#but at tge same time like.
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okay, i was kind of bitch to my sister today and i can own that our fight today was largely my fault. apologized and helped her get ready before she had to go home (she’s flying out pf the town where the apartment she shares with her fiance is) and i’m gonna be super supportive tomorrow and and through the weekend because it IS her bachelorette trip and her wedding, things should be about her.
at the same time. though i know i should let go of some of my resentments, i do think my GENERAL frustration with her acting … demanding and wanting everyone to do everything her way is valid. and i don’t know how i’m going to deal in the future.
but i recognize that i chose a really dumb thing to get angry about, as it represented a larger issue. i feel sick to my stomach and guilty but also like…. i don’t know how mych longer I can keep doing this with her. maybe neither of us is totally right or totally wrong and we just simply do not have lives or personalities that mesh well
#personal#honestly i’m a little embara of how petty it was#but at tge same time like.#she said ‘you know you can’t act like this on the trip right’#to me while i was crying and that fucking hurt#but i recognize that i escalated something that did not need it and just. yeah#i’m trying to be excited about tomorrow#gonna have to get up SO early though
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Something something WIP something something uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh
#I feel like I should post wips more often instad of only posting when i finishh...#But at the same time i get my hopes up that I'll finish stuff and then never do....#*looks at the Bg animation*#faceee wip#garten of banban#my process thus far is to sketch smt out as fast as humanly possible and sculpt tge sketch from there#then it's up to future face to decipher wtf I was on
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Okay okay so we’re all talking about Skizz, Joel, and BigB being the most likely picks for new hermits but what if… what if we as a community started hyping up the most UNLIKELY candidates.
Stampy and Ivory in Hermitcraft ftw lol.
#hermitcraft#hermitblr#mcyt#ivorytv#ivorycello#stampy cat#stampylonghead#like imagine the DRAMA with Ivory Scar and Ren being on tge same server#if martyn and ivory were new hermits it’d just be theatre club 100% of the time#tyx is being silly#tyx’s ramblings
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webby would have LOVED mystery flesh pit national park
#my funky guys#shed be sooo fascinated w it#shed be pissed about the comercialisation of it n shit BUT. at the same time if she could take a hike in there?#she would. 100%. and shed be having a blast tge whole time#like. shed have a love hate relationship w the whole national park thing and how irresponsible the whole situation was#bc it WAS shitty and sketchy as hell#but on the other hand she just really really loves the idea of being able to walk around the insides of a colossal beast#so shed be like 'ofc nobody should be allowed to fuck around in there like that wtf dude thats so dangerous and irresponsible#.except for me. they should let ME fuck around!!! fuck the corporation and tourists i would treat her right!!!!!!#*I* would be careful and wouldnt exploit the resources and keep distance from the fauna unlike SOME PEOPLE'#ok well. i mean weblums exist so i suppose she COULD walk around the insides of a giant organism#but still the mystery flesh pit has that certain allure. a vibe. weblums are cool as hell but theyre not an eldritch underground horror#weblums are cool space whales but the mystery flesh pit is .well the mystery flesh pit. cant rlly compete w that#anyway. the pit may be a deatrap but not for her. shed survive. shes special like that the giant lobsters wouldnt eat HER#also webby would be very much on the pits side. its not ITS fault people are stupid?? its just chilling!!! its not evil!!!!!!#'ohh but those arthropods are scary!!! WELL. theyre WILD ANIMALS DIPSHIT ofc theyre hostile. and plus theyre cool as hell'
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rant <3
