#but I have given myself permission to not feel that guilt lol I suck at certain things and that’s okay ☺️

[sainamoonshine]

Listen guys I know I will never be much good* (or even enjoy, tbh) calligraphy, but my mother-in-law keeps giving me old “the basics of calligraphy!!” sets that she finds at goodwill that obviously someone got as a gift in the 90s and never even opened and I enjoy collecting the inks and tiny ceramic bowls and inkstones so, so much ☺️

*this isn’t poor self esteem btw this is clear eyed & serene knowledge of where my skills lay and the answer to that is in art forms that do not require steady hands and good spatial awareness. I like digital art and fiber crafts lmao.

[tojikai]

Hihi! I loved the commission i got from you and im honestly holding myself back from getting more on what if’s😭😭

Im finally asking the questions i have, there’s so many so feel free not to answer 😭😭 my apologies

Im just curious to how these would’ve turned out/what would’ve happened

I might get a commission on these in the future shjsjs

- If toji came into the picture earlier, how would've he handle him and y/n being like how him and naomi are? (playing house with yui basically, yui calling him"papa", being overly affectionate with each other/rubbing it on his face, taking her to places without his permission, toji telling him how to parent, and wtv else they did Imfaoo) also her dealing with it like he did(always putting toji over him etcc)

- what if toji came in the same time as naomi like two weeks afterwards? 🙂‍↕️

- What if she took yui and disappeared like in the commission, after the whole big fight

- would gojo still choose naomi over y/n at the point of a month being since they separated/when y/n saw them

- what if y/n did/showed him what he wanted? When she saw him and naomi, (im finding it hard to word this) ig asked him “why” etcc, asked him why he would go back on his word and communicate with him as to why she pulled away from him/still is in a way instead of doing what she did and sucking it up?

HIII thanks so much to youu <3 im glad that you liked it, i was so worried😭anw lets answer them!!

i see satoru losing his mind over that. i feel like he'll be confronting yn over it. he wont handle it like yn handled him and naomi, nah he cant be that calm LMAO i have a feeling there will be punches thrown between toji and him (or get close to it hahaha) his reactions will certainly cause a fight between him and naomi lol i feel like he wont make it obvious at first, but it'll make him crack soon enough.

if toji came the same time as naomi oh, mess. that's it, a mess. it'll be like these two people (toji and naomi) are just getting caught between these lovers who' s desperate to prove to each other that they're fine being apart lmao

if yn disappeared after the big fight, satoru would've lost it. he'll be carrying all that guilt, and all his unsaid feelings for her. naomi will try to keep up w him, try to join his searches thinking it's only bc yn has yui but it'll only be a matter of time before she realize that satoru just can't let go of yn.

as for the fourth question if i understood correctly, i think satoru wouldn't choose naomi over yn but rather he'll be contemplating whether he wants to go back to his chaotic relationship with her or enjoy the peace that he's getting currently. i would say, it wouldn't be abrupt but, if within a month of his rs with naomi, yn comes and says she wants to try again, satoru would slowly make his way back to her, breaking it gently to naomi rather than just leaving her. (she was good to him, esp. during hard times and part of his feelings for her stems from that.)

if yn did that the moment she saw them together, then naomi can consider her and satoru done 😭 no matter how many stupid things satoru has said/done to yn, he's still a special kind of soft for her. he will drop anything if yn's life is on the line and that applies to any given point in time in their rs. it was, is and will remain unchanged.

