#because guess what? not only am I an alien. a transgender kid with depression and a mutant squid but i am also a PIRATE NOW.

[grimzeyedits]

Trans Omori/Sunny stimboard for me with themes of headspace and cats because these kinfirms don't stop comin (and they don't stop comin and they don't stop comin and they don't stop comin and th /ref).

Don't tag as F/O or genderbend, everything else is fine.

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[8/???]

[wndrbrh]

Alright where do I even start...

I guess this song is the best place to start:

I’m bi and I’m also transgender. I was unfortunately born male and I haven’t started transitioning yet mostly because I’m scared as hell to talk to family about it. As of when I’m writing this, I’m 26 and when I was 24 (about two years ago) I finally had the words to explain the feelings I’ve had most of my life and realized that I wasn’t alone. I read a coming out post of a competitive WoW raider and realized I felt exactly the same way. I read her post several times and realized a lot of the same pain and frustration she went through was something I was also going through. I started to realize why I’d felt depressed and uncomfortable for years and then tried to hide it all again. I’m really good at hiding how I feel and all I’ve managed to do is torture myself. Basically for as long as I can remember, I’ve been envious of girls for reasons I never really understood. Their clothes. Their hair. Their bodies. The things they were allowed to do that I wasn’t because I was born male. Their voices. Even things like how they could be mothers and the bond that exists between mother and child. The fact that they were allowed to express themselves and their emotions. I longed to be one and didn’t know that was an option and that transitioning even existed. I’d pray to wake up one day as a girl either because God answered my prayer or decided to punish me. I’d make wishes for it to happen. I even wanted aliens to abduct me and either put my mind/brain in a girl’s body or mess up on some experiment turning me permanently female. I remember asking my mom when I was like 7 about when my breasts would grow in and was devastated to learn that boys didn’t develop breasts. Privately I’d pretend to be a girl at times. Sometimes this involved wearing the few articles of women’s clothing I’d gotten my hands on. Wanting to dress as a girl and act as one goes back at least to when I was in pre-school. I convinced my godmother to let me wear a dress once when I was little. I fucking loved it. I’d always figured I was a boy because I had short hair and wore the boy’s uniform. Girls had long hair and wore the girl’s uniform. Gender and sex were foreign concepts to me until middle school. I never had siblings. I knew I was treated differently from my female peers and I didn’t really understand why until middle school. I don’t think it was until 5th grade that I realized boys and girls had different plumbing down there. In 5th grade, I became obsessed with wanting to wear the girl’s uniform and cross-dressing. It came out of nowhere. It was intense. I was super ashamed of myself for it and frustrated that I couldn’t just wear whatever I actually wanted. This went on through most of middle school. I hid it pretty well. I got caught by my dad once and he never said anything to the day he died. I’d still find myself pretending to be a girl at times at home and it bringing me a lot of happiness. Again, I’d just feel shame. I had little interest to be in a relationship, which brought about a lot of teasing about being gay from classmates and their parents. My grandfather apparently was convinced I was gay until I started dating in college. My best friend from kindergarten through middle school was a girl. I was constantly walked over by the other guys in my class. The school didn’t like girls and boys interacting as much anymore. PE became a segregated activity. The envy and other feelings only grew worse until I got to high school. I went to an all guy’s high school. Since all of my classmates were male, I didn’t have that constant reminder which helped for a while. I’d still find myself wanting to cross-dress at home. I still was ashamed of it. It never really helped. All it did was point out to me exactly what I’m not. In college, I had the same issue and had to hide it from my girlfriend. When she caught me with some stuff once, she thought that I might be gay and absolutely lost her shit. She calmed down. Eventually she got pregnant and we got married. We’ve been together 7 years and 5 of being married. I adore her and my son. In high school and college, I found myself playing video games a lot more. Especially ones where I could customize a character. World of Warcraft was the first time I made a female character in a game and realized how much happier I was when the world saw me as a girl. I was a sophomore in High School when this started. I was finally able to express my personality fully even if it was online over text chat. People saw me as a girl and it made me insanely happy. I got outed in the guild I was in when a RL friend told the guild I was a guy. I didn’t do it to catfish anyone. As a matter of fact the person who was most upset was a girl who was sad to find out that I wasn’t actually female. I didn’t understand why this caused me so much grief and anxiety at the time, but it did. I quit WoW until senior year because I had an unhealthy relationship with the game. I played other games and picked female characters when I could again not understanding why it just felt right to do. I got shit for it A LOT by my male class mates. It fucking sucked, but I’d tell them to fuck off and it solved it for a while. It helped somewhat. I still didn’t know why I was doing it or why it just felt so right to do. I started playing WoW again and found myself not being open about being male and just passing myself off as a girl to the guild I’d joined. No voice chat, no questions. When my HS buddy wanted me to join his guild to raid, I was scared. I played a female human mage named Merrissa at the time. I had people on my friends list who figured I was female. I joined a guild that would require me to use Ventrilo and I didn’t know how to tell them I was a guy. Well my friend got one of the officers to mess with me and hit on me, which was a weird experience but I somewhat got over it. That officer was one of the first people I told about this and has been one of the most supportive people in this whole situation. I told my HS buddy too and he wasn’t that surprised! He’d seen me playing female characters in games for so long it wasn’t a shock to him. 

