#but college level i fucking hate kids that's another story i could never teach children

[shakirawastaken]

dsmp if...they were teachers part 2

ANON I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED UR REQUEST IM SO SORRY IM GONNA CRY BUT here it is :D with techno too :) please people send in some requests for meee check out part 1 here!

techno: english (with 1 mythology class for seniors): - hates his english classes wishes he could just teach mythology - would make all the students do a little project on a greek mythology story - rivalry with mr soot  - “ill give u each 10 dollars if u go to mr soots class tmrw talkin about how im a better teacher” - supports each and every kid no matter WHAT even if its not english related - holds detention in his room cause no one wants to fuck with him - like dream he doesnt anyone to get fucked over his english class so he hosts after school office hours like its college - has read all the classic novels and makes his classes read them. he wont move to something else unless some kid IS REALLY passionate about it - “ranboo we will not be reading the diary of a wimpy kid series even if you resonate with greg heffley on an emotional level” - BUT for his english classes he makes them do a general book report project so he can see and appreciate his student’s taste in books  - albeit not the biggest fan of romance novels but knows it ends with us for some reason - brings all the projects home and keeps them in a big storage bin. he loves showing them off to future classes and even you - light. acadmeia. dresses formal, long sleeves, hair tamed, glasses on the bridge of his nose - “tommy please stop swearing. tubbo calm down?” - hold detention with him cause no one fucks with mr blade

phil: principal - best principal ever - has a great relationship with all the staff tbh  - wilbur and techno and tommy arent his sons wdym - no ones rlly scared of getting sent to the principals cause like yk theyre like “oh phil??? hes nice”  - everyone calls him phil - ok i lied everyone BUT tommy isnt scared of going to phils - “I DONT WANT TO GO TO PHILS” “tommy calm down-” - hates the school board, lets the teachers teach what they believe is best for the students - can deal with the consequences - once wilbur got him to play a role in on of the school’s productions - big year for the dsmp high thespians tbh - is married to the guidance counselor kristin - who by the way is a GOOD COUNSELOR - actually does guidance - phils whole office is green - always wears his bucket hat tbh - besties with the other school’s principals

foolish: architecture/woodworking - i think this one was another “duhhh” one - builder man teaches builder children - starts the year with teaching them the basics of everything and then sort of lets them go wild  - is so scared some kid is gonna get hurt - has goggles in every corner of his room, gloves, whatever safety stuff  - loves it when kids work together to make some big project - IN YOUR GUYS’ HOME YOU HAVE A SHELF full of little sharks all the kids made for him its so cute - he makes stuff for you in class and uses it as an excuse to teach  - wears muscle t-s or normal t-shirts never dresses formal  - “it would get in the way of the wood?? duh” - id want to be in his class - is besties with mr jacobs and mr punz the random coach who shows up just to coach basketball in the winter - another teacher everyone simps over - once refused to teach tommy cause he didnt want to “catch a case”

i kinda want to write for the bench trio so here’s STUDENT EDITION

tommy: junior in high school, ta to mr wastakens math class  - tommy signed up to TA for wilbur but then wilbur said “absolutely not” so he got put into dream’s introduction to stats class  - but he also has dream for the period after that for his ap stats class - so hes stuck there for like 2 and a half hours  - dream groaned when he saw who his TA was - makes tommy grade papers and stuff but never tests  - he doesnt trust him with that - tommy is a good kid and usually doesnt disrupt class but when he does its hilarious - expect mr blade doesnt give a second shit about tommy in his class  - tommy is rlly good at drama and math (even though hed never admit hes good at math)  - his locker is a mess  - besties with tubs and ranboo ofc - phil is his father dont tell anyone - he is so adamant on walking home bc he doesnt want people to know that his family works there - always has his red jacket on  - never gets school lunches says they are cursed

tubbo: junior in high school, ta for mr quackity’s spanish class - tubbo likes quackity so he signed up to ta for his class - he isnt good at spanish tho- - quackity knows that but likes tubbo so he lets him be  - sapnap ADORES tubbo for some reason - “TOBY!!! WHATS UP!” “hi mr sapnap” - sapnap thinks tubbo is such a good kid - but  - mr notfound knows tubbo is a menace - “good morning toby” “good morning mr notfound *innocent*” “sit down and get started please” - SO FUNNY LMAO  - tubbo is a menace - pulls a bunch of pranks on the teachers but then the blame always ends on tommy somehow “wHAT- TUBBO DID IT” “no he didnt” - besties with tommy and ranboo ofc - tubbo is rlly good at science but isnt so hot at english - but mr blade is rlly nice and takes him time to help tubbo  - tubbo appreciates it so he gets mr blade a gift at christmas - mr blade teared up - runs thru the hall dragging tom and ranboo behind him no regrets - “STOP RUNNING THROUGH THE HALLS” “no” ranboo: junior in high school, ta for mr blades mythology class - lOVES ta-ing for mr blades class - mr blade kinda lets him chill in the back, stapling papers - no interaction whatsoever - he also now cant wait to take that class next year - mr blade refers to him as my protege a lot  - i hope i used that word right - besties with tommy and tubbo - all the teachers are nice to ranboo and kinda sorry that hes friends with tommy and tubbo LMFAO  - “hi ranboo u doing ok” “yes thank u mr jacobs” “RANBOO! LETS GO! PUDDING DAY IN THE CAFETERIA” “thats my cue mr jacobs” - ranboo usually doesnt get into trouble when he does oh boy its good - not pranks on teachers but school wide pranks - is shy but when someone picks on tommy and tubbo he GOES OFF - attacks them through words - when he gets comfortable in a class he lets out these small comments that get the whole room laughing - so not the class clown but people know hes funny and people respects him 

[seesiderendezvous]

🎓

[abundanceofnots]

a little (just under 2k) playground scene with Lip and Ian as dads, as per @pink--and--white's request. i apologize to all actual parents in advance.

“How the fuck did we get here?” Lip asks through a huff of incredulous laughter.

Ian shades his eyes from the sun, turning to his older brother with a look of mock concern. “Your memory that bad already, old man? We drove here.”

It earns him a stinging smack on his thigh.

“Asshole,” Lip retorts back. “You know what I mean.”

Ian’s eyes flit back to the scene before them. “Yeah, I do,” he confirms a beat later, his voice more earnest this time.

This, by far, isn’t a new feeling. Lip’s had the exact same thought pass through his mind countless times in recent years, always in a momentary flash of warmth that filled up his whole chest. It happens all the more often now over the most mundane shit, though.

The first time was, probably, when Freddie was born. Then Ian got married, and Al came along, and Liam got to a good school—and after that followed every other quiet (not literally) evening when the whole family gathered up in the kitchen.

In those instants, Lip would stall himself for just a second, getting lost in the overwhelming sounds and visuals, and think, what the fuck.

He’s getting soft. That’s it, most likely. He’s getting soft and sentimental, going on with his extremely unexceptional life, wondering how in the hell did a piece of shit like himself get so lucky, and slowly becomes someone he’d gladly punch in the face not too long ago.

It hits him hard again, this strange sense of pride and wonder, as he sits next to his baby brother on a bench overlooking a kids’ playground.

This one’s the real deal. Everything here is child-proof and clean, with no syringe or dogshit in sight. Frank or some random homeless guy aren’t lying in a drunken coma by the swing sets. There’s not even one bullet hole in the slide. And maybe it’s not so hard to admit that this is actually pretty nice. That this is them now.

Still, the whole thing is, without a doubt, totally ridiculous. Here they are, Lip and Ian—the college dropout and the ex-con, the true sons of the South Side—sneakily munching on their kids’ packed afternoon snacks.

“Dumb luck, I guess,” Ian answers Lip’s question after some musing and takes a sip from Toe’s pink-colored juice box.

Lip hmms before he bites into a baby carrot. “For us, or them?”

“For us. Definitely.”

They’re just two regular dads who carry around lunchboxes and always have a wet wipe or a pack of tissues at hand, ready to blow noses and wipe off residue chocolate from chins and hands. There aren’t enough words in the English language that would describe how incredibly ridiculous this is, because once upon a time, not too long ago, still, Ian wore a jumpsuit with Dav on the nametag and believed this was it for him, and Lip thought the only way to get through life was by drinking himself through the ordeal.

How the fuck did they get here?

“Freddie! Hey, Freddie!” Lip calls out to his oldest, who hangs upside down from the monkey bars, effectively ignoring him. “Fred!” he tries again with an annoyed sigh, and the boy finally remembers how his ears work. “Can you help your cousin on the slide?”

“Okay!”

With a swift motion, Freddie pulls himself up again to grab hold of a bar, unhooking his knees in the process, and jumps down into the sand with practiced ease. He then immediately gets into a run, coming behind the red-headed girl in black overalls who’s been trying to climb the gentle ramp on her own.

“What was that about?” Ian inquires amusedly.

“Early puberty, I think. He doesn’t want us to call him Freddie anymore. It’s Fred. No Fredster, no Fredtastic, definitely no Fredosaurus. Just Fred. Apparently, I went to bed, and my son turned into a middle-aged man overnight.”

“Oof. That’s rough.”

“Yeah. The next thing I know, he’s gonna get a neck tattoo and his first STI. Al, buddy!” His younger son Alvin, at least, seems to have no trouble with hearing. “You need help? Want me to push you?”

“No, I’m good!” the blond kid shouts back from the swing, and to prove his point, he pushes himself harder off the ground to gain momentum.

Lip scratches his forehead. “They don’t need me anymore,” he comments darkly. “I am officially a bother.”

“You’ve always been a bother,” Ian notes before he stuffs his mouth full of grapes. “Come on, Lip. Freddie’s eight. He’s not exactly packing his bags to leave home. He’s still very much a daddy’s boy.”

“I don’t know, man. When I remember what I was already doing when I was his age….”

“Yeah, but that’s different. They’re not like us. They don’t need to be, and that’s a good thing.”

Ian’s right, but the concept of normal as something desirable, something he doesn’t necessarily need to rebel against, is something Lip may never fully come to grasps with. And neither does Ian, even if he says otherwise.

“We might be getting a dog,” Lip says after a while, pausing before he sinks his teeth into a cheese stick.

“No way!” Ian smirks at him. “Look at you, perfect American family and shit.”

Lip snorts at that. He and Tami are pretty damn far from perfect. “You not thinking about getting a pet? A friendly rottweiler for Mickey, perhaps?”

“No. First, I gotta talk him into having another kid.”

That takes Lip by surprise. He knows Ian absolutely adores his little girl, his mini ginger twin that everyone got to call Toe, short for Tomato, but he also knows the whole story behind how she came to be.

“Oh, yeah? You’d like another?”

“Yeah,” Ian admits, and as his eyes drop to his lap where his fingers fiddle with a paper straw, Lip realizes he sounds ashamed about it.

“Not as easy as poking holes in condoms with you guys, huh?” he jokes to release the sudden tension.

“Hah. No.”

“You told Mickey yet?”

Meeting his brother’s eyes again, Ian gives a noncommittal shrug. “I hinted.”

From experience, Lip knows that hinting in Ian’s case almost exclusively means Mickey is fully aware of his intentions and just chooses to ignore them before Ian confronts him head-on.

“Hopefully, you’ll have another girl,” he tells Ian after a quiet moment filled with children’s high-pitched screams and the steady screeching of a swing set. “It’s a lot more physical with boys. These two are already fighting like we used to.”

“Doesn’t really matter when you’re raising a Milkovich,” Ian remarks before yelling: “Hey, Toe? You wanna have a sip of your juice for me?”

The girl waves at them eagerly as she slides down the bendy chute. Getting to a run right as her feet touch the ground, she comes to a jolty halt in front of them, taking a good, hard look at the juice box as if only now realizing what’s expected of her.

“No, thank you,” Toe then peeps and skips off again.

“Polite,” Lip appraises.

Ian gives a low chuckle. “Fuckin’ weird, huh?”

“With Mickey as her dad? A little.”

They watch the kids play for a few minutes. Ian offers to exchange a cheese stick for three grapes, and Lip negotiates it up to five before agreeing.

“You think he’d be against it? Having another kid?” he asks Ian mid-chew.

“I mean, I wouldn’t blame him, after all the shit with Terry. Maybe with a second kid, he’d think there’d be twice the damage he could do. Dunno,” Ian surmises uncertainly. “I know how hard it was for him to even want a kid, and I get why he was scared. Don’t get me wrong, I’m shitting myself every day when I think of the ways I could fuck this up. But he’s a great dad. You saw him with Toe. She’s obsessed with him. The way she laughs at everything he says makes you think he invented comedy or something.”

Lip’s aware that their conversation turned sort of serious once again, but he can’t help not breaking into a smile. “Sounds like you’re kinda jealous of your husband there, Ian.”

“Oh, I hate his guts,” his brother confirms, only partially kidding. “I’m a fun dad, too, you know.” As if on cue, a figure coming their way catches his attention, and Ian nods to where his daughter’s playing, telling Lip: “Okay, watch this.”

Mickey gestures at Freddie with a finger to his lips, coming around the slide just in time to catch his daughter in his arms with a victorious roar.

“Daddy!” Toe announces the good news to everyone around with a loud squeal.

Ian gives his brother a pointed look.

“Fuck, man,” Lip huffs with mock seriousness. “You tellin’ me she loves her dad? What a nightmare.”

“Yo, lunch ladies.” Mickey suddenly approaches them with Toe at his hip. “How ’bout less chit-chatting and more kid-watching? Think I’d remember if I left my kid with a giant fuckin’ bruise on her forehead this morning.”

“Yeah. She’s had a bit of a scuffle with Alvin earlier,” Ian says, reaching out to soothingly rub Toe’s calf as if said scuffle and the tears it brought weren’t already long forgotten.

“The hell’s he doin’ fightin’ someone half his size?!”

“She started it!” Lip counters weakly.

“Okay.” Mickey’s mouth hangs open for a minute before he finds his figurative footing again. “I guess she had her reasons for that. And you should teach your kids to not fight dirty.”

“I go play now,” Toe informs him then, putting a stop to his rant and his bad mood in one go.

“Yeah! You do that!” Mickey replies as he puts her down, matching her level of enthusiasm. She heads for the extensive pirate-ship-like construction this time, watchful cousin Freddie already on her heels, and Mickey drops heavily next to his husband, letting out a prolonged groan into his hands.

“Tough day?” Ian asks needlessly.

“Igor’s a fuckin’ idiot.”

“Told you he was.”

“And I agree, so drop it, a’ight? Hey, by the way.”

“Hey,” Ian echoes before they exchange a quick kiss.