[crashingwavesinmyworld]

Riverdale Review

Wow I can’t believe I actually missed this show lol. It’s so ridiculous but 95% of it so entertaining I can’t stop watching

But this episode actually had me emotional 😭😭 I feel so horribly for Veronica. Especially when she sang that song not knowing it was Archie’s song for Betty I cried so hard. And when she told him she loved him, it just reminded me of how hard it was for her to say it before, and now that same person she finally let herself be vulnerable with betrayed her, and with one of her best friends of all people. And I’m also really angry that Archie still wasn’t fully honest with her either. Like they may have just kissed once(not counting the staged kiss that Veronica knew about) but they were meeting in secret, that one romantic dance sequence that I know wasn’t real but like he actually had feelings for Betty and he wasn’t straight up about this, it doesn’t matter if he was just confused or not. I’m still so mad that this plot had to happen in the first place. They could have still had Varchie go their separate ways because of Archie’s fear of holding her back/long distance, Why was the cheating necessary? It’s just so unfair to Veronica she deserves so much better. And I know that this isn’t as important but like it sucks to see another one of my OTPS get destroyed by cheating. It doesn’t matter what happens in the future because that will always be the elephant in the room. Like, my OTP on Degrassi (Zaya) got tainted by cheating too and as much as I still love them, it’s still hard to look at them the same. Thankfully I wasn’t as attached to Varchie but it still hurts because I genuinely loved them for a long time. I don’t even hate them now I’m just upset and frustrated and I don’t even care if they end up together now I just want them both to be happy but mostly Veronica. Also, I love Mary but can she stop saying endgame now this goes for any character it’s so cringe please. Even if it weren’t for what Archie did that line still would have bugged me lol

Last thing about Archie, his boxing plot is so boring I just...do not care...and hope he doesn’t change his mind and decide to do the academy because it’s just so boring I wanted to fall asleep thanks

Okay onto Cheryl/Toni. I’m SO happy we met one of Toni’s family members. She has every right to be wary of a Cheryl cuz of her family, and I feel so bad for both of them because Toni wants to be loyal to her family but also to Cheryl. But honestly, I’m in favor of right now Toni having her own life outside Cheryl. I love them together but they both need to grow on their own and we need to learn more about Toni outside of Cheryl. This was a step in the right direction but we still need a solo Toni Plot without Cheryl involved, and also have her interacting with other characters. As much as I don’t like the Serpents, (mainly cuz of the overuse of Jughead in the storyline, I love him but he was so obnoxious then) it was interesting to see Toni bring it up again wanting to be the leader and I’m curious to see where that goes. My heart did break for Cheryl too though, when she was crying in the end about being alone and it being her curse, I feel that way all the time 😭😭😭 It did bother me though when she visited Toni’s aunt without her permission. At this point Cheryl thought the issue was that they are LGBT, and Cheryl visiting was basically outing Toni. (Correct me if I’m wrong I can’t remember if her aunt already knew and was just unaccepting or if Toni wasn’t out to her yet) But it’s actually besides the point it could have created a huge problem for Toni. This is another reason why they need to grow on their own, a problem Cheryl has is she tends to overstep and do things without thinking about the consequences. Which, is realistic and is true for more than just her character, but still, it’s something she needs to grow from. On a positive note though Choni looked stunning in their prom dresses and I’m glad they won prom queens 💕💕 Also on another positive note I am glad they were able to split them up without irreparable damage in a realistic way that wouldn’t taint either character or their relationship. Idk why they couldn’t do that with Bughead and Varchie but I’m glad they could do that with Choni.

