#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that

[zoppzoop]

GAAHAHHHHH

[thatonesystemig]

Ughhh this is what I get for trying to do conflict resolution

[butt-puncher]

I wish that I was more

[wibblyparfait]

(props up arm on desk) hii,,,,,, Nanaco in a Situation huh,,,,,,,,,,,,

Limbus Company is unfortunately still on my brain sometimes. so heres to finally drawing up all the Nanashi IDs & EGO thats been plaguing my brain 👍

transcript + extra notes under the cut cuz if oomfie has to hear all my Nanashi thoughts then so do u 🫵 SHFNDNF

LCB Sinner Nanashi

to Coral:

-> Studying Coral under a microscope -> (Slowly trusting,,,)

to himself:

-> In-TOWER arc (note: think any time before the final conversation in the Core. hes on the road to trusting Coral & the other Hanoi but still thinks he'll have to go back to the Toros eventually 😔) -> Please god let me have 1 normal ID -> Embarrassed by [his] Butler & BS [IDs] -> distressed by [his] CoG, R Corp & Capo [IDs]

Black Silence Nanashi

to Coral:

-> sunshine loml ily c'mere & let him pamper u NOW -> in charge of deconditioning N Coral (note: oomf has an AU of Coral as an N Corp Kleinhammer, in my brain since BS Nanashi has his shit together he is also the main person thats trying to reteach N Coral self-love oogh 🥹)

to himself:

-> Post-TOWER t1 arc -> married hubby <3 (note: if it wasnt obvious. Nanashi & Coral take the place of Roland & Angelica in their world. dont worry about how doomed they are by the narrative, theyre both still alive by the time of this ID so they dont have to worry yet <3) -> literally living his best life -> mending heart, knows hes loved & channeling that recovery into malewifing <3

Church of Gears Worshipper

to Coral:

-> indifferent (at first) -> & then sees Coral as "his purpose" devotion (note: Coral would obviously not want this Nanashi to just follow along with everything hes told & not think for himself. and once that point gets thru to COG Nanashi, he expresses his sentiment by calling Coral his purpose & asking to hang out with him 🥹 FDHGD!!!!!!!)

to himself:

-> arc where he also loses the last bit of hope he never knew he had o)-( (note: in this world Nanashi meets Coral & co early n thus tries to run away from the Toros to stay with them, but by the time he gets back to them, they're so messed up by The City in one way or another that seeing them like that pushes him into losing all hope & joining the Church of Gears. so he can finally find Somewhere he won't be actively miserable in anymore. but. well☹️ DFKGJFDG)

4th Pack Reindeer

to Coral:

-> The only ID that allows being pampered back (note: clearly most of these IDs are centered around Nanaco. and we all know how much Nanashi spoils Coral without accepting pay. but maybe this one will allow being cooked some fluffy instant pancakes every so often 🥹) -> Doesnt Take Shit Tho. Get Pampered Idiot. (note: R Corp Nanashi doesnt have the time nor energy to hear Coral's usual polite excuses. as long as Coral allows being pampered, then he Will carry him over his shoulder like a sack of rice so he can bring him to a kitchen & cook him a full course meal :) FGJDGFD!!!!!!)

to himself:

-> Fragile. -> Needs the mutual care from R Coral to stay sane o(-( (note: Coral is part of the Rabbit Team in this world ☹️ between the Hatchery & the usual contracts they get, they both cope by trying to spoil each other in their down time uuu,,,)

Thumb Capo

to Coral:

-> omg hihi haiiiiii (WILL kill/die for Coral :() -> except N Coral o)-( (for now.) (note: usually in Limbus worlds Coral is pretty high up in the social ladder, so Capo Nanashi unfortunately rly rly respects him ☹️ but since in N Corp Kleinhammers are at the bottom. oof ☹️. Capo Nanashi is rly tough on that Coral & sets a bunch of rules on him n that Makes Me Sad ☹️. KJGDF)

to himself:

-> sheep arc (note: thats just what i call Sweetie Sleeps. so yeah this Nanashi is if his Sweetie Sleeps version came true ☹️.) -> coping [with] Toro horrors by accepting it all & enthusiastically enforcing rules o(-(

Brown Family Butler

to Coral:

-> Its just my job to take care of u (malewifes x1000000)

to himself:

-> Pre-Toro arc -> Met his Coral [before] he lost all hope -> No rizz. just an autistic stare & dog-like worship that makes u question ur morality (note: this quote was absolutely stolen cuz i saw it on another oomf's post & it made me laugh. hi Sen oomf. DFKGJDGD)

Roseate Desire

to Coral:

-> sunshine love of my life reason i exist & mender of my heart ily ily ily ily- -> rare Nanashi that WANTS to be pampered (note: once again we know how Nanashi usually feels about being paid back for his work. but this is probably the one Nanashi that just wants to curl up in Coral's lap & hear him say nice things about him DFKGHFD 🥹)

to himself:

-> 𝐹𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓀𝓎 ♡ -> Deepest desire is just to be valued o(-(

Seven Association Fixer

to Coral:

-> U're gonna forget how to sleep if u keep drinking coffee >:( (makes Coral's regular order right before he walks in) (note: in this world Coral is just a regular at the cafe the Seven runs DFKJDGD)

to himself:

-> Intelligence officer arc -> Rly good at his job, but likes the barista work the most <3 (note: also this Nanashi is the rare Seven fixer that likes coffee. not as much of a freak about the specifics of coffee brewing as Faust is with tea, but he probably enjoys himself a good espresso ^-^ KFDJGD)

Feral Mane

to Coral:

-> big skittish creature that loafs on & scruffs one (1) person (note: imagine him like a big scared lion. except around Coral, who he will drag by the back of his collar like a cat carrying a kitten ^-^ KGFDFG)

to himself:

-> Nanabeast -> Mittelhammer forced into corrosion experiments o(-(

Regret

to Coral:

-> Coworkers probably (note: this is the Nanashi ive thought about the least. imagine Nanashi meeting Coral in the real world while doing Toro work. of course he wouldnt have time to fall in love ☹️ DFJGFD)

to himself:

-> Walpurgis lobcorp ID -> Too busy fighting for his life to be sappy -> Maybe gets eaten by Nothing There idk (note: basically his fate in a lobcorp AU oops. hope Coral enjoys finding out about that 😔 FDKGFD)

Dimension Shredder

to Coral:

-> Very cuddly & touchy (hasnt had sane human contact in forever o(-()

to himself:

-> Guy that made "keep Coral safe" his sole purpose for 7625040532 years (note: to varying success. because by the end of the journey he's either a pile of guts that murders everything Except Coral, or talks to Coral's guts as if hes still alive ☹️ ue.)

in conclusion. good fucking god Nanashi never leaves my brain 🥹 DHDFGDFDG

[grilledcheese-aspiration]

a discussion idea! (long post)

my husband and i were chatting last night while cleaning up dinner; he pitched a fun idea that could be a great topic of discussion in the simblr community. maybe this should be a SQotD submission - IDK but: he asked how i feel about sims 2 expansion packs now compared to when they came out. initially, i said "yeh idk, i guess the same?" and that was that.

i put a more thought towards his question and realized, i do feel a bit differently about some of the EPs now compared to when they came out - all under the cut!

