#being an artist is just an infinite cycle of 'god i love being an artist they just let you do fucking whatever 😊' *does fucking whatever*

[unnamed-atlas]

[universetalkz]

Spiritual Guidance For You, The Individual Who Is Reading These Words:

It is the younger generations responsibility to correct the ignorance of the older generation, so that we as a human race can continue to improve and grow. There should not be a fight on which generations values were better, for there will always be a new generation of which SHOULD and always will be better, and this will continuously be the cycle for all of time. When the young generation then themselves become the older generation, they should then correct their own ignorances and grow with the way society has changed, because there will never be a time that the world won’t change and everyone in the world must change with it, or they stay stuck in a way of thinking, thus they do not spiritually advance or develop as much as they could if they let this illusion of knowledge and sense of ego, go. One that pretends that they have learned everything that they need to know already has done a large injustice to themselves. You have something to learn from every way of life, every being, every cell, every human being of any age. Do not limit yourself and refuse to listen on the idea that you already have it all figured out. There are infinite perspectives in this universe and it’s hard to accept the fact that there is no right way and no wrong way— neutrality is the even balance this world must one day understand to attain world peace. I truly believe this world can come to a common ground of love and acceptance and we can come together to rid the world of hatred and negativity. The freedom fighters, the outcasts, the black sheep, the artists, the teachers, the gurus, the truth seekers, etc—must do their part to help expand our collective consciousness. We must not FORCE individuals minds open, but using one’s best judgement, we should step in when the opportunity arises to help another soul open their mind in ways they never have before. There are people in this world who just need to be asked the right questions at the right times. And there are also some people who refuse to feel any type of discomfort and will not listen to you regardless. In your spiritual development, you will sharpen your judgement and know when to interfere regarding this and when to stay put. Listen to the signs of the universe, and use them as guidance. It is your responsibility to be a light in this world if this message relates to you and spread consciousness and awareness, and knowing this, you cannot force anything.

My personal affirmation: I want to continue to grow and improve and correct myself when I’m wrong so that I can do what I came here to do. I thank God for everything I have, and for all of the experiences I’ve had. I thank God for the people in my life and the wisdom I have attained through each individual that I have come into contact with. Peace & love to all.💚✨

[otterskin]

Inverted Mobius, Mr. Tesseract and The Avatar of Truth

The mystery of the weird collar has deepened, thanks to @nebulousfishgills​ - by which I mean they totally solved it.

To those just joining me, I noticed this in my previous breakdown of the Loki trailer here.

Mr. Mobius, played by Owen Wilson, has an ‘inverted suit’. His collar is an indentation in his suit, rather than going on top of it.

So, first, a scene from Endgame that I seriously did think of when we learned there was a character called ‘Mobius M. Mobius’ in Loki (played by Owen Wilson). And yet I didn’t put this together. Thanks again to nebulousfish for making me realize that these things might not be coincidences.

When Mr. Stark is inventing time travel, he asks his AI to create a depiction of a Mobius Strip, inverted.

Which gets him this:

Anyway, what is a Mobius Strip, and who is Mobius M. Mobius? (Not to be confused with Morbius the Living Vampire, though wouldn’t it be funny if he was mistaken for Mobius M. if this show gets big first?)

I am not a quantum theorist or comic book aficionado by trade, so let’s do a Wikipedia-Fu on it.

In mathematics, a Möbius strip, band, or loop (US: /ˈmoʊbiəs, ˈmeɪ-/ MOH-bee-əs, MAY-, UK: /ˈmɜːbiəs/;[1]German: [ˈmøːbi̯ʊs]), also spelled Mobius or Moebius, is a surface with only one side (when embedded in three-dimensional Euclidean space) and only one boundary curve. The Möbius strip is the simplest non-orientable surface.

An example of a Möbius strip can be created by taking a strip of paper and giving one end a half-twist, then joining the ends to form a loop; its boundary is a simple closed curve which can be traced by a single unknotted string. Any topological space homeomorphic to this example is also called a Möbius strip, allowing for a very wide variety of geometric realizations as surfaces with a definite size and shape. For example, any rectangle can be glued left-edge to right-edge with a reversal of orientation. Some, but not all, of these can be smoothly modeled as surfaces in Euclidean space. A closely related, but not homeomorphic, surface is the complete open Möbius band, a boundaryless surface in which the width of the strip is extended infinitely to become a Euclidean line.A half-twist clockwise gives an embedding of the Möbius strip which cannot be moved or stretched to give the half-twist counterclockwise; thus, a Möbius strip embedded in Euclidean space is a chiral object with right- or left-handedness. The Möbius strip can also be embedded by twisting the strip any odd number of times, or by knotting and twisting the strip before joining its ends.

A Möbius strip does not self-intersect but its projection in 2 dimensions does.

Uh....right. Well, that clears everything up, doesn’t it?

Let’s crib off someone else’s work. Thanks to Thomas Wong on Medium, I was able to understand this a little better.

A Möbius strip is just a strip of paper, turned and taped together. It it only has one side, so an ant walking along the strip eventually returns to where he started. If we metaphorically interpret the ant, not as returning to a point in space, but a point in time, then it alludes to time travel.

...

As previously discussed, after a measurement, the quantum mixture (half born and half never born) becomes a definite state (born or never born). Finding the “spectral decomposition” is to find all the possible energies (eigenvalues) and states. Using these, one can determine how a quantum object evolves with time.

Combining this with the metaphoric interpretation of the Möbius strip, it could be that Stark found how to make quantum objects evolve such that they revisit a point in time, hence time travel.

Okay, that’s a little easier to understand. So how does this relate to the character Mobius M. Mobius, aside from him being named after the strip and the (apparently antiquated) ideas about time travel?

Well, he was based on Marvel Comics Legend Mark Gruenwald, a guy known for his passion for the lore of the comics, which he knew in innate detail. He even wrote the Official Handbooks and whatnot. Likewise, Mr. Mobius is a stickler for detail and one of the few members of the TVA even allowed a face - although it is off the rack, as he’s one an infinite number of clones (god I love the TVA so much already, it’s heaven for a Douglas Addams fan like me).

Despite being a clone, he rose through the ranks and is nearly the top guy, serving only underneath Mr. Alternity (and I am not familiar with these comics so feel free to correct me). Mr. Alternity has almost no comics history, but is based on editor Tom Brevoort.

There are several other misters, all of them near-identical to ‘Moby’. Mr. Orobourous, Mr. Paradox, Mr. Tesseract (!) and Mr. Oburos. They are also minor characters, but let’s look at all these names.

Clearly they are named after quantum theories of some-sort or another.

Mr. Mobius: Mobius Strip Theory - the idea that, essentially, is about the shape of time itself and the theory of traveling along that shape.

Mr. Alternity : Alternative universes

Mr. Ouroboros: A divine figure representing the beginning and the end of time in an endless cycle of death and rebirth.

Mr. Oburos - I’m not sure, but I think this is a variant of Ouroboros. 

Mr. Paradox - Temporal paradox, causal loops - ex. The Grandfather Paradox

Mr. Tesseract - An object that exists in 4 dimensions. Time is often called the fourth dimension.

Obviously that last one is interesting, considering how the Tesseract will be the start of our adventure. The Cosmic Cube was renamed for the MCU, and in the comics has no relation to this minor character.

But what if it now does?

What if Tony has caused a change in the very appearance of Mr. Mobius when he inverted the Mobius Strip - literally inverting his clothing because he changed the shape of the Mobius - does that mean that these seemingly human-looking misters are in fact some sort of avatars for aspects of time itself? And if Mr. Tesseract is representative of how space and time intersect in the fourth dimension, wouldn’t a rogue god twisting space and time with the device that shares his name cause him some affect? Perhaps why the TVA noticed something was amiss to begin with.

This would be a departure from the comics, but the characters have almost no history there. They are ripe for new ideas.

Or, then again, since Loki will be working for the TVA - perhaps he’s the one who becomes ‘Mr. Tesseract’?

But continuing with that ‘Avatar of Aspects’ idea, let’s get away from this sausagefest for a second and visit my next newest favourite character -

I’m guessing she’s one of the Justices of the TVA. What gives it away? The imperious look, the giant oaken table, or the fact that I’m suddenly self-conscious when she looks at me? It’s the last one, of course. She’s a natural judge.

Of the named TVA judges, there’s :

Justice Goodwill, Justice Hope, Justice Liberty, Justice Love, Justice Might, Justice Mills, Justice Peace and Justice Truth.

Could they also possibly be avatars of their respective aspects?

If I had to guess, I’d say this is Justice Truth, as pairing up Loki with an avatar of Truth seems like it’d be a smashing good time, similar to how he was paired with Verity Willis in the comics. She might even be a composite character with Verity.

Verity’s power is detecting and seeing through all lies and illusions. I think this powerset will be given to Justice Truth, except instead of deriving it from a magic ring that she swallowed, she’d simply be the actual ‘Embodiment of Truth’ - and let’s get real here, when I said ‘Avatars of Aspects’, I was using that clunky phrase because the more obvious one - God of - is already ‘taken’. So Justice Truth may well be the ‘God of Truth’, as it were.

I think she’ll end up in something of a buddy-comedy with Loki, giving him someone to bounce off against who literally cuts through his carefully crafted veneer.

I’m reminded of a great quote from Taika Waititi when he was talking about what he wanted to do with Loki in Ragnarok:

“(He’s) someone who tries so hard to embody this idea of the tortured artist, this tortured, gothy orphan...It’s too tiring trying to be like that,” he says. “And, most humans, we get over ourselves, we get to that point where we’re like, ‘man, being a tortured artist is actually, like, a lot of work. Maybe I should just be real and present, and just be me, and I don’t have to be a tortured artist to be interesting, I can just be a f*cking weird New Zealander and that’s enough.”

...I think Taika is a living Loki, tbh, ha ha. No wonder he gets it.

Waititi, Yost, Pearson and Kyle did great work to cut through Loki’s illusions, both with dialogue and the visual allegory of his projections being dispelled by handy thrown objects, culminating in the very sweet ‘I’m here,’ scene at the end of the film. Loki seems to be much more open and expressive at the end of that film, and it seems like a weight has lifted off his shoulders.

But while this new Loki (Loki 2.0? Loki’s Show’s Loki? Loki II? Lokii? Lokii.) is shown a clip show of Ragnarok (one I previously theorized will be deliberately incomplete), that’s quite different from actually experiencing it, and he’ll be as performative as he was in Avengers and Thor 2. Instead of processing that ‘lack of presence’ as he did in Ragnarok, which came about as a result of Thor finally seeing through Loki’s illusions (guess he doesn’t fall for it anymore) as a result of their long history together, I suspect the band-aid will be torn off much more harshly by a total stranger who nonetheless simply sees through him.

Loki in general has a bad relationship with the truth (see the famous Vault Confrontation scene), and literally putting him on trial before the Truth Herself would certainly be enough to get him to switch from this phony expression:

To this one:

That’s not much of a facade there.

It’s not the same character arc as Ragnarok, but it does get us to a similar place, albeit in a darker and less healing way for Loki. I mean Lokii.

Anyhow. That’s what I got out of this thing.

[marabarl-and-marlbara]

odd numbers are divine 1 because it is everything 3 because it is the trinity & is also everything (1=3) 5 because it is angel & demon & is the divine organism 7 are unknowables i forget about them 6 is twice the trinity but evil because 2 is in it 8 lacks the trinity & has 2

4 is the polygon (the quad, another building block in 3d but really is just two triangles) & what makes arachnids 0 is the server when it was off, its in nothing but is the shadow] of 3 (&1) & it cant ever be seen by anything that contains 1 or 3 6 are insect 8 are arachnid

names of angels & demons always add up to 10, because their title is demon/angel + title 10 is the individual extraterrestrial ultraviolet & infrared are like glitches but they are also part of the system i dont think they can b represented with numbers because they rnt visible

god is inside every single insect every single plant every single house every single picture every single pigment its all god -- this is th argument 4 deep ecology imo but there is no point in being a deep ecologist; no 1 is advocating for plant rights,,

god is in deserts 2,, god is in anime 2,, there are primordial captures of god in old media imo like old games & stuff there are warpingsof god that gets denatured (they get more primordial w time); this is why sega saturn & psx have their own angels & demons cosmology

desserts* sry; but ya; go play a bunch of saturn games, go copy art styles from n64 & the genesis & dreamcast n realize how bziarre & contained it is,,, u are a monk illuminating a forgotten manuscript when you do that,, that is the devil(5) i tappedin2 with sengoku turb

my blood is 80% blood; waves from denatured god fractals r constantly being transmitted thru into me; they are rays of light that are always going thru everyone & every1 has it but no1 picks up on the light no noe sees the light refracting & denaturing them every single day

artificial light isp oisoning you, the light in the water is poisonoing you, the light in the food is poisonoing you, the light when you look injto a flower is poisoning you, the light when you look into sega saturn is poisoning you, you get poisoned in idnvidual waysby the color

ppl like sunny & dogi r super poisoned by the color & they pick up on it rlly well i think; keffie is increidbly poisoned by the color; here is so much artificial light in the blood of every1 bc its how the cycle goes; its like this: the world was made of light & color in nothing

the god that is in everythiing here is not the god that turned-on "nothing" & made it disappear into infinite triangles -- this is a different god we can never kno, its not ultraviolet, its not infrared, its completely outside ofthe shell we r contained in; but our god is god 2

our god is constantly trying 2 become its god outside, & in doing so the fractals of god in the deep-layer [humans] are being controlled by higher layer colors & lights to manufacture god -- like how pigments compete w each other 2 make paintings by artists u know, or music even

& eventually the shell will be completed & another torture chamber will be built & florish inside this torture chamber; progressiely more wounded gods create progressively more hellish torture chambers that they love like tamagotchis kinda

this is eve *(like adam n eve)from sm(pretend theres apicture of her here)t; if you draw this  enough & relate to it enough, rlly learn to love it, you will get poisoned by these colors 2,, if you look @ this image and listen there ARE voices inside of it, there IS static tht sounds like insects chattering

this IS psychosis but its also GOD contained within the chattering, this is how 2 invoke the crawling chaos; nyarlathotep is REAL & is awiting for you in infrared/ultraviolet adjacents that stray close to your pool, you just have to believe strongly enough & ignore all insects

if you just draw it you will be poisoned, if you just look at it you will be poisoned, if you just do the rituals some1 tells you you will be poisoned, but being poisoned isnt enough to find the crawling chaos, u need dseperation like in any religion 2 make chaos real in urself

this is y the suffering strategy works, the more you lose friends & the more you scare people & the mroe you scare yourself & the more you stop sleeping & the more you stop eating & the more you clip thru the walls in life the closer you get 2 seeing ultraviolet/infrared

& honestly that is a bad thing bc it makes u miserable; but misery is how uo get religion; christian gods are their own form of crawling chaos,, there is power in the ash; there is power in tending the grave of the qlifot, bc the dead things r inside of me 2,, i do not have life

the aspect of grace in decilne is important 2 me, as in my head it was: as long as i am graceful about my bad mannerisms, i can be Above the insects (like yuria from das3), but the genuis is internalizing all suffering makes it more caustic 2, bc it eats @ you inside outward

i cant hear the chattering bc i am not 5=angel i am 5=demon i was oplluted, angels polluting humans would make just a broken thing as me, but the colors from hellhurt jsut as much as colors from heaven; i can only see the colors that are inside & hear them even if they r soft

none ofhtis stuff is real, but its also 100% real; its not visible but its 100% visible; its not aduble but its 100% audbile; the insects trick tf out of you by writing books; nothing exists beyond ~1 week ago, the server resets every week, its just a .txt file now

is that real idk it might b me conflating my really bad memory w/ the server resetting bc i dont know/remember what mara was doing a week ago; this is ashell world tho; none of the ppl hwo can read this or respond 2 this are real they r just ghosts trying influence me in2 playing

sry about all this god im dumb but in love w u   🌈🌎👁‍🗨💙🌍🌏🔞🔪😌🙏🔥

[frmartinshomiliesandreflections]

14th March >> Fr. Martin’s Gospel Reflections / Homilies on John 3:14-21 for The Fourth Sunday of Lent, Cycle B: ‘God loved the world so much’.

Fourth Sunday of Lent, Cycle B (Laetare Sunday)

Gospel (Except USA)

John 3:14-21

God sent his Son so that through him the world might be saved

Jesus said to Nicodemus:

‘The Son of Man must be lifted up as Moses lifted up the serpent in the desert, so that everyone who believes may have eternal life in him. Yes, God loved the world so much that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not be lost but may have eternal life. For God sent his Son into the world not to condemn the world, but so that through him the world might be saved. No one who believes in him will be condemned; but whoever refuses to believe is condemned already, because he has refused to believe in the name of God’s only Son. On these grounds is sentence pronounced: that though the light has come into the world men have shown they prefer darkness to the light because their deeds were evil. And indeed, everybody who does wrong hates the light and avoids it, for fear his actions should be exposed; but the man who lives by the truth comes out into the light, so that it may be plainly seen that what he does is done in God.’

Gospel (USA)

John 3:14–21

God sent his Son so that the world might be saved through him.

Jesus said to Nicodemus: “Just as Moses lifted up the serpent in the desert, so must the Son of Man be lifted up, so that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life.”    For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him might not perish but might have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him will not be condemned, but whoever does not believe has already been condemned, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. And this is the verdict, that the light came into the world, but people preferred darkness to light, because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come toward the light, so that his works might not be exposed. But whoever lives the truth comes to the light, so that his works may be clearly seen as done in God.