#so i told my friend im thinking abt engaging more in my christian community again starting w going to church more and visiti g exchanges etc#she kniws abt basically all my other friends being more than less religious and active in their respective communities#+ my family being religious even during soviet times and she even kniws abt the orthodox side of my family#so this shouldnt surprise her this much#why is she trying to talk me out of it saying christianity is evil and she cant agree to creationism like ok bitch me too#she acting as if im gonna become some republican american blonde woman or an primitive medieval peasant wthhh#and like i get it she and her family have always been agnostic and she doesnt have any personal experience with believe and faith#but that is even more reason to shut the hell up?? especially bc i just told her as like a life update i didnt want to start a discussion#w an agnostic no less#ppl like that make me so uncomfortable and then she kept saying things like this person is godless as a joke like stfu???#and kept bringing up she csnt believe in god at random times it made me so umcomfortable#especially bc now i feel hesitant to invite her to hangouts w my more 'strict' friends like idk what she thinks abt them and i dont want to#expose my friends who have to listen to enough shit to someone like that like i want my home to be a safe space for my friends#anyways thats the same girl who keeps telling me she doesnt think im white and when i tell her her saying this makes me uncomfortable#shes argues its ok bc she is not white herself ok wth im literally german/slavic how is that not white im crying#cant really articulate what exactly makes me uncomfy abt this but feels like she wants to enable me its really weird#also with tge christian stuff like ive always been religious she kniws abt me reading religious texts its so weird to me#why are you my friend if you disagree with a foundamental part of my life#maybe she thoight i was an ok one bc me and my familys approach to believe and faith is very relaxed but wth man
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intimacy to me is showing my best friend the pirate au and having them liveblog their weeping/keysmashing/”HOLY SHIT”s in the comments, and then them rockin up in DMs asking after the canon details for the magic system/broader world and me going oh lol nah that’s all my inventions and them like "i don't think i was paying enough attention when you were talking about how much work you were doing” like :’))) crying weeping etc etc i am so unspeakably fucking proud of this project and having them finally lose their mind about it like this is just :’)))))))
#they read like the earliest draft from this time last year#which was the first chapter and a half#which has now been so heavily changed that it's not even the same thing#and they've heard a couple things as i've gone but tge isn't their steaze so i've been underplaying it#and now they're like WHAT THE FUCK AJ#and being like dude you have literally an original book trilogy here#and i'm like#;adklfw;dlkjwfd#i am FULL of EMOTIONS
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Been thinking about the no crime cult discord (the old name for ranboos discord)
Like man I literally spent ALL my time in stream channel for most of 2021 and sc ended so shitty agsvgd like I get why but still
#this probably makes sense to no one#but basically as ranboo got bigger and tge discord got larger#tge mods started enforcing more rules#and basically each channel was its own community#same was for sc and we used to just chat in there all the time#but uh as i said the rules got stricter and we were told we couldnt talk in tgere anymore#and also like i said every channel was its own community and so it kinda displaced two communities#and then it just... died out#idk i miss posting an 'ello' and having everyone say hi back#3 months and itll be the 2 year anniversary of tge cereal war.... like dang#ehhh yeah i got nowt else to say other than i miss it#oh right if you wanna know how chronically online i was : i was the 100th person to reach piglin rank (level 30...idk what the rank is now)#yeah ignorw this avvshsbdd#ember says the thing
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My brain has taken reading books as a coping mechanism this time because music has stopped working atp and 2023 is about to be another 2020 for me
#except idk if I'll be able to survive this time#the last time i took something as coping mechanism was music which was during the start of 2020 and i was in depression#and it feels the same bc tge mental torture my father is putting me through#and i don't want to go back in that headspace again bc that was the worst part of me#like I'm scared and terrified of that part of myself#and it feels like a repeat telecast of how i entered 2020 at this point#and I'm having daily migraines which is again a sign of stress#need to talk to mom but she gives me the worst reaction when i mentioned the 's' word#dni
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unpopular opinion but the perks of being a wallflower movie was better than the book
#LOOK im not saying its better by a shit ton#jus by a wee bit okay#the fact that heroes played in it is just the main reason why its better#it was just THE perfect song for that movie#it fit so well#and just made u feel so numb but also like sobbing at tge same time yknow?#anways#river rambles#perks of being a wallflower
