#bscs rambling

[biggsodorcitystories]

2024 Edward Medley!

I want to do more drawing of other people's designs, and what would be better than to do a medley of Edwards (an Edwardley? Edley?)

So I picked a few other people's Edward designs and drew them together with my fem-Edward. I love all these designs so much, and their creators are all people whose artstyle I adore, with at least two being wonderful friends!

Edwards from right to left:

@bruhstation

@shikariiin

@lindseynicole1999

The homegirl Edward of BiggSodorCityStories

@trainsandkitties

@hkpika07

@crinkly-spinkly (with dessert)

If your Edward isn't among these, it doesn't mean I don't love them too (all Edwards are good Edwards in this house), but there were restrictions for space, as well as those (particularly those in engine form) that I lack the skill to attempt.

[jollycryptid]

I went for my university's yearbook photoshoot for graduating students & I'll be done in the end of next month, so did a silly drawover :3c

[wayfayrr]

Does anyone else ever link things from stuff from the field they're studying/ working to characters when they're writing?

Because Time is granite to me now.

[staceymcgillicuddy]

annual writing self-evaluation

Thanks to @astorytotellyourfriends for the tag - I didn't do this last year!

1. List of works published this year (in the order that they were posted):

If She Lived in Space, Man, I'd Build A Plane crimson & clover pulling overtime model citizen; zero discipline what you give just serves me right two jack trippers and a chrissy perception check all my kinktober fills a hollow tree

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Gosh, that's hard. I'm proud of all of them for different reasons, and I have issues with all of them for different reasons. I guess I would say "what you give just serves me right" makes me happy, and was something I had to push myself to do, but I was pleased with how it turned out in the end.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

I hate that I have two fics out that I haven't updated in ages! I am not proud of that! And there are a few things in all of them that I'd tweak.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

Oh golly. Alright, from a hollow tree, which was my Halloween fic featuring Lilith!succubus!Chrissy:

Fog slips into the van when he opens the door. A mist so thick it’s disorienting as he drops to the ground, and the shape of a girl forms itself out of the gloom.

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

Almost every single regular commenter on Soul makes my heart sing and my panties drop, and I'm so sorry my brain is being stupid right now.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Right goddamn now. It's like squeezing blood from a fucking stone, and I have no idea why, but everything comes out strained and blechy and I hate it, and I refuse to inflict it on anyone else so I'll just sit like a lump, churning out crap and never showing it to anyone.

7. A scene or character that you wrote that surprised you:

Genuinely did not think that I would get so into the Hopper/Chrissy/Eddie dynamic as I did when I wrote it as a crackship as part of kinktober. But, like, I could get DOWN with that shit.

Also, Hellcheerington surprised me. Oh, and writing Eddie's dad for Soul was weirdly cathartic? I was determined to make him a person and not a collection of cliches, which was easier said than done. I think I got there, in the end. Hope so, anyway!

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I didn't, I fucking regressed. Or, no, not really. I pushed myself a bit, tried to get sharper and cleaner with some prose. Read some theory books, worked on my rhetorical devices, forced myself to kill a couple darlings along the way (but not all the darlings, god damn it).

I also published a book, so yay?

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I'd like to get back to writing original fiction. I've been in a slump with that, too, because it doesn't have the instantaneous feedback that fanfic does. I want to split my time between fic and pro writing stuff, and I want to be very realistic about how much mental energy my real job takes up. When I used to write like a madwoman, I didn't have the role I currently do, which is a senior project manager leading a team, working mostly with executive-level staff. Don't get me wrong, my job pisses me off a lot, and stresses me out, too, but it pays well and we live in a shithole of a society where money matters in the grand scheme of things.

So, like, I guess I hope to grow as a writer in writing even when my brain doesn't want me to, or it doesn't feel great to do so.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Freaking Shirley Jackson, man. That bitch can write.

11. Anything in your real life show up in your writing this year:

I'm always putting kinky shit I see or experience at the bdsm club into my fic. I am as God made me.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Everything is made up and the points don't matter. Stop comparing yourself to other authors. Turn off stats on your AO3. Write what you fucking want and quit worrying if other people are going to like it.

13. Any new projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I'm going to be so, so glad when Soul is done because I love it so much but it is also the millstone around my neck.

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read:

@binickandros, @pipergirl17 and @phoenixwrites please!

[goldenfox3]

100 FUCKING PERCENT ON MY F-ZERO X FINAL PAPER BABEY!!! 🥳🥳🥳🕺🕺🕺

[reverie-starlight]

lol my physics midterm is tmr (yes, the semester just started less than a month ago, I hate the testing schedule for STEM students at my university) but instead of studying I’m wondering why tf I’m gonna need PROJECTILE MOTION FOR THE MCAT WHY DO DOCTORS NEED TO KNOW FUCKING MOTION AND KINEMATIC EQUATIONS PLEASE EXPLAIN. OPTICS I GET CAUSE EYE DOCTORS BUT???? DISPLACEMENT??? SCALAR AND VECTOR QUANTITIES??? F R I C T I O N ? 

[watering-plastic-plants]

full marks on my statistics final im so back in my academic excellence era

[biggsodorcitystories]

Happy 4/4 Day!