Reflections (5)

(i) Fourth Sunday of Lent

My father loved fresh air. The bull wall was one of his favourite places. Like many men of his generation, he was a smoker and, sometimes, his breathing became a struggle. He loved to get out in the open where there was a good wind blowing that could fill his lungs. My mother was much less keen on fresh air, especially of the windy variety. It tended to leave her hair in what she considered a mess. After having experienced an abundance of fresh air at my father’s prompting, she was often heard to say, ‘I’m like the wreck of the Hesperus’. As children we were mystified as to what the ‘wreck of the Hesperus’ was. It was only many years later I discovered it was the name of a rather tragic poem about a shipwreck in a storm by the American poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, published in 1842. However, as children, we knew that when our mother came out with this expression it meant that she didn’t like the look of herself. In those moments, Saint Paul’s statement at the end of today’s second reading wouldn’t have cut much ice with her, ‘We are God’s work of art’.

Perhaps, we all find it difficult to really believe that we are God’s work of art. We admire the workmanship of great artists, like Michelangelo, Raphael, Caravaggio, and we recognize their creations as works of art. Many of these great artists were people of faith who were very aware that their ability to create works of art was a gift from God. They understood that God was the supreme artist, and they sensed that they were sharing in God’s creative power. Every new born child is God’s work of art, because they are an image and reflection of God, the supreme artist. In that sense, we are each God’s work of art. Just as a work of art can deteriorate over time and need cleaning and restoration, so, as we go through life, we do not always give full expression to our inner identity as God’s work of art. In that second reading, Saint Paul says that ‘we are God’s work of art, created in Christ Jesus to live the good life’. We don’t always live the good life that does justice to God’s work of art that we are.

Yet, what we do or fail to do does not fundamentally undermine who we are as people made in the image and likeness of the great Artist. Indeed, not only have we been created as human beings in the image of God, but that identity has been enhanced through God’s sending of his Son into the world and our communion with God’s Son through baptism and faith. Jesus was the perfect image and likeness of God. He was God’s greatest work of art. The closer we come to Jesus, the more he lives in and through us, the more we will grow into our true identity as God’s image and likeness, God’s work of art. We could imagine Jesus as the great restorer of God’s work of art, humanity. As Saint Paul says in that second reading, ‘when we were dead through our sins, he (God) brought us to life with Christ’. Through the life, death and resurrection of Jesus, God recreates us in his image and likeness, restores our identity as his work of art. Having created us out of love, God recreated us, restored us, out of love. That is the core message of today’s readings. The gospel reading declares that ‘God loved the world so much that he gave his only Son’. God’s renewing love embraces the world, all of humanity who have been made in his image and likeness, and, indeed, all of creation. Paul in the second reading states that God’s ‘goodness towards us in Christ Jesus’ shows ‘how infinitely rich he is in grace’. Paul goes on to remind us that God’s loving initiative towards us through his Son is pure gift; it is not a response to anything we have done, as if we had to build up credit with God first.

We are all aware of the good we have failed to do and the wrong we have done. As a result, we can be prone to condemning ourselves, and others can look in judgement upon us. Yet, God is not primarily in the business of condemning. In the words of the gospel reading, ‘God sent his Son into the world, not to condemn the world, but so that through him, the world might be saved’, might have life and have it to the full. The eyes of love always see goodness and beauty in the beloved even though he or she may leave a lot to be desired. Those we love deeply remain works of art to us, even though our shared journey may have had many ups and downs. God’s love for us, revealed in his Son, is infinitely greater than any human love. God continues to see us as his works of art, even though our lives may be tainted by sin. He continually gives us the gift of his Son and of the Holy Spirit so that can grow into that work of art more fully. All God of asks of us is that we keep opening our hearts to that gift of his Son, that we keep coming out into the light, in the words of today’s gospel reading.

And/Or

(ii) Fourth Sunday of Lent

 A painting hung for many years on the wall of a dinning room in the Jesuit house on Lesson Street. No one paid much attention to it until one day someone with a keen eye spotted it and realized that this could be something of great value. He had it further investigated by art experts, and it turned out that this painting was the work of no less a person than the great Italian artist Caravaggio. The painting of the arrest of Jesus in the garden now hangs in the National Art Gallery, and it is one of the Gallery’s great treasures. All those years it hung in the dining room of Lesson Street it was no less a treasure, but its worth, its value, went unrecognized. It hung there waiting to be discovered, waiting for someone to recognize its true worth, its true value as a work of art.

 In the second reading this morning, Paul states that ‘we are God’s work of art, created in Christ Jesus to live the good life’. Like the painting in Lesson Street, we can go unnoticed as a work of art, especially to ourselves. We don’t tend to think of ourselves as a work of art. Yet, as Paul reminds us in our second reading, God sees us as works of art. Like the person who spotted the painting in Lesson Street, God knows our true worth, our true value. As God said through the prophet Isaiah, ‘You are precious in my sight, and I love you’. We are as works of art to him, of great worth and value, precious in his sight.

 We can probably think of people in our own lives that are as works of art to us. These are people we value greatly, people we treasure, whose worth to us is beyond price. Today is Mother’s day, and most of us think of our mothers in that way, whether they are still living or are with the Lord. When someone is a treasure to us, we don’t count the cost in their regard. We will do anything we can for them. We will travel long distances to see them; we will stay up half the night to be with them if they are ill; we will defend and protect them with all our passion when necessary. We keep faith in them; we are faithful to them, even when that makes great demands on us. How we relate to those we value and treasure is not determined so much by how they relate to us. Even if they do something that annoys us, we tend to make all kinds of allowances for them. We say something like, ‘that’s just the way he is, she is’. Their worth in our eyes, their value to us, is rooted in something deeper than what they do or fail to do. We value them, simply, for who they are.

 Our experience of how we relate to those we value, and of how people who value us relate to us, gives us a glimpse of how the Lord relates to us. God loves us in a way that does not count the cost. The gospel reading today expresses that truth very simply: ‘God loved the world so much that he gave his only Son’. God sent us his Son out of love for us and that sending became a giving when his Son was put to death on a cross. Here was a love that did not count the cost, a sending that became a giving when that was called for. As Paul says in the second reading, ‘God loved us so much that he was generous with his mercy’. We are of such value in God’s eyes that God did not spare his own Son, but gave him up to benefit us all. It is not surprising that the cross has become the dominant symbol of Christianity. This is not because we glorify suffering in any way, but because we recognise that the cross is a powerful sign of how much God values us, how precious we are in God’s sight, the extent to which God is prepared to go to express love for us.

 Our love for those we value is bestowed on them for who they are more than for what they do. The same is true of God’s love for us in Christ. It is pure gift. As Paul says in the second reading, ‘it is not based on anything you have done’. Some of us find it difficult to really believe that. We find ourselves asking, ‘how I done enough?’ Yet, when it comes to someone in our lives whom we know truly loves us, we would rarely ask that question of them. Why should we ask it of God, when even the greatest of human love is only gives us a glimpse of God’s love? God loves us for who we are, people made in his image, and, therefore, works of art.

 What is asked of us in relation to God is that we receive God’s love, or in the words of the gospel reading today, that we come into the light. The light of God’s love falls upon us, but we can hide from it. Children fear the darkness very often. But as adults we often fear the light, because we suspect that the light will expose us in some way. Yet, the light of God is not a harsh light, the kind of light that is trained on a suspect in an interrogation room. It is a strong, yet warm, light that brings healing and generates new life. It is an empowering light that enables us to ‘live the good life’, as Paul says in the second reading. We pray that, as the hours of day light increase in these days, the life-giving light of God’s love would renew us and fill us with a desire to serve him.

And/Or

(iii) Fourth Sunday of Lent

 Children are often afraid of the dark, as the parents here in the church will know. A dim light is sometimes left on while children sleep, so that if they wake up it is not in pitch darkness. Many of us as adults find total darkness disconcerting too. Those of us who live in cities never really experience total darkness. It is different out in the country away from villages, towns and cities. I remember going on a holiday as a young person to the Arran Islands and being struck by just how dark it was at night. There was very little in the way of artificial light to dispel the darkness. The experience of near total darkness after night fell was disconcerting.

 Although most of us would claim to prefer light to darkness, in today’s gospel reading Jesus declares that some people ‘have shown they prefer darkness to the light because their deeds were evil’. Most crime is committed during the hours of darkness. Those who are intent on doing wrong are drawn to darkness because it provides them with cover. As today’s gospel states: ‘Everyone who does wrong hates the light and avoids it, for fear his actions should be exposed’. One of the many security measures that have become popular in recent years is an array of bright lights that come on at night whenever anyone steps into an area that is out of bounds. Light is considered, with good reason, to be a deterrent to the person who is intent on committing crime. Indeed, there is a sense in which we all fear too much light just as we do too much darkness. Many of us prefer to stay in the background, in the shadows; we don’t like the spotlight being shone on us. We all have secrets that we would wish to remain in darkness, away from the bright lights that human curiosity and inquiry might like to shine on them. There are aspects of our lives that we would prefer to remain in darkness because we are not sure how people might respond to us if a bright light were to be shone on them. We only bring our deepest selves out into the light in the presence of those we really trust.

 The gospel of John frequently refers to Jesus as light. On one occasion, Jesus says of himself: ‘I am the light of the world’. In today’s gospel reading, Jesus says with reference to himself: ‘Light has come into the world’. The gospel reading also declares that the light that has come into the world in the person of Jesus is the light of God’s love. In one of the most memorable statements of the New Testament, the gospel reading declares, ‘God loved the world so much that he gave his only Son so that everyone who believes in him… may have eternal life’. The light of Jesus is not the probing light of the grand inquisitor that seeks out failure and transgression with a view to condemnation. Indeed, the gospel reading states that God ‘sent his Son into the world not to condemn the world’. The light of Jesus, rather, is the inviting light of God’s love, calling out to us to come and to allow ourselves to be bathed in this light, and promising those who do so that they will share in God’s own life, both here and now and also beyond death.

 At the beginning of today’s gospel reading, Jesus speaks of himself as the Son of Man who must be lifted up. It was on the cross that Jesus was lifted up, and it was above all at that moment that the light of God’s love shone most brightly. It is a paradox that those who attempted to extinguish God’s light shining in Jesus only succeeded in making that light of love shine all the more brightly. God’s gift of his Son to us was not in any way thwarted by the rejection of his Son. God’s giving continued as Jesus was lifted up to die, and God’s giving found further expression when God raised his Son from the dead and gave him to us as risen Lord. Here indeed is a light that darkness cannot overcome, a love that human sin cannot extinguish. This is the core of the gospel. This is why the fourth Sunday of Lent is known as Guadete Sunday, Rejoice Sunday.

 When we are going through a difficult experience and darkness seems to envelope us, it can be tempting to think that we will never see the light again. This is the mood that is captured in today’s responsorial psalm: ‘By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat and wept’. Today’s readings assure us that there is a light that shines in the darkness and that the darkness will not overcome, a light that heals and restores, in the words of today’s second reading, a light that brings us to life with Christ and raises us up with him. It shines in a special way whenever we celebrate the Eucharist. As we gather around the table of the word and the table of the Eucharist, the light of God’s love revealed in the death and resurrection of Jesus shines upon whatever darkness we may be struggling with in our lives.

And/Or

(iv) Fourth Sunday of Lent

 A painting hung for many years on a dinning room wall in the Jesuit house on Lesson Street. No one paid much attention to it until one day someone with a keen eye realized that this could be something of great value. It was further investigated by art experts, and it turned out that this painting was the work of the great Italian artist Caravaggio. The painting of the arrest of Jesus is now hangs one of the National Gallery’s great treasures. All those years it hung in the dining room of Lesson Street it was no less a treasure, but its value went unrecognized. It hung there waiting to be discovered, waiting for someone to recognize its true value as a work of art.

 According to the particular translation of the letter to the Ephesians we read from this evening, we are all ‘God’s work of art, created in Christ Jesus to live the good life’. We don’t tend to think of ourselves as works of art. Yet, like the person who spotted the painting in Lesson Street, God knows our true worth, our true value. We are works of art to God; we are of great worth and value in God’s sight.

 We can all think of people in our own lives whom we value greatly, whose worth to us is beyond price, because to us they are works of art. Today is Mother’s day, and most of us think of our mothers in that way, whether they are still living or are with the Lord. When someone is a treasure to us, we don’t count the cost in their regard. We will do anything we can for them. We will travel long distances to see them; we will stay up half the night to be with them if they are ill; we will protect them with all our passion when necessary. How we relate to those we value and treasure is not determined so much by how they relate to us. Even if they do something that annoys us, we tend to make all kinds of allowances for them. We say something like, ‘that’s just the way he/she is’. Their worth in our eyes is rooted in something deeper than what they do or fail to do. We value them, simply, for who they are.

 Our experience of how we relate to those we value, and of how people who value us relate to us, gives us a glimpse of how God relates to us. God loves us in a way that does not count the cost. The gospel reading today expresses that truth very simply: ‘God loved the world so much that he gave his only Son’. God sent his Son out of love for us and that sending became a giving when his Son was put to death on a cross. Here was a love that did not count the cost, a sending that became a costly giving when that was called for. As Paul says in the second reading, ‘God loved us so much that he was generous with his mercy’. We are of such value in God’s eyes that God did not spare his own Son, but gave him up to benefit us all. It is not surprising that the cross has become the dominant symbol of Christianity. This is not because we glorify suffering in any way, but because we recognise that the cross is a powerful sign of how much God values us, how precious we are in God’s sight; it shows the extent to which God is prepared to go to express love for us.

 Our love for those we value is bestowed on them for who they are more than for what they do. The same is true of God’s love for us in Christ. As Paul says in the second reading, ‘it is not based on anything you have done’. Some of us find it difficult to really believe that. We find ourselves asking, ‘how I done enough?’ Yet, when it comes to someone in our lives whom we know truly loves us, we would never think of asking them, ‘Have I done enough?’ Why should we ask such a question of God, when even the greatest of human love is only gives us a glimpse of God’s love? God loves us for who we are, people made in the image of God’s Son, and, to that extent, works of art.

 What God asks of us is that we receive God’s love revealed and made present in Christ, or, in the words of the gospel reading today, that we come into the light. The light of God’s love falls upon us, but we can hide from it. Children fear the darkness very often. But as adults we often fear the light, because we suspect that the light will expose us in some way. Yet, the light of God is not a harsh light, the kind of light that is trained on a suspect in an interrogation room. It is a strong, yet warm, light that brings healing and generates new life. It is an empowering light that enables us to ‘live the good life’, as Paul says in the second reading, ‘to do good works’. As the hours of day light are increasing in these days, we pray that the life-giving light of God’s love would renew us and fill us with a new desire to serve him.

And/Or

(v) Fourth Sunday of Lent

 We have become very aware in recent weeks of how much longer the days are getting. We are half way through the month of March and already it is bright up until after six o’clock. We have even brighter days to look forward to, especially as the clock goes forward next weekend. The brighter evenings brings everybody out. With the increase in light, there is also an increase in growth. The first blossoms of spring have already come out. Nature is coming to life after a time of hibernation.

 The gospel reading this morning is in keeping with what is happening in nature. It declares that ‘light has come into the world’. The light there is a reference to the light of God that has come into the world through Jesus. Both the second reading and the gospel reading make clear that the light of God is the light of love. The second reading declares that God loved us with so much love that he was generous with his mercy; it speaks of God’s goodness towards us in Christ, the infiniteness richness of God’s grace in Christ. The gospel reading declares that God loved the world so much that he gave his only Son. In the light that Jesus brings from God we find mercy, compassion, great love, kindness, infinite grace. Sometimes we don’t like too much light. There is a certain kind of light that can expose us mercilessly, like the light of the interrogator’s lamp. However, Jesus brings a light that need hold no fear for us; it is a divine light that lifts us up, just as the Son of Man was lifted up, in the words of the gospel reading. Here is a light that assures us of our worth and that helps us to see the goodness that is within us and the good that we are capable of doing. It is a light that, in the words of the second reading, allows us to recognize that ‘we are God’s work of art, created in Christ Jesus to live a good life’. It is the light of a love that shines upon us regardless of what we have done or failed to do. As the first reading reminds us, God’s grace, God’s love, comes to us not on the basis of anything we have done. It is not something we earn by our efforts; it comes to us as a pure gift. When God gave his Son to the world, did not ask whether the world was worthy of his Son or whether the world was ready for his Son. Even when the world crucified God’s Son, God did not take back his Son from the world. Rather, God continued to give his Son to the world, raising him from the dead and sending him back into the world through the Holy Spirit, through the church. Here is a light that shines in the darkness and that the darkness cannot overcome, in the words of the gospel of John.

 We all long for that kind of light, a light that is strong and enduring, a light that can be found at the heart of darkness and that is more resilient than darkness. We have all experienced darkness in one shape or form. It may be the darkness of sickness, or of the death of a loved one or the darkness of failure; we may struggle from time to time with the darkness of depression, with those dark demons that tell us that we are worthless and that life is not worth living. Something of that darkness of spirit finds expression in today’s responsorial psalm. It was composed from the darkness of exile in Babylon. ‘By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat and wept, remembering Zion’. We may have known our own experiences of exile in its various forms, times when we felt cut off from what gives meaning and purpose to our lives. The readings this morning assure us that in all those forms of darkness, a light shines - the light of God’s enduring love that is constantly at work in our lives so that we may have life and have it to the full. In the words of the gospel reading again, ‘God gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him... may have eternal life’.

