nothing like the last one. Such a pity. I’ll still use you however I see fit, but I’ll only think of her. You’re just a warm body. Remember that.”

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

There’s a part of him that knows what he’s doing is wrong. He’s not delusional. However, he is a sick bastard as a Yandere. Him holding onto you means he has power over you. Yandere Levi loves feeling powerful or in control of something. This is why he has no regrets.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

Despite his childhood trauma, I can’t see him being a Yandere because of it. I think it has more to do with the way the world is dwindling into chaos with the collapse of the walls and the oncoming Titan attacks. Levi would see you and immediately spring into protective mode, his bloodline making him want to shield you from death.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

He LOVES it when you cry, especially if he’s the one who made you cry. It’s more amo to throw your way. If he’s reprimanding you so badly that you shed tears, he’ll use that against you, push you until you’re full on sobbing. You can bet your tits he’ll be condescending too. “Stop acting like a damn cry baby, and start acting like a fucking soldier, cadet.”

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

He’s not above hurting people, but it truly is a last resort for him. If he were to hurt someone, it would be to make you more compliant. That’s one of the very few reasons he would feel the absolute need to shed blood, however. Obey or one of your friends gets hurt. It is a classic Yandere move, but the reason why this sets him apart from other classic yanderes is because it isn’t his first, second, or even third choice. Hell, he has so many things he could do to make you compliant, he doesn’t even really need to kill or seriously injure anyone in order to make you submit to his will.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

Tea! Just fucking poison that shit. If you play the game long enough and bide your time, he’ll eventually have a bad day where is guard is slightly lowered. Earn his trust by serving him tea a bunch before you actually slip something in it.

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

Yes, he’s a Yandere with sadistic tendencies. He loves to see you hurt, wants to watch you cry and writhe beneath his body as he holds you down. You give him all the control he needs in a world where control seems like a foreign concept.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

He’s too cold to nurture you in such a way. Worshipping just isn’t his style. How far would he go to win you over? He’ll get you extra rations for dinner and put you in a position where you’re safe from Titans.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

It’s really instant with how he reacts to seeing you (because of the Ackerman blood). He just sees you and something protective goes off in him. You’re instantly his in his mind.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

No, he likes seeing you fight. He likes seeing you cry and beg. Levi doesn’t want something so fucking lifeless and broken. However, if you start submitting more often, he won’t have a problem with that.

#attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #levi ackerman #captain levi #aot levi #levi aot #levi ackerman attack on titan #levi attack on titan #levi is hot #yandere levi ackerman #yandere x y/n #yandere #triggering content #triggering themes #yandere x you #yandere x reader #yandere x darling #choke me daddy #spank me daddy

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levmada · 3 months

Note

Hey how are you? 🧡

Question: how do you think Levi would have turned out if he didn’t grow up underground but within the walls? With his mother or at least with sunlight and maybe in an orphanage? Would he still have joined the scouts? Would he have some characteristic traits he has? Would he be more outgoing? Cocky?

oh sari i've answered a question exactly like this before😭...

i'll put it here, but i'll add some stuff too and polish off what i said...

this idea is insanely interesting to me. we know from Bad Boy so far that kenny was “watching out for” levi so to speak before his mother died, which i take to mean there’s not kenny without levi & kuchel and vice versa.

i have a few tidbits from a fic like this haha. say Kenny is “”””friends”””” with Uri already and they’re one big happy family :33 something just tells me Kenny would still drill it into Levi how to fight and survive. because, just bc Uri is officially making reparations (or whatever it was) for Ackerman persecution, doesn’t mean it’s safe. Kuchel would make sure he didn’t go too hard on him😡😡but Levi would be capable.

with Kuchel there at all, you just know Levi is happier as a person😭😭. compared to Mikasa as a kid who was sheltered, all smiley and curious and giggly😭😭😭😭😭LITTLE LEVI😭😭😭😭😭😭😭SMILEY AND CURIOUS AND GIGGLY😭😭😭❤️he wouldn’t be nearly as jaded or grumpy haha

but seeing how he’s raised on the surface, besides taking care of his mother i don’t see him finding anything satisfying to spend his time doing if it weren’t for Isabel and Farlan, and by extension the SC. i wonder if his powers would even awaken?????????? to Levi i think this course would be more miserable than you might think.

especially since Levi wouldn’t subscribe to the whole devotion to the king thing like Kenny did thanks to his bond with Uri. he’s too practical; he wouldn’t have a purpose. there would have to be some instigator that gets Levi inspired to use his strength to help others, + how can he do that if he doesn’t have that strength anyway? Levi’s life is defined by struggle and loss, and then overcoming it.

i’d like to think he found the Scouts again, but in that case, i doubt it. cue Eren transforming into a Titan like he planned to when Trost was attacked and probably dying (cuz yk, the Scouts showed up in time with Levi there to stop EMA from being made into mincemeat by cannons). or Eren actually made it and ran away. to Marley❓. Or saw the sea by himself😭. OR RBA GOING AFTER HIM?? i mean if Mikasa and Armin died, he’d probably take Reiner’s offer to go with them and the plot would go from there? but this all implies that Adult Founding Titan Eren doesn’t exist?? also no contact with Historia means he’d lose out on his memories of the future. if Eren did end up doing the Rumbling, i wonder how antagonistic he would come off as. but also you know what if Levi wasn’t around the SC is probably dissolved anyway bro💀

at any rate Levi wouldn’t have joined the Scouts.

ahem got distracted sorry. if Kuchel weren’t there, i definitely however see a circumstance where Levi runs away from Kenny. you can’t argue that kid Levi wasn’t a little rascal who would’ve gotten it into his head that learning survival on the surface is stupid so doing anything else is better. the MP are lazy and stupid, the wall cultists are creepy, and he misses his mom so eff it as little Levi would say.

he kind of hangs out in that poor part of Wall Sina from Lost Girls and becomes a petty thief again. gets bored of that :/ doesn’t meet Isabel and Farlan. doesn’t have an interest in the SC bc atp survival is more important than risking getting eaten so what is Levi to do😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭join the interior MP with Kenny?????

WRONG as a kid he meets Erwin after the funeral and the plot is the exact same except they’re childhood friends to lovers.

about his personality, it’s interesting to compare to Mikasa, again. so he had a nice childhood for the most part, then his mother dies and he leaves Kenny+Uri. and gets Loving support somehow (i’m defaulting to child Erwin or Hange i guess), then…

1 he’d show his kindness+care towards others much easier for sure. instead of being rude and going about it in a roundabout way. there’d be some range of vulnerability he’s comfortable with showing. like Mikasa.

2 just with the way Levi is… there’d be so much more room in his heart he’s willing to give to his friends…. and affection as best as he can show it…. he’d be more optimistic about things. not everything.

3 like Mikasa he’d still have an ego though. and he doesn’t get humbled when his friends die. maybe it’d be a situation where he’s hot shit and he knows it which means HE’LL kill all the titans, YOU’RE not allowed😡. his tsundere-ness is out in full force. very cocky yes.

4 still has Kenny’s sense of humor. some things just don’t change.

#i was going to compare him to gojo but i got scared #levi ackerman #levi ackerman headcanons #levi aot #snk levi #snk levi ackerman #levi ackerman aot #attack on titan levi #levi ackerman attack on titan #levi headcanons #levi snk #levi shingeki no kyojin #aot meta

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sleepingdeath-light · 1 year

Text

disabled friend hcs ; levi ackerman

requested by ; will-grammer (02/05/23)

fandom(s) ; attack on titan

fandom masterlist(s) ; here

character(s) ; levi ackerman

outline ; “May I ask for (platonic) headcanons for Levi Ackerman with male reader who is disabled? Specifically, with a bad leg and bad coordination, chronic pain and asthma. Reader is a civilian and he and Levi met in town? Maybe they both bought the same premium tea and began chatting. Something comforting, please. What kind of friend Levi would be like? Thank you.”

warning(s) ; canon-typical references to violence, brief references to ableism, but other than that it’s really fluffy

it’s rare that levi finds someone that shares his appreciation for tea — or, at least, someone who isn’t a rich snob — so stumbling across you at a random market was a welcome surprise

even if that surprise nearly had him knocking you flat on your backside when you both reached for the same bag of tea and you startled the living daylights out of him

but regardless, apologies were made, names were exchanged and pleasant small talk (about tea) was had and all was well as he returned to base

and then he bumps into you again when he’s fetching some odd supplies from that same market and he just about manages to stop you from falling over when you go to pick up a different brand of tea

he’s concerned, though he doesn’t show it, and you apologise and make a joke about coordination and point to your bad leg — which he raises an eyebrow at and nods in acknowledgement

and the the subject goes back to tea and you start talking about how it’s quite rare to see this sort around locally — and he realises he’s never tried it

to which you offer to share some and he insists on going halves on the payment

which was the beginning of a peculiar friendship

you’d meet up every week to catch up over a cup of tea (well, many cups of tea) either at your home or at a cafe where you could try new blends of tea

you’re the only person he voices his frustrations to and you get all of the scout gossip — he’ll also tell you about the world beyond the walls if you ask

you keep him in the loop with regards to your life and other general civilian stuff — which includes random tangents about health and such

levi becomes incredibly protective of you because he can’t bear to lose anyone else — and especially with your disabilities he frets about your health turning or you being harmed by other civilians

he’s already witnessed how inconsiderate and cruel people can be to you (having to step in multiple times to intimidate them into backing down and leaving you be)

and he’s aware of how testy and difficult it is to get access to proper healthcare, which is a particular concern of his because of your asthma

now he never voices these concerns but you do notice that people start leaving you be and you’re able to get appointments to discuss your health with doctors — which, due to the timing, you can pretty easily chalk up to your new friend getting involved

he also ensures that you have proper mobility aids by asking around retired/discharged scouts and officers and figuring out who he should call after to get a hold of something like that

when you have flare-ups, levi will happily come and perform errands for you (unless he’s out on a scouting mission) — whether that’s fetching medication or food or drink, finishing your chores, tending to any pets you have or just keeping you company

on a related note your house will end up spotless after he visits because he’s so particular about cleaning that he’ll usually end up doing it for you

his reflexes are extremely good so he’s usually able to help compensate for your bad coordination and will catch whatever it is you’ve accidentally knocked over — or you, if that happens to be the case

you’re the only person still alive to have seen him at his most vulnerable — when he cried and trembled whilst talking about those he’d lost to titans and to circumstance

about his mother and his friends from the underground, about his squad and petra and mike and everyone else

about all of the gore and viscera he’d seen, all of the good men and women he’d lost — kids, he called them

but the next day he acts like nothing happened and you follow suit, never bringing it up again

he jokingly calls you brat — but the slight twitch of his mouth gives away his light intent

erwin is the only one who knows where he goes every week, but as long as levi completes his assignments and paperwork he has no reason to complain

even if, on occasion, some of that paperwork has been completed at your home with a steaming cup of tea and a conversation about some neighbour of yours going on in the background

#sleepingdeath #male reader #platonic x reader #disabled reader #attack on titan x reader #attack on titan x male reader #aot x male reader #aot x reader #aot fluff #attack on titan fluff #snk x male reader #snk x reader #snk fluff #fluff hcs #fluff

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teakookssi · 10 months

Text

Before I Leave You [Eren/Levi x Reader FF]

[ curated playlist ][ full story can be found here or here ]

[Overview & prologue]

➺ pairing: levi ackerman/eren jeager x fem!reader

➺content: mafia au, crime, arranged marriage, enemies to lovers, angst, lol so much angst

➺warnings: SHIT. IS. DARK. YO. violence, blood, strong language, guns/weapons, and illegal activities are all mentioned but hey, that’s attack on titan for you, so if you can handle that, you can handle this (:

chapter 7: courting madness

It began like it always did.

With the morning sun overhead, a blue, cloudless sky overlooking the countryside, and the fresh scent of spring in the air.

You’re out picking bellflowers from your family garden’s estate while Levi reads a book against a tree nearby. Both of you eight years old and with eyes warm and bright and brimming with untainted innocence.

Levi wears a dark grey suit with a matching vest underneath and a white button up shirt. He’s taken off his jacket and newsboy cap and placed it beside him to enjoy the gentle breeze under the tree’s shade. You, on the other hand, wish to bask under the sun’s morning rays so you wear an ivory laced dress and off-white sun hat with a white ribbon tied up in a bow at the back.

Nearby, armed men patrol the outskirts of your home as they make their usual rounds securing the area, yet their presence does not trouble you. You are used to your father’s men always being close by, along with your own specially assigned guards who follow you around everywhere you go — many of whom you’ve grown up seeing all your life and have become overly fond of. One of which is now stationed and on the lookout not too far away from where you and Levi are located — Onyankopon, a tall, dark-skinned man with a short crew cut, broad shoulders, and infectious smile.

Nevertheless, Levi will still glance up from his reading every once in a while to make sure you remain close enough for him to keep an eye on you.

It’s become second nature to him now — to be on the lookout for you. It can’t be helped.

You know this because you feel it too. Not seeing him, not knowing where he is, makes you anxious. Restless. It isn’t until you are together in each other’s company again can you truly feel at ease.

This close bond and affection you and Levi formed with each other could not have been due to the frequent visits that came from your father’s business relationship with Mr. Ackerman or your mother’s friendship with Mrs. Ackerman. It is your greatest belief that even if you and Levi had never grown up as childhood friends, you would have found your way to each other sooner or later. And the more time you both spent together, the more assured of it you became.

You and Levi were drawn to each other like magnets, tied together by an invisible red string of fate. A string that no matter how far you strayed from each other, would always bring you back together again.

Everyone could see it. If he pulled slightly from his end, you came running; if you tugged from your end, he came answering. It was the natural order of things. Like the moon calling the ocean waves, nothing could keep the two of you apart.

Behind you, in the center of the garden not too far from where you are, is a white bench facing a pond and overseeing the garden. There sits your mother, Rose Ymir, and Kuchel Ackerman, Levi’s mother, chatting over tea while their own guards remain positioned nearby. Rose and Kuschel wear wide brim bowler hats that compliment their floral dresses, both strikingly beautiful against your evergreen garden and radiating an elegance that you can only strive to one day emulate.

You have collected just enough bellflowers to make up a small bouquet to gift Mrs. Ackerman, and you are just about to commence with your mother’s own bouquet, when you hear the first series of gunshots go off behind you. You had heard them enough times growing up to know what they sounded like, but never had you heard them so close before and so loud.

