#but fuck i am so stressed out and exhausted from this
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Came back to work from my lovely trip and on my first few days back I've had to deal with a regular who has begun spouting residential school denialism
#im doing everything in my power to get her banned#but fuck i am so stressed out and exhausted from this#she comes in almost everyday#and i hear her start going off about the indian act or whatever and im gripping my desk just wondering#is she going to start shit?#its completely fucking unacceptable and ive brought it to leaderships attention but like#but they are moving so so slow#and its infuriating#vent#residential school tw
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what a fucking week (it’s 2 pm on a monday)
#i’m gonna have a very therapeutic lay on the ground for an hour tonight#i’m so fucking exhausted#also unrelated but vaguely related#the other day i told my supervisor i didn’t know how to do something she asked me to do#which was very hard for me! bc i’m not good at asking for help bc i don’t like to be annoying#anyways i asked her on friday and she never responded and i was like ‘ok she’s probably gone for the weekend and she’ll answer on monday’#then i looked today and she just reacted with a 👍 to my message instead of. telling me how to do it#so i’m still stressed out about that but. girl i am so tired#i also promised myself i won’t get high in the middle of the week this week. so this is a test from god#and i may fail that test#we’ll try again next week#personal
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my luck is so bad it is legitimately just cruel. every day literally feels like i am being punished for every little decision i make. it’s almost hard to believe and yet somehow i’m too dumb to anticipate this…?
#i have previously been burned by usps coming an hour early and not picking up my packages#i woke up at 4:45 am this morning and got out the bed fr by 9. i knew i should have had my packages out as early as possible.#i want to get paid for the items im selling as soon as possible. i want to get a refund for my returns.#and i want these people to get their stuff#yesterday usps returned a package i had sent out to me so its already delayed#i was in the middle of packaging everything up when i noticed a package was delivered#i meant to check my email to see if they sent me that bullshit fucking email claiming to have picked up my packages when they didnt#but got distracted#so naturally. my dad leaves (the only person i could ask to drop packages off at the post office) and only then do i see that dumbass email#delivered an hour ago#i am so serious……..i cannot do this anymore#it is like this every single day#like okay. if the rest of my life is terrible. if i’m losing my mind from social isolation. if my parents quite honestly hate me.#if i have no future and no hope.#if the only interaction i can rely on is friendly coworkers and patrons at the library.#if i have to spend my days off with basically only myself and my dog to talk to.#can the little fucking things go my way? like…half of them? is that possible?#i’m not even asking to have a happy life i’m not asking to be loved i’m not asking to belong i’m not asking for a point to living#man i just want the tiniest of breaks. just. two days out the week? yeah? can i get my fucking packages sent out on time? l#can i get to work on time? with no stress? can i not look forward to eating a salad all day only for my dad to have eaten it?#can i have a normal menstrual cycle? can i stop having back pain? can i be a little comfortable? can i time my birth control correctly?#this is just so exhausting. how am i supposed to do this for years and years and years#my grandma is fucking 91#my great grandma died at like 93#i can’t even do another year of this man#i’m dreading my 25 birthday this september#i don’t know how i’m gonna make it to 30#let alone anything after that#my parents are in their 60s………it’s a nightmare to have to think about living that long
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Why is being a living exisiting human being so very confusing 🙃
#my brain is genuinely the worst place on planet earth ahaha!!#anyways the story that is bringing this on is actually nice i suppose but im exhausted so. let me just get into it and perhaps the dilemna#will make itself more aparant.#basically i hate interacting with people. its exhausting. like genuinely just takes so much brain power and social battery from me. even for#simple things. anyways so im telling someone this in my usual jokey way “im being tortured and kept outside of my home where i could be#chilling with a book“ so the other person is like oh you cant stay inside forever and ever. but then goes on to say from interacting with me#theyd never have guessed that i have such a hard time with talking and hanging out with people. that i never make someone feel like im tired#them or dont wanna talk to them etc. and internally im screaming because like. that is something i stress out so much about because i strugg#le so much with my responses and tone etc etc. thats why its so exhausting for me because im just constantly focussed on what im Supposed to#be like. the other part of me was kind of pleased in a way because i feel so painfully awkward that it stresses me out that people can see#right through me and think that i hate them when its not that i just. hate human interaction because its so tiring. so hearing that was like#oh so no one can even tell and i am stressing. for nothing. dw though this info will not help my brain learn to stop stressing out though#lmao. anyways final point i suppose is that the person also says that even if i am 'awkward' i sort of use it to my advantage and it doesnt#come across in an unsavoury way. anyways idk what to do with all this info. because the way i feel on the inside is so. and i worry a lot#about people seeing that on the outside. but part of me sort of wants it too because i just feel like absolutely no one fucking knows me?#and while i guess that was maybe my goal i also hate it? i shall rb a quote after this. anyways. idk what im saying. i dont fucking know. im#just so tired. so fucking tired.#le text post
