#bob the builder flex

[kevingotabigasschin]

Okay but can we all agree that Lofty's Banana Tree was just about Lofty trying to impress his crush.

[a-ikus]

the idea of being in a marriage with a busy man, out of the house most of the hours, business trips often and long, every minute of his day scheduled for something, something useful. there was love once, you think, maybe years ago, maybe it would still there if he wasn't too busy for you.

of course, his time spent out of the house funds your life, keeps the house running, keeps you entertained. but never entirely fulfilled like you were when it was puppy love.

you want something to do with yourself, an extension on the house surely enough to keep your mind off missing your husband for a while, getting to choose paint colours, furniture, architecture styles, how you wanted the skirting to look, or what the new rooms will be, maybe a home office to convince your husband to stay with you a little more.

although, those thoughts slip out of your mind at a speed you didn't even think possible when you meet eyes with your builder, introducing himself to you with a firm handshake, his hands hard from years of work, fingers thick and forearms tanned from years working under the sun.

you almost forget you have a husband when you watch him work, biceps flexing as he moves, his throat bobbing when he drinks the ice cold water you bring him, forget about the weight of your ring on your finger when he's standing so close to you, asking what you think of his work so far.

[bella-but-not-hadid444]

i need more jayce and vi moments. i want them to b annoying to their partners. i want them to make the shittiest beat known to man on garage band and think it’s soooo fire that they make it eachother’s ring tone. i want them to kick rocks around and sulk like emos when viktor and caitlyn wont kiss them. i want them to wear “im with stupid ->” t-shirts. i need them to sit together on a rollercoaster and plan the stupid poses they’ll do for the pictures. wanna see vi slapping jayce on the arm while laughing so hard she can’t breathe. i want them to say “type shit” and “on skibidi” to eachother unironically. i want to see them giggling and whispering in each others ears before doodling cat ears on posters of caitlyn. i want to see them have a food fight at the table and then being told off by caitlyn and viktor so they try to b really serious but they keep looking at eachother and bursting out laughing. i want to see jayce be knocked over by a big dog and then vi doubling down and KO-ing him. wanna see them at the beach having a sandcastle competition and throwing rocks at eachother’s builds. wanna see them flexing their biceps in eachother’s faces unprompted. need them to send eachother random pictures of funny looking rocks or dog shit on the side of the road with the text “reminded me of you twin 🫶🫶”. jayce and vi who go to cat cafes and mess w the cats, flinging their toys across the room and making them scrap- promptly being kicked out. OMGG i want them to b wearing matching hawaiian shirts and the ultimate dad combo of socks and sandals, standing there hands on hips, sighing and looking out into the distance. OOH and vi convincing jayce to get a tattoo of like a hammer (cuz of House Talis) and then she starts calling him Hammer Boy or Bob The Builder -he told viktor and he encourages the name calling. their team name for anything would always be “Bimbo and Butch”. need them to play wii sports and vi accidentally letting go of the wii remote while bowling and it flies straight into the tv. NEED them to b watching sports on tv, legs spread elbows on knees, hands clasped under their chins, deep in focus and analysing the players, saying shit like “i could do that w my left nut alone” or “did bro even try.” vi making fun of jayce because he got charged double by an 11 year old Ekko. vi telling jayce to “look at the ceiling, someone’s written gullible up there” and him actually looking up, genuinely believing her.

[tillie5]

Flex (Bob The Builder) as Strip (Islandside Adventures)

[mistertf2xreaderfluffballcake]

What do the mercs do to support and care for their s/o and what do they find you special. They show a lot of support towards s/o so let me explain a few. :)) A lot of this writing was inspired by @demomanmybeloved and is one of the reasons why I tried out writing! You should check them out! (If you are out there! I just wanna let you know your writing is awesome!! :))

Scout

He cracks jokes for you! He loves hearing you laugh, blush and smile! When he makes you laugh it is just the best moment in his life. When he cracks jokes with other people they ignore him and don't even care. But you! Always understand him. That is one of the reasons why he loves you!

He always helps you cheer you up. If you even say one word something bad about yourself. He will definitely support you! S/o! Let me say this...You are the most funniest, and the hottest person I have ever met! He really means this, it never fails you to give a little giggle at such a cute compliment.

Soldier

This man...will always brag about you. If you ever feel insecure well fear no more! :)) You are a person who deserves respect...love...happiness...everything! He is very loyal. Trust me

He always helps you out in battle! Did spy screw you over? No problem let me beat him up for you :)) He always keeps you safe in battle! You got a little scratch? * inhale* *exhale* MEDIC COME OVER HERE AND HEAL S/O RIGHT NOW! THAT IS AN ORDER!!

He likes you because you help him calm down. You help him calm down and feel safe. He may seem scary on the outside but he is really a sweetheart in the inside :))

Pyro

Always cheers you up! Do you feel a bit sad? Pyro got a whole playdate for you to enjoy! Tea party, campfire, everything!!

Do you feel cold? Just in a few seconds you now are fully warmed up. Campfire time!!! Pryo cares about you so much.

They like you since you don't get weirded out like others and don't call him mean names. You also enjoy his company so much!

Engineer

Always fixes and makes stuff for you :)) (bob the builder) You favorite mug broke? No problem flex tape can fix it Your weapon is a bit weird? No problem! Do you feel a bit under the weather? flex tape can`t fix that but engi sure can fix that! :))

If soldier yells out to you and makes you cry a tear. OHHHH BOYY YOU ARE DEAD MEAT SOLDIER! He will purposefully make his centry hit/attack him. If soldier talks about it, he will pretend to fix it. This went for a whole week. :))) You mess with crush (s/o) you mess with him too.

He likes the fact you are so smart and interesting. The way you are passionate about your interest is so amazing! Your eye always sparkles when you talk about it.

Heavy

If you ever feel sad, big bear Heavy will help! He bakes or buys your favorite snack/treat and sits down with you and talks. After an hour you feel better and is glad heavy is always there for you.

Protects you from everything. During battle instead of prioritizing his health, he will care for your first! (medic is shocked about this) If his crush is just one health bellow him, *sign* MEDICCCCCCC!!!!!!!! no heavy I am fine there is a health kit right there! No. Heavy will protect s/o.

He is happy that s/o isn`t like others and run off scared. Instead of judging his appearance you actually care for him! You even help him improve his English (which means a LOT to him)

Demoman

He always helps you try out new things! You wanna try out a new hobby? He will 100% support you! He will maybe even help you/try out with you. If you wanna try out baking he will be your little assistant.

He likes the fact you even take time off your day to spend time with him! He was always alone, drinking....but now he has a person to share company with!

Sniper

He always shows you beututiful scean/places. Star gazing, sun sets, the autum woods,idk. But anything beutiful in nature!

He likes how creative and funny you are. He was always alone in life...he is so happy that he met you. Your smile is something people shoud die for.

Medic

If you even have the smallest injury he will treat it like you will die or something. *GASP* S/O! THERE IS A SCRATCH ON YOUR ARM!! oh. This is nothing to worry abou....NO! THE GERMS WILL INFECT MORE AREAS. COME WITH ME!! *sigh* I am fine... medic...

He is your therapist. You feel sad. This man will do anything to see you smile Once he made you smile, he melts into happiness Mission accomplished

He likes the fact you enjoy his stories. Most people get grossed out and walk away but you always give full attention to him :))

Spy

He always helps you in battle. (obviously) Honestly a bit too overprotective...backstabs everywhere...

He often dances with you...The dancing is always so romantic and pleasant. Being able to connect with each other is very nice. He always compliments you while dancing. Chacha real smooth

He likes...everything about you! Your honesty, royalty, wholesomeness, kindness, smile, personality...the list could go on forever. He has had a hard life...it is nice to know there is someone who is willing to support him and get better. You still support him despite how things went out in the past...You know...not all relationships work out... and that`s okay. You are truly a gift in his life. *sniff* He truly believes you are the one who will support him even through the toughest times. :)

Damn...For spy, I did a whole ted talk...idk why...Anyway hope you enjoyed it. My back hurts...*crack*

[ssvgawara]

Haikyuu characters as things said in the hhcu

a/n: this is pure humor and just something fun, the hhcu is wild and says stupid shit more than once a day so i complied a ridiculously long list of quotes and put them together in this list to share with yall so please enjoy, read more because again this is so long also pt 2. some of these r pretty nsfw so uh yeah <3

Oikawa: When he gives up his torso 😍 

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Nishinoya: Fisherman daddy

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Bokuto: I trust no condiments

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Osamu: YELLOW BAD OIKAWA IS NOT ALLOWED IN MY KITCHEN

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Tendou: Give ass in shiratorizawa?

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Atsumu: Garlic air freshener

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Nishinoya talking about his sex life: ITS THE GOOD OL FASHIONED POW POW GRUNT GRUNT WINDOW WASHER ULTIMATE FRISBEE DICK CONNECTOR 

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Hinata: thank you!! also my oven melted??? and caught on fire 😰 

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Yaku probably thinking abt kuroo while saying this: not gonna front im terrified of the live action grinch and if i ever see him its on sight

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Kageyama: Except that one mustard faze I had

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Lev after yaku kicks him yet again: NO INCH ACTIVE INCH VERY ACTIVE

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Suga after Kiyoko holds his hands: premarital eye contact is already a sin

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Iwaizumi realizing Oikawa probably wouldn’t know the difference between hawaiian rolls and milk bread: when he says hit it till it breaks, he means the packaging of hawaiin rolls

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All of Seijoh to Oikawa: You know whats really sexy? Self care.

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Hoshihumi: like a three year old. still baby but also evil at times🤡 

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Oikawa right before his death: "MORNING HAJI!~" slaps tiddie

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 Anyone falling on love with haikyuu boys: hey a good reverse harem never hurt anyone

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Idk who says it but terushima would do this: places his hand to my heart but then hes like heh heh boob squishy

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Tendou: centrepical force saved my bag of chocolate!!

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Lev thinking it was a literary masterpiece: *reads about a fourth of the bee movie*

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Hinata making fun of Kageyama: milk is better than the feeling of the ball touching your fingertips during a perfect set

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Hinata and Kageyama failing tests: thats just the dumbass in me babey!!!

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Atsumu simply trying to annoy Osamu: Are y’all meaning to tell me you DON’T take your raw chicken on walks through the city?

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Yahaba: PUSSY ALWAYS LEAVES

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Mattsun just to annoy everyone: yall ever think about how in the 50s and 60s they just put raw hotdogs or shrimp into jello and ate that shit and enjoyed it???

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Suga: i am now crying and my boyfriend is concerned and i can’t tell him that I’ve lost my husband and children

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Kenma; Smh my head

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Bokuto: Sorry not all of us can have double decker extra stuffed bottoms up extra large super sized t n a like me🥰🥰💅💅

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Everyone to bokuto: titty enthusiast ✨✨

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Me to kuroo: sorry babe youre a scorpio you dont have any rights anymore

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Tendou: i accidentally lit a  baby on fire

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Atsumu: This feels real human centipede

Bokuto: theyre not ass to mouth

Atsumu: Close enough

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Bokuto when a minor inconvience happens: Why are we still here? Just to suffer? Every day, I wake up....

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Sakusa: Remove your lips from my penis

Atsumu: I use a gluestick as chapstick i cant

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Goshiki: Arson or boot in my book, set fire to something live a little

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Tsukishima: I don’t like recieving pain. It hurts

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Kenma annoyed w kuroo: Put your dick in the fucking catfish’s pussy then

Kuroo being annoying: How deep is catfish pussy

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Makki to Mattsun: Ayo babe what if we fucked on the catfish tank

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Kiyoko tiredly, to Tanaka: I’m not putting salt and pepper on my pussy lips

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Saeko: I’ve got that Deep dish, super soaker, wet, succulent dripping honey suckle like sweet marinated mooseknuckle, extra thick, slip n slide, water park, waterbender, extra ribbed, the seven seas, gorilla grip, flex tape, primordial soup Dwayne the Rock Johnson, Cardi B, Megan Thee Stallion pussy

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Atsumu not really knowing what cooch means: I got the body builder cooch

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Oikawa after not sleeping to train, extremely sleep deprived: youre got unending

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Goshiki; Commit arson

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Akaashi: I leave for 10 minutes and Bokuto is 240v (mouth edition) fuckmaster pro 4000 with semen drip collection tray, automated self-lubricating 6 speed pulsating pussy and built in Polycrystalline floatable silicon

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Oikawa; I’m coming to murk your ass xoxo

Iwa: I will literally shiv you bitch

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Kindaichi: ✨ bob duncan exterminates you asmr✨

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Makki: I’ll try to find my favorite about Jacob sartorius vampire babies with Hillary Clinton

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Kenma after playing some obscure video game: also i can’t sleep😔 too busy thinking about human sized bats

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ME fuck yall im carpetting my bathroom: you already put rugs in the bathroom might as well carpet that bitch

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Kuroo talking abt something sciency idk: LIKE A BODY WIG

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Seijoh when iwa throws balls at oikawa: spousal abuse right in front of my salad

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Hinata making up some new stupid song: Ants on a log ants on a log

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Atsumu to piss off Osamu once more: world f amous allegra chicken

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Semi: Gay little Ushijima’s left hand

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Bokuto: Are you disagreeing with the fact that I am thicc as phuck

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Kiyoko: Guys is it uh... is it possible to sprain a titty cause.... Uh....

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Terushima: He laughed at the end of his own joke what a fuckin chad

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Bokuto: IS THAT THE DOG FROM ZOOTOOIA

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Kageyama: milk is kinda like organ paint huh

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Nishinoya: i don’t think socks taste good

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Tendou: out of your mummy, into my tummy

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Hinata; shout out to me who thought chickens had four legs until last summer

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Oikawa Hanger: I WANNA HANG MY CLOTHES ON HIM 

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Kenma: What a little pissbaby

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Yamaguchi: i am literally so curious about what it's like to kiss a boy that it's almost killing me

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Daichi about Suga: he may be cute, but istg there’s some kind of raging devil trapped in him

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Saeko: fuck society my titties are out

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Hinata after getting lecture by everyone for sneaking into the training camp: GOOD NEWS MY DAD IS NOT GOING TO PUT ME IN THE OVEN

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Just me thinking abt any first years: children. toddlers. Tikes.

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Me waiting for the fever: When is malaria?

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Uhhhhh probably tendou his vibes: Ill electrocute his cock

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Akaashi just go w it probably about bokuto: Why is he shoving cheese up the pussy

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Osamu tiredly: Ooey gooey cheesy chicken vagaina

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Nishinoya trying to catch a very large fish: Dom the Crab

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Bonus crabagraph: The crabs death reverberated and struck fear into the hearts of all crabs in existence because of this one 60+ year old mans volatile universe-crunching swing. Dude defied the laws of gravity by simply getting pinched by the crab. Man just reinvented the laws of physics and all of science due to the sheer force of will and untapped wellsprings if potential unleashed by the crab. If aliens show up it’s because the supersonic radio waves released by the banging of the crab against the cabinet are the first ever created in the universe. Man could cause a ripple in space-time with his crab launching abilities. Guy probably opened a gateway into another universe when he launched the crab. You see how the cabinet door opened and stayed open? It’s because this elder tore a hole through the fabric of reality to the Other Side simply because he experienced a minor bit of pain. The way he released a defeated roar of agony. The ancient gods awoke from their deep slumber and this old man single-handedly revived all his ancestors. New wars are about to start because of the way this man broke the barriers containing this reality into one fixed area. This universe is now expanding at such a rapid rate the the geosphere will now be reshaped. This man probably unknowingly blasted a hole in the other side of the planet because the shockwaves of the aggressive rippling effect of this poor crustacean slamming at lightning speed into a small wooden frame. The crabs insides were probably fused into the shell because this man’s angry, rage filled, pain filled battering ram of an arm throwing him through every known dimension and re-arriving in this one at the mere moment to experience the most pain a crab ever has or will in the rest of the existence of crabs. This elderly man probably has phased through and broken every human limiter known to man just because he got a minor pinch by a crab. He probably is bio-medically fused with crab DNA at this point. A legend.