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Man
#My friend forgot that they said theyd come to my house today and even though i texted them.aboht it at 1pm which they read at 3pm they#didnt bother saying ANYTHING to me until literaly rivht now (its nearly 7pm so tge day is effecrively over)#and like. my friend is autistic (so am I obviously) so on one hand im like yeah they probably dont know any better but on the other hand i#WOULDVE known better not because im good with empathy or social stuff but just bc i put in an effort#and like . well what would i say cause. like i said theyre autistic im sure its not great to get upset with an autistic person for doing#something autistic BUT LIKE ITS STILL HURTFUL!!! AND IM AUTISTIC MYSELF#but my mom raised me to be like so painfully aware and competent (in real life online obviously i act like a madman) that its near#impossible for me to hang out with other autistic/adhd people without feeling like their fuckin dad bc they refuse to put in any effort#into our friendship beyond exactly that they feel like doing#and stuff like this is constantly happening like hanging out with them is always overshadowed by the fact that i have to plan everything#and take care of everything and remind them of everything bc otherwise they literally want altho i KNOW they can#*wont#but at the same time im TOO weird to hang out with neurotypicals but with other nd people its always shit like this#and there are few things i hate as much as having to take care of people in contexts like this esp cause it just means i have to mask way#more cuz the others wont put in the slightest effort meanwhile ANY social interaction is like moving a mountain for me ive just gotten#so used to the effort BC WHAT ELSE DO I FUCKING DO I DONT WANNA DIE ALONE#but neither of my friends are as driven with tbis as i am. like if theyre not motivated to do something they literally wont do it#and like im rarely motivated either but THERE IS NO CHOICE BUT TO DO IT !!! but bc i guess their parents never enforced any rules now#they are exhausting to deal with
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gray piano playing is actually a vry conflicted thruline for me bc it's. screenplay indulgence running away from me ww there is actually only two canon piano mentions (one in eli's study. funny enough that's the original mention) which he plays before fauve spooks him (always💖) but he can't. actually play it's just an Ear For Music type detail (dancer guy first and foremost always!!!!!!!!!!!! enjoys being around songs enough that they worm his brain)(also smth smth downlow moon aesthetics. inv moon touching eternal cities n their melody.. always revolving around it. a) anwy the second canon scene is [ultimate secret indulgence] n he doesn't remember playing it that night so :)! my point is. dancer guy >>>>>>>> piano guy
#main tge also only has two little callbacks to piano aes but minor just fkcin got away from me#on account of [i lost my heart / my home is the ocean] same fkcin cornerstone as (redacted canon scene..) gng.#also bc while i cannot resist some dancing indulgence in minor it's too sacred black swan territory for me to pull it a 2nd time#which is also weird bc gray is like. has no innate partner preference as long as he gets to dance (it takes two... cornerstone gap moe ww)#linn just has an edge above others in canon due to ctc & always being available & general What They Have etc#let's not forget dancing was also her aes before it was his.... 2014 lucea hsau deeplore lmao#this post is ALSO getting away from me hi#shadowblogging
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i present to you the most useless talent i possess
#it felt like a workout i didnt breathe the whole time#but then right after some user posted a video in which he played the same song with super perfect score on every single hit#and i was like Holy Fuck#no matter how good you think you are there is always some other dude who does it better than you tenfold#this is a game i started to play a few weeks ago. i've even found a new friend there. she's 25 and lives on the other side of the globe#she's very sweet and compliments my shitty english often#she really adores me for some reason since the very start and it was kinda confusing at first#well not until i figured that we actually play on the steam-exclusive server lol#i had a chat with a few people in my mother tongue there and it genuinely ruined my day#my in-game block list is full and i don't usually block anyone on any platform. steam users are build different i guess#so it was one in a million chance of us to meet each other lol we have a lot in common. its bizzare even#but at the same