#btw I really should stress that nobody led her on

[silvermoon424]

I was hanging out with my niece (who's nearly 4) and the news was on in the background. A picture of Trump came on and she called him stinky 💀💀💀

[genderfluid-strawberry-of-doom]

i reread hammer of thor and i decided to list out some stuff i feel has been overlooked by the fandom

and stuff that hasn't been overlooked (at all) but i HAVE to mention it anyway. because reasons

also it's not THAT long of a post but it's pretty long so i put a cut there

nobody ever mentions the 'thinking cup' like whyyy

alex fierro the cheetah and weasel :)

"the gender thing wasn't what surprised me. what surprised me was the way my impression of alex had slingshot and the emotions that had stirred up"

magnus mentioning that he had been stuck in one gender his whole life and that it didn't bother him except the way it was worded made it seem like he was unsure about it jsfjfisfidgkgd

i don't think it's overlooked but the scene in which magnus is watching alex eat and halfborn goes "there's no shame in being attracted magnus" and he CHOKES

(not overlooked at all but) HEARTH'S POSESSIVENESS OVER BLITZ <333

(DEFINITELY not overlooked but) "buddy" *proceeds to take hearth's hands in his own*, "what is wrong with my elf" 😭😭

inge being fucking abused by alderman?? she was beaten??? and the iron on the door locks is harmful and extremely painful to hulder??? THAT ASSHOLE ALDERMAN

(in context to inge explaining that alderman kept a patch of wilderness in his backyard bc hulder need wilderness to live and so that he can 'hire' more help) "she said hire. i heard catch" BITCH-

the fucking wergild. i have a lot of thoughts about that and all of them involve alderman dying

also hearth's mom doesn't really seem like much of a good person either? she didn't stop alderman from being abusive towards hearth or the house staff AND she literally just cared about her reputation. maybe she wasn't as bad as her husband but she was still pretty bad (parallels there between hearth and alex)

also parallels between hearth trying to stop alderman from taking andvari's ring and trying to "pull his dad out from a hole deeper than andvari's" and magnus trying to save randolph from falling into the hole in the ground that led to helheim-

hearth and samirah's dynamic?? they've already had a fight and patched up AND were stuck together during the utgard lanes chapters. soooo a lot

also hearth and alex's brief interactions lol

"just, you know, a little respect" "for the girl with the sharp wire? no problem" "there was nothing confusing abt the smile she gave me. it warmed up the office by about five degrees" I LOVE THEM A TOTALLY NORMAL AMOUNT

amir fadlan. AMIR FADLAN EVERYBODY <333

samirah being a girlboss. samirah handling all the stress. samirah trying to show her true self to amir. samirah braving everything put in her way with courage. just samirah <3 <3 (everybody in the whole universe should be in awe of her btw)

the scene in which they're sitting on stanley (the eight-legged horse) and magnus is nervous to hold on to alex but she just takes his hands and puts them around her waist <3

for some reason i had assumed alex had cut magnus's hair for the first time in the woods but no. it was blitz? hm

magnus's casual mention about utgard loki being attractive ajsfjfsi

taylor swift being dwarf music and prince being giant music?? (and that giant named tiny being obsessed with elvis)

an alex speech pattern which isn't much of a pattern but it repeated twice in the book: once she said (in response to hearth signing something she didn't understand. this was around the time when she and samirah revealed that alex would be taking samirah's place) "yes alex. thank you alex for being so brave and heroic." and then the other time (in the end when magnus is visiting her in her room and picks up one of her pottery projects) "no you can't touch it magnus. thanks for asking magnus" idk i just think it's cool

the trophy wife thing. sif deserves better tbh

"a girl who was rocking that wedding dress"

alex straightening magnus's tie or smth and magnus's inner monologue going "she still smells like wood smoke. why does she still smell like a campfire?"

samirah's wedding outfit?? (sounds gorgeous tbh. except for the hood which) also i have a related question. is the hood in place of hijab thing disrespectful? /gen

sif and alex dynamic <3

sif's gifts to hearth (pouch of rowan runes) and alex (golden garrote)

alex and most other shapeshifters make random animal noises and shapeshift to random animals when they're nervous

halfborn's "death and glory," mallory's "kill everyone," and tj's "charge" aksfkfiovdm. and the way magnus just becomes so much stronger when he sees his friends-

the scene at the end of the marriage battle thing when alex is all concerned because she thinks magnus doesn't believe that she was just pretending to be under loki's control and sHE'S TRYING TO CONVINCE HIM AND HE SQUEEZES HER HAND JDFJSFKFK THIS SCENE IS NOT TALKED ABOUT ENOUGH

alex canonically calling magnus "sunshiny" and RESPECTING AND ADMIRING HIM AND HIS HEALING POWERS. they make me weak

samirah and magnus's dynamic is not given enough love. they are figuratively SIBLINGS and that level of closeness is not recognized by the fandom enough

(also not really about the book but. the UK cover of 'hammer of thor' depicts samirah with half of her hair falling out of her hijab. which. who tf designed these covers?? like somebody needs to give them a good throttling)

there's probably more that i don't remember but okay here have this for now :)

[tumblunni]

SO! IT is time for Dr Snap headcanons!

* He is autistic like me, because I find a lot of his portrayal very relateable as an autistic person. He's clearly hyperfocusing about monsters, and he gets so super passionate and infodumps about them! And he's very socially awkward and perceived as "weird and childish" by others for being so passionate about his interests and not being good at making the correct facial expressions and stuff. In the Japanese version there's actually even more of that, in English he speaks in a standard formal grandpa style but in Japanese he speaks in oddly stilted childish language and uses the unfitting pronoun "boku" that's usually only used for young kids in fiction. There's also a scene of him literally saying he gets social anxiety in crowds, which was left out in the English translation for some reason. I was surprised to hear about that from my Japanese friends, it makes him even more relateable! And of course, his whole plot is basically the fantasy version of "his only friends are animals because other humans exclude him", which is another relateable mood.

* Also I want the Darkonium Orb as a stim toy, lol! I know it's an evil artifact but a floating ball seems like it'd be super fun to swish around in circles. And I wonder if it's like a crystal or if it's like a squishy stress ball...? I'm getting distracted, lol!

* Since all we know about his backstory is that he had no friends even as a child, I headcanon that he suffered badly from bullying and isolation in his youth that permenantly impacted his ability to trust anyone but monsters. I had the idea that maybe he was also mistreated by his parental guardians for being autistic, and he often used to hear "if you misbehave, the monsters will get you!" It actually backfired and started his love of monsters! He used to dream that the monsters that take away bad kids would take him away from his suffering...

* Oh, and related to this: it's my headcanon that he was raised in an orphanage since a very young age and doesn't know anything about who his parents were. He was just found clutching his baby sister crying and shivering in an abandoned wagon in the woods, full of dead bodies that were assumed to be his family or at least whoever was taking care of him at the time. For a long time it was thought that monsters had killed the family, so that's why the cautionary tale of "monsters coming to get you" was used to discipline him at the orphanage, and why it hit so hard. But when he grew up and became a famous and successful scientist he was able to finance an investigation into his own past and discovered the culprit was actually human bandits. He still could never find out the names of his parents though, but knowing that monsters hadn't been the cause of his tragedy helped him get over his fear of them and eventually learn to love and trust them more than anyone else

* Oh yeah it's also my headcanon that despite how obsessed he is nowadays with the cuteness of monsters, he was actually very frightened of them all the way up until his 20s! The "you're a bad child for these neuroatypical symptoms you can't control, and monsters are gonna get you just like they got your family" thing actually did affect him a lot as a child. He saw it as kind of a guilty or sinful feeling that sometimes he would wish they would just take him already because even the horror of monsters can't be as bad as the horror of people, yknow? But he was still too scared of them to ever really interact with them at all, and believed whatever he was told about them cos he had no other frame of reference. He also felt rather aimless in life because he hadn't discovered this thing he would love so much, yknow? He flittered through loads of different hobbies getting temporarily obsessed but never finding anything that stuck with him. Bit of a jack of all trades!

* oh btw I headcanon his first name is Jack, lol! To fit with the playing card theming of the game. Also his younger sister is named Jacqueline and she became known as Jack Of Hearts as a famous adventurer~!

* Oh also I headcanon that he has a sister, lol. Should have mentioned that earlier! The game never tells you anything about the player's mother except that she died, so I headcanoned maybe she was Dr Snap's sister and he's your uncle literally just because I like Dr snap a lot and I want him to adopt the player and take him away from his shitty dad. Like man you know you're a shitty dad when the main villain of the damn game has more scenes of positive parental interaction with your son! (ANOTHER REASON WHY DR SNAP TURNING BAD AND DYING WAS SO SAD)

* His sister was very similar to the protagonist as a child, a punky outgoing stubborn badass who wouldnt listen to rules and wouldn't take any shit from anyone! Even though she was his younger sister, she would always be the one protecting her shy older brother from bullies! She was his dearest only friend in such a tough life...

* Sadly, she was considered "more adoptable" since she was neurotypical. Young Snap blamed himself that he was holding her back from finding a new family, because she always refused anyone who didn't want to take her brother too. He thought it would be better if at least one of them escaped the orphanage, so he eventually convinced her to leave him and go with a nice family. And then he didn't see her again for decades, and he didn't have a single other friend...

* The instigating incident that caused him to first become a monster research was because of this. He didn't have a good life after losing his sister, he eventually just aged out of the foster system without ever being adopted, and had trouble living independently and finding a job with his limited skills of Just Hyperfocusing On Random Stuff And Not Being Able To Talk Good. Nobody really valued him enough, he was just considered strange and all his attempts to research various things (I think before monsters he liked butterflies a lot) were considered creepy and useless because he was so lower class and could never afford to get a proper scientific education to actually do anything with his skills. So he ended up flitting about between jobs that he would keep failing cos of his lack of social skills, having no time to do the hobbies he cared about and being told he could never make a job out of them. And having no family or friends and living in terrible conditions. He didn't have any hope left in life...

* So one day he ended up making a sad decision to end it all, after being fired from yet another job and just not having the strength to keep trying when it seemed like this would be every day of the rest of his life. He went out into the woods to take some sleeping pills and pass away where he wouldn't be bothering anyone. But by a stroke of fate he ended up bumping into a monster!

* Because he'd already made his peace with dying, he didn't have any fear if it killed him here. But instead this titanic beast simply stumbled to the ground and desperately clutched at a pile of broken eggs. It had already been fatally wounded by a hunter, and only wanted to try and protect its children from the same fate. Dr Snap remembered his child self clutching his baby sister to protect her from the bandits, and he was so moved that he tried to save the poor creature! But his limited skills learning science only from books meant he wasn't much use. And all he even knew was how regular animals work, which could end up only hurting a monster! Plus he was in the middle of nowhere with no supplies!! He tried his best but he was completely out of his depth, and all he could do in the end was hold the poor thing and stroke its head as it passed away. And as the tears streamed down his face, they landed on the one still living egg that the monster was protecting. It hatched into twins who would be his first of many monster partners!

* So he rushed home carrying these lil newborns and desperately took care of them. He began researching monsters in order to look after them properly, and found that he was totally sfascinated by them and also it was the one thing he was truly talented at that he'd always wanted to find! Having a family to take care of was what he really needed to find a reason to live again, and he was also able to finally make a career out of his monster research and find enough success to live more comfortably. He even ended up inventing the monster scout ring and founding an entire company all about mosnter battle tournements! And this led to him finding his sister again, because she heard news of this and recognised him. They reunited as adults and rebuilt a happy relationship, and she was overjoyed to hug her new lil monster nieces and nephews!

* So yeah he has a lot of reasons to love monsters a lot and see them as the embodiment of goodness that deserves everything in the whole world. And after his sister passed away he was left alone with his monsters again, terrified of losing more family, and slipping deeper into the madness of those forbidden legends that could give his monsters eternal happiness...

* also I think he likes tea, it would be nice to have a fancy tea party with him and his monsters

* also he is a good man who didn't deserve to die

[boshawsharky]

Hello, I am back on my bullshit. So before we get into this (weird yet great suggestion, btw), I just wanna clear a few bits up:

This took forever to write because until last Friday I hadn’t finished my A Levels, which are now complete thanky the fucky, and I now have a shit tonne of free time. However, I do have a life so I canny just spew them out- not that anyone of you have asked me to, I JUST STRESS MYSELF OUT PLEASE HELP.

Right, on with the fic!

“Uh… Rook, we’ve, uh, we’ve got a bit of a problem over here.”

The radio crackles to life with Sharky’s voice as it sits on the passenger seat of the deputy’s car as they drive down the road coming out of Fall’s End. The cool wind blows over their skin and through their hair, and, because they’re somewhere in the middle of Summer, it’s refreshing. Recently, it’s been quiet recently, probably because nobody can really be bothered to cause any problems since the Seeds died. The last big thing was when Hurk almost killed himself with his own rocket launcher- and just a side note, don’t shoot rockets at objects two metres away from you.

Dep reaches to their radio and smiles as they bring it to their lips, one hand holding the radio, the other holding the steering wheel. “Again, Sharky?” They tease, “Is anything on fire? Hurk is still alive, right?”

The deputy wears sunglasses on their face, although they would be a lot more useful if they were driving towards Falls End, not away, so they would be in the sun. Really, they should take them off, but they feel like a total badass with them on so they refuse to do so.

“Dep, I’m serious now,”

“Sharky, serious? Wow, something must be off,” a laugh escapes the deputy but Sharky doesn’t join in like he usually would.

“Deputy. You’re really going to want to see this.” The pyromaniac’s tone is not nearly as entertained or as entertaining as it is. He’s actually very serious, all things Sharky considered. “It’s really, really important.”

The rocks beneath the car crack and break as the vehicle passes over them, the driver in silence as they consider whether or not Sharky really is serious. They have no idea what to do.

“I don’t even know how to describe it, man. I ain’t ever seen anything like this before. You really, really need to come n see it, Dep.”

The deputy cocks an eyebrow and pulls the radio away from their mouth, glancing at the device before looking back at the road.

“Seriously serious?”

“Seriously serious.”

Rookie takes a deep breath. “Where are you?”

The first thing that catches the deputy off guard, despite their unease which is already present, is the mighty roar coming from the ditch where Sharky said he was. Following the roar are some quiet, almost puppy-like whines. To it’s right lies the half-eaten corpse of a Peggie.

“Shark-” Deputy cuts themselves off when they stand above the ditch, their eyes falling onto the raptor-like creature which nuzzles its head into Sharky’s hands. “What the fuck, Sharky?! Get away from it!” They shout, reaching quickly to ready to shoot it if it shows any signs of aggression. The raptor cocks it’s head at the deputy, and they raise their gun to point their pistol at the beast.

“No, don’t shoot it, Dep! I think it’s one of those river dino’s, or somethin’, like from the movies!” Sharky replies, scratching the rough, scaly skin behind the ear of the animal, which now stands on one leg whilst moving the other in pleasure from the scratches. “Don’t shoot it, it’s just like a puppy! Look! Who’s a good boy? You are, yes, you are!”

Sharky pauses, the movement of his hands stopping.

“Well, I think it’s a boy, anyway. I’m kinda scared to check.”

Dep keeps their gun drawn and pointed at the beast, “It’s not a puppy!” They hiss at the man, trying their hardest not to shout in case the animal gets disturbed and upset, therefore turning dangerous. “It’s a fucking dinosaur! What the fuck are you doing petting it like it’s your childhood retriever?”

“Aww, don’t say it like that,” Sharky coos, bending down and picking up a rock, throwing it a fair distance away. The dinosaur screeches- yes, screeches like a fucking monster- and chases after the rock. Yes, like a puppy. Rookie sighs. “He’s a good dino!”

“It’s a fuckin’ dinosaur and they shouldn’t even be here!” Rookie puts their gun away, putting a hand to their head in disbelief. “This is ridiculous! We need to do something about it, we can’t just leave it here like this.” They place the gun back into its holster as the dinosaur comes back into view, leaping into the ditch next to Sharky, releasing the rock from its mouth. Both people get a view of the beast’s razor-sharp teeth. They both share a look for a minute, despite Sharky’s growing comfort around the animal. “What do we do, Sharky?”

“I have no idea.” The other man admits, fussing the dinosaur’s cheek. There are several things that Sharky never thought would happen in his life- being a freedom fighter, an assistant to the saviour of Hope County, and, apparently, petting a dinosaur.

“Fuck. Somebody has got to know what to do.”

“You know who would be good right now?” Sharky says quietly, looking over to Dep. The deputy looks at him. “Eli. Eli would know exactly what to do.”

The deputy nods, “Yeah, he would.”

“What about Mary-May?” Sharky proposes, “She has a good head on her shoulders, she might help. And Hudson is with her! Them two together? Dream team.”

Deputy nods, “Yeah- good idea!” They say, nodding. “Yeah, but we can’t just lead it to Fall’s End.”

“Well, can’t we keep it in, like, the backyard or something? Tie a rope around its neck, lead it there.”

“Let me go and tell them to expect a fucking dinosaur, then.”

“Wait- Dep, we should name him,” there’s another pause because the deputy cannot believe Sharky wants to name a fucking river dino and a half because Sharky cannot think of any dino themed gender neutral names. “We don’t even know if it is a him.”

“Check, then,” Dep suggests, frowning at Sharky as if he just asked what colour grass is.

“Oh- no thank you, no I am not checkin’ to see if this thing has a wang or not!” He refuses, shaking his head rapidly. “He might try and-”

“He’s like a puppy, Sharky,” Deputy mocks, still staring at him. “Just. Like. A. Puppy.”

“Hell, I ain’t checkin’ to see if my puppies got a wang or not too! I can fuckin’ see that!”

“Well, bend down and fuckin’ see this one,”

Sharky point-blank refuses. He’s not checking this river dino thing’s bits- that’s not his bastard job!

“Fucks sake, Sharky.” The Deputy bends down and Sharky keeps it distracted by scratching its head. “It’s a girl.”

“Oh! Well, there’s a good girl, Roxy!”

“Roxy?!”

“Rexy?”

“Hey, this works great!”

To say the pyromaniac is proud of himself would be an understatement- and it wasn’t even that good of an idea. He sits in the passenger side of the car, holding the end of a rope in one hand whilst his other sits in his lap. The other end of the rope is tied around Rexy’s (Sharky insisted) neck so she follows behind the slow-moving vehicle.

“This was a great idea!” He continues, grinning to himself as if he’d just saved the world. “I’m so proud right now, Dep. Are you?”

“I kinda wish something was on fire and I wasn’t dealing with a fuckin’ river dino.” The deputy mumbles, just driving instead of trying to actively partake in the conversation. Part of them thinks that’s just because they can’t quite believe this is actually real.

Sharky shrugs and holds his hand out the window, which the dino nuzzles, doing a slight trot to keep up with the moving truck.”You’re a good dino, aren’t you Rexy? We’re goin’ to be at your new home real soon!”

“What the actual fuck is that?” Hudson yells, grabbing her gun when she sees the approaching dinosaur, of course being led by none other than Sharky Boshaw. “Sharky! That’s a fucking dinosaur, move! I thought you were joking!”

Mary May comes out of the Spread Eagle with a shotgun in hand when she hears Hudson shouting. “Woah, they were serious?” She asks as everybody begins to gather around to see what the commotion is about. They all draw their guns and point them at the beast.

“No! Stop threatening to shoot her!” Sharky yells.

“Yeah, she’s pretty friendly.” Dep has no idea how this situation has come about. They feel like they’ve snorted a tonne of coke and this is the result. “I thought they were myths, too.”

When they notice the way the animal is sniffing around in a similar way that Boomer would, people begin to put away their guns, the braver ones of the lot reaching to pet the beast. Dep, even though they have seen the gentle nature of the dino, takes a deep breath and hopes to anyone above that it doesn’t suddenly turn violent.

“Well, I’ll be,” Pastor Jerome parts the crowd, standing calmly in front of the animal and gently lifting a hand towards it. The animal sniffs his hand for a moment, then gently presses his nose against it. “I saw one of these, a few weeks ago during my trip to the Whitetail Mountains. Running away into the woods, well, I thought I’d lost the plot. Lying just a few feet away, Jacob Seed, a chunk missing from his leg. I didn’t want to make myself known, so I turned around and walked away- his men would have been there soon, anyway. I really thought God was messing with me, that day.”

“Are they friendly?” Somebody from the crowd asks.

“Well, this one is. Like a puppy.” Rook grabs a stone from the bottom of the fence and throws it just far enough so it shows that it will fetch but not so far that it will break the rope.

“Well, never thought I’d see it,” Hudson comments, shaking her head.

“Looks like Boomer’s got some dog competition.”

[acidblackpirate]

A Broken Codex (Part 1)

I know I said no updates soon, but I’m emotionally stressed out, so I need to compensate xD Btw, 3 parts.

He watched Hyde getting dressed – without hurry, but very deliberate.

He was still sitting on the bed, buttoning his shirt slowly. Short dark hair was falling onto his forehead and the late afternoon light played gently on his cheekbones.

He wasn’t rushing to get out of here, but the message was clear anyway.

With a low sign yasu rolled to his side, running his palm over the pillows next to himself to straighten out the creases their passionate play had left behind. The material was still warm from Hyde’s body heat and with a little frown yasu brushed aside a long black hair clinging to it.

Hyde wasn’t even trying to cover up that he was having sex with other people in this very bed. A lot of other people, assumingly.

Yasu knew that it shouldn’t bother him. They weren’t in the kind of relationship where he was allowed to be bother and Hyde had made it pretty clear from the very beginning, what this was all about. The clear hints didn’t make him feel jealous, just self-conscious. Hyde was the only person he had gotten physical with in a pretty long while already. The hair on the pillow weakened his position, made him loose a race he had joined unintentionally. He should go out. Live more.

“You’re always so eager to get away from me”, yasu joked. “I could just stay, you know? It’s a pain in the ass to always go back to my apartment in the evening.”

Hyde was fully dressed already but hadn’t gotten up from the bed yet. Now, he turned around to eye him with slight amusement.

Suddenly, yasu felt very aware of the fact that he still hadn’t moved, that he was still naked and long strands of hair were still sticking to his neck.

“You know my codex. Spending the night together is the corpus delicti of love. I read that somewhere, so it must be true.”

Yasu managed a cheeky smile.

“Read? Like, in a book? You?”, he teased.

Of course, he knew the rules from Hyde’s codex; had known them from the very beginning. No cuddling after sex, no spending the night, nothing that led to serious feelings and romantic involvement.

Generally, yasu was fine with that. Just sometimes – sometimes he wished Hyde wouldn’t get up immediately but hold him for just a little bit longer. It wasn’t Hyde he longed for, though. He just craved the comfort of a gentle touch now and then.

“Oh, shut up!”, Hyde shouted and picked up one of the pillows to throw it at yasu.

But he wasn’t trying hard and the pillow tumbled onto the sheets before it even reached him. It was a childish gesture, but also affectionate.

“Anyway, shouldn’t you be rushing to get back home to Mr.Perfect?”, he asked.

Yasu rolled his eyes.

“More like Mr.Painfully-straight-and-oblivious-to-my-feelings”, he corrected.

Hyde snorted, but he could see his eyes soften.

He was the only one who knew.

Yasu didn’t even remember why he had told him – him of all people. They hadn’t been especially close back then, but the words had spilled out to the first person, who seemed willing to listen. He hadn’t been able to keep it to himself any longer. And Hyde had understood. Soon afterwards they had had sex for the first time.

“Want to talk about it?”, he asked softly. “We’ll make some tea and I’ll listen.”

Yasu shrugged vaguely.

He wanted to talk about it. Wanted to talk about it every waking minute of the day, because it was something that didn’t go away, but stayed on his mind constantly. But he didn’t want to bother Hyde with it. It was always the same old story anyway.

“I don’t know”, he said quietly.

Hyde nodded and got up from the bed, walking towards the door.

“I’ll make some tea anyway.”

Yasu stared after him through the open door. He wanted to stay in this bed just a little longer. He wanted Hyde to come back with tea and maybe kiss him on the forehead.

But he knew that this was not going to happen, so he got up instead, putting his clothes back on.

The sex with Hyde was always great. Their agreement was going on for several months already and they were meeting at least twice a week. Still, there was a distance between them that was hard to overcome.

Yasu walked into the living room, that led straight to a more or less open kitchen. Hyde was sitting at the table there, two cups of tea in front of him.

He gestured for yasu to sit down opposite to him, but he shook his head slightly, leaning against the kitchen counter awkwardly instead.

Their sex was fun. Their talks were fun. Sometimes they did other things that were fun, too; like going to the movies or out to a restaurant. But Hyde was deliberately keeping it apart strictly. They never had deep conversations in the bedroom, never got too affectionate with each other. Even now he had arranged it that the table between them would keep a distance. It was like being with two different people and that was probably the goal he was aiming for. He had a friend named Hyde and a sex-partner named Hyde. If he were both in one person, it would have made them something that was too close to being lovers.

But sometimes it made yasu feel uncomfortable. Especially right after sex he wasn’t able to switch as fast as Hyde and now it almost felt like facing a stranger.

“I think, I’ll be going home”, he excused himself.

His voice sounded listless, because he wasn’t very keen on what awaited him there. But staying now would have felt even weirder.

“It would be easier, if you weren’t living together”, Hyde pointed out.

“Yes”, yasu said.

He knew what Hyde was implying. He ought to move out. If he ever wanted to get over him, he needed to move out. But yasu wasn’t quite sure he was ready yet to move on – either way.

There was a moment of silence.

Hyde never felt the need to fill the quiet with words desperately and that was one reason yasu found it relatively easy to open up to him.

“How did it end?”, he asked abruptly.

In confusion Hyde raised his eyebrows.

“The book”, yasu explained. “The one you took your codex from. How did it end?”

Hyde smiled thoughtful.

“A lot of people were very sad”, he said.

Yasu frowned, looking over to the front door. He would leave in a moment.

“It does not really sound like the kind of book you should turn to for a solution”, he mumbled.

Hyde made a small noise, he couldn’t quite identify.

“I’m not the kind of guy you should turn to for a solution”, he replied softly.

Yasu understood all too well, what he meant by that. He was looking for a certain kind of comfort, was craving a certain kind of tenderness, that Hyde could not provide. He wasn’t the cure to how he felt.

“I know”, he agreed.

“But if you need anything, let me know”, Hyde added. “As your friend.”

Yasu sighed. To him, the term “friend” had gotten very complicated lately.

***

The apartment was dark and empty, when yasu came home. Without even switching on the light he crossed the living room. The familiar shadows of the furniture were showing in the last lights of early evenings.

They hadn’t made a lot of changes since moving in a couple of years ago. Everything here seemed to hold a whole bunch of memories. The couch had been too big for the elevator, so they had to drag it up the stairs themselves. The shelf above the tv was slanting visibly, because none of them had been good with the drill on the day they put it up.

Yasu smirked.

They hadn’t been very sober on the day they put it up, either.

He loved this place, just like he loved his best friend. In a very painful way.

He wondered where he was now. Out, probably. With his girlfriend, most likely.

Yasu went to his room, switched on the light and sat down on the bed. It was the only place in the apartment where ka-yu did not seem to be present so violently, but even here he had left his traces behind.

The poster beside his closet – ka-yu had gotten it for his first birthday after moving in. The bedsheets he was now sitting on – they had bought them together on their first weekend living in Tokyo. The dirty tour-shirt laying on the floor – ka-yu had introduced him to this band in the first place.

With a hollow sigh yasu ran his hand over his face.

He was in a weird mood today and he knew that nothing good was going to come out of his sad thoughts tonight. He ought to go to sleep. It was still early, but he had nothing better to do.  He did not want to be alone, but the only person he wanted to be with was ka-yu. And there was no point in waiting around for him. Even if he came home soon, there was a fair chance that his girlfriend would come along, too. Yasu didn’t dislike her as a person. She was pretty alright. He just disliked her as ka-yu’s girlfriend.

With another sigh he got up, going to the bathroom to brush his teeth and get ready for bed.

In front of the mirror an entire army of cremes, make-up brushes and lipsticks blocked the sight of his own reflection.

Lately, ka-yu’s girlfriend was leaving more and more stuff at their apartment. Especially the bathroom had turned into a woman’s territorial. They were getting serious. It was only a matter of time until they would consider moving in with each other. Yasu already felt like the third wheel at his own place.

For a very brief second, he wanted to cry, but kept himself in check.

It wasn’t their fault. It was nobody’s fault.

He closed the bathroom door behind himself, going straight to bed.

There was nothing to keep him awake except for his worries, and they would still be there in the next morning.

He pulled up the blanket and listened to the silence around him. The apartment lay so quiet, when ka-yu was not around. It made the loneliness inside him grow to infinity.

It was the worst, when he was home alone.

***

It was the worst, when he wasn’t home alone.

Yasu walked into the living room, just to find something disgusting on his own couch: A happy couple.

“Here, baby, try this”, ka-yu just said and fed his girlfriend with something from his chopsticks.

It was so lovey-dovey that yasu felt sick immediately.

“Hey, guys”, he said.

“Oh, yasu, you home?”, ka-yu asked surprised and the girl waved at him.

They were dating for months already, but yasu refused to think of her by her name. It felt too much like accepting that she would stay part of their lives for a long time. He wondered if she knew he didn’t like her, but then she probably did. All of ka-yu’s girlfriends had known he didn’t like them. Women had a sense for that.

“Yeah”, yasu mumbled, feeling stupid and angry both at once. “We wanted to drink together today and watch that movie, remember? I bought beer.”

“Oh.” Ka-yu looked apologetic. “I completely forgot about that.”

Yasu shrugged. He didn’t point out it wasn’t the first time he forgot something like that. They used to hang out a lot and joke around and talk, but by now there was always three of them.

“We’re going shopping tomorrow early in the morning. Ka-yu shouldn’t drink”, the girl chimed in.

Yasu restrained himself from rolling his eyes. There was so much wrong with this statement, but it was obvious ka-yu didn’t notice. Ka-yu was in love and pointing it out would make yasu the asshole, so he kept shut.

“But you can sit with us. Have a beer, please.”

Ka-yu pointed at the armchair next to them and yasu shrugged once more.

He did not want to hang out with them, but he did not want to sit in his room all alone, either. Moreover, ka-yu looked guilty and he wanted to pretend it was okay for his sake. He’d really need a drink for that, though.

So, he got the beer from the fridge and opened the first can, slumping down in the armchair.

The others had finished their meal by now and ka-yu was playing with the long hair of his girlfriend.

She wasn’t even especially pretty, yasu thought. Or maybe she was, and he just didn’t like to admit it.

The beer was cold and he was drinking it a little too fast.

There was an awkward silence in the room.

“We could still watch that movie”, he finally suggested.

Ka-yu waved it off, as if he had already considered it.

“You know, it’s a horror movie. And Miho doesn’t really like those, so …”, he said.

Yasu opened the second can of beer already.

The girl raised their eyebrows in quiet judgement, but yasu ignored it.

If he was in a relationship with ka-yu, he wouldn’t order him around, tell him what to watch or when to drink. They wouldn’t do that weird couple shit like feeding each other. They would just sit on the couch next to each other, chat and laugh like they always did. And they would kiss and yasu would be allowed to fall asleep in those pretty arms. Everything would be easy and uncomplicated and he would do his best to make him happy, because he knew his friend so much better than one of those stupid girls, who met him a few weeks ago and already left her make-up in their bath.

“Are you going shopping for something specific tomorrow?”, yasu asked, just to get a conversation going; just any conversation at all.

“The new summer collection is out”, the girl beamed. “Ka-yu promised to buy me a cute dress. Right, darling?”

She looked at ka-yu and ka-yu smiled.

Yasu felt sick again.

She didn’t deserve him. His eyes, his lips, the way he held his body, his taste in movies and his sense of humour, the way he looked when he was sleepy and the awful breakfast he made when yasu was hungover, all of it was perfect. And she didn’t deserve any of it.

“It’s just a couple thing”, she added and yasu knew that she was going to say something mean immediately.

She did.

“You’d understand, if you had a girlfriend. But you haven’t been in a relationship for so long, yasu, isn’t that right? Ka-yu told me you haven’t been dating anyone seriously since years already. Maybe you should go out more, instead of sitting at home and getting drunk.”

“Maybe she’s right”, ka-yu agreed, instead of defending him. “Why don’t you try to meet a nice girl yourself, yasu?”

“Well, alright”, yasu huffed angrily.

They had no right to attack him like that. They had no idea of what he wanted – or whom he wanted.

So, he just got up, ready to storm off.

“I’m going out since you obviously don’t want me around anyway. And I’m taking the beer.”

He took up the remaining cans and went out, ignoring ka-yu’s voice calling after him to calm down.

He was angry and frustrated. He didn’t tell them how to live their lives, although he really had an opinion on that. Couldn’t they just leave him alone? The whole situation was tough on him anyway.

Outside the building he stopped, wondering where to go. He had a couple of friends he could visit, but he would have to act happy and cheerful around all of them. Right now, he just wanted to shout. Maybe cry a bit. And then shout some more.

But there was only one person who knew why.

***

Yasu knocked on the door fiercely.

For a moment everything stayed silent.

He shouldn’t have come here. Not unannounced and so late in the evening. He never just dropped by. Usually, they set up a date via phone. Maybe he wasn’t even home. Maybe he had one of his many sex-partners over. Yasu had no right to just show up on his doorstep and demand attention.

The door opened.

“Hi”, yasu said quietly.

Hyde looked at him in surprise. He was wearing loose pants and a worn-out shirt. Only now did yasu realize that he had never seen him in such casual clothing before. He was always dressed nicely, when they met. He was always putting in an effort.

Even now he seemed slightly embarrassed by his own look, standing in the corridor awkwardly, because he hadn’t expected any visitor tonight.

“Oh, hey, yasu. Is everything alright?”

Yasu shrugged, because he didn’t know the answer to that himself.

“Is it inconvenient?”, he asked instead.

Hyde shook his head and opened the door some more, eyeing the beer cans yasu was still holding under his arm.

“No, not at all. Just come in.”

Yasu followed him into the living room, slumping down on the couch and opening another beer before Hyde had even invited him to sit.

He was being rude, but too upset to bother.

“Take one”, he offered and Hyde took up a beer himself, his eyes still fixed on yasu’s face.

“So, what’s up?”, he asked.

Yasu exhaled heavily and gulped down some of the beer that had turned mildly warm by now.

“I just couldn’t stay at my apartment any longer, I don’t know”, he said. “His girlfriend was there.”

Hyde nodded, but stayed silent as if expecting yasu to go on. He drank some more, before he did.

“I mean, they are already like a married couple and she treats him like shit. He’s scared to do anything she might dislike.”

“Maybe he loves her and wants her to be happy?”, Hyde suggested with a smirk.

Yasu snorted.

“She’s just sitting at our place, like it belongs to her. And her stuff is everywhere. As if it’s her bathroom, or her apartment, or her ka-yu. He doesn’t belong to her. He…”

He paused and gulped down the rest of his beer. He was drinking fast but could hardly feel it. The liquor did nothing to calm him down.

“And the worst is that they lecture me all the time. As if they were perfect, because they are stuck in this corny relationship and I’m just too stupid to find someone for myself. Oh, yasu, just try harder, get yourself a girlfriend. I hate them.”

This time his breath sounded shaky.

“I hate her”, he corrected himself.

“You haven’t told him, have you?”, Hyde said quietly.

Yasu frowned.

“Of course not. I know he’ll never return my feelings.”

Hyde shook his head lightly, seemingly thinking about something.

“And about your sexuality in general? Have you ever talked to him about it honestly? He doesn’t know we’re having sex for example, does he?”

Yasu stared at the empty beer can in his hand and finally placed it on the table.

“I’ve never tried to hide it”, he side-stepped the question. “It did not seem necessary to have a talk about it.”

Hyde looked at him a little sternly.

“Maybe you should just tell him openly. It’s a big part of who you are and I think you are angry at him for being ignorant about it, right? It could be a relieve to just address it.”

“He might figure out”, yasu said weakly. “And then everything would change. Let them think I’m an idiot who is not able to lead a relationship. It’s better than knowing the truth.”

“And what’s that truth?”, Hyde inquired. “Say it out loud. It will help. Just tell me. No one else is listening.”

He reached out now, lightly stroking yasu’s cheek and making him look right at him.

“I’m in love with ka-yu”, yasu whispered and indeed it made him feel a little better to hear those words.

It wasn’t a shameful secret. It was just the way he felt – for a very long time already. It was okay to feel that way, Hyde’s warm eyes assured him of that.

Still, sometimes it felt like it was his fault. Like he just wasn’t good enough. Not pretty enough and not interesting enough. As if it didn’t have anything to do with ka-yu’s sexual orientation.

Yasu wanted to feel desired, needed to know that he was wanted, if not loved. He craved for a reminder that it wasn’t him.

He leaned in, grabbing Hyde’s neck roughly, pulling him close and kissing him. It was a kiss that tasted of alcohol and anger and he forced his lips apart, slipping his tongue into his mouth and pressing his body closer to his.

Hyde didn’t really push him away, but yasu could tell he wasn’t exactly returning the kiss, either.

He let go of his lips, trailing kisses up to his ear.

“Take me”, he begged hoarsely. “Please, I need to feel you. I want it the hard way tonight.”

Against him he could feel Hyde’s body tensing up, but then there were hands on his shoulders, pushing him away gently.

“Hey”, Hyde said softly. “That sounds very alluring, but I won’t do it with you, when you’re in a state like this.”

Yasu growled lowly.

“I’m not drunk”, he clarified.

It was true. He felt highly emotional, but not tipsy.

“No, but you’re very upset”, Hyde pointed out, brushing back his hair carefully.

The tender gesture made something inside of yasu soften. Hyde was right. He didn’t really want to have sex right now. He just wanted to stop thinking about it.

He shuffled over, placing his head on Hyde’s shoulder. It felt nice and comforting.

“I don’t want to go back there”, he admitted.

For a moment Hyde stayed silent.

“You can sleep on the couch”, he said after a while.

Yasu hesitated. He really didn’t want to go back to his own place, but he knew what that meant for Hyde.

“What about your famous codex?”, he asked.

Hyde sighed.

“We’ve all been there, yasu. You don’t have to go back tonight.”

Shortly yasu buried his face in Hyde’s neck, cherishing the brief moment of tenderness he had been allowed. He liked his smell and the warmth of his body. He wished he would hold him.

But instead he got up, making it clear yasu had gone a little too far.

“I’ll look for a blanket, why don’t you use the bathroom in the meantime? You should sleep. That was quite a lot of beer”, Hyde suggested.

Yasu nodded, suddenly ashamed for his own neediness.

When he returned from the bathroom a grey blanket was folded neatly on the couch. Hyde was nowhere to be seen, he had obviously retreated to his own bedroom.

Yasu stripped off his pants, laying down on the sofa and wrapping himself in the blanket before he switched off the lamp next to him.

The place smelled unfamiliar and the shadows around him were strange. The couch wasn’t exactly uncomfortable, but it wasn’t his bed and it wasn’t his home.

He closed his eyes.

In the back he could hear Hyde rummaging around in the bathroom and finally the quiet closing of a door. Then the whole apartment fell silent and he felt exactly as lonely as he did when trying to fall asleep at his own place.

He thought of ka-yu. The way he laughed and the way he grinned at yasu when one of them had made a dirty joke. He thought of the way he kissed his girlfriend and then he thought of his girlfriend and the hard knot in his stomach was there again. It was burning and painful and it made him feel stressed for no specific reason.

All he wanted to do was fall asleep, but his thoughts just wouldn’t slow down.

He stared into the darkness for a few minutes. Then he rolled to the other side and stared into another darkness for a few minutes.

Finally, he gave up.

With the blanket still wrapped around his shoulders, he got up, quietly tapping over to Hyde’s bedroom door.

He had made it clear that he wanted yasu to stay at the living room. The couch, the demonstrative blanket, the closed door he was now looking at.

Yasu knocked anyway, very quietly and hesitantly, but when he got no reply, he pushed open the door, stepping into the bedroom he was all too familiar with.

“Hyde?”, he whispered. “Hyde, I can’t sleep. I don’t want to be alone.”

He was aware he sounded whiny and after one beer less he would probably have stayed on the couch.

“Goddamn, yasu”, Hyde swore in the dark.

Then he heard him shuffling over between the sheets and yasu crawled onto the bed next to him.

Their separate blankets were keeping them apart, but it was nice to know that Hyde was there. If he concentrated very hard, he could hear his soft breathing.

Hyde had his back turned to him, but yasu slip in closer behind him. He did not dare to make their bodies touch, did not dare to make it a full spoon or even wrap his arm around his friend.

But he felt saver immediately, secure and less lonely.

“Thanks”, he murmured against the back of Hyde’s head.

The other vocalist gave a low huff, but for yasu it was good enough.

“One night”, he said.

Yasu smiled to himself.

They would see about that.

***

Yasu woke up in an otherwise empty bed. The sheets next to him were cold. Hyde was gone for a while already.

He checked the clock. It was early noon already.

After staring at the ceiling for a bit, he got up and checked the living room.

The apartment was clearly empty. Hyde wasn’t home.

Yasu ought to go home, he knew that.

He didn’t.

Instead he took a long shower and – since he had slept in his shirt – took a fresh one from Hyde’s closet and put it on.

Afterwards he went into the kitchen to make himself breakfast.

It was probably rude, but he told himself, that Hyde would have woken him, if he wanted him to leave. They weren’t strangers after all. This wasn’t an awkward one-night-stand. They were friends, close friends even, and it wasn’t weird he stayed.

Yasu repeated that to himself over and over again, while he avoided going back to his own place desperately.

Ka-yu would be there. Maybe even his girlfriend. He couldn’t bear to see them yet.

So, he opened the refrigerator, but was disappointed by the result. Obviously, Hyde hadn’t been grocery shopping in a while.

He decided to make himself tea first. As he switched on the boiler, he saw something lying right next to it.

Thoughtfully he picked up the key. It looked like it had been placed there on purpose, in a place, where yasu was likely to find it. A note or something would have been nice, though. But then again, that wasn’t really Hyde’s style, he guessed. He was the type that tried to make you sleep on the couch to keep his distance.

Yasu slipped the key into his pocket and finished his tea. Then he went out to buy groceries. He knew about a convenience store nearby and the key let him into the apartment again easily.

He wondered when Hyde would be back.

Out of boredom he started to look around the house. While looking for a shirt he had already noticed that Hyde was starting to lack clean clothes. Also, the bathroom was a bit messy.

Since he had had breakfast so late, he didn’t grow hungry until early evening.

Shortly, he considered calling Hyde to ask when he would be home. But then that would sound so controlling. He didn’t know what Hyde was doing. Maybe he was at work. Maybe he was meeting with friends. Maybe he had a date. Maybe he had just left to make sure yasu would be gone when he got home.

Actually, he didn’t dare to call, because he didn’t want to give Hyde a chance to send him away.

So, he just started cooking when he felt like dinner time was approaching and put the prepared dishes into the oven to keep them warm in the meantime.

Usually, he didn’t really cook. It seemed too bothersome for one person alone. And lately, ka-yu was eating out most of the time. Yasu didn’t really enjoy cooking, but he had nothing else to do.

Just when he was cleaning the last pan he had used, the front door unlocked. He heard steps in the corridor and hurried to put the different plates onto the table.

If Hyde would be angry, the prepared food would hopefully sooth him.

“Welcome home”, yasu called out as a warning and made a face at his own voice.

It had sounded cheerful in a very forced way.

“Oh, hello”, Hyde said with a smile as he stepped inside and saw the laid table. “That is a nice surprise. I’m starving.”

“Good”, yasu sighed relieved. “I was afraid you’d eat out or I don’t know. I was too scared to call.”

Hyde gave a kind chuckle.

“Because you stayed at my place? It’s fine. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay, but we had a meeting today with the producer and I couldn’t miss it. I left you the key.”

Yasu nodded as they both sat down.

“Yeah, I found it. I figured you’d be home late.”

For a moment it felt weird, like they were a real couple. But then Hyde interrupted the silence:

“Well, thank you for the food.”

They both started eating. Yasu wasn’t the best cook, he had to admit that, but he had settled for simple dishes and it was edible. Hyde was praising him anyway and it made him feel valued, which was a very nice feeling. They talked a bit about Hyde’s meeting, too, although he insisted that it hadn’t been very interesting.

Afterwards they cleaned the rest of the kitchen together and as Hyde wanted to store away some of the leftovers in the refrigerator he gasped with surprise.

“Oh, my goodness, yasu, who is supposed to eat all the stuff you bought?”, he laughed breathlessly. “I never had so much food at home in my entire life.”

“I just wanted to repay you somehow.” Yasu shrugged helplessly. “It’s a thank you for how patient you are with me.”

“Of course, yasu.”

Hyde shook his head in amusement as they went back to the living room to make themselves comfortable in front of the tv.

“You don’t have to bribe me with food.”

Yasu waved it off and stared into his lap.

“Actually, I only needed an excuse not to go home, so I kept busy.”

“Anything else I should know about?”, Hyde teased.

Yasu made a face and met his eyes.

“Well, I cleaned the bathroom. And did your laundry”, he admitted.

Hyde started to laugh. He sounded calm when he laughed and looked very pretty when he did, yasu thought.

“You should just relax. Otherwise I’ll need to start paying you”, he joked, but then his facial expression became more serious.

He eyed yasu with a slight line of worry on his forehead.

“You know, you have to go back, though, right?”

Yasu winced.

He knew. He knew he couldn’t hide away at Hyde’s place forever. He would have liked to try, though.

“Just one more night”, he promised. “Then I will go back. Don’t worry, I won’t bother you much longer.”

“Okay”, Hyde said. “Although that’s not really what I meant. It’s more that I only have a certain number of shirts. You should pick up some of your own.”

He hooked his forefinger under the collar of his own shirt yasu was wearing and pulled him close. Then he placed a short peck on his lips, which made him giggle.

“I’m sorry for taking it without permission”, yasu mumbled.

“It’s okay”, Hyde soothed him. “You look cute in it.”

Yasu was pretty sure that he blushed slightly, although he hadn’t expected Hyde to have that effect on him. He watched his profile while he switched on the tv and started to search for something they could watch.

Hyde was really handsome. He had always admired him, too. That was how they had gotten in touch to begin with. He was kind and funny and at least physically attracted to yasu.

Still, he couldn’t help thinking of ka-yu. Just remembering his smiling face made his stomach twist in a way he had never felt with Hyde.

Resigning he put his head on Hyde’s shoulder and stared at the tv blankly.

“Any preferences?”, Hyde asked.

“No”, yasu exhaled. “But if it’s a romance, I will cry.”

Hyde chuckled gently. As always, he seemed to understand perfectly well how yasu felt.

“It will get better, I promise”, he said.

Again, yasu exhaled gravely. Hyde had turned off the sound of the tv and it was only the flickering light running over their faces now.

“You never told me anything about him”, yasu stated.

Hyde sighed. It was a quiet, sad sound.

“Because he is not important anymore”, he said. “We’re still in touch, but not as close as we used to be. He didn’t love me back and never could. I just learned to accept that.”

“It’s damn hard to let go”, yasu mumbled.

The thought of getting away from ka-yu seemed unbearable to him. He was already slipping away lately, right into the arms of that little bitch. But he couldn’t just give up on him deliberately. He would miss their talks and their jokes and also their past.

“It is”, Hyde agreed and switched off the tv as if he had come to realize that it had been a bad idea from the very beginning. “I’m sorry, yasu, but I’m super tired. Tomorrow morning, I have to go out again. I think I will just go to sleep.”

“Okay.” Yasu sat up straight again. “I will go, too.”

It felt weird to stay up alone in someone else’s apartment and moreover it had gotten somewhat late over dinner.

Today, Hyde went to the bathroom first and after yasu was finished himself, he returned to the living room to find the same grey blanket on the couch again. But this time, he did not even bother with laying down.

He picked up the blanket and went straight to the bedroom. The door stood slightly ajar. Yasu took that as a hint that Hyde had not really believed in his luck anyway.

He made space for him without a word and as yasu pulled up the sheets around him and listened to Hyde’s quiet breathing, there was a least one place in the apartment that did not feel entirely as if it belonged to someone else.

***

Hyde had been gone again, as he had woken up. But this time yasu had been prepared for it.

He hadn’t slept until noon again and so it was still sort of early as he arrived at his own place after breakfast.

He unlocked the door quietly, pausing a moment to listen for noise in the apartment. He felt like a burglar breaking into the place, so hard was he hoping to avoid meeting with anyone.

He was lucky, though. No one was home.

He retreated to his room and started to look around.

Hyde had made it sound as if it would be okay to just pick up some clothes and go back to his place. But was it? He had promised not to bother him for more than a night and he had stayed two already. He wasn’t living there, he was living right here. In this apartment, with ka-yu. Man, he hoped ka-yu wouldn’t be home soon.

If he met him here, he would probably ask where yasu had spent the last two days. And what would he tell him? He didn’t know about Hyde. I was staying at my fuckbuddy’s place? I was staying at a friend’s home? And why? Because he couldn’t stand to see ka-yu with his girlfriend. But he surely couldn’t say that.

So, his only choice was to get out of the apartment as fast as possible. Maybe he should stay at a hotel for a while? Avoiding ka-yu, but not bothering Hyde either.

Somewhere in his closet he found an old backpack and started to shove some clothes into it.

A hotel sounded reasonable. He would stay at a hotel.

Hurriedly, he grabbed his stuff and left the apartment again before he could run into his flatmate.

Out on the street he wondered where to go.

Surely, there were plenty of good hotels in the city. He wasn’t planning to treat himself to luxury, but a cheap and dirty place was out of the question as well. And nothing with tourists around. Those were the worst. Maybe he should just start walking. Eventually, he would come across a nice place. There were so many places in Tokyo.

As he started walking, he noticed that he was also getting hungry again. Lunch, lunch would be good. So, he stopped by at a shabby restaurant to eat something before he continued his search for a hotel. Probably, he would just stumble across one. There were so many hotels everywhere, when you didn’t look for them.

What he found, was a small shop for used CDs, though, and he bought three of them, although he wasn’t exactly a fan of those bands. He just felt the need to buy himself something and maybe distract himself from the fact that he still hadn’t checked into any hotel, although he had come across several today already that looked just fine.

He thought of the white sheets of a hotel bed, how neutral they looked and how impersonal. He would probably feel lonely, booking a room just for himself.

The sun was already starting to set and yasu realized he had spent all day running through the streets of the city and finding excuses to not check in at a hotel.

He had known that he would end up right in this very neighbourhood all along.

Hesitantly, he knocked on the door to the apartment.

Hopefully, he wouldn’t be mad.

But Hyde looked pretty unimpressed, as he opened the door and scanned him from head to toe. His eyes lingered on the backpack on yasu’s shoulder for a moment, but he did not comment on it.

“I’m having dinner”, was all he said.

Yasu looked down embarrassed.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“You didn’t. You’re late”, Hyde corrected and turned to walk back into the apartment.

As yasu followed him inside, he saw that the dinner table was laid for two. Obviously, Hyde had known all along where he would end up tonight as well.

He took his seat and smiled shyly.

“Thanks for cooking”, he said.

Hyde picked up his chopsticks again. Obviously, he had already started eating before yasu arrived.

“Next time, you should take the key”, he said matter-of-factly. “I might not be home when you visit and it would be a shame if you came all the way here for nothing.”

Yasu nodded, careful not to let his feelings show on his face.

Hyde had stated it off-handed on purpose and he surely didn’t want an emotional scene right now. But yasu knew exactly what had just happened and he had a hard time to hide his smile.

“Have you talked to ka-yu today?”, he changed the topic.

Yasu winced.

“He wasn’t home.”

For a moment they ate in silence. It did not feel uncomfortable, though. It felt more like coming home than stealing into his own apartment had felt this morning.

They finished dinner and cleaned up the kitchen. With ka-yu he had never done that. With him it was more like a game where both of them left their dishes in the sink until one of them eventually gave in and cleaned them. Yasu thought it was nice to do a simple task like that together.

Afterwards, Hyde wanted to know about his day and yasu showed him the CDs he had bought. Hyde didn’t know one of the albums and they listened to it together. It was better than yasu remembered it to be.

It was a nice evening, all in all, and none of them mentioned the backpack sitting in the living room.

When he left the bathroom that night, there was no blanket on the couch, though.

For a moment he just stood there, staring at the empty spot where the grey sheets used to lie.

This could mean two things. Either, Hyde had gotten fed up with him and after entertaining him for the evening he expected him to finally go home.

Or…

Yasu went over to the bedroom. The door was open and he knocked his knuckles against the wooden frame lightly.

“Hey”, he said softly.

Hyde snorted.

Yasu could make out his frame in the dim room. He had left plenty of space in the bed right next to him.

“You coming to bed, or what?”, he asked.

Yasu smiled.

This was far nicer than a hotel room anyway.

[serenagaywaterford]

11) f) "and then… learns the hard way and is killed by their own ideas. (Literally or metaphorically.) She’s so interesting to watch because her pre-Gilead persona was quite a bit different, just in a different way than the other women." Right? What made me kinda sad for both Serena and Fred (I know!) is how their relationship crumbled under Gilead. They've basically swapped roles. Fred took advantage of Serena's fame and "accomplishments" and became the typical, patriarchal assh-- I meant

12) husband. All it took was some authority/power and... BOOM. His true colors were revealed. As for Serena, I find it quite ironic that for all her advocacy for "women must accept their biological destiny and stay at home" bs, she led the opposite of that life. She took equality for granted and had an education, a career and a marriage, all on her own timetable. Bonus? She was kinda bossy with Fred, which (ngl) I found cute, lol. (Btw, Serena is based on Phyllis Schlafly, right? Bc the

13) parallels are there.) A few moments before Serena gets shot, Fred looks at her like she's the sun. He's so proud of her and enamored. Oh, how the mighty have fallen! g) “I won’t forget your help”, I turned to my friend and was like, “Was that a threat?" LOL, when I first watched 2x10, I had a flashback of this "promise" and I was like, "Is this what you meant, BITCH?" Does she have Alzheimer's or what? h) "June has literally nothing else of her own that has any sort of privacy but Serena

14) gives her a box AND the key to lock it." Yeah, that's how I read that scene too, but still... i) "Which, is smart in a way, cos [Fred]’s so grossly obsessed with her that she can get away with virtually anything." Yeah. How he didn't hit her harder after that slap... A miracle. Ugh, and that quote he used about "all women"? YUCK. j) "I read some interview where the showrunners were saying the main line through S2 was June teaching Serena how to be a mother." I mean, yeah, that's definitely

16) another thing that connected them in S2. Motherhood. Which is weird. Bc Serena is delusional about Nicole being hers.

----------

It’s funny cos I don’t feel sad for Serena and Fred’s relationship cos I’m not convinced it was really based on genuine love, even in the beginning -- but maybe that’s just my own headcanon getting mixed up with canon lol. I mean, that sounds really dismissive cos clearly they were into each other, proud of each other, and really supported each other’s (asinine, dangerous) ideas. Like attracts like? I don’t fully trust that Fred was as docile as he looks even back then. I personally think he knew what he was doing the entire time and knew exactly what Serena can do for him. Like, his true colours were just repressed until, like you said, BOOM. He did the same with us as viewers/June in S1. I know I was like, “Hmm, this guy doesn’t seem THAT bad. Maybe he’s not all bad.” But nope. Jokes on me. Cos deep down he’s gross and just covers it up really well. I don’t believe he was the entire force behind Serena and I don’t believe he groomed her to any particularly high degree cos I have to admit, that Serena was awful all her on her own. She didn’t need Fred to have terrible ideas, especially like after she was shot and basically implied that Fred needs to go above the law and murder a bunch of people. How very Lady Macbeth of her.

(Yep. Schflay and Tammy Faye Bakker (in the book).)

>> “I had a flashback of this "promise" and I was like, "Is this what you meant, BITCH?" Does she have Alzheimer's or what?“

RIGHT?! I just........ gah. *SHUDDER*

>> “Ugh, and that quote he used about "all women"?”