Okay onto the Betty and Jughead Plot. They were SO cute before/during their prom pictures 💖💖💖 their actual plot was okay, classic Bughead but nothing really new or exciting and honestly when Jellybean turned up at the rave I thought she was gonna be behind it all or at least a part of it and I’m glad she wasn’t but it would explain why she’s barely around. As much as I wouldn’t want her to be a villain, it would have been an interesting plot twist and given her something to do at least. God though I wish Bughead (and all the characters) could have just had one nice dance without weird shit happening but that’s the Riverdale way lol. I still can’t figure out whose doing this but we did see Brett in jail, I honestly can’t remember what happened to Donna in her last appearance but maybe she’s behind it some how? Or one of the other Stonewall kids but I really don’t know. It’s funny how they at first assumed Reggie did it lmao. Anyway, i guess for Bughead I should address that Jughead still doesn’t know yet about the cheating. What bugs me about this is that Archie said that he and Betty “swore” not to tell. I don’t remember that happening, must have been offscreen and I get it, they don’t wanna hurt them and at least with Betty I can believe she actually loves Jughead and wants a future with him, based on every interaction they’ve had since that whole fiasco, it’s almost like nothing ever happened and if it weren’t for Betty’s face during Veronica singing the song I honestly would have forgotten until Archie mentioned it tbh, (based on Bughead scenes only) but with Varchie scenes it was obvious something was off with Archie. And like it didn’t even seem like Archie wanted to fight for Veronica, I don’t know if it’s because he already thought he was holding her back, I mean, the reason he even told her the truth was because she said she wanted to stay in town with him instead of going to college, with or without the cheating he clearly didn’t want to hold her back. I feel like that’s the likely reason but like, the Archie’s stiff demeanor and awkwardness before the confession could have been explained as guilt but afterwards, he still acted so indifferent like he didn’t care much. He didn’t even cry. Like. It was just weird, but I don’t imagine that happening with Bughead. The thing is though, if Betty really did swear to never tell him, then that really makes it harder to believe they could make their future work whether they both want it to or not because if she can’t be honest, there is little hope. And now it will just look like when Jughead does find out it will only be because Veronica did, so it’s likely he won’t even hear it from Betty herself. I don’t think Veronica will tell him because her and Archie agreed not to but with all the creepiness going on he could find out another way, but I WANT to believe Betty confesses on her own. I actually think it could be Archie that convinces Betty to tell or maybe even he will tell Jughead because in the promo for the next episode Betty’s asking Archie what’s wrong. Jughead is also present, maybe they both tell him together. I hope that’s the case because I think something the writers have largely forgotten is the Core 4 Friendships. They barely interact one on one or even as a group it’s either the couples off together or throughout some of season 4 it was Cheryl/Veronica or Veronica and her parents and Betty/Charles but like no Beronica or Jughead/Archie, Hell even the Betty/Archie friendship was nonexistent before their random affair. If not only the relationships but the friendships can ever be repaired they need to be honest. All of them with each other. I mean I guess it’s kind of good those friendships haven’t on screen because they still would have been keeping that secret acting like all was fine and we already got Betty doing that to Jughead/Archie with Veronica until this ep so it would have been awful to see Betty do that to Veronica and Archie to Jughead, But like they’re still lying to them and they need to stop. All the truth needs to come out.

Also in the promo for next week it shows the Archie/Hiram conflict is back and like there is actually a good reason for it this time but I also just cannot bring myself to care because they overdid that shit in seasons 2-3 and like he has every right to call Archie out and that doesn’t bother me but the violence does because it’s really unnecessary and once again they already have overdone that and I know it’s possible Archie is 18 now but like Hiram’s obsession with terrorizing teenagers is creepy and if this was the first time he did if it wouldn’t bother me because Archie cheated on his daughter so his anger makes sense but he was already trying to kill Archie before for no good reason for 2 seasons straight so like, I can’t get behind this. Just call him out on his shit then move on. And please no more fights or boxing matches please I’m begging you. (For the record I know the promo could have been misleading but it did look like Hiram was trying to beat him up. Now like if Reggie or Jughead wanted to beat him up or fight him I wouldn’t be so bothered but Hiram is an adult and he’s been such a shitty father even if his anger is justified he’s hurt Veronica twice as much so he can sit down tbh). If this is them trying to redeem him for protecting Veronica or something it’s not the way to do it.

