#because even the obviousness of a basic procedural is not getting through to some people

[sunflowerdigs]

Not Oliver signing up for a basketball game just to be able to answer a question about the show going back to the 7x04 game. The salt in this man has no match.

[frogfacey]

I have thoughts brewing in my brain about mouthwasing fans and their "rescued curly" designs. because there's a couple of layers to it that vex me.

Like mostly, it sits in stark contrast to what the game is actually saying about people's worth in a capitalistic society. Not only is rescue definitely not coming (because why would you waste the money heading out that far to retrieve the ship of a company that has gone bankrupt?) but if Anya says that she cannot lose her job because she has no savings and Jimmy's pay is docked because he messed with the ship, Curly would not have the money to pay for rescue, let alone get the surgeries people are suggesting. Curly would go into life ruining debt to get these surgeries. And that is not even taking into account that no one seems to understand how these procedures actually work. And it seems to be (even if unintentionally) framing Jimmy putting Curly in the pod as some kind of final selfless action when it is obviously not? It is a selfish self serving choice because it made him feel like a hero and killing himself afterwards means he wouldn't have to consider what Curly's life would be like should rescue ever come. The need to see Curly happy and rescued (*cough* and as non-disabled looking as possible *cough*) comes from a refusal to sit in the uncomfortable reality set out by the themes and setting of the game. That is not what is going to happen to that character and, moving to the second thing that bothers me, that is not what happens to people in real life. Real people in this character's socioeconomic position with analogous jobs get horrifically injured all the fucking time and they are not getting government subsidised bionic prosthesis (because of fucking course it's always bionic prosthesis because people are fetishistically obsessed with sci-fi bionic prosthesis) and magical skin grafts. They cannot afford to pay for the surgeries or afford to spend time away from work to recover, so if you can fucking believe it they actually just live without the magic prosthetics. Just idk through your attempt to prove how cool and knowledgeable about disability you are by showing off your cool prosthesis designs you have accidentally shown your inconsideration towards the existence of poor disabled people. Is basically my point.

[starlightshadowsworld]

The Sheep King and his Demon AU

Aka Bsd except Chuuya doesn't join the Port Mafia.

Not technically canon to this... Butt what if Dazai joined the Sheep.

Basically the whole operation of setting members of the Sheep free, takes a lot longer than anticipated.

And so Dazai is sort of taken hostage by the Sheep until their hostages are released.

I say sort of because Dazai offered himself up as a hostage.

He's curious, he wants to know about this gang of teenagers that causes such havoc for the Port Mafia.

Especially their king.

The Sheep hold a meeting and they agree.

Dazai is suprised by his treatment, sure he and Chuuya argue constantly and he can piss off anyone without even trying.

But they treat him like they treat each other.

At first Dazai assumed they were lax about security because he came willingly. Or they were just that overconfident.

But he realises that's not the case at all.

Sure they keep an eye on him, mostly Chuuya. But he's not restricted to their base, just warned against going further into Suribachi city.

Obviously, Dazai doesn't because that sounds like more trouble than its worth.

But he's not handcuffed or kept in a makeshift cell. He's allowed to roam around the base and the surrounding area with a Sheep member keeping an eye on him.

Their all well aware of who he is, and have procedures and an agreed upon plan if things go south.

But for the most part, Dazai is treated like one of them.

Like, Yuan takes food inventory. She calculates how much they've got, rations the food as fair as she can.

So Dazai is suprised when a can of crab is handed to him every so often.

Because no one else eats crab, he's the only one. And Yuan goes out of her way to get him it so he'll have something to eat.

He wonders if it's to keep him on their good side, but it's not the case. Because Yuan tries to grab the others food that they love, it's not always possible but she tries.

None of the others comment about it, some joke about him eating crab of all things but leave it there.

They never force him to eat with them but the door is always open.

"Thanks for the crab."

"Hm? Oh your welcome."

Shirase is a strategiest, which suprised Dazai given their first meeting.

But apparently when he's not blinded by emotions, he's a lot more calculating and smart.

Dazai's offered to help when he's seen Shirase scheming a heist against a shipment heading into Port Mafia terrority.

"You... Want to help us steal from your people?"

"Why not?"

Shirase just stared at him for a moment before snorting, moving to sit beside him.

Showing his notebook and filling Dazai in what was happening.

They spend the next few hours pouring over ideas.

Tossing plans back and fourth. Sometimes they end up walking in circles and Shirase ends up leaving to patrol but thanks him for his input.

Dazai's never had anyone but Mori to steategise with, but this felt different. Quietly he'll admit that it was fun.

For all of Chuuya's grumbling of not being a king, he's an effective leader.

And so different from Mori.

After becoming Boss, Mori is strictly hands off.

He rules through fear and intimadation. He doesn't have to fight because he had tools that would it for him.

Mori's word was law, you didn't challenge it unless you had a coffin picked out.

Than you had Chuuya who constantly throws himself onto the front lines. He's a team player even if he would jump into danger alone to spare the others.

The Sheep follow Chuuya because they trust him. They need each other to survive and care about each other.

Chuuya doesn't give orders, everything feels like an open ended discussion. They debate and scheme and come up with solutions together.

The Sheep have even benched him when he's injured despite Chuuya saying he was fine.

They know each other's limits and don't use that to exploit it each other. Rather how to help and take care off each other.

It's so different to what Dazai's used too.

It's werid.

But it's not a bad werid.

Dazai starts to dread the idea of going back to the Port Mafia. He makes a throw away comment about it at dinner and everyone goes silent.

Chuuya just looks at him like he's said the dumbest thing he's ever heard.

"Idiot, if you don't wanna go back. Don't."

Dazai wants to laugh and say that it's not that easy. You don't just leave the Port Mafia, he'll be killed or worse and that's before Mori finds out and deals with him personally.

Chuuya rolls his eyes, as if reading his mind. He tilts his head to the others, and Dazai looks around.

And notices the looks on everyone's faces.

No one objects, no one looks annoyed or angry... Infact, they seem to all be in an agreement.

If the Port Mafia tried to take Dazai, they would all rally behind him.

And Dazai... He smiles.

Somewhere deep down he knows he's found where he belongs.

Chuuya gifts him his blue wristband, putting it on his wrist.

Dazai: Werid way to propose Slug.

Chuuya: I'm not proposing?! We're not even dating!

Dazai: Do I have to do everything around here?

Chuuya: You never do shit!

Shirase: Not true! Shirase tell him! Tell him how useful I've been!

Shirase: He's not wrong, Chuuya.

Dazai: Awww thank you hedgehog!

Shirase:... Nevermind he's been lazing around all morning.

Dazai: Gasp betrayal!

Yuan:.. Did he just say gasp?

Dazai:, Fine fine, oh great king Chuuya will you go out with the lowly peasant that is me?

Chuuya:... I will pay you to never call me that... And sure fine I'll go out with you.

Yuan: I win! Pay up scrubs!

Everyone else: groans and pays her their money

Chuuya: You bet on us?!

Shirase: You can't actually be suprised.

Chuuya:...

Yuan: Thought so.

Dazai: Damnit why didn't I think of that?

[bambamramfan]

This is obviously a critical response. Also Scott has posted his follow-up post "Highlights from the Comments" here, which I'm also responding to.

Now, even if you aren't conservative I think there is real value in saying "a major cultural change, focused on some sectors, recently happened. WHY did it happen. What were the turning points and structural factors." And I don't think "because we suddenly became better people" is a good answer to that. So exploring the cause and effect from civil rights law to the social justice shift is not, a priori, a bad idea.

Hanania's very partisan and activist slant on the question I disagree with, but it doesn't mean he makes no good empirical points. If you only read the people you agree with, well, they tend not to circulate inconvenient facts to your side and then you get blind-sided. And despite his reputation, I really do like RH's writing on China. And I'm on the record that running large parts of employment regulation through a very tiny errata of the Civil Rights Act, leads to absurd and bad outcomes and bad law.