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i know that the "adulting sucks" thing has been overdone to the point of obnoxious, but seriously
seriously
adulting fucking sucks
#running the numbers on my budget and calculating how much i can afford per month on things#bc i will likely need a new car soon and i need to figure out what kind of budget i have for it and what my options are#and i get a bill from a doctor's visit in fucking november for almost $150 after insurance payout and my copay and like.#hey i was told on my insurance shit that i would only have a $50 copay! and i had met my deductible!#it legitimately looks like they waited until it rolled over to charge my insurance specifically so i would no longer have met it#like the visit was in november. why did you wait until mid-april to payout?#my insurance rolled over at the beginning of april. huh. what a fucking coincidence.#idk who to call about this but this stinks of bullshit#i should not be owing that money. period. and there is absolutely no excuse for sending me the bill for it eight months later.#and i need to clean my apartment. and i need to feed myself at some point.#and i need to cancel att and set up the comcast internet that's recently been folded into rent as an amenity#i have already gone through and canceled all the subscriptions i don't use#so check that box off#and like. i don't want a roommate and i really am not looking for a relationship with anyone.#but doing all this shit on my own and having to pay every bill on my own and having to do all the cooking and cleaning on my own is just.#exhausting#i am so so tired#and i'm looking at things and i intend to go through online school for a communications degree which will be reimbursed through my job#and there may be a lead position opening up soon which everyone seems to be pushing me towards which would be a title change#and significant raise at the cost of added stress#and i feel like butter spread over too much bread#i need to work anti-burnout measures into my schedule and budget now to get the structure i'll need#but i am already so tired#but i need the raise and i need the degree to gtfo of this career
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#feelin weird. feelin real weird. in a bad way? no i guess not but more like im a haha wtf is happening here?#like i should maybe track my mood just so i can be like wtf is this? more bc i think its interesting#bc like i mean im spending ~11hrs in the lab and the stress has been real high and ive not been sleeping well#but like currently? i feel like i wanna run a mile. like i wanna run around in circles and scream and laugh until i cry#too much energy. too much energy. but y? where is it coming from? its weird#its like the edge of a headache. the cusp of turning. it doesn't quite feel bad yet but like i woke up at 4#and was insane until 6 when i had to get up and then i was in the lab all day until 6.30#and immediately i went for a run like empty stomach. i need to run now. and i still feel like that. like i need to run and run and run#but like y am i not exhausted? im not even tired? im vibrating#i watched the new successi0n episode twice and im losing my mind abt it#so its weird and i dont understand. but its not bad. it feels out of control like it feels fucked up but im not being like irradic#like if i was standing beside someone i dont think theyd notice. except maybe my sister bc i think if i talked id be noticeable#energetic. idk maybe im just exhausted and brain is pumping me with stress hormones so i csnt stop but i also csnt feel it#but i suspect its something to do with estrogen and progesterone levels changing which isnt great bc ive got a cycle that borders being#concerningly short but like idk rn its fun. im sure itll break and ill split apart but rn everything feels hilarious#its also weird bc im always like: y do i have so much energy after i dont sleep? is not sleeping thr answer. and today i was like hm#maybe i cant sleep bc i have too much energy. hm. idk its not bad. it doesn't feel bad#it just feels interesting and notable so im noting it. weird stuff. hopefully it pulls me thru tomorrow#bc my back fucking hurts lmao and its monday so ppl r back in the lab as i stand around for 11 hours#unrelated
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my mom was just talking to a friend on the phone and she was complaining about how all zoomers either can’t hold conversations without them being stilted and shallow or they basically traumadump and talk too much about their emotions and im just…… she is a psychologist. specifically a college counsellor. almost all of the zoomers she talks to are. literally university students assigned to her to seek out long term therapy for trauma, stress, anxiety, depression, behavioral and social issues, etc……….
what does she…expect……… to hear…….????