Anyway wow this was long. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a show to look forward to. As crazy as Riverdale is I’m glad it’s back and am excited for next week but am not prepared for my Bughead heart to break either 😭 at least Choni aren’t on bad terms and Varchie can’t hurt me anymore than this episode did

[turtle-steverogers]

Can you make a Sprace fic where Race is a foster kid and has PTSD?

nng sorry this took so long

but n e wayyyyyy its 2:00 an d w e posting cuz my brai n hates me

-

I Can’t

warnings: panic attack, implied abuse

ship: sprace

editing: lol

word count: 1731

“Okay, can I have Tony and Spencer onstage for their fight call,” Medda Larkin called through her megaphone, flipping through the script in front of her, “I wanna see this fight in full, don’t hold back.  I need to know if anything needs to be fixed sooner rather than later.”

Spot straightened his back, leaning over in his seat next to Medda to look over his prompt script as Race and Specs walked out on stage.  He glanced up, sending an encouraging smile to Race, who flashed him a forced one in return.  Even from his place in the back of the theatre, Spot could tell that something was off.  Race’s composure was guarded and nervous, shoulders drawn up ever so slightly and fingers twisting in front of him as he and Specs took their respective places stage right and downstage.

“Ready, guys?” Medda called, waiting for Specs and Race to give her a quick thumbs up before leaning back in her chair, “Alright, Spot tell them where to take it from.”

Spot nodded, eyes scanning his script, “Uhh, take it from…‘lay offa me’, okay?”

Race nodded, rolling his shoulders a few times to get into character.  He braced one hand on the ground, hunching his shoulders as he kneeled in what looked like a defeated position.

“Lay offa me, wouldja?” He spit, panting as he turned his head slightly to glance at Specs across the stage, “Thought you’d be satisfied by now.  You won!  Is that what you wanna hear?”

Specs scoffed, crossing to him, “Ah, but here’s the fun thing,” he bent down, grasping Race by the sleeve of his shirt and hauling him to his feet, “I haven’t won,” he pressed their noses together, hovering over Race, “until you’re six feet underground, you hear me boy!?”

Race’s face contorted into one of pure anger and he mimed spitting at Specs.  Specs jerked his head backwards, reacting as if he’d actually been spit on and taking a moment to wipe at his face before shoving Race lightly towards the ground.  Race stumbled, falling heavily to give the impression that he’d been pushed much harder.  Spot raised his eyebrows, impressed by both of their acting.  It was coming along surprisingly well given the short amount of time they’d been off book.

“Get back up!” Specs fumed, “I will not tolerate this kind of-”

Spot frowned as Specs continued to monologue, eyes trained on Race as he cowered on the floor.  He’d long since missed his cue to stand back up and he had shifted to his hands and knees, head bowed low between his shoulders.  Spot could see his arms shaking and he sat up straighter, alarm shooting down his spine when Specs stopped speaking abruptly.

“Race?” Specs stepped forward, kneeling down next to his friend and momentarily freezing when he noticed the tears that seemed to be running down his face, “Shit,” he cursed, turning his attention to Spot and Medda, “Hey, something’s wrong!”

“Oh dear,” Medda mumbled under her breath, standing swiftly as Spot did the same.

They hurried towards the stage, Spot pulling ahead of Medda in order to reach his clearly hurting boyfriend faster.  By the time they got there, Race had rocked back onto his heels, hands braced behind his breath as he tried to reign in his unsteady breathing.  Specs reached out, placing a hand on his back, but quickly withdrew it when Race yelped a little, hitting him involuntarily.

“Fuck,” Spot hopped onto the stage, coming to a halt in front of Race’s trembling form, “Hey, Race, hey.  What’s happening?”

Race didn’t answer, having resorted to lacing his fingers in his hair, pulling hard.

“Hey, don’t do that,” Spot coaxed, “Can you hear me?”

Race didn’t answer and Spot flashed a worried glance at Medda, who moved to squat next to them as well.  

“Antonio, dear, can you open your eyes for me?” Medda spoke softly, motioning for the students who had begun to peek their heads out from behind the curtain to back away.  

Specs looked between Race and the rest of the cast a few times before huffing a decisive breath, “I’ll make sure they don’t crowd,” he said, already moving to rally the others.

