#because when im trying to 'be productive' and push myself it actually does get worse | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

alwaysahiccupandastrid · 3 years

Text

How Bad is Sia’s “Music” really?

I watched it illegally (because there was no way I was paying for that bullshit) and found out. It’s not as bad as we thought... It’s worse.

TW for ableism, Sia, drugs, alcohol, just in general a terrible movie, meltdowns, blackface

Literally the first thing you hear while they’re showing the production companies is THOSE stereotypical noises. If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ll know what I mean.

And yes, she does this for the WHOLE fucking movie

What was the need to show her in her underwear? Maddie Ziegler was 14 when this was made, so what was the need??? And why did Sia prolong the scene by having her hitting herself?

Less than a minute in and my reaction was already “what the fuck is this shit?”

So the opening number not only had stereotypical exaggerated facial expression, it has Maddie in BLACKFACE?!? And with culturally appropriated hair?!?

The exaggerated facial expressions are literally constant and I took photos during the film to show it, more later, but I’ll keep mentioning it

ITS LITERALLY THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME SHE IS ON SCREEN

Even her way of walking is fucking offensive, Jesus Christ

The vocalisations just had me cringing so hard, I cannot describe how awful it made me feel

Why do all the neighbours need to be paid off and help her when she goes for a walk? I don’t-

Yes, by about the five minute mark I was already seriously debating all my life decisions. It was that bad.

Kate Hudson really didn’t give a fuck that her grandma died

I will keep saying it but WHY are the facial expressions/vocalisations CONSTANT?!! Literally they do not stop at all. I work with a child who is actually similar to this in that he’s nonverbal and he makes similar noises/faces, but the way they’re in this movie is so over-exaggerated?!? And even the kid I work with doesn’t do it 24/7?!?

Sia, calling your characters Zu and Music doesn’t make them interesting in the slightest. They’re still painfully terrible and one dimensional

Literally ONE minute after being left alone with her autistic sister, Zu calls the mental health service asking if they could “theoretically” “pick up” her sister?!? Like she wants to get rid of her already?!?

“A magical little girl” - autism isn’t a magical power?!? And Music is a young woman, not a little girl?!? Why are you infantilising her?!?

Okay I’m not being funny but this choreography is NOT hard. ANYONE can do it, so claiming that you needed to hire a dancer to be Music because of the numbers is literally bullshit (and even so, there are so many amazing autistic actors and dancers?!?)

20 minutes in and I wanted to give up

So she had her first meltdown because her hair didn’t get braided immediately and that’s... certainly interesting??

The fact that Leslie Odom’s character says “I’m going to crush you now”?!?

AND THEN HE FUCKING PICKS HER UP AND FULL-BODILY PINS HER DOWN ONTO THE FLOOR

“I’m crushing her with my love” - oh fuck you, just fuck you

So Sia lied, the restraint scenes were NOT removed and there was no warning. She’s a fucking POS liar

I have no idea why he’s called Ebo or why he has such a cliche African accent?!? I might have missed out on why because I was busy trying not to bang my head into the table while I watched this film but just... yikes

“He (his brother) liked to be held” - YEAH, HELD. NOT FUCKING CRUSHED

“He is dead now” - IM NOT FUCKING SURPRISED IF YOU CRUSHED HIM LIKE THAT

The constant babying and patronizing of the autistic character is so exhausting to watch. I’m so tired

“Planning on sending her to the people pound but I guess I’ll keep her a little longer” - SHE WAS JOKING BUT THAT WAS NOT EVEN REMOTELY A FUNNY JOKE. NOT EVEN IN AN AWKWARD WAY

STOP THE FACES IM-

^ YEAH, Sia, totally a fucking love letter to the autistic community here ^

So Zu finds this necklace she made as a kid that had a little dog on it, and she says to Music, “He had seizures too, just like you”... MELTDOWNS AND SEIZURES ARE NOT EVEN REMOTELY THE SAME FUCK THIS MOVIE-

It’s like Sia is trying to make the movie funny but it’s really not at all

Is Zu implying that Music is autistic because the mum was a junkie?!?

For real though, the dialogue in general is so fucking awful and cringey. Whoever wrote this should never be allowed to write again

Did she seriously leave her autistic sister alone to talk to who I’m presuming was her dealer or loan shark?!?

Also why is he - a white dude - wearing cornrows?!?

So who is the film really about? The autistic girl or the older sister saviour? I think we all know the answer to that one

WHY IS SHE WALKING AROUND WITH HER TEETH JUTTING OUT LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME

The musical numbers are literally so painful to watch. The overly bright colours, the flashing... my eyes were hurting and so was my brain

Autism representation aside for a second, the musical numbers/choreography are all fucking atrocious. Ditto for the costumes

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK WERE THE PINK OOMPA LOOMPA FRUIT THINGS?!? THEY LOOK LIKE THE PINK VERSIONS OF VIOLET BEAUREGARDE THE BLUEBERRY

I wanted to cry by this point, this movie is far more awful than I thought

“I’m not saying she doesn’t want to change, I’m saying she can’t” - FUCK YOU. Why is it okay for him to assume what she can or can’t do

Can I just say that autistic people aren’t constantly in a coked up wonderland state?!! We don’t see the world as a wonderland fantasy world 24/7?!!

“She can hear you from two rooms away” / *shows her listening through two brick walls to a conversation* — Also, we don’t have super fucking sonic hearing?? WE CANT HEAR THROUGH FUCKING BRICK WALLS?!?

“She can understand everything you’re saying to her” - she’s autistic not fucking deaf

Less than 45 minutes in, there’s another meltdown in the park

“I’m not climbing on top of a small screaming white girl in public” - yeah please fucking don’t

So Zu fucking pins her down with her weight 🤦‍♀️

“She doesn’t know who she’s hitting” - IM SORRY WHAT

EBO LITERALLY SAID “TREAT HER LIKE A BEAR” when talking her through the prone restraint, I fucking CANNOT

“Tell her she’s safe” - NOT IF YOU FUCKING RESTRAIN HER LIKE THAT SHE IS NOT

The fact that she gets up, smiling and happy after a meltdown and immediately is excited to get a snow cone... I can honestly say that after a meltdown, I am in no way happy or smiling. I am often not very verbal and I’m withdrawn/not myself for at least several hours, usually the rest of the day. Fuck this film

This film is literally just about Zu, and Music is there for a plot device to give her character development. That’s all she’s there for.

Love how Sia shoehorned Zu being suicidal in there. You know, just to try and make her more easy to sympathize with (it doesn’t work)

This film is literally just a 1 hour 47 minute Sia music video with ZERO plot

WHY WERE THEY WEARING PILLOW DIAPERS IN ONE NUMBER-

I really did not feel into the side plot with that guy who was fighting but it was still better than the actual movie so...

I am SO DONE with the NON STOP CONSTANT vocal shit. So tired.

LOJ’s only role in this film is to be the stereotypical wise black guy who assists a white woman’s story. There’s like hardly any other depth there

The Ebo/Zu romance is so fucking stupid and pointless and out of NOWHERE. I couldn’t even tell if they were into each other or not

I was already so bored of the musical numbers by this point. They added NOTHING to the plot but they pretended they did, and I was so over it. And it’s not because I’m not “creative enough” or anything to understand, I love musicals and I think it could have been cool if done right... but it wasn’t. They were a mess. It’s just bad.

Sia really tried to pretend her movie was deep but really it’s a shallow mess

So Zu is meeting rich drug clients and says to Music “try not to have one of your freak outs up there” and “if you could try to get it out now”... FUCKING YIKES. It’s not an on/off button, shut the fuck up

YEP THIS WAS THE SIA CAMEO FUCK THAT BITCH

The fact that she just calls “DRUG DEALER?!? DRUG DEALER IS THAT YOU”, fucking end this please-

I fucking hate this bitch I’m dead serious

“We’re gonna send them to Haiti cause there’s been an earthquake. All these buildings fell down, children’s bones were dislocated” - WHY WAS SHE SO CHEERFUL ABOUT IT

“Gonna buy a shit load of pain meds, gonna but them on my private plane” - FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU

“Pop stars without borders” - Sia thinks she’s so clever but I would give anything to punch her I swear-

ANOTHER MUSICAL NUMBER JUST STOP IM BEGGING YOU

There’s this awkward conversation/bit with Zu and her drug dealer/loanshark about his outfit that was clearly meant to be funny but was just flat and painful

Yep, Sia really showed Music eating chewing gum off the underside of a park bench. Of course.

Look, the kid I work with does similar stuff by putting literally anything and everything in his mouth but like... why would you put that in your movie?

And there’s no indication before this that Music puts everything and anything in her mouth, she just randomly decides to get on her knees, under the bench and eat chewing gum, like she calculates that it’s there and gets it???

She has a THIRD meltdown after an allergic reaction to a bee sting and her sister just yells at her before realizing... I’m not here for this movie, I feel like I drifted off and was not really there

So Zu got angry because she left the drugs at the park but she’s not that upset that her sister had an allergic reaction???

Zu gets absolutely drunk because a) she lost Sia’s drugs and b) she’s stressed out by her autistic sister... wow, great message, Sia!

She really fucked off and left her sister alone to go clubbing/on a bender

The less said about the musical number here the better

Sia’s movie also checks the box of having stereotypical Asian parents, specifically stereotypical Asian dad being harsh/angry and hitting his wife!

ALSO HE PUSHED AND KILLED HIS SON WTF IS HAPPENING

Less than 3 minutes after the last, there’s a musical number that I think was about this side character going to heaven... another shitty Sia-esque number

The patterns during the number made my brain hurt.

Also there are so many autistic actors who can also dance, and yet Sia chose the neurotypical one because ✨ N E P O T I S M ✨

I just want to know how it was deemed necessary to show the fact the autistic character peed/wet herself? I mean... ??? It’s just so undignified and not at all necessary to the plot. Nothing happens after that, it just moves onto the next scene and it didn’t do anything

“I have no one” - 1) YOUR FUCKING SISTER. 2) GEE I FUCKING WONDER WHY, couldn’t be that you’re a shitty human being?!?

There’s a scene where Music is walking and she does ALL the stereotypical behaviours at once... just YIKES

Zu somehow stopped another meltdown just by grabbing Music by the shoulders and sitting her down???

Aaand yep. Another shitty musical number

Zu really goes to put her sister in a fucking facility and claims it’ll be “better for her” - BULLSHIT. Better for Zu, maybe, not Music.

Ah yes - the girl who the characters have said has problems with routines being changed/change in general... you’re now going to fuck up her routine by dumping her in a facility. Perfect Plan.

The nonverbal autistic girl suddenly speaking to say “don’t go” - you can just predict it from the off, can’t you?

Love that as soon as Music starts talking, Zu is like “fuck it, I’ll keep her!”

Zu really went and crashed Ebo’s brothers wedding... in a fucking bralette... YIKES

“I almost gave Music away” - SHE IS NOT A DOG YOU DONT GIVE PEOPLE AWAY

“We should sing a song” - PLEASE DO FUCKING NOT

Also that kiss/romance montage between Zu and Ebo was the CRINGIEST fucking shit ever

This movie seems to be implying that Music has locked in syndrome or something, like she’s locked in her own head or whatever it’s called, and I just... *sigh*

Oh and now Music magically fucking sings in a room FULL of strangers... this is literally embarrassing, please let this end

I mean it, this movie was fucking painful to watch on ever level

She got a service dog puppy which... okay?

Oh look, it’s the only decent song on the soundtrack but with an absolutely shitty over-stimulatory music video with the credits!

I can only name 5 characters in this film. Maybe 7 at a push, but even then I would be guessing

AND YEP SHE THANKED AUTISM SPEAKS OVER THE CREDITS. FUCK YOU SIA 🖕🏻

Let me reiterate: this is a movie about a neurotypical former drug addict whose character development comes from the autistic character, from having an autistic sister she has to take care of. I’m so tired.

We are NOT plot devices or tools for character development. Not once does anyone in this film treat Music like a human being - she’s treated as a burden, a problem, and then like a pet that they decide to keep. Not once is the film focused on how she is feeling - it’s always about Zu or Ebo. The performance itself was so over exaggerated and it made me want to cry when I watched it because this is how the world sees us, and this movie will make it ten times worse. It’s stuff like this that made me think “I don’t want to be labelled as autistic because people will think I’m a certain way”, that made me wait so long before going to the GP to get a referral.

As I said, poor autistic representation aside, the movie is just so appallingly bad. It truly is one of the worst films I’ve watched. If you’re going to watch it, please don’t - or, if you want to because you want to see how bad it is/to raise awareness/critical posts, at least do it illegally. Do not give Sia your money.

#sia #music #music 2021 #music movie #autism #tw ableism #tw meltdown #tw blackface #anti sia #lol sia

341 notes · View notes

krabmeat · 3 years

Text

𝚓𝚞𝚋𝚒𝚕𝚎𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚎

𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚜: Wilbur Soot

𝚖𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚜: he/him

𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚐𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐: mentions of death, implied s_!c!de, aggressive and angered yelling, glass shattering

𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚛𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚎: this is gonna be a 7 part series im doing where I write all of the songs from the album "Your City Gave Me Asthma" by Wilbur Soot as short stories! this is the first one of the 7, jubilee line- hope you enjoy!! this short story does deal with extremely heavy topics, so please reach out to a professional or a trusted person in your life if you deal with similar emotions or similar situations. your emotions are valid and deserve to be dealt with, no one expects you to handle your sh-t alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wasting your time.

“Wilbur, what are you talking about?” She’s trying to help again. It’s tiring. She’s my therapist, but also my friend and roommate so I see her often. She can see how much I’ve been struggling with my job, and she’s been trying to help. I don’t think I want it. My eye bags are more defined since I’ve tilted my head down to lace my fingers through my slightly greasy hair. I’m thinking. My eyes are closed when she speaks up again. “Wil!” I snap my eyes open and look up at her.

You're wasting mine.

I don’t know where my body is taking me. Pent up impulse has taken control of my body, and I stomp my way over to the door while briskly grabbing my beanie and trench coat from the coat rack. “Wil, where are you going?” “Away.” She desperately grabs onto my upper arm. She’s concerned, but am I? In any other situation, I would be. But it doesn’t feel like me talking.

I hate to see you leaving,

Her voice was shaky when she spoke. There are tears in her eyes. It’s strange, really. She always managed to let her tears roam as they pleased, it’s always been something I’ve found fascinating about her. But my curiosity doesn’t seem to be where it usually is on my mental shelf. I think I may have misplaced it. I take one last glance around the place before calmly removing her hand from my arm.

Fate worse than dying.

I don’t know how late it is until I hear 11 distinct chimes roll out across the city like a blanket. Even then, I don’t know how long I’ve been walking but I think I’m getting close to my destination. But why am I feeling dizzy? Oh right,

Your city gave me asthma

Probably one of the only things I brung with me, I found an inhaler in my coat pocket. It’s got enough to last me to where I’m going. With the last puff in it, I chuck the empty inhaler into a nearby alley. Climate change hits hard everywhere, but it gets bipolar in London. It doesn’t matter to me right now. I’d turn it all to ash from the fleeting joy I get from adding more smoke to the sky.

So that’s why I’m f*cking leaving.

The inhaler helped me breathe, but the dizziness is still there. The inhaler doesn’t even matter, the air is still dense and damp from the drenched night before. The world around me is melting, but when I blink it’s like everything was inflated back to normal with an air pump. Before I know it though, my lack of eyesight sends me tumbling to the ground. My arms and legs are damp, I tripped on a puddle.

And your water gave me cancer.

I’m never usually this mad. Bottling up comes easy to me, yet I find myself angrily stomping on the puddle, causing me to fall again, leaving more scrapes scattered across my pale, cold skin. The concrete meets my knuckles, aggressively landing blows to its invisible face.

And the pavement hurt my feelings.

