#but after working on my friend and i's video essay im like 'actually cutting down 12 hr footage is way easier' LMAOO

[crest-of-gautier]

video editing is so fun... (specifically cutting down hours of gameplay into a highlights format)

[cowardlybean]

Hey. The Times They Are A Changin’ by @bandtrees and @tigsbitties amiright (muffled face down on the floor)

more (some unsettling things) beneath the cut :3

(Image 3 is my favorite sequence from an animation for TTTAAAC I’ve been working on, so here it is just in case I never finish </3, image 4 is me thinking about Mob’s house. If. That makes sense.)

OH MAN. OH MAN OH MAN. this fic has altered my brain chemistry in a way that has doctors baffled and leaves tragedy in its wake!!!!!!!!! Absolutely a masterpiece I’ve reread it 3 times now and every time I notice a new detail, there’s just SO MUCH CARE put into it. I think I could write an essay about every page of this fic LMAO it honestly blows me away, huge kudos to everyone who was a part of the project!!!!

Especially the multimedia aspects, they were so much fun to find and in some cases decode (Scared the SHIT outta myself with Breathe I think it’s one of my favorites). the youtube videos were so cool as well

Realizing a third of the way in that things will never get better was such a gut wrenching experience, and by the time I realized just how deep the hole Mob dug himself into was it was absolutely too late for anything to happen (the end of act 1 was horrific in the most amazing way. So many things stuck with me: the state Reigen was left in compared to how he was, Ritsu’s “surgery”, Dimple losing his best friend, Shou’s report to the police, Minori’s conversation (if you can call it that) with Mob?? Bone. Chilling.

One of the parts that has been sitting in my gut is Reigen’s fall, where he starts to ramble through fragments of old times. I genuinely thought he was calling out to Mob until just as the same time Mob did I recognized the words and it hit me like a HAMMER. I don’t know how to put it into words but Reigen rambling on like a broken record tore me apart, and then it gets WORSE. I only realized on my second read that the intro of the fic. (Correct me if I’m wrong) IS REIGENS PERSPECTIVE OF MOB SEVERING HIS TENDONS???? Holy fuck. Holy FUCK. The vague semblance of consciousness written there is so deeply unsettling I’m absolutely OBSESSED with it. ESPECIALLY THE FACT THAT EVEN IN THAT STATE HE STILL WANTS MOB TO BE HAPPY (the cheer ^^ mob bit) and idk if I’m interpreting right (this is gonna be so embarrassing if I’m not) but him recognizing the filthy jacket as well. Taking me OUT. AND. AND THE FACT REIGEN NEVER SPEAKS AGAIN AFTER THAT?????? (I could be wrong oops)

The mental states of every character in the fic are written so chillingly well. I can understand how Mob spirals, the anger and grief Tome feels, Shou's spite and anger, Teruki's conflict, Dimple's loss of his best friend, Serizawa's waning optimism, I can't name every character in this fic but they are ALL characterized so well. There's no needless conflict that make them OOC, there's a reason behind every little tragedy building upon themselves and creating a giant disaster that deeply affects the entire cast. Not to mention how its not just the loss of Reigen and Ritsu, but the loss of Mob too. If they were to have died on impact, its unsettling to think that things may have turned out better than this.

There’s a lot of things I wanna say that would basically be restating the fic (dimple losing his best friend, teru shaving, and the irony of ritsu’s powers being taken away by mob) so instead of writing 20 more paragraphs I’ll ask some questions I’ve been mulling over (ofc yall don’t have to answer if it’s revealing too much or smth)

Does Mob actually end up getting investigated or arrested? The formatting of the social media posts and texts makes them seem as if they're evidence and so does the ongoing "interview?" with Shou throughout the fic

In the party, is Reigen saying he doesn't like citrus a reference to the lemon sour :eyes:

I'm probably missing something but im curious about the metaphor around Reigen and a stray cat (hair clinging to Mob's clothes, comparing him to a stray cat finding a place to die, comparing him to a cat outside Serizawa's door)

If I'm not wrong and the "glitchy" sections at the beginning and end of the fic are Reigen and Ritsu's povs respectively, is their mind constantly like that or is it just in the specific circumstances where they have a small burst of consciousness?

last (thats a lie im definitely drawing more fanart in the future) but not least, some notes from when I was re-reading

[scoobydoo-andnancytoo]

Reading Secrets Can Kill but I Share My Every Thought Chapters 5-8

- gym teacher borderline misogynistic ab cheerleading to Carla instead of just calling her irresponsible - Hal Morgan -> Hal Tanaka - Hal ran against daryl for class prez and im wondering if that's bc of Jake - Hal being blackmailed to write essay for Jake, maybe didn't actually copy an essay for this one - Jake has locker 515 - I don't think we know his locker number in the game ? which is a bummer bc that would be a simple fun tie-in - nancy uses a little lock picking kit which would honestly be a more fun puzzle/mini game than JAKE on the phone (esp bc puzzles feel so scarce in the remastered one to me) - Connie's bracelet inside locker so maybe he blackmailed her for it instead - i like Connie and Nancy being friends in the book - daryl sees her and smiles his "porsche driver's grin" whatever the hell that means ???

- daryl talks way too openly about her being a detective, idc if no one else is in the room - nancy ABANDONS investigating the video lab to ask Daryl to go for a coke. this is the biggest difference from the games because nancy wouldn't even stop sleuthing if Ned was deathly ill in those, meanwhile here's a man she just met and revved her engine at (never getting over that) and she's putting her case on the back burner - she literally tells daryl the last thing she wants to do rn is solve mystery. she's got it so bad wtf - Nancy's brakes aren't working as she's going downhill far too fast 😱 and Jake was poking around cars as she and daryl were leaving so Jake might be a lot more dangerous than he was in the game - they almost end up in an intersection until nancy veers them into the shoulder and after she almost kills them both she starts GIGGLING bc her car is due for inspection soon. ok girl. - her brakes were cut 😱 and then her car EXPLODES so....the affinity for explosions is the game seems to be in line w the book - hey maybe now nancy can get her dream Ford gt-e whatever convertible - after they got flung by the force of the explosion he's holding her and nancy is just thinking ab how "fabulous" daryls arms feel around her. GET A GRIP NANCY U ALMOST DIED - she and daryl had been kissing and now she finally, finally remembered Ned exists and feels bad lol - nancy thinks it's Jake and daryl asks what she's gonna do and she says "talk to him about it. first thing tomorrow" and personally if someone cut my BRAKES i would not simply chat with them about it ??? - bess and george are also like "hey maybe tell the cops instead of just talking to the guy who tried to kill you" but nancy is "confident she can handle him" HE CUT UR BRAKES !!!!!!!! what r u talking about nancy - Jake is dead now and i hope nancy will suspect daryl considering he knows she thinks it was him who cut her brakes and might have done it to ~protect~ her - I thought nancy would've been the one to find him when she went to confront him but ig not - Jake got beat up before being pushed down the stairs so im wondering if that'll be daryl but w/o him killing Jake - it seems like no one is pretending to be or acting sad that Jake is dead so ig the game fits the book - I would still pretend tho like??? - daryl does not seem to have found the body - even with all this nancy makes a point to make Carla jealous and kiss daryl's cheek she's soooo into him - nancy breaks in to Jake's locker pt 2, evidence tampering edition: wire cutters!! so he def tried to kill her, - nancy would bet her "$50 designer jeans" that Jake made the video and im stuck on the $50 part like who are we considering designer here??? - she finds an article ab walt (blech) having a football injury and if he couldn't play in the all state Champs he'd lose his scholarship but he "poo-pooed" the injury. you guys. i can't do it w this dialogue that is TERRIBLE - he also had SAT answers in there and I wonder if that's what Hal vs the essay from the game - I wonder why they changed that? it's interesting figuring out all the differences - desperate to know what he has on Connie tho !!!! - Brenda Carlton catches her committing a felony! idk who this lady is - OK investigative reporter girlie and nancy should team up and have an enemies to lovers arc forget Ned forget daryl idc - nancy is VERY murdery in this book between wanting to push Jake down the stairs and going "she promised herself one day she was gonna close that reporters notebook for good" like this is not the same girl detective that only blocked moves and never went on offense at the end of DAN - video lab has been trashed (hey maybe you should've investigated it before and not gone for a death ride w daryl instead !!!) - magically, the one not-trashed area has Jake's evidence tape - walt "hunk" hogan doesn't seem to be using steroids he's just badly injured and hiding it for the sake of his scholarship :( - this just seems messed up that he could lose it over an injury and is maybe doing worse damage to his body as a result - someone is hiding in the supply room of the video lab 😱 luckily she was smart this time and ran instead of confronting them - OK nvm door won't open and she hears footsteps behind her, confrontation imminent but also I feel like it'll just be daryl or smth and he saw her running but wasn't the one in the video lab

[cooloddball]

