#but even then i gotta save money to survive on in August when i move out but still need to live for a month and a half with no student loan

[candyxatu]

i wish i had more money, i could dress even cooler

[mcyt-transcribed]

transcript of “where I've been”

TW for discussion of cancer and Covid-19

 Here’s the Google Doc link or you can click on the read more.

Techno: Yo, Technoblade here with another upload, oh my God I can’t believe it. We’re back, we’re playing Bedwars, uh, I don’t know why I said that in the present tense because I actually recorded these Bedwars games a few days ago. I have- I’ve played like, almost no Bedwars since the win streak, which was like, I dunno, years ago - so, you know, forgive me if I’m a little rusty. These are literally just the first three games of Bedwars I played, recorded them, and then just threw them in this background footage because, you know, I like live commentaries a lot, but I feel like sometimes, when you have a topic to talk about, having to play a video game simultaneously can sorta- it can sorta detract from the commentary, you know?

But before that: a plushie commercial filmed on my iPhone.

We got the first one - it’s Technoblade. He’s in a flying pose. He’s flying to save some civilians or he’s falling flat on his face. Depends on who you ask. Alright. We got the- We got Technoblade. He’s sitting down. He’s- He’s seated. He’s seated. It’s incredibly exciting. Uh, we got- we got Technoblade but he’s- he’s a giant- he’s a gigantic pillow. It’s Technopillow. This is actually- This is actually really- This is really soft. You’re gonna have to take my word for it.

These plushies go on sale on September 3rd at 3 PM EST at youtooz.com. The last ones sold out in around eight hours, so be prepared. I mean, one of them was like, two minutes but ehhh, it’s not happening again.

So where has Technoblade been? I know I’ve been gone since like, June. I was actually being really productive in July, which I know you guys are gonna- You’re not gonna believe me when I say that because I made no content. But I was! I was, you gotta believe me, okay? I was getting so much work done IRL; I was like, filling out paperwork, making business moves, working on merchandise, buying new equipment to make new videos. ‘Cause I really wanted- I really wanted to increase the rate at which I was making videos, ‘cause I kinda spent- You know, I kinda spent like, all this time becoming a famous YouTube and then instantly like, stopped uploading. Which, I mean, to be fair, I guess that started more in like 2018. So, that’s more just a pattern now.

 But I figured, you know, this whole thing where I go two- you know, one or two months without uploading- I don’t want that to be me, man. I wanna be uploading at least once per week. So I spent a lot of time preparing to do that. And the plan was that I would start doing that in August, but I took a- It didn’t- It’s, uh- It’s not going great, I’m not going to lie to you.

So in the last two days of July I noticed that my right arm was starting to hurt a decent amount and I thought- My best guess was that it was some kind of repetitive stress injury, ‘cause you know I’ve been playing video games since the age of like, five. It’s pretty much nonstop. I was gonna get carpal tunnel at some point but, uh, I took a few days to rest my arm and it really didn’t… really didn’t feel any better after that. And so after a few days of that, I looked at myself in the mirror and I noticed that my right shoulder was starting to swell like crazy and I was like, “Oh my God! I must’ve broken a bone, this is-” I mean, this- It looked- it looked crazy.

So, you know, the next day - August 2nd - I, uh, headed over to the doctor to see what was wrong and uh, they ran a couple of scans and then they came back and they told me that, uh, the reason my arm hurts is because I have cancer.

That really couldn’t have gone worse, I don’t think. I feel a bit silly talking about this with, uh, Minecraft in the background; it feels a bit out of place. But I’m a Minecraft YouTuber - I don’t- I don’t do a face cam. Which is I guess how most people would talk about serious things, with a face cam. I also probably, uh- *chuckles* Also probably a bit weird to plug my merchandise in the- in the same video, like, “Hey, guys, I have a- I have a terrible disease, also buy my plushies, bro.” But uh- *laughs* Listen: I’ve been waiting so many months to sell those plushies, bro. And it keeps getting delayed and now cancer thinks it can stop me. No no no no no. I’m trying to make some bank, bro. I wanna get paid, also they look fantastic, I mean just look at them, they look incredible. Alright?

I mean, I guess it would be ideal to like, split up the announcements, but I’m going back into chemotherapy next week; I don’t got time for this, man. We gotta go!

To be fair, I could make this a lot weirder; I could have like, the thumbnail be a giant red arrow pointing to my tumor with the caption “Might die! Not clickbait!” *laughs* Yeah, just the ultimate- the ultimate YouTuber, bro. We’re clickbaiting the whole process.

So after the scans come in, I get transferred to another hospital which has an oncology award, so it’s a lot more specialized towards what I need. And I’m sorta like sitting there in the bed for a couple of days like, “Hello. Could I please get some healthcare? Could I- Could I just get a- Could I just get a crumb of healthcare? Please! Like, I *stutters* I wanna see people sprinting, you know? I feel like I want to see some urgency, you know? If you guys gotta- *stammers* You know, there’s like, this tumor on my arm - if you guys could just- if you guys could just get rid of it. Just get rid of it right now! Could we just go? If you gotta cut off my arm, cut off my arm, bro - do what you gotta do. I won’t complain, man, I’ve won enough Minecraft tournaments. I’ll just play Minecraft with my feet from here on out, bro. I’ll still be B tier at least, okay? It’s fine. Do what you gotta do.”

But then the doctors are telling me, “Oh, well, we can’t- we can’t do it immediately. We gotta- We gotta find out what it is, we gotta run some tests, do a biopsy.” I’m like, “Okay, do the biopsy.” Like, “Oh, well first we gotta do some scans.” I’m like, “Alright, dude, the scans.” And so it took a couple of days and then they did a biopsy, uh, three days later. And then I was like, “Alright. Let’s go!” And they were like, “Oh, well, the biopsy is gonna take like, a week or more to get back.” And I’m just sitting here like, “Bruh, please. Please, just treat me.”

I mean, it makes sense. It makes a lot of sense and I’m sure they know what they’re doing, but I’m just sitting there in the hospital like, “Please. Please, healthcare.” So they get the biopsy and they send me home and they’re saying like, I’ll come back in like a week or so when they have a treatment plan prepared, and so I- It was a very fun week at home ‘cause I was sitting there still not getting treated and I was just like, looking at my tumor like, “Alright, Mr. Tumor. You know, you need me to survive so it’s in your best interest to just- to just chill out for a little bit, you know? We don’t wanna go too crazy.”

And faintly- Faintly if you strain your ears, underneath my skin you can hear:

[Dream’s speedrun music plays for a few seconds]

Techno: Yeah, it was a really fun week. But I did finally get started on chemotherapy, which is a wonderful process. Let me explain chemotherapy. So basically uh, you know how society has progressed for thousands of years of technological and medical innovation? So basically, one of the top three ways we have to fight cancer is uh, for you to go to the hospital and then they uh, plug you into a machine and then they inject poison directly into your veins for several days. That’s uh, that’s one of the best ways we’ve got of going about this and the poison- it’s supposed to kill the cancer - it uh, also kills things like, you know, blood. But ehhh, does anybody really need blood? I feel like it’s pretty optional, you know? Uh- *small laugh* Blood for the Blood God as it were, alright? Uh, I’ll take what I can get.

I, uh, you know, I used to have a channel meme- ‘cause back in the day- you know how my motivation always goes up and down in, like, cycles? I used to have a meme where whenever I’d get super motivated I’d, ya know, I’d start uploading, like crazy. I’d also do things like get a haircut. And, so, I joked that, uh, the less hair I had, the more I’d upload. ‘Cause that’s- the hair was holding me back. And so, if that’s still true, I gotta say, chemotherapy, that’s gotta be daily uploads or something, bro. *laughs* It’s gonna be- Chemotherapy Arc is gonna be fantastic for content.

Well, ya know, after I got diagnosed, I, uh, I’ve been making a lot of phone calls- ya know, informing all of my distant family members about the situation- and, I gotta say, of all the phone calls I’ve made, nobody took the news worse than my health insurance provider. They’ve been inconsolable for weeks. They were like, “You got what!? No!” 

I mean, I had no idea they cared so much. They’ve just- oh my God. I- I think they’re the real victims of this. I mean, could you imagine? Could you imagine? Like, look at me! I was a healthy twenty-two year old, I, like, barely went to the doctor, even for, like, regular appointments. I- I guess I went to the dentist, that’s the one thing I did. I was the freest paycheck they’ve ever seen in their lives. They could’ve been milking money off of me for decades. And then, bam, cancer, bro. *laughs* Oh, those poor guys. 

Uh, the one- the one favor I- I do wanna ask- If you guys could all do one small favor for Technoblade- uh, you know that coronavirus thing you been hearing in the news for the last couple of years? Uh, I want you guys to get rid of it. Just, uh, I want it gone. Just a couple days should be sufficient for you guys to do that.

No, but, seriously. I’m kind of, uh, immunocompromised right now, which means, uh, if a bacteria touches me or, like, a virus touches me, I will explode. So, yeah, uh, I wanna- get the vaccine, is what I’m saying.

I’m gonna get cancelled by the anti-vaxxers for saying it, but it’s such a good vaccine, bro. Pfizer got full FDA approval, this week, for people aged sixteen and up. I think you- you can also get it if you’re eleven to fifteen if you’ve got emergency approval or whatever. Uh, I mean, if you have any concerns, don’t listen to a Minecraft YouTuber, but, please, at least talk to a doctor. Because it’s- it’s so good bro. It’s so good.

The hospitals are currently getting flooded by unvaccinated people. I’m gonna go ahead and speak on behalf of all cancer patients when I say that it is incredibly annoying when the- when the hospitals are getting overworked by people dying of preventable diseases. I’m just saying- we got dibs on those hospital beds. So, ya know, you- you probably don’t- you don’t even want them really. You don’t even want to need them. So, I think the vaccine… what is it? It, like, reduces the chances of you needing hospitalization from Covid by, like, ninety-six percent? I mean, it’s so effective, bro! Come on! I mean, you might still get, like… I mean, you could still catch coronavirus, but, like, the symptoms are gonna be so much milder, bro, I’m just saying. Think about it. Think about it. Talk to a doctor.

I remember when I first went in for chemotherapy, A: I was thrilled, ‘cause, like, yo! Healthcare! Inject it into my veins, bro! Let’s go! But, also, like, the first couple of days were actually pretty chill. I was like, ‘Dang! This is easy, bro!’. And then it kicked in. And then it kicked in. My energy levels were zero; they were absolutely nothing. It’s hard to describe how tired I was, but I think my one example is- so they let me go back home. And after several days of resting, I had a virtual appointment with a doctor. And, so, they were, like, ‘Alright’. And I was just sitting there, like, ‘Wait a second. You guys want me to sit upright in a chair for an hour? What is this, the Olympics, bro? I’m going back to bed! What? What?’ *laughs* ‘Wha? Let’s calm down here. Sitting in a chair? Am I Superman? Like, come one, bro.’

As you can probably tell, I’m feeling a lot better right now. Which is, uh, I think that’s part of the process, is, uh, you get a little bit of recovery time to, uh, ya know, eat a lot of really good food- get the weight back- and get ready for the next round.

And, uh, before we go back for the next round, I’m gonna be playing a lot of video games, uh, making some content, seeing if I can get some more videos prepared, because, uh- I know people are gonna be like, ‘No! Technoblade! You don’t need to make videos for us! Please rest!’

Nah, this isn’t about you, bro. This is about me. I enjoy this, man. This is, like, one of the safest and most fun things I could be doing right now, bro, I’m gonna do it. I don’t know how much content I could make, ‘cause I’m kinda slow, but we’ll see. We’ll see.

I already have a video prepared for next week, uh, September third. You guys are gonna love it. It’s, uh, it was actually- it’s kind of, kind of an old video. It was, uh, from a few months ago, but it’s very good. So, yeah! You guys have that to look forward to. 

And, for the record, I know I’ve been complaining a lot in this video, but I just wanna clarify that the doctors I have are, like, insanely good, bro. I’m gonna be getting some of the finest healthcare in the world, so don’t worry about me too much.

I think the treatment has already started to show some results. I- I mean, it’s been so short of a time, so the results aren’t gonna be insane or anything, but, at the very least, the speedrun music has stopped playing. 

So, yeah, that’s where I’ve been and that’s what I’m gonna be doing for the foreseeable future. Wish me luck, and, uh, wear a mask, I guess. Ya know, standard coronavirus procedures. All that coronavirus stuff and like, getting vaccinated - that goes double for Californians, okay? But it helps everywhere.

Uh, that’s all I’ve got for today. See you guys next time!