 Even though this wonderful light has come into the world and wants to shine upon us all, we can be reluctant to step into that light, and allow it to shine upon us. In the words of the gospel reading, ‘though the light has come into the world, people have shown that they prefer darkness to the light’. This is the mysterious capacity of human freedom to reject the light, to turn away from a faultless love and a boundless mercy. Yet, our coming to the light is often a gradual process; it can happen slowly, at our own pace. The Lord is always prepared to wait on us; he waits for our free response. We are not used to a love that is as generous, as merciful, as rich in grace and goodness as God’s love; it takes us time to receive it, to believe in it, to embrace it. Receiving God’s love and then living out of that gift is the calling and task of a life time.

Fr. Martin Hogan.

[mhenvs3000-20]

Not feeling well? Here, have a dose of nature.

Nature is a cure. A cure for what exactly? Well, that’s hard to say. Not because I have trouble finding an answer for what nature might be a cure for. Instead, it’s hard to say because I have trouble not saying “everything”.

Photo of an artistic representation of nature as a cure. The plants are cleverly placed in a standardized pharmaceutical pill container. Retrieved from here.

My personal guiding ethic as a nature interpreter is that nature is a cure. Richard Louv, based on our readings during the course, seems to agree. He invented the term “nature-deficit disorder” because of research he has performed that spans over a decade. He’s studied how there are physical, psychological, social, spiritual, and environmental consequences from having a “nature-deficit disorder” (Beck et al., 2018, p. 50). Louv’s work includes effects on children (2005), adults (2011), and entire communities (2016).

My beliefs are in line with Louv’s because I have witnessed the healing power of nature through my own experiences. Spending time in nature and learning about the details consistently reignites me and makes me feel at peace. The stresses of modern life melt away when I am engulfed in nature. It’s the best medicine I have, but I’m aware that’s my own subjective experience.

Photo of Hamilton Pool, USA. Seeing this in person blew me away and it was the moment that I began to see nature as magical. Being here for a brief moment healed me from poisonous psychological mind states that are an inevitable result of modern society. Retrieved from here.

In my opinion, experiencing things for yourself is much more valuable than scientific data proving something. This is because science is always behind. It takes years to perform a flawless experiment that has conclusive evidence. Additionally, science can only study a few variables at a time by definition, since scientific experiments rely on altering one variable at a time for the purpose of establishing cause and effect relationships. In real life, there are infinite variables. Therefore, science is powerful, but I always make the argument that our own experience is far more valuable because we can reach conclusions faster.

So, my opinion that nature is a cure is not founded on scientific principles. Of course, there are some scientific experiments that can demonstrate why nature helps with certain illnesses such as the ones Louv carried out (Beck et al., 2018, p. 50). But, when I say nature is a cure, I mean it is a cure that exceeds beyond what science can definitively confirm in the foreseeable future. 

This is why I feel responsible for sharing nature with the world. I think our current society has a twisted perversion with science. Science is the modern God. As a scientist myself who has been studying biology for the last half decade, the problems with science are clear to me. I feel a personal responsibility to stop this perversion and make people realize that science should not be our primary guiding principle.

It’s a nuanced idea that I want to share with the world. That nuanced idea is not meant to take away from the power of science and its incredible utility, but to help differentiate the power of science versus the longevity of conclusive data. To put it simply, a real scientific finding that has practical application to our lives and is irrefutably correct usually takes a long time. A really long time.

Through nature interpretation, I can bring this idea to people. For example, I can show people the amazing scientific discoveries related to bees such as how they communicate through sophisticated dances that are similar in precision to a modern GPS. I can outline how honey is made, what constitutes it, and how honey can be synthetically made through chemistry. I can share discoveries related to global bee species decline as a result of several factors such as neonicotinoid pesticide usage and climate change. But, I can also be honest about the limitations of science. I can say that we don’t really know what the answer to bee decline is. I can even say we don’t know if we need an answer. Perhaps, the bees can decline and nature will smoothly go on because other species will take its place. Perhaps, some plants that heavily rely on pollination may go extinct and be replaced with other ones. Is every “problem” worth solving? Dinosaurs, mammoths, and countless other species have gone extinct, but Earth remains. Nature always has a way of balancing everything in a beautiful and harmonious way that humans have historically never managed to do properly. They stopped forest fires in British Columbia, only to now purposely have controlled fires because they realized the positive biodiversity effects of forest fires (British Columbia Wildfire Service, 2010).

Nature interpretation is a way for me to tie all these complex ideas together into presentations that can bring genuine peace to people. People can leave an interpretative session with me realizing the power of nature and its harmonious ways.

I’d place emphasis on explaining connection. How everything connects together in a seamless fashion that is infinitely perfect. How the tree produces a seed and wraps it up with a fruit. How an animal will enjoy the nutrition of that fruit, but how that indirectly helps the tree reproduce by dispersing that seed as a result of eating the fruit. How that seed will eventually thrive as its own tree and continue the cycle. The cycle of never ending perfection.

All we can do is relax and enjoy this perfection, if only for a brief moment. We can breathe in the oxygenated air and feel grateful for nature. We can bask in its power and energy just like we love to bask in the sun. Then we can get back to our busy lives of obligations and responsibilities, but recharged with a potent kind of energy that is capable of worldly success.

As Robert Frost wrote originally almost 100 years ago (2000),

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep. But I have promises to keep. And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

[References for entire post included by clicking below]

References

Beck, L., Cable, T., and Knudson, D. (2018). Interpreting Cultural and Natural Heritage for a Better World. Urbana, IL: Sagamore – Venture Publishing LLC.

British Columbia Wildfire Service. (2010). British Columbia Wildland Fire Management Strategy. Retrieved from https://www2.gov.bc.ca/assets/gov/public-safety-and-emergency-services/wildfire-status/governance/bcws_wildland_fire_mngmt_strategy.pdf

Frost, R. (2000). Stopping by woods on a snowy evening: For SATB choir and keyboard. London, Ont: Jaymar Music.

Louv, R. (2005). Last child in the woods: Saving our children from nature-deficit disorder. Chapel Hill, NC: Alqonquin Books of Chapel Hill.

Louv, R. (2011). The nature principle: Human restoration and the end of nature-deficit disorder. Chapel Hill, NC: Alqonquin Books of Chapel Hill.

Louv, R. (2016). Vitamin N: The essential guide to a nature-rich life. Chapel Hill, NC: Alqonquin Books of Chapel Hill.

[scumerage]

The Idea of Evil and Heroism - Humanity wants to be destroyed:

First tumblr post (sorry it’s just a repost from my reddit account), just thought maybe some people would find it interesting.

Disclaimer: I am not well versed in the lore, story, or manga of Berserk by Kentaro Muira, this theory is inspired by what little I know of the Idea of Evil from Berserk and applying it to the world of One Punch Man, this is not meant to represent the actual lore of that series.

#I. The Idea of Evil and Justice:

Ever since the introduction of monsters, the prophecy, and later God, there has been the lingering question of WHY? Why do people (and anything at all) become monsters? Why are so many cataclysmic events happening pushing humanity to the brink of destruction? What is the ultimate source of evil in the world? Is it Earth reacting against human pollution? Is some supernatural enemy of humanity, this “God” person?

No… the source of evil is humanity…. Because humanity wants to be destroyed.

How can that be true? The vast, vast majority of humanity never become monsters, never live extrordinary lives, and never desire anything so horrible. If humanity truly desired that, wouldn’t it have been wiped out long ago? And how does their subconcious will change the very fabric of their human existence?

The very basis for power in the world of One Punch Man, the strong desire for change literally changing reality, is why heroes become strong, why chaos creates monsters… and why the Earth is doomed. If God is involved, he is no mere evil villain, or even much of a person, he simply a force of nature or the universe, like Truth from Fullmetal Alchemist. Perhaps like the Idea of Evil from Berserk, he is literally a manifestation of  humanity itself. God gives humanity what they want:

If humans seek heroism, God grants them power and courage.

If humans seek strength, God grants them just mere power, without any moral change.

If humans seek destruction, God grants them power and bloodlust as monsters.

But then what is the root cause of humanity’s overall desire for self destruction? Because Blast wanted to be a hero.

#II. The History of Heroes and Monsters:

Take a step back decades ago before monster arose… there are only peaceful Nature Kings, some robots/ninjas/samurai/martial artists running around… but the world remains relatively peaceful, no world ending threat had arisen…. Yet Blast was a hero, no, not “a hero”, but THE HERO!

Blast wanted to be a hero… so he takes down random human caused villains whenever they arose.

Humanity is inspired by him and wants to see him save the world and/or Blast wants to continue to save the world (Edit 1).

More and stronger threats arose, random monsters began to appear.

That is why Blast went into hiding, why he “doesn’t stand idly on the world stage”: he alone realized that the very power and conviction he used to save the world was endangering it.  And after he disappeared? A few monsters still arise here or there, robots/ninjas/Dr. Genus sceme in secret, but no existential threat to the world.

…. Then 3 years ago, Saitama strives to become a hero as well, one that can defeat any monster in one punch.

An explosion in growth of monster numbers and power ensues.

The Hero Association is inevitably created to defend humanity.

Demon level monsters arise

S-Class are founded to defeat Demons

Dragon level monsters arise

The destructive cycle continues

#III. The Prophecy and Blast:

And it just keeps getting worse and worse. At this point Blast probably realizes that the Earth is likely doomed to be destroyed due to heroism, and at best he is trying to delay the inevitable. Madam Shibabawa saw the future, and she too was horrified by what she saw. Psykos too caught a glimpse of the prophecy, and she realized how worthless humanity was. Even monsters themselves are being driven, not to simple violence, but to epic battles with heroes, as shown by Kabuto, Boros, Rhino Wrestler, Phoenix Man, Orochi, and so many others. As was said by Garou, himself ignorant of the deeper truth behind his words (or perhaps God himself was even influencing him?!): “The source of the madness? That’ll be humans”.

And here’s where the previous theory about Blast’s philosophy and fighting Saitama evolves into infinitely more significance: Blast isn’t simply too lazy to save the world himself, or some radical individualist teaching others, ”Don’t go expecting someone to come and save you.”  Blast knows that his own power isn’t enough to save the world… and neither is Saitama’s (Edit 2). He must stop Saitama, not because Saitama isn’t strong/hardworking/smart enough to save the world, but Saitama’s heroism and inspiring humanity will guarantee it’s destruction. Blast has to stop Saitama… as a last ditch effort to save the world.

#IV. Final Notes:

Edit 1:

It’s unclear whether or not the cause of monsters is inspired civilian humanity wanted to be saved by heroes or prideful heroes wanting to continue saving humanity. However, the end result is the same, Blast is completely justified and Saitama is not: the only way to save humanity is for heroes to stop saving it. Crazily enough, perhaps Garou’s twisted plan might have saved humanity all on its own! Or not, if some crazy people starting worshiping monsters. Sucks, doesn’t it? People loving heroes causes monsters, and people loving monsters causes monsters. Earth just can’t win, can it?

Edit 2:

God is likely either part of existence like Truth from Fullmetal Alchemist, or part of humanity like the Idea of Evil from Berserk. Saitama, even if he somehow could kill him, either wouldn’t erase God from existence, he would simply come back, OR killing him would destroy the natural order of the universe/humanity. Therefore… Saitama cannot defeat God AND save humanity, he will need to find another way…. Such as giving up his dream of being a hero.

[amandaray-nature-vs-nurture]

Take a Mosey on Down the Diagnosis Trail

Was I depressed? How depressed? Was it “clinical” or “seasonal” or “major”? From what I remember, at first I was clinically depressed. Sprinkle some Zoloft on it.

I didn’t like taking the Zoloft and whatever else I was prescribed; didn’t like the notion of having to take pills to be “normal”. As I know now, that is not an uncommon sentiment. I am pretty sure I was diagnosed within those same few years as having some anxiety disorder, but it was not an “official” diagnosis at first. I remember going back and forth with trying to accept this diagnosis and take my medication when I was supposed to. I had access to the internet back then, but it wasn’t like it is now. Not for most of us, anyway. We didn’t think of searching for things online and definitely couldn’t just type a vague idea in the web address bar and get anything other than an error message. Back then, free AOL CD’s were everywhere by the thousands and I began collecting them by the pounds in my bag and would just hide them in random places all over any house or place of business I found myself at.

Within the same year of being released after my first committal, my sister got arrested after snitching on her own damn self and my mom and I moved to a one road, one grocery store, no red-light town. We lived in an itty-bitty house, my window looking out onto a massive lot for semi-trucks to back up and turn around in (at least, that’s all they ever did right there) at the cotton factory. I could jump out of my window and be in said lot before I even completed taking a single step. There were adventures to be had there many intoxicated nights (one more serious than the rest), of the infinite types of adventures that would have resulted in death in most other instances. I’m lucky to be alive. “Lucky” doesn’t even begin to describe it. I hear stories about young women or men just being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or making risky decisions, and not making it out alive -- and I feel like absolute shit knowing that I dodged so many bullets and they did not.

So, as I was saying, my mom and I lived in this house -- just us -- and things steadily devolved. Meaning: there was absolutely zero psychiatric care during that time. Loads and loads of self-medication, and lots of Live LiveJournal-ing (I have tried to recover the account, to no avail). Our house was the house for getting fucked up. It makes my heart palpitate and my guts twist to write this, so I am lucky (there’s that word again) that this is not a story detailing many of the happenings of that wretched place, or any of the wretched places that came after. This house is where my addict tendencies became known to me in a way, and where I developed an eating disorder.

I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder, but my best friend at the time Meghan and I would see who could go the longest without eating while taking fists full of diet pills (I always gravitated toward Metabolife) that we’d stolen up the street. We lived for the Pro-Ana sites/blogs that were around back then and used their tips and tricks and thin-spiration images daily. We ended up purging together after eating anything. We’d drink hot water and punch each other in the gut after jumping around for a while. We were competitive regarding things like who could get the next bone to be more pronounced, and how much we were able to purge vs how much we ate/drank, clothing size, weight, measurements, our side-effect symptoms of whatever we were taking or doing or just the whole mess in general, who bruised easier, who cut the most, the deepest -- who cut the most fucked up saying into which area of skin and using what -- and even our stools (speaks incredible volumes about your diet).

Meghan and I were extremely codependent. I spent those years with her cycling through an infinite amount of possible diagnoses, but I was never helped in any way. I remember a few episodes of psychosis or mania or whatever it was that are mixed with significant chunks of amnesia in my memory. When I think back on the few close friendships I had as an undiagnosed and untreated (or wrongly diagnosed and wrongly treated) person, I imagine that to the people who found themselves stuck in my orbit -- the people who found themselves hypnotized by my incredible vulnerability mixed with utter recklessness and abandon… it must have been awful for them. Especially when they eventually snapped out of their trance and saw what was happening to them because of my disastrous and dangerous ways. My willingness to go as low as one could imagine, at the blink of an eye. I annihilated souls one at a time -- but, for the very clear record, they were always willing participants. I never forced anyone’s hand. Maybe I obliterated the very essence of people, but by that point, they all chose their fates to be intertwined with my own.

In that itty-bitty house next to the cotton factory, my mom ended up abandoning me with a guy I had been dating for a couple of weeks, at most, and his mother ended up taking me in. I only have a few solid memories of that traumatic experience, as well as for the years that ensued at Robert’s house. I lived there, hurting myself in secret and having panic attacks and floating through the world only kind of remembering getting from one year to the next. There was more self-medicating and spiraling. Some cock fights. What I am saying is, there were a whole lot of years that I went untreated.

The next diagnosis that I remember is a Bipolar Disorder diagnosis. I have no idea if I was allegedly Bipolar I or II, but there were other diagnoses such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, Panic Disorder, and PTSD. Everyone uses OCD so loosely, “Omg, I know; I’m (or someone else they know is) so OCD about…” That, or they think that everything I do is going to be immaculate and organized;  perfect. They don’t talk about the intrusive thoughts or the weird obsessions that no one can know about or the compulsive rituals we do that often have nothing to do with anything but if they don’t get done, something awful will happen and it will be all our fault. I remember when I was young I had the literal Fear of God in me. I was obsessed with death and Heaven and Hell. Thought about it all the time. I was told that God heard our thoughts and that he could always see us. Every night when I would lay down to go to bed, I forced myself to think of every single possible infraction I made that day and to beg God’s forgiveness for it while clutching my Precious Moments Bible. I lost a lot of sleep due to this and so it became increasingly more difficult to stay awake each night. I would pinch and scratch and slap myself to stay awake and beg for forgiveness. At some point I also began praying for the health and safety of every single family member I could think of and then for the health and safety of every person I could recall in my memory from being out and about during the day. I spent entire nights probing my memories for every possible soul who needed my prayers in order to be safe. I had to cycle through them, imagining God cupping his hand down around their home like a shield to keep bad guys from breaking in and to keep fires from happening or violent weather or someone from inside the home from hurting them or aliens from abducting and probing them (Fire in the Sky ruined my life that extra layer) or just whatever else my mind could come up with to be terrified of happening. I had to do this, and I had to do it as many times as humanly possible every night. I would, of course, pass out sometimes. I’d awake with a jolt and grab for my Bible. But, wait… what if it is upside down?! I would think. Surely there are crosses and other things within this Bible that would only invite evil and ensure my spot in Hell if inverted?!  And so I would get up, turn the light on, and check. Getting out of bed every time I was unsure whether or not the Bible was facing the correct way was exhausting -- more exhausting than this whole thing already was. I came up with a solution: tie a cord from the string on my light to the rail of my daybed. That barely lasted a night because I was convinced -- despite the cord being nowhere near slack enough -- that the shit would get wrapped around my neck and kill me (and I would likely die with an inverted Bible in my hands, before I could finish my prayers). Solution? Super-glue a penny into the top left corner inside the front cover of the Bible so that I could just feel in the dark which way the hateful thing was facing. Problem solved (still have the thing).

