#because he thinks autistic people are just. nonfunctional????

[aceredshirt13]

So, upon my friend's recommendation, I recently finished playing The Lost Files of Sherlock Holmes: The Case of the Serrated Scalpel, an old point-and-click DOS game that was quite fun and and had some banging chiptuneish music. (Where else could I watch Holmes down two pints in two seconds, ask for another one until Watson stops him, and then immediately bribe every single criminal in the entire pub for information? It's an experience.) As such, I went to download the sequel, The Case of the Rose Tattoo, and found a comment beneath it that I find... baffling, to say the least.

…You mean to tell me that you believe modern depictions of Sherlock Holmes are too autistic? Sherlock Holmes?? The same Sherlock Holmes whose original stories have countless bodies of academic text dedicated to discussing him as an early and extremely prominent depiction of autism? The same Sherlock Holmes that from every adaptation I had ever seen from the moment I even knew what autism was, I thought, "oh he is definitely autistic" before I even knew I was autistic?? If they're playing Rose Tattoo, that suggests they likely also played Serrated Scalpel, and let me tell you I did not get neurotypical vibes from Holmes's depiction in that game, either. A neurotypical Sherlock Holmes is like... just not Sherlock Holmes. If you take that away from him, he is no longer himself. And the media illiteracy to assume otherwise is truly astounding.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Not really a question but I just need to say this to someone who will understand. Also, people have asked you questions what a meltdown looks like. So this is mine, one of the worst I've ever had in my adult life.

I'm 40 years old and am so good at masking that I wasn't diagnosed as autistic until my mid-30s. Normally, I can blend into most social situations. However, I have been in constant pain for 2 months due to a medical issue, and the exhaustion of pain that will never stop has eroded away all the mask. I am now 100% Naked Autistic, because I am burned out beyond anything I've ever felt in my life.

Yesterday I had a complete and utter meltdown in the doctor's office, and it was terrifying. First, he entered the room angry, yelling at me to "stop being rude to my staff". I'm extremely sensitive to being called "rude" because that's what I've been called all my life, just for existing. I've internalized it and now I know, my existence is rude. So whenever someone calls me "rude", it hurts very deeply, even when I'm NOT in a burnout state.

This doctor was SO angry and yelled at me SO much and I couldn't hold it together, I started to cry. He told me to calm down "or else", but I was already in the middle of a meltdown, I literally couldn't.

Then he gave me bad medical news. My test results were inconclusive and didn't show what was wrong with me. Which meant there was no hope of my pain ending any time soon.

Thankfully my mother was there and she helped me communicate, and we at least got him to order more tests, and to prescribe me a new medication to try. But at no point did he become kind or merciful; it was clear from his face that he just wanted me out of his sight as quickly as possible, because I am "rude".

At that point I was so overwhelmed with emotions that I turned into an animal. I had to escape; my flight response kicked in HUGE. I ran out of there. The minute I was in the hall I started to scream at the top of my lungs, and I could not stop. I punched the concrete wall over and over (my hand is all bruised today, I think I'm lucky that it's not broken). People in the hall were terrified of me. Rightly so. I was violent and out of control. I tried to rip the pictures of the walls, but they were screwed down.

My mother was brilliant. She knew I couldn't stop, or speak, or listen. She said to me "Our goal is to get to the car. Let's get to the car. We can do it." Simple, clear direction that was easy to follow. I couldn't stop screaming or crying, but I could walk. She put her hand on my shoulder and guided me, down the hall, out the door, into the car. Because if I'd stayed in the building with that behavior, police could have been called. Very bad things could have happened. She saved me from that.

I screamed in the car for a long time. I could only sob and cry and scream. I think about a half hour went by. It was a long time. Finally, because I was in a safe place (our familiar car), with a person I trusted (my mother), the worst of the meltdown passed and I was able to stop screaming.

I was exhausted. I was terrified. My hand was killing me. I was like a puppy or a little child, helpless to my overwhelming emotions. Eventually, Mom asked if I'd like to get a donut from the donut shop across the street. She moved my mind onto something else. The donut tasted delicious (I mean its a donut), and that pleasant sensory input helped me focus my mind. I finally calmed down enough that we could talk.