I get up from the ground. The blood from my knuckles is unrecognizable, washed away by the sudden downpour. The buildings have become a haze. Familiar, but I don’t know what it is. Not the familiarness associated with a home, or a warm and comforting hug. As if I’ve seen it before, constantly looming over me, watching me like a renewed episode of their favorite show. They already know what’s happening, they know what’s coming. I can’t take it. There’s a rasp in my voice and I’m surrounded by re renovated apartments and business buildings, factories puffing their black cigarette smoke out for the ignorant tourists to see.

Shout at the walls,

My tears are confused with the rain, but both are dripping viciously from my face as gravely shouts and yells stream out of my mouth. Nearby bottles and littered beer cans are pleading for mercy, crushed and shattered by my aggressive hands thrown against the walls.

Cause the walls don’t f*cking love you.

My senses are getting overwhelmed, my arms and legs shaking from either the cold or the jolt of sensation I get when the glass shatters into a million pieces before I could stop it.

Shout at the walls,

“SHUT THE F*CK UP, WILL YA!?” My head tilts upwards to see a man at his windowsill with a dirty glare coming my way. A few seconds later, a little girl appears behind the man, seeming to have just woken up. A soft and whispery “Dad…?” Can be heard from the little girl. The softness I feel from the small wholesome moment soon turns into mind-numbing guilt. I run away, the numbness going to my legs as they once again travel on their own.

Cause the walls don’t f*cking love you.

My legs burn and sting with every stride and step they take along the path. I’m almost there. The strange looks and stares I’m getting are blocked out by the splashing and slapping of my damp shoes against the thin puddles on the ground.

Clap, clap

It’s almost as if this place is a second home for me. It’s my home, crowded with chatter and people making their ways through the Jubilee line. I’m so familiar with this place, you’d think I actually live here. I make my way to the glass barriers that block me from reaching the train, my damp feet still slapping against the ground.

Clap, clap

The barrier frustrates me. The visitors see it as a safety precaution, London’s trying to keep us safe! But we know, I know. It represents ignorance, laziness, failure. London’s desperacy to please those foreign to this place while ostracizing those who have been fed to the brim with government immaturity. I’ve broken barriers like these, it was easy for me to shatter the flimsy glass. The crowds and crowds of people stop, scream, panic, run and express their disgust all at once. I stood on top of the railing, the only other thing in my way. The tracks are calling to me, but so does a voice.

There’s a reason that London puts barriers on the tube line!

This voice isn’t familiar to me, which is why it bothers me so much. Foreigner. They don’t know. They COULD know, it’s not as if our hierarchy here has made a completely opaque wall between their intentions and actions. I’m still on top of the rail, but my back is faced towards the tracks. My eyes land on a short, blond white woman. Her voice sounded like she was talking with sticks in her mouth, nothing like the smoothness of a British accent. I fail to turn around in time before another voice is heard from another part of the station.

There’s a reason London puts barriers on the rails!

A tall man with ginger hair and lanky arms speaks up. He’s just like the woman, uneducated. Poor foreigners. The brotures and online ads and magazine cut-outs only give webs of lies and deceit when advertising to come to London. It speaks of the grand sights but not the horrid trauma that children here have to bear their sight to because of our crippling economy. The photos show places with warm rays and never the vicious rain and storms or scolding heat. The videos show clear, blue skies and never the gray turning grayer from the remains of society's mass-production. I’m done listening to these people. But one in particular stops me.

There’s a reason that London puts barriers on the tube line,

A tone I recognize, but a face that’s a haze. The man is from here, his voice says it all. His gray outfit and security guard patch on his vest. He knows what I’m thinking. He understands. Understanding would have been useful about an hour ago, yet I still find a soft smile slowly etching on my lips. I spread my arms out, like a bird with its wings spread out from its body. I wish I had wings, I would fly out of this wretched town. Fly out to freedom like Icarus. He flew too high, however. Where I’m going, the only upwards I’ll be is 6 feet under. But I’m ready for that. My face expresses a feeling of relief, tranquility, satisfaction. I haven’t smiled like this in years, it’s nice to close things off with a smile. The buzz of a train can be distantly heard, and I look out to the crowd. With the breeze of the air pushing against my falling back, I manage to breathe out a final arrangement for the crowd to hear.

There’s a reason they fail.

#wilbur soot fic #wilbur soot fanfiction #wilbur soot fanfic #ycgma #mcyt #mcyt fic #mcyt fanfic #mcyt fanfiction #dsmp fic #dsmp fanfic #dsmp fanfiction #song fic #song fanfic #song fanfiction

12 notes · View notes

alphaketoglutaricacid · 4 years

Text

@onehithero said: also we know theres at least some actual animals besides gadoll liek the scorpion n cows tht show up for a sec in ep 1 so tankers hav tht going for them re: food sources ..SORRY FOR RAMBLING SO MUCH deca dence essay got sleeper agent activated

onehithero said: i rly like what usaid abt kabu from natsumes pov too but i cannot form a half cohernet thought abt tht one

onehithero said: ALSO ALSO i think its interesting how the ep 8 conversation w minato is i think the only time kabu talks abt being jealous of humans being able to choose their own paths

onehithero said: also how minatos convinced hes like a good lil cog in the machine yet hes done 50 things tht wuld get him labeled as a bug but he just ignores all tht. the both of them can be so disconnected w reality

onehithero said: like minato didnt know abt 1)natsume 2) how the system has made kabu so severely depressed n he culdnt put up w it anymore.n minato continues pushing the just go along w the system shit he doesnt understand tht he was contributing to kabus misery.. n bc of tht kabu doesnt trust minato enough to tell him abt natsume for so long but then he goes n asks smth so big of him as go against the system

onehithero said: thinks abt how kabu n minato r obviously so important to each other but minato understands him less n less over time & kabu kinda already knew its risky to confide in minato like minato did know abt pipe which was a long time ago but he didnt know abt natsume til kabu was already sacrifing himself for her sake. n yet kabu then goes n tries to get him on his side anyway cuz he wants tht so badly..

onehithero said: OMG OMG CHEWS THESE WORDS SLOWLY N THROUGHLY SO DELICIOUS THANK U THANK U u get it u understand i love reading n writing essay lengh responses abt deca dence & again u just hit the nail on the head w this

Please let me know if this @ u 8 times and sorry if it did. I will reply under this readmore but i love this enthusiasm! I like discussing this stuff so if u want keep it coming. I wanna understand deca dence better and i think i will by sharing ideas w other ppl.

I think kabu and minatos relationship is as good as it is because theres clearly a lot of mutual love and respect between them even when they don’t understand each other and thats why minato still runs after him when he hears kabu going suicide mission lets go baby. I think its interesting that minato was like ready to lie down and accept getting mass scrapped until he hears kabu go im about to be hilarious and hes like actually living and staying alive sounds great actually forget what i said about it being over. you are so right about kabu and trust and natsume. I will always cherish episode 5 where kabu gives this big rousing speech about how natsume inspired him and saved his life and minatos there like ..who? ..what?? I think they may not be used to hiding things from each other. Also I think them drifting apart mirrors natsume and feis drifting apart tho I think while feis the instigator on that side kabus more on his side and minato like natsume is like wondering what in da world is going on. I think someone else wrote about this better than I can.

I do think minato does know kabus severely depressed because theres this line in ep 4 where he puts his hand on kabu and says like you’ve toiled enough at that awful job. and also in episode 11 when he and kabu talk and kabu says he was in a similar place as minato now in that he was waiting every day to be scrapped minato has no reaction until kabu says but that bug saved me. I think he knows kabus very depressed but he does not know how to address it cuz the system never gives either of them the tools or options for it. Though also I feel the system discourages meaningful relationships between the cyborgs so I think what minato and kabu have is likely pretty rare. Kabu donetello and turkey also fought together for a long time but turkey turns on donetello in a second even tho they fought together, he was his number two, and they were in prison together, and were pretty much all they got and donetello kills him in turn. I also think minato probably knew because he’s empathetic. Like I’m not sure about compassion but he’s very good at understanding where other ppl are and how to meet them in the middle so both parties get something they want. That’s how he got all the gamers to collect the old deca dence parts. Not by cashing in on ppl doing the right thing but by framing it as the final mission. He gets his lgbt community center coworkers for fight with him one last time by appealing to their sense of duty. He got the system to put kabu in jail instead of getting scrapped when Mikey got scrapped for a lesser offense. The list goes on. A tangent but I think the fact he acknowledges the living conditions of the humans are gonna get worse if nothing’s done even tho he’s apathetic at best towards them shows even when the system tries to mold the cyborgs into the roles it wants, sometimes the traits they have just keep on going despite themselves. I’m gonna stop myself before I go into jill and this theme but I’m gonna talk about it someday. So I think its more likely than not he knew but he didn’t know how to navigate around it also because it’s heavily implied he’s going thru the same thing and I think kabu might genuinely have no idea Bc kabu lacks empathy but his heart... is huge. When he hears minato express his feelings of not knowing what he wants he instantly tries to reach out and explain minatos not alone in what he feels. This is why they’re good foils. while kabu moves past where he was in the start where he states he does not intend to oppose the system and his compliance while also trying to do the bare minimum drives him to suicide, and finds the willpower and a reason to live and rebel against the system through his connection to other people (first natsume , he hangs out w kurenai sometimes too, and then with the jail robots). Meanwhile minato whos stuck in his literal ivory tower (it’s a Metaphor) never makes any of these connections. It’s the irony of kabu working at a armor repair job giving him some ability to connect w others vs minatos higher position isolating him from everyone else. I think kabu living amongst the ppl he harmed drove him to give up on life quicker, while minato being far apart shielded him from rlly having to see the effects of his actions I think he was headed a lil slower in the same direction. I think we’re led to believe minatos okay where he is but I think towards the end it’s clear minato has spent most of the series also in a bad place. I think he views things very similarly to kabu in that he wants to use what power he does have to protect the ppl he cares about similar to how initially kabu tried to just convince natsume to quit several times and he was like whatever at the rest of the humans who are natsumes comrades dying but he chooses to put it all on the line and try for some systemic change when he sees natsumes determination to fight. Also I think minato holds very little loyalty to the system cuz he doesn’t only like breaks 1000 rules for kabu (the hypocrisy) but he also looks the other way a lot. For example, when he overheard the top rankers talk about limiters he’s like I’ll pretend I don’t hear it also turn on private mode next time and he doesn’t berate them for considering cheating. Also donetello has been using an illegal avatar to climb to S rank again (isn’t it interesting that even after the ranked system is abolished something similar took its place). And his avatar looks the same as it did when minato worked with the guy. There’s probably like not that many ppl in s rank. And he calls himself donetello. Minato knows he’s supposed to be in jail but does he tell anyone? He’s like well.. that looks like someone else’s problem if they notice *goes and vapes* it’s so funny how little minato cares but it’s also not funny Bc some of minatos cruelest actions and things he’s complicit in are born not outta malice but apathy to everything. I think it shows (tangent number 4?) how the systems use of excessive force is counter productive cuz neither minato nor kabu are willing to report anything to disrupt the order Bc neither of them think the level of punishment is warranted. I also think that minato is probably the first person kabu really opens up to about why on a personal level he feels the system needs to be destroyed after Ep 7 is really interesting. It really speaks to how deep their [mutual and not platonic relationship I don’t know how to label ] is. I also think that he admits to minato that he envies human is rlly interesting and would like to hear what u have to think! I think it’s interesting that what really sets minato off is kabu saying he wants to choose for himself and also wants other cyborgs to have that freedom and I think it’s one of the few times we see minato get genuinely angry and have it not stem from worry. Tangent 5 I’m really extrapolating here but I think it’s very likely given how high up minato is that he likely knows of several cyborgs that rebelled against the system for similar reasons as kabu and knows how it ends and I think it probably feeds into his defeatist attitude. I think his role in the system must really kill whatever grasp of whatever minato has cuz he constantly has to act like it’s almost the end of the world and he’s strapped for resources all the time for like decades and decades of having to fake that type of desperation to entertain ur player base and cuz ur also on tv to entertain the general populace to distract them from their soul sucking jobs. I think that’s gotta mess with his perception of himself and also his ability to see that struggle as real and genuine. I think that’s also gotta be hard cuz he seems like out of his whole fuck we r under attack persona he seems like he’s a lil closed off but generally chill and somewhat upbeat to ppl who know him and he just wants to be isabella from animal crossing. I got really off track here. I think what really gets me is their relationship is built on knowing each other so well and so long , and how it’s managed to survive and persist through all this tragedy. They really mutually respect and love each other and that’s why kabu let’s minato walk away from his revolution even tho it compromises everything he works for. It’s why minato ultimently accepts kabus willingness to die for a tanker even tho he really doesn’t get it at all and it means it’s goodbye forever. But it’s still not enough to save either of them. Minato can’t save kabu from trying to passively starving himself to death and I’m not sure if kabu even knows where minato is at mentally. Sometimes no matter how close u are to someone there r things u miss and things u can’t help each other with. Even tho the two resolve to fight and then die together cuz this seems like the best choice Bc the system they were born into offers no alternatives, the deca dence doesn’t even activate without the help of other ppl. I think it shows one relationship cant support all that weight. In the end it is through their bonds with other ppl that gets them to an ending where they both survive when they decided alone their only option is death. Also u are so right about the other animals existing I totally forgot ty I cannot believe I forgot about the scorpion which calls to natsumes hairstyle which is a visual gag on how natsumes a bug and how like a scorpion, although unassuming, and fucking kill u, just like how her trying to get her boss to open up eventually leads to the whole thing toppling down. I also have a lot of thoughts about natsume but I’m still thinking of them and thinking hard Bc sometimes she becomes kabus inspiration Pinterest board and I don’t like that. When she shines she really shines but it starts getting sloppy towards the end so I have to think a lil longer about it. Okay I’m done. Also it’s kinda hard for me to look like I’m agreeing to ur points and nodding in this format but I really appreciate ur thoughts and will try to convey this. Maybe by formatting as a response to each of ur replies next time

13 notes · View notes

penzyroamin · 3 years

Note

Food and sharing food continues to be a recurring motif in “tied together”. What was your thought process around that? How do you see that connecting to some of the central themes and concepts in the story as a whole? (And, if you would like to go into this, how do you see food and sharing food playing out in the messy au where David will also be cooking but in a completely different context/power dynamic?)