You freeze at attention, looking up from the bed of flowers at your feet, confused, as men wearing police badges and bulletproof vests appear from out of your home and come raiding into your backyard, firing their guns at all of your father’s men without mercy.

The shooting and yelling is deafening as your father’s men attempt to stop them from advancing, but there’s too many of them. Horrified and overwhelmed, you drop your flowers and cover your ears with your hands to block out the noise before instinctively shutting your eyes and falling to your knees. You have no understanding of the events currently unfolding before you or why they’re happening. All you want is for the screaming and shooting to be over.

But then you hear the sheer panic and undiluted fear in your mother’s voice break out amongst the rest as she calls your name. You open your eyes in time to see her running towards you. Her eyes, wild and desperate. In her need to keep you safe she’s left behind her bodyguards, who are busy trying to hold off the men in police uniforms, and Mrs. Ackerman, who is lying still on the ground near the pond. You want to run into your mother’s safe arms but you can’t seem to make yourself move. She stretches out a hand towards you as she takes the last few steps towards you. But no matter how fast she runs, no matter how much love and fierce desire she has in her heart to protect you, she cannot outrun the stray bullets that fly in the air and hit her square in the back.

For that brief moment everything slows down, grows muffled, as you stare at the sight before you, frozen, wide-eyed. Unable to comprehend what’s just happened. Because you can’t wrap your head around the unmoving body belonging to your mother that has fallen to the ground mere inches away from you. At the way the light in her eyes slowly wanes, and her loving, gentle gaze grows still and empty while her hand remains stretched out towards you in waiting despite the pool of blood that has begun to form at your feet.

A gust of wind sends your hat flying away as you numbly take a step towards her, too focused on the state of your mother before you to notice the tall man with round rimmed glasses and straight dark hair parted down the middle walking towards you with a dark look in his deep green eyes. The man whose bullets struck your mother and killed her instantly.

But before the man can lay a hand on you, Levi appears at your side and grabs your arm, forcing you to step back. You lose your balance from Levi’s sudden grasp and you land on the ground behind him while he simultaneously slashes the man’s outstretched hand with a knife that he must have taken from a fallen guard on his way over to you.

“Don’t touch her with your filthy hands!” Levi threatens in utter disgust as your attacker yells out in pain. But the wound does little to stop him, and eight-year-old Levi is no match against a fully armed and trained grown man.

With the back of his gun, he hits Levi on the side of the head, sending your fearless friend falling to the ground beside you. The man then turns his focus to you, eyes murderous, but Onyakopon surprises him from behind and quickly outmaneuvers him, knocking him to the ground and easily disarming him.

Onyakopon points his gun at him, ready to pull the trigger if he so much as breathed wrong, but he turns to you and Levi first. He is aware that your safety has been compromised and the odds of making it out alive if you and Levi were to stay anywhere near your home for much longer were dwindling by the minute.

“Go! Run!” he orders you both. “Into the woods! I’ll find you!”

You flinch, startled, as Levi suddenly snatches your hand to pull you to your feet and drag you away without a second to waste. The boy stumbles for a second, blood streaming down the side of his forehead from the blow to his head, but he leads the way without sparing a single glimpse back over his shoulder. To where his mother and your mother lie somewhere in the garden behind you, soaking in their own blood.

Cutting through the remainder of your family’s garden, Levi takes you deeper into the woods surrounding your home, further and further away from the two people you loved most in the world.

But you let him pull you along without protest or resistance. As young as you are, somewhere deep down you know, as does he, that there’s no use staying by their side. They’re already gone, leaving you no words of comfort or a last goodbye, save for their blood splattered all across your garden like freshly spilled wine.

When your eyes start to open, right within that fleeting moment it takes for your brain to awaken into full consciousness, you like to let yourself imagine all those dark memories from that day are nothing but dreams. A fading nightmare. That amidst the darkness of your room, you can almost believe you’re in your old room back in the countryside, and your beloved mother will come in to wake you up through your bedroom door and tell you to come join her downstairs for breakfast.

You think, perhaps, if you hold onto that illusion for just a little bit longer, everything will as be as it once was. As it should have been.

But the details of your memories from that day are too real, too sharp, to mistake them for anything else and your childish desires die and fade as quickly as they come. In their wake, they leave you shivering and drenched in sweat.

You let out a murderous groan when you notice it’s only quarter past midnight and you’ve hardly gotten an ounce of sleep.

Feeling feverish and mildly lightheaded, you drag yourself to your bathroom sink and turn on the faucet, splashing water on your face and neck to help cool you down.

Usually these memories don’t come to you or hit you as hard as tonight unless you need them to serve as a reminder for when you begin to lose sight of your objective. When your self-loathing is at its worst, and you find yourself conflicted because that flickering sense of morality you’ve been trying to stifle down for years refuses to go out.

I don’t think you’re as evil as people think you are.

Your grip on the countertop tightens. Water drips down your hands and forearms, forming small puddles on the floor as you lean over the sink, deliberating whether to kill Eren Yeager before or after you explain to your father he will be in need of a new representative because you’re about to kill the one you’d originally chosen to represent him and his company.

But a memory of Eren’s kind gaze and warm smile flashes across your mind and your resolve weakens.

This is his fault.

Eren has gone and rattled your demons from their cages with all his talk of hope and redemption. Now they’re wide awake and stirring up war in your mind like warlords.

With the water still running, you cup some water in your hands and drink, needing to wash down the aftertaste of his sweet words and false hopes that still linger within you. But as you raise your head and wipe your mouth with the back of your hand, you catch a glimpse of your reflection in the mirror…

You are not alone.

Against the darkness of the room, a dead girl stares back at you.

She stands by the bathroom door a few feet behind you to your left. A girl no more than eight-years-old, with blank, lovely eyes and looking just like she did the day you buried her.

She wears the same ivory laced dress from that cursed day, the hem of it torn and soiled with dirt while the sleeves and chest are stained with what you hate acknowledging as drops of innocent blood.

Blood that once ran through your mother’s veins.

You glare at her presence. This was the problem with nurturing a crooked heart for as long as you have. No matter how deep you bury them, your demons have a way of crawling back out, haunting you. And this girl you buried with your mother all those years ago, a soft girl who did not serve you, is your wretched souls attempt to make you repent for your sins.

But tonight you walk right past her, too tired to entertain your mind’s ploy at torment. Everything you’ve done and everything you have yet to do, you’ve done to survive. You refuse to let her make you regret it.

You curl back to bed, eyes heavy with much needed sleep and rest, but no matter which way you turn, you remain restless and awake as your ghost lingers in the corner of the room, refusing to fade.

For the past few weeks now you’d sensed her trying to dig her way out of the ditch you threw her in. The hole you kept shoveling dirt over, trying to keep her buried. But Eren has thrown her a rope you can’t seem to sever, allowing her to crawl back out of her grave and unearth things you wanted to stay buried.

You shouldn’t try so hard, to be cruel.

His words makes your eyes snap open. You rise from your bed and stride in the direction of Levi’s room.

To be left alone with only your thoughts and demons for company is dangerous. In a moment of weakness you’ll cave in and let them peer into your heart. They’ll pick out the most childish desires there and use it against you.

At least with Levi, his demons play well with your own. With him, your motives run clear. All that grief and torment he carries behind his eyes, transparent only to you, is the only validation you need to render your guilty conscious silent. After all, what shame is there in wanting to rid the world of those who have hurt the people you love?

But when you reach his room, whatever bit of strength you had left in your system begins to wither. Levi’s room is cold, dark, and empty. He clearly hasn’t slept here in days.

Behind you, the dead girl has tracked blood on the floor after having followed you inside Levi’s room. Her presence has only persisted now that it knows you’re alone and without any source of solace.

“Fuck off already,” you growl over your shoulder, scowling at her.

But, of course, when have your demons ever listened to you?

A crash suddenly comes from within Levi’s large rosewood armoire across the room and you whip your head in its direction, startled by the sound. But as you begin to approach, the scratching and mewling you hear from inside eases the tension in your muscles. Turning the latch keeping the double doors shut, you find your stray cat rolling around on the bottom of the shelf playing with the toy mouse Sasha had made for him out of some spare wool.

You scoff, mildly amused by his mischievous whereabouts, yet slightly annoyed by your own unsteady nerves.

“So this is why I can never seem to find you anymore,” you surmise, scooping up the black furball in your arms and away from Levi’s armoire, which he uses as his own personal arsenal. It meows in response, unaware of the dangerous weapons it had been surrounded by, and you take him with you to go lay on Levi’s bed.

You watch as his eyes glimmer in the dark while he wanders curiously around you, inspecting his new terrain.

“You weren’t waiting on him to get you out, were you?” you find yourself saying, dangling his toy mouse by the tail in front of him to get its attention.

He quickly follows after it, its front paws stretched out and claws unsheathed. When he manages to snatch it, you lay on your back while the kitten chews at his toy mouse beside you.

“Don’t count on him to save you,” you warn the cat bitterly, your vision blurring with unwanted tears. “He is never here.”

Seeking warmth, you bring the kitten close to your chest, and whether he senses you’re in need of comfort or not, he doesn’t resist your hold. He molds perfectly in your arms and snuggles up against you, purring softly until it falls fast asleep. All the while you lie wide awake, sensing that girl’s dark presence in the back of the room behind you until the guilt and loneliness becomes too much for you. There’s nothing left for you to do then, except cry.

Before you know it, the first signs of dawn have broken out through the window in Levi’s room and the four-legged creature in your arms has stirred awake. His ears twitch and he jumps out of your arms without warning to disappear into the hallway.

You slowly rise and sit on the edge of the bed, feeling more worn out and defeated than when you first walked in. You hunch over, head in your hands and eyes heavy and swollen from all your endless tears.

You wonder how many more nights like this you can endure. How many more nights you have to drive away the dark thoughts eating away at your soul, leaving you to wonder when it will all just end...

“Anya?” Levi’s rough voice comes from the doorway.

You freeze.

Even though you’re in his room, you had already surrendered to the idea that he wasn’t going to show up. You’d removed the mask that kept the world from perceiving you as the tired, weak, insecure girl you hid underneath and allowed your true emotions to show, if only because they had started to leak through the cracks of your unstable mind. But now they’ve left you open and vulnerable and you’re left trying to regain your composure without Levi noticing.

Unfortunately, he knows you too well and quickly senses something’s amiss. “What’s wrong?” he asks, stepping into the room to flip on the light switch.

Your cat follows him inside like a shadow and rubs himself against Levi’s legs affectionately in welcome.

You glare at it.

Traitor.

Keeping your gaze leveled to the ground, you watch Levi’s dark shoes move silently across the floor as he begins to approach you, but you stand up before he can come any closer, before he can get a clear view of your face.

“Close your door after you leave the room,” you try to say tersely, but your voice comes out raw and jagged and you curse yourself for being unable to keep your emotions in check. You jut your chin to the cat by his feet. “He got trapped in your dresser, and if I wasn’t nearby to get him out, I wouldn’t have found him again until he was full of holes from all your stupid weapons.”

You intend to walk out the door but he places an arm in front of you, blocking your way out.

“Fine,” he says, taking a step closer to you, expression tight after having sensed your volatile energy was far more intense than usual. “Now tell me what you’re really angry about.”

But you’ve been careful to avoid looking at him. You shake your head, jaw clenched. “Forget it.”

You push him aside and walk into the hallway, back in the direction of your room.

If he saw how broken and powerless you really were, how there might actually be a possibility that this life was becoming too much for you, he would not hesitate to tell your father. And knowing Levi, he would find a way to prevent you from taking part in any more of the family business. He would keep you as far away from Erwin as possible because that’s what he ultimately believed was best for you. As if with Erwin out of sight, your tattered soul would somehow heal from all the hate and trauma that law-abiding man had caused you.

But you were beyond saving now; your mind was rotting away, and your dark-infested heart, dying.

“Anya,” Levi calls sharply behind you. “Oi!”

When you don’t listen he comes after you and takes hold of your arm, forcing you to stop. “Talk to me.”

“For what?” you snap back, roughly breaking out of his hold to finally face him, too angry and heartbroken to bother hiding your debilitating appearance any longer. “You’re never here!”

He flinches at the sight of your swollen, red-rimmed eyes and tear stained cheeks. You watch him swallow as his expression grows pained, utterly guilt-stricken. He reaches to caress your face, wanting to ease your suffering. “I’m here now.”

But you slap his hand away and shove him aside. “It’s too late.”

He tries to follow. “Wait, Anya—”

“Go away.”

When he sees you reaching your room and going for the door, his steps quicken.

“Don’t—”

But you’re done waiting for him. You slam the door in his face and bolt it shut.

“Anya!” he shouts from the other side, rattling the doorknob first before pounding on the door when he finds it locked. “Anya, open the door!”

But you can’t. Not when she’s still here, haunting you.

Your ghost has followed you inside and refuses to leave you alone. She watches you from across the room with eyes full of bitterness and you no longer have the power to fight off the shame you feel under her sharp judgmental gaze.

Fingers raking through your hair, you slide down the door as frustration and despair overtake you.

For the second time that morning, you become undone.

When you finally come down for breakfast an hour or so later, you’ve managed to gain back some form of self-control. The familiar mask you wear like armor is securely fastened over your features.

Except, it’s all different now.

It feels hallow and fragile. Like glass. As if with a simple careless touch, it will shatter into a million pieces.

So you take extra care in making sure all signs of your breakdown have diminished before stepping out of your room. You must save face. Make do everything is normal. Behave and go about as you usually do.

If anyone were to catch you coming down the stairs now, they’d find you with your hands in the pocket of your trousers, sporting that familiar confident gait in your walk and carrying that calm, collected posture only someone belonging to a powerhouse clan like that of Ymir, can comfortably wield with ease.

No one would suspect that your cheeks had once been marked with tears or that your once swollen eyes might have been bloodshot red only hours ago. All traces of you having ever lost control are nonexistent. If there is anything to be concerned over is the faint dark circles under your eyes and irritated red-rimmed eyes that have refused to fade, but they’re very subtle now. Only someone carefully studying your face from close proximity would be able to detect such detail. And you have no intention of allowing anyone to stand that close to you for as long as you can help it.

