#but did start a convo today!!!
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birthdays haven’t been too bad the last few years but with picking my dad up from rehab last year i’ve been getting antsy about it again and my work is gonna leave balloons and a note on my desk and i do work that day and i thought i had the saving grace of my brother doing a thing with me the DAY after but due to work things were now doin it on the day and it’s just looming closer and closer 😰
#personal#you have like 5 bad birthdays in a row and suddenly have an actual fear of ur bday#again it didn’t happen for a few years so i was fine but dad thing now is scared again 🙄#anyway i would have said no to the work thing but i wanted to be normal and encourage good will between my coworkers#i mean on my 45 day review perfect notes but my supervisor had to specify leadership when talking about communication bc i DONT be#talking to my coworkers#which totally fine doesn’t effect my work at all but.#idk i didn’t want to be like no when i already don’t talk to people#but did start a convo today!!!#i’m not bad at talking with people or even strangers i’m not even super shy i’m just bad at being a person#anyway so said yes even tho it does make me antsy thinking about#and i hate working on my birthday bc it feels like.#any event on my bday freaks me out or at least used to and does again#like ideal birthday stay home in bed and survive just don’t want to encourage chance or take any risks#i just want to stay still until it’s over and everyone’s okay#but now i’m working and people are gonna say happy birthday and there will be balloons and a note#and my brothers taking me out which yay love him love solo time gonna ask for sushi#but i’m also scared like what if something happens to him?#but it’s silly to live in fear and he’s only here for like a day#and even if my dad came home i also got my first birthday surprise with my friends lying#and saying they needed art supplies and gave me a cake and hannibal stuff and it was so sweet i cried :)))
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#airika txt.#i was so scared that the session today would be like awkward after finding out my therapist was leaving at the end of june#but lemme tell youuuuuuu 😭#i’m going to miss her so so SO much#this was probably one of the best and most soul bearing sessions we’ve had#and the fact it coincides with the nearly one year mark since starting therapy#it just … it feels good?#there was a lot of crying a lot of laughing#but i’m also so like honored i got to have this convo with her#we talked a lot about hell***** and how the games have really opened up old wounds#and closed ones i didn’t even know were opened#i’m super thankful i could be as open as i was with her bc i do not think i would have been able to be as vulnerable with a new person#and idk if they would have known how to respond like she did#she’s honestly one of the easiest people to talk to and i’m just —#yeah i feel very lucky that THIS convo is one i got to have with her before our time together ended#it feels very much … like closing the door on a part of me that needed to be validated and nurtured and understood#so that this next door / therapist can help me on the rest of my healing journey
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I feel like all these racist riots have now caused all white people to worry about seeming racist that they’re now going out of their way to prove they’re NOT and are being so much nicer in public
#it’s also created solidarity between all of minorities lmaooo#I was in the elevator today and there was a mixed race couple#the dad was white and his mum was there too so she was an older white lady#and their young daughter#anywyas the mum started a convo with us in the elevator (we’re all hijabi)#and then the white dad and his mum also joined and were being soooo nice#why on earth did I say I was on an elevator today 😭#thst sounds like I spent all day on one#I meant I went shopping and was in a LIFT#anyways!!! it was such a nice interaction and it felt like we’re all in this together and we have each others backs#rahma’s rambles
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Time for some personal stuff again (please bear with me)..... today was a long awaited coming out to my mum day hoorayyyyy
#first i had another mental breakdown but let's move past that for now#but yeah the convo went a direction where i decided i had to start this topic#because keeping it a complete secret for the past 3 years was killing me at this point#like i don't really know how to feel rn. maybe i'm just still feeling kind of down in general everything feels weird tbh#but i think it went well overall i didn't even say specifically that i'm aroace just that i'm not interested in relationships at all#ughggh i don't really know man what matters is that i got it out finally and that she accepts it#today has been such a chaotic day 😞 i mean ok lets be honest the last week or two have been a bit much in general#ok idk really what i'm saying this for but i finally did something i've wanted to do for a long time so it's a success#but now i just want some rest from everything it's all been a bit much as of late
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bro i met fuckin quanera hayes today SKJDBCKJDSB
#i didn't realize who she was until after she left but like i looked at her face#i saw her team usa crop top#thought she looked vaguely familiar#and i was listening to the convo she was having with one of the chefs from over the bar window#as i was ringing her up#sjdkbckjsbkjcbdskjbkjsd#like she walked up to my bar today and before i can greet her#she sees the book i was putting down bc i read at work while it's slow and she goes#OHHHHHH CAN I SEE THAT? and like soooo excitedly starts reading the cover and back skjbdcds#she was so sweet 😭#she's coming back next month and i do work that do so skjdbckjs#will be making the best drinks of my life that day KJBSDKJCBKS#ALSO SHE'S ON A VERY FRIENDLY FIRST NAME BASIS WITH OUR CHEFS?#THEY JUST JOKE AROUND?????????? SKDJBCJS that's so fucking cool#i feel like i've definitely seen her come in before like she has to have been a regular too#this is crazy oh my god LMAO. i didn't watch the olympics this year and the last time i did was in high school#had i watched the paris olympics i think i would've been quicker to think LOOOL#wow JKSDBCKJSD#ooc.#tbd.
