#brick whartley

[emporium]

Meet the Team

[staffs-secret-blog]

Is Brick Whartley a tumblr sexyman? Discuss

[secondbeatsongs]

ah. rip @emporium 😢 I'm glad I snagged some shoelaces after all

[mystery-of-arkham-asylum]

Decided to do some cross stitch but I didn't know what to stitch. I did something and I think it came out well. I made Brick Whartley and some of his friends from the crab @emporium.

May attach it to my jacket. See if anyone gets it.

Hope you enjoy it.

[dognightmare4]

just realized i forgot to post this here

[heartshaped-object]

Thanks for the click-richment @brickwhartley! Until next year!!

[sexymancatalogue]

Tumblr Sexybrick Of The Day #0121

Brick Whartley (Tumblr, 2022)

Art by @heartshaped-object!

List Of Archetypes

Bait

Capitalist

Object Head

Quotable Catchphrase

Suitguy

Urban Legend Aesthetic

Submitted by @dognightmare4!

[dreadfutures]

say what you want about Tumblr decision makers but I wholeheartedly believe the guy running the gift shop is trying his absolute fucking best and I think it has to count for something. like there's a little bit of good in this world.

[unwrapping]

Every merchandising expert needs a LinkedIn profile. Here's the profile for Brick Whartley, Tumblr's Chief Officer of Merchandising and Physical Object Engineering. Brick is a Greendale Community College alum, earning an MBA from Miskatonic University. Prior to Tumblr, Brick served as a memory bank technician at the Tyrell Corporation.

[shwarmii]

**if** this is related to the Tumblr Reduced Staff nonsense (and i assume it is), @emporium, this is amongst my least favorite parts to say the least. i loved your guys' creativity and the products i got 💔 to everybody who has been interested in shopping here: i hope y'all got your shoelaces, tumblers, tea-lites, and/or other stuff you may have wanted :(

[anti-workshop]

Everyone giving themselves carpal tunnel on tumblr. Happy April fools y'all! Brick, you've done it again.

[emporium]

Brick Whartley: Escape From Clawland

After his short-lived stint as Chief Officer of Viral Marketing and Exponential Growth in April, Brick Whartley spent the last nine months banished relaxing on a remote, unnamed desert island 🏝️. 

But one thing about Brick, a career Businessman, is that he found it difficult to relax for long. His brain bubbled over with concepts and pitches and decks and strategies for Maximizing Engagement: he just couldn’t help it! He had ants in his pants and they were saying CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! 

So he gave in to the call of the business plan. 

First it started with a branding exercise: the island needed a name, didn’t it? He called it Carcinopolis, and, with the help of his crab buddies, began designing a brand identity. Unfortunately this brand identity was a total failure as people thought going to the island would give you cancer. But a nimble pivot to an alternative name—Clawland—saw the island make a big impact in the tourism industry, with people coming from all over to dance and party with the energetic inhabitants. 

Tanned and trustable, Brick’s cachet soared, and he moved quickly onto his next project. The problem was that the tourists coming to visit the crabs left when the sun rose, having danced themselves tired. Sure, they had already paid the fare to get onto the island, but as Brick saw them shuffle exhausted down the dock to the boat, his intuition said that there was another Engagement opportunity he was missing in the morning light. 

Then he saw a tourist scoop up a shell from the shore and put it in his pocket as he staggered away. Hey! Brick thought. You should be paying for that! 

And thus, Brick’s Crab Emporium was born. Crab and beach-themed merch for every taste: crab earrings, shell ties, palm tree tees. His operation, staffed entirely by diligent crabs 🦀, began churning out products by the hundred. 

Brick efficiently trained his employees to act as product managers, printers, and salescrabs. The Emporium was so successful that at a certain point it began running itself, and Brick once again grew bored. He wanted to expand once more beyond the bounds of his island. 

True, every time he had tried, he had failed… but as he gazed out over the horizon, he felt the call of Tumblr once more. The dashboard would never truly leave him. 

He took out his shellphone 🐚 and speed-dialed his secret but loyal connection on the inside. “Hey, buddy!” he said. “Listen, I’ve got a business proposal for you. Have you ever thought about taking your merch operation to the big-time? My man, I’ll cut you a deal: you bring me on as Chief Officer of Merchandising and Physical Object Engineering, and I’ll ship out a fleet of my elite craftscrabs and mailcrabs to help cut and glue and ship it all out 📦. At no additional cost! Now whaddya say to that??????”

[turningvioletviolet]

This is by far the funniest notification I’ve ever gotten on LinkedIn

[disneyprincessdxminatrix]

I’m probably the only person who feels like this but I really like all the characters tumblr keeps introducing. Pikaman, Brick Whartley, Roberd Dobberson. You don’t get this on other websites! Gimme more funky guys !!

[cupcakeshakesnake]

Need a boost? Crabs are here to pinch you into productivity!

April Fools was months ago, but er... thanks?

Edit: To whoever gifted me the crabs, thank you very much <3