#boy howdy i’m doin so much lol

[thisismysecondrodeo]

If you’re accepting Ted Lasso requests, can I humbly BEG for some Ted taking care of a sick Jamie??

AN: I very rarely write for Jamie so this was a fun challenge, hope I did him justice!! Love my boys with daddy issues lol

Rating: General

Tags: Jamie Tartt, Roy Kent, Sickfic, Ted takes care of Jamie In a platonic fatherly way, Just two men and their daddy issues lol

Fic masterlist

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After years of coaching Ted knew he had the potential to be, and often was, a father figure to the boys—now men—that he coached. It was a responsibility he didn’t take lightly; he wanted to help everyone be the best that they could be. But with everything he’d been going through with his divorce and Henry, his mental health, Nate and Rupert, it was a responsibility that had been weighing on him. Things were falling through the cracks and it was making his panic attacks worse. 

With the help of his support network—Roy, Beard, Rebecca, Keeley, Dr. Fieldstone, even Michelle—he was starting to feel more like himself, more like the man who could carry the weight of the team that meant so much to him. And the first person on his list to make it up to was Jamie. Sure, he had sent Jamie an army man when he was over at Manchester, and he helped get Jamie back on the team, but there was so much more he could have done for him in the wake of his father’s abuse and he resolved to pay closer attention. 

Which meant when Jamie didn’t show up for training one day Ted was immediately concerned. Ted sidled up to Roy on the sidelines after a few moments of watching the team. Roy and Jamie were certainly contentious, but if anyone were to know if Jamie was okay, it was Roy.

“Howdy, Roy,” Ted greeted casually, slapping the man on the shoulder before returning his hand to his pocket. Roy only grunted which was about what Ted expected. 

“Say, any idea where Jamie is? Been a while since he missed practice, er, trainin’.”

“Poorly. Oi! Whistle,” Roy yelled, circling his index finger in the air to reset the play. Ted furrowed his brow. 

“Poorly?” Ted repeated, the expression awkward in his accent. 

Roy looked over at him like he was an idiot before turning his attention back to the pitch, “He’s sick, cowboy.” 

“What kinda sick are we talkin’? Cold and flu? Heartsick? Plain ol’ sick and tired?” Ted was being playful in order to not betray his true concern, but when Roy said “sick” his mind had immediately jumped to James Sr. 

“Well I wouldn’t fuckin’ know would I, considering I’m standing here next to you and not in a maid’s outfit at Jamie’s waiting on him hand and foot,” Roy responded snarkily. That was…quite the image in Ted’s mind. “All I know is that he texted, said he was sick and couldn’t make it to practice.” 

Ted wanted to be upset that Jamie texted Roy and not him, but he knew their relationship needed work. So instead he said nothing, nodding his visored head and walking back over to Beard to ask him to cover for him as he had to leave for lunch a little early. 

Less than 30 minutes later, Ted was knocking at Jamie’s door with a plastic takeout bag holding a container of soup and a grocery bag full of medicine and candy. He knew Jamie was an adult—technically—but he had gone with the Henry-style sickness treatment of medicine and sugar. Jamie answered the door with red-rimmed eyes, a runny nose, a blue blanket wrapped around his shoulders, and some wild bedhead. Ted was both relieved and troubled that Jamie was actually sick in a way that had nothing to do with James Sr. 

Jamie spoke with a voice that sounded sore, “Coach? What’re you doin’ ‘ere?”

“Well I heard you weren’t feelin’ swell, thought I’d come by and see ya. That alright?”

Jaime nodded and stepped aside letting Ted enter his apartment before collapsing back on the couch where it seemed he’d spent the morning blowing his nose and playing FIFA. Ted took his bags to the kitchen and quietly shuffled around, putting soup in a bowl, brewing a cup of tea, and laying out medicine and sweets on a tray he found in one of Jamie’s cabinets. He couldn’t lie, he expected more of a bachelor pad—a one cup, one bowl, one plate situation—but the place was well appointed and thoughtfully decorated. Ted carried the tray through to the living room to find Jamie laying on the couch, scrolling aimlessly on his phone with half-lidded eyes. Ted sat the tray in front of him and sat in a chair next to the couch, encouraged when Jamie sat up and took some medicine followed by a sip of his tea, running his hand through his messy locks. 