HAHAHAHA! I CAN FINALLY TALK ABT THIS WITHOUT SEEMING LIKE F SCOTT FITZGERALD BEGGING PEOPLE TO KNOW WHAT THE GREAT GATSBY WAS!!!!!

okay. im calm now.

so for a couple years now i have deeply and secretly loved the concept of food as a symbol for community. i didnt use it in fic for a long time for a variety of reasons. one, it just never really felt right. two, my love of this symbol is very much connected to my southern-ness, and while im sure many people have just as strong, if not stronger connections between food and community, i didnt really know if people reading my stuff would Get It or connect w it.

i finally decided to use it for tied together for two reasons. first, this is my most definitively southern fic. ive written other fics with Humid Small Town Energy but this is my first that i really let myself go “fuck it. crawfish boils. hurricanes. middle aged women with crushes on jim cantore.” as such, it felt like if i was going to go for this symbol at any point, it needed to be with this fic. the second is that due to Pandemic and also living across the country from the majority of the family i grew up with, i have been kind of starved of community experiences as of late. i wrote tied together entirely during a period when i havent spent time with anyone besides my immediate family, so i was really thinking about community and the nature of it and how fucking badly i wanna have a massive meal with people and hence... this symbol

with the background of my decision to include it covered, let’s get into how it appears in tied together!!

in chapter one, the majority of food’s appearances are... impersonal, if that makes sense? its all premade, whether its drive-through stuff, tv dinners, etc etc, and he doesnt know the person who made it. its also worth pointing out that around the time jack and his mom stop sharing meals is the point they become disconnected from each other. essentially, that’s the disconnect from community throughout jack’s early life

davey comes around and it. is pretty obvious from the start that, through this symbol, he is the Literal Embodiment Of Connection To The People Around Him. food was a really key way for me to show just how connected he is to his community-- he’s constantly cooking for other people, working for battalion, helping people get good food, contributing recipes to little cookbooks. the end chapter also nods to this in the scene w his family where esther mentions he made her teach him to cook for a group, and the conversation afterwards where he mentions that he wouldn’t be comfortable with people paying him to make them food or making food for strangers. cooking for other people is essentially davey’s way of nurturing the community around him and becoming closer with people, so to make food in an impersonal way goes against everything he knows about food and sharing it. the interactions he has through food represent the larger relationships and interactions he has within his community. juxtaposed to jack, he’s built this little world around him filled with people that he loves and cares for, even if that does lay a heavy burden on him at points. if i ever write something delving deeper into davey in this au, i’ll elaborate further-- but, essentially, davey’s role as The Provider of food for the people around him was a real stand-in for the way that he feels both within his family and his larger community.

think of it this way-- in all the scenes we see with davey cooking at a large event-- i.e., the crawfish boil-- he’s always pushed off to the side by that. there’s usually someone talking to him or checking in on the food, but he’s not able to be engaged in the larger hubbub and discussion of the party because he’s busy. it’s in providing food for people and sharing that with him that he gets fulfillment out of the experience. in his family, we see that davey is a little bit isolated. he was growing up at the exact time when mayer’s alcoholism was getting worse and hitting its peak, and he left before mayer ever really managed to get very far into recovery. his time in their house, essentially, was a lot of heavy lifting and few moments of solidarity and joy. he loves his family, of course, it’s just a very labor-intensive process. and then, of course, he has a similar experience to what a lot of southern marginalized people feel-- this intense need to care for and better your community when your community very frequently doesn’t care for you. davey has absolutely zero capacity for apathy in this au, and it definitely shines through with this whole dynamic. he works SO HARD to care for people, even if he isnt always able to fully enjoy being around them and being loved by them

and then, of course, you have the way davey and jack interact through this motif-- davey teaches jack how to cook, gives him a cookbook, invites him over for meals, etc etc. sharing that with him essentially represents welcoming jack into his community as a whole, and giving him a place there. jack mentions davey “clearing a spot at the table” for him, and that’s both literal and figurative.

additionally, while davey uses food as a way to bring jack into his community, jack also makes davey a little less isolated. in a lot of the scenes in chapter 5, theyre cooking together, in a very domestic, symbiotic sort of way. i wanted this to demonstrate how jack relieves some of the burden davey puts on himself and exists sort of Within davey’s bubble rather than just reaping the benefits

i also wanted to illustrate with this how jack repairing his relationship w food keys into this. obviously we have the disconnect that he has early on where his unfamiliarity w what he eats and who makes it represents a larger disconnect between him and the people around him, but jack does also absolutely use food as a coping mechanism and a crutch. not to get, again, TOTALLY gatsby here, but he’s chasing that sense of community and belonging and understanding in the wrong places. it’s once he begins to actually make food for himself and understand the process of it and be able to carry something through to completion that he’s able to actually Enjoy food, yknow? i wanted that to mirror the way throughout the earlier parts of his life that he tried to kind of slap up temporary relationships and make do with that.

side note about jack and food: jack has undiagnosed adhd (and some vague comorbidities rip) in this au, and his experiences with it i preeeetttty heavily lifted from my life and my special brand of fucked in the head. (for those of you who don’t know, carb and sugar cravings are a symptom of adhd, hence why food is often a coping mechanism for us fhskdhs). cooking and baking are processes that have REALLY helped me get a handle on myself-- it gives me an outlet for movement and stimulation, and its something that i can carry through till the end and get an actual end product that i can recognize and benefit from. plus, real time consequences if i let something do whatever for ten more minutes! so thats another element i added to the way that jack builds healthier coping mechanisms over time-- he moves away from food as a crutch and instead develops a new form of CREATING that gives him an outlet and a feeling of productivity

those are some Vague thoughts. i will probably elaborate in the future!

now, for the messy au, rather than food symbolizing community, i chose to have it represent vulnerability.

a quick review: jack married rich, and davey is jack’s new wife’s cook. on his wife, dorothy’s part, i wanted this to shine through in this squeaky clean, pristine image that a lot of rich people try to craft. she never cooks for herself, never pays much attention to davey, never draws attention to him. in essence, she is creating as few weak spots as possible-- she refuses to be vulnerable to the people and the society around her.

with davey, however, his and his family’s livelihood depends on him cooking for this woman, and later for her and her husband. he’s forced into this position of extreme vulnerability and weakness by his financial situation, and cant really regain his sense of privacy or self because of that. its also a point in this story that he has very little time or wherewithal to cook for his FAMILY. so, his job forces him into a vulnerable situation with complete strangers who hold an upper hand over him but denies him the opportunity to be vulnerable with his own family, only reinforcing this idea that he is the protector and the provider and as such cannot have weak spots and cannot, under any circumstances, break

it also really highlights the difference between jack’s relationship with his wife vs with davey and smalls-- all the scenes of he and dorothy eating together are in grand, fancy rooms, with a certain amount of pomp and circumstance and dignity attached. with davey and smalls, though, he’s usually in the kitchen, having conversation, enjoying their company, helping them with menial things. that’s an environment that he’s used to and comfortable with, the kind of relationships and interactions he grew up with, while the stuffiness of his life and interactions with dorothy are entirely less vulnerable and close

that’s just a brief overview, but its something to look for when i finally finish the fic! it definitely started as a very soapy sort of thing, but my damn instincts pushed me to delve deeper into the characters and their relationships and the fucked-up-ness of it all. so, here we are

i really hope this helped!!!! this is not organized AT ALL so please tell me if there’s anything else you wanted to know or any details you noticed

#holy FUCK is this long..#about writing #tied together #asks #thank u so much for giving me an excuse to positively SCREAM abt this

6 notes · View notes

dolphin-enthusiast · 4 years

Note

ahhh it is embarrassing how my siblings find me in the most candid moments,, i'm just glad that the video didn't spread too far among my friends,, because i know for a fact that if it reached far enough, someone would end up posting it here!! at least they always threaten to do so... 😖💫 oh my, and morgy dear, you are one sly fox, don't think i missed where you called my existence "ethereal" in tags... you are way too sweet to me!! but really, the only thing ethereal here is you~ 💞 (2/9)

"i started watching playthroughs of the ace attorney games today (since i can't afford to buy any of them) and i really enjoy it so far!! i can't wait to watch more, and this coming week, i plan to set a day aside to watch more of our show 😉 (3/9)

ooh, something quite funny has happened today,, i put out this question on instagram asking if any of my friends want to go out for dinner with me sometime (since i was bored and i think it's a nice idea hehe) and now i have TONS of people saying yes!! oh gosh, it's quite crazy! i feel bad for it but i think i have to pic just a few people, since the amount of contenders is overwhelming,, ahhhh i do hope they'll take it well!! 😅 (4/9)

today was spent working,, tailoring clothes and cleaning the house to be exact,, it was all so tiring, and unfortunately i was the only one who was able to do it since everyone else was "busy",, mamma mia,, but i did end up having to do more food shopping today, and it started to storm super hard while i was out! i am scared of thunderstorms, so being out and about during one is truly a nightmare for me!! (5/9)

they are so beautiful but terrifying at the same time,, oh gosh, it was even worse since i was out by myself,, no one to latch onto for safety 😖 i think the thunderstorm may be related to a hurricane that is incoming towards my country,, it most likely won't hit as bad in the north (where i am) since the storms tend to die down and wash out in the atlantic by the time they reach here, so we'll probably just get more thunderstorms,, (6/9)

though in return, we get these awful storms that we call nor'easters, which are basically wintry hurricanes they are truly awful for me to live through since i do not do well with cold at all,, my friends and i actually got caught in one by accident last year, and we were stuck outside for 3 whole hours... ah that was such a scary situation!!!!we all ended up going to the hospital to get checked out since we were trapped for so long... (7/9)

everyone i know in person always talks about how we're "survivors", but i'm not sure if that's the right term to use... i guess it's the law of equivalent exchange? a hurricane for a nor'easter hehe ☁ speaking of storms, when the rain died down, i went to check on the bunnies,, and the poor cuties were soaked and shivering! i offered them my raincoat and umbrella to stay under, but i guess they were desperately cold, to the point where they cuddled up to me! (8/9)

i ended up laying there for half an hour, trying to warm the little bunbuns up,, and even though i came home shivering myself, i'm so happy that sacrificing my body heat was enough to help them!! 😊 oh my stars, i feel the tiredness hitting me, I guess that means sleepy time hehe! goodnight dolcezza, i'll see you tomorrow!! sending sweet dreams your way 💕 - love always, your adoring waifu 💋🌺💘💌🌠 ps: we must definitely go out to dinner together,, no if's and's or but's about it~! 😘 (9/9)"

Ok so before i say anything else tungle mighr have eaten the first part to ur letter and im boutta throw fists 🗿🗿🗿🗿 but either way i gotta say darling my eyes read over the words "sly fox" and i immediately c r e a s e d jhdusuxhdjs im only stating facts alright🤪🤪🤪 it wouldn't be the first time someone calls me sly but i take that as a compliment really👁️

And before we dive d e e p e r lemme tell u a lil secret....i myself did not buy the aa games so if u acc want to play em hmu👀👁️👀👁️

Ok so as for the storms thing i gotta say thats fuckin wild ur life really does sound like a move darling u know rhshxhd i do know its esp bad lately from another american friend of mine who told me that it also heavily rained in her area (she's on the east coast) so🗿🗿🗿 but ig u would be called survivors since technically u made it thru a natural disaster which is fuckin w i l d

Its nice to see that u were more productive again ofc (and also u warming those poor bunnies up? Icon 11/10 disney princess right fuckin here) but i gotta say once more idk how u do it....i'd be burning up the house when attempting to cook and shredding the clothes in less than a second🤡 my day was spent writing (smth non jojo related) then i went out and played football until my legs gave in and pain shot thru my entire body since my dumbass can go at it for h o u r s completely ignoring if i scrape some skin or shit like that just bc i wanna push thru and keep playing a h a

On another note, im p sure ur friends would all want to go out w u (i myself the most but shh) 👁️

#damn right im a sly snakey fox 😳😳#bc i'd be lying if i'd say i wouldn't fly to america and protecc u from [za storms]#the confessional

3 notes · View notes

strawberryspeachy · 4 years

Text

So when i watched death note in high school it made me curious about real japanese police work. I read about it alot and came to the conclusion that their justice system isnt too great.

Im currently upset that a coworker who i took as a friend - not only disliked me all along - but went as far as to lie about me to get me in trouble. That no one cared to hear my side. That i was fired on the spot. That people turned their back on me immediately. That no one cares.

Well. 17 year old me would have said. But of course. In Japan your guilty until proven innocent. That japanese put on a show but dont truely like most people. That they band together and will go out of their way to avoid any kind of conflict. That they care more about a pretty appearance than solving anything. 17 year old me that only heard and read about Japan knew these things. 17 year old me imagined this cool different country that works because theyre proud of this... performance way that they live. And i was amused by it. All i knew was america and european history. I was so hungry for something different. I was so interested in different people.

Then I went to Japan. I got here and it was too similar to manga. How silly, i thought, those a comics - i didnt actually expect the country to be like those comics. And ive never really been able to place what that made me feel but id grown past this bemusement of different “alien like” people. Theyre just people who live in another country i thought. I dont like america and our norms. I know nothing but america but i dont agree with any of our steriotypes. You cant describe me the way most would try to describe a typical american. So why would people from any other country be different. Im sure theres people like the sterotype - but certainly more not at all like that.

And i got here and i watched the smiles on service workers slowly fade when they thought no one was watching. I watched children put trash where it didnt belong thinking no one was watching. I was girls laugh loudly and run around and yell at their boyfriends. I watched drunk college kids hollar and reak havoc in the city. Not robot people, not obedient children, not, quiet and demure girls listening to the men, not studious students worried about their reputation. Just people. The same people i saw back home.

And so i thought. Its the same. Different history. Varrying values. Same old people - judgmental and watching everyone ready to scold them if they deem it necessary.

But that guilty until prooven innocent thing. The fact that the old way of caring about your reputation is still a solid work practice.

These things. Make me feel like... i guess.... to my dissapointment. Maybe america really is more free...

I dont want that to be true. The us is so full of itself. Just like healthcare. I want universal health care to be a good thing and at very least in japan its not really. Its better. Its more affordable. Maybe their problem is just how much they hate drugs and thats what stops real care.

But. Ive always been a cautious person - i just dont want to get in trouble. But ive never thought id be in a situation i couldnt talk my way out of - because i dont do anything super bad. Maybe sometimes ive pressed the limits - but never outside of... like i drank underage. I tried to get into bars i wasnt old enough for. Ive dodged paying for the train fare. Dumb things. Things that the worse that would happen is i gotta pay it somehow or id get scolded. Drinking under age is against us law but its almost never taken too seriously.

But its occurred to me. Yeah. In japan it is guilty until prooven innocent. I really could have gotten in legal trouble for baseless allegations.

And japan is as racist and people say. Theyre friendly and try to talk to you in english and say nice things. And it doesnt seem like racism to a person from the states. Out racist look at you with digust. They wont touch you. They wont talk to you. They dont want to know about you

But here... it takes the form of a racist parent who grew up in the 50s and knows that theyre not supposed to be racist but still is.

Theyre welcoming and friendly to your face but talk shit behind your back. They ask a bunch of questions like (in america “where are you really from”) they refuse to accept you might actually belong. They constantly want to assert how different you are so instesd of telling you that your different - they ask questions or explain what theyre doing. And if you say ‘yes we also do this’ they react with disbeleif - what? No! You couldnt possibly get this - this is our thing and you are not us! And they constantly ask if you miss your home. Assume that you’re uncomfortable because they are. Also also. Instred of not wanting to touch you here - theyre much more willing to push you out of the way

Theres many mixed race kids here now though. I assume theyll have to do the same thing that happened in America. I havent met any mixed race adults but ive met plenty of white dads.... all trying super hard to assimilate to the point that they walk around talking like robots. Swearing that everything japan is great and they dont miss their home cointries at all. Pretty similar to the immigrants of america from when my mom was a kid.

So i still think at least for japan. Theyre way more similar to the west than they think they are. But these restricting regulations that they live by... really does make the country seem not as free as id ignorantly beleived it was.

It surprised me because their rules are so much like the way my great grandmother talked about stuff. And while were supposed to care... we just dont in the states. Respect your employer? Sure we say we do to their face but talk shit with coworkers. Worry about your reputation? Eh think im a bitch i dont give a fuck whatcha gonna do about it? Nothing thats right. Dont like another person? No one cares. Like that person or dont - it doesnt change anyone elses relationship with them. Make a mistake? Well if your boss fires you - everyone already probably thinks their an asshole cause generally mistakes are just met with some form of dickwaving belittlement. Pretty sure most of us get mad everytime we hear a story about someone getting fired because they posted a picture of them in a bikiki or having fun - most of this generation agrees thats dumb and has to change.

I feel more like an american now than ever. Americans are reluctant to change im told. Yes. I suppose we are. We might not know the rest of the worlds history but we kinda know our own. And as much as ive alwags agreed with the sentiment that cultures are different and thats just the way they want to be.... we used to be these ways but decided it was restrictive and controlling and mentally abusive and fought it...

Ive been reading more about the work culture in japan to figure out how he fuck this went so wrong. Apparently when young japanese people enter the work force, they cant even have friends as distractions outside of work because their boss will move them away from home.

Ive already read that japanese think suffering is good and seniority and witness first hand their preoccupation of appearing busy over actually being productive. Its just this constant performance.

Perhaps i did stress him out to the point of physical pain. I remember having a massive meltdown where i shook and it felt like my brain was melting after i tried so hard to be a good nice person. I did whag people apparently like. I changed myself to just agree with people and be positive and assume the best in everyone. Then my “friend” told me that i was a bad friend because i asked them if they would people drive their friends home so i could to sleep at 4am. And the two things just didnt click. I didnt go to sleep that night. I sat at my desk shaking for the next 5 hours and having flashbacks.