#really terrible pool to gather your data on All Zoomers and their typical generalized behavior from#like.#no shit???#the other point of reference for zoomer behavior is Me which is also a terrible choice because I am. autistic. among other things#but I sure as hell don’t traumadump. kinda the opposite I don’t like acknowledging my emotions at all if I can help it#so I only apply to the stunted conversations aspect and even then when I do have conversations I wouldn’t consider them shallow#boy what a fucking mess#older generations are really just. sometimes. so upset about not being the center of the world anymore they’ll target anything about#younger generations for literally no reason it’s. exhausting#another issue with her pool if it wasn’t obvious enough is that these are UC students. aka some of the most stressed out overworked zoomers#you can possibly talk to#again. horrible pool to gather data from on All Zoomers#idk man this just. irked me a bit#she used someone admitting they used to cut as an example of traumadumping/being too emotional/whatever and it just felt gross to mention#because again she is a College Counsellor.#I can guarantee whoever that remark is based on is someone who mentioned it after being asked BY HER about the nature of their trauma/#mental health issues so she can match them to a long term therapist.#aka: IT IS IN HER JOB DESCRIPTION TO HEAR THESE THINGS#fbsjcekdjfksjcjekcnrnd#kibumblabs#rant
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IT’S FISH DAY IT’S FISH DAY IT’S FISH DAY
#Seven.txt#fish stuff#vibrating with excitement#and also nervous energy and sleep deprivation but it’s fine cause ITS FISH DAY BABEY#i’m sitting outside waiting on them and i /had/ another package with snails coming today as well#and i was typing up a post like ‘let’s see which one gets here first. the snails or the fish?’#cause they’re coming from two different carriers y’know#but the snails literally got here while i was typing that post so uh. the snails won the race lmao#anyways i am exhausted and anxious out of my mind cause the stakes are pretty high with these fish#and i’ve averaged about 4hrs of sleep this week#and you’d know how bad that is if u knew that my depressed ass can easily sleep for 12-16 hrs if i’m allowed to#not that that’s good either but. 4hrs is NOT enough for me friends#i am. running on pure distilled nervous energy rn#but i’m still excited don’t get me wrong. i just hope everything goes well and they aren’t too stressed or beat up from the shipping#wish me well that i don’t fuck things up!!!#i have like. a number of years of experience to fall back on but i am still always learning and i’m nervous every time i get new fish#anyways. the guilt of all the messages and comments i’ve gotten lately that i haven’t replied to is eating me alive :)#and it makes me feel bad for posting things on my socials whenever i have any un-replied to messages#cause i don’t want people to think i’m ignoring them!!! i’m just so busy rn!!! and it’s less effort to type out a lil post like this#versus sitting down and thinking of the good genuine thoughtful responses that i wanna give to people#especially when i like. can’t think straight rn. about anything other than keeping these fish alive#so. that will be my full day today but once things calm down and everyone’s hopefully settled in tomorrow#i can finally start working on replying to everything#okay enough rambling. back to staring at the fields and waiting#at least the weather’s nice. and i’m sitting in the golf cart so i’m in the shade#which is good cause i’m wearing a hoodie over a shirt and long pants#and i’ve got a coffee and music playing. now if i could just chill out everything would be great#but knowing myself I Will Not
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making a playlist to fit my current emotional state lol
#‘aren’t you tired of being nice? don’t you just wanna go apeshit?’#i am this 👌🏻 close to starting my corruption arc#ive gone from tired to just Fucking Done lmao#i mean. i am 10000% still Stressed and Exhausted#but i am fresh out of shits to give so.#savv villain era i guess#savv speaks
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😋
(hearing The insect noises inside my brain again and being very normal about it)
#oh my god!!!!!! i’m so sick of being chronically exhausted all the time i miss the body i used to have!!!!!!!!!!!#what the FUCK!!!!!!#i’m annoyed!!!! why does it take me literally 12 straight hours of bed rest to recover from one (1) outing#i’m so sick of feeling fogged over all the time like i am just trying to live my LIFE but i have to build in these insane rest periods into#my schedule#it makes me a little bit resentful actually bc i compare what other people are able to do in their time off from work and i’m like#ok i can do maybe 40% of that if i’m having a Good Body Day#which is not up to me to decide lol#fun fact i actually used to cruise reddit to feel solidarity with other folks except they are all such bitter fucks#did u know they call trigeminal neuralgia ‘’the suicide disease’’ over there#i had to delete my account it was making me too crazy#anyways i’m bored but almost always in too much pain or too sleepy to do something about that so i guess i will just continue to Suffer#i did buy more concert tickets today so i now have Events to look forward to which is cool!!!#stressful too bc i’m like Ok how do i make sure that i can be in town for this#but a little bit of scheming is good for the soul