Someone submitted something in my inbox and they wanted to remain anonymous. Since this is an extremely long essay, I will put it under the cut. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

xxx submitted: hey, i was the one who ask what do you think of Misha and Jensen's current relationship First off all thank you for your answear it means much to me cause im easy to be convice and this person who keep telling me that they are no longer friends can be so convicing, so I'm actully trying to forget what she said 😅 so I'm just writing a few. she said that since they no longer work together, they will forget about each other, and do their common things like the gay jokes, face touches ect. With other people, and neglect each other, don't talk to each other, and then meet new people who will replace the other. And and she talked about the gish thing, she said she sure they didn't talk since the end of the series, because Jensen didn't know where Misha was and Misha didn't know about the Radio Company vol 2 (but i saw people say that, they were just pretending, because Misha liked something about Radio Company Vol 2, before the gish live, so in theory he already knew then or something like that) and She said Misha wrote a poem about Darius not Jensen and now I will write down what she sent me : I saw a post about Jensen's current activities on social media, and I've come to the conclusion the only person he doesn't interact with is mish. Sadly this makes my break up theory even stronger. I feel like this is a goodbye to one of the biggest parts of my life. They've moved on from "uk what I haven't told you today? That i love u"+ from "miss my only jensen" from "i love u misha i mean it from the bottom of my heart" from "jensen has no flaws" from "misha is the funniest thing ever happened to me" from all that love and affection from everything they developed together and now they're apart leaving their lives like nothing happened and call me a dramatic but they both have the same energy now as someone has after a big break up. and Jensen comments on almost every of his friend’s post except Misha’s"+ Jenmish is genuinely the best thing that has ever happened in my entire life. I owe them literally everything. They're the reason i hold on. Unfortunately on this essay i have to start using past tense verbs for them, and i have to continue on that. I don't know for how long y'all been in spn fandom. But even if u joined one year before the show ended you'd know how close and intimate jensen and misha were. Everything about them was unmatched.+ The chemistry and how they just fit eachother. They had always been all over eachother. Like they were holding on eachother for dear life. They completed eachother and were like world's most powerful thing. They were the definition of soulmatism. No matter where, they ALWAYS kept interacting with eachother. Each possible tweet or insta post. On cons that the other wasn't there, the other one would bring up the othere's name for no absolute reason. +The looks and repeated love confessions. How invested they were both into eachother. The family they had built together cuz we know how close dee and mish are (look all the charity work they've been doing together recently). There are youtube videos to proof everything I've said so far.When i say break up, my real intention is that they've grown apart. Everything started in the the third or forth month of pandemic. Before than jensen used to interact +(comment mostly) on almost all of misha's posts. But after a while everything just stopped. At first personally didn't care that much. Bcuz I believed too much in them that I thought not even the gods above could separate them. I told myself maybe they spend long hours chatting or video calling and that's why online public interactions are gone. But as it passed it almost diminished to zero. Except some likes from jackles and eventual ones from misha there weren't anything else.+ We got absolutely no content and the show went off too. We were helpless and were sticking to everything we had Dee had a big social media shot down, so as jensen. Misha was busy with the election. We got some interviews for it with all of them. But we didn't get much.except remember both of them pulling a bff

move. and texted eachother during an online con where everyone else were dead-serious about politics? That flickered something in me. That showed me that+ they can't ever possibly let eachother go. And the times everyone else were talking and these too would just talk random things together (the one jackels had a white hat on with stacy abraham).And then Misha posted that for jensen's bday We really overlooked it. That shit was too intimate. To close. Fav march baby? U just don't go around and called ur bestie baby and when u mean it deeply. Especially not when ur friend is jensen ackles the "I suffered form internalized homophobia my whole life+ but fuck my wife's an angel and i have an angel bf too and another angel which is his wife but I'd rather die than come out cuz my asshole dad pulled a John winchester on me". It doesn't work like that. But uk how mish is. Carefree and open. I believe they got into a fight bcuz of this. He didn't even like the post. AND that was when the tiny bit of interactions we had was gone too. For a while jensen didn't even liked his posts. After a month it started again.What made me finally believe in that they had grown too+ far: I still remember the night misha posted that he and jensen were going to have a con for gish together. I remember how hard I cried. Lile the whole world was given to me. But deep down in my heart I knew that something would definitely happen. It didn't sit right with me and unfortunately my senses never lie to me. Jensen showed up at the wrong time bcuz of misunderstanding the time zones (this was HILARIOUS). That's not even my point.+ I've seen that interview 3 times so far. It always reminds me of when i saw my ex at a party and we were both so thrilled to see eachother and we still loved the other dearly, but we just couldn't work it out. Jensen and Misha's expressions were EXACTLY the same. The genuine smiles and longs pauses were they just stared at eachother. I'm so happy that it was online cuz if they actually gave that looks to eachother standing right next to the other one I would've collapsed. Misha didn't know that jensen's album+ was out. And he got so embarrassed when he found it out. He didn't know that jensen was on set and hadn't been home for 8weeks. Jensen had no idea where misha was. And this means that they hadn't talked in a long long time.When you're that close with someone for more than a decade, i mean THAT close, even if u're separated from eachother you'd at least check on the once a week, or at least once in two weeks. But it was vividly clear that they hadn't. I hate how this world works. They would always be in my heart.+ I would be thankful from them for everything. It hurts, and it won't stop and im so sure I'd be carrying this pain for a long time. They mean too much to a lot of us. Sometimes I think to myself that god i love them so much. Remember in 2019 when we used to get SO many jenmishdee interactions? That was LIT. It was THEE year for us. I hope they're doing good. I really do. I hope we don't get more proofs and I won't have to update this thread. Cuz my heart won't be taking it very+ well.Something i gotta add U may say that Jensen's busy and that's why he doesn't comment. But he comments on a lot of jared and his new costar's posts. So that's no excuse. So yeah that's it. I don't know what am I supposed to think. english isn't my native language, so sorry for the mistakes

Here is my response:

I don't know who this person who has been talking to is but I have to say they seem to be project their previous relationship experience on cockles.

I believe Jensen and Misha are okay and are together. Social media likes and comments don't mean anything. I mean it's not like Jensen or Misha used to comment on each other's posts before. Jensen didn't even wish Dee Happy Mother's Day this year, does that mean they are not together anymore? Nope. He has other best friends he has known for over 20 years like Jason Manns, Steve Carlson etc that he doesn't wish happy birthday, does that mean they are not friends anymore.

Please let's not put value on social media likes. I don't even follow my own family on sm and I don't always like or comment on my bf's or bff's posts on sm. So it doesn't mean anything.

As for the Gish Panel, I have talked about it before, the time Jensen was slotted to attend the panel, he was meant to answer fan questions. I honestly believe they decided to not do it at that time because they knew the questions would be about Destiel and not their new projects. If you watched that panel, Misha knew that Jensen's album was out as I pointed out. He was just trying to promote the album and soldier boy. He knew Jensen had also buffed out. It was all to promote Jensen. Anything else you hear is trolls and antis just being loud. Also don't forget Jensen called him "babe".

If Jensen and Misha weren't okay, he wouldn't have attended or participated all those panels Misha organized especially for Gish. Danneel also posts a lot about RA and likes Misha's posts. I am 100% Misha visited the Ackles when he went to Colorado last month.

Stop listening to trolls and/or antis or just people who are projecting and look at facts.

[iridescentides]

hello again dia!!! i hope you've been having a good weekend 💙 i know that you love austin & ally and i wanted to know what are some of your favorite episodes/moments/characters? i've never watched the show myself so maybe your love for it will rub of and finally convince me 😋 - gcwca secret santa 🎅🎁🎄

AHHHHHH HI thank you for asking! this show is literally so special to me. 

i accidentally wrote a very long response so its under the cut:

i wanna start off by saying that the characters are why i love it the most. austin and ally is my number one comfort show, and specifically dez, trish, and austin are my comfort characters. not saying that i dont like ally; shes nice and obviously very essential to the loving group dynamic but the other three are so fun and wacky and interesting and just some of my favorite characters of all time.

i think at the heart of it my favorite thing about the show is the love. its all good vibes and none of the emergencies are really that deep, and the main four just care about each other so much and show it in so many ways!!! i love their whole friend group dynamic bc when one of them has a problem, they all work together to solve it. and each dyad has their own little relationship thats special in its own way. they hang out at the mall 24/7 (which is a DREAM scenario bc the mall is my favorite place to be) and just have adventures together and learn about each other.

my absolute favorite episode is s03e19, beauties and bullies, bc its all about trish. there are a few trish-centric episodes in the show, and everyone gets their spotlight at one point or another, but this is one of the only episodes that allows her to be open with her emotions. shes the toughest one in the group, always loud and brave and explosive, but in this episode she is the one that needs help, support, and comfort. i love the consistency in her characterization in this episode bc she is so reluctant to be on the receiving end of this support, and she even convinces her friends shes fine at first. and even though its not a role they typically play for her bc shes so good at defending herself, the group quickly springs into action to protect her, to care for her, to help her through it bc they know that thats their job as her closest friends. it literally makes me cry every time. plus i love that its ultimately dez who figures out who the bully is bc even though hes generally seen as dumb and imperceptive, it shows that he seriously cares about trish and is able to pick up on details when it comes to helping her, or any of his friends for that matter.

my favorite season is s4 bc of the tangible growth and change we see in everyone, but especially austin. season 4 really just shows how much they have all impacted each other, and how no matter what happens, they will always be in each others lives. in this season we see them take on a more serious and practical goal together, opening up their own music school. each of them takes on a role that plays to their strengths, and i absolutely love the teamwork. one of the overarching themes of the season is role modeling, and it makes me extremely emotional to see each of them channel their passion into helping kids pursue similar goals. the season is great in so many ways.

but season 4 austin moon is by far the best austin moon. at the beginning of the show he was a goofy kid who dreamed about being famous and pursued the goal very selfishly, even stealing allys song in the first episode and becoming an overnight internet sensation off of it. he was always loving, enthusiastic, sweet, and charming, but throughout the series we see him learn how to be a friend and how to care for other people. in the beginning, being a star is all that matters to him, and we watch ally very patiently, but skillfully, set an example for him of respecting other peoples time, effort, and attention. my favorite thing about austin is that he always has the best intentions at heart, and when he messes something up, he puts in genuine care to fix it in a meaningful way. lots of tv protagonists cause problems and then “fix” them halfheartedly and we just forgive them bc we have to and we move on with the show. but austin consistently learns and grows and keeps doing better for the people he cares about most, he comes through for them at the most unexpected times, and he picks them up when theyre down. even as he gets more famous and successful, his friends continue to come first. (i dont want to spoil too much plot wise, but) at the beginning of season 4 austin is unable to perform publicly, and it really hurts and breaks him bc performing is his favorite thing to do; his dream has always been to be a pop star. so when the music school opens in s4 we see him actively, selflessly, channel all of his passion for the thing he loves most, and give it to kids in a meaningful and special way. he has grown from a well-intentioned but self-absorbed teenager into a very caring and kind young adult who makes a difference in the lives of other people. he struggles with his identity and defining himself without his dream, but quickly gets to work making an active positive impact on those around him.

my all time favorite moment of the show, even though its super small, is dez’s solo in the song at the end of s03e06, glee clubs and glory. dez is the most routinely overlooked member of the group bc hes so goofy and quirky. he says a million things that dont make any sense, and he is definitely the comic relief character. however, the reason i love him (and why im like 80% sure hes my actual favorite of the four of them, even though its so hard for me to decide officially) is because despite all the little jokes and jabs at his expense, despite the goofiness that keeps others from taking him seriously, despite being knocked down so many times, he never stops dreaming. he literally never gives up. he has so much passion and enthusiasm inside of him, and he is overflowing with love and affection for his friends. he loves making videos but also pursues a billion different little hobbies. he has sooo many hidden talents, and thats something i was pointing out to my gf when i first showed her the show; dez is so incredibly capable and skilled, but so humble about it. he does things not for an end goal, but for the joy of participating, and when he doesnt get all the spotlight or attention, thats okay with him bc he had such a good time anyway. so in this episode, glee clubs and glory, after being passed up for the glee club over and over again, then letting his enthusiasm get the best of him as captain, and then being dethroned at the end of it all, he is still so happy to get his little moment in the end because hes truly a team player. its nice to see him shine. heres a link to the performance and the part im talking about is at 1:30. 

