#but I'm wishing you luck and it's good to hear that reading abt my experience is easing *some* of the worry!!

[sergle]

thank you so much for posting abt your experience with getting reduction, because it’s made it a lot less scary of a concept to me. i have a lot of paid and discomfort caused by my chest but surgery of any kind is terrifying to me- seeing your joy and honesty about your reduction gives me a lot of hope for my own future. thank you for sharing :)

I'm glad it's relieving some of your anxiety about it!!! tbh I was shot back in time knowing what I know now, I'd go into surgery again feeling a lot more confident. If I knew that the healing would be so manageable, I coulda saved myself a lot of stress LMAO

[pashminalamb]

BELLE LOVE YOURE BACK!!!!!!!!! I've missed you so much 😭😭😭!!!! I'm so sorry to hear that you're sick though 😖😖. That seriously sucks, but I hope you feel better soon!!! Also I have a confession to make. I know I said I was working on blue lock drabbles. But like. The TR season 2 opening just dropped. I am not the same woman I was 1 hour ago. Episode 13 of bllk will probably kick-start my inspiration for the writing again (hopefully) but I'm hitting a block atm and all I can think abt is TR right now 💀💀. I have actually been so productive this winter break that it's insane. Cleaning, cooking, organizing, writing, etc. It's hard to believe I was the same person as last year tbh. I'm a hoarder and a sentimental sap so I never throw anything away 💀🥲. BUT I got rid of so much unnecessary stuff yesterday and I'm actually kind of proud of myself. I've been meaning to go to the gym again, but finding the motivation is hard, especially in the early morning when I'm drowsy and tired. I know it's not an excuse and I plan on going to bed early tomorrow so I can wake up without feeling tired 😤😤. Wish me luck 🥹🤞🏼!!! Also also. I have currently been listening to the new opening on loop since I heard it came out don't judge me and I'm pretty sure I have the entire visuals and lyrics matched up inside my head atp where I can hear it and know which character is on screen 💀💀💀. It's the same with the season 1 episodes again no judging. Yes I'm normal abt this 😌😌. Anyways ✨. Idk if you've seen my posts, but I have been freaking out abt the new opening since this morning adjkhgggkjggfdhjhg. I am so excited about next week. You are gonna be sick of me once the first episode drops I'm calling it now 😭😭💀. Anyways onto the actual important stuff. How was your vacation and holiday?? Good I hope?? How's the move to a03 coming along?? Again, I hope you feel better soon (Oliver sends his love from Italy ❤️❤️❤️)!!! Make sure not to overwork yourself and take care of yourself and rest okay love?? I really have missed you tho 🥹❤️. *sending all the virtual hugs and blankets and warm soup to you*

- ✨ anon

YES! I have returned !! I missed you too T.T , ahh its good to be back. ps. not only have i managed to fall sick... I uh... I twisted my ankle last night when I was celebrating new years. There was so much that happened last night, the dancing, hanging out with my roommates and last but not least. there were a lot of pretty boys at the club; but honestly, they were strutting around the place like some proud peacock and were intimidated by my height (yeah i was the tallest one last night with my three inched heels) and my calves are killing me rn; but totally worth it ✨ I SAW THE NEW TR OPENING! Pretty sure the fans are gonna crash the website; i wouldn't be surprised honestly- I am so looking forward to the new eps !! I read the latest chapter of bllk and... *sobbing cause no Oliver* Anyway, getting back to Tr; I am excited for the new season !! And i wanna see more of bonten and the shiba brothers arc, now i'm thinking if they're gonna introduce Nahoya and the whole baby of the family thing (cause the way i cooed when I was reading the manga) Girl. I saw you posted about Chainsawman !! And during vacay, we were passing by a bookstore... I uh... I ended up buying vol 4 with Aki as the cover. (i love it sm and i'm gonna treasure it even if I haven't reached that part yet) - the look i got cause the amount of profanities in there on opening one of the pages 😭 Vacay was fun, spent some time in the countryside and got a hold of new experiences that inspired me to re-write ruined rome (a project that i had started for Rin earlier on my blog) there was a cute guy on the bus who was watching rising shield hero i think? and i was busy watching one punch man cause i didn't get time to finish it, *sad cause i shoulda asked for his @ but i was really shy to talk to him and kinda disoriented cause of no sleep*

