#buncha my (only sometimes!) shit art

[silverware-is-interesting]

random fanart dump i guess

+ms pain t

and um. this i guess.. :/ the design isn't great but i'll fix him up. eventually-

[betterbemeta]

"despairpilled whatevercore" is how I would describe Cyberpunk 2077 itself so far. Maybe it will surprise me. But I doubt it. let me explain but backwards:

Whatevercore,,,

The first thing that stands out to me about this setting is that there is no concept of 'counterculture.' In a game that has 'punk' in the title! That may be part of the 'point', that because the dominant culture's capitalist nightmare has consumed every possible human choice, motivation, emotional experience or expression it's all for sale and therefore it's extremely difficult to meaningfully oppose it. The police is normative culture. fuck the police is normative culture. conformity is normative, non-conformity is normative, rage against the machine is normative as a part of the machine... But what this means is that every possible aesthetic is blasting in your face at any given time at maximum volume surrounded by the trashiest possible conditions even in the supposedly high-class areas, so there are very few coherent emotional statements, reactions to the conditions (come back to this later) that could constitute 'punk art.'

And no, faking some kind of future-street-slanguage stand-in for AAVE does not constitute 'urban' punky flavor.

(Caption: ugh)

It's just aesthetic 'whatever' made with voyeurism to a racialized, class-linked idea of 'subculture' in mind, with no authentic foundation.

Now, I can understand the type of satire that exaggerates current conditions to express dissatisfaction with them, a desire to blow them all to bits. Warhammer 40k is a bit like this. But Cyberpunk 2077 makes the same mistake as Warhammer 40k: earnestly marketing the dystopian conditions as 'cool.' In reality everyone in this entire Cyberpunk 2077 world is deeply deeply uncool because none of them are fighting the currents that deposit them like sand in the suffering river, or at least not in any way that doesn't just replicate its conditions. you're never 'cool' if you follow the dominant hierarchical authoritarian thought in the world you live in, yes even if you mean to oppose it and YES! THAT MEANS YOU, KEANU REEVES! HOW DID PLAYING PRESIDENT TRUMAN SIMULATOR WORK OUT FOR YOU?

Rolling around being a super cool cyber assassin as a power fantasy is not counterculture in the world of Cyberpunk 2077 itself. at all. I have no choice but to be V who is one, and my experience is smooth and requires no thinking or friction besides two shit plot options that will both end bad for me sometimes, or how to blow up a buncha guys with my mind bullets and regular bullets. I swooce between cyber gang bandit lairs cleaning them out for the police. My wardrobe is mostly clothes i take from my dead enemies. I look horrible and I cant do anything about it right now.

I tried to design my V as a cute goth trans girl because if the game is going to force me to have a gender, that's the only correct answer. Sure, they have a bunch of lipstick shapes but they all kind of suck and ONLY ONE SHADE OF BLACK?! perish by my hand!!! There are a lot of 'options' for the character creator but all and all you can't actually execute them well as part of a 'look' anywhere near the start of the game so right away spiritually, physically, aesthetically, you're doomed to basically be 'whatevercore.' I could understand 'you gain the right to express yourself as you become more badass and accumulate more stuff' except for 1) the game LEADS with that this is a world of 'style over substance' in the character creator (an anti-punk statement if I ever heard one!!! the right to be so substantial you make people SICK is a punk fundamental RIGHT!) and 2) if a 14 year old could be a goth in middle school how come nobody running around is really 'anything' including me????

Despairpilled,,,

An important question and what I suspect is the theme of this game comes pretty early, from Dexter DeShawn: "Would you rather live in peace as Mr. Nobody, die ripe, old and smelling slightly of urine? Or go down for all times in a blaze of glory, smelling near like posies, without seeing your thirtieth?"

He's asking if I'm suicidal.

Everywhere I turn in Night City there's graffiti like, NO FUTURE or, THE END IS HERE. I think I saw an ACAB once but it was under a bunch of other stuff.

Even at the top of society, suicide seems like a prevalent theme given its relevance to Saburo Arasaka and his various children. Hell, Saburo wants you (an American) to be suicidal. It seems to be his goal, in how the Arasaka corporation targets the USA in specific. He is fighting a war against 'America' personally, like it's WWII. In a literal sense. The Japanese dominance in this story is primarily a dated one formed of American guilt, a fear of repercussions for atrocities of the atomic bomb from an enemy that committed (and denies) its own atrocities.

I don't want to say suicide isn't a powerful theme for a story. But the execution of this (no pun intended?) has very little relevance in a video game where your future does not move forward unless you do it yourself and moving forward often means like... roaming around barging into people's homes and getting into a zillion gunfights to no permanent consequences for you.

When I think of 'punk' attitudes, I don't really think about suicide by cop or drug overdose or a detachment from reality. I think like, 'we're not going to take this.' I think about Pride. I think about black activism. I think about die-ins on the steps at Capitol Hill. I think about a desire to live, demanding others not look away from those who are living and feeling. I think about anger at human sacrifice. Riots typically are about the right to not die, they aren't about a death wish.

[motheatenscarf]

I think I'm almost done with Post-Shadowbringers stuff

I just did Paglth'an, so here are some catchup thoughts.

Holy shit, Alisaie figured out the cure for Tempering and between her, G'raha, Y'shtola, and Master Matoya, they've figured out how to mass produce this shit so that Tempering is basically no longer an obstacle. Go team!! Ga Bu's! little! voice! He sounds like he's about to ask if please, sir, he can he have some more porridge. Tragic little urchin. Outright Dickensian. So cute ;_; But more importantly,

This has led to the Alliance leaders finally, F I N A L L Y, making peace with and inviting the Beast Tribes to the table. They all seemed to start moving in on it at the same time, but credit still goes to Lyse imo for being the first one to insist, no, we mean everyone gets a seat at the table with the Ala Mhigan republic they're creating. Granted, they modled that on the republic Aymeric built and he was also talking to the Vanu, so. My goodest noodles. I love them so much! I liked Merlwyb getting some character development, but also the entire time she was talking about how to make amends to the Kobolds, I just sat there going, "Land back. You can give their land back. Land back???" But she managed to get them to agree to join up anyway, so... fine :T

Estinien's back! \o/ And he's maybe staying this time? We freed Tiamat and watching Talia, Estinien, and Alphinaud try to figure out how to put a software update on a 3,000 year old phone was way funnier than it had any right to be. Buncha dingdongs. Also, holy shit, Estinien meeting Alisaie was everything I hoped it would be and more. He mistook her for Alphinaud and gave her a noogie. She fucking H A T E S him. It was clear she was envisioning a heroic knight based on Alphinaud's descriptions and then Estinien made the worst mistake of his life. Amazing restraint on her part that she only yelled at him, I thought for sure that was the end for him. But he's actually grown a lot and had a good moment with Fordola where he basically said, "There are enough assholes out there who are good at killing like you and me, but what the world NEEDS is idealists like Alphinaud who actually plan to BUILD something out of the ashes we leave behind." Out of the Scions, I think Estinien is the one who groks Talia the most for this reason alone. That mentality of, I am not good. But you are. I was mostly joking when I said Estinien is her best friend/wingman now and he doesn't get a say in this, but yeah, they would definitely be the "We still never talk sometimes" kind of friends who can just chill in comfortable silence because they're on such a similar wavelength. Which I will say, did make me start to wonder about him and Aymeric and that very gay religious art way he was carried back to Ishgard. Like, oh no, do they maybe have some history there? But then Estinien said, verbatim, "I don't want to go to the Alliance meeting, Aymeric will be there and I don't want to be lectured," so... probably not! Also, the one instance where Talia can't relate to Estinien. Keeping the people you care about at arms' length because you're scared to let anyone in after what you've lost? Tired. Recklessly devoting yourself body and soul to protecting the people you care about because you'd rather die than be alone again after what you've lost? Wired. Get on her level, Estinien, in this house we listen to the Moogles' advice that the fuel powering dark edgelord shit is love.

Anyway, with the Tempering cure in the works, a LOT is shifting in the status quo, which I like. Fandaniel is boring and continues to be just... the fucking most, and I'm tired of him. I'm so tired of him. I have thoughts, but that's for another post.

Zenos keeps making a big deal about wanting a new weapon and they keep deliberately not showing it, and I know Reaper was introduced in Endwalker, so I think that's what they're teasing there, and if he winds up going Reaper I am going to SCREAM. He's already Talia's dark mirror and I already headcanon that her dumb Dark Knight sword that's too big for her was yoinked out of his stupid golf bag. So if he just goes "uno reverse, bitch!" and is now copying her by going Reaper, they are going to be in danger of being legit frenemies and I don't know how to feel about that! That is the exact kind of escalating rivalry I've wanted out of a good nemesis for her!