Besides, it’s still early. A quarter before seven. You don’t expect many of your cadre to be up, least of all Levi, who should be long gone by now. The man treats your home like some common lodging that he every so often frequents, checking in only for a shower and a quick change of clothes before he’s off again to do more of your father’s bidding.

His absence always bothered you before even though you never voiced it. He was your bloody fiancée, so how was it that your father got to see more of him every day than you? His betrothed and soon-to-be wife? And yet you had slowly come to settle for the brief hello-goodbye kisses he would present to you whenever you did catch him on his way in or out of the house. Even the freshly brewed lavender or earl grey tea he’d leave at your bedside table in the mornings for you to drink when you woke up seemed to suffice, knowing that this was his way of informing you he’d arrived home safely the night before but had not wished to disrupt your sleep, so he’d leave you a warm cup of tea to greet you instead when you’d awaken.

Only now that you’re angry at him do you clearly see how pathetic it was of you to submit to such weak displays of…what? Dare you call it endearment?

You’re so deep in your thoughts that you don’t hear the murmuring coming from the parlor until you’ve reached the bottom of the stairs. The disembodied voices are lost in their conversation. They don’t hear your footsteps approach until you’re standing in the doorway to the parlor.

You had recognized the voices of Mikasa and Jean once you were close enough to distinguish them, and you thought their hushed tones were in response to a tense situation that had arisen and they were figuring out the best way to inform you.

Preparing yourself to hear something upsetting, you set forth your best calm demeanor to face them, to assure them that whatever it was, was nothing to be concerned about. That you would handle it as you always handled your enemies — callously and without mercy.

So to see Levi sitting on a leather chair opposite Mikasa and Jean in the middle of the room exchanging intel behind your back was not only unexpected, but it felt like a dagger had been pierced straight through your heart.

You knew they were talking about you.

Mikasa had been in the middle of saying something to Levi, but when she either sensed your presence behind her or noticed Levi’s gaze flicker to the door where you stood, the room grew silent. All eyes on you.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Have I interrupted something?” you ask coldly, the venom in your voice directed at Mikasa and Jean as they in turn avert your accusatory gaze.

Still, you do well in keeping your expression calm even though your blood is boiling. How quick Levi was to start questioning them about you. Two of your closest mates. The ones who should know you best, aside from him.

But despite what Levi might have thought, it was perhaps around them most of all that you kept the existence of your inner demons under lock and key. They might catch a glimpse of the monsters lurking in your mind during one of your blood rages, but never did you let them run astray in their presence.

And yet, it is Levi and Mikasa whom you regard more closely as your paranoia starts to creep in, making you start to wonder what it is the Ackerman clan valued most when it came to you. Blood or loyalty?

Mikasa sees the way you’re looking between her and Levi and she fears the kind of conclusions you’re drawing up. She stands. “Anya — ”

“As you were,” you cut off, waving a dismissive hand in her direction as you walk into the room to head towards your mini bar. “I’m just here to grab a quick drink and I’ll be on my way.”

Your bottles of liquor are just on the other side of the room, so you ignore the way Levi sits poised in the center of the room with a cup of tea in one hand and scratching your bloody cat in between the ears with the other as you pass.

Never had you seen your cat look so content as it did curled up and purring in your fiancee’s lap. As if Levi was the one who’d plucked him out from the streets, not you.

Backstabbing furball.

When you reach the bar you rummage through your freshly stocked bottles of liquor in search of a numbing antidote for the pounding headache your lack of sleep is causing you.

You snatch a bottle of scotch by its neck and get ready to leave, but Levi has come to stand beside you and grabs the other end of your bottle in his hand before you can take another step. You try to yank it away but his hold remains firm, keeping you in place.

You glower at him. “Give it to me.”

Levi does no such thing and hands you his cup of tea instead. “Drink this.” He then lowers his voice and adds, “It helps with the insomnia.”

But your expression remains cold and hard, like the surface of a frozen lake. You don’t want to interact with him for more than is necessary so you relinquish the bottle to him without another word and turn to leave. The cup of tea he’s offered, you leave untouched behind you.

If you can’t get a proper drink around here, the Red Rose will do just fine.

Mikasa trails after you like a wounded puppy trying to make amends. “Anya, wait—”

She turns the corner just as you open the front door, and to her surprise no doubt, finds you still standing at the doorway.

Not by choice, of course. The only reason she’s caught up to you is because Levi’s two mates, Isabel and Furlan, stand guard outside your front porch, blocking your exit.

You scoff in utter disdain, placing a hand on your hip impatiently and scratching your brow with barely restrained annoyance.

“I’m only going to say this once,” you say to them tightly. “So please, unless you want to end up bleeding out on my front door, I suggest you step aside.”

“There’s no need for threat’s, love,” Levi’s calm voice says behind you. “They’re just doing as I’ve asked.”

“Then tell them to move,” you hiss, keeping your eyes fixed on Levi’s two mates, “before I do it myself.”

You unsheathe your blades in warning just as Levi moves to stand in front of you before you can take another step closer to his guards, his expression resolute.

“Enough with the theatrics, Anya. It’s unbecoming.” He reaches for your hand. “Come with me. We need to talk.”

You break from his hold with more force than necessary. “You and I have nothing to talk about.”

He clenches his jaw as you sidestep him, and you almost think he’ll try and stop you again, but it’s Mikasa who steps in your path.

Her stormy eyes are beseeching. “Anya, you’re unwell. Let us take you back to your room—”

You bark out a laugh as you twirl the blades in your hands skillfully at your sides. “You think me unwell?” You cock your head at her curiously and take a menacing step towards her. “Perhaps it’s your knife in my back that’s making me unwell.”

Mikasa flinches, taken aback by the harshness in your words.

You smirk at her reaction and gesture to her cousin standing over your shoulder with a tilt of the head. “What exactly have you been telling him about me, I wonder?”

“I — we didn’t —” she says uneasily, flashing her eyes over to Jean. “That was nothing. We would never —”

“No?” You take a closer step towards her. “Than am I truly to believe your loyalty lies with me and not him, your Ackerman clan?”

She shakes her head in aghast, her mouth opening but refusing to form any coherent words as she looks from you to Levi, completely taken aback.

Mikasa has always held you in high regard ever since you first saved her that one night from her attackers down by the pub. It’s why you had never questioned her loyalty to you before; she has never given you reason to doubt it in all her years with you.

But you don’t care about any of that now.

You’re angry. Paranoid. Hurt. You were lashing out at anyone within range and Mikasa was the first to get caught in the crossfire.

She looks to you, mortified in place. Unable to defend herself. Much like the same way you found her in that night almost seven years ago.

But this time it’s Jean who steps in to defend her, angered by the way you’re treating her.

“Anya, stop it. You’re not thinking clearly. You need to rest.”

He’s gotten in between the both of you, forcing you to step back. But you resist against him, your eyes still pinned on Mikasa over his shoulder as her eyes line with tears.

“What did you tell him, Mikasa?” you go on reproachfully. “What lies have you—”

Levi walks into your line of vision then, blocking your view from her and Jean, and forcing your attention on him. “That’s enough, Anya. Look at me.”

But you shove him away as he reaches for your arm. “Don’t touch me!”

Your words send a wave of hurt across his features which he swallows down like acid before anyone else can notice just how much they’ve effected him.

You refuse to soften up to him though. You stare each other down, eyes communicating with each other what you verbally cannot. Willing the other to give in first.

If you don’t come with me now, I’ll reveal the real reason why you’re acting this way, his piercing eyes say to you.

Not in front of them, you glare back in warning. Don’t you dare.

No one can know of the state you were in when he found you this morning. And despite the way you treated him upstairs, you didn’t want to believe Levi had actually told Mikasa or Jean about it. He wouldn’t do that to you. He couldn’t. It would reflect poorly on you as the highly respectable and feared Mistress of Death you were so well known for. Your inner circle needed to believe this most of all. They needed to trust the idea that you were untouchable and in control. That only you were capable of moving them forward, and that every risk you took with them was calculated and necessary.

For them to think of you otherwise was to put them at a disadvantage. They fed off your strength and confidence. Without it, their own godlike boldness dwindled. And you could now allow doubt or fear to creep into their minds when you had enough of that on your own for you to spare them from it.

In the end it is Levi who speaks first, having weighed all his options, and you narrow your eyes at him, trying to anticipate what he’ll say next.

“Leave us,” he orders to the people around you, not breaking eye contact from you.

But not a single one of them moves. They all look to each other hesitantly, thinking it unwise to leave either of you two alone together. That’s when Levi finally looks away from you to snap at them over his shoulder.

“Now.”

Isabel and Furlan reluctantly return back to their post outside your front door to guard the door as Mikasa and Jean retreat further inside.

You move to sidestep him, following after Isabel and Furlan to head out for your much needed drink, but Levi steps in your path.

“No. You stay here.”

Furlan closes the door behind him, eliminating all possibilities of you leaving through the front door, and you glare at Levi petulantly.

You can tell his mind is made up. He has no intention of letting you out anytime soon. Not until you speak with him, anyways. But he’s got another thing coming if he thinks you’re going to stand there and tell him about all the things wrong with you just because he’s here now and suddenly willing to listen.

You roll your eyes at him before turning on your heels to head back in the direction of your room up the stairs, not wanting to deal with him anymore, but his footsteps sound close behind.

“Anya!” he calls after you. “Enough of this, please. You’re acting like a brat.”

“Am I?” you ask dryly. “Then by all means, if you can’t handle me, go on and fetch my father so he can give me a good scolding.” You throw him a dark look over your shoulder. “You’re good at that, right?”

He scowls at you. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know exactly what it means.”

His tone drops a few degrees. “No, actually. I don’t. Please enlighten me because I sure as hell hope you’re not referring to your little outing with the journalist —”

Before Levi can say any more, you hear Furlan calling for your fiancee urgently down below.

You pause mid-step and turn to raise a pointed eyebrow at Levi, a smug look on your face. “Well that didn’t take long.”

He narrows his eyes at you as you cross your arms over your chest at him challengingly. He knows you’re testing him, waiting to see how he’ll respond to Furlan. If he’ll chose you or your father.

Begrudgingly, Levi drags his eyes away from you to face his blond haired guard who has stopped a few steps short from Levi up the staircase.

Feeling your eyes on him, Furlan flashes his light blue eyes to you apologetically before addressing Levi. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but Ymir has sent word. He requires your presence, Levi.”

There’s a brief pause as Levi waits for him to elaborate, but Furlan says nothing more.

“Is that all?” Levi demands impatiently.

Furlan hesitates. “Well, yes, but—”

Levi turns away to mark the end of the conversation as his eyes settle back on you. He proceeds to cut the space between you and him, wanting to take advantage of you having paused in the middle of the stairs so he can catch up to you, but Furlan takes a nervous step after him.

“Levi, I’m sorry but I must insist. He’s said it’s urgent.”

Levi pauses at this, three steps away from reaching you. He lets out a sharp sigh, frustrated. He must know what your father needs from him. The importance of it. And for a moment, you see the little muscles of his jaw twitch, torn.

You’re not making this fairly easy for him — not that you ever do — but then you see the tension in his shoulders sag with defeat and you know what he’s decided.

You’re not surprised he’s chosen your father over you, yet again, but it still hurts.

“You know I have to go,” he says to you quietly, staring at a spot on the floor by your feet. Brows furrowed.

You don’t miss a beat. “So leave.”

His eyes harden, locking eyes with you. “If I leave now, you’ll hate me.”

You shrug, turning to leave. “I don’t care. Do whatever you want.”

“Anya, “ Levi says your name in admonishment, moving to follow after you.

Furlan calls to him the second he does, thinking he’s disregarded your father’s message. “Levi— ”

“Yes, alright!” Levi cuts him off, exasperated.

But your fiancee continues to rush up the last few set of stairs. He takes your wrist and forces you to halt, turning you to him. His stormy grey eyes pin you in place.

“Just tell me what happened this morning,” he urges softly, searching your eyes for answers. “Why were you so upset?”

You slide your eyes over his shoulder to Furlan who’s waiting anxiously behind him, and to Isabel, who has now joined Furlan at the stairs, most likely wondering what the big hold up is.

She looks more annoyed then apologetic at having to interfere between you and Levi’s conversation. “Levi, I’m afraid this is urgent,” she begins to say. “Ymir doesn’t—”

Levi whips around to face her and Furlan, having heard enough of their incessant yapping. “For fuck’s sake, already! I said I’m going! Just give me a damn minute.”

When he turns back to you one last time, his hand still on your wrist, waiting for you to answer him, you find some of the heat of his anger is still in his eyes. “Can you at least say something?”

But you only smile at him, immune to his frustration. “Go on,” you cajole sweetly. “My father is calling. He’s in need of his lapdog.”

You pull your wrist free from his hand with little to no resistance from him.

You expect nothing less.

He’s made his decision clear. He has no right to demand anything from you when he has no intention of staying to see it through. And yet he still looks like he’s struggling with himself. Like he might just forsake everything and everyone and take you far away from here and never look back.

A treacherous thought you don’t think he’ll ever act upon, but the thought is always there. Lingering in the back of his mind like it is on yours, and perhaps everyone around you that’s gotten caught up with this life.

That’s when you feel your mask slipping.

Without sparing Levi a second glance, you take your leave and lock yourself in your room before the idea of running away turns any more tempting for you or him.

You barely make it to your bed before you collapse on top of it. Your fingers slide against your bedsheets and crumple in your fists as you try to channel the pain and despair out of your system. But the aching in your heart is all-consuming, making it hard for you to breathe, to think.

You clutch your chest tightly against yourself, trying to hold yourself together, but you feel like a worn out rag doll and you’re being ripped at the seams.

Meanwhile, the girl you’ve tried to keep buried six feet underground watches you silently from the shadows of the room, always present, always looming in the heart of your darkness.

When you stir awake a few hours later, you’re disoriented and admittedly surprised that you’ve actually managed to fall asleep. What rest you lacked from the night before, and all the previous nights thereafter, must have finally caught up to you to permit you a few hours of dreamless sleep.

Ignoring the ghost still lingering in the corner of your room, you make your way out of your room and down the set of stairs to the kitchen, not bothering to look back to see whether she is following you or not. You know she is.

The clock on the wall you pass down the main hallway marks six o’clock. Most of your cadre will be gathered around the dinner table by now, if not all.

Sure enough, as you approach the dining room, you can hear the loud commotion of a full room escaping into the hallway.