“Malteasers,” Jamie said, looking at the tray surprised before picking up the package and ripping into them, offering Ted a few as well. 

“We missed ya at practice today, but you know I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself. I…well I haven’t always been the best at that, myself, so…” Ted trailed off, not quite sure where he had been going with that. He wanted to tell Jamie he was sorry, that he was proud of him, but now didn’t feel like the time. Jamie seemed to understand anyway, offering a small smile. 

“Ta, coach. I’m sure I’ll be back on the pitch in no time,” Jamie responded hoarsely. 

“Well, no rush. But I hope you know you can come to me if ya need anything.” 

Jamie gestured at the tray. “Already done plenty, Coach.”

“Well, anything else then,” Ted stood, brushing his hands on the thighs of his khakis. “I’ll, uh, get outta your hair, let ya rest.” 

Jamie’s eyes widened and he cleared his throat. “You don’t have to… I mean, I wouldn’t, wouldn’t mind if… Sorry you have to get back to practice, nevermind.” 

Ted realized what Jamie was trying to ask for and he smiled, nudging Jamie to make room on the couch. “I got some time.” Ted accepted the video game controller Jamie offered him. They played in silence for a while, and when Ted started winning he realized Jamie was actually falling asleep. Ted pulled a throw pillow into his lap, and tugged Jamie by the elbow. It spoke to how unwell he felt that there was zero resistance, just a weak grumble as he burrowed into the pillow on Ted’s lap. Ted eased his phone out of his pocket slowly so as not to jostle the younger man too much, and sent Roy and Beard a quick message letting him know he wouldn’t be making it back that afternoon before sitting his phone facedown on the side table and picking the controller back up. If he was going to work on his relationship with Jamie it seemed he’d need the practice. 

[palaemonfire]

first round of artfight attacks!!! ( ponyprospector, sunnyaesthetic/ @starlightcloudbaby , DFeng/ @dangdfeng , anthonyjcrowley, reginadraws/ @reginadraws , chazz/ @kisskisschu )

click for full images!!!!! :D

[goldeneyedgirl]

2019 Fic Meme

My end of year fic meme, compiled from some old Livejournal fic memes that I do when I write stuff. I do this for fun, because I like looking back at what I have and haven’t written, and what keeps popping up again.

It’s meant to be silly fun, and if anyone else wants to do it, PLEASE DO. I don’t want to tag anyone and put pressure on you in case you don’t want to/don’t think you have enough fic/hate memes. 

Twilight

12 Days of Fic-Mas (Twilight, WIP) Day 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, bonus.  Twelve days of fic extracts, previews, and drabbles focusing on Alice Cullen. Encompasses Folie A Deux, The Only Girl in the World, JessaminexAlice, Omens, Asylum, The Long Way Around, The Dark and the Unknown, Hybrid, Runaway, All These Broken Things, & The Unexpected Second Life of Mary Alice Brandon 

Shadow to Light  (WIP) (Alice/Jasper, AU Angst, PG) In 1918, Jasper lures the newborn known as Mary-Alice back to Monterrey. He is lost to her before it even begins.

Total number of completed stories: Lol.

Total word count: 33,304 words were posted. 

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted?  Look, I just... 2019 was a wash in so many ways. I played a lot of Fortnite really badly. I would have loved to be able to say Shadow to Light was finished, or that I was posting Hybrid regularly or something, but I can’t. I wish, wish, wish I had posted more but alas. 

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January? Outside of Twilight, I dabbled with some reader/Ben in the Umbrella Academy, and I was messing around with some Janet/Wanda in my personal MCU canon. As for Twilight, I think my stuff got a lot darker? Like, we’re down the rabbit hole here, and somehow Alice ended up being the most feared vampire in the Americas? Yeah. 