[reincarneth-moved]

Extremely detailed character sheet template

Character Chart

Character’s full name: Damian Vernell Castelleve Reason or meaning of name: It all just sounded pretty together,,,,,, Character’s nickname: Dami-chan, Dami Reason for nickname: Just a shortened version of his first name, with an honorific Birth date: Unknown, claims it’s August 15

Physical appearance

Age: Approximately 3 million. How old does he/she appear: 26 Weight: 234 IBs Height: 6′8″ Body build: He’s tall and slender. Muscular, but not obviously so. Definitely looks kind of like a bean stalk. His legs are the most prominently muscular.  Shape of face: Oval shaped Eye color: Crimson, formerly an ice blue Glasses or contacts: None. Skin tone: According to this image, either dolce or toffee.  Distinguishing marks: His skin is unnaturally smooth. He looks more like a painting than a person. Predominant features: Large, pointed elf-like ears. Hair color: Black Type of hair: Thick, somewhere between wavy and curly, silky, soft.  Hairstyle: Goes down to the bottom of his neck/top of his shoulders. Voice: His voice is incredibly deep, with a soft rumble that’s almost like a purr. It lightens up when he’s cheery or joking. Very melodic. Overall attractiveness: Physically he’s like an 8/10, but personality-wise he’s like a 0/10. All in all, the experience is Bad. -2/10.  Physical disabilities: none Usual fashion of dress: Usually, he’s seen with his long, red cloak over him. If he’s not wearing that, you can find him wearing mori-style clothes. All in all, fashionably homeless is his aesthetic. Favorite outfit: As long as he has his cloak he’s good. Jewelry or accessories: An old locket chain with an engagement ring on it. It’s almost as old as he is.

Personality

Good personality traits: Funny (subjective), can be genuinely caring to those who form the right bonds with him, tries to stay optimistic (even if he fails), can give good advice he usually doesn’t follow himself, very social, very unapologetically himself. Bad personality traits: Obnoxious, has an addictive personality, focuses on sex too much, barely has a filter, drunk most of the time. Flip flops on his morals often. Very easily manipulated, gullible. Mood character is most often in: Cheery, chipper. Sense of humor: Morbid, cheesy, usually the first thing to come to mind. Character’s greatest joy in life: Sadly, alcohol. Character’s greatest fear: His old boss, the Lord of the Red Tides. The original Blood Mage who was responsible for destroying his world. After that is dogs and blood sucking insects like fleas, ticks and mosquitos.  Why? He’s afraid of dogs because he woke from a Living getting eaten by a pack of them once. He’s afraid of blood-sucking insects because they’re heavily associated with the Lord of the Red Tides. What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil? His life can’t really get any worse than it already is. Being kidnapped and studied might throw him off for a while, but he would return to a sense of normalcy after a while. Character is most at ease when: When with someone he considers to be family. Most ill at ease when: When someone is being affectionate to him for no discernable reason. Enraged when: When he’s confused, being confronted for something hypocritical he did or going through withdrawals. OR when Dalet is brought up. Depressed or sad when: When he has time to think. Priorities: Having fun, finding distractions. Life philosophy: The past can’t be changed and the future can’t be predicted, so live in the present. If granted one wish, it would be: To have never become a Blood Mage. Why? So he could die with his family, not have to go through the trauma he did. Character’s soft spot: People who he considers to be family. His paternal instinct usually comes out around younger or troubled girls. Unofficially adopt,,,  Is this soft spot obvious to others? Probably. Greatest strength: His fierce protectiveness.  Greatest vulnerability or weakness: His lack of common sense and how easy he is to manipulate/trick. Biggest regret: Becoming a Blood Mage. Minor regret: Allowing himself to be possessed by Dalet. Biggest accomplishment: Graduating from college and getting to start his job at a law firm. Minor accomplishment: Surviving to his first Living.  Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: None, he’s absolutely shameless! Why? N/A Character’s darkest secret: He killed his fiance. Does anyone else know? I’m pretty sure only, like, 2 people know.

Goals

Drives and motivations: To return to a sense of normalcy. Immediate goals: Start up his business as a contract killer. Long term goals: Remove Dalet from his body. How the character plans to accomplish these goals: who knows?? I don’t, he certainly doesn’t.  How other characters will be affected: They gotta put up with him,,,,

Past

Hometown: Halbirn, Morstika Type of childhood: It was fairly normal - he was one of those kids that was quiet until you started talking to him. Very kind, caring, always someone you could vent to.  Pets: He used to have a dog and a cat. First memory: He doesn’t remember it anymore, he’s too old.  Most important childhood memory: He can’t recall it. Why: N/A Childhood hero: N/A Dream job: Lawyer. Education: A master's degree in Law. Religion: Polytheistic, the name and practices have been lost Finances: He used to be very responsible with his money, saved up and was very well off because of that and his well-paying job.

Present

Current location: Moves around a lot. Currently roaming around Japan. Currently living with: Dalet, technically. Pets: N/A Religion: He’s seen Gods and doesn’t like them. Occupation: Professional mooch, a contract killer. Finances: Struggling, for the most part, due to his alcohol addiction.

Family

Mother: Irina Castelleve Relationship with her: It was a healthy relationship, she is currently deceased. Father: Henri Castelleve Relationship with him: It was healthy, he is currently deceased. Siblings: Noémie, Beau, Sylvester, Amir Relationship with them: Noémie is deceased, Beau is also deceased (reanimated, Damian is not aware of this), Sylvester is deceased (descended to Foul, their relationship is somewhat strained), Amir is deceased (a ghost). Before the apocalypse, they were all fairly close.  Spouse: Natalya (former fiance).  Relationship with him/her: She’s dead. Children: N/A Relationship with them: N/A Other important family members: N/A

Favorites

Color: Teal Least favorite color: Yellow Music: Pop, Classical Food: Spicy or sweet foods. Literature: Classic literature, horror, cheesy romance Form of entertainment: Drinking, socializing Expressions: N/A Mode of transportation: Motorcycle, walking Most prized possession: An old engagement ring and chain.

Habits

Hobbies: Plays a musical instrument? Piano, possibly guitar (haven’t decided yet.) Plays a sport? No. How he/she would spend a rainy day: Staying in and reading, maybe visiting an acquaintance to spend time with them. Spending habits: Mostly spends his money on food, alcohol and occasionally drugs. Mostly alcohol. Smokes: On occasion. Drinks: Beer, Vodka, Whiskey, Rum... Other drugs: Occasional marijuana, ecstasy and cocaine use. What does he/she do too much of? Everything??? Everything. What does he/she do too little of? Taking care of himself, trying to understand other people. Extremely skilled at: Picking up emotional cues. Extremely unskilled at: Thinking through things logically. Nervous tics: Avoiding eye contact, running his hands through his hair, looking away. Usual body posture: A slight slouch. Mannerisms: Tilting his head, placing a hand in front of his chin, narrowing his eyes/squinting Peculiarities: Doesn’t seem to be familiar with or fond of casual, platonic touch. Also doesn’t seem to get that a lot of the things he does aren’t normal. 

Traits

Optimist or pessimist? Introvert or extrovert? Daredevil or cautious? He’s a bit of a daredevil to an extent. If he knows he’s angering something that could potentially kill him, he will back down. Logical or emotional? Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? Prefers working or relaxing? Confident or unsure of himself/herself? He’s very egotistical but is unsure of the direction his life is going, his morals/values and he’s not sure where he stands when it comes to other people.  Animal lover? Yes, but they hate him.

Self-perception

How he feels about himself: He thinks he’s better than humans, being a ‘superior’ sort of being. That being said, he used to be human himself, and he struggles with trying to reconcile that fact with what he’s become now.  One word the character would use to describe self: Awful. One paragraph description of how the character would describe self: ‘Damian Castelleve is an inhuman beast incapable of true compassion. There is not a single redeeming thing about his personality and looks will only get him so far. He’ll never understand why people put up with something so unnerving. At least he’s nice to look at.’ What does the character consider his best personality trait? He would consider how social he is to be his best trait. What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait? He’s not a fan of how easily he tends to like people. It makes him more merciful if he needs to kill them.  What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic? He finds his eyes to be the best thing about him. What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic? His height. It’s inconvenient and unnatural. How does the character think others perceive him: He’s pretty sure 90% of the people he meets don’t like him.  What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: Nothing, he’d be content rotting away just as he is.

Relationships with others

Opinion of other people in general: He thinks everyone is pretty much trash? There is no such thing as a good person in his eyes. This goes for himself as well. That being said, he does try to see the good in people, even if he thinks they’re mostly bad. Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others? Sometimes he tries, but he’s incredibly bad at it. His emotions and opinions become obvious in other ways. Person character most hates: Dalet, the spirit/golem that possessed his body. Best friend(s): He wouldn’t consider anyone his best friend. Love interest(s): None, he’s aromantic Person character goes to for advice: Konstantin, when he’s available. If not, Dalet.  Person character feels responsible for or takes care of: Mimi ( @shinkuraun​), Rima ( @bojoukken​), Masako ( @sukiban​) Person character feels shy or awkward around: Any beautiful woman t b h Person character openly admires: Other, older Blood Mages. Person character secretly admires: The Lord of the Red Tides. Most important person in character’s life before story starts: His family. After story starts: Himself.

[illusionfm-blog]

*    𝖘𝖚𝖋𝖋𝖊𝖗𝖎𝖓𝖌  ,  chapter  ii  :  the  second  part  ft  .  emerson  hemmingway  ,  ya  favorite  fake  ass  !  intelligent  n  powerful  ,  no  nonsense  ,  problem  child  but  aint  nobody  gotta  b  knowin  that  bc  she  won’t  make  it  known  .  she’s  playing  some  dangerous  games  but  that  big  head  of  hers  is  convinced  she’s  not  abt  to  get  caught  and  lowkey  ?  if  anyone  can  pull  it  off  ,  it’d  be  her  !  

⋆    ╰    another     year     at     hollingsworth     ,  another     year     of     the  big     six rivalry     .     i     hear     that  EMERSON    HEMMINGWAY     is     ensuring  CHI    MU    OMEGA     gets     a     solid     pledge     class     and     stays     at     the     top     of     the     ranks     .  oh     ,     you’re     not     familiar     with  HER  ?  EM     is     the  TAYLOR    HILL     look     alike     from  CHICAGO    ,    ILLINOIS     .     a    part     of     PC  ‘16     ,  she  is     majoring     in  PRE-MEDICAL    BIOCHEMISTRY        and     has     plans     to  PURSUE    MEDICAL    SCHOOL    AND    HER    LIFELONG    AMBITION    OF    BECOMING    A    SURGEON     after     undergrad     .     it     makes     sense     they     pledged     their     house     ,     their  FERVID     &  ERUDITE     attributes     make     them     perfect     matches     .     however     ,     their  MENDACIOUS     &  UNRELENTING     attributes     keep     their     name     alive     on  greek     rank     .     if     you     don’t     catch     them     dancing     to  RHIANNON    -    FLEETWOOD    MAC     at     a     fraternity     band     party     this     year     ,     you’ll     be     sure     to     catch     them     nursing     their     morning     hangover     at  THE    CHI    O    HOUSE    .  cheers     to     another     wild     semester    !

tw  :  mentions  of  drug  use  ,  mental  illness

⋆  ╰    𝑺  𝑻  𝑨  𝑻  𝑰  𝑺  𝑻  𝑰  𝑪  𝑺   .

𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍    𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆 :     emerson  elaine  hemmingway  (  formerly  katsopoulous  ) 𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬     :    em  ,  emmy  ,  ems 𝒃𝒊𝒓𝒕𝒉𝒅𝒂𝒕𝒆    /    𝒂𝒈𝒆 :    august  12    ,    twenty  -  one 𝒛𝒐𝒅𝒊𝒂𝒄     :    leo 𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓    𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒕𝒚    /    𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒔     :     cisfemale    identifying    with    she  /  her    /    hers  pronouns 𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏     :     openly    bisexual    and    biromantic  ,  no  preference 𝒐𝒄𝒄𝒖𝒑𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏    :    pre-medical  biochemistry  major    at    hu  ,  forward  for  the  hu  women’s  ice  hockey  team  ,  academic  success  center  advisor  &  personal  tutor  ,  personal  trainer  ,  aspiring  surgeon 𝒉𝒐𝒈𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒔    𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒆    :    slytherin 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏    𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒑𝒊𝒓𝒆𝒅    𝒃𝒚     :     fiona  &  lip  gallagher    from  shameless  ,  debbie  ocean  from  oceans  8  ,  spencer  hastings  from  pll  ,  princess  bubblegum  &  marceline  from  adventure  time  ,  natasha  romanoff    &  carol  danvers  from  the  mcu  ,    meredith  grey  &  alex  karev  from  grey’s  anatomy 𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒕𝒔    :         -    distant  ,  mendacious  ,  unrelenting  ,  severe  ,  obsessive  ,  easily  goaded  ,  defensive  ,  pessimistic  .

+        fevrent  ,  erudite  ,  observant  ,  level-headed  ,  astute  ,  perceptive  ,  polished  ,  ambitious  ,  capable  .