As for the move to ao3; I released the new chapter of Ocean hues and I'm working on a spotify playlist that you guys can play it when you read the series; hopefully you guys will enjoy it <3 speaking a bit and giving spoilers for the series; i included some of my dreams with Oliver (yes i am a simp and idc) And i have my oneshots saved in my draft, that will be getting posted as well... ao3 is getting fun for me cause i figured a way on using dividers and pictures. Not to mention even if ao3 does seem complicated its actually pretty easy to get by and i'm getting obsessed with alice in borderland- THE NEW SEASON IS FINALLY OUT! so i'm gonna be completing that and stone ocean's new eps (yes me likes JJBA. *likes jonathan, joseph and Jotaro*) And no bb ♡ i like seeing your rants on my dash and also. I. squealed at your Oliver drabble. Like i was walking around, stood for coffee before my flight at some 1 o clock in the morning and i saw this. And my gah- the way i was staring into my phone, I had a jolly good christmas and an early new year 😭 *busy working on a list of yandere wips and thinking the title to give my work*

*sending back hugs and wuv along with Bachira*

[romantic-suggestions]

hey i love your blog and i want to ask you something, should i message my crush anonymously on insta? In online class, they said they're reading a book that our teacher suggested them to read. So i bought that book bc i wanted to read with them in the same moment. there's a page in the book that fits the exact thoughts about my crush on them. I'm going to send the photo of it and I want to do it anonymously bc we barely interacted. I scroll your blog, read your posts and think about them. wish i could do more than that. I hope you answer me.

sorry for my broke english

Awww, no worries anon! English is really hard, but you’re doing super well! <3

But of course, yep... in my experience, anonymously sending things to ppl only really works if you want to tell them it’s you eventually, because some ppl can find it endearing, while others find it a bit weird! If they react positively, then there’s really nothing to stop you from saying it’s you, and you can be together (or at least mutually crush and be cute together!), but if they find it odd, then it means that even if you admit that it’s you, they might still find it unnerving that you sent them something romantic anonymously. But honestly? There’s definitely a place for messaging them and talking abt the book if you want to! You don’t have to mention that exact bit, but you can talk abt how you liked bits of it, and whether they’re reading anything else right now... just little conversation starters!

Honestly, crushes are super nervewracking to have, but little baby steps do help it turn from a dream into a possibility! Of course, sometimes things don’t work out, but forming a bond can be really good in general, plus you can chat during your online classes! :)

Good luck anon, and I hope you have some luck w talking to them! If you have any more updates, I’d love to hear (and I’m also v interested in the book if you want to send it!)

[illnessfaker]

do you have any resources on OSDD? like more in depth than just the diagnostic criteria, i'm very familiar with those, i guess more...people talking abt what it feels like? I have cptsd and I've been noticing things very similar to what you described in your post for a long time now. I thought I had DID for sure a while ago, but I was also actively manic/psychotic, so when that calmed down I assumed I had just been delusional. But the identity disturbances and dissociation persist. I don't think it's DID now it's osdd if it's anything but I'm wary of saying that for sure and rly would like some i guess more descriptive accounts of how symptoms are for someone with it. Sorry if this is a lot/you don't have anything of that nature, I'm glad to hear you're figuring out your own multiplicity and hope the understanding helps you in your healing process!