And there’s the Avengers/Twilight fic that is simultaneously three fics and one fic because I cannot make Executive Decisions and I can’t decide if I like 1. Alice knowing Bucky from Before Jasper; 2. Alice knowing Hawkeye from when he was a kid in the circus and being how Natasha and Clint got out of Budapest, or 3. the Volturi hooking up with Hydra and ... yeah, I think this one is legit the most second-most one of the most embarrassing things I’ve ever written. (I’ve been filing today, and boy howdy have I written some actual shit.)

What’s your own favourite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest? That’s like making me pick a favourite child. I’m always so, so proud of Shadow to Light, and I love The Dark and the Unknown ‘verse, and Hybrid is just hanging out there, chilling and ugh. My babies <3 

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?  TwilightFicMas was a huge risk! I wasn’t sure anyone cared unless I was posting more Shadow to Light, and people were SO nice and enthusiastic. So I guess the lesson is shut up and share more fic? Get out of your own head and spend time in the community because fandom isn’t meant to be lonely?

Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the New Year?  I’m starting a graphic design business AND my masters in design in 2020, so I figure fic is going to be my downtime next year. Ideally, I would love to get STL finished, Memento Vivere’s sequel going, and have a few of my shorter pieces posted. I would really love to get some of my original stuff ready for publication, but I’d be happy studying, running my business, and doing the fic thing for 2020.  

My best story of this year: That’s up to the readers, I guess. Everyone seemed obscenely enthusiastic about The Unexpected Second Life of Mary Alice Brandon, though, and I was not expecting that at all - I was actually upset that I left the ‘dud’ fic for the last day of FicMas. 

My most popular story: Shadow to Light. Everyone is so nice and enthusiastic and polite about that one. I’m not used to it! Fandom for me is usually me sitting in a corner, doin’ my obscure thing, and maybe one or two people will read what I’m working on.

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion:  I think everyone was super enthusiastic and nice about everything I posted this year. Maybe Folie A Deux? But like, that reflects more on me and the excerpts that I chose to post rather than the fic or the audience itself. 

Most fun story to write:  The Unexpected Second Life of Mary Alice Brandon because that Alice is so happy; I have this playlist for it that is super upbeat and funky. 

Hybrid is fun because that Alice likes to torment Jasper. He understands Edward on a molecular level once Alice arrives. 

Most Sexy Story: The Dark and the Unknown is the front-runner for that, because most of the sexy goings-on in Shadow to Light is very much focused on the psychological and emotional aspects rather than the physical.

Story with the single sexiest moment:  The Dark and the Unknown. I am still deeply uncomfortable writing sex scenes, so this may be the only one I ever do. The implication of a blow job in Shadow to Light nearly kill me tbh.

The forest behind the school is silent; just her breathing, and the slight wind. No birds or wildlife, none of the hum of the traffic or of the school.

They don’t undress more than necessary, her skirt slid to her hips, and he takes her roughly against a tree, flakes of bark falling into the dirt. She is hot and slick, and silent as he fucks her, his fingers digging into her hips, a growl rising in his chest. She is every bit his fantasy; the smell of damp flowers, the sweetness of her flesh, her willing supplication. His fingers tear through the lace of her tights as he grips her thighs, and the heels of her shoes must be bending, she’s digging them into the backs of his legs so hard.

Most “holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you” story:  The Long Way Around makes Jasper and Alice’s relationship pretty fucked up, and tbh I look back at it and really struggle with how dark it is and how dark Jasper’s character becomes. There’s a reason that Shadow to Light is the ‘official’ version - it’s a better balance, and I actually think Maria is a lot more interesting in Shadow to Light as a villain with complex relationships with both Jasper and Alice to the point where none of them really want to have to kill each other, but there is a lot of hate on both sides. 

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters:  That’s a hard question. Shadow to Light definitely did that because I had to consider what happened when you took Alice out of the picture, and how that changed what happened, and considered the inter-family relationships. So much of canon relies on Alice’s visions that things can’t just happen the same way. 