Tears had begun to stream down Race’s face at a steadier pace and Spot grimaced, worrying his lip between his teeth as a few gut-wrenching sobs worked their way out of Race’s chest.

“Antonio, c’mon sweetie,” Medda said, “You’re okay, can you open your eyes?”

Spot pursed his lips, hesitantly opening his mouth, “Racer,” he tried, shifting a little closer to Race than Medda, “You’re safe, baby,” he kept his voice low and private, “Do you want to go somewhere else?  I’ll go with you and we can work this out.”

For a moment, it seemed like Race still hadn’t heard him and Spot clenched his jaw, feeling utterly helpless.  Then, Race nodded sucking in an unfulfilling breath as he did so.

Spot quickly glanced at Medda for permission, who waved him off, “Go, be careful.”

Spot nodded, mouthing a grateful ‘thank you’ before turning his attention back to Race.

“Can I touch you?” He pressed, “It’s just me.”

“No,” Race gasped, “Please, I-”

“That’s okay,” Spot said, hurriedly, “No touch, no problem.  Think you can stand, though?”

Race shook his head vigorously and Spot’s shoulders hunched.  He was at a loss.  

“It’s alright, honey,” Medda said, gently, “You two stay here, I’ll move everyone to the blackbox.”

Relieved, Spot nodded, continuing to murmur easy nothings while Medda shepherded all the students out of the theatre.  Once they were alone, Spot sat criss cross in front of Race.

“Tony, hey, you listening?” He said.

Race nodded and Spot smiled, “Awesome, okay, uh,” he let his eyes wander, trying to figure out how to help Race, “can you try to open your eyes for me?  Just try, love.”

Race let out a small sob, blinking rapidly as he opened his eyes.  His pupils were blown wide and he flinched, hands flying to his chest as he tried to breathe.

“Hey, hey, okay,” Spot crawled a little closer, itching to reach out and take hold of Race’s hands, “Good job on opening your eyes, but do you think you could take a breath now?  Like, in as deep as you can, feel it, like, fill your chest.”

Race shook his head, “Can you,” he coughed, struggling to get his words out, “Can you just, like, ask questions?”

Spot tilted his head a little, “Questions? Like..”

“Anything,” Race pleaded, “Easy stuff.”

“Oh, yeah, yeah, uh,” Spot ran a hand through his hair, “Hamburgers or hotdogs?”

Race drew in a breath, exhaling his answer, “Depends.”

“On what?” Spot pushed.

“My mood,” Race said, still sounding choked.

“That’s fair,” Spot said, “Uh, mountains or beaches?”

“Beaches.”

“Same,” Spot agreed, “Favorite dog breed?”

“Pitbulls,” Race answered, sounding a little bit calmer, “Misunderstood good boys.”

Spot chuckled, “Yeah, they’re pretty cute.  Favorite book series?”

“Harry Potter, hands down,” Race said, dropping into a sitting position.  His breathing still sounded labored, but his tears had mostly stopped, which was a win in Spot’s book.

“Good ass read, yeah,” Spot scooted next to him, sitting close enough so Race could lean into him if he wanted to, “Favorite book outta the seven?”

“Uhh,” Race took in a deep breath, letting it out shakily, “The third.  Sirius is a badass in that one.”

“He’s a badass always,” Spot countered, immediately hugging an arm around Race as he curled into his side, “How’re you feeling?”

Race hummed, “Shitty, but better.”

“Can I ask what happened?”

Race sighed, reaching out to fiddle with the hem of his shirt, “Uhh, so like, remember how I told you I was in foster care from, like, fifth to ninth grade before I could move in with my aunt?”

Spot nodded, listening intently.