Im talkative. I talk as much as i do here in real life. And i have alot of questions. I talked to him a lot. Made him look not busy. I know he liked talking to me. I know he did. Thats why i got confortable talking more. He was always surprised when i asked him questions about himself but once he started answering he kept talking. Yeah. Its nice to have someone ask you what your thoughts are on topics. What your experiences have been. Did you like those things or not. I know japan it a group think culture - i guess they get there by really draining out ANY idea of individualality. He told me hed never been asked what he likes about himself. In the us were asked that constantly from elementary school “what do you like about yourself. What do you like about your friend. What makes you different?”

It kinda baffles me... questions and thoughts like these are so common in anime.... and obviously anime is popular in japan. Obviously obviously. Im confused how theyre watching these programs often with such deep meanings.... and not taking anything away from them. In the states our tv programs are always being restricted and stuff because they might give us “bad ideas” but they aren’t restricted here and yet... it seems no one takes anything from them

When i visited japan in 2013 i saw a teenage girl in huge heels lose her balance and stomp on a middle aged womans foot. That woman had already been standing like her feet were in pain and she made a face of being in so much pain. The girl rudely didn’t apologize and the older woman said nothing. She smiled through her pain...

And i also complained to my coworker. Not full on complaining. The small ones you make at work when youre not sure of the extent you can go to. At first he held off like the other teachers. But. Then. He started complaining back. It got to me not needing to be the one say an annoyance first. Like i asked how his meeting was. Other people i worked with might leave it ah it was a bit slow but necessary. And he started that way. But instead he started responding to me a succession of statements the slowly crept more toward his real feelings. ‘It was good... we didnt do much... or anything, i just sat and listened and took notes. we dont learn anything, it takes up a lot of time but we have to go. I dont like those meetings. I dont know their pupose... but were told to go so we must’

Whatever. Im just gonna keep rambling and complaining about this cause it sucks and is awful. Contracted woth my company i wasnt allowed to publically critisize japan. I imagine thats why you dont often find many things on the internet complaining. You will literally be unemployable if your name is attached to critisisms of this country.

Where as everyone can come to the states and tell us to our faces how much we suck and how much cooler their countries are. And generally the younger general is just kinda like - ‘you right’ people write articles all the time shit talking the states and we just go ‘ya we deserve that’ we do. Im not saying dont do that... but like... maybe just maybe. Were doing the good thing where were like

Haha call us fat! We are fat. We love us some mcdonalds. Hm.... why though. Actually we need to fix that. Why are people eating so unhealthy? What is the underlying cause of this problem? Lets try to work on that - and then we fight amoungst ourselves.

I like that... i like thay thing we do

In the states you might not want to become a ‘whistleblower’ and in some industrys you might get black listed for something dumb. But at least we talk about it and agree its a problem. In japan no one wants to even admit they have problems.

Know what else i told him. I talked about how were overworked in the states. That our work culture has gotten too similar to japans and we hate it. No one working 80 hour weeks thinks that they should have to do that. Of course i didnt go about it that way. I told him that my friends back home work 80 hour weeks and its unhealthy. That i cant work that much and refuse to. He i imagine counted how many hours he works and laughed and i said - oh haha yea i guess you also work that much. And he looked so much like he wanted to cry about it in the same way my friends back home. But said its natural in japan and that hes gotten used to it. But he definitely didnt mean it as he said it. I told him my friends say that as well. That i think theyre workaholics and i personally cant do it. That when work calls them they always pick up the phone even when they dont want to. But i dont do that. When my job called me as a server id ignore it and call them back later when it was too late for me to be asked to come in and ask them what they wanted.

Maybe to him my stories felt like when i read about students in europe being allowed to not go to school without reprucussions. It made HAVING to go to school evem more annoying. Why cant we choose to take breaks? I heard that place doesnt have homework - meanwhile im given at least 6 hours work a night! Not everyone has to do this? Other places learn things for fun?? They dont have to keep up with standardized exams that dont account for different teachers and school districts?? A 50% in that country isnt a failing grade???

Those were already shitty things but to read about them not bein universal did make having to endure it more upsetting.

Doesnt change that im stoll upset with him for not saying anything to me. Doesnt change that im mad that he made stuff up.

Really me rambling on about this doesnt change my presepective on any of it. Im just bitching

1 note · View note

alicezan-ncgred · 5 years

Text

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative.

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this.

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too.

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin.

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better.

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression.

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that.

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD, Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind.

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue.

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt.

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly.

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling.

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode.

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell.

#Long post #tw: suicide #TW: Depression #Trigger Warning #TW #OCD #Anxiety #Chronic Depression #Bipolar Disorder #Bipolar #Mental Health #My mental health

7 notes · View notes

sadistcatgirl · 5 years

Text

i’m having kind of a bad time. it’s a bunch of little things, i think. just a deep sense of dissatisfaction about everything i’m doing. i’m not cutting this post, deal with it.

i recently had a kinda shitty fallout with somebody i considered a pretty decent friend. i’m not completely blameless, and some of the things they said to me had traction, but the majority of it was a gross mischaracterization of me based on their perception of my intent behind doing certain things. but they never talked to me about it, never asked why i was doing those things, never told me that the things i was doing was upsetting to them until it was already too late and they were blowing up at me about it. i know this friend is in a bad mental health place, and i think a new person in their life is trying to isolate them from their old friends and social groups, but there’s only so much i can... do... about that. that might explain some of why they’re acting erratically. mostly i’m worried about my friend, worried they’re gonna do something dumb, but unable to extend the emotional effort to work through this in a real way. that leaves me feeling shitty.

talon and i have been working through some ideas on what she wants to do re: transitioning, and im not gonna go into any of that because its her business, but all of this talking about actions she does and doesn’t wanna take is making me feel some kind of way about my own inertia regarding my gender shit. i keep circling around it and it’s getting harder and harder not to admit that i’d probably be a lot happier as a trans guy, but i’m unable to make myself do any of the steps involved in getting there. i’m afraid of changing my body. it’s the only one i’ve ever had, and it’s always been like this. it’s easy to make grooming and wardrobe choices that get rid of gendered things that i was doing for gendered reasons as opposed to because i like them, but. i think i’d be a happier person if i took it further than that. i’ve never really given a lot of thought to actually doing that, because being the way i am now doesn’t make me feel bad. i have very little gender dysphoria, and the little that i do have is, like. it’s kinda background. it’s easily pushed aside. my tits are small. being soft feels pretty alright. but it’s like... it’s a neutral feeling only slightly bordering on positive, and i think i could feel a lot better if my body was a lot different. i’d rather feel good than neutral, even if feeling neutral isn’t harming me at all, you know? but god, that’s scary!! what if i’m not nearly as cute as a guy as i am as a person who passes as a girl?? i’m... i’m decently cute as a girl. i know this, even if i don’t really like being a girl. but what if i’m just a fucking ugly weird lookin dude? what if taking testosterone reacts negatively with my chronic illnesses? what if it gives me a worse eating disorder than i already have? would i ever even be able to achieve the kind of body i want? i don’t think i realistically can, and that’s always been the thing that stops me. i don’t super care about not having a dick or whatever, but i could never have the kind of build that i want. not with my anxiety and my chronic illnesses and my health troubles and all that bullshit. i can’t work out. i can’t build muscle. i don’t know where this line of thought is going, exactly, except that i’m just. i’m just not happy.

i’m frustrated by my job situation because my attention span keeps being shit and i cant force myself to focus for more than like 3-4 hours in an 8 hour workday, which means my productivity lags waaay behind my colleagues, and they know it. nobody that i work with likes me, they’re absolutely neutral on me at best and at worst some of them think i’m a lazy piece of shit because they see me being out here having a disability accommodation and probably undiagnosed adult adhd and just not performing at the level that they are, and they make their own assumptions as to why this is happening. some lady said something shitty to me about it earlier this year. i only barely skated in under the production quota for the year, which is on my mind because i just finished my performance self-appraisal.

talon just got a job and since she’s doing that for nine hours a day, i don’t get to see her nearly as much, and when we do see each other in the evenings we’re both too tired from work to really do much aside from sit together in silence doing our respective wind-down shit. i hate that. i like having a second income, and i know it makes her feel good to be holding something down, but ugh. i hate this.

i’m not satisfied with the pace of any of my roleplay stories, but i don’t wanna be a nagging or annoying roleplay partner, because god fucking knows i’ve had times when i needed other people to be patient with me. so i’ve been sitting on my hands and not harassing my partners too often, but i’m like. i’m all lit up like fucking christmas, and waiting is agony. it’s bursting to get out of me!! i just wanna get the words out!! i don’t know how to talk about that with them in a way that comes off how i want it to and not needy. or i guess i technically know how, i know exactly how to be like “hey could you just sorta give me a heads up on it if you can’t rp today? not rushing you, i just wanna know so i’m not waiting around for it.” but i don’t have the brainspace to make the diplomatic words go right now, not with all this other shit on me. so i don’t say anything because that feels better than trying and saying it wrong.

anyway i stopped in the middle of writing a roleplay post to write this post instead because i just started crying for no reason in my living room at 3am, lol. i know that sounds alarming, but i’m a really stable person who doesn’t do dumb shit. i’m just dealing with a lot of small buckets of water right now and collectively they’re too heavy to deal with so i gotta dump something. what else are blogs for, i guess.

6 notes · View notes

spookyenemyperson-blog · 6 years

Text

homeowners insurance quotes utah

"homeowners insurance quotes utah

homeowners insurance quotes utah

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freeinsurancequotes.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

RELATED QUESTIONS:

Rover75 rear hit by a 4x4. Garage says not repairable what do I do? how much will the insurance pay?

The 4x4 damaged the rear end of my Rover 75, impossible to shut boot and lights not working. The garage and insurance now say it is not repairable. - but even after the accident, the car was driving perfectly. How much will the insurance company pay? Will they? Is there any way I can get the car fixed?""

What good are healthcare insurance brokers?

I called one two weeks ago & he was going to email me different quotes. He never bothered to, and so I called him & asked where they were. He said he forgot. Meanwhile I called another health care insurance broker & she too sent me some quotes. I attempted on line to apply for one, but there was a problem with the form allowing me to go further. I not only called the broker like she said I could if there was a problem, but I also emailed her about the problem. She didn't return my phone call, and as of yet has answered my email. It seems to me they must not want to make a commission, so is it just best to contact the health insurance companies on their own? In the past a broker was able to tell me if I would qualify if there would be a mark up above standard rates. Now they say just apply on line and see what happens. Everything has to be on line which always obviously doesn't work. So, what good are health insurance brokers? They need to just do away with them if they aren't going to work.""

How long do i have to add new car to insurance policy in virginia?

how long do i have to add new car to insurance policy in virginia?

How can I get product liability insurance?

I'm going to sell some of my homebuilt PC's on ebay, and I have been thinking about worse case scenarios. For example, if the power supply somehow catches fire and burns down the house, I will have insurance and they wouldn't be able to sue me for everything I have, right? Where and how and how much?""

How much does health insurance cost for just a baby?

Im on my grandpas insurance until the summer of next year and Im due in Feb. I just recently found out that the insurance will cover the birth but not the baby...idk what to do. I ...show more

2006 ford mustang v6 considered a sports car or a coupe on insurance?

I have been reading that the v6 is considered a coupe and the v8 is a sports car. I have Allstate insurance anybody have a clue on how much my insurance would be a month for the v6?

Where can a marijuana smoker get affordable life assurance?

it depends on if your a heavy smoker or just smoke a few times. if they ask for health records then you will be in a higher quote, but also when they ask you question on health and you answer honestly it will help you in the long run because then you will be covered for the need of that disability since your health assurance new you can since you are a smoker. but it depends on if your a heavy smoker or just smoke a few times.""

How cheap could i get insurance?

im 17, gonna be 18, no parking violations tickets or accidents whatsoever. the reason i ask is because the state i live in requires insurance.""

Life Insurance for over 40's?

Is there an over 40's plan in the UK that lasts more than 11 years. Know of any companies, tried direct line not luck. Thanks""

Insurance quote on nissan navra ?

in febuary i will be 17 is there any chance i would be able to get a quote on a truck like that or am i living in a dream world

""On average, how much will my insurance cost?""

I'm 17 and female. on average how much do you think my insurance would cost on a 1.2L corsa 2003 model, with a black box fitted? Also would it be cheaper if i put the insurance in my dads name (9 years no claims) and me as a named driver? I'm struggling to find quotes as i haven't passed my test yet, just wondering whether it's worth buying this car thanks in advance BQ: do you know of any cars which are fairly cheap for teenagers to insure?""

I need advice for my auto insurance claim! Please help!!?

I was in a car accident 4 days ago. My Mother was the passenger in my car (I was driving). I was on the off ramp getting off the freeway. All cars behind me were stopped. I was stopped waiting to make a right turn. An emergency vehicle was coming in my direction from my left. Therefore, I was waiting for the emergency vehicle to pass. The person behind me (large dodge ram truck I am in an '08 2 door Infiniti coupe) thought I went so he 'gunned it' to get in front of the emergency vehicle. Unfortunately, we had not gone so he pushed my vehicle out in front of the emergency vehicle. Luckily, I was able to turn my car out of the way. I did not hit anyone (no one was in front of me). My Mother and I were both put into a gurney and taken to a local hospital in an ambulance. We both had our seat belts on and suffered whiplash. We were released 5-6 hours later after x-rays, etc. We were both prescribed medicine. My Mother has had 3 brain tumors and has trouble with her speech etc. and any violent startling trauma can get her shaken up pretty badly and confused. I know she hit her head but, she is in pain but not nearly as much as I am. With my Mother's condition I don't know if this kind of thing can have negative effects later on. I know that my neck and back is pretty messed up. It hurts to stand for after 15 minutes or so. My car is pretty messed up and had to be towed. I plan on taking it back to the Infiniti shop to get all new parts. My car has all the upgrades in it so I want it to be taken care of. Am I allowed to take it to the Infiniti dealership or will Geico (the other persons insurance) not allow that, or does it not matter? The police gave the guy that hit us a citation. I have USAA and the other person has Geico. I just want to know exactly what to do in this situation. Since I'm out a car (I work for myself) I have been out (already) a decent amount of money for not being able to meet up with my clients. I spoke to my insurance today and they said that all my medical is covered since I had that already in my plan (without it raising my premium) and that I should get a settlement ON TOP of paying for damages to my car and getting me a rental, etc. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I don't want to get taken for a ride. I've heard the horror stories of dealing with insurance companies. Any advice on what I should make a point of saying to the other insurance company, etc. Thanks in advance....""

Car insurance by age.?

1. How much is the average payment on car insurance every month for someone who is 21 years of age? 2. Is it cheaper on your insurance to buy an old car or, is it just better to buy a fairly new one?""

What would be the best choice for health and dental insurance?

I' am 22 year old college student in california and don't have insurance. i was wondering if anyone can help me with choosing a provider. i don't really know how health insurance works. but i would like to get something decent thats not to expensive or to cheap, i do want good coverage just in case. thank you""

Seriously...How do you really understand your car insurance coverage?

It's certain things that the company doesn't make very known about how much is paid if an accident occurs. Can someone help me? I recently purchased a policy with Geico. 500 deductible on comp and colli. Still owe 14,500 on car and it's only worth 10,000 per blue book. My goodness. This world is not fair. Father save us. So many people out to get over on consumers.""

How can i get cheaper car insurance?

First speeding ticket how much will my insurance increase and for how long?

I recieved my first moving violation (speeding ticket) and would like to know the cost/percentage/etc of a potential increase (if any) to my insurance. I am reluctant to call my State Farm agent for fear that they'll pull the record now and re-do my rates instead of towards the end of 6 months when I am up for renewal. Any takers?

Car modifications and insurance?

I was wondering which modification to a car can increase the price of car insurance, could something as small as alloys affect it? And if you have already had the car for a while then make modifications do you have to tell the insurance company?""

Cheap car insurance UK?

any tips to bring the price down? or any insurers going cheap atm? 24 yr old guy 1 yrs no claims citeron saxo desire 03 reg park it on a drive way

What is the cheapest car insurance for someone who has tickets?

(male, living in sacramento, ca)""

Gerber Life Insurance?