Mickey notices the juice in his hands then and perks up. “That raspberry?” he checks after he’s already snagged the box for himself, taking loud slurps from it to get every last drop. He finishes off with a belch. “Fuckin’ love raspberry.”

Lip finds that anything he’d say at that moment would only spoil the natural fucking beauty of it, so he just appreciates with a private snicker.

“Daddy! Daddy!” Toe yells from the top of one of the pirate ship’s smaller slides. “Come play!”

Mickey pats at Ian’s thigh. “That’s on you, man. I’m beat.”

Putting his fun-dad face on, Ian heaves himself up without a complaint. “Hey, jellybean! Do you think your dad can fit on the slide, too?”

Toe shakes her head vehemently, giggling as she watches Ian jog toward her. “No, daddy! No! No!”

“What, you don’t think I can?” Ian asks again, halfway through his climb up on the board. “Well, take off your socks now because they might get blown off! I’mma fit!”

“Daddy!” Toe howls with laughter as he bumps his head on one of the low railings.

Beside Lip, Mickey imitates the reaction, both his hand and the phone he’s holding with it to record a video visibly shaking. When he notices Lip staring, his grin falters a little.

“These two jokers,” Mickey complains after he ends the recording. “She always laughs at everything he does like he invented comedy or some shit.”

Lip answers with a knowing smile, his chest feeling full of warmth.

Seriously, how the fuck did they get here?

[indecisive-behaviors]

Originally I was just going to add this as a reblog to my previous post about the parking lot scene in KK2 but it’s almost 2k words so now it’s getting it’s own post. Be forewarned- this is fucking long.

TW for discussion of PTSD, child abuse, neglect, injury, and death, in relation to topics surrounding the show, under the cut-

Obviously, Cobra Kai is a show based around the premise of “what happened to that Lawrence kid after he got kicked in the face?”, which is honestly a pretty cool idea for a show. Johnny’s story is never explained past sitting on the sidewalk with his head in his hands at the tournament, and there are no real context clue’s to figure out what may or may not have happened.

In the show we get to learn early on that Johnny’s life spiraled after the tournament, going from bad to worse to “holy shit how are you still alive”-dropping out/never going to college, working jobs he seems to hate, becoming an alcoholic, presumably many dead end relationships, and not being there for his kid. And yeah, obviously, this would be a hard pill to swallow for anyone watching the show if Johnny had just lost the tournament. If we never got the scene in KK2, he would have just been some kid who lost a tournament- we see at the end of the first movie that(through tears holy shit Billy) that Johnny is the one who gives the trophy to Daniel with his famous line, “You’re alright, LaRusso.” There’s a level of grudging respect in that moment that isn’t lost on anyone who sees that movie- that Johnny, who throughout the movie only sees Daniel as some whimpy kid, gets proven wrong and respects that. If we didn’t have that scene, there’s reason to believe Johnny would have apologized, tried to make amends, Something, even if it was just being less of a dick at school.

But then, we get the parking lot. We get a far off shot, intended to distance you from the scene, framed over Daniel’s shoulder. This makes sense, Daniel is the main character, the protagonist, the underdog hero- why wouldn’t it be framed in his perspective? But the scene is about Johnny. We get the shouting match, the back and forth- “No, you’re the loser man.”- and again it’s fairly obvious how Johnny sees this situation. This is a man who we assume(and is later confirmed) to be a surrogate father figure, who set his friend up for failure, and then basically forced him to do the same by targeting an injured opponent, and forcing him to fight without honor. This same man presumably follows a teenager out to the parking lot, to harass him, to tell him he’s off the team, to tell him he’s a loser, that he’s nothing.

But at that point, Johnny knows the truth, even if subconsciously. At the end of the day Johnny knows that Daniel LaRusso was a worthy opponent, and that regardless of the cheating and manipulation, Daniel could have won anyway, and did win, despite of it.

And then Kreese grabs him, too fast to react to, Johnny too surprised even knowing that Kreese is the bad guy here, not believing that he would ever willingly hurt him- and Johnny isn’t strong enough to fight him off, none of the boys are, so Johnny is forced to suffocate for almost a full 30 seconds(which I double checked for the record- also as a reference, 30 seconds is about the average time it takes for a person voluntarily holding their breath to pass out- this does not account for the oxygen lost during a struggle, and the lack of preparation from both surprise and panic. The only silver lining here is the fact that Kreese was most likely compressing his windpipe, not his jugular, which would have made him pass out in about 5-10 seconds, and would have caused permanent brain damage or death in about 15).

Now, PTSD is a complex thing. I’m not a psychiatrist, and what small amount of information we have is all we have to work off of, but I feel fairly comfortable in saying Johnny mostly likely developed it after the incident. This not an uncommon take in the fandom as far as I’m aware either. But, if we assume this, we also have to assume that after the fact nothing would have been done about this. Not just in the sense that we still don’t really know everything that happened right after the tournament, but that in the early 80s, PTSD wasn’t really a thing yet.

Sure it was absolutely a condition that existed, but Post Traumatic Stress Disorder wasn’t even added to the DSM-III until 1980- and for a long time afterward, was only seen as a condition that affected primarily war vets. Even after an event as traumatic as having a man you considered a father trying to kill you, in public, without remorse, would not have been seen as something to warrant the diagnoses, let alone treatment.

Johnny Lawrence was 17 when Kreese tried to kill him, and this boy would have been offered no resources beyond filing charges with the police. And as we see in KK3, either this didn’t happen either, or someone(presumably Silver) got the charges dropped. So on top of almost being murdered, Johnny had to live with the fact that the man who did that to him was still out there, and to top it off, still ran a dojo at least for a few months after the event. The only relief he could have gotten is after Kreese faked his death.

And sure, Mr Miyagi may have gotten Kreese to let go eventually, but as several people have pointed out in comments and tags, left him and the other boys alone with Kreese still standing there in the parking lot and just... drove off. Kreese has already been established to be a psycho with no problem hurting children, a little bit of glass might not have prevented him from trying again.

So why did I talk about all of that? Because it all contributes to why Daniel LaRusso works as a credible antagonist in season 1 of Cobra Kai.

Think about this- Johnny blames losing everything on Daniel in season 1, but we specifically get a shot in KK1 and later KK2(”You’re alright, LaRusso” and “I did my best” come to mind) where he seems to be at least mostly accepting of the fact that he lost(with what was actually an illegal kick but that’s a rant for another time). So why does he blame him for everything 30 years later?

Because 30 years later, Johnny is forced to go outside, go to work, and pretend like he doesn’t see what feels like every street corner(including right outside his apartment mind you), a literal billboard sized reminder of what happened to him.

The rest of this is mostly speculation but it makes sense in my head so bear with me.

When we get introduced to Robby, it’s made pretty clear that Johnny has not been in his life for a bit. In season 2 we get Johnny’s heart to heart with Miguel, where he divulges that he missed the birth, because he spiraled after his mom’s death. This however doesn’t suggest that he stayed gone, especially knowing that it wasn’t long enough for Robby to not consider seeking out his dad. Because tacked up to the fridge, is a picture of Robby in his soccer uniform as a kid. It’s an early detail you can see in previous episodes, and says a lot about how Robby grew up. To be fair, this could have been given to him by Shannon, and not taken himself, but it’s the sport Robby’s playing that makes me question this. KK1 dedicates an entire scene to Johnny being on the soccer team in high school. Soccer, while maybe not as important to him as karate, is still part of his character. Robby does not know karate in season 1, Johnny obviously didn’t share it with him, but that doesn’t mean Johnny didn’t share anything with him.

So Johnny’s back in his kids life, maybe doing better for himself, maybe cutting back on the drinking. LaRusso Auto is already established to exist at this point but it’s in Encino, a place Johnny has no reason to go to, and probably doesn’t want to. He’s trying again and things are okay. But Robby knows enough about Daniel to know that going to him will piss off his dad. So Johnny had to have talked about him at some point. The billboards here are what’s important- they’re in the first episode, the first scene montage, Johnny draws a dick on one of them as some petty revenge.

The first billboard goes up in the late 2000s to mid 2010s. Johnny sees it, maybe he has Robby with him at the time, maybe he goes home and says something there, but he says something in a way that sticks with even a child as being important. More billboards go up. Dealerships starting popping up more and more. Daniel’s face, and by extension, the memories, the flashbacks, become inescapable. Johnny, for a third time, spirals again. Before he even knows what’s happening, he’s lost his relationship with his son. And it’s all Daniel’s fault. Of course Daniel doesn’t do it deliberately, but the constant reminders are enough to send him back into a tailspin and Johnny blames him for it.

Because it’s Daniel who is a constant reminder of his failures- it’s Daniel who caused him to lose the tournament and almost get killed, Daniel who put up the billboards that trigger his flashbacks, it’s always Daniel Daniel Daniel.

And then Johnny gets it in his head that he wants to be better. He opens a dojo, teaches Miguel and the other kids, wants to try again- and he almost succeeds.

Johnny up to this point has not deliberately antagonized Daniel in any way. Sure he named the dojo Cobra Kai, but Cobra Kai is all he knows. Besides Johnny doesn’t blame karate for his failures, his best memories are Cobra Kai and he’s trying to be better than Kreese. So what’s the harm in this really? His building is in Reseda, there’s no reason for Daniel to ever be there, he doesn’t do it out of spite, it’s because he lives there and rent is cheap. He doesn’t know about KK3, doesn’t know about Daniel’s own trauma. This isn’t an attack. Johnny sincerely just doesn’t know.

Enter Daniel, stage left. Daniel makes no attempt to talk to him- he simply makes demands and accusations, before he starts making active attempts to put him out of business.

Sure, we as the audience know Daniel has good reasons to not want Cobra Kai back. But Johnny doesn’t. All Johnny knows is that the kid he picked on in high school- who won, who got everything Johnny wanted, who grew up to be successful, has a wonderful wife, two kids who love him, a thriving business- is doing everything he can to make his life hell 30 years after the fact.

And this could only have happened because in 1986 John G. Avildsen decided to add in a scene meant for the original movie into the sequel, for absolutely no fucking reason.

[ahgastae]

💖 fire escape character bgs 💞

hey, everyone!! this is a bit different from what i usually post, but i wanted to do a lil something extra to make up for missing updates recently. so, i decided i wanted to give you guys a little bit more background regarding the characters in fire escape felonies. it’s not anything too story breaking or spoiler-y, but just to kinda get a better idea of the characters and their relationships with each other. it’s also perfectly okay if you’d like to ignore this!! like i said it has no bearing on the actual story and won’t affect it in any way!

now, in the words of jeon jungkook, let’s get it! (under the cut bc this might get a lil long lol)

starting off w the main trio in apartment 320

l/n y/n

twitter @: thotticus

like her twitter bio says, part time student, full time gamer

y/n’s a youtube gamer and has amassed a pretty sizable following for herself

not as much as jungkook tho, something the streamer will never miss a chance to point out

she mostly deals with single player games, the hot new releases that everyone’s talking about

every once in a while she’ll play something mulitplayer w kook but he always brags about how much better he is than her

“wE’Re On tHe SAmE TeAM yOu AsS >:(((((”

“ur still shit lol”

she also vlogs sometimes too but it’s kinda hard when yoongi doesn’t like to be on camera and jungkook is,,,,,jungkook

the only relief she gets is when she’s in class

tho as a psych major even that’s not very much lol

at least the TA’s cute

jeon jungkook

twitter @: goldnmaknae 

used to be a uni student, now a gaming streamer online

streamer, everyone, not youtuber

call him a youtuber and he’ll flip his shit

(looking @ you, yoongi)

mostly plays online mutliplayer games like overwatch or (to y/n’s disgust) fortnite

loves to flex how many more followers he has than y/n

like he fuckin lives for it

but despite how much he likes to tease her, he will play w y/n on stream sometimes

tbh those are probably some of his viewers’ fav streams

their banter and absolute fucking lack of brain cells between them makes for some pretty goldn moments

(eh?? eh???)

(i’m sorry i’ll just move on lol)

min yoongi

claims he doesn’t have a twitter

(tho jungkook firmly believes he has a secret acct to stalk him and y/n with)

“i go to work to get away from you idiots, why tf would i want to see what bullshit you put online??”\

jk, still: suspicious  (←_←)

yoongi says he works at a music shop and his roommates are too trusting and too dumb to actually look into it

he seriously wonders how they haven’t started to question it

like ffs sometimes he doesn’t come home until well past midnight and neither of them even notice??

how they both managed to get into college is and always be a mystery to him

especially after he caught them trying to wash g fuel out of holly’s fur

that’s pretty much how yoongi’s life goes

when he’s not at work, he’s either trying to keep his disaster roommates from killing each other or he’s trying not to strangle them himself

and he’s come a lot closer to the latter than he’d like to admit

next is the gang above, lovely apartment 420

kim taehyung

twitter @: cgv 

not many people know it, but taehyung is actually the anonymous singer ‘v’!

he keeps his identity super well guarded, only telling the people he pretty much trusts with his life

(yes, that includes jimin)

bc he can pretty much choose his own schedule and work from home he spends a lot of time alone in the apartment

a lot,,,of time

impulsively dyes his hair pretty much every other week bc he gets bored and lonely

(rip jimin’s bathroom)

but!!! his music brings money in and it’s bc of his anonymity that he gets to keep his private life, too so he feels like he can’t really complain

owns the cutest doggo in the world aka yeontan

(admittedly another impulsive decision when he was left alone but oh well)

would literally go to hell and back for his dog

and his friends too, i guess, but being a yeontan stan comes first ya know??

park jimin

twitter @: princeofbusan 

jimin teaches contemporary dance at a local studio

his class are mostly oriented for teens and young adults

(and he totally doesn’t get a bunch of teenage girls that are just in his classes bc he’s cute ofc not lol)

the epitome of ‘looks like a cinnamon roll but could actually kill you’

sweet and understanding while teaching but is constantly one step from tearing someone’s head off when he’s w his friends

most of the time poor tae ends up falling the victim

he understand that taehyung gets antsy being home by himself so much but jimin just cannot handle it always being at fucking 11

sometimes he just wants to come home and relax but instead he has to wrestle his pillow away from yeontan or scrub his hands raw trying to keep taehyung’s stupid hair dye from staining his counter top

so yeah, he does get a little pissy sometimes

but that doesn’t mean he still wouldn’t do anything he can to help his friends

believe it or not, there’s actually a pretty big heart in that smol angry body of his

jung hoseok

twitter @: hopeworld 

hoseok works at the same dance studio as jimin, except he teaches hip hop and modern

his classes are mainly children and preteens

seriously tho all the kids adore him and their parents love that he’s able to give them a break for an hour or two

unlike jimin, hobi looks like a cinnamon roll and is actually a cinnamon roll

tries his best to act as the mediator in the apartment, even if that means sometimes pissing off one of his two roommates