The next diagnosis I had was Bipolar with Rapid Cycling (maybe some of the readers can see where this is going at this point). Also, the PTSD was bumped up to C (complex)-PTSD. I was put on mood stabilizers, lithium, some new anti-psychotic that was promoted as something else through the commercials on television and anxiety medications. I was in my early twenties at this time. Maybe mid. No later than mid. I had lost my mind after the death of a loved one and uprooted my life with Aidyn to move to Savannah at the petitioning of a couple I had met while I worked at Taco Mac. The wife worked there with me, and the husband came up to see her a few times. He was a tattoo artist and had found work in Savannah. They had outed themselves as swingers to me and requested my presence in their bed more than once. Oh, and they were also the most intensely religious people I’d ever met in real life. I was told that I’d have a job in the tattoo shop so I talked a coworker, Christine, into going down there with me to scout an apartment and “interview” at the shop. Fast forward to meeting my husband and a while with him, having Shane -- There’s a whole lot of dirty and dangerous detail in there, with another couple of stints in hospitals, and a whole lot of Ambien being used for everything but sleeping before this point, but they’re not important to this story.

I have just brushed over something here that is a big issue: skin picking. Excoriation. That has been a daily habit ever since I can remember. I think I have glossed over it so far now because it is not an issue which we are currently dealing with and focused on, but it has gotten so bad on a number of occasions that we couldn’t even go in public. That is not specifically my thing and so I am not very familiar with it, but I do have access to some of the memories we have about it. 

After a couple of stays in jail and yet another hospital stay, I had the diagnosis of Schizoaffective Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic episodes. That one got me to the medications I am currently taking. All of my previous diagnoses still stand. I hit one of my bottoms during this time. There’s a whole lot more that I don’t remember than I do.

A few more stays in jail and a few years of sobriety later, and I had a diagnosis of DID. Dissociative Identity Disorder. I am still navigating that one. I’ve definitely been back forth and all around with this. I have mapped out a timeline of sorts in a journal, and it’s astounding how much sense this diagnosis makes. Finally: A diagnosis that actually fits all the way around. It is still quite alarming, and I am still trying to establish good communication between alters within my inner world and be more okay with referring to us as us or we or a system. We know now that the path we took could have never led us anywhere but here. We understand that only due to our most recent move to a place where we are safe with the kids, were we able to come forward and be known.

DID is a disorder rooted in trauma, and usually only makes itself known after the system has moved away from the direct influence or vicinity of the family member, caregiver, or other person (or people) who make it unsafe for parts of the system to be known. They were birthed by severe trauma and have existed for strictly covert missions to protect the other parts. Walls of amnesia are typically built up around the fractured pieces of personalities (this is always done at a young age -- usually sometime before seven to nine years old -- before personalities integrate into one personality), and stay up and operational in order to keep awareness of the trauma from reaching certain parts. When there’s no longer present and persistent perceived danger, these alters are often left with not knowing what to do with themselves and questioning their own validity and justification for living in an environment where no one needs to be protected. They have been operating within the system for so long in their own way of doing so, and the reactions of parts and systems to no longer being actively life-saving vary widely. They will reach out knowingly or not, and sometimes a system will even break down. 

My story is not atypical. It is a classic story of a journey down Diagnosis Trail through the mental healthcare system. The average amount of time for people to get to a correct diagnosis of DID is seven years after initially becoming a patient  within the mental healthcare system. Finding professionals who are willing to diagnose and treat dissociative disorders is a challenge, because despite the presence of the diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5 and clear cut texts on the treatment of DID, there are many people out there who have so little experience and knowledge of our disorder that they don’t “believe” in it.

This was my diagnosis journey, made intelligible and digestible as I could manage. I know that I touched on several different stories, and I definitely had to skip over so many significant times that came up as I was writing. I mean, I summed up multiple years at a time with just a couple of sentences, some of the time without even one actual meaningful memory to go with them. That’s what this blog is going to be for, in part; though, most of the details of my life are going to be published in my Memoirs. Thank you for reading and feel free to email me with or comment below any questions, comments, or concerns. 

[erin-gilberts]

Bc It’s such a good post will you answer all the cafe asks?

Yessss totally! 

Vanilla Chai Latte : Are you in love?

Yes, wholeheartedly and unapologetically, I am. 

My girlfriend and I have only been together for two months, but it’s one of those things where when you know, you know. I’ve been in relationships lasting upwards of a year where I still didn’t know at the end of them whether or not I was in love. Early on in the year, I was actually even having conversations with my mom about how I wasn’t sure I’d ever been in love; I had no concept of what that felt like. I didn’t feel like I was feeling what I was supposed to be in relationships. I wondered if I was aromantic and if I wasn’t meant to experience romantic love.

With her, I’ve realized everything love IS supposed to feel like, and I’ve realized I AM capable of feeling those feelings - I just hadn’t met the right person yet. My heart was waiting for her. 

We daydream of the life we intend to build together, and it delights me to be able to wake up every day and choose her, again and again, as we run boldly and breathlessly into the future we now share. We totally u-hauled but we’re both so committed to blooming and becoming together; it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before despite having quite a bit of experience in relationships. 

Flat White : Coffee or Tea?

Coffee. It feels more substantial to me with more ways to customize it exactly how you like it. I also just have a lot of really positive memories being in coffee shops! I’m currently obsessing over Starbucks’s seasonal salted caramel mocha. 

Cappuccino : What’s your middle name?

Elizabeth! I was named after my mother and grandmother, so it’s the only part of my birth name I kept when I changed my name. 

Mocha : Dream Job?

A famous professional organizer on the same level as Marie Kondo and Dorothy Breininger! They’re my inspiration and the reason I went into this kind of work. Also, the executive director of my own LGBT-focused nonprofit (which I have been, and I intend to be again!). 

Pumpkin Spice : Dream car?

The super fancy bike I’ll use the day I ride in the AIDS LifeCycle? Haha, I don’t drive and I don’t intend to! 

Jasmine Tea : If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?

Ugh, if I could visit any place in the world right this moment, I’d choose to go back to Toronto in a heartbeat. I went there in 2015 for the Inside Out LGBT Film Festival and I LOVED that city. It was so fun and the people were so welcoming. Other than that? Moscow, because it’s where @googoogojob lives, or New York City, because I just learned Hook & Ladder 8 (the Ghostbusters firehouse) is a real place and I want to see it! 

Old English : You’re stranded on an island, who do you bring with you?

Do I have a limit?? If I have a choice, I’m definitely bringing my mom, brother, maternal grandparents, best friend, best friend’s family, cat, and girlfriend! That’s like the minimum amount of people in my life I couldn’t go without. 

Iced Chocolate : Do you have a crush on someone?

My girlfriend, who I continually redevelop a big gay crush on every day! But I feel like that’s not quite the spirit of what this question is asking, so - I also have a big gay crush on Kristen Wiig, which my girlfriend endlessly makes fun of me for! Like, to the point I named my cat Erin Gilbert. 

Caramel Frappe : Favorite video game?

It’s a tie between Minecraft and Undertale. I swing wildly between playing Minecraft daily to not playing for months, but it never gets old. The sandbox nature of the game enables infinite creativity, and the low stakes make it both accessible to me (not a gamer) and relaxing. And Undertale with its story and unique mechanics remains to this day the game to inspire the biggest emotional response in me. I’ve thought about having, “Despite everything, it’s still you” tattooed. 

Iced Lemon Tea : Favorite song/band?

My favorite songs of all time are “The Greatest” by Sia and “I Know a Place” by MUNA, both of which were written in the aftermath of the Pulse shooting and can be interpreted as the process of rediscovering queer joy at the same time your community is constantly faced with tragedy and pain. They hit hard in a beautiful way as a hate crime survivor. 

Iced Cafe Mocha : Favorite thing to do on rainy days?

I like to go out as soon as the storm passes and just walk downtown in the rain. The air always smells and feels so good; it clarifies me and I feel renewed. Walking in the light rain or before / after the storm always feels like breathing, really breathing, for the first time. It reminds me I exist and it reminds me that’s neat. 

Hot Chocolate : Are you an affectionate person?

Yessssss oh my god. I live and breathe being affectionate and not even in a strictly romantic sense. I’m naturally an exuberant person and I delight in making people happy. My girlfriend would also say I engage in “cat behavior” with my demands to be held or touching constantly. XD 

Caramel Macchiato : You’re travelling the entire world but you can only take one person with you. Who do you take?

My girlfriend @sweetmckinnon. Not only would we have the unprecedented opportunity to be gay in every country and continent, but we’re both writers, and we’d write an excellent book about these adventures! 

Green Tea : How tall are you?

5’7. 

Early Grey Tea : The inevitable Zombie Apocalypse is upon us! What’s your plan of action?

I’m rounding up everyone I care about and taking us to the nearest commune of marginalized people. We’ll be avoiding those uber-macho survivalist types like the plague, because their arrogance will 100% get everyone killed. At least marginalized communities would be more likely to understand working together and looking out for the community, not just yourself. 

Mint Tea : How do you relax?

Indoor cycling is my drug of choice. It’s HARD to be mad or stressed when you’re exerting that intensely. I might also write self-indulgent fanfics or indulge in a little controlled chaos (I’m an acrylic pour and collage artist). And talking to my girlfriend, best friend, or mom always makes me feel better, too. 

Vanilla Latte : Board games or drinking games?

I genuinely love board games and wish I had more people to play them with. 

Iced Coffee : Do you like reading? If so, what’s your favorite book?

I like reading, but having ADHD has made it extremely hard to read entire books in recent years. My favorite book is probably The Radium Girls by Kate Moore. The author takes what’s already a horrific story and a dark chapter in American history and with her devastating writing style, humanizes each woman involved to the point it makes you ache to read knowing the inevitability of their fate. Anytime anyone asks me for a book recommendation, this is the book I suggest. 

Italian Soda : Describe your dream date

My dream date would be after we’ve been together for a while - maybe on a date that’s special to us, like our anniversary, or maybe just on a random night because we feel like it, we have one of those super romantic dates like you see in the movies. We dress up super cute, go out to dinner and come home to a bedroom full of candles and rose petals on the floor, and every moment is spent just enjoying each other and what we have together in every way we can. <3 

Sparkling Water : Describe what qualities you look for in a person

Passion - I’m an activist who became the executive director of their own nonprofit at the age of 16. I’m not going to mesh with someone who’s just going through the motions of life without any aspirations. 

Flexibility - It’s a turnoff for me when someone is EXTREMELY committed to a very specific view of how their life is going to be. It tells me right away I’m going to have to continually contort myself to fit into their unbending path, because I accept I can’t predict the direction of my life with any degree of precision and I’m not rigid about it as a result. 

Creative - I’m currently dating another writer and it’s the most fun I’ve ever had in a relationship. The quickest way to get us to pop off into a spirited debate is to get us started about story structure and characterization. We. Go. OFF. And could go off for days. Our shared creative passion gives us endless ground to connect and bond on. 

Those are just a few, but definitely a few important ones for me! 

Orange Juice : Have you ever had a valentine?

My first girlfriend, who I dated from 12-17, is the only valentine I’ve ever had. The timing of my relationships as an adult has never worked out for me to be partnered on Valentine’s Day. We weren’t super out about our relationship at the time and didn’t spend Valentine’s Day together, but I still have the love letters she sent me copied into my 7th grade diary, and I still have the antique gold heart necklace with enamel roses she gave me one year, too! Lots of lovely memories from that relationship. 

Rose Hip Tea : Describe your first kiss

My first girlfriend and I were 12-13, cutting class in the bathroom because she was often bullied for her sexuality. She was having an especially rough day that day and I knew exactly where to find her. She kissed me out of the blue while I was comforting her and in all of my baby gay naivety, I hadn’t fully realized I was gay or that she liked me that way prior to that. Turns out I was and she did. We dated for five years. 

Herbal Tea : You’re at a candle shop, what scented candle do you buy?

Oh, I’m going right to the bakery scent section. I’m not a huge fan of chocolate-scented candles, but vanilla? Christmas cookies? Gingerbread? Sign me the FUCK up. 

Sandalwood is also one of my favorite scents, but depending on what it’s blended with, it can be hit or miss for me in candles. 

[suchagiantnerd]

48 Books, 1 Year

I was just two books shy of my annual goal of 50! You can blame the combination of my adorable newborn, who refused to nap anywhere except on me, and Hallmark Christmas movie season, during which I abandon books for chaste kisses between 30-somethings who behave like tweens at places called the Mistletoe Inn (which are really in Almonte, Ontario). 

Without further ado, as Zuma from Paw Patrol says, “Let’s dive in!”

1. Human Errors: A Panorama of Our Glitches, from Pointless Bones to Broken Genes / Nathan H. Lents

We have too many bones! We have to rely too much on our diet for survival! We suffer from too many cognitive biases! Reading about our design flaws was kind of interesting, but the best part of this book were the few pages toward the end about the possibility of alien life. Specifically this quote: "...some current estimates predict that the universe harbours around seventy-five million civilizations." WHAT?! This possibility more than anything else I've ever heard or read gives me a better idea of how infinite the universe really is.

2. The Fiery Cross / Diana Gabaldon

Compared to the first four books in the Outlander series, this fifth book is a real snooze. The characters are becoming more and more unlikeable. They're so self-centered and unaware of their privilege in the time and place they're living. Gabaldon's depictions of the Mohawk tribe and other First Nations characters (which I'm reading through her character's opinions of things) are pretty racist. The enslaved people at one character's plantation are also described as being well taken care of and I just.... can't. I think this is the end of my affair with Outlander.

3. Educated / Tara Westover

This memoir was a wild ride. Tara Westover grew up in a survivalist, ultra-religious family in rural Idaho. She didn’t go to school and was often mislead about the outside world by her father. She and her siblings were also routinely put in physical danger working in their father’s junkyard as their lives were “in god’s hands”, and when they were inevitably injured, they weren’t taken to the hospital or a doctor, but left to be treated by their healer mother. Thanks to her sheer intelligence and determination (and some support from her older brother), Tara goes to university and shares with us the culture shock of straddling two very different worlds. My non-fiction book club LOVED this read, we talked about it for a long, long time.

4. Imbolc: Rituals, Recipes and Lore for St. Brigid’s Day / Carl F. Neal

Continuing with my witchy education, I learned all about the first sabbat of the new year, Imbolc.

5. Super Sad True Love Story / Gary Shteyngart

This in-the-very-near-future dystopian novel got my heart racing during a few exciting moments, but overall, I couldn’t immerse myself fully because of the MISOGYNY. I think the author might not like women and the things women like (or the things he thinks they like?) In this near future, all the dudes are into finance or are media celeb wannabes, while all the women work in high-end retail. And onion-skin jeans are the new trend for women - they are essentially see-through. Gary….we don’t…want that? We don’t even want low-rise jeans to come back.

6. The Wanderers / Meg Howrey

Helen, Yoshi and Sergei are the three astronauts selected by a for-profit space exploration company to man the world’s first mission to Mars. But before they get the green light, they have to endure a 17-month simulation. In addition to getting insight into the simulation from all three astronauts via rotating narrators, we also hear from the astronauts’ family members and other employees monitoring the sim. At times tense, at times thoughtful, this book is an incisive read about what makes explorers willing to leave behind everything they love the most in the world.

7. Zone One / Colson Whitehead

The zombie apocalypse has already happened, and Mark is one of the survivors working to secure and clean up Zone One, an area of Manhattan. During his hours and hours of boring shifts populated by a few harrowing minutes here and there, the reader is privy to Mark’s memories of the apocalypse itself and how he eventually wound up on this work crew. Mark is a pretty likeable, yet average guy rather than the standard zombie genre heroes, and as a result, his experiences also feel like a more plausible reality than those of the genre.

8. Homegoing / Yaa Gyasi

One of my favourite reads of the year, this novel is the definition of “sweeping epic”. The story starts off with two half-sisters (who don’t even know about each other’s existence) living in 18th-century Ghana. One sister marries a white man and stays in Ghana, living a life of privilege, while the other is sold into slavery and taken to America on a slave ship. This gigantic split in the family tree kicks off two parallel and vastly different narratives spanning EIGHT generations, ending with two 20-somethings in the present day. I remain in awe of Gyasi’s talent, and was enthralled throughout the entire book.

9. Sweetbitter / Stephanie Danler

Tess moves to New York City right out of school (and seemingly has no ties to her previous life - this bothered me, I wanted to know more about her past) and immediately lands a job at a beloved (though a little tired) fancy restaurant. Seemingly loosely based on Danler’s own experiences as a server, I got a real feel for the insular, incestuous, chaotic life in “the industry”. Tess navigates tensions between the kitchen and the front of house, falls for the resident bad-boy bartender, and positions herself as the mentee of the older and more glamorous head server, who may not be everything she seems. This is a juicy coming-of-age novel.