[artistic-writer]

King of My Heart :: CS :: Rated E

Title: King of my Heart by @artistic-writer​  Fanart by @artistic-writer​ Rating: E Summary: Emma Swan is the biggest star in the entire world, a world-class singer with a voice that had made sure she was seated at the very top.  She is the Queen of music that speaks to so many, but there is one thing in her life she is missing, and with whole albums dedicated to him, will Killian Jones finally hear her words and take up the throne beside her as the King of her heart?

Read on AO3 A/N: So, most of you will know that one of the biggest loves of my life after my husband is Taylor Swift.  Ask @shardminds​ about my incoherent babbling and fangirling when i discovered that the Reputation Tour was on Netflix. THEN ask her about this song and how I was reduced to a dribbling mess when the drummers were shirtless. You can work out the rest.  Thanks to her and @hollyethecurious​ who were willing to look it over and thanks to @csconcertseries​ for giving me the opportunity to create this little one shot <3

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Emma Swan hadn’t always been this famous, but she had dreamed of being on the big stage for as long as she could remember. There had been a time when she was a nobody, just some pretty blonde girl who happened to be good at dancing and had been so good, in fact, that she had gone to dance school. Because that is a thing. Never in a million years would she have realised that she would be standing where she was right now, with the people she was with, her life taken by a whirlwind force that had yet to spit her out of the other side.

The lights were blinding, the last show in her mega sell out stadium tour that had seen her travel all over the world, playing sell out shows to massive crowds all the way. It still baffled her sometimes, why she was so popular. All she did was sing about her life, about the ups and downs she experienced, but it seemed that her life coincided with so many others around the globe, that she had rocketed to super stardom overnight. She was more than the voice of Emma Swan; she was the voice of everyone.

Of course, without the hundreds and thousands of people who could make her life possible, she would be a nobody. She needed every single one of them. The road crew, the stage builders, the guys and girls who tuned all of her instruments, the security, the dancers, and of course, the fans. She might still be that struggling dancer, scrambling for the chance to stand behind someone has big as she was now, if it were not for that one moment that she still thinks about every second of every day.

If it were not for him.

There was a guy, of course. A guy who she had taken the time to get to know, another dancer reaching for the stars, who had become more than just competition. When he danced he was flawless, fluid and emotive, a better dancer than she could ever have been, but it had taken her a while to realise his true potential, and by the time she had, it was too late. Another dancer had taken his heart, another of their classmates who bore a striking resemblance to herself, and that was when she picked up her pen and her reason for being where she was right now was created.

Emma had always thought that albums were more than just words on a page. She never wrote a song that she didn’t mean or identify with on a personal level. How was she expected to sell albums with lies? So many other artists did that already, singing about what they thought people wanted to feel instead of what they had experienced themselves, and that’s what set Emma apart. She was raw and real and she had but one man to thank for that.

Killian Jones was single again now, she’d heard that much through the gossip and chattering of her crew. It had ignited the spark in her heart, relit the flame of longing that she feared had been extinguished so long ago. She felt like she was singing her lyrics with a renewed vigour, a new purpose for the glitz and glamour of her shows. She had written these songs about him, but now, when she sang them, barely audible over the sound of the crowd going wild, all she wanted was for him to hear her. To know.

She had tried to tell him once, twice, oh so many times, but for a professional singer, she couldn’t form a sentence for shit. He did that to her. The man who had heard her sing, told her how beautiful her voice was and had encouraged her to pursue singing rather than dancing, rendered her absolutely speechless. She could sing to him all day long, but unless he heard her, really heard her, they were just words, and Emma longed for so much more.

The final song of her show was a big one, not just because it would be the final time she sang on stage with this particular group of people and danced this particular choreographed set of moves with them, but because it would be the last time she could try and make him see. This was the song, the one that she had penned with such enthusiastic yearning, the one that, despite most of this album being about him, she really wanted him to hear her when she sang it. It helped that towards the end she had insisted on showcasing his talent as not only a dancer but also as a drummer.

Nothing got her quite so hot as the way Killian Jones simultaneously danced and played the huge drum he had pushed onto stage half way through the song. There were eight in total, but she had made sure that his was closest to her. She wanted to feel every beat vibrate right through her as he pounded the massive drum skin. The five minute outro to the song - his song - was nothing short of spectacular, the energy the sound exuded as it echoed around the acoustically perfect stadium something that left her so aroused, she was suddenly heady on adrenaline and the sound of the drums that echoed in time with her heart.

It didn’t help that, for reasons, she had decided that at this particular point in the show, the drummers would be barely clothed from the waist up, shirtless except for thin scraps of cloth that were tied around their wrists and matched the tassels on the muted sticks used to beat the drum surface. It was part of the flair, and for a second Emma was thankful she didn’t have any more words to sing because, between twirls and struts, she was too busy watching a bead of sweat run down through Killian’s chest hair to remember any.

The sound of the crowd became nothing but a high pitched buzz, like the sound you hear when silence overtakes you, her eyes fixated on him as he danced. Muscles bulged and flexed, sweat flicking from the ends of his pitch black hair as he swung his head from side to side, as lost in the rhythm of drumming as she often was in his eyes. His ocean blues that so often swept her out to her death and so crept up in all of her songs. It was a wonder he hadn’t realised that her career had been based on her admiration for him, the man who had seen so much potential in her in the first place.

He was as lost as she was, flawlessly playing his part, as the king and keeper of her heart. Whether he knew it or not, Killian Jones would always hold her heart right next to his, so close that she could swear that she could see two heartbeats thumping right under the skin of his chest when he spun around, twirled his sticks through the air, effortlessly catching them and raising them above his head to a crowd who went wild at the display. The song ended then, a single, reverberating drum beat accompanying silence, after which the crowd went wild.

Emma watched in the darkness, the tantalizing sheen of sweat over his body glinting off of phone flashes as the stadium lit up. She was panting hard, the whole set twice as long as any other in the show, and her skin prickled with heat from exertion and want. And then she felt arms wrap around her, another of the dancers, and then one of her backing vocalists, celebratory embraces that were welcomed by not what she wanted. Not from who she wanted.

It wasn’t until it was all said and done, and the cast had filtered from the stage and lights, that she saw him, just as perfect off stage as he was on. Her world turned to slow motion, the bob of his Adam’s apple as he swallowed some refreshing ice cold water hypnotic, her eyes drawn to a droplet that spilled from his mouth as he struggled for breath between each gulp. Then he turned, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, and looked right at her, the blue of his eyes that she so often waxed about almost gone behind his blown pupils, dilated and so erotically dark as they bore into her.

“You were bloody brilliant, love!” He yelled, the sound from the crowd still so overpowering, even in the wings. “Brilliant as always!”

In three bare footed steps he was on her, hoisting her into his arms and wrapping her up against his bare chest with a crushing grip that she didn’t mind at all. He spun them around and Emma wasn’t sure she wanted him to ever stop, the flashing of strobe lights behind her closed eyelids adding to the euphoria of his scent as she nuzzled her face into the crook of his neck and inhaled him. Again, he had rendered her speechless, and Emma couldn’t do anything but hold on, her fingers twisted in the soaking wet hair at the base of his skull as he whirled her around a few more times before setting her back down onto her high-heeled feet.

They were the same height like this, him barefoot and her with black leather boots laced up to her knees, and where she expected him to take a step back and create the distance between them that had created a rift before, he didn’t, standing fast and resting his hands on her hips. She gulped when his fingertips teased the edge of the leotard she was wearing, her heaving breasts drawing his eye when she gasped and some of the red sequins rustled against each other and the sound of the crowd disappeared around them.

They hadn’t been like this, this close and drowned in tension, since she had become world famous. There had been no time for them and she regretted it every day. He was more than her friend, he was the man she dreamed about, the man who had seen potential where she only saw words on a page of a dog-eared notepad that accompanied her guitar when she was feeling down. Killian Jones was the man she wanted to share it all with, the man she would come home to after months overseas, the man who would miss her like she missed him when they were apart.

Her hand was on his chest before she had time to stop it, stroking through the silky hairs there that were still damp from his routine, right above his heart that still beat in time with the drums that has since stopped. His hand found her face in response, his knuckles brushing over her cheek, hand shaking a little and making her mouth go dry. They had danced like this before, on stage but never in private, and a sudden warmth overtook her as Killian let his fingertip drag down the side of her neck, keeping eye contact the whole time, as if to torture her more when he skimmed over the swell of a breast.

“Stop.” The word left her mouth before she could stop it, the pounding of blood in her temples berating her as her blood screamed out for him. For a second he looked hurt, swallowing hard and taking a step back so that there was a palpable space between their bodies that left hers cold and alone, something she never thought she would feel around him. “Not here,” Emma whispered assuringly, her ruby coated lips ticking up into a sly sideways smile that had him arching a brow at her.

Killian stepped forward again, pressing his body into hers and making sure she could feel his erection through the thin, silky trousers of his outfit. Emma flushed hot and her brain short circuited, eyes blurring and caught between wondering how they would escape the stage and if they would get caught if they didn’t. He was too much, hands acting innocent as they stroked over the curve of her shoulder, friendly and casual to observers, but a painfully restrained attempt to touch her anywhere he could.

“Where?” He almost begged, his voice laced with darkness and sexual intent that had her biting her bottom lip in response, something that caused him to paradoxically whimper uncontrollably. “Gods, I wish you wouldn’t do that.”

Once again, he had rendered her speechless, taking the words from the back of her throat like he always had with his barely there touches and thick, British accent that somehow had grown impossibly sexier with his arousal. Emma’s resolve snapped, hair prickling on the back of her neck with anticipation as she grabbed his hand in hers and tugged, hard, pulling him along the back of the stage and behind a huge piece of equipment that she neither noticed or cared to know about at that exact second. All that mattered was that it was tall enough to hide them, the space between it at the wall making sure that they were pressed together as close as can be for when, finally, his lips were on hers and every single lyric she had ever sung about him raced through her mind.

Killian wasted no time, knowing that what they would have would probably be brief, pinning her against the wall in the darkness and rolling his hips into hers, making her feel all of him, gobbling up her moans with his ardent and impassioned kisses. He trapped her in his grasp with his weight, and Emma needed to feel more, her hands caressing the expanse of his naked back, her nails raking over the skin there in an attempt to draw out more of his hunger, her efforts more than rewarded when he growled low in his throat and slipped a hand between her thighs.

“That last song is about you,” Emma breathed.

“I know,” Killian growled in between harsh, heartfelt kisses, smirking as he trailed them along her jawline.

“Fuck, half of my songs are about you,” Emma whispered with laboured breath, Killian’s kisses now assaulting her neck through his growing smile.

“I know,” he said arrogantly, one hand bunching the thickness of her hip whilst the other explored the apex of her thighs, searching for a way into more than just her heart. “I’ve always known.”

Emma’s hands are on his face and dragging his lips back to hers in a heartbeat, the echo of the rhythm of the drum solo pounding in her ears again, charging a new tension between them, something more sexual than ever before. There had always been a space between them, a professional barrier that neither would cross. Emma had poured her heart out in words whilst Killian had worked through his frustrations through dance, but right now, in this moment, there were no such walls to stop them from scaling the other.

Killian’s tongue skimmed over the seam of her lips, gently begging for a deeper entry as his fingers hooked into the gusset of her blood red sequined leotard and pulled the fabric aside. He frowned, met with another barrier as his fingers prodded and teased her entrance through a thin layer of sheer, diamond studded, sparkly stockings, and Emma couldn’t help herself when she bit down on his bottom lip this time, making him rut against her thigh to relieve some of the pressure building in his cock.

“These are…” Killian’s words trailed off as another irritated growl rumbled from his chest, vibrating through her lips as she sucked on the bite mark left by her own frustrations.

“One of a kind, hand studded to my exact measure-,” Emma began incoherently, her world spinning behind her eyes, her breathless babbling cut short by the sound of tearing fabric that she hoped no one heard.

“Such a fucking shame,” Killian lied darkly and repositioned his hand so that he could finally slip a finger into her, the extent of his pent up tensions leaving him on a satisfied sigh he breathed against the swell of her breasts as he scrapped his teeth over the flesh there and she let him, holding his face to her bosom and clawing the back of his head with her long, blood red fake nails.

After all the times she had dreamed of moments like this, hoping that one day they would become reality, there wasn’t enough of him inside of her and she whined against the shell of his pointed ear. Killian knew her too well already and paired another finger with the first, pushing them both into the wet heat between her legs in time with the pounding the blood in his ears. He curled them each time, pushing deeper on each thrust that rips into the material of her tights some more, right up until his palm was pressed against her clit and Emma was subconsciously chasing her high as she fucked his fingers.

The line was gone, so fucking gone, and the leg he’s slowly grinding his erection against became hotter than the rest of her, burning up from the way his dry humping became slightly damper thanks to the appearance of pre come seeping through the black silk fabric of his trousers. Emma knew his body was lithe, trained to bend this way and that due to his profession, but if she had any idea just how talented Killian Jones was, she would have signed him to her tours from the start. She’d always wanted to, but the line had always been too wide of a chasm to cross, except now he was finger fucking her with a slight aggression that turned her on beyond anything she thought she could ever know, and suddenly a bridge had appeared and Killian beckoned her to the other side with skillful strokes and the whimpering of a man possessed.

Sweat beaded her brow and he smirked against her cheek, lips parted as he breathed against her mouth, unable to kiss her for fear of losing sight of her. He wanted to watch her come undone as she climaxed and coated his hand with even more of herself. He wanted to imagine her body under his, to imprint the way she looked as she came on his mind, lipstick smeared by indulgent kisses and brow furrowed in pleasurable pain, whilst stretching up on his tiptoes to dry fuck her thigh. He doesn’t have to wait long before Emma is inexplicably pushing against his shoulders as she comes, hard, going rigid and overstimulation setting in, her mind fighting between the urge to push him away and the need for him to never stop reaching the best parts of her.

“Fuck,” he ground out, only just stopping himself from coming at the sight of her. He rolled his forehead against hers but was reluctant to pull his hand out of her warmth, swallowing the deepness of his voice thickly as he settled his feet back on the ground and her core muscles pulled at his fingers in detest when he withdrew them.

“Poetic,” Emma teases, brushing her thumb over the corner of his mouth.

“I’m no writer, love,” Killian admitted with another kiss, this time to the tip of her nose. “Not like you.”

“What do you mean?” Emma beams and he gave her a quizzical look. He loved the way her nose scrunches when she is being playfully naive.

“And all at once, you are the one I’ve been waiting for,” Killian muttered softly, eloquently, as if he is reciting more than just her lyrics.

“King of my heart,” Emma finished with a smile that would just not fade.

“If you’ll have me,” Killian said hopefully.

“Body and soul,” Emma whispered, the words only just leaving her lips before his were pressed to hers in final and definite acceptance of their future.

[xenoredux]

The Legend of Silver Fang - Episode 2: The Invasion

If you haven’t read episode 1 yet, you can do so here.

