#but also im a dude and i like and love dudes and so sometimes its like... painful
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I'm not allowed to be on social media for more than two seconds today but I just wanted to say that Laios will absolutely have his own reaction to all this as someone who would die for Falin but has also imprinted on Marcille as his Emotional Support Comphet White Girl Not-Girlfriend along the way
#a little creature#sometimes i look at the way i want marcille to be the closest thing hes ever had to a girlfriend but in a 100% platonic way and im like#is this what they mean by queerplatonic or have i just never had a dude best friend who wasnt like. a super fruity gay twink#anyway its gonna be as hard on him as it is for us bc he loves them both so much#the most important women in his life bar none#marcille probably slapped him when she got back tho. like she just saw his face and all the misdirected anger at him 'taking falin' just#rose up and burst again#its ok tho. you know she immediately broke down crying in his arms again blubbering incoherently bc she felt bad but also shes still mad#and she just doesnt know what to do with herself#the hardest part about this fic is that like. there are SO many juicy things going on offscreen#but. i have to breathe deep and keep calm and let them happen out of falin's POV#the ryoko kui method. what happens in the story happens and what happens outside can be explored in extras if need be#edit: also just figured out why ive been chafing a *little* bit against ppl assuming that it's the fear of falin dying that motivated#marcille's denial of her feelings so far#bc it's technically true but something just didn't sit right and i didn't wanna say anything until i figured it out#in little creature she has in part already realized that falin's passing is going to hurt no matter what she does right now#bc she's already passed the threshold of preemptive grief and sealed her own fate by how much she cares about falin#so it's not really... about that as much as it would have been during the canon story#it's just that. to acknowledge that she has romantic feelings for falin means recontextualizing their relationship in a way where#she has been the one hopelessly chasing while falin didn't realize/ignored her for the most part#and she couldnt allow that to be true both bc she couldnt bear to make falin the 'villain' in her love story#and bc she subconsciously knew the scope of pain would be too much for her to handle#so now my problem is. how do i make that clear in the fic from falin's POV without getting too heavy handed about it
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ChilledChaos in MCC is maybe the most bizarre crossover that I've ever seen from this man in the literal decade that I've been watching him and I am so excited
My guy relearns minecraft every time he plays it. Every session of it is like watching a newly born dear learn to walk and discover guns in the same moment
#also i will say a lot of the creators who are active in mcc and run it are ppl that i used to watch all the time back then#and still sometimes pop in on#so like.#shubble playing with chilled that first time was wild to see and i love that it wasnt a one time thing#but seeing him in a very popular and 'official' mcyt tournament type thing makes me feel insane#its very different from the other servers hes been apart of#idk im just. im happy to see him in places i would never expect and im proud that hes thriving#he IS my comfort cc/streamer/whatever tf you call it#mcc#chilledchaos#i did check also for the date on one of his first vids i watched to see the time and fuck dude#a decade ;-;
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I got those expensive ass cookies from that local vendor event yesterday and im going to be honest wit you...they were Good but not worth the price good, they were soft in the middle which i love but they really tasted like Dough and Ingredients... like i could Taste and Feel a Hint of Flour throughout eating them. Ykwim. BUT ALSO. im craving more of them so bad now.