university: i was SO SO excited about it bc i didnt go away to college like my friends did so it was a way to vicariously-ish get the experience and a bonus was zombies! now tho? yea i still enjoy it even tho the dormies eventually start pissing me off bc theyre just so damn dumb lmao

nightlife: same level of excitement. i LOVE cities and i love vampires too. this scratched the "i need to go downtown chicago" itch when i couldnt from lack of transportation and safey being a v smol person afraid of the worst. i played all my sims in "downtown", specifically, 107 Custer Blvd. I made-over that lot dozens of times, it's seen dozens of different families and had a million different lifetimes. Nightlife still stands as my fave TS2 EP and 107 Custer - my all-time favorite lot to play.

open for business: initially, i had ZERO excitement over this pack. i personally, right out of high school basically, had NO interest in working myself (i didnt, i went to community college and got by ok w/ chore-money basically) so why the hell would i want to put my sims to work too?? i also didnt care for the music (i like it more now tho) as an Adult - i do enjoy this pack more than i ever did when i was a clueless near-20-yo. also, love the servos but i dont play w them nearly as much as i should being a bot fan and all. (i should fix that)

pets&seasons: i was pumped for these bc MORE IMMERSION AND REAL LIFE STUFF!!! also, weather and animals LOL. i still love these packs the same as i did when they initially released. just kinda wish plantsims werent annoying for me to play, i love them from afar tho! werewolves are neat but theyre also kind of a PITA to play.

bon voyage: EH i dont really go on vaca a lot myself, my sims dont either for the same reasons: money! im also still scarred from the one time i did send my sims on vaca and they got STUCK THERE!!! it broke all my shit and i had no way of fixing it bc i didnt know about MTS, MATY and etc to ask for help/guidance. RIP to that family lmao i hope theyre still having a nice time in the vaca-void theyre prob still floating around in! (note: ive never found bigfoot, some day i wish to!)

freetime: we all have hobbies right? it was all fine and good until the fire nation attacked i was being inundated with a ton of hobby spam, be it notifications, the hobby sims and the lots. it was a lot. its far more manageable now thanks to mods so i dont mind playing into hobbies. i do appreciate the return of the genie tho!

apartment life: ok, look. i thought this was super cool then but now, after living in apartments myself, i despise them and dont put my sims in them anymore either. i do love the witches tho, prob my fave aspect of this pack!

edit to add rankings: nightlife, seasons, pets, apartment life, uni, ofc, free time then bon voyage lmao

id be interested to hear/read you guys' comparison's to the different EPs we have for Sims 2 or any of the sims games tbh. id go over The Sims but i dont have all day lmao ill make a different post on that some time bc i always get in my feels over the OG.

[mcrizzystardust]

hi key!! i see we have several mutual special interests so i Must Know your favorites!

1. who is your favorite fnaf animatronic (mine’s glamrock chica and the puppet!)

2. do you have a favorite calico critters family (gosh those are so nostalgic for me)

and most importantly

3. who is the best owl house character and why is it hunter

hi bee!!! (omg i just now realized our names rhyme)

okay so, bear with me here. i never got into fnaf as a kid, but after the fnaf movie came out apparently everyone i knew was like "omgggg!!!!" and made me feel like i missed out on a cultural phenomenon. so i bought the first game (and i suck at it 😭), and ive been watching markiplier play through it so i know what to expect and to calm my paranoia etc :). im up to sister location, and shit is getting WILD. i know like, the basics of the lore and what happens but GAWDDAMN. anyways! in what ive seen so far, id have to say either foxy, mangle, or circus baby. yes, yes, shes evil, but a girlboss gotta girlboss /j 😭 (no but fr, i just love her backstory and like her character development and kabfjabdj!!)

i dont actually really know many of the families, but the marshmellow mice and the reindeer twins are so cute!!!!! i have two sets of families, i have the maple cats and the persian cats. my fave calico critters of all time are on instagram, @/emocritters!!! its this person who diys critters to look like various members of my chemical romance from their various eras :)))) theyre SO goddamn cute. @fairylittlebitch said he'd get me one once he has enough money and i am forever worshipping his existence, kissing the ground he stands upon, giving him a big fat (platonic and consensual) smooch.

OMG I LOVE HUNTER. hes so KFNKDBDJFH!!2&(!:$)3&3)4.

okay but also hear me out...... the collector. theyre so.

i just. i need to give him a hug. i need to be his friend. i want to comfort them. im !!/$;$&3@2@/'

[streetscountbackward]

doing this challenge cz im bored (long post)

ignore the crap censoring i dont wanna get twordedddddd

day 1: your stats

5’5 and around 50kg right now :( lw was 49

day 2: how tall are you, do you like your height

my height is okay, could be worse but i wish i was 170cm+ instead of being a total manlet

day 3: a picture of your th1️⃣n$🅿️🅾️, what features do you like about this person

i saved these two on 📌terest the other day. theyve got muscle tone but are still noticeably pretty skinny which i like

day 4: your greatest fears about weight loss

my brain eating itself, having to quit running, refeeding syndrome/being hospitalised

day 5: why do you want to lose weight, are you doing it for you

i want to lose weight bcs im tired of being mad ugly and dont feel like i can be myself when im so fat. im doing it for me and for other people to like me 💯💯

day 6: do you binge, if so explain why you think you do

i binge because i get depressed and used to b/p but now i just try exercise it off. i dont binge super badly

day 7: do your parents know youre trying to lose weight? do they care?

they used to know i skipped meals but they got too suspicious so now i only skip lunch at school. theyre pretty oblivious to calories/what counts as restriction but my sister is on my ass about it sometimes

day 8: your workout routine

i run 25-30mins or do 30-35min interval runs three times a week. i go on a short walk every night. the other days it depends, most of the time i do flexibility stuff and those darebee workouts. usually only for 10-25 minutes. id like to workout way more but my family would definitely be able to hear me if i was doing like hour long hiit workouts in my room + the only ‘equipment’ i own is a set of dumbells

day 9: did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way

nothing to my face that i remember but i know theyre thinking it/people have said things behind my back

day 10: whats the hardest thing you gave up during this weight loss

idk not having an 34t1ng Đ1$0rd3r was pretty neat

day 11: your favourite th1️⃣n$🅿️🅾️ blog

not blogs but @/emothlnspo and @/dailymalespo_ on twt!!

day 12: what do you normally eat

ive been eating like shit atm so nvm that but; ideally my limit is 1270 and i prefer to stay under 950. i try eat high protein but im vegan so its hard😭😭. breakfast is usually <100kcal, then lunch is usually 20-200, then i eat dinner with my family (why my limit is a little high cause i have no say in what we eat).

day 13: are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way

im in a b/r cycle so im not losing weight or being healthy NEXT🚨🚨

day 14: whats your ugw, when do you expect to reach it

realistically: 35-38kgs, bmi 13s-14s ish?

