#because there are so many fuckimg stores

[june-buggin]

Walking through a massive airport wondering why the hell it doubles as a mall

[auspicetaker]

having a full blown meltdown because the grocery store changed how they do checkout and disturbed my routine and i have been doing dishes all day and there are still somehow so fuckimg many dishes to do and i cannot predict accurately when my parents will be here to pick me up to do mother's day lunch which is leaving me paralyzed and anxious in Wait Mode and i am for whatever reason unable to put away my clean laundry that's been sitting there since friday and i have so much work to do for my job and i rly needed help from my coworker but she got LAID OFF WITH NO WARNING last week so she can't help me and i feel lost and stuck without her and also i feel like im getting sick again and i am just completely undone. trying SO HARD to put a good face on and be strong and do all the things i have to do to take care of myself and the people around me but its fuckimg really difficult

[verseapetrova]

How my social anxiety wants to fuck me up

When I'm invited to places or I try to make rare plans...

Plans that are with ONE person myself are way to damn stressful and uncomfortable and I can already feel my brain splitting. Now I have to face awkward silences, feel the need to care for this other person and not myself, eventually becoming broke feeding them and not myself even though I'm anemic and I need food (I naturally do this out of impulse to please others and no one stops me), I apologize.... Alot for every single thing because I'm clouded with the constant worry that just my presence alone is a bother and that they could be doing anything better in the world than hanging out with me. I have to worry about it looking like a fuckimg date which is terrifying and they probably don't correct people who mistaken us at stores we enter or friends we bump into and later have to deal with backlash on social media. I become sick with fear if they dont think I'm interesting every second they spend with me so I impulsively exaggerate some truths about myselfs and I hate it. Sometimes I cant stop myself.

Plans with TWO people and myself can go many ways. Mostly negative in my expereince because I end up third wheeling even though everyone is single. I end up being the one walking or riding in the back. Never the one in the main conversation or included in. I feel pressured to speak up to prove my worth. Or to buy more things to show I'm important for some reason when I'm broke af. This wasn't how I was raised. I never get to sit facing them, always the one to the side and when the day is over, they make future plans without me because I wasn't interesting enough or made a good impression. It feels like I was invisible the entire time or a ghost watching the entire hamg out.

Hanging out with THREE people and myself has always been a great number for me but does have on negative. Everyone equally understands to speak to each other in a giant group, eating all together or even eating differently as individuals as everyone is all out. It can be great but also the bad side when things get quiet, groups of two form. The two "loud/most interesting" ones get together to speak and the last two are left to make conversation for dear life. I'm sweating up a storm at this moment because I never know what to say to this person because I was so involved speaking to everyone as a group. Now it's a forced one on one I didn't expect.

Plans with FOUR people and myself seems like ALOT of people. PLAIN and simple. If there has ever been this many people it's rare. But nothing has gone wrong in the sense of exclusion. Except for if they make groups of two and you're now the odd one out. I myself like being the odd one out 85% of the time when there are this many people. There are so many people that it's making me uncomfortable and yet okay if that makes sense. I like all of these people, the number of them freak me the hell out but they're all doing they're thing and I can hang back, not have to speak forcibly, not embarrass myself, and just observe everyone interact with each other. People watching > Anxiously destroying yourself and connections. I could even be on my phone to help me calm down and who the hell would notice if everyone is having that much fun?

I cancel alot of plans with people because they make plans lets say...

Example: A week in advance and tell me about it. Inviting me to it and telling me "It'll be four of us and if you come, it'll make 5." So I say yes. Few nights prior, the date changes which makes me go from 90% wanting to go now to 60% wanting to go because it feels unstable. Then one hour before I'm about to go to sleep for the hang out the next day, I get messaged that the person who invited me won't make it, neither will their partner with no explanation. My anxiety goes through the roof and now I'm full blown backing out with many excuses.

Make a plan and stick to it or just fully cancel, it does less damage to me.

If the plans are subject to change, dont invite me. My mental state will thank you someday.

If plans are at expensive places like IHOP, Applebees, Chilis, Starbucks, you name any places that doesnt have a dollar menu its fucking epensive as a "hang out", it better be with multiple people so I can blend in the back and not have to speak or buy much. Or else it should have been just the damn mall and food court with my ass taking the necessary pills I need to handle this shit. Klonopin do your job.