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i'm going to delete this later but i need to just. yell.
#delete later#vent in tags#anyway uhhhhh any time i even so much as think in the direction of college i start crying so thats a good sign /s#given that i. almost never cry :)#i am. terrified. in the optimal world i'd just drop out and live under my bed or something because my issues are. frankly overwhelming#at this point. i can barely sleep properly despite trying to keep a proper schedule (i woke up at THREE this morning.)#im constantly flipping between being almost suicidally depressed and feeling nothing at all and it's terrible. i don't have any real#desire to hurt myself and most of my intrusive thoughts go the way of 'you should break stuff/hurt others/etc' but man#sometimes i have to step away from stuff just because i see a knife or a fork and wonder what i can do with it.#college makes me terrified and i know my parents fucking suck because otherwise they'd care a little more about the fact#that i can barely do anything or function but nah. all they want is the perfect little child. and now i'm paralyzed#i don't trust my ability to work because of my exhaustion and i know once i go to uni i can't count on any support from my parents#whatsoever so i'm just... stuck. uni's meant to be less grueling in terms of hours than HS but...#stacking work and school sounds like fucking HELL but i don't have the money or support to NOT work...#so all i can do is stress and stress and stress and stress and struggle to even start my essay and feel everything slipping away#because god? do i even remember half of the days i live through anymore? do i even care about the work i'm doing?#no. i'm dogshit at programming to the point where i've been stuck for a month. i can barely do work without spacing out or ignoring class#entirely just to talk to my brother because at least THERE's a little joy in my life. everything else feels so bleak and pointless#i can't do anything meaningful with this godawful life of mine. but all i can do is keep muddling through. because nothing scares me more#than the idea of dying. so that's off the table. so i'll just keep stressing and crying and wondering if it's even worth it.#ugh... if anyone actually read all this just pretend you didn't...
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i have had a shitty 48 hours and all i want is a nap
#i was handed a new project at work unexpectedly and had to start it completely on my own#and that was so stressful and then i came home to a sick kitty#and got basically zero sleep last night from trying to take care of her and worrying about her#and so i'm exhausted and then at work had to finish the project and help with another#and had to get missy a vet appointment and get her to that today too#and now i have to figure out how to get her to use a new litter box so i can get a urine sample from her to take back to the vet tomorrow#and i still haven't gotten all the christmas presents i need to get#so some of my friends just won't get gifts until late cause there's no way they'll be here on time now#and i'm on my period and i have a headache and i need to do laundry because kitty pooped on my sheets#and threw up on her towels#and i'm really tired which means i am starting to get physical symptoms (thanks for always doing that body 🙃 it's so helpful)#so my lunch is making me super nauseous which fucking sucks#i'm just done
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i got the job!!! :)
but also
...i got the job :(
#WOW ive been having a fucking year babes#ive been sweating about getting a second job since december#i feel both relieved and like...dread#im finally on track to stay here. i'll actually be making enough money that i could probably afford to live alone#i'll get tons of experience and a pay raise after 3 months if i do well#the hours are flexible and it comes with benefits#and its only 20 minutes from my other job and a 10 minute walk to a good coffee shop#but christ alive when am i ever going to have free time again lol#all of my meals are going to have to happen outside the home. im just going to carry a fucking cooler with me#when will i do my laundry or grocery shop without dropping dead from exhaustion#imma have to wake up at 5 am. jesus h christ.#also i need some work clothes cause my current job has given me free reign on dress code and this place isnt so lenient#this combined with having to buy a car soon needing new glasses a new mattress and my father moving out is making me so stressed#this girl is on the go
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.