#DUDE I WANT COOKIESSSSS#he needs chocolate chip cookie to live#im so bummed also bc my sister brought home a cookie from a local coffee shop#and its REALLY GOODDDD TOOOO#but its chocolate chip and walnut...dont get me wrong i LOVE walnut#she said they have one with pistachios too which is awesome i love thise#*those#but sometimes you just want a plain chocolate chip...like i jst wanna bite into soft chocolate chip without the crunching of walnut#god. ok post cancelled im making myself insanely hungry. i want chocolate chimp cookie
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i think how i write steven as a ""retired cryptid"" is extremely funny bc he still lives in pallet town. just in a walled-off part. he would never willingly reintegrate with society fully but just. imagine if he did at least partially. imagine if some delivery guy came to pallet town and was like asking the residents where a "mr. steven" would live and theyre all like
"The guy on the edge of the town???? The cryptid??? Our local boogeyman???" "yea that one"
#wispy chatters#steven strangled red#big tag ramble on this one i have THOUGHTS i LOVE domesticated cryptid steven#its funnier bc his 'side' of pallet to the west or whatever is walled off#and i imagine its walled off enough to the point where its like hard to climb or jump over ( at least if you're short or weak )#so its just like. the deliveryguy has to go thru that. and has to text steven like. 'Dude i cant deliver the package like this'#and hes just like 'idk drop it on the other side'.#deliveryman just goes 'i am not legally liable if the package gets damaged ok' and steven just groans#and goes outside to reach his hands above the weird stone gates and picks up the package and just goes back in his house#Imagine domesticated cryptid steven is what im saying.#i also like to imagine he'd scare the residents for fun by ominously sitting at the edge of the stone gates at night#and glaring at people w his red eyes.#for literally no reason other than to scare people bc he probably finds scaring people funny#i call him a retired cryptid but hes still pallet towns local cryptid who is really playing into the role after he stopped actually killing#and also probably when he was too but like less so.#imagine theres like a day dedicated to steven in pallet for some reason where people just offer things near the gate for him to pick up#bc its smth the kids of pallet who were told the story of steven just kind of imagined like#'oh well sometimes you give offerings to legendaries or during ceremonies. or so the cryptid at the edge of town doesnt eat us.'#imagining the residents of pallet or whatever and sometimes other people drop him gifts on like... his birthday or the date of The Incident#and also cuz yk during his depression spiral ppl constantly gave him gifts#i think he'd just be very confused and very conflicted esp if they did make it on the Incident Day bc hes just like.#'i dont want your pity.' but then the day after all of the gifts r gone cuz he took them anyways.#almost all of them r prob given to miki bc its 'her' day unless its food then he splits it between em. and his partner if he has 1.#he just sees it as 'oh cool i dont have to go to the grocery store today. thanks.'#also prob happens on other dates too like christmas/halloween/his birthday#I think if steven was more normally adjusted and his side of pallet was open he'd make his house a haunted house on halloween#and would just scare people for funsiez and if he caught them he just throws them out . maybe give candy n then do tht if theyre a kid.
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jo the second he finds out masato's a little zesty
#not rgg#but if we try it can be#things kiryu would say if rgg allowed slurs#gona start a collection i got that kiryu You're Transgender? pic an now this#snap chats#i just needed an excuse to talk about this episode because HELP ME i didnt think this would be a theme in my fishermen jdrama#quick aside but its related the end theme for this show has literally no right to be so good oh my god.....#i'm gonna start episode 7 of First Penguin tomorrow probably since im gonna hang with my bro the rest of the night#but this episode (ep 6) is giving me a stroke#so for context. or just a lil background. tsutsumi's character in this is an old fisherman named hiro#and he's the most wish-washy bastard i ever seen in my life sometimes i want to strangle him#it's really funny though because he'll be so aggressive towards one thing but then the next after a lil convincing he's just Yeah Ok#funniest shit. anyways. Context Time#like ten minutes before this scene in the same episode he finds out his son's gay#WHICH. HAD ME IN A CHOKEHOLD CAUSE I DIDNT THINK THAT WOULD BE A THING#but anyway As Expected he has a fit over it because My Son This Is A Fisher Village Everyone Gonna Bully Your Ass#but then he talks with the female lead Iwasaki My Queen for like. five minutes and is pretty much over it a day later#and THEN THIS happens Another day later and. im sorry it had me laughing i dont know why#LIKE AGAIN IT'S BECAUSE HE'S SO WISHY WASHY BUT ALSO HE JUST STRAIGHT SOCKS A GUY#cause mate was saying slurs and all. his anti-homophobia arc we love to see it dude said Im No Longer Homophobic#ok bye we have pink pineapple and i wanna eat the pink fruit
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i wouldn't call myself a goth but they sure know how to make good ass jewelry
#what can i say bro i love dangle earrings. helps me with the stimmin sometimes lol#and goth earrings tend to meet my tastes. i tend to wear black most of the time even in summer so its easy to match#so many swords in their jewelry bro... love that. i love swords. and also lotsa moons. which i also adore#goth jewelry savin my need for Pretty Things once more#tbh i like jewelry in general but i like earrings the most. easy to ear; easy to store; cool accessory#back on may at an anime/manga convention(?) i got a choker & one of those hand chain bracelets with spikes#i think all goth people ive met so far are like the nicest people on earth i swear. very cool people fr#they took my measurements right there so theyre very comfy to wear actually. sad i dont remember shop's name#and i think it enlightened me bc im like. damn are chokers this comfy?? i thought they'd be constricting#but i found out i like wearin cool chokers that arent sme symplistic dainty thang and i've been like. dude i need more
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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You know it kind of sucks to see discourse about whether or not me and people like me should exist. Like just the fact that it's even a question in the first place sucks.
