#begins≠youth

[tulip-fiction]

Fan Fiction

Content Warning: depression, toxic family, implied suicidal thoughts

Poison – Begins ≠ Youth

Jeha groggily opened his eyes, blinking away the sleep until the weight of them lightened. The container was quiet, everyone else still asleep after staying up late celebrating Cein’s birthday, followed by Hosu’s.

Jeha lay motionless in the bed, careful not to disturb Cein. Jeha had crawled into the bed next to him in the early hours before morning, Cein sighing loudly before making room for Jeha. Now, with the morning sun shining through the window, they lay facing each other, one awake and watching, one asleep and unaware.

Jeha watched his Hyung sleep. He thought Cein looked tired even now, shadows painted beneath his closed eyes. But they looked soft and without the weight Jeha normally found there. Jeha remembered a time when Cein looked less worn, but there had been darkness in those eyes even then.

6 Years Ago

Jeha squatted in the alley alongside the piano academy, his face buried in his arms. He knew Teacher would be disappointed if he didn’t warm up before his lesson, but he couldn’t go in there yet, not until he stopped crying.

“You’re in First Grade now. You’re too old to cry,” Jeha told himself in frustration wiping snot from his face.

Jeha wouldn’t let his parents see him cry. He didn’t want them to know how sad he was that he had to stop piano lessons. His dad was sick and they needed money for his medical treatments. Piano lessons would have to wait, but mom had promised him he could go again once dad was better, so he shouldn’t be crying.

“What’s wrong?” a voice called out to him.

Jeha shot up in embarrassment at being caught by Teacher’s son.

“Are you crying?” Cein asked.

“No!” Jeha protested, moving to wipe his eyes. But before he could, Cein grabbed his hand.

“Stop with the mask. Don’t pretend to be okay when you’re not. Let your tears out,” Cein commanded gently without meeting his eyes. “If you don’t let your sadness out, it will poison you from the inside, killing you slowly until there is nothing left to live for.”

Jeha stared at the older boy, his wrist still held in the boy’s larger hand. Then the dam broke and Jeha began to heave big, heavy sobs. Cein loosened his grip and Jeha threw his arms around Cein’s waist and cried.

Jeha didn’t know how long he cried, but slowly the sadness lifted. It was still there. He was still heartbroken to stop his piano lessons. He still felt scared at the concerned faces on the adults around him and the way his dad looked after his coughing episodes. But those feelings weighed less now, no longer demanding to erupt from him.

The tears stopped first, then his breathing slowed and became steady. “Are you ready to go in now?” Cein asked.

Jeha nodded with his face still buried in Cein’s now damp shirt. Cein patted his head and then gently took a step back from Jeha. He bent over and searched Jeha’s face for the answer to an unasked question and then nodded in return.

Cein led the way into the academy, and Jeha took his place at the piano and began his practice. He always got stuck in the same place in this new song. His fingers just wouldn’t move right.

“Like this,” Cein said coming over to stand behind Jeha. He reached his arms over Jeha’s shoulders and placed his hands so his fingers rested softly on top the smaller set. Then Cein rhythmically repeated the part over and over again until Jeha’s fingers took over leading the movement. Cein slowly lifted his hands until breaking contact, Jeha continued on his own.

“Great job both of you,” Teacher praised walking into the room.

Cein joined his mother at the side of the piano. Jeha watched Teacher pat Cein on the head the same way Cein had patted him in the alley. “Maybe one day you will take over as teacher when I am gone,” she smiled and Cein smiled back. But Jeha saw that neither smile reached their eyes. It was something he started noticing when his parents’ smiles had changed after his dad became sick.

“Jeha, I heard this will be your last lesson for a while. Why don’t we celebrate your hard work with a concert of your favorite songs for Cein and me?” Teacher purposed.

Jeha smiled and nodded with excitement, but before he could begin, Cein started biting his nails and his mom tisked. “Stop that. You won’t have any fingers left if you don’t stop eating them,” Teacher scolded. “Go ahead and warm up Jeha, I’ll be back in a minute. And you,” Teacher said pointing at Cein, “Keep your fingers out of your mouth until I get back with the bitter paint.”

Cein dropped his hands to his side and looked at the floor, his chewed thumb tucked inside a clenched fist. Jeha only dared to look for a quick second, but he thought he could see tears in those eyes. Tears that Hyung was not allowing to come out.

Present Day

Jeha looked at Hyung’s nails, chewed so short that the skin was torn and red, dried blood crusted at the edges of the shortest ones. Jeha looked at his own nails, rough and jagged from biting them. He wondered if his would be that bad if he wasn’t always being scolded. Cein no longer had someone to scold him and coat his nails with bitter paint. Then his eyes lit up with an idea.