But also like, Zenos' plans seem so fucking stupid. I don't know what he's got in the works with Fandaniel, he says all he wants is to fight the WoL again, but I don't get how facilitating the apocalypse accomplishes that?

Like, buddy, if you want a fight, roll up and ask her. I brought a character who started her existence as a fucking Sith into this game, you are never gonna find another WoL more eager to drop whatever she's doing just to kick your ass.

[google-searchhistory-official]

follow my twitter I post art some times and then talk about random shit literally only one person cares about. I also retweet a buncha art sometimes. No different than your experience following me here

[fantasysoupbowl]

Hey, super random, but I just finished Fantasy High about a week ago and it was my first dnd campaign thing-y and now I’m kinda bummed I’m out of content. Do you have any recommendations for other dnd podcasts/shows? And just btw love ur art, it’s super pretty!!!

I’d say if you liked Fantasy High, check out the other Dimension 20 campaigns like The Unsleeping City (New York RPG), or A Crown of Candy (Candyland but political ™️), or some of the sidequests like Tiny Heist (Toy Story-esque concept), or Escape from the Bloodkeep (buncha bad guys being dorks). All of them are awesome and I think you can catch most of them free on the youtube channel. The former two have the same cast as Fantasy High, but the latter two have different people (but Brennan is still the DM). Dropout.TV has a bunch of awesome stuff like Misfits and Magic, Mice and Murder, and the continuation the main quests!

Outside of Dimension 20, I’d suggest NADDPOD (Not Another D&D Podcast), it’s DM’d by Murph with Emily as a PC and sometimes Brennan drops by as a guest! I’ve not personally listened, but I’ve heard it fucks majorly. It’s pretty long but I heard it’ll fuck you up in the best way.

Then you got the other two of the big three of D&D shows, Critical Role and The Adventure Zone!

Critical Role is probably the biggest D&D show there is, Matt Mercer (McCree, Jotaro, Levi Ackerman, and a shit ton of other characters) is the DM and it’s super cool! However, it’s super super long and takes a while to get into, and may feel a bit dry to some. It’s probably the most serious and true-to-form D&D show out of the main ones as a high-fantasy quest-type adventure. (at least i think. only seen like 30 mins of one ep)

The Adventure Zone (TAZ) is a balance between Critical Role and Dimension 20 I’d say. Not quite as serious and dark as CR but not as ridiculous as D20. The cast is made up of the McElroys, three brothers and a dad, all three of which are fuckin hilarious. Once again, it’s kinda long, but I know a lotta people who are really into it! This is the show I think I’m least familiar with, but there you go.

There are a bunch of other podcasts that are really good but these are the main ones I can think of at the moment. Hope that helps!!

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP meme from "Chapter Two: The Kithain" in Changeling: The Dreaming (20th anniversary edition) Part One of Two

"Humans define themselves by more than just species. They identify with certain races and cultures, separate themselves by generation or ideology, and express individuality while simultaneously looking for ways to connect with others like them. How they look, who they love, where they live, what they believe — these are all building blocks of identity."

"This desperate aversion to moving on does have its own consequences."

"Though the wisdom to temper the idea is sometimes there, the sheer excitement can sweep anyone off their feet quickly enough to disregard it."

"While these impulses aren’t usually much of a problem, it’s easy to forget that not every dream is a sweet one — nightmares can come to life, too."

"Every teddy bear protector is there to fight something,

after all."

"These things can be distracting at any age, especially for someone working in a dreary office or in a highly repetitive job."

"With little care for consequences or thinking through the details, they don’t consider the harm that will come to others, intentionally or unintentionally, in their pursuits."

"While they don’t have an inherently negative outlook, they are more likely to put their personal interests over those of others."

"Becoming jaded and unwilling to take risks is the death of childhood."

"Something may captivate them for a time, but once all the mystery is gone from it, they’ll just as easily drop one pursuit for another that still has questions to answer."

"Wonder lies in the discovery of a new species or an unexplored biome, and beauty in chemical bonds or lines of code."

"Repetition can quickly become a rut, and make even the most wondrous work commonplace and mundane."

"Whether they fight to preserve or subvert the ruling class as it stands, they all long to make their mark in one way or another."

"Even when caught, they are unlikely apologize for their actions, and instead have a dozen ways to justify them."

"Some enjoy collecting art and creating galleries to inspire others, or amass vast libraries of literature or music to the same purpose."

"They have an innate knack of deciphering relationships and picking up “overheard” tidbits of information."

"They explore the world with wonder in their eyes and will talk to anyone who will sit still long enough to listen and put up with the incessant questions."

"Their reputation for being consummate craftspeople is well learned."

"This does not apply to a sworn enemy."

"Rowdy fools, the lot of them."

"Rowdy fools, the lot of them. Still, they can be quite entertaining. . .so long as you keep them from breaking the china."

"They make wonderful guests and tell the most delightful tales, but they never stay for long."

"Pay heed to their stories and you may learn something."

"Their obsessions tend to make them boring conversationalists."

"Never leave them alone in a room if you want to be able to find anything afterward."

"They are quite entertaining at parties, but never stick around to help clean up."

"Foul mouthed and rude beasties, they are."

"Be careful how much wine you offer them. They can become quite. . . err. . .enthusiastic."

"No place on land, no friendship, and not even love can hold them."

"A selkie’s heart belongs to the sea and to the sea they will always return."

"They still understand the old ways but they do not always understand our ways."

"Things have changed and they are going to need to learn to adapt."

"It seems that they value little other than honor and duty."

"They are strong, yes, but they are more than simple brutes."

"They don’t lie outright, but they do love to tell a tall tale, often embellishing the story for the sake of humor or to build excitement."

"A good donnybrook clears the air, breaks the tension, and reveals hidden passions and personality traits."

"Nothing wrong with cutting loose a bit now and then!"

"Don’t leave them alone with your prize possessions; you’ll never know what’ll come up missing."

"They don’t understand limits — their own or anyone else’s."

"What a bunch of bullies!"

"Don’t underestimate them."

"Graceful, beautiful, mysterious, and always just beyond reach."

"They stayed by us and fought. That’s worth something."

"What we do today will live long after us, carried in the stories told by our children and our children’s children."

"Nothing new to learn here."

"Anger and foul language doesn’t make for a very good tale."

"There’s joy to be found in their revels, but take care!"

"They think themselves the kings and queens of this world, but they’ve never walked its many paths."

"How can they rule what they don’t understand and have never really valued?"

" I’ve heard it said that the real hero is the one who stays."

"I know I know. . .I’ve worked on the damned thing all week and it’s still not right."

"Maybe if you stop breathing down my neck, or better yet, just leave me the fuck alone and I’ll get it done."

"When they are forced to have social contact they are eminently sarcastic with everyone around them, and blazingly critical of anyone in charge."

"Artists, builders, crafters, and even writers all know the torment of “knowing” that their work is not good enough, that it will never be understood."

"People are mercurial, have feelings that can be easily hurt, and once broken they cannot be repaired in the same way as a tool or device."

"They are willing to take chances in order to come up with the newest and most fantastic design, often resulting in catastrophic (and sometimes humorous) failures."

"Rather than seeking the newest and most innovative designs, they have a deep desire for perfection — which, much to their chagrin, they can never attain."

"Sometimes all it takes is a kick and a few harsh words to scare a machine into working again."

"They’re fast, so they’re either cheap or good, too. You don’t get all three."

"Drunks and power tools don’t mix."

"Sorry, was that insensitive? Bite me."

"They just don’t know when to shut up."

"Sometimes they have something important to say, but you have to sift through the meandering drivel to find anything useful."

"Unruly and reckless children."

"Useless furballs!"

"Dangerous folk, but sometimes useful, especially if you want to dispose of some unwanted evid. . .err. . .garbage."

"Hedonistic freaks, the lot of ‘em."

"Don’t fall in love with one."

"Damn dusty in here."

"They think they’re hot stuff, but they don’t understand this world and its workings as we do."

"They want to rule, and who are we to say no."

"They pay well and I’ll happily take their commissions."

"Buncha creepy a-holes, if you ask me."

"Skulking around, up to no good, I’m sure of it."

"They are the strongest and toughest of us all, but their hearts can be surprisingly tender."

"I don’t know how it found its way into my pocket. Of course you can have it back. . .unless you don’t need it right now. I’d be happy to hang onto it for you until you do."

"I can’t imagine being tied down like that."

"We’ll wander many paths together, but in the end, they are who they are, and we never really are anything quite that specific."

"What is truth, but something we all agree upon? So, if we all agree upon a lie, isn’t it then truth?"

"Anything they say is likely to be peppered with lies, half-truths, and misinformation."

"Humans have always dreamed of a better, more carefree life."