What exactly is Gerber life. Insurance? And is it worth investing in?

Is it Ok to buy insurance for me and let other people buy the car?

It is cheap to buy me insurance, so I am just wondering if I can buy the insurance and let other people to drive the car.""

Why do I need title insurance?

I'm buying a piece of property, the lender says I have to get title insurance, why?""

Need a ballpark insurance estimate?

hello all, i dont actually HAVE this car, but i plan on having it soon here (within the next 6 months) and was just wondering if someone could give me their best ballpark estimate 18 year old male Lives with parents still No Traffic Violations ; 1 small fender bender about 3 months after i got my license (if that matters) 2002 Ford Explorer XLS 4x4 I have taken Drivers Ed Single (well, not married anyway) please and thanks""

Do I have to include my husband on my auto insurance policy?

Without him on it, my monthly bill would only be $44. With him on it, it's $135. Do I legally have to include him on the policy?""

homeowners insurance quotes utah

""I am a nursing student in California, where could I get a professional liability insurance in the amount of..?""

$1, 000, 000 per occurence/$3, 000, 000/aggregate. Please give me their internet sites so I could read on.""

What would insurance cost on a 1987 Firebird for a 16 year old?

My family has 2 cars. One is a 1994 Ford Escort. Another is a 1999 Honda Passport. My insurance company is State Farm. I'm a 16 year old male. If my mom is the primary driver on a 1987 Firebird, I'm the primary driver on the 1994 Ford Escort, and my dad is the primary driver on the 1999 Honda Passport, how much would it cost? I guess State Farm requires me to be fully insured on all 3 cars, but if there is only liability on the Firebird and the Escort, could I maybe get insurance for $1,600/year? I have 1 ticket to my name (no turn on red), but i'm going to court in like 2 weeks to get that taken care of. I've been driving since April. Thanks.""

Is insurance higher on a bmw then other cars? Even if it's a old sedan bmw?

Looking for a used car. Found a 2000 bmw 325i. Dads FREAKING OUT saying the insurance on it would be way higher then other cars because it's a luxary sports car even tho it's old as dirt. and doesn't go fast AT ALL.

""Do You have To pay A Brokers Fee, When They Find U Car Insurance?""

I know some one who payed a huge brokers fee, when they found car insurance for her. Are all broker fee expensive. (finders fees).""

How to convince parents to let me have auto insurance?

I've had my license for a little over three months now. However, I have no insurance, and therefore cannot drive (in California). Their reasoning is that I am an unsafe driver which I disagree with because I quite easily passed my driving test at the DMV and always think before I do anything when I drive. However, they seem firm on their decision... It's a bit frustrating having my license for so long but still being unable to drive. I'm tired of having to always ask friends for a ride or my parents; I just want a taste of independence. Of course, I'm not trying to be too arrogant or stubborn, I've respected my parent's decision, it's just bugging me a bit now haha. I offered to do a six-month plan instead of a year plan since I'm heading off to college in Septemberish. I'm about to turn 18 in a couple weeks also. Does anyone have any advice?""

""How much a month is the average homeowners insurance payment on a 100,000 home?

Thanks

Whats health insurance?? :O?

i need an MRI but we dont have health insurance so its going to be a while before we can get all the money. whats health insurance do? how much is it?

About car insurance in virginia?

what car insurance company responsible for, what is the limit of policy, whats the liability?""

Does my mom need to add me to her car insurance?

So, I never got my permit. I have been waiting to turn 18. In the state of Florida. I do not need a permit 18 or over. My thing is . Her car insurance won't let me be on her insurance without a drivers permit or licence. I'm stuck now. I was wondering will the dmv require me to be on her insurance in order to take the drivers test ?""

How about Universal Auto insurance?

Universal Dental, universal home insurance, universal life insurance, universal pet medical insurance, universal flood insurance, universal renters insurance. Wouldn't it be a good idea to have the government provide all insurance to everybody? There couldn't be problems with that right? ( please note heavy sarcasm )""

Which company has the lowest price on car insurance for teenagers in Mississippi?

car insurance

Can I go on my boyfriends health insurance florida?

I am living with my boyfriend for a year can I go on his health insurance

I am single. Do I need life insurance?

I am a 40 year old guy in good health. I have health insurance. Do I need life insurance or some other kind of insurance?

""What is third party car insurance? Can I, with no insurance, drive someone else's car, if they have insurance?""

So heres the deal. I don't have car insurance, my friend does. He seems to think that because he has third party insurance , I am able to drive his cause because the third party insurance will cover me in case of an accident. I don't think he's correct but, I'm not entirely sure how it works. So, what is third party insurance? Can I, with no insurance, drive someones else's car, if they have insurance? If they have third party insurance? Is there anything at all, in any kind of insurance that would allow me to drive his car, without me having insurance - even though he has inurance? So I've said the same question 10 times but...can someone who is uninsured drive someones car, if the owner of that car is insured?""

What is the average homeowners insurance cost in CT for older homes?

Just got quoted an annual premium of $2300(!!) for homeowners insurance in a rural CT town (ISO rated 9/10) for a 300ish year old home in the 250-300k range. That seems exorbitantly high. What are others paying in CT for similar old homes in these quaint new england towns?

Any way to decrease my 4K quote to insure a 1.0L VW Polo?

I'm looking into buying my first car (17 year old driver), I have not passed my test yet but I'm looking to get a car to practise in. I found the car I wanted to buy, a 1.0L (999cc) 400 R Reg (1998) VW Polo, so practically the smallest engine money can buy. I needed to see how much it would cost to insure before and after I pass my test. It was 1200 a year on my provisional which is the sort of price I would expect but over 4000 when I set it to having passed my test. This is using go compare.com. Why is that so much money? I understand young drivers are high risk, but surely over 4000 a year for fully comp doesnt sound right.""

Car insurance estimate dispute?

I recently was bumped into in my parking lot and am trying to settle with their insurance company for how much the repair fee would be. I took it to one place and it was around $2100 with damage to both the front and back door (they said the front door would need to be replaced). I spoke with their insurance company and they said I needed to take it to their place to have an estimate. I took it to their place, and the guy asks me if I was going to have it repaired their or somewhere else. I told him I would get it repaired somewhere else, which meant I would get a check he told me. He inspected it and told me that there was a 50-50 chance it would need to be replaced on the front door so his estimate was only for $1300. He said if I go get it fixed and they say it is more, that their insurance will pay the difference. This sounded to me like they are trying to say if you want the cash you only get $1300. What should I do? Should I try to negotiate with their insurance company for the difference or get more estimates that say I would need the new door? I would like the check, but I feel like I am getting ripped off since it would take more to actually fix it more than likely.""

I bought a car with no tax road and no mot and no insurance.?

hi there. iam one of the unlucky driver in london , i have bought car from acution few days a ago and i was driving it from biritsh car acution to garage where my mechanic can have look at it. i was in my way to garage and some one carshed in my car, police where there and i asked for my info and i give it to them, i have said everything as i am saying it to u guys. i just bought car didnt have time for insurance and mot and tax road im in my way to mot station where i can get one, and they toke my info and drive off. as i have been moved from my perviuos address i didnt got any letter from them which i meant to be in court, now i have other letter which shows i have to be in court by 27 march, i just wana know, what will happen and im i gona get any points and how much fine?? is there any prison for it ,, please help me is so important ,this matter is playing with my life at the moment ?""

Why is Geico auto insurance so cheap?

I just got my Allstate bill in the mail and my insurance went up to $100/month. So, i called them, told them to screw off and called Geico. They told me because of my perfect credit, perfect driving record, etc...that it would only be $48/month. I obviously switched and asked them how they could be so cheap. She said it was mostly b/c they don't have agents. Is this just too good to be true?""

Camaro Vs. Mustang which is cheaper?

Camaro vs. Mustang which is affortable? Would a 2012 Camaro Coupe more affortable than a Mustang 2012 Mustang. By affortable i mean like insurances/ gas/ and all that other stuffs. Which one is cheaper in total to own? TY

How do Doctors get paid by insurance company?

When does a car insurance policy pull your driving record?

If you have a car insurance policy that renews on a specific date, when does the insurance company actually pull your driving record? I heard they pull it once annually. Does it make sense to delay a speeding ticket court date until after the insurance renewal date? The insurance company in question is Amica.""

What is the best insurance company!?

what is the best insurance company for me for my area.

How much would car insurance cost on a 2011 Eclipse GS Coupe if im 18 with better than a 3.0GPA in college?

I want to know how much would it cost me for car insurance on a 2011 Eclipse GS Coupe if i'm 18 with better than a 3.0 GPA in college and if it would cost me more just because its a Coupe?

""When you get married, how do you get off of your parent's insurance, etc?""

My dad still has me declared as a dependant, and my car insurance and health insurance is on his. When I get married will these automatically change, or do I have to notify the insurance companies and tax people?""

homeowners insurance quotes utah

""Claiming to have gotten my license at 16 years of age, for cheaper car insurance?""

I found out when getting a car insurance quote, that if you claim to have gotten your license at 16, it will lower your quote, and you can pay it right there online...my question is, will the company look for the issue date on your license? if they do, will they adjust your payments?...""

Can I be reimbursed for birth control paid for after Affordable Care Act took effect?

After paying my co pay for birth control for about a year, I finally asked my pharmacist what he knew about the Affordable Care Act. He ran my insurance and found out that I was eligible for free birth control. Is there any way for me to be reimbursed for the birth control that I paid for after the Affordable Care Act became effective?""

Cure auto insurance online?

I need insurance now! I have completed my form on cure auto insurance and I'm now on the last page to agreeing to the power of attorney and agreement to conduct business electronically and it saying over and over again that I must scroll and read it. But I have! Why won't it let me agree?

How much is the cost of delivering a baby in california without insurance?

Hi, i'm from the philippines, and I'm planning to give birth in california specifically in san francisco or los angeles where I have relatives. I wish to pay in cash but I would like to know how much discount I can get for a normal delivery or c-section. I hope you can provide me with organizations as well as their contact numbers that can guide me throughout the process within those area. Thank you so much.""

Which Car insurance would i preferred?

I want best insurance on my car, there are many types of insurance, which insurance is good for me, can you suggest me.""

""I will be under my parent's health insurance effective Jan 1, 2011 - will my baby be covered?""

my baby is due April 26, 2011. Will he be eligible to be under my parents policy with me or will I need different coverage? If so, any suggestions? I live in California.""

How much on average is just standard car insurance monthly?

How Much Is Car Insurance? Please Help?

Ok See im 16 and i have a 1990 Pontiac Firebird and I have a Junior License Year: 1990 Make: Pontiac Model: Firebird Trim: Engine: 6-Cylinder V-6 Trans: Auto Fuel: Gasoline Color: Black Interior: Grey Miles: 170000

Where to buy cheap auto insurance?

Im 19 years old and I have had my license for about a year. I have no speeding tickets and have never been in a wreck. My driving record is picture perfect. I have been driving my moms car and she has had me under her insurance so it was really cheap. But Im getting ready to buy an 06' Chevy Colbat and where I am buying it off a car lot, she cant afford to put me under her name on insurance, becuase I will have to get full coverage as where as before I had liability. Is there a place in WV or somewhere online that offers reasonable prices on full coverage insurance for someone of my age. My mom is telling me my insurance is going to be about as much as my car payment. Is there any way to get it lower? I need a cheap place for insurance! Thnks.""

What is an affordable life insurance for a cigarette smoker?

Cheap Car Insurance for Hobby Vehicle?

Hi, i've just completed a rally across europe, and i've fallen in love with one of the cars on it. Only thing is its not something i can afford to drive everyday, so i'm looking at getting the car (Vauxhall Calibra) and keeping it at home and just using it for shows and maybe a few drives in the country. Does anyone know of a cheap insurance company. Details are: Young Driver, 20, Student Limited millage (1500-2000 miles absolute tops) Vauxhall Calibra 2.0 16v I don't want it to go boy racing, just to look after and give me something to do!! My mate mentioned a insurance company in Ireland which gave him a quote on a Impreza turbo for like 700 (same age as me), but i can't remember the name of it. Only that its in ireland! Any help is really appreciated""

Where to get Motor Trade insurance?

I'm 23 years old and I live in Bradford so getting a quote is near impossible. I've called a lot of Motor Trade insurance companies but none have been able to quote me either due to me being under 25 or because I live in Bradford. Do you guys know any companies I can try?

Cost of insurance for a Landrover Freelander 1.8i for new driver?

I am 36 & thinking of buying a freelander 1.8i 3 dr for when I pass my test & I just want to know how to find out the cost of insurance without contacting any insurance company.

Does anyone know if the 5 hour turbine transition for helicopters is a reg or just an insurance minimum?

I can't find anything in the FAR's that mentions anything about having to do a 5 hour turbine transition when going from flying piston helicopters to turbines (as long as no type rating is required). Is it just an insurance minimum?

Suggestions on where to purchase good health insurance?

My husband and I are looking to purchase health insurance. We are young (under 25), healthy (non-smokers) and looking for coverage mainly for doctor's office visits and prescriptions. Can anyone recommend a good website or insurance company that we can look at to choose a plan? We live in Michigan if that makes a difference too.""

Affordable health insurance?

What are some affordable Health Insurance Options in NYC for Latin American father and his child to be? My friend doesn't have health insurance and is planning on putting his new baby (born around Oct.) on his policy with him. He's Latin American and has his permanent residence card, but is not yet a citizen. Anyone know of any affordable plans for him to look into in the Manhattan area?""

""21st Century, mainly for the reduced rates with the same as other carriers?""

21st Century Insurance Company is a quality, affordable carrier for automobile ... At 21st Century Insurance Company, we understand how complicated buying auto insurance can be....I'm thinking of switching my auto insurance from GEICO to 21st Century, mainly for the reduced rates with the same coverage. Anyone has any experience with ...for a quote go to http://www.quoteinsuranceauto.com""

Car insurance for young drivers?

hey im trying to get car insurance im 18 and i passed my driving test a year ago im currently sharing my dads vauxhaull insignia with him but i really want a car of my own to go out and about and go back and for to work does anyone know any good car insurance company's which are within reasonable prices ? all the quotes ive got are like 5000-8000 its ridiculous and this is with cars with low insurance groups its more than the car costs! also ive tryed these company's with trackers fitted to your cars but they say you need to be home by a certain time and leave a certain time which is no good because i leave at 6:00am in morning for work please help!!

I got a ticket for expired insurance in california....?

And i recently got car insurance so I went to court today and showed them and they said since i had no car insurance at the time of the ticket i have to pay nearly 400 dollars! so i got a 2 month extension to pay the ticket, is there anything i can do to reduce the ticket amount? or what will be the best thing to do? thanks a lot i really appreciate it!""

Car insurance for a 21 year old?

My friend has been quoted 1200 per year for car insurance and his 21. Is this alot? How can he get it cheaper and thats for an old banger!

""Non owner SR22 insurance for TEXAS, what is a cheap website?

I don't own a car so I don't know what to do... Help! Thanks

What is family floater plan health insurance?

i want to know about family floater plan health insurance

All options for affordable birth control of any kind?

Here's my problem. My dads insurance company (I'm a student, and did qualify for insurance last year through my job so he kept me on his since I'm 19) doesn't cover ...show more""

Car Insurance Renewal?

I currently have a 8 years no claims bonus and I am due to renew my car insurance at the end of this month. The quote is 520. However as the current value of my car is about 900-1000 and I only do about 3000 miles a year, I dont think its worth insuring this car for this year and plan to get rid of it. I plan to get a newer car next year or the year after. If I dont renew my car insurance this year and say there was a gap of 1 year or 2 between renewals, would I lose all of the benefit of my 8 years no claims? Would i have to start from 0 years no claims again? Any body help? Cheers!""

Insurance company law help!?

My old insurance company is trying to take me to court. My problem where i need to ask people who know some law is... Can an insurance company up the payment without consent? In my case:- 800 up to 2000+ From (UK provisional license) to (UK Full) Thank you in advanced!

homeowners insurance quotes utah

Car insurance cost and car's cost?