(spoiler alert: it’s mostly jimin)

he’s probably the most understanding of the three, getting where jimin’s frustrations are coming from but knowing that tae doesn’t always really think things through

but he also hates taking sides, and that’s why he sometimes chooses to stay out of it completely

he’ll hang out at the studio and work on choreography or teaching methods to keep himself occupied

at least,,,until one of them drag him back into things to fix it

just stay positive, hoseok

a little hope can go a long ways

and finally, the namjin condo

kim seokjin

twitter @: lejindary

jin works as a pretty well known chef in the city

a very important skill, he says, bc they would have been dead after 3 days if he let namjoon cook

joon somewhat takes offense to this statement

jin doesn’t give a shit

him and hoseok met each other in college, and kept in touch even after they both graduated and moved in with their own dumbass roomies

jin actually met namjoon through hobi

hoseok and namjoon used to be roommates bc they were in the same year, but joon needed someone else to help him with rent after hobi moved out

hoseok suggested seokjin (partially bc he knew namjoon wouldn’t survive cooking on his own) and the rest is history

kim namjoon

twitter @: rmofficial

one h*ckin smart boi

still going to uni for his masters in psychology

lived w hoseok back when they were both getting their bachelors, but moved in with jin after hoseok graduated

he TAs for one of the bachelor’s level psych courses, but his ‘primary’ career is the music he makes outside of school

namjoon is the rapper RM, insanely popular both locally and online

he’s incredibly grateful, but even he has trouble balancing everything in his life every once in a while

(and on his lowest days, he sometimes wishes he’d gone the anonymous route like taehyung)

that’s why, like hoseok, he tries his best to stay out of any arguments among their friend group

it’s not that he doesn’t care, he’s just got way too much going on to worry about some petty disagreement

but they can still always count on joon to help when they really need it

[yuanfenbd-blog]

YUANFEN FEST ROUND 1: GUESS WHO'S

The long wait is over! After two weeks of posting, our first round is finally wrapping up but before anything else, let's play a little game! Try to guess who among our talented pool of authors wrote which fic! We gathered a diverse collection for this round — from college AUs, to coming-of-age fic, to supernatural themes among many others! But if you read enough fic or know a particular author, surely there must be some whose writing struck a chord or seemed familiar with you.

Can you make enough guesses before we post our reveals? See our master list below!

♡ DAY 1 ♡

Red Sunset Glow by anonymous

T | 35.7k

If someone had told Kyungsoo that all it takes to shut Baekhyun up—and, maybe, get over his fears—is one simple, one scary kiss, maybe he would have tried it sooner. Maybe.

Hop in, I can take you there (Follow the path to my heart) by anonymous

E | 12.2k

Baekhyun, who doesn’t believe in love at the first sight, meets a cute guy called Kyungsoo while visiting his grandmother on the countryside and he thinks that Kyungsoo might be the one. The only obstacle is that Kyungsoo is a cucumber farmer.

Let Me Care, You Deserve So Much Better by anonymous

M | 8.4k

What Kyungsoo sees in the newly acquainted Baekhyun is someone who deserves a lot more. Baekhyun doesn't see it himself, but Kyungsoo is about to change everything he's ever known.

(Oh!) I Can't Stop by anonymous

E | 4.9k

Baekhyun and Kyungsoo are roommates, Baekhyun’s had a big secret crush on Kyungsoo since forever, Chanyeol and Jongdae are questionable friends. Well.

♡ DAY 2 ♡

I Could Be The One To Set You Free by anonymous

M | 20.8k

(fake dating!au) Actor Do Kyungsoo thinks that he is too good at leaving love, but Idol Byun Baekhyun teaches him otherwise because loving someone can be simple.

a cataclysm of minor proportions by anonymous

M | 6.6k

Roommates!AU. Kyungsoo finds a kitty on the streets on his way home and brings it to their apartment to take care of it, but apparently Baekhyun is afraid of cats?

If You Like Me, Say You Like Me by anonymous

M | 3k

It shouldn't be so difficult for Baekhyun to figure out his Kyungsoo problem, not that he has one.

it don't run in our blood by anonymous

M | 14k

When crown prince Kyungsoo learns he's been betrothed to someone since before he was born, he has a hard time trying to adjust to the idea before his fiancé arrives at the palace. It doesn't help that his husband-to-be defies all his expectations - but in the worst or best way?

♡ DAY 3 ♡

Revisions by anonymous

E | 11.3k

It wasn’t as if liking Kyungsoo was a big secret; like it’d be out of character or weird for him. He was out and Professor Do was a fairly liked, and lusted after, instructor on campus. Still there was something unsettling to Baekhyun about making it concrete, even for a moment.

Limes and Coastlines by anonymous

M | 28.3k

Answers submerge when you've faced the eye of the storm—thus, Kyungsoo stood on his toes, nearing the ledge, gazing into the dark, deep end. Close to pulling back, closer to falling in.

Love is Forever (Your Forever is All That I Need) by anonymous

T | 76.8k

"I’ve never felt forever when I kissed someone. Have you?" Baekhyun heard himself whisper, voice as gentle as the first notes of a lullaby meant to tame a child’s fear and lure them into a gentle slumber filled with nothing but sweet melodies to dance around with instead.

Winter Heat by anonymous

E | 23.5k

Kyungsoo and Baekhyun somehow, conveniently, get trapped together in a snowstorm and are forced to survive. Easier said than done since they can't stand each other.

♡ DAY 4 ♡

Engraved in Your Heart by anonymous

E | 28.2k

Highschool!AU where Baekhyun, high school bad boy and leader of a street gang, falls in love with a social outcast, the blind kid, Kyungsoo.

Be Careful What You Wish For by anonymous

M | 7.3k

Baekhyun didn't expect Yixing to suddenly go out of town and ask him to house sit. He also wasn't expecting to find and break a cool looking crystal orb in his attic. He especially wasn't expecting a man named Do Kyungsoo to appear of it and give him a hard time. That's for sure.

redamancy by anonymous

M | 4.5k

Oddly, he feels like he’s on a ‘time out’, the kind that children get from their parents when they do something bad and have to reflect about it in the corner. Except, Baekhyun is a grown up man and Kyungsoo is supposed to be his bandmate-cum-boyfriend.

Pen Me Down by anonymous

M | 7.7k

“I would rather kill a panda.” “You’re terrible. They are endangered!” “That should tell you much I hate the idea of kissing him then.”

♡ DAY 5 ♡

Penny for your Socks by anonymous

M | 5.2k

Baekhyun didn't expect his soulmate to be so unfashionable; Kyungsoo knew his was an asshole.

Another Dream Away by anonymous

T | 15.9k

For years Baekhyun has dreamed of a dragon prince, living out his everyday life within the confines of the dragon realm. What he hadn't realized was that the dragon prince dreamed of him too.

he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives by anonymous

M | 10k

Who would have thought summoning a fifth level demon to win a singing contest could have such interesting consequences? Certainly not Byun Baekhyun.

Simmer, Sizzle, Savour by anonymous

M | 8.7k

Kyungsoo just doesn't know what to do about his student from hell.

♡ DAY 6 ♡

Sick and Sweet by anonymous

M | 2.3k

Kyungsoo gets sick on a Sunday and Baekhyun’s there to help him get well.

On top of the world, we are together by anonymous

Not Rated | 5.9k

Everything is going right in Kyungsoo’s life. He never thought it can get even better, until Byun Baekhyun came along.

My One and Only by anonymous

E | 19.8k

Hybrid!Baekhyun just loves his human so much, which is why he tries to be happy for Kyungsoo's relationships, even if they make his poor heart hurt so mysteriously much.

You and Me (Equals World War 3) by anonymous

G | 14.3k

Baekhyun and Kyungsoo are rival singers, until their labels decide to debut them as a duo for a project. Cue pranks, awkward meetings and bickering galore. But in the end, could their shared passion for music and the fact that they may have more in common than they thought, be enough to overcome their rivalry?

♡ DAY 7 ♡

true blue by anonymous

E | 25k

With things going sharply downhill at the newspaper, Kyungsoo has two options. One: He could lose his job and say goodbye to his journalistic career entirely. Two: He could do his best to ruin Byun Baekhyun's reputation. The choice, in his opinion, is obvious. Or he thought it was, at least.

Trouble at the Sandbox by anonymous

G | 23.7k

Kyungsoo didn't plan on going to the park. He also didn't plan on meeting Baekhyun.

The Janitor's Closet by anonymous

M | 3.2k

“Hey fat ass, do you really have to block the hall?”

“I’m not sure if that’s my problem when there’s enough to go around.”

“Pfft! Says the guy who can’t even hit a basic falsetto note!”

“That literally has nothing to do with this conversation and at least I can sing!”

Jongdae sighs as he closes his locker. Kyungsoo and Baekhyun throwing argument after argument at each other.

“They have to be fucking.” He says. “There’s no way two people that are always this irritated with each other but always together aren’t fucking.”

Chanyeol let’s out a laugh. “No way.” He looks down at Jongdae who looks up at seriously. His face falls. “No way!”

Soul Ink by anonymous

M | 26.6k

Baekhyun’s favourite past time is to pretend to work whilst day dreaming about the new tattoo artist.

♡ DAY 8 ♡

The power of a crush by anonymous

M | 2k

Kyungsoo gets crushed.

Stay By My Side by anonymous

Baekhyun didn't want a bodyguard but Kyungsoo showed up to work anyway. Maybe he doesn't mind it as much as he thinks.

hear my story, set me free by anonymous

M | 9.4k

Kyungsoo just wants to get the job done and go home to his dog, but Baekhyun has other plans. Alternatively, where Baekhyun and Kyungsoo pry open each others' hearts and lay their stories out for display.

Drifting Lights by anonymous

M | 10.6k

Librarian Do Kyungsoo and intern Yixing have gotten quite a number of complaints of damaged books. After a bit of detective work, they found one common clue - they’re all missing page 241.

♡ DAY 9 ♡

Breath of the Forest by anonymous

G | 12.3k

Baekhyun wants to explore the forbidden forest on the edge of town. He leaves Kyungsoo and enters the woods by himself, forcing Kyungsoo to run after him before he gets hurt or in trouble. The only problem: Kyungsoo has asthma.

Tug of War by anonymous

E | 30.2k

Baekhyun feeds off of affection... literally. Without affection and love, he will wither away. Enter Kyungsoo, the last man Baekhyun should fall for, the man that drains the life from everyone he touches.

Words of Fate by anonymous

G | 3.5k

How is Kyungsoo supposed to find his soulmate when his only clue to lead him to them is the word written on his wrist that no one could understand?

say you won't let go by anonymous

E | 3.4k

“What’s the safety word?” Kyungsoo asks. “Dracarys,” Baekhyun replies.

♡ DAY 10 ♡

As Easy as Breathing (In, Out, In, Out, In Out) by anonymous

M | 39.9k

Falling in love with Baekhyun was just like breathing - easy, natural. It was everything else that was hard. (A Howl's Moving Castle AU)

Did someone say cute? by anonymous

M | 2.4k

Baekhyun is crazy for cute things, and Kyungsoo is super cute. He falls head over heels, low-key obsessed and melting inside whenever Kyungsoo does something especially adorable. Kyungsoo refuses to believe he's cute though.

leave me breathless by anonymous

M | 8.4k

If Baekhyun had the chance to call the police on someone so handsome he knocks the air out of his lungs, the perfect time would be now.

kissing the devil by anonymous

M | 10.1k

A cry rings in his ears and all Baekhyun's struck by is the familiarity.

♡ DAY 11 ♡

Count On Me by anonymous

M | 8k

Kyungsoo happened to discover not the El Dorado but a key to deepen his connection with Baekhyun through the latter's secret tumblr dashboard.

under the same sky by anonymous

G | 21.9k

It's what Baekhyun liked to call their story: a love that transcended the summer. Includes but is not limited to: lunchboxes, Thursdays, a wall painting, postcards, and sunrises and sunsets.

Kiss Me, Tell Me by anonymous

T | 9.2k

Kyungsoo never expected to have his ass dragged on a challenge. He had no idea what to do next.

good to love by anonymous

E | 24.8k

Between Beijing and Tokyo, Kyungsoo finds a stranger, and perhaps so much more.

✐ AUTHORS ✐

Agrippa

ambrosiaplease

anon_nim

babychocosoo

baekdsooshi @ AFF

Bbaegi

cabbages

cheesenim

crownjules

Daphnean

dosmilkshake

encoru

endboss

fadetomorrow

foxxlight

heartshapedlips

jkl_401

Junchenny

kissmebaek

kozens

kumo_is_kumo

kynqso

lady-serendipity (jenzz)

lispkid @ tumblr

london9calling

marcel

mochified

quebaek

reihino

sehnsvcht

SmilingTeresa

subduedblue

sunsethue

taegyungie

taeyeons

UNCONQU3R3D

vavole

wisteries

X_yehet_pcy

yibaek

Yifanning

zannen

[bgonemydear]

Why are you leaving teaching?

oooh nonny, get ready for a long answer.

so basically I have a love/hate relationship with teaching/education in our country (the US). but there are a MYRIAD of reasons as to why I’m leaving the profession, so buckle up cause I’m slightly drunk and I turned in my resignation this past week so I’m ready to let it all out.

1) I am at my core an introvert, in the sense that I get absolutely exhausted when i have to be “on” and working with other people, or even just socializing! and I LOVE LOVE LOVE working with my students while I’m in the classroom and helping them understand mathematics and fuck I will miss it so much, but I will not miss having to be responsible for 150 teenagers every single work day and worrying about them on my evenings and over the weekend. I thought my passion for teaching and for mathematics would help outweigh the drain that is being an introvert in an extroverted profession, but unfortunately, after five years, my mental health has just gotten worse and worse and I had to make the decision to do right by ME first and foremost, which is the hardest thing ever. Let me tell you, I started to go see a therapist finally this year and the amount of times she has pointed out to me that when she asks me how I will feel/respond to things, I ALWAYS first respond with how things will affect my students. I care about my kiddos, so so SO much, but I cannot turn that off when I go home and it just…. it takes over my life and I can’t let it do that anymore.