#ramblings of an arrow#I really need to make more friends that just arent christian at this point#like I still love my religious friends very much#but the fact that its an actual question being asked and that the majority answer is no like SUCKS dude#like holy shit and yall wonder why ppl leave the churh in droves#why there are so few queer christians#like its so fucking difficult to exist in a space where your right to exist is up for debate#its exhausting#like even if you arent outright saying it you make it so obvious you dont want ppl like me around#that the fact that I exist is either abhorrent or just too awkward to acknowledge#also sorry not sorry that my marriage is healthier that all but like 2 christian marriages ive ever seen#my lesbian ass is better at having a healthy loving marriage and good sex than most of you will ever be#youre gonna look at me and tell me that its wrong? really??#can you look me in the eye as you treat my existence as something to be ignored or spoken about in hushed tones#oh hide your children I might corrupt them because I exist being a loving caring adoring spouse to my wife#you dont like to talk about us or acknowledge us unless its to debate our right to be#as if that should even be a fucking question in the first place#im sorry i just.... this gets exhausting sometimes#im not gonna apologize for existing or try to hide the parts of me that make you uncomfortable#I am queer as hell I am a dyke I am a faggot I am a tranny and thats not gonna change no matter what you want#I adore my wife she adores me and I never felt this level of deep abiding compassionate love in christian spaces#your love comes with strings attached even though I know you want to believe it doesnt
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every day i log onto tumblr and pray i have a hater
#THE CONCEPT OF HATERS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY YO ME#imagine seeing a dude who is named after some old dude on tiktoks cat#his entire blog is abt a fictional 18yo ukrainian youtube rapper and also Flowers#his blog name is MADWICKEDAWESOME#and ur like fuuuuck i fucking HATE THAT GUY#STOP THATS SO FUNNY i hope i have haters i love them#i dont fr Hope i do but like . i love them nonetheless#everyday i also log on and pray i dont get into drama#but its hard to get into drama when the only thing in the show that u care about is 1 character and Sometimes hjs s/os#so i mean slay#maybe im just ur guardian angel 👻#idk im tired and my head is pounding im just saying stuff
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everytime im afraid i look too queer and am afraid i'll get beat up or some shit i remember that when i was just starting out in university all of the queer people in my class flocked to me like birds because they could tell i am a safe space
#just...ough...do it...for them...OUGH#i get so embarrassed sometimes thinking that i look so clearly like a faggot not because i dont love being one but because i know i should#be more proud and not afraid#but the reality is that in highschool i would get harrassed by random dudes asking whats in my pants and be constantly misgendered#and it was rough. being trans is beautiful but its also rough.#AND im chubby so its like. idk. IDK!!!!!! i need to love myself more#ramblings#transgenderism
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i know my cat knows i love him but does he know how much?