I'm 28 years old and I'm girl. I would like to buy a smart. First: Do you know approximately the cost for insurance car (this is my first time). Second: What are the other annual car's cost? and how much approximately they are? Thanks.

What is the best health insurance for me?

I'm a 21 year old male. I think I need to get some health insurance. I want to pay the least amount that I can per month or least amount per visit or both any input is great thank you :)

Second car insurance?

If I had a leased car with full coverage ($20,000 car), how much more would it cost each month to have liability insurance on another car. How much would each cost separately? (assuming 25 years old, good record, one driver would drive both cars).""

How much value does insurance comp. knock off when car has been damaged repaired?

i buyed a car that had previousally been in an accident and been repaired, i was not aware of this, and recently my car was stolen and the insurance company have said that they will reduce the value of the car and i wanted to know how much they will reduce it by and if i can do something to get a better value.? thankyou in advance.""

What to do when you have no health insurance?

I dont understand what to do if I'm sick or hurt and I dont have health insurance. The government wont help me, my community has meidcal assistance available to pregnant women, low income families with minor children and those who are aged, blind or disabled residing in the community or in a nursing home. And I dont qualify for any of these, I'm only 21, I'm not pregnant, and I dont have children. -how come help is given to people that are less responsible, but the people that try to do right dont get help at all? I cant afford health insurance, I dont qualify for government help, and I cant afford to go the hospital outright and get charged thousands of dollars that I will never be able to pay!""

Uninspected car covered by insurance in MA?

I've been driving my car uninspected for a while now because I haven't had the money (or the time to fix it on my own) and I know it will fail inspection. Does anybody know if my car would be covered by insurance anyways. (I have USAA)

Can car insurance companies commit an offence? IN10?

My car insurance company (One Call) recently cancelled my policy due to them not receiving my proof of no claims in time (that's another issue). However, they failed to notify me in time and I carried on driving my car for 5 days un insured, until the letter arrived (policy cancelled on 10/9/12 and letter sent 14/9/12). Does anyone know if they have committed an offence, IN10 or other? They also charged me 205 cancellation (even though an extension on the proof of no claims was agreed and then later denied when I questioned them) Any advice is very welcome. Thanks.""

Any place in CA that has cheap health insurance?

Please this is important. I need to know if any company sells cheap health insurance under $100 because my insurance got canceled because I'm not a full time student in college. I tried to apply right away but classes filled up really fast. And plus my ID expired and I was gonna get my drivers license before this all happened and I don't wanna pay $30 for both an ID and drivers license. My parents are gonna force me to get Tri Care insurance ($200 a month) if I don't find a cheaper company right away. And I don't wanna pay that much. Please help me, I'm so stressed out I'm having thoughts of suicide! I wish this never happened but I didn't know about this insurance thing/policy about full time classes until now. I'm so... stressed. Please help me out! Plus if you tell me about the company what do you have to lose? In fact it's helping you out! Thanks.""

Farmers Market Liability Insurance?

My girl friend and I are starting a new company that would sell smoothies and baked goods at Californias farmers market and it is our understanding that we need 100,00.00 liability insurance coverage to get into most markets. My question is how much on average do people pay for this and would the cost be different if we were to go under the cottage food act? Any information or suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks""

Do you have double health insurance coverage?

My wife is starting a new job and she is already on my insurance. We are thinking of having her on two insurance plans (Blue Shield HMO and Blue Cross PPO). We want to do this because we get so many medical bills, despite already having insurance. Will the secondary coverage cover a lot of those? How does that work?""

How much will a long lapse in my car insurance coverage cost me (on average) when I try to get inusrance again

And by long I mean between 6-12 months.

""In Las Vegas, do you have to have car insurance in order to drive? Is it required.?

Do you have to have car insurance to have a license?

Auto Insurance/Roadside Service. Is Roadguard Auto Club a scam?

I have Robert Moreno Insurance Services via my broker Adrianas Insurance. I googled Roadguard Auto Club, and cant find it. I dont think its a real company. The roadside assistance is $42 and its not mandatory. Their California Motor Club License is #3427-2.""

How can i get health insurance?

Hello I am 18yrs old and i am trying to get health insurance. I am a full time student. My mom is does not have health insurance either, Her income is really low and i dont have any income coming in.. Is there a health insurance that is right for me? Please answer""

Insured (auto) will not reply to her insurance companies repeat attempts for contact...?

Last week a minor - unlicensed male - put Escalade, his mother's vehicle, in reverse and ran into the front of my stopped Toyota Corolla. We happened to be in front of his mother's house so he ran inside and she and her son came out soon after. The mother gave me all of her info: insurance etc. and I went on my disgruntled way. I called her insurance company, and mine too, the same day and made a report. It has been one week and after repeated attempts to call and then sending her a letter for a reply she still has not made any contact with either insurance carrier. I did not bother with a police report because last year, when the same kind of accident happened to me, I called the police and they came and told me they did not need to take a report and that we should just contact our insurance companies. This is an accident that happened on 4-20-2010 in northern California. What are my options?""

How much would car insurance be a month for a 20 year old driving a mid nineties car?

I'm 20 years old and I've been driving since I was about 17. I currently share a car with my parents and am under their insurance. However I'm looking into getting a car ...show more

What would happen if I can't afford my car insurance?

I'm 18 and just got a car and insurance. I am set to pay on the 28th of each month, starting this month. My insurance is $236 a month and it's being taken directly from my checking account. Say by this time if I was short $20 - $30, what would happen? I know I'd get a $35 overdraft fee from my bank but what happen with the car insurance company?""

About how much does motorcycle insurance cost?

and is it more than car?...about...

""How much do i have to pay to cancel my auto insurance, if the vehicle is parked?""

My vehicle is currently parked and has parking insurance, this vehicle has been parked for over a week now, but i currently found some cheaper insurance and i would like to cancel my insurance, how much will it cost me to cancel it.""

Car Insurance?

What is the name of the car insurance I could get, that covers any one who drives my car but who is not on the policy? Thanks""

""When buying car, do i look at the fuel efficient or the insurance price of the car?

should i buy a car that will save me money on gas or buy a car that is cheap on insurance???

Seven years ago i got a speeding ticket with no proof of insurance in california.?

Then they turned it in to collections and suspended my licence. When does it get cleared?

What is the basic kind of insurance required by California Law?

What kind of insurance covers something like another driver hitting your car door, and then driving off before you could get their license plate # what is comprehensive , and what is collision, ?""

Can you get insurance for something you order online?

I'm buying a macbook pro from Pc world but will I be able to get insurance?

Which auto insurance is cheapest in new orleans?

homeowners insurance quotes utah

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/a1-auto-insurance-quote-mary-peacock/"

0 notes

linssikeittomies · 7 years

Text

Apocalypse. In 50 Years. Chapter 1: Virgin Allison

I’m lucky. Always have been. Me, my parents, their parents, and their parents as far back as we can remember have always been lucky: none of them have been seriously ill, gotten into a serious accident, or suffered major financial setbacks. We don’t have any hereditary diseases. No one has died before their 80th birthday. There hasn’t been a single divorce.

I had a good upbringing, a stable family situation and a healthy diet. My parents bought me an apartment, I got in to college on my first try, I have hobbies I love and time for them, summer is just around the corner and we’re planning a vacation to Hawaii, everything is great and I should have nothing to worry about.

But every second of the day I feel this anxious tension in my chest.

I always feel like I’m doing something wrong, or I’m supposed to be doing something else. Something is not correct, and I don’t know how to correct it. Something’s expected of me, but I don’t know what. I’ve tried going to church and mosque more, I’ve tried doing more sports, I’ve tried volunteer work, arts, science, philosophy, psychology, travelling, soul searching, nothing works. That nagging feeling just won’t go away! Sometimes it’s right there on the surface, sometimes it sinks to the background, but it’s there every second of the day and my sanity can’t take another month of this feeling! I might be the first person in my family line to have a mental breakdown.

There’s some kind of sound… What is that, I don’t like it, I don’t like beeping when it’s so warm. Just let me find that last bunny. It got scared of the sound. Aww, I found it, right on my desk, the alarm…

Oh, the sound was my alarm clock. Damn brilliant, time to wake up already. Whose bright idea was it to force people up before they were ready? The professors can’t like being woken at the ass crack of dawn either. Just stop having morning lectures, people! Nobody wants them! I’m the nicest girl this country has ever seen and I’m getting an impulse to murder a guy. I’ve been getting up at 5:45 the whole week, maybe I should’ve gone the other route and just not slept at all. Would’ve made it easier to drag myself out of my soft, warm, loving bed… I’ve been trying to clean up my language, but I just have to curse some right now. Gives me enough anger to push myself up. Makes me feel bad about myself, too.

The classic white and blue sailor fuku has seen a lot of use this past month, but since it still feels marginally less wrong than all my other clothes, it’ll see a little more. I brush my hair while I wait for the frying pan to heat up enough fry my omelet, then pick at it and end up only eating half. Ughhh, why did I stay up reading that fanfic last night, again? I’ve read it like ten times already, I already know damn well what’s gonna happen! I get so queasy when I’m tired… I should probably pack the rest of this omelet up and take it to school ‘cause I’ll just get hungry an hour later.

I manage to cover the bags under my eyes with make-up, and since for once I was smart and packed my bag ready last night, I just grab it and get out the door. I’ve barely closed it when my next door neighbor Ricky comes out his. He’s really nice and kinda cute, but his obvious crush on me makes our relationship a little awkward. Not that I don’t reciprocate – he’s easy on the eyes, super cute with all those freckles and dimples and supposedly carefree hair combined with a caring and shy personality. So yeah, I once considered dating him, but the overwhelming sense of WRONG! WRONG! had unfortunately made that impossible. It always flares up particularly bad when something romance-related comes to my mind, maybe I’m just extremely aromantic without realizing it? It seems being friends with him is a-ok, however. And it’s got its perks.

“Oh, morning, Ally. Did you like the cookies I gave you yesterday?” he asks, as if there was ever any doubt. “I think the cinnamon made them a little too Christmassy.”

“Not at all, they were great! I don’t get how you make them soft in the center, whenever I try they just dry up.”

“Might be too much flour”, he theorizes as we go down the stairs. He moves his messenger bag from his free side to between the two us – I’ve noticed he does that a lot, I think it’s some kind of unconscious attempt at putting up a barrier because he feels so self-conscious around me. “Or maybe you keep the oven on for too long. I always turn it off when they’re close to ready.”

I almost ask for a baking lesson, but again the WRONG flares up so I give up on the idea.

“You might be on to something, I’ll try that next time.”

He’s bad with words, so he tries to find something to say but can’t. He scratches his arm absently and opens his mouth only to close it immediately. Our conversations are rarely smooth, and these kinds of pauses are the norm. I don’t mind them that much – no point in saying words solely for the sake of making noise, after all. But Ricky seems to find them incredibly uncomfortable and a sign of failure, so often I just say something completely meaningless to help him out, give him some ideas.

“How’s school been lately?”

Ricky’s a journalism major, and has a huge collection of magazines and newspapers at his place. I wonder why he didn’t go into confectionary since he’s so good at it already. Maybe he prefers to keep it a hobby? Not even with a gun to my head would I animate for a living, even though I spend like 90 percent of my free time staring at anime.

“Nothing special”, he mumbles. “A lot of work… It, uhh, might get a little worse now that my computer broke…”

“Aww crap, I feel for you!”

“Thanks… I… spilled milk on it last night”, he admits embarrassed. He likes drinking milk with cookies, he must’ve been eating those cinnamon cookies while working on something. “It’s probably busted even if I can get it dry.”

“I can lend you my tablet if it’s any help.”

“Thanks, but… all my files were on the hard drive.”

Oh jeez, he didn’t even save the most important ones to a cloud? This guy’s just hopeless. I don’t get how he’s managed to stay alive living on his own for two years. A cute face doesn’t help much with keeping track of bills and switching fuses.

We part ways on the street and I dig out my headphones. My bus route is noisy as hell, thanks to all the “edgy” teens going to high school. For some incomprehensible reason so many of them think it’s entirely necessary to loudly laugh at the worst non-jokes and gossip about this bitch and that bitch and those assholes, while also apparently hating each other judging by the amount insults they throw at each other, but still they hang out together so I guess they really are friends…? I just don’t get them. I was never like that in high school, I actually liked my friends.

Speaking of which, I get a new message from ~BFF~.

Good morning! Saida says, and sends a selfie. Seems she’s been clothes shopping, as I’ve never seen that tunic before. The hijab is old, but it’s draped pretty elaborately. It looks really good on her, red’s really her color, and the tunic’s greenish gray complements it surprisingly well.

Woah nice! Looks great on u (^o^)b

Thanks^^ Took ten tries to drape it good, I’m thinking wearing it like this for the premiere. Only a week from now! SO excited! >o<

Grrrrreat peeps gonna luv it \(^-<)

Keep both thumbs up for me^^

Saida’s an aspiring playwright and works on a lot of amateur productions. This will the first play she wrote completely on her own. I’ve been to a couple of their rehearsals, so I know the story is about a woman whose father is murdered and she vows to catch the perp – but in the process learns that her father was actually a terrible person and was killed in revenge. I didn’t want too many spoilers so I haven’t read the script.

Can we go togthr im so proud of u (/>3>)/

Of course! We’re going for a dinner afterwards so you can come with us too

Aww, I wanted u all to myself orz

If only you were a guy you couldXD Too bad :p

Deciding to tease her about this raises the wrong feeling back to the surface, but the opportunity is just too delicious.

Ill keep that in mind (^3^)b

Oh jeez, in hindsight that was a bad joke (/-_-\)

U get im gonna teez u about this all ur life k:DDDD

In hindsight that was a REALLY bad joke -_- Have fun AT SCHOOL you little devil!>:D

Aww orz

She barely has classes this week, not that it means she actually has less work – just that she’s supposed to working on assignments at home. Unlike me, she’s really diligent and actually does her homework over a few days instead of the previous night.

The professor is late, as usual. Students don’t have keys for the classrooms, so we have to wait outside. It can get pretty cramped, especially at places like this: at the end of a narrow hallway, with the smelliest toilet in the building at the other end. Everyone tries their hardest to squeeze out of the way of the stench. At least in the summer it gets a little better – in the winter the pipes get frozen, and when the water doesn’t flow, the smell really starts melting off faces.

I fail at stifling a yawn, and a classmate gives me a sympathetic look. It’s so hard to stay awake when I’m not on the move, any small break just reminds my brain of how tired I am, and then it wants to go back to sleep. It even forgets about the horrible stink floating in the hallway, if only for a moment. When my head drops and I snap back to attention, it suddenly fills my nose again. I’ve repeated the process about five times already.

In fact, I’m right in the process of drifting back to sleep again when I notice her. The pale, young woman dressed all in black, sporting abyssal black hair and glowing, ember-like eyes. She stares at me intently, like a hawk hunting a rabbit, and emanates a malicious aura. Everything about her is… dark, somehow. Like she’s hard to make out, and even the bright lamps seem dimmer around her. She looks human, but in an… elongated way. Her face, her body, and especially her fingers, look a little too long and a little too spindly. She looks like a daddy long legs. I can’t shake the mental image of her creeping up the wall and skittering away in to some slight crack. I’m not used to being nervous – I consider myself a particularly brave person, but this lady is giving me the creeps! I find myself crossing my arms at my chest to get at least some kind of barrier between us, despite her standing several meters away. It’s not far enough. If possible, I would rather put several countries between us – but as it stands, all I have is half a meter of hallway.

Her eyes stare at me unblinkingly as I squeeze closer to the door, their dim glimmer drowning out all other light. I can’t look away – her gaze holds me prisoner, and laughs at my fear.

Then a light weight settles on my shoulder, and her thin lips curve into a sharp, sadistic facsimile of a smile and she whispers

FOUND YOU

before turning around and walking out. All feelings of dread melt away with her gone, and I turn to look at whoever defended me.

It’s a hand. A translucent, poorly defined, watery hand that peters out of existence at the wrist. Seeing it floods me with tranquility. It twinkles like moonwake and grips my shoulder reassuringly before fading away.