⋆  ╰      𝑨  𝑵  𝑻  𝑬  𝑪  𝑬  𝑫  𝑬  𝑵  𝑻 .

more  bullet  points  ,  for  the  𝖜𝖎𝖓

emerson  elaine  katsopoulous  comes  into  the  world  on  an  uncharacteristically  warm  chicago  night  ,  testing  positive  for  opioids  ,  a  father  who’s  already  forgotten  her  mother’s  name  as  he  rots  in  a  prison  cell  ,  and  no  reason  for  anyone  to  believe  she’d  ever  amount  to  anything  .

custody  is  awarded  to  her  grandpa  ,  christos  ,  and  pretty  much  the  only  family  she’s  ever  known  becomes  the  ratty  neighborhood  she  grows  up  spending  her  evenings  in  .  christos  surviving  on  disability  and  doing  odd  construction  jobs  here  and  there  under  the  table  for  some  spare  spending  money  ,  emerson  spends  most  of  her  days  under  the  supervision  of  the  dysfunctional  families  in  her  neighborhood  ,  all  fucked  up  in  their  own  ways  but  doing  their  absolute  best  .  she’s  reading  the  label  of  the  cigarette  boxes  she  plays  with  as  toy  cars  by  the  age  of  3  ,  chatty  and  curious  ,  always  inquiring  why  the  man  in  the  street  is  laying  there  with  a  spoon  in  his  hand  or  why  the  ladies  on  the  corner  at  night  are  “  dressed  like  its  warm  when  it’s  really  really  cold  outside  ”

christos  enforces  a  strict  no-visitation  policy  for  emerson’s  mom  and  ensures  the  whole  neighborhood  keeps  it  up  ,  although  there’s  very  little  he  can  do  when  the  vagabond  woman  seeks  emerson  out  on  the  playground  at  school  with  playground  attendants  who  clearly  don’t  care  enough  about  their  jobs  to  pay  attention  

one  of  emerson’s  earliest  formative  memories  is  her  mother  “  picking  her  up  ”  from  school  and  telling  her  they  were  off  to  go  on  an  adventure  ,  causing  an  amber  alert  to  be  put  out  for  the  then  seven-year  old  emmy  .  watching  her  mother  abandoning  her  on  the  sidewalk  to  bolt  away  at  the  sound  of  the  sirens  approaching  is  something  emerson  recognizes  as  the  beginning  of  her  trust  issues

the  older  she  gets  ,  the  more  she  acts  out  ,  landing  her  eventually  in  a  behavioral  school  in  downtown  chicago  where  she  spends  her  days  learning  just  about  nothing  in  class  and  acts  out  even  more  severely  .  christos  is  at  his  wit’s  end  with  the  visitations  from  police  and  her  behavioral  officer  ,  even  a  brief  stint  in  juvie  not  being  enough  to  curb  the  girl’s  enthusiasm  for  trouble  .  

aggression  towards  authority  figures  was  a  major  complaint  ,  but  the  most  severe  issue  became  emerson’s  quick  tongue  and  sharp  observation  .  after  having  learned  a  few  tricks  of  the  trade  from  other  students  at  the  behavioral  school  ,  she  finds  herself  increasingly  talented  at  conning  the  absolute  living  shit  out  of  other  people  .  at  first  it’s  small  things  ,  trading  academic  favors  for  weed  and  somehow  selling  that  for  twice  its  worth  to  the  gullible  students  ,  finding  ways  to  forge  signatures  on  things  she  needs  signed  by  a  guardian  ,  to  the  more  elaborate  and  high  scale  ,  such  as  taking  the  SATs  for  private  school  students  in  the  next  county  over  and  making  BANK  ,  conning  boys  into  trading  off  their  rolexes  which  she  later  pawns  .  

christos  puts  her  in  ice  hockey  at  the  recommendation  of  her  juvenile  probation  officer  at  the  age  of  13  ,  which  proves  to  be  one  of  her  saving  graces  .  her  coach  becomes  a  notable  figure�� in  her  life  ,  smacking  the  sense  into  the  chaotic  child’s  mind  that  she  can  accomplish  so  much  more  than  she  gives  herself  credit  for  .  her  behavior  interventionist  recommends  an  adhd  screening  for  which  she  finally  gets  a  diagnosis  ,  and  a  prescription  for  adderall  ,  which  marks  the  beginning  of  her  transformation  .

just  before  entering  high  school  ,  christos  and  emerson  are  contacted  by  a  woman  who  identifies  herself  as  her  long  lost  aunt  .  as  it  turns  out  ,  her  hockey  coach  had  done  some  digging  and  found  that  her  father  ,  a  man  em  had  never  once  spoken  to  ,  had  an  estranged  family  located  in  ohio  ,  moguls  of  a  local  architecture  chain  with  political  ties  and  very  well  off  .  wanting  to  branch  out  into  more  metropolitan  areas  ,  they  mention  their  interest  in  moving  to  chicago  ,  and  concoct  a  plan  that  changes  emerson’s  life  

thanks  to  some  insider  ties  ,  her  politician  aunt  daphne  has  completely  erased  her  felon  brother  from  any  connection  to  her  ,  and  has  forged  a  life  for  herself  with  her  architect  husband  .  feeling  a  duty  to  her  estranged  niece  (  and  preferring  to  get  ahead  of  any  potential   surprises  that  could  come  from  having  secret  family  derailing  her  political  career  )  daphne  and  christos  come  to  the  agreement  that  emerson  can  be  “  adopted  ”  by  her  aunt  ,  living  as  her  daughter  and  trading  the  slums  she  grew  up  in  for  a  life  of  luxury  and  illusion  .  emerson  learns  to  tell  the  lie  with  ease  ,  “  i  lived  with  my  grandpa  instead  of  my  mom  and  dad  due  to  some  health  complications  that  were  best  treated  at  the  university  of  chicago  medical  center  ,  but  they  spent  as  much  time  as  possible  here  ”

in  order  for  the  lie  to  work  ,  and  possibly  one  of  the  most  difficult  moments  of  emerson’s  life  ,  daphne  regretfully  has  her  cut  off  contact  with  everyone  from  her  “  old  life  .  ”  letting  go  of  a  felon  father  and  schizophrenic  drug  addicted  mother  was  easy  due  to  never  having  attached  herself  in  the  first  place  ,  but  abandoning  the  families  that  raised  her  and  the  hockey  coach  who  changed  her  life  was  among  the  most  painful  thing  she’s  ever  done

she  changes  her  last  name  ,  moves  to  the  upper  class  suburb  of  chicacgo’s  finest  ,  her  con  artist  tendency  making  her  transition  seamless  and  the  illusion  of  fitting  in  so  much  more  than  an  illusion  .  learning  from  those  around  her  ,  emerson  learns  the  exact  things  to  say  ,  the  precise  ways  to  move  ,  and  with  a  newly  funded  bank  account  thanks  to  her  “  parents  ,  ”  she  pulls  off  the  act  with  ease  .  she  moves  up  into  a  premier  hockey  league  ,  achieves  grades  that  catch  the  attention  of  countless  schools  ,  and  transforms  into  a  driven  and  determined  steam  train  ,  with  a  one  way  ticket  into  a  legacy  she’s  built  from  the  ground  up

hollingsworth  u  became  her  most  appealing  option  after  touring  the  premises  and  finding  the  competitiveness  of  an  ivy  league  without  the  social  ineptitude  — equal  parts  ritzy  glam  and  fierce  ambition  ,  hu  seemed  to  embody  everything  emerson  was  seeking  without  the  pretentiousness  of  the  other  schools  groveling  at  her  feet  to  have  her

her  first  few  years  are  a  breeze  ,  her  family  connections  meaning  she’s  set  up  in  countless  places  to  achieve  whatever  she  wants  .  she  gets  an  internship  at  the  medical  center  doing  research  by  her  sophomore  year  ,  is  a  starter  on  their  women’s  hockey  team  ,  and  is  enjoying  the  social  aspect  of  her  sorority  time

shit  TRULY  hits  the  fan  the  summer  before  her  senior  year  ,  when  daphne’s  campaign  for  mayor  of  chicago  is  rattled  by  an  investigation  that  exposes  her  senior  assistant  for  having  embezzled  from  the  city  .  though  daphne  herself  is  innocent  ,  the  political  climate  pushes  for  a  closer  eye  on  the  hemmingways  and  their  dealings  .  a  crisis  manager  (  literally  olivia  pope  lmao  )  does  her  own  research  and  before  emerson  knows  it  ,  she’s  suddenly  thrust  into  her  senior  year  with  absolutely  no  financial  support  from  her  family  .  as  it  turns  out  ,  due  to  the  corners  cut  by  not  formally  nor  legally  adopting  emerson  (  as  it  would  have  left  a  paper  trail  )  ,  the  financial  aid  daphne  provided  would  route  in  a  way  that  would  not  line  up  with  the  birth  certificate  that  showed  emerson’s  birth  parents  as  people  other  than  her  fake  parents  .  not  wanting  to  risk  a  scandal  that  would  make  national  headlines  without  doubt  ,  daphne  and  emerson  devise  an  alternative  where  em  uses  her  academic  and  athletic  prowess  to  earn  scholarships  to  cover  her  schooling  ,  which  can’t  be  traced  and  leave  no  red  flags  for  anyone  trying  to  dig  up  dirt  .  

emerson  knows  she  can’t  let  anyone  think  she’s  struggling  ,  both  for  her  own  ego  and  for  the  sake  of  her  aunt’s  campaign  ,  which  is  why  she’s  pushing  herself  to  the  edge  to  keep  up  both  her  academics  and  her  athletics  to  maintain  these  scholarships  .  while  these  cover  the  basic  costs  ,  keeping  up  the  lifestyle  she’s  had  requires  a  bit  more  effort  ,  which  is  where  it  seems  this  tiger  won’t  change  her  stripes  no  matter  how  well  she  had  hidden  them  for  so  long  .  what  started  as  simple  tutoring  turned  into  a  teleportation  back  to  her  behavioral  school  in  chicago  but  on  a  wider  scale  —  she  sells  her  adderall  prescription  to  make  quick  cash  and  offers  her  services  for  fake  test  taking  or  last-minute  essay  writing  .  it’s  high  risk  ,  but  also  high  reward  ,  and  emerson  has  always  thrived  in  high  pressure  situations

⋆  ╰      𝑨  𝑵  𝑨  𝑳  𝒀  𝑺  𝑰  𝑺  .

personality  wise  ,  em  is  known  for  being  the  cool  calm  and  collected  type  ,  who’s  a  bit  of  a  mystery  to  most  .  she’s  an  illusion  and  lives  the  lie  she’s  been  telling  as  if  its  her  second  skin  ,  sometimes  losing  what  she  believes  in  at  her  core  .

she’s  deeply  ambitious  and  wants  to  be  a  surgeon  ,  her  dream  since  she  was  a  child  as  medicine  was  the  most  stimulating  thing  possible  to  her  .  she  did  so  much  research  on  her  “  fake  illness ”   to  sell  her  story  that  she  ended  up  falling  in  love  with  it  ,  and  has  been  set  on  medicine  ever  since

this  aggressive  ambition  can  also  show  as  fixation  or  obsession  ,  and  emerson  has  a  severe  problem  with  not  knowing  where  to  let  go  .  while  she  seems  cool  and  detatched  ,  she’s  obsessed  with  never  feeling  like  she  could  have  done  more  and  will  always  be  the  girl  who  can  be  goaded  into  taking  things  too  far  ,  often  putting  her  in  dangerous  situations  that  she  has  to  figure  her  own  way  out  of

she  tends  to  take  everything  kinda  seriously  and  despite  being  p  relaxed  ,  her  perfectionist  type  a  side  makes  itself  very  apparent  in  the  day-to-day  of  her  life  .  she  knows  how  to  play  hard  and  enjoys  herself  a  good  party  ,  but  even  in  the  way  she  plays  beer  pong  she  hates  to  fail

has  a  sexy  deep  voice  n  an  even  SEXIER  deadpan  sarcastic  wit  .  ..  .  def  the  friend  to  call  out  bs  without  batting  an  eye  ,  usually  wearing  an  oversized  hoodie  n  gucci  slides  ,  em  is  the  literal  intersection  of  boujie  and  casual   PHEW

having  such  an  unstable  upbringing  and  so  many  shitty  experiences  at  such  a  young  age  have  hardened  her  and  made  her  deeply  unwilling  to  trust  others  .  she  tends  to  keep  the  world  at  a  distance  ,  and  even  her  closest  friends  always  admit  it  feels  like  they’re  still  an  arms  length  from  her  deepest  layer  .  emerson  is  pretty  sure  the  only  person  to  ever  see  her  cry  is  her  grandpa  ,  and  intends  to  likely  keep  it  that  way

instead  of  freaking  out  ,  em  shuts  down  !  v  unemotional  !  she  just  detatches  and  tries  to  be  calculated  which  tends  to  make  people  think  she’s  some  shitty  robot  who  doesnt  give  a  fuck  about  anyone  but  herself  bc  of  her  “  rich  girl  upbringing ”  which  is  true  to  an  extent  ,  but  nobody  will  ever  know  the  true  backstory  that  explains  her  emotional  detachment  and  secrecy

in  a  way  ,  even  though  she  has  the  world  convinced  she’s  this  composed  individual  ,  she  still  always  thinks  of  herself  as  a  chaotic  problem  child  which  only  fuels  her  determination  even  more  ,  often  to  the  extent  that  she  fucking  burns  herself  out  .  she’s  incredibly  cynical  and  has  a  p  negative  self  perception  because  she’s  just  that  fucking  hard  on  herself

has  never  really  been  in  love  !  she’s  never  let  anyone  close  enough  to  her  that  she  risks  getting  attached  enough  to  get  hurt  ,  which  means  relationships  are  usually  rather  shallow  and  end  when  she  gets  bored  or  when  they  get  tired  of  waiting  for  her  to  open  up

stressed  as  SHIT  trying  to  keep  up  her  illusion  for  her  own  ego’s  sake  and  that  of  her  family  !  she’s  ashamed  of  her  upbringing  and  her  aunt  has  always  been  pretty  good  to  her  ,  and  em  recognizes  that  if  daphne  wouldn’t  have  appeared  ,  emerson  would  probably  have  ended  up  like  either  one  of  her  parents  .  people  have  noticed  that  emerson  seems  a  lil  more  anal  than  usual  ,  but  the  con  in  her  makes  it  easy  to  convince  everyone  she’s  just  stressed  with  the  prospect  of  graduation  and  medical  school  

[bigskydreaming]

hope this isnt too personal, but does your motel give a discount if you book a longer stay? i know you are gonna be looking for an apartment, but since you are there now, is there a certain amount of time that they start giving a discount? that way if someone is unsure of what to donate at least they have some type of number in mind, if that makes sense

Hey, no worries on the question front, I don’t mind answering. This is probably gonna get longer/more involved than you needed, but a few people have asked me similar questions and so its worth it probably to make a post that covers all of them in depth, all in one go to save time. So, your answer’s in here lol, take what you need and ignore what you don’t! Haha.