But I'm pretty disappointed at his book (as summed up here) and Scott's moderate reaction to it. I'm glad Scott pointed out "these administrative changes in the 1970's are unlikely to be responsible for a cultural shift that hit max velocity in 2014." Because Scott gives a lot of credit to the dystopia it paints of government and corporate hiring programs forced to circumnavigate huge vagaries by implementing contradictory and Orwellian hiring standards. The second comments post does this even more so. And I feel that even when these anecdotes are factually correct, they are leaving out extremely important context. To wit:

Bureaucratic hiring processes are already this Orwellian process of doublespeak that pay attention to a lot of factors besides who would be the best at the job. All the procedures people describe were already in place, just for other types of qualifications. Random example: Harvard prides itself on always have a student from every state in it's undergraduate body. Some of our states represent about 0.2% of the population. To guarantee that say Wyoming or Idaho always have someone on campus, you basically have to target geographically - and not by merit. Or a hedge fund that wants to impress investors by hiring graduates from the right schools, even if they've found ambitious state school students are better bang for the buck. It was never the case that employers cared purely for merit and then race came into play, even if it is the case that race is now one of several factors they have to juggle for.

Here's the bigger issue. The book and review really emphasizes how terrible it is to be caught in the bind that the US government wants organizations to be racially equitable, but it doesn't just give a list of rules to follow. It says "you figure it out. So long as you don't cause a problem that's fine. But if someone thinks you're racist, they can sue, and we'll have to prove it out in court." This creates an environment where the rules are unclear, and the best you can do is follow the best practices that similar organizations do, and say you were trying your best. And so if some organizations for idiosyncratic reasons take diversity more seriously, everyone else is forced to follow suit. For certain types of people this causes scrupulosity spirals. I agree that sucks. But this is by design! Not just in civil rights, but in the entire US administrative state, it was decided long ago. See, you can have a legal environment where regulations are enforced either through: a) An agency draws up all the rules for companies to follow, and has the workforce to go inspect every company to make sure they are complying. This is what we do with cars or restaurants, and most of Europe does with a lot more areas than we do. b) The government says "don't fuck this up. You're on your own" and you are left alone until someone thinks you've fucked it up enough that they sue you. Trials are a TERRIBLE way to work this out, but it's supposed to motivate you to be extra careful. This is much more random but much less costly tax wise, so it is the system the US has decided to go with for many of its laws.

So I agree "government by lawsuit" is a terrible curse upon America (and why we have so many more lawyers per capitate than other Western nations.) It leads to all the moral problems this book and review highlights. But it's not limited to the realm of race relations and it's by design so that we don't have to pay more bureaucrats. I doubt Hanania would want us to move to the European model which has less scrupulosity issues.

[thegeminisage]

readers i am so thrilled to report that tng this evening absolutely ATE. i thought tng was bad but as it turns out tng is good sometimes??? we did "a matter of honor" and "the measure of a man" which are proof of fucking concept: tng CAN BE GOOD!!!

a matter of honor: this is the first time i've been really, really fond of riker. his go-with-the-flow attitude is fantastic. yeah i'll wear the slut costume on the woman planet. sure i'll eat these worms to please the klingons. absolutely i will fuck two of their women at once. good for him. i get it now. I GET IT NOW. he is not only down to fuck is is down to do any and everything. when it rome. so true, buddy. he would've eaten those worms in the conspiracy episode fr

i was just noting how pleased i was that wesley only basically had secondary lines this season ("aye sir" and the like) when they called him to the transport room, but luckily it was just to be racist to that one guy...like, it was stupid, but obviously they were just explaining why they were re-using the prosthetic which turned it around into being funny

picard turning his nose up at the klingon food. WHAT A LIMP NOODLE OF A MAN. IF RIKER CAN EAT IT YOU CAN EAT IT. kirk would've eaten it. don't worry i'm only ragging on picard for this episode he's gonna get his time

whatever worf and riker had going on in this episode was gay. ok gayboys!

riker on the klingon ship...chefs kiss...he was so good. effortlessly parrying the challenge to his authority. conniving to become captain. the word phrase "who's your daddy now" may have been uttered by one or both parties during these scenes, among incredulous laughter. i can't believe he had it in him.

oh and HOW can we forget the klingon women. i actually forgive them for not only the threesome joke but also the breastfeeding joke because they were: fucking hilarious, actually, and felt more like they were punching down at riker instead of women. also i now 100% believe he is prepared to fuck his way through any given spaceship at any time and GOOD for him.

the measure of a man: FINALLY SOME GOOD FUCKING FOOD

still flying high on the endorphins of riker doing All Of That we got to view the poker game, which is apparently the first of many. it was wonderful. i loved data's little visor

episode started to drag when picard's lawyer ex turned up (toscore) bc i dont (didnt?) care about him or his love life, but when maddox showed up i was on high fucking alert bc i knew the name but couldnt remember why

LISTENNN every time he called data an it i gasped. i did call him a bitch several times in a row sorry to catherine. i knew obviously that data was going to be fine but i went on this ENTIRE journey

where do i even start. data resigning rather than submitting to the procedure, his goodbye party, his goodbye to geordi specifically AND THEY SHOULD HAVE HUGGED, augh augh augh

i think it was dumb to make will be the prosecuter if he wasn't going to more actively convey his regret to the audience. all of his goodwill from the klingon ship episode was used up sooo quickly especially when he used data's off button. data doesn't like that!!!!!

i did LOVE however the conversation picard had with guinan...which is bonkers bc apparently it was a last minute addition. but her like oh yeah they're gonna make more datas. entire generations of disposable people and his lightbulb going on OH YOU MEAN SLAVERY and she's like no thats a little harsh and hes like ACTUALLY NO IT ISN'T. it was so good. for the first time tng excelled at something that tos doesn't - like it wasn't too on the nose or pointed the way grand speeches in tos were. it was JUST subtle enough and coming from a black woman who is on tng because of the black woman in tos legitimized it in a way that it couldn't have been as much if, say, picard had come to it on his own. david cage WISHES

PICARD'S EXAMINATION OF MADDOX AND SPEECH IN THE COURTROOM. DID YOU GUYS KNOW HE COULD ACT? hey. did anyone know patrick stewart can act??? he was so fucking pissed off this whole episode and it was kind of nice but like did you guys KNOW he could ACT. when he got in maddox's fucking face about it. GO the fuck OFF i have been waiting and WAITING for him to do this

i loved data's packing things coming back, esp his hologram of tasha yar...she literally took his virginity lol i miss you queen

"does data have a soul? i don't know. i don't know that i have" I LOVE WHEN STAR TREK IS ATHEIST

data forgiving maddox in a sense at the end and maddox switching to calling him he...EYE certainly don't forgive maddox but his shock was so good. realizing something you thought was an inanimate object was like, alive.

also i really like that he forgave riker...i was so relieved they had a scene at the end together and so moved that data could find compassion for him after everything he did that EYE forgave riker...data is genuinely the most loving soul wtf i'd fucking die for him. anyway that made me well up a little bit. what a great episode 10/10 this is gonna be my first "must see" i think

ok! next i do "the dauphin" on my own and then tomorrow we do "the contagion" together

[katyspersonal]

Let’s talk about Adeline for once!

1. Do you project onto this character?

11. How did you “fall in love” with this character?

19. Does this character serve as a stress ball/ security blanket for you? Something you run to after a bad day to feel safe or happier?

Her!! 🌊 (Asks from this ( x ) as game)

1) Do you project onto this character?

Kiiiiinda...? a whole lot Although it would be more appropriate to say that I see myself in her than project, because the more relatable bits are "canon", actually xD She is a weird one out amongst the patients to not be scared of horrors of the Deep Sea but desire them, she is guilty of neglecting/not getting Maria's advice of going a more sparing road towards the Stars but then sorta gets it when Kos reveals the same advice to her in inhuman language, and she is so nervous about no longer being in contact with the horrors... I know all of this very intimately. (Mental health TMI warning) Heck, I am the type that gets nervous when hallucinations, voices or 'presences' are absent for a while because I have this deep belief I've failed as a human being and only by being in contact with "horrors" my life can have some meaning :^)

I'd say 'projection' bit comes through how I interpret her motivations! "Grooming" of Blood Saints IS a translation error and in the original the word is used to say "prepare"(as in medical procedure), but it doesn't exclude some sort of emotional manipulation, just makes it a choice rather than direct lore. But nope! I took Adeline as a volunteer in experiments, coming from her own depression (and even insanity), not listening to advices or warnings of people that wished better fate to her and trusting a guy who was obviously full of shit cultist because she is Just Like That and having a good time with horrors not because her sense of self-worth was reduced by Healing Church, but because she never had one.. Blood Saint era, I think, was her willing to sacrifice something about her to help people. Laurence benefitted from that, not created that! I am guilty of all this, so now she is too :> In other words, she has agency because I do.