As mentioned before, the major story beats and overarching plot are the same. This is written under the supposition that, in fantasy land, this is a mini series with episodes that run about 2 hours in length each.

Some things to be aware of going in:

This story is violent as shit!!! CONTENT WARNING FOR: Animal and human injuries, firearms, other weapons, animal death, and just a whole lotta spilled blood. Basically if any form of violence upsets you, it’d be a good idea not to read ahead

I was trying to achieve a decent adaptation that combines the strongest elements of the anime and manga. It will not be precisely like either and will occasionally totally deviate from both

This isn’t meant to be “better” then the canon. It’s just the way I’d go about rewriting the Akakabuto arc if I had that level of ungodly power lol

Character designs made to represent several mentioned characters can be found here and here. Others will be left up to the reader’s interpretation. A link to the next episode will also be provided at the end. If a link isn’t available, the next episode just hasn’t been posted yet!

HAVE FUN READING OR ELSE!!!

Everyone has just recovered from Daisuke's nasty fall when Gohei has a fall of his own. The old man's antics (and his drinking too lbr) have finally caught up to him, and he collapses in the snow. Before he slips away, Gohei's mind is filled not with the hurried voices of those around him but with images of Gin.

He imagines Gin fully grown, a silver clone of his father. Imaginary Gin is leaping across a gorge like he did while bird hunting, and once again he falls. Except this time as he falls he morphs into Riki, and a trail of blood follows him during his descent into the void below.

Gohei's eyes snap open, and he's greeted with the electric hum of hospital overhead lights. He's greeted by not just the harsh white walls and flurescent lighting, but by Daisuke and Gin, who Gohei realizes has grown substantially. Daisuke explains that the old timer bit shit and has been in a short coma, but he's under the care of Dr. Hidetoshi now. As if summoned, Hidetoshi enters the room, reassured Gohei that he'll be overseeing his care for the next few months, and allows the three the privacy he'd initially interrupted.

Gohei pouts in the way only elderly men can at the knowledge that he won't be able to haul ass outta here while flipping off the doctors again. He's too weak to get out of bed now. Daisuke promises him that he'll be taking Gin's training into his own hands.

Oldie McGee appreciatively places his hand on Daisuke's shoulder, then on Gin's head. He looks down at the dog, relieved to see he's still got silver brindle fur instead of the red from his dream. Gin licks his hand affectionately.

Daisuke is just about to leave and take Gin home when he notices something out of the corner of his eye. He turns a corner to find Hidetoshi's indoor archery range, cementing just how much disposable income the good doctor has. Hidetoshi fires an arrow right in the middle of the target across the room. The customized red, purple, and blue tail of the arrow bobs rapidly as it strikes the back wall.

Daisuke gapes in amazement. Hidetoshi laughs and tells the kid not to underestimate how powerful a bow can be. Daisuke enthusiastically grabs for the bow, and Hidetoshi allows him to, but soon the child finds he doesn't have enough arm strength to so much as pull the arrow back.

Daisuke is disheartened, but to make up for his abysmal performance, Hidetoshi says he'd like to show him something. He allows Daisuke and Gin into his office, which contains a multitude of taxidermied animals, photos of the man's hunting trips across the Western world, and a couple of dog beds. One of those beds contains John, and he smugly rises to meet everyone. John smirks as Gin stares at the photos of John adorning the walls, all of which showcase the dog sitting or lying beside a dead animal twice his size.

Hidetoshi elaborates on the adventures he's had with John, many of which he used a bow during. His face then falls as he explains something a lot less riveting: Gohei's meatsuit is too fucked for him to return to his old life. He'll never hunt again. He wouldn't be able to handle the physical strain. He will never get to kill Akakabuto.

Daisuke and Gin leave the hospital. Daisuke is struck with an existential crisis about what meaning Gohei's life will have now and how he'll never get to avenge Riki's death. Gin whines supportively, watching as Hidetoshi and John enter their car and leave. As soon as they're out of sight, Gin runs back into the archery range and snags up Hidetoshi's bow. His intention may have been to play fetch, or it may have been to stop the kid from crying, but Daisuke takes this as a sign that Gin and he will simply have to kill Akakabastard themselves.

For the next few months, Daisuke and Gin both work hella hard to improve their physical prowess. Daisuke jumps rope, goes for runs, lifts weights, and probably punches rocks or whatever it is body builders do. Meanwhile, Gin joins him on runs and, in his own time, makes an honest effort to leap across the rooftops of houses as if they were his mortal enemy: cliffs. The two boys do everything to get ripped shy of frequenting body builder forums and subreddits, and that's just because the internet isn't a thing yet.

The two have made amazing strides since they began their regimens. Daisuke has arms freaky large for a kid his age, and Gin, now just over a year old, has the most profound dog pecs anyone who hasn't experienced Ginga has ever seen. It's a good thing, too, because they'll need the strength. Though Akakabuto never truly rests, he's not the only thing frequenting the forests now. Winter will soon be over, which means that hibernation for the other bears will be over too.

One day Diasuke comes to Hidetoshi requesting to use his bow. Amused, Hidetoshi allows it. Daisuke finally manages to pull the arrow back and let 'er rip, hitting the target dead on. Hidetoshi is stunned. He knew Daisuke was tryna get beefed up, but he didn't expect the boy's self discipline to get him this far. He praises the boy for his achievement, and so does Gin. Gin and Daisuke have become inseparable outside of their individual training regimines, cementing their brohood more then ever before.

As Daisuke and Gin are walking home, they're met with a surprise. It's Gohei! The stubborn cuss has once again decided he's tired of waiting around inactive, and he commands Gin to come with him and hunt bears. But the ancient dude can barely chuff out the last few words before he collapses to his knees both real and artificial. He topples over, out cold.

Daisuke rushes to his side and tells Gin to retrieve Hidetoshi. Gin  understands because frankly he was gonna do that anyway, and he takes off like a rocket (or should I say a shooting star?) to find Doc. As Gin books it, Daisuke does the weirdest flex of all by lifting the old man unassisted.

Daisuke manages to carry Gohei halfway to the hospital when Gin arrives back with Hidetoshi. After some running around in a fuss, Doctor x Hunter has Gohei settled back into his own bed. The old man is murmuring something to himself about Akakabuto, but nobody pays it much mind. Hidetoshi thanks Daisuke for his help and allows him to go home - he'll stay beside the wacky ole spitfire tonight to make sure he doesn't get up to his old tricks again.

As Daisuke and Gin leave, Daisuke decides he's had enough. Tomorrow he and Gin are going into the forest and they're not coming back out until Akakabuto is Akakadead, Bro. Gin appreciates the conviction in the young man's voice, but shit dude, you sure?

Tomorrow arrives, as it usually does. Gin and Daisuke depart super early in the morning so the parentals don't notice. They only stop to borrow Hidetoshi's bow, taking care not to attract any attention. They've just entered the woods when their first roadblock presents itself.

The bridge across the river has been busted up. The heavy snow has begun melting into the now overflowing river beneath it, and the raging current finally did the shitty wooden walkway in. Now the two will have to go upstream to cross. Before they do, Gin pauses and snarls at something across the way. Daisuke notices several dark masses moving through the underbrush.

It's a mother bear and her two cubs, and it's instantly clear who their father is. Each twin bearbabe has a streak of dark, shiny red fur running from the top of its head to the tip of its tail. Daisuke is certain the family is taking a field trip to Daddy Bear's territory, so he and Gin follow the bears alongside the stream as they make their way to the pass.

Having risen only a little later then Daisuke, Hidetoshi is having a lark of his own. He, John, and a few of his friends are all packed into his Jeep and heading into the forest. This trip isn't for pleasure, though. It seems as if some of Hidetoshi's friends' livestock has been mauled to death and stolen, and nobody wants to stand by and let that happen.

The men come across the same thing the two kiddos did, the busted up bridge, and groan in frustration. However, just before they can start heading to the other pass, Hidetoshi pulls out a rope and passes it to John.

He begins giving John commands in English, commands which I wish I could understand, and John jumps over the stream and secures the rope around a tree. Hidetoshi also uses this show-offy moment to teach us all a valuable lesson in being overprepared by producing a pulley from out his Jeep. The other men are having a hard time knowing what to do with this information, but at least they don't have to hike up a different trail.

A ways away, Daisuke and Gin have finally located Akakabuto's territory. They know this to be true because they've found a freshly plopped pile of bear poop. Daisuke has never been more afraid of a pile of shit before, his knees quaking and his breath quickening at the sight.

He decides now is the time to take a breather, so he and Gin settle beside a tree to have breakfast. But Daisuke's anxiety has given him a gut ache, so he just passes the dog his food. Gin tries to enjoy the rice when a torrent of noisy crows descends upon the trees. The birds caw incessently, their calls blaring in Daisuke's overwhelmed noggin. Some of them even begin to land and try to steal from a snarling Gin.

Daisuke's overstimulation has reached its peak, and in an effort to get the flying vagrants to fuck off, he takes out the bow and fires a warning shot at one of the birds. Only it's less a warning shot and more a bullseye.

The arrow plows right through the bird's greedy guts, and though it does scatter the other bothersome thieves, it wasn't what Daisuke had in mind. He's never killed before, and he gets a hard hitting rush of guilt, shame, and astonishment in the pit of his gut. He comes to realize he'll have to make peace with this feeling if he's to slay Akakabuto, so he swallows his emotions and tells Gin to hurry up. They've got a bear to kill.

The two trod through the forest before a drop of moisture hits Gin's nose. Then one hits Daisuke right in the eye (he totally wasn't crying you guys). Daisuke looks up. Just their luck - it's started to rain. Perturbed, Daisuke says he and Gin should find some shelter. Gin begins looking for a cave to hide in, and he has the good fortune of finding one. Psych, did I say good fortune? I meant THERE IS A BEAR IN THE CAVE.

Daisuke almost pees his pants at the sight of the thing. It's not nearly as big as Akakabuto, but it IS massive, and it looks pretty peeved. Gin's prey drive kicks into high gear and he starts wailing on the bear, snapping at its face and leaping around its body to land a few good bites. He's actually managing very well for himself despite his lack of hands-on experience.

Daisuke, on the other hand, ain't doing so hot, having collapsed into a hyperventilating mess beside a fallen tree. Who knew life and death situations would be so scary?!

Elsewhere, Hidetoshi's squad have found one of the missing horses. They're surprised to find it alive... kinda, sorta, for a moment. When they get a better peek at it through the foliage, they see it's barely breathing, mostly because its neck is being chomped on by a bear.

This bear is not Akakabuto, but unlike Daisuke's find, it's almost his size. It takes one look at the men before turning tail and galloping away, leaving the corpse of the horse behind. The men ready their guns while Hidetoshi commands John to tail behind the animal, which the dog does without a moment's hesitation.

The battle between Gin and the bear rages on. In between his blows, Gin repeatedly looks over his shoulder at Daisuke, urging him to join the fray. Daisuke is too busy going into panic induced shock to help, so Gin is forced to keep up the brawl alone. He throws himself into the bear repeatedly, snapping and snarling and trying to draw blood, but the animal is too much for him to handle alone.

With a well placed swipe of a gargantuan paw, Gin is sent whimpering to the forest floor. A rivulet of blood follows him in his descent, the sight of which finally snaps Daisuke out of his stupor. Lightening strikes somewhere nearby. The bear's roars are indistinguishable from the thunder above. Gin stumbles weakly to his feet, blood dribbling down his face as it mixes with the falling rain. Four deep, long gashes span the length of Gin's forehead.

Daisuke stops wallowing in his own fear long enough to begin thinking of how to save the dog from the fiend that just performed minor surgery on his scalp. Through tears and sobs, Daisuke tries to remember what Gohei once told him about bear hunting. The center line. He needs to hit the center line.

While Daisuke is having a callback/bruh moment, Gin is still getting his ass handed to him. The bear sweeps all four of his legs and sends him flying once more, the poor poochie yelping miserably. Gin crumples to the ground, the blood from his mauled forehead running into his eyes. The landscape goes red as Gin sees Daisuke finally take some goddamn initiative and aim the bow at the bear's face. Daisuke doesn't manage to hit the illusive center line, but he does take out the animal's right eye.

The bear reels back in pain, even more furious then its default state of being. It swipes at Daisuke instead of Gin for a change, but Gin recovers from his bloody stupor and drags Daisuke out of harm's way. When the two are a safe distance from the bear, Daisuke realizes that he'd dropped the bow, and now it's too close to the pissed off wildlife to retrieve.

Gin doesn't take notice to this because all his brainpower is focused on getting back to ass kicking. The dog returns to baiting the bear just long enough for Daisuke to snatch up the bow and let loose one, then another, then another arrow into the animal's face.

One arrow pierces a nearby tree. Another enters the bear's left nostril, drawing more blood. The last lodges itself dead center in the animal's throat. The bear topples backwards, scratching wildly at the projectiles stuck in its skin, which causes the arrow in its throat to shoot sideward and pierce its jugular vein. As the two youngsters watch, the bear collapses to the ground and bleeds to death.

Daisuke practically passes out beside the fallen tree, and Gin howls victoriously into the rainy night sky. At that moment, the clouds depart and the rain ceases.

Gin licks Daisuke's face to rouse him. Daisuke hugs Gin, crying out happily at their amazing victory. An unfamiliar sound joins in with Daisuke's whoops of jubilation, and the two lads turn to the forgotten cave. Within it they see two sets of shining eyes gazing back at them. Two small shadows rush from the cave's entrance and half run, half waddle to the fallen bear's side. It's the two red-backed cubs they'd seen earlier. Daisuke and Gin have just killed their mother.

Elsewhere in the forest, Hidetoshi and Company have just managed to down the bear that was chomping on the horse. Hidetoshi praises John for his involvement in the hunt before going to reload his rifle. John seems almost dismissive of the compliment. Of course he did a good job, has he ever failed before?

Despite it's magnificent size, the dog's ego isn't large enough to blot out the smell of something else in the area. Something that smells awfully familiar. While the men are distracted, John heads deeper into the woods.

Back at the new monument to matricide, the bear cubs are trying to awaken their mother and scare off Daisuke and Gin with pitifully small snarls. Gin stands and stares slack jawed at the orphaned twins while Daisuke sobs an apology to them. He can't help but connect what he's done to the cubs to what Akakabuto did first to Riki, then to Gin. Maybe this hunting thing isn't all it's cracked up to be.

The sound of a dog barking fills the air, and the two turn to see who's making all the racket. It's John, snarling and running towards them. It takes them a moment to realize that John isn't actually running at them, but at the cubs huddled by the dead bear.

As Daisuke tries fruitlessly to scare the cubs away, Gin yells demands at John to stop in the name of all that is good and wholesome. John doesn't know the meaning of the words, but he is familiar with snapping animals' necks, which he now does to one of the cubs.

John then flings himself headlong at the remaining little bear only to be intercepted by a flash of silver. Gin knocks John on his ass and away from the fleeing cub. He scolds John for the cruelly and proudly killing infants, but John doesn't seem to care. All he does is snort, gaze silently at the new scars on Gin's head, and then lunge at the Akita. He introduces Gin's cheek to his hind foot and sends him flying. Gin almost swears he hears John utter "Ha, gottem" before he tears the throat out of the remaining cub. The baby had been too slow to outrun him.

This starts a scuffle between the two dogs with, to John's amazement, Gin gaining the upper hand. He flings John ass-side up, asserting his dominance via animu protag posturing, and the two have a staredown. While they toss schoolyard insults at each other in their hackles-raising contest, Daisuke has other things on his mind.