So yes, the motel I’m staying at, they give me about as much of a discount as they give anyone, and have for awhile, since I’ve been here pretty consistently since like…August, lol. So, they charge me $85 per day instead of their usual $95 for weekdays and $115 for weekends, and yup, its still a very rundown roach motel, so if you think that seems way expensive, like…you’re not wrong, but also…its LA. *Shrugs* 

This isn’t to say that there’s not cheaper motels anywhere in LA, there’s just a couple other pretty critical factors involved there. First, it’s the cheapest I’ve found in my area, which is the area where I’ve been looking for an apartment, a part of town I’m familiar with, can get around to most places I need to go on foot, as well as having a pretty easy straightforward route to all the places I eventually need to go for my ongoing treatment/procedures. And yeah, this area is far from the cheapest in LA to live, but its not impossible either. There are one bedrooms in this area for around $1,400 a month, which again is expensive, but since my various issues have made finding a roommate/renting a room from total strangers pretty hard to find and living by myself is still my likeliest option, it is what it is. And when you consider that even in this motel I’ve been basically paying $2,600 a month, like…when I get I finally get into a place, that’ll still ease things for me tremendously because even a one bedroom at a price like that is a thousand bucks a month I won’t have to make.

And one of the other big factors is that mobility is a huge issue for me. I don’t actually think that public transpo is as bad of an issue in LA as a lot of people make it out to be - I mean, most cities do it better and the buses and metros can be pretty unreliable sometimes, but I’ve never had a huge problem using it to get to most places in the city when I’ve been without a car in the past. But the biggest drawback to my physical condition these days isn’t actually the pain or headaches, like, they suck but I can deal with them. It’s the vertigo that trips me up, because my equilibrium is all fucked and can shift randomly like with zero warning. So walking pretty much anywhere I can be moving along fine and then bam, I’m staggering like I’m drunk or even more fun, just fall flat on my ass. So walking nowadays is a very slow affair for me, not because of my pace, but because I have to keep stopping and starting and leaning up against walls any time I feel a new bout of vertigo start coming and need some extra balance until it passes. 

(Random Sidebar, but Pokemon Go is such an unexpected lifesaver, lmao, I can’t even tell you. I fucking love that thing and have it out anywhere I go, because its soooooo much better having to stop randomly in the middle of the sidewalk and hug a wall when people going by can see it and go oh he’s just trying to catch a Pokemon or battle that Gym instead of like, assuming you’re on a ten am bender or tripping out or something). 

Anyway, all of that makes it pretty much impossible to predict how long it’ll take me to walk places, and which makes it definitely impossible to catch an already unreliable bus or metro on time unless I leave way in advance to catch a bus that’s even a mile away. And most places in LA can be reached by bus or metro, but you usually have to take a lot of transfers, there’s not a lot of straight shots from A to B, and that’s what really gets me. Because the odds of me making it to the bus stop I gotta walk to after getting off at one spot and actually catch the next bus when my apps tell me to based on the routes I mapped out…they’re not good. LOL. And Uber gets expensive fast when trying to make it around LA, its not really an alternative when your budget is stretched as thin as you can make it already.

So traveling anywhere these days is typically a day long affair for me, no matter where I’m going. So I’ve definitely explored trying to stay in other cheaper locations or renting airbnbs which have better discounts for longer stays, but when you factor in my mobility issues and usual travel times…its not really as feasible as it seems at first glance. The apartment hunt is a big part of that….I pretty much HAVE to stay in the same area as I apartment hunt, since I have to do that on foot or else waste whole hours missing buses and waiting for the next ones, and with as long as it takes me to walk places….when I’ve tried staying in cheaper motels further away, by the time I even get to where I’m actually searching for apartments, I’m lucky if I can make it to two or three different locations to even get an application, before I have to start trekking back to where I’m staying.

And every day I spend apartment hunting or even traveling is a day that’s pretty much a complete wash as far as work goes. Like, with my savings looooong since wiped out completely, I live day to day, spending money about as quickly as I make it. Which means at the prices I’m talking, $85 a day for motel plus $10-$15 for food that day, (since the only way to get an actual meal without a kitchen or easy access to a nearby food bank or shelter is any take out places in the area, which add up fast) - essentially, I’ve been working nonstop every single day I can for at least the past seven months, busting my ass to make a minimum of $100 bucks a day, because that’s pretty much what it costs for me to keep just treading water at the current status quo. So anything short of a hundred dollars I make in a day tends to go immediately towards the cost of surviving, and anything more than that gets saved up to allow me even like a single day of apartment hunting or other necessary travel. Because a day I have to spend entirely walking and busing around is a day there’s no chance of me making $100, so I can only do that in the first place when I’ve managed to save up enough to take a day ‘off’ from work. 

Which, lol, means what is a day off, even? I can’t remember, haha, there’s nothing restful or relaxing about the days I have to spend traveling or walking around, let alone the days where I just can’t find enough work to make my $100. Same reason homeless shelters aren’t really viable for me at the moment. I’ve stayed in a couple at a few points in the past, years ago, and sure they’re not fun but its like, whatever, you know. But in my current state like….not spending money on a motel for the day(s) I’m staying in a shelter doesn’t actually mean I’m saving money if I’m not making even that much per day while in a shelter. Because if I can’t even get online to work while there and I end up having to travel even just to a Starbucks (with all my stuff) to work for the day, like, that already substantially cuts into how much time I actually have to work and how stressed I am which affects productivity, etc….which means it would end up taking two or three days to make as much as I need for even one day in a motel.  And so it doesn’t really save me money, it just makes it easier to fall into the trap of not being able to ever get back OUT of the shelter and into somewhere else again without any real benefit in the first place.

So, all of that also means that even days spent traveling to cheaper motels or airbnbs end up costing me just as much in lost work as I save in cheaper rent. Also, my material possessions at the moment are just few enough that I can take them all with me when I move from place to place, but that’s still enough that when even walking around and taking buses empty handed is….An Adventure, like….doing so while lugging all your shit in a couple bags that are pretty heavy when its been over a year since your last workout and you’re scrawnier than you’ve ever been in your life, lmao, like….that’s A Super Fun Adventure that tbh I try and avoid as much as humanly possible. The nearest laundromat from where I am is only a half mile away, and Laundry Day alone is so much fun I just can’t even, lolol.

And all of that’s what led to me posting my first donation post last month and this one, because when you’re only surviving on the money you make each day, a single day of not making your quota can wipe you out. I was sick for like, three days at the start of last month and that was all it took to set me impossibly behind and with peoples’ donations being the only way I managed to get on top of shit again. But then on top of that, December was always gonna be a hard month to keep meeting my daily work quota cuz of people busy with and budgeting for the holidays, and so I still only scraped by the later weeks in the month thanks to the donations I had saved from that first post and still wound up right back here in the same kinda position anyway. I’m actually a couple days behind on rent again, hence why I posted that new post yesterday, but I’ve been able to stay just under Too Far Behind, like at a point where I’m still paying something day by day so they’re giving me a chance to catch up this time. (And much thanks to the people who already donated yesterday and this morning, you’ve helped me eat and close that gap and between that and work I’m getting closer to back on top of that again, so I can start saving up to resume my apartment search and actually have money to give one when I find it).

Anyway, that should cover most of the questions I’ve gotten, lol, in my usual TMI sort of way. But idk, not anything to do with any of the anons I’ve had about this, but I think its useful for people to have more detailed breakdowns of stuff like that in general, because until someone’s been at the point of homelessness themselves, I think most people really don’t have any real sense of what that entails or how it happens. And that’s purely on the perception we’re given by society of homelessness and who ends up homeless and why. The poorer you get or the less able-bodied or ‘high-functioning’ (ugh hate that phrase but for lack of a better known one) you become, the more expensive it ends up being to survive, because of how fewer options society provides for you to choose from like….across the board, in every thing you do or need. And then society likes to point out the hail mary’s they grudgingly put in place to ‘catch’ the people who inevitably fall through the cracks as a result, like homeless shelters, etc, without really factoring in how little infrastructure is in place to ever actually get people back OUT of that and onto their feet again. 

And just as a general aside, but man do I haaaaaaaaate the language about homeless people winding up that way because they’re lazy, like lolololol. There is NOTHING comfortable about sleeping on the sidewalk in forty degree weather, and that’s the thing about ‘laziness’. It only actually exists when someone has a certain level of comfort, where enough of their needs are met that they can afford to put off doing something because they simply don’t want to do it right now. Nobody can afford to put off eating or having a bed to sleep in because they simply don’t want to make sure they eat or sleep that day. If a person’s not ‘productive’ enough to eat or have somewhere to sleep for a night, there’s a million reasons why that might be or what’s holding them back, but I can guarantee its not laziness.  For every homeless person you’ve ever seen sleeping on the sidewalk, I promise you there’s a person who has a story not all that innately different from mine, and one where the days, weeks or even months prior to them ending up sleeping on the street, they first were doing everything they were physically, mentally and emotionally capable of doing to KEEP from being that destitute.

But its the law of diminishing returns. If you’re already doing every single thing you possibly can without improving your situation, the only things that will ever actually improve it or help you reach a more sustainable environment/productivity level are things that come from OUTSIDE you and your own efforts, where and how other people help you out. You simply can not give anymore than you already give towards the task of surviving, when that is already literally ALL you are doing day in and day out. Some people get that outside help or support or borrowed energy from their family and never have to turn to friends or from there to strangers. Some people just don’t have that option.

And without that outside help, like, your own efforts to improve your situation and then simply to just survive…..that’s the diminishing returns part. Inevitably, they’re only going to get less and less effective, because none of us are perpetual motion machines. We can’t keep going forever and ever without ever having a chance to recharge, refuel, replenish ourselves. It’s the entropy of existence. Everything costs energy. And the harder you have to struggle to stay alive, the more energy it costs. The more you use up. The faster you fade. *Shrugs*

It’s why I firmly and 100% believe that the single most defiant act a person can make in an unfair world is to look at someone else who’s stuck in a cycle of entropic decay, who you see having their energy eaten faster and faster by an uncaring universe, and you find a way to share some of yours with them and in doing so tell the universe “not today, fucker, not on my watch. Screw your laws and your science, I’m gonna make sure they last even just a little bit longer, no matter what your fucked up physics has to say about it.”

And yeah, I freely admit that’s 100% self-serving at the moment and thus easy to say as someone who like, obviously needs and wants peoples’ help, lmao, but whatever. Still true whether its applied to me or someone else, and I’ve said it before things got this bad for me and I’ll say it again once things are better. 

Every time you help keep alive someone who by their own words is not ready to be done fighting yet, that’s a time you defied the universe and told it that it doesn’t always get what it wants either, and it can go fuck itself.

[7fics]

Can I request a markjae wherein can I request a markjae wherein markjae: youngjae is a tourist who just arrived in los angeles and mark is the random skateboard guy he met and they would eventually develop feelings despite of language barriers. fluff :) thank you!