2) I am FED UP with society’s view and admin’s view of teachers. The lack of respect that teachers have to put up with from students, their bosses, and society at large is just !!! it drains you of your good will towards most things, tbh. I have been talked down to multiple times by my principal and assistant principals; I have witnessed multiple events of bullying from admin to teachers, and from parents to teachers, which the admin back up the parents. I have literally given up days of my vacation to appease parents in order for their students who did the bare minimum work in my class raise their grades by a letter grade because of pressure from parents and admin. Our pay is shit and our time is taken for granted. It’s more work for us to call in for a sub and put together sub plans than it is to just try and make it through the teaching day sick. Politicians make decisions every few years because they believe they know best educational practices, but that in the end harm students because teachers have to teach to the test and to the standards and it drains away all creative freedom from the ART of teaching. My final project for my calculus students is for them to find a CREATIVE way to represent some aspect of calculus and next year I would have to take that away because it wouldn’t align to ~standards~. Fuck that shit, tbh. We’re depriving children of the best things and making them feel like they’re in a prison, and admin are admonishing teachers because we don’t perform enough for students to be HAPPY in the classroom, like we’re supposed to be entertainers on top of being educators, and ignoring the fact that the requirements and lack of support given to us places us in a box that is unpleasant for EVERYONE.

3) I am a bisexual woman who is dating another woman and I cannot talk about that or be out to my students without some sort of fear that it will come back to bite me in the ass because of some sort of conservative part of the community or the board of education for our district finding that its too ~political~ to be out and living my life as a bisexual woman. I hide my identity in half-truths and the pronoun game with my students. I haven’t even been facebook official (not that that’s even a real THING but tbh I *want* it) with my girlfriend because I want to stay in touch with students who have graduated but I know that gossip spreads and those students still have ties to other current high school students and parents. I grapple with the fact that I cannot be a successful role model for other lgbtq+ students at school, and have to present myself as an ALLY, instead of part of the community. I censor my words and my thoughts and my political feelings, lest I be accused of leading my students astray and towards my own ideologies. I am tired of living like I’m not a full human being in all aspects of my life. And I’m tired of beating myself up for not being willing to take the chance to be out and proud in front of my students because I’m terrified of job security. 

4) At some point, working in a high school, you start to feel like you’ve never left. Yes I know that there will be gossip and drama every where I go in terms of professions. But I have it doubly, with both faculty acting like high schoolers, and my own students coming to me with heart breaking stories about love, and poverty, and being afraid that their loved ones will be deported. I am emotionally drained every single day that I go to work and it takes away from my own personal life because I am so worried about all these students that I have no ability to help. 

5) My girlfriend lives in Boston. As of June of this year, we’ll have been dating for a year. As of June of next year, I hope to be living with her in Boston. Teaching is a profession that rewards you for staying in one place and never leaving. I do not want to go through the process of being certified in Massachusetts and finding a new teaching position and trying to work towards tenure there. I cannot go through that again. And I cannot stay in the classroom for the rest of my life because:

6) I need better opportunities of growth. I’ve taught AP Calculus for two years now and I could already see myself getting bored with it by the fourth or fifth year. Administration does not appeal to me one bit. There is no place for me to go once I leave the classroom, besides possibly teaching at the college level and I don’t have the education or want for that. Academia is just as fucked up as the rest of the education industry in this country. I need to be challenged in a healthy and interesting manner and that means something that will be more math/coding focused for myself; solving analytical problems, not social/emotional ones.

Look, teaching is an extraordinary profession. It is so fucking hard and so so so important. I value every single person who not only survives this profession but does it with enthusiasm and style. It’s an art and an under appreciated part of our society. But for my own well-being and mental health, I have to be done. And all I’ve heard from other people since they found out has been, “but you’re such a great teacher! The kids love you!” And that may be the case. But you can love something, you can be great at something, and you can still say that that thing is just not for you anymore. So that is what I’m doing. I’m closing that chapter on my life, and starting something new. 

[celticrune]

all the even nrs for ur dnd chars!!

Under a cut because good lord

2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them?JayHe doesn’t have any official titles, but he probably ‘title’ likeSlayer of Bandits or Hammer of the Revolution or idk something cheesy like thatin his hometown. Nothing that serious, but he still fucking hates it

MoranaWell, her evil original self is called The Demon Queen, so that’s a thing.

SurinaHer surname, Korath, is a title of sorts. It’s a designation she earned for hercohort, meaning demon in Draconic (or something along thoselines, I don’t remember the exact translation). She got the name by massacringfive fellow recruits in a tournament battle royale (that technically wasn’tsupposed to be fought to the death)

Keijinope

Tanwenno

ValThey’re quite the scourge to the rebellion and the nobility alike, so thereare probably references to the Shadow or something along those lines. A figureof smoke and mirrors, a supernatural assassin who always gets their target. Butno one knows it’s them, so that doesn’t really count. Other than that there’ssmaller (but so much more important) titles like “beloveddaughter”, “precious bird”, and so on. 

TemperanceLady Temperance Abycan of Tergeste is her official title.

Whispernah

Rayanot yet

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’sa good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents? JayHe had a pretty normal, happy childhood. He loves his parents, even if they’resomewhat overbearing sometimes. His mother got him his apprenticeship at thelocal blacksmith, which he’s very grateful for, and his father introduced himto his faith even before he became a cleric.

A particularly good memory would be after the battle for hishometown, when he returned to find them both safe and (mostly) healthy.,knowing that he managed to protect them.

MoranaShe doesn’t remember much about her parents, seeing as they died when she wasyoung. She remembers warmth, and love. She remembers the smell of the stews herfather would make, napping close to the heat of the fire, leaned against herfather as he would occasionally tend to the food or the fire. She remembers hermother telling her stories, great tales of history, rich with adventures andtreasure and people at the core of it all.

These are good memories. The worst memory of her childhoodis one she only recently regained through some divine intervention: seeing herparents be forced to summon the devil Mephisto, seeing him kill them, and thenhaving him mark her.

SurinaDragonborn don’t ascribe to the traditional family structures of most other races.Similar to the qunari in Dragon Age, children are raised communally, away fromtheir birth parents. Surina was also raised in such a cohort with otheryounglings her age. She doesn’t remember the people who gave life to her, andshe really doesn’t care.KeijiKeiji was also raised somewhat communally, but that’s because his parentsdied on a mission not too long after he was born. They were part of a monasticorder dedicated to Pelor, and he was raised by them. He wanted to fit in, hereally did, but he was always something of a troublemaker with a casualdisregard for rules, so he didn’t really get along with the headmaster.

Most of his good memories revolve around Rin, anotherapprentice. She was a few years older than him and he saw her as an oldersister (but then the cool kind of older sister, who teaches you how to picklocks and parkour around guard patrols so you can steal the good liquor fromthe head monk’s desk).

TanwenShe loves her parents, even if the relationship got somewhat strained afterher sister died and she had to leave on a vision quest. She always wanted tostay close to home, to take over her family’s farm and find a family, but well.

She spent a lot of time exploring the woods with her youngersister and their dog when she was younger, which were great times. She was bestat treeclimbing, but her sister was faster, and they could sit and talk forhours.

Her worst memory, well. The fights she wasn’t supposed tohear but heard anyway as her parents argued over her path in life (follow theuncertain path of a god’s chosen, or ignore her calling and stay close to home)are pretty high up there.

ValThey don’t remember much of their birth parents, and what they do remember theydo their best to ignore. They still sometimes get nightmares, dreams where theyfeel warm and loved and safe, they’re held close, surrounded by a familiarscent that they can never remember upon waking, but when they do open theireyes they can’t stop crying. It’s an unforgivable sign of weakness, but the feelingof loss and the sense that they’re missing something is toobig to push down.

TemperanceShe’s an orphan, left on the doorstep of a church-run orphanage by a mother whodidn’t want to deal with a demon-touched child, so she doesn’t really havememories of her birth parents. She had a pretty bad relationship with the nunsat the orphanage, until she realised how easy it is to lie and manipulatepeople into doing what you want them to. After that, the nuns’ attitude towardsher improved tremendously.

WhisperWhisper didn’t really get along with her parents, mostly because they wantedher to be someone she’s not. They could be warm and close when they carefullysteered clear of subjects like religion and her plans for the future, but therewere a lot of screaming fights. 

A good memory were the times Whisper and her mother would behome alone and they’d improvise music together. Whisper has a beautiful singingvoice (something the church choir was grateful for) and her mother plays thepiano, so they’d while away long afternoons improvising music together. Hermother tried to teach her how to play the piano, but that… did not go well.

RayaRaya has a pretty goodrelationship with her mothers still, when she’s in the area she’ll always comeby to visit. They were a happy family when she was younger, even if one of hermothers never got over being startled when she accidentally shifted into yetanother dangerous predator.

She bonded a lotwith her other mother over being a druid, and the time they spent together asshe learned how to control her magic is very precious to her still.

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Didthey finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects didthey enjoy? Which did they hate?JayJay never got a formal education cause, well, peasant in a DnD setting. He wasapprenticed to a blacksmith and he liked that a lot, he loves working with hishands and making something tangible, and he seemed to have a gift for workingwith metal. When he turned out to have cleric powers he maybe should’ve,y’know, studied religion and religious history and all that, but also fuckthat. He was never a fan of book learning, and suddenly being able to healpeople with a touch and a few words doesn’t change that.

MoranaShe a nerd. Even as a kid she’d read anything she could get her hands on,though she was especially interested in ancient history. When she was oldenough she went to Wizard College™, where there’d hopefully be more to readthan the rather meagre library of her mountainous clan. There was, and she wasa good student even if she was often more invested in her own research, ratherthan whatever was on the curriculum. She didn’t manage to finish her studies,given how the whole “summon a devil so you can get a first-hand source on theirculture rather than only legends and myths” plan didn’t really go so well.

SurinaShe excelled at military strategy,though she preferred practical combat lessons over most other subjects. In linewith that, she was trained to and became an officer, leading her own squad andon her way to greater things when that plan was sadly derailed.

KeijiHe’s the annoying kid that neverstudies yet still gets decent grades. How?? Not even he knows. He wasn’t reallya fan of most theoretical classes, considering he didn’t care about most ofthem, vastly preferring the practical lessons. One thing he was interested inwas languages, though he kept that fairly quiet (cause showing genuine interestin things is for losers). He studied them on his own time, and he’s fluent inquite a few languages.

TanwenShe tried, she really did, but no one told her that being a cleric wouldinvolve this much sitting down and reading.She hated it from the bottom of her heart, and though that hate has tempered somewhat,being told she has to read something still incites a knee-jerk irritation.

ValThey’re a quiet and conscientious student, a quick learner (it’s one of thefirst things they learned after all, how to not disappoint). They don’t have apreference for subjects, as all knowledge is similarly useful. Quietly though,they are more drawn towards theoretical lessons, where there is no chance oftraining accidents.

Their one weak point is magic lessons, given their wildmagic. Temperance has tried her level best to train it out of them, but she’scome to accept them for who they are, magic misfires and all.

TemperanceShe didn’t go to school, but the nuns taught her and the other girls how tobalance a checkbook, how to sow, how to smile and be polite and pleasant, allskills necessary for securing a husband and running a household. She taughtherself magic from a wizard’s spellbook she found, and she found she excelledat charms and other mental manipulation.

Whisperooooh boy. Her parents wanted her to join the clergy like them, so theygave her a v religion focused education as she grew up. She hated it. She’dsneak out of lessons and assigned study time as often as she could, parkouringaround the city instead. She much preferred studying under Asp to be a ranger.

RayaShe wasn’t really focused on a formal education either. She inherited herdruidic powers from one of her mothers, so she was pretty home-schooled in thatregard. There weren’t many books involved, it was very much a gut-feeling kindathing, which she was grateful for.

8. Did they have pets as a child? Do they have pets as anadult? Do they like animals? JayHe likes big dogs, though hedidn’t have a pet as a child. He’d like to get a dog, but adventuring is adangerous hobby, so he wants to wait until he has settled down.

MoranaShe was never really a big fan of animals, though she liked birds. She’s gaineda newfound appreciation for wolves though.

SurinaShe’s not a fan of pets, thoughshe likes useful animals, like whatever her country uses as wardogs (probablysome form of insects, knowing Athas).

KeijiThere were no pets at themonastery, and even after he’s never really considered the idea of owning one.His opinion on animals is mostly just ???

Tanwendisney princess. She gets along with any and all animals. Even the onesthat could kill her. Especially the ones that are trying to kill her. She had adog as a kid, and she’d like to have pets again someday when her life is not sodangerous.

ValThey sometimes pet street cats when they’re out on a mission and have somespare time, but that’s the extent of their interactions with animals.

TemperanceShe used to want a cat. She still wants a cat, if only for the aesthetic,but all cats hate her guts. They have good instincts.

WhisperShe loves birds, especially birds of prey. She didn’t have a pet as achild, though she always begged her parents for a bird. She still one day wantsto tame an owl and keep it.

RayaShe sees animals as friends, notpets. She spends a lot of time hanging out in animal form with variouspopulations, but she’d never want to own them.

10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do theyhave or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as agodparent/babysitter/ect?JayHe’s pretty good with children. Hewants to make a family eventually, but it’s a far off in the future kinda plan.

MoranaShe’s pretty neutral on children.If she were to ever have children she wants to adopt, especially with what shenow knows about Mephisto. Whatever mark he’s left on her, she doesn’t want torisk passing it on.

SurinaShe says she’s alright withchildren. Do not believe her. Her views on child safety are not to be trusted.

Keiji?? why. Get these things away fromhim.

nah he’s not thatoutspoken. He mostly just doesn’t know what to do with children.

TanwenShe loves kids. She fusses a lotover them, but she’s a great older sister, and she’d make a good mom someday.

ValNo opinion. They like taking careof the younger kids at the school, though it’s sometimes hard to see them beingreplaced so often.

TemperanceShe has a place to play-act atbeing a mother, aka the school. That’s really all she needs. She doesn’t want achild for sentimental reasons, and she really only cares about personal power(not setting up a dynasty), so she doesn’t need an heir for that either.

WhisperLargely neutral. She’s Too Cool™for caring anyway so y’know

RayaCubs are cute.

12. What is their favourite food? Jay?? I have no idea I’m sorry

MoranaShe loves stews, mostly becausethey remind her of home.

SurinaSweet baked goods (not that she’dadmit that to anyone)

Keijithe dnd equivalent of junkfood

TanwenFruits, berries, that kinda deal.

ValCookies. They don’t get the chanceto make them very often, but every so often they’ll bake cookies with theyounger children.

TemperanceShe enjoys fancy cuisine just forthe fact that’s it’s expensive and fancy. She likes getting to revel in herstatus.

WhisperHot chocolate. It was a bit morecommon when she still lived with her parents, but after she left with Asp itbecame a very rare treat, which made her enjoy it even more.

Raya?? no idea

14. Do they have any specific memories of food/arestaurant/meal?Jayno??

MoranaI’ve pretty much covered thisalready, but yea. Spending time with her dad as he made stew.