After a while when I first realized all of this, I managed to talk to my mom about it. It didn’t go well. She was initially supportive and wanted me to talk to someone, but when I dove into the “this is something I’ve wanted for a long time and didn’t realize was an option” aspect of it I got called crazy. Add to this that I’m married and have a kid…I got anxious. I started to hate myself and try to bottle this all back up. It didn’t really work…and then my dad died and for a year I was so pissed off that this issue didn’t really pop up much until February of 2017 when without prompting I was right back where I started. It got so bad I decided to pursue antidepressants in the hopes that this was just my being depressed messing with me. Well that wasn’t the case. With the depression and anxiety lifted, I was still left with a profound sense of discomfort not just with my body but also with my role in society and being a guy. I really don’t like being a guy and I never have. I just dealt with for as long as I could. I can’t anymore. I’m at that point, but I’m so scared to do anything. I want to resolve this with my family before I go to a therapist so I can actually transition, but fear is bad. Fear of losing my wife who I love tremendously. I’m lost as hell right now waking up everyday with intense dysphoria and not being able to tell family. The good thing is that I’ve got a few friends I’ve talked to about this who have been more than supportive. Just being able to get these feelings out and talk about them has helped me a lot. I don’t feel like I’m just crazy anymore. Like I’m losing my mind. I’ve realized I am torturing myself by not dealing with my dysphoria. Hopefully I’ll be strong enough to talk to family soon.

-Marissa (aka Wndrbrh) And how I feel after typing this all out:

[doorstoplord]

I am trans, I’m being abused.

I know I’ve talked about it before just sort’ve... in passing but I feel like I sort’ve need to put this off my chest because it’s sitting on me pretty heavily.

On this transgender day of visibility I’m showing my abuse because I cannot hide it anymore. I cannot act like I’m fine and this didn’t and doesn’t happen. You’re free to not believe me. But I need this out in the open.

The first and probably most obvious thing about me is that I’m a trans man. I’ve identified as male for a little over a year now, but haven’t been able to transition much further than having people call me Oliver and the correct pronouns and buying a binder I... honestly hardly wear. I’d love to have top surgery and go on T, but I’m currently on my parents insurance so I can’t do that. 

My parents have abused me, and will likely continue to abuse me until I leave my home for good. Often the nature of my abuse (which includes gaslighting) makes it difficult to remember specific times and events that were abusive, but I’m... fairly certain it happened. 

I may be wrong but I feel like lot of people look at me with skepticism and doubt when I say I was abused. I guess this is my response to that. I realize I don’t HAVE to prove that I was abused, but I ... I feel like I have to. For myself. Because for me it often doesn’t seem real. It seems like when people look at me they roll their eyes and say “Parents are just like that.”

As far as physical abuse goes there... often isn’t much in the way of what you’d usually assume. I guess this is why people don’t believe me. I was spanked frequently as a child, sometimes with a plank of wood. I’ve been shoved to the floor as recently as a year ago. I’ve been blocked from escaping conversations I didn’t want to take part in. I’ve been forced to eat things I didn’t want to when I was in extreme distress. (Not like a “finish your peas” type thing. Like my dad angrily shoved his meal onto my plate in addition to mine because I had thought he’d taken too much, then my parents forced me to eat all of it. I couldn’t because I lost my appetite and I was crying.) And that one time where for a week I was made to bathe out of a sink because I was showering too long. I didn’t realize that was a fucked up thing until I told a friend like “haha, i was a terrible kid” and they were like “no... that’s actually really fucked up.” 

Most of my abuse was in the form of emotional and verbal abuse and neglect. My parents, mostly my dad, will get into arguments with me and won’t let me leave until I agree with him. If I run to my room he follows me and continues to yell at me. He’s shown no sympathy for anxiety attacks or depression describing me as selfish, lazy, and hysterical. When I argue he won’t take me just saying “this has happened,” he asks for specific times, specific places, specific sources, otherwise it didn’t happen. Sometimes even then, it didn’t happen.

When I came home from the hospital after my first serious suicide attempt, he asked what he could do to make sure it didn’t happen again. I said, “Please be patient with me,” and his immediate retort was, “Oh, so I’m not supposed to expect anything from you?” Like I was trying to weasle out of responsibility. 

He’s poked at my weight and appearance quite often, citing that “other people won’t like you” or “other people will think you’re not professional.” He claims it’s out of love, that he doesn’t want me to be treated the way he was treated. But he’s the only one treating me this way. 

He is neither supportive of my sexuality or gender, believing it’s sinful and unnatural and that I’m only depressed because I’m trying so hard to be something I’m not. He calls me a “transgendered” when I’ve told him not to, and he yelled at me for telling him not to. My mother has pretty openly said I’m going to hell. They consistently deadname me and call me she despite knowing I’m going by Oliver and he/him pronouns. They’ve attempted to alienate me from people who support me by telling me, “People will tell you what you want to hear, they don’t ACTUALLY care.”

I could probably go on for a while about the things my parents have said to me and at me, the times they’ve shouted me into suicide and how I’m so terrified of them that when i do try to commit suicide I don’t call 911 because I don’t want them to be angry at me and to berate me and thump their goddamn bibles at me again and again.

It’s terrible. It’s.... It’s not good. 

This is why I’m trying to leave my home. I’m not financially in a place that I can do this yet, but that’s why I’m doing the fundraiser and the like. I feel like I’m not asking for much. I want a job, any job that will keep me comfortably in my tiny apartment with my dog, who’s training to be a service animal to help with my anxiety and depression.

Please. Please help me.