You take a quick look around the room as you stride right in. Jean, Mikasa, Historia, Sasha, and Connie surround the food on the table in their usual seats. The smell of grilled steak and roasted vegetables moves your appetite, reminding you that you’ve had nothing to eat since the night before. But then you notice Levi, Isabel, and Furlan are also seated at the opposite end of the table, talking amongst themselves while they feast on their meal peacefully.

Historia is the first to notice you and she greets you with a bright, sunny smile. “Anya, you’re awake.” She stands to reach for a clean plate from the center of the table. “You must be famished. Sit. I’ll serve you something to eat.”

Everyone turns to you as Historia makes your presence known, but your gaze is fixed on Levi sitting across the room.

“That wont be necessary,” you tell Historia, not breaking eye contact with Levi. “I’ve lost my appetite.”

Levi turns away, poking at the inside of his cheek with his tongue as he tries to appear unfazed by the direct insult you’ve thrown at him. You take a seat at the head of the table on the opposite side from where Levi and his two mates sit. Mikasa is already seated at your right. Jean on your left.

You lean back in your chair and light a cigarette, blowing out the smoke in front of you mindlessly. You can sense Levi’s deadpan gaze on you from across the room, but you pointedly choose to ignore him — along with everyone else in the room.

You sit there impassively, cigarette in hand, talking to no one at all, staring blankly at the food on the table in front of you but not paying attention to the conversations going on around you. You do this quite frequently, when you’re in a mood and have no patience to talk to anyone, or when you’re thinking things over, weighing in on all the possible risks and outcomes that come with all your scheming.

By now your cadre know it is better to leave you alone when you’re like this than it is to try and engage with you. But the longer you go by without any food in front of you, Mikasa’s concerning nature for you proves unyielding. She leans over to you with a frown.

“You haven’t eaten a thing all day. You need to eat something.”

You raise a glass of wine in front of you, as if to tell her that’s all the food you need, knowing it will not please her in the least. But that’s the most you do to acknowledge her having spoken at all and she’s left dwelling in your animosity.

Not much long after that, you blow out your last smoke of cigarette and dump the remainder of it into your empty glass of wine. A quick look at your watch has you unwilling to wait any longer. You stand, grabbing everyone’s attention, yet your gaze cuts to two people in particular.

”Historia. Connie. Are you finished?”

They both freeze at attention, surprised to hear you call their names first. You catch them swiftly glimpsing over to Mikasa and Jean beside you, openly confused. You’ve never gone anywhere without at least one of them at your side so you’ve caught everyone off guard, but Historia and Connie nod to you in response nonetheless.

“Follow me.”

You provide no further instruction and start for the door, right at the same time Levi, Mikasa, and Jean stand in unison.

“Where are you going?” Levi demands behind you, tense.

You pause, your back to him.

You’re one step out the door’s threshold. You could continue walking. You don’t owe him any explanations, but you enjoy getting a rise out of him whenever you can, as with his cousin. They always take everything so seriously.

You throw him a cold smile over your shoulder before answering, “To the park. I have a friend to meet.”

“We’ll come with you,” says Jean as he and Mikasa make to join you.

You turn to them sharply. “No.”

They stop in their tracks with a frown, standing less than an arms length away from you.

Under your breath you hiss, “Keep Levi and his two shadow dogs here, entertained. Don’t let them out of your sight. I am not to be followed, understood?”

You take your leave before they can protest, before they can question your orders. They’re clearly upset. Hurt. They fear you do not trust them anymore. Albeit, with the way you’ve been acting towards them, their fears are reasonably justified.

But you have no time to deal with them now. You spot your nameless black cat by the foot of the stairs on your way to the door to retrieve your car keys. For once, the little furball is right where you need him and you scoop him up on your way out.

Historia and Connie stand waiting for you outside your front door and eye you oddly as they see you come out with the cat in your arms but wisely make no comment.

You toss the car keys for Connie to catch as you start down the walkway to where your car is parked in front. “Drive.”

Connie catches them easily with a frown. “To the park two blocks away?” he asks dubiously, following after you. But then he notices the small gleam in your eye as you walk past the two guards stationed at the main entrance by the sidewalk and he drops the conversation.

When you spotted the two male guards outside your door, you’d braced yourself, thinking Levi might have ordered them to keep you from leaving. But as you walked past them and they made no attempt to stop you, you smiled faintly with child-like glee.

These were your men on watch, not Levi’s, and they answered solely to you and House Ymir.

At your approach, they’d nodded respectfully to you in acknowledgement, and one even went on ahead of you to open the back door to your car when he saw you were heading towards it.

Their loyalty and honorable chivalry had lifted your spirits so you rewarded each of them with a small roll of bills from your pocket. They bowed to you in thanks before returning to their post with suppressed smiles.

Once you, Historia, and Connie make it inside the car, Connie jabs the keys in the ignition and brings the motor to life.

“So where are we really going?” Connie asks over the roaring of the engine.

“My young friend frequents a park near his hometown,” you inform him and Historia as you watch your cat explore the car’s interior before finally settling into your lap. “In the Karanes District.”

Half an hour later, you arrive at the Northlake Garden Park in Karanes — the closest park to the neighborhood of your new soon-to-be friend.

A few months ago you had learned of the boy’s existence and had told Sasha you had wanted to keep a close eye on him. A young boy of eight who had inherited his father’s blond hair and blue eyes, and was therefore watched over closely by his father’s policemen so people like you could never find him or be used against him.

Except, you had. And now that you knew of him, had become too much of a key player in your game for you not to put into play.

So after having him observed from afar for a few weeks, getting to know of his daily whereabouts and growing familiar with his routine, Sasha had received word from her little spies that there was a time and place that could grant you time alone with him. His nanny, a benign looking woman with slowly greying hair and soft features, often took him for afternoon strolls around the lake at the park after dinner.

Though the park itself is twenty acres all around, you needn’t venture far. The kid likes to take a particular path that leads to a bridge that looks out over the lake, which is where you hope to cross paths with him before he leaves.

You head there now with Historia and Connie in tow, while your kitten — who’d fallen asleep during the car ride but is now wide awake — takes in its fresh surroundings as you carry it in your arms.

The sun has yet to set despite it being past seven in the evening, but the cool September breeze is making its way across the city, and you appreciate the dark knee length coat that is keeping you warm.

Arriving at the bridge, you sit a safe distance away from the lake on one of the many large sized rocks surrounding the body of water to let your cat wander the terrain nearby while you wait.

Connie and Historia are on standby a good distance away, out of view and waiting for your signal. You’ve taken Connie’s wool cap and lowered it enough to cover most of your face while the front locks of your hair help curtain the sides of your face.

If the boy is as well looked after as you expect him to be, all of the policeman assigned to look after him will not only be familiar with you and your features, but they will recognize most of the senior members of your inner circle as well. This is one of the reasons why you’d chosen to bring Historia and Connie along instead of Mikasa and Jean. Historia and Connie not only look the least suspicious amongst your cadre, but their identities aren’t fully linked with you yet since it wasn’t too long since they’d joined your team. Historia and Connie also didn’t have the courage to voice their opinions over your intentions here the way Mikasa and Jean would, which spares you from having to exert the energy it would normally take for you to deal with their occasionally petty questions and concerns.

The boy you have been waiting patiently to meet for months now arrives shortly after. He is, as you’d assumed, well accompanied by his nanny and a pair of men in seemingly casual outerwear. They lack badges and a uniform, but their stiff postures and vigilant gaze gives them away and you see them for what they really are: Paradis policemen undercover. They follow behind the boy and his nanny a few respective feet away, yet they remain close enough to intervene if an incident were to occur that would require them to step in.

But you don’t plan on interacting with any of them today. You were told the boy was deeply fond of cats but he was not permitted pets at home. Which made this all the easier for you. If the boy was as fascinated by these creatures as they’d said he was, all you had to do was invest in a cat and the boy would come straight to you.

And so, just as you’ve predicted, the second the boy notices your cat prancing about around you, he cannot resist his longing, and he breaks away from his nanny’s side to run towards you.

“A kitten!” you hear him exclaim while his nanny chases after him, demanding him to stop.

The two undercover cops behind her go on alert at the boy’s sudden behavior, but after assessing what’s got his attention and concluding that you don’t appear much of a threat — a young lady with her cat out in the park, seemingly alone and harmless, though rather strange indeed — they refrain from getting involved and hang back until the nanny regains control of the situation on her own.

You smile at the blond haired boy as he appears close beside you.

“Hello there.”

“Hello,” he replies in greeting, his tone far more mature and proper than any regular kid his age. “Is that your cat? Can I pet him?”

But the nanny arrives before you can reply. “My apologies, Miss,” she says to you in between breaths. “He can’t help his curiosity. He simply adores the little beasties. Come now, dear.” She takes his hand and pulls him along. “Don’t bother the pretty lady.”

You wave a hand in the air. “Oh no, please. It’s quite alright.” You nudge your chin in your cat’s direction. “I’m actually trying to teach him new tricks.” You direct your next question to the boy. “Would you like to help me?”

His eyes grow wide with excitement and nods.

You pat to a large rock beside you. “Come, sit. You can help me train him.”

“Oh, my boy. We really can’t stay long,” the nanny says. “Your father will be home soon and we need you in bed before then.”

“That’s alright,” you appease her with a smile before turning to the boy with a wink. “Just for a little while, right?”

The boy grins at you and inches closer to sit beside you.

You scratch a nonexistent itch on your brow as your cat notices the boy and begins to approach him curiously. Historia and Connie appear on cue, arms linked together lovingly. To anyone passing by, the two of them could be easily mistaken for any other young couple out enjoying a late night walk together in the park — as you’d hoped for them to appear.

You start telling the boy about all the tricks you want to teach your cat and all the different kind of treats you reward him with so as to stall time until Connie and Historia can make it to you.

Sasha had been told the nanny had an affinity for embroidery and you had made sure to mention this to Historia. But even without a background check, one look at the nanny’s outfit told you she was a lady of refined taste. She wore a stylish looking hat and a navy blue buttoned cape coat over a white sleeved blouse. She also bore a knee length navy colored skirt to match her coat along with low, thick heels and a pair of dark gloves.

Once close enough, Historia’s natural charisma lights up her face and she makes her move.

“Good evening,” Historia first says to you and the nanny before feigning to give a double take at the nanny’s coat. “Oh my! The embroidery on your coat is so beautiful.”

The nanny blushes. “Oh, thank you, dear. That’s very kind of you to say.”

Pulling Connie along like a boyfriend being dragged to his girlfriend’s side, Historia moves closer to the woman, intrigued. “Did you make it yourself?”

With the nanny distracted by Historia’s sweet charms, you divert your attention back to the boy who is petting your cat fondly. And there is no denying your cat is enjoying the attention as he starts purring loudly at the boy’s touch.

You smile. “He likes you.”

This makes the boy grin from ear to ear. “He’s so soft and tiny.”

“Do you have any pets?” you ask in conversation, even though you already know his answer.

His smile diminishes. “No, my father won’t let me have any. He’s allergic.”

You look to him sympathetically. “Oh, that’s terrible.”

But he laughs as a cricket catches your cat’s attention and starts chasing after it. “He really enjoys the outdoors.”

You hum in agreement. “All cats do. People just train them to stay indoors and they eventually get used to it. But they’re wild by nature.” You gesture to your cat with a jab of your chin as proof. “It’s their natural habitat.”

You adjust your position, sitting with an elbow propped on your knee and a fist tucked under your chin before turning to the boy attentively. “So what’s your name, friend?”

“Casimir. Casimir Smith.” You smile at his name. A smile laced with danger. He then adds, “But my friends call me Cas.”

You cock your head innocently. “So can I call you Cas?”

He grins and nods. “What’s your name?”

”Anya.” You point a finger to your cat as it pounces on something lurking in the grass. “He doesn’t have a name yet. Would you like to name him?”

His eyes widen in excitement. “Really?”

“Of course!”

Cas ponders for a moment, as if this is a very important decision that needs to be thought over with care.

“He reminds me of a tiny black bear cub…” he begins timidly, afraid you might disapprove.

But your face has never expressed so much enthusiasm as it does in that moment. “A bear? Well that’s perfect! We’ll call him Bear.”

His face lights up, happy and relieved that you like the name he’s picked out. Just then, as if wanting to voice his own approval of his new name, Bear appears meowing at Cas’ side, scratching at the opening of a pocket from his trousers.

You watch amusingly. “You must have something in your pocket Bear wants, friend.”

Cas digs into his pocket and pulls out a bag of cookie crumbs. “I have some biscuits from home I like to feed the ducks at the lake.” He starts offering them to Bear in the cup of his hand. “Don’t really like them, but they were my mom’s favorite so dad keeps buying them, thinking I like them too.”

You hum thoughtfully at the mention of his late mother, but you don’t pry for more information. “I think Bear rather enjoys them,” you say instead.

“I’ll bring some more tomorrow,” Cas says when Bear licks his hand clean of all the crumbs. “Will you be here tomorrow?”

“I’m afraid not, friend,” you tell him regrettably.

The boy lowers his gaze, crestfallen. ”Oh.”

“But I’ll try and come next week,” you offer as consolation. “Same time and day?”

Cas nods, happy again. “Okay.”

“But…” You bite your lip, expressing concern, “if you’re not allowed pets, then better you don’t speak of us meeting today to your father, don’t you think? He might not let you see Bear anymore...”

Cas nods in agreement at your subtle request, too innocent and naive to think anything of it.

But, of course, why should he be mistrusting of you? You don’t seem like one of those bad people his father warned him to stay away from. Those people were monsters, villains. Dangerous criminals with destructive and violent tendencies. Capable of inhumanely cruel and wicked deeds. They were ugly. Full of scars and deformities. Meant to mirror their equally vile hearts and crooked souls.

Never in a million years could the boy ever suspect that a young woman like yourself would ever wish to bring harm onto the only living son of the commanding officer of the Paradis Police Force, Erwin Smith.

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sonofthesaiyans · 1 year

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Mikasa Motherf'ing Ackerman...

What do you say about a character who is one of the most iconic in anime, but for all of the wrong reasons? About a character who is absolutely fascinating on a surface level and a certified badass....but woefully lacking in depth and motivation or even in human interaction with anyone beyond one or two characters?