It's a day late, but all the same!

So, here's my slightly delayed 4/4 day picture.

Gordon would never countenance the indignity of such a thing, but he's in the middle of learning that you never cross Top Hat in a battle of snobbery!

At least Zug is having a much more pleasant experience meeting Peter Sam - who will always make time to feed a child (Zug is 19, but kinda short)

[cupofwater6]

rambling (long) about everyones favorite ex-lawyers but it’s under a read-more because train-of-thought thinking

glad that I’m not alone in being a little tired of reading about characters getting what they deserve in this show and rallying up their misdeeds and good moments like a point system. But in expressing that it made me worried I’m coming across as not caring about their actions which I can joke about, but the guilt and emotions surrounding everything they do is a big part of the message, I feel. I thought a big point of Waterworks was to show that mindless self punishment not only will never erase the past, it will never help you or anyone else change, it changes nothing. I thought about Jesse’s bewilderment at the group therapist telling him that punishing yourself and never giving into self-acceptance will ensure that you do it again. Like what’s the point? Self-acceptance means embracing those bad parts, where’s the retribution, so what’s the point? Guilt and compassion and regret are very important emotions to me, but you don’t have to live a life of punishing yourself endlessly. At the same time, gunning down the self-acceptance road after any wrong action without assessing takes away the gravity of it all. You can definitely practice self-acceptance with, or without, guilt. You can practice self-punishment with, or without, change. Jesse is wracked with guilt and the therapist is telling him to simply go “hooray for me” after the mindless killing of Gale. So what is the point of doing good for yourself, or doing good at all, if an action like that is supposedly hand waived away? 

I thought Kim and Jimmy represent both sides of these. Facets? It’s not even a two-sided question but whatever. I’m not saying Jimmy accepts himself in the general sense at all, no, it’s pathological as to how far he packages away his feelings and identity, being Jimmy McGill hurts so he dons the flat, stripped down and cartoonish Saul persona like a space blanket. But in doing so he takes his actions as an inevitable part of him, and continues down the path he took, relapsing into scamming (ya I do see it as an addiction metaphor). The times where he does try to make it right are often the last things he wants to do, and he doesn’t always follow through. In Lantern he says as much. “I’m not good at building shit, you know? I’m excellent at tearing it down.” I feel like he does accept his bad parts in a way where, he’s told that he’s made of nothing else but those parts. By Chuck namely but also by the hand he’s dealt. So if he’s bad, he will continue being bad, instead of roasting himself in a personal hell to make up for it, to put it simply. There’s no room to be good if I’m an inevitable fuck up. I don’t even agree with the self-fulfilling prophecy description of their relationship because Jimmy is his own person and not some mindless being pushed by Chuck’s whims but he is obviously deeply affected by it and it colors so many of his decisions. In the end, Jesse does accept he’s the bad guy. A sense of calm settles on his actions, like armor, to allow him to become one of Mike and Gus’s solid guys. Walter expresses confusion at this during the diner scene. He hurt people so he will continue to do so, instead of drowning his guilt and wasting away. That doesn’t erase his guilt but it’s more like he’s forcing himself to push through it. And Saul’s persona is sort of like that sort of armor, but that armor grows and grows until you wonder while watching Breaking Bad, how far is he going to take “I’m bad so I’ll keep being bad”? What happened to the man who spent his free time personally reaching out to his elderly clients and trying to help them get the justice they deserved? Saul Goodman would not hold an old lady’s hand and promise he’ll get her will done for 40 bucks. He wouldn’t even be writing wills lol 

Then there is Kim who is dogged in trying to atone for her actions. Everything has to be made right and she isn’t allowed to breathe until it does. When the perfect crime is committed she can’t live with herself and strips away her identity, her personality, her judgement and choices. Her choices are what lead to the conclusion, to Howard’s death, to having to lie to Cheryl, to breaking Jimmy. She is complicit in the poisoning of their relationship, the other half of the poison. She can’t fix it or undo what happened and what kind of person she’s become so instead she punishes herself endlessly. She tells Jimmy to turn himself in because the life he’s living “can’t be much” (and she’s right they’re both essentially in purgatory) but when he flips it on her, that’s just exactly what she does. In a hopeless way. No amount of sorry or affidavits written will ever bring Howard back and erase the reputation she gleefully planned for him with Jimmy, a plan she came up with at first. Bringing this to Cheryl 6 years later, on top of that, with a disturbing explanation that has 0 witnesses or evidence, so now there’s no point in the eyes of the law of giving Kim that punishment she craves. Of course I’m thinking about her earrings origin story, of course I’m thinking about her love for fixing things. The way she went about seeking both retribution and fixing her mistakes ended up where exactly with her? Everyone is miserable, and still, she can’t let go of that guilt. She ended up hurting people again with this attempt to fix it and to make things right. She hurt Jimmy in the process of trying to fix him and offering this scam to distract from the looming threat, tries to fix Howard's injustices towards them both by dishing out this retribution. (not that she planned for Lalo to show up but even if he didn't that's cruelty beyond Howard tampering with their careers)

But then what’s the right course of action and who’s to say anyone can level out the correct amount of punishment towards themselves? As if there’s a correct amount of guilt points accrued until it’s all ‘okay’? I love you, I accept you, but so what? You can’t punish yourself forever, but what’s the point?