11) How did you "fall in love" with this character?

It actually took me some time! And I actually feel ashamed of how 'selfish' my reasoning was :') I always liked her enough, but she raised so far in the top of my favs when I figured her connection to 'Sea' theme, yeah. Right after I properly analyzed it via Miyazaki's bad post-BB hangover in DS3. Hhhyhhhghj Basically, figuring we did have spiritual connection with this character 'activated' my brain to notice and focus on everything else about her. And I've found soooo many things.. I brought back the "Points of interests about Adeline" analysis just recently and so you probably believe me x)

19) Does this character serve as a stress ball/ security blanket for you? Something you run to after a bad day to feel safe or happier?

Oh, absolutely! Whenever I scrutinize how far I've spiraled and it gives me feelings of self-hatred, I do find comfort in knowing that "I am just like Saint Adeline for reeeeal!!!!!1! XD". ......representation matters....? And comfort character term especially fits, because in most cases I focus on her when I have a bad day! (Don't worry and send me DMs when I do post about her though! Like I said, she DOES make me feel better already!)

[go-to-two]

So I’ve been following the ratings at my job and it’s so disappointing and surprising to see that PD is making up the lack of live viewing in delayed viewing. It’s the top drama of the season (although 911 is right on its heels). I’m just so confused by this. I saw a tweet the other day that said fans of other shows don’t understand the misery I have to go through with PD, my favs got engaged in episode 3 and then didn’t have an actual conversation until episode 9. That’s so sad it’s almost funny. I mean they have made some HUGE mistakes, they’ve completely destroyed a legacy character, written him as out of character as possible and the remaining characters have seemed pretty stagnant to me in terms of growth. Do you think it’s just that other broadcast dramas are even worse (I find that hard to believe)? Or do you think it’s that fans are so loyal to this show and the franchise overall that they are sticking with it until the end or maybe those loyal viewers care more about the cases (which is obviously the focus of the show and has been for years) than the characters development?

I think a lot of it is routine and loyalty from the average viewer. We tend to get a warped sense of the show in online fandoms because everything we engage in is through the lens of a ship or character(s). I do the same thing. I watch what the show has become and wonder how so many people are content to still tune in every week, but then I see comments on some sites (Facebook, it's always Facebook) where viewers have watched for years and still don't know the characters' correct names or remember basic plot points. There is a reliable audience in people who will tune into the show out of habit or just enough engagement to turn it on, but not enough engagement to care to turn it off when the quality turned. Or (as you said) they tune in for the cases or police aspect, and they don't care so much what they do with the characters.

All that said, the ratings have dropped. It's not like it's remained steady for years, but everything is dropping so it's still a top performer. Procedurals are pretty evergreen in the sense that they can follow tropes and audiences know what they're signing up for, and newer shows aren't having the ability to build up quite the audience that older ones did when broadcast TV was stronger.

[tellyreviews]

Iss Ishq Ka Rabb Rakha 4th April 2025 Written Update: Meghla's New Problem

Iss Ishq Ka Rabb Rakha 4th April 2025 Written Update: Meghla's New Problem. Today in Iss Ishq Ka Rabb Rakha written update, the episode begins with chaos knocking at Ranbir’s door—courtesy of a police officer who claims Meghla has committed a crime and might soon be facing court trials. Ranbir, who apparently thinks yelling solves everything, starts arguing like he’s in a courtroom drama himself. Meghla, ever the voice of reason, steps in to calm him down, while the officer sticks to his script and denies Ranbir a ride-along to the station. So, of course, our hero decides to trail them in his car like he’s in a spy movie. Over at Bajwa’s house, Zoravar is pacing around like an anxious dad waiting for board exam results. Simran, as always, is all about the drama—already planning a celebration for Meghla’s "bravery" without waiting to see if she’s coming home or going straight to jail. The family hops on the praise train. Zoravar sneaks in a joke at Meher’s expense, asking for permission to join the party. Adrija? Silent and seething, probably plotting like a low-budget villain. Arjun’s finally relieved that all the confusion is cleared up. Meher, doubling as the unofficial family therapist, advises him to patch things up with Shabnam. Arjun tries to squirm out of it, but Meher and Kamla tag-team him into reconsidering marriage. Even Simran throws in her two cents and before he knows it, he’s cornered into reconsidering his entire love life. While all this is going on, Simran notices Adrija’s silence. Adrija says she’s happy for Meghla—but of course, she slips in her concern that Meghla might get arrested for breaking the rules. Zoravar, trying to play hero, promises he’ll hire the best lawyer in the country. Adrija flashes a fake smile but inside, she’s back to her favorite hobby: plotting Meghla’s downfall like it’s her full-time job. At the IG’s office, Ranbir tells Meghla not to worry because, obviously, love conquers legal procedures. Meghla nods and heads inside. The IG greets her with some top-tier passive aggression, accusing her of risking lives just to be a media darling. He rants about the public backlash and basically makes it clear he wants her behind bars. Just to spice things up, he throws in a bonus threat: a background check on Ranbir too. Meghla’s jaw drops. As he tries to dismiss her, she flips the script and says the meeting isn’t over. Mic drop. Outside, Ranbir decides to play influencer, going live on social media and rallying public support to save Meghla. Back inside, Meghla hits the IG with some very personal questions about his love life. He’s totally thrown off. She explains that she’s just trying to protect her husband, whom she loves deeply, and that she’s ready to go through an investigation because she knows she’s innocent. The IG gets a mysterious phone call, says “okay” like a confused boss, and then casually tells her to go home—no investigation needed. Meghla walks out with a smile like she just aced a job interview. Meanwhile, at Bajwa’s house, Sen shows up and joins the Meghla Fan Club. Adrija watches the praise-fest like she’s been left off the guest list. She whines to Chandan about people forgetting her "achievements," whatever those were. Zoravar tosses her a bone by complimenting her too, and just like that, she’s smiling again. Ranbir and Meghla return home and Harman spills all the airport tea. Everyone’s thrilled—except Adrija, who’s basically sitting in a cloud of jealousy. Precap: During the celebration, Meghla is asked to sing. She agrees. Meanwhile, Adrija pulls a cheap villain move and spikes her drink. Ranbir catches her red-handed. Later, she tries to poison his mind too by saying she and Meghla are nothing alike. Ranbir agrees—for about two seconds—then stuns the room by tossing the spiked drink. Adrija’s face? Priceless. Read the full article

[teriwrites]

The Insurgence: Chps. 10-11

My Live Reactions to Reading Through My 2016 Novel

I have no idea how long this whole diplomatic mission to Alderaan to Eulova has been going on, but long enough that Dollie was able to send mail and have it delivered to Miles and Lucile

Oh shit there are funds missing from the network's treasury

Clearly, it's important to bring back all field agents because they're obviously the ones who might be at fault

No, she actually wants them to assist in the investigation since they clearly Aren't the ones at fault

"It will be safe to go through one of our checkpoints, correct?" Lucile asked Miles anxiously. "Traveling through the Osennas Mountains was dangerous enough during early autumn. Traveling during winter would kill us." okay so at least there's some context for the time jump, it's been a number of months at this point

Miles is still bitter about Dollie rejecting his PTO

Lowkey, this mention of the snowfall across the countryside is reminding me that I need to go dig my car out so I don't have to wake up early tomorrow to do it

Lucile is grumpy again

"Have I done something wrong?" Miles asked finally as the evening began to set in. The sun was sinking below the horizon, painting the sky in reds and golds. Lucile didn't turn as she said, "Of course not. It's nothing It's just..." "Just tell me." "That's the problem," Lucile claimed. She pressed her hands to her temples. "You're too kind, and I trust you too much, and everybody begins to assume things." (I promise you that man is not too kind, Lucile, not even to you)

Jump back to Lionel and Dollie, and I s2g I'm gonna punch Dollie right in her face

(She's being mean to Lionel for not shooting well. The man has one eye.)