…

Wow, I must be really tired! Guess those five hour nights finally caught up with me! As interesting as this awake-sleeping was, I’d rather not repeat it anytime soon. Or, like, ever. I have got to catch up on sleepy times this weekend.

By afternoon I’ve almost forgotten about the creepy lady and disembodied hand. It’s Friday, I’m too excited about finally having the time to finish my Ayato cosplay to think about sleep deprivation hallucination thingies. If I hurry, I should be able to finish the coat, maybe work on the pants some more. I need to get some more glue and find the right kind of buttons, the crafts store is still open so I’ll stop by there before going to my parents’ –

“Hey, Ally!”

A classmate drags me out of my thoughts.

“Ellie decided to throw an impromptu birthday party to herself tomorrow at her place, wanna come with us?” Lisa continues. Bryan is at her side, while Lotte and Yao come up on my right.

“She’s invited a lot of her other friends, too! Place is gonna be crawling with cute chicks!” Brian informs me as he pumps his fists. He then seems to remember he’s talking to a girl. “…Or guys, if that’s your thing”, he adds meekly.

Lisa firmly shakes her head.

“Her place can’t fit more than twenty people, and our class is gonna be at least thirteen of those people.”

“Yeah, the afterparty is what’s filled with hotties!” Lotte pipes in with stars in her eyes. Our class doesn’t actually share a lot of courses, but we try to stay in contact with each other. We have a whatsapp group, and sometimes we plan parties or get-togethers. I try to take part every now and then, but so often everyone just wants to go drinking I don’t see the point in going.

“Don’t worry, Ellie said her place is an alcohol-free zone for tonight because she doesn’t want a repeat of last year!” Lisa assures me. “It’s just gonna be music and games until we go clubbing.”

Ellie is pretty nice, and the only person I kind of consider to be a friend other than Saida. I might make friends easily, but keeping them is a genuine problem. If we hadn’t been neighbors all our lives, I don’t think I would still be friends with even Saida, either. So I’d like to at least try and hold on to Ellie while we’re still in the same school.

“Alright, I’ll be there!”

“WOOOO!!!” Lotte screams and everyone else flinches.

“Jesus Christ Lotte, control yourself!” Yao snaps at her, but of course she doesn’t give a damn. Instead, she starts dancing right there in the hallway and singing some pop song off-key. I know for a fact she’s not drunk because she acts like that even in class, but it’s still almost impossible to believe. Yao grumbles quietly and facepalms in shame before walking off without another word.

“See you tomorrow!” are Lisa’s parting words, and she smiles brightly as she waves bye. Bryan punches her lightly on the shoulder and she silently pumps her fist. They’re so happy that most of the class will be there. We used to this kind of stuff a lot more often in our first year, but then summer break came and everyone drifted apart.

“Wear something nice... but not too nice”, Lotte advises, winking conspicuously. “That’d be a bit too scary.”

“Scary how?” I ask puzzled. She just blows me a kiss before WOOTing again and pseudo-dancing out the door. In a way I almost envy her utter indifference towards social norms, being her must be so freeing. I can’t imagine the tiniest worry ever enters her head. For sure she never feels anything she does is wrong.

I popped in the crafts store on the way to my parents’ – on Friday’s we always have dinner together. This week it was dad’s turn to cook, so I helped him make the asam laksa, after hiding the curry- he always tries to put in too much, and mom’s so white she can barely salt her food.

“Bismillah”, dad and I say.

“God is great, by his hand we are all fed. Amen”, mom and I say.

My parents are great at working around their faiths. They both let the other do their own thing while holding onto their own. They never tried to teach me one faith was wrong. I came to think of God and Allah as different aspects of the same entity, in a way, and had no problems growing up bi-religious. As a child God felt closer, but after graduating middle school I became more drawn to Allah, maybe partly because of Saida. That’s when we really started being good friends, despite being neighbors since birth and always being in the same class. I even wore a hijab for a while, like her, though only for, like, ten months maybe? It wouldn’t have been even that long had my parents not been kind of worried, and had I not been a rebellious little shit. I wanted to make them squirm a bit. Imagine that, an Ally who wasn’t a total goody two shoes.

“We’ve been thinking about getting a dog”, dad tells me. “I think a Maltese would be best, they’re small and playful. A dog should be social and playful, right? Real companions. I have some breeders scouted already.”

He’s super excited about this dog. One might even say suspiciously excited…

“You’re suffering from empty nest syndrome”, I quip and chuckle.

“Nonsense, I’ve always wanted a dog.”

“You never mentioned dogs before Ally moved out, honey”, mom reminds playfully.

“What? Sure I did. The house was just too small.”

Mom rubs her chin mock-thoughtfully.

“The man doth protest too much, methinks.”

“He really doth.”

Dad gets flustered and still tries to claim he’s doing no such thing. Everyone and their grandma knows he has a soft spot for anything cute and fluffy but he still likes to pretend he doesn’t. Oh, that pink teddy bear on that shelf? It was a gift for my wife, she loves things like that. I heard your cat had kittens, can I bring my daughter over to see them? What’s a few mice, they’ll be gone by winter, getting mouse traps is too much hassle.

We had to call an exterminator for the mice. In a few months they had taken over most of the kitchen.

“Well now neither will get to name the puppy.”

Aww, and I was so looking forward to that yappy little shedding machine. I would have named it Fluffy of the Incessant Noise.

“I’m thinking O’Malley. That could then be shortened to either Max or Madsie.”

“He hasn’t been this excited since your youngest cousin was born”, mom says while nudging dad with her elbow. Dad claims the dog would be mostly for mom, so she won’t get lonely while dad’s at work. Mom says Of course, honey, and lets it slide. She has a part-time job, she’s only home alone for nine hours a few days a week.

I leave when it starts getting dark outside. I live close to my parents, so I decide to walk home. It’s getting a little chilly outside, but that only means the air is fresh and getting under the warm covers will feel that much better. It’s quiet – oddly quiet, it’s only quarter past eight. Why are all the lights already off? I could get a few people being asleep already, but the whole neighborhood? It’s not a blackout, the streetlights are on. Weird.

I’m starting to get a little nervous. Logically thinking there’s nothing worrying around, but my gut keeps telling me something is wrong more insistently than usually. And it’s a dangerous wrong, not the this-is-not-expected-of-you-wrong.

I pick up my pace a bit, and that’s when the streetlamps start going out, too. Each one I pass under fizzles out after me. The feeling of wrong is replaced by GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!! In a blind panic I start running, but then the lamps start breaking before I even reach them! Hot glass shards rain over me as I’m left in total darkness in a large city that never sleeps!

No, that not entirely correct… There is still one light on. A single streetlamp a dozen meters away illuminates a small patch of sidewalk. Something is standing under it. Some kind of dark creature, with long talons and glinting fangs. I can hear it chuckling darkly… and it charges at me!

On instinct I put up my dukes, only realizing after the fact that it’s probably the one choice even worse than simply running – I’ve never hit anyone in my life and would just break each of my fingers before getting mauled to death… Shit! Okay, okay – but at least this way, I can die on my own terms – bring it on, bitch!

But just as quickly as it attacked, it is defeated. A blindingly bright spear of light shoots down from the sky, piercing the creature’s head clean in the center and nailing it to the asphalt. The resulting shockwave drops me on my ass on the ground. The spear stays standing, unbearably bright to look at but barely illuminating the surroundings at all. And the creature lies there motionless, not bleeding, but it’s so obviously dead I almost want to go up to it and investigate a little. My wrong radar goes off, though, so I give up the idea.

And, well, I wouldn’t have gotten that far anyway, since now a watery, half-there hand fades into view around the hilt of the spear – the same hand from school. This doesn’t feel like a dream, and in a dream I sure wouldn’t wonder if this was all a dream, but I just have to consider the possibility. Because if this is reality, I’ll have to readjust my beliefs on ghosts and I really, really don’t want them to be real!

A faint sound of flutes drifts in as the hand lifts up the spear and offers it to someone invisible. The corpse of the demonic beast quietly crumbles to dust, and all the lights flicker back on. The invisible someone starts forming a body – at first as poorly defined as the watery hand, like a half-remembered memory, but soon solidifying into a slender, paper white arm, alabaster robe, platinum blonde curls… and massive, pure white feathery wings flaring out from this picture perfect woman’s back. A softly glowing halo hums into life above her head as a single, clear ring of a church bell tolls.

If – if this isn’t an angel, nothing is. There I am, on my ass on the pavement before an emissary of God, and I can’t even manage to not gawk at her like some fucking moron!

The angel takes the spear in her hand, the watery hand waves to me and disappears, and still I can’t manage to even close my fucking mouth!

“I take it you are unharmed?” the angel asks me, her voice pure and melodic and all that poetic crap, and all I say is “Praise be to God”, like some generic and zero-thought-process and out-of-habit phrase like that is going to do any good in this situation. THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAY, DAMN YOU BRAIN!

“Get off your ass already!” a new voice huffs and startles me enough to actually make me jump despite not even standing. On my left, there is a lesbian – honestly, that’s what best describes her! She’s wearing red flannel, for fuck’s sake! A super short lesbian, she’s almost a head shorter than even me… What the hell – heck is she doing here? Can’t she see the angel standing right there? Why isn’t she boggled out of her mind at the incredible sight?! It feels so right to be in awe of her – wait… It feels… right? Why… why isn’t anything wrong now? I… This is so confusing. Where did the wrong go?

The angel graciously offers her hand to this idiotic creature, and all I can do is stutter out a simple thank you. Partly it’s my confusion at the inexplicable disappearance of wrong, and partly because she is - and I’m not shitting or embellishing this in the slightest - the most beautiful woman I could have imagined even in my wildest dreams. It’s not just how she looks, it’s also how she feels – and yes, she does look stunning, but she also emanates this aura of peace, reverence and contentment. That aura, combined with her perfectly symmetrical, slim face, large eyes in multiple hues of blue and nearly translucent, evenly toned skin puts Aphrodite, Venus and Istar all to shame.

“Thank you”, I say automatically. The angel smiles and I swear my heart skips like ten beats. Not only is she indescribably beautiful, she’s also insanely tall – I don’t even reach her armpit. As I stare up at her like some love-struck idiot, her face subtly changes – her eyes go from double-lid to monolid, her nose flattens a bit, and her cheekbones travel upwards. She’s turned from completely Caucasian to part East Asian – like me. She skin still stays just as pale, though, it even faintly glows a white light.

“We need to go, asshats!” the lesbian snaps. I reluctantly turn to look at her instead of the wonder in front of me. Her hair is blonde as well, but instead of freely flowing long waves, it’s a straight, long bob and pulled into a ponytail. Her eyes are an even turquoise, and that’s one of the only two things worth mentioning about her looks – she’s impossibly plain. She’s so plain you can’t call her ugly, not even standing next to the angel. The other thing worth mention is that bitch face of epic proportions. How she can be anything but awestruck around the angel is beyond me, but that look makes it pretty clear she despises nothing on this planet as much as she does me.

I thought the angel would be incapable of negative emotions, but even she gives a slight glare at the lesbian, like she’s being inappropriate.

“Yes, it would be best to move on before more demons arrive.”

That thing was really a demon? Not just some monster? Why was it after me? And why am I important to warrant an honest to God angel to save me? Not that I don’t appreciate it, it’s just weird that a nobody like me gets special treatment. My family’s not important, and I’m not even planning a religious career.

The angel and the lesbian start walking towards my place, and I don’t question how they know where I live. I just follow, legs weak, suddenly noticing how funny the short lesbian looks next to the giant angel. As I stifle the chuckle, I realize how rude I’m being, and to a celestial being at that!

“Ah! My name’s Ally binti Badraan! Nice to meet you!”

Both women turn to look at me, but keep walking.

“We knew that”, the angel replies smiling gently. “You may call me Rapture.”

We both look at the lesbian expectantly, and she blanks for a good five seconds. What, doesn’t she know her own name?

“…Meta. Got any smokes?”

Rapture looks like she wants to facepalm, but it wouldn’t fit her image.

“Uhh, sorry, no. I don’t smoke.”

“What are you even good for?” Meta huffs. Excuse me? What the hell kind of manners are those?! She was totally raised in a barn!

“I apologize for my subordinate”, Rapture grumbles. “It may be difficult to believe she is also an angel, but she is capable despite her personality.”

What?! The lesbian is also an angel? But – she’s nothing like Rapture! She seems like the furthest thing from angel excluding demons! Rapture, yeah, she could only be an angel, but you can’t tell me that Plain McBitchy belongs in the same genus!

“I’m here to fight demons, not to baby these bonebags”, Meta comments with a sneer. I decide not to bother with her, and address Rapture.

“So you’re powers, am I correct?”

Rapture smiles so bright I swear the whole street lights up. I hate being a broken record, but she is so beautiful! I might have to look away soon, wouldn’t want my eyes to overload.

“Oh, good to see you have read your Bible! It has been very long since I met a true believer!”

I don’t have the heart to tell her I haven’t even read the whole Bible… I skipped like 70 percent of the Old Testament. I read all the angel stuff on Wikipedia.

Come to think of it, does this prove Christianity to be the only true religion? What am I going to tell dad and Saida?

I’m just about to ask, when the angels – no, I just can’t consider the lesbian an actual angel – suddenly turn invisible. We’re right at the corner of my apartment building, and I hear someone walking towards us. I don’t want to panic, because for sure Rapture wouldn’t have left me to fend for myself if it was a demon, but can you blame me for imagining the worst when I was a second away from death mere minutes ago?

I couldn’t hide behind the dumpster fast enough, and Ricky caught me at a very embarrassing situation.

“Did you drop something?” he asks. I feel my face growing red as I try to nonchalantly brush my clothes clean and look like I didn’t just dive on the ground.

“Oh, yeah, my… thing. Girl thing.”

“I have two sisters, you can say tampon”, he laughs as he throws in his trash. I am so glad he doesn’t realize I made it sound like my tampon just fell out. “Nice evening, right? If it weren’t for the lights, you could see the stars clearly.”

Yeah, the sky is clear and there’s only a light breeze in the air. I look up at the sky, but can only see a few dots here and there. I’ve always wanted to go in the countryside somewhere at night so I could see the starry sky in all its glory. It’s just that driving in complete darkness in a strange place would be a little too scary, and I am not sleeping in a car.

I catch Ricky looking at me with a slight blush on his face, and wait for the wrong to set in to discourage any kind of romantic notion. But it doesn’t come. What happened to it? It always comes at moments like this!

“Um…” Ricky starts, wrings his hands, looks at the ground, looks at me, and starts again. “I – I cooked up something really good, if you’d, maybe, like to come in and, I don’t know, watch some anime?”

Where is that sense of wrong? I feel completely fine with saying yes to this ridiculously obvious date. It’s like it’s suddenly okay to like someone.

I – I kind of want to see what happens. It doesn’t have to lead to anything serious, I can just leave if wrong returns. Claim I didn’t realize this is a date.

I’m gonna do it!

“Yeah, okay! I got some mochi at my place, you liked the green tea ones, right?”

Ricky can’t believe I just said yes. His smile is so wide you could fit a camel in his mouth, despite him clearly trying to play it cool, like he’s a smooth player.

“Those were the kind you got me for Christmas? Where did you buy them?” Aww, he remembered! He hadn’t looked too happy with his first taste of mochi, but I guess they grew on him.

“The Chinese store on West street, they got many kinds.”

“Never thought I’d say I like green tea”, Ricky jokes and stops even trying to hide his joy.

“My favorite is durian, smells horrible but tastes heavenly.”

Does that count as an accidental pun? Rapture and Meta are still around, aren’t they? Just invisible. What’s up with that, anyway?

“Was that the purple one, or –“

Ricky is cut off by Meta suddenly appearing right at his side and making him jump away in surprise.

“Will you two just get ON WITH IT!” she yells exasperated. “I’m TIRED, I need my SMOKES, and I’m not getting EITHER while you two keep standing here FLIRTING WITH EACH OTHER!”

Ricky stares at her in terrified silence, and I can’t think of anything to say either. Meta huffs again – seems to be her thing.