Hardest story to write: Shadow to Light isn’t easy because I have such a specific idea of how it plays out, how it ‘looks’ in my head, and because Alice is so fundamentally different to canon. More innocent when it comes to normal interactions, and so controlled because it meant life or death - but she’s still got to be Alice in a way that people can recognize. It also has to sound right? If I can’t get the right turn of phrase for one scene, it has to be put aside until I can work it out. 

 All These Broken Things is hard because I started it back in, like, 2014ish and my writing and understanding of the characters and canon has changed so much - plus there are a few sections that came to me quite early in the writing, and now sound really out of place, but are such a strong linchpin for the story that I have to rework them in. It’s a good kind of hard, though, because I’ve improved so much, my ideas and goals are more refined. 

Most disappointing:  Omens is a little bitch, honestly. I started it for a fic contest and kept going to explore Alice’s human life, and it doesn’t quite feel like my writing? It needs reworking, and be a little less obvious because I think the ‘four horsemen of the apocalypse’ is a good theme for a Human!Alice fic. 

Easiest story to write: Depends on my mood; Hybrid is great when I’m in kind of a ‘girls kicking ass’ mood and boot up my action girls playlist.

Biggest surprise:  Hybrid started as a love story that was basically ‘yeah, let’s make this shit super dramatic and overwrought’, and turned into this actual story with a huge focus on family and relationships. I can’t remember why I decided Alice’s father had a husband except that I was thinking about small town ‘otherness’, and LGBT+ people can and are still considered ‘other’ in these spaces. 

Then you add in Alice and Cynthia who are basically in the same boat but have been separated for their entire lives. Alice has knowledge in her corner, whilst having to fight through foster care, abuse, and hospital; whilst Cynthia has lived a very normal but privileged life as the daughter of a mixed-race same-sex couple in a very small town. I went full-hog with this, and added in an extended family, because I really hated how canon went balls-to-the-wall to isolate Bella from everyone, including Charlie. 

Like, this thing is a monster, and whilst I plan to sit down and rewrite the outline (which dates back to 2016, and I hate the ending of), I stopped outlining at 65 freaking chapters. 

Most unintentionally telling story:  I think this question that still confuses me finally gets a decent answer in The Dark and the Unknown - Jasper is seeing most of it from his perspective, and there isn’t a ton of dialogue. I’ve tried to avoid an info-dump, but it’s meant to be quite supernatural in tone, and focusing on vampire senses and gifts enhances that. 

Story I’d like to revise:  All These Broken Things wins that one. Due to the age of the piece, there are some pacing and tone issues in later chapters that are the reason I haven’t formally posted it. 

Story I didn’t write but will at some point, I swear: Oh man, I really want to finish A Thousand Years of Solitude, which is a Tanya fic. I’m really happy with what I’ve got so far, but it sounds smarter and more layered than it really is, so I’m kind of stuck. 

Mad World because Romani!Alice is super sassy and taking 0% of Swan or Cullen bullshit - I think 90% of my fic is just me going, “yeah, that’s not how normal people react.” And I’m a sucker for gothic horror. 

What else? Aww, Against A Wall which is AU Human Jasper coming from the shittiest home, and Alice finding him. It’s meant to be short, and another one I have a really clear idea of how it needs to work. 

And the one where Alice’s gift is a sentient power that pushes her to follow it; that Bad Things happen if she doesn’t; that Renesmee was always Endgame for Something, and Alice was a key piece to get that result. Or the one where Aro takes Alice as a ‘guest’ for a period because of Edward and Bella, and Alice’s gift is basically broken. 

Good times. I have like 5 years of fic on this computer, we could be here for awhile. 