OKAY i am gonna stop there bc theres a million little things that i love about the show but i already wrote you an essay. i guess the last thing i wanna say is that every single austin moon song fucking slaps. my favorite is probably the main title theme song (can’t do it without you) bc not only is it the ultimate BOP but they also reference it periodically throughout the show to acknowledge that they are all successful because of each other, and the friendship as a whole makes each of them stronger than they are individually. my other faves from the show are a billion hits, steal your heart, stuck on you, and chasin’ the beat of my heart.

(okay i lied i have ONE more final closing thought! i dont really love the romantic pairing of austin/ally, i like them better platonically. not saying that they make a bad couple by any means. but i just hate the trope that the main girl/boy HAVE to get together so as a concept it bugs me. but i lowkey ship trish/dez a little bit.)

TLDR; the characters are literally all my favorite for different reasons, and the best thing about the show to me is their group dynamic and the ways that they consistently show love and care for each other.

[bladengineer]

Bladebreakers: College Edition

anyone who’s already read my fics knows exactly what i’m about, so lets get straight to business about the college headcanons im about to slap yall with

also all under the cut bc this went way too long lmfao Hilary and Kenny should follow shortly bc it got really long and im just. oops

Kai is the first to go which is like. logical considering he’s the oldest and most driven out of all of them

not to mention he had the entirety of Hiwatari Corp. about to be put into his name as soon as he reached 18 and he’s just like aw man here we go

to be honest? he’s not keen on taking over the company, never has been (excluding the time where he felt obligated to under his grandfather’s influence) and the thought of actually having too just kinda. embitters him

so he gets himself sucked into the whole Business classes to get himself the necessary qualifications – and despite being bitter, he doesn’t half-ass shit so he studies on the regular

it isn't until Max wrangles him into finally giving his own interests a go and he changes his path to a History Major with a Minor in Business

he is so much happier

History, specifically Ancient History, had always been an avid interest in Kai’s books so he basically dives into his new studies with his own brand of stoic enthusiasm

its also the sole reason why he’s been amassing so many books in his personal collection at home, Hilary had implored him to buy bigger shelves after Max nearly broke his neck tripping over a loose pile

Kai likes to study alone, preferably in his private study (Tyson keeps making fun of him for having a private study at the age of 18, what are you, a grandpa? damn rich kid lmao) with soft instrumental music playing – he’s especially fond of rainy ambience music

of course, Kai is often seated at the back of the classes, but is indisputably one of the best students with very insightful and well-researched essays, naturally, most of his professors adore him

except a select few traditional-minded professors – they’re still bitter that Kai stood his ground when they had overlooked Cleopatra’s history and reduced her to the Ancient Sex Symbol and Kai was ready to cut a bitch at the blatant disrespect towards an Ancient Political Mastermind

the majority in his class has a fat crush on him but thats nothing new

Max, for a long time, had a bit of a dilemma as his parents urge him to start choosing his preferred path; was it going to be Engineering like his Mother or Mechanics like his Father, and honestly? the poor boy was so torn

in the end, he confessed he wanted to do neither – he loved Beyblade but it wasn’t something he wanted to dedicate his life to forever

instead, his heart had always belonged to the ocean and he dreams of being a Marine Biologist

his father was very supportive, while Judy had her doubts so it took a little convincing – in the end, her son’s joy was more important to her and she too gave her blessing for him to pursue his dream

Max goes on to major Zoology, directed towards marine animals, and takes up a minor in Engineering because hey, it pretty much runs in his family and it stayed an avid interest of his

his university wasn’t too far of from Kai’s own, so sometimes when he stays over at Kai’s he gets a free ride to class

he returns the gesture by always providing the best butter croissants for breakfast (they’re still warm too!)

Max usually studies in the campus library, noise-cancelling headphones on, bopping silently to whatever music he’s listening to as he reviews his notes for the next exam

he researches a lot for his topics and has collected so much trivia about the ocean and its inhabitants in general

Max: did you know jellyfishes have no brain? Kai: Max don’t bully Tyson Tyson: excuse me?

the professors love Max tbh, he’s always fully engaged within class so they usually let him get away with things mainly bc he’s just their Favourite

pretty sure half of the university knows of Max in some way or another, being a social butterfly and all and maybe having flooded the campus once by accident

Ray also had a hard time deciding what to do and what to study; being from a rural village with traditions certainly made him question wether he should pursue a modern career or stay within his community

the White Tigers were quick to kick his ass over it however, booting him straight to Kai’s doorstep and telling him to do what he feels was right for him

now, he’s managed to get himself applied to one of the prestigious university for culinary arts – he’s not too sure yet which path he wants to take in terms of culinary skill

he loves cooking and working in a kitchen, however after many work experiences he has found that working at the command of someone else wasn't exactly to his tastes, not to mention, he’d like to dabble in more traditional culinary arts

as of now, Ray particularly enjoys the sweeter side of cooking, preferring to create intricate pastries and confectionaries, often stemming from his chinese roots but also applying his skill within the japanese side of things

his homemade mooncakes are honestly to die for

next to his obvious passion for cooking, he’s also taken up classes in horticulture, mainly bc he’d love to grow his own ingredients and create his own sets of spices and various artisan products

since his career path is very labour focused, he often practices at home and takes inspiration from various chefs all around the world. his bookshelves are full of recipe books and general insightful cookbooks

Max had suggested to him to make videos of his dishes, mainly for self-improvement, but also being able to put them online to start a crowd interest for his work

its going pretty well actually, his videos have become quite popular since they are aesthetically pleasing, the food looks tasty as hell and also a wide crowd of older people have voiced their joy in seeing more traditional confectionary being made

his friends secretly love their birthdays nowadays bc without fail, Ray always gifts them homemade foods, from neat boxes of handcrafted chocolates to cute jars of sweet jams

he knows, he always takes time to create flavours he knows they will appreciate

Tyson, surprisingly, knew exactly what he wanted to do, and it wasn’t anything to do with Beyblade

Hilary: WHAT ARE YOU SICK Tyson: i- no? i just– Ray: hold on maybe he’s running a fever Tyson: would yOU GUYS JUST LISTEN–

look, he loves Beyblade, it’s something he’ll treasure all his life, something he’ll still pursue in the future, but

it won’t be what he wants to do full time

instead, he majors in Anthropology in order to pave his way into Archeology and everyone is so proud they start crying

next to his Major, he also minors in Business, mainly due to his longstanding position within the BBA, with whom he stays as a particular poster boy and star

next to his work with the BBA, he occasionally helps out in the Dojo and everyone kinda realises? that this guy is literally holding down two (2) whole jobs while also studying and if that isn't hardcore my dudes i don’t know

then again, he’s grown a lot and his interest in his father’s career had always accompanied him since he was a kid – however, his studying habits are still all kinds of atrocious and the only reason why he can even halfway ace his exams is bc he refuses to go down quietly, actually is really critical and analytical is he puts his head into it, and the fact that he employs Hilary to stand vigil with a rolled up magazine to smack him back into focus should he slack off

otherwise, he’s friends with most people in his class and regularly exchanges notes with them and even has become a favourite with a select few of his professors

most just find him exhausting but can’t refute his elaborate essays, which are both thoughtful as eyebrow raising

he attends the same university as Kai (much to his chagrin) and they stick together just as much as they bicker (one-sidedly) just like old times – however, they are both ancient history buffs and its one of the very few topics that they can be heard talking about in actual peace without Tyson going apeshit when Kai loses interest in the conversation

Tyson and Kai are also those college students who pull ridiculous all nighters to study

Max once got so nervous for an exam he made a terrifying concoction of Red Bull and Instant Coffee to stay up and study

he aced the exam but he cannot for the life of him remember what he did in those 24hours bc as soon as he went home he crashed for nearly 32hours straight

Tyson and Ray who were present at the time refuse to speak about it and when asked about it, they kinda just. disassociate for a minute at the sheer horror they had witnessed

Kai rarely ever communicates with classmates yet somehow gets always invited to all the frat parties

who are those people? he doesn’t know

[dynamic-instability]

In one of my classes we have to write weekly personal narratives about an experience with illness. This week, mine turned into this. It’s probably too personal, and too... immediate?? to turn in to a professor without cutting out a lot of stuff, but not too personal to post online I guess lol

_____________________________

It’s November again.

In 2009 the lights were too bright. Mid-October one morning I woke up to my dad turning on my lights and it was like having to look into the sun while posing for a photo—my eyes wouldn’t stay open, if I forced them to, they couldn’t stay pointed in one direction, they spasmed and hurt. When the light was dimmed, I still saw double. That morning, I showered in the dark, and I remember being scared. They gave me eyedrops that paralyzed my accommodative muscles. In November my pupils were giant discs and I wore reading glasses over sunglasses to look at the computer, and when it was all said and done, the lights were still too bright, and I still saw double.

In 2011 I was tired. There’s fatigue and then there’s fatigue, I learned that Fall. In May of that year I had pulled two all-nighters in a week, and that was the only other time I’d felt this kind of tired, a sensation in about the 30th hour of the second time where it’s like my brain itched. I once saw someone else online describe it as “nausea, but in your head and eyes instead of in your throat and stomach” and that’s the closest anyone else has come to describing it. By November this was happening more and more often. I remember laying down in the corner of the room during a break of Citywide choir and thinking what the hell is wrong with me? I got a cold the next week, and I thought that maybe that was all it was. It wasn’t.

In 2013 I went to the ER for the fifth time in three months of college, and when I wanted to leave before waiting another couple of hours to eventually see a doctor who would tell me once again that they couldn’t do anything to help me, the woman from student life who was there to drive me back to campus made me call my parents on speaker phone and get their permission to leave before she would turn on the car. I had missed more chemistry labs than I could afford to miss without failing, passed out in a voice lesson, was asked by the director to drop out of choir because watching me was distraction when I looked like I was in pain, and if I passed out it would have ruined the concert for everyone. I remember leaving calculus in the mornings mid-class to go to the bathroom and lay on the floor and cry. I remember not being able to lift my hand off the mattress of my dorm room bed. I withdrew from half of my classes on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, and took the Spring semester off.

In 2014 I had made a promise to myself that I would come back to college full time for that Fall semester just to see if I could do it, and then if I couldn’t I would drop out for good. There was one week where I thought that might be happening. Mid-November. The girls in my dorm had made a fort in the lounge out of sheets and blankets and colorful scarves and I remember laying on the couch through the green-filtered light and feeling the world spin and thinking oh god I still can’t do this. The door opened with a rush of cold air and my friends came in with food for me, since I’d been too sick to go to dinner. They sat with me and helped me with chemistry, offered to type up a paper if I dictated it, told jokes and made me laugh. I took an incomplete in one class, but I passed everything else, just barely scraped through, and came back in January.

In 2015 I just wanted to sleep. I passed out in an elevator and heard familiar voices, concerned voices, as I came to, and I stayed there laying motionless for another minute longer, because as long as I wasn’t awake I didn’t have to keep pushing. I wrote whole pages of completely unreadable ochem notes because my hand wasn’t working any better than my brain, and woke up on the floor and was wheeled out on a stretcher crying. It was dark all the time. My cane slipped on wet leaves and I felt my wrist crunch and there it was, one too many missed organic chemistry labs. I couldn’t stand for an entire choir rehearsal because breathing to sing made me lightheaded. I slept for 16 hours a day. The week before Thanksgiving, I called my mother to tell her I had decided to take another hardship withdrawal, and she sighed. I had applied to transfer schools during my much more optimistic Spring semester and Summer, and the week I left was also the week I found out I’d been accepted.

And so okay now it’s 2019, and it’s October and now November again, semester plan again, dark again. My reading is piling up again, feeling overwhelmed again, laying on my kitchen floor again. But here’s the thing—my health is… fine? Midterm week I didn’t sleep, and yes I passed out twice, but no ER. For the past 18 months, I can count on one hand the number of mornings I’ve been unable to get out of bed because of fatigue. My heart still pounds too hard but my head doesn’t swim every time I sit up. I walk the streets of New York City like mobility has never been a problem. I always take the stairs. My brain doesn’t itch until it’s been 30 hours no sleep.

I couldn’t go to class last week. I lay on the floor of my kitchen and stared up at the ceiling and tried to get up, tried to type out an email to my professors, and I couldn’t do it. I was not too tired. I was not too weak. I was not in pain. I could not move. I try to write and try to write and try to write and the words don’t come. I eat instant oatmeal at 9 PM because I haven’t been to the store in a month. I have lost nearly 15 pounds since moving to New York. I clean the stove for two and a half hours but can’t bring myself to take the dead spider off the side of the bathtub. I check the door lock one-two-three times, pace the floor, sit back down. I do not read Austerlitz. I write a Canvas post for Self and Other but it’s nonsense. I do not write a Canvas post for Accounts of Self. I do not write a Canvas post for Applied Writing. I write a Canvas post for Illness and Disability and somehow forget to post it, the one thing I’ve actually done, because I’m too busy feeling sick at everything I haven’t. I shadow a doctor for the clinical witnessing assignment and everything is fine but when I try to write it up I have a panic attack that leaves me sobbing on my couch and the assignment nine days late and counting. It takes me eight hours to write two pages. I watch 18 hours of YouTube video essays discussing drama about creators I don’t even watch and play a stupid game on my phone for an entire weekend until I’ve spent $25+ in a labyrinth of microtransations and every time I close my eyes I see the moving dots.

In November of 2015 I had three overdue essays for Global Literature, and two more due in the next two weeks. More than half were on books I had not read. My pre-lab wasn’t done for organic chemistry, and I wondered for a moment, if I pretended to pass out, if that would be easier. I stayed up until 4 AM laying on my floor and listening to Hamilton. I was sick, that much is true, but when I felt okay I still sat at my computer and could not bring myself to write.

In 2011 I had so many unfinished assignments for my college-level English class that I resigned myself to failing and I went to school the morning of the final class, but I hid in the stairwell by the choir room until I heard the bell, and I never went back to that class.

2009 was the year my dad stopped being able to yell at me for not doing my homework, because no one, including me, could tell whether it was actually my eyes stopping me.

In 2008 I wrote 6 essays in the 5 days of Thanksgiving break because I had not done any work for Intro to Lit all semester. I pulled it off, somehow, even aced the class because of an unusually lenient late work policy, but what I most remember is the sick feeling of dread as I lay on the floor in the living room staring up at the Christmas tree and feeling invisible sand slip through an invisible hourglass and a vice tightening in my chest.

In 2006 I stayed up almost all night writing a paper and crying my eyes out because I couldn’t find the words to explain to anyone why it had been so impossible for me to get the work done, that I wasn’t being lazy or distracted, I just couldn’t do it. I wasn’t necessarily reading YA novels or watching TV or IMing my friends instead of working, I could sit and stare at a blank word document for 6 hours straight and still it would not get done. Everyone talked about potential, talked about how smart I was, but a gradebook that is half 100’s and half 0’s still averages out to an F. No one, including me, could explain the discrepancy. The logic of that simple math was not lost on me, the knowledge that turning in half-finished or not very good work was mathematically better than not doing it, but that didn’t mean I could do it. Words failed me when I tried to explain the illogic of my particular suffering.

I didn’t hear the term executive dysfunction until I was in my 20s. In retrospect I was tentatively told at 16 that I had “probably some ADHD and OCD”, but that psychiatrist was someone I’d been sent to by a neurologist because he thought she could fix my eyes, and when she said she couldn’t, I stopped making appointments. After I got sick, physically sick, the lines blurred between what was causing what, to the point where even I have no idea. Two of the Novembers missing here are ones I spent at CC, on the block plan where I only took one class at a time. My physical health arguably improved a little after transferring in January of 2016, but mostly it didn’t, not until Spring of 2018 at least. And you can see that evidence in dropped blocks, concussions from passing out onto hard surfaces, a couple of incompletes taken when viral illnesses (or concussions) compounded my other problems. What the block plan changed was the way things pile up, lessened the struggle of constant task switching between classes. (Admittedly, I also had fewer papers when taking mostly science classes. Writing takes much more energy, and it’s much harder to convince myself it doesn’t have to be perfect to be worth submitting.) At CC nothing ever really reached the level of catastrophe. Some of that is purely the ability to drop a single block, meaning when it was my physical health that was the problem, I didn’t lose a whole semester, just one class, then reset. But I should have realized sooner that the block plan wouldn’t account for the level of improvement if my physical health had really been the only barrier.

So we’re back to now. Grad school. November again. Dark again. Semester plan again. Too much writing again. Crushing dread again. Dysfunction again. Panic attack in the middle of the night increasingly elaborate organizing rituals scream of the subway tracks in my mind can’t stop can’t start can’t breathe can’t move burnout again. This time without the explanation of chronic fatigue to fall back on.

I have my tricks, have actually learned somewhat to cope in the past 18 years. Schedules help, break tasks into pieces that are as small as possible. Mindfulness meditation. Forgive yourself when it’s not perfect. Get started with something easy, set a timer for 20 minutes and only work for those 20 minutes and then let yourself stop if you want to (and surprisingly often, you won’t want to, sometimes that momentum is all it takes). If you work better in the night, work in the night, who cares what society says your sleep schedule should be. When switching tasks, physically get up and move to a different location. Allow yourself to procrastinate on work with other work if that’s what you have to do. Delete the stupid games from your phone. One or two missed assignments are not actually the end of the world, if you let yourself view it as piling up, you won’t be able to get anything done, so if you absolutely have to, just move through and move on.

It’s not a catastrophe, this November. It’s a fight, but it’s not a catastrophe. I read Austerlitz and forgive myself for skimming it. I write a Canvas post and forgive myself when it’s only 500 words and doesn’t make complete sense. I read Toni Morrison and Édouard Louis and classmates’ discussion posts about Deaf culture and identity and remember why this matters in the first place, that it’s not just a series of assignments to overwhelm me, it’s a series of interesting complicated exhausting important thoughts and questions. I get it done. Some of it. Most of it. I let myself sleep. I breathe. I remember to be grateful because I can get out of bed in the mornings and take the stairs. I am okay.

[valyrfia]

hey friend! fello eurovision shitposter here :) first of all I want to say that im so glad to have finally found someone whos as convinced as i am that bulgaria should win this year! I had another question for you: so you post a lot of marvel as well and a lot of stony so i stalked your blog and im confused because you said you started to ship them more after civil war? idk im a huge stucky shipper and steve and bucky just seem to have the better dynamic no offense intended i just want yourview

BULGARIA. THEY’RE AMAZING RIGHT? I’m honestly almost more in love with this song that I was with Beautiful Mess last year (that’s a lie I still cry that my boy Kris didn’t win but I also adore Amar Pelos Dois so I’m not mad). Now with the footage of their AMAZING live performance at the London pre-party, I’m almost fully convinced that they are gonna clinch the top spot this year. I mean, imagine Bones with the camera work and lighting of Eurovision and the atmosphere of the arena. It’s going to be incredible I’m so excited. 

Moving on from my trash talk: why I ship stevetony and not stucky? Whoo boy this is gonna take an essay to answer, and it’s going to be difficult  a. because I can never remember all the reasons why I do ship stevetony (I always end up missing one lol) and b. because stucky shippers are…enthusiastic, for the lack of a better word. I love them, I respect a lot of them and I’m friends with people who ship it. But fandom is a tricky business. Stevebucky never did it for me as a ship. The explanation is long and complicated but it can be boiled down to a distinct idea: For me, adding a romantic element to Steve and Tony’s dynamic makes their interactions much more interesting and intriguing, while adding a romantic element to Steve and Bucky’s dynamic would almost subtract something quintessential from both of those characters. 

Friendships to me are almost more impactful on a person’s life than romantic relationships, god knows where I would be without my friends today. There’s a tendency in the media to push the obligation that the most important person in your life has to be your significant other. I hate that, frankly. Steve and Bucky love each other more than anybody else in the world, and for me, that’s beautiful. I guess I just never did understand the romantic connotations that people attached to what seemed to me, seemed to be a fully functioning, complete and beautiful relationship. 

Steve and Tony’s relationship however, you always feel like you’re missing some part of the story when you observe their interactions. From their respective monologues to each other, The Confession and The Oath to their familiar joking with each other right before everything goes to shit at the base in Siberia in CA:CW. You feel like you’re missing some part of their story. I, (it seems along with Jonathan Hickman, RDJ and Chris Evans) like to headcanon that this missing piece is a romantic plotline, but you can interpret it however you want. That’s the beauty of fictional works. It’s not the cold, hard canon that matters, but your interpretation of it. My experience is different from yours and to me that’s beautiful.

An essay is available below the cut, if you’re interested in how I actually stopped shipping stucky and started shipping stevetony (an origin story if you will.)

In my introduction to Marvel, a couple of years ago, I did initially read Steve/Bucky fics more than any other pairing, but incidentally it was a Steve/Bucky fic that made me start reading Steve/Tony ones (oops I guess?) The Man on the Bridge by boopboop on AO3 was the one that got me invested in the Steve/Tony dynamic, it was the fic with the highest kudos on AO3 at the time that I was reading Stucky. It’s a really great fic 11/10 definitely worth the read (I think you need an AO3 account though) but what kept me going wasn’t the ship I was supposed to be reading it for, it was the dynamic between Steve and Tony. For example: you get great scenes like Steve and Tony bickering like an old married couple over coffee at least four times and banter like this out of nowhere: 

““I sent flowers?” Tony asks, trying like hell to play it cool. He gives her a desperate look that she ignores by default.

“Tony picked them,” Pepper says, determined as ever to ruin Tony’s reputation.

“He did, did he?” Steve asks knowingly.

Pepper leads them all into the wide social space inside. “He spent a lot of time trying to find your favorites.”

It’s dark enough to hide the fact that Tony’s ears are a little pink, even when someone has as sharp a vision as Steve does. That doesn’t stop him wanting to crawl back into his suit and hide. “Really? Do we have to tell him that?”

“He might think you don’t like him if I don’t,” Pepper says with a knowing smile flashed in Steve’s direction.

“I don’t,” Tony says firmly. “I tolerate him. Barely.”

“Uh huh.” Steve chuckles, his smile growing warm. “Right. I get it.””

and lines like this

“We - Nat and I - figured Rogers would come to you for help once he and Bucky made it out of Florida.”

“You did?” Tony asks, stunned. He can think of a dozen people Steve would have picked over him, even with the resources Tony has at his disposal.

Barton looks at him like he’s an idiot. “Yes,” he says, simple as that.

“And that brings you here why?”

“Because neither of you idiots have a single shred of self preservation between you,” Barton says bluntly. “That’s why you’re good for each other.”

and general power couple stuff

She hardly looks a day older than she had appeared in the recording they saw before leaving for London - but Tony knows that file was dated 1991. Her sharp features are paired with dark eyes and unnaturally pale skin, offset by a razor sharp, almost masculine suit. “Mr Stark,” she inclines her head, “Captain Rogers.”

She had been given no other identification in the videos, other than being addressed by Lukin as ‘Synthia’. Since they don’t want to give away how much information they have, Tony tips his head to one side and asks, “Should I know you? Have we met?”

“We have not, Mr Stark. Captain Rogers and I do have a shared acquaintance, however.”

“Don’t you dare talk about him,” Steve growls, tense at Tony’s side. The fact that he hasn’t rushed forward and unleashed that brewing violence is something of a shock. He’s practically shaking with his rage, every muscle in his body tense and strained.

Tony puts one hand on Steve’s arm, steadying him. “Look lady, I don’t know who you are but I’m tired of games. What do you want with us?”

She tilts her head, “Why not the pleasure of your company? You are Iron Man and Captain America after all. An unstoppable force. The two greatest superheroes of our time.”

even the goddamn villains ship it I was supposed to go into this fic and not come out the other side shipping steve and tony come on

there’s a reason that this is the only non-stevetony fic i’ve read in three years goddamnit 

*clears throat*

But yeah that was the fic that got me interested in the possibilities surrounding the Steve/Tony dynamic. Then I started doing some research and came up with the canon content (like their respective love confessions in 616 and the actors fascination with the ship (shoot me I’m weak okay)), and it’s been a wild ride ever since. 

If you’re interested in seeing their dynamic in action through a romantic lens, may I suggest Disrepair by Tippet for MCU and  Belief Space by magicasen for 616. Neither have huge confessions of love or anything like that, Belief Space does have one kiss towards the end but the focus point is Steve and Tony’s dynamic during the incursion crisis in 616 and Steve’s POV remains largely platonic throughout the fic. Disrepair actually has no romantic connotations in it, as far as I remember, but it analyses the MCU dynamic in such a way that you start to see what I mean when I say that Steve and Tony’s relationship would be ten times more intriguing with a romantic element. Both fics are interesting character studies of both Steve and Tony and I would highly recommend reading them anyway. Also Belief Space is my favourite fic of all time, and does not get enough love goddamnit, so there’s that. 

Anyway, I’ll finish your lovely ask by giving you what is frankly my stevetony song for Infinity War and the only song I listen to nowadays. It’s my fave. What else would it be in the month before Eurovision? It’s Bones by EQUINOX. 

[atomicsurvivor-isleofskye]

Ep. 3 - “ Anyone who argues with me on Hanukkah is racist CONFIRMED  “ - Rebecka

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/168517002366/tribal-immunity-3-selfie-scavenger-hunt

IT WORKED!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who the hell had the extra vote and why the fuck would they vote for heather? clearly, like fishbach, they have no fucking idea how to use it. oh well

I voted Jake S. I am incredibly angry cause I feel like my whole alliance was shattered. I need to talk to more players, but I don't want to seem like I'm scrambling. I do feel like Jake S and me can work together now though. I don't know, I just hope that this challenge won't send us back to tribal or I will die of shock.

Even though we won by a mile in the last tribal I still feel worried about my performance when compared to others, I don’t want to be a challenge beast but I want to pull my wait, which is why I want to impress in this challenge

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1ppIUdlIWA

Why the fuck did I volunteer to do this when I have two finals coming up??  I just knew that the jakes probably wouldn't I guess. ugh. 

Well... Madison is gone. My plan went accordingly. She is livid at me though, so if she comes back from Redemption Island my game is #toast. I feel awful. I really enjoyed playing with her, and it was truly out of my hands by the time the plan took won’t. I wish she knew this, but oh well. For now, I am going to lay low and ensure there are bigger targets than me going forward. Olivia seems annoyed that I feel bad about the vote. Heather feels bad too. What a world.

I feel so tired but... back to the real game. Gotta move on with heads held high and win this challenge.

I'm glad I'm safe another day! Anyway this challenge is fun I hope I don't cause us to lose!

So I’ve talked with Tim and we’ve agreed to vote for Aundra if we go to tribal, but leak that we’re voting for August so he plays his idol.

Well it is almost four in the morning. I have just completed 2 out of 3 essays due in 12 hours. So..time for a confessional. Luke and I have our work cut out for us tomorrow. It seems at this point that the 5 of us who volunteered for this challenge are going to all participate and try, but AnnMarie and Trip may need a little more pushing. So tomorrow the three of us (Heather included) are going to be the best cheerleaders we can be (and the quarterbacks). Since Madison was the one mapping out the moors we have to try and attempt to take over her role and do the same. We also have to do some intense trust building and keep an eye on Trip. All of us want Trip gone so if we lose this challenge (knock on wood x 1,000,000) he will be the easy target. However he is elusive in his experiences with the moors so in case of an idol the five of us will have to unfortunately split the vote between AnnMarie and him, even though we want to work with her. It would be hard to should that happen, I imagine. I do not want to come off as any sort of leader or anyone calling the shots, so should we lose (the wood is broken at this point but I'm still knocking) I am going to try, with the aid of Luke, to let them propose the plan and take the helm of this one and make them think they're calling the shots. Just hoping at this point that we don't have to. I need to trust build with the Jakes, particularly Canada Jake, and with Heather. I don't think I'll be able to get her to trust me like she used to but I need for that to happen. I can feel her slipping away from me for some reason. So that's about it. On to essay three! Counting down the seconds until this semester is over and finals are done...

hello i have had 3 hours of sleep and luckily that is when i seem to think best! someone is obv gonna find where the cursed idol is (which btw i own) sooner or later so i thought i would go back there so i could find the message of what it says when you visit it after someones taken it, i then rephrased it to tim, who freaked! wooh! and now we're panicking about who has the ~second~ idol. he offered to make an alliance w stephen n i which shows hes close to stephen n trusts him, i also think he has an alliance w august bcos he originally tried to make one w him n me before august and i had beef so i need to watch out for that too. i'm glad i've gained trust from tim but unfortunately tim thinks ain has the cursed idol bcos ain mentioned going to the swamp (where the idol is) before. HOPEFULLY she can talk him out of it, n he can like blame august or something lol. that is today. from me. ps i lvoe ain. happy holidays!

So thankfully the challenge ends on Friday which means I can actually get Home to do it. Most of the videos I can’t do but I’ll try everything else. Finding loopholes in this is super fun. I was so glad Tim and Ain switched. Tim is soooo awkward. Also August is digging his own grave. Stephan is pretty great, Rebecca is always distracted with irl stuff which I don’t blame her for. I don’t even know everyone else. They’re so silent

A potential swamp idol is in play! Tara brought that to my attention that it had been found (If it is even an idol)! And we are losing our shitss. Ain doesnt have it, I dont, Tara doesn't! And here I thought i could relax since I didnt compete in immunity! Boy was I wrong!

I currently love Tara she is a great person and the only person I talk to in the game I would talk to people more but irl my life is in shambles and I don’t know if I’ll be able to to stay in the game much longer hopefully we continue to win challenges and if we do lose hopefully they won’t vote me if we do lose of course my second chance is getting ruined but we will see

Ever since Madison left, Trip has been out for blood and trying to find out who betrayed him. I feel sooo guilty about the whole situation, but its part of the game. I am trying my hardest in the challenge, but so many things are hard to find. I'll make way some how and hopefully end this losing streak we have.

So last tribal, I got a vote which is super scary and made my heart drop. I have no idea who wrote it, but I've been thinking about it and I think it is someone who was in on the Madison plan and had an extra vote, saying that there were 9 votes and not 8. First of all, my name was written in script on the parchment and only one other name was written in script and that had Madison's name on it. Then again I also suspect it wasn't anyone. I gave up an advantage because it could have interfered with the plan to get Madison out, but maybe giving up the advantage put a vote against me. I don't know, but I plan on finding out sooner rather than later.

Trip is stressing me the fuck out I can't take it. I just want to win this challenge so much, that's all.

Anyone who argues with me on Hanukkah is racist CONFIRMED

Well tribal went as planned! The 3 votes for me were from trip, Ann, and Madison, who ended up being voted out. The only issue is there are 8 people on the tribe and 9 votes being read... WHAT!?!? My hunch is someone got an extra vote. ORRRR someone on the other tribe voted for heather. Orrrr heather fucked up in the moors and automatically got a vote cast for her. Idk. But now I feel secure in my 5 person alliance and if we have to go to tribal again, trip or Ann will be leaving us.

it feels like im praying for a win here, it sucks to be on the sidelines but with how busy i am come closer to holidays it worked out, i dont wanna have a huge numbers disadvantage compared to Iolaire, outside of those thoughts, the fact the moors hasn't turned up much is kinda sad, nestle point has been worthless because i was beaten to the punch, well i guess im gonna explore the rocky area

I should have signed up but I wouldn’t have, catch my drift?

Omg I love Heather so much she actually recorded herself singing the song I did for the challenge and I literally cried. So glad we're together and I'm so glad my initial doubts proved to be false. What a sweetheart :')

Some parts of the challenge were embarrassing to do but I did it so yayyyy. I hope we win!

Btw Tara? is winning!

Well... we are on the final day for the immunity challenge. Heather, Olivia and I have been doing VERY well in it, and AnnMarie and Trip have been falling behind. I don’t blame AnnMarie because no one else was stepping forward for the last spot, so she elected to. Trip, however, signed up without telling anyone and has done the least. 

From what I have heard, Trip has also been trying to pin the strange extra vote for Heather on me. I don’t know why he would single me out (aside from the fact that this is Trump’s America and I’m a gay) but he needs to stop before I #snap. I’m hoping the tribe doesn’t get big-move-itis and wanna get me out, so I’m hoping they stick to voting Trip if we lose. 

As for gameplay, I’m still close with Olivia and I am starting to warm up to Heather. I made fun of her in a video I made for the challenge, so hopefully she takes that as bait to talk to me 1 on 1.

Hey friends thirsty?? Here’s e some tea my bff Tara found the idol but it was gone somebody already found it she told the tribe andTim messaged her saying he thinks it was Rebecca who has the idol. Now I could use info to try to get numbers because I’m on a tribe of star war geeks and on the outs so if there’s a merge I’m going to need to be solid with some people so idk what to do cause if we lose they’re probably going to vote Rebecca.

The Saorsa tribe win immunity.

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/168590740101/tribal-immunity-3-results

I cant believe we lost tbh it's probably my fault! I don't want to be voted out yikes

So I was the worse out of all of us in getting things but that’s okay. I think it’s nice that we’re finally going to tribal since I do want to get rid of some people, preferably a male. Not that I have anything against them but the numbers are uneven and it’s annoying me. Or I could leave, who knows. I think I’ve been pretty annoying. However, a lot more people are never there so who knows.

Im literally so shook. I cant believe we lost. I thin we need to vote out an inactive.

My life is already a mess and to add to it my game is about to be a mess. So Tim wants me out and Tara and I are an double pack so when he told her she told me. But she came up with this plan that I pose as a girl and work in this all girl alliance so that way we can have the votes and vote Tim. The only problem is I’m a guy and this thing could flip on me

I hope we get one of the boys out!! Currently I'm gunning for Tim but I wouldn't mind if August leaves. Hopefully Rebecka is honest and wants to join us!

So Tim and the rest of the clone wars want me out because I’n “too quite” when I haven’t had WiFi all week and Even if I wanted too talk to them all they would do is make a small fake convo then talk about the game so idgaf what they think and really hope its one of them tomorrow and not me

So I just heard my name and I'm shook!! Apparently Vi wants to vote ME out over Aundra?!!? Vi sweetie this is our first tribal its too early to get me out!

Ok so theres a bit of scrambling about whether or not we should blindside August and potentially get their idol out or whether we should vote out Aundra for tribe strength. I hope a swap is coming soon though. Also Vi wanted me out because Im a threat but i convinced Stephen into talking her out of I by telling her she's "playing too hard too fast". This first tribal is bout to get interestinggg.

So I laying down enjoying a nice Friday night when August comes at me talking code and what not and I’m sitting around trying to figure out what he’s saying and we’re speaking this secret spy language learning we both want the same person out and I just can’t wait for tribal cause this tribe is full of player and this is going to be WILD

Voting time, hopefully this is a rarity. Straight into it, tim has lead pretty much everyone I’ve talked to onto a vote for aundra. Aundra hopes to vote tim instead, which I think is impossible, but I’ll fuel that fire. Tim was talking to me, offhand I said I was talking to him and someone else and he spiked that “Who is the other person” these kind of questions are the worst. I could really do without them Also, jg and Stephen might be in a “tim is god” cult not sure yet Oh and amazingly and annoyingly infinity suggested randoming his vote.. ????

i kind of need to work on my patience. tim almost immediately mentioned aundras name as someone we could vote and it spread really quickly. aundra is someone i adore!!! so i knew i needed to fix it real quick n needed a way to rope in the votes to make sure aundra could stay. both me and ain have confused aundra for a girl in the past (sorry we love u aundra) and thought it could've been a mutual confusion for a lot of people. i thought if we used that confusion, and told rebecka that aundra was a girl, we could give the impression that the boys have an 'all boys alliance' and are targeting the girls. aundra was down to pretend to be a girl and rebecka bought our story! we were all set to vote august, as long as there were no other drama, but then stephen messaged me saying he wanted to plan a blindside on august!! um perfect?? so currently ain, me, stephen, tim, and rebecka are planning to vote august, whilst vi and aundra will split votes on tim, and i assume jg and august will probably vote aundra. if august does end up using an idol, i'm pretty sure vi and aundra can convince him and jg to flip on tim since tim straight up lied to them both. that means in a revote me, ain, vi, jg, and august will most likely be voting tim. wooh! but yeah! tim and stephen basically saved my butt and threw their own under the bus with their plan. i love!! ps ain is the best and i love her lots

Meant to do this earlier but it took ages to upload https://drive.google.com/open?id=1RO9jF4muRQ1-f8ldV4Jx4Q1HyIV-7vr6

So I’ve been thinking about risks, and how risky this blindside is, but how riskier the alternative is. Sticking with the alliance Ive made is a loyalty move, and one that could give me power and take power away from August. However there are two risks, either August plays his idol or a person flips and one of us goes, or it works, but I become a target for pulling it off. The other option isnt much better, I could go to August and work with him, but thats a traitor move and would betray people who I doubt would forgive me, and paint a target on my back that would feel very familiar. I think in the end I have to stick with loyalty, I need that reputation, and even if it all goes wrong I believe it would be Tara or Tim, or even Rebecka over me, but you never know, and it depends on which scenario plays out. This round is really intense, so many variables, I just have to hope I’ve situated myself so theres less scenarios that end with me going home. So to speak.

WE WON WE WON WE WON WE WON WE WON WE WON WE WON WE WON WE WON WE WON WE WON YES YES YES YES. I am so happy!!! I'm glad that I don't have to vote anyone off. I'm also glad that I am going to see what the other tribe is like, and the cracks that they have.

So this tribe keeps getting messier by the minute first I’m the target because when aren’t I. Then we say Tim’s going. Now they want to vote August because he might have the idol (which I think he might) which isn’t really a big deal in my opinion because it’s not. He wants to work with me and I want him saved but saving him could get me Thebes boot plus Tara and him have really bad blood Soviet idk what to do because if Tim has to stay i might go off

AYYYY WE WON. I could not sumbit some stuff for the hunt sadly but I did do a lot. AnnMarie was kind of useless.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/E3Va5mec2byaCMcS2 Me before this tribal

The plan to blindside August needs to come through! We're supposedly making him feel comfy so he doesn't play his idol and vote me out! That would be devestating.

All seriousness I have no clue how tonight's gonna go.  If what everyone is saying is true then august should be going, but I know there's an alliance that Tim, Stephen, and I'm unsure who else are a part of.  I've been talking to Tara and ain and we're going with the men's vote. Im also trying to make connections with people on both sides this time (a trick I learned from Ashvika shoutout to Ashvika) and hope it doesn't get me into too much trouble!

I haven't spoken in it, but I do have a girls only chat for future voting and alliance purposes, especially after Madison being voted off. I still trust lukas, and I want to work with Jake s, but I am not interested in working with trip. I don't like the vibe he gives off. I went to the Moors today, and saw a green thing at the cairn, which I think is a creature where you trade a part of yourself for magic, or something similar to that. I wonder what role it plays in the game haha. I'm so excited to see how the tribal for Iolaire goes, especially their confessions. I don't know any of them, so it'll be nice to see what they say, since I'm planning to getting to the merge. I can only hope and see what the future gives me.

Oh and also vi threw my name out there for being voted out and idk why  so I'm nervous about that but hoping I don't leave tonight!!!

I honestly won't be shocked if I'm blindsided tonight I have a bad feeling about this. Hopefully the vote is simple and we all vote Aundra out. Hopefully no power or idol comes into play or I'll be screwed. Time will tell where people stand cause it's a easy vote , I beki

I’m gullible af and I’m probably leaving so if this is my last confessional, good luck to my right hand woman Tara

Aundra says they are voting tim.. and everyone else is voting aundra. I’m voting tim just in case aundra does pull out an idol, no other reason why. Not telling anyone, including aundra

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/168623103951/tribal-council-3-iolaire

August is voted out 5-3-1-1. 

[thisnerdsadventures]

on house gov

3 years ago I decided I wanted to “volunteer” for CPW, so I texted my neighborhood friendly upperclassman and asked:

After that, I went to my first ever house meeting (there’s a picture of this floating around, I actually saw it for the first time the other day in Raul’s apartment) and met the two upperclassmen I would be CPW chair with. I didn’t know anyone, but they certainly seemed excited to see a frosh excited about house gov, so I was on board.

I had just turned 18, so I was a #useless adult at best, I mean I couldn’t even make a phone call much less plan an event by myself. Budgeting was foreign, talking to our president was terrifying, and everything was overall kinda overwhelming. But it was so much fun pulling it off, getting to see all the prefrosh run amok at your events, and being able to sit back and say “yeah, i planned some of that”

Over the next couple years, I did a bit of everything, I made swag for the dorm (2017 REX tees, whenever I see people wearing them I smile a little), I planned events (spring picnic 2018, celtics games, fall formal 2018), and directed a group of chairs on my own (s/o to my internal chairs!! some of whom are directors today). I learned how to send emails, make phone calls, hold meetings. By the middle of my junior year, I had learned so much about how running an organization, how the dorm and the school worked, and I had made friends upon friends upon friends for life from working with them for two years.

A lot of them graduated in 2018, and we were facing a huge transition year. I, along with maybe a few upperclassmen, were the only people left who knew how it worked in previous years. All of exec was new, made up of juniors and sophomores, and with some amount of negotiation, I got myself up to the vp slot, co-running with someone I didn’t know at all.

(I’d like to put it out there that this message was like a whole 500 word essay that I put a lot of effort into. like wrote into a text file first and sent to like five people for proofreading level effort)

I was nervous working with people I hadn’t worked with before, I felt like I had just gotten used to working with our old president and treasurer, and now here I was the treasurer (me???? I sometimes remember how to fill an RFP) But these kids were AWESOME and the new frosh were EXCITED and lots of precedent went out the door. This was actually not the worst thing -- things like spring picnic didn’t happen (which I don’t think anyone was really upset about), our retreat to endicott got moved to a cape cod retreat (which was 192389128x more fun) and we planned big parties just for fun (casino night, beach party, and MC^2 happened). To be fair, I think it was more work than anticipated, but there could’nt have been cooler people to work with.

So in my last year in house gov, this is what I’ve gathered:

Things that were in the job description:

Boring RFPs

Budget stuff

Exec meetings

Things that were NOT in the job description:

Picking up half sheet cakes from Flour

Cutting five watermelon at 10am

Filming tik toks

Playing negotiator with our head of house for a party name

Making dumb icebreakers

Becoming the de facto video game console wizard

on-call IT support

Being filmed as the spokesperson for dorm sustainability

Distributing boxes for storage

Hunting down GrubHub orders in the rain

submitting MIT confessions

arguing over teal #1 vs teal #2

I think we toed the line between too much chaos to be productive and too little chaos to be fun, but we managed to find a perfect balance to really change the culture around here. 

Our last house meeting is today, which is the last one I’ll also be part of exec. I’m slightly emo about it because I feel like I’ve watched this place grow and transform, and I’ve also grown with it. I remember 3 years ago when I was ready to move out and today, when I can’t imagine my MIT experience happening anywhere else. This was by far (along with my UROP experience) the most important part of my time here, and I hope I left leaving a positive impact on some people’s lives. It’s really hard to put how I feel about it in words because I truly cannot imagine what my life would’ve been like if I hadn’t been a part of this (like where would all my time and effort go?? where would all the TEA come from??)

anyways yeah, tldr, i love all my friends, i love the place i live, i love the house team <3 i dont know what im going to do next semester or next year, but i’ll figure it out

[byzantyne]

say something, i'm giving up on you

aka 10% smut sandwiched between 90% angst (im sorry)

-

They don't start off on the right foot.

"Hey, Bakasugi, when is your serial killer stalker gonna stop following us around?"

"Watch it, buddy, I'll cut your balls off before you can squeal, Shinsuke-sama, save me --"

" -- You bitch, I would never say something as pathetic as that -- "

" -- Gintoki, she's my fiancee."

"Oh. ...Oh, is that how it is."

"Yes, that's how it is."

-

Takasugi isn't an altogether unappealing guy. His looks aren't unlike those of a Sour Patch Kid -- at first, his face is rather sour, even annoying, but the more you look at it, depending on certain angles, it can be sweet. The slope of his nose is perfectly chiseled, for instance. And his eyes are gorgeously dark, like a black hole, like someone had dipped a corner of rice paper in a vat of ink and let it bleed. His hands are lithe and attractive when playing the piano.

And then, you don't have to look at him at certain angles to find him attractive anymore.

-

It's a calm day, so they spend it together splitting Mickey D's at the food court. ("You two argue so much," Zura says, shaking his head. "I never understand why you end up spending so much time together." For a guy who prides order above all else, it must be a pressing concern. But Gin and Takasugi thrive off the vulnerability of chaos. Feed off of it, even.) Gin licks a stripe of ketchup off his fingers. Takasugi smokes a cigarette languidly, and Gin finds himself watching the way Shinsuke's mouth makes O's around circles of smoke.

"Pretty sure we're sitting in the smoke-free zone of the mall, dipshit," he informs his friend, equanimous, couldn't care less.

Takasugi slants his eyes towards Gin. "Are you done eating my fries, freeloader?"

"Hey, it ain't my fault the video store pays a shit salary. And we're splitting, you ass."

He eyes the two boxes of fries, one empty, the other Gin currently had his greasy fingers around, on Gin's tray, and neither on his. "If 'splitting' in your dictionary means 'being a greedy bitch.'" He makes a grab for the box in Gin's hand. "Give me one, you bastard."

"Hey!" Gin whisks it away, arm high in air, sending half of the fries flying. "Sneaky fucker. Hey," he says again, leaning in, grinning. "I'll make you a deal. A fry for a smoke."

"That easy, Sakata?" He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a cigarette, dangling it between his thin fingers. "Here."

"No, I'm not that easy, stupid." (Takasugi isn't liking the grin on his face.) "A fry if you shotgun it to me."

"Pfft." Smoke billows out from between his teeth. "Just one fry? I'm not a cheap whore, Gintoki."

"You look pretty cheap to me, asshole."

Takasugi sends another long drag through his lungs and Gin is thinking of giving up, joke or not, when the boy murmurs, "I shotgun it, and I get what's left. Whatever's not on the floor, that is."

"Wha --", when Takasugi leans across the table, pulls Gin's chin forward, and tugs Gin's lower lip open with his thumb. The delivery is quick -- Takasugi funnels his lips in a small "o," blows a steady stream of smoke into Gin's mouth, and then leans back again, crossing his arms. Gin breathes in and tastes hot ash on every square inch of his lungs, still stunned.

They hadn't broken eye contact the entire time.

There's a clearing of a throat (Takasugi), and an awkward cough of recycled smoke (Gin), before Takasugi reaches forward and grabs the box from Gin's now-lax hand. "Five left," he says, peering in and jiggling the remaining fries around. "What a waste, spending money on you, I swear to God."

He's trying to act so cool, but Gin recognizes the slight crawl of blushing pink on Takasugi's downturned cheeks.

-

"Gintoki." "Gintoki."

Someone is shaking him gently awake.

Without opening his eyes, he rolls onto his other side and mumbles, "Five more minutes, Zura."

The boy in question frowns, crosses his arms. "It's not Zura, it's Katsura. And It's 4PM, Gintoki. Your laziness is starting to astound me. Maybe we should take you to a doctor? There's a possibility it's a disease."

"You're a disease," comes muffled from under the covers, and frowning, Zura yanks them violently off. Gin gives one undignified yelp before Zura gasps himself.

"Gintoki...your eyes..."

Gin is only 90% certain that Zura is pointing in horror at the bags under his eyes. The other 10% is reserved for the assertion that Zura is hallucinating a strange, mutated alien crawling out of Gin's eye sockets right now.

"I couldn't get a wink of sleep last night, alright," he says, pulling the blankets back over his head. "Leave me alone, okay."

-

Gin can't pay attention during class.

(It's Takasugi's fault, that sonuvabitch, all that damn bastard's fault -- )

"Sakata-kun!" He jumps in his chair at the sound of his name. "Start reading from where Okita-kun left off."

He looks down at his Soseki text, a spaghetti dish of jumbled tongues. "Sensei, Okita-kun's haughty tone was pissing me off. I couldn't possibly pay attention to what he was actually reading."

The class erupts in a rumble of laughter -- not at Okita, no, at Gin, who is notorious for slacking off and coming up with the lamest excuses. He rolls his eyes and stares out the window. The teacher snaps something like, "Next time, pay more attention, Sakata-kun!" and assigns him an extra essay which he certainly won't write.

After school, Gin drives Takasugi home on his scooter. They both live a fair distance away from school, and the scooter is an old dinosaur, coughing up smoke and sputtering at the worst instances, and which Gintoki always has to kick once or twice in order to start up. Still, no matter how much he complains, Takasugi always hitches a ride with Gin anyway, and wraps his pale, thin arms around the small of Gin's waist.

This afternoon, it just happens to be very distracting.

They stop at a convenience store because Gin complains of hunger and Takasugi wants a pack of smokes. Languidly, Gin leans against a shelf of potato chips and watches Takasugi furrow his eyebrows at the selection of cigarette brands.

"Piece of shit konbini sells pieces of shit, what a surprise," the boy mutters from under his breath. Gin raises an eyebrow.

"What does it matter?" Gin says around a mouthful of strawberry-flavored KitKat. "They all taste the same anyway."

"You stupid fuck, they do not all taste the same. You would know if you actually -- "

Then stops, and closes his mouth abruptly.

Gintoki swallows. "Hey," he says, "take it easy."

Takasugi throws him a glare. "I pity the easy-going fool."

Gin murmurs, "You are so fucking difficult, sometimes, I swear to God."

"What about you, huh?" Takasugi rounds on him, pulling Gin's shirt collar. "Sometimes you disgust me, Gintoki. With your laziness and unambitiousness and the way you don't understand things -- "

"Understand what, huh?" Now it's Gin tugging on Takasugi's collar with his fist. "Understand what, huh?"

He expects Takasugi to shoot something back, like simple arithmetic, or how to work an AC, but instead, Takasugi falls silent, with a vaguely horrified look in his eyes. The sales clerk stumbles towards them, waving his arms. "Hey!" he shouts, essaying authoritatively while looking terrified, "if you're gonna fight, do it outside!"

Gin sighs and slings his arm around Takasugi, dragging him along. "C'mon, idiot," he grumbles, and is surprised when Takasugi doesn't struggle. When they get outside, Gin pushes him against a wall, barring escape with his arms.

"Get off me -- "

"No fucking way," Gin says between his teeth. "Not until you tell me what you meant when you said I don't understand."