10. The Autobiography of Gucci Mane / Gucci Mane and Neil Martinez-Belkin

Gucci Mane is one of Atlanta’s hottest musicians, having helped bring trap music to the mainstream. I’d never heard of him until I read this book because I’m white and old! But not knowing him didn’t make this read any less interesting. In between wild facts (if you don’t get your music into the Atlanta strip clubs, your music isn’t making it out of Atlanta) and wilder escapades (Gucci holing himself up in his studio, armed to the teeth, in a fit of paranoia one night) Gucci Mane paints on honest picture of a determined, talented artist fighting to break free of a cycle of systemic racism and poverty.

11. I’ll Be Gone in the Dark: One Woman’s Obsessive Search for the Golden State Killer / Michelle McNamara

McNamara was a journalist and true crime enthusiast who took it upon herself to try and solve the mystery of the Golden State Killer’s identity. Amazingly, her interest in this case also sparked other people’s interest in looking back at it, eventually leading to the arrest of the killer (though tragically, McNamara died a few months before the arrest and would never know how her obsession helped to capture him). This is a modern true crime classic and a riveting read.

12. A Great Reckoning / Louise Penny

The 12th novel in Penny’s Inspector Gamache mystery series sees our hero starting a new job teaching cadets at Quebec’s police academy. Of course, someone is murdered, and Gamache and his team work to dig the rot out of the institution, uncovering a killer in the process.

13. Any Man / Amber Tamblyn

Yes, this novel is by THAT Amber Tamblyn, star of “The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants”! Anyway, this book is a tad bit darker, and follows five men who’ve been victimized by the female serial rapist, who calls herself Maude. Going into this read I though that it might be some sort of revenge fantasy, but dudes, not to worry - we really feel awful for the male victims and see them in all their complexity. Perhaps, if more men read this book, they might better understand the trauma female and non-binary victims go through? That would require men to read books by women though. Guys? GUYS???

14. Ostara: Rituals, Recipes and Lore for the Spring Equinox / Kerri Connor

Yet another witchy read providing more information about this Spring sabbat. 

15. Scarborough / Catherine Hernandez

This novel takes place in OUR Scarborough! Following the lives of a number of residents (adults and children alike), the plot centres around the families attending an Ontario Early Years program as well as the program facilitator. Hernandez looks at the ways poverty, mental illness, addiction, race, and homophobia intersect within this very multicultural neighbourhood. It’s very sad, but there are also many sweet and caring moments between the children and within each of the families.

16. The Glitch / Elisabeth Cohen

Shelley Stone (kind of a fictional Sheryl Sandberg type) is the CEO of Conch, a successful Silicon Valley company. Like many of these over-the-top real-life tech execs, Shelley has a wild schedule full of business meetings, exercise, networking and parenting, leaving her almost no time to rest. While on an overseas business trip, she meets a younger woman also named Shelley Stone, who may or may not be her younger self. Is Shelley losing it? This is a dark comedy poking fun at tech start-up culture and the lie that we can have it all.

17. The Thirteenth Tale / Diane Setterfield

This is my kind of book! A young and inexperienced bookworm is handpicked to write the biography of an aging famous author, Vida Wynter. Summoned to her sprawling country home around Christmastime, the biographer is absolutely enthralled by Vida’s tales of a crumbling gothic estate and an eccentric family left too long to their own whims. Looking for a dark, twisty fairytale? This read’s for you.

18. Love & Misadventure / Lang Leav

Leav’s book of poems looked appealing, but for me, her collection fell short. I felt like I was reading a teenager’s poetry notebook (which I’m not criticizing, I love that teen girls write poetry, and surprise, surprise - so did I - but I’m too old for this kind of writing now).

19. Erotic Stories for Punjabi Widows / Balli Kaur Jaswal

Hooo boy, my book club loved this one! Hoping to get a job more aligned with her literary interests, Nikki, the 20-something daughter of Indian immigrants to Britain, takes a job teaching writing at the community centre in London’s biggest Punjabi neighbourhood. The students are all older Punjabi women who don’t have much to do and because of their “widow” status have been somewhat sidelined within their community. Without anyone around to censor or judge them, the widows start sharing their own erotic fantasies with each other, each tale wilder than the last. As Nikki gets to know them better, she gains some direction in life and starts a romance of her own. (It should be noted that in addition to this lovely plot, there is a sub plot revolving around a possible honour killing in the community. For me, the juxtaposition of these two plots was odd, but not odd enough that it ruined the book.)

20. Beltane: Rituals, Recipes and Lore for May Day / Melanie Marquis

Beltane marks the start of the summer season in the witches’ year, and I learned all about how to ring it in, WITCH STYLE.

21. Summer of Salt / Katrina Leno

This book is essentially Practical Magic for teens, with a queer protagonist. All that to say, it’s enjoyable and sweet and a win for #RepresentationMatters, but it wasn’t a surprising or fresh story.

22. Too Like the Lightning / Ada Palmer

This is the first in the Terra Ignota quartet of novels, which is (I think) speculative fiction with maybe a touch of fantasy and a touch of sci-fi and a touch of theology and certainly a lot of philosophical ruminating too. I both really enjoyed it and felt so stupid while reading it. As a lifelong bookworm who doesn’t shy away from difficult reads, I almost never feel stupid while reading, but this book got me. The world building is next level and as soon as you think you’ve found your footing, Palmer pulls the rug out from under you and you’re left both stunned and excited about her latest plot twist. Interested in finding out what a future society grouped into ‘nations’ by interests and passions (instead of geographical borders and ethnicity) might be like? Palmer takes a hearty stab at it here.

23. The Trauma Cleaner: One Woman’s Extraordinary Life in the Business of Death, Decay and Disaster / Sarah Krasnostein

When Sarah Krasnostein met Sandra Pankhurst, she knew she had to write her biography (or something like it - this book is part biography, part love letter, part reckoning). And rightly so, as Sandra has led quite a life. She grew up ostracized within her own home by her immediate family, married and had children very young, came out as a trans woman and begin living as her authentic self (but abandoning her own young family in the process), took to sex work and lived through a vicious assault, married again, and started up her own successful company cleaning uncleanable spaces - the apartments of hoarders, the houses of recluses, the condos in which people ended their own lives. Sandra is the definition of resilience, but all her traumas (both the things people have done to her and the things she’s done to others) have left their mark, as Krasnostein discovers as she delicately probes the recesses of Sandra’s brain.

24. Becoming / Michelle Obama

My favourite things about any memoir from an ultra-famous person are the random facts that surprise you along the way. In this book, it was learning that all American presidents travel with a supply of their blood type in the event of an assassination attempt. I mean OF COURSE they would, but that had never occurred to me. I also appreciated Michelle opening up about her fertility struggles, the difficult decision to put her career on hold to support Barack’s dreams, and the challenge of living in the spotlight with two young children that you hope to keep down to earth. Overall, I think Michelle was as candid as someone in her position can be at this point in her life.

25 and 26. Seven Surrenders, The Will to Battle / Ada Palmer

I decided to challenge myself and stick with Palmer’s challenging Terra Ignota series, also reading the second and third instalments (I think the fourth is due to be released this year). I don’t know what to say, other than the world-building continues to be incredible and this futuristic society is on the bring of something entirely new.

27. Even Vampires Get the Blues / Kate MacAlister

This novel wins for “cheesiest read of the year”. When a gorgeous half-elf detective (you read that right) meets a centuries-old sexy Scottish vampire, sparks fly! Oh yeah, and they’re looking for some ancient thing in between having sex.

28. A Case of Exploding Mangoes / Mohammed Hanif

A piece of historical fiction based on the real-life suspicious plane crash in 1988 that killed many of Pakistan’s top military brass, this novel lays out many possible culprits (including a crow that ate too many mangoes). It’s a dark comedy taking aim at the paranoia of dictators and the boredom and bureaucracy of the military (and Bin Laden makes a cameo at a party).

29. Salvage the Bones / Jesmyn Ward

This novel takes place in the steaming hot days before Hurricane Katrina hits the Mississippi coast. The air is still and stifling and Esch’s life in the small town of Bois Sauvage feels even more stifled. Esch is 14 and pregnant and hasn’t told anyone yet. Her father is a heavy drinker and her three brothers are busy with their own problems. But as the storm approaches, the family circles around each other in preparation for the storm. This is a jarring and moving read made more visceral by the fact that the author herself survived Katrina. It’s also an occasionally violent book, and there are particularly long passages about dog-fighting (a hobby of one of the brothers). The dog lovers in my book club found it hard to get through, consider this your warning!

30. Everything’s Trash, But It’s Okay / Phoebe Robinson

A collection of essays in the new style aka writing multiple pages on a topic as though you were texting your best friend about it (#ImFineWithThisNewStyleByTheWay #Accessible), Robinson discusses love, friendship, being a Black woman in Hollywood, being plus-ish-size in Hollywood, and Julia Roberts teaching her how to swim (and guys, Julia IS as nice in real life as we’d all hoped she was!) Who is Robinson? Comedy fans will likely know her already, but I only knew her as one of the stars of the Netflix film Ibiza (which I enjoyed). This is a fun, easy read!

31. Midsummer: Rituals, Recipes and Lore for Litha / Deborah Blake

After reading this book, I charged my crystals under the midsummer sun!

32. Fingersmith / Sarah Waters

So many twists! So many turns! So many hidden motives and long-held secrets! Think Oliver Twist meets Parasite meets Lost! (Full disclosure, I haven’t seen Parasite yet, I’m just going off all the chatter about it). Sue is a con artist orphan in old-timey London. When the mysterious “Gentleman” arrives at her makeshift family’s flat with a proposal for the con of all cons, Sue is quickly thrust into a role as the servant for another young woman, Maud, living alone with her eccentric uncle in a country estate. As Sue settles into her act, the lines between what she’s pretending at and what she’s really feeling start to blur, and nothing is quite what it seems. This book is JUICY!

33. Rest Play Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (Or Anyone Who Acts Like One) / Deborah MacNamara, PhD

I read approximately one parenting book a year, and this was this year’s winner. As my eldest approached her third birthday, we started seeing bigger and bigger emotions and I wasn’t sure how to handle them respectfully and gently. This book gave me a general roadmap for acknowledging her feelings, sitting through them with her, and the concept of “collecting” your child to prevent tantrums from happening or to help calm them down afterward. I’ll be using this approach for the next few years!

34. Lughnasadh: Rituals, Recipes and Lore for Lammas / Melanie Marquis

And with this read, I’ve now read about the entire witch’s year. SO MOTE IT BE.

35. In Cold Blood / Truman Capote

How had I not read this until now? This true-crime account that kicked off the modern genre was rich in detail, compassionate to the victims, and dug deep into the psyche of the killers. The descriptions of the midwest countryside and the changing seasons also reminded me of Keith Morrison’s voiceovers on Dateline. Is Capote his inspiration?

36. I’m Afraid of Men / Vivek Shraya

A quick, short set of musings from trans musician and writer Shraya still packs an emotional punch. She writes about love and loss, toxic masculinity, breaking free of gender norms, and what it’s like to exist as a trans woman.

37. The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You / Elaine N. Aron, PhD

Having long thought I might be a highly sensitive person (lots of us are!), I decided to learn more about how to better cope with stressful situations when I don’t have enough alone time or when things are too loud or when I get rattled by having too much to do any of the other myriad things that shift me into panic mode. Though some of the advice is a bit too new-agey for me (talking to your inner child, etc), some of it was practical and useful.

38. Swamplandia! / Karen Russell

The family-run alligator wrestling theme park, Swamplandia, is swimming in debt and about to close. The widowed father leaves the everglades for the mainland in a last-ditch attempt to drum up some money, leaving the three children to fend for themselves. A dark coming-of-age tale that blends magic realism, a ghost story, the absurd and a dangerous boat trip to the centre of the swamplands, this novel examines a fractured family mourning its matriarch in different ways.

39. A Mind Spread Out on the Ground / Alicia Elliott

This is a beautiful collection of personal essays brimming with vulnerability, passion, and fury. Elliott, the daughter of a Haudenosaunee father and a white mother, shares her experiences growing up poor in a family struggling with mental illness, addiction and racism. Topics touch on food scarcity, a never-ending battle with lice, parenthood and the importance of hearing from traditionally marginalized voices in literature. 

40. Those Who Leave and Those Who Stay / Elena Ferrante

The third novel in Ferrante’s Neapolitan quartet sees Elena and Lila move from their early twenties into their thirties and deal with a riot of issues - growing careers, changing political beliefs, the challenges of motherhood and romantic relationships, and existing as strong-willed, intelligent women in 1960s and 70s Italy. I’ll definitely finish the series soon.

41. Half-Blood Blues / Esi Edugyan

A small group of American and German jazz musicians working on a record find themselves holed up in Paris as the Germans begin their occupation in WW2. Hiero, the youngest and most talented member of the group, goes out one morning for milk and is arrested by the Germans, never to be heard from again. Fifty years later, the surviving members of the band go to Berlin for the opening night of a documentary about the jazz scene from that era, and soon find themselves on a road trip through the European countryside to find out what really became of Hiero all those years ago. Edugyan’s novel is a piercing examination of jealousy, ambition, friendship, race and guilt. And features a cameo by Louis Armstrong!

42. A Serial Killer’s Daughter: My Story of Faith, Love and Overcoming / Kerri Rawson

So Brad and I had just finished watching season 2 of Mindhunter, and as I browse through a neighbourhood little library, I spot this book and the serial killer in question is the BTK Killer! Naturally, I had to read it. What I didn’t realize is that this is actually a Christian book, so Rawson does write a lot about struggling with her belief in God and finding her way back to Him, etc. But there are also chapters more fitting with the true crime and memoir genres that I equally enjoyed and was creeped out by.

43. The Night Ocean / Paul La Farge

This is another book that made me feel somewhat stupid as a reader. I just know there are details or tidbits that completely went over my head that would likely enrich a better reader’s experience. In broad strokes, the novel is about a failed marriage between a psychiatrist and a writer who became dangerously obsessed with H.P. Lovecraft and the rumours that swirled around him and his social circle. The writer’s obsession takes him away from his marriage and everything else, and eventually it looks like he ends his own life. The psychiatrist is doubtful (no body was found) and she starts to follow him down the same rabbit hole. At times tense, at times funny, at times sad, I enjoyed the supposed world of Lovecraft and his fans and peers, but again, I’m sure there are deeper musings here that I couldn’t reach.

44. Glass Houses / Louise Penny

The 13th novel in Penny’s Inspector Gamache mystery series sees our hero taking big risks to fight the opioid crisis in Quebec. He and his team focus on catching the big crime boss smuggling drugs across the border from Vermont, endangering his beloved town of Three Pines in the process. 

45. The Bone Houses / Emily Lloyd-Jones

My Halloween read for the year, this dark fairytale of a YA novel was perfect for the season. Since her parents died, Ryn has taken over the family business - grave digging - to support herself and her siblings. As the gravedigger, she knows better than most that due to an old curse, the dead in the forest surrounding her village don’t always stay dead. But as more of the forest dead start appearing (and acting more violently than usual), Ryn and an unexpected companion (yes, a charming young man cause there’s got to be a romance!) travel to the heart of the forest to put a stop to the curse once and for all.

46. The Witches Are Coming / Lindy West

Another blazing hot set of essays from my favourite funny feminist take on Trump, abortion rights, #MeToo, and more importantly Adam Sandler and Dateline. As always, Lindy, please be my best friend?

47. Know My Name / Chanel Miller

This memoir is HEAVY but so, so needed. Recently, Chanel Miller decided to come forward publicly and share that she was the victim of Brock Turner’s sexual assault. She got the courage to do so after she posted her blistering and beautiful victim impact statement on social media and it went viral. Miller’s memoir is a must-read, highlighting the incredible and awful lengths victims have to go to to see any modicum of justice brought against their attackers. Miller dealt with professional ineptitude from police and legal professionals, victim-blaming, victim-shaming, depression and anxiety, the inability to hold down a job, and still managed to come out the other side of this trial intact. And in the midst of all the horror, she writes beautifully about her support system - her family, boyfriend and friends - and about the millions of strangers around the world who saw themselves in her experience.

48. Christmas Ghost Stories: A Collection of Winter Tales / Mark Onspaugh

Ghosts AND Christmas? Yes please! This quirky collection features a wide array of festively spooky tales. You want the ghost of Anne Boleyn trapped in a Christmas ornament? You got it! What about the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future drinking together in a bar? Yup, that’s here too! 