Apparently the Insurgence's 'standard procedure' has never heard of a thing called Accommodations before

Oh, no wonder Lucile felt so inadequate when facing the idea of using diplomacy, the person who teaches about it is DOLLIE

Dollie, yk, the woman who insults literally everybody around her, holds absolutely 0 trust in anyone, and generally has the worst attitude of maybe any character I've written thus far

AND she's not even a good liar!! Lionel just caught her in a lie about filing paperwork (when she's probably doing her treasury investigation)

Because he's still so new, Dollie decided she can trust him regarding the treasury shortage, too, fuuun

"Don't make me out to be in the wrong here," Lionel snapped. "Wanting to provide people with the privacy they have a right to doesn't make me cruel or betraying this cause." i get the point, especially since it's within ranks, but you just signed on to be a spy, Lionel

Ending Thoughts:

Things are ramping up! Just in time for the next section to be the last one I wrote lol I think the more intense things get, the characters are only pushing themselves further into their own frustrations and misery. Which, to be fair, is largely what I expected when going back into this. The point of writing 'The Insurgence' was to give myself a break, to let myself just ramble for pages on end in a basic story premise that I knew wasn't likely to go anywhere. Which is okay! Important, even! Sometimes, and especially during a challenge like this, you need to just let yourself go and write whatever springs to mind, regardless of how 'pleasant' that is.

[nightmarist]

Hysterectomy experience

(w photos, not very graphic incisions)

Arrived 2 hours before surgery as instructed, checked in. I was not allowed to eat anything past midnight the night prior. No drinking, no water, no gum. It was right after veteran’s day in the US so there were more people than usual.

Waited about an hour before I and my friend were taken to the OR. Lots of curtains hiding several patients.

Several ppl misgendered me all day, sadly.

Did a urine sample. Put all my clothes and my glasses in a basket. They gave me body wipes to clean my arms, legs, front, and back. NOT the genitals. Hair in a net, only tied the top half of the hospital gown. Grippy socks. Laid in the bed with a blanket. It felt very exposed since the curtain didn’t close all the way. I was thankfully in the very very last section so only doctors would have seen me.

Surgeon came in and explained the procedure. She’s explained it several times to me at various appointments. Loved my surgeon, she’s great. Introduced me to the other surgeon, I don’t recall her actual title.

The aesthetician came in and explained I’d be put under with a tube in my throat to help me breathe. He was fun, he introduced himself and jokingly said “don’t worry about it, though, because you’re not going to remember” (after anesthesia). I’m mad bc I remember everything Except his name. It was like, Jesse or Justin or something.

A nurse put in my IV. She rubbed my hand a few times to find a good spot, adjusted my wrist. It sucked. She was very nice it just hurt a Lot. Surgeon talked to me to help distract from the pain.

They gave me a pill and a little water so I wouldn’t spasm during surgery. Also put little wraps on my legs for circulation. Propped me up on the gurney. Put a gel into my nostrils for preventing phlegm, I think. I was wheeled out and I was Out like a light immediately.

Woke up super groggy. It felt Great.

I remember the end of my dream. I was surrounded by cold concrete and I saw a red velvet curtain but it also felt warm and cozy. I vaguely remember other parts of my dream. While I was coming in and out of anesthesia, I said to the new nurse “What a beautiful dream, what a beautiful dream, I had a beautiful dream” and I remember he said something like “Oh that’s nice to hear” while fiddling with my IV and the machines. I also said “I was a vampire who lived a thousand lifetimes in a thousand years”

He asked me several times how my pain was. He was flitting between me and another guy next to be beyond the curtain. My pain grew from 3 to 4 to 5 to 6 as everything started to wear off. Up to even an 8, it started to hurt SO bad. I was sort of babbling, still coming to, and he gave me sips of cold water. My throat was so dry.

Waking up really felt like those movies or TV shows where you’re in the POV of the person and everything has a vignette while they’re blinking and all sounds are both slightly muffled and a little loud. Surprisingly accurate.

A nurse gave me a breathing apparatus, a spirometer. Basically they told me to breathe through and cough so my lungs wouldn’t get infected. This one’s called a Voldyne 4000. My instructions were to inhale through the tube deep, hold it, breathe out, and cough ten times every hour. Then the next few days after do it every 3 hours.

I asked a couple times if I could lay down a bit more and they adjusted the bed a bit.

My hands and feet were super cold. Another nurse put my hands over a tube blowing warm air under the sheet.

First nurse gave me some more pain meds. He was very nice but obviously trying to get me out. When I said my pain was 6 or 7 he said in like, an almost facetious tone “Well if we give you more pain killer you’ll have to stay longer, don’t you want to go home?” Bitch give me the fucking pain killer.

Eventually when to went back down to a 3 or 4 they gave me my clothes and told me to get dressed.

When they left me alone to get dressed, I almost cried. I sort of crawled over the bed. I felt suddenly horribly depressed for no reason. There’s only curtains separating me from the other patients and what helped was a person next to me had a nurse telling them “Hey it’s ok, people cry after waking up from anesthesia all the time, it’s normal. Just let it out ok?”

My legs felt like jelly and I had a bit of trouble putting my clothes back on but I managed. There was blood where I was sitting, I felt blood kind of leak from between my legs and unfortunately stain my underwear. I should have packed extras plus pads. I was put into a little wheelchair, a very interesting design.

Someone told me a special glue was used to close up the incisions and they’ll fall off on their own.

Nurse and friend helped me into the car. Nurse grabbed hold of the back of my hoodie to help me stay upright.

They really do NOT want you to overstay it was kind of annoying how much it felt like they were rushing me out but I Get they have to see other patients to perform surgery on. Maybe there should be a post op waiting room or something.

I got in the car and felt extremely nauseous. Friend gave me a bag and I puked twice. It was bright orange. Not blood, but whatever fluid they put to expand my body. Nurse gave me a set of body wash cloths.

I was super groggy and just stayed in bed for a few hours. I used the spirometer. Used the bathroom several times. Bled a little.

Played telephone tag w the pharmacy to get my prescriptions. Surgeon gave me four pain killers and milk of magnesia in case I get constipated.

Unfortunately the friend I stayed with also misgendered me on accident and also wanted to talk about Harry Potter. She cooked steak and very salty asparagus, but I couldn’t eat it. Tried a granola bar and I couldn’t eat that either. I couldn’t eat anything all day.

She convinced me to get my painkillers moved to a closer pharmacy but doing that made their availability later. We tried to call the original pharmacy but they couldn’t do anything besides start the process over so unfortunately I had no pain killers all day.

I got home, was able to at least get oxycodone and ate some plain rice with it to sleep.

Had a fever of 99.9 and chills for a day and a half. Have to get up and walk around for 20 minutes every few hours to prevent blood clots.

Not allowed to insert anything (no penetrative sex, no tampon, no douching) for 3 months. No heavy lifting over 20 lbs.

I’m allowed to wear a binder bc it helps hold my tummy when I cough.

I have five incisions. No baths, no pools. Showers after a couple days is OK. No scented soaps.

Healing well.

Incisions hurt. A bit of cramping. My clitoris hurt a bit waking up. Nurse said it’s normal for genital pain after a heavy surgery in the lower half of my body.

Different meds make different parts feel better. Oxy makes my whole body feel Great. Also very sleepy. Ibuprofen makes me cramp less. Gabapentin makes the incisions hurt less. Haven’t gotten my acetaminohen yet.

[synchronizedclocksforhospital]

The Ideal School Sound System

A school sound system is designed to attract attention of everyone within earshot through loud noises, thus promoting communication with a mass target market. Sound in the school system may incorporate bells, tone generators, whistles, horns, and anything else that causes interruption. Herein we delve into the requirements and characteristics of such a plan that a person would identify as ideal.

The institution sound system is obviously discovered in essentially every educational setting, though one can see them occasionally in other settings. The vital determiner is generally whether the most reliable channel for reaching people is the feeling of hearing. Also, a vital relevant aspect is the precision and synchronization of all timekeeping gadgets.

From the town crier to the summoning of church bells in the steeple, there is a lengthy tradition of using sound to communicate details to a whole community. A lot of the time that info is just the sharp to "listen up," yet in some cases signals are really inscribed into the sound. An acoustic tool is so reliable because hearing is thought about one of the most delicate sense.