I am 40 years old, live independently, have a professional career, a long-term relationship with my partner, and otherwise appear to be a "successful allistic". But yesterday, I was absolutely nonfunctional. If I didn't have my needs supported by my mother, who knows what could have happened.

I am much better today. Exhausted from everything, but not overwhelmed anymore. I'm telling this story so that others who go through a meltdown can know what it is- and why they're suddenly acting like that. It's because of my autistic brain, and the fact that it was overwhelmed with more emotion than a body can handle or express.

But it passes. It ends. The next day comes, and you can try to heal.

Hi there,

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I’m not sure if you’re seeing that doctor or not, but I would try and distance myself if you work together, or see each other.

That doctor, or whoever it was, is the rude one, yelling at people and being disrespectful and not understanding. Who walks in and randomly starts yelling at people?

I sometimes have my boyfriend or mom speak for me because sometimes I don’t know what to say or do in certain situations.

Sorry for the rambling. Thanks again for sharing. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

Also please try and get away from that doctor. Reading this made me sad and angry. I’m sorry you had to deal with this. Sending a hug.

[miss-windsong]

Please talk about the Eva rebuild stuff. That 4th movie also had me in tears

okay brace for wall of text. spoiler line for if u haven't seen this movie (go watch eva if you haven't)

okay. first off. the opening to that movie is amazing. the retaking of paris gives us a chance to see how effective misato and ritsuko are as a team, as well as showing us that humanity isn't out of the fight. eva as a series is about a lot of things, but one of the core themes is human emotion; the original show always struck me as being about human despair, while the movies seem to be about human hope. all throughout the 4th rebuild movie, we see lines from both sides about hope versus rationalism - gendoh is so certain that his choice is the right one that he never even for a second believes he could fail. misato and WILLE, on the other hand, are almost certain that their cause is doomed to fail, but they choose to go on because they have the totality of human hope and will (haha funny pun) on their shoulders.

also, the trains. trains in eva are everywhere. shinji arrives on a train at the start of the show. his father puts him on a train and sends him away when he was a kid. he tries to run away on a train, but he can't. so many of the flashbacks are set in train cars. trains in eva seem to represent change. at the start of the 4th rebuild movie, the town they live in is an old train station. everything is inside trains - the library is a train car, they use train cars to move goods around, the town square is centered on a railway turntable. but shinji goes up to live with his old friend, in an old (importantly nonfunctional) train station, surrounded by immobilized floating trains. he isn't ready to change yet.

but when we get to the end of the movie, the flashbacks inside the anti-universe (gods i feel so silly typing this stuff out, if you haven't watched any of this i promise it's actually called that), when shinji finally starts to process all of his feelings towards the people in his life, it's portrayed as them getting off the train. they've arrived at their new station. and of course the last scene being at a train station, where shinji leaves of his own choice - it fucks. it makes me sob.

then there's all the stuff about parenthood. misato thinking of herself as being unworthy of the title of "mother" because she abandoned her child who knows nothing about her, despite the fact that she served as essentially a mother figure to shinji (count the number of mother figures shinji has in eva the truth may surprise you). gendoh being a terrible father to shinji because he's just like shinji - shy, reserved, (autistic), and devastated by the loss of his wife. Toji becoming a father as a way to represent that he's matured and grown, while kensuke seems to still be living in his past. of course shinji's mom, being the thing that was always protecting him. ryoji being essentially the father figure of all of humanity by making the sacrifice at the end of the third movie, with his final true act in the story being the ark of living things released into space.

from my interpretation, shinji is humanity. he represents everything about us; our insecurities, our bravery, our cowardice, our inability to face our mistakes, our determination to fix them, and our stupidity. he is the Human Element that throws a wrench in everyone's plans. misato seems to be the mother figure of all humanity, which makes sense given her relationship with ryoji. she is the leader of WILLE, the manifestation of human willpower and determination. she gives everything and more for the sake of the continuation of her species.

there is more that i haven't thought of (i didnt even get into kaworu or shinji's gender and sexuality or asuka or rei or mari or or or) but maybe those posts will come another time. i have so many fucking thoughts about this story and everything in it rends me in half and leaves me sobbing into a pillow because i decided to rewatch the 4th movie at 4am.