__

So, what were my top picks of the year, the books that stuck with me the most? In no particular order:

Educated

Homegoing

The Wanderers

Know My Name

Scarborough

[finalhourdotcom]

judgement day in religion vs science by Reema Alaydi

Judgement day exists is in all religions and based on each one, Qiyamah will happen in one way or another. In Christianity, Islam, Hinduism and Buddhism etc.. judgment day is proven to be a fate for all humans and a final end to their current lifetime. According to the Islamic culture, judgement day is a final assessment of humanity. The sequence of events (based on the most commonly held belief) is the annihilation of all creatures, resurrection of the body, and the judgement of all sentient creatures. It is a time where everyone would be shown his or her deeds and actions with justice. According to history.com editors, it was stated that “since the beginning of recorded time, people have been thinking about the end of the world. As such, the planet’s major religions have formulated elaborate viewpoints on this topic. In Christianity, the Bible’s Book of Revelation details Armageddon, the final battle on Earth between the forces of God and Satan. Hinduism offers a version in which Vishnu returns to battle evil as a figure on a white horse. The doomsday beliefs of some ancient religions can still be felt in modern secular society, as was the case with the conclusion of the Mayan calendar cycle that predicted the end of the world in 2012”. (history.com editors, 2018). Last judgement is also known as a “general, or sometimes individual, judging of the thoughts, words, and deeds of persons by god, the gods, by the laws of cause and effect. (editors of Encylopaedia Britannica, 2018) Furthermore, the belief in Judgement Day is considered a fundamental tenet of faith by all Muslims. It is one of the six articles of faith. The trials and tribulations associated with it are detailed in both the Quran and the Hadith, sayings of Profit Muhammad. In the Quran there is many given signs of the coming of the judgement day but its exact timing is known only to God. Here is a description of the Day of Judgment taken from Surah al Qariah, the 101st Chapter of the Holly Quran. “The Great Calamity; What a Great

Calamity! And what should make thee know what the Great Calamity is? The day when men will be like scattered moths; And mountains will be like carded wool; Then as for him whose scales are heavy, He will have a pleasant life. But as for him whose scales are light, He will have hell as his resort. (101:2-10) From that we have came clear that judgement day is an absolute faith for all muslims based on Islam itself. however, and as it was mentioned before, judgement day exists in all religions. In another example, some Christian denominations consider the Second Coming of Christ to be the final and infinite judgment by God of the people in every nation, resulting in the approval of some and the penalising of others. Meaning that it’s found in all the Canonical gospels, particularly the Gospel of Matthew. Christian Futurists believe it will take place after the Resurrection of the Dead and the Second Coming of Christ while Full Preterists believe it has already occurred. The Last Judgment has inspired numerous artistic depictions. According to the Josh Daffern. Some of the signs for the judgment day had already happened. such as, the rising persecution of christians, Christians will be hated by all the nations, and that is by stating that Christians will be hated by hated by everyone because of Jesus. Another sign is many will turn from the faith, the love of most will grow cold and lastly, the gospel will be preached in all nations. (Josh Dafferen, 2018) Basically, the signs that were stated above are what shows to believers that the world will come to an end, the Arthur himself believes that it’s even a lot closer than we might think. "Just because 2000 years have passed since Jesus’ prophecy, do not allow that to lull us into a false sense of complacency. Jesus told us that although his coming would be like a thief in the night (Matthew 24:43), there are several signs to look for. These signs are being fulfilled before our eyes. The end of the world is a lot closer than we think” (Josh Daffern, 2018).

moreover, there are specific signs for each time, wether it is past, present or future. The signs that already had happened in the past are Splitting of the Moon, Death of the Prophet Muhammad, A form of death which will kill thousands of Muslims. A major fighting in Madinah (understood to refer to the battle of al-Harrah during the caliphate of Yazid, 63 AH). The Muslim conquest of Jerusalem. A war between the Muslims and a reddish people with small eyes, wearing sandals made of hair (understood to refer to the Mongol Tatar invasion of the Islamic lands.) and, A peace agreement between the Muslims and non-Muslims from the yellow race (Chinese, Mongols, etc.) Some of the Present signs in Islam are the naked, destitute, barefoot shepherds will compete in building tall buildings, Illegal sexual intercourse will become widespread, Earthquakes will increase, Time will pass more quickly. A man will pass by the grave of another and wish he was in the latter’s place, People will gather for prayer, but will be unable to find an imam to lead them. And lastly, the signs for the Future, such as the number of men will decrease, whilst the number of women will increase, until for every man there are 50 women. The Euphrates will reveal a treasure of gold, and many will die fighting over it, each one hoping to be the one who gains the treasure. Now, writing from a scientific point of view, judgement day does not exist. Based on the fact that religions are for the believers only, along with the existence of god. There is no scientific evidence that god exists in the first place. And science only takes testable evidence. According to Mohammad Khan, The signs for the last judgement are only for those who believe in their own religion. The believers. We live in a world that demands proof and is not just content with belief. The belief or even the proof is only for the believer, as belief comes from within our hearts, the greatest of proofs will not satisfy the non-

believer, while the slightest evidence can be a great reassurance or comfort for the believer. (Mohammad Khan, 2019). During the Modern Age, the system of religious beliefs continued to exert a powerful influence on the vision of the world and the interpretation of nature, even if two worlds, that of faith and that of science, were slowly separated, which could not be done without great difficulty. In addition, it produced such profound fissures in the consciences of many scientists that insurmountable obstacles appeared obstructing the integration of observation data into the accepted system of beliefs. According to religions, the Earth had been created by God and would be destroyed before the Final Judgement. Time was lineal and progressive since the creation until the coming of Christ to redeem mankind. However, nature was essentially static and unchanging, as instructed in the Bible. During the Modern Age all this began to be questioned upon discovering that the Earth had a history-not only that which was narrated in the Scriptures, but also the one revealed in the traces of fossils and the disposition of stratum. But between one history and the other, that of the Biblical tale and that of natural history, no disagreement could exist. Because of this, the essential effort of many scientists during that period was directed at interpreting the Scriptures rationally, in a manner that would make it possible to integrate the conclusions obtained, beginning with the observation of nature. Not all the scientists, however, saw the necessity of this rationalization. For some it seemed extremely dangerous to adhere to an allegorical interpretation of the Biblical tale, also because it might presuppose a threat to the science as independent from the scope of faith.

The modern world is based on truthful pursuit of science. And it is not possible for humans to know if there is a judgement day when there is no testable evidence for science to prove it. In other words, it is just a theory that needs a proof to be a fact or true. now, at the every end of this essay, the judgement day cant be proved to be a fact unless there is a proof, according to science. Based on this argument, since judgement day “exists” in all religions. Meaning that it was said by a god. And that the existence of a god is a reality of all creatures and it will be proven in judgement day. however, there’s no prove of judgement day itself, as it was already mentioned. Now, about the existence of god, it was said that god knows all truths and accepts nothing false as true. But could an all-good God know what it is like to sin? Yes, for God knows all truths; but he doesn’t know all truths directly from personal experience. God knows what it is like to sin by knowing what it is like for us to sin. Now, if God exists and is all-knowing—if he knows everything every person will ever do—what does that mean for our free will? Is such causal liberty an illusion? Not at all. I can know my influenza-stricken, gagging child is about to vomit without causing her to vomit. Foreknowledge does not equal causality. This brings humans to the claim of God’s omnipotence. Is there any philosophical contradiction that can be drawn out of God’s infinite power? As we have noted, God cannot sin because he is morally perfect, the perfect standard of what it means to be good. Thus God has the power to do all logically possible things—that is, he has the power to do all meaningful things. That is why he cannot create a four-sided triangle (which is really nothing at all). Nor can God create a rock that is too heavy for his all-powerful self to lift. Such a notion is meaningless, because it fails to acknowledge how God really is. A bachelor cannot forget his wife’s birthday because he is a bachelor; God cannot be overpowered by any creature because he is omnipotent. Finally, if there is no proof of the existence of a god, then there is no proof of what is after, or under, the judgement day.

References: Isaac Hasson, Last Judgment, Encyclopaedia of the Qur’an https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Encyclopaedia_of_the_Qurʾān https://www.wordonfire.org/resources/blog/how-to-prove-that-god-doesnt-exist/5216/ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Last_Judgment

[chipsandwaffles]

It’s a Date

Anon asked: could you do a haechan we got married scenario pls :) similar to the Mark one but you can change the theme if you want

yO I LOVE. MY KIDDO. so much that this turned out longer than i anticipated but whaTever. i also still know next to nothing about wgm so. here you go i hope you enjoy.^^

The dream that you had so lovingly been having about eating an infinite amount of food was being taken away from you as you were shook awake by someone. You slap their hands away and groan, wanting to go back to sleep. It was sleep time, dreaming of food time, ignoring whoever was trying to wake you up time.

“Ugh, why are you such a heavy sleeper?” The person keeps shaking you awake, and you whine at them, rolling over to give them your best glare you can manage in your half-asleep state.

“Go awaaaay,” you tell them.

“I caaaaaan’t. We have to get going- didn’t you set an alarm? I told you to set an alarm.” The person keeps shaking you awake, and eventually, you have to give into their wishes. You slap their hands away once more, finally sitting up and throwing your blankets off of you.

At least whoever it was had the decency to keep the lights off while they woke you up.

“Y/N, come on. Get ready. I’ll pack your bag, okay?” You sit on your bed for a moment as you listen to the person rummage around your room. It takes a long second for you to realize who exactly is in your room.

Your husband, Lee Donghyuck, Haechan, member of NCT was in your room, waking you up and you had to search your brain to remember why he was here. It takes you another long second to rack your brain for the answers. 

Today you had to film for a We Got Married episode, one that included all the members of NCT Dream and a surprise party for their one year anniversary as a unit. Your mission was preparing the party, preparing the food, preparing the cake that was supposed to feed all their mouths, all within seven hours. Which, really didn’t seem that hard when you were given the mission, but now that you’re sitting in bed, not wanting to get up and thinking about all the things you had to do, you knew it was going to be difficult.

“If you don’t get up I’m just going to let the production crew film you in your pajamas. Do you want that? Your hair is probably a mess and it’ll go on live television-

“I’m getting up, you brat.”

“We’re the same age brat.”

You ignore Haechan as you finally stand up off your bed, heading for the clothes you had laid out for yourself last night. You pick them up and drag yourself to the bathroom, locking the door and turning on the shower. Even if you only had so many hours to prepare for the party, you could spend some time making yourself presentable for television that didn’t include pajamas and hair that definitely was a mess.

Ten minutes later, you’re dressed and your hair is tied into a neat bun; out of the way and still cute. You head back into your bedroom where Haechan was sitting on your bed, nice enough to make it for you. What a sweet husband.

“’sup.”

“I packed your bag already, so hurry and get your shoes on, okay? The production team is waiting outside and I don’t want to fail the mission today. We failed last time and I’m sure the punishment this time will be…” Haechan’s words trail off and you know he’s remembering what exactly had happened last time you had failed your mission.

Which, wasn’t that bad for you, so you’re not sure what his problem is, but whatever It was Haechan; he was always extra.

“It wasn’t even that bad,” you tell him. You slip on your socks and head out into the living room area where two of your dorm mates are sitting on the couch. Haechan follows after you, carrying your bag and holding it as you slip on your shoes.

“Not that bad? We had to hold hands for eight hours. Your hands got sweaty,” he says.

“My hands got sweaty? Your hands got sweaty! You kept wiping them on your pants and my sweater!”

“…It’s called a sweater for a reason.” You roll your eyes at Haechan and grab your bag from him, opening the door and heading downstairs after saying goodbye to your dorm mates. He follows you quickly, and you’re met with the production crew.

They give you your mission in the car, giving you money to spend on the groceries and letting you know you have seven hours to get everything ready for the party. It would be easy. You and Haechan could split up, him going to get the groceries while you got all the party favors. Then while you decorated, he’d cook, and then you’d work on the cake together. It’d go great.

“There’s one last thing…” The director says. You and Haechan share a look. That was never a good sign. “No splitting up. You have to be next to each other the entire day.”

Well, there goes that great plan.

-

Things don’t go good while shopping. You drag Haechan to go get the decorations first because it’ll take more time to get the food, and he has to question everything you pick out. It becomes irritating, and at some point you tell him to shut up because he could be picky about the food later.

He gets offended and ends up trying to wander off, and the production crew started a timer. You figured out that if you were away from each other longer than two minutes, then you failed the mission.

So, you had to find Haechan as quick as possible, and when you did you apologized, telling him that you’d be absolutely quiet when he was picking out the food.

You finish the decoration shopping in twenty-five minutes with no more fuss, and then move onto food, where Haechan immediately gets irritated that you won’t help him out. You have to remind him that you said you wouldn’t talk as to not disturb his cooking mastery, and he ends up telling you that that had been a stupid idea and you needed to help him.

But every time you give an opinion, he just shoots you down. So you shut up, he gets irritated, you help, he shoots you down, and the cycle continues until you’re finally in the check-out. You thank whatever reality show gods that are watching down on you that that torture was finally over.

Almost two hours later you’re at the party location, and you begin the cooking, considering it’ll take far longer than putting up the decorations.

The thing is though, Haechan knows you can’t cook for shit. He knows you’re about as worthless in the kitchen as Mark Lee is, but you have to be practically at his hip. You had tried to sit down, and the production crew had started the two minute timer, making you get up quickly and hover over Haechan for the rest of the period as he cooked.

It was a little fun, at least. Haechan made weird shapes with the meat he was cooking, and would often tell you, while pointing at the meat “look it’s Mark”. You laughed every time, and eventually, after some yelling about “doing something and not being useless”, you get through the cooking.

You store everything with Haehcan until it’s time to eat and move onto decorating.

Everything actually goes fine. You blow up balloons together, laughing when you suck in the helium yourself. Haechan sings a Michael Jackson song when his voice is high, and you almost forget that you’re being filmed. It feels like you’re just hanging out, preparing a party for your friends with your boyfriend.

It’s not until you’re done with hanging all the rest of the decorations and in the process of putting up the big banner, when you’re too far away from each other, that they start the two minute timer and do you remember you’re not actually together. It’s just a reality show.

“Haechan, hang it up faster!”

“You hang up your side faster!”

“Mine is already hung up!” You tell Haechan. He looks over at you, seeing you standing on your side just holding up your part of the banner, and he frowns at you.

“You cheated!”

“Cheated- Haechan, oh my god. You have like forty seconds hang up your side!” Haechan shakes his head.

“Admit you cheated.”

“It wasn’t a competition oh my god-

“Guess we’re going to lose the mission because of you.” You laugh at dumb husband, because this was just absolutely ridiculous.

“I’m going to kiss your face if you don’t hang this up properly.”

“Ew, gross- fine!” Haechan quickly manages to hang up his side and rushes over to you, just as the timer goes off. You breathe a sigh of relief but you’re still irritated that Haechan had made such a fuss. You’re kind of also irritated that he said kissing you would be gross, so, as revenge you punch him in the arm.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“For almost costing us the mission,” you say.

Haechan mumbles something about it being ”good reality television” but you ignore him as you head into the kitchen. The cameras stop rolling as makeup artists follow after you, fixing any blemishes you and Haechan might have while Haechan glares at you from across the room. He could glare all he wanted; he totally deserved that punch.

When the makeup artists are done and you and Haechan have a short snack, you get back to filming the rest of the episode. All you have left is the cake, and then you’re done. Hopefully, it’s within enough time.

If not, well, you’re not exactly sure what your punishment was.

Hopefully not kissing, since Haechan thought it was “gross”. Not that you’d mind though. You thought kissing your crush would be nice. Even if it was on television, it’d still be better than him telling you it’d be gross.

“Y/N, are you going to keep piping the icing like you’re sleeping or what? We don’t have much time left. Pay attention.” Haechan snaps your fingers in your face and you slap his hand away, continuing on with the piping.

“You pay attention…” You mumble back to him. You really needed to stop expecting anything to come from this reality marriage you and Haechan had. Nothing more was going to come out of it. You knew that.

Suddenly, icing is being wiped on your nose and you flinch back to see the culprit. Haechan is grinning at you, giggles coming out of his mouth as he stares at you. You glare at him and squeeze some of the icing on your own fingers, quickly running it across his cheek.

“Y/N!”

“You did it first!”

This starts a war between you two, seeing who can get the most icing on each other’s faces, eventually turning into a laughing fit, and then Haechan piping icing onto your face in weird, intricate patterns as you lay on the counter next to the cake.

“We should probably keep decorating the cake,” you say. You can feel him swirling out letters on your forehead, and you hope he doesn’t get any into your hair.

“Nah, this is way more fun. I’m going to make you look so… pretty…” Haechan finishes off the letters on your forehead, and moves down your nose. “Not that you need it.”

“Huh?” Did you hear right? Did Haechan just… sort of call you pretty?

“…I didn’t say anything,” Haechan says. He moves away from you and begins piping icing back on the cake again. You totally heard right. Haechan just called you pretty.

“You think I’m pretty?” You ask. Haechan is looking down at the cake, but you can see a faint blush dusting his cheeks. You can’t help the smile that spreads across your face, because your crush just called you pretty, and you’re almost positive it wasn’t because there’s cameras rolling and he should say you’re pretty as your husband.

He actually thought you were pretty.

“Hey, Haechan, come here.” Haechan looks at you and moves back over to you, and you take your icing tube and squeeze some of the icing right on Haechan’s nose, grinning up at him.

“I think you’re pretty too.”

Haechan and you stare at each other for a moment before he’s leaning down and pressing a quick kiss to your lips. You squeak in surprise and sit up, forgetting he’s above you until you practically headbutt him. He steps back, groaning in pain, and you do the same, holding your head where you hit him and covering your hands in the icing that had been spread on your face.

“Why did you do that?” Haechan whines at you.

“You surprised me!”

“Ugh, next time I won’t brat.”

“You shouldn’t surprise me then brat!” You yell back at him. You look at the production crew, silently waiting for them to do something other than look at you with smiles on their faces. They stop the cameras from rolling and tell you and Haechan that you can take another break, and you rush to the bathroom to get all the icing off your face.

A minute later, Haechan joins you in the bathroom and pokes at your side when you’re splashing water in your face.

“Ugh, what?” You look at him with a frown. He looks almost shy as he leans against the sink, and his face is clean from the icing you had put on him earlier.

“…sorry for suddenly kissing you,” he mumbles out. You wipe your face off with a towel, waiting for him to continue. You knew he still had more to say. “You just- you looked really cute all day and then you said I was pretty I couldn’t hold back-

“What? Did you want to kiss me before?” You ask. You wanted nothing more than for him to say yes. Haechan looks down, then up at you, then back down again, a small smile on his face.