"Lazy and reckless. And they keep all of the cake to themselves!"

"Drunken reprobates, every last one of them."

"Not exactly the most even tempered folks. Playing pranks on them can be a lot of fun though."

"It must be wonderful to always be at the center of every political intrigue."

"They start the shit that we have to finish."

"Just don’t get them started on how they’re royalty or some crap."

"You want to pound back a drink or wild out on the town, they’re the place to be."

"Mmm, seafood."

"You’d think such pretty folks would be easy to intimidate, but make that mistake and you’ll bite off more than even you can chew."

"Those nearby may experience a brief frisson of pure lust."

"How can such a simple life be a truly satisfying one?"

"A fight’s only as good as the kissing and making up after."

"So sweet and innocent. Cover their eyes before they see something naughty."

"Their passions are too dark and frightening."

"Someone so beautiful should never want for passion."

"I will return. . .one day. . .I promise."

"The sea gives and the sea takes away."

"A person’s secrets should be their own."

"Sharks that walk on two legs. Trust them at your own peril."

"They too are gifted with great beauty, but they wield their allure like a weapon."

"You think nobility a privilege, and you envy and resent us for it, but you cannot see that it is also a burden few would truly wish to bear."

"They must learn that respect must first be given in order to be received."

"Tremendously useful and occasionally even trustworthy, but beware what you allow them to slip into their pockets. You may never see it again."

"Who are these strange creatures?"

"What they know is invaluable, but can you really be certain they are sharing their knowledge with you alone?"

[thattimdrakeguy]

i don’t even get tim hate it’s not like he’s getting more love than anyone else besides being robin but it’s weirder coming from jason stans because jason is getting more attention from dc now

For some it’s a false social justice thing since he’s white, for others it’s a thing where since their fav did bad stuff to Tim they have to act like he deserved it or something, and sometimes it’s just because a Tim fan mentioned something their fav did that they want to ignore so they try to make them seem bad.

Buncha weird toxic stuff.

It’s not helped by some Tim stans really getting into the villainizing game. Which makes them want to do it more.

But the thing is, each of the fandoms all do the same stuff, arguably they do it worse than Tim stans, since they’re actually doing it way more. I’ve seen far more disgusting sexual art and fan fiction of Damian, to the point I had to block his tag, that’s been shared casually (at least at the time I did it). Yet I never see anyone give a shit about it, even though it is a genuine PROBLEM. Steph fans villainize Tim for stuff that’s not nearly as bad as what Steph did yet can’t see their own irony. Jason stans play the victim card so much you’d be left baffled at how they treat him.

But here’s my genuine take on all of it.

All STANS SUCK, like those Stan STANS. The toxic, whiny, lying, can barely see reality anymore type of stans.

I don’t care if it’s a Tim Stan acting like every character constantly beats him up for looking at him. Or a Damian Stan who can’t pay attention to his own actions or else it’s hating a child for acknowledging it evidently. Or a Steph Stan who’s so close to processing way people don’t like Steph but yet like Cassie, almost like it’s not actually just a ship thing all the time. Or a Jason Stan who has to use Pre-Crisis Jason to make Jason look cuter, because they couldn’t find enough stuff that was actually written for post-crisis (some stuff that was released post-crisis was made for pre-crisis, and they want to treat him like a baby one minute but treat him like a sex object the next. Or a Dick Stan that exaggerates his burdens and importance like Bruce dies everyday of his life and he has to mediate every problem between everyone in the DCU all the damn time.

They’re all annoying. The only reasons Tim Stans get bullied the most is because he’s been on the receiving end of bad things by their favs so they wanna make it seem like he deserves it, and he’s a white guy, and they’re stuck in 2014 Tumblr mindset even if most are on Twitter now.

All Stans of the STAN stan variation suck, because it means by default they’re toxic and borderline delusional about stuff that ultimately doesn’t matter.

It’s why I don’t call myself a stan at all. Not a Stan or a stan, because I don’t wanna be termed something that came from a song about a fan so delusional that he became actually crazy. I don’t find that flattering.

I am just a fan. A big fan. I’d rather not be embarrassed in a few years times by how I choose to portray myself online just because I really like a character. And so far, besides getting some facts wrong because I didn’t bother to backcheck. That’s not honestly all that bad to me.

Like most of the bad things said about me have been made up. In a way that’s a confidence maker, because I must not actually be that bad. The same way Tim must not be that bad if they have to make stuff up and exaggerate things all the time. And regardless I don’t think your fav has to be flawless for you to be able to like them, that is stupid. Just don’t be freaking dense about it. It reminds me of those Kylo stans that act like he’s just a poor soft boy all the dang time, and crap on every other Star Wars character because they lost their sense of self-awareness.

That’s at least my personal view on it.

[ghoulified-owl]

I've hit this really weird spot with my ADHD where I am just,, no longer interested in anything? Now fallout, I'm intrested in that, but I mean like with hobbies and trying new things, I've hit a big dry spot? Even with my hyperfocus, I just havent had that spark for a while n I kinda feel like a frAud because the only things I'm experiencing is a hyperfixation and a hard time understanding basic shit? At least when I would have a hyperfocus I could get a buncha art done or smth, but now I ccan barely do that?? Nothing but faLlout fuckery makes me generally happy, but,, that's bad because fallout just makes me think about our shitty ass world situation when I try to sleep ;; Sometimes I cant even sleep unless I read like really damaging (too me, everyone's fics are good, I'm more so speaking about like, fics with rape n shit) fics, but I neeD to read those specific ones or I just cant sleep. Ik that sounds dumb like, just dont read fics with sa, but it's not that simple? I donno?? Just getting irritated,, :P

[charlieslowartsies]

Life update!

Life update! Lots of rambling, so here’s a Read more and I am so sorry to the peeps on mobile:

Good morning! Or Afternoon, or night, or whatever timezone you happen to be in ;) A quick update on some stuffs! I am currently not taking NEW commissions. For those that give me a large 'go buck wild' sum, your commission requests (if you have any) are still open! You can always contact me asking me to do a specific piece, or let me keep doing free reign. Current commissions are being PAUSED for a hot minute until AUGUST 17TH. Details below. The next flash sale will crop up sometime around the 26th of August. I'm going to do either sketches or paintings at a discount--keep an eye out~ The next BIG sale is coming sometime in September! There will be a raffle as always to win a free piece <3 Now the fun stuff! I am FINALLY FINALLY getting a new desk! After over a decade of using my drafting table because it was the only thing deep enough for two monitors, my tablet and my keyboard, I will be getting more space! I'm super hyped, but there's a ton of shit I have to do get done and just /do/ in general. Here's a shot of my current workspace for the last 4ish years: https://charlieslowartsies.tumblr.c.....fully-over-the Cute, right? Well, there's a lava lamp behind one of my monitors, and my foxy mug is pretty impossible to reach without some Luffy-arm stretching. I can't work on traditional well, my keyboard has white paint splattered on it from my last painting even though I crammed it out of the way. My new desk is 47in and only an inch shallower than the drafting desk is, so there won't be much different in depth but I will finally be able to organize and reach my crap. Or even see it at all XD. The desk also has a nice hutch above it, so I'm excited for that--but that also means EVERYTHING south of the sunflower lamp I have to take down and declutter, something I haven't done when we moved here in 2016. Got to move at least 3 shelves of FNAF stuff. I've got that nasty habit of adding more tape and items and just...hoping for the best. Maximalist for life lmao. Meanwhile, the drafting table has pretty much had it, it creaks and leans and won't stop being sticky in lots of place--and all the 409 in the world has done zilch. Some of the screws are missing, so tbh, it's day have been pretty numbered for a while. >>; My work pc, Kaiba, who is WONDERFUL, has spent most of his 4 years of life on the floor--I clean him out him every 4 months, but I'm still v. unhappy with keeping such a important part of my work on the floor. But there's...no room anywhere else... There's just a laundry list of things before my new desk comes from Wayfair tomorrow--and hopefully it does! Because of this, to keep everyone updated and to keep myself sane, I've decided to pause commissions and refrain from new ones for the moment. Kaiba is going to be shut down tonight and unplugged so I can sort his wires and start addressing the mess of a wall behind everything. Thank you for your patience! By bettering my desk space, I hope to keep up my growing freelance business and have an easier time of it--as well as having a totally aes space because I'm over here trying to live my best synthwave life. My next endevour is going to be getting a mic and doing more Twitch streams, but that won't happen for a while. (And it certainly won't put my business on hold like taking down my desk and building a new one will lmao.) I'll update you guys soon! I might even try and make a small video for my youtube, we'll see! I also might just put up a buncha photos on my art blog lmao.