SurinaHer best (and only) friend fromchildhood, Jarrash, became a baker in the city while she joined the military.They couldn’t see each other often anymore as adults, but she treasures thetimes spent together when she did happen to be in the city and she’d go visithis bakery.

Keijinot really

TanwenShe found a little grove with somefruit trees in her time spent in the forest. That was a spot she visited oftenover the years.

ValAlready covered that.

Temperancenothing specific

WhisperToo many to count, most related toAsp and their life together after she became his apprentice.

Rayanot really

16. Do they collect anything? What do they do with it?Where do they keep it? JayRare metals, crystals/gems, any materials he can find that catch his eye.There’s a reason he’s so fucking buff and it’s because of all the shit he keepsferreting away into his backpack which he then has to carry.

MoranaBooks, mostly for research. She currently keeps them on their sanddasher.

SurinaKills. But no nothing physical,she doesn’t take trophies or anything like that.

KeijiIn the college au, pillows. Hisbed is like 90% pillow it’s a wonder how he even sleeps in it. He doesn’treally collect things in his canon tho. Maybe cities he can’t go back to causewhoops he sure done fucked up there and now he may be kinda wanted

Tanwenthe way it’s going, traumas. Butthat’s not really a voluntary collection on her part.

Valnope

Temperance…do her birds count ascollectibles. I mean in her mind they do so that’s what I’m going with. They’rea treasured collection she’s quite proud of them

WhisperShe sometimes takes trophies from successful hunts. She has a harpy featherfrom the first time she led a hunt, and she’ll probably accumulate a few more duringher adventures. She’d wear them as accessories, or put them on her bow or herarmour maybe.

RayaSeeds from plants she encounters.

18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tvshows, films, video games and anything elseJayin a modern au, probably terriblereality tv. In his canon, I’m not really sure.

MoranaHistorical epics. Myths, legends,tales of wars won and lost.

SurinaShe doesn’t really do non-fiction,but she does like swapping stories about old battles around a campfire.

KeijiHe’d deny it, but he has a softspot for cheesy romance. Mostly he’ll read truly terrible romance novels justto make fun of them (and so he can quote them at people and make them cringe),but sometimes he finds a gem he truly enjoys.

TanwenUnironically reads the cheesiestof romances. She’s a romantic at heart, even if her taste in literature israther terrible

ValThey don’t have a lot of leisuretime for reading and the like (other than some required popular works so theywon’t miss any references and stand out), but they like aesthetic performanceart (if that makes sense). There was a ribbon dancing performance in Tergesteat one point and they were entranced. Anything that manages to convey emotionand intent purely through physicality and aesthetics.

Temperancemanuals on how to emotionallyabuse and brainwash young children. she keeps them under her pillow. (nah sheprobably mostly just reads to keep up with popular trends so she knows whateveryone’s talking about) She likes theatre though, she likes peoplewatchingand talking shit about the actors (depending on who she’s with)

WhisperStories about heroes, folk heroeswho make their way from humble beginnings to saving the world, legendaryheroes, anything she can get her hands on.

Rayastories about animals, cause she’sa fucking furry

20. Do they like musicals? Music in general? What do theydo when they’re favourite song comes?(this kinda turned into fave musicgenre whoops sorry. also modern au cause more choice in music)JayHis singing voice is pretty rough,but he’s fond of music, and he’ll always quietly sing along. He’s really goodat lullabies for some reason??

MoranaMusicals are not really her thing,pretty neutral about music as well.

SurinaShe’d work out to like really zenand calming music. No one understands how, but she makes it work.

KeijiHis taste in music is all over theplace man, including things that he’d keep on his phone just for Irony™. It’s aminefield don’t ever give him control over music at a party. Actually somewhatdecent at singing, though he rarely uses it.

TanwenAcoustic piano music, femalevocals, some pop music. She’s not that good at keeping a tune but she has areally sweet and gentle singing voice it’s nice.

ValSymphonic metal and more in thatcorner of genres, the classic emo bands.

TemperanceClassical music, Nicki Minaj,country songs about women killing their husbands. It’s kinda all over theplace. To her eternal shame she can’t sing for shit her voice is absolutelyterrible

WhisperOnly listens to Cool Kid Musiclike punk rock. Has a very hidden secret folder of Taylor Swift songs and thelike that she only listens to on special occasions. She has the voice of anangel, and she used to be in a choir when she was younger, but she doesn’t singoften and really only in private. It’s too much of a reminder.

RayaForest ambientmood always. Alsosome slow music, things that just generally set a peaceful mood. Has an alrightsinging voice, nothing particularly special. She’ll sometimes sing to theplants on her rooftop garden cause she wants them to be happy.

22. What are their favourite insults to use? What do theyinsult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back?JayHe will bitch endlessly aboutthose prissy nobles in their fancy goddamn castles, haven’t done a hard day’swork in their lives, but he usually keeps that to an inner monologue. He won’tinsult people often, though he has little patience for incompetence in peoplein leadership positions.

MoranaIf she doesn’t like you, you willknow. She doesn’t really have a go to insult, she improvises.  Generally though, if someone’s pissing heroff in conversation she’ll draw back into a very sharp sort of arrogance.

SurinaShe doesn’t lie, but she alsodoesn’t air her opinions, though Sylta has managed to push her buttons morethan a few times. Clanless is something she calls those lawless people outsidedragonborn society, though she usually saves it for when people are beingparticularly dishonourable.

KeijiHe’s very creative. He’ll snark tono end even in casual conversation, but if he really wants to annoy someone hisbarbs get a lot sharper and more pointed.

TanwenShe rarely ever actually insultspeople, mostly cause she’s tried very hard to train herself into not thinkingbadly about people. She’s a bit too honest and blunt sometimes, but that’s notout of malice.

ValThey’ve mastered the backhandedcompliment for when it is appropriate. They almost always keep their opinionsto themself though, and they’ll use whatever insults are appropriate for theircurrent disguise if the situation calls for it.

TemperanceShe mostly bitches about peoplebehind their backs (often to Chal), but she’s also a master of the backhandedcompliment.

WhisperShe tries, she really does,  but her insults are hilariously pathetic. Shedoesn’t do words well under pressure, so she’ll often flap out some reallyunimpressive insult. “Cracked walnut!” is a classic.

RayaShe believes in actions more so than words, but she’s rather blunt with herwords still when she chooses to use them. If she doesn’t just leave thesituation entirely, she’ll just straight up tell the person why she thinksthey’re unpleasant, rather than coming up with some creative insult.

24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore?What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress?JayHe’s actually a fairly heavysleeper, which is not a good habit for an adventurer. Doesn’t snore, and thoughhe prefers soft mattresses he’s pretty used to bedrolls and terrible inns bynow.

MoranaAnswered here

SurinaAnswered here

KeijiAnswered here

TanwenAnswered here

ValAnswered here

TemperanceA light sleeper, with theoccasional nightmare. Her bed is quite comfortable though, a large four-posterwith plenty of pillows on them. Most of them she had Val steal from variousassassination targets. It makes them even more comfortable.

WhisperAnswered here

RayaAnswered here

26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing?Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions? JayHe doesn’t usually bother with hiding his emotions and he also doesn’t hidehis happiness. He’s still somewhat contained about it, the most you’ll get is asmile and laughter.

MoranaShe doesn’t show a lot of outward signs of happiness but she’ll be morerelaxed, more prone to smiling, more affectionate. Just a bit looser ingeneral.

SurinaShe rarely lets her guard downaround people she doesn’t completely trust, but when she feels safe and happyshe’ll actually smile, she’ll talk more, be more prone to affectionate words.

KeijiHe has no problems broadcastinghis amusement, his exhilarated joy during battle, his glee at managing to fuckover some pompous asshole, but he’ll almost always hide genuine happinessunless he’s around close friends or a significant other. When he’s really happyhe just softens. He’ll get more touchy, drop the snark (mostly), and just bemore honest in general.

TanwenShe’s all smiles, even more so than usual. All The Hugs. Prone to randomdeclarations of affection and just getting really bubbly and excited abouteverything.

Valwhat is happiness. even in aus where they get out they’re still fairlycontained in their happiness, though they’ll actually smile and emote and showthat they’re happy without worrying about how it’ll be perceived.

TemperanceHer being happy is rarely a good thing for anyone. Her happiness most oftencomes when she fucks over someone else, so there’s always a touch of arroganceand smug satisfaction to it. She’ll treat herself by doing some luxuriousself-care routine or the like, or treat herself to a particularly nice bottleof liquor (and drink immediately cause like hell will she let the conman stealthis one) (chal can have it he’s allowed) (not that she’d tell him that)

WhisperShe tries to hide it cause happiness isn’t Cool™ but she’s really easy toread. She’ll light up, she’s all smiles and she can’t stop talking aboutwhatever it is she’s so happy about. Or really, whatever’s caught her interestin that particular moment. It’s adorable.

RayaShe’s a very tactile person ingeneral, but even more so when she’s happy. She’ll sometimes go panther andjust curl up around people and purr. She has something of a rusty purr whenshe’s in her elven form as well, but sometimes she prefers cuddling in animalform.

28. What is their biggest fear? What in general scaresthem? How do they act when they’re scared?JayOne of his fears is that somethingwill happen to his family in his absence, that they’ll be hurt (or worse,killed) while he’s off on an adventure that he doesn’t really want to be on inthe first place. He goes very quiet when scared, and he tends to distracthimself by getting protective and defensive.

MoranaAnswered here. When scared, she either goes quiet (whenshe’s faced with something so far beyond her she can’t do anything, or anythingshe can’t fight), or she lashes out, albeit physically or with words.

SurinaAnswered here. She isn’t scared often, and even when sheis she’ll often push it down in favour of taking action. She’ll do what needsto be done first, there’s time for fear later, when everyone’s safe.

KeijiAnswered here. He goes pale, his hands start trembling,and he’ll get a little frantic (or very frantic, depending on how scared he is)about trying to get away from the situation. If it’s a situation he can’timmediately get out of he either stops talking or doesn’t stop talking in anattempt to distract himself (and convince everyone he’s totally fine)

TanwenAnswered here. She cries when she’s scared. She’ll havetrouble regulating her breathing as well. She tends to try and surround herselfwith people, or find reassurance in physical touch.

ValAnswered here. As with most emotions, they don’t reallyshow any outward sign of fear.

TemperanceLosing control, feeling powerless.She’s used to being the manipulator, controlling events from the shadows. Shehad plenty of time to feel powerless during her childhood,  and she never wants to return to that. She’dinitially flip towards anger if she gets scared, getting defensive and tryingto get out of the situation. If that doesn’t work, she’d pull out any weapon inher arsenal to get out.

WhisperAnswered here. She gets loud when she’s scared, turningup the rambling and the bluster in an attempt to cover up her fear. In asituation where that isn’t an option she’ll start fidgeting with anything andeverything.

RayaAnswered here. She’ll often revert to animal forms whenscared, prowling around people close to her and rubbing against their legs.Intense emotions like that are easier to deal with when she’s like that, soit’s a common coping tactic for her.

30. Do they exercise? Regularly? Or only when forced?What do they act like pre-work out and post-work out?JayHe doesn’t exercise just for thesake of exercising,  but working at theforge is pretty hard work so it has the same effect.

MoranaHer idea of a work-out is holdinga book up over her head when she’s reading in bed.

SurinaShe has a morning work-out routinethat she keeps up. She likes the routine of it, and it’s a reminder of home.

KeijiHe meditates every morning, and Iimagine he also does some pretty regular training. Gotta keep those skillssharp.

TanwenNot really. There are the trainingsessions given to her by Rhogash both when they were still in the Underdark andjust before he left, but that wasn’t a regular thing.

ValThey keep their skills sharp bygoing on missions often, they don’t have a regular exercise routine.

Temperancehell no

WhisperNo exercise routine, but she leadsa pretty active lifestyle in general.

Rayanope

32. What do they dress like? What sorta shops do they buyclothes from? Do they wear the fashion that they like? What do they wear tosleep? Do they wear makeup? What’s their hair like?JayPractical. Lots of pockets andpouches to ferret away things he finds. In his canon you’ll most often find himin heavy armour, his glaive close at hand, or in simply but sturdy clothes andlike a heavy apron for when he’s working at the forge. He wears a simple ironcog on a leather band around his neck he made himself, his holy symbol. Hisears are also pierced, with two studs each. He’ll sometimes wear prettierearrings, but given how it’s not very practical he usually saves that for whenhe’s in a situation where he’s sure he’s safe.

MoranaIn modern AUs, she tends to coverup a lot. Long sleeves, turtlenecks, that kinda thing, cause she has prettyintense burns covering most of her body in those. A constant though is thatshe’s fairly simplistic when it comes to fashion, she’s not really a fan ofjewellery and such adornments.

SurinaAlso quite practical. In modern AUsshe’d have that military aesthetic going on (also cause y’know she’d actuallybe in the army). In her canon she sticks mainly to simple but functionalarmour.

KeijiIn canon, something quite similarto Kaecilius from the Doctor Strange movie. Simple black underclothes, with agolden sash/overshirt type thing with Pelor’s symbol embroidered onto it. In amodern au, it could vary wildly. He can pull off a suit no problem (he’s hadplenty of practice), but especially because of that he tends to prefer casuallooks during his day to day. Also never lend him a sweater you won’t get itback. He totally went through a punk phase.

TanwenIn canon, mostly armour. She’dlike to wear pretty dresses sometimes, but she never really has the chance. Heronly jewellery is an amulet with a spider engraved on it, a reminder of when agroup of prisoners got caught in one of her spells and she accidentally killedthem. In a modern au, it’d be skirts and dresses whenever she can get away withit. Light colours, light fabrics, lots of swish. She has more practical outfitsas well for her labs and for when she volunteers at the local hospital, butyea.

ValWhatever is most practical. Theyhave a plethora of disguises at their disposal and outfits for any layer ofsociety. Around the house they default to simple pants and a shirt. They likegoing around barefoot at home, because it’s something they can really only dowhen they’re in a safe space. In a modern au, they have a more punk aesthetic.They don’t leave the house without their leather jacket which is covered inpins (unless Lytte is wearing, in which case they also don’t leave the housebecause they’re Compromised), heavy boots, dramatic make up, chokers.