Again, yes. It was just so gross. I hate him so much, lol. And I mean, it was some decent foreshadowing towards what he was about to do to his wife. It’s a hint that now, there’s no real boundary between women to him anymore. All of them are scum... except for his gross fetish for June. (Which doesn’t mean he doesn’t hate her just as much.)

I kinda love how delusional Serena is, and how June, by the end is just like, “Okay, you dumb bitch. Obviously this isn’t sinking in, so how about I appeal directly to this crazy delusion you have? I know I won’t win by fighting you on it, so let’s gently manipulate you instead.” I saw a lot of criticism of Serena about how she’s a shitty mother etc etc. and I’m like, “Really?”. Putting aside the baby-napping in order to achieve “motherhood”... It was shitty to keep June away and not let her wean (cos that is for the BABY’S WELLBEING, stupid Serena.) but otherwise, I didn’t see her being a bad mother. Sure, she got frustrated but that is completely normal? I saw a lot of outrage about how she dealt with Nicole’s colic-y crying... but I have to assume it’s from people who have never had babies for more than a few hours. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows 24-7. It’s stressful, frustrating, annoying, aggravating, etc. at times and it’s completely normal for new mothers to get overwhelmed and really fucking stressed out. It doesn’t mean they’re going to beat the shit out of their children. 

I saw one complaint that Serena has no patience and therefore will abuse her baby. And... like... Firstly, a new mother getting stressed af about a baby crying and being helpless/ignorant about how to stop it is not abnormal. Secondly, nobody--NOBODY--grows plants from seedlings without extreme patience (I should know. I tried and I’m super impatient and hated it and killed everything lol). Serena’s gardening takes incredible patience. So, imo, to say outright that she has zero patience is just patently false. Will that patience translate to a real human baby, well, that’s not clear but people really love just hating on Serena for absolutely everything. (Personally, I think her actual talents are purposely dismissed by fandom cos it doesn’t fit in. I can’t remember the episode (S1 probs) but there’s a painting/drawing she’s doing and I was like, “WTF? That’s awesome! What’s up with this multi-talented, artistic maniac?”) She’s an excellent writer, strong orator, talented artist and skilled gardener, and who knows what else. I think it irritates people that such a smart, skillful woman is so vile in some many other ways. It’s easier to dismiss someone if they have nothing of value to show for themselves.

But the breastfeeding bit was weird af and made me feel weird to see. (It reminded me of a Family Guy scene and that made it 10000 times worse lol. Mostly cos I hate Family Guy haha) But I think it needed to happen 100% for Serena to have the delusion broken down. Like, you are NOT her natural mother and YOU must accept this if you actually love “your” stolen daughter and want the best for her. 

And I think by the final scene with the 3 of them, June specifically appealed to Serena as a mother, not as an enemy or even a crazy lady. Letting Serena say goodbye was such a crazy level of trust in Serena. I’m not sure I would have, lol. It was a HUGE risk but it paid off. 

I think, by now, a lot of Serena’s extreme views can be shifted... but that one about Nicole being “her” daughter seems very much ingrained permanently, on an emotional level anyway. Rationally, I’m pretty sure she’s aware. (Maybe I’m wrong but it seems like, even for June, it’s just a given that Serena’s gonna believe that no matter what so why bother throwing a tantrum about it.)

[synthspam]

Really?

Is this how it’s going to be now? You getting your friends to stalk my blog instead of doing it yourself. Perhaps you might like to ask them not to be quite so obvious about it and comb my personal tag, or send the ones you told me where they live. Hello friend/s of her’s. I’ve already wasted enough of my free time on this clusterfuck of awfulness, and you might not care but here goes.

cut for personal crap.

The post you took an interest in, was made back in May. I even told her what it was about, but I imagine she’s telling you some bullshit about how I was ‘vague posting’ about her. I never once did that save to not mention her name in posts that are directly addressing her obviously and were made at the end of July onwards. And the only reason I didn’t mention her name, was not to be vague, it was so she didn’t catch a lot of grief from random people trying to stir shit up. Anything pertaining to the situation was never elaborated on, it was me realizing a few things and expressing it. I think that’s something she could appreciate, given her penchant for spamming her blog full of ‘abuse’ posts each time she does something and someone confronts her about it.

If she’s really still upset about this, perhaps she should have thought about that before she decided to constantly assume the worst of me and send me spiteful, anonymous hate. There is absolutely no excuse for that whatsoever. She’s an adult, she should have come to me with those concerns and not taken the highly immature route of gas-lighting me in person, then being a complete backstabber in private. There’s only so much abuse a person can take before they have had enough, and finding that out when I’d said to her time and time again that I loved her, I valued our friendship and despite all of the awfulness, wished her the best, was devastating. I don’t play mind games for a reason.

She had a full 24 hours of saying absolutely nothing to me after I confronted her about her bullshit, ample time to apologize or explain why she’d done this, and the next thing I know, she’s booted me out of her servers, she’s unfriended me everywhere on social media like I was the one who had done something wrong.

And that’s the problem. While I have admitted to any mistakes I feel I made and apologized, she wouldn’t admit to a single one. She never apologized, never made good on the things she’d promise, but would constantly expect me to change (whilst telling me she’d never noticed a difference mind!), and still drag up the past on issues she’d said were previously sorted. This led to aggrovating my anxiety to a point I stopped eating had to take time off work. I don’t like existing in friendships or relationships where I don’t know where I stand and I never did for those last six months, because she’d tell me one thing then five minutes later act completely opposite the next.

It wouldn’t matter how many times I told her things weren’t how she had interpreted them, she’d only believe what she wanted anyway. I vividly recall the moment she told me my apology meant nothing, because she’d ‘prompted’ it. As if she had some sort of divine control over my responses! We had been talking through an argument at the time and I realized something I’d said was worded wrong, so I said I admit that sounds bad, I didn’t mean it that way, I’m sorry.  But oh no, I’m only allowed to change my mind or realize stuff when it suited her agenda.

If I didn’t give her space, I was wrong (rightly so), but If I’d say sorry and give her space, I was wrong again. It didn’t matter what I did, how much I reassured or made efforts to avoid upsetting her, she’d decide I was doing it anyway. I was constantly compared to people from her past, CONSTANTLY. If I vented how upset about a situation concerning her I was to someone else, I was wrong. I never even mentioned her name, mind, but she auto assumed I did. But I could not come to her with those issues, because every time I would attempt to talk it through with her, she’d accuse me of “making her” feel guilty and run away.  It was so isolating and awful I would be in tears all the time and this is just a fraction of the shit I put up with because on one side she’d tell me she loved me and on the other she was constantly telling me I was this awful person. I never told her this part because I fucking cared about her and didn’t want her to stress. Stupid now I think back on it. So yep, when that message came through, enough was enough, I had to find out who it was sending them, because it’d been going on sporadically for months. These are messages ranging from “KYS” which at the time I attributed to someone sending anonymous ship hate, to just randomly sending in things like “I wonder how many of your followers think your vague posts are about them?”  and “Sending yourself anons is poor form” ??? The vague post in question, btw, was actually me venting about my job situation at the time, and as soon as I posted a curt response to that, she was in my inbox being all funny and happy again. It was all highly suspicious.

And find out I did.

In addition to this, she should know that I was pursued by a stalker both online and in real life for 7 years. She knew every detail of what that did to me, because I confided in her, and yet she’s resorting to some of the paranoid tactics he did by constantly creeping on my blogs. Either she feels some sense of remorse and this is a messed up way of getting in contact, or she is just checking to see if I have written more about her. Rest assured, I’m getting on with my life, but would really appreciate if you’d consider this fact alone when scouring my blogs for evidence of god knows what on behalf of your friend, you won’t find it.

She’s your friend and you want to help her out, I get that. But unless you have all sides of the situation, don’t start drama where there’s no need. She has issues she needs to work out herself, and nobody else should or can do that for her. It’s also a complete waste of time for her to respond to any of this on her own blog. I don’t go there and I definitely don’t ask people to do it for me. If she wants to speak to me without any of the assumptions and bs, she knows she can just email me.

I really don’t care if you believe any of the above or not but understand this much: Personally speaking, I’m so done with this whole ordeal, I’m trying to recover, just let me do that in peace. All this does it make things worse.