I know a lot of people are going to disagree with me, but Mikasa Ackerman is in my opinion one of Attack on Titan’s weakest characters, and as its main female protagonist her shortcomings as a character only become more glaring as time passes. A character who after twelve years of story gradually became little more than a romantic attachment for Eren Yeager, and could not get herself away from his circle for any substantial amount of time. Much has been hinted about her relationships with the rest of the 104th, and much had been brought up about her ancestry and her ties to the Azumabito clan and Hizuru. And as most must realize, very little of any of this came to any avail. Her interactions are frustratingly limited, and so little has been elaborated on in regards to her profoundly important role as an Ackerman that it loses credibility the longer it fails to deliver on all that had been alluded to over the course of the final act.

And of course, no clarification on her relationship with Levi. But that’s peanuts compared to all else, so I digress.

What’s really sad is that Mikasa is probably the character who made Trina Nisihmura a household name, even though she’s had countless roles elsewhere, big and small. Mikasa is by far her most recognizable role, but I don’t think it’s unfair to say Mikasa may be one of her weakest characters. This of course is none of her own fault, her performance is rock solid. But her talents are wasted on someone who refuses to emerge from their shell in the story.

For a manga and anime that prided itself on strong female characters, there’s actually a lot of evidence to show that no, this is wildly overstated and I think we’ve all seen how Isayama has treated his main girls since the ocean scene. Mikasa unfortunately is not an exception to the trend even with her almost unmatched combat prowess.

I don’t like to hate on Mikasa, she was the one who first caught my attention when I stumbled upon Attack on Titan. She was my initial favorite and I REALLY want to love this character. But it’s hard for me to even like her because she just fell into the same tired pitfall so many supposedly strong female leads have in so many stories. It’s frustrating that I can’t genuinely enjoy Mikasa because she’s really got nothing to offer outside of her fight scenes. And you all know my feelings on Eremika. So no, that doesn’t help me to connect with her.

There’s the characters I hate. And then there’s the characters I don’t want to hate. I definitely will have more to say on Mikasa later but I just really needed to air out my bitter disappointment in her. The story sure loves to boast of Mikasa, but none of it is earned. Isayama, par for the course, fails to deliver on the weight of her still very mysterious and unique position in the story between Eren and the Titans. Again, I cannot reiterate my belief that Sasha Braus easily could’ve been a stronger main heroine than Mikasa wound up being. Or Historia and Ymir, or even Petra, easily, just to name a few. And there’s others I’d say should’ve been given that chance too since what we have now with Mikasa Ackerman just doesn’t work. And it’s a huge shame.

Mikasa Deserves Better. Call that a hint of more to follow. In time, of course.

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lawliet-ryuzaki-ryuga · 10 months

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Chapter 8

Captain (Levi Ackerman X reader)

WC: 1673

TW: umm some violence... aka titan slashing.

Two comrades; humanity’s Strongest and humanity’s Bravest. A bond between Two warriors who have nothing to lose.

Masterlist

Chapter 7

Since your talk with Levi the other night you have begun to pull yourself more together. Of course not without having your guard up. You had gotten ready and walked passed many of your comrades with your head held up without much of a care. You had seen your friends in the distance in the dinning hall but you grabbed your plate and tea first and then walk in their direction.

“ Morning Y/n, you seem to be better.” Amane comments with a slight laugh.

“ might be the tea Levi brought her last night” micheal’s under his breath.

“ I do feel better, and maybe it was the tea. What is it for you to care? Still can’t mind your business Micheal.”

A few laughs can be heard across the table, with a couple chit chats among one another. You sat in silence just gathering your own thoughts. IN the distance You hear some chatter, not realizing that it’s being directed towards you.

“ Y/N, Y/N to earth.”

You look up to see that Isabella is waving her whole hand in front of you. With a slow stare, you glace up towards Isabella to see what it is that’s so important for her to be acting this way. “ Yes Isabella, what is it?” You glare at her before taking another sip of your lukewarm tea.

“Are you going on today’s expedition?”

“I wasn’t aware there was one.” you spat back.

“ We were told not to mention anything to you but you look well enough to go.”

“ Well then i suppose you answered your question then.” you put the cup down before another voice jumps into the conversation.

“ What question?” Levi asks from behind you as he moves to sit besides you.

“ Isabella asked if I’m going on today’s expedition.”

“ Well you’re not y/n.”

“ You don’t have a say Levi.”

“ As your-”

“ Finish that sentence Levi and the you’ll be the only one not going. I don’t give a shit if you’re a captain, You’re of equal level as i am.”

“Stop being so damn hardheaded.”

“ give me 50 titans Levi, and they’ll all be dead before you can spell out the words ‘hard headed’ , do not test me Levi” you bite back and then turn to Isabella to ask the mission.

“ So what time do we leave Isabella?”

“ at a 3 this afternoon..”

“ great.” You grab your things and leave the group before anyone can speak a word. You feel the gaze of many but it’s become a norm for you.

You hear some loud footsteps behind you , and the rhythms in itself already tells you who it will be.. Levi.

You continue to walk forward without a single hesitation in your step and direction. You walk into the gear room and begin to prepare your gear.

“ Y/N, you’re not going, put it away… That’s an order.” Levi orders you from the door way.

You stop and give yourself to process what he just said.

“ excuse me?”

“ I said that was an order.”

“ I Wasn't asking you to repeat yourself, I was giving you a chance to reconsider what you just told me.” You scoff and return back to adjusting all the handles and making sure your gear is sharpened and ready.

All that could be heard is the clicking, clanking and sharpening of your gear. The rest of it was complete silence, with the hint of deeps breaths from both you and Levi.

“ Why are you so adamant on going Y/N?”

“ Because I’m not sick, I’m not injured, I’m fine. This war must come to an end, I can’t be sitting around doing nothing Levi.”

“ I don’t think you have comprehended what happened.”

“ I didn’t realize you now know when or how I comprehend things.”

“ Y/N I don’t think you’re ready.”

“Then I guess I’ll make myself ready.” You comment back at Levi before walking away from him. A small huff can be heard in the distance from where you left him, but you could care less.

Before you know it, it’s time for the expedition, and all of you are lining up besides one another ready to take on what comes beyond the horizon before you.

“I see you’re joining us today Y/N.” Commander Erwin’s voice rings through the air. With a quick turn of your head to the right, you see Levi and the commander standing side by side.

“ Yes sir, I am.”

“ Levi tells me you’re not ready.”

“ with all due respect Commander, but if you’re going to try to convince me to stay behind just stop while you’re ahead. I’m going and that’s final.”

“ No not at all, welcome back.” Commander Erwin welcomes you back with a pat to your shoulder and walks away.

Hange and Levi discuss with the rest of us the plan for the mission and the next thing we know, we’re on our way. The plan was to make it too Shiganshina and just check the surroundings before going into Mitras and collecting some supplies. The journey just consisted of a constant silence with a few chatters on the side. You could see Levi on his horse not giving much mind to anything around him, and all that overtook his face is the stoic look that he always held. But knowing him, he was already thinking of a million things. The goal was to make it to Shiganshina before sundown, so around what looked like to be mid-noon, since the sun was at a 55 degree angle, the pace and speed of the trip increased. But little did you all know, there was a mob of titans surrounding all of you.

“EVERYONE ASSUME POSITION, WE NEED TO TAKE THEM AWAY FROM THE DIRECTION OF THE WALL!” Commander Erwin screams, and in seconds we are all changing directions.

The goal was to divert them from the wall, but Your goal was to eliminate them. Why just divert then, when they can be taken care of all at once. You just went in for every strike, Not missing a nape or brining them down to their knees. Levi eventually saw what your goal was, as he saw that you were not leading the titans away, but you were getting rid of the problem. With a grunt, knowing he couldn't let you do it on your own, he took it upon himself to assist you in any way he could. At one point your comrades saw what was happening and did their best to also take down all the titans that they could together.

Before we knew it we were already at the entrance. Once we made it into the city we were greeted by crowds, some crowds would scream hateful words asking "why we were coming in if we were not doing anything. "While others would cheer in the distance, you look over to see where the cheers were coming from.

That was when you see what looks like a young boy and a girl with a red scarf, they don’t look much older than 10 years old . The boys eyes flash with so much joy, and a glimpse of pure euphoria, but it falters once he saw the whole picture. Comrades injured , some missing limbs, and all deal with something internally. Many of our fellow comrades’ parents ask us where their daughter or son is.. asking if they are still at base, if we can return a message for them. But those sons and daughters were far from us now, no longer with us.

We move past the crowd and into our base where we will rest. Many cries and screams can be heard as some wounds are being cleaned with alcohol. That’s when you feel like something dry on your face. You lift your fingertips by your brow to feel dry blood, but a cut that can be felt. You hiss at the touch but get up to go get the supplies you’d need to clean yourself up.

“Go shower Y/N, I’ll help you clean the wound when you’re done.” You hear Levi slump on the floor you were just sitting on. You notice all his gear is off but he hasn’t cleaned himself either.

“ Maybe you should go shower too.” You suggest to the man before you. But you’re left with silence in return, but with that you turn back around and walk off to go clean yourself.

Eventually the night was over and a new morning rose, but nothing about it was a good morning.

tag list : @thfloating @ajmiila02 @inurmom00 @awesomeness1679 @the-loneliest-girl

19 notes · View notes

syoish · 3 months

Text

TEN SECONDS - EREN/READER

I haven't posted about it on here because I'm SHY ABOUT THIS SHIT but I started posting the Attack on Titan Eren/Reader fic that I've been working on for the last few months.

It's kinda a coming of age fic about asexuality, overcoming past trauma, and going through the motions of getting better. Writing it was a really personal experience and I'm extremely proud of it.

Chapter 6/16 was posted this morning.

It's prewritten and I post a new chapter every day

PREVIEW BELOW THE CUT:

It starts at the end.

With the soft thud of your last moving box meeting the worn carpet floor in your new bedroom.

You can hear your new roommate down the hall in the kitchen, shuffling things around to make space for you in one of the cupboards.

Not that you have much, anyway. It’d been too much of a scramble when you were packing so all you’d really managed to shove into your beat-up minivan were the essentials. You try not to think about the things you forgot, but it’s impossible not to. Especially as your eyes move around the pathetic collection of mismatched boxes surrounding you.

The TV.

Your bookshelf.

The printer.

It’s all stupid things. Material things that you shouldn’t be upset you had to leave behind, but you can’t help the empty feeling that you get when you think about them. You tried to remember what your mom had told you on the phone two nights ago. Your mom. Because she was the only one you could turn to even though you’re supposed to be an adult that can handle yourself just fine.

'Don’t worry about the physical things.' Her muffled voice had come through your phone as you pressed it tightly against your ear, holding your hand to your mouth to hold back a choked sob. 'We can figure all of that out after. Just think about if you actually want to be there or not.'

You hadn’t.

Not for a long time.

But leaving someone who’d been tied to your life for almost seven years wasn’t easy.

Even though it happened less than 24 hours ago, everything was still such a blur. You feel yourself forgetting bits and pieces of it and you’re scared. Scared for what forgetting means. Scared that if you forget too much… you’ll go back.

You force yourself to remember everything you can. Force yourself not to forget.

'You’re not that brave, stop pretending you are! This is an act that you’ll snap out of!'

'I can’t live without you!! You can’t leave me alone like this!'

'I’m sorry, I’ll stop. I’m sorry, I’ll stop just please don’t leave you can’t leave!!'

'NO ONE IS GOING IN OR OUT OF THIS DOOR!'

You swallow a lump in your throat as your hand reflexively moves to your bruised wrist. The clear purple imprints against it. Your fingers brush softly across the bruises. You push down against them, out of a sadistic desire to feel something. The dull pain slowly makes its way up your arm as your ears ring. You press harder. Harder.

Harder.

And then you drop your hands and tug your sleeve down to cover the marks.

Your roommate moves into the doorway. “The cupboard next to the fridge is empty.” She tells you.

“Thanks.” You reply.

“No problem.”

Then there’s silence.

Even though you go to the same university, you hadn’t met Mikasa Ackerman until a few hours ago when you were downstairs with your shitty old van packed with all your belongings.

You’d found her roommate wanted ad the night before and thankfully, even though you were desperate for anything, what she was looking for seemed to fit:

Student. Female. Quiet. Clean. No parties.

Basically, you in a nutshell. Thank god.

Perhaps sensing the awkwardness of the silence, Mikasa pushed away from the door frame. “I’ll be in my room if you need anything. You can move stuff around in the living room.”

You nodded and she left.

Turning back to the room, you take a deep breath before opening your first box.

Your hands tremble as they meet the cardboard. You feel your face become warm as your vision blurs.

You close your eyes and take a breath.

There are so many emotions running through you and you can’t put a name to a single one. Normally, there’s a voice saying something, yelling something, demanding something; but even that voice is silenced.

You want to scream. You want to cry. You want to dig your nails into your head so you can rip the feelings right out.

You feel so empty. You feel so full. You feel desperate and lost and confused and so fucking broken.

You’ve never felt more broken.

Useless useless pathetic useless selfish useless idiot selfish pathetic bitch.

Ah. The voice is there.

“Ten seconds.” You softly mumble to yourself. It feels a little silly to be saying it out loud, but it cuts the voice off before she can say more. “All you have to do is survive for ten seconds.”

1…

2…

3…

4…

5…

6..

7…

8…

9…

10.

Your eyes remain firmly closed, and the voice remains silent. You made it ten seconds. If you can make it ten seconds, you can make it ten seconds again, right?

So, you start to count:

1…

2…

3…

4…

5…

#my post #my writing #attack on titan #eren x reader #eren jaeger x reader #eren jaeger #eren yaeger x reader

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cryinginthebackseat · 1 year

Text

breaking sugar - ch ii

AO3

Fandom: Attack On Titan

Pairing: Levi Ackerman x Mikasa Ackerman

Word Count: 9.040

Warnings: Sexual content, swearings, etc.

Author’s Note: ok, so remember how i said that i decided to divide this story into two parts? well... i lied. also would anyone be interested in a playlist for this fic on spotify? lmk in the comment section <3anyway, this is part two

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Pleasure was once reserved for the chocolate croissant and black tea in the morning; getting jackhammered shit into the weekend after a successful heist with Isabel and Furlan; dinner with his old squad, digging into Oluo’s homemade cottage pie, equal parts drunk and genial, smoke invading his eyes and lungs as they sort of talked about the fucking past like some old age pensioners; him, sweating through the heat of the afternoon as he swept his room from top to bottom.