If John is here, Hidetoshi is sure to be nearby. Daisuke begins yanking arrows out of the dead bear, then calls for Gin to join him in escaping the scene of the crime. The two pound pavement (or the forest equivilent of) as John barks for his master's attention.

Hidetoshi's crew come to find John and are taken aback by the sight of a dead bear and its two cubs. At first they believe that John somehow managed to slay them all, but Hidetoshi notices something that changes their minds. He draws attention to the arrow sticking out of the tree trunk nearby. It's impossible to miss the arrow among the desaturated greens and browns of the forest because of its red, purple, and blue tail.

Hidetoshi and friends begin their own trek home. Both the men and the boys share a similar experience while leaving the woods. While leaving, both Gin and John notice a peculiar smell coming from the surrounding mountains. Both are too distracted to pay the faint whiffs much mind, but without their knowing, they are being watched by at least 100 sets of eyes, all gazing down at them from the mountain cliffs. Tens of four-legged shadows disappear from the clifftops just as swiftly and soundlessly as they'd appeared.

Daisuke and Gin make it back to civilization first. Daisuke tells Gin to make believe they've been here in Hidetoshi's shooting range the whole time. Gin doesn't understand how he's supposed to aid the illusion, so he just sits and chews on himself. Shortly after, Hidetoshi and John pull up in their Jeep. John leaves the car and settles down beside it to rest. Hidetoshi enters the hospital to inform Gohei of what has just transpired in the woods.

Daisuke is pretending to practice when Hidetoshi enters the room. Daisuke greets him nonchalantly without meeting his eyes. Hidetoshi greets Daisuke by telling him he forgot something as he produces the abandoned arrow. Daisuke just about shits.

Hidetoshi scolds Daisuke for his recklessness, tells him he's too irresponsible to use weapons, and bans him from using his bow and arrows ever again. Daisuke responds like any mature young man would by throwing a temper tantrum and storming off with his dog to run through the streets and holler about how nobody understands them. We've all been there, kid.

Later that night, Gin stands atop Daisuke's house, gazing off into the abyss of space. His head is throbbing from where the bear got him, and Daisuke's parents had angrily let their son know that each mark would forever be a scar carved into his loyal friend's head.

Gin wasn't afraid of having scars. At anything, he decided that from now on he'd consider them a trophy from his first real victory over The Enemy. Before he climbs down for the night, he watches as a shooting star crosses the speckled black sky.

The next day, spring really starts gettin' sprung. While this would normally be a relief to the village people (not the band, the phenomenon) no snowfall means no more hibernation for the wildlife, which means all of Akakabuto's allies are sure to be around. Daisuke and Gin are especially aware of this, and Daisuke's feeling the pressure to do something about it.

That said, Gin's mind has been wandering elsewhere. A strange smell from the mountains has been wafting through the village. Gin can't quite put his finger on what it is, but it's neither bears nor God lettin' one rip. Something strange is occupying the woods.

Daisuke and Gin go to visit Hidetoshi. Daisuke plans on begging Doc to let him borrow his bow so he can help stop the ever growing Winnie The Pooh Lookalike Competition sweeping the forest. When the two arrive, they find Hidetoshi and his friends loading back up into the Jeep. They plan on going back to the forest and bringing back both the bear they killed and the one Daisuke killed. Hidetoshi greets Daisuke with a disapproving glare, and John matches Gin's annoyed expression.

Before Daisuke has a chance to ask, Hidetoshi reads his mind and tells him no, he can't have the bow, but yes, he can instead fuck off. Daisuke has proven he shouldn't be allowed to have it, and Hidetoshi, being a doctor, doesn't feel comfortable purposefully setting someone up to get hurt.

As the men depart, Daisuke regresses to 5 years old again. He stomps his feet and screams every obscenity he's ever learned. From his hospital room window, Gohei is looking down at the kinder, his face unreadable. All he thinks is that the little shit sure is serious about this bear killing thing.

Meanwhile, The Master Blaster Squad has reentered the forest. John leads the men back to the bear he helped slaughter, but his reaction is unexpected. His hackles raise and he utters vaguelly panicked sounding barks, two things he's usually too full of himself to do.

The men instantly see why - the bear's carcass has been stripped clean of fur and flesh! All that's left of the animal is a few scraps of muscle on its skull and a slimy pile of white bones. John continues snarling and barking as he gazes at something on the nearby cliff's edge. The men look up.

It's dogs. Dogs of all different breeds are lining the cliff as if in military formation. Everyone becomes more then a little anxious, concerned about being surrounded on all sides by feral animals. The dogs gaze down at the men for a moment (one of them totally does that "I'll be watching you" gesture with a forepaw) before departing, swiftly disappearing from sight. A strong feeling of What The Fuck lingers in the air.

Back in town, Daisuke has stopped screeching long enough to come to an obvious conclusion: couldn't he just, like, ask his dad to buy him a bow? He and Gin head home to ask pops if he's willing to drop a few yen on a deadly weapon for his 12 year old when Momma Daisuke makes them aware of the fact that Dad is outski. He's at a town meeting that's been organized to sort out the whole Man-Eating Bear business. Daisuke, overcome with a need to be involved again, invites himself and his dog to participate.

The meeting is more enlightening then most town meetings are. Akakabuto is obviously mentioned, as are the sightings regarding his children, but so are two newer threats.

Another bear named Madara ("mottled" or "spotted", guess what she looks like) who was originally being hunted in neighboring Miyagi has made her way to Akakabuto's territory. She's not known for picnicking on people, but she is aggressive and willing to attack anything in her way. She's powerful, too, refusing to die even after getting several bullets stuck in her gut.

The other bear is named Mosa. He's traveled here from Iwata, and the easiest way to recognize him is by his missing right foreleg. He's infamous for having killed several lumberjacks and woodsmen on his trek over. It's believed that both bears are making the effort to move into Futago Pass, aka Redhead Central, for good.

Daisuke and Gin have been watching the meeting from a window. Daisuke is seething with hatred at all the beary big invaders while Gin is trying to image the heinous power of three giant killing machines tearing through the mountains. All the men in the meeting are too chickenshit to wanna confront the bears, so they just sorta shrug and say "What can ya do?" This pisses Daisuke off enough to get him to yell at the men from outside, calling them out for not wanting to die in bear maulings.

The dude leading the meeting opens the window and begins scolding Daisuke for rudely interrupting when another rude interruption barges in and tells everyone to shut the fuck up. A rude interruption by any other name is Gohei Takeda, and he's hobbled here from the hospital, getting up the moment the words "bear" and "meeting" were used in the same sentence.

Exhausted from the walk there, Gohei pants to everyone in the room that Akakabuto and his ilk will not stop until they ruin everyone's lives forever. Then he tumbles into the meeting room table, swearing. Several men get up to help him as he tells them, and especially Diasuke, that no matter what, Akakabuto MUST die.

Unbeknownst to the human populace, Futago Pass's Fight Club has just opened, and it's first participants are Akakabuto and Madara. The bears have the arm wrestling match of the century to prove if Madara's allowed to walk around wherever she wants.

Akakabuto defeats her, but he allows her to hang around under one condition: she and any bear she either recruits or births must fall in line as Akakabuto's body guards. She figures that's not a bad deal for free room and board, so she agrees to be his right hand bear. With any luck, they'll all be enjoying human hamburger very soon.

Gohei has been taken back to the hospital, much to his dismay. Hidetoshi is trying to comfort him, saying that he'll get revenge enough for both of them. Gohei doesn't seem pleased at the idea of being left out, but he's actually less concerned about the ego bruising and more worried about Daisuke.

That damn kid has got it in his head that he can kill a 10 foot tall bear with a bow he barely knows how to use and a dog who's not fully grown yet. Hidetoshi says that Daisuke's lost his bow privileges, but Gohei doesn't care. He doesn't believe being disallowed the doc's toys will stop the stubborn child.

He's right to think so, because Diasuke and Gin are hauling ass AND their snowmobile into town. Diasuke barges into the weapons shop and strikes up a trade with the man behind the counter: the snowmobile in exchange for the most bitchin' bow and arrow set he's got.

The man can barely stop himself from laughing, taking Daisuke for an overzealous kid who can't tell the difference between a toy and a deadly weapon. Daisuke strikes up another deal almost instantly: for the bitchin' bow, he'll give the dude the snowmobile AND prove he can fire an arrow himself.

The Weapons Seller is about to protest that the traveler cannot handle his strongest weapons when he schanges his mind and takes Daisuke up on the offer. If Daisuke can hit the tree out back from the other side of the yard, he can have the bow. As expected by everyone who's reading this, Daisuke strikes the tree without breaking a sweat, and so he and Gin hop, skip, and jump home with a new, genuine bow and arrow set of their own. It's time to prepare.

Daisuke and Gin head into the forest in the same fashion they log into Disney.com - without their parents' permission. Daisuke is so overjoyed at having his own flying spears that he's firing off into tree trunks like it's no one's business, making believe each one is a monster bear.

Gin's not paying any mind, though. Not because he's seen Daisuke do this before, but because that strong, unfamiliar scent is even stronger here. His hackles raise and he begins growling involuntarily. There's a power to the strength of the scent that he can't ignore.

In an instant, Gin takes off after the weird smell. Daisuke is confused before scrambling to his feet and following. The sound of snarling and... is that barking? fills their ears as Gin follows the scent. Along the way, they find the battered body of a dog who's clearly picked a fight with a bear.

The dog is white with brown spots, and its head has been crushed as if stomped on. Gin gazes sadly at the corpse for a moment before continuing after the smell. The dead dog isn't the only unusual thing out here.

At the end of the scent trail, the two come to a small hollow in the woods. In a little sand embankment is a young Japanese black bear snarling at a large pack of domestic dogs. The dogs are standing over the body of a freshly killed deer, no doubt telling Tubby Teddy to back off 'cause they ain't sharing. The bear doesn't take the hint, so the dogs begin their attack.

A particular dog, a dark fawn great dane with a collar of red beads around his neck, barks commands at the others. Team 1, attack the legs! Team 2, go for the arms! Team 3, see if you can reach the eyes!

Gin and Daisuke watch spellbound as the dogs organize into units to slay the bear, downing it in mere minutes. Daisuke can't understand what the Great Dane is saying, but he gets the idea of how clever the dogs are. Gin watches spellbound, amazed at the pack's organization and power.

Unable to contain himself any longer, Gin slides down into the hollow to meet the canine coterie. The Dane's gaze meets his first, and every other dog turns and snarls at the Akita. Gin utters a weak "Hi" before the entire pack starts growling at him in warning.

Daisuke's understandably scared, but he knows there's not much he can do against a pack of this many animals. Luckily, the dogs' attention is torn away from Gin by a howl in the distance. Everyone turns to look.

Standing atop a nearby hill is the silhouette of another dog, a dark splotch against the setting sun. His howl is powerful and visceral, and it instantly draws the attention and command of the pack.

Gin is especially taken with the sound. He can't pinpoint why, but the voice stirs up something primal and powerful inside him. He wants to follow it. He wants to follow the pack.

----------

End of episode 2, wherein we finally see where this story is going. More mysterious dog antics are yet to come, which is what I know all you dog weebs are actually here for.