Warnings: swearing, mentions of suicide, probably rated pg-13

Author: Mia

Word Count: 5.5k+

A/N: So sorry for this completely veering away from the prompt because Youngjae speaks very fluent English and he’s also a catboy??? for reasons unknown. And also Angst alert. But there’s some fluff as well so I hope that makes up for it. :3

august nights in los angeles are the reason why mark hasn’t moved down to chicago like tyler is always pressuring him to. sure, he misses his best friend of over six years and would like nothing more than to kick it with him on the daily. but it’s the warm breeze blowing across his front porch, tickling the leaves and making them rustle, the taps and crunch of his penny board rutting over smooth sidewalk, and the umami smell that always hits him in the face when he rolls past tj’s skinny dump, the best place for chinese-korean fusion this side of seventh street, that anchors him here. he wouldn’t trade this feeling, the feeling of waking up to home and going asleep to home and being home, for anything in the world.

he usually takes a quick ride after a heavy night of studying to drain the caffeine from his system and wind down enough to get some type of quality of sleep. good or bad, that’s up to the tides and the moon and black magic because it’s finals week and rest comes around in short, clumsy spurts when the exhaustion finally does his ass in.

mark hits up his neighborhood convenience store for some ramen and monster, truly staples of his diet. he microwaves the ramen in some water and stirs in the soup packet, stuffing noodles in his mouth with some chopsticks as he gurgles out a goodbye to the store’s owner mr. den, a wrinkled vietnamese man of sixty-two with a drinking problem and swearing addiction. nevertheless, mr. den fixes his green polo shirt with a rough hand and waves with the other, always a nice dude as long as no one’s asking for any trouble.

the block mark lives on has a reputation of being that ‘rowdy frat block’; true to the rumors, parties happen on a bi-weekly basis, more often during festive seasons, but regular enough as it is. on a good day, they end in some sick-covered laundry to do and booting of wasted stragglers. fortunately, kappa alpha theta is the preferred spot to throw the craziest rangers, as they are sponsored by one of the members’ insanely rich parents and have a huge swimming pool and alcohol bar. parties occasionally break out at delta tau delta and run into the deep night, but they never make campus news for being the best or greatest. which is okay with mark because he gets to sleep in his own bed most nights and rarely faces sick cleanup duty.

even so, parties or any social gathering of any kind are almost unheard of during finals week. the same week responsible, capable students are reviewing for their exams, party-addicted knuckleheads are blowing their brains out to get something done, and in-betweeners like mark are working moderately hard, not sweat inducing, life contemplatively hard, but hard. with the brain and instincts mark has, pursuing a journalism major and korean minor, he finds a nice ratio of him working it and it working him.

this all said, the streets are usually a ghost town by this hour. which is why he finds a hunched body trembling in the orange glow of the streetlight more than an oddity. some part of his brain is urging him to ignore it. superhero mark is nice and all in the daylight, but a creepy dude under a streetlight past midnight is psychopath serial killer territory. he has some exams in the next few days that he probably needs to be alive to take. but another part is telling him, as he gets closer and hears the quiet sniffling coming from the figure, that he doesn’t look like a serial killer at all. if he is, either he’s a real good one, or mark is a damn sucker, or both.

even if mark wants to pass him up, just feet from his house, almost at the finish line, the guy’s shoulders shaking and his endless crying has mark slowing his steps and eventually stopping right where he is.

against all his better judgement, mark says, “hey, you alright man?”

the guy, boy really, once he lifts his head and mark gets a good luck at his soft features and young face, looks up. his glassy eyes find mark in the dusty glimmer of the light and mark sucks in a heavy, important breath as he discerns a current of fear so thick it nearly shocks him. he hopes this isn’t some trick serial killers use to get their victims to soften up, because mark is falling for it, hard.

but what really hits mark like a frigid ocean wave is the velvet, auburn ears twitching softly in his equally dark hair and the matching tail flicking languidly behind him. he’s a catboy. mark’s never met one before. it’s kinda cool. but the situation itself overshadows the revelation.

the young catboy has a bulging backpack weighing on his shoulders, his entire life probably inside, along with a black suitcase on wheels that he’s using as an impromptu seat. if jaebum hadn’t schooled jackson on the finite differences in physiology of the east asian races, after the ladder let his ignorance slip (something not to be done in jaebum’s company) and mark hadn’t been suffering through every waking minute of it with a dead phone battery and no fake appointment to excuse himself to, he wouldn’t be able to tell that this guy looks korean as hell. and by the ‘america rocks’ button pinned to his thin jacket and the sadness in his pretty eyes, mark can tell he’s a tourist that’s having a strike of very bad luck. to mark, los angeles is his home. but to this poor guy it’s a jungle of unfamiliarity and he must be scared shitless.

that’s gotta suck.

“i’m lost,” he admits finally in a heavy accent. mark shouldn’t be thinking that it’s cute and melting a little because he’s still not out of the danger zone. he could be carrying murder tools in his backpack, it’s definitely big enough.

“and they stole my money,” he adds miserably in elaboration. “i have no money, and i’m lost. i’m stupid.”

“you’re not stupid,” mark can’t help but say, rubbing the back of his neck with the hand holding his black plastic bag, fingers looped through the handles. “uh, what’s your name?”

the guy clears his throat, sucking up his sniffles. “youngjae. choi youngjae.”

“nice to meet you, youngjae. i’m mark.” don’t tell him your last name, idiot. i swear for the love of all that’s good and pure, don’t- “mark tuan.” he points behind him, kind of guessing the direction so he has his eyes on youngjae, gauging his comprehension of the situation. “that’s my frat over there. since you don’t have money, you can crash there tonight and we can figure things out in the morning. what do you say, youngjae?”

youngjae looks troubled, uncomfortable. “how do i know you’re not going to harvest my organs and sell them on the black market?”

mark is equal parts amused and deeply mortified. “american television is crap. it’s all crap, okay? read books, youngjae. i promise not to harvest your organs and sell them on the black market. so come, yeah? i’d hate to have you sitting out here because i can guarantee i’m the nicest person you’ll encounter in downtown la in the middle of the night.”

youngjae’s eyebrows furrow in thought. he casts one long glance at the street before turning back to the hand mark has out stretched to him, a very transparent question: risk it for a cool bed or play it safe and end up roaming downtown la in the dead of night, susceptible to god knows what? for some reason, when youngjae takes mark’s hand and allows him to pull him up, he gets a weird sense of accomplishment, as if youngjae hadn’t just chose short-time survival over very possible long-term suffering.

“let me get that.” mark pulls up the handle of youngjae’s suitcase and rolls it alongside them as they walk, closing the distance between the street and the house with each anticipated step. mark has clocked out his good deed meter and is ready for some blissful, air-conditioned sleep. again, up to the moon and the tides and good ole’ black magic. but nobody can tell him not to dream.

“why are you out here, youngjae?” mark asks curiously as they step through the front gate, barb wire swinging closed with a clink and clack, whining like the antique it is.

“america is very beautiful,” youngjae says wistfully, slight smile visible underneath the porch light as it hums to life. “i’ve read about america in books as a child. the land of opportunity. i never thought i’d get to go. then my mother committed suicide just a month ago. i dropped out of university and worked full time at a cafe, saving money to come here. looks like i’m back at square one.” his coy smile doesn’t hide the tsunami of pain roaring in his eyes, suddenly too much for mark as he looks away.

“i’m sorry...uh, about your mom,” he mutters uselessly. “i’m sure she’s in heaven.”

“or hell,” youngjae blurts out unceremoniously. “suppose you go to hell for that sort of thing. or purgatory. maybe she’s there.”

all other generic, commercialized words of condolence burn at the back of mark’s throat, dying right where they are, cold, metallic niceties that slide down as heavy as iron and drop resolutely into his gut. he coughs out a meaningless “yeah”, like he gets it. he doesn’t.

this is weird.

they walk inside. as jackson is the only one with a car, there’s no way to tell if the others are home. mark’s quiet anyway. always is.

“this is the living room,” he says, and flips a table lamp on. light blooms in the crowded space. the black, suede pull-out couch is swimming in clothes, a mixture of clean and not. empty cans of monster and beer litter the squat coffee table, rings of moisture already leaving their presence on this little piece of the earth where jackson lives to irk mark’s patience. he always tells that slob to get tidy or get out. of course since mark holds no ownership over the house he’s a little out of his jurisdiction to call those types of shots, so jackson mostly ignores him. but he still says it and occasionally jackson likes to play human, doing human things like having some dignity and not crapping where he eats.

mark points to the darkened room right off the living room, left of the staircase, “kitchen”, and then to the room left of that one, “first floor bathroom. help yourself to anything in the kitchen as long as you clean up. i hate messes because no one cares enough to fret but me. need anything and i’ll be upstairs, preferably sleeping but probably not.”

for the first time since he’s seen him, youngjae actually smiles. not a tight grin or nervous twitch of his lips, but a real smile. the kind of smile that is raw and panic inducing and something mark wants to lock in a box forever.

“thanks, mark.” youngjae drops his backpack on the floor and goes over to the couch. mark regains his senses in time to run over and knock all of the clothes on the floor, pulling out the couch into a bed and dragging some pillows and a comforter from the surrounding furniture to make it look somewhat like a decent place to sleep and not just a filthy couch stained with caffeine and virginity.

“no problem.” he waits awkwardly as youngjae toes out of his shoes and lies his jacket aside in quiet task, content.

“do you need some sleep clothes?” mark asks, surveying youngjae’s remaining cotton graphic tee and blue jeans.

youngjae smiles meekly. “would it be trouble?”

“not at all. wait here, okay?” mark goes up the stairs, all nervous and jittery for some reason. he bangs around oafishly in his black room for a few minutes, not having the sense to turn on some light as he focuses on finding youngjae something comfortable to sleep in. he finally decides on some green basketball shorts and a plain white sleeveless shirt.

this is weird, mega weird. he’s letting a stranger sleep in his house, wear his clothes. jaebum’s gonna chew him out for this. it’s almost not worth the headache. he goes back downstairs and hands youngjae the stuff.

“thanks.” youngjae does that thing again where he smiles and mark doesn’t know what to do with the raw and genuine sensation.

“yeah, sure.” oh, jaebum’s definitely gonna chew him out.

he goes back up to his room and collapses in his bed. whatever happens in the morning is for the morning. the caffeine cleanse apparently worked, as he passes out much sooner than expected.

                                                  *   *   *   *

“yo, tuan!”

mark rolls over in his bed, groaning at the bomb of luminescence bathing his room in unrepentant shine, unamused. if jaebum didn’t haunt his dreams on a regular enough basis he wouldn’t be doubting his actual presence. but after a door--his door--slams open, mark groans again, but no longer doubts that the real jaebum is in his room, and angry for some reason lost to his drowsy conscious.

“tuan, i swear to god-”

“jaebum,” mark says in a mock conversational tone, sitting up and kicking his thin sheet off his legs, blinking his eyes open slowly. “to what do i owe this unexpected visit?”

“i could say the same,” jaebum grits out, livid. “what’s a stranger doing on my couch?”

that’s when the gears get spinning and mark looks over at his seething friend, who has what he remembers to be youngjae’s bag gripped roughly in one hand, the other screwed on his hip in impatience. mark understands why he’s mad, knows there’s a dude sleeping on their couch who could still be a serial killer despite his completely disarming smile and shy tendencies. but he’s not one to lose to jaebum.

so he says, “you mean our couch?” even if just to save face.

as expected, jaebum is less than amused at the quip. “i’ll give you two seconds to talk, dumpling face. who is that guy?”

mark stands up finally, and shivers off the rest of his sleep. he refuses to flinch at jaebum’s unrelenting glare. “his name is youngjae. he’s a kid from korea, and he got mugged last night, so i let him sleep here. i couldn’t just leave him outside so something worse could happen to him, jaebum. that’s just cruel.”

jaebum visibly softens, the grip on youngjae’s bag handle loosening and his stare melting a bit, not as hot and unforgiving as before. “he understood you?”

“yeah.” mark shrugs. “he speaks perfect english.”

“dammit, mark.” jaebum’s frustrated more than mad now, which really is an approvement. “you couldn’t be your normal nonchalant i-don’t-a-flying-fajita self?”

“flying fajita?” mark stage whispers.

“whatever.” jaebum waves him off, tossing him the bag which mark catches easily. “take care of it. if he’s going to be staying indefinitely, i want some background info.”

“got it.” mark nods firmly.

“you’re just a regular ole’ clark kent,” jaebum grumbles to himself all the way to his room, closing the door and leaving mark standing in his open doorway with youngjae’s bag and at a loss for what to do next. he loops the bag over one shoulder and pads down to the living room. his fear of youngjae possibly being awake to suffer jaebum’s wrath and feel all unwanted is dissipated when he sees that youngjae is still in deep sleep, half of his face buried in the pillow, softly twitching ears and rising back the only sign of movement. he then sneaks a peek over at the den adjacent to the living room. jackson is knocked out, pacified in slumber by some beer that reeks its way all the way over here.

mark crinkles his nose and moves closer to youngjae, dropping the bag softly as he takes a tentative seat at the sleeping boy’s feet, gazing curiously at his peaceful face. youngjae looks so young that mark is immediately guilty for some reason. he has these soft looking, peach-hued lips and a cute nose. being able to stare so intently, mark also notices a beauty mark under his left eye--well, mark’s left, but youngjae’s right. he’s very pretty; so pretty that mark is lost in him, only aware that he’s being just a bit creepy when those sweet eyes blink open and fix him a perplexed stare.

“uh, sorry.” mark backs up, actually blushing like some chastised schoolgirl. youngjae barely responds, still mostly sleep, only blinking curiously at mark so blankly that mark is forced to ask his next question. “how old are you, youngjae?”

“18,” youngjae says sleepily, rubbing his eyes and fixing to sit up. he’s a baby, mark thinks solemnly to himself.

“you graduated early?” mark asks after remembering some stuff jaebum told him about the age of university in korea being 20 instead of 18 like in the states. he smiles. “you must be smart.”

“dumb enough to get robbed,” youngjae answers cynically. mark’s smile vanishes. he doesn’t know what to say to follow that up. move on.