“Well, they stuck me in a few homes, but there was this one that I ended up staying at for the last three years I was in the system and it sucked,” he swallowed, curling closer to Spot who gave his arm a comforting squeeze, “Kids called it ‘The Refuge’ and the guy running it, Snyder the Spider, wouldn’t treat us too well.  Kinda beat up on everyone and yelled a ton, but if you stayed under the radar, he let you off easier,” he let out a humorless laugh, “‘Cept I never really liked to stay under the radar so he liked to, uh, give me the brunt of shit.”

Spot felt the blood drain from his face, the puzzle pieces falling together, “So when Specs was acting like-”

“-Like an abusive adult?  Yeah, not a cake walk for my mental state.”

Spot clicked his tongue, “Not that it’s your fault that you reacted like this, but why didn’t you tell anyone how you felt about this scene?  We coulda worked something out.”

Race shrugged, “I dunno,” guilt laced his tone, “Thought I could handle it, like, I tried to mentally prepare for it and I figured it’s been two and a half years and like, it’s just Specs, but… yeah, I overestimated myself.”

“Like I said,” Spot said, firmly, “Not your fault, but you need to tell Medda about this.  She’ll understand.  She raised Jack, so she’s familiar with this shit, but we can’t have that happening again.  S’not good for you.”

“Well, no shit,” Race snapped, immediately backtracking, “Sorry, sorry.  I know it’s not good for me and yeah, I’ll talk to Medda.”

“I can come with you if you want?” Spot offered.

Race pulled himself out of Spot’s embrace, studying his hands for a moment before looking at him, “Yeah, could you?”

Spot smiled, reaching down to take his hand, “Of course.”

Race ran his thumb over Spot’s knuckled, still looking worn, “And, uh,” he quickly flicked his finger under his nose- a nervous tick, “thank you by the way.”

“Yeah, you know it’s not a problem,” Spot said, sincerely.  He glanced at his watch, seeing that a good chunk of their rehearsal time had vanished, “We should go talk to Medda now.  She’ll prolly let you chill out for the rest of today, but we still gotta finish out rehearsal.”

Race scoffed, “The show must go on no matter how mentally or physically fucked you are.”

Spot laughed, “Ain’t that the fuckin’ truth.”

-

those last two lines are theatre culture lmao

thanks for reading, chiefs

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[thesoupoftheafternoon]

6.5ish years T, 5.5ish years post top

Updating because of a surprise revelation regarding my dose & how it relates to my mental health. Also because I haven't posted on this for two years!

First off, general changes. Dose stuff at the end. (TL;DR dose stuff--by accident I lowered my dose by .1 mL and despite never having felt much of a difference mood-wise from changing my dose before, I feel fucking great and actually happy for the first time in a while! Surprise, your levels should also take into account your age and you shouldn't use the same reference range for the whole time you're on T!)

Under cut--this is mad long. [And cw for mental health talk including v mild suicide ideation, also alcohol/drugs]

T stuff:

I posted pretty much the same thing last time, but I'll reiterate that the vast majority of these changes are basically subtle things that no one else notices and that probably have more to do with just getting older/diet/exercise than being on T. My facial hair range is exactly the same as it was two years ago (literally just ‘stache and chin directly below the mouth) which checks out based on my dad/my entire family. I shave about once a week. Happy trail a little bit happier, lil more arm hair, lil more leg hair. Haven't been checking super closely but I think I have more hair around my butthole. Dick size is the same. Appetite has dropped a bunch--I can't scarf down food the way I used to. I’m read as male all the time, haven’t been misgendered based on my appearance since like 2013. 120-125ish pounds.

Chest stuff: (I had keyhole btw)

Nipple sensation is back, I repeat, nipple sensation is BACK! They're healthy and super perky, which I used to be kinda insecure about since they stick out a bit, but also like, who gives a shit? I would say they feel about 90% as sensitive as they were before surgery, and after a bit of touching they do start feeling a little less sensitive, but they never go completely numb. I'd say they've been at this level of sensation since early 2017. Left nipple is more sensitive than my right. My right nipple used to kinda bulge outward on the bottom but I guess the scar tissue has broken down somewhat since it's lying a lot flatter these days. The numb chest patches are smaller and way less numb and it takes less pressure for them to register touch. Drain scars look kinda like bug bite scars. Under-areola scars are very hidden, basically invisible. 