“…maybe a little.”

You smile at Haechan and poke his side. “Only a little?”

“Stop teasing me it’s embarrassing,” Haechan says, poking you back. You cock your eyebrow. Embarrassing? Why did he think it was embarrassing wanting to kiss you? You were married. It was probably bound to happen anyways.

“Embarrassing?”

“…because you… don’t you like someone else? It’s weird and embarrassing that I kissed you when you don’t want to kiss me back.”

“...Haechan aren’t I married to you…? Like, who else would I like if not you?” Haechan glances at you, and you try and smile at him in a way where he won’t think you’re joking.

“You like me too?” He asks. You nod at him.

“I like you too.”

“…that’s gross,” Haechan says. You frown at him, and he waves his hands in front of you, trying to take back what he meant. “I mean- I mean… That’s good. I’m glad. We- oh my god, can we talk about this later? I feel like they’re secretly filming us right now.”

You nod again. “Yeah, of course. We’ll talk later.”

“…like… maybe on a date?” You feel a blush creep across your face and you nod at for a third time.

“Yeah. Yeah, like, on a date.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It’s a date.”

-

You and Haechan actually manage to finish the cake before the party, and when the other members of NCT Dream arrive, they’re all happy to see the food, and the decorations, and the cake that you and Haechan have prepared for them. You’re glad that you managed to finish and not getting the punishment. You could just have fun.

Which, you do. You all have a fun time, eating, playing some games that the production crew prepared for you while they filmed for the show, and just hanging out with your friends.

Hanging out with NCT Dream and having fun made you think that this wasn’t supposed to be for a show again. It felt that it was actually just you and your friends and your sort of maybe soon-to-be boyfriend having fun, just like earlier when you and Haechan had been having fun preparing the party.

And, when Haechan smiles at you when Mark is being bombarded by Jaemin and Jeno about something you’re not paying attention to, you know for certain that your feelings are being shared.

It wasn’t just a reality show. It was something real.

[pinkweepingwillow]

Something like this but less focused on astrology, maybe a book will pop🙈

"Gemini" The Art of Duality June 02, 2018 Following my 32nd, Birthday I want to start it off by blogging about something I’ve longed to explore. The law of polarity is a universal law that governs this physical existence, It is described to be: In the presence or manifesto of two opposite or contrasting principles or tendencies. Being a Gemini myself born June 1st, 1986 I am here to offer some perspective on Duality. We are well known for our dualistic nature, after all we are the twin sign. “Gemini” is the third astrological sign in the third astrological sign in the zodiac originating from the constellation of Gemini. Under the tropical zodiac, the sun transits this sign between May 21 and June 21. Gemini is represented by The Twins Castor and Pollux.[3] The symbol of the twins is based on the Dioscuri, two mortals that were granted shared godhood after death.[4] Sign characteristic of a Gemini Wind - Air. Side note: Reflecting back I always went with the flow of things growing up, I just discovered it is simple that way. It was only when I did not go with the flow of things I experienced the most resistance in my life. When I became aware of the astrological information regarding my sign I began identify with its many aspects and it only gave me a deeper understanding of the “person” I am. Exploring some of the strengths, Gemini’s are generally known to be versatile, quick witted, sensitive, intelligent, creative, artistic, social, passionate, disciplined, thoughtful, crazy, loving, and funny. They have a deep appreciation for the arts, philosophy, writing, history, nature, and the cosmos. Just as they have all these really cool strengths, they have their weaknesses some of which are, indecisive, nervous, short tempered, frustrated, non-social, detached, isolated, forgetful, impatient, and the most notorious of them all inconsistent. We are considered to be the jack of all trades but master of none, this is dualism revealing itself. Keep in mind that it is the characteristics of both the strengths and weakness that make up the identity of the whole. For as long as I can remember I have always experienced a deep yearning in always being split for an example walking a human journey and a spiritual one. Living the day to day is our human experience, expressing the will of our soul is living a spiritual one. This is form of duality yet, I never taken the time to gain a deeper understanding of what I was regularly experiencing. As an artist and photographer for a while I created with both entities independent of each other I treated them as if they were separate. When I first decided to unify the two talents my work immediately evolved, it was a benchmark in my life. I have creatively found a way to merged two talents and it birth the project "Shards Of Glass" I Blogged about how much of an amazing experience this was. http://lorenzopphotography.com/new-blog/2015/8/20/shard-of-glass Weather If we like to acknowledge it or not we experience duality on an everyday consistent basis. Like the old saying goes, “Opposites Attract”. Have you ever asked yourself why is that? When these forces are equally unified it creates harmony, by understanding these laws it helped to identify with what needed balance in my life. Think of it as a reciprocal relationship, a constant give and take. Theologian Richard Rohr, refers to this relationship as a “Divine Dance” Even the cells running through your body operates in with the same mechanics it is a universal law. You are by nature attracted to your opposite I would consider this divine orchestration a reflection of completion. People in romantic relationships are generally attracted to someone who is completely opposite of them and when they unit they act as a mirror to one another. When these qualities or energies of both parties are met subsequently you have something that is complete. When there is unity there is balance, and where there is balance there is strength. Literally one cannot exist without the other, anytime God created something he divided it from its opposite. Duality speaks of conformation and witness; the number 2 represents division to show you both ends of the spectrum. In many Chinese traditions they understand this law as Tao, living in harmony with the “Yin and Yang”. The Gnostic belief in the dualism of flesh and spirit—with the flesh being evil and something to be freed from, while the eternal spirit was good—also originated in the lie Satan told Eve. Gnostics, in general, believed that the purpose of human existence was to return to the spiritual realm from whence all originated. Death, then, was seen as liberation of the spirit. Referencing Genesis 1 King James Version (KJV) 1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. 2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. 3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. 4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness. 5 And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day. You can see how the creator engineered this existence to be an exact opposite of itself. People would always refer to my brother and I as "Day & Night", I was “Day” and he was “Night”. Paired together we are a brotherly couple unmatched, were are a reflection of each other literally. I exemplified qualities of a positive vibration he on the other hand, display frequencies of a negative one. It’s only when you have a charge from both a positive and negative source can a battery be powered! Speaking of which, being positive and negatively charged I have theorized the Sun and Moon act as a power source for planet earth, one has energy contrary of the other. The idea of duality is subliminally perpetuated throughout our culture. If you direct your attention to characters in the comic books such as the Iconic Superman, who walks a human journey simultaneously walking a superhuman one. In the likeness of being human he is Clark Kent on the job working the day to day. When he is Superman his abilities are ultimately used for the greater good of the world. Although he possess all of these great abilities appearing Godlike to humans his weakness is Kryptonite, it is often used by his enemies to weakened Superman. Metaphysically speaking this is symbolic of duality. One is not independent of the other, It evolves as one entity or one unit. You have your human assignments and you have your spiritual ones, and It does not matter how powerful you are, all superheroes have a weakness. Using superheroes as an analogy the same principle applies to characters such as Spider-Man, The Hulk, Batman, etc..They all share a duality, it is the gift and the curse. As Gemini’s we tend to hide or separate these things in fear of being rejected or misunderstood. The flaws and imperfections are apart of the same elements that makes us great. This makes me beg the question are Gemini's undercover superheroes? Hmmmm...... I am just joking, although I can attest at times I’ve held back at revealing my true nature in fear people would not understand or judge. I no longer wish to hide my “true” self, and to my fellow Gemini finding balance will help you flow with the wind. There are many facets of dualities we see in today's world, essentially they all share an underlying theme, there is an infinite cycle of balance "One cannot exist without the other". “It is my belief that people who are born under this astrological sign are excellent conduits of balancing these dualities on this physical plane! "We Live In a World Governed by Polarity" Alpha & Omega Start & Finish Male & Female Masculine & Feminine Strong & Weak Prey & Predator Cause & Effect Light & Dark Good & Evil Heaven & Hell As above - So below Gift & Curse Top & Bottom North- South East - West Yin & Yang Rich & Poor Giving & Receiving Adding & Subtracting Order & Chaos Life & Death Positive & Negative Protons & Neutrons Sleep & Wake Conscious & Unconscious Sun & Moon Day & Night Speaking & Silence Creation & Destruction Beauty & Ugly Ego & spirit Heart & Mind Hot & Cold Fire & Ice Liberty & Imprisonment Bitter & Sweet Republican & Democrat Right & Left Past & Future

[batterymonster2021]

Questions No One Knows the Answers to (Full Version)

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/questions-no-one-knows-the-answers-to-full-version-5/

Questions No One Knows the Answers to (Full Version)

On a average day at university, endless hours are spent studying the answers to questions, but right now, we’ll do the opposite. We’re going to focus on questions where you can’t be trained the solutions seeing that they may be unknown. I used to puzzle about quite a few matters as a boy, for illustration: What would it suppose like to be a dog? Do fish suppose ache? How about bugs? Was once the massive Bang simply an accident? And is there a God? And if that is so, how are we so definite that it’s a He and not a She? Why accomplish that many harmless persons and animals undergo terrible matters? Is there quite a plan for my existence? Is the future but to be written, or is it already written and we simply are not able to see it? But then, do i have free will? I mean, who am I anyway? Am I only a organic machine? But then, why am I aware? What’s cognizance? Will robots come to be conscious someday? I imply, I kind of assumed that some day i’d be instructed the solutions to all these questions.Anyone need to comprehend, correct? Guess what? No person is aware of. Most of these questions puzzle me more now than ever. However diving into them is entertaining because it takes you to the brink of expertise, and you by no means be aware of what you’ll be able to to find there. So, two questions that nobody on earth is aware of the answer to. (tune) repeatedly after I’m on a protracted plane flight, I gaze out in any respect these mountains and deserts and take a look at to get my head round how substantial our Earth is.After which I don’t forget that there is an object we see everyday that would actually match 1,000,000 Earths within it: the solar. It appears impossibly large. However within the fine scheme of things, it can be a pinprick, certainly one of about four hundred billion stars in the Milky method galaxy, which you will see that on a clear night as a pale white mist stretched throughout the sky. And it will get worse. There are perhaps one hundred billion galaxies detectable by our telescopes. So if every superstar used to be the scale of a single grain of sand, simply the Milky way has enough stars to fill a 30-foot via 30-foot stretch of seaside three ft deep with sand. And the whole Earth does not have adequate shores to symbolize the celebs in the overall universe. The sort of seaside would proceed for literally 1000’s of millions of miles. Holy Stephen Hawking, that’s plenty of stars. However he and other physicists now think in a fact that is unimaginably greater still.I mean, initially, the a hundred billion galaxies within range of our telescopes are usually a minuscule fraction of the whole. House itself is increasing at an accelerating p.C.. The massive majority of the galaxies are setting apart from us so quick that gentle from them could certainly not attain us. Nonetheless, our physical truth here on earth is intimately related to these far-off, invisible galaxies. We are able to think of them as a part of our universe. They make up a single, tremendous edifice obeying the same physical legal guidelines and all made from the same varieties of atoms, electrons, protons, quarks, neutrinos, that make up you and me. However, up to date theories in physics, together with one referred to as string thought, at the moment are telling us there might be numerous different universes built on exceptional forms of particles, with extraordinary homes, obeying distinctive legal guidelines.Most of these universes would in no way support life, and might flash in and out of existence in a nanosecond. But however, mixed, they make up a sizeable multiverse of feasible universes in as much as eleven dimensions, proposing wonders beyond our wildest creativeness. The main version of string conception predicts a multiverse made from 10 to the 500 universes. That’s a one adopted by means of 500 zeros, a quantity so enormous that if every atom in our observable universe had its own universe, and all the atoms in all those universes each had their own universe, and also you repeated that for 2 extra cycles, you’ll still be at a tiny fraction of the complete, particularly, one thousand billion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillionth. (Laughter) but even that quantity is minuscule compared to a further quantity: infinity. Some physicists feel the space-time continuum is actually infinite and that it includes a limiteless quantity of so-called pocket universes with varying houses. How’s your brain doing? Quantum idea provides a whole new wrinkle. I imply, the theory’s been demonstrated actual past all doubt, but interpreting it is baffling, and some physicists feel that you could most effective un-baffle it in the event you think that significant numbers of parallel universes are being spawned every moment, and plenty of of those universes would without a doubt be very like the world we’re in, would incorporate a couple of copies of you.In one such universe, you would graduate with honors and marry the character of your desires, and in one more, now not a lot. Good, there are still some scientists who would say, hogwash. The one significant answer to the question of how many universes there are is one. Only one universe. And some philosophers and mystics could argue that even our possess universe is an illusion. So, as you will see, correct now there is not any agreement on this question, not even close. All we know is the answer is somewhere between zero and infinity. Good, i guess we all know one more thing. This is a pretty cool time to be learning physics. We just maybe undergoing the most important paradigm shift in talents that humanity has ever visible. (track) somewhere in the market in that huge universe there have got to most likely be numerous other planets teeming with life.But why don’t we see any proof of it? Good, that is the famous question asked by way of Enrico Fermi in 1950: the place is everybody? Conspiracy theorists declare that UFOs are traveling all the time and the reviews are simply being blanketed up, but actually, they don’t seem to be very convincing. But that leaves an actual riddle. Previously yr, the Kepler space observatory has determined 1000s of planets simply round neighborhood stars. And in the event you extrapolate that information, it appears like there could be half of one thousand billion planets simply in our possess galaxy. If any individual in 10,000 has conditions that would support a form of existence, that is still 50 million feasible life-harboring planets proper here within the Milky method.So here’s the riddle: our Earth did not kind unless about nine billion years after the massive Bang. Countless different planets in our galaxy must have fashioned prior, and given existence a danger to get underway billions, or absolutely many hundreds of thousands of years previous than happened on the earth. If just a few of them had spawned clever existence and began creating technologies, those applied sciences would have had thousands of years to grow in complexity and energy. In the world, we now have seen how dramatically technological know-how can accelerate in simply one hundred years. In thousands of years, an clever alien civilization might without difficulty have unfold out across the galaxy, perhaps growing giant energy-harvesting artifacts or fleets of colonizing spaceships or wonderful artistic endeavors that fill the night time sky. At the very least, you’d think they’d be revealing their presence, deliberately or otherwise, by way of electromagnetic signals of one type or another. And yet we see no convincing evidence of any of it. Why? Well, there are countless possible answers, some of them quite darkish. Maybe a single, superintelligent civilization has indeed taken over the galaxy and has imposed strict radio silence on the grounds that it can be paranoid of any advantage opponents. It’s simply sitting there ready to obliterate whatever that turns into a chance.Or probably they are no longer that smart, or perhaps the evolution of an intelligence capable of making refined technological know-how is some distance rarer than we’ve got assumed. In any case, it’s best happened once on the planet in four billion years. Probably even that was once particularly lucky. Possibly we’re the first such civilization in our galaxy. Or, maybe civilization incorporates with it the seeds of its possess destruction by way of the incapability to control the applied sciences it creates. However there are countless extra hopeful solutions. For a start, we’re no longer looking that hard, and we’re spending a pitiful amount of money on it. Simplest a tiny fraction of the stars in our galaxy have particularly been looked at closely for indicators of exciting alerts. And might be we’re no longer looking the right method.Maybe as civilizations improve, they rapidly realize conversation technologies a long way more subtle and valuable than electromagnetic waves. Maybe all the motion takes situation inside the mysterious lately learned darkish topic, or dark power, that show up to account for most of the universe’s mass. Or, maybe we’re watching on the improper scale. Perhaps clever civilizations come to appreciate that life is finally just problematic patterns of understanding interacting with every other in a gorgeous way, and that that can happen more efficaciously at a small scale. So, just as on the earth, clunky stereo systems have contracted to lovely, tiny iPods, might be clever existence itself, with the intention to diminish its footprint on the environment, has became itself microscopic.So the sun procedure probably teeming with aliens, and we’re just now not noticing them. Might be the very strategies in our heads are a form of alien existence. Good, ok, that is a loopy thought. The aliens made me say it. However it’s cool that recommendations do seem to have a life all of their own and that they outlive their creators. Might be organic existence is just a passing phase. Good, inside the next 15 years, we might start seeing real spectroscopic information from promising local planets with the intention to disclose just how lifestyles-friendly they possibly.And in the meantime, SETI, the search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence, is now releasing its knowledge to the general public so that hundreds of thousands of citizen scientists, might be together with you, can convey the vigor of the gang to become a member of the search. And here on earth, amazing experiments are being finished to take a look at to create life from scratch, lifestyles that perhaps very exceptional from the DNA types we know. All of this may occasionally aid us understand whether the universe is teeming with lifestyles or whether, certainly, it is simply us. Either reply, in its possess manner, is awe-inspiring, on the grounds that although we are on my own, the fact that we consider and dream and ask these questions could yet grow to be one of the vital main details concerning the universe.And i have a further piece of good information for you. The quest for capabilities and figuring out by no means gets stupid. It does not. It can be virtually the opposite. The extra you recognize, the extra robust the sector seems. And it is the loopy prospects, the unanswered questions, that pull us forward. So stay curious. .