“do you know anyone out here?” mark asks. “anyone you can call, or ask for a favor?”

“it was really a whim decision,” youngjae admits sheepishly. “i hated being in that apartment by myself. everything reminds me of her. her clothes, her bills, her favorite spot on the couch. everything smells like her.”

mark is really at a true loss when youngjae becomes visibly shaken, choking up on his words and eyes watering. if mark is good at anything, it’s giving people space and letting the dust settle. but he can’t exactly leave youngjae while he’s on the brink of crying, doesn’t want to leave him. he wants to hug him and whisper hushed comforts until he stops crying and making mark feel like an unfeeling ogre as he continues to sit by and do nothing.

who has he let into his house?

“youngjae,” mark says gently, biting his lip in awkward anticipation. “come here.”

youngjae looks up at him then, glassy eyes the same ones that had warped him the night before when mark first saw him, sitting like a sad puppy on the curb and waiting for a sucker like mark to stroll by. his bottom lip is trembling a little, and mark cracks at that. youngjae inspects mark’s open arms for a moment, not too sure what to do with him, and then, to mark’s bittersweet triumph, actually crawls into them.

youngjae sits cross-legged next to him, head cushioned on mark’s shoulder as the man rubs his back, hating the hiccups and shivers that rattle through him. mark’s never been the most clever or timely with words, so he keeps his mouth shut until youngjae calms some time after, shoulders stilling and crying fading into the early morning birds’ orchestra.

“i’m sorry,” youngjae whispers in a quiet rasp. “you don’t even know me. i don’t know you. but look what i’m doing in your house. i really am stupid for coming here. you know, the really sad thing is i realize that after i’ve had my money stolen and have no way to get back. i’m an idiot. i’m so stupid. i’m the biggest dummy-”

he’s knocking his knuckles against his temple so hard that mark worries he’ll crack something, and he swoops in to grab his wrist impulsively. the boy looks up at him quizzically.

“you’ll hurt yourself,” mark answers his unasked question. “and you’re not stupid. you’re grieving. you can stay here as long as you need, or want. as long as you want.”

youngjae smiles finally. “you’re really nice, hyung.”

mark stiffens unintentionally. “hyung?”

“is that not okay?” youngjae sits up in a flash, face suddenly contorted in panicked apology. “i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to. it’s just, i’m pretty sure you’re older than me. is it weird? should i just call you mark?”

“no, no, no.” mark laughs. “hyung is okay.”

youngjae’s smile returns, and mark knows it’s gonna be the end of him one day.

that’s when jackson’s loud grunt breaks through the peaceful silence, taking youngjae’s attention, something mark didn’t think he would mind until now (because he does).

“jesus fu-”

“idiot.” jaebum comes skipping skipping down the stairs with a joyful smirk, books ladening his arms and backpack slung on his shoulder. he looks much happier than about ten minutes ago. he must have a stash of chocolate in his room. mark wouldn’t put it past him.

“who’s this?” jackson’s irritated frown turns into a curious smile at the sight of youngjae. he’s looking at him the way the man looks at anyone he’s preparing to swoon, and for some reason mark is ready to spring between them because of it. he doesn’t, though. they just met. mark has no claim over this beautiful catboy named youngjae.

that would be weird.

“youngjae,” mark says a bit sullenly, already resigned to this quiet fate. “he flew from korea.”

“i didn’t fly,” youngjae interjects, looking over at mark.

“bus then…?”

“some very nice men and women drove me here,” youngjae says vaguely. mark’s eyebrows pinch.

“you hitchhiked?” mark’s voice raises before he has any control over it, almost hysterical in that instant. “youngjae, that’s so dangerous. you can’t just trust anyone. strangers are off limits, okay?”

“you’re a stranger,” youngjae says cheekily, a very clear smile on his face. mark is disarmed for a very long second, again at a loss for what to do with youngjae. this strange catboy who is lying on his pullout couch, apparently an orphan (though he’s not sure about his dad, maybe that’s too personal though). he doesn’t know what to do with any of it.

“i don’t count,” mark says after a long time.

“okay.” youngjae shrugs indifferently, faint smile still etched on his lips.

                                              *    *    *    *

somehow, mark is able to convince jaebum that youngjae is not a serial killer, despite his own doubts, and he has agreed to let him stay indefinitely. youngjae has his own special magic. maybe it was between the behind-ear-scratches and the content purring; regardless, jaebum and jackson are both infatuated. jackson is more vocal, but when is jackson not more vocal in general?

mark is happy. he really is. but he has no idea what he’s doing at all. youngjae seems fine, most of the times. he’s smiling and munching on jaebum’s secret stash of chocolate (which jaebum doesn’t mind at all, the discrimination!) and being all obliviously cute as he floats around in mark’s slightly too big clothes like everything’s hunky dory.

(it’s not.)

then he’s crying quietly in a corner of the bathroom before startling as mark purposely clears his throat, feigning ignorance as he stomps inside to throw a thin greeting his way.

he thinks they have built up a system that isn’t perfect, but functions somewhat smoothly. youngjae vents to himself, and mark intrudes after some time to keep him from drowning in his own anguish. it’s good. it’s a good system.

then the systems breaks about a week after that.

one day mark actually does walk in on him as he’s crying far too quietly to even be picked up. mark doesn’t even notice him until he’s halfway in his room, shirt already off and hand digging around in his drawer for something less sweaty.

their ac’s old and uncooperative sometimes.

youngjae is wrapped up in mark’s blankets despite the increasing wave of heat blowing through the house, lasting as long as the ac decides to spazz. his ears are flattened against his fluffy hair and he looks so small and sad that a piece of mark dies. the older’s puny desire to hurriedly pull on another shirt to cover his bare torso is disintegrated under the need to move closer to youngjae. which he does.

his shirt is dropped somewhere on the floor on his way to the bed.

“hyung,” youngjae sniffles quietly, big, pretty eyes full of tears.

“do you want me to leave?” mark asks stagnantly. he doesn’t want to at all. but if youngjae says so then he will.

“no.” youngjae shakes his head while looking all vulnerable and hurt. mark slides in next to him, pulling him instinctively into his lap without fretting if this is too intimate. youngjae wraps around him. the top of his head slots perfectly against mark’s warm throat and the little breaths he’s blowing from his nose tickle the skin there. the boy’s tail floats down across mark’s thigh and coils loosely.

“your mom?”

“my mom.”

“what was she like?”

“sometimes she was mean to me,” youngjae breathes unsteadily, wet cheeks signalling to mark that he’s crying again, or more, since he never really stopped before. “she called me mean names and hit me. dissociative identity disorder, the doctors called it. it’s like she had more people than just her living in her head. sometimes she was really nice. she baked my favorite cookies and rocked me to sleep. then she was being mean again,  pulling my tail and tugging my ears until i was so dizzy that i passed out. when i woke up she would often be crying with a new batch of cookies in the oven. she was my best friend and my worst enemy.”

“youngjae, i’m--uh, youngjae--”

“you don’t have to say anything, hyung,” youngjae whispers. “can you please just hold me?”

so marks shuts his mouth, which is the best decision he’s ever made in his life, and holds youngjae in his arms, pressing a soft kiss to his temple. he’s not sure if that’s okay at all. but youngjae purrs like he does when he really likes something, and so mark doesn’t apologize about it.

                                               *    *    *    *   

taking him sightseeing had been made a thing with jaebum’s offhanded suggestion and youngjae’s enthusiastic approval of the idea. he sees how youngjae slugs around the house in boredom, pressed thin between the thoughts of his mother, which are so obvious mark can almost drown in them along with him, and youngjae’s own restlessness.

mark is more than apprehensive about it all because as much as the right side of la can be a  plethora of all good things; the bad side can be the complete opposite.

even though mark doesn’t mind seeing youngjae walk around in his clothes, small frame swallowed by the fabric, loves it actually, he would rather other people never have the pleasure. he takes the boy shopping at a high-quality and wallet friendly shop in the mall as a segue to the afternoon leg of their downtown adventure.

the morning had been a rush of breakfast, window shopping, and youngjae touching everything they passed, never letting a single thing go without mulling over it first, endlessly excited and curious and so new to everything. mark thinks he’ll fall asleep to youngjae’s voice going ‘what’s this?’ and ‘what’s that?’ and ‘is that what this thing does?’ because he’s heard it enough to absorb the sweetly pitched tones into his bloodstream. as if he needs anymore of youngjae running through his system than there already is.  

“hyung!” youngjae tugs his arm and drags him over to a shop after they’re done picking out a few bags of nice, cheap clothes that should get youngjae by for at least a few weeks, paired with items from mark’s wardrobe since he won’t ever get over seeing youngjae wear his clothes.

mark isn’t partial to shops with ‘pink’ or ‘stuffed’ in the name just because those things creep him out. also, his sisters used to force him into dresses and makeup when he wasn’t old enough to toddle away by himself, so the trauma’s still there. he’ll brave if for youngjae, though.

he’d brave so many things for youngjae.

“isn’t this one cute?” youngjae holds up this bear thing with freakishly huge eyes and the cheesiest smile mark has ever seen. it’s this pastel purple color that makes the older’s skin crawl. it’s not only cute, but creepily so. killer china doll cute.

“yeah…” mark lies uncomfortably, trying to appease youngjae’s smile with a tight grin. “really cute.”

“you hate it.” youngjae drops the thing with a sigh. his eyes search around quickly after that, widening in delight when he sees something else he likes. he rushes over and mark trudges along behind him.

“what about this one?” he holds up a baby blue pikachu with white blushing cheeks. it’s actually cute and doesn’t look like something he’d open his eyes to at 2am trying to harvest his insides. because mark tends to be as easy to read as black and white print, his approval spills out onto his face and youngjae beams.

mark actually gets the thing because his tight wallet becomes a little looser with youngjae giving him these pretty pouty eyes and pushing his bottom lip out like the sun will stop shining or water will stop being wet if he doesn’t get this blue fuzz thing with the white cheeks, ears twitching something furious.

they have a pair of burgers and fries at the food court before leaving for their next stop. mark won’t forget how youngjae looks at everything like it’s earth’s saving grace, can’t forget how the sweet kitty touches everything with an innocent wonder and amusement not easily replicated by hands that have touched and eyes that have seen and chests that have burned for reasons beside the scorching love for one’s love lost.

the original plan had been to catch the fireworks at six, grab some snack to take home, and be done with their adventure. however, mark’s perfectly scheduled conclusion to their day is derailed when youngjae stops him as they’re walking over to the park, pointing excitedly at a crowd of people huddled around something. upon wandering closer, mark recognizes this man as the one that usually sets up his street magic a few blocks from his house and amuses groups with tricks difficult enough to entertain the average person, but simple enough that mark was able to memorize them in just a month after a dumb bet with jackson that cost him time better spent. he’s not at all impressed, but youngjae is engrossed, gasping generously enough for the man to come closer and let him get a better look at some tricks.

“is it that fun, youngjae?” mark asks with an easy grin, never not fascinated by how the kitty manages to find boundless excitement in the near mundane.

“look at that!” is youngjae’s enthused reply, eyes sparkling and hands mimicking the man’s motions sloppily, completely focused. that’s when mark thinks to himself, infatuated beyond belief, that if spring were a person, it’d be youngjae. he has such a fresh attitude; that paired with his teeming exuberance and virginal glee towards most of anything has mark swooning, falling so hard he’ll need someone to scrape him off of where’s melted in a puddle for this sweet, pretty catboy with bright eyes and a childishly pure trust in others.

dammit, dammit, dammit.

as they’re walking home mark is internally pleased at how they can still still see the fireworks from across the lake and youngjae is ‘oohing’ and ‘ahing’ again as if he has the sole power to see everything in existence through rose-colored glasses. he wants to ask youngjae how he’s feeling about his mom and just talk to him to see if he’s still hurting because mark gets sappy at the curling at dusk when the warm wind is whistling past his ears and making everything loose and quietly blissful. he also wants to press him into his chest and kiss his cute, squishy face until everything else loses all meaning. the only concrete necessity being youngjae cradled in mark’s arms.

none of these things come to pass because youngjae slips his hand in mark’s and the older forgets how to breathe momentarily, exhaling when he needs to inhale and almost passing out before he gets the hang of it again. he spares a sideways glance in the kitty’s direction to see his tail swaying happily in the breeze and a soft smile on his clear, bright face.

not to be dramatic or anything, but it’s a smile that could cure the world of all of its impurities.

“can i stay with you?”

mark startles at youngjae’s honey-slick voice, staring down at him more focused. he must look like a puppy on a leash, but he’s okay with it being youngjae who’s seeing him like this, will always be.

“can i stay with you, hyung? for a long time?” he asks again, tightening his grasp on mark’s hand just the slightest and blinking up at him like this is all he needs. mark doesn’t even need to think, doesn’t care about the implications or strings attached because it’s youngjae.

“for a long time.”

and he really fucking means it.

[goingallthewayy]

2017 year in review part 2

This year flew by! Started oh-so-low and now here I am still alive!