But now there is her.

The unforecasted storm.

The couch trembles underneath them. And her breath, her breath is a different kind of tremble. And it absolutely rattles him still how her body reacts to his, how she opens up for him, how much she can take him. Nonetheless, he still feels guilty; and that sooner or later, this has to end. But her hand guides his hand around her throat and there’s no escaping this. Fucking abnormal behavior. It really is insane, really.

Mikasa Ackerman has become an unintended addition to his definition of pleasure and whatever semblance of normality, the structure that has kept him grounded for years shattered and spiraled before him upon her arrival.

Levi fucks her on his couch, in his office, while the rest of the castle is having lunch at the mess hall. He’s behind her, and she’s everything underneath him, on all fours. The expanse of his naked chest fuse with her sweaty naked back and she’s mumbling something into the cushion— in between boiling tea-kettle shrieking moans and punched-out gasps. His mouth is open and he sinks his teeth into the back of her shoulder. The hand around her throat tightens. Mikasa hiccups into a broken moan, rolls her hips back against him, but he only pins her down. Fucks her deeper. He whispers dirtily when he feels her orgasm approaching, his breath hot at her ear. He praises her how good she’s taking him, how wet and tight while he makes her come.

When Mikasa starts convulsing uncontrollably and he feels her constricting around him, he pulls her back against him. Briefly, roughly. Her fingers dig into the side of the couch; the one on her neck comes to wrap above hers, their fingers entwined. This happens first. Then, she moves her hand from beneath to on top of his and balls their hands together into white-knuckled fists. Way too fierce of a grip to be considered cradling but he knows that she knows he can take it. It’s almost as if the pain justifies whatever this newfound pleasure he’s subscribed himself to.

“How do you do it?” Mikasa asks, after. Her shirt’s now half-buttoned, her body’s sprawling on the couch facing him, limbs loose and indolent. She has her knee at his hip and his thumb stays coasting the skin there.

“Do what?”

“How do you make me feel so good?”

And there’s a renewed rush of emotion surges in him but he’s able to tamp it down. He knows he can’t slip again.

“Is this some kind of a sordid cue for me to fuck you again? Because it’s working,” Levi tells her instead. He doesn’t say it back– he can’t. You make me feel good, too. This is not real. But she does make him feel good. So good. Ridiculously good. How is it possible for someone to feel this good, he’ll probably never know. But this isn’t real.

She gives him a playful shove. “You’re incorrigible.”

“Can you blame me?” Levi leans in and mouths at her throat. “You’re too tempting to resist and I’m just one man,” he settles with that. It’s closer to the truth, anyway. Though a lie juxtaposed to a truth means jack shit.

Mikasa hums with a poorly-concealed annoyance, while his hands, his fingers skim down the edges of her body with dedicated interest until they reach her ticklish spot on her hips. Levi goes for it, tickles her until she jolts so hard. She laughs through the tears as her body shakes, trying to wriggle free from his assault but Levi’s having none of it.

They crash to the floor together, half-naked, laughing like total airheads. She’s on her back and he mounts her once they’ve stopped.

He glances down at her, distracted, by the happiness that is sketched into the lines of her face and how the sight disarms him. Not only because he is quite certain that Mikasa is the most beautiful woman he’s ever laid eyes on or because she makes him feel good, but because, for the first time in a long, long while, someone is looking at him like his edged mist, his winter lips- always spewing out barbed words and thunderous expletives- and his glass-shards soul are also parts of him that perhaps could be loved too, and yes, there’s a pleasure to be found in there as well.

She raises and runs the back of her fingers along the side of his face. Goosebumps raise the hair on his body, though it has to do with her cloud-soft touch.

Mikasa then asks, “When will the meeting with the Commander start again?”

“In about two hours. Why?”

She bites at her lips– still red, like a bruised cherry, plucked at; suddenly sheepish.

“Can I stick around a bit longer?”

It’s usually moments like these where his harness breaks. Time spent on securing every buckle, and she dismantles it like it’s her full-time occupation. Logic picks up its megaphone and screams right into his mind, telling him to get the fuck away from here. None of this is real, but it’s getting harder to wrestle with his feelings lately. Not when it’s like she’s taken a dip inside his mind and extracted the exact thing he’s been dying to ask her.

And Levi caves.

“Yeah,” he tells her, quiet only because he means it. He always caves. “Yeah, stay as long as you want.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Underneath it all, Levi is a man of mission. That fact alone already marks him as dangerous among others, besides his inhuman strength. He will do what is asked of him, he will pull all the stops to meet the impossible results and he doesn’t give a rat’s ass what people think of him– truth to be told, words worth little to him. He’s all action and performance, if the Survey Corps wants him to manipulate, torture or kill someone for humanity’s sake, he could do that with a lack of thought or remorse, because that’s just who he is: Levi Ackerman of the Survey Corps, a fucking military Cerberus.

Mikasa is hardly an enemy– she’s just a mission, but her round eyes glitter in a dark-lit room, her kisses leak sequined moon dust into his mouth and her pretty toes curl whenever he shoves a bit of his leaking cum back into her cunt and Levi thinks that’s what he wants from her.

“I want you to tend to the girl.”

Levi never chooses wisely.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

"Have you heard of Caesar Cipher?" Levi asks, sounding painfully conversational for someone who has his palm curled around… well, his dick and rubbing said dick up and down her soaked slit. When Mikasa only responds with a whimper, he asks again, “Have you?”

It takes Mikasa a beat to answer. “A-a what?” Her voice cracking from the lust-induced haze she’s in and failing miserably at sounding anything remotely curious.

“Caesar Cipher. It's an encryption technique used by Julius Caesar for his private correspondence." He grinds slowly against her, then teasingly pushes half of his length inside her. Relishing on the dizzying moan she makes, her now familiar walls clamping down around him as he sighs. “We can send each other coded notes whenever we’re too busy to see each other.”

“Levi, why are you talking about cryptography when you’re– oh! When you’re balls deep inside me?”

Levi pauses. He looks down at her, looking damnably pleased with himself. Then he hauls her leg higher over his shoulder, leans down and darts his tongue between her parted lips.

“But I’m not fully inside you yet.” And he then slams into her, hard.

After she comes– only after he makes sure she comes again and again– does Levi pull a pencil and his notebook from the bedside table. He draws the cipher with a right shift of four as he explains while Mikasa, sufficiently boned, cock-stupid and wet all over; her thighs are wet, his bare leg pressed next to her is wet with sweat, the sheets below her stick to her, wet, striving to pay attention to him.

A few days later, when time is fucked by each other’s conflicting schedules and long, grueling hours of training that prevent them from getting together, Levi discovers that Mikasa is also reckless when it comes to wanting.

Levi is waiting for his horse by the stables with Dita and Mike. Erwin is sending them to Stohess to help oversee the repairs since, well, technically, the Scouts were partly responsible for the destruction of the district months earlier.

Dita and Mike launch into some sordid gossip they picked up from the tavern last night, about a scummy Major from the Military Police on the verge of divorce on account of infidelity with his much younger secretary.

“Fuck do I care,” Levi says nonchalantly, upon being asked for his two cents on the situation. Dissolutely picturing Mikasa, under him. Mikasa, stepping out of the shower, toweling her damp hair. Mikasa, whimpering, as he licks traces of sugar from her nipples. Mikasa, roaming about his bedroom with no shirt on. Mikasa, on her knees, while he taps his dick against her wet tongue, and that’s terrible.

Funny how a single person could worm its way into your head and reside there, unbidden but not unwelcome. These days, all he thinks about is her, fucking her, her fucking him— what, with his at the stage of horny and possibly pussymatized.

His train of thought is interrupted by the sound of someone’s footsteps. Levi cranes his neck, expecting for Erwin to come and send them off.

Levi raises his eyebrows. He doesn’t know whether to laugh or shake his head in disbelief. That’s how he sometimes reacts when confronted with the unexpected.

Mike turns his attention from Dita. “Can we help you, cadet?”

“Good morning, sirs,” is what Mikasa Ackerman says with a document in hand, the other curls to her chest in a salute. She is all exuding respect to her commanding officers while her eyes glued solely to Levi’s, not at all shockingly, but Levi is starting to sweat bullets underneath his gear. He wonders if the others can spot the mischievous twinge in her eyes? Or if it’s all only in his head?

“Apologies, I was asked by the Commander to deliver this to Captain Levi.” Mikasa walks up to him. They’re a well-matched height. He watches her with that bored, unimpressed look, that tight mask he wears in public. He can’t– mustn’t let his guard down while others are present. She hands him the document. Their fingers touch for a fleeting moment. “He also says that the content is strictly for your eyes only.”

What are you up to, brat? Levi watches Mikasa carefully now. Her mouth is very firm and very tight but he can see the faintest curl at the corners. He knows her; she’s challenging him. There’s that small, sudden bubble of both nervousness and fear inside him.

It’s not Mikasa he fears, not anymore. It’s him. He’s afraid of giving in to his impulse.

Brave girl, he thought.

“Thank you,” Levi says to her, keeping his tone flat. “Carry on, Ackerman.” And then she’s gone.

It’s only once he reaches Stohess, once he’s done sitting through boring meetings and done his duties, that Levi takes a look at the content of the document in the safety of his room.

Pizm,

Lezi e weji nsyvric. Gsqi jmrh qi srgi csy'vi fego ex xli LU ws ai ger gsrxmryi alivi ai pijx sjj.

- Qmoewe

He sits on the desk and begins to decipher each letter with the cipher.

Levi,

Have a safe journey. Come find me once you're back at the HQ so we can continue where we left off.

- Mikasa

Levi shakes his head, a grin spreads stupidly wide on his face and his eyes crinkle.

Simply put: he really is a different man when he’s with Mikasa. Part of the job is taking risks, knowing when you’ve gone too far.

He's definitely gone too far.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Two days later, Mikasa finds a folded piece of paper on her pillow.

She rushes outside, not forgetting to take the cipher with her. She sits on a lone bench under the sun. She bites the inside of her bottom lip, her mouth numb from the idea of being nibbled, sucked by him as she deciphers his letter.

It reads–

Shall we continue where we left off?

- Levi

“Fucking shorty,” she says, and then she laughs.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“Ackerman, I’d have a word.”

Mikasa blinks as she cranes her head from her interlocutors, who have been flocking her, smothering her with perfunctory congratulatory for setting a new record for the most sit-ups completed in an hour by a cadet, towards him. It’s stifling hot out here and Mikasa was engineering a possible escape route in her head from all of this.

That, until Levi waltzed into the rescue.

“Sorry, the Captain wants to see me,” she says, unflappable. Feigning regret to the nameless, faceless comrades that are not her friends. The odd formality of the way she excuses herself from them earns her an almost comical smile from Levi, but his face quickly closes off again and leads them back inside the castle.

Inside, Mikasa lets out a breath she hasn’t realized she’s been holding.

“Okay now?” Levi waits until they’re completely alone to ask the question, his tone kind, concerned. He opens his palm and takes Mikasa’s hand in his. A stark shift of demeanor to minutes ago when they had an audience, something that still throws Mikasa off-kilter sometimes. Perhaps it just never really occurred to her, for someone so full of barbed edges, so imbued in violence, she is the one thing he knows and can be gentle with.

It makes her feel important, special. Like a gentle undoer of his universe– that sounds a bit presumptuous, she knows, but she can’t help herself. Whenever they are together, they melt into each other with phrases. Levi makes her feel she could show him all the doorways to her heart.

“Yeah. All thanks to you,” Mikasa squeezes his hand as she watches him. He really is handsome. How could she have missed this? "How did you know?”

An easy, almost-knowing smile tugs the corners of his lips. "Mirrors, remember?”

Mikasa exhales with a sweet, heartwarming laugh. Nothing about the world they live in is ordinary. They’re not ordinary people, but her dreams have more or less been ordinary.

The only difference is that now he’s in it. As she pictures a secret future where he’s able to slip an arm around her waist, kisses her, as they stroll down the market on a Sunday. She pictures baking cookies in a small cabin up on the hill while Levi brews their morning tea on bare feet. He would choose the most caffeinated tea. He would be very particular about that. She imagines Earl Grey or Assam. Mikasa would very much like that.

She wonders if he can read this in her face. Though the answer is pretty much obvious, with him being her mirror and all, also because before they go their separate ways, the last thing he whispers to her after he kisses her is, “I wish we could do this all the time.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

It’s four pm and Levi is fucking her with his mouth.

Inside one of the bathroom stalls, and she doesn’t think they’ve never been this reckless before. Maybe there is an appeal in tempting fate, she gets it now.

Her back against the cubicle door, and he’s on his knees before her, her leg perching on his shoulder. His hands on her slim waist are firm, enough to help her steadies herself on one foot. Still, Mikasa presses one hand on his shoulder, the other cups the base of his skull, fingers pulling at his hair. She can’t fall now, she thinks. Not when he’s right here, down there, working on keying her up until she’s reduced to a breathless mess.

She obviously didn’t expect the Levi Ackerman would be kneeling on the bathroom floor let alone to agree with this in the first place, but he did and she selfishly rejoices about how he’s on board with this because this is hot. Especially if you add the part where anyone could walk in on them, and the thought corkscrews through her head and Mikasa can’t stop shaking, and she can only gasps and moans as Levi’s pink wet tongue keeps lapping at her pink wet, attention-starved, sensitive cunt and her back knocks back against the stall, and she can only imagine his face is slick with sweat, spit, and her essence, as the latter drips down his nose, his mouth, his chin and oh god oh god oh go–

“You okay up there?”

Mikasa looks down at him looking up at her from between her thighs.

“You sounded like you were about to asphyxiate,” Levi explains at Mikasa’s confused look.

Oh.

She hasn’t realized she has been holding her breath near choking until now.

She gulps audibly, marshals her breathing. Painfully embarrassed– and maybe a bit self-conscious, but Levi is chuckling, like he finds the whole situation endearing and Mikasa’s heart involuntarily swells.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” she says, she thinks. Her mouth is moving, but she can’t be sure. The world seems hazy, like she’s just crawled out of a hermetic chamber and straight into a barren field or something.

“Do you want to stop?” Levi asks again, more serious this time. She can tell he means whether she wants him to continue, but it’s like he’s alluding to something else, something that goes beyond his mouth in her cunt.

Either way, her answer is the same: “No,” Mikasa breathes out the word, firm and unquestionable. “Do you?”