[saigebeaumontt]

( danielle rose russell, cisfemale, she/her ) I, FREYA KAVINSKY am a SCHOLARSHIP student and would hereby like to submit my application to Kingswood Boarding School. I am SEVENTEEN years old and will be a JUNIOR. I would describe myself as HEARTFELT and EAGER, but also UNINHIBITED and PIGHEADED which I plan to work on during my time here. This is my request to join the VICTORIA building as a house MEMBER and look forward to hearing back from you.

im trash ik but here’s a brand new baby to play w!! her pinterest can be found HERE pls ignore the photos of crystal reed, that’s freya’s original fc sdfghj

tw; death, drug/alcohol abuse? w/ implications of self destruction

so first thing’s first, freya was born n raised in chicago alongside her father and her older sister

her mother had died during freya’s birth--though freya doesn’t...blame herself, necessarily, there are days where she imagines what life would’ve been like if her mother was still alive

her dad’s a mechanic and the sole provider for their household, which meant that he was gone more often than not

regardless, he tried to be as active as possible in his children’s lives

her sister always took up the role of..well, mother, in a sense

freya and her are incredibly close b/c of this

even so--her father had wanted them to be as active as possible, as out of the house as he was--so it didn’t seem like he was gone as much as he was

so, with a few strings pulled and familial connections, freya was able to attend ballet lessons at a young age, alongside an instrument of her choosing, at a discounted price

she chose violin btw...very relevant

and like, to everybody’s surprise--she sort of excelled at both--it almost came naturally, though that didn’t mean she hadn’t put in a buncha effort regardless, y’know

practice makes perfect, yadda yadda

took up a few more instruments for fun, such as piano and like...i dunno, guitar of various forms (including bass guitar) though she likes violin the best

that led to her attending a p prestigious performing arts high school in her city--which wasn’t done by pulling strings

her father worked even more shifts, her sister got a job to help pitch in, they took out loans, yadda yadda. anything they could do so she could pursue this...dream

except...ballet and violin has never been freya’s dream--its just something she happens to be good at

everybody just...assumed, that since she was so talented, she had to want to pursue it

not the case at all, really. she loves it, really, but...her passion has always surrounded animals

specifically marine animals, which is odd considering freya had never seen the ocean before

really...marine anything, she loves. maybe it’s because its something she hasn’t experienced , but ykno

ANYWAYS

she felt sort of...stuck, b/c she never wanted to disappoint her dad or her sister or any of their family friends who were all rootin’ for her

this led to some...rebellion, of sorts, when she was a freshmen

nothing...BAD, per say, but y’know. baseball bats to mailboxes whilst hanging out of the window of a pick-up truck, vandalizing abandoned buildings and historical monuments, shoplifting from convenience stores.

okay so like...a little bad

that was just the crowd she found herself in, y’know, in her teenage angst

has definitely been arrested a few times, but has always managed to get off scotch free ??

it’s luck, im telling u. she only has like..three things on her record rn

ALSO learned how to ride a motorcycle and was in a punk band based in her school n did bass for it, ‘cos that’s what rebellious teenagers do n whatever

and this, well, y’know. did disappoint her father and her sister and all their family friends but at this point freya was like ?? i can’t stop

her boyfriend at the time was a major contributor to her troublemaking tbh

when he transferred to kingswood, freya’s lil 15 yr old heart was broken.

spent her entire sophomore yr working her ass off and getting her shit together so that kingswood would look at her, and pick her, too--

and like...it finally paid off, y’know? her junior year they’d graciously given her a scholarship based off of her music AND academics

so she was absolutely thrilled

granted, she was only able to start attending halfway thru her junior year, at the beginning of the second semester...but she was there, at least, right?

very ecstatic to find her boyfriend and surprise him

they’d been doing long distance, and he had no idea that she had gotten in

found out his dorm number, walked right up to his door--knocked, and he answered with his shirt off n a number of hickeys on his chest

it was a surprise for both of them lmao

obv. freya is not stupid, if not a lil blinded by love at the time. they broke up, she was heartbroken

sorta shut herself in for a few months ‘cos she was so sad abt it

so it’s kinda like she’s still new, tho it’s been a few months since january

but she’s BACK and she’s POPPIN’ and she acts like it still doesn’t bother her !

but like...it does. it rly does. she’s still mcfreakin’ hurt abt it, she’s just handling it in another way

aka, a lil bit of partying...a lil bit of drinking, casual drug use, hooking up, etc. etc. just bein that bitch, y’know?

ANYWAYS

has always had a lil bit of a tomboy aesthetic ?? despite being a freakin’ ballerina, it just not her aesthetic man

constantly wearin’ dark colors n reds and leather jackets n denim on denim n cuffin’ her pants n whatnot

even brought her motorcycle 2 school w/ her

EXCELS at science, wants to become a marine biologist or smth when she’s older

just...hasn’t told anybody that

DON’T B FOOLED BY HER APPEARANCE THO

she’s not some antisocial punk, okay, she’s not anna

very humble but not in a way where u have to be like ‘ugh u have talent u idiot’ , she just doesn’t like bragging about it ?

even tho her ex is an idiot she’s still glad to be there bc of how prestigious kingswood is

 kinda tries 2 befriend as many ppl as possible ?? she isn’t a people pleaser, though, n it’s sort of like...u get what u get, w/ her

she doesn’t act as if she’s got a whole separate life or nothin’, she balances both her rebellious nature and her talents n w/e

fun fact her mother was a leader of elizabeth but like...does she know? no. does it matter? only to ppl like lilah smh

ANYWAYS AGAIN

i’d consider her like....a gryffindor, to sum up her personality ??

very brave, fearless, can be stupidly reckless. gets herself into trouble even now

prolly is a lil bit of a hoe but we love that for her, okay ??

but also ?? will die for her pals ?? n is very true to herself ??

we call her accidentally messy

neutral good tbh ?? very wholesome person

will take care of u if ur sick, is v protective of those she loves

also doesn’t rly....believe in love rn, or is at least very over the concept.

girl next door ?? i dunno

sometimes...she does these bad things...’cos she thinks she deserves it, in a way?

like she’ll drink too much n get a real bad hangover or do a drug when she knows she’ll have a bad trip

so she’s got a lil bit of self loathing

however she knows it’s a problem

she’s just...not willing 2 do much abt it rn

living her best life lmao

ambivert, will go to parties but will also sit in w/ a book gladly

can b v v stubborn, is in debate b/c she loves...to argue, sometimes sksk

m8 i dunno she’s got layers..like an onion

wanted connections

her...ex would be nice, however it’s prolly better suited to send in as a WC unless there’s a dude from chicago out here whose made the mistake of cheatin’

HOWEVER, i would love pals !! friends of any sort !! she’s friendly !! like her !!

ride or die!

unlikely pals!

good influences!

bad influences!

she’s in a band w/ ezra im p sure

i ALSO would like hook ups!

accidental hookups!

casual hookups!

fwbs ?!?

Bad. hookups!

she’s probably accidentally hooked up w/ somebody’s partner so

enemies ! for w/e reason !

rivals!

frenemies!

fake friends !?

everything!

gimme everything !!

[fae-fucker]

Zenith: Chapter 6

We get some more hints about Dex’s and Andi’s past together.

Their last meeting hadn’t exactly gone over well, what with the whole, Andi soaring away with Dex’s ship, leaving him bleeding and dying on a fire moon thing.

Who edited this?

Update: Someone finally did, it seems, because this has been updated to:

Their last moments together hadn’t exactly gone well, what with the whole “Andi soaring away with Dex’ s ship, leaving him bleeding and dying on a barren moon” thing.

So uh. Better, I guess.

As with any shitty book with a STRONK FEMAIL CHARAKTOR, we must -- MUST -- wank on about how fucking amazing and hot she is, because she can’t just be brutal and off-putting and human, she has to be HOT while she’s doing physically exhausting shit that can both get bloody and sweaty, so let’s take a look at this garbage, shall we?

Godstars, she was magnificent, a creature that deserved to release her wrath on the world. It would be worth every drop of blood about to be shed to bring her to Cyprian’s feet.

So she’s so cool that ... she deserves to murder people, just because how cool she is? And capturing her is totes worth letting people get murdered?

I would maybe understand it if she was a massive threat to all intergalactic civilization and that throwing armies at her is the smaller price to pay, but she’s just one schmuck who does petty smuggling and escort jobs. Or does Dex just want his ex back and he’s ready to let people die for it? Because these are just space cops she’s killing and he’s ready to sacrifice, they’re just dudes doing their jobs.

What the fuck am I reading.

Update: This has been changed to:

Godstars, she was magnificent; a creature who had released her wrath on the world. It would be worth every drop of blood about to be shed to be the one who finally brought her to the general’s feet.

Oh, so now she already has released her wrath on the world, regardless of whether or not she deserved to? 