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📚🎀💕
#hmm there's this librarian working at my local library....#and i know him from before. i was in a bookclub that he was in charge of when i was like 14#the books he chose are the reason i started reading again after a slump of like 2 years#he was always really nice and i felt an affinity w him bc he seemed to also be kinda awkward etc skksks#a couple of years later i was supposed to be in another bookclub that he lead but i ended up never going#he was very nice and tried saying hi to me and smalltalk etc for a while after#but since i was at that time really coming into my avoidant personality disorder#i was just weird and non responsive so obviously we just stopped interacting#however... he still works at the library and i've been seing him every time im there lately#he is SO cool and he has really grown into himself more and he is genuinely nice to ppl#also he was wearing a t-shirt today and i saw that he has tattoos @_@#what im getting is that i think that i have a crush on him again skskksks#i did have a crush on him when i was 14 but it feels more appropriate now that im 25 lol#idk his exact age but he's younger. maybe in his early 30s i'd guess#*not younger that me younger than the librarian stereotype i mean lmao#but yeah my crush on him kinda revived and now im so sad bc i could've known him!!! i could've been able to talk to him#but i messed it up years ago 😔 so now it'd just be strange to strike up a convo. + im not sure he remembers me anymore#sighhhh. everytime i go to the library tho im like.. there he is... so dreamy.. he loves books and reading...#he was also very interesting and he just talks in a way that is compelling and like ugh#UGHHHHHH
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And I’m standing ten toes down behind Eloise
#Ppl calling her feminism white feminism#like yeah for todays standards sure whatever#my feelings on Eloise are complicated but a lot of y’all’s feminism is whether u think Barbie was good and that’s how ur measuring Eloise#like this little girls girl shit is right next to thinking Barbie is a masterpiece is right next to saying here’s my 20 step skincare#routing but it’s for yourself not for men but also here’s how to walk and make eye contact to manipulate a man ;3#like It’s so funny how everyone was mad Eloise didn’t put action to the thoughts#which season 2 was all about btw like I feel like ppl also misunderstand the point of her character and what’s happening internally but diff#and now theyre saying she’s an asshole for shifting topics of convo within her group of peers#when that’s proof that she cannot assimilate the way y’all say she does?#like yuckk#Idk I feel like the visceral reaction to Eloise just feels like ‘if feminist why care about ur dad 🤨’#i was gonna say y’all want Eloise to cut off all ties with her family and start connecting to those of lower classes#but when she did anything CLOSE to that y’all STILL called her an asshole#also you know what you’re walking into when you’re watching bridgerton it was way too early to keep her there you KNOW that#but also also Penelope has been trying to find her niche and balance her family’s reputation with her ideals the entire time#and it does come off as hypocritical and self centered at times just as every single character on this show has!#i said Penelope I meant Eloise it still applies but whatever#anyways#yeah season 2 she came to the conclusion y’all did#that she wasn’t really about it and she should stick to high society#‘she was such an asshole this season’ bc she in fact does believe what she preaches and found ignoring it to be difficult#like y’all are just saying she’s a bad person no she was uncomfortable and response was to be snappy like hello#like this dramatic shift in her character is bc of the trouble she caused her family by trying to stand on business#like when it comes to interpersonal relationships Eloise suffers from the fact that not everyone comes to the same conclusions she does#like she told Benedict she can’t understand how nobody sees what she sees#but that’s not true a lot of people see what she sees#Cressida saw what she sees! what Eloise DOESNT understand is that other ppl come to diff conclusions with the same knowledge!