TemperanceFancy as fuck. Tergeste is aVictorian-styled city, so those kinds of fashions. She tends to wear mostlydark colours, to offset how white everything else about her is. Tasteful makeup, expensive but not garish jewellery, her hair pinned up in the latestfashions. She’ll be somewhat less done up when she’s just around her birds, butthere’s always a level of polish to her appearance. In modern aus she stilloften has her hair in some braided updo, but her clothes are less fancy. Stillhigh-quality and stylish, but y’know more like normal people. She still tends towardsformal clothing more often than not, but it’s more business casual. (is that aterm? I feel like that’s a term)

WhisperWorn and dirty leather armour, adappled grey cloak that’s useful for mountain camo but stands out like a damnbeacon anywhere else. She wears a necklace with an iridescent blue feather anda simple, but lovingly carved wooden symbol of Bahamut over her armour. Noearrings, cause while she wanted to get them she wimped out just before. In amodern au she flips between Edgy™ looks, shirts from metal bands she’s neverbeen to, that kinda thing, and very practical boots, cargo pants, long-sleevedshirt looks for when she’s on trips or out survivaling or whatever she gets upto. She always wears a simple cross necklace, but she keeps it hidden andtucked away under her clothing.

Rayalike, leaves? She doesn’t go intocivilisation often, so really the only reason she remembers to wear anything atall is because armour is practical for when you get into fights with uppitybandits. She likes making flower crowns though, and she’ll often druidcraftflower for whoever she’s traveling with and stick them in their hair or ontheir clothing. She favours feline forms for when she shifts, but idk if thatcounts as a fashion choice. For a modern au, she dresses like a damn hippie.She has very little concern for fashion and other people’s opinions, so any ofher outfits are a damn fashion nightmare. She looks like she got eaten by athrift shop, thrown up, and now she’s wearing whatever clothes happened tostick to her.

34. What is their body type? How tall are they? Do theylike their body?JayAt like 1,95m he’s pretty tall,and Strong™. Not like built like a bodybuilder cause that isn’t practicalmuscle at all, but yea he has some definition. He’s pretty okay with his body,no particularly positive or negative feelings.

MoranaShe’s also tall, average but solidbuild. She used to be pretty happy with her body, until she first got brandedby Treznor (a mark which she didn’t want the rest to know about, so she had tokeep her upper arm covered up), and then found out that her black skin isbecause she was marked by Mephisto as a child, not a natural thing. She’spretty fucked up about that realisation, and it’s really put her off thecolour.

SurinaTall and broad. She’s p much abrick wall of scales and teeth and scars it’s great fun. Though she canappreciate beauty she’s never seen the point of it for herself. Her body servesher well, and that’s all it needs to do.

Keijipretty and he knows it. He’s shortand slight, about 1,60. He doesn’t seem like much, but he moves with a sort ofpredatory grace, and that’s really not about body type at all well done me. Helikes his body.

TanwenShe could be called willowy if itweren’t for the surprising amount of muscle she’s built up. Adventuring’s hardwork yo. Still, about 1,70 and relatively slim, most of her bulk comes from herarmour. She likes her body, though she doesn’t like how dangerous she looksnowadays, with the muscle and the scars she’s gained. It’s an unpleasantreminder of just how much danger everyone’s in on a daily basis.

ValAverage height, average build,unremarkable facial features. The kind of face you could see in a crowd andthen immediately forget. The one thing that stands out is a scar bisectingtheir left eye, and that eye is a prosthetic of a slightly mismatched colour.Scars on their ankles and wrists from restraints. They don’t have an opinion ontheir body.

TemperanceTall (about 180), and on the curvyside. A damn ghost, with white skin, white hair, and pupil-less white eyes.Pale curling ram’s horns frame her face, and she has a thick, prehensile tailas well as hooves. She’s somewhat regal in the way she carries herself, alwayspoised, always composed. She likes her body, she’s proud of her tieflingfeatures.

WhisperShe’s on the short side, at about155. Surprisingly muscled arms and back, mostly from archery. Despite nothaving a recent growth spurt or being all that tall, she moves like a ganglypuppy. It’s adorable. She’d like to be taller so she could tower over peopleand be intimidating, but that’s the only real gripe she has with her body.

RayaAverage height, lean build. She’s unhappy with her body sometimes, butthat’s mainly because it’s merely elven. She’s so used to her multitude ofshapes and forms that her own body feels rather limited sometimes.

36. What are they good at? What hobbies do they like? Canthey sing?JayAnything practical, though weaponand armour smithing is his specialty. It’s his main hobby as well, it’ssomething he spends a lot of time on.

MoranaShe’s pretty good at burningenemies with hellfire? But nah she’s a Nerd™. She likes researching anythingshe can get her hands on in her spare time, or just reading for fun.

Surina what is fun

Keijibeing a sneaky little shit andkicking ass. He’s also pretty good at woodcarving. Nothing large or dramatic,just simple things. He likes carving little birds to keep his hands busy duringlong watches.

Tanwenshe’s got those healing handsbaby. I have no idea what that was and I am so sorry. But yea, her main talentis her gift for healing. She likes reading cheesy romance novels in her sparetime, and she loves hearing people talk about love or romance.

ValThey’re very good at what they do(as they should be, given the amount of time Temperance has invested in them).They don’t really have a lot of spare time for hobbies, though. One thing theyenjoy is watching the stars, and spending time with the younger children in theschool.

TemperanceShe excels at manipulating thosearound her. Her ambitions and her birds are quite a timesink though, so shedoesn’t have a lot of time for hobbies. She does regularly spend time with Chaland The Conman, which usually ends up with her and The Conman sassing eachother while Chal rolls his eyes a lot.

WhisperShe’s a great hunter, she lovesthe process of tracking a beast, sneaking up on it, etc. It’s a fun challenge.It’s pretty much the one situation where she’s actually in her element and notputting up a front.

RayaShe’s quite good at gardening,what with being a druid and all. She doesn’t often settle down for long enoughto make her own garden, but she’d like to. Her main hobby is frolicking inmeadows it’s great fun.

38. What do they admire in others? What talents do theywish they had?JayDetermination, if that makessense? People who have a clear goal for their life and who are working towardsthat. He’s just kinda floating along, taking things as they happen, and thatattitude is something he admires.

MoranaShe admires people who can stillbe soft in this world.  Who can opentheir hearts and be kind regardless of the harshness and danger that’s soprevalent everywhere around them.

SurinaExpertise, no matter the field.

KeijiNormally I’d say honesty, peoplewho can just say what they’re feeling, cause that plays into the whole “peopleadmires things they’re not”. But honestly (heh) those people baffle him morethan he admires them. He just. Doesn’t understand why you’d do that. There’snot really one singular trait he admires in people, though he’s drawn to asharp wit.

TanwenConfidence.  Even if she doesn’t show it, she doubtsherself and her choices a lot. She admires people who can stand behind theirchoices with zero doubt.

ValNothing really? They practicallyworship Temperance, but that’s not really admiration. Yea I don’t think theyreally have any traits they admire, cause that’s a thing people do and they’renot a person.

TemperanceAnother difficult one. I’m gonnahave to go with nothing again, because admiration requires seeing someone as atleast an equal, if not above you. She just doesn’t see people as people.They’re game pieces, pawns to be directed and used. Chal’s the only one exemptfrom that, and though she loves him she doesn’t admire him either. She respectsthe Conman, but again, no admiration.

WhisperShe admires, more as an abstractconcept than anything concrete. She admires people who stand up for the weak,no matter what. People who’re respectful and kind and who’ll keep fighting nomatter what’s standing in their way.

RayaShe doesn’t really interact with other people a whole lot, but when shedoes she’s drawn to those close to nature, those with a love for animals. Thosesimilar to herself really. She’s confused but impressed by people with actualsocial skills. the real cryptids

40. Do they like energy drinks? Coffee? Sugary food? Orcan they naturally stay awake and alert?(assuming the college au wherecoffee is actually available)JayNot really, mostly cause they makehis hands v jittery.

MoranaNot a lot usually, but during examweek? Coffee all day every day. How else is she gonna pull those allnighters.Rorik has had to shepherd her to bed on more than one occasion.

SurinaShe doesn’t like having to rely onexternal stimulants to stay awake, so only in extremely rare cases. And thenit’s usually black coffee, nothing too sugary.

KeijiBlack coffee is his mortal enemy,though he has learned how to drink it. Doesn’t mean he likes it though, andwhen he has to stay awake he usually defaults to energy drinks. Consideringthat he’s doing like another half major on the side, this is often.

TanwenShe likes Starbucks, but shedoesn’t drink coffee purely to stay awake. She doesn’t like the taste of coffeeanyway so her Starbucks drinks are sugary monstrosities.

ValThey usually manage to stay alertpretty well on their own, but sometimes you just gotta chug 4 straightespressos.

TemperanceShe prefers tea over coffee, blacktea when she needs a boost.

WhisperShe doesn’t really like the tasteof either, so she makes do without.

RayaShe prefers making her own herbalteas.

42. What are their goals? What would they sacrificeanything for? What is their secret ambition?JayHe doesn’t really have any. Whathe really wants is to just return home, inherit his master’s forge, and justwork on his projects in peace.

MoranaFreedom. She wants to be free fromTreznor’s brand, free from Mephisto’s deal constantly looming over her. Shedoesn’t want to be afraid anymore. She’d do quite a lot to get there, and thelines of just how far she’d go are getting increasingly blurry.

SurinaRevenge. She wants to killVethrel, and either clear her name or die during the battle. She’d go pretty damnfar for that, though she’ll avoid collateral damage if she can.

Keiji¯\_(ツ)_/¯ he just wants tohave a good time. Maybe lowkey die, just a little. For now, he just wants tolive the good life and get as far away from his old home as he can manage.

TanwenPeace. She just wants to be ableto stop fighting. To stop being in danger, to stop having to put her friends indanger. But she can’t do that as long as there are innocent civilians beingthreatened.

ValObedience. They want to serveTemperance best they can, to remain useful lest they be discarded. They’ll doanything to make sure that never happens.

TemperancePower. She wants to rule this cityfrom the shadow, to sink her claws into it until she can twist any events inher favour with a word. There are pretty much no limits as to how far she’llgo.

WhisperRecognition. She wants to be afamous hero, to have confirmation that she made the right choice by leaving.She thinks she might do some morally neutral things to get there, but when pushcomes to shove she would choose to protect people over hurting them any time.

RayaShe doesn’t really have any largegoals either. She’s content to live as a nomad, traveling where the wind takesher. She’ll occasionally chase down primal shrines if she catches wind of them,to make sure they are safe and to do what she can to honour and protect them,but it’s not a life goal for her.

44. What is their favourite season? Type of weather? Arethey good in the cold or the heat? What weather do they complain in themost? JayHe’s from a relatively northerntown, so he’s more used to the cold. Somehow, despite being used to working inthe heat, he still hates when the weather gets too hot.

MoranaShe’s actually quite glad theycame to Athas, as the hot desert weather is quite nice for her. She’ll startbundling up as soon as it gets somewhat cold, though she won’t complain aboutit (much).

SurinaSimilar to Morana, she’s quitefond of the dry desert heat. She’s far less fond of the cold of Cruinne-ce, butshe won’t complain about it. she just. steadily puts on more and more layers. Shelikes thunder storms though, as a lightning dragonborn it always makes her feelat ease.

KeijiHe’s impervious to temperature?? Noone understands. He can wear the same thing in basically any weathercircumstance. He’ll cover up more when the temperature nears zero, he’s notthat bad, but yea. it’s weird.

TanwenShe’s from a rather temperatearea, so any shift in temperature throws her off. She tries not to complainabout it (too much) but it does show.

ValIt depends on what they’re doing. Theylike clear skies when they return from missions, so they can see the stars. Anovercast sky and rain is often more useful though, as it limits visibility.

TemperanceShe likes some dramatic rain,especially since 95% of the time she can stay cozy inside while it happens.Temperature-wise, she’s better at dealing with hot weather than the cold, whichis something of a shame as Tergeste tends towards cold and wet.

WhisperShe does well in the cold, thoughif she knows someone well enough she also won’t hesitate to stick her ice coldhands under their shirt. She will complain about the heat, then remember heroesdon’t complain and shut up for a while, get fed up and complain, and repeatthat ad infinitum.

RayaShe loves thunderstorms. She loves feeling the energy crackle in the air, lovesthe displays of natural power. She gets cold easily, but when she does sheusually just shifts into something with a thick furcoat so she doesn’t have todeal.

46. Do they make a good first impression? Does theirfirst impression reflect them accurately? How do they introduce themselves?JayHe makes a pretty good firstimpression, unless you’re a noble. Then he comes off as far more suspiciousthan he usually is.

MoranaShe’s rather cold and distant whenshe first meets people, it takes her a while to warm up to them. Especiallyrecently, with everything that’s going on, she hasn’t really been welcoming tothe new party members.

SurinaHer introductions aren’t usuallyfriendly, but neither is she. So while the first impression isn’t necessarilygood, it’s also not wrong.

KeijiPolite and charming, for mostpeople. A side of snark if he doesn’t immediately need something from you, orif you seem like someone who could give back as good as they get. So yea no reallynot accurate in most cases.

TanwenFriendly and eager, she’s alwaysexcited to meet new people. Her introductions can be a tad awkward at times, asshe tends to forget social protocol, but it’s a pretty accurate reflection ofher.

ValDepends entirely on the target andwho they are at that moment.

TemperanceDepends on who she’s talking toand what she wants from them. Can range from intimidating/scary but hot as hellto a poster girl of good manners and friendly charm.

WhisperAwkward as a rule. She tries to be cool and make a good  first impression, and almost always comes offas “trying too hard”. Which, to be honest, is a pretty good description of herso hey y’know

RayaWell first of all it depends onwhether you’re talking to her in her elven form or one of her animal forms.Uncomfortably long eye contact is a constant though, as is a pretty universallack of tact or manners. She doesn’t come off as unfriendly or hostile,necessarily, just really fuckin’ weird.

48. Do they enjoy any parties? If so what kind? Do theyorganise the party or just turn up? How do they act? What if they didn’t wantto go but were dragged along by a friend? (again for the college au)JayHe’s alright with parties. Hemostly goes when he knows at least some friends are going, but he’ll enjoyhimself even if it’s all strangers.

Moranano.

Rorik might be ableto drag her along to a party, but she’d be there purely for him.

SurinaNot a fan.

Keijiyes are you kidding me. He, Wyatt,Scytta and Sylta throw the best parties on campus. He’s made some of his bestbad decisions at parties, including the first time he hooked up with Wyatt.

Tanwenawkward bean. What’s she doinghere who invited her. She doesn’t really go to wild parties, but she’ll go withfriends or if Ghilli asks her to. She’ll have the most fun if she sticks withpeople she knows, though she can get by alright on her own for a while.

ValThey don’t really like partieswhere there’s a lot of alcohol present for personal reasons, so they tend toavoid those. They prefer just spending time with friends in a more calmenvironment.