With the years innovative techniques have actually been established to offer definition by varying somehow the audible alerts sent out. The message might be to put together around, to find to church, or to grieve a fatality; however, the basic intent is to have every person stop what they're doing and either take note of something that follows or to take a details action. Then there are the institution bells that supplant pairs, the first suggesting that it's time to switch over class, the second noting when to get quiet and listen to the instructor.

Currently, when bells or tones are played throughout a campus, it is essential that they all seem together in unison. Or else, there might not only be weird stage results causing disorientation, yet confusion could occur over which bell indicates what. A single source of the sharp theoretically eliminates such adverse effects, yet this remedy is impractical when ranges over which it need to lug are too great or its decibel degree comes to be also extreme.

One way to acquire synchronization throughout school is to designate a master clock that itself synchronizes to an atomic clock or network, and after that consequently sets the time for all other wrist watches (and gadgets) in the system. A choice, even more contemporary method is to mount a GPS bell scheduler (a satellite time resource) to synchronize in lockstep all clocks and sound systems. This assists in people movement and likewise acts as a means to schedule statements over a PA system.

Obtaining the synchronizing signal per wrist watch was traditionally accomplished with wires. This functions well, yet one has to incur some setup and upkeep costs. As a matter of fact, you have to expect the entire infrastructure ultimately depreciating into obsolescence.

Nowadays the only means to go is cordless synchronization. This eliminates the wiring expenses, and updating, changing, and replacing facilities parts is reasonably simple. A nice bonus offer is too much loading is not an issue, there is absolutely nothing to impinge on effective procedure, and the number of receptors on the system is endless.

In the early days of cordless transmissions, radio frequency disturbance could be a problem. Today the technology has actually advanced to where this is no more a problem because the systems these days are appointed specialized transmission frequencies.

Using sounds in educational settings has remained to evolve to the point where tone generators are incorporated with the clocks and bells, occasionally with high class. For instance, tonal patterns can be made to convey their own distinct definitions. Administrators have found that with what is readily available today, they have substantial versatility and have the ability to put together the ideal college sound system that benefits them.

synchronized clocks for hospitals

[thoughtsonchronicpain]

8/15/2023 (evening)

I don't think I've mentioned this, but in a shocking turn of events, after over a year of feeling like there's a lump in my throat, the CT scan revealed... drumroll please... that there is a lump in my throat. It looks like it's some sort of thyroid nodule, so I'm going to see an endocrinologist. And after over a year of dealing with near-constant swallowing, I am getting referred to a swallowing specialist.

You may be wondering, why did it take over a year for these things to happen... I guess it's my fault, in a way. The healthcare system sucks in this country, and the only way to receive quality care (besides having the money for it) is to be persistent to the point of being bothersome. I hate being a bother. I hate feeling like I'm inconveniencing people, especially when the only motivation I have to inconvenience someone is my health.

Well, it is these people's jobs to deliver healthcare. So maybe I shouldn't feel like such a bother. But it's hard not to feel annoying when some of the doctors I see make me feel so dismissed.

Probably the most traumatic medical experience I've had was this past spring. Below is part of an email I sent to my gastroenterologist about it:

--------

My experience with the pH test and swallowing study was really, really negative. I couldn't complete the swallowing study because of the extreme pain and discomfort the big catheter caused me. I could not go without swallowing or retching or coughing for more than a couple of seconds so he was unable to get any data. 

I was also visibly upset and uncomfortable during and after he put the smaller catheter in for the pH study. After he put the smaller tube in, he explained how the device worked. I was very obviously crying during this interaction. He then got up and left his office, and then showed the nurse what I had retched up in the sink, and I heard her say, "Damn, I just ate lunch." And they had a bit of a laugh about it.

When the doctor walked out and saw me standing outside he said "You're done. You can go." And pointed me towards the exit. I felt extremely dismissed and neglected when leaving the office. 

The following three hours were terrible. I did not stop crying, and was in constant pain. It got really bad when I moved at all, breathed through my nose, or talked. 

I called your office but you were unavailable so I ended up taking the tube out after about three hours. 

When I went to the office the following day to return the device, the person at reception asked how long I had it in for and I said "three hours because it really hurt." She then commented and laughed that it was a record for how short of a time someone had it in. She told me that most people said it barely bothered them and she had only seen one person who really wanted it out after the full 24 hours. 

I tried to be pleasant but was tearing up. She then went to the doctor to tell him and she came back and said that he wanted to know how my symptom was during the three hours. I said that I couldn't even tell how the globus was because I was just in pain the whole time. 

I was very upset (although maybe not visibly), but was voicing that I had experienced pain due to the study, and was met with jokes and absolutely no concern for my wellbeing whatsoever.

This was extremely invalidating and upsetting. The three hours of pain was awful, and coupled with being dismissed by the staff and doctor made for a very traumatizing experience.

--------

So yeah, that sucked.

Also, the doctor who did the PRP epidural in my lower back (which, in case you are wondering, did absolutely nothing to relieve my pain) was very dismissive.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to explain this well, but basically in the follow up appointment to the epidural, he talked at me about the procedure and how it should/would make me feel better (it hasn't). Whenever I said something about my symptoms since the procedure or about what I've been doing in PT, I felt like I was interrupting him. I could barely get a word in during my appointment to talk about my own body. Whenever I did manage to say something during the appointment, he wouldn't respond to it. He made it seem like I was interrupting him by being like, "Yeah, yeah. As I was saying..." and not acknowledge what I had just said.

I really respect my ENT and know that she is extremely competent, but she sees so many patients that I don't feel attended to, I guess. She seems to rush through our appointments because she's so busy, so I get caught up in that rushed feeling and tend to forget what I need to tell her to get the appointment over with so I don't take up too much of her time.

It sucks that even though I have the necessary resources (both time and money) to see these doctors, it's not enough. In addition to being in constant pain, I feel like I have to actively fight to get my doctors' attention and care. It's definitely not a bad thing that I'm being forced to learn how to be more assertive, but all of this shit still sucks.

[avelera]

Why "Our Flag Means Death" Should Teach Media Creators to Stop Queerbaiting the Fans that Made them Rich

If Our Flag Means Death continues to match and even exceed "Ted Lasso" levels of sleeper-hit/word of mouth popularity, it'll confirm a theory I've had for a long time that Hollywood has vastly underestimated how many of their A-List hit movies and stars rose to mainstream popuarity because of fandom and queer culture.

Like, look, obviously I'm super biased as someone who has been in fandom since I was a pre-teen, but I've strongly believed for some time that shows and actors who really get pushed over the edge from "popular" to "super-duper mega-hit that no one saw coming bonkers fame" often owe their rise to the high-octane energy that comes with fandom and queer people shipping two of the main characters in a same-sex relationship. Some examples:

Xena - As an early example (though honestly, you could put X-Files here as a straight version of the same phenomenon) would we even be hearing about this show today if not for the Xena/Gabrielle shippers? I mean, I'm sure the show was good for some value of 90s episodic action show "good", but I'd be willing to put a significant amount of money down that queer kids suddenly realizing something about themselves and going absolutely apeshit over those two gave it popularity and longevity other similar shows in its genre did not enjoy.

Supernatural - I mean, need I say more? Urban fantasy/horror shows are a dime a dozen-plus it's literally one of dozens of procedural shows with arguably the only unique quality in the first season being it's a couple hot guys with a muscle car. But add the early Sam/Dean shippers and the later frothing fandom around the Destiel will they/won't they shipping and you have a season count and popularity that dwarfs other similar shows in its class.

BBC Sherlock - literally catapulted Martin Freeman and the now ubiquitous, Oscar-nominated Hollywood darling Benedict Cumberbatch from near-obscurity to absolutely dizzying levels of fame. After that show, A-List directors like Peter Jackson had to wait their turn to get these guys into their movies. Sure, S1 Sherlock was fresh and cool in ways that should be appreciated but I don't think I'm being a totally biased fangirl to say what fueled the word-of-mouth insanity over the show was fans hoping John and Sherlock would end up together, especially given early buzz and interviews with the creators that intimated that they were more open to the idea than many past reimaginers of Sherlock Holmes.