#other ppl see the same thing and choose to flourish within the system no questions! bc they don’t have the privilege to do anything else!#THATS where she needs to grow! the obvious conclusion IS obvious but what to do after is mot the same or available to everyone!#but thats like. the most positive of my feelings towards her it is complicated I’m just being nice rn
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hmm
#having Thoughts that maybe i shouldnt be having#so i have a friend who's handsome hot nice kind sweet funny etc he's like the whole package#yesterday one of our friends told him i didnt have his contact saved on my phone and we (jokingly) made a whole thing out of it#so he took the convo from our gc to our private messages to let me know he had mine saved WITH A SUNFLOWER EMOJI NEXT TO MY NAME#bc ATTENTION according to him i am little flower and im radiant like the sun so = sunflower#like 🥹🥹🥹🥹❓❓❓❓#n then he told me i didnt have to change my pfp bc i alr looked pretty in it then he called me his love and today#we're all going to a party our friends' cheerleading squad is hosting right and he won't go bc he'll be busy that day#i was moping in the gc bc i wanted the promotional prices (im the only one who doesnt go to their uni n non student prices r higher) and#they weren't available anymore so he messaged me to tell me he'd help me go?? i said how he said he'd pay me the difference i was like 💀#so i said okay it's only like 10 bucks and he sent me 20 like hello? i know this doesnt sound like much but we're all broke college students#so like? why did he do it#he said if he wasn't able to go he'd like to at least help me go then sent me extra w a cute little message telling me to enjoy the party#and have fun and calling me a sweet pet name now im like . Confused#bottom line is idk if he's flirting and i probably won't bc a) he's already said he doesnt know to make a move on pretty girls and b) here's#the catch: we have a mutual friend who confessed to me like 3? months ago. i turned her down for a number of reasons n i also knew they had#hooked up before so when i said no ig they started hooking up/going out again? and i wasnt fully aware of that until like. last month#and prior to that i hit on him at a party at our friend's house and all he did was stand there kinda speechless 💀#so i took it as a no n moved on but now idk if its bc like. he was alr w her or he just got shy or if he actually just didnt want it at all#and im just imagining things. and circling back to it: i guess i wont find out bc 1) he won't do anything 2) idk whats the current status of#their relationship (ig over bc they weren't all over e/o at our last function) and 3) even if theyre not together anymore i absolutely would#not try anything behind our friend's back or w/o her knowledge or consent bc they did have something doesnt rly matter what it was and#shes still my friend above all so i gotta be mindful of her feelings for me AND for him and abt us or whatever#so yea thats something thats been on my mind since yesterday#im not like. suffering over it btw its just something on my mind that i wanted to share#i probably wont even do anything about it and then forget abt it next week lol#mari.txt#but also feel free to like comment on this or something i love it when yall r nosey lmfao
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guys. guys !!!!