time we're pretty much the opposites. she likes black. she wants to be shorter. she has a fiancé. she also lives in usa#a few days ago she has sent me a photo of the local protesters outside the cafe she was eating at#with the caption like “in the land of freedom there are protesters everywhere” and i got really sad#i flashbacked to a few years ago when i was trying to run away from the local police officers while attending the protest#its not the “trying to run away” part that got me traumatised for life but the idea of freedom in my country as a whole#ngl that day unironically kinda deformed my faith in humanity. my adolescent naivety and bravery had gone ever since#this is so sad i fear despacito won't be enough to fix this#what a shitty time to be alive dont you think#but if i keep thinking about the stuff i cant control or change no matter how hard i try i will spiral into insanity in a heartbeat#anyway i think she's really cute as well. she also has two cats that she loves so i've finally found a person to send all the cat memes to#also not that long ago some cat-loving english-speaking user wrote to me here and we talked sweetly for a little while#they've told me my crochets are cute and it genuinely made my day better. not because of the compliment but tge thought behind it#english-speaking cat lovers you should know that you're the sweetest people i've ever encountered in my life#but im afraid that my prediabities will develop into diabetes if we keep this up (im not against it)#i wish every person on earth is this kind#this escalated quickly i guess. lets just look at me struggling to keep up with the buttons on the screen
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screams into void i swear im gonna quit (no im not i need money)
#how is it both of my colleagues are useless#i ask once more for one of them to do 2 jobs over 3 days#TGE OTHER ONE NOT THE SAME ONE AS LAST TIME#AND HE DOES NEITHER#IN THREE DAYS#I CAME IN TOFAY ALRESDY KNWING IT WAS GONNA BE BUSY#BUT HAD TO WASTE TIME FOING SIMPLE TASKS THAT HAVE PIT ME SO BEHUBD#I HATE THEM !!!!!#also i got called darling by someone from head office yesterday and i was not in the mood#apparently my hate of that showed on my face too much a dn my boss had to come be like#i know i know but ignore it#sighs i hate men#sweet nothings ˚‧⁺ ･ ˖ ·
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saw horrible take today traumatising.
#sage speaks#'joronia not sectonia' god help me#THEYRE THE SAME PERSON !!! HOW MANY TIMES MUST I REPEAT THIS#the story does NOT have the same impact otherwise#me and the ugly fucking get out of jail free card#sorry this is something im really annoying about#gods i just hate it so much#tbh this is why i hate tge joronia thing now tbh#it feels like a waybto seperate her and her corrupted self feom each other#which i dont like.#it removes alot of her character for me. tbh#the story isn't as powerful to me#and uhhhh idk what else to say it just makes me mad
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#polls#trust me you don't wanna watch tge the Rodfellows#i mean it's a shitty movie made by shitty people#it's also really boring#like 2 hours of basically nothing happening#at one point near the end i blacked out and zoned out at the same time#i guess that's what it means to White out huh
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My train got bumped a second time, but we're finally rolling. I have no idea if that's a correct idiom or whatever but I'm too tired to care
#there's this family. this guy and his two very young children. they were at the platform the first time and now theyre right in front if me#the youngest is like 3. theyve been waiting for more than 4 hours. now that doesn't sound too awful. but its 22:30 rn#like how did not a single thing go right today. theres something broken at several important sections#how the fuck could this happen. we haven't even had any super extreme weathers recently. at least not worse than like 2 weeks ago#and 2 weeks ago it worked just fine#like man. somethings up#everything cant just break at the same time. if that can happen something is wrong#like one thing breaks severly? sucks but oh well its fine. two things? unlucky. everything? what the fuck#ive been praising how well the trains have been running the past few years. and now this happens#its been really reliable until now. only a few lates and cancels every now and then#like a few years ago it would come up on tge news twice a year that the weather conditions were to hot/cold/chaotic to run tge trains#but that has not been an issue lately#and tgen everything just breaks on seemingly the same day#again; public transport is great but when it fails it sure as hell fails badly
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