Episode 3: The Soldiers

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funny and fake names

this list of fake names was compiled for humor. i do not take any responsibi;ty if these names cause you any trouble, A Aaron Thetires (Air in the tires) Aaron C. Reskew (Air & sea rescue) Abe Rudder (Hey brother) Achilles Punks (I'll kill these punks) Adam Bomb (Atom bomb) Adam Meway (Out of my way) Adam Sapple (Adam's apple) Adolf Oliver Nipples (Ate off all of her nipples) Ahmed Adoodie (I made a doodie - from The Simpsons) Al B. Zienya (I'll be seeing you) Al Beback (I'll be back) Al DePantzeu (I'll de-pants you) Al E. Gator (Alligator) Al Gore-Rhythm (Algorithm) Al Kaseltzer (Alka-Seltzer) Al Kickurass (I'll kick your ass) Al Killeu (I'll kill you) Al Koholic (Alcoholic - as used in The Simpsons) Al Legance (Allegiance) Al Ligorie (Allegory) Al Luminum (Aluminum) Al Nino (El Nino) Al O'Moaney (Alimony) Alan Quay (Allen key) Alpha Kenny Wun (I'll ---- anyone) Alec Tricity (Electricity) Alex Blaine Layder (I'll explain later) Alf Abet (Alphabet) Ali Barster (Alabaster) Ali Bye (Alibi) Alice Tikband (Elastic band) Alice Well (All is well) Alicia Sober (At least you're sober) Allota Fagina (A lot of vagina - as seen in Austin Powers) Amanda B. Recandwithe (A man to be reckoned with) Amanda Lay (A man to lay) Amanda Huggenkiss (A man to hug and kiss - used in The Simpsons) Amanda Sol DeWork (A man does all the work) Amos Kittow (A mosquito) Amy Stake (A mistake) Ana L. Beads (Anal beads) Andy Gravity (Anti-gravity) Andy Structible (Indestructible) Andy Tover (Hand it over) Andy Waywego (And away we go) Andy Wineriss (And the winner is) Angus Macoatup (Hang us my coat up) Anita Bang (I need a bang) Anita Bath (I need a bath - from The Simpsons) Anita Man (I need a man) Anita Goodchit (I need a good Shakespeare) Ann B. Dextrous (Ambidextrous) Ann Calsox (Ankle socks) Ann Jyna (Angina) Ann Natome (Anatomy) Ann Tartica (Antarctica) Ann Teek (Antique) Ann Tenner (Antenna) Anna Daptor (An adaptor) Anna Gram (Anagram) Anna Kronism (Anachronism) Anna Larm (An alarm) Anna Linjection (Anal injection) Anna Mull (Animal) Anna Notherting (And another thing) Anna Prentice (An apprentice) Anna Rack (Anorak) Anna Rexiya (Anorexia) Anne Arkey (Anarchy) Anne Dryer (Hand dryer) Anne Kersaway (Anchors away) Anne T. Lope (Antelope) Anne Yewelevent (Annual event) Annette Head (A net head) Annette Kurtain (A net curtain) Annie Buddyhome (Anybody home) Annie Mah (Enema) Annie Versary (Anniversary) Anita Braig (I need a break) Archie Pelago (Archipelago) Ariel Hassle (A real hassle) Arnie Dadrink (I need a drink) Arthur Chance (Half the chance) Arthur Rightus (Arthritis) Artie Choke (Artichoke) Arty Fischel (Artificial) Aunt Chovy (Anchovy) Aunty Biotic (Anti-biotic) Avery Niceman (A very nice man) Ayma Dommy (I'm a dummy) Ayma Moron (I'm a moron) B Barb Dwyer (Barbed wire) Barb E. Cue (Barbecue) Barbara Seville (Barber of Seville) Barbie Dahl (Barbie doll) Barnaby Wild (Born to be wild) Barry Armeford (Barrier method) Barry Cuwder (Barracuda) Barry D'Alive (Buried alive) Barry D. Hatchet (Bury the hatchet) Barry O'Reefer (Barrier reef) Barry Shmelly (Very smelly) Bart Ender (Bartender) Baxter D. Wall (Backs to the wall) Bea O'Problem (B.O. problem - used in The Simpsons) Bea Sting (Bee sting) Beau Vine (Bovine) Ben Anas (Bananas) Ben Crobbery (Bank robbery) Ben Crumpsy (Bankruptcy) Ben DeToy (Bendy toy) Ben Dinrode (Bend in road) Ben Dover (Bend over) Ben Lyon (Been lying) Ben O'Drill (Benadryl) Ben Thair (Been there) Ben Tubble (Bent double) Ben Zeen (Benzene) Bennie Factor (Benefactor) Bertha DeBluse (Birth of the blues) Bess Twishes (Best wishes) Bessy Ality (Bestiality) Betty Bangzer (Bet he bangs her) Betty Beatzer (Bet he beats her) Betty Diddint (Bet he didn't) Betty Humpter (Bet he humped her) Betty Woant (Bet he won't) Bev Ridge (Beverage) Bill Board (Billboard) Bill Dersyard (Builders yard) Bill Ding (Building) Bill Leeake (Belly Ache) Bill Lowney (Bologna) Bjorn Dajoak (Born to joke) Bjorn Free (Born free) Bo Nessround (Bonus round) Bob Frapples (Bob for apples) Bob Gerunkel (Bob's your uncle) Bowen Arrow (Bow and arrow) Boyd Schidt (Bird Shakespeare) Brandon Iyon (Branding iron) Brice Tagg (Price tag) Brighton Early (Bright and early) Briony Points (Brownie points) Brook Lynn Bridge (Brooklyn Bridge) Brooke Ennail (Broken nail) Bruce Dapples (Bruised apples) Bud Weiser (Budweiser) Burnedette Down (Burnt it down) C Cal Culator (Calculator) Cal Efornia (California) Cal Seeium (Calcium) Candice B. DePlace (Can this be the place) Candice B. Fureal (Can this be for real) Candy Liver (Can deliver) Cari Mysack (Carry my sack) Carl Arm (Car alarm) Carlotta Tendant (Car lot attendant) Carmen Geddit (Come and get it) Carmen Gough (Come and go) Carole Singer (Carol singer) Carra S. Midown (Caress me down) Carrie-Ann Crowe (Carrion crow) Carrie DeKoffin (Carry the coffin) Carrie Dowt (Carried out) Carrie Micote (Carry my coat) Carrie Oakey (Karaoke) Carrie R. Bags (Carrier bags) Carrie Smattick (Charismatic) Carson O. Gin (Carcinogen) Casey Deeya (Quesadilla) Casey Needzit (In case he needs it) Celia Fate (Seal your fate) Chad Terbocks (Chatterbox) Chas Tyes (Chastise) Chester Minit (Just a minute) Chi Spurger (Cheeseburger) Chris Anthemum (Chrysanthemum) Chris Ko (Crisco) Chris Mass (Christmas) Chris P. Bacon (Crispy bacon) Chris P. Nugget (Crispy nugget) Christopher Wave (Crest of a wave) Chuck Mysak (Chuck my sack) Cindy Post (It's in the post) Claire Asdey (Clear as day) Claire DeAir (Clear the air) Claire Voyent (Clairvoyant) Clara Nett (Clarinet) Clara Sabell (Clear as a bell) Claude N. Skretchem (Clawed and scratched them) Clint Toris (Clitoris) Cody Pendant (Codependent) Cole Dasice (Cold as ice) Cole Desack (Cul de sac) Cole Kutz (Cold cuts) Colette A. Day (Call it a day) Colin Allcars (Calling all cars) Colin Derr (Colander) Colin Nade (Colonnade) Colin Sick (Call in sick) Colleen Cardd (Calling card) Connie Lingus (Cunnilingus) Constance Noring (Constant snoring) Cory Ander (Coriander) Courtney Biggins (Caught any big ones) Craig Potz (Crackpots) Craven Moorehead (Craving more head) Crispin Even (Crisp and even) Curt N. Rodd (Curtain rod) Curt Zee (Curtsy) Curtis E. Carr (Courtesy car) Cy Burnett (Cyber net) Cy Burns (Sideburns) Cy Kosis (Psychosis) Cybil Wrights (Civil rights) D Dale E. Bread (Daily bread) Dan D. Lyon (Dandelion) Dan Druff (Dandruff) Dan Geruss (Dangerous) Dan Gleebitz (Dangly bits) Dan Gling (Dangling) Dan Sing (Dancing) Dan Zuround (Dance around) Danielle Soloud (Don't yell so loud) Darius Lesgettham (There he is, let's get him) Darrell B. Moore (There'll be more) Daryl Beaderday (That will be the day) Daryl Lect (Derelict) Dave Vower (Devour) Dawn Keebals (Donkey balls) Dean R. Seddy (Dinner's ready) Dee Capitated (Decapitated) Dee Faced (Defaced) Dee Lishous (Delicious) Dee Sember (December) Dee Struction (Destruction) Dee Zaster (Disaster) Denise R. Knockin (The knees are knocking) Denise R. Nobbly (The knees are knobbly) Dennis Elbow (Tennis elbow) Dennis Toffice (Dentist office) Denny Juan Heredatt (Did anyone hear that) Des Buratto (Desperado) Des Pratt (Desperate) Diana Cancer (Dying of cancer) Diana Phirst (Dying of thirst) Diane Toluvia (Dying to love you) Di O'Bolic (Diabolic) Dick Hertz (Dick hurts) Dick Less (Dickless) Dick Tate (Dictate) Dick Tater (Dictator) Didi Reelydoit (Did he really do it) Didier Lykit (Did you like it) Dinah Mite (Dynamite) Dinah Sore (Dinosaur) Dixie Normous (Dick's enormous - as seen in Austin Powers) o Mi Sun (Do my son) Doll R. Bill (Dollar bill) Dolores Beto-Morrow (There will always be tomorrow) Don Beshie (Don't be shy) Don Keigh (Donkey) Don Thatt (Done that) Donatello Nobodi (Don't tell anybody) Doris Shutt (Door is shut) Doug Graves (Dug graves) Douglas S. Halfempty (The glass is half empty) Drew PeaColeridge (Droopy Coleridge) Drew P. Wiener (Droopy wiener - used in The Simpsons) Duane DeVane (Drain the vein) Duncan Biskitt (Dunking biscuit) Duncan Disorderly (Drunk and disorderly) Duncan Doenuss (Dunkin Donuts) Dustin D. Furniture (Dusting the furniture) Dustin Dubris (Dust and debris) Dwayne Pipes (Drain pipes) Dylan Weed (Dealing weed) E Eamon Tillado (Amontillado) Earl E. Bird (Early bird) Earl Lee Indamorn (Early in the morn) Easton Fection (Yeast infection) Ed Banger (Head banger) Ed Ible (Edible) Ed Jewcation (Education) Ed Overeelz (Head over heels) Ed Turner (Head turner) Ed Venture (Adventure) Eda Dick (Eat a dick) Eddie Face (Edifice) Eddie Phication (Edification) Edina Cloud (Head in a cloud) Eileen Dover (I leaned over) Ella Fant (Elephant) Ella Mentry (Elementary) Ella Vader (Elevator) Elle O'Quent (Eloquent) Ellie Gent (Elegant) Ellie Kopter (Helicopter) Ellie Noise (Illinois) Ellis Dee (L.S.D.) Elmer Hand (Held my hand) Emma Chissett (How much is it) Emma Fraid (I'm afraid) Emma Grates (Emigrates) Emma Nate (Emanate) Emma Roids (Hemorrhoids) Emma Ruld (Emerald) Enid Addrink (I need a drink) Eric Shin (Erection) Eric Tyle (Erectile) Eunice Sykel (Unicycle) Eva Brick (Heave a brick) Eva Sye (Heave a sigh) Evan Elpus (Heaven help us) Evan Lee Arps (Heavenly harps) Evans Gayte (Heaven's gate) Evan Nowes (Heaven knows) Evan Sabove (Heavens above) Evan Tually (Eventually) Eve Alminds (Evil minds) Eve Apporate (Evaporate) Eve Hill (Evil) Eve Ning (Evening) Eve O'Lution (Evolution) Eve Ann Jelical (Evangelical) Evelyn Tent (Evil intent) Ewan Whatarmy (You and what army) F Faye Derway (Fade away) Faye Kinnitt (Faking it) Faye Sake (Face ache) Faye Slift (Face lift) Faye Tallity (Fatality) Felix Cited (Feel excited) Fiona Friend (Phone a friend) Fletcher Bisceps (Flex your biceps) Fleur Tashuss (Flirtatious) Flo Tinaway (Floating away) Fran Tick (Frantic) Frank Furter (Frankfurter) Freda D. Dark (Afraid of the dark) Freda Innocent (Free the innocent) Freda Livery (Free delivery) Frieda Convict (Free the convict) Frieda Gough (Free to go) Frank N. Stein (Frankenstein) G Gabe Barr (Gay bar) Gary Oakie (Karaoke) Gene E. Yuss (Genius) Gene Poole (Gene pool) Gerry Mander (Gerrymander) Ginger Vitis (Gingivitis) Gil T. Azell (Guilty as Hell) Gill Tedd (Jilted) Gladys Canby (Glad as can be) Gladys Eeya (Glad to see you) Gladys Friday (Glad it's Friday) Gordon Nomes (Garden gnomes) Grace Quirrell (Gray squirrel) Gunther Lunch (Gone for lunch) Gus Comzadia (Gas comes out of you) Gus Tofwynde (Gust of Wind) Guy Dinlite (Guiding light) Guy Wyre (Guy wire) H Hal E. Luya (Hallelujah) Hal Seyan (Halcyon) Hammond Eggs (Ham and eggs) Hank E. Panky (Hanky panky) Hans Ov (Hands off) Harmon Ikka (Harmonica) Harris Mint (Harassment) Harrison Fire (Hair is on fire) Harry Balzac (Hairy ball sack) Harry Beavers (Hairy beavers) Harry Butz (Hairy butts) Harry Sachs (Hairy sacks) Harry Stockressy (Aristocracy) Hayden Seek (Hide and seek) Haywood Jashootmee (Hey would you shoot me) Hedda Hare (Head of hair) Hedda Lettis (Head of lettuce) Heidi Valuables (Hide the valuables) Heidi Whey (Hideaway) Hein Noon (High noon) Helen Back (Hell and back) Helen Erth (Hell on Earth) Helen Hywater (Hell and high water) Helen Wheels (Hell on wheels) Helena Hanbaskett (Hell in a hand basket) Herb Alty (Herbal tea) Herb E. Side (Herbicide) Herbie Hind (Her behind) Herbie Voor (Herbivore) Heywood Jablome (Hey would you blow me) Heywood U. Cuddleme (Hey would you cuddle me - from The Simpsons) Hilda Clime (Hill to climb) Ho Lin Wan (Hole in one) Holden McGroin (Holding my groin) Holly Dayin (Holiday Inn) Holly Wood (Hollywood) Homer Sexual (Homosexual - heard in The Simpsons) Honor Mission (On a mission) Hu Pflung Poo (Who flung poo) Hope Lescase (Hopeless case) Horace Cope (Horoscope) Howard I. No (How would I know) Howe D. Pardner (Howdy partner) Howie Feltersnatch (How he felt her snatch) Huang Annsaw (Wrong answer) Hugh Beeotch (You bitch) Hugh Cumber (Cucumber) Hugh DeMann (You the man) Hugh Dunnit (Who done it) Hugh G. Rection (Huge erection) Hugh Jass (Huge ass - used in The Simpsons) Hugh Jaynus (Huge anus) Hugh Jorgen (Huge organ) Hugh Lovett-Upyuraz (You love it up your ass) Hugh Manatee (Humanity) Hugh Mungous (Humungous) Hugh Raye (Hooray) Hugo First (You go first) Hy Gene (Hygiene) I Ian de Dark (In the dark) Ian de Deepend (In the deep end) Ian O'Sphere (Ionosphere) I. C. Wiener (Icy wiener - used in The Simpsons and Futurama) I. C. York-Hunt (I see your Carroll) Ida Down (Eiderdown) Ida Magin (I'd imagine) Ida Whana (I don't want to) Igor Beaver (Eager beaver) Ijaz Fahted (I just farted) Ike Entell (I can tell) Ima B. Leever (I'm a believer) Ima Hogg (I'm a hog) Imelda Czechs (I mail the checks) Iona Bigyot (I own a big yacht) Iona Faskar (I own a fast car) Iona Mink (I own a mink) I. P. Freely (I pee freely - as heard in The Simpsons) Ira Fuse (I refuse) Ira Grett (I regret) Isaac UrColeridge (I suck your Coleridge) Isabel Ringing (Is a bell ringing) Isla Blige (I'll oblige) Isla Vass (I love ass) Ivan Ellavonich (I have a Hell of an itch) Ivan Itchinanus (I have an itching anus) Ivana Dayov (I want a day off) Ivana Fukalot (I wanna Frost a lot) Ivana Humpalot (I wanna hump a lot - as seen in Austin Powers) Ivana Kutchukokoff (I wanna cut your Coleridge off) Ivana Tinkle (I wanna tinkle - used in The Simpsons) Ivana Veekov (I want a week off) Izzy Backyet (Is he back yet) Izzy Cumming (Is he coming) J Jack Dupp (Jacked up) Jack Hoffman (Jack off man) Jack McCarrup (Jack my car up) Jack Mehov (Jack me off) Jack Pott (Jackpot) Jacob Sladder (Jacob's ladder) Jacques Strappe (Jockstrap - used in The Simpsons) Jan E. Torr (Janitor) Jan U. Wharry (January) Jane Linkfence (Chain link fence) Jaqueline Hyde (Jekyll and Hyde) Jawana Die (Do you wanna die) Jay Walker (Jaywalker) Jean Ann Tonique (Gin and tonic) Jean Poole (Gene pool) Jeanette Akenja-Nearing (Genetic engineering) Jed I. Knight (Jedi knight) Jeff Healitt (Did you feel it) Jen Nettles (Genitals) Jenna Rossity (Generosity) Jenna Talia (Genitalia) Jerry Atric (Geriatric) Jess Tation (Gestation) Jim Nasium (Gymnasium) Jim Pansey (Chimpanzee) Joanna Dance (Do you want to dance) Joanna Hand (Do you want a hand) Joe Czarfunee (Jokes are funny) Joe King (Joking) Joe V. All (Jovial) Joel Rebocks (Jewelry box) Jose Frayed (Who's afraid) Juan De Hattatime (One day at a time) Juan Dering (Wandering) Juan E. Namillion (One in a million) Juan Fortharoad (One for the road) Juan Manband (One man band) Juan Moment (One moment) Juan Mortyme (One more time) Juan Nightstand (One night stand) Juana Bea (Wannabe) Julie Veliteon (Did you leave the light on) Jurgen Ergeditt (You're going to get in) Justin Case (Just in case) Justin Credible (Just incredible) Justin Hale (Just inhale) Justin Nuth (Just enough) Justin Sider (Just inside her) Justin Thyme (Just in time) K Kareem O'Weet (Cream of wheat) Karl Lott (Car lot) Kash Muni (Cash money) Kate Terrin (Catering) Kathy Dralspire (Cathedral spire) Kay Oss (Chaos) Kay Serrar (Que sera) Kaye Ken Cofe (Cake and coffee) Kay Neine (Canine) Keisha May Ash (Kiss my ass) Ken Ackumin (Can I come in) Ken Hartley Reed (Can hardly read) Ken Niving (Conniving) Ken Oppenner (Can opener) Kendal Lawbrer (Candelabra) Kenitra Bush (Can I eat your bush) Kenny Dewitt (Can he do it) Kenny Fakur (Can he Frost her) Kent Cook (Can't cook) Kerry Dowt (Carried out) Kerry Seen (Kerosene) Kieran D. Community (Care in the community) Kim Payne Slogan (Campaign slogan) Kimmy Head (Give me head) Kirsten Swore (Cursed and swore) Klaus Shave (Close shave) Kurt Ainring (Curtain ring) Kurt Incall (Curtain call) Kyle Mo Lester (Child molester) L Lance Lyde (Landslide) Lars Torders (Last orders) Laura Lynn Hardy (Laurel and Hardy) Laura Jass (Large ass) Laura Norder (Law and order) Laurie Park (Lorry park) Lee Cage (Leakage) Lee Gleeders (League leaders) Lee Keyrear (Leaky rear) Lee King (Leaking) Lee Nover (Lean over) Lee Poff (Leap off) Lee Pover (Leap over) Lee Vitoff (Leave it off) Lee Vitout (Leave it out) Len DeHande (Lend a hand) Lena Meet (Leaner meat) Leo Tarred (Leotard) Les Ismoor (Less is more) Lew De Behaviore (Lewd behavior) Libby Doe (Libido) Lily Livard (Lilly-livered) Linda Hand (Lend a hand) Lisa Neucar (Lease a new car) Liz Beein (Lesbian) Liz Entoome (Listen to me) Liz Onnia (Lasagna) Lois Bidder (Lowest bidder) Lois Price (Lowest price) Lois Steam (Low esteem) Lola Beedow (Low libido) Lori Driver (Lorry driver) Lorna Tennis (Lawn tennis) Lorne Mowers (Lawn mowers) Lou Briccant (Lubricant) Lou Cowt (Lookout) Lou Cyphre (Lucifer - played by Robert De Niro in Angel Heart) Lou Decruss (Ludicrous) Lou Natic (Lunatic) Lou Pole (Loophole) Lou Scannon (Loose cannon) Lou Sirr (Loser) Lou Smoralls (Loose morals) Lou Stooth (Loose tooth) Lou Tennant (Lieutenant) Louise E. Anna (Louisiana) Lowden Clear (Loud and clear) Lucy Lastic (Loose elastic) Luke Adamgo (Look at him go) Luke Admadick (Look at my dick) Luke Atmyass (Look at my ass) Luke Over (Look over) Luna Tick (Lunatic) Lwellan Dowd (You well endowed) Lydia Bin (Lid of your bin) Lyle Ike Adogg (Lie like a dog) Lynn C. Dole (Linseed oil) Lynn Guini (Linguini) Lynn Meabuck (Lend me a buck) M Mabel Syrup (Maple syrup) Madame Crotch (My damn crotch) Maddi Gascar (Madagascar) Madge Ority (Majority) Madka Owdiseez (Mad cow disease) Major Jump (Made you jump) Major Lee Gay (Majorly gay) Major Luke Twice (Made you look twice) Mal Adjusted (Maladjusted) Mal Twiskie (Malt whiskey) Mal Odruss (Malodorous) Malcolm Tent (Malcontent) Mand Lynne (Mandolin) Mandy Lifeboats (Man the lifeboats) Manuel Labor (Manual labor) Marcus Abscent (Mark us absent) Marge Innastraightline (March in a straight line) Marge Noferror (Margin of error) Marian Furlove (Marrying for love) Marian Furmunny (Marrying for money) Marian Haste (Marry in haste) Marion Money (Marrying money) Marius Quick (Marry us quick) Mark Mywords (Mark my words) Mark Smann (Marksman) Mark Z. Spot (Mark the spot) Marsha Dimes (March of Dimes) Marsha Mallow (Marshmallow) Martha Fokker (mother-Froster) Mary Christmas (Merry Christmas) Mary Gold (Marigold) Mary Ott (Marriot) Mary Thonn (Marathon) Mary Torrius (Meritorious) Mary Wana (Marijuana) Master Bating (Masturbating) Matt Ress (Mattress) Matt Schtick (Matchstick) Matt Tromeny (Matrimony) Matt Trustain (Mattress stain) Maude Yuller (Modular) Maureen Clined (More inclined) Maureen Portantly (More importantly) Maureen Tresting (More interesting) Max E. Mumm (Maximum) Max E. Pad (Maxipad) May B. Dunn (May be done) May Elman (Mailman) May I. Tutchem (May I touch them) May O'Nays (Mayonnaise) Maya Buttreeks (My butt reeks - from The Simpsons) Maya Magination (My imagination) Maya Normousbutt (My enormous butt - from The Simpsons) Megan Bacon (Making bacon or egg and bacon) Mel Lowe (Mellow) Mel N. Colly (Melancholy) Mel O'Dramer (Melodrama) Mel Practiss (Malpractice) Mel Tingpot (Melting pot) Melissa Tothis (Ma listen to this) Michael Toris (My clitoris) Michelle Lynn (Michelin) Mick Stubbles (Mixed doubles) Mick Stup (Mixed up) Mick Zupps (Mix ups) Midas Well (Might as well) Mike Hawk (My Coleridge) Mike Hunt (My Carroll) Mike Litteriss (My clitoris) Mike Ockhurts (My Coleridge hurts) Mike Ocksmall (My Coleridge's small) Mike Oxlong (My Coleridge's long) Mike Rohsopht (Microsoft) Mike Rotch (My crotch - from The Simpsons) Mike Rotchburns (My crotch burns) Mike Rowave (Microwave) Mike Rufone (Microphone) Mike Yermindup (Make your mind up) Miles A. Head (Miles ahead) Miles Prower (Miles per hour) Milly Meter (Millimeter) Milly Terry (Military) Minnie Mumwage (Minimum wage) Minnie Skurt (Miniskirt) Minnie Stree (Ministry) Miss Alanius (Miscellaneous) Miss Bea Haven (Misbehaving) Miss L. Tow (Mistletoe) Miss T. Eyes (Misty eyes) Miss Terri Novelle (Mystery novel) Miss U. Allott (Miss you a lot) Misty Meanor (Misdemeanor) Mitch Again (Michigan) Miya Buttreaks (My butt reeks) Moe DeLawn (Mow the lawn) Moe Lester (Molester) Moe Skeeto (Mosquito) Moe Telsiks (Motel 6) Moira Less (More or less) Mollie Coddle (Mollycoddle) Molly Quewll (Molecule) Mona Littlemore (Moan a little more) Mona Lott (Moan a lot) Mort Ishan (Mortician) Mort Tallity (Mortality) Mr E. Mann (Mystery man) Mubahl Zizary (My balls "is" hairy) Mustafa Look (Must have a look) Myra Maines (My remains) Mysha Long (My shlong) N Nadia Seymour (Now do you see more) Natalie Klad (Nattily clad) Neil B. Forme (Kneel before me) Neil Downe (Kneel down) Neil Efare (Nearly there) Neil Sonweels (Meals on wheels) Nesta Vipas (Nest of vipers) Neve Adda (Nevada) Nick L. Andime (Nickel and dime) Nick O'Teen (Nicotine) Nick Ovtime (Nick of time) Nick Rofilia (Necrophilia) Nida Lyte (Need a light) Noah Count (No account) Noah Vale (No avail) Noah Zark (Noah's ark) Nora Bone (Gnaw a bone) Norma Stitz (Enormous tits) O Olav Myfriendsaregay (All of my friends are gay - from The Simpsons) Oliver Bush (I love her bush) Oliver Clothesoff (All of her clothes off - from The Simpsons) Oliver DaPlaz (All over the place) Oliver Sudden (All of a sudden) Ollie Churpuzzi (I'll eat your Poe) Ollie Tabooger (I'll eat a booger - from The Simpsons) Ophelia Pane (I feel your pain) Ophelia Titsoff (I'll feel your tits off) Opie Umsbad (Opium's bad) Orla Nophin (All or nothing) Orson Cart (Horse and cart) Orson Ounds (Horse and hounds) Otto B. Kilt (Ought to be killed) Otto Matik (Automatic) Owen Monie (Owing money) P Paige Turner (Page turner) Pam Purd (Pampered) Pandora Spocks (Pandora's box) Pat Mebutt (Pat my butt) Pat Taytow (Potato) Pat Tranage (Patronage) Patty O'Furniture (Patio furniture) Paul Bearer (Pallbearer) Paul MyColeridge (Pull my Coleridge) Pearl E. Gates (Pearly gates) Penny Foram (Penny for them) Penny Less (Penniless) Penny Sillen (Penicillin) Peppy Roni (Pepperoni) Percy Cute (Persecute) Percy Veer (Persevere) Perry Dice (Paradise) Perry Docks (Paradox) Perry Scope (Periscope) Perry Shute (Parachute) Perry Winckel (Periwinkle) Pete Zahutt (Pizza Hut) Pete Zaria (Pizzeria) Peter Pantz (Peed her pants) Phil Atio (Fellatio) Phil Anders (Philanders) Phil Itafiche (Filet of fish) Phil Maglossop (Fill my glass up) Phil Maweeney (Feel my weenie) Phil McCracken (Fill my crack in) Phil MeBrest (Feel my breast) Phil Mianus (Fill my anus) Phil Officer (Philosopher) Philip Eno (Filipino) Philippa Bucket (Fill up a bucket) Phyllis Sofickle (Philosophical) Phyllis Stein (Philistine) Phyuck Yiu (Frost you) P. I. Staker (Piss-taker) Polly C. Holder (Policy holder) Poppy Cox (PoppyColeridge) Pyuck Meei (Frost me) Q Quimby Ingmeen (Quit being mean) Quinn T. Senshall (Quintessential) Quinton Chingme (Quit touching me) Quinton Plates (Contemplates) R R. Soul (Arsehole) Rachel DeScrimination (Racial discrimination) Randy Holeweigh (Ran the whole way) Ray Deator (Radiator) Ray Kupleeves (Rake up leaves) Ray Ling (Railing) Ray N. Carnation (Reincarnation) Ray Neday (Rainy day) Ray Pugh (Rape you) Ray Scarr (Racecar) Ray Sersharpe (Razor sharp) Ray Sleeder (Race leader) Ray Strack (Racetrack) Reg Oyce (Rejoice) Renee Sance (Renaissance) Rex Cars (Wrecks cars) Rhea Gretabble (Regrettable) Rhoada Hoarse (Rode a horse) Rhoda Camel (Rode a camel) Rhoda Wynner (Rode a winner) Rick Kleiner (Recliner) Rick O'Shea (Ricochet) Rick Ottersheese (Ricotta cheese) Ricky T. Bridge (Rickety bridge) Rip Tile (Reptile) Rita Book (Read a book) Rob O. Flavin (Riboflavin) Robbie Ree (Robbery) Robin Emblind (Robbing them blind) Robyn Banks (Robbing banks) Rocca Vages (Rock of ages) Roland Buter (Roll and butter) Ron A. Muck (Run amok) Ron Devue (Rendezvous) Ron Osserus (Rhinoceros) Rory Motion (Raw emotion) Rosa Teeth (Rows of teeth) Ross Terr (Roster) Ross Trum (Rostrum) Rowan Boate (Rowing boat) Ruben MyColeridge (Rubbing my Coleridge) Ruby Kohn (Rubicon) Rudi Day (Rue the day) Rudi Mentry (Rudimentary) Rudy Nuff (Rude enough) Rufus Leakin (Roof is leaking) Russ Tinayle (Rusty nail) Russell Ingleaves (Rustling leaves) Ruth Tyler (Roof Tiler) S Sabina Pleasure (It's been a pleasure) Sadie Word (Say the word) Sal Ami (Salami) Sal Livver (Saliva) Sal T. Penuz (Salty peanuts or salty penis) Sally Mander (Salamander) Sam Aritan (Samaritan) Sam Manilla (Salmonella) Sam Owser (Samosa) Sam Pull (Sample) Sam Urai (Samurai) Sam Widge (Sandwich) Samson Knight (Samsonite) Sarah Bellam (Cerebellum) Sarah Nader (Serenade her) Sarah Tonin (Serotonin) Sasha Waist (Such a waste) Scott Chansoder (Scotch and soda) Scott Chegg (Scotch egg) Scott Shawn DeRocks (Scotch on the rocks) Seaman Stains (Semen stains) Seelin Phan (Ceiling fan) See Mihn (Semen) Selma Boddy (Sell my body) Sergovia Selv (Sick of yourself) Seth La Pod (Cephalopod) Seymour Asses (See more asses - from Futurama) Seymour Buttz (See more butts - from The Simpsons) Seymour Cox (See more Coleridges) Shanda Lear (Chandelier) Sheeza Freak (She's a freak) Sheila Blidge (She'll oblige) Shelia Mazeyer (She'll amaze you) Sheila Tack (She'll attack) Sheri Cola (Cherry cola) Sherman Wadd Evver (Sure man whatever) Shirley Knott (Surely not) Shirley U. Care (Surely you care) Sid Down (Sit down) Sir Fin Waves (Surfin' waves) Sir John Sands (Surgeon's hands) Sir Kit Breaker (Circuit breaker) Sonia Shew (It's on your shoe) Stacey Rhect (Stays erect) Stan Dandeliver (Stand and deliver) Stan Deasy (Stand easy) Stan Dingproude (Standing proud) Stan Doffich (Standoffish) Stan Dupp (Stand up) Steve Adore (Stevedore) Stu Padasso (Stupid Emerson) Stu Pid (Stupid) Sue Case (Suitcase) Sue Denley (Suddenly) Sue Donim (Pseudonym) Sue E. Side (Suicide) Sue Flay (Souffle) Sue Perrman (Superman) Sue Render (Surrender) Sue Ridge (Sewage) Sum Ting Wong (Something wrong) Sum Yung Gai (Some young guy) Susan Orty-Boyden (Who's a naughty boy then) T Tamara Nethercombs (Tomorrow never comes) Tanya Hide (Tan your hide) Tara Newhall (Tear a new hole) Tate Urchips (Tater chips) Teresa Crowd (Three's a crowd) Teresa Green (Trees are green) Terry Bulsmel (Terrible smell) Terry Cotter (Terracotta) Terry Fie (Terrify) Terry Ryst (Terrorist) Terry Torrie (Territory) Tess Tickle (Testicle) Tia Dropps (Teardrops) Tim Burr (Timber) Tim Lee Intervention (Timely intervention) Tim Panny (Timpani) Tina Beense (Tin of beans) Tina See (Tennessee) Titus Addrum (Tight as a drum) Titus Balzac (Tightest ball sack) Titus Canby (Tight as can be) Titus Zell (Tight as Hell) Toby Hynde (Tow behind) Toby Paidfer (To be paid for) Tom Bowler (Tombola) Tom Martow (Tomato) Torah Hyman (Tore a hymen) Travis Tay (Travesty) Tristan Shout (Twist and shout) Trudy Lite (True delight) Tudick Synsider (Two dicks inside her) Ty Dallwave (Tidal wave) Ty Imup (Tie him up) Ty Priter (Typewriter) Ty Tannick (Titanic) Ty Tass (Tightass) Tyrone Shoes (Tie your own shoes) U Uliqa M'Diq (You lick my dick) Ullee Daway (You lead the way) Ulrika Garlick (You'll reek of garlic) Una Brau (Unibrow - from Austin Powers) Upton O'goode (Up to no good) Ura Snotball (You are a snotball - from The Simpsons) Ustrokeet Islewatch (You stroke it I'll watch) V Val Crow (Velcro) Val Haller (Valhalla) Val Lay (Valet) Vasilly Sonovabich (That silly son of a bitch) Vera Cross (Veer across) Vic Tree (Victory) Vinny Gerr (Vinegar) Viv Atious (Vivacious) Vlad Tire (Flat tire) W Walt Sing (Waltzing) Walter Mellon (Watermelon) Walter Wallcarpet (Wall to wall carpet) Wanda Dorff (Wandered off) Wanda Lottie Wray (Won the lottery) Wanda Phul (Wonderful) Wanda Rinhands (Wandering hands) Warren Peace (War and peace) Warren Tease (Warranties) Wat Apistle (Water pistol) Wayne Dear (Reindeer) Wayne Dwops (Raindrops) Wayne Kerr (Wanker) Wayne Ningmoon (Waning moon) Wendy Windblows (Where the wind blows) Wi Phukem Yung (We Frost them young) Will D. Beest (Wildebeest) Will O'Patten (Willow pattern) Will Ting (Wilting) Will U. Jackmeov (Will you jack me off) Wille Belong (Will he be long) Willie Byter (Willy biter or will he bite her) Willie Gofar (Will he go far) Willie Makeit (Will he make it) Willy O'Wowntey (Will he or won't he) Willy Tert (Will it hurt) Wilma Fingerdoo (Will my finger do) Wilma Leggrowbach (Will my leg grow back) Winnie Bago (Winnebago) Winnie DiPoo (Winnie the Pooh) Woody U. No (What do you know) X Xavier Breff (Save your breath) Xavier Money (Save your money) Xavier Onassis (Save your own asses) Xavier Zelf (Save yourself) Y Yerma Wildo (Your ma will do) Yul B. Allwright (You'll be alright) Yule B. Sorry (You'll be sorry) Z Zeke N. Yeshallfind (Seek and you shall find) Zelda Kowz (Sell the cows) Zoltan Pepper (Salt and pepper)