unrealistically/if worse comes to worst: 26.8kg, bmi 9.9

i want to reach bmi 14 by this time next year atleast

day 15: are you vegan or vegetarian, if so has this helped you to lose weight

ive been vegetarian most of my life and only went vegan like 6 months ago. it definitely helps at times but theres a ton of vegan food around today so its not as useful as youd think necessarily 😭

day 16: when did you first decide to lose weight

i cant remember ever not wanting to lose weight

day 17: do you have an 3d

dont think i need to answer this one

day 18: what food is your weakness

sourdough + dried fruit + nuts 😭😭 theyre so gooooooood😭😭😭

day 19: when was the last time you ate fast food

YESTERDAY😭😭 it was only a salad from a fast food place tho

day 20: fav diet

high protein low everything else

day 21: what are your clothing sizes

i honestly dont know for jeans cause i always buy them bigger and just wear a belt but around w24 i think

otherwise xxs in fitted shirts usually and i think i fit a womens 6-8 (which is a USA 2-4 i think?). id probably fit a womens uk4 but ive never tried lolllllllll

day 22: what was your lowest weight, how and why did you gain

lw was 49kg and gained back to 50.8 cause someone was praying on my downfall idk

day 23: did the media play a role in you wanting to lose weight

duh

day 24: how do you feel about the terms pro-@n@ + pro-m1@

i think people dont know what they actually mean/where they came from. i say im not pr0 so i dont get sussed but really any 3d space is a pr0 space. i dont agree with promoting 3ds at all but i DO agree with having safe “pro-@|\|@“ spaces for people who have them

day 25: have you ever pvrg3d, if so describe your first experience

the first time i pvrg3d successfully was after my family got pizza. i stuck my fingers down my throat jumped up and down tried handsfree the whole shebang and eventually puked up most of it. had to scoop some of the lumps out of the shower drain and into the toilet. would not reccomend.

day 26: what excites you most about reaching your ugw

being skinny finally 🤤🤤

day 27: how do you deal with being around food

I DONT THATS WHY IM FAT

day 28: do you want a thigh gap, why

duh!!! i already have a tiiiinyyy one but i would love a big one. itd make me feel thin

day 29: your definition of beauty

i think everyone is beautiful especially if they are on the inside. for me though id like to be crazy skinny and toned (i would rather dieee than keep being skinnyfat i swear). clear skin, no stupid fat on my face and i wish my smile was different but i cant change that by losing weight so i guess im stuck. i kind of hate my eyebrows and my mouth. i think if my mouth was a little bigger and my eyebrows were a little lower id look okayish. is it weird to say i wish my teeth were smaller?? i have total bunny teeth. i wish my shoulders were wider and my eyes were less sunken in. etcetcetc

day 30: ten facts about you

1. im a natural blond even though i dye my hair darker

2. my dream job is to do music but that wont work out so either way i really want to make something of myself. i think id probably try go to medical school if i had the money.

3. ive never broken a bone except one or two toes

4. i want to travel the world some day but im scared of flying super far overseas and its expensive

5. i play guitar because i wanted to play drums but they were too loud and triple the price. im glad i couldnt play drums cause i like playing guitar now

6. my letterboxd top 4 are good will hunting, beautiful boy, ferris buellers day off, koyaanisqatsi

7. speaking of good will hunting, i love elliott smith

8. my favourite videogames are tony hawk pro skater and skyrim

9. i love lord of the rings and have done for like 8 years

10. im literally dogshit at both but i speak english and im learning two languages. ive been learning spanish for three years and polish for around three months

[ofcowardiceandkings]

mmh thing because of dad poll

this is such a nearly 5 am post lol

hhh i feel a little odd about my relationship with my parents sometimes because yknow its ... strsnge

ive reflected on it a lot since i was a lot younger as well and its very complicated but like .. ive known for a good long while that im far more emotionally mature and diplomatic than them both lmao

like ... i love them both and ive not got a truly negative relationship with either of them but sometimes its a little hard not to feel exasperated with their antics. i know WHY theyre like this, they both have a lot of trauma and baggage, but i feel like they dealt with it in a less than productive way for various reasons .. and ive tried to help them multiple times as well but at this point ive washed my hands of the matter because it just doesnt work , id much rather see them happier but you cant help people who dont want to help themselves

i dont wanna go into huge amounts of depth or air out their nonsense, but it explains a lot lol ... one being a csa survivor who had kids very young but doesnt actually like young children much at all, and still has problems with stubbornness and accountability/consequences and anger/patience .. and the other losing his mother very young, working in a new industry through connections very young (but thoroughly enjoying it) only to be shat out the other end with no recourse or way forward, losing his brother to a family drama related murder (yes really), and falling into alcoholism very much like his mother and other lost industry friends (he doesnt have many friends at all now), then having a minor stroke and losing memories words and personality traits, while also not wanting to bother people with his own feelings ?? plus neither set of grandparents was exactly perfect .... its a c c c combo ... both of them are sort of shut-ins especially my dad and i suspect if we lived further away from my maternal family my mum wouldnt do much either

and the bickering drives me nuts lol moving out was the best thing i did for my own wellbeing its VERY hard not to snap back at them sometimes like IM the parent

im not bitter either about how they definitely contributed to my anxiety disorder, they acknowledge it as well so its not a Big Issue and even though its shit i feel like its made me a more considerate person than i could have been. im generally not .. bitter its not really the right word ,, nor is sour either ? but at least on my end i feel a little melancholy about it all

id very much like to help but theres only so much attention i have to give on encouraging people who usually dont want to hear it when im dealing with my own shit

idk its .. strange

but like just fucking go to therapy jfskdjskdj jesus

anyway

yeah

[pumakaji64]

i suffer from this annoying problem you see-

i want to do more, i really think i do- but i just feel so confined by my current living situation where i am consantnly around my family- you see in 2020 my father mother and eldest sister had to move in with my older sister and i because of covid costing my parents their jobs- i wasn't exactly doing stellar before this but i was feeling like i was starting to get a handle on my life and starting to figure important things out- but since the move i feel like ive had to put that all on halt......

i stopped going to online therapy because i have no privacy to do so and feel safe because if i wanted to get any real progress id have to talk about my family and my childhood whici i do NOT want any of them hearing about and i cant go physically because i cant drive and i dont want to waste more gas and the time of the others- i stopped drawing because i have no privacy to safely express myself without their eyes unless if i lock myself in my room which they will judge me for and now my dominant hand is permanantly injured making it painful to draw unless im careful about it- i am confined downstairs in the living room most of the time because i need to watch my dog (this is on me though I can accept that) so i feel like i have no space for myself and when i take leisure time feel nothing but guilt everytime my family comes by- they love teasing me over the dog too saying i dont do enough i dont know how much theyre joking i already feel like shit all the time so i dont really appreciate the jabs- being on here is the one consistant thing i can muster up enough energy to do- but even so not without constant guilt- most days off dont feel like much of anything.

its hard even to engage in my interests anymore- dont have the time, dont have the energy, dont have the privacy, dont have the intelligence, dont have the confidence, idk... just been tough lately i guess.

not even my room offers much respite- my parents room is right across and they love to keep their door open- i feel them watching everytime i go in

i feel stuck

i feel like im wasting my life

i feel like i will never get out of here

i do not know what to do

i dont think theres even anything waiting for me even if i can

tw suicide talk

i cant go back to school because i have no idea what i want to do with my life- theres so much pressure for me to be succesful and each day i feel like more and more of a failure- and i know if i try and fail again i might end up trying to kill myself like i did last time

but to be honest i know i cant even kill myself because i know the cost of a funeral wont be worht it and because im too much of a coward to do so

but staying alive isnt much better when you feel like a constant financial drain and worthless layabout all the time

and everytime i think i find some sort of plan or some way out its like a carrot on a stick thats tugged away from me like a joke

it's so funny- i was openyl gushing about how hopeful i felt and now realitys crashing back down once again! there's no getting out of here.