So Dex is happy to let other people die for him just so he can brag about capturing his ex? 

I’m glad we cleared that up. What a guy.

He hadn’t seen her in years, but he’d heard the rumors. He hadn’t truly known if she truly could wield those weapons with the a glory and grace that drew blood and split bones.

Why was he even questioning this? He’s been bragging about how he’s trained her and taught her everything she knows, and now he’s wondering if she could wield her own weapons?

Is Dex an idiot?

*looks at art* Forget I asked.

Gone was the girl young woman he’d once known, that shivering thing he’d found bruised and broken in the wilderness of Adhira in the markets of Uulveca.

In her place stood the warrior he’d trained and hardened and turned into something devilishly delicious.

He Dex reached for his gun as the Bloody Baroness attacked.

Devilishly. Delicious.

Shinsay. “Bloody Baroness” isn’t intimidating, alright? It’s not scary. Please stop this nonsense.

Andi and Dex have themselves a fight. Well, Andi kills a buncha dudes (+10 points to Gryffindor, Sasha managed to do what her hero SJM couldn’t, and that’s having her killer character actually kill someone on-screen) and Dex just kinda stands around in the background thinking about how hot she is.

We get a pointless POV switch.

The world slowed, but Andi moved like a flash of light.

Uh-huh.

“Take out her crew!” Dex shouted. “I want her alive.” 

“Take them out!” Dex shouted. “Save Androma for me.”

His words sent a spike of rage straight to through Andi’s heart.

Spike of rage.

A ball of white light shot past Andi’s shoulder. An enemy was blasted backward, already a corpse as he slammed into the door frame.

“Oh, that was a good shot,” Gilly said, giggling and brandishing her double-trigger gun.

Weren’t you just weeping and losing your shit four seconds ago?

I’m loving this mood dissonance. 

“I want the floor stained with their blood!” Andi yelled to her crew above the chaos.

This book is sending a blade of edge into my heart, I’ll tell ya that.

Update: If any of you were wondering where this comes from, this sequence has been updated to include Breck and her BULLETPROOF SKIN. The girls hide behind her and there’s emphasis on how USELESS the bullets are, because apparently these Patrolmen not only have Stormtrooper aim, they also haven’t heard of the concept of surrounding their target or moving a little bit to the side to get an angle on it. Or maybe Breck also has the ability to expand her physical form and encase her crewmates like a living hamster ball. 

Hey Shinsay. This doesn’t in any way justify your characters using swords and fists and whips in a fight. If anything, it just draws more attention to how fiking stupid it is. 

If you’re wondering how the fuck Andi survives this fight without being blown to bits while using katanas against dudes with guns, here’s where I admit and brag about the fact that I totally predicted that she’d deflect or slice through bullets, which yes, she actually does that.

Andi lashed out as a Patrolman shot at her, her sword barely cutting through the bullet before it could hammer itself into her throat.

You know, you’d think that Sasha, who supposedly reads a lot, would be aware of dumb shit like this and know not to do it, but alas.

This might work in anime or video games, but try to avoid this kind of garbage nonsense when you’re writing, because it’s so dumb that it takes the reader out of the experience. Unless you’re writing a comedy, just ... if you have someone slice through bullets, please reconsider.

Usually I’m not one to tell people not to do something, especially when it comes to writing, but sometimes you just gotta take a step back and look at the sins of humanity.

Also ... and I don’t know shit about physics, but if Andi has enough strength to cut through a fired bullet and her sword withstands this process without breaking, and the bullet clearly isn’t deflected but cut through, meaning its momentum is still carrying it forward and the impact of the sword didn’t slow it down, Andi just made two fucking bullets, or one bullet with its butt cut off.

She didn’t even deflect the thing.

She should be dead.

Oh my god.

Update: She now deflects the bullets with the cuffs on her wrists that “protect” her burned skin. So that’s why they were written in! This smells very much of Wonder Woman but it’s better than SLICING BULLETS IN HALF.

Seriously, Shinsay, did you read my snark? You’ve edited out all the best bits that I’ve complained about while leaving the bland and boring garbage intact. Why didn’t you hire ME as your editor? I could’ve made this GOOD. Or at least passable. But I’d charge you more than you could afford, because I’d have to rewrite the whole book for you.

“What’ s wrong, Dex? You don’t want to come out and play with me?” Andi said, her voice a dangerous purr.

Dex chuckled, his mahogany hair falling across one brown eye as he stepped forth to meet her gaze. “You were always one for theatrics, Androma. My little bitter ballerina.”

Dex’s hair color has been changed from “midnight” to “mahogany”. What, did SJM call you and told you to tone down the Rhys if you wanted her to pretend to like your book in public?

Also, bitter ballerina? Really? Who the fuck talks like this?

“These three can live,” she said, nodding her head at the final Patrolmen. “It’s you I want a fight with, Dextro.”

Yes, his name is actually Dextro. At least the book admits it’s fucking silly.

With a crackle of her swords, she lunged forward and cut off three heads in one scissoring slice.

#edgy

Still better than Sardines tho. Andi actually DOES SHIT.

Zenith is officially better than Throne of Glass.

After a bunch of nonsense fighting that I can’t even be assed to keep track of, Andi walks into Dex’s trap. His trap is basically even more dudes with guns, except this time Andi can’t fight them, for some reason, despite doing it just now, no problem.

Plot!

Update: Breck isn’t there anymore, so I guess it makes slightly more sense this time.

Dex notices the cuffs on Andi’s wrists, just so he can give the reader some info about them, I spose:

They were unbreakable, just like her swords. But the cuffs weren’t just an accessory. They held together the burned flesh on her wrists from an accident long ago. She didn’t have the privilege of seeing a doctor at the time, so her skin had become damaged beyond repair.

Without Dex’ s gift, she wouldn’t have the full function of her wrists and forearms—likely wouldn’t have the strength to lift those swords she was so fond of.

It gave him a sick kind of pleasure to know she still had the cuffs, a reminder of his kindness to her when she was at her weakest. A part of him she could never shed from herself.

So you’re telling me that ... Not only are her wounds still open under those cuffs, but that installing those cuffs was somehow faster and less expensive than finding a doctor who could patch them up for you? 

Or that they “healed,” and then, instead of paying for surgery, Dex paid for some GLASS CUFFS to slap on the wounds instead? 

And that Andi, during all this time and after presumably getting some money, hasn’t had her fucked-up wrists fixed, and instead keeps these cuffs on her still-fucked wrists even as they remind her of Dex Dogtective?

The wording implies that she physically cannot remove those cuffs without reopening the wounds.

Why did she have ABSOLUTELY POINTLESS METAL PLATES ON HER CHEEKS INSTALLED, WHEN SHE HAS AN ACTUAL WOUND THAT SEEMS A BIT MORE URGENT? Wouldn’t fixing a burn be cheaper in this hyper-tech world than grafting fucking metal into your flesh?

WHY ISN’T SHE IN IMMENSE PAIN AT ALL TIMES WITH THOSE GLASS CUFFS ON HER BURN WOUNDS. HOW FUCKING BADLY WERE HER WRISTS DAMAGED IF SHE CAN STILL BREAK PEOPLE’S NECKS AND WIELD HER SWORDS NO PROBLEM?!

HOW EXACTLY ARE THOSE GLASS CUFFS ATTACHED THAT THEY SOMEHOW HOLD HER SKIN TOGETHER BUT ALSO ALLOW HER WRISTS FULL MOBILITY?!

AHFSJFHGDKFJHGDSKFJHGSDKJFHGDSKJHF

“If they move, my guards will shoot.” Dex waved a hand, and half the men angled their light rifles upwards, where toward Andi’s motionless crew stood motionless.

The blue-skinned pilot from Adhira, the giantess beside her. And that psychopathic red-headed child, glaring down at Dex with the cold calculation of a seasoned killer.

Dex just waves a hand. Not his own hand, just a random hand he found on the floor.

I just remembered that their crew is literally just four people and I’m so tired.

Dex Dogtective takes Andi to some room on the Marauder to talk to somebody.

Cold calculation flashed in [Andi’s] eyes.

Oh, just like the cold calculation in Gilly’s eyes barely half a page ago?

Who edited this?

Update: "Cold calculation” has been changed to “disgust.”

Also, this is in reaction to Dex telling Andi to sit. When she refuses, he’s super impressed.

Instead, she stood with her back up against the wall, her gray eyes roving left and right.

Dex had taught her well.

Did you teach her not to sit on command, like the opposite of a dog trick?

I would not expect anything less from Dex Dogtective. 

For the first time today, despite everything Dex had thrown at her, she actually looked stricken. Shocked. Pained.

“Hello, Androma,” the man on the screen said. “I’ve been searching for you a very, very long time.”

The drama!