His eyes say never, but the words that come out of his mouth are: "Fuck no,” Levi breathes back, like it’s self-evident.

Before Mikasa can ponder on his answer, though, his nose is mashed back against her cunt, shoves his tongue inside her and she can happily settle with his Fuck No.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Summer is still a heavy thing. The sun beating down relentlessly. The days bleed over into the next, yet routine is simple: his bed is her bed, only once the sun’s down. His body nestles against hers, under, on top. Slowly stroking the shocking fuzz of her electric skin, and as much as he tries not to admit it, but there is some contentment in being with her.

A few years ago, none of this wouldn’t have mattered.

But now, they find comfort and ease to confide in each other.

He sees all of this in her face. There is something strongly elemental and unpresuming about them when you strip them to the bone.

“Show me yours, and I’ll show you mine,” Mikasa tells him, running her thumb over one of the many scars on his chest, like they’re swapping battle notes or effective chess openings.

It’s frighteningly convenient that Levi knows that she knows his scars run deeper than physical, and that he doesn’t have to hide all of this and his bad dreams with her, because she has them too. Their bond isn’t run of the mill, it is a “only you would understand” union that surpasses any conceivable logic.

So, Levi starts to tell her about Isabel and Furlan, his mother, his mistakes; and she tells him about Eren and Armin, her parents, her past which the conversation usually follows by a tangent about literally whatever, the weather, literature, their favorite establishments in Trost, their shared clan and it’s like a word vomit; the floodgates have been opened and there’s no control over the flow of the water. Frankly, small talks have always been a strange concept to Levi. He’s always been that person who skips the bullshit and just drops right into it. But then again, this is no ordinary small talk. This is him learning these little things about her and vice versa. It’s a conversation, nonetheless– an equally curiously intimate one that the two of them have never struck before.

In other words, Levi is fucked the minute he accepted the assignment and now he runs the risk of living with guilt following him around like a bottle of cheap perfume.

In other words, she is the hurricane inside his stomach– and is this love?

What is love, exactly? Because it can’t stem from something like this, right? At least, it shouldn’t.

He thinks he doesn’t want to know, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t see the point, although he feels the lines have long gone blurry at this point. Apparently, when he starts to make a fool of himself, there’s very little that can stop him.

So much for being clever, indeed.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Saturday morning breaks hot and hazy, the sort of weather that the poets would lament about.

Mikasa is going to town with Armin. He is waiting for her at the end of the corridor, waving. But before she can reach Armin, she would have to walk past Levi.

In this enclosed space, amongst the passing soldiers and officers, Mikasa catches a glance of his profile: the angular cut of his nose, the inky strands of hair that brush across his forehead and her pulse does that strange half-beat, Le-vi. Le-vi.

Levi rotates his head, as if instinctual. He finds her staring, finds himself staring too.

She lets her eyes land on his, the clearest point in the room, as she saunters past him.

Mikasa brings her fingers over her heart, where his mark is still imprinted there, both literally and figuratively.

The muscle in his jaw leaps.

Mikasa inwardly smirks. She knows where his eyes will be nowadays.

“Ackerman.” Levi nods with the start of a look that others might mistake for nonchalance.

“Good morning, Captain,” replies Mikasa, yet all she sees is the shape of his head, his tongue writing narcotic filth on the intersection of her thighs, that fucking tactile ganja, until she overdoses on the pleasure he’s giving her.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Levi hears her climbing and swinging up with her gear to the roof. She’s silent and loud, at the same time. The contradictions used to baffle him, especially during their one-on-one training sessions. Her boots would land with a thud, but her punches are deadly silent and it’s always with a touch of that unpolished grace. Oftentimes, it nearly knocks the breath out of him, at how powerful and deadly and beautiful Mikasa is when she’s in her element.

Mikasa reaches the rooftop. Levi merely looks up at her from his cigarette and smiles.

He can smell his detergent on her clothes in the balmy night air.

Levi watches her approach, heart in his throat, and feels he has already lost. This is real. They’re definitely real.

"Aren't you going to offer to share?" Mikasa asks, sitting down on the ground beside him after she dropped her gear.

Levi smirks. “What, you’re subscribing to one of my damn vices now?”

Mikasa’s brow quirks mischievously. “Oh, I didn’t know you had several.”

You, he nearly tells her. You’re one of them.

“I’ve got aplenty,” he says instead, a touch more morose than he might’ve liked, but he quickly masks it with a nonsensical laugh. “This one’s the worst, though.” He nods to the cigarette, in an attempt to lighten the mood.

“They are, but I guess I can see where you’re coming from. I got this pleasant buzz in my head after smoking the other day.”

“It's the nicotine, according to the mad scientist themself. Something about it stimulates the release of dopamine in our brain.” Levi drawls, tips his head back and puffs out smoke heavenward. “Don’t you think it’s pretty pathetic? That we, as a race, are somewhat incapable of organically feeling good that we succumb to our bad habits and–or sex?"

“It is sad, I agree. But anything to get through the day, I suppose.” Mikasa looks contemplative for a moment. “That reminds me of a question Jean once asked me. We were at this tavern for Connie’s birthday, just the six of us. I was sitting next to him and we were watching Sasha and boys in their usual drunken shenanigans and I was so happy because I hadn’t laughed like that in a long time.” Her mouth twists softly into a wistful smile. “I told Jean about it, and in turn he asked me, ‘But are we really happy or just distracted?’ and that question plagues me to this very day.”

Levi scoffs. “Should have known Kirstein is a goddamn party pooper.”

“In hindsight, he really was.” Mikasa laughs, trilling high and beautiful. “But I guess what I’m trying to say is that question scares me more than it surprises me. I don’t want my happy moments to end up being a distraction. Like whenever I am with you…” Levi’s heart beats frantically at that. “When I’m with you, I know for certain that it’s not a distraction.”

Levi meets her eye. It really is unfair, the way she always puts him in a tight corner. Hange was right: he’s treading on a dangerous line here. Levi doesn’t let himself look away when he asks,

“Are you really that happy when you’re with me?”

“Of course,” Mikasa tells him, and her lips brush against his cheek as she says it. “Of course, I’m happy when I’m with you, Levi.”

Her answer catches him completely off-guard. His own blood rushing in his ears. He is tempted to shut his eyes.

He’s quiet now. He can feel Mikasa’s gaze on his peripheral, but Levi refuses to look at her. He’s close to spiraling. He can’t stop wanting her, that much is clear to him. The guilt and shame stick in him. But then Mikasa rests her head on his shoulder and her hand reaches for his free one. She’s warm. It’s strange how it never occurred to Levi how he craves things like this.

For so long, his bed had been cold. Levi is a cold person by nature– even colder than Mikasa– but it’s only after she entered his life that he realized how much he needs another, warmer person beside him. To make him feel… what, exactly? More human, Levi supplies wryly. Yes. Human.

And to err is human, he supposedly adds. And maybe this is what makes him take the next step.

“Come here,” Levi murmurs softly, suddenly. His cigarette dangles from his mouth and grabs her waist and pulls her onto his lap. Mikasa complies with a questioning look as he steadies her with one hand, the other grabbing the cigarette from his mouth and taking a long drag. His eyes are dark, all pupil, and intense. She just sits there, waiting, staring down at him and the way his lips wrapped around the cigarette, and the end flares red when he sucks in.

And then he’s wrapping his hand around the back of her neck and pulling her towards him.

Mikasa follows, her hair hangs across her face, her bangs sweeping against his forehead. He fastens his mouth over hers and releases the smoke into her mouth. Levi can feel her breathing in, pulling the smoke from his lungs. Taking his breath away, literally. His hand makes its journey upwards from her waist, mapping the delicate lines of her body, temptress incarnate and contained. Her thighs shudder between him, he feels that one too. And the way her hips shift against his, her lips slick and hot against his own. Levi grunts. Hating how easily his body reacts to her advances, and how he always loses a modicum of control when it comes to her.

Eventually, Levi breaks away first, severing the connection between them. Scrambling back for control before he ends up taking her on the damn rooftop. Mikasa pulls back and exhales in his face.

“Brat,” Levi says, holding the cigarette between his lips again, the corner of his mouth curling up slightly in the faintest of smiles. “We should get going.”

“We should,” Mikasa concurs, but snuggles her head into the crook of his neck and makes no sign of moving. “Or five more minutes?” she mumbles, lazy and comfortable with him. Her hands now pressed against his stomach under his shirt, distracting him. “You make a really good makeshift pillow, you know?”

Levi snorts. “Tch. You’ve become rather indolent.” But slips his arms around her waist anyway, then down, down to cup her ass. He presses his mouth against her earlobe and nips. “We need to do something about that.”

It’s hard to tell if she laughs or groans at that.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

(He doesn’t, though, do anything about her indolence.

She has him by the cock, thoughts, veins and the heart and Levi allows it– the ultimate act of his surrender. He’s a knight pledging his fealty. The subversion of power should alarm him, but he’s only lying if he tells you it does)

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Here is what happens: he catches Eren approaching Mikasa during a morning formation, demanding her attention. His breath comes to a halt at the sight. Levi is in mid-conversation, but he’s watching them the entire time until they disappear around the corner.

And there’s that, he feels it, sneaking up to him, like a snake creeping behind his back. That intense, unnameable sensation in the pit of his stomach, a feeling he's never thought capable of feeling before that makes his jaw tightens.

It really shouldn’t, but he just can’t get the thoughts of him and her out of his head all day.

“What was that?” Levi asks her, hours later, in the privacy of his quarters, helping her tug down her boots.

“What was what?”

“Earlier, with Eren,” he elaborates flatly, not wanting to give his emotions out in the open. “I saw you disappear with him.”

Her head snaps up. Eyes wide. “Oh. I didn’t know you saw that.”

A frown quickly descends over his face. “Well, I did,” he says. Low. Bitter. Jealous. “Care to provide some context on what happened?”

Mikasa looks away, her hand absently goes to her neck, as if reaching for her scarf that is not there. A habit he learns she possesses whenever she is thinking or feeling uneasy.

Then Mikasa stands from the bed, stalks over to his desk and pours herself a wine. She sighs, world-weary and loud, rubs a free hand over her eyes before downing her drink. Levi remains kneeling on the floor by the bed, nervous.

“He kept insisting that we need to talk,” she utters after a moment, nervousness seeping into her voice already. “Saying there’s something he needs to tell me in private.”

His face sours, and he doesn’t care if she sees it. “And what is that?” Levi can’t help but ask.

She pauses and a pause means uncertainty. Levi hates this, he hates how his stomach twists and knots out of fear of the first letter that’ll come out of her mouth.

“I…” That’s one. Levi holds his breath. “I actually don’t know.”

He moves to sit on the bed. A crease forms between Levi’s eyebrows, not quite a frown. “What do you mean?”

She laughs. There’s no mirth in the sound. “I didn’t stay to listen.”

Now, he's just confused. “What?”

“I left. Whatever he wants to say to me, he can shove it because I’m done. I can’t keep giving my ear to him so he could spew all of his steaming-fresh pile of emotional vomit on me whenever he feels like it. I won’t let him coax me into doing that again,” Mikasa explains after she places her glass on the table. Head bows slightly, like she’s about to cry.

“I have more use than being used. And I can’t believe it took me so long to realize that.”

For a brief moment, Levi becomes very still. He keeps his face blank. He opts to keep his mouth shut.

He’s worse than Eren, it seems then. And she just doesn’t know it yet. The realization grabs an imaginary dagger and twists it between his ribs.

“You’d think your heart would be safer with someone you’ve known your entire life, but I guess that’s not always the case,” she continues, chuckling, there’s no mirth in the sound. “They could hurt you just as much– if not more. They know exactly where the scars and wounds hide, yet they poke on them nonetheless until you won’t stop bleeding.” A lone tear escapes her eye, unbidden. “Eren did that, to me. But I suppose in some sense, I should be thanking him for that.”

“Why?”

Mikasa takes a deep breath, putting on a brave face as if she is about to jump across from one building to another, hesitates, but finally overcomes that fear and turns to him. “Because it led me straight to you.”

Her admission takes an unexpected root in his heart and the ability to speak escapes him completely. He feels sick.

He doesn’t know how to react to that. Simply closes his eyes as she approaches and stops to kneel before him, lets her brush his hair back, her fingertips drifting down his temple and cups his cheeks with both hands. He opens his eyes and it’s then he realizes it: she’s crying.

“Levi,” Mikasa rasps, suddenly his name feels too sharp on his ears. “I’m not really good with words, never have been. There are many things I want to tell you, but I don’t know how to pour them out the way I intended. But I can tell you this one thing,” she exhales.

“I’m in love with you,” Mikasa confesses tenderly. His breath hitches at that. “I never thought I’d feel this way. After Eren, I thought it’s impossible for me to let anyone else into my life, but you make it so hard for me to resist you. Because everything about you makes sense; being with you, the scars that mark your body, your stubbornness, the way you view this world.” She smiles, mouth full of tears. “You are the other half of me I never knew I’d lost, and I love you so much for it.”

It's not a sigh, it sounds like a quiet resignation that comes out of his mouth. “Brat—”

Mikasa raises a finger to his lip. “No, please I don’t want you to think I’m putting you on the spot. Whether you feel the same way or not, it doesn’t matter. I needed to say it.”

Levi can’t look at her face anymore, he would unravel. This won’t end well for the two of them. He wants to tell her this. He should warn her about this. Nothing lasts, but the pain he would inflict on her once the truth comes out would. She would carry it for the rest of her life, and eventually he would have to leave her. He has to leave, now or in the not-so-distant future. Except he doesn’t want to leave. The heart wants many things, but Levi is a simple man and he only wants her.

It won’t last, but for now–

“Mikasa,” his voice shakes. It is on the tip of his tongue, and for the first time, he doesn’t care. “I feel the same way too. I love you.”

He feels the shift, her body going tense before him.

He meets her eye. She meets his back. Why her.

“Really?” she asks, mouth growing tremulous.

“You don’t know half of it.” He fucking caves every time. “I love you too, Mikasa. I think I’ve loved you for a long time.”

This time, when he looks at her again, something fractures inside and perhaps withers, so he quickly hoists her up onto his lap. Levi’s arms circle her waist. His face tucked under her chin. Trembling. Mikasa rests her cheek on the top of his head, stroking his hair, repeating those disarming words– ‘I love you’- to him, punctuated with sweet kisses.