to make it all worse this year has been terrible for me healthwise- im falling apart in so many ways and i feel even worse about being a waste of money-

i dont feel like i can talk to any of them about how awful i feel- most of the time any attempt to do so ends poorly and even when it doesnt nothing changes- i dont know where to make heads or tails of it all- i know im to blame for a lot of my own issues i know i overreact and take things too personally- i feel like i paint an unfair picture of them sometimes but eveyr day feels harder to keep on going- i already struggled with doing basic shit to take care of myself but recently it feels impossible

they did always say i just dont care enough- either its always been true or at some point became it.

i dont want to go to my stupid fucking job that bores the shit out of me- but i have to- i have to be of use somehow- i didnt sleep last night- i dont want to go to work because when im at work i just think about all the things i could be doing- actually useful or fufilling things i know i wont do on my day off despite how badly i wish i was while at my job

but i have to- it's almost time- so i guess i will.

whats the point of writing all of this- a cry for help maybe? pity seeking maybe even if i try to deny it over and over- i guess im just nearing my breaking point- something about these ast few months have been really grueling lately- again probably to do with all the suddent medical issues and the fact that my 20's are halfway done and i have nothing of worth to show for it- i dont know what to do i dont think im ever escaping this place and maybe thats for the best

I’m not a good person- I have all the same horrible traits they do. I just hide it on here to appear more likable.

im 25- its too late- ive wasted my entire life- it was always going to end this way everyone whose ever knwon me could see it thats why they all gave up on me- i did too. theres no point in prentending i can be fixed and wasting any more money. i feel like a ghost in this house watching life pass by. i feel like a stupid child trapped in an adults body.

i dont know what to do anymore-everything feels like sawdust.

But I’ll be fine… I’m numbing it all out. I don’t feel enough to want to hurt myself this time. like i said i have to go to work soon

im going to go downstairs and my mother will see my horribly messy hair and she'll make some annoyed comment about me needing to brush and ask me to run my fingers throught the tangles and we'll go to work. and i'll tell stupid jokes to try to make her smile because its the least i can do.

despite it all i love them still- but some days i wish i could love them from a safe distance.

im tempted to delete this like i do with all my breakdowns that i post on blogs that arent my vent blog but i think i'll keep this one up- because deep down i think i do want some advice or help or something- i cant keep living like this. i dont know what to do to stop. i just wish i had more to offer in return.

or maybe i just need to yell- whatever- doesnt matter- i'll go back to my usual postings on both of my active blogs regardless of whatever happens after this post-im sure i'll regret it later and try to just ingore this and hope you all too but it's like 4 am so whose even gonna see this lol

[dirt-grub]

my. my dad is showing my senile austrian grandfather the opening to jojo rabbit

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

I wanna be proud of being ace, but like. I feel like I’m sexualising myself? If that makes sense? And also sexualising my peers. I’m a minor, so I feel like it’s bad that I’m even discussing my ace-ness, esp since I’m gray ace so I feel sexual attraction sometimes, even if rarely. Is it true that it’s weird to be proud of being ace? Esp at a young age? I just. It’s the discussion of sexual attraction and relations between teenagers, and ik that society is still weird about that, looking at you netflix, but still. Am I contributing to the sexualisation of minors? I def think literal children are off limits for saying wether they’re allo or ace bcus theyre children and they don’t even know yet, particularly with sexual attraction, bcus kids don’t feel sexual attraction. I think. And hope. And the argument of if they can id as straight then they can id as ace and it’s like neat! But also they didn’t even choose to id as straight thats society baby. And people saying they’re straight are probably focusing on the romantic part, not the sexual one. I’m getting off topic here. But like. I’m 14. Am I sexualising kids/teenagers? It’s weird to think people my age even feel sexual attraction tbh, (including me lmao) but I think that’s a common ace feel. I think. But am I? It’s implying the rest of them who are allo are, well, allo. And it’s not like society doesn’t consider that. They teach sex ed and have the cursed netflix shows and discuss things and crushes and stuff. But. I just can’t get over it. Am I sexualising others? Am I being overshary? I want to come out to my family, but does my mom really want to hear about how her child doesn’t feel sexual attraction except sometimes? I have this friend who says this kinda stuff all the time and also is an exclusionist, which uh,,, I’m not an idiot, they probably contributed a lot to me thinking like this. But are they right? Do I have internalized aphobia? Am I sexualising people? Idk I’m just. Agh :(

Alright so let’s start with the main question. I’m not sure what you mean by sexualizing your peers, but it’s very normal and natural to think of people your own age in a sexual way. Generally speaking I separate feelings that are largely outside of your control with actions, most 14 year olds will naturally think of other 14 year olds in a sexual way. But it’s still important to be respectful of people and boundaries and not actively sexualize anyone who doesn’t want it or hasn’t given consent. But yeah, generally speaking at 14 hormones are fairly strong and people are learning to deal with them for the first time and these thoughts are going to come up and that’s OK. 

Sexualizing minors is definitely an issue, but the big issue is adults sexualizing minors. (And god wouldn’t it be nice if we could start having more shows about younger adults figuring their shit out and navigating life if you wanted to do a show about young sexy people? The actors are usually that age already anyways.) And honestly a lot of your peers are definitely having similar thoughts and going through similar things. 

Children can actually experience sexual attraction, when people start experiencing sexual attraction can vary widely. It’s important to acknowledge this because people who do start experiencing it young need to know their experiences are normal too.

Sexual attraction, or looking at people sexually isn’t a moral flaw. Sexuality isn’t morally wrong. It’s important to respect things like consent and healthy boundaries, but generally speaking sexuality on its own is normal and healthy. You may benefit from looking into the sex positivity movement, sometimes they forget about asexuality a bit which is an issue (newer stuff is better though), but it’s important to see that perspective too, and unlearn the more puritanical ‘sex and sexuality is a sin’ idea our culture tends to push.

Yeah you can be a minor and ace or gray ace (both or whichever you prefer). As said above, actually at 14 a lot of people are experiencing sexual attraction already. People are still going through puberty until their late teens/early 20′s, so it’s always possible your orientation is still developing until then, and some teens do prefer to hold off, but it’s a personal choice. And whatever happens in the future doesn’t change that something is true now. It’s fine to go with and identify with how you feel right now.

For literal children identifying as ace (I’m assuming you mean like under 10 here), honestly that’s usually not an issue because of the way our brains develop, young children haven’t reached a point yet where they’re solidifying their identities and orientations. That usually starts to happen during the pre-teen and young teenage years. 

But also there’s no harm done in trying on a label and realising later that that label doesn’t fit. It’s a normal and healthy part of figuring out identity to look into and consider different ones and try them on.

I have to be honest that I was reading through this ask and wondering what you were reading/seeing, because a lot of this comes from exclusionist rhetoric. Exclusionist rhetoric is also very very good at getting into your head and making you doubt yourself or feel guilty for being your own orientation/hate your own orientation. This may sound extreme but this friend is probably not a very good friend to you, and if they don’t know you’re ace it will likely get worse if they find out.

Ace exclusionism (actually any form of lgbtqia+ exclusionism) acts as a hate group, they target specific groups and base their identity around their hate/fear of that group. The tactics are the same, they exaggerate the power of the targeted group to make them appear like a threat, downplay their oppression, and actively target and harass those groups, and slowly become an echo chamber.

At the very least I really strongly recommend following ace people and ace blogs so you are getting good information and can build up a support for your identity. Remember exclusionists will often lie, fact check anything you hear from them, but you’ll probably see too just from watching the ace community yourself that the picture they paint doesn’t match up to reality at all. 

So please take care of yourself and watch out for yourself.

All the best, and good luck!

[ajdrawshq]

🏡 🗡️ for Vanitas and/or Repliku :?

I FORGOT ABT THIS FOR THE LONGEST TIME IM SO SORRY,, but thank u for enabling me with my faves <3

i also regrettably have like. No badass headcanons at all so im gonna do extra long dometic ones to try to make up for it

🏡  - Domestic Headcanon (gonna be honest i have No idea what counts as domestic so im just gonna go for it)

Given that Repliku lives or is somehow resurrected, id like to think they visit Riku's house with him at some point and become more or less adopted by his mom/parents (ive personally always headcanoned him with a single mom), after a short and vague explanation of How This Happened. They later end up learning abt Riku's embarrassing childhood stories (Riku never hears the end of it) and stealing from his wardrobe (he doesnt hear the end of this either bc his fashion sense is near nonexistent). In all seriousness tho, the whole family thing is a big change from what Repliku's dealt with for the past year or so n takes getting used to.. any memory they Mightve had of what Riku's life was like before shit hit the fan is long gone, so they dont even have a reference on what its supposed to be like - at least, when ur not preparing to (or just did) fight, since that scenario takes up literally every Riku n Repliku interaction. It feels weird to not have to be on guard all the time, to not have to be Doing Something. And it feels weird to be accepted and loved unconditionally, even though theyre not Him. Again, it takes getting used to, but.. they have plenty of time for it.

And for the Bastard of Darkness himself, also given that he lives past kh3 - Vanitas inherited some of Ven's sweet tooth and frequently steals from the leftovers of Aqua's baking (and sometimes just the wayfinder's food in general). While hes not shy about how much he takes, he Does make sure no one sees him with food at any time - not because he cares about them knowing hes taking their stuff, he really doesnt, and he Will take more of the stuff Ven likes out of spite (well, mostly spite), but its more like he doesnt want them to know that he eats? (its like a vulnerability thing) They notice whats happening anyway and often leave leftovers on purpose or prepare extra amounts to make sure he has enough. Hes basically a half feral cat at this point. Vanitas also becomes aware that they do it specifically for him, which kind of pisses him off and feels Strange, and tempts him to just not take any, but yknow. Gotta eat to live, gotta live to cause problems on purpose (and to steal more of Ven's favorite cake.)

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom, season 3 episodes 3-6 thoughts!

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-johnny was actually pretty civil with danny and left when he asked! thats nice. also, SKULKER?? HAD A FRAMED PICTURE OF EMBER?? oooo fuck wait had they established they were a Thing Before?? I dont think so. thats weird. its like that country boy/goth girl meme lmfao. I think i am going to choose to ignore this new info and pretend I didnt hear it. 100% unrelated to the jazz/ember fanart I already drew and posted....😳

-LADIES NIGHT EPISODE THIS IS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT. wish it didnt really center around the guys or them being pissed at them, but. willing to bet this was written by men lol

-THEY ERASED ALL THE MEN??? meanwhile, jack and danny are fishing at. silent hill or something. im glad jack is trying to read a parenting book and making an Attempt. (theyre at lake erie, but, they made it actually eerie...thats fun)

-the girls alt outfits...cute. EMBER MADE A NEW SONG TOO!!! kinda. jazz being one of the backup singers and being AWFUL. NOOOO

-'how are we going to get kitty to blow a kiss?' 'she'll have to think there are still some males in town!' ...i dont know how to break it to you, but I dont know that a 100% het girl would wish for all men to Begone. I think. I mean im not a het or a girl so I dont really know for sure. she Is probably Bi tho. esp having the other ladies in town chanting NO MEN!!! excitedly............(then again, the kiss is to get Rid of men, so, she probably would have blown it at the ladies only if they were actively trying to attack/stop them, so...I MEAN. THE DRESSING LIKE DANNY BIT WAS SO EXTRA)

-I feel like an all female cast ep couldve been way way way way cooler than that was. like. why was it still somehow all about Men. ...anyway. (where was valerie...)

-next ep opens with the observants, and, way way more of them than I expected...existed? I mean I guess them being a council/jury of some kind is what I expected from their first appearance (bc at that time they were basically TELLING clockwork to kill danny, not asking,, so I figured they had SOME kind of authority) but. there were so many. anyway, here goes vlad! letting his own hubris go brrrr. releasing a weather ghost for political gain! #justvladthings

-okay say what you will about him (he IS an asshole) but having an umbrella with his own face on it and more prepared to share is SUPER FUNNY. and him being fanned by huge wads of money by his bodyguards. SO ineffective but so Dramatic. He UNDERSTANDS that if youre rich you need to be. you know. obnoxious and kinda eccentric about it! fuckign hate when rich people are boring about it. I would trust vlad with nothing except to not be a boring rich asshole who wears...fucking khaki or some shit. man knows his Presentation Skills. and that 'V' chair in his mayoral office. is that fucking embroidered?

-maddie get your MAN PLEEEEASSSE. IM SO EMBARRASSED FOR HER. the way jack stays simping for this man. in FRONT OF HIS WIFE!!!! ...my god its like a love triangle. jack clearly loves vlad, who loves maddie, who loves jack. jack fenton is at the very least bi, right................. this is an OBSESSION . 'THE V MAN COMETH'???? i...my god. (also, on a serious note, to have a friend THIS SUPPORTIVE...and still be SUCH A DICK TO HIM (TRYING TO KILL HIM AND STEAL HIS WIFE??) NOT COOL VLAD. JACK IS YOUR 1 AND /ONLY/ HYPE MAN. if someone loved and supported me THIS HARD...LIKE. CMON DUDE.

-STOMP the fucking GAS, JACK

-this would make a great shirt design, looks like a metal band design! we love The Maelstrom

-oh, so vlad did in fact get a mansion in amity park. and its purple! good color choice! not as flashy as a CASTLE or MURDER CABIN, but still pretty eccentric, which I appreciate.

-...vlad knows the difference between picasso and da vinci? in the ep last post where we were watching him fail at conquering every historical time ever he didnt seem to know history well enough to like. be effective...was vlad taking art history at college?? (was he an art MAJOR??? we never DID KNOW WHAT HE WENT TO SCHOOL FOR. I kinda assumed business because in the masters of time ep he was still rich without ghost powers so he had to have..known something about business or something, right...but also, art and or theater FITS HIS PERSONALITY. possibly also something science-y, I guess, but I always felt like he got roped into that, esp how pessimistic he was about the ghost portal in the flashbacks to college, like, i felt like he was just there for maddie and was uninterested/un-invested at the time...)

-THIS GHOST JUST ELECTROCUTED MADDIE (THE CAT) BITCH!! THATS MY FAVORITE MADDIE!!! vlad going after vortex and being ~shocked~ .....WHEN. WHEN WILL YOU LEARN. THAT YOUR ACTIONS. HAVE CONSEQUENCES!!!

-the way this random man with a camera sees the mayor laying in an alley covered in TRASH AND DECIDES TO TAKE A PICTURE HAHAH

*snap* this ones going in my cringe compilation!

-vlad 'if we're going to defeat vortex, we're going to have to do it together!' *immediately dips after dropping danny off in front of vortex* JKASDFHKJHJKN

-DANNY CAN DUPLICATE!!! ...he couldnt even attack with it, but he DID IT!!! INTO (4) OF HIMSELF!!! SO PROUD!!!!!!!!!!

-'THE ROLLER COASTER EMOTIONS OF A TEENAGER THREATEN MY PLANS!' ...0 self awareness of his own dramatic moodiness. incredible, how dumb this man is. its very close to circling around to endearing, if he was less of an asshole. at least its very very funny to see danny shooting him with tiny lightning bolts anytime he's even slightly irritated! vlad you should be nice to danny anyway. this is what you GET

-...making sandwiches and ice cream and playing video games with your nephew is a totally normal thing. WHY is vlad acting like this is the end of the world. if you were a GOOD UNCLE YOU WOULD ALREADY BE DOING THESE THINGS!!! bitch I make my nephew food all the time and dont forget what he does and doesnt like. if u didnt know danny didnt want tomatoes, thats on u. if u, a grown adult, are gonna piss of the 14 yr old by not letting him win, u deserve to have to pay for the arcade machines he ruins because he now has uncontrollable storm powers because YOU THREW HIM INTO A FIGHT WITH THE STORM GHOST. fuck u vlad. paypal me $400,000 while ur at it tho. (also, gamer vlad confirmed)

-VLAD CAN COOK THOUGH???! I assumed he had...people working for him that did that. I mean. billionaires usually dont do that. then again, we've only seen those vultures working for him (and I guess the dairy king was AT his old mansion, but it was never really clarified if he worked there...I think he probably just Hung Out and they Enjoyed Cheeses Together. thats what I think, I dont think a KING would be working for anyone and also the dairy king was nice <3) but then again he would be a private person and we cant have anyone accidentally finding Ghostly Things, so...still, that's hilarious. pour one out for that really cute banana split that got ruined 2 seconds later

-vlad just fucking picking danny up and THROWING HIM AT VORTEX TWICE WITHIN LIKE A MINUTE. JUST ABSOLUTELY LAUNCHING HIM. BITCH THATS MY SON BE CAREFUL!!! HES GOT ORGANS AND THINGS!!!!

-danny seeing those animal commercials and feeling sad is the biggest 2000s throwback so far. i legitimately had to change the channel or walk out of the room when those came on bc id CRY AND BE SAD ABOUT THEM FOR DAYS AFTER. fuck those commercials and fuck that IN THE ARMMMS OF AN ANGELLLL song 😭

-'vlads ego almost got the town destroyed!' yes danny thats the entire episode. the entire series anytime vlad shows up honestly. this episode was just him being really embarrassing the entire time, and, me laughing about it. 10/10 would laugh at him again

-NEXT EP WE HAVE A SHAPESHIFTING GHOST?? I've said it before but shapeshifting is the power I would want when asked those 'what superpower do you want' questions...its the Best power! this guy looks like a homestuck character. ive never read homestuck but thats the vibe

-I love every time we see tuckers family, they are by far the most functional family. and dash has a lil chihuahua!!! named pookie!!! i am crying (I've had 3 chihuahuas, so I am very biased, but...) AND HE WATCHES THE ROMANCE CHANNEL WITH POOKIE. POOKIE I WILL DIE FOR YOU YOU SWEET LITTLE BABY.

-danny can lift a bus! I shouldn't be surprised, but i am proud of my son. hes got lil kid fans. i am going to cry about this

-JAZZ KEEPS A SCRAPBOOK WITH DANNY'S LIL HEROICS AND NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS!!! we've actually seen it on her floor before, but I didnt realize it was a scrapbook!! thats sooo cute.

-...and danny has to stand there listening to his parents saying danny phantom sucks and is a 'filthy ghost' and calling him egotistical...i am once again stealing their kids!

-THIS GHOST RIPPING JAZZ'S SCRAPBOOK!!! ILL KILL YOU. SHE WORKED HARD ON THAT!!! BITCH

-yes, maddie, the one with red eyes is For Sure Actually Your Son. ignore the, red eyes... (CLEARLY she hasnt watched the other 2 eps where danny has been evil, she doesnt know red eyes= evil!!!)

-'billy fenton'.......................

-danny being stuck as phantom in his own house, no way out is a fucking NIGHTMARE. his parents pointing giant weapons against him and SHOOTING AT HIM. THIS IS A HORROR MOVIE.

-NINE INCH NAILS POSTER.

-this is the most screenshot of all time

-amorpho turning into mr. lancer because hes 'someone no one will want to be around' BUT HES WRONG, I WOULD BEFRIEND AND HANG OUT WITH MR LANCER SO FAST.

-tucker dressing as danny, now I have the full Tucker set of him being sam and also being danny. also saying 'the ghost...uh...RIPPED MY FACE OFF.' and then running. SMOOTH. NOT AT ALL CONCERNING TO ANY PARENTS.

-sam accepts the toast from jack. and then 2 seconds later is like 'why am i eating this.' THIS SHOWS HUMOR IS SO UNEXPECTED SOMETIMES ITS REALLY GOOD. and then the scene after, mr lancer running into his ghost doppelganger and being like 'YOURE GORGOUS' THEN FAINTING. I AM CRYING. AND DASH FAINTING TOO.

-sam disguising herself as danny again to help tucker run from the fentons. but leaving him shirtless in the streets. incredible. 'plEASE DOnt NOTice MY FACELessNESS I MUST LIVE IN EXILE' this episode is destroying me the humor in this show is exactly my brand of corny and cheesy

-the impromtu story made up by danny and amorpho to explain stuff to the fentons. my god they are both such bad liars. but amorpho is a good egg. wish danny wouldnt have said he didnt wanna see him in town again!! I want him to be reoccurring. not that thats gonna matter since I'm almost done with the series, but the idea of this being the Only Time We See him is :(

-NEXT EP SAYS STARRING MARK HAMILL??????!!! hello ! mr . joker....mr. star wars.... I feel like I should be. idk. taking off a hat im not wearing in respect. I shouldnt be surprised tho bc hes in a lot of cartoons as a very good voice actor, and dp has already had a lot of talented ones so I've been looking out for ones I might know, but....mr. hamill....

-sam has her own greenhouse, names all the plants, and says thank you to them (in the languages from where the plants are from) whenever she harvests from them. thats SO cute. and her lil gothy lunch box...

-and danny's lil red fuzzy lined jacket!!! ive said it before but every time the characters get alt outfits im like :D

-danny has ice powers now!!! THATS WHAT FROSTBITE MEANT. HE KNEW SOMEHOW WAY BACK THEN

-THIS SHOW NEVER LETS YOU FORGET VLAD IS A BILLIONAIRE, HUH.

-danny's lil 'holy hibiscus!' first off the 50s batman swearing is hilarious. 2nd. my username is from the flower sanchoyo hibiscus, so, shoutout to ME this ep. hi :)

-EURGH UNDERGROWTH MAKING EVERYONE PLANT ZOMBIES. HIVEMIND PLOTS SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME. and this dude made the city SO overtaken so quickly like how long was danny asleep?? oh god

-evil fucked up sam! now the whole trio has gone evil at some point! the voice actress did a really, really good job with making her sound like a zombie...

-frostbite's paws are so so so big compared to danny. oh my god. i want to hug the snow dog...

-the far frozen has an advanced medical stuff!!! very cool. very smart snow dogs

-im so glad danny has a friendly ghost snow dad to explain this new power and teach him!!! this is so sweet. DANNY'S GHOST SENSE WAS A PART OF HIS ICE POWER?? OOOH. COOL. we love a training montage!!!

-danny saying if he cant defeat overgrowth, that he'd want to stay with frostbite...oh my god...do you think this is the first real supportive adult figure in his life (I am NOT counting his parents because they threaten him on the daily even if they dont realize it.) I mean mr lancer is a Teacher, but he was also nice but this is different, but this is a GHOST WHO IS WILLING TO HELP HIM with his powers and also will help him when hes injured and is so so nice and comparatively so much more mature than 90% of the adults in this show!!!! god. dad frostbite is my everything.

-the framing and lighting this episode, and all the angles...they went all OUT and it looks really really good. this is my nightmare scenario, tho. like, FUCK zombies and dead city zones and hivemind shit. and using the humans as 'nutrients for the children' i am going to THROW UP.

-MALEFICENT VIBES WITH THE HORNS AND GREEN EYES! this costume kicks so much ass. sam is now mark hamills daughter, I guess.

-danny's ice powers making his eyes blue!!! thats neat. and him going for the roots underground was SO SMART. i will not stand for danny ever thinking hes stupid, hes SO smart.

almost done with the show... :"( thats a sad thought!!!

[b00bconnoisseur]

Under the cut im just ranting abt my mom so you dont needa read or anything 🤷🏽

I am just so fed up w my mom and am so goddamn close to telling her bitch ass motherfuckin self off for how shit she is to everyone especially my lil sister who takes the absolute most shit from my mom cause shes so far gone wrapped into her mindgames that we can see that she doesnt. We see and know that shes a narcissistic abusive (emotionally, mentally, and even has been physically) gaslighting manipulative homophobic racist and annoying bitch ass motherfucker who calls herself a mother but aint shit. Shes so shitty so thats why she aint got any frens, over half her kids hate her, her husband dont like her, family members dont like her, her DAD dont even want her in his house and only lets us live there because his grandchildren (us) and has said multiple times that if it wasnt for us he wouldnt let her stay w him at all point blank, alotta strangers dont like her, even all the librarians i knew at the library didnt like her and she knows it, she also gets karma n wonders why she gets so much bad luck, etc. She aint got anyone and thats cause shes a cunt. Once we all leave her she'll have no one and will be alone and miserable and i cant wait to hear abt her breaking.

I just so bad want to just yell at her abt how shitty and manipulative and abusive she is and how bad of a mother she is and how i so bad want to leave her, like legit leave to across the country cause i wouldnt live in the same state as hee cause ik how crazy she is and she'd try n find me, and wanna cut her outta my life completely point blank

Like how does she expect me or anyone else to like her when she just uses people and gets mad when ppl dont do what she wants n doesnt get her way, yells n screams her lungs out abt EVERYTHING, etc. She feels so entitled and that shes such a victim at all times that literally when i finally CAME OUT AND ALSO SAID I HAD A GIRLFRIEND she had a full argument with me the next morning and when i was loudly balling my goddamn eyes out IN FRONT OF HER from how mean n shit she was being to me she was like "why are YOU crying?" and played victim and said i was being rude n not considerate of how she would feel abt me telling her i was gay and said she would've just wished i waited another like 6 months till i was 18 to say anything. And she still continues to be homophobic

Anyway not the point but LIKE. Shes so trash n i cant stand her omfg

And she has serious shit wrong w her and bothers everyone w her mental shit. Like its not even "hey can i talk to you about this?" Like she constantly every second of the day talks about herself. She tells every single thought that goes thru her brain at every second ABOUT THE DUMBEST SHIT LIKE "i had a thought about what if i got possessed or you got possessed or i switched bodies with this person in the tv or you or you did or anyone or any" to my SIBLINGS and if they arent listening or dont respond or are like "um" she gets so angry and plays victim. She acts lik a full blown child i cant stress this enough. Shes so annoying and im just. And like she literally annoys everyone and makes everyone uncomfortable and irritated with how much she just keeps talking abt every fucking tiny dumb thought she has and i literally starting crying cause i couldnt take it anymore. Like she was and is heavily affecting my mental health n i told her that and she was just like "um you hurt my feelings, youre so mean" and shes SO MUCH WORSE NOW. I literally cant take it. If she was someone else id block them or cut them out of my life for how toxic and shit she is. Theres a difference between talking abt your mental shit and then forcing everything youre feeling onto everyone and getting mad when theyre tired of hearing it. Like i definitely have mental issues of my own but i dont go to my gf or frens every second and tell all my shit cause who tf does that and also theyre gonna be annoyed to hell w me and be like "bitch please stop we're tired"

Anyway i hate my mom

[tinydailysteps]

Its been a while since i wrote an update on here and though im grateful for a lot, i really needed time to reflect on whats been going on.

Tw Sexual assault and (idk if this is even valid for a tw but) emotional abuse

Today was the first time i accepted the truth of the relationship i was in. I was both sexually assaulted and emotionally abused.

I always thought those words held too much power. That they were too big not to be noticed yet here i am, months after, just now accepting the truth for what it is.

My ex lied to me about his character, pretending to be someone hes not and posing to be authentic to get me to be with him.. then openly admitted to doing so. At the time i thought he was kidding and that he meant he put effort cause he liked me.. i now realize that he studied me enough to know what i was looking for and became that but only until he got me wrapped around his finger. Once i was, id essentially be willing to do anything to stay there cause the rope that held me felt like the only thing that did. Though tightening around my neck it really did feel like the only support i had.

I hate that i was the first to initiate a kiss. What started as so innocent quickly turned into expectations of sexual favour. At first, giving him a blowjob meant satisfying him. "Its not a big deal" hed say. Eventually it became him wanting to return the favour despite me not being comfortable with it. I always thought that oral was about satisfying the other person yet everytime i felt even more scared. But still i thought it was normal since we were together.

During sleepovers id wake up with his hands between my legs and him grinding against me. I thought the fact that i was wet meant i wanted it. I didnt. And despite me physically pushing his hands away from him and saying no, his hands found their way back. Objects shouldnt have opinions, theyre meant to be used. I felt like an object during those times and i really wish it was just once. At this point even being in my own bed irks me. Seeing every street we walked, park we sat in and hearing every song from that time with him hurts. What hurts the most though is that i was dumb enough to lower my standards to nothing for him. To turn my own boundaries and limitations into light suggestions. I shouldve left and i honestly dont know why i didnt. I hate that i blame myself but i really do. I blame myself for every second i spent trying to make a relationship with an assaulter work. With the person who assaulted me.

If you read this so far, thank you for hearing me out. Though i doubt he'll ever see this, id like to dedicate the next bit to the piece of shit i once thought was the love of my life.