#personal#I am so overwhelmed with work#and then trying to process like 3 pieces of bad news at the same time#all received within hours of each other lmao#it’s…….been A Week#I haven’t been able to stop thinking about work for like a month#maybe two#losing sleep bc I close my eyes and my brain is still thinking about which student needs what#then spending my waking hours doing work#and whenever I catch a break it’s already past midnight#and thinking about Bad News past midnight is always a terrible idea#it’s so hard trying to be normal about everything when I’m stressed out of my mind#I googled some New Symptoms that came up and te results said ‘stress’ lmao#that’s apt#my neighbours’ karaoke party just ended half an hour ago#and I’m still wide awake#it’s 1:45am and I have to get up at 7:30 for work tomorrow#so this is fun#watch this spiral beat my month-long spiral record from when I had Covid lol#I’m so fucking exhausted#and I don’t have anyone I can talk to who will Get It#I have friends who can provide sympathy but I just want someone who Knows what I mean#and the one person who probably would barely even talks to me anymore#I hate it#I hate it so much#I have to sleep#I’m gonna wake up in 6ish hours and I’m gonna make a class of 60 kids do random shit and it’ll be fine#I know this will blow over#it just fucking sucks that I’m in the middle of it rn
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I'm back in the place I grew up for the first time since moving 6 months ago and it is so fucking weird and I have a lot of feelings
#firstly i am fucking exhausted#my girlfriend stayed over last night and i slept like 5 hours#i am so stressed#and my birth control has been fucking with my energy severally#secondly ive been on edge since I woke up#I've constantly been 15 seconds away from sobbing uncontrollably or bashing my head against a wall until my brain leaks out of my ear#my poor fucking girlfriend had to deal with me being overwhelmed and irritated and they were so lovely and just made me feel calm and loved#i also miss her so fucking much even though if i was still in ny i wouldn't be seeing them anyway#the drive was terrible we had like an hour of traffic because it was a holiday weekend and we completely forgot#and the whole reason im down in jersey is because my grandma's back in the hospital#so that's a whole cluster fuck i dont even feel like unpacking right now#and that's not even me having such weird and complex feelings about being back in a place i called home for 24 years#it's weird and it's a lot#on the bright side i got really really really good pizza and im getting phenomenal bagels in the morning#but im just so tired and overwhelmed and i want my girlfriend#personal
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"to get rid of sleep deprivation headaches, you should sleep between 7-9 hours at night-" no fucking shit google, do you think i would be googling this rn if i could sleep???
#damien.txt#day 4 in a row of not being able to sleep at night and having to go into work with god awful headaches#i know i've seriously fucked up my sleep schedule and so it's a bit my fault but like. jesus fucking christ brain can we please#have one nice thing. just one nice little time where we sleep and it's all good and fine#i literally have an exam today /: and it's a 3:30 class so im going to be dead on my fucking feet#and technically i have a night class from 6:30-9:20 but i've already decided im not going because i think i will actually pass out in it#this is really bad for me because so genuinely caffeine doesn't work on me. so i am full raw-dogging the exhaustion#and every single day this week has gone at a snail's pace bc i've been so tired. and none of it feels real. like im not processing it#which is so bad bc literally im like a week and a half away from finals. i have SO much to do. but my body has given up fr#probably Because im so stressed. but it's making me more stressed#everything is so cyclical. fuck. i just want to sleep. but i have to get ready for work#wish me luck /:
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