"But Avelera," you might say, "Didn't these shows queerbait the shit out of their audiences? Didn't they basically drop breadcrumbs through their episodes and interviews teasing queer people with the possibility of these couples going canon and then openly laugh at them when they got their hopes up?"

Yeah! And that's what actually makes me a little insane about all this! For the longest time it felt like shows like BBC Sherlock and Supernatural in particular were aware of the fact that some percentage of the fandom driving their shows into popularity and their actors into worldwide recognition did so because of slash shipping, but for some fucking baffling reason they decided that the straight cis male audience was the one they couldn't risk alienating! Now, sure, I know straight cis men who were fans of Sherlock and Supernatural but let me tell you, those guys weren't watching that show 100x in a row! They weren't signing petitions for more seasons or evangelizing it to everyone they met. They watched the show, liked it well enough, and moved on. Plenty of shows appeal to just those guys and get canceled after a couple seasons, and yet they're still treated as some kind of gold standard for the audience to chase.

So it was kind of insanely infuriating to have these creators openly laugh at the slash fans that, it was my suspicion, weren't just a portion of their fanbase but actually driving the engagement. And where I get especially insane is my conviction that these creators just didn't have the data at their disposal to really understand that the people they were mocking weren't an audience they could risk throwing away. They were still so entrenched in the idea of keeping the mainstream happy and the idea that the mainstream preferred shallow straight relationships over the main shipped pair getting together that they treated their core base as the aberrant fringe and the aberrant fringe who really wouldn't even notice if they got canceled as if it was the core base.

Because who the fuck was watching Supernatural after however goddamn many seasons except insane shipper fans holding out a shred of hope that once the mainstream lost interest they might get more than scraps off the table? Who was clamoring for multiple seasons of Sherlock on the promise that they might see some fulfillment? Who still remembers Xena fondly and not just as some silly mindless 90s show? It's the queer/fandom fans, I truly believe this even if it might just be me seeing everything through the lens of being in that subculture.

There is no more talk about making BBC Sherlock after the final spitting in the face of the queer fans that the last season did, the fans burnt out on getting strung along. Even shows that are more queer-friendly but still resist onscreen confirmation (Good Omens you are on thin fucking ice but I'll give you S2 to stop dancing around the issue trying to appease all your perceived audiences) are seeing frustration directed towards them. Queer/fandom audiences are exhausted with being laughed at and jerked around and treated like the minority audience when they are in fact what drive these shows to worldwide recognition. They're not a bellwether or jumping on the wagon, they are the core audience.

And I think, if Our Flag Means Death continues to triumph in popularity, it will finally provide some quantification for exactly how much queer and fandom audiences really can be the difference between a show that's just one of many in its genre as far as audience engagement goes and shows that suddenly shoot into the stratosphere through word of mouth popularity. Sure, there will still be non-fandom, non-queer mega-hits that do very well too on sheer strength of quality and freshness (for example, Ted Lasso), but as an audience to aim to please instead of the one you just aim to string along so you can have your cake and eat it too, I hope OFMD serves as some kind of awakening.

[getvalentined]

The lab results came back with a low chance of the condition we were so afraid of, meaning she's at the vet right now for surgery. If all goes well she'll be coming out of anesthesia around 2:00-2:30PM, and we should be able to pick her up around 4:30PM, but it depends on what they find out once they have her opened up. The important thing is that she actually has a chance to pull through, and we're able to take it.

Thank you all so much for the support. Between Kid and myself we have hopefully raised enough to cover the procedure. We won't know the final cost until we go to pick her up, but we should hopefully be in the clear.

I'm putting the more grisly details of the situation under a cut so that I don't have to keep explaining it individually, and so people know what we're dealing with.

Trigger warnings for graphic medical topics, terminal illness in cats, and the discussion thereof.

Basically, Turtle has an infection of the uterus that has caused it to swell with fluid so much that it's literally crushing her other organs. In her x-rays, we were able to see that her GI tract has been shoved up into her ribs. The reason she went downhill so quickly is because the pressure grew so severe that it all but blocked her GI tract entirely, making it impossible for her to eat or drink, leading to severe dehydration, which would have killed her faster than the infection.

The fear was that this was caused by Feline Infectious Peritonitis (FIP), which is a rare post-viral condition born from feline coronavirus (unrelated to covid, a "coronavirus" refers to a specific shape of viral cell) that presents in less than 12% of cats who contract FCov and less than 1% of cats altogether, based on a myriad of poorly-understood factors including everything from spending more than two hours outside per day to, more specifically, genetic predisposition. Some cats will get FIP if they get FCov, no matter what, whereas others will not. FIP is incurable, terminal, and agonizing.

(As a note for anyone worried about our other cats, in spite of the word "infectious" being in the name, FIP is not contagious in the traditional sense. FCov is, which can then develop into FIP based on those complicated factors mentioned, but this specific disease is not actually contagious.)

If Turtle has FIP, it won't matter if we take the infected uterus out, because the condition is already eating her liver and her heart. It will travel up into her eyes and brain, and she will die in horrific pain in a matter of weeks. The problem is that there is no single test to screen for FIP with 100% accuracy; the titer can be inconclusive, with some cats presenting no response having the condition, and others presenting very high response having no symptoms whatsoever and living for decades after screening.

Turtle's FIP titer came back just below the lowest diagnostic generally considered positive. So there's a chance that she has it, but her liver function seems to be good, her heart seems to be all right, and her breathing is clear, so there's also a chance that we can save her by taking out the infected organ—if we move fast. The vet would have preferred to take her into surgery the same day we initially brought her in, but had to wait for the FIP screening to come back and assure that we weren't fighting against a condition with a 100% mortality rate within weeks of presentation, and for Turtle to hopefully build up enough strength to even survive the procedure.

She's been on antibiotics and an appetite stimulant since Tuesday, and she's managed to get back a fair amount of energy, although obviously she's not putting weight back on very quickly. She was still moving pretty gingerly even this morning, but she's moving, which in and of itself is a good sign. She's still been slower and more lethargic than usual, but she did sneak into the studio to steal Babygirl Seem's hard food yesterday, in spite of having the exact same food in her own bowl, so that's a particularly good sign. If she's doing well enough to be a brat, she's obviously feeling better.

The biggest question right now is what they're going to find when they open her up. If it's not just her uterus, if the inflammation has done too much damage, or if she hasn't built up enough strength in these past few days, we may still lose her. But we have a chance, and we're fucking taking it.

@getvalentined

Pardon if I'm scarce for a bit, one of our cats (Turtle, the eldest) is very sick. Don't want to talk about the details, but she's a really good cat. She's been a really good cat.

Tagging myself so I can reblog and add to this if necessary: @getvalentined

[mycptsdrecovery]

To the person who sent this ask:

https://at.tumblr.com/mycptsdrecovery/hi-im-sorry-to-ask-this-really-because-it-feels/fepccd6vfm9e

So first off I want to apologize because this message is probably gonna fuck your shit up a little bit. But for me at least, clarity brought peace. I hope this helps you put the pieces together and can bring you some comfort to know that you are not alone, what happened to you was very real and incredibly traumatic, and that you are incredibly strong for living through that. You’re obviously very smart and you’re asking the right questions- keep it up.

I read your post and I know exactly what happened to you. You had a VCUG. I had it done too, multiple times when I was 3. It took me literally 20 fucking years to figure out what that was and what happened to me. When I read the Wikipedia page, it was like I got hit in the head with a brick so brace yourself before you look it up. The procedure has literally every characteristic of a sexual assault, and I have lifelong sexual trauma from it. It’s used as a tool in research for studying memory related to CSA, because ofc you can’t abuse children to get data- but the VCUG is “medically necessary.” I think it’s almost worse in a way because it’s more like a gang rape WHILE YOUR PARENT IS WATCHING, and you’re not even seen has an object of attraction- it’s dehumanizing, and the denial of autonomy over your own body has serious, long term effects. It set me up for a lifetime of other sexual trauma- by the time I was 6 I was already showing hypersexual behavior. I never learned how to set any boundaries. Period. If you learn as a child that you don’t even have privacy *in the bathroom by yourself*, layered with the confusion and embarrassment of the experience (I was being potty trained, and then all of a sudden I’m in a radiology room and my mom is telling me I have to pee on this table in front of all these people??) seriously fucked me up, at least.