Jeha controlled his excitement as he slowly sat up and slid from the bed, wary of waking Cein. Moving quietly to his backpack, he sifted through it until he found the liquid paper and the pen he had been searching for. Jeha had wanted to get Hyung a birthday present just from him, but he had already given the group all the money he had and he didn’t dare to steal any more from step-father. So this was perfect. Now he only hoped Cein really was a deep sleeper and not faking all those naps while they goofed off in the detention room.

Jeha held his breath when he painted the first nail. By the second one, he was brave enough to hold the finger he was painting. When Cein’s breath stayed steady and unchanged, Jeha was convinced that he was a deep sleeper and picked up Cein’s hand in his.

Jeha knew he should go home, but he wasn’t ready to yet. He still wasn’t over yesterday’s blowup with him mom. He wasn’t worried about getting in trouble for staying out all night. He didn’t even care if he was. But he knew his mom would be worried and he wasn’t done hurting her.

Yesterday

Jeha sat quietly, taking small bites of his breakfast, even though his appetite was gone. Step-father hadn’t even talked to him for the entire meal. He was too busy talking to his son, Mingook.

“Jeha’s grades are improving. He’s working hard with his new tutor,” Mom informed Step-father, trying to gain some approval for her son.

“Oh yeah? That’s good,” Step-father said without looking at him. “Once you have the discipline to study on your own like your brother, we won’t have to waste money on a tutor.”

Jeha put his utensil down, done pretending to eat. He hated this family. Sitting at this table, while this man went on and on about his golden son Mingook, his mother begging for scraps of his love, pleading with her eyes for Jeha to say or do something that would magically get Step-father to look at him, was unbearable. Jeha didn’t know who he hated more; the people he sat with or himself for biting his nails to stay silent.

Step-father finally looked up and Jeha froze, unable to drop his hand from his mouth even though he knew he should. “How many times do I have to tell you to stop with that disgusting habit of yours? Leave the table.”

“Yes sir,” Jeha said and quickly removed himself, a smile spreading across his face as he left the room.

It wasn’t long before his mother entered with a small bowl of rice. “Did you get enough to eat?”

“I’m fine,” Jeha answered coldly without looking up from his homework.

“Why do you have to provoke him Jeha?”

“Like it would matter.”

“Just try harder.”

“Try harder? Are you serious?” Jeha snapped bitterly, slamming his pencil down on his desk. “I did try. I did everything. For years. I played the perfect son. Put on a mask. Hid every part of myself that you asked me to hide. But it didn’t matter. I still wasn’t good enough for him. He didn’t care. And now neither do I.”

“Then at least try for me,” his mother begged.

Jeha turned and met those pleading eyes with his stony glare. “I already told you, I don’t care anymore.”

Present Day

Jeha didn’t feel anything as he thought back to yesterday. There was no sadness, and even his anger seemed more like an idea than a feeling. There were no tears he held back, those had stopped long ago. Cein had been right. Wearing a mask, holding in his sadness, it had poisoned him and he wasn’t even sure he was still alive.

Not long ago, Jeha had believed he didn’t care about anything anymore. He didn’t care about the way his Step-father treated him. He didn’t care about his mother’s tears. And he stopped caring about living long ago. But sitting here, the final nail painted with black and white piano keys, Jeha realized that he cared about seeing Hyung smile.

A tear slipped down Jeha’s cheek and a soft smile spread across his face as he looked from Cein to each of his sleeping companions. His gaze settled back on Cein, still looking peaceful in his sleep. It was nice to see that familiar emptiness wiped from Hyung’s face. Cein was poisoned just like he was, and maybe Cein had stopped living too. But as Jeha sat looked at that face, there was a tiny, scared piece of him that was starting to believe that they might be able to find a way back to the living together.

Thank you @raplinenthusiasts for the AMAZING GIFs!

[jamrroolloo]

Two big motifs kept constantly popping up as I was watching Begins ≠ Youth...

Lies

Adults are bad (like seriously, I dare someone to name one good adult in this show)

What's more interesting than these motifs on their own is the correlation between the two: most of said adults lie. Whether it's just a plain lie, a half-lie, a half-truth, a personal lie, etc., they just lie lie lie.

Let me make this more interesting by reminding you that all of the seven boys lie. (Call back to Mingook saying, "Pretending to be okay for each other, I can't stand it!") Whether it's to themselves or to each other - which for most of them it's both - all seven lie. If these "bad" adults are all liars, does that in turn mean all of the boys, also liars, are bad?

Maybe, it's the lies that are the true evil. Funnily enough though, sometimes the truth is worse than the lie. I mean look where Cein ended up when he learned how his father truly felt toward him.