[keiths-salt]

(1/6) as a kl shipper, i wanna say from the bottom of my heart: thank you thank you thank you. so many times i've wanted to shout stuff like "why do yall hate k/eith so much" and "you guys never cared abt s/hiro or a/llura, let alone s/hallura" and "why do you want so bad for this writer/artist to be a p/dophile godDAMN" like, holy shit. u beautiful salty jem of a pearl at the bottom of this tumultuous fandom ocean. -

- (2/6) even your blog title is golden, bc it feels like so many people are so deluded, trying to make a ship, something you’re supposed to sit back and enjoy, into a sort of spiteful activist bullshit-filled “movement” like what??? and telling folks to unfollow if they ship s/haladin bc they’re “cleaning out they’re blog”, like, fuck off??? sorry but here’s a salt-filled rant and i don’t know where else to put it so here! -

- (3/6) side note, i’m rly trying to get across to you that i’m NOT being sarcastic abt how much i want you to keep doing your thing, bc now they’re trying to tackle RACISM. in grosser and grosser ways every day! calling some of the only asian rep i see in media “white-passing” and saying that l/ance can’t have a last name that isn’t 1000% authentically cuban, whatever that means, buncha hypocritical racists. i have never been so angry and ashamed of a fandom. -

- (4/6) it’s gotten to the point where i, someone who ships kl and NOT sk (just my personal tastes), am rly happy to see any sk on my dash bc that poster must have been so brave! to post something as simple as sk hugging or smooching or whateverthefuck, i don’t care! you do you! fuck all these nasty haters, THEY’RE the toxic ones who just want someone to hate! yall deserve props! -

- (5/6) also, my compliments to the chef regarding that pining k/eith theory, it’s So Good, like i ghostwrote it somehow. the whole “projecting onto l/ance” thing (which is being done to a painful degree, i can testify) tries so hard to remove or overvalidate his flaws that it’s laughable. making lance into an insecure martyr angst-sponge hybrid with no agency and no room for personal growth, it’s sooo bad. -

- (6/6) and villainizing everyone else! reminds me of that jaden smith tweet: “when i die, then you will realize” shit he wrote when he was like 14. transparent af, like we get it, you’re insecure. and sometimes i WANT to hop aboard the black paladin lance train, but it’s always this idealized version of him that’s almost unrecognizable, and it’s at the expense of better black paladin candidates. goddamn ok, that was all my salt for the time being! much love, thank you and goodnight!

This is one of those asks that I’d love to keep in my inbox forever, but I’ve spent the last three days trying to come up with a response because you deserve one.

I think we’re all aware that tumblr is an explictly shitty place when it comes to “activism”. There’s this black-white-mentality that anything and anyone needs to be put in a box based on whether they agree with someone’s world views. Everything needs to conform to a specific label too, fiction is only allowed to be healthy, you condone what you enjoy etc., and the #1 argument by people on this site, also widely used by antis, is “Think about the children” but also “Expect everyone else to take care of you”.

People actively go into tags of pairings they hate and then yell about how triggered they are. Really? I’ve been repeatedly told to kill myself because I liked something they didn’t (and I’m talking about my 99.5% discourse-free main blog, not this one where I passively seek out conflict). You either conform to the popular way of thinking (shipping, in this case) or you’re irredeemable trash and a threat to the public. Any shit you get over having your own opinion will be justified because you deserve to be punished for thinking on your own. Tumblr mentality is the modern equivalent to medieval politics.

Fandom always has a terrible side - I know - but the Vo/tron fandom has become a place where people tear each other down rather than block the content they don’t want to see. Converting people to one’s own thinking has becume such an essential part of “activism” to the point where people forming their own opinions and learning about an issue on their own pose a threat.

In the Vo/tron fandom you see this toxic mentality with K/ance, rabid L/ance stans, anti Sha/adins and so on. You said everything I’ve been trying to say since I made this blog, and it saddens me that people can only safely voice their opinions and concerns when hidden behind the Anon feature.

Fandom isn’t always fun, but the Voltron fandom has become a place where people are too scared of posting their art or speaking up because they’ll legit receive death threats over liking a fictional ship. I don’t know if I’m doing a good job at pushing back against the anti side or if I’m just making it worse at this point. But salt, spite and messages like yours keep me going. 

[rockcandyshrike]

ah fuck @iwritesometimes tagged me to name 10 things that went well for me in 2016 and i guess now i gotta do it. thing is, i have an absolute shit memory, what the fuck did i even do last January?, so this’ll be skewed towards the last half of the year.

1. I made new friends! I’m genuinely ecstatic about that! There’s Allie @allieblackblooddaily, Ariana, @ivorides Jen, Kold, Lyn, @gamer-lite Jordan, and I’d like to think you too Sarah if you’re reading this! HMU!

2. Related to #1, I reconnected with an old friend from elementary school, Hayley @kroganmama! And jesus christ we should’ve reconnected sooner why didn’t we do that. If you’re reading this, ILYSM! <3

3. I went to a lot of museums, highlights were the Huntington Gardens and Library, the Grammy Museum in LA, LACMA, and the San Diego Museum of Art at Balboa. I’d include pics but my phone sucks and eats pics/won’t transfer them to my laptop. I plan to go to many many more this year.

4. Bought a buncha cute clothes like a sick ass pendant necklace, a big puffy jacket, an awesome geometric print men’s sweatshirt (men’s section clothes are awesome, more durable and less expensive), some cute rompers, and a red crop top sweater. I like clothes.

5. Read quite a few books! I got all the way to Night Watch in the Guards! Guards! series of Discworld and I read Monstrous Regiment and The Truth too! And I’m currently reading Equal Rites which is FAB. I love Terry Pratchett sososo much y’all.

6. Also watched some phenomenal movies like ROGUE ONE (obviously), Moana (which made me cry start to finish. no really, sobbed my way through it), and Some Like It Hot (Marilyn Monroe *swoon*). Corollary: I took an awesome film class with my sister @rockchiot! We watched iconic movies and it really made me appreciate cinema more. And I aced all the tests.

7. A cute boy flirted with me! And I flirted back pretty successfully if I may say so myself! I’m unsure if it’ll pan into anything, but it raised my confidence like whoa. Now if only cute girls would flirt with me/I could flirt with cute girls.

8. I feel more secure in my identity as bisexual. I was so angry after Pulse and my parents not allowing me to go to LA Pride that year, I was gonna go with my sister and my cousins and it was going to be their first Pride and it would’ve been brilliant, but sometimes you have to concede to family. But from that anger came clarity about how important this part of me is to me. So that’s bittersweet.

9. I saw my cousin who I hadn’t seen in a year or so! His voice is so much deeper now I was impressed. And I introduced him to Discworld with Monstrous Regiment and Guards! Guards! :) I expect a full report from him!

10. I voted for a woman to be President and I’m PROUD OF IT and I firmly believe in more female candidates for every position of government in the future.

I tag the aforementioned @allieblackblooddaily @ivorides @gamer-lite @kroganmama @rockchiot as well as @queen-nat-xvi @househarmonia @nomisnguyen and that’s all i got. Wait! @thamio Hi cousin! Oh and @littlemiss-wanderlust always thinking of you hun!

[demaesthetic]

Regarding the discourse around Dark Academia

Apologies, but this is gunna be long, and I am what tumblr qualifies as an old person.

I am new to DA and I gotta say, this has been a WHIRLWIND of a ride the last week or so. Coming across it and thinking "oh, pretty! This describes so many things I enjoy, like tweed and dusty old books and gothic architecture and underexposed photos lolol what a fuckin’ nerd I am" and then scratching the surface and finding a whole buncha racism (among other things) was...well, not shocking, but disappointing. I, too, want to think of a different way to describe what I’m doing here, because it apparently...isn’t DA. 

I’ll start by saying, I lived a version of that life that is apparently being represented. I’m showing my age here, but I studied classics and philosophy and the “western canon,”, many moons ago. My degree is sometimes called a classics degree, although that is not a great description and I do not consider myself an academic (in fact, I work in the arts now...which, contrary to what many artists would like folks to believe, makes me a craftsperson). Translating ancient languages was magical, and wandering the stacks in cold, dark libraries made me feel very smart and mysterious, and being buried beneath readings and homework was validating, so the studyblrs on here make me nostalgic for that experience...even though it was simultaneously the most insufferable thing I’ve ever done, and represented such a narrow window on human history and thinking. 

I’m sharing all this because I want to show the perspective of someone who did live that lifestyle, and is now able to look back at it with a lot more experience.