Lower surgery??

It’s on my mind but it’s always been a little on my mind. It’s not a priority. A hysto/oopho may be in order someday. But I’ve been thinking about what I want my junk to look like and be like as I get older, and whether my current setup and how I relate to it is going to be sustainable. I genuinely don’t know whether I would rather get metoidioplasty or phalloplasty. There’s a lot more thinking to be done. 

Dose stuff: 

I started T in 2012 with .5 injections every other week. With 200 mg/mL that averages out to 50 mg of T per week, although I'm sure my levels were different from someone on a weekly schedule. Around the 2.5 year mark my bloodwork came back saying I had super low T. I upped my dose to .5 every week, so 100 mg/week (which is famously a pretty common dose, there's even some trans merch company called .5cc.) Over the next year or two (I really don't remember exactly when) my bloodwork showed me now at very high T levels, nearly and in some cases exceeding the upper threshold of my doctors' reference ranges, so I lowered my dose to .4 and then to .3 mL/week, or 80 and then 60 mg/week. Of course I worried about T aromatizing into E, but my doctor at the time didn't test my blood for estradiol until I had already reduced my dose down to .4, and said my E levels were fine (I don't remember the exact number.) 

Even at 60 mg/week my T levels were still high. I and my doctors chalked it up to the fact that I work out a lot and/or maybe my body was just like that The general consensus was that "if your period isn't coming back, your E levels are fine," usually followed with some question like “how are you feeling on this dose?” or “are you feeling good?”

And what I kinda knew then then, but what’s even clearer to me now, is that I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA. My I-guess-it’s-anxiety, my on-and-off idk-if-it's-depression, my garbage sleep cycle, my self-doubt and second-guessing and skewed perspectives, have all been around in some form or another, so it's very hard for me to parse out what I'm even Really Feeling sometimes, never mind what might be causing that feeling. For the last several years if I felt bad I would usually conclude one of the following:

I feel bad because I’m actually a shitty person and feeling bad is natural for how bad and awful a person I am.

I feel bad because the world is fucked and society is crumbling and feeling bad is natural for how literally everything we love will be swallowed by the sea and/or be salted and burned in worldwide conflict.

Which is obviously not conducive to trying to figure out any other external factors or triggers for my shitty mental health!!

Plus it’s not like I was exactly excited to have less testosterone in my body. I was genuinely nervous that lowering my dose lower than .3 a week would just be an experiment that wouldn’t do anything except make me less buff and maybe even bring back my period. And I’d always been a little skeptical about the extent of hormonal effects on mood. T certainly affected my mood positively when I started, that was an obvious cause/effect, but I figured (and still do think) that had SO much more to do with finally being seen as a guy and having a masculine body than any sort of direct T-on-brain action. I did notice some increased irritability, but it wasn't much, and also I was still 16 lol. I noticed changes over the course of months or years--never within the course of a week. I can’t relate at all to folks who talk about spikes or troughs in their levels or getting a rush or feeling low based on where they were in their shot cycle. So I'd always tell doctors that I felt fine on whatever dose I was on because, well...I guess I felt fine!!

For the last several months--maybe the last year and a half, tbh--my mental health has been pretty bad. Over the course of any given day, the things I felt were generally limited to annoyance, panic, self-pity, drunk, stoned, and horny, and usually in that order. And that's a relative statement, because I'm pretty functional and haven't ever hit clinical levels of whatever, have always been able to find enjoyment in some things and get endorphins from exercise and complete necessary tasks on time, but hey, if you're reading this and feel like it's normal to constantly have "I hate myself, I fucking suck, why don't I just die" churning around in your head even if you're "not going to act on it," or that it's normal to drink and smoke weed until you basically pass out 6 days out of 7, or that it's normal to feel convinced every bit of positive affirmation you're getting is out of pity, Honey You've Got A Big Storm Coming. Like, again, considering how shit awful our current sociopolitical climate (and also the literal Earth's climate) are, it's no surprise I felt these were understandable feelings, and like, I guess they kind of were? But just because a feeling is understandable doesn't mean it's a good thing that I'm having it. Which seems remarkably obvious in hindsight!