Dear J,

as much as id like to say i hate you i cant. Im disgusted by the person you turned out to be but the idealised version of you still lives in my head. Every once in a while i need to remind myself of every way you harmed me to realize that that version only exists in my mind and that the person who stood in front of me was an exact opposite.

You were a sexist. Always talking about what women should wear or do yet clinging to the one success you had in highschool as evidence of your manliness. I remember the countless arguments about "feminism" and why you found it to be such an issue that i identified as a femist. "Its racist against guys", you said. As if i didnt just reminded you that feminism by definition is equality between genders. Said that women and men have their roles and need to stick to them. Well, here i am telling you that you failed at the one thing you thought was right. If your definition of being a man is to provide, care and be the strong one in the relationship, you failed miserably. On normal circumstances i wouldnt give you shit for that but since you're you, you deserve to know that by your own definition you are not a man. By mine, youre just a shitty person. It took my a while after our break up to rekindle my love for feminism. To recognize that im not confined by the expectations of a man, or anyone else for the matter. I was even surprised to see that i was stronger and smarter than i let myself be during our relationship but i guess i wanted to let you feel like something youre not. Yes i grabbed that out of crazy rich asians cause ive never related to anything more.

Lets talk about your racism too. Youre constant need to act "black" yet criticism of the people. Cornrows, rap, streetwear, even words that dont belong to you, youd want. I remember the first time i heard you say the n word. It flew out of your mouth like it was nothing. Id applaud you for agreeing to stop saying it but that would be applauding previous idiocy and ignorance as well as the bare minimum. You still refer to immigrant workers with the lowest of terms. Youre still a racist. That i couldnt change.

While were talking about lack of respect, lets talk about family. As a person who spoke of that being the most important thing, you sure do disrespect your parents often. Im no one to judge family dynamics but act on what you preach. Talking shit about your mum is not respect and neither is shouting at her through the phone after she asks you the most basic of questions about YOUR well being. Again, youre a piece of shit.

I could go on and on listing things you might not even realize but its not my job to tell you what you lack. Just in case you were wondering though, its a lot.

Safe to say that i wish i never met you. Some might say "oh but you learned a lot!" but the damage youve inflicted on me is something ill need years to work on yet i know that you walked away with no remorse or lessons.

I hope you grow or rot in hell. Whatever comes first. Point is, stay the fuck away from me.

With utmost disgust,

Y.

[zhuhongs]

When I was growing up I didnt understand why people shared food with others. I shared food with my mom and such, but that was it. I thought that sharing food was something people only did with those super close to them. I never once just considered sharing food with others like many families do.

I grew up as one of the only poor colored kids in a well off white neighborhood. My mom always had this weird complex. That she and the rest of our family "weren't like other Hispanic people" because we "didn't take handouts" and "didn't live like that" whatever that was supposed to mean.  I hate her internalized racism sm... it fucked me up so bad but i’m mostly over it and she is too thank god but that's a whole other issue for another text post) Thus she always ingrained it in me that I don't take food that other ppl are offering me. If a white person tries to give me food, they're probably just pitying me for being the poor girl. And if a poc gives me food, they need it more than I do, I should take it but pay them back later for it. To save face and not cause burden. I never thought twice abt it and it was rarely an issue. Most of my friends were white and their parents always thought it was kind that i offered to pay for my food but never let me. And my friends of color... well i didnt have many. I didnt have many friends growing up that I rlly remember. I was always just weird and quiet. I occasionally brought food on birthdays and got food for others on their birthday. But outside of special occasion I didnt go out of my way to give people food. If I didnt like something I'd give it to someone who did. And if someone was gonna throw something away, I ate it. I never let food go to waste. When I went out with people, I bought my food and they bought theres and we just ate. Nothing else. I never thought anything of it.

I remember a very distinct moment where I started to feel differently. I was in my second semester of university and my dance team was preparing for a performance over spring break. We had been practicing from 9am to 3pm and then decided to go to the mall to get food and just hang out for a bit. My university friend group is like.. notoriously bad at making decisions so I usually make the decisions for them bc theyre all so passive alkfjaslkfjd (THEY ALL HAVE OLDEST IMMIGRANT DAUGHTER OF COLOR SYNDROME like me too omg ik ur a ppl pleser but PICK SMTH, ily them... i’ll stop now) . SO we were deciding where to get food and settled on the food court and we all get what we want. So we did all that and sat a big table together and I just remember everyone putting the food in the middle and getting extra plates so we could take from each we wanted and have a little bit of everything. And at first i was like?? HUH!?? like I got what i wanted bc thats what I wanted and then planned to take my leftovers home to eat at work later that night. And that ended up working out, they could kinda tell that was my intention but ever since then I noticed that that friend group always does that. We all buy different things and share. I really used to find it dumb at first bc its my money and i paid for what i wanted. I didn’t want to take others food and I didn’t rlly want to give them mine. I thought that mentality was universal. I was always kinda on the outside with that group, we never fully meshed but I really wanted to make the effort to be friends with them because I knew it would be rewarding, even if we were just casual friends. And yea idk, just through them I began to kinda unlearn the way I used to feel about sharing food. It’s not about the money, it’s about the connection to others and about giving freely and letting others give to u. But money was always tight as a id. As I’ve started working and making money, thankfully i’ve abandoned this knee jerk reaction.

I read a chapter of a book for highschool english once called “Sharing Food as an Act of Communion” or smth along those lines and I got the concept but didn’t rlly think it was that deep. But in that moment, i started to understand it a lot more. Sharing food and sharing things in general isn’t about the object itself, its about what got u to that point to share something with someone. Due in part to way i was raised as I elaborated on earlier, I really wasn’t a loving or giving person. I was selfish. I was taught to be selfish. Because my parents had that mentality and passed it onto their kids. That was the cutthroat immigrant way of theirs. They were very much “pull yourself up by your bootstraps ppl.” My brother is still like that a bit. It’s very sad sometimes, I’m trying to get him out of it. Baby steps. My mom doesn’t understand why he’s so selfish. One of these days I think i’m going to sit her down and tell her that it’s her own doing. That how she raised us. But I know she doesn’t want to hear it, so for her sake and mine I just agree with her and let the issue pass without incident. I truly believe that kindness and community are the most radical things that humans have. I rlly do. It took me a long time to get there. I used to be so convinced I was better of alone. One man for themselves. I blame my father, i really do.

One time when things were really going to shit with my family, my dad came in my room and asked me how I could be so cruel to him when he was my father, completely unaware of the fact that I had been abused by him my entire life. He just didn’t register it that way bc it wasn’t physical. He said to me “You know Sage, I would expect this from your brother. But you’re a girl . I thought you’d be nicer, more loving and giving.” but it was his own actions that shaped this. And it wasn’t until I had stopped living with him at 18 that I was able to become more like how I am now.

Really, in the past I wasn’t a very nice or loving person. I wasn’t mean either!! I was just passive. A cold lake near a forest. I was nice looking on any surface level, but there was nothing warm or pleasant. A cold lake with jagged rocks underneath. With the help of others i’ve warmed, the rocks eroded down to something you would keep in a collection. I prefer it this way. I’ve healed a bit. I understand now what ppl mean when they say food is a love language. It isn’t one for me yet, but I recognize why it is for others. I get it now.