August: I worked my butt off. No camping (no health insurance), no crazy trips, just work. BUT I started (and completed) two six-week nose work classes with Finn that really were quite cool. I found a place to live (though we didn’t move in until October 1) and I maintained my friendships and family relationships and managed long-distance with my boyfriend. I even had a friend briefly visit me in Utah.... AND I officially adopted a cat- now named Sawyer. ❤️

September: Leo moved to Utah! It was so relieving to get him here- and all my furniture and stuff! Couldn’t be more thankful for how smooth that whole thing went thanks to our friends and family. My parents also came to visit in September. We had a really great time exploring Escalante. Dad, leo, and i did the subway in Zion and we all explored a bunch of other cool locations near Kanab- buckskin gulch and wire pass, cottonwood narrows, Johnson Canyon and more! The only downside to the trip was my mom’s dog Winston, who became fatally ill. The vet thinks he must have had some kind of tumor (he had been off behaviorally for over a year with a mystery disease the vets couldn’t figure out). He made it home to Colorado but had to be put down in late September.

October: Leo and i moved in to our new house! A beautiful two bedroom house in Kanab. I got a new fish tank for Thunder. My grandparents came to visit and we got to do quite a few fun things with them- peekaboo slot canyon and an awesome boating trip on lake Powell. Tragically, my car’s transmission died on the way home from this trip and kind of stranded us in Kanab for the next two months.

November: Like I said, we have been stranded without a car. It’s been a quiet month. Leo and i have gone to a few fun nights out with coworkers and prepared an incredible thanksgiving feast together. It was hard to just sit around most of November and december, but probably a good thing in some ways.

December: We went to a bunch of Christmas parties together for the first half of the month, and we got all prepped for our fun vacation. Currently writing from Barcelona, where I am lucky enough to have spent the last week. We are leaving for France in the morning and then I’ll be headed home- I rendezvous with Leo in Colorado for a bus trip back to st George to pick up our newly-fixed car.

Hopefully the car will stay in one piece for awhile now (knock on wood) so we can do some exploring this spring and summer. Vague New Years hopes include:

1. Utah exploration. I still really want to do some hiking in Bryce and more in Zion before tourist season revs up again. I’d love to go see antelope canyon and more in northwestern Escalante. Leo’s never been up to Moab, so that would be a good trip for April. As it warms up, I’d sure love to explore the mountains around salt lake and maybe even venture into Idaho or Wyoming.

2. All of the adventuring revolves around the car for better or worse. I think I may have to trade in my beloved Mazda for a car payment on something a bit more reliable. Financially, I need to be better at saving to make that happen. We need to pay off this loan really quickly and save for a down payment. Leo and i were able to save 250 a month each easily for this vacation. If we did that, we could pay the loan off by August... just in time for us to save to move again. Ugh. Hopefully we don’t have to do that quite yet and are able to keep our home in kanab for another year while we save for another car by the beginning of next year. Unfortunately I’m not sure that i really want leo to contribute to this loan, as he needs his own damn car. Ugh adulting is hard.

3. Leo’s citizenship. It needs to happen, period. I want to be committed to him in this relationship. But I KNOW a huge part of why I’m holding back is this piece. I love him, I want to be with him, but it makes me so mad that he is so careless about this. If he gets sent back to Mexico or gets in an accident and doesn’t have insurance or whatever, it’s my ass on the line too at this point. I couldn’t leave him in good conscience, period, but I don’t want to go bankrupt or get in legal trouble because he doesn’t care enough to make things right. I’m really frustrated, and I know that I love Leo but I don’t want to be in this relationship if it means constantly worrying about things like this. He needs to get his shit together before something bad happens. Period. I have a feeling if he doesn’t, this is going to be another sad breakup I’m writing about next year. Hopefully nothing worse than that, honestly. 😓

4. More books! I read 30/25 books this last year! I’d love to do that again. 25 was a great goal and I’m definitely going to do it again.

5. Fitness goal time! I want to be healthy again. I kept it together until November/December. It’s hard to stay fit when there’s no sun out after work! I’m going to start training when I get home. I would love to feel fit again. Hopefully I can get down to 140-150 again- I can’t get too skinny or I won’t fit in my jeans, but I also want to really feel confident in myself again.

6. Work: I want to feel fulfilled in my career. I need to work for best friends for at least a full year- I need to come back from vacation with a go-getter attitude. I want to blow her out of the water with my work ethic. Five minutes early to work each day, take notes while we’re chatting, just DO all the cleaning and don’t whine about it, positive feedback about coworkers and less gossiping and whining, etc. This is important. I NEED a good recommendation from this job. Right now, I’ve got a wishy-washy one and it’s my own fault and I KNOW I’m better than that. Period.

7. Monthly recaps! I’m going to set an alarm on my phone to remind me to do a monthly recap each month. Time flies; I want to remember everything!

8. Keep maintaining my long distance friendships. I have amazing friends in jocey and Kendall and Ashleen and Sam and i need to let them know how important they all are to me more often. Abby also made an effort to reach out, so I gotta make her feel some love too 💕 I’d love to make a new friend, too, but damn it’s hard to do!

9. Fambam: Hopefully LJ will come visit me this year in Utah so we get some quality time together! Her and I talk frequently. I need to make an effort to call mom and dad more often. I should write a long email to thank them for this trip. I also would love to plan a trip over to montrose to spend time with my nana and Bompa. And it would be great to see other family even as well this year, as challenging as that might be.

10. Art: I would love to create a portfolio of my art. That way I could keep track of how frequently I practice! I want to pursue my weird canvas idea. I bought a saw, now I need a screw driver and canvas to try to make these things happen.

11. I totally almost finished an application for a certificate in animal shelter management and then just didn’t send it in. Enough of that. I make half of what LJ makes, barely enough to survive. If I want to do better and live a higher quality of life, I need to commit to pursuing higher education. Period. I think taking refresher courses in calculus to prep for a data analytics and statistics type masters would be a really good idea. I could make a ton more money and could change career paths more easily if I needed to (not that I’m hoping to do that- I love what I do).

12. International travel. This trip I’m on now I’m Barcelona reminds me poignantly of what a big world it is. I want to live somewhere else someday. To prep for this, i want to be mostly fluent in Spanish by the end of 2018. Duolingo and Spanish shows and Spanish books and hopefully I can get there.

2016 was a year of discovery- I pursued mu passions for hiking and animal welfare and found that they could lead to a life path. Over the course of 2017, I harnessed those passions and they brought me to where I am today. I want to continue pushing myself. November and December were hopefully the last moments of laziness I see for awhile. In 2018, I want to keep growing as a person. More structured time for fitness and education. More rigorous application of myself at work and to my finances. Continued dedication to painting, reading, and cherishing close relationships. I am hopeful that I really can be a better me this year.

Structured resolutions:

1. 100% Duolingo Spanish proficiency by the end of 2018. I’m at 30%, so I need growth of around 10% each month. I will accomplish this by spending time every night on duo lingo lessons after work.

2. I will read 25 books this year.

3. I will create new art this year.

4. I will pay off my auto loan early by paying a minimum of 300$ a month.

5. I will save money for emergencies and get to at least 3k in my fidelity by the end of 2018.

6. I will dedicate myself to arriving early to work as frequently as possible. I will gossip less and complain less and try to keep a can-do attitude at all times. I will start bringing my notebook again and take notes on requests from Carrie. I will be a cleaning guru.

7. I will get my body healthy again. I will work on my poor eating habits (including poor table manners) and use triathlon training plans available to me to mock-up a schedule for exercise. Yoga and hiking can be substituted for swimming until the pool opens! I will attempt to be fit by the end of April, much like my efforts during 2014.

8. I will call my close friends and family at least once a month. I could keep track of this in an excel chart.

9. I will pursue educational opportunities.

[kingsterracerp-blog]

Thank you for applying, SILVER. You have been accepted as RANDALL BUCKLEY. Just don’t forget to check out our CHECKLIST and send in your account within 24 HOURS. If you have any questions then let us know!

OUT OF CHARACTER.

NAME: Silver AGE: 19 TIMEZONE: GMT +2:00 ACTIVITY LEVEL: 7/10, I am generally online on mobile when I’m in class and on the computer at least four hours every day. Now, when exam time times, my activity goes down a bit but it still remains at least one hour and it’s only a few weeks out of the year - thankfully. PRONOUNS: they/them SHIPS: chemistry ANTI-SHIPS: no chemistry TRIGGERS: Removed. PASSWORD: Removed. ANYTHING ELSE: Removed.

IN CHARACTER.

DESIRED CHARACTER: Randall Cash Buckley, Jr. NICKNAMES: Rand, Randy, Junior AGE/BIRTH ORDER: 25, oldest FACECLAIM: Liam Hemsworth GENDER IDENTITY/PRONOUNS: male, he/him SEXUAL/ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Bisexual (closeted), biromantic (closeted) HOMETOWN: Goss, Mississippi OCCUPATION/EDUCATION: Carpenter and wood carver

(MORE) IN CHARACTER.

POSITIVES: handy, creative and trustworthy NEGATIVES: traditionalist, secretive and proud

@buckleyinboston: Nothing better than some Conway Twitty and a cold one. @buckleyinboston: Don’t know if I’ll ever get used to the northern accent. @buckleyinboston: At least I can still go fishing in this city. Buildings as a backdrop, but I guess we all gotta compromise.

BIOGRAPHY.

** TW COT DEATH, HOMOPHOBIA **

Randall Cash Buckley, Jr. was born on a hot August day in 1991 at his parents’ house in Goss, Mississippi. He was the first born and to this day, still annoys his twin sibling with that fact and the fact that he must have been loved more from the start, because he got their daddy’s first name.

The Buckley’s were dirt poor; they really were. His father helped out on the tree farms whenever he could for minimum wage and his mother worked at the local diner. It simply wasn’t enough to keep the family afloat. His parents were too proud to use food stamps, something young Randall couldn’t understand when they went to sleep hungry - again. He was never one to sit idly by, though and when he was seven, he asked his uncle to teach him how to fish after school. They went down to the river and when he was ten, he simply started to go alone. He had an old bike, a bike trailer he’d begged his other uncle to make him and some rope. That was enough to carry all his fishing supplies. After school, when he could, he went down there to fish and more often than not, he brought home fish for dinner. They weren’t the biggest fish and weren’t always that tasty but they weren’t hungry and in his family, that was rare.

His father got a job at a local lawnmower shop and because of the steady income, they finally managed to have some security. They still got by on a minimum and couldn’t even think of saving money, but at least the days of going to bed hungry and no electricity were behind them. His parents still worked long hours and aside from about an hour in the evening, Randall and his sibling were often left to fend for themselves. It made Randall feel lost and lonely, especially because he really didn’t have friends his own age. He was quite a shy child and always looked shabby in his hand me downs and dirty shoes. He really didn’t have anyone aside from his uncles to hang out with.

That changed when Randall was twelve. An elderly man named Billy moved to the town with his bloodhound, Ed. He took Randall under his wing and paid him a few dollars to do little jobs around the house, which Randall saved in case one day, he really needed them. Growing up the way he did, taught him not to waste his money on things such as candy and toys, which other children did do. The old man often carved wood as Randall was fixing and cleaning things around his house. Randall was simply fascinated by it. When Billy asked him if he wanted to learn how to do it, Randall happily said yes.

That is where Randall’s love for wood started. He first learned how to carve and later, the older man taught him how to make furniture as well as widow and door frames. Randall had never really known what would come of him as he wasn’t very good at school work nor at sports but this was something he was good at, working with his hands and using wood to make useful and beautiful things.

At 15, his life was turned upside down. A new boy moved to town to live with his aunt, after his parents had passed away. He was an African-American guy named Caleb and Randall felt things for him he had never felt before. They were fishing buddies at first, as they discovered they both liked to do that, but Caleb wasn’t just a friend. Once they were by the river side, they were more than friendly. Maybe even flirty. Randall couldn’t keep his eyes off the gorgeous other boy’s flawless dark skin, pearl white teeth and beautiful dark eyes. There were many nights when he couldn’t sleep and thought of Caleb in ways no man should, at least in the eyes of God and his parents. He felt ashamed and distanced himself from Caleb, he simply couldn’t be gay, not in this town. To this day, he regrets not kissing Caleb back when the guy tried to show him what Randall meant to him. He just pushed him away, wiped his mouth and called him a fag. The hurt he saw in his friends face broke his heart. He told the other guy that he was disgusting and walked back towards his bike. He cried until he reached town.

It took him months to emotionally recover from that and it was hard seeing Caleb now hanging out with another guy, named Marcus. They were found out to be gay and bullied by all neighborhood kids and even some adults. Randall didn’t stand up for his old friend, in fear of being grouped in with him and his boyfriend. He was disgusted with himself, not only for what he felt but because he was such a coward.

Randall met Dixie when he was sixteen and developed feelings for her. It was such a relief. This meant he wasn’t gay, that he was normal and that all would be okay. She was a beautiful girl with red hair and brown eyes. They were high school sweethearts and he didn’t have eyes for any girl other than her. When he was 18, he bought a ring with half of the money he’d saved up from working for Billy and proposed to her. She said yes and he had never been happier.