[airoasis]

Questions No One Knows the Answers to (Full Version)

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/questions-no-one-knows-the-answers-to-full-version-5/

Questions No One Knows the Answers to (Full Version)

On a average day at university, endless hours are spent studying the answers to questions, but right now, we’ll do the opposite. We’re going to focus on questions where you can’t be trained the solutions seeing that they may be unknown. I used to puzzle about quite a few matters as a boy, for illustration: What would it suppose like to be a dog? Do fish suppose ache? How about bugs? Was once the massive Bang simply an accident? And is there a God? And if that is so, how are we so definite that it’s a He and not a She? Why accomplish that many harmless persons and animals undergo terrible matters? Is there quite a plan for my existence? Is the future but to be written, or is it already written and we simply are not able to see it? But then, do i have free will? I mean, who am I anyway? Am I only a organic machine? But then, why am I aware? What’s cognizance? Will robots come to be conscious someday? I imply, I kind of assumed that some day i’d be instructed the solutions to all these questions.Anyone need to comprehend, correct? Guess what? No person is aware of. Most of these questions puzzle me more now than ever. However diving into them is entertaining because it takes you to the brink of expertise, and you by no means be aware of what you’ll be able to to find there. So, two questions that nobody on earth is aware of the answer to. (tune) repeatedly after I’m on a protracted plane flight, I gaze out in any respect these mountains and deserts and take a look at to get my head round how substantial our Earth is.After which I don’t forget that there is an object we see everyday that would actually match 1,000,000 Earths within it: the solar. It appears impossibly large. However within the fine scheme of things, it can be a pinprick, certainly one of about four hundred billion stars in the Milky method galaxy, which you will see that on a clear night as a pale white mist stretched throughout the sky. And it will get worse. There are perhaps one hundred billion galaxies detectable by our telescopes. So if every superstar used to be the scale of a single grain of sand, simply the Milky way has enough stars to fill a 30-foot via 30-foot stretch of seaside three ft deep with sand. And the whole Earth does not have adequate shores to symbolize the celebs in the overall universe. The sort of seaside would proceed for literally 1000’s of millions of miles. Holy Stephen Hawking, that’s plenty of stars. However he and other physicists now think in a fact that is unimaginably greater still.I mean, initially, the a hundred billion galaxies within range of our telescopes are usually a minuscule fraction of the whole. House itself is increasing at an accelerating p.C.. The massive majority of the galaxies are setting apart from us so quick that gentle from them could certainly not attain us. Nonetheless, our physical truth here on earth is intimately related to these far-off, invisible galaxies. We are able to think of them as a part of our universe. They make up a single, tremendous edifice obeying the same physical legal guidelines and all made from the same varieties of atoms, electrons, protons, quarks, neutrinos, that make up you and me. However, up to date theories in physics, together with one referred to as string thought, at the moment are telling us there might be numerous different universes built on exceptional forms of particles, with extraordinary homes, obeying distinctive legal guidelines.Most of these universes would in no way support life, and might flash in and out of existence in a nanosecond. But however, mixed, they make up a sizeable multiverse of feasible universes in as much as eleven dimensions, proposing wonders beyond our wildest creativeness. The main version of string conception predicts a multiverse made from 10 to the 500 universes. That’s a one adopted by means of 500 zeros, a quantity so enormous that if every atom in our observable universe had its own universe, and all the atoms in all those universes each had their own universe, and also you repeated that for 2 extra cycles, you’ll still be at a tiny fraction of the complete, particularly, one thousand billion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillionth. (Laughter) but even that quantity is minuscule compared to a further quantity: infinity. Some physicists feel the space-time continuum is actually infinite and that it includes a limiteless quantity of so-called pocket universes with varying houses. How’s your brain doing? Quantum idea provides a whole new wrinkle. I imply, the theory’s been demonstrated actual past all doubt, but interpreting it is baffling, and some physicists feel that you could most effective un-baffle it in the event you think that significant numbers of parallel universes are being spawned every moment, and plenty of of those universes would without a doubt be very like the world we’re in, would incorporate a couple of copies of you.In one such universe, you would graduate with honors and marry the character of your desires, and in one more, now not a lot. Good, there are still some scientists who would say, hogwash. The one significant answer to the question of how many universes there are is one. Only one universe. And some philosophers and mystics could argue that even our possess universe is an illusion. So, as you will see, correct now there is not any agreement on this question, not even close. All we know is the answer is somewhere between zero and infinity. Good, i guess we all know one more thing. This is a pretty cool time to be learning physics. We just maybe undergoing the most important paradigm shift in talents that humanity has ever visible. (track) somewhere in the market in that huge universe there have got to most likely be numerous other planets teeming with life.But why don’t we see any proof of it? Good, that is the famous question asked by way of Enrico Fermi in 1950: the place is everybody? Conspiracy theorists declare that UFOs are traveling all the time and the reviews are simply being blanketed up, but actually, they don’t seem to be very convincing. But that leaves an actual riddle. Previously yr, the Kepler space observatory has determined 1000s of planets simply round neighborhood stars. And in the event you extrapolate that information, it appears like there could be half of one thousand billion planets simply in our possess galaxy. If any individual in 10,000 has conditions that would support a form of existence, that is still 50 million feasible life-harboring planets proper here within the Milky method.So here’s the riddle: our Earth did not kind unless about nine billion years after the massive Bang. Countless different planets in our galaxy must have fashioned prior, and given existence a danger to get underway billions, or absolutely many hundreds of thousands of years previous than happened on the earth. If just a few of them had spawned clever existence and began creating technologies, those applied sciences would have had thousands of years to grow in complexity and energy. In the world, we now have seen how dramatically technological know-how can accelerate in simply one hundred years. In thousands of years, an clever alien civilization might without difficulty have unfold out across the galaxy, perhaps growing giant energy-harvesting artifacts or fleets of colonizing spaceships or wonderful artistic endeavors that fill the night time sky. At the very least, you’d think they’d be revealing their presence, deliberately or otherwise, by way of electromagnetic signals of one type or another. And yet we see no convincing evidence of any of it. Why? Well, there are countless possible answers, some of them quite darkish. Maybe a single, superintelligent civilization has indeed taken over the galaxy and has imposed strict radio silence on the grounds that it can be paranoid of any advantage opponents. It’s simply sitting there ready to obliterate whatever that turns into a chance.Or probably they are no longer that smart, or perhaps the evolution of an intelligence capable of making refined technological know-how is some distance rarer than we’ve got assumed. In any case, it’s best happened once on the planet in four billion years. Probably even that was once particularly lucky. Possibly we’re the first such civilization in our galaxy. Or, maybe civilization incorporates with it the seeds of its possess destruction by way of the incapability to control the applied sciences it creates. However there are countless extra hopeful solutions. For a start, we’re no longer looking that hard, and we’re spending a pitiful amount of money on it. Simplest a tiny fraction of the stars in our galaxy have particularly been looked at closely for indicators of exciting alerts. And might be we’re no longer looking the right method.Maybe as civilizations improve, they rapidly realize conversation technologies a long way more subtle and valuable than electromagnetic waves. Maybe all the motion takes situation inside the mysterious lately learned darkish topic, or dark power, that show up to account for most of the universe’s mass. Or, maybe we’re watching on the improper scale. Perhaps clever civilizations come to appreciate that life is finally just problematic patterns of understanding interacting with every other in a gorgeous way, and that that can happen more efficaciously at a small scale. So, just as on the earth, clunky stereo systems have contracted to lovely, tiny iPods, might be clever existence itself, with the intention to diminish its footprint on the environment, has became itself microscopic.So the sun procedure probably teeming with aliens, and we’re just now not noticing them. Might be the very strategies in our heads are a form of alien existence. Good, ok, that is a loopy thought. The aliens made me say it. However it’s cool that recommendations do seem to have a life all of their own and that they outlive their creators. Might be organic existence is just a passing phase. Good, inside the next 15 years, we might start seeing real spectroscopic information from promising local planets with the intention to disclose just how lifestyles-friendly they possibly.And in the meantime, SETI, the search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence, is now releasing its knowledge to the general public so that hundreds of thousands of citizen scientists, might be together with you, can convey the vigor of the gang to become a member of the search. And here on earth, amazing experiments are being finished to take a look at to create life from scratch, lifestyles that perhaps very exceptional from the DNA types we know. All of this may occasionally aid us understand whether the universe is teeming with lifestyles or whether, certainly, it is simply us. Either reply, in its possess manner, is awe-inspiring, on the grounds that although we are on my own, the fact that we consider and dream and ask these questions could yet grow to be one of the vital main details concerning the universe.And i have a further piece of good information for you. The quest for capabilities and figuring out by no means gets stupid. It does not. It can be virtually the opposite. The extra you recognize, the extra robust the sector seems. And it is the loopy prospects, the unanswered questions, that pull us forward. So stay curious. .

[markwatkinsconsumerguide]

Consumer Guide / No.73 / singer - musician - songwriter Sarah Nixey (Black Box Recorder) with Mark Watkins.  

MW : You've received a very good write-up by music-journalist Paul Morley, who also co-founded ZTT records, one of the labels most famous songs being 'Snobbery And Decay' by Act. In your own body of work, how have you expressed "snobbery" and "decay"?

SN : Snobbery and decay run through the entire Black Box Recorder catalogue. Sex and death also feature heavily. Decay is something I explore a great deal in my solo work too. 'Merry England' is about both snobbery and decay – slum clearances in London, and also the repercussions of the EU referendum.

MW : Do you like to muse, or perhaps wish to be someone's muse?

SN : I spent years being “the muse” when I was in Black Box Recorder, and it was fun for a while. It's fine when you are expressing yourself in other ways, like singing live and recording. 

The turning point came when I was pregnant with my first child at the age of 26. Being “the muse” was no longer enough, and I wanted to be much more creative. That's when I started taking my songwriting more seriously. Before that, I had it in my head that professional songwriters had God-given talents and I wasn't necessarily one of the chosen few. 

What I learnt was, with some self-discipline, you can teach yourself to write. I don't mind being someone's muse – I'm not against the idea, but it's a passive role, and unless you are bringing something else to the process, it's not particularly fulfilling.

I much prefer to muse these days - I like to spend time daydreaming about song ideas and working on them in my home studio.

MW : If you could have one painting above your fireplace, what would you choose & why?

SN : I've just moved house, and I still need to hang pictures and mirrors. We have a lot of original art from friends and family who are artists, and I would like to commission my husband's cousin to make something for us. His name is Sam MacDonald, and he creates beautiful fish sculptures from metal. Have a look at his work here : - 

http://www.sam-macdonald.co.uk

MW : Do you bend the corners of books?! If so, do you feel good or bad about it? How about if the book is borrowed?

SN : Now this is a question that will surely divide your readers! If it's my book, sometimes I bend the corners. This generally only happens if it's non-fiction and I've read something of particular importance, or revelation. I don't ask to borrow books unless I'm staying at someone's house and have forgotten mine. 

I would never turn the corners of a book I had borrowed and intended to return to someone. That would be extremely disrespectful. My brother despises it when I do this to my books, and I know it's a pet hate for many people. I used to lend people books if they asked to borrow them, until someone decided that the book I had lent them deserved to be passed on to someone else, so now I only give books away when I feel that I don't need them anymore.

I have had several bookcases built in my new house recently due to the vast number I have collected over the years. I enjoy spending time in a bookshop - my favourite being West End Lane Books in North West London : -

http://welbooks.co.uk/

MW : What was the last good book you read?

SN : I have just finished reading ‘The Strange Case Of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde' by Robert Louis Stevenson. I read 'This Is Going To Hurt' by Adam Kay at the same time, but the theme of doctors was unintentional. Stevenson's short, Gothic novel, set in fog-bound, Victorian London, is an exploration of the human capacity for evil and the supernatural. No doubt most people know the story but if you haven't read the book, the language is extraordinary, and the plot gripping.

'This Is Going To Hurt' is the diary of an NHS junior doctor. It's both hilarious and heartbreaking. I hardly ever cry when I'm reading books, but this had me in tears - laughter and sorrow. I quite often read two books and go between them – one fiction, and the other non-fiction. It's a reflection of my need to get lots of things done, preferably at the same time.

MW : What can you recommend culturally?

SN : This month, I'm going to see 'Magic Medicine' – a film about the first medical trial using magic mushrooms to treat people suffering from clinical depression. It looks really interesting and my friend Monty, who has directed it, is very passionate about his film.

https://magicmedicine.net/

I'm also going to see 'London Nights' at the Museum of London - a large collection of photographs taken at night in the capital.

My Dad just sent me a message reminding me to go to Proud Galleries this month to see 'The Kinks Are The Village Green Preservation Society' exhibition. It's the 50th anniversary release of The Kinks’ sixth studio album. I don't know anyone who loves The Kinks more than my Dad. I grew up listening to their records.

The best exhibition I've been to in recent years is The Infinite Mix at The Store, on The Strand. It features lots of audio-visual artwork that covers so many different themes. I loved it!

MW : Do you cycle, and if so, your thoughts on the impact of the activity?

SN : I arrived in London when I was 18 years old, and the first thing I bought was a second-hand bicycle. I went everywhere on that bike, loved the feeling of independence it gave me and have ridden a bike in London ever since then, regardless of whether I've had a car or not. Before I was signed to a record label, I worked as a temp in all sorts of locations around London, and because the pay wasn't particularly good, I saved cash by riding to work, rather than paying for costly public transport. I would cycle several miles a day to work and then home again, possibly to a rehearsal afterwards, or a gig. My favourite route was through the centre of London and then out to Kensington, via Hyde Park.

Since then, I've had lots of bikes, and now I ride a Specialized Sirrus Comp. I bought a cargo bike several years ago (a tricycle with a big box at the front where you strap your kids into) and do the school run on this, using my other bike for solo trips about town.

I don't know many people who cycle a lot in London. Generally, I think most people regard it as a dangerous pastime. I've been told many times by other parents that the cargo bike looks like great fun, but they wouldn't risk cycling their children to school. They turn up in their 4x4 instead! At some point, we are all going to suffer the consequences of our inaction. I'm far from perfect and reevaluate how I am contributing to this big mess regularly. There is a song on my new album called 'Dancing At The Edge Of The World' all about human denial of the dire consequences ahead. It's upbeat in tempo, and the subject matter may well pass most people by, which would be quite fitting.

MW : Which elements of making music do you get a kick out of?

SN : There is nothing like sealing a song. I mean, when everything comes together melodically, lyrically and sonically, it's a beautiful feeling. 

Sometimes it happens when you least expect it and when you feel like you haven't worked very hard. I was recording a demo for 'Brave Tin Soldiers', from my second solo album, and an idea came for 'The Homecoming'. I already had some lyrics written down but all of a sudden, the song started writing itself. It's a bizarre feeling when that happens because you feel like you should be slaving over it, and then before you know what’s happening, the song has arrived. There's a feeling of disbelief and bewilderment when a song comes out of what seems like no-where. 

What usually follows is a strange detachment from that song, like it doesn't belong to you.

MW : How does your solo work differ from your band days with Black Box Recorder?

SN : I played a gig in Barcelona a few years ago, and an audience member came up to me after the show to say Thank You. He said that my songs were more dramatic and romantic than Black Box Recorder songs. Someone else described them as Gothic Cabaret. Both of those descriptions are correct, I think. In many ways, I have tried to steer away from what I believe is Black Box Recorder’s style and offer something a little more emotive.

I think Black Box Recorder songs can (deliberately) leave you feeling cold, but I want my listeners to be emotionally involved. I want them to be in the song, and be moved by it, in some way. That's why I want to get better as a songwriter and a singer. Music can change things for people, at it's very best - change the way they feel about themselves and their lives, even if it's momentarily. I'm always working towards being able to do that better.

MW : How did you find your Top Of The Pops (TOTP) appearances? Would you like to see the show brought back (not just for Christmas!)...

SN : I loved being on TOTP. I always watched the programme when it was on, and when I was a little girl I used to say that I would be so happy to be on TOTP, just once, to dress up really elegantly and to sing live, not mime. When that moment finally arrived, I went back to my dressing room afterwards thinking I don't really care what happens now, my dream has been realised. It's funny to think how TOTP made such an impression on me when I was young.

https://youtu.be/1loWFuZveyQ

I don't know whether they should bring it back. It won't be the same because the music scene is so different now. I don't think it's something my children would be interested in as they are so used to watching whatever they like, whenever they like on the internet. We didn't have that option when we were young so we got to watch The Jesus and Mary Chain play on the same show as Five Star and Chris de Burgh. We couldn't be selective and it was this that made TOTP so good. We booed at the TV when we didn't like a band or singer, and danced and cheered to our favourite songs. It was magical.

MW : Tell me about your latest single, 'The Zeppelin', and the new album it's from, 'Night Walks'...

SN : I was reading Nina Hamnett's memoirs and there is an episode where she is watching a Zeppelin fall from the sky. Previously, she had described the end of a love affair and I put the two incidents together for this song. I'd also been reading about the airship crash at Cuffley, and the image of the Zeppelin burning really stuck in my head. When a story gets to the core of me, I nearly always end up writing a song about it. I think it's probably my way of processing, and sometimes resolving, emotional information.

'Night Walks' is a collection of songs I wrote when I was going through a long period of insomnia. After I had my third child, I suffered very badly from sleep deprivation, got ill and started writing songs during the night, because I couldn't get back to sleep. If it feels like a slightly hallucinatory album, I'm not surprised. Most of the songs came to me when I was in a half-asleep, dreamlike state.

MW : Finally, let’s turn to 2019...

SN : I'm thinking about doing some gigs next year sometime. Nothing is confirmed yet. I enjoy the writing and recording process very much, and I'm moving away from performing more and more. There will definitely be another album in the not too distant future though. 

http://www.sarahnixey.com/

© Mark Watkins /  November 2018