I spent literally my entire life not knowing why I was so fucked up, not knowing why I was so deeply traumatized when nothing (that I knew of) happened to me. It’s agony, and I blamed myself and lost myself in addiction and anorexia. Funnily enough, Ive always gravitated towards people who had serious childhood trauma. I’d hear their stories, and understand the feelings, but I never had a “story” of my own. It made me feel like an imposter, because it wasn’t like I got raped by a family member or something more “textbook”. Nobody talks about VCUG trauma even though thousands of kids go through this every year. It’s a faceless trauma, there’s nobody to blame (which makes it even more difficult to cope with imo)

There’s like one (1) support group on Reddit with 70 members, which is the largest to my knowledge. I was thinking of maybe starting a blog because there’s a lot of older people on reddit (like 5-10 yrs older than me at least) and I think that growing up Online with that trauma and 24/7 access to violent adult content is a totally different experience. But all of the emotions they talk about are the same, I’ve always kinda felt like nobody could understand what it’s like to be in my head, but reading that subreddit made me realize that I’m not The Most Fucked Up Person Who Has Ever Lived. And I learned how the trauma has formed every facet of my personality. Like I’m an anxious control freak who feels no sense of ownership over my body- surely that has nothing to do with this foundational traumatic memory of being denied control over my most basic bodily functions, right? Much to think about lol

You’re not crazy, and what you went through is unfortunately very real. I’m assuming that you’re still a teenager or a very young adult so you may not have gotten a yeast infection since you were a kid, but I think that the white stuff/medicine you were describing was monistat for a yeast infection. It’s a suppository, so there’s a like plastic plunger you put this white egg on, and then you put it in your vagina and push it up to your cervix, and the medicine leaks out over the course of a couple days. So it doesn’t surprise me at all that you would remember that, someone put a foreign object inside of you that was itchy and gross.

And for the record, your parents are *Very* Bad At Boundaries!!! If they can’t be the adults and set healthy boundaries, you have to. Its perfectly okay to say “I don’t want to talk about that” or “you’re making me uncomfortable, please stop touching me”. You didn’t have a voice when you were a kid, but you have one now. Trust me, I know it’s fucking scary and feels impossible- but do it once, and you’ll be hooked on the feeling forever.

I figured everything out last year (I’m about to turn 24), and I’ve been in therapy which has been super helpful. For me at least, EMDR has really been great for reprocessing those memories, and so has hypnotherapy exercises for being able to get into my subconscious. If you’re gonna look for one, you need a trauma specialist. Don’t fuck around with like a school counselor who mainly does “I’m depressed sometimes” therapy. If you’re anything like me, you need Serious Help.

I love you internet stranger- everything’s gonna be okay. You’re not alone, and it is possible to heal ❤️ I hope this brings you some peace

.

[random-thought-depository]

Idea for a story I should write someday: a story kind of like the Babylon 5 episode Believers, but it’s obliquely referencing the continuity of consciousness arguments about uploading and teleportation.

The story’s equivalent of Shon is an alien from an intelligent species for whom unconsciousness is naturally super-rare; they don’t sleep, and they have a highly redundant nervous system that makes them very resistant to being “knocked out” by blunt force trauma or drugs. As a result, this species has developed philosophical arguments that a continuous stream of consciousness is constitutive of identity, and hence to lose consciousness is to die, and if somebody loses consciousness and then wakes up later that person has died and a new person who happens to have their memories has awakened in their body. This perspective is intuitive to them, in the same way “if somebody creates a perfect copy of you and then immediately kills the original you, you have died” is intuitive to us, and it’s the view of multiple mainstream religions and philosophies on their world. Their equivalents of the words awake and alive are more-or-less synonyms, their word for being born roughly translates as “awaken,” and their word for death roughly translates as “the cessation of movement and thought” (maybe they classify sessile organisms like plants and fungi as not alive, in the same way we classify viruses as not alive?).

Obviously, one consequence of this is that most surgeries in their society are done with local anesthetic, with the patient being carefully kept awake (”alive”) the whole time. But in this case a child of this species has an illness or injury that will definitely kill them (in the uncontroversial sense of the concept) if it isn’t remedied with an operation that definitely will result in a period of unconsciousness. And the story centers on a human doctor trying to convince the child and their parents that what they’re proposing will save the child’s life instead of just killing them and replacing them with a different person.

The take a third option happy ending would be that the doctor manages to find a way to do the operation while keeping the child conscious the whole time, but I think I prefer something a bit more bittersweet. So I’m thinking maybe they try something like that, and it works in the sense that the child physically survives and is fine, but it fails in that the child loses consciousness for a few minutes during the operation so the parents see them as having died.

Oh, they don’t filicide their own child like in the B5 episode or anything like that. They don’t think they’re an abomination or anything like that. They just think their child has died and been replaced with something like an identical twin. While unconsciousness is very rare among them, there have been cases throughout their history, and their culture has developed procedures for it. When a person dies and a new person awakens in their body, the new person is given a name (different from that of the original inhabitant of their body) and their equivalent of a baptism. The family of body’s previous inhabitant may adopt them. If they’re married, the spouse of their body’s previous inhabitant may marry them. They may adopt the children of their body’s previous inhabitant. They inherent the personal property of their body’s previous inhabitant, but they are not responsible for any debts and crimes of the previous inhabitant of their body, which are considered to belong to the dead person. The “dead” inhabitant of their body is given a funeral, with a small effigy of wood or wax buried or burned as a corpse would be. The “dead” inhabitant of their body is then given the same daily prayers for the dead as other dead immediate family members.

So, before the operation the child prepares for the possibility that they might lose consciousness by writing a letter to the inheritor of their body saying something like “Please don’t feel bad about inheriting my body, you didn’t ask for this, it isn’t your fault.” After the operation the child is given a new name and their equivalent of a new baptism and adopted into the family, as a foundling would be, and is introduced to their sibling as a new member of the family who happens to look like the dead sibling. The child inherits the personal property of the “dead” child, in this case a few toys and video games and the like. The parents arrange for their “new” child’s education to continue where the “dead” child’s left off, as they share the same memories (when they go back to their school - which is a small “neighborhood” school run by and for the community of their species on the space station the story takes place on - they are introduced to their classmates as a new student). The “new” child participates in the funeral of the “dead” child and before every evening meal participates in the daily prayers for the dead, in which the “dead” child is mentioned by name as other dead immediate family members are. The “new” child will celebrate their birthday on the anniversary of the operation, and the day of the operation will be counted as the day of their birth (“awakening”). Basically, the parents are as nice about the whole thing as they can be, but they really believe that they’ve lost a child and gained a new one (through no fault of the new child!), and they and the rest of their immediate community act accordingly.

Some time later the human doctors gets invited to participate in some sort of ceremony for the “new” child, formal acknowledgment of them having finished memorizing some sacred scripture in their school or something like that. They give the human doctor the role in the ceremony that the midwife who assisted in the child’s birth would normally have.

---------------

Some peripheral notes for this concept:

In the setting of this story, humans are a relatively minor race; Earth is an unusually densely populated world, but on the periphery of known space and relatively backward, humans only developed a high-tech civilization recently and haven’t spread out much and are a small percentage of known space’s population. The human doctor is one of the few humans on a trade hub space station, or at least one of the few humans who’s part of the official staff; most of the humans there are part of the station’s working/lower class, a mix of low-level maintenance and dock workers, small-time shopkeepers, entertainers and service workers of various sorts, homeless people, and petty criminals (with a fair amount of fluidity between those classes).

Sleep is a weird thing humans do in this setting; it’s unique to humans (and other Earth animals), other intelligent species don’t need it or do it. However, most intelligent species don’t have the “unconsciousness = death” belief, because while most intelligent species don’t sleep they are more familiar with unconsciousness as a semi-normal thing from people passing out drunk, getting knocked out in a brawl, etc.. Maybe there’s even one or two intelligent species who don’t sleep regularly but can hibernate in periods of resource scarcity like bears or go into torpor if the temperature gets too low (common alien words for human sleep might translate to things like “micro-hibernation” and “false thermocoma”). It’s just this one species for whom unconsciousness is naturally super-rare so their culture developed in a context where it was some extraordinary, freakish, even eldritch-seeming thing.