TemperanceNot too big a fan, though she’llturn up occasionally depending on who’s there.

Whispershe tried a few times, when shejust started college. It didn’t go well for anyone involved.

RayaShe prefers more quietenvironments.

50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewherewith them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials? JaySome of his tools, general supplies, a weapon. Also more sentimental things,like mementos of his family and friends.

MoranaHer ritualbook, basic survival tools, that kinda thing. Mostly practicalthings. She doesn’t carry around anything of particular sentimental value.

SurinaHer journal, which she startedkeeping back home so it still has notes about her old unit and her time inAthas. Other than that, her general adventurer’s kit.

KeijiHe doesn’t really have anypersonal items he’s particularly attached to, so yea his adventuring kit.

TanwenHer shield and armour both have Eldath’s holy symbol on them and they weregiven to her by a couple who took her in when she was very lost, so she’d definitelywant to keep those close. Also one or two very worn books she carries around withher. Beyond that, her adventuring kit.

ValA basic disguise kit, various different disguises, a few hidden weapons,their lockpicking set, some funds to potentially get them out of a stickysituation. Just things that might come in useful.

TemperanceThat’s a hard one for her, considering she isn’t an adventurer like theothers, and how much she relies on others. Her spellbook is definitely vital. Withthat, she can rebuild basically wherever.

WhisperAsp’s bow, the symbol of Bahamut her parents gave her before she left, theharpy feather from her first hunt. She has an old and worn prayerbook at thebottom of her pack that she’ll take out and thumb through on special occasions.

RayaOther than some basic tools, she’s set as long as she’s in a natural area. She doesn’treally carry any mementos with her, and nature will provide whatever she couldneed to survive.

[sitstatic]

You Wanted 10 Pages on the Meaning of Life, So I Wrote the Narrative of How I Lost My Answer

I suppose I must have discovered the question “Why?” before any other. The moment I could question anything, it was motivation. It seems to be a commonality of the normative human experience, based on the shared grievance every parent faces having to bear their child’s repetitive uttering of the inquiry. It marks a point when a child learns the complexity of language and its relation to their condition.

I spent the subsequent formative years absorbing every answer to that question like a sponge. I was constantly prompted to ask, and some people took the time to answer, and I retained each response. Despite how thoughtful or thoughtless, gentle or crass, filtered or raw as the deliverer saw fit at that moment in time, that response contributed to my definition of the world.

Specific individuals certainly carried more weight in this process of definition I was partaking in, such as my parents and siblings. My mother was a devout Catholic, who raised me with 9 o’clock Sunday morning mass and Wednesday evening catechism. A lot of her answers to my questions of “why” revolved around this narrative that I heard before any other, and in looking back, it is not unreasonable to assume she held onto the faith for that purpose. Not just for her children who asked, but to fulfill the same questions she probably asked her mother some thirty-odd years prior.

There is a moment, though I cannot remember a marked point where it occurred, that I realized not every answer to my questions of why was necessarily true. Perhaps it was when it seemed my learned definitions could not reasonably all contain truth simultaneously. This brought about a deepening of my sense of self, as I realized I had a decision to make each time information was given to me - to keep it or to throw it away. However, this perception of free will appears a fallacy to me now - how could I have had the capacity to make that decision, without understanding? I could not, but I really believed I contained the understanding, which is a naive impression some people carry through their entire lives. Something I now understand as a hindrance was my misunderstanding that people who misinformed me were doing it intentionally. This vilified the people I found to be dishonest, but also left the information (God) from people I trusted (my mother) reserved as undeniably true.

I was probably around ten years old when I began to conceive the idea that I did not know everything, and as a matter of fact would never know. Perhaps it was the introduction of infinity in Math, or space in Science, but I know I became acutely aware there were things outside of my capacity for understanding. With this newfound realization, I began to grow suspicious of every person who told me definite information. My interest in the question of “why” resurfaced, but with a new level of desired understanding. It could be asked not just of actions, but of supposed information. If someone could not adhere to my prodding, their teaching was as good as lying to me. The budding adolescent began questioning everything everyone had ever told her. This was also when I first remember experiencing panicked episodes, involving disordered eating, self-harm, and manic anger.

I went through middle school rather confused, as most remember the experience, and each memory involves sullen or anxious feeling. I kept most of my feelings from my parents, because I thought they would overreact. I attended a charter school, and there were about a hundred kids in each grade. Children took a standardized test three times per year to track their learning progress, and place them in a classroom of students within a similar scoring range. There was a huge emphasis on academic merit and competition, with frequent award ceremonies for performance. I remember agonizing over those tests, each grade, award, and ranking, which contributed to my long-term academic success, but also my need for validation.

I was an altar server at my church, got good grades in school, played the trombone and volleyball. However, I had difficulty connecting with other kids my age. Most of my peers did not seem to feel the weight of the world, and the ones who did could not understand why I was so sad even though my parents weren’t divorced and I went to church every Sunday. It seemed as though some people were sad, and some were not, but most people who were sad had a good reason.

I found solace in obsession over boy bands and actors, and engaging with other fans online. I was one of the first generations to have social media before I could drive, or even cross the main road from my neighborhood to the playground. This was where the majority of my unhealthy coping mechanisms derived. I found a whole online community of other depressed young women, which felt like a relief at the time. However, while the community was meant to validate each other and our experiences, it also normalized and even romanticized unsound means of handling those experiences. It is an interesting problem that exists, because it is impressionable minds being influenced by equally impressionable minds. Coupling that with mental illness, it is no wonder why the youth is depressed. There are facets of this community for everyone, too, because they usually naturally stem from any fanbase. This is because people use artists and influencers and other idolized individuals as a source of motivation, and sometimes to an obsessive degree. The mentally ill find one another in each fanbase, and bond over their shared stories of salvation through whatever song or video, and eventually feel comfortable sharing more personal experiences. For me, my infatuation with characters in books and movies was merely a substitute for when I would finally be old enough for a real romance. Romance was the cure for all of my sadness.

I was raped the day after my 14th birthday by my first boyfriend. I don’t think I even understood what had happened to me. It was the summer before I began high school, and my first romance had really betrayed me. In the months that followed my trauma, I had to endure not only how it altered my definition of the world, but also of myself. The young man who violated me found it worth bragging about. I entered the hellscape of contained adolescents which was high school with a collection of choice words to my reputation. For a long time, it felt as though the definition of myself was primarily constructed by the people around me, even though theirs did not align with mine.  

At first, I felt shame. I was no longer a virgin - something I knew God was not going to be pleased with. I think about a month in, we had some sort of health lesson on sex and consent, and then I really fucking hated God.  I was struck by the same inconsistencies other scholars and common people alike have found with monotheism throughout history - if God is all-powerful, how could he  let this happen to me, if he is still all-good? The design surrounding my circumstances could not have come from anything with good intentions, certainly nothing worth worshipping.

I decided that God was going to hate me anyways, and so I was going to hate him, too. Instead, I focused on repairing my social status. I found that I tended to surround myself with other miserable people, and this gave me some dark, delicious satisfaction. I could find purpose in the degree of imperativeness possessed by my relationships to others. There are cultural phenomena which catered towards this sick perception, and I do view it as an illness in hindsight. I had an understanding of Adult Concepts like “right,” “love,” “just,” which was that they all called for sacrifice. This tendency led me to person after person as I prepared to use my desperation for validation through selflessness to their advantage.

I got into a relationship with a piece-of-shit-boy to prove to everyone that I was not a slut. After about a year of turmoil that continued to escalate, I enrolled in an early college program to be at a different school from him. I was taking a Global Ethics course my sophomore year of high school, and I was prepared to find a new set of rules to fasten to my existence. However, any ideology that attempted to justify the experiences I had faced, and was still facing, automatically became discredited to me. As I was in the midst of trying to flee an abusive relationships, I was learning about various divine forces that could be controlling me, such as karma, and ethical frameworks surrounding ideologies from family to greater good. The course was focused on the various definitions of morally right and wrong, and it seemed to me as though there was no set of ethics applicable to something like the human race. The more moral frameworks I read about, the less morals had any credence in my mind. My boyfriend was fucked up because of other circumstances; blame could be traced back indefinitely for why he was the way he was. Blaming myself felt more concrete, but there were other factors at play I could not recognize from my position. Who was going to tell me who to blame? Without morals, I thought I could at least cling to truth, but found doubt to be an unavoidable obstacle in searching for it.

One truth the world seemed to project back to me time and time again were states of subjectivity. I found myself becoming  increasingly upset, because despite their lack of rationality, they were widely accepted. Frequently, the facts of my being a woman, a person with mental illness, in a family dangling off the edge of “middle class”, and so on, were brought to my attention through how I was treated by others. These assigned facts put me at some disadvantage, but I was well aware that there were other oppressions I would never experience. It seemed privilege could be measured in how few labels one’s assigned - but as I aged through the Obama presidency and into the Trump conniption, in a world of instantaneous globalized media, I learned that there was much more vocabulary surrounding these feelings I had. They talked about misogyny and “red flags” - and I felt as though my suffering did not have to have a reason in order for it to end. It was no longer a unique thing, but a shared experience, one of which other people had escaped.

I have to say, it felt good to know other people were seeing the same shit I was seeing, outside of myself. That was the best part of growing up. At first, it was just seeing it, and I was looking around to only see mindless participants and evil perpetrators. When I found out there were other people not just defining these phenomenon, but also combating them, I was impatient to involve myself in the process. I was not convinced, however, of moral right or wrong on a global scale, but I understood tragedy to be something I did not want around. For someone who was not sure what to do with herself, looking around and worrying about the state of the whole seemed like a productive use of energy.

In my social justice phase, finally rid of horrible men, I poured myself into public outcry, as well as education. I read academic papers, watched and read the news, went to hear experts speak. I began deconstructing all of the opinions I’d been thoughtlessly carrying without realizing, and I attempted to participate in dialogue. I had to learn my place within that as well. As more people began trying to speak over one another, I understood the importance of boundaries within where I could speak - it was only valid to discuss things personally affecting me, and do what was in my capability to further project the voices behind other necessary discussions.

There was a lapse, though, when I was violated again by a third man in my junior year of high school. After going through a transformation, and feeling grounded and confident, I still fell victim to my subjectivity. I had been sneaking around my strict parents, and the kid who was meant to take me home refused to without sex first. The fact was, I was going to have sex I didn’t want or have to answer my parent’s questions of “why”. My parents subjected me to their expectations of a socially acceptable young lady, and that boy subjected me to his expectations of a car ride recipient, apparently. It did not matter that I had endured an abusive relationship for a year and a half; he still saw slut.

It was at this moment that I decided my existence was a fucking joke. I thought if someone was making this happen he probably really enjoyed himself. If God is real, he has to be a man. I began throwing myself into surrealism, and lost any motivation to learn or expand upon myself at all. I drove up to school each day, and sat in the parking lot for however long class was supposed to be, smoking bowl after bowl. My life became narrowed to finding ten more dollars, and then fifty cents or a dollar for a cigarette or two, finding a place to nap, a parking lot where no one would mind if I sat for a while.

The funny thing was, through all of this, no one was worried about me until an entire semester had gone by and the grades came in. That’s when my mom really thought she began connecting the dots, but blamed it all on my deviation from her expectations. My lack of pride in my appearance, disinterest in things like homecoming and school spirit, and especially my absence in church, disappointed my mom. It was difficult to see her come to conclusions about me from her narrowed perspective, but also could not bring myself to communicate my side to her. Even if I did, I knew our ideologies were too distant to discuss everything productively. This deepened the divide in our relationship.

I was just passing time until I could flee. I had this notion that becoming an adult would give me the freedom to rise above all of these definitions and find my own motivations, purely because I would be able to leave the place I had remained stagnant in for my entire life. Every negative association I had to my home overshadowed any good childhood memory. I found others who were dismantling their ties with hopes to leave soon.

This is where finding motivation became a precedent. I was going to have to start trying if I really wanted to leave. My sights set everywhere; I could see myself bustling in a city in New England, or meandering through a sunny West coast campus. I even entertained the thought of studying in France, going as far as to enroll in two French courses my senior year. However, I had no concept of how my established habits would inhibit these from being possible.

The work of actually reaching these destinations loomed over me, and I ignored it. It was easy to do when I was high all the time. I fantasized about eating brie in an authentic Parisian cafe while I sat in some parking lot when my French class was in session. I longed for rigorous discourse with people in wire-rimmed glasses while my Common Application sat blank. When the deadlines popped up in my planner, I smoked more.

I could not explain what possessed me to disassociate from my life so strongly. I guess this is my attempt to find out. Obviously, it worked out. I found a college nestled in some pretty mountains in Pennsylvania that wasn’t going to make me specialize in anything right away.

I am currently in the process of rebuilding my existence which I have been unsuccessful in annihilating. Part of that is finding the motivation. There are numerous things which I could list as being motivations, and the capacities which they fulfill are diverse but have an undeniable common factor, which is that they bring me some sort of contentment. I refrain from using the word happy, because anyone who solely pursues pleasure is met with immense disappointment in such an uncomfortable and unforgiving world.

From my observation of my peers, a common theme within their motivations is some goal for the future. However, I have found that my inability to invest in any “future” is rooted in how ineffective it is to conceive it. People create an ideal future, and spend the present moment working towards it, ignoring the fact that it only has as much substance as any idea. Setting any expectation, to me, only creates infinite possibilities of failure and a singular possibility of success. Perhaps the motivation is found in enjoying that process, but I do not see how it is possible to enjoy doing something when you do not know where it is going.

[roseycutie93-blog]

dear dad.. thanks for nothing.. & i hope you die in a most painful ways.. yours truly.. your lovely daughter who dissed the shit outta you

it’s been a while since i shared my personal life on tumblr.. but i’ll tell u mine that happened 2 weeks ago..

my relationship with my dad wasn’t as good as you can guys imagine.. he WAS nice to me & all.. but to my brother.. he wasn’t THAT nice to him at all even when he was an innocent child

my parents were divorced when i was only 3 & a half.. & i lived with grandma & uncle till we settled up in a place near to them before i started college 5 years ago

my dad is the type of a mad man.. he was raised terribly by grandpa until he became a copy of his own father.. same goes to his siblings, except one, his younger brother... my uncle, who was the nicest of them all.. unfortunately he died 7 months ago & i couldn’t get the chance to see him often.. 

as soon as dad got married.. he thought.. having a son should be treated in another way.. like yelling, beating him up, blaming him for any fights he gets or even raising him by showing off in front of people & making my dad look like the victim.. & finally forcing him to study something he doesn’t like such as changing from french to deutsch (& he fucking lied that he used to take french & deutsch in his days because fuck that didn’t happen) like he yelled at his son in public for the silliest thing & made strangers confronting my brother for that.. WTF?!!

thanks to him, my brother would start get into a fight with not just me, but mum, uncle & grandma even his classmate until he became the most hated student in his school, not to mention that he would be jealous because i have friends & people to like me even my dad himself.. i got hurt by his jealousy & cursed that father for turning my brother into a person full of hate, jealousy & despise!!

years afterwards before i graduated from high school, my brother went to a therapist & he takes medicines for the rest of his life.. what could be more worse than that??!

i’ve always hated my dad’s way of raising my brother ever since i was a child because all i know is parents should be equal to their kids no matter what.. but dad was the type of also NOT CHANGING HIS FUCKING PERSONALITY & that’s what he got..