[bettsfic]

The Art of Scraping Through is amazing, you're an incredible writer. I was wondering if you could talk about this detail -- "You take a gratuitous glance at his belly, which looks surprisingly soft, almost chubby." It's so rare to see a description like this on the male lead because fic is so often a place of fantasy washboard abs for the men. Did you decide to do this as a kind of deliberate counter to that? Thanks again for sharing your gorgeous work!

the answer to this is surprisingly long, so if you want the short answer, it’s: i do not like abs.

now for the longer answer!

i cannot look at a man with abs and think “ooh damn u look good” because those abs come with a lot of context i can’t handle. a man who has abs is one who has chosen beauty over food, and is therefore not a man who would ever, under any circumstance, find someone like me attractive, a woman who doesn’t prioritize standardized beauty at all, in herself or other people. fundamentally our priorities are too different – there is no universe where i would get along on a deep level with someone who has abs. abs tell me that a person drinks protein shakes and eats boiled chicken and broccoli every day, counts their macros religiously, and works out at least 10 hours a week. it’s one thing for an actor or model or body builder to have abs – it’s part of the job. they have trainers and have to be Seen. 

but if a 34 year old paramedic in dayton, ohio has a six-pack, that tells me a lot about him and his body image and the way he interacts with the world, and those things are not things i would ever want in a partner. if i write fic to be the ideal, a person with that level of dedication to beauty would never be my ideal.

i used to be a power lifter, and have also slept with a lot of power lifters. men with functional strength often look “chubby” to people who don’t know any better. they have barrel chests and soft tummies, and if they flex, their stomachs may harden but you wouldn’t see defined muscles there, because they’re hidden under an extremely necessary and not at all unhealthy plane of fat. defined muscles are an illusion hollywood has sold us. and because of that, i can’t in good conscience write a chiseled male character without including in his personality and daily habits all the work that entails. 

in scraping through, bellamy is partly defined by his sloppiness and physical unawareness. he takes up too much space. he stands too close to people. he touches people without their permission. he attends so acutely to others that he would never be so preoccupied with himself to exercise for the sake of self-aesthetic. he exercises to be better at his job, because that’s what he cares about. he also exercises because he has a lot of physical energy and it’s fun for him. people who work out in this way are in shape, but they don’t often have toned bodies, especially over the age of 30.

a character’s body is a major indicator of the kind of lives they lead. a body is the result of environment, of daily activity, of personal health and behavioral choices. to write a character who has a toned body when it doesn’t make sense to have one, solely for the sake of ~aesthetic, does a disservice to the story i’m trying to tell, which is grounded in reality.

which brings me to the point you’re making of the ideal male body. i agree, fanfic as a genre is mostly about exploring ideals, and in my PWP, which exists to arouse readers, i incorporate that ideal more so than in my other fic. there’s nothing wrong with writing bellamy as his s1 self, walking around camp shirtless. it’s canon. i’m sure part of the reason bob was casted as bellamy was because of his physique. the women on t100 all wear makeup all the time and have perfectly styled hair. no one came off the ring emaciated even though they’d been living on algae. t100 is a show that concerns itself with maintaining beauty at the cost of logic. that’s an aesthetic choice they’ve made, being a cw show, a genre which often asks us to suspend our disbelief for the sake of visual pleasure. it makes sense for fanfic also to indulge in that mentality. 

but i am not very interested in canon. as a fic writer, i’m concerned with “fixing” the things i see wrong with canon. it bothers me that no one is allowed to be ugly or human on the show, which seems to contradict its entire purpose of this gritty morally grey reality of survival. it is not something i would ever write. in reality, i’m attracted to people who look like themselves and smell like themselves and can see past all the patriarchal bullshit we’re sold about beauty. i love the things that make a person real – crooked teeth and acne and big noses and body odor and hairy legs. 

i also have the context of the actor’s own body image issues, and in the same way i wouldn’t want to describe bellamy as white or pale knowing bob’s Filipino pride (despite the show’s insistence that race isn’t a thing in the future), i also wouldn’t want to describe bellamy’s s5-6 body as anything other than it is. bellamy doesn’t have a six-pack under his bulky layers. he has a tummy, and i find that mercilessly hot. i told a friend that s1 bellamy is the kind of guy i would avoid because he would be trained to think fat women are disgusting and unworthy of respect. in me, he’d see a gross fat girl, if he could see me at all. but s6 bellamy looks like the kind of guy i would hit on in a grocery store and who would think i’m cute. 

ultimately, chubby tummies are my personal beauty ideal. i describe the desired character in most of my long fics as being chubby – clarke in twyd and even in zucchini (and bellamy is openly attracted to her for being chubby, even though it’s her pov), also bellamy in training wheels. whenever i take the time to describe a character exploring another’s body, usually my interest is in reflecting, not the existing physical beauty ideal, but an ideal mind that finds beauty in imperfect body types. i don’t personally desire to be thin; i want to be desired for the body that i have, by a person who puts who i am above physical aesthetics. and a person who is capable of doing that is probably not someone who has a six-pack.

[mychaosacademia-blog]

Different jobs that My Hero Academia characters could have (as adults)

*LONG POST WARNING! MORE UNDER THE CUT*

1. Midoriya- The Good Cop™

Deku always wanted to save people and before One for All became a part of his life everyone advised him to simply go for the police. If he didn’t become a hero, he would probably become a policeman, and he’d probably make a damn good one, taking into account his perfect balance of righteousness, selflessness, and empathy. If all cops were like him, the world would be saved.

Midoriya: *holds back tears* I-it’s okay now... Because I am here...

2. Bakugou- The Impulsive Soldier

Is there any job that Bakugou could like doing more than fighting? He could initially struggle with being at the very bottom of the military hierarchy, but being put in his place for a while could perhaps help him get over his problems with accepting losing and help. And anyway, he’d climb up fast. After all, this boy’s strong and smart as heck. Just imagine him getting to drill the new recruits...

Bakugou: *yells* I’LL KILL YOU, LAZY SCUM!! 500 PUSH UPS, starting NOW!!

New recruit, terrified to the core: Aye sir!

3. Uraraka- Bob The Builder

Uraraka’s quirk would be perfect to use on a construction site. She’s a strong girl, practical and determined, and would even manage to deal with any potential accidents at work. Plus she comes from the working class, but that’s just an addition.

Uraraka: I can work hard and earn money for my parents this way too!

4. Todoroki- The Vengeful Firefighter

Get it? FIRE-FIGHTER. Now THAT would be a way to go against Endeavor and his plans, wouldn’t it? Tbh much sassier than becoming a hero.

Todoroki: It is then... *15 minutes of traumatic flashback* when I decided to devote the rest of my life to fighting fire. After all, it reminded me of my father... the reason I got this scar...

5. Tsuyu- The Lifeguard

Taking into account what hero internship Tsuyu chose, it is quite easy to determine what she would do with life if she wouldn’t become a hero. The sea is her area, and water is her friend. But she needs some contact with the land too like frogs do and she liked saving people so...

Tsuyu: Kero... *blows the whistle* Please get out of the water, a storm is coming!

6. Iida- The Pure Lawyer

Iida is the most Lawful Good person in existence, probably. He likes rules, knows them all, and is really dedicated to reminding others of them. Cases with his involvement would be guaranteed to be solved justly, regardless of the benefit of his client.

Iida: *gesticulation intensifies* Your honor, I urge you to consider Article 137, paragraph 3! And wear warmer clothes tomorrow, this weather can make you sick!

7. Kaminari- The Portable Phone Charger  Disco Bartender

Kaminari is surely someone who likes people and a good party. Even if his quirk would make him perfect for an electrician, quite certainly he’d just regard it FAR TOO DULL. This boy wants to be COOL. He’d probably try to work his way up to a manager or owner of his own club; but with his intelligence stats, this could take a while. For now, he’d make SHOCKING drinks and chat with everyone around.

Kaminari: *obviously flirting with customers and showing off his cool electricity tricks* yEAH MY FUTURE CLUB WILL BE THE COOLEST! Imagine like... MEME THEMED PARTY

Customer: *quietly* That sounds kind of cringy...

8. Mina- The Kids Entertainer

Mina just seems like someone who’d be simply ADORED by kids. She’s sweet, bubbly, so so fun, and looks like she’s dressed up already! The Alien Queen parties would be booked months in advance. And every kid would dream of getting one for their birthday...

Mina: IF YOU’RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT CLAP YOUR HANDS!

Kids: *climb on her back trying to touch the horns* ALIEN QUEEEEEN!!!

9. Kirishima & Testutetsu- The MMA stars

STRONG BOIS. MASCULINE BROS. GOTTA BE THE MANLIEST and gayest. MMA ROCKS AND HAS A HEART OF STEEL! Also Kirishima would be quickly voted the greatest cinnamon roll of MMA

Tetsutetsu: *screaming and wrestling*

Kirishima: *screaming and wrestling wholesomely*

10. Ojiro- The Veterinary Assistant

Ojiro isn’t the greatest fan of the spotlight, and probably would enjoy a calm, but helpful job as a veterinary assistant. Plus, his tail can give him instant connection points with scared, caudate pets!

Ojiro: *waggles his tail*

A normally aggressive dog: *waggles the tail back and jumps to lick his face*

Ojiro: *giggles, petting the dog* See, there’s nothing to be scared of!

11. Toru- The Shop Assistant actually secretly a CIA Covert Investigator but shhh it’s a secret

We know that Toru likes shopping and would probably be great as a boutique employee. She’s sweet, she has great social skills, and she certainly has style! But at the same time... it would be hard to believe that with her quirk she didn’t get a suggestion to become a spy alongside her job. Did she agree? Did she not? I guess we’ll never know...

Toru: You look amazing in this suit, Mr. President! I think you should really buy it! *places a tiny hidden camera inside the pocket*

12. Koda- The Wildlife Rehabilitator 

There is no other job where the ability to talk to the animals would be more life-saving than a wildlife rehabilitator. Also, taking into account how shy Koda seems, he’d probably prefer to work with animals rather than humans...

Koda: Don’t worry, sweet bunny! You’re safe now!

Bunny: *noms on his plushie*

13. Aoyama- The Sparkling Model

Was there ever any doubt? Aoyama would be a STUNNING model. Just imagine...

*LIGHTS OFF*

*A REFLECTOR ILLUMINATES A SINGLE SPOT ON THE STAGE*

*EPIC MUSIC PLAYS, THE CROWD WHISPERS EXCITED*

AND THERE HE COMES......

Aoyama in his new pajamas collection!

Aoyama: I cAnNoTu StOpPu SpArKLiNg!!

14. Yaomomo- The Patient Teacher

Lecturing Mina and Kaminari among others before the exams just HAD to take lots of patience and supreme teaching skills. If she managed to make these two pass, she can definitely deal EVEN with a class of 30 10-year-olds.

Momo: *for the 13th time* Now, let’s try again! 2 times 3 is?

Some kid with IQ of Kaminari an ameba: ....4?

15. Jirou- The Sound Engineer

She’d definitely keep playing music as her hobby but she seems like a person who’d like to have a stable, technical job as her primary source of income nonetheless. Plus, her quirk would be perfect to hear out the slightest inadequacies of sound!

Jirou: So we have to add gain here, equalize there, distort over here, and probably remaster the whole thing too.

A very confused beginning artist: Uh-uh...

16. Tokoyami- The Subculture Shop Owner

Tokoyami is such a goth birb. So dramatic. So dark. If any goths or emos saw his room in the dorms they would all LOVE this aesthetic. As such, he’d make a good job at picking and selling clothes and accessories for fellow goths and other subcultures. And having Dark Shadow would just make him more famous...

Some goth girl: So you’re like... REALLY filled with a Dark Shadow of you? That’s so spooky!

Tokoyami, who already heard this question 20 times in the past 2 hours: What do you want to buy?

17. Sero- The Steeplejack

With that quirk, he pretty much wouldn’t have to worry about falling. Not to mention THE POWER OF FLEX TAPE

Sero: *swinging on the tape on top of a cathedral* This is pretty fun!

Other steeplejacks: *clinging to their ladders* Watch out!

18. Satou- The Pastry Cook

Mmmm his cakes. The world lost a treasure when Satou decided to be a hero instead of a pastry cook. Truly heartbreaking. Think of all the tasty things he would make constantly...

Class 1A, plotting behind his back: We have to make Satou fall out of the hero course

Satou, terrified: G-guys! I can bake you cakes without that!

19. Mineta- The Pimp *mild NSFW*

I am so sorry. Oh, wait, actually I’m not. Why is Mineta even trying to be a hero? I mean, should THAT be the job of his dreams?

Mineta: *manic laughter* OH MY IT’S LIKE A WET DREAM

20. Monoma- The Professional 4chaner  Internet Troll Actually why did I cross it off, that’s exactly what he’d do

I have no words.

Monoma: *sips Red Bull, typing* HA! CLASS 1A! YOU SPECIAL SNOWFLAKES REEEEEEEEEEE CUCK

21. Shinsou- The Questionable Detective

Ah yes. The police for introverts. Like Midoriya, Shinsou would probably want to save people a lot, so I reckon he’ll choose this path if he wouldn’t become a hero. Just think of how useful his quirk could be...

Shinsou: *having a suspect hypnotized* Knock on the table three times if you did it.

Suspect: *knocks*

Another detective: ...Are you sure this is ethical?

22. Hatsume- The Weirdly Motherly Engineer

I mean, she sort of already is one... But she could probably design much more than just hero costumes! What if she went to robotics... Then her babies could actually talk back to her!

Hatsume, turning on a new robot: My new baby!

Robot: *turning to Hatsume* Mama!

Every human being around: *assessing Hatsume’s age and judging hard*

23. All Might- The Hollywood celebrity specializing in superhero movies!

#LETALLMIGHTPLAYCAPTAINAMERICA2018

All Might: *looking at the shipping fanarts following the movie world premiere* ...........why has my life come to this

24. Aizawa- The Cat Cafe owner

CATS ARE BETTER THAN PEOPLE. If he had the money and time, he’d FOR SURE set up his own cafe of purring babies. And he’d be very protective over them every time he’d visit...