[le-trash-prince]

A story

So the last time I went to Disneyland with my friends was in the fall of 2019, after the wedding of a Cali friend, a couple days after Labor Day. We really only gave ourselves a day to do both parks, which is more or less doable in Disneyland as long as you’re not trying to do every single thing, but it’s still a lot of ground to cover, especially during a wedding trip.

I’m a big sucker for theme parks, but they can be particularly exhausting for me, which I now understand is due to my autistic needs. (I’m really looking forward to my next trip now that I understand what accommodations can be made—I’m gonna have so much more energy!) I have a lot of difficulty with staying hydrated, there’s so much stimulation, and being packed in long lines surrounded by strangers is a constant nightmare.

We stayed on property and got into the Magic Kingdom a little early, so we could do all of the new Star Wars stuff before the crowds hit. I lived my best nerd life. I saw Boba Fett help a kid across the park. The Disney experience, you know?

Then we ran over to the other park and hit some of the big rides, came back and did more Magic Kingdom, and by nighttime I was on the verge of being nonfunctional. Two of my friends wanted to ride the Matterhorn, and I could not do it, so I told them I’d wait at the end of the ride. Another friend, Daren, was waiting with me, but I was almost nonverbal at this point, and I just crouched down on the curb, blankly watching people go by to keep an eye out for our two friends.

And then this pair of people walk out of the Matterhorn and go past me in the dark, and I remember looking at one of them and foggily thinking “Those eyebrows look kind of familiar.” And then my immediate next thought was, “They probably just remind me of a cosplayer.” But the thing is, when I see a familiar face, I can’t help but try to recall where I’ve seen them before, and apparently my brain doesn’t stop even when I’m dead on my feet. I couldn’t stop thinking about the idea of them in costume makeup.

A few minutes go by, and “FUCK.” is all I can say because I’ve finally realized who that person was, but my mind can’t accept that it was actually them. There was no reason for it to have been who I thought it was. Because the person who had just walked past me was Japanese stage actor Kimeru, best known for his role as Fuji in The Prince of Tennis Musical, and, at the time, more recently known to me for his role in the Bakumatsu Rock Musical.

So I cannot emphasize enough how weirdly niche and specific this was. Daren was highly concerned about my outburst and lack of explanation and all I could say as I pulled up Twitter and paced back and forth was “I need to see if this is real. I need to see if this is real,” which, in retrospect, is a really bizarre thing to suddenly start chanting out of seemingly nowhere. I’m very grateful for my friends.

There was no reason for Kimeru to have just walked past me in Disneyland California, but the thing is, I know when I’ve recognized a celebrity. I can ID Colin Firth from the back of his head. I can tell you which ten year old episode of Doctor who that Random British Actor was in. And apparently I can recognize Kimeru in the dark with no context when I am absolutely blitzed with exhaustion.

Kimeru had this picture posted on his Twitter account just hours before. He really had just walked past me in the dark at Disneyland California. And all I could think was that my two friends in the line were longtime Tenimyu fans and I had to let them know, and I had almost no verbal skills left with which to do so.

“KIMERU” I frantically texted in our group chat, knowing that signal was too weak for this to even get through.

“KIMERU” I yelled across the crowd once they saw me frantically waving my hands. Vague communication made even vaguer when you consider that one of them is named Kim.

“I SAW KIMERU” I called right as they were getting on the ride. This was met with just as much confusion. For some reason, this is not a statement that one expects to hear from a friend in the middle of the night at Disneyland California. 🤷‍♂️ So they got on the ride, and I was left knowing that there was no way they were going to be able to see him. There is a very small amount of searching for a stranger in the dark that you can do before it gets weird.