The abject fear inside him is engulfing him now. His life is marked by many great milestones of sins and mistakes attained by doing the unforgivable, but this is… this is irredeemable, he thinks. This is just going too far. None of this is fair for her.

But it would be a special type of gaslighting if he tries to convince himself he is a good man. So, if he’s going to break her heart, he will make it matter.

“Mikasa,” he begins, voice muffled against her chest. “Please, don’t go.”

“I’m right here, Levi.”

“No, I mean, don’t take the MP’s offer. Stay with the scouts. Stay with me here,” he says, near frenzied and shameless and begging. “Please, stay.”

She pulls back and looks at him, analyzing his face, her tears still welling, trickling down her face in quivering, shining streaks.

“Do you mean that?” Mikasa asks, hopeful and his heart breaks for her. Has anyone really never asked her to stay?

“Every word,” he says. “Please. Mikasa, stay. Fucking stay with me.”

There’s no use for lying anymore. The cat’s out of the bag now and the only person left to blame is him. And all that’s left is waiting. Waiting for the bottom to fall out of this, like free falling in your malfunctioned ODM gear. It will happen. It has begun. Rome is collapsing. Levi has done so many unspeakable things and he thinks he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven. He could not return from this.

Levi loves her too much. He really does– there, he said it. But he can’t love her if he’s still holding the knife.

“I’ll stay, Levi. I’ll stay for you.” Mikasa brings her mouth closer to his and Levi holds her tighter, as if to hold onto that she is, in this fleeting moment, really his.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Kenny had once told him, “You take after your old man too, don’t you?” which Levi immediately realized it was his way of saying: you’ve got the devil on, not one, but both of your shoulders.

He didn’t know Kenny had known his father. Not that it would make much difference, that two-bit, no-good, excuse of a father of his had still left him and his mother to fend for themselves and Levi didn’t give a flying fuck about his old man or which side of the family’s curse he had the most in him.

Here was what Levi knew: anyone is capable of hurting anyone. No matter whose blood is pumping through your veins. And Levi always knew how to hurt, as easy as breathing. It was a required knowledge, after all, being an active participant of the Underground’s own fucking rat race. He’d always known how to wield that sword, how to hack and slash and hurt and get what he wanted.

Kenny had called that power, all the same.

“You hurt someone, that’s power for you, kiddo,” he had said, stirring that fuck-stale whiskey he liked to poison himself with so much. Levi was twelve. “And you do it rather efficiently.”

It was the closest thing to a compliment he’d ever received from his uncle, albeit a backhanded one. Levi said nothing. He was not his uncle. He would never twist the knife for his own means and justify it as power.

He never wanted it from the very beginning, anyway.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Mikasa Ackerman’s rejection letter finally arrives at the MP’s doorstep sometime later. It’s a foregone conclusion, but one that calls for appreciation nevertheless.

“You have both my respect and gratitude, Levi,” Erwin tells him, genuine. That permanent frown he likes to wear on his face has dropped marginally. “I know it was unfair of me to railroad you into taking this assignment, but Ackerman is the best soldier we have in the regiment, only second to you. We need her for the upcoming expedition to improve our odds of survival.”

Levi only nods. He has nothing much to offer. The remorse and shame only multiply tenfold and cascade through him. He sips his tea. All he tastes in his mouth is Mikasa.

Erwin doesn’t prod on his silence. Instead, he continues to tell Levi, “But now that the matter has been resolved, things between you and Mikasa can get back to how they used to be. You are free to drop the charade, Levi.”

His chest feels too tight. The victory is empty, as empty as the hole inside of him.

He’s supposed to fuck her into staying, not cutting open his chest and offered his heart to her.

“I will,” Levi murmurs. “I plan to, but give me time to wrap things up with her. I… I can’t just leave her high and dry.”

Erwin raises a brow, suspecting. He yields no comment on Levi’s decision, however.

“Okay, Levi.” Erwin’s face softens that much more, almost pitying, near understanding. Levi likes it even less hearing his words that follow after: “Take all the time you need, then.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Levi doesn’t sleep that night. Mikasa is curled up in his bed, tucked under the covers, save from inevitable heartbreak in the dreaming state she’s in. He remains standing, pacing. He is on his way to his third glass.

He will really have to leave. He will have to untether himself from her for good. His love works like slow poison on her bloodstream, he concludes, corroding her artery before it irrevocably damages her psyche. He can’t let that happen, so they have to end. They’re ending.

Sometimes, he flirts with the idea of self-destruction. He could find a way to nudge Mikasa back into Eren’s arms, make her see that she’s better off with her knight in shining armor turned pseudo-brother turned whatever the fuck he is to her, instead of being with Levi; a man much older than her, travel-stained with a hefty emotional baggage, always has one foot outside the door, his heart halfway into hers and the other into the scouts.

It would shatter his world, for sure, but it’s the price he’s willing to pay.

And if she insisted on pushing the blade of guilt into him too, until he’s dead, so be it.

Levi climbs into the bed. His room is all dark now. He lays beside her, there’s that upswing of gentle breaths, that small, but noticeable upturn of that thin, clayey mouth of hers as he watches her, as if trying to bottle this exact moment in his head.

He reaches out and carefully pulls her to him, her body wrapped around his. His hand is snaked around her waist and the warm weight of her presses him into the mattress. Mikasa doesn’t stir– she’s out like a light. He knows this about her now, how deep she sleeps after several orgasms, how he would have to nudge her awake two hours earlier before the castle does, and they would sit next to each other on the bed, naked, post-sex exhausted and sleep-fogged, with a cup of steaming black tea.

Levi presses his lips against her temple, her hair, her collarbone. He finds it hard to breathe. Everything about her is familiar and comforting now, and he will have to give up all of this.

Trembling, he rests his head on her chest and mutters to her heart, “I’m so sorry.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Sometimes, he wishes he has someone he can talk to about his ever-present guilt.

Ideally, someone who is not from the military. Perhaps, someone older, wiser, who could provide him a perspective.

Immediately, his mind refers to his mother.

It’s always at times like these, when the whole world has him jackknifed and collapsed on his knees that Levi thinks of his mother and he can’t help but wonder if the mistakes he’s made along the way are the product of her untimely death.

Maybe he could have been a better man; smarter, and more rational if she hadn’t been taken away from him so early.

Maybe he’s only deluding himself.

Regardless, in his head, he imagines telling her about Mikasa. Levi’s memories of his mother have become dimmer over the years, but Levi can almost see it, her in white, hair down to there, hands knotted together in her lap as she patiently listens to her son’s continuous rambling.

“How does she make you feel?” Levi imagines her asking him that. Along with that stretch of a smile of hers, compassionate without words. She was such a good mother, and for a moment, Levi hates her for that. If anything, it makes his grief and sorrow know no end.

“Wonderful, all-consuming, profound… loved… contented, impossible.” Levi feels as if he’s reciting a list of poisons.

“It sounds like you’re at war with yourself, my darling boy.”

"I think I am," he chuckled humorlessly. "I don't think I know what I am anymore and I need you to show me the way."

His mother smiles sadly. "I think you know where to go, except you won't let your heart follow through."

Levi hangs his head low. "But I can't love her, mother– I shouldn't… right?"

"Levi, we rarely get to choose who we love and that’s okay. Love is beautiful precisely because it isn’t something you find, rather it finds you when you need it the most.” As Levi had once dreamt for a long, long time, his mother cups his cheeks and presses her mouth against his temple. “Listen your heart, my love," she whispers. She rubs the pad of her thumb over the scar on his cheek. “Listen to your heart and let it guide you.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

The fact of the matter is that chaos has begun brewing since he approached her in the greenhouse. The fact is, the Captain was ordered to clip her wings and the woman was supposed to fall right into his arms.

It works just the same as rickety stairs. All it takes is the wrong step, that unexpected creak of doom, and the wood splinters under you by perhaps a little too much strength, and the entire thing crumbles in a matter of seconds.

There always needs to be a catalyst, someone to kick it off.

And you can only delay the inevitable for so long.

For the next five agonizing days, Levi works up the courage to broach the subject of their separation with Mikasa. He tells himself he’s only trying to be considerate and tactful.

(It’s a lie. He can’t let her go. Doesn’t want to. He’s stuck in quicksand)

But five soon turns to six, and six to seven and so on. He blinks and it’s been ten days. He’s been putting off on the matter for too long now. He knows.

On the eleventh day, Levi catches Eren dragging Mikasa by the arm into the storage room.

And something inside him alights.

It doesn’t take half a beat for him to march towards the room, his nostrils flare, fueled by fresh outrage. He can’t recall what he was supposed to be doing or where he was going.

He clutches the doorknob. He hears Eren’s voice coming from inside of the room.

“–not about us. There’s something you need to hear about Captain Levi.”

Levi pauses halfway through opening the door. His brows knit. What could possibly the Titan shifter have against him? He presses himself against the door like an anxious kid, straining to hear.

“Captain Levi?” Mikasa’s voice, he notes, is laced with something like surprise. “What is it– I mean, what does it have to do with me?”

“You aren’t fooling me, Mikasa. I know you have been seeing the Captain for quite some time now,” Eren tells her. Levi hadn’t expected that. He’s been so certain no one besides himself, Erwin and Hanji know, how did the fucker manage to get a whiff of his relationship with Mikasa?

“Look, normally I wouldn’t be here discussing your personal relationships with others, but there’s more than meets the eye with the Captain. Please, just hear me out.”

His breath catches, mindfully aware of where the conversation is going. Fresh fear swamps him. The thing is, Levi doesn’t know how to pull strings. He’s a soldier, a puppet. This is something beyond his skill set, and now he’s panicking. Eren is coming for him, he’s going to decapitate Levi in the town square and wave his head around on a stick. He needs to act– and fast.

When Levi enters the room, both sets of eyes are on him, shocked. His glare is stony and impassive, gathering himself, as he looks at Eren, who is gaping at his sudden entrance.

“What the fuck is going on here?” Levi asks, quiet and low, a dangerous undercurrent beneath his words.

“Nothing. he was just leaving,” Mikasa initiates after a beat, purposely making her way to Levi’s side. Her face contorted in anger. He would like very much to touch her arm and drag her out of this room, but then decides better of it.

Eren finally shakes the shock out of his system. He stares back at Mikasa, exasperated.

“I’m only trying to protect you, Mikasa.”

She lifts her chin slightly, defiant and implacable. “I don’t need your protection, Eren.” Not anymore, is what goes unsaid, Levi thinks. Something like pride blooms in him, but he quickly snuffs it out. Now’s not the time. “Now, if you’re quite done, leave. Please.”

“I’m not leaving until you hear what I’d have to say,” he parries, stubborn.

“Which part of ‘I don’t ever want to talk to you’ that you don’t understand?!”

“When it involves your safety, you think I’d just sit on the sidelines and watch it pass me by? Then you really don’t know me at all.”

Mikasa frowns, marked with more than a hint of disappointment. “I don’t think I know you anymore these days, Eren.”

Eren pauses. His mouth twitches slightly. “Mikas–”

“You heard the lady, Yeager. Get the fuck out of here,” Levi interjects, his voice coiled tight and cruel. He’s uptight, defensive and aiming for aggression. His eyes flash dangerously. Warning him that he won’t hesitate to resort to violence if provoked, that he’s just as capable– if not more– when it comes to it.

Though Eren, much to Levi’s surprise, rises up to the occasion.

He fixes Levi with a look. He, too, is in rage now, Levi can tell just as much, and takes a step towards him, gets in his face.

“Or what?” Levi glances up at him and Eren is looking down on him, animated by fresh outrage and mouth held tight in a line that replicates his own.

Mikasa steps up to intervene. “Eren–”

“You’re going to manipulate me as well into leaving?” Eren continues to talk, all but ignoring her. Levi’s face hardens, jaw tightens. He doesn’t look away from Eren’s face. “Into doing your own bidding?”

“Or I could have your ass court-martialed for disrespecting a superior officer.”

“What’s there to respect when you’re hurting someone I care for, sir?”

“You’re one to talk,” Levi retaliates, he’s all teeth and hands curled into sweaty fists at his side. “You’re preaching about how you care for her, yet you treated her like a fucking emotional punching bag for years.”

“At least what we had was real,” Eren spits out. “Can you say the same thing about that?”

Levi’s blood freezes at that. He didn’t expect Eren would go for it, straight for the jugular. It makes him hate the kid even more.

Next to Levi, Mikasa’s mouth parts open. One, two, three, four seconds pass by. No one moves a muscle; the air in the room feels like it’s being sucked up by an unknown force.

Levi turns to face Mikasa and blinks in panic. “Mikasa…”

Her face flickers. Stiffens, Levi thinks, might be the better word. “What… is he talking about, Levi?”

Eren smirks, mean-spirited. “Oh, you don’t know? I suppose we should leave it to the Captain to enlighten us about it.” Levi doesn’t move, the rage fully takes over now. The fucker turns to him once more. Eren’s goading him again. “Or would you like me to spell it out for her, instead?”

Levi takes a step forward, glowering. “Back off, Yeager,” he begins, icicle-pick sharp, harsh. “I’ll only tell you only this once: back the fuck off. This doesn’t concern you and it never will.”

“Your threats mean nothing to me, Captain. You make me sad.”

“Yeah? Well, you make me fucking angry.”

He’s still talking. “Look at you. You’re empty. You’ve got no heart, no soul. You’re not a person. You’re nothin–”

He doesn’t wait for it. Levi goes for it and barrels into Eren, deliberate, violent. It effectively wipes the smug off Eren as his body hits the ground and a swift strike catches him in the jaw.

Levi does it again and again and again until he sees red. He’s not pulling his punches. His strength hums beneath his skin, desperately channeled through him, through his uncapped rage. He might as well have turned the brat into a bloody pulp underneath him, but Levi can’t bring himself to think straight. He can’t stop. He is much too far out all his life. Not even at Mikasa’s hysterical plea, how her voice falls on deaf ears. He’s lost control over everything and anything.

It isn’t until he feels three pairs of arms tugging him up on his feet that Levi finally stops. The world is still a blur to him, like he’s just returned to the surface after drowning for so long, but by the time he realizes what he has done, Levi knows it’s only a matter of time before he’ll drown once more.

#rivamika #Mikasa Ackerman #levi x mikasa #levi ackerman #aot #attack on titan

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