I literally do not have an answer, it’s a topic I’ve thought and wondered a lot in my life independent of tv and whatnot, and I can’t wholly agree with anything I read or hear about it. I’m of the opinion that there is never going to be an answer that can be generally applicable to any situation. It’s why Jesse was rightfully upset. I really don’t know where I’m going with this post but I’m pre-emptively apologizing for any forgotten points or misunderstanding of a scene let’s talk it out and clarify because I never see the full picture when it comes to this show I’m discovering something daily. I’ll end this with I think Jimmy and Kim should fuck in a lavender field and roleplay as bugs

[zaharya]

ADHD science ramble – a comment response

So if you know me at all, you know I have ADHD and also a neuroscience degree. Meaning sometimes I ramble a lot about the science behind ADHD and ADHD meds. Generally, people appreciate it at best, or ignore it at worst – but apparently not on reddit! So, I'm coming home – forgive me for straying, Tumblr, please give me back my belief in people's ability to understand nuance.

The comment below was in response to a post asking about ADHD medication, including concerns about stimulants and addiction, and the question of "will I quit these meds or is this a life-long thing". They also mentioned "rejection sensitive dysphoria" (which is not a medical term!) and asked for other people's insights on any of these things. I tried to give that. The original post is now suddenly deleted, and the comment was invisible even before then for whatever reason (I won't speculate whether it was censored by the mods or not, it doesn't matter.)

But since those are all pretty general topics and this was a lot of effort to write, I'm re-posting it here in the hopes someone will benefit from it – it may just read a bit odd at times because it addresses the OP of that post. So if ADHD medication, treatment approaches, stigma, or emotional dysregulation are at all relevant or interesting to you, give it a glance. There's a TL:DR at the bottom as well. If Tumblr could stop bitching at me about the formatting that'd be great. Please ignore potential oddities with the list levels.

COMMENT RESPONSE IN VERBATIM

OKAY SO, buckle in my friend because you have activated my ADHD research deep dive mode. For the record and some context as to where I got all this; I have a BSc in Psychology, and did a research masters in cognitive and clinical neuroscience. Throughout both degree programs, I've written every single paper I could choose the topic for about some aspect of ADHD. (I do not have a license for psychotherapy yet, but I am getting one.) I also just have ADHD myself. What I’m trying to say is: I know way too much about ADHD and now I must tell you about it because what else am I supposed to do with it — ANYWAY … I should probably structure this somehow so it’s less overwhelming. We’ll try this:

Medication

Strattera/Atomoxetine (ATX); how it works, why it may or may not be working for you

Stimulants; how it works, evidence regarding the risk of dependency and abuse, connections to other substance use (since you mentioned nicotine)

Long-term treatment plans; factors to consider / questions for you to evaluate for yourself

RSD — probably a rant, first; why buzzwords are counterproductive even if the experience is 100% valid

Emotional dysregulation; research again, also potentially about meds

rejection sensitivity slkjdsjfs it escalated, help

Community and peer support

Yes? Yes. Feel free to skip any parts that are too sciency, if that doesn’t interest you!

First of all, congratulations on your diagnosis! You’ve already made one of the hardest steps. But let’s get into it, shall we?

ADHD Medication

Non-stimulants / Atomoxetine (ATX)

I must say, I am quite surprised that you were prescribed ATX as your first option, given that stimulants are very firmly established as first-line treatment.

Regardless, a couple of facts about it: ATX is a selective noradrenaline (NA) reuptake inhibitor, which also affects dopamine (DA) levels, specifically in the prefrontal cortex (PFC) because— well because brain chemistry. (I’m trying very hard to keep this simple, can you tell?) Basically, the idea is to regulate DA levels through an indirect mechanism via NA. And that works pretty well, generally. ATX is effective for approximately 50-60% of people, and the effects reach moderate strength.

Now you said that you don’t really notice any effect; that can have several possible reasons:

It just doesn’t work for you; 50-60% of people show a response, sure — but the other 40-50% do not! Unfortunately it is possible that you simply are part of those 40-50% non-responders.

The exact mechanisms of that are still unclear, but there are many factors that might influence someone’s drug response, including individual differences in metabolism, genetic factors etc. --- we’re still researching that

ATX, unlike stimulants, doesn’t necessarily have immediate effects. Full therapeutic effects are generally not evaluated until at least 2-3 weeks after starting it. That also means that the effects can develop slowly, which can make them harder to notice because it’s a somewhat gradual change.

On top of that, if your doctor is even the slightest shred of competent (which I hope), they’ll probably have started at a fairly low dose, meaning that;

you might just not feel it yet, but the effect may still emerge

you might need a higher dose; if that’s the case, this increase is generally done step-wise and quite slowly, to monitor the effects (and side-effects) properly. I suggest asking your doctors about what kind of trajectory they have in mind, so you can decide whether that suits you.

You mentioned mood swings; definitely mention that to your doctor! Psychological side-effects of ATX should be closely monitored

Note that this is especially important if someone has (potentially undiagnosed) comorbid disorders. I don’t know whether that’s the case for you, but better to be aware either way.

All that said, I also take ATX and I must say that on its own its effects are barely noticeable for me. It’s only because I know that my symptoms can be worse that I even consider it effective. I am an unusual case, though, regarding med-response etc. and I take ATX in combination with Elvanse (Lisdexamfetamine; LDX).

Which I guess brings us to stimulants. You say you’re reluctant out of fear to form a dependency, if I understand correctly. Well, the research is quite interesting in that regard — but let’s cover the basics first.

Stimulants

Stimulants, i.e., various types of amphetamines (AMP) and methylphenidates (MPH), are the standard first-line treatment for ADHD. Both AMP- and MPH-class drugs essentially increase the efficiency of the PFC —same as ATX — but where ATX only directly targets NA, AMP and MPH inhibit the reuptake of DA itself as well as NA reuptake. This direct effect on DA levels is basically (very basic; oversimplified even) what makes them stimulants. It is also likely the root for your concerns about dependence risks, because DA is involved in our reward-system in the brain — i.e. the thing that tells you “i want more of this”.

So, yeah, these concerns are not unfounded, HOWEVER

It is important to remember/note that a lot of the public narrative around ADHD and ADHD medication is heavily distorted by stigma. The number of people who worry about stimulants being addictive is leagues away from the actual prevalence of stimulant abuse/dependence.

This also kinda ties into your question about whether you will stop taking meds at some point or not; the idea that treatment must be temporary roots in the stigmatisation of mental health treatment.

I’m not saying that life-long medication treatment is a delight and a joy, but I also don’t think that it is the ultimate evil it’s sometimes made out to be. –– EXAMPLE: Think of a diabetic; they will need insulin for the rest of their life, but in their case nobody would ever suggest that them taking it is somehow a bad thing.

Mental health in general is unfortunately still heavily stigmatised, and that also impacts the narrative around treatment options, including medication. And more often than not, public beliefs about psychiatric conditions are downright and blatantly wrong.

In this particular case, actual research indicates that stimulant treatment actually decreases the risk for substance abuse in ADHDers. (Generally, adequate ADHD treatment reduces risks for all sorts of unpleasant things, like comorbid disorders, social isolation, divorce, accidents — I could go on. Not the point.)

The point is that overall, from a research perspective, the risk of drug dependence due to stimulant medication is quite low. Hell, literally everyone I know who takes ADHD meds will go “shit I forgot my meds” at least every other month or so.

Of course that doesn’t mean that we can all just pop stims however we like without a care in the world. As with any other medication, monitoring effects and side-effects together with a doctor is key.

With all that said, there is good reason why stimulants are first-line treatment for ADHD: 65-80% of people show a treatment response, and for a lot of people who don’t initially experience an effect, switching to another type of stimulant will often do the trick (total response rates of ~90%). Besides the fact that they work for more people, they also generally work better than non-stimulants, meaning that the symptom improvements are stronger for stimulants. Does this mean you should just get over yourself and go for stimulants because they’re clearly superior? Of course not.

Medication response is ultimately a very individual thing; it is basically impossible to know how you’ll react to any given medication before you try it. So in the end, it really comes down to what you want. It’s your decision, based on your priorities and values.

The same goes for your question of “will I take these meds forever” — that’s up to you!

Generally speaking, ADHD doesn’t go away. It is not something you grow out of any more than you can grow a second brain to replace the one you have. And our brains have ADHD. So, symptom-wise, we will always experience ADHD to some degree at least.

Of course, there are plenty of other treatment approaches such as CBT and literal mountains of helpful strategies to learn about and use. And that’s wonderful! Still, therapy alone is generally considered less effective than meds, but it does help. The best treatment approaches are multimodal, i.e. a combination of pharmacological treatment and behavioural interventions. Aka we take meds and go to therapy. Amazing.

So let’s say you’ve taken meds for a while, you’ve gone to therapy, you’ve learnt all the strategies — you decide to quit the meds. What happens?

Well first of all, nobody can know that beforehand, so keep in mind that these are hypothetical assumptions based on scenarios that research described as likely

Anyway, you quit whatever meds that ended up working for you. Ideally, you do that slowly so you don’t have any withdrawal issues, but eventually you’re off the meds. As a result, your brain isn’t getting that neurotransmitter boost anymore that the meds created (though some research shows that some benefits might persist, yay!), meaning that cognitive impairments are stronger again.

Does this mean all your symptoms come back? Well, yes and no. On a basic brain level, impairments return at least in part, but the strategies you learnt in therapy might still help you cope with those impairments better than you used to before.

So you might be overall more functional, thanks to those strategies, yes.

But strategies will not fix your brain chemistry, and if there’s no dopamine there’s no dopamine, and suddenly you spent all day in bed. Or you’re staring at your work open in front of you feeling like there’s a thick panel of glass between you and your screen/keyboard and you just cannot make yourself type. These things won’t go away, and strategies will not always do the trick

Personally, I dread the idea of living my life entirely off meds. My main hobby is writing, which is nearly impossible without my meds — and even if I had a less challenging hobby; I want to do things in life, not waste my time trying to get myself to brush my teeth. But, again, that is a very personal decision that you ultimately have to make for yourself.

Still, here are a few things to consider that might help you evaluate your options:

Need — what are your primary needs? Which symptoms are impacting you most? (Yes I’m getting to the RSD sfksjhgj)

Want — what are things you want beyond the most important needs? Where do your priorities lie?

Benefit — what benefit are you getting from [medication X]? How much positive effect does it have on your symptoms? On your life as a whole?

Need-benefit — do the benefits fulfil your essential needs? —> if not, that’s probably not the right med for you

Want-benefit — do the benefits fulfil your wants beyond the essentials?

Cost — what costs is [medication X] causing you? Do you have side-effects, if so what are they, how bad, how frequent?

Cost-benefit — do the benefits outweigh the costs, on a somewhat objective level? (effects vs side-effects)

Cost-benefit-want — Are the benefits worth the costs, also taking your individual values, concerns and goals into account?

This last one can get quite complicated, I’ll admit, but in the end I feel like this one is what tips the scale for a lot of people.

You could have the most amazing improvements, if you suffer side effects that keep you from something that is important to you, it’s probably not worth it in the end.

Vice versa, in my case, if it means I can write, I will accept that I’ll feel incredibly nauseated on some days for like 1-3 hours. It all comes down to individual choices in the end.

-deep breath- So, that was a lot, whops. So much, that I should actually go and work, so I’ll try to keep the RSD thing short. Conveniently, the AutoMod already summed up the most important bits:

RSD is not a recognised medical term

Instead of RSD, it is better to use concepts and terminology with solidly established definitions such as emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitivity to talk about the experiences people tend to label RSD

This is particularly important when consulting mental health professionals; well established concepts enable them to assess your symptoms and needs better than vague, ill-defined buzzwords. I have had people tell me they were going to switch to another doctor because theirs wasn’t familiar with RSD --- that is an issue!

Buzzwords like that tend to hinder treatment progress, because they are too vague to be properly informative. Most people have a very specific conceptual definition of RSD --- namely the one that describes their own symptoms best.

That renders it basically useless as a communicative device. Doctors cannot mind-read; you are doing yourself a favour if your communication (including terminology) is as clear as possible.

Obviously nobody expects you to know specialised medical terms --- just try to avoid buzzwords; of any kind! RSD is just a very very popular one and therefore warrants repeated clarification.

Now, just cause it’s not A Thing(tm), doesn’t mean it’s not a problem. And yes, the experience of rejection sensitivity in ADHD is valid and should not be dismissed!

Emotional dysregulation is actually one of the most prevalent and most impacting symptoms of ADHD, but because it isn’t part of the diagnostic criteria, a lot of people aren’t even aware of how much ADHD impacts emotions — and how much that impacts life for ADHDers. Emotional dysregulation leads to all sorts of other problems, like social isolation or comborbid mood disorders like depression or bipolar. So, clearly, it’s something should be addressed when it comes to treatment.

And would you look at that, they did! Yay!

Research shows that stimulants are effective for reducing symptoms of emotional dysregulation; as mentioned earlier, ideally you combine that with therapy.

Especially for emotional dysregulation, therapy — not just strategies, therapy — can be very beneficial, because emotions are hard. A lot of ADHDers, especially those that only get their diagnosis in adulthood, develop suboptimal coping mechanisms throughout their life that are very hard to dismantle without help. But resolving those patterns often makes an immense impact on the general quality of life.

Conclusion: Get a good therapist. It’s worth it. (Good = someone you trust and click with, you have to be comfortable.)

Now, one last thing (almost done I promise), because you said you don’t really have anyone to talk to about this:

I strongly encourage you to actively seek out ADHD communities in a format that lends itself to connecting with people on a personal level.

So, quick story time: Back in 2018, I (by complete coincidence) stumbled over a video of a TEDxTalk about ADHD on Patreon – who even browses Patreon?! Anyway, I watched it. Cried. A lot. Backed that Patreon immediately, before even looking at the actual YouTube channel it was for. The Patreon came with Discord rewards — I had never heard of Discord but there’s nothing like ADHD impulsivity, so I made a Discord account and joined that server.

Literally my whole life has changed since then. My perspective on ADHD has changed so so much simply through seeing other people having the same struggles, and yet they were still unique. And it was a wild ride. I look at some of the beliefs I used to have and am baffled at myself. But that’s not the main point, though knowledge always does help. No, the main point isn’t another strategy or lifehack. The main point are friends. True, actual friends who accept you, but also understand you.

When I joined that server, I very quickly met a lot of people. It was wonderful to suddenly be in a space where people related to my experiences that had previously always singled me out as weird or rude or incompetent or whatever. And all those people were lovely, but they’re not the friends I mean; most of them I am not in touch with anymore. I mean the select few. They are what made the biggest difference for me. I met one of my top two best friends like 2 months after joining the server, when we both became moderators. We later did community management together for over a year, until I moved on to other things — they are still Community Manager there! I flew to the other side of the planet for their wedding. We spend hours on video chat sometimes, both just working and hanging out because we like each other’s company (and it helps us focus). I can tell them anything, even if I hate what I did or didn’t do or say or think.

Those friends.

And I don’t know you, obviously, so maybe you already have that friend, in which case I’m very happy for you. But judging by your statement that you have nobody to talk to—

I’m not saying that joining an ADHD community will magically drop a best friend for you out of the sky, but it’s honestly not a bad start. Simply gaining the peer support of people who understand and relate to your experiences is worth it.

Okay, phew. Now I’m done. For your convenience;

TL;DR

non-stimulants might still take effect or you might need a different dose

stimulants are heavily stigmatised and the actual risk for substance dependence is quite low if the treatment is properly monitored by a medical professional

ADHD doesn’t go away; we will always have ADHD brains and there will always be issues that cannot be solved with strategies

It’s up to you to decide whether you want to take medication for it, and whether you want to take them long-term or not. I personally am fairly certain that I will continue to take these meds as long as I can. Even though there are downsides, the benefits are more than worth it for me.

Emotions are hard, everyone should go to therapy.

Make ADHD friends! (I personally really like Discord communities; I can recommend the HowToADHD community — that’s the server I mentioned earlier — but it’s unfortunately behind a (very low) paywall. If you don’t know that YouTube channel, I’d also recommend checking out Jess’s videos.)

But back to the point: Friends. Whichever platform you are comfortable with – try connecting with people beyond surface level conversations in public comments/threads/channels. Slide into those DMs!

And that’s all. That was way too long and I apologise. I hope any of it was helpful and understandable, I know I can get a bit sciency sometimes. If anything is unclear just ask. Good luck with your journey! It might be hard in the beginning, but it gets easier with time, I promise.

END VERBATIM

I hope anyone finds this useful, if only for validation. Shit's hard, but we'll all be fine, together.

[staceymcgillicuddy]

Magical fucking Friday. I have two (2) dates tonight which I'm honestly kind of jazzed about because I hate dating so much and this way I only have to do my makeup and hair once, then meet Person 1 for coffee at 6 and Person 2 at a club at 8:30 and sure, I'm changing outfits between, but that's minimal effort for maximal reward.

(100% sent my location on Life360 to a friend though because I'm not trying to get abducted.)

Annnnnyway, instead of stressing I've been working feverishly. Got Chapter 27 SPAGed and sent to the beta who sent me "!!!!!!!!!!!" as a text when she finished it.

Then I edited about 2k of Kinkmeme 2, also a win.

THEN, thanks to a little nudge from @aiea3414, I worked on the college/townie AU that's an expansion of this prompt from @pipergirl17. And somehow? It morphed into a whole thing? Where Eddie never went to live with Wayne, and his dad never went to prison, and OH BOY we get to explore Eddie's growth as a man and a boyfriend from a whole new perspective because he hasn't had much of a role model on that front yet!

Otherwise known as, oh no, Chrissy's falling for a fuckboy with a heart of gold!

[meerealsssss]

intro !!

reading is recommended so you know what you're getting yourself into :3

last edit: 4/18/24

Hi! I'm mee. (weird ass name.)

she/her

side blogs are @m-writingphase (writing blog) and @sambroadlysbignaturals (fanfic of my own book)

EST

likes: pjo (all series, but i only finished the main series), bsc (im only to book 45), music, writing, drawing, rain/thunder, warm weather, reading, sleeping, musicals, and theatre

extra

child of Apollo

capricorn (born dec. 25🎄‼️)

i play the flute (terribly)

im not religious (but i will respect you if you are)

i will love you forever if you send anon love /p

tags!

my rambling - #mee's silly silly

answered asks - #asks 😍😍‼️

band class tag - #band class is wild

my book - #brokenly beloved

school posts - #sckahool !!

random one word posts - #mee's one word shitpost

posts formatted like a letter to someone - #mee sending non-existent notes again

small (mainly vent) posts that come out of nowhere - #ignore my rambling

big long vent posts - #mee's public diary

random 'chapter' names based on experiences - #life chapters

pjo tag - #percy jackass

may add more over time

DNI

racists, pedophiles, z00philes, porn blogs

if you hate on therians/furries, LGBTQ+, other religions, and don't respect them then this isn't a place for you

this is meant to be a safe place

names of people i talk about!

evan - @moonysfavoritetoast

ace/mercury - @nasadoggo

alex to the power of r - irl alex from school (he/him)

apollo - usually my dad

dragon/🐉 - my stepmom

ms kopykat - my ela teacher

mrs dodds - my math teacher (very fitting)

mr skeleton - my science teacher

mr margarine/margarita - my soc. studies teacher

mr sharpie - my band teacher

mama - my sixth grade teacher

kitty kat/katlynn/kat - main book character from a book i wrote

peyton - a former-friend of kat

alex to the power of b - alex from my book

sam/ - another friend of kat

jazon - zombie from my book

haley - a more childer child from my book

where else am i?

my youtube

my tiktok (almost never active)

pintrest (like i said, almost never active)

old intro here

[emililyqueer]

so... this is just kind of a personal emotional dump. i don't want to bring anyone down, you can ignore this if you just want to do the sexy stuff.

but it is an insight into me, so ya know. here it is. it turned out a lot longer than i wanted... to be honest it's sort of turned into my life story. um. sorry.

i spent so much of my life being ashamed and confused and depressed. i suppose, the thing is... i'm tired of watching other people live the life that i wanted to live.

i was brought up in a very conservative small town, in the middle of fkin nowhere. the place was extremely homogenous. no (visibly) gay or trans people, almost no people of colour. i had a single, disabled mother. my dad was very mentally ill, and he was abusive and violent with it, and even though he left when i was in single digits, he's left some very deep scars on me. i went to school under the time of the Section 28 law - which is to say, LGBT issues were banned in school, and bullying gay and trans kids was absolutely allowed to happen, or else the teachers could be seen as "taking a side" on a "controversial issue". this happened to me multiple times. i hated school. even though i started off in life with a passion of learning, going there broke my enthusiasm for literally decades.

i was queer, and i was in denial. i... sort of understood, i think?? but i realised very young that i couldn't rely on anyone, not my parents, not my teachers, not my peers. i grew up obsessed with the idea of self-reliance and some fucked up idea of personal strength. even after a university friend of mine came out, and i realised i might be trans, i still clung to these ideas, to masculinity and self-isolation. they had kept me "safe" and i felt i needed them. i abused drink and drugs because i felt empty and just wanted to fucking feel something, at least something other than anxiety and despair. it felt like parts of me were missing. most of the time, i felt either nothing, or fear, or stress, unless i was high.

i had health problems, i didn't have any energy or concentration (i later learned that i had ADD), i was depressed, and i had chronic migraines. i went to university to study a BSc in computer science, and i couldn't complete it due to these health problems.

and yeah, the health problems and depression became disabling... because of that i was constantly broke. this country, the tory party especially (but not only the tories), hates disabled people with a passion. i was into political activism at the time and the number of deaths of sick and disabled people coming out of the initial austerity era actually kind of broke my faith in society, i couldn't believe this was being allowed to happen.

as an aside - that was a choice. austerity was a choice, and it came with a body count in the tens of thousands (according to the British Medical Journal) before they just stopped fucking counting. this is a thing that actually happened in one of the richest countries on earth, and it happened as the richest people in that country only got richer and richer, and then we just... forgot, because disabled people don't fucking matter, do we? i'm sorry to get political in the middle of my own miserable ramble but these bastards need to burn in hell for what they did. fuck the tories

anyway.

because i abused my body, and i couldn't afford decent healthcare, or transition related stuff, i actually wrote off my appearance. i decided i would never be able to look good or feel good about myself. there was a brief time when i first got on HRT where i felt great about the future, but once i realised how badly i'd already hurt myself... i just gave up. for a lot of my life i was convinced that i wouldn't be here in the next few months or years, so why build a future?

my desires and sense of identity were just completely buried under a mountain of shame, self loathing, lack of direction, and substance abuse. i lost so, so many years.

so... how are things today? my living situation is crap. it's secure, but miserable. one tiny room, with mold in it which is aggravating my allergies. my financial situation is still bad, but it's not critical - i am struggling to afford some medications, but generally i'm afloat. i am, so far, just about able to maintain a small old car, which i rely on, because i live in the sticks and there's fck all public transport here. mentally, i still struggle, but it's so so much better than it was, and it is getting better. my physical health is... concerning me; i have a lot less energy than i'd like, and i'm in almost always in pain. in terms of drugs, i am mostly clean. i don't really drink, i don't smoke (neither tobacco nor anything else), but i do use prescription painkillers.

one of the bigger things is my gender and sexuality... confusing as hell, i'm in a superposition between trans woman and like... femboy, or sissy feminine man. i don't really understand it, parts of all these things appeal strongly to me on a deep, honest, fundamental level. i'm really not sure how to interpret this.

and, well, when i look at some certain sex workers and models... i feel equal parts inspired, and like i want to cry. i keep seeing people who lived the life i always wanted, and i see how fucking happy and successful they are, and i feel so many things all at once.

but... i am still here. i do still have time left. and i do know a few things about me for sure:

i am a reasonably intelligent person. i'm good with computers, electronics, and cars. i like music, travelling, and um i think i like cooking??? and of course video games. i mean duh, i'm a queer on the internet! :p

i'm determined, i don't want to lie down and die any more, i want things to get better for me, i want a future.

but i think... above all? it's the things i was ashamed of that i love the most. i love kink, i love femininity, i love showing off, i desire outrageous sexual experiences, and looking hot and changing the person i see in the mirror. i want to do porn, to revel in eroticism and queerness, and i want to take these things seriously.

so, that's what i'm going to do. that's why i'm posting this here alongside the fun kinky stuff. it's important, this is me.

[only-drink-to-get-drunk]

hi loves!! <3

everyone keeps doing little introductions at the top of their blogs, and now i wanna :] so here we are!!

hi, i'm fae (or spectra)!! pronouns are they/them. i am 16 (only one year until i'm a dancing queen, then it's over for u bitches). i am a very neurodivergent fucked up chaotic insane lil mess (bsc /ref) — personally i think that makes me lovely and fun, but who really knows (not me, that's for fucking sure).

okay. so. i am: + a falafel (don't ask) + a certified matchmaker (i married @thesunandstarss and @squishy-lemons in the grishaverse swifties server) + a wedding officiator (officiated their wedding (also proposed for them)) + professional spammer + coleader and most active member of the oomens eyeball cult + the best nickyname maker + the best knife wife ever (@lee-says-things this is where u agree honeylee) + ingenious word maker upper + deranged chaos awakener + writer + poet + songwriter + musician/composer + artist take everything in this list as you would a resume. when i say everything i mean the last five things. im not good at them but i do them so i am a Professional Doer of them.

my other blogs: @faeruine // writing, poetry & art shit @tears-on-the-letter // ur here. tada. @a-crisis-of-my-faith // fandomy shit. main fandoms are the grishaverse, throne of glass, the marauders, dead poets society, etc @of-light-and-darkness study blog @defective-angel (why wont it tag??) lil journal and quotes and aesthetic shit idk i like music. music is amazing. my fav artists are: + maisie peters (thank you @its-tortle) + taylor swift + lauren aquilina + victoria carbol + nf + phemiec + jessie paege + sabrina carpenter + three days grace + finneas + hayley kiyoko + skillet + thousand foot krutch and other artists. feel free to send me asks, messages, tag me, talk to me, etc :] please do not be creepy tho or i will block you <3 also im sorry i sometimes take eight years to respond to asks, i like to think its a part of my charm and mystique

btw my tag for my dumb lil comments and rambles is #faerambles so block it or follow it or ignore it, whatevers :]

enjoy the chaos.

[mgenvs3000w24]

Unit 01 Blog Post

Hello and welcome to my blog!

The prompt given to us for this unit 01 activity was to describe our relationship with nature and how it has evolved over time, something which I feel as if I should be able to do quite easily since I have always had a deep interest in the natural world. Ever since I can remember I was obsessed with animals, everything about me revolved around my love of animals, leopard print pants, a varied collection of stuffed animals, safari and jungle themed playsets etc. I'm not sure what initially drew me into this interest and it almost seems as if it was something that was always just part of me. The very first animal I remember being captivated by was the scarlet macaw, I believe I had initially seen one as an image in an animal-based memory game, something which I recall specifically because I remember the card got lost and it was very upsetting to me at the time.

Fast forward to the future, in ninth grade I began volunteering at a parrot rescue on the weekends, a place around 15 minutes away from my house that took care of both surrendered and boarded parrots. It's quite funny to me looking back on it now, because there was definitely a disconnect between the ideas I had of parrots in my head, and how they were in reality. As many people know, parrots are loud!! But I think few realize how loud they truly can be when you're in a room with 8 screaming cockatoos. My encounters with the macaws were also a bit of a harsh awakening because as beautiful as they are, they are terrifying up close. Since the majority of the birds there were surrendered, often from poor conditions, many have behavioral issues, especially the larger ones which are much more temperamental; this resulted in many of the large birds lunging at volunteers through their cages and running at them and biting them when they were out of their cages (myself included :') lol).

It was from these experiences I realized maybe I wasn't a macaw person after all, because even after years of volunteering there (I still volunteer there when I'm home for holidays/summer), I am too afraid to go into the rooms where the macaws are out on my own. If you had seen one biting and crushing a broomstick with their giant beak before chasing after you, I'm sure you would feel the same. But as I said, I continue to volunteer there when I can, and have lots of fun spending time with the non-macaw birds. Despite how messy and loud the birds are, it's always worth it when you get to take one out of its cage and it climbs onto your shoulder.

I'm lucky that my family has always supported me in my animal endeavors, encouraging my interests as a child, letting me ramble to them about all of my crazy bird stories, and allowing me to pursue my BSc in Zoology, of which I am in my final semester of. I am doubtful that my passion for nature and all the animals within it would have flourished in this way if it weren't for the continued support of my family members, and for this I am very thankful to them.

Enjoy some bird pics!

[catboybiologist]

How did you choose biology as your subject of choice? I'm currently finishing up my BSc in psychology, but I don't know what to do next.

I always had some kind of inclination- I was always the weird animal/dinosaur kid. And that interest just... never really died. Being outside and in nature a lot helped (shoutout to my parents on this, we have a complicated relationship but this was one thing they did very, very right). But I always thought I would be the most interested in some kind of ecology or evolutionary biology, something that involved being outside, observing the world, or talking about extinct life.

The thing is, as I continued to have this interest, I found myself drawn deeper and deeper into the what made the animals tick. When you see an animal with some quirks and specific adaptations out in nature, how do those work on the molecular level? What genes control it? Where ecology is focused on characterizing how those traits affect the organism interacting with its environment, I more felt drawn to the underlying mechanisms of the traits themselves.

Right now, I'm working on a niche little model organism that we hope can provide insight into some aspects of cell biology that most conventional model organisms can't, and eventually apply those to other species (including humans). It's pretty much exactly what I hoped I would be doing, even as a kid- taking a deeper dive into an unconventional animal's biology.

The final nail in the coffin was actually volunteering in ecology research. It was an amazing experience... but also made me realize what a career in ecology ACTUALLY looked like, and what kind of impact it could have (that's a whole other ramble in itself). I switched majors to molecular biology during undergrad, and have been dragged into bioinformatics periodically, and I haven't looked back. Wildlife watching, birdwatching, freediving, and basically anything that gets me observing nature are still my primary hobbies, however.