[arthur-his-hat]

howdy mat! i never thanked u for the ship so thank u! I just wanted to request some father & son bonding for hosea and his son (reader). have a lovely day/evening/night! :) -hosea anon

of course hosea anon ! you’re one of my most dedicated followers :-)❤️ also i love hosea that’s all.

his kid started drinking coffee at like 8 and became an old man at 15

probably closer with arthur than john bc arthurs themperment is more like hosea, so his presence is more welcome

hosea takes his son on fishing trip like all the time

also !!!! if you prompt charles enough for a stick and poke tattoo, hosea refuses to support you at first

then he’s like “well he’s gonna get one anyway so i might as well support him”

so if you cry he holds your hands lol

also !!! tons of overnight hunting trips thag arthur comes on bc arthr is like ur big brother

also !!!! when you are a tiny tot, hosea and arthur would take turns giving you piggy back rides

hosea does literally anything to get a laugh out of you

this one time he accidentally walked into a pan on the chuck wagon and after that you and arthr called him chuck

for like a month no cap lmao

he never lives it down

!!!! when you were like 5-12 he would hold your hand in public bc he’s so proud to be ur dad omfg

also !!! def still washes your hair for you when u hit ur teens/twenties

it just feels nice when someone else scrubs ur scalp mmm

is there when you have ur first heart ache :-(

hugs u and tells u everything is okay !

hosea would die for you seriously like you’re his pride and joy, and with his wife gone? you’re his whole world

if something happened to you arthur would be the only thing keeping him up right

everyone tells you you look so much like your mother

and when you were a wee little thing you’d snap back and say something like, “i’m a boy!”

and hosea would tell you you’re the most handsome boy ever

bc he means it and he loves u

also !!! massages your scalp when u can’t sleep :-)

literally always breathing down

your neck it’s overwhelming

when you start sneaking out to have sex/date it’s rlly hard so arthur and john cover for you

hosea knows what you’re doin but he trusts you enough to stay safe about it

also !!! if you have a kid in his lifetime holy heck

he’s gonna soil the hell outta that kid no joke

“can i go with papa ? he gives me candy!”

“daaaaaaad”

[avpdnoisearchive]

I'm so sorry :(. It breaks my heart that you say you're realized you're not well in any way because I've always had the belief that full recovery isn't possible and I've found myself in the same damn place, one tiny thing and it all falls apart and I'm worse that I was when I first fell :(. I know how you feel. Please, stay safe. I love you. I'm not lying when I say I care about your wellbeing! Please. Take care. You will soon be home, yes? Any plans for when you get back?

this is so sweet!! i’m in a much much better place today. it was my birthday and i presented at a conference - the conference actually really helped a lot, i was in my element and it kinda grounded me and reminded me of the things i like about myself (namely my career). my sister has been treating me better since i opened up to her and told her a bunch of the shit i’m going through so i think she’s being more considerate..plus me getting out of her apartment and doin’ my own thing has been really helpful

like this trip was defs a wake up call that i’ve just been sorta..ignoring my problems since i moved away. i felt a lot better because i was physically removed from the toxicity of my family and just doin’ my own thing (which are things that i really really like!!!). but i’ve still clearly got issues lmao. just goes to show that there are many layers to recovery!!! i’ve definitely done the first step of getting into a better situation (and trust me that helps A LOT like omg so much wow) but now i just gotta work on the deeper shit that clearly easily resurfaces when i’m placed back in a difficult situation. i definitely didn’t consider myself fully recovered by any means but i am surprised at how quickly i got back into a suicidal, crisis state....so yes more work needs to be done but recovery is a slow and rocky process. a bit disappointing obviously but c’est la vie. i do believe in full recovery to the point that your symptoms are very very manageable and you’re functioning and fulfilled and stable. it’s just.. definitely a process so yeah i totally 100000% share your frustration. it sucks honestly - the struggle is worth it imo but oh boy howdy is it a struggle huh

anyway uhh just used your kind ask to rant a bit about my thoughts but yeah i am excited to get back to my own life. i’m leaving tomorrow (sunday) - my plans are just a lot of video games and then some boring phd responsibility stuff that is annoying but oh well. i’m a bit worried that i’ll start reflecting on this turbulent trip too much and get into a bit of a funk, but like i said i’m gonna look into counselling (AGAIN lol feels like the 100th time) so that’s making me feel more proactive about it i guess. thank you again for caring..it means so much to me

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind