#but also need to go to bed at a decent time tonight because my sleep schedule Sucks

[themultifandomgal]

Tommy Shelby- His Ballet Girl

I had the idea of Tommy dating someone who is a ballet dancer and one of my followers gave me the idea of Tommy cheating on his wife. This does not represent my beliefs, cheating is horrible

Warnings- Tommy cheating on his wife and reader not caring.

YN has been dancing since she could walk, she feel in love with ballet when her parents took her to her first theatre show. From that moment on YN begged her parents for ballet shoes and lessons.

Now being 29 years old she is now dancing in the same show she first saw, The Nutcracker.

YN sits in the garrison with the Shelby's, who she's known for many years. Even though she was from a different social class she always got on with the brothers and Ada, but she's specifically close with Tommy... very close to Tommy.

YN walks through the garrison to their room. Not knocking she walks in and sits next to Arthur 

"Whisky?"

"No thanks Arthur. Have rehearsal early tomorrow"

"How is it going?" Lizzie asks sitting on Tommys lap. Although YN feels a little jealous, she knows that tonight Tommy will be warming her bed not theirs which puts a smile on YNs face

"Good thank you. Are you guys coming to the first show?" YN asks looking around

"Actually I wanted to ask you for a favour" YN looks at Lizzie "I'm not sure if you know this, but Tommy is throwing me a huge party for my birthday" YN did know because Tommy was in her bed moaning about having to throw this party "and I was wondering if you would perform"

"Of course. Tommy can let me know the date" Tommy sits quietly, he's not uncomfortable with this situation, his wife and his mistress talking

"So YN how's your mystery man?" Esme asks

"He's great. Bought me this" YN shows off her necklace

"When are we meeting this mystery man?" Lizzie asks, oh if she only knew

"Not sure. He needs to leave his wife first" Tommy coughs nudging Lizzie off his lap

"I have to get going if I want to get to London at a decent time"

"Ok. I'll miss you" she leans down and kisses his lips

"Yeah you too" he replies leaving the room

"Well I'm going to head off home" Lizzie says saying goodbye to everyone

"You sure you don't want a drink?" Arthur asks

"No I'm good thank you. I probably should also go home, go to bed early. I'll see you all tomorrow".

"When are you telling her?" YN asks Tommy lying in bed

"Soon. I want to get her birthday out of the way" YN groans "I know your having fun messing with her though. Showing off your necklace"

"Yes but she's sitting on you lap, asking me to dance at her birthday, it's a bit fucked"

"You agreed to do it" Tommy chuckles making YN smile

"Yes because I wasn't going to get invited else and I would love to sneak off with you at some point during the day"

"I'm sure you would" YN yawns interrupting Tommy "tired?"

"Mmm" YN hums

"Go to sleep. I'll be here in the morning" Tommy kisses her forehead.

Weeks later and it's Lizzie's birthday, she's going around bragging about how amazing Tommy is for making this party possible. YN is stretching before performing when Esme walks over to her

"I know who the mystery man is"

"I'm guessing you spoke to the spirits" YN jokes standing up

"Don't be stupid YN. How long have have you and Arthur been sleeping with each other?"

"Arthur!" YN yells getting you "you think I've been sleeping with Arthur?"

"Well you sit next to him every time we're at the garrison, he's always getting you a drink, taking you home"

"I promise you it's not Arthur" YN watches as Tommy walks into the house without Lizzie "I'll be back later Esme" YN follows Tommy into the house looking for him. Suddenly she's pulled into another room by Tommy locking the door behind him. His lips are immediately on YN's smudging her lipstick.

"Who the hell is it Thomas?" Lizzie whisper yells at Tommy while YN is performing. After Tommy and YN's rendezvous Tommy went back to his wife, not knowing their was lipstick on his shirt

"I'm not doing this now Lizzie"

"Not doing... it's my birthday and you've been fucking someone?"

"Lizzie" Tommy sighs rubbing the temples of his head "just enjoy your birthday and we will talk about this tomorrow" Lizzie crosses her arms in a huff and turns to look at YN who's dancing. She notices YN glances in their direction, she looks at Tommy and notices him staring at her. That's when it clicks

"It's her. You fucking bastard Thomas Shelby" Lizzie storms off but Tommy doesn't go after her. He stays to watch YN.

[digitaldiarystuff]

Bad Liar Pt.2

note: hello, it’s me (read it in adele voice) thank you so much for the likes it makes me want to write more enjoyy

————

summary: you are in a long time situationship with pedri and you’re falling more and more everyday hoping he feels the same

pairing: Pedri Gonzalez x Y/N

genre: pure angst

————

You spent the night bawling your eyes out and hugging your best friend for some support. After a couple of hours your tears started drying and you ran a bath to collect your thoughts. Okay, let’s look at the facts, you’ve been around Pedri for months and never noticed a hint of a girlfriend. Sure you weren’t spending every hour of every day but he stayed at your place once or twice a week and you never even saw him pick a phone call with a girl, sometimes you noticed him focused on his phone brows furrowed answering some texts and yeah you thought maybe he was messing around with someone else but never had the courage to ask about it and honestly after a while, you started trusting him. Trusting him seemed like the biggest mistake you’ve ever done. You believed what you had was special and he was in this with you. What a fool you were.

After the shower you just put on some pajamas and went to lie on your bed but before you could even sit down your mind went back to the morning, how he was sleeping like an angel next to you in this bed. Tears were rolling from your eyes uncontrollably. Realizing you couldn’t bear to sleep there you decided to let your friend crash in your room and took the couch instead. She tried arguing but didn’t press too much. She knew you needed space. After some more crying you let sleep take over.

The morning after wasn’t any better, you woke up crying and picked up your phone to see if there was any notifications from him, you hated how weak you were over someone not worthy but you couldn’t be strong right now. The only thing that could heal you was him and he broke your heart to a million pieces. Just thinking about last night made your stomach turn and you ran to the bathroom to vomit, it was your body’s reaction to everything that happened over the last 12 hours, how turned upside down your life was.

He hadn’t texted you, not even a sorry or can we talk. It was like he forgot about you all together. You had a million questions. How long was this going on, did you mean anything to him, who was she, why did she post him last night, did she know about you?

Your friend’s first suggestion was to make him pay, share all his business with the whole world and destroy his quiet shy and kind guy image but she knew you’d never do that, even he’d know you wouldn’t. Then she said the next best action would be to ask him straight up, you could also ask the girl but you don’t think you can handle that confrontation. You’re too angry to do that.

“What should I even say?” you ask her desperately.

“Just say meet me at mine. Don’t make it obvious that you know.”

“What if she’s with her.”

“Oh I hope she’s with her.”

“No, what if he doesn’t respond or says no?”

“Then we go over there.” she answered nonchalantly and shrugged “What? Don’t you think he deserves it?”

“I do, I really do but I’m not confident enough for any big fight.”

“You have to do this or your inner thoughts will eat you up.” you knew she was right.

to PG: can you come to my house?

from PG: i can’t busy day

to PG: okay then just come tonight

from PG: busy again, i’ll tell you when i’m free

You were getting more upset by the second, he didn’t even respect to enough to have a decent conversation with you. He must know how you felt because you never hid it and still, he just didn’t care.

to PG: it’s either you come to me right now or i’ll come to yours to meet your girlfriend

from PG: be there in 30

So that’s how he wanted to play.

Soon after the text you hugged your friend goodbye and started waiting for him and even though you weren’t proud about this, you changed and applied some light makeup. You didn’t want him to see how he broke you. As soon as you heard the knock, you looked at yourself once more and opened it allowing him to come in. You were staring into his soul with a newly found bravery while he averted his eyes. He couldn’t even look at you.

“I’m gonna get some water, do you want anything?” he asked and you were shocked at how he tried to make this normal.

“Sit down Pedro.” he was shocked as you used his name, you’ve never called him Pedro but calling him Pedri wasn’t an option to you anymore.

He said nothing and plopped down on the couch.

“Talk.” you ordered.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“You could start by explaining.”

“Look I’m sorry if you feel some type of way about it but honestly I don’t get why you’re this upset.” you just stared at him in shock. How could he try to minimize the situation?

“What do you mean you don’t understand. You have a girlfriend and I don’t even know for how long, you played me and you’re here trying to say it’s nothing. How can you be so calm right now?” you ask agitated.

“Y/N we both said we didn’t want commitment.”

“Yeah because you already had one, to your girlfriend!” you yelled.

“Pedro how could you keep this from me? If I had known I would’ve never been with you, you don’t love me that’s fine I can live with that but how can you sit there and disrespect your relationship disrespect me? Do you really don’t care at all? After we spent months together, after you confessed to me that I’m the only one you could confide in and trust fully and I shouldn’t have trusted you for a second. Don’t you see how wrecked I am, do you not care about me one bit?” you ask fully crying now. His nonchalance is far worse than anything you could imagine.

“Look, we’ve been on again off again for a year now and I never mentioned it to you because when I was with you, it was off and I didn’t want to talk about it.” he finally showed some emotion and it was annoyance but it’s better than nothing.

“You’re still lying to me. If you were on and off why were you in bed with me twice a week? Does your relationship end that quickly? You cheated on her with me and used me. I never asked to be a part of this, I even wanted to end things early on when I realized I had feelings for you but you didn’t accept it. You came to my door, asking for my forgiveness Pedro. You begged me to take you back and I have, if you really only used me why try to win me back, was it all a game? Did you have fun did you laugh at me?”

“No it wasn’t a game I just, I couldn’t lose you, I knew then and there I just couldn’t but I didn’t know how to explain it and the longer I waited the harder it got. I even tried to get you to leave me but I couldn’t leave you. She was away all the time and you became my rock and I got used to waking up next to you and being with you. Last night she came all of a sudden saying she’s moving here permanently and I just” he sighed and you could see tears forming in his eyes “I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry for everything.”

You looked at him and even though you were so heartbroken, you realized maybe this was the last time you got to speak to him.

“Last night I asked to meet up because I was ready to tell you how I felt, I was going to confess my feelings and ask you a question I was dying to ask.”

He looked up at you fidgeting with your fingers, having difficulty breathing.

“What was it?”

“I was going to ask you if you love me.” you whispered.

His gaze turned to his hands on his knees.

“I would’ve said yes.” his voice was so low you almost didn’t hear him.

“But you can’t today, can you?” you found the courage to look up at him again, already knowing the answer. His mind was made up, if he was going to break up with her, he could’ve done it yesterday but he didn’t. They were a happy, throughly messed up couple and you were nothing more than a side chick.

“I’m sorry.” he said while getting up. “I just, I never wanted to hurt you.” he came in front of you and kneeled down to hold eye contact.

“I’m sorry I’m so sorry” he repeated again and again crying and tried holding your hands. You couldn’t even look at him because you would’ve held his hands and calmed him down. This is the first time he’s full on crying next to you and all you wanted to do is console him, be his anchor but you can’t.

“Please look at me.”

“I can’t, after knowing everything I can’t look at you.” you said. You gazed at your hands covered by his and tried your best to not break.

“What I said to you was never a lie, I never lied about my feelings to you.” he confessed.

“So I should believe you love me when you couldn’t even tell me you had a relationship. It can’t be true if you’re here telling me you’re going back to her. If you loved me just one bit, you’ll let me go Pedro. I can’t be in a situation where I’ve been lied to for months and can’t even trust you.” you said still not looking up.

“I understand.” he said not moving. He didn’t stand up just stood by your knees and held your hand as both of you cried some more.

“I think you should go”

He started getting up but sat next to you on the couch

“Can I hug you goodbye?” he asked in a childlike manner. You said nothing so he decided it was okay. You actually didn’t say anything because you needed his affection one last time. This was wrong but you needed him as much as he needed you. Pedri embraced you in his arms and you put your arms around his neck. You sat there entangled in each other for a few minutes until your mind screamed let go so you did but as he was backing up he held your tear stained cheeks and pressed his lips against yours for the last time and you let him. You couldn’t fight it, you just enjoyed his lips on yours and after that he was gone.

Pedri will always be your the one that got away.

————

note: omg i’m gonna cry at how sad it happened but this relationship is nowhere near ending so if you’re interested please share with me your thoughts and opinions about the story luvs

ALSO, should this story have a good or a bad ending i’m so conflicted please helpp

[heejayy]

Shuri U. || Liar

Warning • swearing, suggestive

Genre • lil angst, fluff

Pairing • Shuri x black Fem! Reader

Word Count: 1.4K

A/n: no this isn’t a toxic Shuri fic I’m not good at writing those so don’t get ur hopes up 😭 also I think i broke my tumblr 🫤

You lay on your bed completely heartbroken. Shuri promised you months ago she’d clear her schedule for a full weekend to come visit you on your birthday, but where is she no where to be seen.

[2 hours ago]

“Sooo” you giggled giddily “you still coming for my birthday?” You smile wider knowing the answer.

“Uh about that usana…I can’t make it, there was an emergency outside of the borders with traffickers and they need me.” Well that wasn’t the answer you were hoping to hear.

“Oh- well are they alright?” You asked sadly but still concerned for their wellbeing.

“They will be. We’ve tracked down the hostages and we will rescue them tonight”

“Well I know you’ll get them home safely, but still I want you to stay safe-“

“Ok sthandwa i have to go love you.”

She’s gsaving lives doing something important and I’m moping over her, was all you could think as you drifted to sleep.

She’s gsaving lives doing something important and I’m moping over her, was all you could think as you drifted to sleep.

She’s gsaving lives doing something important and I’m moping over her, was all you could think as you drifted to sleep.

You woke up exhausted feeling like absolute shit, your eyes were red and swollen and your head ached from crying yourself to sleep but hey it’s not a birthday if you don’t cry at least once.

You checked your phone noticing you slept in late- really late. Your eyes flickered to the date reminding you it was your birthday, the big two-one. You wish you were more excited but you weren’t. You were going to cut class and work to hang out with Shuri but oh wait she wasn’t here.

You lazily put together a decent outfit for the day and finished your morning routine even though it was evening time.

As your mind was preoccupied with other things you walked right out of your dorm room down the hall completely missing Riri.

“Damn I was gonna tell you happy birthday but you act like you didn’t even see me” startled you shook your head turning around.

“Ah shit my bad my mind was elsewhere” she frowned, you guessed she knew.

“Yeah she told me she wasn’t gonna make it I’m sorry boo” you waved her off sighing.

“It’s ‘ight” she nodded taking a second to observe your outfit.

“The fuck are you wearing? It’s your birthday not a damn funeral” she said wearing a disgusted look as she stared at you. You frowned looking down at your outfit, you had on black flared leggings, a black long sleeve shirt with red and black vans.

“What I’m just going to class?!” You whined slightly offended. I might as well try to make it to my last class you thought.

“What the hell?! CLASS?! Y/n we’re going out…like now so go change” she spun you around by your shoulders pushing you to your dorm room.

“But what’s the point of going out? My plans are ruined” you sulked stomping down trying to stop her.

“Just because your lover girl isn’t here” she spoke between grunts trying to get you to budge “doesn’t mean you’re having a shitty birthday. No ma’am not on my watch.”

“Ooh yup I like this one- oh yes this one and…oh that’ll look absolutely amazing together!” You sat on the floor picking at your fur rug watching Riri put together your birthday outfit. As much as you appreciated this you still couldn’t bring yourself to celebrate without your girl.

“Come on y/n/n stand up get ready we don’t have all day!” She yanked you up by your arm throwing a bunch of clothes you forgot you had into your arms.

“Ok so I paired that white body con mini dress you had with that beige coat along with those white thigh high boots… oh my-“ she took a pause placing her hand on her chest pretending to cry “you’re gonna look so fucking good” You rolled your eyes slightly laughing at her being dramatic. As you watched her wonder around your room looking for other accessories a concerning thought popped into your head.

“Ri how’d you even get into this building- wait let alone this campus there are no visitors allowed?” she peered at you puckering her lips.

“I might’ve hacked the security system- but it was only to see my favorite girl for her birthday don’t judge me” She rolled her eyes turning back around to finish finding accessories.

While Riri was in her own little world singing, you stared out the window watching all the street lights blends together.

“Oh my god are you gonna wear that long face all night? Y/n cheer up you’re twenty one you’re finally allowed to drink!” You shook her head at her liveliness.

“I don’t drink” your comment was met with a drawn out ‘Lame’ from her.

She swerved into the parking lot behind a moving line of cars out of curiosity your peered out the window reading the bright lit sign.

“Nobu?! NOBU?! Riri we’re two broke college students you think we can afford Nobu?” She rolled her eyes “just get out” You huffed following her lead as she gave her keys to the valet.

She strutted up to the lady behind the reservation desk “excuse me we’re with Ms. Udaku” the hostess nodded smiling “right this way ma’am”

You followed behind them thinking you’ve lost your entire mind, did she say Udaku? Like Shuri Udaku? My Shuri?!

Your questions were quickly answered when you came to a secluded area of the restaurant, and there waited Shuri sitting with a smirk in her face.

“Surprise!” Riri grinned giving you a big hug, you were so out of it you barely hugged her back.

“Wha- I- Shuri!” Shuri’s smiled grew wider as she stood to greet you. “Sthandwa you’d think I’d truly miss your birthday?” She brought you into a tight loving hug. You missed her hugs, so warm, they felt like home. You wrapped your arms around her loving the feeling of being in her arms again. As she pulled away you caught a scent of her perfume, god you could sniff her all day. She smelled like heaven.

“You know I absolutely hate you guys I can’t believe you lied to me” they both shrugged giggling evilly.

“I can’t lie though Shuri, it was hard I almost gave in a few times I mean she was just so hurt” Shuri pouted at Riri’s confession.

“Awe my usana” Shuri cooed pecking your lips, that peck turned into a full kiss and then Shuri found her hand creeping up your thigh.

“Well that’s my cue love birds, I’ll see you at the hotel we can gift give there. Also thanks for the dinner Shuri” Riri said scurrying away before Shuri could say you’re welcome. You giggled watching her leave, but Shuri gently grabbed your chin bringing your attention back to her.

“Don’t look at other women you’ll make me jealous” she gazed at you with sultry eyes as her thumb grazed your bottom lip. You rolled your eyes not even bothering to fight back a flustered smile.

“Don’t think you’re in my good graces cutie, your sweet words and this tennis bracelet isn’t gonna cut it” you said referring to the gift she gave you when you first arrived. Although you couldn’t lie it was beautiful, it was a vine tennis bracelet from Tiffany and Co. and you were positive it costs a pretty penny.

Shuri tilted her head fake pouting “maybe this’ll make up for it?” you felt her place her slide closer up your thigh, the more it crept closer to your heat the wetter you became. You could feel it soaking through your thin panties you wore. “God you look so sexy tonight” she whispered near your ear sending chills down your back. You haven’t seen her in so long you almost forgot how her touch affected you. As your lips were inches apart, you could feel her breath hitting yours and the more you leaned in the more she pulled away. What a tease.

“Would you like dessert to go?” You snatched back looking up at the waitress. She wore a small smirk holding a tray as she piled your dishes on. You blinked rapidly feeling your entire body heat up with embarrassment, damn you forgot where your were.

“Yes please” Shuri calmly answered as if nothing happened. The waitress gave a smile nodding “I won’t take too long.” She winked leaving.

“Oh I so hate you” you muttered still flustered from her.

She chuckled “No you don’t.”

Shuri Masterlist

©heejayy 2023 — any reposts outside of tumblr or translations of my works are strictly prohibited unless granted permission 🤍

Borders- @firefly-graphics

[bemysinphony]

Are you feeling this too?

pairing: txt taehyun x f!reader

genre: os, au, fluff, smut

summary: when your attraction to him becomes unbearable and you fail to hide it, he has a surprise in store for you...

warnings under the cut!

warnings: beomgyu makes an appearance (but he's not part of the smut), friends-to-lovers, irony, tae is a bit of a know-it-all, they both have a thing for hands (quirofilia), they are veeeeery much down bad for eachother, cursing, mutual masturbation, handjob, thigh-riding, fingering, praising.

word count: 3,3k

notes: in case you haven't already noticed, I'm a big fan of friends-to-lovers 😋 this has been in my drafts for wayyy too long, I can't believe it's finally seeing the light! I kept editing it so many times because I was never satisfied enough (damn perfectionism), so I hope the final result is decent 😭 enjoy <;3

You two knew eachother for some years now and were the most comfortable with one another. You shared almost anything with no worries or embarrassment, as well as feeling a special kind of excitement everytime you had something you needed to talk about and knew the other was going to be there to listen without judgement.

Taehyun was a bit of a know-it-all sometimes and he loved to use that side of his personality especially to tease you, but that didn't stop him from validating your thoughts and feelings, however unrational they might be. And he found relief in you, who helped him to not think too rationally like he did most of the time. You balanced each other quite well, that's why you worked like a match made in heaven.

Same could have been said about your clingyness: you both needed your own space and individuality, but, when you felt like it, you were ready to cuddle the other until satisfied.

Neither of you could have predicted that this level of comfort would have extended even to sleeping together in the same bed though.

Lately, whenever you two hang out at night with your shared group of friends and you were too tired or drunk to go back to your apartment, as he was to accompany you, he started offering you to stay at his place, which was closer to the centre of the city. Not giving it much thought, you simply turned collapsing onto his mattress into an habit.

Last night was one of those nights: you checked out a new bar with your friends, the dishes were delicious, as well as the drinks, reason why it was easy to drink a bit more than usual.

"Looks like you'll come with me tonight as well" Taehyun stated, holding your waist to help you stand up. It was so unfair that he held his liquor so well and better than you.

As usual, Beomgyu teased you both about the situation: "At this point, I'm so sure they've been doing a lot more than just sleeping... when are you guys going to confess the truth to us, uh?"

"Shut up, Gyu" you mumbled annoyed.

"Let's go, he's just envious" Tae retorted, nodding to the group to greet them.

"I'm not envious! I'm not!" Beomgyu's shouted at your back, accompanied by the laughs of the others.

The last thing you remembered was slipping into the warm covers of Taehyun's bed, all clean up and ready to collapse and sleep for hours.

"Are you comfortable?" he made sure, pushing a strand of hair out of your face.

You groaned in affirmation, deeply inhaling his perfume that permeated the sheets, something that never failed to relax you.

"Goodnight then" he wished you.

"You too Tae" you grumbled before falling asleep, too tired to give any importance to the feeling of being stared at.

When you open your eyes on the half light of the bedroom the morning after, you rise your head to look at his soft sleeping face, following his features as if you were tracing them with your fingers. Honestly, it was also very much unfair how pretty he was and that you only got to look at him like that when he wasn't aware of it. You sigh softly and your gaze lands on his slightly parted lips.

The faint memory of the dream you had falls upon you all at once, making your cheeks flush. Did you really dreamed about fucking him? Again? And this time while you were sleeping in his bed, with him in it ? This was getting out of hand. How were you supposed to keep a straight face while looking at him now?

At first you kept telling yourself that having these type of thoughts about him was just caused by the curiosity that your friends' comments sparkled... but when you started to linger your gaze on him, feeling attracted to his body and the way he moved, until you fantasized of kissing and touching him, you understood that, no, it definitely wasn't just that at all.

You were terrified by the idea of ruining your precious friendship, of losing your best friend, just because of lust. Just the thought itself felt like losing oxygen. And yet you couldn't help your feelings that only kept on growing. What a cliché.

You try to get up without waking him up, moving slowly outside the covers, but the mattress betrays you, squeaking as you shift your weight. He stretches and blinks to adjust to the light, serene and unaware, while you freeze on the spot, still sitting on the mattress, blushing even more if possible.

When he looks at you he immediately notices: "Hey, are you okay? Do you have a fever?" He gets up quickly, worried. His raspy morning voice definitely wasn't of help.

"N-no, no, i'm fine" you manage to say.

To make sure he reaches out to touch your forehead anyway, causing a rush of chills running down your back. "Okay, you don't" he sights in relief.

"That's what I told you!"

"Why are you blushing this hard then?"

"It's nothing, it's just hot, I need a shower..." you want to get up and find refuge in the bathroom, but you can’t bring yourself to move. You feel your panties getting wet and instinctively push your legs closer together.

Shit.

He glances down at your sudden movement, understanding what was going on: "Oh, I see... you're horny" he smiles amused, "so, your plan was to get off in my shower?"

"I was just gonna take a cold shower!" Your heartbeat quickes at the thought of him imagining you touching yourself. You wonder if he has ever done it, but you immediately chase the thought away.

"Yeah, sure..." he mocks you, a playful smirk on his lips. "I am too right now, so... nothing to be embarrassed about"

"Wait- right now? Are you...?"

"Uhm, yeah, I'm hard right now" he frowns, confused by your surprise, "I was going to, you know, take care of it... while you're in the shower."

"W-well, now we can't do that."

"Why is that?"

Your eyes widened. Was he for real? Was he trying to act bold, pushing your buttons to see how you'd react?

"Do you seriously want to get off at the same time, in different rooms, while being aware of it?" You point out the obvious.

"Would you rather get off here? Together ?"

Was he joking or was he provoking you? And if the latter was true, why? Was he attracted to you as well? And if so, was he trying to find out how you felt about it? No, that couldn't be... those were just your delusional fantasies... right? You look away and blush even more if possible.

He registers your reaction and this time he fully blushes as well, thinking it's an affermative answer to his question: "Wait- seriously? Would you like that?"

This wasn't what you meant, but it wasn't wrong either: you do want that, him, with every fiber of your body.

You don't understand how he feels about it, what's behind his embarrassment and surprise, so maybe this is the time to address the elephant in the room once and for all and find out. You feel the panic growing quickly inside your chest as you say, "What if... what if I did?"

He looks you dead in the eyes and swallows.

Surely he's searching for the right words to reject you, to tell you that he wouldn't, that you are just a friend for him and that the way he's been staring at you is because of the affection he-

"I'd like that too" he admits. The cool and chill facade is crumbling before your eyes, piece by piece. "I... I fantasised about it. About you."

You can't believe what your ears have just heard. Is this happening for real or it's just a very vivid dream?

"You did?"

"Yeah... of course" he shakes his head, "I mean, I don't know, these days I feel very attracted to you so it just came naturally to imagine how it would feel... to do it with you" he looks down, the fiery red tips of his ears sticking out. Now that he's letting his vulnerability take over he's so cute. It's a pity that you don't get to see this side of him as often as you'd want to. You want to kiss him so bad.

"Has this happened to you?" He finally asks.

"Yeah..." you bite your lip out of anxiety "I am very attracted to you Tae... I've been for a while now and... recently it's been difficult to not mind it at all. Like, very difficult..."

"Fuck..." he lets out inadvertently.

"Yeah, exactly" you let out a nervous giggle and his eyes widens.

"Should we...?"

"Would you like that?"

"Damn if I'd like that. You? Would you?"

"Definitely, yes" you confirm.

Still a little uncertain and awkwardly, you both move closer to eachother, looking forward to the touch you've been craving all this time.

Your first kiss begins sweet and tender: your fingers run through his soft hair that you have always loved very much, while he's smiling on your lips and caressing your cheek.

When you give his tongue access to your mouth things get heated. He instinctively moves his hands to your waist to bring you closer, his fingers starts lingering over the bare skin of your back, just above the elastic of the sweatpants. When you release a soft moan and tug his hair, that drives him completely nuts: he's been dying to know what kind of sounds you make.

"Fuck, that was pretty. Do it again please."

"I need you closer... can I?" He nods eagerly while getting rid of the covers, you waste no time and sit on his lap. Feeling his hardening pushing against your core despite the fabric is heavenly, the string of moans escaping your lips prove it.

"You're music for the ears... whatever I've listened to until now can't even compare"

Your heart beats even faster at the compliment, threatening to burst out of your ribcage. How are you going to survive this? You're just getting started and you're both a mess already.

Your fingers run to the hem of his shirt, removing it to reveal his beautiful toned body for you to explore like you've been craving to do. You trace the muscles of his shoulders and arms he's so proud of have been enhancing, and leave sloppy kisses all over his chest.

"Are we really doing this?" His breathing is hard and irregular.

"Do you want to stop? Cause we can, anytime" you raise up to look into his eyes in search of any proof of doubt.

"No, I just can't believe it's happening" His soft smile contrasts with his lust-filled gaze. "Do you?"

"Not at all."

You start moving your hips slowly against his, making him let out a groan of pleasure. When you fasten your movements he throws his head back. "God, y/n..."

"Tell me what you imagined me doing to you"

"No, but-"

"What? Did I do something wrong?" You stop in your tracks.

"No, fuck no, this is great" he reassures you, "it's just that- I should take care of you first, you're the one that-"

"But you are going to, silly. Now answer my question."

"I..." he looks down where your bodies are closer, then reaches for your hand and kisses each knuckle tenderly. You hold your breath as butterflies invade your stomach. "I thought about your pretty hands around me"

You move to stroke the bulge covered by his underwear a couple times and watch him struggle to hold back his own moans, before getting rid of it. You stop for a moment to take in what your eyes are seeing: he has a nice shape and length, you can't wait to discover how he feels.

Meanwhile, he begins to worry about you being disappointed or regretting your decision: "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just never saw you like this and wanted to take a proper look at you... you're pretty, you know?"

Surprised and pleased, he lets out an "oh" that turns into a loud moan when you start palming him.

"Does it feel good?" Your chest is filling with pride.

He's already humming approvingly and instinctively bucks his hips into your hand. "You're so good..."

"As good as you imagined?" You tease him.

"Not even close... so much better"

You really need some contact as well and you squirm over him.

"Use my thigh" he proposes, gripping your hips. Loving the idea, you shift to have his left thigh between your legs and start rubbing your pelvis. His muscles flexe beneath you and the fabric creates an amazing friction.

You stroke his skin faster, circling the tip with your thumb, resulting in him bringing an hand over his face: "Shit, I'm close already..." he mumbles.

"It's okay, come for me" your voice sweet like honey, "I want to see your lovely face though..." and you gently take his hand away, locking eyes with him just in time before thick, white ropes start covering his stomach. His face contorts in pleasure and only groans leave his lips, that are eager and desperate when they take yours in a rough kiss.

"That was... way too good" he sighs, "I'm sorry I didn't last long..."

"Don't say that", you reach for the tissue box on his nightstand, "you were so excited of having my hands all over you, it was so hot." You lick your lips, passing him the tissues to clean himself up.

"It's your turn now" he moves closer to your ear and starts leaving a trail of pecks down your jaw. "What did you imagine?"

"I- uhm... well... I'm actually in this state because I- I did have a wet dream tonight..." You look away, your cheeks are burning again.

"Oh, you did?" You recognise from his tone that a smug smile is certainly tracing his lips, "Was I involved?"

You nod, finally revealing where this all thing started. "You were playing with my boobs..."

"Was I?" He starts rubbing your nipples through the thin fabric of the shirt, making you whimper.

"God, I love the sounds you make too much." He frees you from it and admires your body like you did before with him. "You... your shapes..." he starts kissing and massaging your breasts, "...are so gorgeous..."

You look at him working your skin and intertwine your fingers with his locks once again, pulling a little everytime he licks the right place the right way.

"And then you went down..." you continue to guide him.

"Of course" he starts kissing your stomach, slowly descending.

It was taking too long and you couldn't take it anymore. "I seriously need you between my legs. Right now." You rush him.

"How exactly do you need me?" He looks up at you and that's so hot of him, you swear you could pass out.

"Your fingers..."

"Seems like we both have a thing for hands, uh?" He lets out a giggle detaching his lips from your skin. He guides you to lay down before removing your thin sweatpants. The darkened spot in your panties is so wide now, his fingers linger over the damp cotton.

"Stop teasing..." you complain.

"You're right, you had to wait this long to take care of me..." he finally gets rid of the only piece of clothing left and takes a look at you, mesmerised. His fingers runs through your folds, his digits circle your opening. "How are you so pretty?"

The first finger enters you easily, shortly followed by the second one. You gasp for air when he curls them, the sensation of finally having him inside of you burning in your chest, waves of pleasure crossing your body. As soon as he starts pounding, you buck your hips to get him as deep as possible.

"Look at you... this is so much better than anything I could ever imagine." Feeling how warm and tight you were around him was simply delicious.

"Faster, please..." you ask gripping the sheets and he immediately begins to thrust with more vigour, his other hand on your knee to keep your legs open.

You start clenching around him and feel your clit pumping looking for some attention as well, thus you reach for it, rubbing your digits in a circular motion.

"God, you're so hot like this" he grunts while your juices drip into his palm, "I can't believe I'm watching you touching yourself for real."

You slightly lean forward to get a better view of his veiny hand and your mouth goes agape. You've always been enamored with his hands, seizing the opportunity everytime you two felt cuddly to caress and play with them, but this... this was a whole another level.

"Tae, fuck, I'm almost there, keep going"

"Whenever you want baby, let yourself go" he breathes out, making a last effort to keep his pace steady.

You feel your orgasm exploding in your chest and spreading all over your body, leaving behind a prolonged moan to delight him.

He's out of breath, his fingers slowly slip out of you and he waits for you to look at him again.

You're panting but you get up and smile at him: "Okay, now explain how are you so great? You definitely rank number one for fingering."

"Thanks for confirming the suspicions I had about my abilities." He says gaining a roll of eyes from you.

His digits still shine with your juices so you lean close enough to lick them clean, surprising him.

"I'm going to grow a boner again at this rate"

"I wouldn't mind it" you run your fingers on his chest and bring him closer to you.

He tucks some tufts of hair behind your ears and scans your face, focusing on every little detail. In this moment you are both asking yourself the same question: is it just lust or there's something else you're both feeling for eachother?

When you indulged in imagining the two of you confessing, you definitely didn't picture this situation as one of the possible scenarios. Yet, here you are. "What do we do now?" you break the silence.

"I think the most logical thing to do is to not panic and see where this takes us."

"That's such a 'you' response" you wrinkle your nose, and the word 'cute' invades his mind.

"Am I wrong though?"

"Ah, you're so annoying" you snort, not wanting to give him the pleasure of agreeing with him, and lay down.

"I know you know I am" he lays on top of you, crossing his arms over your stomach and resting his chin there. "What do you suggest?"

"We've been friends for years now, right?" you start playing with his hair, "many of our friends have been teasing us about how similar to a couple we look, considering how comfortable we are with eachother..."

"The affection was already there"

"Exactly" you nod, "and now attraction joined..."

"In conclusion, you think we are in love already, even if we don't think so yet"

You're taken aback by his response, especially because of the use of the words "in love", but yes, that was what you were aiming for. "Maybe? We should find out."

He giggles, "you just explained what I meant earlier."

"God, I hate you" You let out frustrated, covering your face with your hands to hide the big smile that's actually painting it.

"No, you don't" he gets closer and removes them.

"I truly don't" you admit, moving your eyes to his lips and viceversa.

"Good, because me neither." He's still holding your hands when he kisses you slowly and softly, in a way too romantic manner for you to still be "just friends".

"When he will find out, Beomgyu is never going to let this down."

"Shhh don't make me think about it yet!" You frown, before joining his laugh.

[lascapigliata]

.

wasted all my time in therapy talking about how bad i am at therapy then did my stupid yoga class and cried at the end bc like an idiot i was like trying to Connect To My Body, awful idea, remembered to take my stupid New meds because i fucked myself up by being so noncompliant, then managed to get a little work done, and just as i was thinking maybe i'll actually go to sleep early or something i saw another FUCKING BUG one of those house centipedes that i KNOW are pretty isolated i KNOW only feed on other bugs i KNOW won't hurt me and it doesn't matter at all bc i kill everything and so now it's dead but it was on the door to my laundry machine and then crawled to thE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR so i opened it and killed it but like idk why it never occurred to me that things could cross that door!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have to do laundry tomorrow, how am i going to go in there????

i have always said that when i'm not otherwise depressed the phobia is the worst thing for my SI and here we go again. i don't see a way out of this. if one (1) incident with ants can send me into such a spiral that i'm literally acting like i did back in boston at my worst and forcing myself to stay awake and being too afraid to go in my room because i think there must be bugs there because i haven't been there in a few days like what was the point of any of this and what IS the point of any of this. NOT ONLY do i feel like there's no escape here but i also wasted a year and a half and tons of money and time and everything just to sink back into one of the more humiliating times of my life. i don't want to say i want to die but like i do i can't keep doing This and i don't want to do yet more exposure therapy i did SOmu ch and i worked SO hard even if it was all, apparently, a total waste

and i just have no idea how i'm going to sleep tonight, anywhere. here or in my bed. like i just want to procrastinate sleeping, which has been part of the problem this whole time, bc i'm scared of nightmares et al and if i just force myself to stay awake then i'll pass out at 5 and be really tired and hopefully jsut not dream, which is a decent method except it probably is exacerbating the anxiety and this is what i mean it's just a cycle

and this is something that i should be putting in my jounral anyway bc i keep saying to post this super personal stuff here less so i don't add the layer of needing validation to these breakdowns but something about the idea of writing this down feels even more humiliating somehow probably bc i WON'T get any validation except like, i know if i press post and like two (wonderful, i appreciate you) people like it it won't feel satisfying either bc the ONLy thing that will just feels like having this NOT HAPPEN IN THE FIRST PLACE and i don't know how to do that because I THOUGHT I ALREADY DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[charcoalhawk]

Don’t go where I can’t follow

What scares Tucker the most, after everything, was that he hadn’t even known anything was wrong.

Truce gift for @phan-pheeking-tastic, ended up going with Tucker and Sam finding out Danny is half-ghost in a No-One Knows AU.

This was super fun to do, hope you enjoy!

What scares Tucker the most, after everything, was that he hadn’t even known anything was wrong.

He had thought, with how close he and Danny were, how close they had been, that he would have known if something had happened to him. To his family.

But he hadn’t. Neither had Sam.

When he wakes up that day there’s no dread, no forbording feeling in gut. Heck, Tucker wakes up pretty happy.

It’s the last day of school before winter break, and he and Sam have plans to play as much Doom as possible so they can hopefully beat it before the new year. There’s rumors that anyone who can will be able to access new dlc content that otherwise won’t be available until at least the summer.

Some small part of him is even happy that Danny isn’t in town this week, meaning he and Sam can hang out without things getting awkward.

And Tucker hates thinking like that. Danny was his best friend for a long, long time, but ever since high school started the two of them had slowly drifted apart. Which he does understand, on some level. They’re not five years old anymore playing together on the playground.

But Danny had become so aloof with them, barely interacting with them in class and showing up late to hang out, if he even showed up at all.

And it couldn’t have been because of their new undead neighbors that now haunted the town. After the first like, month, Phantom had proved he was a decent enough ghost that most people didn’t really have to worry about malicious undead any more than they had to worry about overdue homework.

He and Sam have just finished fighting the second to last boss in Doom when there’s a knock on his door. A quick glance at his computer’s clock shows that it isn’t even 11pm yet, so it can’t be his parents telling him to start winding down to go to sleep. It’s also winter break now, so why-?

After a second his Dad’s face peeks through the door, his form backlit by the hallway lights. He thinks he sees his mom too, but after a moment she seems to briefly lay her hand on his father’s shoulder then disappear from view.

“Hey kiddo,” it's hard to tell what his dad is thinking at that moment, and his voice sounds carefully neutral, “are you at a good stopping point for the night? I need to talk with you about something serious.”

He goes to share a glance at Sam but she’s already getting up from her desk.

“Hey Tuck,” Sam’s voice is muffled from her starting to remove her headphones, “I think I’m going to have to call it quits for tonight. My parents just came in and said they need to talk about something important. Hopefully tomorrow we can start planning for the final boss. I’ll text you later, night.”

“Sounds good,” he replies, quickly saving and logging out to the main screen, “night.”

And with that the room is washed in silence. After a second of hesitation his Dad reaches over and flips on the room’s overhead light, moving to sit on the bed across from his gaming set-up.

“Soooo…” Tucker prompts, “what’s up? You said you needed to tell me about something serious?”

His dad doesn’t respond immediately, taking a deep breath before slowly reaching out to rest his hand on Tucker’s shoulder.

“Tucker,” his father looks so sad, “there’s been an accident, a- an attack. Danny’s mom is in a coma.”

———

It takes almost a week to fully find out what happened.

The Fenton’s had been visiting a family friend in Wisconsin, apparently Vlad Masters had gone to college with Danny’s parents, and had invited them all to his mansion for the weekend. It had also been rumored that Mr. Masters had been experiencing some supernatural events that he had wanted Maddie and Jack to help him solve, and with how fanatic the two were around ghosts they had obviously been eager to help in any way they could.

And it had turned out that the rumors had been true, and at least one violent ghost had attacked the mansion the following evening.

Here the details get murky.

Some reports say a single ghost was responsible for the attack, and only the Fenton’s weapons and skill saved everyone from being killed by the vengeful spirit. Others claim it was two ghosts having a territory spat that just so happened to happen in the mansion. Some even claim Phantom drove off the raging ghost and stopped more injuries from occurring.

Number of ghosts aside, the attack had destroyed almost a third of the Masters’ Mansion, and had left most of the staff with injuries from debris or from the ghosts themselves. Danny and Jazz had apparently escaped the worst of it because their parents had gotten them out early on and the two had hidden in the nearby woods until authorities arrived.

Jack had gotten a nasty concussion and broken two ribs fighting off the ghost(s), and Maddie had suffered some kind of mental or physical trauma that left her comatose.

Vlad Masters’ was missing, no one had seen him directly prior to the attack, and afterwards it was like he had just up and vanished.

————

He and Sam stand outside the Fenton house for almost a full minute before Sam seems to find the courage to knock. Two long, followed by two fast and one long, the same combination they’ve all used since they were little kids.

The silence afterwards is thick, and just as Sam is raising her hand to knock again there’s a series of clanking sounds as the locks are undone and the door opens to reveal Jasmine Fenton.

“Oh, hey there,” she gives a small smile, “I’m glad you two are here. Danny is upstairs in his room, we’re all pretty shaken up from what happened, having you two visit should help.”

“How is- how are you holding up?” Tucker asks as they move through the hallway into the living room, a place that’s both so familiar and yet alien, he half expects Danny to be leaning over the staircase inviting them upstairs to his room.

“It’s, I’ve been holding it together,” Jazz says, “I’ll probably be staying here at least until Dad’s ribs are better, luckily all my professors are pretty accommodating and will be letting me attend virtually until I can head back to college. I’m… really scared for my mom, but I trust that she’s getting the best care possible and that she’ll wake up soon.”

Jazz gestures towards the stairs, “Danny’s in his room, call me if you guys need anything. I was actually just about to head over to the Hospital, Dad should be getting discharged today, so we should be back in a few hours.”

With one last smile Jazz heads back the way they came and there’s the sound of the front door opening and closing.

“Should we really be doing this?” Tucker finally breaks the silence, glancing towards the staircase as if Danny will suddenly appear there.

“Honestly I don’t know, but it’s too late to go back now. If we leave Jazz will just ask Danny when she gets back and then we’ll be the assholes who left without saying anything.”

Damn, Tucker hates it when Sam uses logic like that.

“Yeah but it’s just, I don’t think we’ve had a full conversation with him in the past month. It feels wrong to just drop in now when he’s hurting like this.”

“Well it’s not like Dash or Paulina is going to just waltz by and offer to go comfort him,” Sam’s mouth twists into a grimmance, “and Valerie’s probably too busy investigating the attack to try and find the ghosts who did this.”

Tucker can’t argue with that, they really are the closest ones to Danny. Still, it feels wrong to walk up those steps and knock on Danny’s bedroom door like nothing in the past two years has happened.

There’s no immediate answer, but after a second series of knocks there’s the sound of bare feet on hardwood before the door opens slightly, just enough for Danny’s tired blue eyes to peek out.

“Hi,” Danny’s voice is hoarse, “uh, no offense but why are you two here?”

“We uh-,” Tucker shares a glance with Sam, “we wanted to check in on you. I know we aren’t all as close anymore but we wanted to at least see if you were ok in person and see if there was anything we could do.”

That sounded a lot better in his head, but Danny isn’t slamming the door on them, so there’s that. After a moment the door opens fully and he and Sam cautiously walk inside as Danny moves to lean against the far wall.

“I, thanks for coming over?” He seems to almost hug himself, looking anxiously around the room. “I don’t know if your parents put you up to this, or worse Jazz, but you guys don’t need to hang around out of some sense of obligation.”

“We came because we wanted to Danny!” Sam exclaims, “we’re still your friends and, and we care about you! This is obviously traumatizing and we want to help you-“

“You guys don’t understand!” Danny snarls at them. Apparently what Tucker had thought was anxiety was in fact anger.

“You think I’m some scared kid trying to come to terms with an unfortunate accident. Well I’m not!”

Danny’s eyes almost seem to glow in response to his heated words, which doesn’t make any sense. Humans eyes don’t glow, the only thing close to that that Tucker has seen happens when ghosts-

“It was my fault!”

With that last shout there’s a brilliant flash of white, and when Tucker can finally blink the spots out of his vision he finds he can’t quite comprehend what he sees before him.

“I hurt her! I was trying to stop that stupid ghost from hurting my Dad and I ended up almost killing my mom!”

Danny’s too long sweatpants and pullover have been replaced with a glowing hazmat suit, and what’s left standing before them is Phantom, the town’s own ghostly hero. The town’s very young, very dead hero.

“What?”

Sam sounds like she’s just been gut punched, and Tucker doesn’t feel much different.

Everyone in Amity Park knows that Phantom is one of the friendlier ghosts that now haunt them, even dealing with the rowdier ones that try to interfere with day to day human life.

But everyone also agrees that Phantom can be downright terrifying most of the time. The simple fact that he looks all of thirteen makes most residents uncomfortable at best.

Trying to understand that Danny and Phantom are one in the same is almost too much for him, but looking the ghost dead in the eyes now the similarities between the two are overwhelming.

He can see Danny in the way the ghost is hunched like he’s about to collapse onto himself, and he can see Phantom in how his stance is planted and ready to move in a moment's notice.

“It’s-“ and here Phantom's voice breaks, “it’s my fault.”

And with that soft admission the dam finally breaks, and Phantom crumbles to the floor, back heaving as great sobs wrack his body.

In that moment Tucker’s body seems to almost move on to own, moving almost in tandem with Sam to crouch down and envelop Danny in a tight hug.

“I’m sorry that happened,” Sam whispers into Danny’s hair, “I wish you could have told us when this happened so we could have helped. But we know now. We’ll help you however we can, and I’m sure your mom will be better in time.”

Sam sounds so sure of what she’s saying, Tucker can’t even bring himself to speak. Whatever happened to Danny, whatever he’s been doing these past two years, has changed him.

All Tucker can do is tighten his grip, a promise that he hopes he can keep.

[v-lynx-2]

Midnight with you.

Jake x mc

Putting an insomniac hacker to bed isn't an easy task as mc came to believe.

First thing mc tried to educate him on the importance of sleep over the phone sending him articles, screenshots, videos, but it didn't seem to work as she would text him few hours after midnight and he is still there.

Second try, mc tried to help him manage his time, maybe he has so much to do that he had no time to sleep..

____________________________________________

Mc : what are you so busy with lately ?

Jake : for now I'm setting up my equipment in a different location.

Mc : um.. Jake.. isn't this usually a secret kind of info?

Jake : in case anyone reading our chat ?

Jake : I guarantee you, it's so unlikely to happen.

Mc : okay so when are you going to do that ?

Jake : by morning I will reach the new location, but please mc, you can sleep.

Jake : you don't have to keep me company that late, picking up my bad habbits won't do you any good.

Mc : but !

Jake : No.

Mc : look, you really need some help with time management, you can tell me your plans and I can help you organize them for you.

Jake : why ? Everything is working just fine.

Mc : just fine? You barely get any sleep !

Jake : don't worry, you get some sleep.

Mc : Jake ..

Jake : goodnight mc, you need not worry about me.

<Jake is now offline>

Mc : 🙄

__________________________________________

Saying third time is the charm, mc tried again.

This time she prepared everything for the sole purpose of getting him to sleep few decent hours at least.

Dimming the lights, big dinner, warming some milk, setting up the right room temperature, fluffing up the pillows and spraying a little bit of lavender essential oil on them and a warm bath, mc vowed that today would be the day this hacker gets some sleep.

Usually, when mc invites him over, he would stay around for a movie, sometimes dinner but never too long, not this time though.

_____________________________________________

Jake : I have brought the movie you picked with me.

Mc : cool !

Jake : also a little something I hope you like.

Mc : awwww Jake 💖

Jake : ;)

_____________________________________________

The movie was boring, Jake barely kept his eyes open, it was all going according to plan, mc picked this movie specifically for this.

" oh thank you" said Jake, as mc gave a mug of warm milk and honey and came back to cuddle with him, it felt so nice and comfy he could feel himself getting even more sleepy, that's when he suddenly stood up.

" hey what's wrong? "

" it's getting late.., I have to go " he said looking at his backpack by the table.

" you know you can stay the night, right ?"

" I can't"

" who says? " mc asked

" I do, I have things to do "

" this late ? Jake.. is there a problem? "

" No, I just.. let's talk later, okay? "

" Nope, whatever you are working on, can wait" mc said folding her arms.

" cute, job calls mc, you know that I usually do all my work-"

" at night, yes, I get it, we can't cuddle because you think that you can't put your projects aside for once, yeah cool " mc said going to her bedroom and closing the door behind her.

Nothing is going according to plan.

She just wanted him to have some rest, his lifestyle is really unhealthy, she just wanted to help.

Mc hears knocking on the door.

" mc, I wasn't planning to stay tonight.. but-"

Mc opens the door to let him in

" but ? "

" don't expect much sleep." A smirk escaped his lips as he came closer to the bed, mc blushed.

" um I ... Well, don't worry, I prepared a relaxing bath for you"

" oh for us? How lovely, I'm afraid I didn't bring a spare change of clothes"

" I took care of that " said mc proudly.

" good job, mc" he said taking her face in his hands " always being so efficient " he said bringing his face closer " I was right about you "

Mc's face is burning as he leans in and whispers

" good girl"

Trying not to faint she looks up to see his smirk

" very well, shall we ? " He said opening the door for her.

Mc stood there thinking, she didn't plan this, it's not according to plan but somehow... it's better.

" getting too shy ? Perhaps you can go first-"

" No.. I don't need a bath actually" mc said trying to hide her face " but.. "

" now now, look at me and tell me what you want"

Struggling to meet his eyes, mc managed to do so barely.

" I do want to join you but.. I wanted you to relax and .."

" I would be more relaxed with you" he said giving mc a soft smile as she joined him.

Cuddling behind her in the bath " you planned all this today to help me relax, didn't you? "

Mc nods her head.

" I appreciate that, mc, I really do"

" aww no problem"

" I don't remember the last time I did this.. "

" chilling? Yeah I don't think you did that before"

" haha, you could be right " he laughed softly.

" .. I mean considering your situation and all ..sorry i-" mc said as she remembered what he said about his past.

" it's okay "

Few minutes of silence go by, which Jake seems to be comfortable in but mc on the other hand thinking she might have ruined the mood.

" Jake.. you are freelancing for now right? "

" right, but don't worry about that, I've been working towards financial stability as for the next job I'm planning to- "

" just saying don't overdo it, get some sleep ! You are human !! "

" ah well.. I think I'm used to this"

" living on the edge, huh"

" it's quite exciting sometimes it's too dangerous but with high risk comes high reward "

" sure as long as you don't play hero by yourself and let me help"

" I don't recommend, I don't think it's an area of your interest"

Mc turns to face him, leaning with her hands on his chest . " Come on, after what we went through, you know I can help "

Lost in her eyes, he put his hand behind her back to pull her closer. " I know you can, I would rather not have you go through constant stress "

" it wasn't all stress, you know, we made friends"

" You made friends" Jake corrected her

" nahh, Dan definitely likes you"

He chuckles and turns to kiss mc on her nose.

" Phil is also back running the aurora bar, maybe we can go grab some drinks? "

" unless the aurora is under new management, I'm not interested in going there, would you like black swan instead? "

" haha sure, anything but there huh "

" i would rather take you to a place that has more class "

" like the Chinese restaurant across the motel you stayed at " mc said smirking

" yes but not exactly..."

" hm ? "

" let's leave the bath first, I will explain"

Mc brought them towels and gave him a change of clothes and started to get dressed.

Sitting on the bed shirtless he started to explain

" I'm planning to take you some place better, the plan is still under development and I don't know if you would like it "

" like take to me on a better date? "

" that too. "

" hm i still don't get it "

" wait here "

Mc went to sit on the bed as he went to the living to grab his bag.

He sits leaning on the headboard with his laptop, mc sitting next to him and he went through it and opened the file named ' new folder ' (yes, new folder, he didn't name it, he is allowed to be lazy sometimes XD)

" this reminds me of back then, when we used to look for clues in the pictures together" said mc.

" yes, but this is better"

" yeah, more comfy and all, do you like lavender? It sure is relaxing"

" oh this is lavender, yes it is quite nice, now, tell me, what do you think? "

" well this looks like a nice apartment, is this the 'new location' you were moving to? " Mc asked

" yes, exactly. I have been making sure it's secure enough to guarantee our safety, I say it's a catch considering it's location in the city " Jake explained as he kept showing mc the apartment from different angles

" wait wait wait! Our ? You mean like.. you and me? "

Mc looks at him in shock, is this what he was so busy planning for ?

" yes "

" moving in together? ?"

" finally, yes, unless you don-"

" should I pack my stuff ? "

" absolutely "

She went in for a tight hug he had to put the laptop down and pulled her closer

" I'm so glad you like "

" it's the best thing I've ever seen ! "

" I must say I quit like the design myself but I couldn't stay there one night, it's missing one thing "

" what ? "

He pulled the covers over them and hugged mc closer.

" this "

Jake said kissing her cheek.

" aren't you quite the romantic? "

" says the one who planned all of this"

" yeah what about it ! "

" I love it "

" I love you"

" I love you more "

_____________________________________________

Jake : I never slept that great in my life

Mc : same tbh

Jake : we should sleep together often ;)

Mc : 🤭

_____________________________________________

Finally, mc has managed to at least add more hours of sleep to his schedule, nothing is impossible!

The end

( I didn't spell check for errors, sorry, bye)

[lightadarttomendyourheart]

this weekend i found myself feeling close to my time when i lived in warsaw. when i'd spend the weekends alone in my flat, drinking alone and texting my friends in canada, having wonderful conversations, smoking out my kitchen window, listening to music that broke my heart. idk why but i really felt that vibe the last 2 nights this weekend. i usually haven't drank alone here in yyc, i did last night but tonight 2 friends came over but they have since left and i am left feeling tipsy and nostalgic for those warsaw nights. i know back then sometimes all i wanted was some company. the first 3-4 months in warsaw were quite lonely, not having any close friends, spending my time sleeping and eating and texting people back home. this weekend felt similar, but not the same. because i do have friends here. i wasn't walking 15-20 mins to the closest grocery story with my huge backpack in the height of summer, bringing groceries back with me to my flat. exhausted and sweaty af throughout the entire ordeal. i feel older. more mature. (obviously). but i kind of love that's been the feeling lately because i look back on those times so fondly.

i really need to enjoy this time now, because when i move to the uk, i won't be living alone anymore. i probably won't live alone again for a very, very long time.

when i lived with jake i really missed my alone time to listen to music and tumbl. but with brandon's shift schedule i think i will get a decent time alone to do what i please and have my alone time, which will be a blessing but also a curse, because i know i'll miss him when he's working lates or super early mornings. it's going to be hard, i already know that. not even just for me, but for him. when he's trying to go to bed at 8pm, or when he's finished an early shift and he's asleep when i get home from work. it's going to be rough. but i'm wiling to do it all.

i know when we first started dating i was so against moving to the UK. and now that i've fully committed and decided it's what i'm going to do, i can't imagine anything else. i can't wait to fully, maturely live in the UK. it was so different living there as a student. i always knew living there as an adult would be so different, and i'm honestly so, so glad i have this chance to do it again, properly. idk if i'd decide to do this if it wasn't for him. i always knew i'd live in europe again. i knew it wasn't the end for me when i moved home from warsaw. i just never ever thought i'd be moving there for a boy.

but here i am, living out my childhood dream. if i could talk to 12-18 year old me and tell her, hey, listen, we went to a magical festival in albania in 2019 and we met a boy, and then 4 years later, after another long-term relationship, we re-connected with the boy we met in albania and started dating long distance and now i'm moving to the UK??? honestly, i know what i would say. i would first say WTF REALLY? but at the same time, i know i would say, i knew it was meant to be. it's been my destiny from day 1. i've always known deep down this was going to be for me. well ok no, i haven't always known, but i have deeply deeply hoped for this to be my future. i've always wanted to meet a boy and move across the world for him and start a new life. it's always been in my nature to wander and drift and move and explore. so this is honestly, the natural path my life has lead me on. being me, this was always meant for me. and i just feel so grateful to have finally found a man who without question, i know i want to do this for. brandon is my person. i'm learning more and more how to accept his flaws and who he is fully as a person. and i love him, wholly.

he has shown me how much i mean to me on numerous occasions, and just how i feel when i'm with him is second to none. i just love being in his company, just us two. it never feels forced or boring or anything negative. i could happily travel with world with him, without the mantis fam (god forbid) and be happy. and i think that means so so so much. whenever jake and i would spend time just us, it was fine but it felt meh. i wasn't fulfilled. i could and have happily gone to a show just me and brandon and it is honestly some of the funnest times i've had. me and B, at an AP, vibing and dancing and drinking, and it's such a good time. always. god i really missed that and i never want to take it for granted.

he is my person. he honestly is who i want to spend the rest of my life with and a little part of me never thought i'd find that person. i thought i'd find men who were ok, who were tolerable to be with in those settings specifically, who weren't awful but weren't my people like the mantis fam are. but he is, and more. i'll be honest, i don't have a LOT of people i feel that with. that i can go out with just the two of us and have an amazing night no matter what. i think maya indy and sarah are the only people i would comfortably say we'd always have an amazing time, and now brandon. and that is so incredibly important to me. to compare my boyfriend to my bestest friends in my life. that's how it should be. and anyone who settles for less are missing out on so many amazing things in life.

i just can't believe i've found my person. it has always felt like this long lost idea that i've had, finding the person i wanna be with forever. there are so many billions of people on this planet that how can you find your person so quickly? i'm not even 30 yet, i haven't even been alive for half of my life. how is it possible? but i don't even question it now. i know. he is the one for me. and whether i'm the one for him is something else. but that doesn't matter. in this moment, right here and right now, i don't want to let go of the feeling that this is the beginning of the rest of my life.

[timeoverload]

Today went ok. I didn't feel quite as sick as I did yesterday so it made it easier to get through the day. I was super anxious this morning but it wasn't as bad after I took my lunch break.

I got really irritated with the morning team lead. I've worked with her for a long time and I was there before she even started. She acts like she owns the place and is more important than everyone else, which isn't true. She always has to be right about everything. Technically she and I both have leadership positions so she isn't above me but she acts like she is. She has always been a bully, usually for no good reason. She and another group of girls used to gang up on me years ago and I've never quite gotten over it. I'm generally nice to her most of the time unless she crosses a line. Sometimes it seems like we're sort of friends now but I know I can't trust her. I think she just pretends to be nice a lot of the time. I asked her if she cared if I went to take my lunch break. She said she needed to run downstairs and then I could go but then she changed her mind super fast for some reason. I had no problem waiting for her to come back. She suddenly snapped and told me to "just go to lunch" in a very angry tone. Some other people noticed and later told me that they didn't think I did anything wrong. It was confusing because I didn't feel like I did anything to warrant that kind of response from her. I am always very polite when I ask her things even when she isn't that way towards me. I try to help her a lot. I got back from lunch and she wouldn't speak to me and I still couldn't figure out why. She can be very hostile. I wonder is she's jealous of me or something. I'm not sure why she would be but I can't think of any other reason that she would be so mean and bitter towards me. It's almost like she enjoys seeing me miserable and bossing me around. Sometimes I can't sit down for 2 minutes without her barking orders at me so I have to be out of her sight in order to do that. Sometimes it feels like she is trying to get me to quit even though I've told her I probably won't be there much longer due to my health issues anyway. She knows I've been having a hard time but she doesn't care about anyone but herself. She's not very empathetic towards anyone. She knows I don't have any other options right now either. I really don't want to be around her tomorrow if she's going to be like that so I will try to just stay in my corner when I get there in the morning. I shouldn't have to put up with that shit at work. Sometimes it feels like I'm back in high school again. I'm going to try not to worry about it anymore tonight because there's nothing I can do about it.

I did get invited to go fishing in a few weeks with some people from work so that was surprising. I'm excited about that. My mom and I used to go fishing together when I was a kid but I haven't gone since then. I'm not sure if I remember how but it should be fun anyway. I'm looking forward to getting some sun.

I'm proud of myself because I went the whole day without having a soda and I made a conscious effort to drink as much water as possible. I was really sleepy and got kind of grumpy but I survived. I also made myself eat a lot. It's a weird feeling to have a belly again because I was just bones for such a long time. I probably don't look that different to most people but I can tell a difference and I feel like I look a lot better. I'm hoping my skin will clear up more once my liver function improves. I just need to continue to make better choices and I think I will be ok.

I took a shower and I'm all ready for bed now. It was a long day so I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to stay awake. I also took my medicine so I'm having a tough time focusing. Tomorrow is going to be another busy day so I hope I can get some decent sleep tonight.

[exd1000]

Day 31:

Early morning (as per usual) worked out. Was still sore from yesterday but pushed through. It does not matter how slow you go as long as you keep going right haha. Definitely need more rest/sleep but you know what luckily for me I can try to focus on that too lmao. I’m really grateful for the universe bc wow how did it all just happen to be like this. It gets me all excited and giddy just even thinking about it bc I know that if things are right for me the universe always has my back and gives me actual signs. I know it sounds hokey pokey but it is what it is. Obviously I am still barely learning to trust the universe (/myself bc clearly it is also a part of me) but each and every time I do it never proves me wrong. The only time it proves me wrong is when I’m vehemently going against something I know is against myself/morals/feelings/thoughts/etc. I can’t even express how truly grateful I am for everything. Blessed be universe.

I’m gonna lay in bed and rest up a bit bc I’m honestly exhausted but I’ll look into more articles/work later then get ready for the bonfire. Hopefully I get back at a decent time then I’ll text Noah to take the dogs out bc I also want to hang out with him too. Idk I just am really happy and grateful for all the people I’m meeting and how great they are. New chapter with new characters haha. But I really need to slow it down with all this people meeting bc I also need to prioritize and focus on my work. Thank you universe for blessing me with an abundance of people I pray you now give me the guidance, strength, courage, and willpower to help me figure out and move forward with my work/studies to be successful.

--

Looking into all these articles I have so many tabs opened but apparently that's just a thing especially if you're a researcher BC YOU NEED TO READ ALL THESE RELATED RESEARCH ARTICLES LMAO. But I think I'm getting closer to what specificities I am interested in. I have always been super into memories and how that is the quintessence of who we are. The absolute epitome of a human being.

Semantic encoding (processing the meaning of information) and decoding is something that is similar/very on par to this. I am also interested in metamemory/consciousness/the self because essentially that is the idea I aim to do. And I am also interested in AI/memory models simulating human processes and behavior because I want to be able to simulate that. But the thing is I am not trying to understand consciousness or study memory models in depth. It is more so the memories that I want to study. The autobiographical memory and narratives we tell ourselves. It hangs upon our morals and belief systems as well but to not get too philosophically involved let's just leave it at narratives. I am interested in how semantic memory is processed and how that relates to what we tell ourselves and embodies who we are as individuals. And so I will continue reading because this is love to me. I am really in love.

—

Currently at the bonfire and it is a bit weird not really my kind of people but it’s okay! So I won’t be able to hang out with Noah tonight bc it is a bit late and that’s okay but he texted me he’s at the beach too!! So funny. He also sent me a pic of his nephew so cute haha but also ??

—

Anyway I want to make this short bc I just got home and showered and honestly I am exhausted and tomorrow is also an early morning. I really really really don’t want to be with anyone honestly truly. And so while I do find myself giddy with Noah we both said we aren’t looking for anything. This is strictly for the dogs and that’s it. Also in every event in every thing in life I am doing it alone. I do not want to be with someone where I am texting them at an event. Either they are there with me or they are not. I am full on my own and they will just miss out. Like for example Noah didn’t make it to the pool party yesterday but he checked in with me and it’s like meh you are not even my boyfriend. I will no longer text anyone when I am elsewhere and they are not there. I am not attached to anyone I am just my own self and I am usually happier at events and places myself. I’ve been single for quite awhile already. Or should I say I havent had an actual bf for quite awhile already so I am doing things on my own and I like it that way. I don’t want them coming around for the most part if at all bc I am that person lmao. So if I were to be with someone and they were to come with me as my actual boyfriend then I would have to be REALLY into him to tell people we are together. Otherwise I don’t want anyone there with me as anything or calling him anything of mine. Okay that is it I feel like I’m just blabbering bc I’m so tired. Goodnight.

[nebulousneuroticism]

I woke at a reasonable hour today and made a conscious decision to return to bed and sleep until an unreasonable hour. Why did I do this? Avoiding chores and responsibilities, as usual. I'm anxious about having to call my old dentist and cancel my upcoming appointment (because they don't take my new insurance), and also about finding a new dentist, and those are both tasks that must take place during regular business hours. Therefore, sleeping through the afternoon is a convenient way to avoid that anxiety.

You might think that, understanding why I do these things, I could avoid doing them. But I cannot.

I had a pretty decent day after that, I guess. I didn't go anywhere. I had some pasta and some pizza for food. I was ready to chat with that cute girl, but she wasn't up for it tonight, so I guess we'll connect next week sometime instead.

I spent some time with video games, and a little time with my project. Not nearly enough time with my project. I feel I am letting myself down.

My discord server of choice was abruptly shut down tonight, throwing my meager social life into disarray. Guess I'll deal with that tomorrow. I'll need to find a new place to lurk and occasionally post non-sequiturs.

Oh, well. For now, I will sleep.

[casspurrjoybell-24]

Sugar Punch - Chapter 12

*Warning: Adult Content*  SUGAR🥊 🥊PUNCH

- Maddox -

I had somehow convinced Theo to stay but now that he was here, what the fuck was I supposed to do now?

I've hooked up with plenty of people, and in the morning, I didn't need to say anything for them to leave and if I had to get rid of them, I didn't feel anything about it, it was just spontaneous fun in the end.

I don't know if I could call what I did to his guy last night spontaneous because it didn't feel the same as the times I slept with other people, in fact I didn't know what to feel about it.

His ass was nice and I had fun, as much fun as a guy can have having sex with another guy but the big question was, what did Theo think we were?

He was a virgin until I introduced him to my dick, did he also now expect some type of relationship from me because of that?

I didn't want to hurt the guy, I liked having him around and he had potential as a fighter but I just wasn't the dating type of guy.

I fucked, plain and simple, I didn't want to be tied town, especially not by some eighteen-year-old, with his life ahead of him and mine at it's peak.

The moment I woke up and saw him in my bed, I did what I always did, hit the showers and then went to train in my home gym, nothing was different for me other than my hips were hurting just enough to be noticeable.

I did carry him around last night, like my own personal blown-up doll and I can only say that's the reason why he slept in so long, the poor guy didn't know what he just signed up for when he agreed to come home with me.

I had dropped him off around 3 and now I was getting ready for tonight, as my dumbass cousin, Adian, was fighting in a mixed martial arts exclusive club downtown and wanted me to be there for 'emotional support' whatever the fuck that meant.

The moment he called me I felt the air shift between me and Theo, he suddenly wanted to go home and although I did convince him to stay for three more hours, he was quiet the entire time as we watched TV together, even when I drove him home.

Honestly, at this point I should just stop whatever this was and remain his personal trainer, there was shit he was clearly dealing with and I had my own shit going on, getting into a complicated relationship with this kid wasn't going to do me any favours.

Despite that, I didn't want to let him go just yet, which put me in quite the predicament.

Did he regret sleeping with me?

I know I asked if he liked it but you can like something and then regret it, I never could read him well, especially when he was quiet.

Fuck, I knew nothing about him and it's not like I'm some mind reader but then again, it's my fault for not asking anything and just going with the flow, so either way, I'm a piece of shit.

Parking my car, turning it off and then getting out, I look over the side of the street and sigh out at the amount of people turning up for this fight tonight, wishing I just stayed home and went to bed early.

I knew what tonight was, having me at Adian's corner put him in a limelight and got him work, which I really didn't mind but now he was doing it almost every month which was starting to piss me off, just because we're family.

"Maddox," the bouncer, Ryan nodded to me as I tapped him on the shoulder, walking past him.

The moment I stepped inside the club I saw how this night was going to end.

There were half naked girls carrying around drinks and the air was filled with smoke as some shit banging music filled the air, I also noticed the further I walked through the crowd that I wasn't the only famous fighter here.

Jimmy Southpaw, he was slow on his kicks but before his opponents could go for his legs, it was too late because you were already knocked out from a simple punch, he looked rough with his buzzcut head and piercings but he was a decent family guy.

There was also Peter Moss, another great fighter who came from the gutter just like I did, rising to the top from all the way at the bottom, his kicks were strong and I definitely missed seeing him fight.