#this question haunts me#I'm literally cryinc bc it's a 'holiday' (but also fuck thanksgiving it really is and should be a national day of mourning for indigenous#communities to honor the genocide and the continued violence they face bc of american white supremacy and colonialism)#but like i do have nostalgic ties frkm childhood and im thinking abt how weird life has been#since my mom and I REALLY started growing apart (bc i started to understand things and she started spiraling)#but how none of my holidays feel lonely even whem i mostly spend then alone bc my cat almost always snuggles with me the whole time#like okay yeah this is what its all for in the end#this is what i live for lol#anyway that holiday talk sounded sad but actually it's really happy#when i tried to do holidays w the immediate fam i used to stress a lot and usually experienced something traumatic#so like it's so nice to have quiet peaceful holidays with my angel of a cat who's been here thru it all#the first time he headbutted me was when i came home from my mom's on Thanksgiving the last year i spent it with hwr#idk i just love this lil dude. hes neen a constant for almost 7 years now like wow#also sometimes i hang out w friends or facetime friends after their fam gatherings or friends who also dont celebrate#i was interested in going to an indigenous day of mourning march however i am still feeling pretty awful after my root canal 2 days ago#so i will try to go next year
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thinking abt saw was not part of the plan when i watched it
#p#alshdkj#might rb w my silly joke later but like. ive been thinking abt it dude!!#only seen the first one so far#fucked up how sometimes u (meaning me) arent as into smth til its over or near the end#less bad for shows cuz like. theres more of it in general ofc#but then w movies im like. i need to rewatch this (probs wont) or at least the scenes that i care abt most lol#oh n i didnt mean 'thinking (derogatory)' like in a bad way. im havin fun#remember (to the 2 ppl i said this to. i dont think i posted it here) how while watching most of it iwas like#'its wild that some ppl decided these guys are in love n had gay sex in that gross bathroom'#but now...........i understand#it rly was the clinging to each other all bloody near the end#adam begging not to be left there but lawrence can go get help so hes gotta#no happy ending there but. aaaaa ok#also idk if its just cuz ive been seeing Posts but. the blonde doctor (yes i know his name now) is hot maybe#question mark??????#been lookin at pics of the actor n it depends idk#im easily won over by dilf/milf characters its well documented#n amanda!!!!!! im v intrigued from posts on here And her in this one ofc#n i know shes in at least some other ones so. wanna see more of herrrr
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One of the funniest things about Travis to me is that he can hide his emotions but he can't pretend.
Like, he's a family man, right? He's Mr. Family is the most important thing ever and etc, it is what he's been taught! Yet when you blow his mother's head right in front of him my man just looks at it like 🧍 and it's like TRAVIS AT LEAST PRETEND TO BE UPSET KSDHNFFKD 💀💀💀
#luly talks#the thing w not having watched this game's gameplay in a long time is that i forget how silly it fucking is#like i know he hates her and i love that for him hashtag relatable BUT AT LEAST PRETEND TO BE MOVED BY IT DUDEE SHDHDKDHDB 😭😭😭#man i honestly would have loved to see him snap at his mother sometime like again im just being like aha hashtag relatable but yknow#i just think my man deserves a bit of revenge. 😁#what im saying here is that i could and would make him worse KWSGSKSGDJD <333#also just for the record travis does have a reaction when Jed dies like he goes 😧 a bit which just makes the other case more clear#AND NOT TO MENTION HE IS LIKE. COMPLETELY OK W WORKING W LAURA EVEN AFTER THAT LIKE FMFBNGNGG TRAVISSS 😭😭😭#I KNOW CONSTANCE IS SHIT BUT ITS SO FUNNY LIKE ABSOLUTELY NO MORALS 💀💀 so hot of him tbh /hj#the quarry#travis Hackett
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(falls to the floor holding my head in my hands) i can't keep making all my ocs the same vaguely eastern european vaguely indo carribean mixed race guy i cant keep doing this
(looks up. eyes glowing red. levitating with unknown power) or can i..................................................