Anyway, about a month ago I underestimated how much was left in my vial and had to do a .2 mL shot instead of .3. That's 40 mg for that week: even lower of a dose than when I started T. As the week went on I noticed I actually felt consistently happy: not just "someone's giving me attention," not just "nihilistic fun," not just "I guess the things I'm looking at right now are pretty," but actually satisfied, content, grounded, having emotions that felt like they came FROM ME. 

And since I’m always one to consider alternative explanations, there’s plenty of other factors that might have led to this improved mood. When I lowered my dose, I had just gotten accepted to two new jobs. I’d met up with friends I hadn’t seen in a while. But it’s not as though before I lowered my dose I never felt happy. It just never stuck around. These days I’m able to retain a positive emotion beyond the precipitating event and not just have the same boring self-hating thoughts over and over again. Which is huge!! I feel like I’ve really broken the thought cycle that’s defined much of my thinking for the last few years. So many of my emotions have been about my emotions, and a big part of why I felt so awful was feeling so helpless against these thoughts, and understanding completely deep down that it was irrational, that it really didn’t make any sense for me to feel this awful. That of course tapped horribly into my endless guilt complex and fed it and it just went on and on. 

I haven’t gotten my levels tested again yet--that’ll happen later this month. (My doctor knows and is cool with this reduced dose.) I’m especially interested to see where my estradiol will be at. My T will probably be more reasonable for someone my age--I feel like my crazy 1000+ ng/dL T levels were okay when I was like 19-20 but now that I’m a whole 23 years old (yo!!!) it makes sense they should be a little lower. I’m not a doctor, though--but then again, real ass certified doctors have made hashes of my medical care in the past, so I’m comfortable trusting myself a little on this one. 

General life update and thoughts on being trans in this world:

I’m much more relaxed and much more okay with being trans these days. Comes with being a lot more sure about myself and who I am, which is a continuous process and one that was happening even before I lowered my dose and was suddenly way less depressed. While I still get hives at the thought of anyone outing me without my permission, I’m a lot more comfortable outing myself to people, even large groups of people, even folks who I might not really know. I’ve come to appreciate the parts of me that are definitely and absolutely because I am trans or that reveal I am trans, and the connections I can make with people by sharing those parts of me.

I’m not sure I’d say I have a career at this point, but definitely most of the work I’m doing these days is in social justice, non-profit, LGBTQ-related, activist work. My resume more or less outs me as at the very least a deeply committed trans ally, lol. I think growing up and realizing I was trans I hated the thought that it would define who I was and what I did. I didn’t want to touch activism or trans spaces in general with a trillion-foot pole. 

I’ve since gotten over myself and like...let myself enjoy things, I guess? I really do find nonprofit work super rewarding and I finally admitted to myself I fucking love chilling with other trans people and talking about trans shit and that I do love, if not the fact that I And My Body Am Trans, the existence of community and the thoughts and ideas that we share. And a lot of the time I do like my body. And I’m kinda ready for this newfound happiness to stop feeling so fresh and exciting, because I know it’s a bit weird and inappropriate to be talking about how happy I am that I feel great when, again, The World’s Some Shit Right Now. 

But I think in general--not just about being trans--I’m letting myself feel the happiness that I have, with so much less guilt and shame. I always knew intellectually but am finally putting into practice the fact that simply denying myself happiness or feeling bad that I feel happy doesn’t bring happiness to folks who don’t have it. 

that’s it for now !