Anyway, this whole show is a complicated jumble of lies and truth and lies and lies and... more lies..? Also good vs. bad and whatever... and idk, I just like to analyze stuff, don't mind me.

[btstulip]

FUUUUUUUUUCCCK!!!

Begins ≠ Youth rant…. Don’t look until you’ve finished the show

What the actual hell?!? I am so mad. This is exactly want I was worried would happen… they would end when the loop started and no real answers!

I had convinced my delulu self that they could wrap up the looping in a quick montage and still give us a happy ending, but noooooo, they wanted to keep the torture going. Instead, we have a bunch of broken, damaged boys and even more questions.

Now I can’t decide if those scenes in the trailer that are missing are from a second season already filmed or if they just got cut. Wishful thinking me hopes that they already completed the story and we are getting more episodes soon. In fact, full on delulu me wants to believe there are 4 more surprise episodes coming since a lot of K-Drama has 16 and not 12. They could do a lot in 4 more episodes. But I am pretty sure that is just me lying to myself. It actually seems way more on brand for this drama to just be another piece of the puzzle without being the full picture, just like the webtoon and notes. But if that is true and this is all we get… that was cruel!

Grrrrr. Well, I guess I’ll be writing more fanfiction because my brain is going to be obsessed with this and not be able to let it go.

[feathers-on-piano-keys]

waking up this morning was a crazy thing

so many clips and so much info about the youth drama😭

to be honest it’s called ‘Begins ≠ Youth’ and we should stop calling it the youth drama

anyway the sandstorm of content was overfilling cause we haven’t been fed in months

[andrhomeda]

working on a hyyh yoonkook inspired fancomic

instagram |  twitter |  support my art

[jeonjeha]

It's on me. BEGINS ≠ YOUTH | Episode 2

[deadsince1973]

Everyone I know who's into Chinese dramas (sample size: 3) got into them through The Untamed/CQL. At the same time, the Untamed/Mo Dao Zu Shi fandom seems to be larger than the fandom for all other C-dramas combined. So I'm curious about people (in an English-language fan space like this)'s relationship with C-dramas!

[raplinenthusiasts]

found family 🖤

[banghwa]

BEGINS ≠ YOUTH · Episode 4

[oursisthetear]

softest thread you'll see today: all the times jeha took cein arm in arm </3

[the-djarin-clan]

[tulip-fiction]

All my writing so far has been sad and angsty because it was my outlet for processing my emotions over the story/characters. But I really wanted to write something more fun and fluffy and I liked the idea of Jooan getting a gift for Dogeon. It was fun writing this, but it still made me sad because of what happens between them later in the show. I hope you enjoy it.

Bunny Apples - Begins ≠ Youth

Fan fiction

No content warning, all fluff and fun.

Jooan knew it was stupid to waste money on plastic fruit picks, but when he had seen them in the window of the specialty store, he couldn’t help himself. He wouldn’t even have known what they were if Dogeon hadn’t showed him the one he got from Jeha’s house. So the moment he saw them, he knew he had to buy them for Dogeon.

Now Jooan was hunched over the kitchen table, a bunch of ruined apples the result of his efforts. The videos he watched had made it look so easy, but the art of making apples into little bunnies was proving to have a bit of a learning curve. Jooan smiled as he inspected his current attempt. This one was good enough to put on the plate he would bring to Dogeon.

Listening to Dogeon explain about the little bunny shaped apples Jeha’s mom had served had left Jooan confused. Finding pictures of the carved apples online had only added to the ridiculous idea. It had been impossible for him to picture a mom spending time making fruit cute just so it could be chewed up. But as he cut another apple into slices for his Hyung, Jooan thought he now understood why a mom would labor away just to see the smile on their child’s face.

That’s why Jooan had to buy the little fruit picks that day. The idea of Dogeon’s smile had inspired this entire project. Dogeon and Jooan didn’t have parents that did these things for their kids, but they could do these things for each other.

Jooan still had happy memories of his family before things had fallen apart. He remembered helping his mom crack eggs into a bowl while they made his birthday cake together, his dad singing as he hung the laundry on the line to dry, and his sister laying on the floor, mindlessly humming along while she did her homework. But that was so long ago and as time wore on, these fading memories were beginning to feel more like the imagination of a young child. His family had shattered, his mom and sister both gone, and his dad barely alive. This was the family Jooan was born into, and they had left him alone. But Dogeon had always been there for him. Dogeon was the family he had chosen.

A sense of pride washed over Jooan as he placed the last little bunny on the plate. His dad stumbled over just as Jooan finished putting the fruit picks in place.

“What’s this,” he slurred reaching for one of Dogeon’s apples.