2 weeks ago, we met dad in front of grandma’s house, at the street, like we used to every week, at first he was ok & started to fix himself, but eventually he got into a fight with brother for a fucking interface... imagine that

all my brother did (& he was half awake) that we shouldn’t talk about it because what happend happened (he was trying to NOT get into a fight)

but soon he started to yell in front of the gatekeeper & his son getting insulted by our lovely dad.. i tried my best to stop the fight like i used to & become a peace pigeon but his voice started to getting raised more & more people started to get attention towards us

i told him “dad, stop it, people are looking”

“& what’s the matter with people looking at us? why do you even care? i’m raising my son over there“

even when we head to the car to get things chill he didn’t stop

i couldn’t take it anymore & i had three choices

-either i should let him yell & do whatever the shit he wants to us

-leave the place quietly

-or just burst my feelings out because fuck i’ve had enough of my 24 years of my life & my brother’s getting insulted weekly for NOTHING!!

& this is what i did... i chose the third choice without even thinking

when i tried to protest & told him that we should not get yelled at no matter what.. he didn’t respect that..

so this is what he got.. an insult from his lovely daughter that held enough of her father’s shitty attitude for looooooooooooong that you can people imagine..

“I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU & YOUR DAMN ATTITUDE FOR YEARS THAT MY BROTHER & I HAVE & I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY LONGER.. IF YOU’RE GOING TO KEEP UP WITH THAT ATTITUDE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE & TREAT US LIKE KIDS.. THEN NEVER CONSIDER YOURSELF HAVING KIDS NOR HAVING A FATHER FROM THE FIRST PLACE.. I DON’T NEED YOUR DAMN MONEY.. I’M THROUGH!!“

my dad’s face was speechless.. he never expected his cute lil princess to burst out on her father like that.. as i myself didn’t believe that i finally FINALLY did the right thing to cut ties with the most irritating & annoying thing in my life.. my father (or so called father)

i left the scene without looking back as my brother followed me (he was under the medics so he didn’t react as much as he hated father’s attitude) i regret nothing.. & still.. even tho i wished if i flipped him out before shouting to come over for the last time (call me an disrespectful, ungrateful brat.. but this is what he gets for crossing the line)

my mum was shocked & tried to comfort me, so was my uncle & grandma.. & they told me that they never thought i would say such cruel words to him.. i can’t even call him dad anymore

i was patient enough to listen to them & treat him as just a sick man who needs treatment.. or even my boss from my work

seriously.. i don’t mind handling my teachers, my professors & my boss at work as long as it’s not personal.. it’s just business nothing more

but i’m here talking about my dad.. a mere stranger with a shitty attitude.. you can’t deal with people with shitty attitude & become just like them in anything

my family’s mum, in particular, always gave me excuses that god should give chances to the likes of my father because no matter what he’s my father & that we should respect him & never EVER insult him EVEN if he did bad things (& they’re too nice to understand me & my brother’s pain)

me & my brother have had enough of the weekly dose of depression whenever wherever we see our father during weekends.. & we get upset for the rest of the week BECAUSE OF HIM!! even his lies.. he never stop lying in my face!! & worse.. he once jokingly harassed a woman when we told him he can get married.. & he never admitted his wrong for doing that.. like “so what?!”.. how low & disgusting it is!!

what father would treat his kids that kind of way?? what kind of raising is that?? it’s fucking barbaric & ignorant & it makes me sick to my stomach!!

parents should raise their kids about morality, scolding when their kids do wrong, teaching them the right & the wrong, give them the amount of happiness even if things went wrong.. THIS. IS WHAT I CALLED.. RAISING!!

i asked myself why?? why am i blessed with a fucked up father?? why can’t i have a father like my uncle who treated his late wife, kids & grand-kids kindly?? i went to a whole new level of depression because of that (even tho i had a lovely mother)

i never cared much about my parents getting divorced nor even cared that i never had the best father because i only have one mother who raised me with love & respect.. until social media & real life fucked me up in my feelings of how most of people loved their father.. i was jealous & hurt, & i cried for a week for missing that kind of feeling.. because i wanted to feel that caring father like anyone would have.. but it was destiny

i even suspected that this so called father was keeping us away from his brother because he knows we’ll love him more than our real father (there was also a situation that a mother kept her children away from seeing their grandmother “her mother in law” for years because of the same fucking reason)

but now i’m moving on.. i don’t need any sympathy or pity

for those who are facing with a situation with a parent (whether a father, mother, or both).. my advice for you.. run.. run as soon as u can & never look back.. bash this person off & tell him how u feel before things get worse.. if he kept up with that attitude over & over & cost you not just your dignity.. but your mentally as well.. run & disappear from that person.. it’s the best punishment for being a bad parent (as much as it hurts but u must be to save your mentality).. & don’t you ever listen to those so-called religious people because most of them honestly never been in YOUR shoes!!

dear newly-wedded-mother... if your dear loyal husband lay a hand on you or your children.. take them & disappear.. even if you gave him one more chance after divorce to be a parent for once of his life & suddenly started to tease you by using your kids as a pawn (even if it gets to kidnap your kids)... go away & never return.. your kids deserves much better peaceful life.. (a story i’ve heard from a friend of mine, that her friend's married & had a daughter.. the father wanted to kill the mother to keep the daughter) so better prepare yourself..

but of course most importantly & be fair for god’s sake.. IF he actually changed himself for the sake of the kids (although i’d rather for you to stay separated from your husband for necessary).. DO NOT bash on your kids of how bad their father was... your kids must know their father & they’re the one to judge.. NOT YOU!! (a guy who went to search for his father who disappeared at the age of 2, & the reason was because they got into a silly fight.. silly fight wouldn’t let a mother to keep her son/daughter away from the father which is unfair)

however.. IF your kids complained that their father/mother started to NOT be himself & begged you to let them cut ties with him/her.. DO NOT force your kids to handle their crazy mentally abuse father just because god told us to HANDLE THEM NO MATTER WHAT... god would never be fair with the likes of those so called fathers/mothers.. your kids’ mentality is much important than letting them seeing their father/mother during weekends & getting dose of depression & hatred that would change their mentality for worse for the rest of their lives

sorry for the long story but had to get it out of my chest

thank you for reading

[ladimelanina]

There's Hurt and Pain Around My Beautiful Dark Skin

God told me to write this. She said, “You’re entering the next stage in your life and you won’t be able to bring this shit with you.  You have important work to do and this baggage will only continue to hold you back from your purpose.”

To those I’m speaking of: I’m not sorry if the way I remember your behavior offends you.  These are my memories and my truth from my perspective.  If I’m fucked up, broken and dysfunctional it’s because of you, but I allowed it.  And being aware of that,  it is now on me to change it - to heal it.  

Be aware of the internal, psychological, spiritual, and emotional damage you may be causing someone.  It’s way more than “kids having harmless fun.”  Don’t teach your kids that stupid shit.  #sorrynotsorry

All I ever hear these days is how beautiful and rich my complexion is.  It was odd to me at first, especially coming from Black people.  White people and foreigners have always found me beautiful but with my people, it was like NOW they wanted to be around me BECAUSE of my dark skin when, before college, it had basically been a “black people repellent”.  I was in the twilight zone so I couldn’t always tell if they were fucking with me, complimenting me so they could get something out of me or if they were actually sincere.  I’ve experienced a little bit of each.  I still struggle with being able to tell the difference today because some people get off on being nasty to others for no reason.  I have plenty of experience with those types.  

Looking back on the first time I became aware that my looks were undesirable to the people in my own community makes me sad for us due to the intense brainwashing into self-hate that we have endured.  I was 5 or 6 when an adult, at least 30 to 40 years my senior, said something negative to me about my complexion, all because my front tire accidentally entered her yard as I was falling off my bike. I forever saw her as an evil bitch after that and did my best to avoid her and her evil daughter who is another story altogether.  But we lived on opposite ends of the same 4-house unit in the projects where I grew up, so it wasn’t an easy task. What kind of mentality does a person have who would call a 5 year old out of their name instead of helping a little girl who fell off her bike?  If my adult self could go back in time, there’s no telling the words I would have with her but also the positive vibes I would instill in that little girl so that she’d be prepared and unbothered by the host of negative encounters to come. 

I always loved my family but I hated those overnight trips to visit my grandma’s sister.  The colorism was real over there and I was always isolated.  The cousins in my age group wouldn’t touch me with a 10-foot pole so I just spent those days sitting alone, watching them play and take time out of play to laugh at me.  Nobody ever stopped it as far as I can remember.  The last time I saw my great aunt before she passed, she said, “You turned out prettier than I would have thought.”  I was stunned and I wasn’t gonna talk back to an old woman so I just thought, “Wow!  You actually thought of me as an ugly child and didn’t think there would be any hope for me to one day be a beautiful woman because I’m dark.”

I learned early on that nobody had my back and everyone, including family, had the potential to hurt me.  (Naturally, I have trust issues.)  I have a great uncle, to this day, that never really asks me how I’m doing or takes much interests in what’s going on in my life but when my lighter-skinned family members come around, he hangs on their every word and action. 

The day I knew I was really alone was when I was at my aunt’s house.  It was just my cousin, who I consider my brother because we were both raised by our Grandma, and my aunt’s god daughter who was kinda my friend but wasn’t as much a friend to me as I had been to her.  I’ve heard so many insults over the years that I’m not even sure what he said - blackie, purple, burnt, crispy, stay out of the sun - just pick one.  But it sparked a fit of rage where I lost control of myself and proceeded to beat him into every room on the top floor, crying and screaming hysterically while he laughed and she looked on giggling here and there.  It was one of the worst hurts because I thought I could at least depend on him to stand up for me but there were times when he would join in on the ridicule and I’d just be forced to wander off and cry alone.  From that day, I would subconsciously embark on a life of not drawing attention to myself.  Being sure to keep myself in the background and in the shadows of whatever was going on around me. 

I didn’t go to school dances and other events.  I didn’t go to my high school prom.  I don’t even think I had a birthday party beyond the age of 10.  In the 10th grade I would wander around the military base (yea, I’m a former army brat) at lunch time with my discman and go into stores and look at magazines and books because I didn’t have any friends to eat lunch with.  I avoided wearing bright colors like yellow, pink and orange because it emphasized my darkness even more.  No matter how girly I really wanted to be, I dressed like a boy until I was about 19. I guess it seemed like a pretty good disguise at the time.  

Along the way, I learned that insults from boys were usually a one and done situation but the girls, even the ones who claimed to be my friends or hang out with me when no one else was available, would constantly pick at me as if trying to break me down little by little everyday.  My “friends” would do it in front of people they were trying to impress.  In middle school, my homeroom teacher asked us to bring in old pictures of ourselves to share with the class.  As my kindergarten picture (above) got passed around, one girl stopped everything by saying, “Who is this?  She’s cute but damn, she black!”  If I could slap the shit out of her today I would.  I was scared to even try to make friends with other black girls.  I got to a point where I just assumed that every time one of them laughed or whispered they were talking about me. That paranoia still haunts me.  I easily made friends with boys but any girl that I was friends with was one who approached me first.  I really don’t even know how to make friends because I’ve always stayed in my box until I was approached.  Any best friends I had in the different states and countries I lived in was usually more like an ONLY friend.   

I’m more introspective and reflective than quick witted so I never really knew how to stand up for myself, which is one of my only regrets.  My comebacks always came hours or days later when I was alone in thought, in the shower or listening to music.  I would beat myself up about not responding then promise myself that next time I would say something and be quick about it.  There’s only one instance I can remember where I actually said something.  The details are fuzzy, but just the feeling of saying something as simple as “shut yo ugly, bitch-ass up” was soooooo worth it!  No one was expecting that because I was known for being quiet and shy and I usually just walked away with my head down.  Everybody laughed at him and it felt good.  I wish I’d done it more often but it is what it is.

One thing that kinda kept me sane, but still dysfunctional in my isolation and loneliness, was the fact that although no one ever told me, I never thought I was ugly.  I always had this theory that I was actually pretty but no one could see it because they were distracted by my skin.  In fact I knew I was cute, I was a dark skinned version of my mom and people are always talking about how pretty she is and how I am her spitting image.  I have beautiful aunts and handsome uncles that all resemble each other so it was impossible that I was ugly.  And my dad, although I never knew him and his family well, my grandma always said he was very handsome. Sometimes before my mom got home from work I would slather on her foundation to change me to her brown complexion for a few minutes and look in the mirror.  I didn’t wish I was light skinned but if I could’ve changed it, I would’ve chosen her brown over my black.

I was told by a family member to be sure to marry a lighter skinned man when I grow up so that my children won’t have to go through the same thing I did.  I need y’all to see me shine now because no child should have to go through any of that.  Wishing they were lighter and having to activate dysfunctional defense mechanisms to get through each day.  Allow children to be their unique selves and be proud of it.  As I said before it was a grown-ass woman who took the first stab at me, a child; and her daughter inherited her mean nasty attitude.  You, the adult, need to change so that your kids don’t model your sickness. Yes, it’s sick and kids only do what they see you doing.  As far as I’m concerned I was ridiculed by the children of a lot of sick adults who are now adults themselves and probably teaching the same level of dysfunctional behavior to the next generation.  STOP IT!  Heed your grandma’s age old advice - If you ain’t got nothin nice to say, keep you damn mouth shut.

It’s been a rough road for me emotionally but if I hadn’t had to build myself up from the very bottom of self-esteem, worth and confidence I might have turned out to be a conceited little asshole that believed that I had to put others down in order to assert my own self-worth.  I’m multi-talented, I’m nice to everyone I meet, I’m interested in the uniqueness of others, and it may be cliche but I care about making the world a better place.  I’m proud of the person I’ve become thus far and I’m still learning and growing.  This is just the beginning.  

Although this really is only the half, a gigantic weight has been lifted from my soul.  I think I can move on now.

Thanks for reading!