firstly, thank you for your kind words 😊

@/this-is-not-dissociative has a lot of info about did/osdd-1 (and other dissociative stuff) as well as having did/osdd-1 vs. dissociation in bpd/cptsd - though it's possible to have did/osdd-1 and bpd/cptsd of course - and did-research.org talks about osdd-1 a little bit (especially vs. having full-blown did). these are probably the best resources i can point you towards even though they don't contain many personal accounts. the first blog is staunchly against self-dx iirc and there's a lot of "you should speak to a professional about this" but u know how it is (at the very least they provide a lot of info and resources on how to go about doing that, it seems.)

some posts in particular that may be informative/helpful to you (there are probably many reasons to dislike this blog but it's what i've found most informative so yeah):

anp and ep, + an explanation of structural dissociation and how it models ptsd, cptsd, bpd, osdd-1, and did.

anp and avoiding trauma

an example of did vs. osdd-1

parts in bpd/cptsd vs. osdd-1

parts in cptsd vs. osdd-1 (this mod "kevin" has osdd-1, by the way)

parts vs. fragments vs. alters

alters not being easy to recognize

identity confusion vs. identity alteration

( read-more bc this got long despite it being past my bedtime lmao )

the problem w personal accounts of stuff and did/osdd-1 is presentations of these diagnoes will differ from person to person, sometimes greatly. contrary to media depiction they're also covert disorders by nature - they're psychological coping mechanisms for intense distress, and part of those coping mechanisms is being ignorant to the fact that your sense of self is fragmented / there are parts of your sense of self that are attached to trauma. i know of several folks who were initially diagnosed with osdd-1 but then later re-diagnosed as having did because the severity of their situation was very effectively hidden from them by this dissociation.

( another problem is that ppl are flawed and can give bad/wrong info on how stuff works or trends can give the wrong impression and unfortunately that's very common w did/osdd-1 spaces online. e.g. u don't have to know the name, age, etc. or know who's "fronting" or whatever with elaborate tagging systems and pages on ur blog with said info abt ur parts or "alters" to have did/osdd-1. worrying abt that stuff too much can worsen dissociation. )

it's not common for someone to have did/osdd-1 and for it to be obvious to themselves or others (who don't know what to look for, that is). this is why no small number of folks with did/osdd-1 are seemingly well-functioning on the outside since different dissociated parts often serve "everyday life" purposes such as going to work/school and these parts are the ones disconnected from traumatic "materials" as they're called. part of the reason why i'm wanting to conceptualize my experiences as osdd-1 is due to the fact that my default state (the "host"?) is emotionally dissociated from my trauma - i know it happened, but it seemed like it happened to "this body" rather than "me" and i don't feel anything about it until i get triggered. "apparently normal parts" that handle everyday life are usually trauma-avoidant or separated from the trauma like this in some way.

that being said, i'm still not totally sure if i qualify for an osdd-1 diagnosis or not tbqh. my situation is most like the "some individuals with OSDD-1 lack both amnesia and highly distinct parts" mentioned in the page i above linked (but yesterday and this morning/afternoon i was convinced i did - go figure). i'd been researching did/osdd-1 for a while (not necessarily because i thought it was what i was experiencing) which is part of what helped me come to terms with having experienced dissociation for a long time, and i thought up until like...the other day i definitely didn't have it. i came to believe i had some weird bpd/cptsd/szpd-like situation where emotional states had been "locked away" in boxes that i rarely touched as a defense mechanism against psychological distress. i also had a metaphor for my "emotional part(s)" as it/them being like, (a) ghost(s) that follow me around and aren't evil but occasionally "wrap their hands around my throat" to remind me that they're there.

then i saw someone w an osdd-1 diagnosis talk abt how they have parts whose "job" is to "feel sadness for them" as a defense mechanism against that kinda distress and then i was like...huh. and then i thought about how seeing my parents again felt kinda weird and distant. and that's kinda what tipped me off, despite having a pretty unstable sense of self and dissociation issues for a while. the "seeing my parents" thing is somewhat more major, because it felt different from my "default setting." thinking about it is uncomfortable and weird.