Takasugi is breathing hard. Gin finds his fingers inevitably tangled in Takasugi's hair, and, for the first time, is enjoying his advantage in height over Takasugi in an entirely new way.

There's a brief exchange of shared breaths, until Takasugi blurts out, "I have a fiancee."

"Is that what this is about," Gin says, leaning back. His muscles relax, his face scrunches. "You fucking tease. What was yesterday, then?"

"I don't fucking know." Takasugi presses the heel of his hand against his eye. "A lapse in judgment, probably. Most likely."

Gin gently pries his hand away from his face. "Well, you can't argue this ain't mutual." He takes a step closer. Takasugi's eyes widen.

"What are you doing."

Gin strokes the shell of Takasugi's ear, traces skin all the way down to his bobbing Adam's apple, until the boy starts to shiver at his touch. At certain angles, Takasugi Shinsuke is a fascinating study in vulnerability and defensiveness, all at once. At any angle, Gin feels a compulsion to press his fingerprints into his ribs, leave his marks and presence there like a tracking hound.

"Just this once," he murmurs, "please."

Underneath him, Takasugi eases. "...Just this once."

-

This is not a romance, or else it wouldn't have started with awkward handjobs in the sketchy back washrooms of gas stations. The first time Gintoki is sucking Takasugi's neck like a vacuum, hand wrapped around cock.

Takasugi pushes him away. "You're going too fast," he grumbles. "What are you trying to do, start a chainsaw?"

"Shut up," Gin growls, "it'd be easier to get a chainsaw hard, you fucking limpdick," which is how they end up with more bruises that night than erections.

(But later, when Gin is applying ointment to the blossoming blue patch on Takasugi's forehead, his hands are still gentle.)

-

Just this once, they said.

Yeah, okay.

-

Matako and her threats of castration, unfortunately, are becoming a constant presence in Gin's life.

"So," Gin says, leaning against the railing circling the roof, "explain to me the circumstances of your engagement again."

Takasugi rolls his eyes. "There's not much to explain, Gintoki. I've already told you numerous times, if only you'd listen -- it's an arranged marriage. When I turn twenty-two, I'll marry her."

"Yeah, but." Gin scratches the back of her head. "Did she hold your father at gunpoint? Did he get brainwashed by one of those weird aliens Sakamoto keeps talking about? I don't get it. We're only like, eighteen. Aren't arranged marriages out of style these days, anyway?"

"Don't be such an empty-headed priss," he snaps. "It's not about out of style or not. It's just the way things are done."

Gin blinks rapidly. "Takasugi..."

He stubs his cigarette out on the railing. "We're done talking about this," he says, and then walks away.

-

It happens, of course, when they're watching some pay-per-view on the television and Gin keeps complaining about how drafty it is in Takasugi's room, which is how Gin ends up with a blanket wrapped up around his entire body like a burrito.

"Do you think we spend too much time together?" Takasugi suddenly says, right when some Spartan warrior is jump-striking some Persian with a spear.

"Hm?" Gin scratches his cheek absently. "Have you been talking to Zura again? I told him, it's just friendly banter."

They watch an impressive decapitation, CGI blood spraying fantastically across the scene. "No, Kijima said so."

He scoffs. "Since when are you and that bitch on first name basis?"

Takasugi glares at him. "Don't call her that."

"Okay, jesus." Gin sighs, leaning back against the couch. "You shouldn't let her boss you around, anyway. What's it been, a month since you met?"

"She doesn't." Takasugi chews on his lower lip. "I was the one who brought it up, Gin."

"Oh." He lets the blanket fall from around his shoulders. "Um."

Takasugi watches the fleece descend to his arms, but does nothing to move it back. "And of course, you're simple-minded enough to think this arrangement will somehow work out."

"What do you mean?" Gin sighs, scratching the back of his head. "It's not like we're -- " god forbid " -- dating."

Takasugi gives him a wilting look. "You understand nothing, do you."

"Again with this understanding and not understanding thing. What, is it actually code for, I wanna jump your bones, Gintoki? Jeez, you can really be a pain in the ass sometimes." He scrunches his nose when he remembers what they did just last Saturday. "Literally."

"Stop that," he groans. Gin thinks he's talking about the bad jokes, but then Takasugi murmurs, "I can't be the only one who has thought about touching again," and Gin tackles him so hard it knocks them both to the ground. (Somewhere in the background, a Spartan falls.)

"Shinsuke," he says, voice feral, "I've been waiting for you to say please."

-

This is not a romance. This is not how Meg Ryan and Patrick Swayze fall in love. This is backs thrown against walls, zipper teeth chafing, real teeth drawing blood when every impatient kiss is more like a punch to the face. Takasugi already has his hands under the waistband of Gin's boxers, and Gintoki already has his bottom lip sucked between his teeth, like this: "f-f-f-f-f -- " trying hard not to plead the word fighting its way past his lips.

"You're already hard," Takasugi murmurs, bending at the knees and pulling Gin's cock out from his Superman drawers. His breath is moist against skin, and Gin's fingers dig into the wall behind him.

"Fuck you," he manages to spit out, instead of "fuck me," and Takasugi irritatingly catches on.

"I fully intend for you to," he says, before closing his mouth around the head, and unraveling the growls from the base of Gin's throat.

-

something something haha

-

"My father expects impossible things from me..." he murmurs.

If this were a Nicholas Sparks novel, Gin would:

a) tell him, "you look beautiful when you cry."

b) kiss his tears away.

c) hold him tight, hold him close, until the sunlight died and a moon was reborn.

But it isn't. But this is Gin, wanting at once to push him away and pull him close, so he struggles: "Do you want to talk to Zura? I -- I can go find him for you..."

Takasugi glances at him with such undisguised misery that Gin wants to throw up. Tell me what a dick I am. Do it. Throw a fit and sock me in the face.

But Takasugi just says, "Sure."

Gin nods.

He turns the corner.

He doesn't want to think about how it is raining today.

-

This is not a romance, because Takasugi is not waking up in Gintoki's bed in the mornings, and Gin is not bringing him breakfast in bed. Gin is watching his pale, thin legs walk away for the nth time in the shine of the moonlight, and he wants to grab them, halt their motion.

He wants to say, Come back to bed, baby, like some smooth motherfucker, like a lovestruck mooner.

But he is cursed, like Cassandra, except instead of unfailingly predicting the future, the things he sees in his head will resolutely not come true.

-

This is not a romance, but --

he turns back round the corner, sprinting, tripping over his shoelaces, and does the following things in the following order:

a) tells Takasugi, "You look beautiful when you cry."

b) kisses his tears away.

c) and holds him tight, holds him close, like he's afraid the boy might disintegrate in his arms right them and there.

Takasugi chokes out, breathlessly, "Gintoki, you know we can't be together."

He laughs. "Listen to yourself. I bet you never thought you'd say something so stupidly heart-breaking, like some dumb chick flick." His fingers curl, around shirt, around hair, around -- Shinsuke. "I'm not stupid. I know things won't work out. But I can't erase these feelings. I don't want to stop myself from doing the things I want to do. I want to say the things I want to say to you, because I want you to hear them."

"Gintoki," Takasugi is cursing, "you stupid fuck, you stupid, stupid, stupid bastard," cursing his name until his lips run dry and his throat has no more words.

Gin lets his grip slacken slightly.

I know.

[skpeacelove]

3 May 2017

Today was fun, even though some things were disappointing. So i get up an organize my room and pack some things so moving out can be easier. Mom and dad will be picking me up on Friday, but they will be coming over tomorrow evening as well so Dad can pick up the heavy stuff in my apartment, so when i actually move out on Wednesday May 10, mom and I wont have to do too much heavy lifting. I told my parents that I need to stay over this weekend because it’s finals week and I have three essays to write that are due on tuesday and a final exam on wednesday. It not a real final, it a regular unit test and it fairly simple, its just the last one of the semester so it’s not like a final final that is cumulative of the whole semester, which thank chuck i had no cumulative final this semester. But dads home this weekend and he wants me home before he goes back to work. Anyway I think im gonna have a sore throat and Im about to get very sick. While eating my favorite tomato basil soup that i love at my university, I felt my throat get rough, and I immediately started praying because with a sore throat i get runny nose, headaches, fever, and the whole damn circus!!! And today was the big de-stress event at my university. Since I live in front of the green lawn I see and hear all the events and what ppl are doing. The de-stress event is basically a big concert with many performances (in the past John legend, Common, and Macklemore)  with a bunch of other stuff like food stalls, games, and boucny house, etc...This de-stress event always happens before finals so students can have fun before they die from finals!! I finished majority of my finals, im not stressing about the three short essays and the unit exam. So I spent the day watching doctor who, and listening in the early performances happening before the big one ( the big one was from a group called Cheat Codes and they were the final performance). Anyway around 7pm I start getting ready for the de-stress event even though its already begun at 5pm. I go down to the event with my senior friends, and honestly i was disappointed. There weren’t much stalls or games, no henna table like they advertised (im inadian and i love henna). So we enter the concert area on the green lawn and we get out snap chat video n stuff and its bunch of laser lights and noise, like you have to be really drunk to enjoy this...and i dont drink and by this time i know for a fact im getting a sore throat and a fever. My senior friends leave but i stay. I dont stay in the concert area (because some assbutt stepped on my foot, another pulled my hair, and another grabbed my batooty! So i found a bench and enjoyed the show, enjoyed to a certain extent you see. I appreciate the art and the talent of the group but not too much of my cup of tea. But the songs there were performing were remixed into their style and i kinda liked it. Anyway at 10pm me and a senior friend head for the cafeteria. The concert is over and late night breakfast is going to begin (only happens before finals). The line is hella long, so we cut! And we get pancakes a doughnut and tater tots. And it was alright. After that we head back to our apartment. I bid goodnight and begin to take my make up off and by this point it hurts to talk and i feel drowsy. And that brings me to now, im off to bed, took some medication, ik im gonna get very sick because i dont get sick often but when i do, im down for the count. Mom and dad bid me good night around 10pm and they knew i was at the concert and on campus and safe so they went to bed. But mom called me again just now and its 12 am to make sure im okay. Sounds sweet but what if i wasnt back in my apartment, i would get hell of a lecture!! Always have to do things according to my parents mindset incase they call and I cant cover up where i am for example like a loud festival. Did that make any sense? Im sorry... im just gonna go to sleep! Night!