He started two years of vocational training to become a carpenter, which he finished at the top of his class. Two weeks after graduation, when he was a month shy of turning 21, they got married at the local Baptist church. He wore borrowed clothes, as did she but they didn’t mind. The clothes didn’t matter, their love did.

He got a job as an assistant carpenter in town and while it didn’t make too much money, it covered half the bills they had to pay at her parents’ house where they were living and they could save Dixie’s paycheck in full. She made quite a bit working as a secretary at a local business.

Ten months after their wedding, their little girl was born and they named her Magnolia Lou. She had red hair just like her mother. Randall felt pride he hadn’t felt before. He just strutted around town, telling anyone who wanted to hear (and even those who didn’t) that he was a father of the most beautiful little girl in the world.

He was a father for four months. Then he found his daughter with a blue face. Cot death, they told him. It wasn’t his fault, they said but that was his daughter, his little girl. It was his responsibility to keep her safe and he hadn’t. He had failed as a father and a man.

He was 24 when he got divorced from Dixie, another failure but one he knew that he had created himself. He was inconsolable and lashed out at Dixie over everything. When he went for the bottle to drown his sorrows, she decided that enough was enough and filed for divorce. He didn’t fight it. He just signed whatever he had to sign and moved back to his parents’ house. People around town were sympathetic and he hated it. Everyone knew his story, everyone knew about his failures and he felt suffocated. He needed to get away.

He went to a local internet cafe to look for a job that suited him and had decent pay. He finally found an opening at Tailgate Carpentry & Home Repair in Boston. He applied and after a Skype call in which he showed some of his own work, he got hired.

He found King’s Terrace and when he saw there was an option to have a roommate he decided he wouldn’t mind living there. He needed a roommate to be able to split the costs and he wasn’t really able to move there and pay rent by himself until he found one. Here he’d be matched to someone, which was a lot easier. He hopes he’ll have someone he can stand rooming with him and if he doesn’t, well, then he’ll just lock himself in his room. He doesn’t really mind. It isn’t as if he’s here to make any friends. He is running away from something, not towards anything. He just wants to earn a living and other than that, he really has no idea what he’s doing with his life. He’ll figure it out… hopefully.

IN CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE.

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST STRENGTH? HOW DOES IT COME IN HANDY?

I can survive. You can drop me anywhere in the world, and I’ll find a way to get food, water and what I need to survive. It’s something all of these city boys ain’t got a clue about.

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS? HOW DOES IT AFFECT YOUR DAY-TO-DAY LIFE?

That’s between me and God and it damn sure ain’t none of your business. Drinking, it messed up my marriage but I’m tryin’ to beat it. Maybe I’ll go to AA, I don’t know yet.

WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN TEN YEARS?

Back in good ole’ Mississippi. I ain’t made to live in a city. Too much concrete and there ain’t enough clean air. I hope to still be practicin’ my craft and maybe even find love again. Maybe there is a city girl out there that ain’t afraid of country livin’.

WHAT BROUGHT YOU TO KING’S TERRACE?

Fit in my budget and wasn’t too far from my new job. That’s all you need to know. I wanted to get away from Goss. Everything reminded me of my Dixie and Magnolia… and everyone looked at me like a failure and I couldn’t stand it anymore. That is why I came here, but I do miss Mississippi.

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND TELL YOUR YOUNGER SELF SOMETHING, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

Hold your little girl just a little bit longer.

[viralhottopics]

As coaches take a step back in ‘Counter-Strike,’ team leaders rise to the challenge

Astralis celebrates after winning the ELeague Major in Atlanta, Jan. 29, 2017.

Image: matt kline/mashable

Astralis and Virtus.pro were tied 14-14 when Virtus.pro used their last remaining timeout to figure out exactly how to turn the tide to take the next two rounds.

A tactical timeout gave teams 30 seconds to convene and was the only time coaches are allowed to speak outside of warm-ups and halftime.

Seconds ticked away. The crowd of thousands grew louder at the Fox Theatre in Atlanta.

“Let’s go Astralis!”

“Let’s go VP!”

The fans’ dueling chants filled the historic theatre as the two teams deliberated.

The coaches, breaking their silence, had half a minute to dish out everything they’d kept pent up.

Virtus.pro’s Wiktor “Taz” Wojtas likened his coach’s timeout speeches to a beatless rap that Jakub “Kuben” Gurczynski dished out as he paced back and forth behind the five Polish players.

Astralis put its faith in its in-game leader, Gla1ve, and it paid off.

On the other side of the stage, Astralis coach Danny “Zonic” Srensen talked strategy with his Danish team, but letting the players do most of the talking.

Once the 30 seconds were up, it all came down to the players and the designated in-game leader. For Virtus.pro, it was Filip “Neo” Kubski, a 29-year-old Polish veteran who has been rolling with the same lineup since 2013. For Astralis, it was Lukas “Gla1ve” Rossander, a 21-year-old Danish star who only just joined the squad three month ago in October.

The round started. Virtus.pro ran in to set up a defense with a weakened economy. Astralis moved toward bomb site A, reversing the last round’s rush on B.

Gla1ve was sure that VP didn’t have enough money for an AWP sniper rifle, and he knew that VP’s designated AWPer Janusz “Snax” Pogorzelski would probably be posted up behind the bomb site on A, so he told teammate Nicolai “Dev1ce” Reedtz to line up the shot. He hit Snax in the leg, hurting him badly but not killing him.

That was enough information, though, to encourage Gla1ve to tell the whole team to rush in. With a flurry of bullets and grenades, the five Astralis players overwhelmed the three VP players defending A, quickly putting Astralis at a 4-2 man advantage and forcing Virtus.pro’s two remaining players to hide in hopes of saving their weapons for the next round.

Astralis found them anyway and took them out, debilitating VP before match point and securing a thrilling 16-14 victory.

A major moment . . . #ELEAGUEMajor http://pic.twitter.com/H31nwo0DbD

Astralis (@astralisgg) January 30, 2017

Astralis put its faith in its in-game leader, Gla1ve, and it paid off.

Since making the top eight of every single Major since the first event in 2013, the Astralis squad took home its first Major championship, the first Major championship since Valve banned coaches from speaking during CS:GO games in August 2016.

The coach ban

Valve’s ban on coach communication came without warning and applied to all Valve-sponsored CS:GO events, which includes Majors the most prestigious and important tournaments in CS:GO. Third party tournament organizers adopted the rule quickly, with ESL One New York in early October being the first premier tournament to institute the new rule.

Valve explained in its announcement that it wanted CS:GO competitions to be about the players in the server.

“Since the goal of our events is to identify the best five-player CS teams that exhibit the best combination of all CS skills, the current participation of coaches in the game is not compatible with that goal,” Valve said.

Coach-reliant teams were forced to adjust. Coaches were forced to adjust.

Before the ban, several top-tier teams had coaches standing behind players during matches acting as in-game leaders. With a sixth person focusing on opponents’ movements, the game’s economy and team positioning, players were freed of that responsibility and allowed to focus primarily on their own movement and crosshair placement.

Teams like Ninjas in Pyjamas, Team Liquid and Na’Vi relied on their coaches to provide this up-to-the-second game analysis, and Valve’s new limitations prompted outrage across the board. Players, analysts and coaches voiced their opposition online, even those on teams who had a player in-game leader like SK Gaming’s Gabriel “Fallen” Toledo.

Tomorrow we will discuss between players about many subjects. I see progress happening between ourselves. Important for everyone involved

Gabriel Toledo (@FalleNCS) August 17, 2016

Valve wasn’t going to budge.

On the organization side of things, Team Liquid’s general manager Steve “Joka” Perino was equally unhappy with the rule.

“My mindset was, ‘What is Valve doing?'” he said. “[Having a coach] was great for us because we had all this firepower and when we could just have this guy be the conductor it made perfect sense. So when [the ban] happened it was quite the blow.”

Coach-reliant teams were forced to adjust. Coaches were forced to adjust.

Five months after the coach restrictions were announced, the first Major of 2017 was kicking off in Atlanta. By that points, teams had enough time to adjust, CS:GO commentator James Bardolph said.

“I think that the biggest issue that teams had was [that] when Valve first came out with that ruling, a lot of organizations had a knee-jerk reaction,” he said. “They gave the teams no warning, no transition time. They said, ‘You gotta follow this rule immediately, this is the rule now,’ which is not an intelligent way to do things, and not really fair for the teams, so we saw some struggle with that. But, again, theyve had time to adjust now.”

Coaching outside of games

Despite the tempered role of coaches, every team at the top level has kept a coach on the team because of the value they bring to organizations. CS:GO analyst and ELeague host Richard Lewis said he thinks coaches are absolutely necessary in pro-level Counter-Strike.

“The coaches are still there, just not [standing] behind [their players],” he said. “Theyre still there to talk in between rounds, talk in time outs, talk backstage before the games, after the games. They can still travel with teams. I think any organization worth its salt should have a coach.”

Astralis’s coach Danny “Zonic” Srensen has been with the team since 2015 and has successfully survived the new ruling.

“We pretty much adapted to the change instantly when Valve put it through,” Zonic said after the team’s quarterfinals win against Na’Vi. “Obviously right now it works.”

“Its more clear what my actual job inside and outside the game is.” – North’s coach Casper “Ruggah” Due

That doesn’t mean it isn’t difficult though.

“It can be really tough standing behind the team and sometimes I see stuff that I want to communicate to the team,” he said.

On the other side of the coin, Zonic’s job is also a bit easier, in a way.

“You have to also remember that it can be really stressful to have six guys talking in teamspeak,” he said. “And this kind of crowd, as well it can get [noisy] in the communication so Ive been helping them and being with them in every practice weve had at home, trying to fix communication and fix small mistakes that we make so that they can pretty much play themselves and dont rely on a coach.”

North’s coach Casper “Ruggah” Due echoed that sentiment a day before the team’s quarterfinals match against Virtus.pro.

“Im very limited in what I can do but I think its also helping out my role because before I could be wearing 10 different hats for things I needed to do during and before games,” Ruggah said. “Now its more clear what my actual job inside and outside the game is.”

North’s coach Casper “Ruggah” Due at the Fox Theatre in Atlanta, Jan. 26, 2017.

Image: Dave vagts/mashable

Coaches are more like analysts now, watching what players and opponents are doing and giving feedback after the action happens instead of controlling every move at every moment possible.

“Of course, it would be easier for me to help out during the round if I have a good read on what [opponents] are doing, but thats also why I need to be more on point during my preparations and during the time outs,” Ruggah said.

Players have to do their own reading, which usually falls on the shoulders of the in-game leader.

The rise of the in-game leader

Even before the coach restrictions, SK Gaming’s Fallen acted as the in-game leader to the Brazilian team, leading them to win two back-to-back Majors in 2016. The coach ban didn’t have a huge impact on SK Gaming.

“I think there are coaches that act as in-game leaders for their teams for example [Sergey “Starix” Ischuk of Na’Vi] and [Wilton “Zews” Prado of Team Liquid] but for us, I have always been in-game leader so we dont suffer too much for that,” he said.

In-game leaders have a unique job. Fallen keeps the players motivated during games and makes calls on where they should move to and what areas to cover while SK’s coach, Ricardo “Dead” Sinigaglia, focuses on helping the team with their own individual strengths and struggles rather than analyzing what the other team is doing.

The coach ban dialed back the role of coaches who acted as in-game leaders, but it also put smart, yet oftentimes underperforming players back on the map.

“When you make that decision, you cap the level that Counter-Strike can get to because its not being coordinated,” Lewis said about the coach ban. “But, equally, it adds this fascinating little mini drama because players like [Godsent’s Markus “Pronax” Wallsten] and [North’s Mathias “MSL” Lauridsen] are statistically terrible. Pronax especially…is one of the lowest level performing pros if we just go on kills. But hes a great in-game leader, hes a great tactician, he knows how to activate players and [how to] use them. So, suddenly, this rule has effectively prolonged his career and players like him.”

The coach ban dialed back the role of coaches who acted as in-game leaders, but it also put smart, yet oftentimes underperforming players back on the map.

You won’t see many of these players who have in-game leader roles at the top of stats charts, but they’ve become vital to their teams over the past few months regardless.

“If we dont have the coaching rule, why would you keep Pronax?” Lewis said. “‘I dont need him, I dont need his skillset.’ So you effectively kill a generation of in-game leaders. MSL wouldnt be on a team, Pronax wouldnt be on a team. What would they do? Who would pick them up? I think CS would lose something if we marginalized guys with those skill sets.”

This points back to Valve’s original reasoning behind the coach ruling. The competition at these events is about the five players in the server, and part of what’s needed of those players is a deep understanding of the game, something that takes years of practice and studying to develop.

That in-game leadership is what led Astralis to hold up the ELeague Major trophy in January. Gla1ve read his opponents and made a call, and the team trusted him and went for it, solidifying the Danish team’s lead and leading to its victory.

The Astralis players pulled off something crazy and Virtus.pro’s coach stood behind his team with clenched fists.

The Major came down to the players.

BONUS: Astralis crowned ‘Counter-Strike’ champions at the ELEAGUE Major

Read more: http://on.mash.to/2l91ms4

from As coaches take a step back in ‘Counter-Strike,’ team leaders rise to the challenge