The poor fucker injured his leg slipping near a pool on holiday, ended his career right there, just like that.

"Yō, Mads," I hear someone call my name as I stood near the bar, turning around to see who it is.

I look down at my trainer and closest friend, wondering what the fuck he's doing here.

"Come on don't look at me like that," he chuckled out, standing next to me, ordering a drink for himself and one for me.

"I'm not drinking Jordan, cut that shit out," I tell him, looking around to see who else has showed up for tonight's fight.

"Then fix your face, you look like someone just stood on your balls," he said, as I rolled my eyes, choosing to ignore him before I whacked him.

"Have you seen Aiden?"

He hummed out, putting his drink to his lips as his eyes scanned the crowd.

"I saw him with two girls not long ago, so probably in the backroom getting all his nerves out before the fight starts."

Of-course he is.

"Give him a break, it's hard to live in your shadow, Mads."

"My shadow?" I scoff out. "If he tried to keep his act together, he could've made it professional, instead he's doing the same shit we did when we were 16."

Jordan sighs beside me but doesn't say anything more into it, already knowing I was right as Aiden never took anything serious, instead he used my name to get fights and pick up women and use me as his own personal get out of jail free card.

He came from the same shithole I did, so of-course I helped him out once I made my first million and won my first big fight but unlike me he choose his path and stayed the leech, he was a good fighter but he lacked ambition, he just liked to sit there and tell me 'it's hard'.

The more I stood here the more I just wanted to fucking leave, I was doing him a solid today and then I wasn't going to do this anymore.

I wonder what Theo was doing?

He wanted to go home so desperately, so he must be up to something.

"So, what's really got your ugly face stuck like that?" Jordan asks beside me. "It's not Aiden, so what's up?"

If only I could put what I felt into words right now, Jordan's head would spin but there was no way I could say anything here, with too many eyes and ears looking and listening in on us talking, next thing I know is my name with a pride flag under it spread everywhere on social media and on news websites.

I didn't need that.

I choose to ignore Jordan and focus on the ring as the lights started to dim and everyone started to make their way to the seats, positioned around the large ring inside of the club.

Just as I was going to make my way to Aiden's corner, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket as someone was calling me.

Taking my phone out of my pocket, I was surprised to see that Theo was calling me, as the last time I saw him he barely spoke a few words to me, even the thirty-minute drive I did to take him home.

I looked at his name and sighed out before ignoring the call, not wanting to get into whatever he wanted to say right now, even if I he could hear me, there was no way I was going to hear him with the crowd this rowdy.

Whatever Theo had to say was going to have to wait until Monday, until then I wanted to try and enjoy the shit-show in front of me.

Fuck it, I might as well take that drink, without it I'm just getting more annoyed but not only from this morning but the fact I don't even know what I felt for him and I was too old to play this game he was playing with me, giving me silent treatment.

I grabbed the nearest unopened bottle of Champagne on the table in front of me and started chugging it like it was water, wanting to numb this feeling I felt in my chest as much as possible.

I felt my phone ring again in my pocket and choose to ignore it, I found my seat next to Aiden's team and said my 'hello's' and then I waited for the fighters to come out, taking another drink from the bottle, ready for forget the shitty day that I had. 

[keefwho]

July 10 - 2023 Monday

11:14 PM

I’ve been slacking writing about my day. The whole point, as much as it might feel wrong sometimes, is to treat myself like my day mattered enough to write down. I did stuff that affects myself and others and I deserve to broadcast it, even if to no one. 

This morning I was still recovering from last night’s horrible tummy issues. Breakfast kinda sucked, I made soup but didn’t really like it. I was SUPER tired from getting poor sleep but did half of this guy’s commission stream anyways. I’d say it went well. Before my shower I shaved because I was getting tired of my pubes tbh. Not that they were that bad but I’m starting to hate even a little hair. I skipped my workout on account of being too tired and had a good nut in the shower. Lunch was some decent Rice a Roni and during my afternoon work, I idled in VRchat for a little bit. In one Black Cat instance, I got kicked within 30 seconds for being a furry. I was finding VR to be distracting because I wasn’t really satisfied with the worlds I was finding so I kept hopping. Eventually I settled in my own world in a group instance under the Furry group but no one joined. I swear that world is cursed to never get traffic. Maybe if I updated the thumbnail, something about it could be putting people off for some reason. While working on my world for an hour, I got very focused which was nice. I had fun and made an animated sink. In the afternoon I joined a friend’s server for just a little bit and had a nice short chat before leaving. I wanted to hang out with someone else but they seemed busy and I really think I need to work on being myself more anyways. I’ve had trouble being on my own today because it’s hard to stop thinking about that one thing you want to do. I played some Zelda and watched MoonMoon stream. Earlier I got into a futa mood because Daisy had a dream about it which was very hot. She also cucked me with AI Sidon a little which got me totally cuck brained. I was super into it for a bit, I don’t know what it is that I like so much. Maybe it’s just a special kind of humiliating, and I like my humiliation. I also had a drink tonight since I didn’t have one last night, made the night a little more fun. After Daisy called and went to sleep, I found an excellent IRL cuck video that I utilized. 

I’m thinking maybe I could try journaling throughout the day if I remember to. Sometimes I want to rant about something in the moment but not at the end of the day when I just wanna go to bed. I also want to evaluate how I might have done today differently or what could have made it better. Asking Daisy for time this evening would have been nice, even if she said no. I have a habit of worrying I’m being too much so sometimes I try to reign myself in even though that means I might be missing chances to fulfill my social wants because they might want to hang out just as much as I do. I don’t actually know until I ask. I also wish I had focused more in general but I always wish I could do that. It sure would help me to stop thinking about certain things sometimes and would benefit self exploration since I’d be able to take in new information better. If I had remembered before I started shaving, I could have attempted to workout despite how tired I was. Now I have to make up for it tomorrow. 

[vickikowalewski]

Day 11 - June 2, 2023: Cinque Terre

Today started later than I wanted to. I didn’t wake up until 8am. I must be tired and needing to catch up on some sleep. It took a little bit to get going because I needed to eat, get ready, and pack my bag. This hostel has fresh made granola for breakfast (I watched and smelled them making it the night prior) and it was super delicious. The hostel worker also taught me how to use an Italian coffee maker. It’s really not that difficult even though it looks intimidating.

I ended up booking my Cinque Terre card online and man, was I glad I did that. The train station was complete chaos and the line for assistance for tickets went outside of the train station. The train was also absolutely packed. Pure madness.

I got off the train in Monterosso and the fun began. Monterosso is the only town with a beach so it’s quite scenic but rocky. I’ve heard the better beaches with sand are further away. That didn’t stop many people from laying out. I was surprised. It was warm but not that warm. Maybe mid-to-low 70s.

My goal today was to hike the trail between cities, or what I could. The trail between Monterosso and Vernazza started steep but leveled out. Lots of foot traffic and it was technically supposed to be a one way only but that didn’t work out due to the large number of people. I stopped in Vernazza and got some delicious street food and a Fanta that actually was from a restaurant. It was so good but so rich. There were a few bites I couldn’t quite finish.

The hike between Vernazza and Corniglia was surprisingly not too bad. I thought that was going to be the hardest part of the trail but it wasn’t at all. I celebrated with gelato in Corniglia. I decided to try something different and I got lemon and basil gelato. It was quite good and very refreshing.

I was feeling good so I decided to do the difficult hiking route next from Corniglia to Manarola. I think I should have waited for the next day because I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into. It was fabulous but quite strenuous getting up and coming down. You basically walk at the top of a mountain overlooking the sea and through a lot of vineyards. I wanted to stop for a glass of wine at a little wine bar in the vineyards but it was closed for the holiday. Bummer. I was okay until the very end coming down the hill. That last half mile just felt like it would never end. Then I got to Monarola and the entire town is sloped downhill. I could have died. My legs were jello. Looking at my phone, I just realized I was so exhausted that I didn’t even take a photo in Manarola other than beer. I was feeling really, really bad so I decided to stop for the day. I got a large beer, a focaccia, and a liter of water. It took a while but I eventually came back to life after some food. Finding the train home was also confusing and I was displeased to be walking so much at that point but I did eventually find it.

I decided I needed a shower before dinner because I was disgusting and sweaty. It was a good opportunity for resting my legs as well. I even sat while blow drying my hair. Dinner tonight was difficult to find because today is a national holiday. Everything was booked solid. I did find a decent place though and tried a new pasta, trofie. It’s like a longer version of a spatzle but similar texture. It wasn’t my absolute favorite but it was pretty good. I ended the night at the beer garden by the sea for a cocktail.

I am beyond exhausted but glad I checked this off my bucket list! Time for bed, goodnight!

[renegadesfic]

In The Afterglow - Chapter 1

Here we go again. This is ANOTHER original thing. As it says in the chapter notes, which you can find on AO3, this is not inspired by a D&D campaign - actually, it's inspired by a band AU inspired by a D&D campaign. Which is worse? Maybe? It's definitely funnier. Go check it out on AO3 if you'd rather read it there than here. And if you haven't read The Radiant Sun, go read that too. It's also very good.

Without further ado...

Dear future self, I hope that you’re well

I know right now I don’t really like myself

Dear future self, I hope you’re okay

I hope your tomorrow’s better than my today

I’m trapped and alone, but maybe someday

You’ll hear this and think that you made it okay

I hope you listen, and think of a past

Much brighter than this one, and one that will last

The light on the keyboard abruptly went out, the last notes cutting off just short of their natural end. The lights in the room went out too - the small lamp hanging over the keyboard went dark, the light in the closet flickered and faded. Even the light on the power strip turned off, leaving the already dimly lit room entirely dark save for the slivers of moonlight slipping through the window blinds.

“Yeah, that’s fair.”

The girl sitting at the keyboard picked up her phone, rising from her seat and moving to sit down on the edge of her bed. She stared at the screen, the audio waves from the recording of her voice having cut off abruptly when the lights went out. 

Very quietly, she turned the recording back on and spoke again. “My parents turned the lights out… again… I thought maybe I was quiet enough that they couldn’t hear me. Sometimes I’m convinced they have cameras in here or something…” She sighed. “Anyway. I guess that’s all I’m getting for tonight. Not for lack of trying, I guess… but until I get out of here, I can’t sing when they’re home.”

She laid back on the bed, a sigh escaping her as she held the phone close to her chest. 

“If somebody ever hears this… congrats on finding my diary?” She whispered into the phone, closing her eyes.

The last thing the recording picked up before she curled up to sleep was two more lines, barely audible.

Dear future self, I’m going to sleep

I hope that tomorrow will bring what I need

—

“Do you have all your things?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Laptop?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Lunch?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Homework?”

“I have everything, I promise. Have I ever messed up?”

The question hung in the air. Her father turned away from her, moving to open the door to the garage. There was no answer coming, that much she already knew - he did not deign to answer her questions, rhetorical or otherwise. 

Early morning light streamed through the blinds as she zipped her backpack, slinging it over one shoulder with just a little bit less caution than her parents preached about. Her father motioned for her to hurry - as if she wasn’t moving fast enough - and the car door opened automatically as she stepped into the garage, sliding backward so she could get in.

“You were up late last night,” her father commented. Not said like a question, although this was his way of getting answers.

“Couldn’t sleep,” she muttered, staring out the window. “Sorry.”

“I understand that the transfer isn’t ideal, but you will need to keep your sleep schedule in check. The time you start school doesn’t change just because you relocate.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I won’t be up late again.”

“See to it that you’re not. We don’t need to be kept up, and you have plenty of time to practice your compositions during the day.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I will drop you off every morning,” he continued after a brief pause, “as I have always done. You know the rules, and they stay the same - do not call or text after you are dropped off. If there is an emergency, the school will let your mother or me know. Do try to make some decent connections - you don’t get anywhere in this world without them. Don’t hang with the bad crowd. This is a bigger school than you’re used to, and there will be people who don’t matter enough to someone like you to keep around. As I said. Connections.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Repeat what I said, Angela.”

“Don’t bother you at work. Make connections. Don’t hang out with bad people. I got it.”

“Good,” he said, and there was no further discussion. She pulled out her earbud case, pristinely white just like everything else her family owned, and put one in her right ear, leaving the side closer to her father open in case he decided he had something else to say.

He didn’t, and the car pulled up outside the main building. This was doubtlessly the biggest school she’d been to - she had been kept in private school for most of her life, but her mother had decided that it would be best if she learn to be in a more open environment for the last year of high school. Transferring as a senior was bad enough in its own right - transferring to a new school in a new state was worse. Her already low self-confidence threatened to drop out of her body entirely as she exited the car, the door sliding back again to let her step out.

People were definitely staring. It wasn’t like she could really blame them - the car was brand new, high-tech, and unreasonably flashy. Most people in public high schools in San Antonio weren’t driving cars like that - most people anywhere weren’t driving cars like that. She kept her head low and tugged on the straps of her backpack, instinctively drawing herself inward as if making herself look more nervous would make her less of a target somehow. As if showing up in a car like that, with clothing like hers, didn’t already have her marked as a pretentious rich kid at best and an easy target for what her father considered the wrong crowd at worst.

She liked to think she wasn’t pretentious.

Her first stop was the front office. She already had her schedule, but her mother had stressed how imperative it was that she check in to make sure everything had been solidified before she went to any of her classes. Pressing the buzzer on the door produced a much louder sound than she’d been expecting, a loud BZZZT  that startled her enough to make her jump. The door opened, and she stepped in quickly - hopefully quickly enough that no one paid too much attention to how much she was shaking.

The secretary turned in her chair, looking her up and down. “How can I help you?” She asked, either distractedly or disinterestedly.

“I’m… Angela Novinger. I’m transferring… my mother said I should check in before I start classes?”

“Novinger, Novinger… hang on, let me look you up in our system.” She muttered, turning back to her computer screen. “You’re a senior?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Show me your schedule.” She already had it out of her bag, handing it across the desk to the woman as she continued to tap away at the keyboard. The secretary looked back and forth for a few moments before handing it back, a smile on her face that could have been meant to be reassuring but definitely wasn’t. “You’re all good. Good luck out there.”

“Thank you, ma’am.” Luck was probably necessary, she thought as she started down the hall, doing her best to navigate the already crowded hallways to her homeroom. Looking at her schedule, which thankfully came with a map - albeit a small and barely legible one - she made her way toward the opposite end of the building, mentally crossing her fingers that nothing went horribly wrong.

Of course, anything that can go wrong will - which was proven rather quickly when she felt a hard impact on the front of her left side, immediately tumbling backward onto the floor. She braced for impact - this would not be the first time she’d landed hard on tile floors - but the impact did not come. She opened her eyes - had she squeezed them closed? - to see a boy standing over her, holding onto her arm. He pulled her up to her feet, handing her the schedule that had slipped out of her grip and flung itself unceremoniously several feet away from her. 

“Sorry,” he said before she could get the word out herself. “Extra crowded today.”

“Is it not always this crowded?” She asked, not catching herself quickly enough to say the things she was supposed to, a little distracted by the fact that he was something like a foot taller than her.

“Not this early. You’re here early. Class doesn’t start until 8:30 - it’s barely 7:45.”

Oh, god, he was cute. 

“Corran, by the way,” he continued, not seeming to need a response. “Sorry again. Everyone gets lost in the shuffle at some point. You didn’t land hard, did you?”

“I didn’t land at all,” she said. “You caught me.” She tugged her arm gently out of his grip, his hand immediately releasing her sleeve as he realized he was still holding onto her. 

“So I did,” he laughed, and oh no, she liked his laugh. What was this, some kind of teen rom-com? A cute boy bumps into the new girl on the first day of school and catches her? Was this fucking scripted?

“Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah. Fine. Thank you… um… Corran?” She shook herself out of her thoughts, trying to collect herself and finally tucking her schedule back into her backpack pocket.

“Cor, if you want,” he said. “You’re welcome.”

“Thank you, Cor.”

“Can I ask you for a favor in return?” What could he possibly want from her?

“Sure?”

“Tell me your name too? I haven’t seen you before.”

“Oh. Right. I’m, uh… new. I’m new. I just transferred.”

“Welcome to hell.” She blanched for a minute. It couldn’t be that bad. Right? Surely not…

Right. It was a joke. People make jokes sometimes. 

“Thanks,” she finally mustered.

“So… your name?”

Fuck.

“Angela.”

“That doesn’t suit you.”

“It… doesn’t?” She looked at him quizzically. 

“You dress like a rich kid, and you have the name for it, but you don’t seem like most of the rich kids around here. And I’m pretty good at spotting outliers.” He grinned at her, a lopsided expression that she thought she might combust from looking at much longer.

“I… don’t really like my name.”

“I’ll call you something else then, if you want.” He pulled her schedule out of her pocket again. She did not move to stop him - why wasn’t she moving to stop him? - as he unfolded it and looked it over. “Room 103 for homeroom? I can walk you. That’s where I’m going.”

“Oh. Yeah. Sure.”

He put the schedule back in its pocket. His hand brushed her shoulder by a millimeter. It was all she needed.

“So, not-Angela. What am I calling you, if not that?”

“Angel,” she said abruptly. “My name is Angel.”

“That fits better,” he answered, smiling at her again. “Much better. Okay, Angel. So you’re new here? What brought the transfer on?”

“My… parents moved here. For work. My father moved for work.”

“Is that a rich kid thing too?”

There was a pause, and then: “Yeah. Yeah, it pretty much is. He’s an oil company executive. Basically in line to take over the whole thing whenever the current CEO retires, which he’s convinced won’t be very long… so he came here to network. We… probably won’t be here more than a couple of years.”

“But you’re finishing high school here. Aren’t there a bunch of private schools or something? San Antonio’s gotta be big enough for you to have options.”

“My mother said it would… be good for me to broaden my horizons?”

“Well, I’m not quite the place to start with that. I’m not a networking kinda guy - I’m good at spotting outliers for a reason. But I wish you luck with that. I’m sure there are all kinds of rich white boys you could… what did you say, broaden your horizons with?”

“I don’t want to spend all my time with rich white boys,” she returned - and startled herself with the power behind the phrase. “I mean… um…”

“Well, I wouldn’t either. But I’m not sure any of them would want to spend time with me either. That might be different for you.”

“It might be. But I don’t want it to be.” She frowned. “My father gave me a lecture this morning… and every other morning since we moved… about making connections, not hanging with the ‘wrong crowd’, whatever else.”

“I have a feeling I know what he means by the wrong crowd.” He grimaced.

“You probably do. You’re probably part of it.” Her eyes went wide. “I mean- not that I’m- I don’t-”

“I know what you meant,” he said, putting a hand on her shoulder. The contact was somehow comforting and terrifying. Was exhilarating the word? “Don’t worry about it. At least you’re trying to make a good impression. Most people here don’t give a shit whether they sound like an asshole when they say stuff like that. You’re not wrong, anyway - I’m definitely not the kind of person your dad would want you to spend time around.”

She looked down at the floor. Whether that was a rejection or not, she prepared herself to take it as one - not that she would be allowed to hang out with him even if it wasn’t. Her dad might settle for some kinds of people - he wouldn’t settle for a six-foot-something Black guy who, from how he made it sound, was not exactly popular.

“But,” he followed up, snapping her out of her thoughts, “you’re always welcome to sit with me and my friends. We’ve always got room at our table - that happens when you don’t like people and people don’t like you.”

“Your friends?”

“I’m in a band,” he said. “We practice after school, at my house. Well, my bandmate’s house. I just kinda crash there.”

“Are you homeless?” She asked before she could stop herself.

“Well, I live there, so… not really? I had foster parents. They didn’t really care when I left. Better with my friend anyway. I’m not the only person their family took in.”

“You ran away?”

“I guess you could call it that.”

“I wish I could do that.”

There was a long pause, after that. Angel covered her mouth with her hands.

“If you ever need a place to crash, Angel… I’m sure we could find room.” He gave her that fucking smile again. God, this really was fucking picturesque.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

They stopped at the door to room 103. Cor held the door open for her.

Oh no. 

Oh no.

[impressiverunaway]

Why am I angry? (Part 1 of 3)

Oh, for so many reasons you’ve angered me. But, let’s start with the most recent time I’ve heard from you until now. Three texts, it took, through out the week until I got a response from you. Great response, you even asked how I was doing. I give a phenomenal response, in which you didn’t even take the time to read or respond to. None of them you have. You responded to a picture of my cat, after ignoring the others though. And responded to my flirtatious joke back. I knew you were at a party, and I text you asking if you may be free at some point that night, considering you’re off and this was a time, to my knowledge, that we could spend time together. After an hour of waiting, I realize I actually cannot spend time with you. I explain, I forgot I did not get a decent sleep the night before, and I need a decent sleep tonight. I turn off my phone because I need to focus on sleeping. I wake up briefly, due to my discomfort of being warm, and my light being on. Shortly after, I hear a knocking on my window. It’s 4am. I check my phone to confirm it was you, but forgot it was off, so I start it up. You continue to knock, I yell “Yeah!” and check to make sure its you before letting you in through the front door. “I can come in through this way?” “Yes!?” I think wtf else would you think, clearly we are both at the door. Gtf inside. I’m bothered, because I made it clear I needed a good rest, and you have now interrupted my sleep. Initially, it being a nice surprise, just poorly timed, mellowed me out. My room is also a mess, I tell you, you say that’s fine, but then comment on it. “wtf happened” “its okay, it adds character” I lay down on the bed, near fetal position, you say “good morning”, I say it back, fucking annoyed. Order of events doesn’t matter. You lay over me in this position, which feels great. But then I notice you are reaching over me to pet the cats. I then notice, your breath reeks of alcohol. I point it out, you go back and forth with me, claiming you didn’t actually drink, and asking what it smells like. I already know you drank, and now I’m just going with it that you didn’t actually. You later admit you drank, in which I call you out for lying. I’m annoyed as well, because I brought his drinking to his attention, it being a concern. Alcoholism type of vibe. He’s recently told me how he had a whole new mind set, cutting out vices, working on himself. And he’s already back to exactly where he was.   I told you this was a “nice surprise”. You tell me you texted and called twice. I explained my phone was off because I wanted to sleep. And how coincidentally, I happened to wake up right before you knocked, because I got hot. You tell me something like “no shit, look at what you’re wearing” (Leggings and a large t-shirt” and I say something like “no shit, I was freezing when I went to bed”. You say you need to use the bathroom to brush your teeth, hesitantly I warn you that it’s also a mess, in which I quickly retract my statement with a “never mind, I can pick it up really quick, give me a minute.” I use the bathroom myself, brush my teeth, and quickly straighten up my bathroom. I return to the bedroom and tell him it’s ready for him to use. When he exits the room, I change into something lighter, short shorts and a tank top, my go to. I start to work on straightening my bedroom. You lay on the bed, playing with the cats. Cute, because this is the first time Titan has actually warmed up to you like you are one of us. I still continue to work on my room while talking to you. You tell me how your “boy” from work, a 17 year old child, invites you to a family party. You boast about how cool you are, and how his father is also an artist. Talk about red flag, kid is 2 years away from being half your age and I’m thinking you are exploiting a friendship with a child to get an in with his dad and get ahead in a sleezy way. I ignore it, just kind of did that awkward smile, you know the one you do in passing to strangers or something. With a “mhhmm” and nod of the head. I continue to clean.