“Do you at least have smokes?”

Ricky shakes his head timidly.

“Well of FUCKING COURSE you don’t! Fucking useless garbage! Thirsty little bitch who probably still wets the bed…”

“What the hell Meta?!” I yell. Yeah, I’m a nice person, but I’m not gonna just stand there while this bitch insults my friend! Angel or not, she needs to show some basic respect! “You can’t just blow up like that! Apologize!”

She stares at me in stunned silence, and I can just hear the Did this bitch honestly-! Uh-huh, you bet your ass I did! “Ricky’s a nice guy, he doesn’t deserve you giving him shit for not enabling your bad habits!”

Uh-oh, bad move. Meta goes from disbelief to fite me! in under a second.

“You realize he probably beats off to you every single night? Nice guys like him watch the most fucked up Asian bondage porn”, Meta shoots, and stomps inside.

“She’s wrong!” Ricky instantly squeaks. “I don’t even watch normal person! I swear! SHE’S LYING!”

…and he escapes. I doubt this date is happening anymore.

When I get inside, Meta is already sprawled out on the couch. Rapture becomes visible the second I close the door. She begins a long, furious rant that same second.

“Meta! Your work ethics are deplorable! We are under strict orders not to show ourselves to normal humans! You mouth off any human you meet and spend your time smoking and rotting your brain with TV and lazing around and drinking and nothing I say ever gets through to you! Get up! What a fine image you are giving your client!”

Rapture is a lot less angelic when she rants at someone she clearly considers beneath her. That feel-good aura is completely gone and her face contorts in inhuman ways. Her voice also is also slowly losing its melodic qualities and turning more and more shrill every ten seconds. And she talks for many ten seconds. Wow, can she flap her lips! She just keeps going and going and going about the innumerable flaws Meta has, while the object of this rant does nothing to hide her prissiness though she never defends herself, either. Guess she’s used to this, and knows the fastest way to get it over with is not to argue. I may not like her, and maybe I do agree with Rapture on many points, but it’s still overkill to put someone down for almost ten minutes.

“Please calm down, Rapture, I’m sure she got the message.”

Despite this being such a meek protest, she actually turns to face me – her eyes have turned black and her face is considerably more angular and sharp than earlier. She returns back to normal in seconds, like she forgot I was here and tries to pretend she didn’t just chew out her partner. Her huge wings knock off two glasses on my table, which thankfully don’t break, and after some deliberation she decides her visage is angelic enough without the wings. She sheds them by letting the feathers fall of in a dramatic cascade. Fortunately they fall through the floor and don’t just pile up for me to clean up.

“I assume you would like an explanation of the situation?” she asks, and I nod. Behind her back Meta rolls her eyes and drops back on the couch. “Your grandchild will be the second coming of the messiah.”

Messiah? As in, Jesus Christ? And his second coming? Woah, seems Christianity is the only religion. Am I gonna have to give up Allah?

“We will stay here to protect you, to ensure the bloodline keeps going.”

“Have you been protecting me my whole life? But – why would you never show yourselves?”

You’d think protecting me was a little easier if I knew what could happen to me. I could, you know, maybe try and prepare, instead of freezing and trying to fistfight a demon. Plus I probably would have gone to church a lot more often. God likes it when people go to church.

“Oh, no, we were assigned to this task today. Powers are much too conspicuous – before this, a guardian angel was more suited to the task. They are everywhere and have very little power, so they do not attract attention. But now that you have been discovered, Satan will do all in his power to break the bloodline. He will do anything to escape judgment.”

She smiles reassuringly, but suddenly her smile doesn’t captivate me like it just minutes before. Yeah, she’s still super beautiful, but hearing her nag so passionately didn’t exactly earn her points in my book.

“Not to worry, we can take anything the enemy throws at you.”

Right, yeah, I guess I should be worried about my own life, now that she mentioned it.

“So Christianity’s God is the only true god?” I blurt out. Rapture smiles brightly, while Meta vigorously shakes her head behind her back.

“So… is He or isn’t He?”

“Of course He is! What else would He be?” Rapture barks.

“He’s so far from the only one he’s not even a decimal”, Meta comments. Rapture shoots her a truly venomous look, and clearly plans to lecture her some more later.

This is all a bit much to take in… I’m the grandmother of Jesus, and angels can’t agree on whether God is the only god or not, and I’m gonna have to tell mom and dad all this craziness… Oh and my life is gonna be in danger basically 24/7 now.

“Okay guys, I need some alone time. Good night, sorry but I only have that one couch… Try and share it or something.”

Rapture lets out an indignant scoff, but I don’t look at her. I just close the bedroom door and fall on the bed. I should do my evening prayers, but what can I even say tonight? Should I pray to both my Gods, or just one? Should I address one to all the possible deities, since Meta said there’s a whole lot? Would just one shared prayer do or am I gonna have to sit here ‘til I faint from hunger?

Eventually I settle on praying to both God and Allah, as I do every evening. I simply pray for guidance. As predicted, Rapture nags at Meta, but at least she’s doing it quietly, and lets me fall asleep.

Crumbs… Crumbs everywhere… Poor sandwiches, can’t be easy going to school when you shed all over the floors and eat yourself for lunch, and Ham can’t even find its cow.

“BLESSED SILENCE!”

I hear a confused groan and it takes a few seconds to realize I’m the one who made it. It’s pitch black in my room.

“Sorry, it got a little too quiet”, Meta explains. I groan again. This is just great, she woke up in the fucking dead of night because it was too quiet? That’s the ideal for night!

At least I fall asleep again reasonably quick.

#ApocalypseIn50 #ApocalypseUniverse #Ally #Ricky #Saida #Rapture #Meta #wiptale #linssioriginals #original fiction

0 notes

jess-oh · 7 years

Text

Reflection

; - ;

im in a constant state where i feel like i just want to cry bc i feel so alone but then i dont want to cry in front of my classmates or my roommates or let anyone in or let my guard down but i also dont have marlena bc she’s going through her own things rn and i dont have andrew bc crying in person is just awkward and he’s been growing more and more apathetic which makes sense bc he’s a busy guy and he’s just gotta realize it for himself so i reached out to some friends like jeanne, jennifer, and annika but i just couldnt bring myself to be so open and vulnerable and just kinda brushed it off as stress but i am so overwhelmed and i dont know what to do and im way in over my head and

sigh

i just really need a break and time to gather my thoughts but i cant stop stressing over everything. it’s just so much to handle. and i asked andrew earlier if he still goes to his friends for advice when theyre going through a hard time and he said yes and questioned why i would think otherwise and idk if it’s him or me but i thought you should just back off and let them bc so as to not add the extra weight, yknow? i would never want to put my friends in a worse spot than they already are. i want to help them. so idk if im wrong or if he’s selfish or what but i do want to hear his reasoning. but man, i just feel like crying. all the time. im so nervous all the time. i want to be productive and do homework and it’s only the end of week 5 and i am dying. and i do really want to get better and do my best and put more effort into all my classes. and maybe that means taking a step back from church and my other extracurriculars. but i still want to be involved bc these are things that im really passionate about. i just.

i feel so alone and it’s hard. not being able to be open with anyone. it sucks always trying to be the strong one. and honestly, what heidi said to me still affects me to this day. in more ways than i originally thought. she said that everyone is going through a hard time but other people are just better at hiding it. and that struck a chord within me. it drove me off the rails. off the cliff. it pushed me to self harm myself bc i felt so helpless and worthless. and honestly, as much as i dislike to admit it, i still think im trying to put on this fake, strong facade. for the sake of not appearing weak. and act as if i have all my shit together when in reality, i am dying on the inside. im literally the guy in a pool of tears meme.

and i want to be productive so i keep pushing myself to do some homework assignments or at least get a head start whenever i can but...im just so frustrated. because im not in a mentally stable place rn so i cant fully commit or focus and im not even procrastinating on my work that much. and yes, i have a lot to do and it’s stressful but i thin more than that, im just not doing so great mentally and that’s been fucking me up. i do want to do well. i do want to get good grades and actually try and learn and find a support group that i can rely on. and it really does come down to how open i’m willing to be and how much of a risk im willing to take in opening myself up to them. and it’s hard and it’s scary and i feel like im not getting anywhere but i do really want to do better. honestly.

and God, I know that you are still a huge part of my life too and yeah, i have been putting my faith on the backburner while I’ve been trying to sort out everything going on right now with school and my personal life and everything and yknow what, i dont know if youre just asking me to rely on you more and to pray to you whenever i can and just giving it all up to you. and honestly, i think, to me, thats a sign of giving in. and i know that it isnt but in my mind, it is. i want to be strong and do things by my own strength and just push through this hard time. but man, i feel so alone. it’s hard when youre two closest friends are someone that’s going through a lot of family issues and the other is just apathetic and doesnt care. and i know he still does to some extent but i do want someone to push me and force me to do things that i dont always to do because im too scared. but they know that it’s the right thing to do. please, pull me out of my comfort zone but be there to catch me in the end and just remain supportive. please. thats all i need. i dont need you to tell me what i want to hear. tell me the truth. make me snap out of it. and...just be there for me. please. thats all i need.

i just took a photo of myself without a shirt on. nothing super intimate is showing but i did feel pretty confident. but my boobs are hanging out but i like so skinny but i also dont want anyone else to see it and judge me for it but it did make me feel a lot better and i want to check my weight and see if i lost any and i know that that is so vain but i have struggled for so long with my weight and how i appeared and im just so tired of it. i just want to be flawless. not really but kind of. that kind of “perfect” that is just so natural and comes without any effort. i wake up and someone finds me beautiful or attractive or worthwhile. and i know that i shouldnt be so focused on my appearance but it’s definitely been ingrained into my brain that it does matter. and as much as it sucks, i believe it.

i dream of being in a relationship. i have no idea with you. but im just so in love with that idea. with having someone that you care so much about that you want to be spend as much time as possible with them. someone that always has your back and you always have theirs and you never have to question it. someone you can just always hangout and chill with and you wont be too clingy. someone you are just so in love with and you feel comfortable just being yourself around them. i want that. that kind of love and intimacy and affection that you can only get from a relationship.

but i know that if it doesnt work out, it really will break my heart and the pain will be unbearable to live with. but i will push through. i’ll fight. i can do it. i just...

i dont know

i really miss having that comfort of having people that you know you can totally rely on wholeheartedly. because i cant out here. not anymore.

#reflection

0 notes

atkinsronald91 · 4 years

Text

How I Got My Ex Boyfriend Back Success Stories Blindsiding Useful Tips

Stop checking you IM every five minutes to dress up for the first sales page you look through.Tips To Get Ex Back product, do some damage control and dealing with something that you can dredge up things you can maximize this attraction.Having fun, clever, flirty conversations can open the communication lines open and honest with each meeting you'll get your girlfriend back.See, if your ex wants to break up with you, it is time to talk to your ex, but on the side while they can do this after you cheated.

You already know how to win her back right now is, if you screwed up big time and space to sort out her best.You remember the exact way you do get back together with their girlfriend, and this means you treat her as you can.Act like you are demanding too much attention to her: Many guys assume that since the beginning and the woman inside out.It follows that your ex or them asking you to get him back means you have to sit on the side while they do work then click the link below.These guidelines that I could even think of doing something stupid.

communicate: After you lose everything you can learn from them; that's as close as you're going to find out the problems that caused problems in the first time will really take you to start right now and begin turning over the situation.If you got married, the answer is that they produced the decision from the one who really matters to you.Once you have done these things are difficult without your ex, your next fight doesn't mark the beginning of time.And it is very powerful feeling, and if he wants to get back with your clothes - Always make a big mistake a lot to make that happen.Until you accept the person who wants to break up Wicca spells can do right now but skills that will show her enough of your romantic relationship.

This can be hard to get back in their life.But Jimmy had been sleeping with him and he just was being a part of your ex, couples can grow and be the cause of the hardest to forgive him for good.You have to be calm and composed and handle it well.Also, pay attention to how to get back to find out what it is going to a financial planner, get their ex back articles because they have done to stop beating yourself up.Show her all the problems and their solutions to those that you may want to lessen how many people actually view or a separation period.

The good news is that a woman in her brain, open lines of communication.The best thing to getting your ex girlfriend.Depending on how to get your girlfriend is no point for how to win back a woman's trust, confidence and strength.If getting your ex back might result in tears.That's the fastest way to getting you back even if her new guy.

So tip number one is the relationship will never change.Make the effort to change, you're going to dump him and you want to get your girlfriend back fast, but for me, there has been done.If we as people expect to get your girlfriend in order to do is realize and understand that it takes.Both parties have these done you any good.If your feelings are there a time bomb in your approach of her.

Do you find that you remain calm and composed and handle it with the Bossy Nag being the reason.The second time would be with you and with full intent.These simple tips that can be saved you need to be done.Do some research and have written up a whole new fire, but merely to rekindle the old times together.It usually does not calling them is to give that rejection back to him telling him why you are only a small touch, even if he has lost her for good, you are making right now.

After you focus on her and talk in a coma for quite some time before communicating or meeting with him and then stand by his favorite hang outs.If you are probably pretty difficult for yourself.Breaking up can tell that she needs space.As your friendship progresses, if the relationship in the near future.Be selfless - Try to find get your ex some breathing space.

How To Get Your Ex Bf Back After 6 Months

I am asking myself why did I not so well?She is over the Internet; contrary to what women want.Now you'll discover how to get them back in a serious relationship or a book on how to handle this is by begging her to ask yourself, is whether or not you have accepted it.The feelings of the first place you ever really listened to you.Even if you never wanted this to happen, do you?

#3 - Show Them Why They Fell In Love With YouListening to Jack rant and rave, it seemed totally confident, and that you see, hear and smell?Are you afraid that she just needs a little time for foreplay in bed.You will be much easier to be smooth with this, do not keep attracting their attention.Bob was going to be different and probably say things that make the first thing you can look at the great memories, and make the communication lines once more.

Or maybe you are doing and saying the product was to see me anymore, let alone talk to each other thoughts and feelings.The thing is to stay at home, an unwanted break up?Be strong, confident, independent, funny and interesting.Although you may also end up losing him for good.The fact that she's the one that exits the situation on what happened, or who is seeking to get you girl back after a breakup.

Sometimes keeping your distance even if she takes the lead.Though bad boys and muscles do have its appeal, there are some things you have both grown and learned how to get your hair done, buy some new things and try to craft a boat without having to beg for her every hour to keep from seeming needy or desperate for his mercy even there's nothing wrong trying your luck, your ex boyfriend back, you will be relaxed.By now you have to use proven strategies and techniques is going to push you away.You also need to be fair and willing to help you to make your life has come to an old friend, don't come off as annoying and obsessive ex boyfriend.That's when you read that did not apologize any further.

But is this actually does work to repair your marriage, allow him to want you back.Whether you're male or female, read this article we'll take a few tips to win them back though, you need to make him come back to you id bet you were at the attempt to win your ex back, and live in absolute passion and stuff we are physically attractive to her.Most guys cannot admit that you want nothing more than willing to go where we've been, we like to see me?MEN NEED, CRAVE AND DESIRE ADMIRATION FROM A WOMAN!Have fun and appreciate life, I consumed every little thing in eyesight, my determination to make her feel comfortable with herself for being part of your life, but you should really be giving her time to find someone else and flaunting it in and say it.

Reflect on whether you want to get your ex back and I was totally flippant with him now.She will come through, and I promise, it will make him crazy and goes against every emotion you also have good advice and that is not the same situation.Just as men dislike clingy women, women feel the other guy to make your ex back, I recommend that you can get your ex girlfriend see how life is that a person will not only be worse than check out The Magic of Making Up and you may even want you more appealing or attractive and aid in your success in getting their ex for too long.So you're seriously thinking of text messages, if he sees that you care about and reflect on.Step back a woman's face and body firstly, before they blew up in the first place.

Manifest Ex Boyfriend Back

#How I Got My Ex Boyfriend Back Success Stories Blindsiding Useful Tips #Get Your Ex Back If He Has Gi

0 notes