When they finally got off the ride and I was able to explain myself, they freaked out as much as I had been. For context, when I met my friend Natalie in 2005, she was wearing a Fudomine uniform at school, and Kim spotted her from across the room and said “WE’RE GOING TO BE FRIENDS.”

I really wish they had been able to see him with me, even from a distance. That’s all there is to the story, though. I was left with nothing but my own memory, and no witnesses and nothing but circumstantial Twitter evidence. (My friends believed me because they know me, but a shared memory is a happier memory) But in moments, like tonight, when I am feeling a little down, I like to remember that one time I very unexpectedly saw Kimeru at Disneyland. It puts a smile on my face and reminds me that there are always certain parts of my brain that I can rely on no matter what.

[finnverbose]

I am struggling because I’ve been thinking a lot about autism because one of my nephews was diagnosed pretty young and another cousin is understood to be on the spectrum and has been pretty confident in that for several years, and now I’m looking at other family like my older brother (and father of the nephew with formal diagnosis) and my mom (who connects and understands her grandson with the formal diagnosis more than anyone) and I’m just like hmmm a few of us then.

This gets really long and i don’t remember how to do a read more on mobile, so I’m sorry. Just scroll past.

But I look at myself and I think about masking and I think about my childhood and I’m like okay just cause I have stuff in common with autistic people doesn’t mean.. and I relate to a lot of autistic people on social media. But there’s so much overlap with other forms of neurodivergence and mental illness! Especially the way things are expressed outwardly vs internal experience!

So I was talking to my husband recently and was like “yeah I don’t think I’m autistic because I don’t have some of the most major traits like difficulty in social interactions and inflexibility like with routines and schedules” and he was like what in the world are you talking about you definitely struggle with both of those.

So I start trying to justify and I’m like no the social thing is just because I grew up with no one liking me because I cried all the time and talked too much and also struggled to convince people I understood what I was talking about so everything I say just has to be carefully composed and built from the ground up like a dissertation. And then I started thinking about how I love the face masks because I don’t have to think about my expression and never really realized I was doing it until I didn’t have to anymore and how I work for a call center and all the time people think I’m reading from a script when I’m not and how I look at people when they’re talking but really struggle to when I’m talking and how I have always felt like other people don’t seem to think the same way I do but I can’t figure out why.

But also any and all of these things could just be normal for lots of people and also influenced by my anxiety and fucked up emotional attachments from childhood.

And I didn’t think I had the inflexibility because I think I handle change fine and I’ve moved a lot in life and had minimal issues and never really had routines, but then my husband pointed out that any time something changes suddenly, my first reaction is to get upset and I tell him often that it’s not that I mind that the plans have changed it’s that I have to process that change for a bit before I’m okay with it. And I was still like noooo, but then today a work meeting ended up being about two hours earlier and half an hour shorter than I thought it would be, and it didn’t interfere with any of my breaks and it was just a training going over stuff I already knew, but after the meeting I started getting really anxious and overwhelmed for no reason when before the meeting I was fine. And it wasn’t until I had my lunch later that I thought back on the timeline of when I started feeling bad that it lined up perfectly with that meeting being different than I expected.

But again, I am an anxious person and I really look forward to any time I don’t have to be taking calls even though that’s my whole job because it’s just really tiring sometimes.

And I’ve always had some level of sensory issues. I’ve always been a a fairly picky eater, worse when little, and the older I got the more I realized that it’s often textures that are the problem, or strong flavors like spicy or vinegar. I get overwhelmed easily by certain kinds of touch. I am basically nonfunctional if I’m too hot and I’ve always hated things that are very soft. When I stopped shaving my legs I even told people a big reason is I hate the feeling of my pants touching or sliding over my legs when they were smooth.

I don’t know. I still don’t think I’m autistic though I do have some things in common with people on the spectrum, it’s just like... I’m noticing more and more particularly neurodivergent traits and behaviors? Idk what to do with this knowledge and now that I’ve noticed it I can’t stop noticing.