#vanu is rambling#ok idk this is gonna b a happy post but i think there are lots of people who love me in this world. or at least enjoy my presence.#like i always always always ALWAYS doubt if my friends or family like me and in my head they all secretly hate me#but like for these past couple months things have been different.#i don’t feel so left out (like i usually do in groups) or alone.#like my friends genuinely want me there like they always ask me to go places with them. and i almost always say no because im so busy or#i just cant but they still ask me everytime. yesterday the whole group was calling and playing a game and i got a bunch of texts like hey#where are you u shud join the call it’s rly fun ! but i just couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone at that moment.#today they were rly happy when i joined the call and idk it made me feel like. oh. maybe my friends do like me#and also i have two moods: i’m either super talkative or i go into my little shell and don’t say anything/add to a convo. and like during#those moments they’ll be like hey u ok? or they’ll just listen to me talk about ceramics and how fun it is or how much i hate eating pears#and like. we laugh so much together. like i have so much fun with all of them i love every single one of them omg#and scary thing is we might not even be friends after we start college. but yk what? that’s okay i don’t wanna think about that.#because like who cares? i’m not gonna let my fears ab the future ruin my friendships. i’ll always love them anyways. and we’ll always call.#i’m glad i met them. they’re all such beautiful and funny and amazing strong willed-people. they are my friends.#it’s just so crazy to me that they willingly want to spend time w me and are sad when i can’t. and they’re so understanding at the same time#they don’t get mad about it. and like they have mad eng last year in high school so much more enjoyable.#someone told me that this is ur last year do things so when you look back you don’t regret anything- so you can be proud of what you did#and my friends helped me with that. and like i still feel lonely the majority of the class because despite this there’s like a permanent#stain of sadness right there at the bottom of my heart. but they make the hard days more manageable.#like i’ve been on call with these people until ungodly hours at night just laughing and i go to sleep feeling a bit lighter.#they introduced me to the tech side of theater which i never thought i’d get into but here i am. they teach me silly facts and words in asl.#they taught me dances- knowing full well i SUCK at it- because we all had fun with it. theyve taught me it’s OKAY to be vulnerable in#friendships and that sometimes being open/yourself is quite literally the best thing you can do for your own soul and others. they’re cool#people really. really cool people
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who's up and wants to gaykiss. Maybe girlkiss even
#solar posts#mutuals help me out here i deserve it. i talked to ppl today. voluntarily!!! i even started most of the convos myself like !!!!#who is this girl and where did he hide solar.#gay#queer
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my dad is the kind of person who makes fun of things (mental illness, gender, sexuality, etc) until he encounters it at a close enough proximity to actually think of it as a real thing at which point he’s totally normal about it forever which means I get the honour of gently guiding him through conversations about Vico Ortiz now that he’s discovered they’re nonbinary in the same way a bull is gently guided out of a grenade-strewn china shop
#transphobia in the tags#his not mine#i introduced him to ofmd a while back and he really enjoyed it#to the point where he is currently watching it again#and we were driving together today when he brought up that he'd looked up the actor who played 'the woman' and discovered they were nonbinar#nonbinary*#cue kill bill sirens in my head as I recalled him posting transphobic jokes about nonbinary people on facebook#literally two weeks ago#and i was like 'uh huh? :)'#and made comments about how cool they were and how much i enjoy them to like set the tone of the convo before he could#and he did the thing he always does when he doesn't know how to behave about something where he'll#gingerly make a very neutral comment about it thats kind of bigoted but not maliciously#and he said 'the articles about them are very... PC. You can't even tell what they started out as'#and in the voice one uses to talk to a child i was like 'well yeah they're nonbinary that would have been rude'#literally like bare bones concepts in a way he can understand#and he was like '... yeah it would have been'#and then i redirected the convo back to ofmd#but like#this is exactly what happens when he gets used to ideas about like adhd and anxiety and sexuality#will my dad become less transphobic??#could i be seeing the dawn of an age where coming out to my dad is like#a thing that wouldn't make me sick to think about???#like this may seem small to people who don't know him but#i've seen him reconnect with his eldest daughter and promptly get cut off again because he doesn't know#when to stop being an asshole#the fact he didn't openly make fun of vico is like#genuinely a huge deal#buying party poppers to keep in the linen closet just in fucking case
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Anyone give me flirting tips I am hopeless 😭
#Is texting every day too much#like she’ll answer and all but I usually have to be the one to initiate conversation#i purposely didn’t start a convo today to see if she would and she didn’t#did like my insta story tho#but tbh it was one of the cats and they’re stinking cute#also if she tells me to stop by the shop she works at do I do it the following day or wait s little#i don’t wanna be creepy 😭#haha HIIII