In this context, the human doctor experiences some of the limitations of humans as something a lot like a disability. She can’t regularly work the 20+ hour shifts that are normal for her colleagues, because she needs to sleep. She needs more time off than most of her colleagues, because normal alien schedules are made around the assumption of effectively having an extra eight hours every day to get stuff done. Because the aliens are active 24 hours, most intelligent species have much better night vision than humans, so to save on energy and burned out light bulb equivalents the common area and default lighting on the space station is what a human experiences as semi-darkness. She wears basically night vision goggles most of the time to be able to easily work in what the aliens consider normal indoor lighting conditions. A lot of the alien tools and furniture are the wrong size and shape for her, and she gets a friend in the station’s machine shop to recut and otherwise modify a lot of the medical tools for her. Humans are relatively unusual in the wider galaxy and kind of funny looking even by the standards of a relatively cosmopolitan multi-species society (the more typical body plans for an intelligent species are “six-limbed quadruped with four legs and two arms” and “kind of like a theropod dinosaur”), so common alien furniture is really not built for her (the human sitting posture is super-weird and freaky by alien standards, they tend to get uncomfortable just looking at it), and she gets kind of a lot of people (especially children) staring at her and wanting to touch various parts of her and so on, but it’s mostly benign curiosity. She’s uncomfortably aware that she’s a “diversity hire” (the alien polity that runs the station likes to hire members of their various allied and subject races to give them a sense of inclusion) and that a lot of people kind of resent having to do all these accommodations for her instead of just hiring a normal person.

The family of the sick child actually have a kind of parallel experience. Their world is even more marginal and peripheral than Earth and they’re a small minority in the galactic population, and the space station was built by and primarily for beings smaller than them so they have to deal with a lot of uncomfortably small tools and furniture and spaces or stick to special areas and facilities for bigger beings. This is a universe where big alien theory is true, so they’re actually more-or-less average size for an intelligent species, but the most numerous races are around human size so around human size is what gets treated as normal size for a person to be. Note: around human size with quadrupedal or theropod-like body plans translates to the human doctor has to stoop to fit inside a lot of small corridors built for beings substantially shorter than humans, but thankfully the station is designed for a cosmopolitan crowd so at least the bigger public spaces are sized to be accessible to beings up to approximately the size of large sauropod dinosaurs (and the water-filled sections for water/ocean-dwellers are designed to be accessible to even bigger beings).

---------------

Rough draft/outline for some lines in a conversation that would happen in this story:

Human doctor: I sleep every day. Well, almost every day, anyway. <Laughs a little, then turns serious> Do you think I die every time I go to sleep? Do you think the version of me you talked to yesterday is dead, and I’m... What, the latest in a line of thousands of doppelganger-clones of [her name]?

Alien parent: I... <uncomfortable pause> My partner holds it as a matter of faith that is works differently for Humans, because the Makers would not be so cruel as to create a race that is born in the morning, lives one day, dies that night, passes their body on to a new person who continues their errands and then dies in turn the next night. But I’m a rationalist, and... <uncomfortable pause and squirming> ... If you really look at nature, you see a multitude of horrors. The buzzer-fly’s young tear it apart from inside and eat its corpse. Nature is amoral. I can believe nature would create such a thing as an intelligent race that lives one day. I... Honestly, I try to not think about it much, to preserve my sanity.

Human doctor: I slept last night. I don’t feel like I died. I feel like I’m the same person I was yesterday.

Alien parent: Suppose this question had an objective and testable answer, and it was that I was right. Suppose I could show you I was right, as I could show my ancestors the Red Thirst with a microscope and say “See, it is not a curse, it is a thing like a tiny plant, that gets inside you and grows inside you like a strangling vine.” What would you do? How would you react to knowing that you have hours to live, that you were born this morning and will die tonight and are but one in a long chain of inhabitants of your body who lived only one day, and your whole race is like that?”

Human doctor: <thinks about it for a moment> “I think I’d find some way to tell myself that it wasn’t true, that you were wrong, and then I wouldn’t think about it much, to preserve my sanity.”

Alien parent: “For what it’s worth, I really hope it doesn’t actually work like that. But I’m not willing to gamble my child’s life on ‘I really hope it doesn’t actually work like that.’”

-----------------

On that note: at some point the parents see the human doctor while she’s dozing at work and it’s intensely disturbing and creepy to them. An unconscious person is disturbing to them in the same way fantasy undead would be disturbing to humans: they’re simultaneously dead and alive in a way that seems unnatural in the sense people use when they use that term to refer to something horrible. I think I might have some fun describing human sleep in a way that channels a Lovecraft protagonist: “Alive, yet not alive. Clearly dead, but stirred by inward motion.”

It’s more logical when you remember that their language uses a lot of the same or similar words for life and consciousness and for death and unconsciousness. Like, yes, she is indeed [alive/awake] but not [alive/awake], clearly [unawake] but moving a little, those are totally factual observations, I’m just translating the emotional charge they’d have for these people.

One of these poor people would probably have a breakdown when they see their own child in that state on the operating table. :(

On a lighter note, there’d be comic relief potential in this too:

Alien child: “Are they dead?”

Alien parent: “Kind of, but it’s not as big a problem for them as it is for us.”

And also tragicomedy potential: at one point the alien child asks the human doctor what death is like, saying she should know since she dies every day.

Tangential note: I’m thinking the alien child’s race is hermaphroditic, in which case it’d be appropriate to use gender-neutral pronouns for them ... and they probably wouldn’t have a concept of gender (except insofar as they might have learned that some other species have such concepts), so it would make sense for them to use gender-neutral language when they talk about humans among themselves too; their language wouldn’t have gendered pronouns except maybe specifically as a device adopted for being polite to certain aliens when you talk to them. Not sure how I’d handle pronouns for hermaphroditic aliens in a story.

-----------------

Other character concepts for this story:

When it comes to having to deal with a station built by and for beings that have rather different bodies than you, the human doctor is lucky compared to her colleague and best friend, a giant whale-like being who does most of their work through teleoperation while sitting in basically a giant swimming pool.

This person’s homeworld is a cold planet almost entirely covered by ocean; only a few almost totally barren tiny islands rise above an otherwise uninterrupted sea so deep it drowns all but the very highest mountain peaks (with so little land, multicellular life on this world has never left the sea). Their species (which is hermaphroditic, hence the choice of pronoun) is very much like the filter-feeding whales of Earth. Evolution of their intelligence probably was driven more by social selection than intrinsic stimulation of their watery world; they live their life by The Game, a complex and ever-shifting web of relationships that determines social status, access to resources, and mating opportunities, and that contributes to their survival. They are highly intelligent (their brain probably weighs more than you do!), and they might have tentacles or a manipulatory tongue or something, but before known space society found them and offered them access to space travel their watery world offered them little opportunity to develop technology. It’s unknown how long they’ve been sapient, but their oral history includes accounts of an asteroid impact that happened several million years ago.

This character thinks most of their people are good-natured but provincial. They’re good folks, but once you’ve gotten through the latest permutations of The Game and last year’s migrations and the plan for next year’s migrations and what the krill tastes like in various places these days the conversation tends to just kind of drift there like a sea-plant. They remember the 74th year of their life; the most interesting thing that happened that year was their pod passed close to an island. Why, on Earth, that was the year humans sent their first crewed expedition to Mars! They left their world to find a more interesting life.

They can use their powerful sonar to “see” inside their patients and still swear by this vs. the more advanced high-tech instruments.

--

The case of the sick child ends up involving a lawyer. He’s a member of another minor species of known space society, an arboreal intelligent species that originally inhabited the forests of a humid world. The evolution of intelligence in his species was driven mostly by social and sexual selection, like the whale people but moreso. His species is highly intelligent, but mostly uninterested in physical problems; in their original society most of their intelligence was focused on socialization, mating strategies, and art (the art was part of the socialization and mating strategies). When wider known space society found them, they were living as hunter-gatherers with a rich artistic tradition but a Stone Age level of technology. Examination of their world’s fossil record indicated that they had existed at that level for over a hundred million years. However, once integrated into a high-tech interstellar society, they became very successful as artists, lawyers, politicians, and business people, and can be found in those professions in numbers greatly disproportionate to their percentage of known space’s population. He is colorful and beautiful, like a peacock, and for the same reason.