ur gonna have to do a lot of reading, tbh, and doing it in moderation is probably a good idea since thinking too much abt dissociation can trigger it. another thing is that conceptualizing yourself as having did/osdd-1 when you don't actually have that experience can worsen dissociation/identity issues as well so u gotta be careful abt how u approach it. but at the same time, cptsd and did/osdd-1 have mostly the same treatment methods anyway (and technically u gotta have cptsd to have did/osdd-1, not as like a diagnostic requirement really but a "you have to be traumatized from long-term traumatic experiences at a young age" sense) so many resources abt did/osdd-1 may be helpful to u regardless of whether you "have" them or not.

i can't tell u how to differentiate between symptoms of psychosis and did/osdd-1 (the blog i mentioned may have posts about that topic - there's two in their master-posts but neither were particularly helpful i don't think) since afaik i'm not psychotic but i wish you luck!

[sameens-shaw]

how did you realise that you are a lesbian and not bi? I'm questioning at the moment and idk what to do

Hi!Well, what I did was mostly just read and read and read, most of it on here tbh. I once stumbeled upon a post that was like “signs that you might be a lesbian” which got me wondering initially. For that, what has been incredibly helpful to me, were the blogs @hate2breakittoya @platovevo and @closet-keys but there are many more! H2B has tags called “am i gay” and “compulsory heterosexuality” and platovevo has a tag called “bi vs lesbian”. (I have a tag on that too called “questioning”) They are full of informative posts and asks of people asking about things, so you can get a good idea of lesbians’ and bi girls’ experiences (I’m assuming you’re a woman/woman aligned here cause you said you’re questioning whether you’re a lesbian, which is a term only for women (/-aligned people)) For good blogs by bi women that might help, there’s @brownbitchbisexual or @tomcats-and-tophats but I’m sure there are more!Other than that, what I thought was really helpful to know, is that the differences between being bi and lesbian are not as big as you might think and that in the end, it’s often just about what label feels better to you (don’t be afraid to try out a label for a while and see how it feels! That helps immensly, believe me!). And you don’t have to worry about men so much, what’s important is that you love women! They’re the focus here, not men and it’s totally ok if you just focus on that! The rest will resolve itself eventually. You can take your time! Just think about it for a while, a lot can get clearer with time.That being said, it’s worth noting that the whole “am I into men” question often comes down to “do I want to be with men” or “do I want to acknowledge my attraction to men”. You can be bi and only date women/women aligned people. You can be a lesbian. (that’s what I meant above, it’s important what label feels good to you)And important: Feeling like you could be with a man doesn’t mean you want to! I could be with a man theoretically, but do I want to? No!And related: Fantasies don’t equal real life, meaning that even if you have romantic/sexual fantasies (e.g. a common experience is having crushes on fictional male characters) don’t mean that you’d want it in real life. I can only tell from my experience, but I do still sometimes get crushes on fictional men, but the second a real relationship (irl) with a real man even becomes a plausible posibillity I get really uncomfortable and I just know that that’s not what I want (but it took me a while to realise that, only after a while of knowing that I am a lesbian I actively noticed it). Of course if it turns out you’re bi, and into men, you’ll experience it differently! But I think it’s really helpful to think about that.What I definitely would not recommend is getting together with a man “just to see if you like it”, because that can be really harmful!

But yeah, take your time, read some stuff about it and then think about it and you should be okay. And if you know/can meet any other wlw in real life and talk to them about it. Or maybe there are support groups? (I know there’s a group in Munich where you can go to as a wlw to talk about coming out or stuff like questioning your identity, maybe there is one wherever you live?).

I really hope I could help and I wish you the best of luck for figuring things out!

(I just remembered that you asked more abt my personal experience I think? I’m on mobile so I don’t see the original ask this app is awful… So sorry if I got off point and if you want to hear more about my personal experience and questioning process just send another ask, I’m happy to help!)