Jooan slapped his hand away. “Those are for you,” he gestured to the pile of mutilated rejects.

“What did you do to these?” his dad asked inspecting a lumpy, half-peeled chunk of apple. “Is this blood?”

“Oh just eat them,” Jooan ordered while he carefully covered his gift with plastic wrap. He quickly placed them in a bag and rushed out the door.

Jooan was excited to bring his Hyung a gift. To thank Dogeon for always being there for him when things went sideways. It had been Dogeon that he had run to the first time his dad had hit him. Hyung had held ice to his cheek while Jooan wept uncontrollably in his lap. After that, there were countless nights that Jooan had shown up, unexpected and broken. Dogeon welcomed him in every time without question or hesitation. Dogeon always made room for him, giving Jooan the space and time he needed until he was strong enough to go home again.

He didn’t know exactly when it had happened, but somewhere along the way, they had become family to each other. Dogeon was everything Jooan needed in an older brother. Safety. Stability. Comfort. Understanding. Jooan was the younger brother that admired his Hyung. And unlike Dogeon’s real brother, he listened to him and didn’t cause trouble, most of the time anyway. Today, he was the little brother that made bunnies out of apple slices.

Jooan was beaming from ear to ear when Dogeon answered the door. “I brought you something!” he blurted out excitedly, thrusting the bag out in front of him.

“Uh, hi,” Dogeon said confused by this unexpected announcement. “What’s this?” he asked taking the package from Jooan.

“I made it,” Jooan announced proudly as Dogeon unwrapped the plate.

A burst of laughter erupted from Dogeon when he saw his gift. “You made these?” he choked, his smile matching Jooan’s. “Thanks kid,” Dogeon said, ruffling his head. “You staying?”

Jooan nodded and followed Dogeon into the container where they sat down to share the apples together. Dogeon picked up the first apple and gave Jooan’s handy work a proper amount of respect before popping it in his mouth.

“Cute,” Dogeon praised through a mouth full of apple, handing one to Jooan. “I had no idea you could carve apples into beetles."

An apple hung limply from Jooan’s gaping mouth as he stared in horror at Dogeon. In a flash of irritation, Jooan about snatched the plate away from him. But as he watched Dogeon examine another apple with a fond smile on his face, Jooan smiled in return. Sure, he had made his Hyung beetle apples.

[getghosteddd]

begins youth is absolutely everything younger me could have wished for. its scratching the hyyh itch so well that its leaving me elated. sure, some things are different. sure, bighit messed with the release logistics. honestly? i cant care.

jin is here and he's carrying the pressure of the adult world and his found family. joon's here and he's throwing a protective arm over tae's shoulders like they aren't tired from 16 hours of work. jimin's dealing with demons that are straight out of psychological horror movies and his empty eyes when he smiles might be the biggest offender. hobi with his absolutely insanely human condition about the things he did to get love and attention and that conversation about tools for survival. tae who is the most hyyh of them all, balancing that knife's edge of innocent childishness and genetic violence, standing like he isn't a ticking time bomb.

jungkook, the youngest, who found a family and latched on too hard. who everyone worries will be corrupted, who has never quite fit in right, who smiles as he says words that belong to experiences much older than him. yoongi who has never been just the angst, the emotionless bastard. who has always shed that for his friends, thinking nothing of high falsettos and ridiculous cheers for their smiles. who silently protects and is loyal to the end. who is afraid of letting it be known, so that they can't expect him to stay, be someone worth staying for, because he wasn't enough for her and he'll never be enough for them. the roof of a building and the flickering of a flame.

agh. its so good. i feel so vindicated. this mattered to me, and whoever worked on this, it mattered to them too. the actors clearly studied and respected their roles, the characterisation stays true to them despite the source material being so easy to retcon. there's so much care and authenticity to what hyyh was back then. its still here, we never moved on, and they haven't either. thank god. i never said goodbye.

[btstulip]

Why?! My delulu brain has questions…

Why are they still releasing OST songs for Begins ≠ Youth? And why do I not remember most of these from the show? And why do some of the music videos contain scenes that weren’t in the show? (You can’t tell me they couldn’t have removed them once the final cut of the show was finished)

GIVE ME MORE EPISODES! I need to believe in the possibility of closure!

[feathers-on-piano-keys]

I watched the first ep of Begins ≠ Youth today. 🏴‍☠️🏴‍☠️

Cein, Min Cein is such a cool dudee such a cool character…. holy shit Min Cein (aka “yoongi”)

I love Ro Jonghyun!!

[yixiangs]

im so obsessed with hosu and haru and their dynamic of boy who's had to hide his illness all his life in order to avoid attention x boy who wants to be sick so desperately so he can finally get attention