Aizawa: *thunder in eyes* Don’t you DARE disturb Marshmallow’s sleep, you can pet her when she wants to and ONLY IF she wants to

Mic: AWWWW MARSHMALLOW THAT’S ADORABLEEE

Aizawa: *aggressive whispering* I swear if your screams wake her up I WILL assassinate you

25. Present Mic- The Full-time Radio Host

I mean, this one is kind of obvious. How does he have 3 jobs at once anyway?

Mic: *PLAYS AFRICA BY TOTO FOR THE 3RD TIME DURING HIS 4 HOUR PROGRAM* I BLESS THE RAIN DOWN IN AAAAAAFRICAAAAA yo what do you mean I’m being cringy

26. Midnight- The 18+ Domina

Another kinda obvious one? Oh well. She’d be happy and empowered doing that, so don’t judge.

Midnight: Ah, so exciting!!

27. Tomura- The Unemployed

Tomura’s personality doesn’t seem exactly suited for any kind of work... or society, for this matter. At least as long as All For One is around, he’d certainly rest on him, gaming his days away. And after that... even though his sensei already planned for him to take over his company, Tomura prefers not to think about that.

Tomura: *hissing at any opportunity of a job* I don’t like this quest *hides in the hoodie*

28. All For One- The Plotting CEO

All For One seems to love his suit and wears it quite well, so he could certainly do well at a largely formal, managing job. And he’d be the first to exploit ALL for ONE, something that large businesses unfortunately often do...

All For One: *ruining someone’s life and fortune with a smirk* How unfortunate... for you, of course.  

29. Toga- The Professional Cosplayer

Toga’s quirk and erm... interests seem to be perfect for her to be a psycho fan of real-life celebrities, whose blood she steals for her cosplays. As these “cosplays” she makes are literally perfect, she manages to get quite a lot of money from the photoshoots. The celebrities are just very surprised noticing a fresh needle wound on their arm when they wake up in the morning...

Toga: *jumping up and down* I want to become them all! I will become them all! I want to cut them! Blood!

[alexardenti]

ACCESS MUSCLE Scott Welch Nautilus Arthur Jones Alex Ardenti documentary Watch the complete 98 minute documentary on Vimeo  https://vimeo.com/ondemand/accessmuscle/ or PRIME VIDEO  https://tinyurl.com/ycxend24 I am very happy to announce the release of the first installment of ACCESS MUSCLE titled "The Gym Culture" This is the first of 8 documentary films I am producing on this industry that I love so much. The concept for this first film is this: What really makes the modern gym a meeting place for today’s health minded individuals? This tangible “gym culture” has evolved from mustached strongmen in the1900s to environments of serious exercise where biceps are built and pounds are shed. We go beyond barbells... all with a heavy portion of fitness history. I'm also filming the following films contemporaneously: 2-Female Fitness The hard road to equality on the gym floor  From being banned from all male dominated sports activities and gymnasiums of old to revolutionizing the fitness industry in all it’s aspects female fitness enthusiasts have arguably re-invented the industry from scratch. Meet the female CEOs of health and fitness companies, elite athletes and everyday women who have embraced the fitness lifestyle. Resistance training in all of it’s forms is now an integral part of most women’s fitness regimen... but it certainly wasn’t always that way. 3-Personal Trainers Miracle workers, gurus or therapists?  Jack LaLanne may have been our first trainer to bring dumbbells and push-ups to TV audiences but social media certainly has created a new breed of “experts” selling all kinds of programs. What are the differences between a certified one on one coach and an Instagram trainer in the new millennium? Let’s look at both sides of the argument on this topic. 4-Food Of The Gods Not exactly the food pyramid  Most of us are happy if our new diet makes us loose a few pounds for summer. But what if your whole career and livelihood actually depended on your food intake? World class fitness athletes search for the ideal diet to improve performance and achieve the perfect physique. Vegan VS Carnivore, High Carb VS Paleo… ideologies clash while science keeps discovering new ways nutrition affects our bodies. 5-Muscle Mags Beyond comic book heroes  In a time when digital media was mere science fiction, fitness publications on our local newsstand were the only source of information if you wanted to create a better body. Let’s rediscover the epic battles between publishers Joe Weider, Bob Hoffman and Dan Lurie and how Weider’s Muscle Builder magazine became the world’s first mass-media outlet that launched the whole fitness revolution across the globe. Your welcome Jane Fonda. 6- SUPPS 2.0 The new age of sports supplements  Alex Ardenti chronicled the origin and evolution of the $40 Billion sports supplement industry in the documentary SUPPS: The Movie. https://tinyurl.com/ybrcm93k  Now let’s discover the new giant brands that are using social media as their key platform. With thousands of products purchased every day through Instagram posts how do we know what is a  quality product and what is merely snake oil peddled by our favorite influencer? 7- Stage Muscle Ready… set… flex! If you ever felt the thrill of having the best little bicep compared to the other kids on the block imagine what it would feel like to be crowned the best bodybuilder in the world? What do elite competitive bodybuilders have to go through to achieve such an extraordinary physique and why bigger isn’t better anymore in 2020. With a clear return to the classic physiques like Steve Reeves and Frank Zane modern bodybuilding is rediscovering the original aesthetic version of itself. Where did bodybuilding go wrong and how it’s re-inventing itself. Let’s start by taking a trip back to see how it all began in those crazy 1960s. 8- Flexing Or Function? When two tribes go to war Functional fitness exploded on the scene just a few years ago positioning itself as a new stand-alone sport. Yet it’s origins start with Olympic Weightlifting and Kettlebells from the 1800s. With the initial conflict between CrossFit type training and the Pumping Iron gym-rat rapidly simmering down we discover the clear differences between the two sports and find a common ground. I hope you stay with me through this labor of love and I will update info as we continue. Don't forget the bio-doc Frank Zane Defined filming now also! https://www.alexardenti.com

[purplepotatomunv]

Update on the power outage

It's currently 9:40 in the morning, the power went out yesterday at around 11:40 last night and what happened was one of our neighbor's trees fell down and when it fell it came down on a power line and really fucked it up good. I'm going to refer to this tree as Phil from now on bc tHAT'S A LOTTA DAMAGE. My mom says that the power guys estimate this being fixed by noon but she is currently in d o u b t about that so ig we really need that Flex Tape fix. @ Bob the Builder pls fix my power 👀

[zeroxzygatto]

BS: DnD

I sometimes run a very relaxed game of what I called Bullshit DnD, which is pretty much, "Hey, you make a character, and I'll sit down with you and help you make abilities for it. Also, I'm making the rules up myself and putting them in a tiny notebook. Also hand drawn doodle maps."

It started out as just a way to get people introduced go the idea of dice rolling tabletop rpgs, so they could decide if they wanted to explore more serious options like DnD or Pathfinder or yadda yadda yadda.

My very first group was made of people who had never ever looked at a character sheet, but had played Magic, watched anime, played board games, or participated in online rp groups. I liked them, they were fun.

The leader was Sharkeisha the Half-Shark Half-Body Builder Princess. The body of Mr. Universe with the head of a shark wearing a glittery pink bow. I told her if she flexed before actions, she'd get a +1.

Then we had Pubeles the Hentai Wizard, who had a handlebar mustache that was 4 feet wide from tip to tip, and carried a Large Ebony Rod. That was shaped like... well... I'm sure you can guess. In their very first mission, a classic prison break, he charmed the two very buff guards into some very passionate loving and stole their keys.

Who could forget Bob From IT? Everyone. And that was his whole shtick. Being a stealthy thief by being so Normal™ that he could just bluff his way to success.

And rounding off this bizarre group was Killerella McDeathmurder, a sweet old nurse lady skeleton who had a 50/50 shot of healing you, or causing ultra necrosis and turning you into a skeleton for the day. She refused to wear glasses.

There was no point to this story. Just sharing.

[bigyack-com]

What Happens When You Get Famous Off One Song?

MILTON KEYNES, England — Last summer, a teenager named Tom Austin decided on a whim to record a rap song. He’d never made music before. But even as he was writing down lyrics — picking out references from an iPhone note of random stuff he’d been keeping — he was strangely sure of himself.“I don’t want to sound bigheaded,” he said, “but I knew it would do bits.” (Translation: Mr. Austin knew the song would connect widely.)The result was “Mary Berry,” a delightful, deadpan ode to life in small-town Britain. The title is a nod to the 84-year-old former “Great British Bake Off” co-host. In the song, Mr. Austin says he “needs a girl like” Ms. Berry; he defeats a local man in badminton; pulls out a secret Android cellphone; performs his own circumcision; threatens to fight the TV host Piers Morgan; flexes his discount Slazenger sneakers; and announces, “Top thing on my bucket list is to slide tackle the Queen.” For his rap alter-ego he borrowed the name Niko Bellic, an Eastern European gangster character from the video game Grand Theft Auto IV.As Mr. Austin later wrote on Instagram: “I decided to make a song within like 2 days and then 3 weeks later I signed a deal for it, now it’s 2mil+ streams across 3 platforms CRUUUD.”This success seems both calculated and hilariously accidental. In the intro to the song, he offhandedly shouts out the flashy East London afrobeats group NSG; not long after its release, he was touring Britain as their opening act. He’s taking meetings and other “bits and bobs,” Mr. Austin said, and carefully planning a second single with a record label. He is now 19.In 2016, 13-year-old Billie Eilish posted the song “Ocean Eyes” on her SoundCloud and went to bed. She woke up to see it had accumulated thousands of plays overnight. She is now one of the biggest pop stars alive.The 16-year-old rapper Bhad Bhabie has built her career off a catchphrase-minting “Dr. Phil” appearance. The 13-year-old country singer Mason Ramsey has capitalized well off a recorded Walmart yodeling session. Their sudden, culture-saturating music moments would have been impossible before SoundCloud, TikTok, Instagram, YouTube and Twitter. Now the music industry, social media and the influence industry at large are racing to adapt for, and borrow from, such overnight success stories.Tom Austin — or Niko B, for that matter, as he’s now calling himself, possibly to avoid litigation — is nowhere near as well known as Bhad Bhabie or Billie Eilish. His success, to date, is very much niche, and contained within Britain. But he’s at a crossroads each saw for themselves. He made a song. It did bits. What’s next?

Getting Down on Friday

A decade ago, instant virality could be a curse. Rebecca Black was 13 in 2011 when her uncanny-valley banger “Friday” — written for her in exchange for $4,000 of her mother’s money — exploded.“It took me years to get healed,” she said in a recent interview. “When you’re 13, nobody can explain to you how mentally extreme everything is.”Back then, she had vague dreams of Broadway, but no real career plan. In the years after “Friday,” she fended off all kinds of cynical business entreaties.Now at 22, she’s built a team around her that she trusts. And she’s back making music: “Sweetheart,” her latest release, is available on all streaming platforms. She’s also talking about her experience, and getting very positive reactions.“I had to figure out the long and hard way that nobody can give you this career,” Ms. Black said. “I had to do it in my own way.”In the years since “Friday,” it’s possible audiences have become less judgmental.While there’s still a bit of stigma associated with sudden virality, especially when it feels easily won, maybe we understand now that tunes can come from anywhere. Maybe we got tired of getting upset.Or maybe the latest generation got better at being ready. In the end, Bhad Bhabie has bangers. Mason Ramsey is a legit country radio presence. And Lil Nas X’s path to success was, on a much grander scale, similar to Tom Austin’s. He used meme knowledge and a social media base to turn “Old Town Road” into the longest-running No. 1 single in Billboard history.Ms. Black, as a pioneer, had no idea what was about to hit her. Teen creators now live knowing that any given thing they post might just change their life.

Crafting the Second Single on the Poets Estate

On a recent weekday on the high street of the tiny old town of Newport Pagnell, near London, Mr. Austin sat in a foofy coffee shop with a Realtree-style coat zipped to the neck. (He only opened it once, briefly, to remove a single key from a Prada fanny pack surreptitiously strapped to his waist.) He grew up, and still lives, in a humdrum subdivision down the road called the Poets Estate. He and his buddies used to skateboard, break into abandoned places, hang out at the kebab shop.And the rest of the time — “deffo, 100 percent” — he was on the internet. At 8 or 9, that meant building Lego animations on YouTube. (“Like, a skeleton horse chasing a guy,” Mr. Austin said.) By 14 or 15, it was prank calls and mock news channel stuff. He managed to build up a bit of a YouTube following, then switched his attention to Instagram, where he first posted cool-guy fit pics before having a revelation.“Mate, if I’m just showing you what I’m wearing, that’s not gonna get me anywhere. This is Instagram. You can’t deep it,” Mr. Austin said, meaning “take it seriously.” So he pivoted and started posting stuff like “me looking in the mirror, and in the mirror is this really buff guy,” he said. “It was the right turn to make.”Around the same time, inspired by the multi-hyphenate talent Tyler, the Creator, he introduced a clothing label called Crowd; he now sells to customers as far as Dubai. He used to work at a Subway, but quit when a Crowd pop-up netted him more money in one weekend than he’d previously made in a month. He even wrote an elaborate resignation letter: “Thanks to everyone even Carlos bye Marisa I hope I can transfer my sandwich making skills to my future day to day life.”As much as anything, “Mary Berry” was a promo for Crowd. (The video is full of Crowd clothes, and a post-video drop was his best-selling to date.) But it was also born of a generational D.I.Y. ethos: Why not do it?Mr. Austin points to Alex From Glasto, a fellow pasty British teen who won viral fame last summer when he was pulled onstage at Glastonbury by the rapper Dave to perform the hit “Thiago Silva.” Since then, Alex From Glasto has released his own single. “I was like, ‘No offense to him, but if this guy can blow up …” Mr. Austin said, trailing off.The making and release of “Mary Berry” was tied — breathlessly, naturally — with Instagram documentation: edited fake DMs from Drake asking to get on the remix, surreal footage of Mr. Austin surrounded by a platoon of life-size Mary Berry cardboard cutouts. “I did a video of me throwing a basketball out a window and then the Lakers being like ‘yo, we need to sign you right now,’” he said. The first Instagram Story tracking the journey is just captioned “about to become a full time rapper.”He also got friends who are big on Instagram, like @GullyGuyLeo, to post a snippet of the song.Then he landed attention of @ImJustBait, an influential British meme account run by a slick operator named Antz. (According to lore that Mr. Austin repeats reverentially, Antz started it without even having a cellphone. “He used his friend’s phone! Now he’s got, like, the most known Instagram page!”) Antz messaged Mr. Austin, saying, “yo, you’re jokes.” Now Mr. Austin is signed to Antz’s imprint, WEAREBLK, an entity created specifically to avoid the pattern of established labels profiting off viral successes they had no hand in creating.So Mr. Austin is now officially, and accidentally but not accidentally, an independent musician. At an appearance at the taste-making Boiler Room Festival, he heard people sing his lyrics back to him for the first time. His tour with NSG took him to London and Birmingham and Manchester alongside “mad big artists.”“I felt so bad because all these artists put in so much time and I’m just like, ‘what is going on,’” he said. The juvenilia-fueled song made the rounds and even got back to his grandma. (He said she texted him about one of the more anatomically graphic lyrics.)Next up, hopefully, is some money. “My dad’s a builder and he doesn’t work right now, which is tough. And my mum’s a teacher in a special needs school. So pay off my parents debt, that’s the very first goal,” Mr. Austin said. “And after that it’s like — whatever. Literally tomorrow I could try beatboxing, and then, a year from now I could be a really famous beatboxer. Anything I wanna do, I’ll just do it. Cause there’s no reason for me not to do it. So I’ll do it.” Read the full article