When I started, I really believed that I was on this special, secret road to the truths of the universe. By the time I graduated I had rejected that idea, and was dying to read literature and philosophy and science by women and people of color. I thought if I had to read another dead white dude talking about literally anything ever again I would choke on it. (I hear this is changing, and I hope it is.) So for a long while, I avoided them. I read stuff by people who were writing in the west at the time of the “western canon” but weren’t represented in my classes (spoiler: there is A Lot, from ancient stuff all the way up to now). Then I read more modern stuff. Then I took a break from trying to be an “intellectual” and read a shit ton of genre fiction and YA. Then I took a break from reading altogether. And now, years later, I feel like I can read the “classics” again, and male authors again, appreciatively but not uncritically. 

I found the selection of texts for the western canon was more or less...arbitrary.

A lot of it is good. I still love Tolstoy. I still love Homer. Most of the philosophers I find exhausting now, but a few hold up pretty well. But the thing that was so liberating to discover, is that wisdom and truth and beauty and the love of those things a) do not live only in some distant mythological past, and b) do not live just in the West. And they certainly did not and do not dwell solely in the hearts of white people. 

Or even in Academia.

In fact, Academia can never own these things, because unfortunately that world is still plagued by hierarchy of every sort. And that makes it unable to decide what wisdom means with any objectivity.

This is not to say that all the baby academics on here, just starting or just finishing their BA’s and hoping to go on to PhD programs and lock themselves forever in the ivory tower are wasting their time or doing a bad thing. That tower is very appealing. If you can make that life work, it can be a great life (I’ve got some wonderful friends who took that road all the way into dusty unkempt professor land and they are lovely, and doing important work). But by definition it is narrow, and often insulated from the stuff that is going on outside. It is meta. And importantly, it is not the only way to be an intellectual, or the only way to study. In fact, I strongly encourage everyone to study and practice things that will confer them no honors or official acknowledgment of expertise! Read things and take notes just because you like them! Get some friends together and unpack it and there you have a classroom. Attend lectures if you want to. Become an expert just because you love that thing. 

Your contributions don’t have to be published and tucked behind a firewall to be valuable. 

Oh, and you definitely don’t have to be a 20 year old thin white girl at Cambridge to look adorable in tweed. Wear that shit if you like it!

[thotxiety-blog]

Wednesday, July 3, 2019

12 Am Tingz ~

Beef FloMix - Flo Milli 

Das currently what’s playing, this song really a hit or miss. Sometimes I’ll skip it and sometimes I’ll let it play cause it makes me feel like a bad bitch and who doesn’t like to feel like a bad bitch! Periodt. 

So, the name ‘Thotxiety’ came from my lil brain because of 1. I’m a thottie and 2. I got issues (Doesn’t everybody tho...) and I just really wanted to share my day to day, hot girl summer tingz. For the most part, these little entries will be off my actual diary. With that being said some things will be (beeeeeeeped) and just, in general, kept to myself because somethings are just meant to stay on inside. You feel me? 

This year has been a really weird year. Good and bad shit has happened and it’s just the art of rolling through it I guess. Cause that’s what I be doing honestly. I take it day by day, whatever happens.. well that ish happens. For the time being, I feel good, I feel like a bad bitch. I could scam a few men, fuck around once or twice, (SIKEx2) lmfao. My summer has gone for the most part good. For that, I have all my friends to thank. They’re the real goats here because if I didn’t have them in my life I would be inside, never doing this blog, never going out and never getting the guts to do half the shit I’ve done so far. I mean I’m not doing crazy shit, but we be doing ‘craZy shit. Like yesterday, we stayed getting faded and ended up in the casino. BOYYYYY I was higher than a mf kite, that shit was fun. My tolerance low but I kept pushing myself cause fuck I wanna smoke but sometimes I get too lit and everybody else not on my level and then I just feel like a fucken weak link ;( 

I feel like I been talking gibberish so I’ll stop here, but I hope yall will enjoy my thot-ventures w a dash of my issues <33 

- $

A lil bout me ~ I’m 19 and I’m a whore. (take it how ya want) I like to smoke and write (sometimes). I  work and mostly hang out with my friends, smoke a buncha times and then just see where the night takes us. 

Yall can call me $ or yknow whatever you feel, I think I’m gonna keep me to me for now and then as we go, when we feel the vibez, we can see whussup.  The way I talk or type will change hella, that is another thing you’ll probably notice. I’m a big ass baby but also a bad bitch so don’t get it twisted, unless ( h e h e, 4 my eyez only ) 

[byron1]