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everyone’s talking all these sophisticated points about Glass Onion but i personally cannot get over the lingering camera shot on the ass of the statue Benoit hides behind to eavesdrop on Miles and Peg
#shhh sharkie#i s2g they spent longer focusing on the ass than on Benoit’s reaction#trying to finish watching this tonight! i started yesterday but then K called and we were on the phone for like an hour and a half#fun convo very good to talk but at the end i was like ‘welp i just used up the energy and attention span i had been devoting to this movie’#and went to bed. so finishing it today hopefully#idk how like adhd motivated i am to watch it but im tired of seeing gifsets and posts about it and not being able to interact#i think i ended up seeing the first Knives Out in theaters but i had waited long enough that i was almost fully spoilered at that point#which like to be clear: i don’t care THAT much about spoilers#cause usually all the important details for the spoilers aren’t in the actual spoilers#it’s like I got the beginning and the end of the puzzle but all the steps to make that puzzle make sense are missing#but with the OG I waited long enough that I did end up getting spoiled for those middle details#and I spent more of the movie looking for those subtle clues instead of just letting myself experience them#anyway! i also took my adhd meds today cause i had work so we’re still in the timeframe for a slightly more neurotypical attention span#did not take my meds over my weekend cause i wasn’t sure i was going to be able to get them refilled before work#so this weekend was kinda a total write-off wrt actual productivity.#i did fun stuff but not important stuff#*stares at the giant pile of clean laundry that has not been put away*
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did i mention i bought 2 new plant babies
#logbook#cant remember anything over the last few days. . .its been wild. .#i stopped by my lil shop yesterday AND friday after work lol. yesterday was mainly to see the lil dog i havent seen since dec.#also bought a new button up :-) lol its floral and im going to wash it today so i might wear it monday eee#had a good day at work fri. was busy and did a lot. had an awkward convo towards the end but i think it worked out.#i was already going to bring that coworker some tea tmrw anyways so it works out too#ive started reading 2 new books. and im going thru all my books games clothes misc etc to get rid of more things.#being 25 and going 'actually yeah ive outgrown that' or 'i never wanted this to begin with but i had to keep it til i had smth to#replace it' or 'why am i still hanging onto you? begone!' is so refreshing and honestly a weight off my shoulders lol#i cant wait to be able to express me some more. . .sigh.
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🌌🗯️
#ughhhh i had a very very unpleasant nightmare and now i just feel awful :<#it was like all dreams super weird and made no sense. like i was in this GIANT obnormous building and was in the elevator#and suddenly i was in a large room where u like went to be accpted to get a job there???#someone told me to change my outfit so this room could get accepted bc it was too revealing#then a man - the big shot - came in and the leader of the room introduced us one by lne#but when it came to me he asked the two of us to introduce ourselves#but when it got to me he said 'now it's eden's turn' & i was like haha im eden but u already know that ;3#he just forcefully moved the convo along and asked me (and no one else) 3 questions#the last one was like 'if u werent here (at work) where would u be?' i hesitated for a moment and he said that if i hesitate too long#it doesnt look good. 'i'll give u one last chance. if u werent at work you would still be here in this place. with your family.#'we will be your family now. that's your answer. do you want to be part of this family?'#it all had an eerie tone to it but i just said 'yes i do. i really want to be part of the family'#and whoosh i was accepted and 'hired' to the very mysterious omnious building (the building was like miles long and big. like an entire city#anyway... this was just odd but then the thing that fucked me up for today#i dreamt of my two old 'friends' first there were just many moments where we talked and did things etc#but then came a part where // tw for SA // i was raped and then....#they both chose to leave me and abandon me after#like they in the middle of the night made sure to bring me home. they werent completely heartless haha....#and i in the nightmare felt safe. like i thought i could count on them#then the next day they were gone and they had also unfollowed and blocked me on all the apps#hmmm... yeah so both of those two things were just so horrible to dream about#and now i just feel like.. yeah. checks out. that's very similar to reality skskks :'))#i feel so lonely and like.. unworthy of care or love or support. ugh not a nice dream to start the day
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literally how do u get a guy to text first 😐😐
#i’ve literally started every single convo and u can fact check me on that#he doesn’t even talk to me at school anymore#it’s literally just me laughing and talking w our friends and him just being there atp#but he did try to officiate my wedding today and ngl he looked fine#like he was better dressed than me#BOTH MY OFFICIANTS WERE BETTER DRESSED THAN ME WHAT#i literally wanted him to just high give me or smth i’m literally lacking physical touch period#OMG WHY CANT WE BE A FANFIC COUPLE#I JUST WANT HIM TO PAT MY BACK OR SMTH UGHHHH#he needs to talk to me#he left me on read for 2 hours already 😭😭
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