#sorry to be mixed on main again but im working on some rough draft ocs. i saw myself making the same dude again. i keep making him.#i know as a kid with a combination of the classic mixed kid feelings of alienation as well as being really really into cartoons#i vowed to myself that I SHALL make all the mixed race cartoon characters since i wasnt seeing much in the cartoons i loved#it was a little dire in like 2008 when i vowed this. its less dire now#maybe i can rest.....or maybe not...maybe its still more dire than i think............#im in an interesting place rn living in a somewhat diverse area attending a pretty multicultural university so i got used to#kind of blending into the crowd but recently i was in an art history class. like one of the first i had been in person in years#(you know how it is) and outside of my vaguely ambiguous situation there was like one other non white person#and everyone else was white. and it became very apparent how white the class was very quickly because as art history students#race is kinda like. a big thing in visual culture studies HJKFKJLSDJD and like they meant well but it was getting a little dire because#so many of my white peers kept centering whiteness and white discomfort in like every discussion or brushing past the topic entirely#im biased because race is one of my main interests in art history but MAN i was like. oh god. i need to. intervene#gotta be more annoying about being mixed race in class. rolls up sleeves#gotta bring up every uncomfortable topic about representation and perception and power and dehumanization and intersectionality that i can#because no one else but me the other student of colour and the professors even think about it orz#sorry i know its obvious but sometimes it doesnt quite hit me that like. oh god. do white people really not think about any of this?#at all? unless its brought up? not even a little bit? i dunno its just kinda alien to me orz but i shall keep going#i shall continue on with my deep interest in orientalism within art history and its impacts we see daily#and also making the same guy in my funny little cartoons DJSKHJKSJFKD#(jkjkjk i dont JUST make that same vaguely beige guy. i also make a bunch of other guys. who are also mostly all multiracial too HGKJDHJFR)#(its what i do. its what i do)
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I feel so conflicted everytime I see autistic Kanade hcs cause I wanna be like so true bestie but y'all gotta stop just listing her depression symptoms when chosing reasons </3
#rat rambles#sekai posting#similar with mafuyu but its less complicated as it usually becomes boderline ableist Fast#like idk I like playing around in the overlap between neurodivergence and depression in characters and how they both influence eachother#so I rly rly dont like it when these guy's depression is watered down to just. oh ya theyre sad. and everything else abt them is autism#like let them coexist and also for the love of god be careful with autistic mafuyu hcs jesus christ#anyways I think kanade's ramen thing is more of a depression thing than an autism thing sorry gang#I think it can be both if u believe in urself but its not a same food thing its a motivation thing#as someone who eats microwaved ramen nearly every day because of both just trust me Im an expert /j#its simply the token only thing she can reliably force herself to make thats not good for her but its the best she can do#ramen is also that 4 me but also muffins sometimes weirdly enough? like dude itd be so much faster tp jusr like scramble an egg and yet#idk my brain choses what 3 max things Im allowed to make any given day not me
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I'm trying to hype myself up to write my Danny story. I'm like tapping into the version of myself a decade ago that was venting with Dark Academia Horror Fantasy in Mundane teen drama dcdnfnjf
#rant#tbf#like. Dannys story has so much like. awareness of discovering sexuality and dealing with homophobic peers and family trauma and#of course the way first love is often messy and a bit toxic because teens havent always learned yet that if a lover isnt compatible#to STOP and not keep dating and sometimes love isnt enough#and like its just. funnt cause all my stories with adult leads they are OVER this shit. healed. or at least more healed#they are not making these level of choices. they already KNOW a lot of who they are.#so its odd going back in to when like. fuck. i didnt even know i was nonbinary/felt like a dude!#and danny was my vent lil character. and hes as nonbinary as my ass but he doesnt have the words to describe it the way i do now#and its like idk. its like having a fond love for my childhood but also im so glad its in the past in the rearview#its terrifying i lived through it u know. and like. of course thats why the high school set portion is Horror
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