Microwave door bouncer to keep you from eating garbage. "Where do we Go now" guns & roses/ picking a restaurant Fallout joke: I was at work while you cheating all day. Punchline: I never even got to cheat AND she would tell me about her bounty EVRyday SKIT: Danielle cooking pie (or anything really) and you have headphones on improve rapping to her and it sounds good to me but cut to her with no music and she looks at me very annoyedly Opener: Walks on stage, grabs mic and lays down. "Instead of stand up up I'm gonna try "lay down", it's way more comfortable.. That joke needs a Mitch headberg voice" repeat joke in Mitch headberg voice "com-fort-able" Hotel TV remotes have never been cleaner. Everybody on the phone watching porn and Netflix. The last person to use a hotel remote for porn died years ago Terminator cop in San Diego -what it felt like on mushrooms (terminator slo mo walk by) -what really happened (cop just walks by and shrugs) "Whenever I start dating a girl I buy her a really nice, big purse as a gift. ...Cuz she's gonna be carrying a bunch of my shit around for the next 4 1/2 months" - jack bliss Old west - duel going on in the middle of town. Mayor stops everything -"what are you guys arguing about" "is it worth dying over? I mean I can look this up on my phone" Mayor looks it up on the phone and who ever was wrong gets shot with no countdown ..Watch a little porn. Once you get too familiar with a site you drift to the lesser known porn sites ...This particular website has a top 50 viewed videos.. And you can sort em by 1 day, 7 days, 30 days, and my favorite, "all-time". ..That's just a buncha like minded individuals helpin' each other out.. But you can always tell when a bunch of likeminded weirdos find the site cuz for the 1 Day Most Viewed, it's just a ton of videos of people peein' on each other. And now it's like "maaaan, now I'm not even in the mood. AND I'm disappointed in you PornoTime, I didn't even now that was so prevalent on your site!" And it's usually on a Sunday... All you pee heathens jerkin off on the toilet with your computers on your laps should be at church! But then I'm like ".....let's see what all this hype is about" If I eat Asian food and drink a glass of milk, will I explode? Asians they don't drink milk! I think it's cuz they know. It's like when you have Indian or real African neighbors and that food smell just permeates ev-er-y thing. Unpleasant for the most part. Asians think white people smell like rotten cheese or like the cow aushwitz off the 5. <----Cowlinga. Nasty place. I was on a road trip with my wife and "she's tired" (bitchy voice) so she wants to stop for the night. At night she couldn't tell but in the morning when that sun came up?.. And that stink starts stinkin?.. She's like "oh those poor Asians. We should stop eating cheese for them" And then she puked. Friendricks Smitreaux - hands too small, not allowed in Burger King. Has quarrels. (Jack) Calling GameStop, having a nerdy conversation, with a funny voice. Rb movie voice could be a thing. Do you have x y z Round table pizza local interview podcast Wife's mom with gigantic fat pet and gets scolded by vet. Mom is pissed new underwear lint gets stuck to your dick. About to get a blowjob and she freaks out cuz there's fuzzy berries all over your jimmy wang dong. (Explain in between these sentences how fuzz sticks to your dick when you have new unwashed out of the box underwear) I've done this to my wife since we started dating "Chivalry Gone Wild" - pushing girls out of the way to open the doors for them. Later girl has chivalry ptsd (now she shivers when a guy reaches for the check at a restaurant) "Once I got roofied..." Story ensues "Once I had a crazy dream..." Story ensues Either way you're bored Went into the bank, for the candy of course, why else would you go inside these days. As I reach for the candy, the lady behind the counter says "DON'T TAKE THAT CANDY!...... It's super old.. Here take this, I have a 'secret stash' back here" I was like "You Smoke Weed, huh?" No I didn't say that, I just did the stoner laugh, which basically communicates the same message I have road rage. Like.. bad. But they're really cracking down on that now. I mean you can't even throw the bird these days. So I'm trying to advocate this, in place of the bird, you hit the rear window spray 2 times. (doesn't work if your window is dirty) I'm trying to spread this so people know I'm insulting them..... Also the "up hand", thumbs up is for assholes...... I just don't want road rage to go away, you know?! Went to the grocery store at night and someone was sleeping in the car I parked in front of. I see a middle finger come over the dash. I quickly kill my headlights and the middle finger turns into a thumbs up and recedes below the dash. I like that person.. Soccer needs timeouts like catholic priests need to be able to fuck. Flopping soccer players = selabate priests Lost lake truck sinks into water. Guy goes back for cigarettes brings one pack instead of the ENTIRE CARTON White people now can only do other ethnicities voices while reading a name. (List 3 different "ethnic" names) Buttercup story: weed in New York Trying to get a random buddy to be the third player in the game of RISK is like trying to get a random girl to come back to your house and suck you AND your buddies dicks. "Wanna play a game of risk?" Shit no Instead of people saying "Grizzly Adams DID have a beard" I think we should change it to "Kurt Cobain DID have a gun" "no I swear I don't have a gun" ...too soon?! Liqueur Control Board. Two young kids walk into a bar. They order jäger. Liquor Control comes in and says to the bartender: "do you those kids you served are underaged?" Bartender says "you're out of your Jurisdiction!!! Call the Liqueur Control Board!!" Liqueur Control Board shows up lookin like French cops "(( assholeish French accent thing here))" I work construction..... (Frown face) You THINK you want to shit in a freshly clean porta-potty. But that's not the case. You drop any size turd in that blue water and it's coming back up to splash your asshole. You need a big pile of turd to cushion the blow. I frequent a sports bar, and they allow kids in a certain section and sometimes you don't see these children behind you. So you day-drunkenly yell out "well I can't exactly tit fuck 'er, but they're perfectly shaped!" ((Rule of thirds here, needs 2 more examples)) History Lesson: •Good at art cuz no porn - there was much better art, and I mean paintings, back in the days of yore. Do you know why so many iconic paintings come from this era?! Because there was no porn. You think these guys (Rembrandt, Van Gogh, Monet) weren't drawing weird sex stuff in their spare time?! Of course they were. People think porn took over in vhs days but it's gone back much further than you think Way back in the day, I don't think they had the ADA (American Dental Association), but if they did it would be The Association of Guys that Own Pliers. If you had a tooth ache in the 18th century, your barber would pull your tooth!.. Guess the barber had a set of pliers.. therefore making him.. also a dentist. Hatred for people with red hair bleed over from hatred for the Irish? I just found out I'm Irish.. My dad was adopted and he just did the genealogy thing. Piss on a stick, or something.... I may be thinking of something else.. Anyway, it makes a ton of sense cuz my mom was Swiss. And if you know anything about the Swiss, they don't tend to takes sides, (hmhrph wwii). So when I get high, I'm Swiss: "hey whatever your views man, let's just have a dialogue.. Orrr not, I really have no stance on the issue." But when I drink whiskey: ..I wanna fight people. And I'm not a big guy soooo, I try not to drink whiskey.. I try to test myself against my friends, but they are all bigger than me so it never ends well. There is one guy who's bigger than me, but I can just psychologically break him down, and it's all true so I always win. And those other big guys are around and laughing so I have some protection. Things like "good thing those chicks can't see how many times you swipe right, otherwise they would call you a "Desperate Bitch!" Or: "you're so pathetic, how do you not have a crescent wrench?!" Things like that. One Friday night, He was a coward and attacked me while I was fall over baby deer legs drunk. We shut the bar down and as we're walking out he shoves me and I go flying into the ashtray. Butts are flyin.. I was not happy with him and I think I had some whiskey that night because I plotted revenge for the next day, I say "I'm gonna fuck this guy up". Saturday morning we always go back to the bar for breakfast. He says "you gonna be at the bar for breakfast?" I say "yeah buddy, 20 minutes". That's when I start loading the quarters into the sock. But yeah, whiskey makes me angry, I guess. Did anyone notice how the hitler youth haircut came back right around the time most of the wwii vets were pretty much all dead? The hipsters were scared of some old vet having a flashback to the war. "YOU.. NAZI.. BASTARD!!!" So my wife says to me while we're in the kitchen, out of nowhere, and I quote, "yeah I drop craisins" I'm thinking this is some new thing the kids are doing. Then she points to the floor and..there is a craisin. She says "watch this" and shoves a gigantic handful in her mouth and a few fall on the floor. She then walks away Slava drug store story. "What kind of a name is that?!" Shia vs. Tink The wiener dog comes in the house, if it smells the cat, he goes crazy. (Killed the neighbor tea cup something or another) the cat hears his collar and jumps up out of range and watches us shower the dog with love. ((Cats reaction is the punchline)) "What the fuck, that dude is trying to kill me!! Benedict friggin Arnolds" Danielle: "Willy Wonka" is like "Saw" for kids Never touch a mans belt buckle. Cuz they drape their balls over them while taking a piss "Hey lesbians, do you have your gloves in the car? They said yes. Well let's get a pickup game going! Hunters heroin people story - "she's sucking his DICK!" MMA fighter goes back in time to 1907. Breaks 1907's guys wrist because of his dumb boxing stance Lady at rite aid going through gender reassignment. I use my chip and she tells me to slide. I say "yeah we're going through a transitional phase right now" instantly realize what I just said Back to the bar. Being a smoker you know everybody's car.. you've seen them come and go enough because you're that much of an alcoholic and smoke on the half hour for the six hours you're there. (Well not you, me) So you'll walk up to the bar and be like "oh hello, jacks car, let's just lift up your windshield wipers there buddy" or "oh yup, Old Man Roy parked like a dick again.." Or "Hey look! there's Kevin's truck, let's draw a dick on it". <---Another thing about being a smoker that brings me joy, is watching the horror on people's faces when they scape the plastic underneath their bumper when pulling to close to the curb. I always give a look implying "you just fucked up your bumper!" Bar, Interior: If I'm on my phone and you come sit next to me at the rail, do not get on your phone, cuz then I feel like we look like assholes and I put my phone away.. But I still have shit to do so you're really being a real monkey wrench in my operation People who do bird calls: trying to trick birds? Stock internet passwords make you seem like an insane person. Jolly ocean 3, rapid pineapple 0. An insane person looks at it and goes "....that works. No need to even change it.." Bevmo event planner needs an option for your alcoholic friends. 3 pictures. What do your friends look like at the end of the night; 1. Someone smiling 2. Hot mess 3. Just a toilet Sleeping in the wrong car overnight My wife put my jerk off blanket out for people to use. "You sicko!! You were gonna let my friends use that blanket" I'm thinking of the scenario where somebody goes to grab and I say "oh that's my baby blanket, I don't know how that got out here, let me get you another one.." And..((eyebrow)) I wouldn't be lying about the baby blanket thing. Old men's memory's are bad because their spank banks are 70 years full. Head Bobbers of Noddingham My wife said "you know how I know you're an alcoholic? Because your handwriting is shit but your numbers are beautiful. Signing tabs everyday for the last 10 years will do that" You know what really freaks out the ladies? When you immediately realize what you did wrong. You start apologizing too soon and it somehow makes things much worse. So if you one day have an immediate realization about something you did wrong... Play the dumb card for a day or 3 to make it seem like you've put deep thought into your mistake. Skinny guys dating fat chicks: what if she gets cold, how can you share your jacket?! My dad was adopted and finally did that genetics test •"spit"• hey, we're Irish. That makes a ton of sense. Too much whiskey and all of the sudden I get ridiculous agry Power went out in target. Here's how weird I am: I stole a snoop dogg cd and a Björk cd. To all women: if one is partaking upon a banana in public, use a knife. This will discourage onlookers. #yesallwomen Anyone old enough to send away "proof of purchases" for a prize from the back of a cereal box? Had to ask your mom for $2.50 to cover shipping and handling.. Waiting for it made you realize there is no true instant gratification. The waiting! Everyday: did it arrive, mother?!... No? (sulk away) then FINALLY when your 6 piece Lego set shows up you think: "I'm 27 I don't care about Legos anymore!" (Needs a tag) ((maybe:)) but I forgot to pull out when I was 21 so my 6 yr old will enjoy it) Old phone when unlocked will have a random screen of something from earlier. Sometimes it's porn. Gotta be careful Nowadays you see an old lady walking around and you think "that lady looks as old as my grandma when I was 9. She's got the old lady hair, the old lady sweater, old lady shoes, old lady jewelry" but then she has some rockin' tits! They do a "facelift" for those titties Gotta be careful watching porn with headphones. The getting caught factor isn't even what I mean, I leave one ear off for that. I only do les porn with headphones. cuz you don't need some dude "ugh ugh ugh! Oh Ya baby suck that cock" RIGHT IN YOUR ear. Not what I'm goin for there. White people always put housin sauce in the pho. Next to the bar I go to is a pho place. Smoking with Paul Teaching us how after we go in drunk.. (Housen sauces for dippin the meat)((white people put it in the broth)) "oh really?? Cut to me at home- it's delicious!!" Free bottle of siracha Pouring the old pho in the toilet ("how else do you get rid of old pho?!") How pissed off are you when someone in a Tesla SUV doesn't open their back doors? "Lemme see that back to the future sheeeit!" Old guy coughing sounds like someone taking crap to you. "What the hell did you say to me, old man?